#and i think that kinda fucked me up and they way i see myself and my scars
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quxyivs · 3 days ago
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The other half of me
Popular Boy! Lee Know x Loner Photographer! Black fem reader
Summary: Lee Know the schools heartthrob, Mr perfect, the pretty boy, sees you getting bullied by his ex and decides to step in. He offers to take you to the nurse and when you two meet again after you rejected his offer her learned that he doesn’t have to lie to himself when near you (College AU)
Troupe- Heartthrob x Loner (kinda)
Trigger Warnings! Fluff and angst, crying, cursing, bullying, a tad bit of fighting, blood (lmk if I missed anything!!)
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You were sitting down in your seat on the train looking down at your camera as you made your way to school. When the train finally stopped you stood up and walked over your bag and camera in hand. You connected your Bluetooth headphones as you began walking out the train station and toward the campus.
You were eventually across the street from the campus. You looked at the gates and you took a deep breath before walking across the street and making it to the other side of the road. When you made it to the other side you walked towards the entrance, not before the same group of girls came beside you pushing you over and knocking you down causing you to hurt your leg.
“Fuck-!! Ow!!” You said as you sat up holding your bleeding knee. “Aww is the baby gonna cry? Gonna cry!! Grab her camera and take a picture too!!” Amia, your main enemy laughed loudly as another girl, Jio, grabbed the camera. When she picked it up you quickly stood up and snatched it back. “Leave me alone!” You said clenching your camera. “Who do you think you’re talking to!?” Just as Amia was about to slap you, Lee Know, the school heartthrob stopped her hand.
“Amia what the hell are you doing? Leave her alone.” Lee know said looking at Amia with a stern voice standing there waiting for her to leave. “But-!!” “Go.” “UGH!!” Amia stomped off with her friend mumbling underneath her breath. Lee know turned around coming closer towards you to get a look at your face before you backed up. “I didn’t need help..but thank you..” You said as you looked away from him and back away. “You’re welc-shit you’re bleeding come here let me help.” He reached out to grab your arm when you snatched it back from him. “Don’t!!..Don’t touch me. I can do it myself.”
You grab your bag from off the ground and limp to the nurses office. She wasn’t surprised to see you as this was normal for you by now. She sat you down on a chair as she disinfected the wound. As you sat there patiently waiting for her to finish the door to the office was opened again and in came Lee know. You were about to protest and tell him to stop following you when you saw him sit on the chair need the window and just look outside. Completely ignoring your presence.
You could tell he seemed a bit out of it so you decided to maybe snap him out of it. “What’s little Mr. Perfect doing here? Thought boys like you were too good to get into fights.” You said sarcastically rolling your eyes as you looked at him waiting for his response. “Well seeing as defending you got me dumped, I thought I’d come check in you.” He said honestly making you feel bad.
“Oh..I-I’m sorry I didnt…”
“It’s fine. She was annoying and bitchy anyways..just using me for my popularity and money..” For the first time in forever you felt like you knew him..? You and Lee know never spoke. Never even a wave but here he was pouring his true emotions out to you. You looked at him softly. “So why’d you get with her..?” You said softly but also sounding concerned. “My parents forced me to do it. They force me to do all of this.” He admitted as he looked at her.
You two made eye contact but it felt deeper than just a glare. “So you don’t want to be the schools ‘Heartthrob’ the ‘popular boy’ the-“ “Guy everyone wants to become because I’m rich and get girls? yeah. I hate it, wish I could just be left alone, kinda like you.” He said chuckling to himself dryly.
“..Why would you want that.. I mean being alone is well, lonely of course.. No friends and everyone thinks you’re just a weirdo. Being like this sucks.” You say chuckling as well looking down at your leg as the nurse walked in. “Oh? Is something wrong Lee know?” The nurse said looking at your leg and wrapping it as she spoke. “No just came in here to get away.” He said his voice quiet, almost like he wanted to go unheard.
