#and i saw the restaurant when i was trying to break out of the church camp i went to (had a breakdown in and went home 2 days early from)

[bunnyb34r]

I had a dream Ohio was getting an until then California only fast food place (not in and out) and I was so excited and I drove past it to see when it would be open.... not until August 2099. 😭 wtf

[zeruby16]

what you did last summer- seok matthew

18+ MDNI

genre: smut, fluff, romance

summary: after your memorable summer with matthew, you thought you would never see him again. so what happens when taerae introduces you to him for a second time?

word count: 2.9 k

warnings: afab! reader, dom matthew; usage of pet names (sweetheart, angel, baby); cursing; oral sex (receiving); fingering; penetration; unprotected sex (always use protection); slightest degradation kink; slight sir kink; slight exhibitionism; please let me know if i missed any

notes: i did not grammar check this, so please have mercy. i literally wrote this super fast because i had to get the idea fully out of my brain. hope you enjoy!

REMINDER: 18+ MDNI

when romance novels would state how time ‘froze’ and the only people in the room were themselves and the love interest, you called bullshit.

there was no way everyone would suddenly disappear. it would make you look stupid wouldn’t it?

you hoped it didn’t because when matthew walked into your family’s restaurant while you were hanging out with your friends, all you could see was him.

how was he here? how did he get here?

“earth to y/n,” taerae called, waving his hands in front of your face. you flinched and closed your eyes for a few seconds, trying to gain your composure.

“what happened?”

“i wanted to introduce you all to matthew,” taerae gestured towards your friend group.

unbeknownst to taerae, you already knew matthew.

you really knew him.

“a-ah, nice to meet you matthew. i’m y/n,” you bowed your head as you shook his hands.

the hands that touched all your weak spots over the summer. the hands you itched for since you left your grandmother’s hometown.

matthew failed to hide his little smirk, “nice to meet you too y/n.” his eyes immediately passed over yours as taerae introduced the rest of the friend group.

his smirk scared you. whenever matthew felt devious, he didn’t hide it. in fact, he thrived on torturing you.

the last time you saw matthew you had left him alone.

on his bed.

after he nearly fucked the soul out of you.

your summer with matthew in simple terms was dangerous.

you had been the perfect daughter anyone could ask for. you did whatever your parents told you to, you helped out your grandmother every summer, you went to church every sunday, you were an angel until you met him.

seok matthew worked at your grandmother’s local flower shop. he offered to help you pick flowers for your grandmother and you thanked him, promising to go to the shop again. 

then, you went again and again and again. his presence was addicting. he showed interest in any little thing you mentioned, he helped your grandmother, his smile radiated joy, and he was anything you could ask for in a man.

the thing was whenever you two were alone, he ravished you. his kisses left marks, his touch made your skin burn with desire, you longed for him.

he made you break all your own rules, but you couldn’t help but go back to him every night. 

time flew by and your final night with matthew came, but he didn’t know. as far as he knew, you were a new local who moved in with her grandmother.

you cried as you slept with him, held onto him knowing it was your last time seeing him, and left before the sun could rise, catching your flight in the morning.

it wasn’t until you landed back home and your grandmother messaged you about the ‘pretty boy’ that you realized you fell for him.

matthew allowed you to be the person you wanted to be. someone who could break the rules without consequences. someone who could live freely without the pressure on their shoulders.

the someone you were though, wasn’t the person your family knew and you had to leave that person with matthew along with your love for him.

you mourned him. you had lost the one person you genuinely loved and he probably hated you now, but you lived your life.

you started your senior year of college, caught up with taerae and your friends, and forgot about matthew.

at least, you tried.

“matthew used to live in the neighborhood until he moved away. he decided to come here for his last year of college,” taerae explained, while you brushed your thoughts of matthew away.

“where did you live, matthew?” woongki asked.

once matthew mentioned your grandmother’s village, taeare looked at you stunned.

“weren’t you there in the summer?” you tried to focus your gaze anywhere else other than matthew’s eyes.

unfortunately, your mother came delivering the treats you ordered.

“yes she was, she was helping her grandmother with the house. i’ve raised such a good daughter,” she patted your head as you shrugged.

matthew knew this side of you, it wasn’t something out of the ordinary, but he also knew a side of you your mother would never want to hear about.

“okay mom i think they get it,”

“i’m sorry sweetheart, i just want everyone to know how precious you are.”

she left as you looked down towards the floor in embarrassment.