“Well good thing I just went to restock….” She paused briefly. “You know.. you two are really the same.” She said with a soft smile as she finished wrapping your leg throwing away some of the bloody cotton balls. “How? We’re polar opposites.” You two said almost at the same time and then made eye contact.
“That’s how.” She giggled. “Well you two need to get to class now yes?? I’ll write you both a pass!” You awkwardly shifted in your seat before standing up preparing to leave as she finishes writing the note you find yourself gazing in Lee know’s direction. As you look at him, you find yourself lost in his presence. The way the sunlight hits all his features perfectly, the way his eyes shimmer, his slightly pink cheeks.. You find yourself unable to control your movements and you take out your camera and snap a picture of him. When the picture comes out the Polaroid you shake it and then look at it. Gorgeous. Pure perfection. You then snap out of your head when you hear the nurse snap.
“Stuck in la-la land over him aren’t we?” She chuckled. Nervous that you had been called out you just run out the room with your camera but dropping the picture. Lee know saw that you dropped something and he stood up to pick it up when he saw that what you dropped…was a picture of him.
He smiled and picked up the photo. The nurse who was watching it all smiled too as she crossed her legs
“Seems you found your other half.”
“Seems so..”
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A/N- AH I spent SO long writing this!! I hope you guys like it!!! Lmk if you want this to be a series too(*≧∀≦*)
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sicksorrows · 5 hours ago
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dont get annoyed at me, sorry in advanced
would it be too crazy to say this about nanami? hes fictional anyway so it wouldn’t matter. but as much as I say this, yeah I do want him to fuck the living shit out of me until I pass out.
I want him to show me off so bad to the point he literally makes a pornhub page and posts the both of us fucking in every fucking position possible and doing every kinky thing possible. id let him rail me as my wrists are chained up on the bed frame and im gagged (or blindfolded) with his tie as he fucks me so well. I need him to cum inside me, continuously until I end up almost pregnant with just his cum and he has to shove his fingers back inside me to pull out everything. as much as I hate the thought of period sex I wouldn't mind trying it out just with nanami. I wish I could give him head while hes in a work meeting and he has to refrain himself from making too much noise while talking. I wish he could cheat on me and fuck another girl in front of me so I could just get mad at him. I wish I could peg him. I wish he would let people watch us fuck. I wish he could fuck into my mouth until I remember each vein and how long and thick it is, (hard and soft). same goes for his cum, I wish he would load a nut into my mouth until I remember the exact taste. I wish he would jerk off in front of me everyday so I can watch his rough large hands wrap around his cock so perfectly, as he strokes up and down faster and faster while staring into my eyes with his flushed face. I wish he would let me ride his nose every day and let me ride him every day, until he memorizes the rhythm and he fucks me in the same movement. I wish he could kidnap me and trap me in his place forever, id develop Stockholm syndrome if it meant staying with nanami. I wish he stalk me like a creepy man and take secret pictures of me, framing them all over his room and jerking off to them every night. I wish he could eat me out every night and drink up all of me, I want to disintegrate in his arms and make sure im left with my soul-less body with him and he has to keep it as a memory, caging up my remains and keeping it by his side until he dies, and we die together. I wish he could fuck me in semi public areas to the point we almost get caught. I wish he could slit my wrists and fuck the cuts. I wish he could love me to the point im all he needs. I wish he could fuck me in the small bathroom In an airplane and only telling me we have a few minutes before they call everyone back to their seats, I wish we could drink all night and get severely drunk to the point of almost getting alcohol poisoning but we still have time to fuck. I wish we could have sex in the ocean as he dunks my head towards the deep end letting all the sea animals see us, I wish he could watch me fuck myself. I wish he could fuck me with his weapon, I wish he could use ratio on me.