“sorry about that,” 

“it’s no worry y/n, i find it admirable how good you are to your parents,” matthew teased, knowing you would understand his underlying tone.

you started to feel flushed. matthew knew how to turn you into a stuttering mess. he had a way with words and your weakness was his sharp tongue. 

thankfully, none of your friends questioned anything. the hangout was playing out greatly until you caught matthew’s eyes.

your friends were so distracted with their own conversation that they couldn’t see how he checked you out, stared you down, and smirked at your blushing figure. 

your cheeks had to be beet red because when matthew stared at you with his bed eyes, you nearly fainted. 

the room suddenly became hot and you needed new air to breathe, so you excused yourself to the ladies room, avoiding matthew’s eyes at any cost.

a part of you wanted him to follow, but you couldn’t let him.

you paced around the restroom, inhaling and exhaling, reminding yourself how no one knew, and how everything would be fine.

then, he knocked.

he opened the door and locked it behind him.

“what do you think you’re doing?!” you silently yelled.

“what am i doing? no, how are you doing after you stood me up?” he spat out.

“matt, i had to leave. i didn’t-”

“didn’t think it would hurt? well it did, like a bitch, so imagine my surprise when i see you hanging out with one of my oldest friends,”

“taeare never said anything about you,”

“he did about you. he mentioned how smart you were, how your parents raised you to be this angel, how pretty you were, and so much more. do you know what he left out?” matthew asked, backing you into the counter as his arms allowed no room for you to escape.

“what?” you breathed out.

he placed your hair behind your ears as he placed his mouth next to your ear.

“how much of a little slut you are for me,” he whispered, sending shivers down your spine. 

“but-”

“tell me y/n, do your parents really believe you’re a good girl?”

you couldn’t speak, so you decided to just nod.

“they don’t know about last summer do they?” you closed your eyes, trying to block him out.

“they don’t know how pretty your moans sound, or how gorgeous you look while taking me. they think you’re such this perfect angel, but that’s the last thing you are. isn’t it?” he asked, starting to caress every part of your body from your legs to your neck.

all you could do was deny and deny.

“i need words baby, you aren’t such a good girl are you?” his hands started to bunch up your dress, giving him easier access to your core.

“no,” you barely let out.

“what was that?”

“no!”

“no, what? i need you to be clear sweetheart,”

“no, i’m not a good girl sir,” your body trembled, aching for his touch.

“well then i think you deserve a punishment, yeah?” his face neared your lips and it took every ounce of your soul to not jump on him.

“yes sir,” you nodded and matthew didn’t let a second pass as his lips took yours ferociously. 

you grabbed his arm full of muscle, squeezing it as your relief from the pleasure you felt. 

he took your face roughly and continued to kiss you, inserting his tongue to assert his dominance. 

“i missed this,” he said, taking a break to breathe until he smashed his lips into yours again. your body felt like putty under his and all you could do was touch him.

you reached for his clothed cock, wanting to feel him after going months without him, but couldn’t as one of his hands slapped yours away.

“silly girl, i told you, you’re being punished,” he took your hands and kept them down on the counter with his strong hold. 

he continued to kiss you on your neck as he left some light bruises behind. his hands started to reach over your breasts as he toyed with them. he used the opening of the dress to lift it higher on your body, giving him access to your torso.

this was so wrong.

matthew was giving you everything you wanted and more, at your parents restaurant, in a restroom, with your friends waiting behind. 

the thought of taking him publicly made you even more wet, but it made you feel dirty.

his hands gripped your thighs lifting you onto the counter behind you and inserting himself between your legs.

your body automatically hugged him as you kissed him again, silently begging him to do something. his fingers reached for your underwear and he hissed.

“you’re already wet for me sweetheart. you’ve been thinking about this, haven’t you?” 

“ever since you left, you’ve been aching to be ruined, touched, fucked and only by me right?” he continued and all you could do was nod.

his motions started piling on and on. the light touches of your core, his kisses, the heat in between your body, your body was shivering at the pleasure of it all.

“i need you to answer,” he suddenly walked away from your body, halting all presence of his touch and causing you to whine.

“yes sir,” you immediately rushed, reaching out your arms wanting him in between them again.

“good girl, i think you deserve a reward,” 

his hands suddenly pulled your underwear down, causing you to shiver as your core felt the cold air. he proceeded to lightly touch your clit, pressing on it at times. you grabbed his arm again, trying to steady yourself from his teasing.

his name suddenly became the only word you knew once he plunged a finger into you.

“matthew!” you looked to see his smirk.

if there was one thing matthew loved, it was to see your face contour in bliss. he was making a mess out of you and he enjoyed every second of it.

“i think my baby can take another? right?” you nodded, begging for his fingers, as he immediately inserted another.

his pace fastened as he started to hit your spot lightly, toying with your clit as he did so. 

you were seeing stars. you were nearing your orgasm and matthew wasn’t even shirtless. you tried to snake your hands over his abs under his shirt until his free hand stopped you.

“i said no touching, remember?”

you whimpered as his fingers rammed into you mercilessly.

“please i want to feel you,”

“too bad baby, you lost those privileges.”

he stayed unphased as he held onto your hip, helping you reach your climax.

you breathed his name over and over, closing in on the feeling in your stomach.

then, he stopped.

“no!” 

“you thought i would let you cum so easily?i thought you were smarter than that,” he tutted.

he chuckled at your state. the only thing supporting your body was your arms, the light mascara you had managed to run, and your whines never stopped.

it wasn’t until you looked deeply into his eyes that you realized he wasn’t done.

he squatted in front of you, his eyes meeting the juices of your pussy and smiled at you mischievously. 

you had no time to process what was going on in his head as his tongue met your core.

“oh my fuck-”, you moaned.

your legs tried to close as his tongue teased your clit and his lips kissed your core like it was his last day on earth.

his hands held your legs wide open, only allowing for you to ruin his hair with your needy hands.

“matt, please,” you cried, nearing your orgasm once again. the feeling was stronger, you felt the need to release everything.

your moans and cries became louder, but matthew was satan himself. he pulled away from your core and wiped your juices off of his mouth, smiling contently while he was at it.

you whined again, looking at him pleadingly.

“what happened? my dumb slut can’t take her punishment,” he teased.

“i’ll be good i promise, please just fuck me,” 

he tilted his head playfully and smiled, “and your parents think you’re this perfect angel.”

to your fulfillment, matthew started unzipping his pants and pulled down his boxers. his hard-on immediately sprung up and you leaned forward, trying to reach for his cock once again.

“are you sure?” matthew looked at you, concerned.

you left him last time because you didn’t want to deal with the heartbreak, but now you didn’t want him to leave. you weren’t going to let him go.

“yes, just yes.”

he teased your core with his tip and kissed you as he slowly inserted himself. you moaned in pain, his kisses and light caresses helping your body relax.

“you take me so well baby,” you tightened around him with the praise and he grunted.

“fuck, are you okay?” 

“just move matthew,” 

within seconds, he started thrusting into you slowly, but deeply, hitting your sweet spot every thrust.

“god i missed you,” he groaned as he started to speed up his thrusts.

“so did i,” you whimpered, his head against yours as you closed your eyes in ecstasy. 

matthew took it as a sign to go faster, pounding his hips into yours.

you missed how wonderfully he fucked you, but you also missed matthew in general.

he was attentive and you felt like an open book in front of him. he was someone you trusted and you felt real around him. you weren’t pretending to be like the girl your parents wanted you to be, you were you.

he drove you crazy and he proved it more so when he lifted you off the counter and hugged your body, fucking you deeply.

“matt, fuck-”

“please,” you let out, his hips ramming into you as you cried his name.

he uses the wall as his support to help him pleasure you more, causing your vision to go blurry for a second.

it was all so much, but it was matthew and you wouldn’t want it any other way.

“i love you,” he said, looking deeply at you as if you were a miracle.

“i love you too,” your moans became louder as you reached your orgasm for the third time. 

matthew didn’t stop this time, instead he toyed with your bundle of nerves pushing you over the edge.

“matthew!” you nearly screamed, hoping no else heard. 

you knew the restaurant inside and out. the walls had decent insulation, but you lost the ability to think when matthew walked in so it was the least of your worries.

“good girl, you’re such a good girl for me,” his thumb rubbed circles on your waist as he reached his climax, pulling out of you and cumming all over your belly.

he kept his hold on you afterward, letting you down carefully when you told him it was okay.

your legs were done for and putting your underwear back on was probably unsanitary as they were on the floor, but you couldn’t care less because you were with him.

he wet some paper towels with warm water to help, chuckling at the stupidity of the idea until you thanked him for still caring for you. his body stilled and you realized the uncertainties he probably had.