he could chain me up and blindfold me with his tie, but yet, thats still not enough. I need more. Ive never been a sex addict in my life and or never had sex before, so of course I sound like a loser virgin with no logic in sex but this man makes it seem so UGHHHHH. my biggest hc is that hes an experimentalist and he will try ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING no matter what. this part may be weird but I kinda want him to abuse me.. I dont even know where to let this out but I know as bad as it sounds I actually wouldn't be mind thrown across the room, pushed, slapped, punched, anything physical I wouldn't mind. I honestly would let him leave bruises on me and mark me as his any way he wants (ofc my statement wasn't a healthy option though) but still!!!!! fucking hell I feel the things I say aren't enough and im just repeating myself a bunch of times without actually thinking of anything new to say but I swear theres so much I wish to say but I can't seem to word it properly. anyway this obsession has gone way too insane if I see other people mention nanami and say that hes their man, my mood immediately changes, like this is MY MAN. MY MANNNNN MINE MINE MINE MINEEEE we are literally soulmates and everything!!!!! this is probably the second or third fictional man ive self shipped myself with because I genuinely love him so much and I dont think this obsession will go away in the next two or so years but telling people I know about this obsession is such a struggle mainly cause they think im a weird gooner or that I sound dumb so I only ever told my close friends who actually watch jjk and they dont get me at all :( sighs nanami is so adorable I want to squish him and hug him and throw him across the world until he comes crawling back to me cause GOD as im writing this im listening to music and everything reminds me of him, I can't handle this I wish to have a read man who can act like nanami and come to my life because im so close to manifesting nanami to come to me. I can't even handle this obsession enough I dont know why but I want him to be my everything I need every person in my life to be replaced with nanami. my doctor, dentist, teacher, friend, LITERALLY ANYTHING!!!!!!! ugh those fuckign biceps pleas ehe can choke me with them and id literally beg, BEG, for moreeee I need more, I need everything, and I need Nanami.
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bacchuschucklefuck · 6 months ago
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this has been a roller coaster of a design journey but finally I can present you: class swap artificer!adaine and rogue!fabian
#dimension 20#fantasy high#fhfy#fhsy#fhjy#fabian seacaster#adaine abernant#fh class quangle#goodbye... goodbye hoodie kid adaine..... we have mecha pilot/power armor adaine instead#I couldnt really land how she'd get a hoodie reliably in freshman year given the abernants pattern of confiscating shit from her#so I kinda switched gear and dug a bit into a like sukeban aesthetics instead. and since shes with the AV club I like the idea of#like a radio coord thing for her. hence the suspenders#I fully admit the sukeban thing is influenced by the hacker woman in ghostwire tokyo who I have a small crush on#she's SO cool. too bad about a number of things with that game#the jacket of useful things is a racer jacket this time bc Im predictable like that#her ensemble in junior year is her tank top + overall it might not be clear enough in the pic...#just had the thought ''man I should do turnarounds for all of them'' and immediately had to slap myself out of it#anyways uh! fabian I have inflicted with my favourite thing to do to characters who like to stealth or fly under the radar#which is Bright Extremely Noticeable Jacket That Hides Your Hands#fabian's ghost motif has led me to the famous horror movie trope of silhouette with iconic jacket from afar#(see Sinister and Alice Sweet Alice)#and I love to imagine him hanging the coat up somewhere and opponents aiming there instead of at him#but also the raincoat is specifically modeled after the yellow fisherman's raincoat#and. that led to. me thinking abt fabian pulling riz up at that cliff with a net instead of the battle sheet lmao#so his junior year design is fully Fishing. which is so fucking funny it has obliterated all other possibilities from my brain#ranger flavour: captain ahab#I still debate making him carry around an actual fishing rod tbh. right now Im giving him a rifle grappling hook thing#gods. I just think High School Classmate Suddenly Gets Way Too Into Fishing is the funniest fucking thing that can happen#thank you fabian. thank you for giving me this. love you buddy#still blanking on kristen but! throughout this whole storm here I've realised I just need to fuck around
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autistic-katara · 2 months ago
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icl i would be at least a little happy with almost any ending for stranger things but one thing that would ruin all of it would be an epilogue (of a decade or more later)
#it would just kinda ruin the fun of imagining them doing whatever tf i want them to these days yk#like even if everyone got together the way i wanted them and got the jobs i think fit etc it would still just kill the creativity#+ even the small things would annoy me like what if i just don’t like what one of them named their kids. or dresses like in 20 years#maybe i wanted them divorced by then but that would’ve angered the fans#maybe i wanted to imagine that single person’s future spouse myself (or keep them single in my head)#what if i want them to recover from this or that or still be working on it. what if i the adult/older actors look shit#anyways point is do not do an epilogue timeskip of more than 5/6years PLEASE i am begging u duffer brothers#stranger things#byler#<- u guys get me on this yk#even if byler isn’t canon at the end i can still at least imagine they do in uni or in their 30s or whenever#as long as there isn’t some fucking scene where mike and el r old and married in 2023 or something#would just kinda ruin all of it; making us see them as old ass adults with their entire lives set it stone yk#manifesting a few month/year timeskip where everyone gets a happy ending isn’t all “and then they lived a nice life in this specific way”#and especially manifesting that we don’t get an#“i haven’t seen you guys in decades how’ve you been? sucks that erica died in a car crash last year. she was almost 40”#type epilogue (if we must have one)#like no hate to amphibia and that one 80s movie but it just kinda makes what happened before a bit pointless if it focused on their#relationships at all#like cool we spent years watching these friendships grow and adapt only for u to go “yeah and we’re strangers now soz :)” like ok so none o#that lasted#idgaf if it’s “realistic” if i wanted realistic representation of childhood friends into adulthood id think about real life and shit#idk random rant if they do any of this shit i WILL kill all of them and then myself#ryan shut the fuck up
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skrunksthatwunk · 7 months ago
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this could be kuwameshi if you guys would like. take my hand and trust me
#yyh spoilers in tags#like major spoilers ok#which ig i dont usually tag but whatever#the if i had to choose between the world and you it's you thing happened. and it was KUWABARA like hhhhgghh#yusuke makes him forget his honor code sometimes and i need you guys to see that with me#bc it makes me wanna fling myself into the ocean over and over again#kuwabara literally is like you need to be alive bc otherwise im nothing idek who i am. please let me punch you#and he wails this multiple times#and yusuke would burn down the world himself if he thought it'd help his friends we all know that#and doomed by the narrative? mmm with the ever escalating world ending nature of being a spirit detective thats kinda there#throw in the sudden demon-human age gap post yusuke death 2 and you've got some narrative dooming in a way#but not enough for me to well and truly call them doomed by the narrative#yyh#yu yu hakusho#kuwameshi#kazuma kuwabara#yusuke urameshi#ofc i can handle you at your worst thats basically you all the time is Very kuwa to yusuke#and maybe we can figure out what the hell ur problem is over dinner sometime is Very yusuke to kuwa#actually i should draw that. or make it a textpost or something#but like turning up the protectiveness/possessiveness thats already there with them in line with the whole#'ive watched you die' trauma they Both have means that like. i think they would Need to have each other around for a period of time#in the wake of sensui's bs perhaps. and then yusuke cuts it all off and they start to get a bit healthier about it. hm#i think about them all the time it's like if typicsl shonen rival/bestie homo-ness was kind of scary and painful#like they love each other but the ways they hurt each other and hurt over each other drive me fucking insane
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megumi-fm · 8 months ago
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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faaun · 9 months ago
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oh my god u rly are everyone you've ever loved !! for better or worse !! a part of you becomes them!
#i had a moment of lucidity idk im in this café the person i went on a few dates w is coming to see me i said come study w me#and they said okay immediately even though im a town over and i dont like them i really dont feel even a little attracted to them that way#but i did let them bite my neck a week ago and it still hurts i let them hold my hand i just#i never start anything#i let them kiss me. why do i do that? i dont feel anything towards them#and i told them ill probably never sleep with them and i thought thats enough but it really isnt is it#they write poetry about people they meet even once#theyre coming a whole town over to study w me but its not a date i feel nothing towards them romantically and i dont want to lose them as#a friend. this was her line of thinking wasnt it? i would take the train and meet her near her place in ldn and wed study together and#shed let me hold her and she would never initiate much and we were just studying together and it wasnt a date#like . fuck. i dont want to do what she djd to me to another person ever#their shared location map went offline at london bridge like ok theyre in the underground they are fr coming a whole town over#its a short distance but the point is i think i should have taken what my friend said more seriously . she told me i was kinda leading#them on bc what i thought to be just meetups dates might entail more for them#anyway im gonna be clear w them this time maybe#....IT JUST NEVER COMES UP IS THE THING#do i have to clarify even if it never comes up#i do in fact hear myself#ok#the parallels r lining up#aaa
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j-esbian · 5 months ago
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i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.
that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.
weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.