“matt, i meant it when i said i love you. the only reason i left without a word was because i didn’t want to spoil what we had. i didn’t want to leave, but i needed to,” you caressed his cheeks, feeling them lift when he smiled lightly.

“i know you had your reasons, i just wished we tried. it seemed like you had such little faith in our love,”

“and i regret it, but who says we can’t try again,”

matthew’s face brightened, “really?”

“unless you’re going to leave town without telling me then i don’t see why not,” you joked.

he hugged you while lifting you up.

“wait, how are we going to tell taerae?” he suddenly wondered, you scratched your neck embarrassingly.

“well first i am going to pretend to leave by saying i don’t feel good because obviously,” you gestured towards the marks he left.

“i’m sorry love, i just had to let you know how much you mean to me,”

“anyways, tell them you had diarrhea or something, and i will delete the security footage of the hallway for my parent’s eyes,” 

“we should still tell them though,” matthew mentioned, you sighed at the thought.

“y/n, i’m not going to just hook up and go on dates with you without your parents knowing,” he scolded.

“fine, just don’t mention a word about last summer,”

“as if, the only people who will ever know about those nights are you and i.”

a/n: hope you all enjoyed! i'm trying to write once a week because i do love writing these, but sometimes my execution fumbles and with classes starting my thoughts jumble even more. thank you for reading though, i appreciate it!

@zeruby16 on tumblr | est. 2023

[morvantmortuary]

the tiny!Morvants and I went to Pride in our city for the first time today!! we’ve missed it for years bc normally during the summer I’d be crashing at my folks’ place in texas by now (and then miss Pride in my hometown in september bc I was already back here teaching, sigh :’D)

pictured: local homicidal bisexuals take a break amidst festivities, have pretty good time 👍🏻

(eta: this got long and sappy so I’m putting it under a cut)

we live in a city but not, like, a huge one, so our Pride is nothing like NOLA or other more populous places. it’s thankfully indoors, and consists of a resource fair of local businesses and corporate sponsors (including a big gas/oil corp, bc siiigh louisiana), a main stage for drag and other performances, some stalls from local restaurants, and little craft fair of local artists. we spent most of our time walking between their tables, and the tinies demanded I buy them this suitably sized artwork below:

(ft. Bayou Guillaume Evangeline Lafitte Landry de Lioncourt III, they/them, our gay weighted gator gayeightor whom I haven’t introduced before but has been a huge help for my sleep lately)

it was small, but it was just… really nice. sure, there were some Westboro Baptist wannabes crowding the door when we got there, but I walked in with a family consisting of a mom with a babe-in-stroller, a lesbian teen with fabulous eyeliner, and whom I think was either her slightly older sibling or her friend. the baptists didn’t stick around more than a couple hours after Pride kicked off anyway, their convictions apparently unable to withstand midday temperatures bc they’re fucking babies. (I’m definitely already outlining a small something where a similar group tries to pull that shit at Greymoon’s first big Pride fete in ages, only to get the fear of god put in them in quite a different manner, but anyways.)

mostly it was just families. groups of college kids clearly there together and taking things in, older queer couples, parents with babies and toddlers with little rainbows painted on their faces and riding on shoulders to see the drag acts. I watched a little girl who couldn’t have been more than five run up during a queen’s set to hand her a dollar, and both their smiles were so huge in that moment. people crowded onto the open floor and line danced when certain songs came on. I saw kids running around with Pride flag capes in their particular colors, some of them still freshly creased from just having come out of the plastic from a booth in the middle of the room that was selling flags big and small, blankets, bags, etc. there were adults everywhere with “Free Mom/Dad/Parent Hug” t-shirts. I got a million compliments from people of all ages on the vampire-themed Pride battle vest I’ve been working on (to be posted to a different blog soon lmao).

I eventually just had to head home bc my heart was so full, I was pretty sure it was going to leak out my eyes (and the body heat in the room was kinda brutal with a mask on, but mostly the first thing).