#most of it is stuff i can’t help like!!!#coworkers and i don’t share a lot of interests so i’m always like. yes i’ve heard of that show but haven’t seen it. no idk that band sorry#and they’ll like. talk shit abt other people who share my interests without realizing that i also like those things#so i just have to sit there and take it#i feel like i don’t have a lot in common with my friends even. a few shared interests but very different lives#in my experience the conscious choice has been to try to keep up with what’s popular but it’s just. not interesting to me#i got bored and forgot to finish s2 of stranger things and never picked it back up#even alt subcultures have gone kinda mainstream and i never quite slot in#let’s not even touch the gay culture ‘flags’ that are extremely online and unrelatablr#and the most frustrating thing. every time i try to talk about myself and my interests i feel people shutting down#one person i know. open mouth sighs in exasperation when i open my mouth#i don’t know why you’re making it my problem that we’re different#i know there is supposed to be a niche out there for everyone but some of that feels like#those niches are falling prey to marketability. if you’re too far out of the mainstream. too out of touch. it can’t be helped#a lot of messaging online is like. embrace weirdness but only if it’s subversive in a very specific way#too normal to hang out with self-proclaimed proud weirdos. too weird to hang out with normies#like i thought the thing was to disavow performativity. i’m sorry i don’t find the same things interesting#i don’t care about the office and you don’t care about the hundred years’ war. that’s fine. why is that seen as a personal fault of mine#i feel like some of the reaction i get might be bc it comes across as hipster shit. idk#i’m literally just oblivious and looking for any kind of indicator for social interaction#but so often it feels like the onus of finding common ground is on me. i have to listen abt things idk but no one cares what i have to say#i think what makes it more frustrating is this reaction from people who claim to not care. do their own thing#and then get annoyed when i do mine and it’s. different#instead of being like ‘fuck the mainstream! conformity is bullshit! be yourself!’ it’s like#‘fuck the mainstream because it doesn’t appeal to me personally and i’ve made my own club!’#and this is not going to come out right because i’m just at my limit and venting and don’t know how to say things the right way#so people don’t misunderstand me#i just happen to never like the Right Things and know the Right Things and act the Right Way and idk how else to say it other than#can we be more normal about weird people#idk it’s hard to talk abt this without sounding like i’m just complaining but i’m more bewildered and trying to state things as i see them
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orcelito · 11 days ago
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This just in, local struggler severely overestimates how much they can eat yet again. Left with half a bowl of ramen and a sad, sad heart
#speculation nation#it's homemade at least so im not wasting money on fancy ramen#but i Hate this man it sucks 😭😭😭😭#i keep losing weight bc i can never eat enough#and i was like 'ok lets make a ramen thats a good sized meal' but then i cant FINISH it#forced myself to finish all the eggs at least and now im just picking at the peas. ugh.#at this rate im gonna have to start drinking ensures more regularly again#bc i havent gotten to the underweight phase yet but if it keeps going like this then i will#like it was. excuse me talking about my weight for a bit but im a tad bit concerned about it#but back before i started adderall back in uhh. september?? i think?? or october???#fuck if i remember. been a few months tho. but also not That long.#anyways i was at like. 140lbs at the doctor and like 137lbs at home (relevant bc clothes weight. rest of this will be at home weights)#and ive had such shit appetite that ive been watching it go down and down. like at least a pound a week. sometimes two pounds.#and now im at 123lbs. which is a solid almost 15 lbs lost in like 3 ish months. which is kind of a lot when ur small to begin with.#also a little alarming when u see this happen like a pound lower between every shower. bc i tend to check before i shower.#& i often shower every 4 days or so. when im in the Rotting Era and all. aka i dont rly go outside much.#and like 123lbs still isnt bad for 5'3“ but i think 107lbs is the cutoff for underweight. and im halfway there.#and now see i was about this weight a few years back so in one respect it's nice to fit into some of my older pants again#but at the same time..thats too quick!!! thats not healthy!!!! but when i try to eat more i Cant!!! it makes me nauseous!!!!!#so back in early 2020 when i was dipping under 110lbs bc of meds stuff i got onto ensure and it did help. so maybe i need to again.#just..blegh. i just kinda feel empty all the time. like stomach-wise. but not Hungry. it's a problem.#gotta come up with ways to eat that dont rely on my stomach to tell me when to eat. bc it's definitely not doing a good job at that.#weight mention/#and like see ive been eating 2 meals a day on average but i was doing that before too!!!!!!#but i think it's bc i cant Finish my meals half the time that's really causing problems.#staring at my half eaten bowl of ramen very grumpily. it has now been long enough that it's kind of gross.#and my arms hurt. just bc my bone aches have decided to flare up again. very grumpy.#negative/#i guess lol
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lucaanis · 11 days ago
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i love thinking about the very few things that make lleyth angry like yessss show me ur convictions and flaws babygirl
#💾#ill b very interested 2 see how this all pans out because let me tell you. lleyth wants illario dead so bad#and i have a feeling they are Not going to get what they want#and it's just fun for me to think about bc like. one of their core values is that they are loyal to antiva & the crows above all else#and they already felt kinda betrayed by the crows already thanks to the whole Exile fuck up#and bringing it up legitimately makes them testy. like if you want to get lleyth snappy a great way to do it is Bring That Up#or imply what they did was treason#bc they would tell you 'i did what i did FOR the crows. and antiva. and just because they can't see that...'#'do not trouble yourself to lecture me on where my own loyalties lie'#and it makes them not really understanding other ppl being loyal to their family so tasty because it's hypocritical!!!!!!!!!#lleyth: i dont understand complex family dynamics and intense loyalty to fucked up family. everything is very simple really.#← guy who literally comes from a family of people who kill each other for power or if they become inconvenient#and was kicked out of the only home and family they've ever known for daring to defend their family and home#and remains loyal to them all despite it anyways.#anyways. i <3 when characters have views that conflict with their core values and vice versa#and i think they are scared that after everything they'll still be in exile#i made myself sad thinking about lleyth being vulnerable and asking lucanis if he thinks they'll be allowed to come back 'after all this'#haha. yeow#*slaps lleyth and lucanis* these babies can hold so much justification and self-blame re: family & loyalty in them
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snekdood · 1 month ago
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when ppl are like "do u know ppl of x minority that ur still in contact with" as a gotcha ig to say ur not actually as open and progressive as you say you are but bud... i dont talk to anyone from my past, lmao, I dont think thats a fair metric to go by quite frankly
#no i dont talk to that person anymore. just like i dont talk to any of the privileged ppl i knew anymore either lmao#i kinda cut everyone off bc apparently ppl in my state just have a hard on for being judgemental assholes all the time and im tired of it#i thought maybe it was me but i hear from ppl who arent from here all the time that ppl are way more weird and cliquey here#and its hard to make friends so. i feel less bad now lmao.#i thought i was crazy but no im seeing reality perfectly clearly. ppl just are super cliquey here for no reason#and anyone who strays from the status quo in any capacity must be Shunned and Condemned for being Wiyuurrd#the more right leaning types dont try to hide it. but the progressive try to cloak their disgust and uncomfortability with people#being different with a bunch of excuses. literally making shit up about me to justify hating me so they can still feel progressive#while hating and making fun of me in an explicitly rw way#like. acting like kiwifarms people out here being fucking strategic n shit pretending to like me so they can make fun of me type shit like#you look like a nazi dawg lmao.#you make me feel like hanging out with my brothers friends- who definitely leaned a bit to the right- is more ideal bc at least they're#fucking out in the open and honest about making fun of me bc they think im weird. yall are too cowardly to just own up to it.#'n-no i swear its because he did [thing i either did but it didnt go down the way they said or something they made up]! i swear im not#just making shit up just to make fun of him !!!!!!! i promie!!!!'#i literally cut off all my hair bc of taking 'lsd' from those same brothers friends bc i went fucking crazy basically (trying to emphasize#how low the bar is that id rather hang out with these dudes than the more left leaning ppl i knew) and people assumed i did it bc some girl#who had or died of cancer that i never even fucking heard before??? like idk. ig they thought i was trying to be insulting or smthn????