I’ve talked about it before in places, but I came of age during the Bush II administration in texas, at a pretty nasty baptist high school to boot. Westboro Baptist Church was only considered extreme in their “God Hates Fags” phrasing but not their message. there was a seemingly interminable time I didn’t think I’d live to see to my own graduation, mostly by my own hand but occasionally wondering about what would happen if I got outed.

to see kids so much younger than me there with their flags around their shoulders, with moms and dads and parents who obviously loved them and were willing to lead them safely through shitty people with bullhorns trying to scare them, to see little ones who would grow up knowing that loving others is nothing to be ashamed of, to get to trade compliments with strangers because we were all there for the same thing — this was more than I had ever dreamed of when I was younger. I spent the ride home trying to keep my shit together because that kid would’ve been so happy, so relieved, that they could just go exist in public exactly as we are and not have to think twice about it. to have it celebrated, even.

I know it’s really easy to get cynical during Pride when it feels like corpos have taken the bite out of it and there’s so much other injustice going on in the world, but today meant so much, even if it was only a little while.

I’ve been spending what free time I have this month thinking about how the necromancers must have felt when they figured out they were different from people their age in other ways, too. I know for the Morvants, getting to go to any sort of Pride would feel like something loosening in their shoulders after decades — feeling like they finally have one less secret they need to keep to hide amongst the rest of the town.

I hope you get to have a similar feeling, whether that’s this Pride or the next. I promise it will come eventually if it’s not this one. things can get better, as cliche as it sounds 🖤🖤🖤

we’re heading to texas for a week tomorrow to spend the fourth with my grandma, and so I can finally bite the damn bullet and finish this diss chapter revision I’ve been avoiding since I started my job. but I’m hoping since I’m not at the office, I’ll get to pop in more than I have been lately. thanks to everyone who’s still around — I know I’ve been quiet for a hot minute, but your patience is always appreciated 🙏🏻

love yall 🥰

[air3d3lalm3na]

I WILL break this cycle holy shit!!

Work had a guy not come to pick up his food. So, when I saw a fella going to this food donation box that a church had nearby, I just gave it all to him. I have food. He could use it more.

Yeah, well, i ended up walking with him, and having way too long of a conversation. he knows shit about my situation, because I related it to make him not feel pitied. And also because, holy shit, I am just not getting the social interaction right now.

.

Well, today, I was in town again on my day off. Sitting on a bench waiting for the bus. My one coworker sees me and stops to chat. Older English guy, tough, but/and nice guy. I read him as 60s or even 70s, but after some time working together, turns out the mf is just a grizzled white haired 59 or something like it…? ! Functioning alcoholic life’s been hardening to him.

Then, almost instantly, the first dude rolls up. I tell coworker I met the guy yesterday and make an excuse to leave with him. Dude was giving me the creeps.

We walk to the bar/restaurant where he was headed anyway. He says that the rando is creepy and looks like a pedophile to him.

Just ughhhhhh. I told him briefly what I did.

This man knows where I work now!! Hope to god he doesnt remember my name. He even tried to invite me over yesterday…as in, to come over whenever…gave my his number and apartment code and shit… but I brushed it off……. Blegh

.

My grandmother and mother were like this. They took on charity cases constantly. No matter how creepy and weird. Mom had childhood trauma from one of them who was staying in their house, living with them… Nana thought it was like, her mission and had a religious aspect to it. That aside, she was the sweetest kindest person and it got heavily taken advantage of. And grew up in a small town to boot — all of this meant that, years ago, Granddad knew he couldn’t take a job in New York thanks to it…she’d come home from a day trip to our smaller city and be like “oh…where’s my wallet…where’s that other thing that was in my pocket…oh dear” She was basically Snow White in the flesh. Just lacking the dwarves and animals.

My mom took on all these people to try to “fix” and “heal” them. I think to vicariously solve her own PTSD and fill the void. She was a psychology major and worked in the field and yeah….. There were just not enough boundaries. Much much more than her mother had had. But some part of her was stuck in this cycle of fixing them instead of fixing her own pain. She regretted it later and we had talks about it. She apologized….

These people are drawn to us like frigging flies from all walks of life and it’s why I got tough. To shut them out and create real boundaries, out of codependency.

Need to put in zero appearances in town but for work. If he shows up there and gets creepy on me — I hate to think of doing it, but I’m calling the cops. Restraining order time………….hopefully it won’t come to that.

[mercurygray]

For the prompt, #81 present for Chuck/June

Played a little bit on present as gift and present as 'accounted for' with this one.

It was a fine night for a phone call.

They were just finishing the dinner dishes when the phone rang, and Chuck dried his hands on a towel before going to answer it - long distance, sir. From a…a Mrs. Heffron? In Atlantic City?