#i didnt even know who this chick was and it was my first time hearing about her when ppl told me someone spread that rumor.#bitch i was sitting in my bathroom for hours having weird discussions in myself and basically fighting between my real self#and what felt like an external force of all the judgements ppl have made about me manifest into one being (zero) trying to convince me#i couldnt be me and i felt like he possessed me to cut off all my hair and i heard him say 'THIS ISNT YOUR REAL HAIR!!!'#since it was dyed at the time and i was embracing being trans and embracing being my true self but something about that 'trip'#fucked me up and detrans and it had a lot to do w another trip i had w those same brothers friends making me feel inadequate.#i dont know who da fuck you were talking about bitch im living in a nightmare over here can we talk about that instead of whatever tf#you're going on about and making up to justify hating me and ignoring my suffering?
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thirsty-4-ghouls · 2 months ago
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“You haven’t done that one quest? In all your time playing?” <- a friend or internet stranger
“That quest makes me feel bad” <- person who’s character has probably committed atrocities in one way or another (me)
#emma posts#this is it. this is how I play games#if I want to know about what happens when you do a quest that makes me feel bad I’ll just look it up online#I’m playing a fucking game. let me not feel awful for once#im not about to try being perfectly good because I know I would be bad at that too#two of my friends said that I can never play any character in a way that isn’t ‘chaotic good’ and said that’s the only dnd alignment#i would have irl#not even in an ‘I’m so cool and edgy’ way#they meant that in a ‘I don’t know what your internal standards are. they aren’t bad. but they are definitely not… lawful’#I’m not even totally sure how to describe what they were saying that night tbh#I don’t know how to say this without people thinking I’m edgy or pretentious or something#I’m just kinda frustrated that I am bad at playing an evil or lawful character#just to see what happens#I get two decisions in and I’m like ‘I’m not having fun right now. It’s just a constant fight against myself’#this is about when your character is an oc btw#things are sometimes a little different when the pc is already a whole ass character#‘necromancy is okay if they’re already dead but betraying your follower is bad’ mindset#I know a lot of people play this way. but they seem to be able to play not this way too?#I think that’s the heart of it#also I have been made increasingly aware of the fact that I might not totally understand what is average#in a lot of ways#I’m getting distracted though I think
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calamitydaze · 9 months ago
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long tag ramble below u have been warned
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#ok i feel like i should say Something before i start being active again#but i dont want it to be a Statement which is why i’m putting it in the tags#(also bc i procrastinated doing this for weeks so i know this is a very stale topic by now#but i also haven’t been on tumblr literally at all so this is 100% my organic authentic opinion lmao)#so read if you gaf and ignore if you don’t#anyway: george def could’ve done more to ensure she was comfortable#and as someone who has also gotten in over my head with older men and regretted it#her hurt is valid and i’m deeply sorry she feels the way she does about that night#but with that said i see no reason to believe george Should have known how she really felt#or that he deliberately took advantage of either her youth/inexperience or her discomfort#and that’s the most important thing for me— he fucked up and misread a situation but that doesn’t make him an evil person#and i hope they can both move on and grow and heal#as for my future in the fandom: i honestly dunno how active i’ll be going forward#i was already becoming pretty disconnected so this might’ve just sped up the process? i’m tired of being put through the wringer#but i also don’t really have a fandom to replace this so i might just continue casually participating in the way i have been#either way rest assured i will never become a rabid anti. that shits embarrassing#i got HORRIBLE drolo rsd the other day when tommy’s mom needed clout and vagued him so like if nothing else. droloisms are forever#also as a last thing— this feels kinda silly and self centered to say but i will anyway#sorry for not opening up my blog as a forum for discussion again the way i did with the drituation#i know i helped a lot of people sort out their feelings and that was (and is) really really important to me#but it also tanked my mental health (mostly as a result of the fallout and not the act itself but still)#plus my life irl was pretty stressful at the time when everything was first going down#so i just didn’t feel up to putting myself through that again#but i’m sorry if anyone wanted to discuss w me but wasn’t able to#anyway. i think that’s all i have to say!#i don’t want to turn this into a capital D discussion but as always my askbox and dms are open#love you all tons! i hope you’re having a good day 🫂🫶#bella talks
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cloudd-nyne · 6 months ago
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orcelito · 30 days ago
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It's getting more and more certain that I'm gonna get straight As this semester. For the very first time in my college career. My persuasion class is entirely graded, & I got a 95.88% in it. My data governance class still has the final paper to grade, but we got a 97.33% on the presentation, so the paper probably won't be much lower than that, & my current running grade in that class is a 96.53%, so. We'd have to do Pretty Badly to get that below a 90%, so it's almost a guaranteed A. Then there's my gender communication class, which doesn't have a listing on the homework website (bc my professor in that class is real old-school) BUT I got full points on my final essay exam too, which means the Only thing in that class I got points taken off for was my presentation, which Even Then I still got a pretty good grade. So that one's almost certain to be an A as well.
Which leaves UX design class, which is still missing a grade for the project we turned in back at the start of November 😭😭😭😭😭 but they say they're grading them this week so. Sure, I guess. (Still don't know why they graded the more recent project before that one but Oh Well). Anyways, we've been getting really good grades on all our projects, bc it's a level 100 course and their grading criteria is really easy 😂😂😂. So really good grades on all the projects. Not as good grades on the class participation stuff bc I kept forgetting to do my reflections and the readings, but that's not very many points overall. So unless we do badly on the project that has yet to be graded (unlikely), I'm Proooobably going to get an A in this class too. At worst, a B. But I'm hoping for an A.
It'd just be really cool to have straight As for the first time in college. And then maybe, just maybe, I'll do it all over again next semester too >:]
#speculation nation#usually i have at least one class i struggle with more#but i Also have spent every semester before this also working a job.#which that's the key difference i think. it's Impossible for me to keep a job without making sacrifices.#and yknow my dad and my old advisor would tell me that school's more important#but when you gotta work to eat and pay ur way thru school. u kinda Have to prioritize work?#when it comes to staying in ur boss's favor and keeping regular attendance etc etc etc#there were a number of times i ended up so tired from work id get home and look at an assignment and go 'do i Really need to do this?'#check the syllabus to see how much it's worth. and if i think i can get away with it then i skip it.#but not this semester. i finished every stupid fucking assignment bc there Were no work conflicts like that.#(minus the One quiz i forgot which got dropped anyways. and then the readings and reflections i mentioned above lol)#and as it turns out. when u do Every damn assignment. well that directly translates to better grades.#and see even without working a job. full time school is still fucking punishing.#i kept at it but there were a number of times i felt myself cracking.#held it together thru determination alone. one foot in front of the other. i kept going. i finished. and i did a damn good job of it.#couldnt live that way for too long though. it's no wonder i kept having breakdowns in previous semesters#with me trying to do school while also working. full time school just does Not work for me with that.#and even part time school was more than i could handle well.#but i Can be a good student when i can actually Focus on it. my grades here are evidence enough.#so im feeling pride. and im feeling certainty.#i have 3 classes left to complete before i graduate. and im gonna.#i WILL do well on those classes too. and i WILL graduate in may. im speaking it into existence. i WILL do it.
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mutalune · 7 months ago
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these#I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH#WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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