Must be on vacation, Chuck thought to himself, leaning against the wall and tucking the phone into his shoulder.

And so they were - before the girls went back to school, Niamh explained, once the call came through. They were finally in bed and she was catching up on some postcards. Chuck could picture them, a trio in pigtails on the Heffron family Christmas card. Cute kids. "How's the beach treating Babe? He burnt to a crisp yet? You should have told me before you were going - would have bought stock in Coppertone."

"Very funny, Chuck." He could nearly hear her rolling her eyes. "He's doing just fine. Weather's nice, and the girls like the beach." She paused. "You wouldn't guess who we ran into this afternoon."

"Oh?" He wondered who she thought he would know in Atlantic City - Bill and Joe had both been at the hospitals there, but they'd sent him back to Letterman, since it was closer to home for him. Was it someone else on vacation - one of the old gang?

"June."

There was a crackle over the line, a terrible silence. He realized it was his turn to speak now. "Oh."

How long had it been now - ten years, or was it twelve? And her face was still as clear to him as anything. June, with her loud laughs and her jokes and the slight hitch in her step that she tried so hard to hide. Other things, too, little things - her face in an unlit supply closet in North Carolina, a church in Belgium. And then there was a break - an empty space between the then and the now. He touched the scar on his forehead absently. There were many things he did not remember, from those first few days, things he'd forgotten, or that the pain had simply blotted out. You didn't forget, Chuck, Billie had told him, months later. You didn't forget because she wasn't there.

The line on Niamh's end crackled - rearranging the phone cord, most likely. "Yeah, she - she's managing a restaurant here, at the boardwalk. Doing real well for herself, she said."

"And she - she looked okay?" There was a pause on the other end of the phone. "You don't have to tell me she was ugly, Niamh." Still trying to stick up for the underdog, aren't you?

Niamh made a noise indicating what she thought of having to tell the truth. "Yeah, she looked okay. Older, you know, just like - all of us."

He wasn't sure what that would have looked like, for June. "Married?" He played idly with the phone cord, the wire bumping against his own hand and the circle of gold on his own finger.

"Wasn't wearing a ring."

Chuck nodded to himself. "She wasn't ever the kind."

Another noncommital noise from Niamh's end of the line. "She - she asked about you." Chuck couldn't help the deep breath he took, picturing Niamh's face as clear as day. "Don't you make that noise at me, Charles Grant, I'm a grown woman and I know how to mind my manners. Told her you were out in Cali, that you were doing well, that you'd …found someone. She said to say hi, from her. That she hoped you were doing okay. Couldn't look me in the eye about it, though, could she?"

He had to laugh. "How could she, with you staring daggers at her?" She'd made the same face at David Webster, more than once, and anyone else she thought was being an idiot. He could see that face plainly, too.

"I was never," Niamh shot back, and he heard, very distantly, as if from across a room, a "You were so!" from her husband.

"And dinner was okay?" Chuck asked, trying to bring them back to the matter at hand.

"Dinner was fine." Niamh assured him. "It was a nice restaurant. Anyway, just wanted to - wanted to call. Pass it along."

"I'm glad you saw her."

She took a deep breath, and he could imagine her nodding. "I should go - stop spoiling your evening. Tell your wife hi from me," she added. "Tell her she's a gift and a treasure."

"Will do," he promised with a smile. "Same to Babe and your girls. Good night!"

He laid the phone back in the receiver, catching his wife's eye. "Something I need to know about?" she asked, quietly curious.

"Just someone we used to know," Chuck said with a shrug. That was all it was - all it needed to be. There were dishes to be done, and lunch to be packed for tomorrow. Atlantic City could stay where it was - everything he needed now was right here.

[sportsbianism]

Hey peru travel advice if u got any?

please have fun there in the greatest country of south america a very beloved nation 😭💕💕💕💕💕💕

try the anticuchos they're amazing. try the lucuma ice cream from the street vendors!!!!! try a pisco sour, try choclo with queso fresco, try lomo saltado, chicha morada, emoliente, ceviche, picarones, papa la huancaiya, tacu tacu, chachangas, etc etc just eat lots of everything nothing is bad. go to a fruit market and try cherimoya. there's also a lot of chinese and japanese and italian food there that has been peruvianified, it's great. the food in peru is fucking amazing, try everything.

when i went i had the massive advantage of staying with and being shown around by my mother's friend who was born and raised in lima, and i was just a teenager so she basically planned everything and i just did whatever she told me to do haha. so im not gonna lie i never really had to do research or worry and idk exactly like .. i can't give the most amazing tips. she took us mainly to educational places like museums, historical sites, churches, at one point she took us to a dairy farm outside lima where they made queso fresco. we also visited a trout farm. like any place you'd expect a class of eighth graders to take a field trip, that's where we went haha. it rocked.

i can say definitely visit the smaller museums and smaller archeological sites. there is a national museum in lima that documents the civil war of the early 90s that i highly recommend. idk if you'll be in lima or huancayo or nazca or macchu pichu or what but wherever you are there are incredible archeological sites to visit nearby. it's not just macchu pichu.

i can also say, we took buses to travel everywhere, including long distances to other cities. we went to small local bus depots and i was usually the only person on them that wasn't from peru. i found that traveling this way was very cheap, and i saw extraordinary scenery, and there were sometimes good food vendors on the bus, or on very long distance drives, the driver would sometimes stop at a good restaurant that was very cheap. i loved it. one time going back from huancayo to lima, the bus did break down a bunch of times delaying our trip by several hours, but even that was one to the most extraordinary experiences of my life. driving through those mountains and forests, down into the vast desert and towards the coast, during the most beautiful sunrise ive ever seen in my life, made the inconvenience and discomfort more than worth it. these long distance buses are usually pretty nice, too, they're very similar to an american greyhound. so i would really recommend that especially if you know someone there or are balling on a budget.

on the practical side of things, do not drink or brush your teeth with unboiled tap water. you'll get sick. my friend didn't drink any but brushed her teeth with it, and she got sick as a dog and couldn't come to nazca with us.

also, peru has very strict wildlife exportation laws, so be cautious about bringing home any souvenirs made out of wild animals or wild animal products, bc they will probably be confiscated from you when you get back home. alpacas are domesticated so you're good there.

also i think you should buy a huge bottle of vanilla from a local market bc the vanilla there is delicious

it's been my observation that peruvian culture is very kind and polite. ppl don't make a lot of eye contact but everyone is really cool. idk if you're fluent in spanish or anything but don't be nervous about trying to speak it if you're not that good, and try to be very kind to ppl, bc there's a really generous and welcoming spirit, ppl will be kind to you.

if you need a doctor, just go, bc it's super cheap, like twenty bucks for an appointment.

don't worry about the elevation. just drink a lot of water and bring some excedrin. don't be a weenie it's a once in a lifetime experience!

i love peru so much it's very close to my heart. im so glad you're going, please tell me how things go!!!!!!!

[lords-of-mayhem]

hey all im saying is that if you write a thesis about how loc made you unwell i would read the hell out of it

like ik how it personally is making me worse, i need to know what its doing to others desperately

Okay, so. I'm gonna just throw all my thoughts that I currently have here. No promises on how coherent I'll be.

A lot of it is just based off of how violence is portrayed in the movie.

The parallels and foreshadowing in this movie fucks me up so much.

The scene of Euronymous simply saying "Scorpions?" to Varg and walking away from him paralleled by him telling Varg later, "I attracted people by saying you can't have this, you're not worthy."

Euronymous saying "nothing could stop me" cut immediately by Varg staring in the mirror???

The way Euronymous gives a speech that Varg overhears in the restaurant that Varg later parallels in the bar, trying to get the same adoration and it just doesn't happen?? Ough

Euronymous: We're not just a fucking metal band. I'm sick of all those speed and death metal bands, all that Swedish shit. All they do is celebrate life and party, they should just call it life metal. We play black metal, true Norwegian black metal. Varg: Exactly, posers claiming to be Satanists when all they wanna do is drink beer and have a good time. I hate that, all those death metal kids with their stupid Morbid Angel t-shirts. Making a trend out of something that was meant to instill fear.

Also I know I've said this before, but SOMEBODY in production has a blood kink. I refuse to believe otherwise.

There are at least 15 separate shots of men with blood splattered across their faces in this movie. I didn't even carefully examine every scene, I just kind of skimmed through the parts I knew of right off. (The show scene, Faust's murder, etc.)

And the way blood/violence is presented is so horny for no reason?? Like Occultus having his mouth wide open while Pelle's blood is actively pouring onto his face? This????

Who asked for this? ^^^^

Another thing is the parallels between Pelle and Ann-Marit. I KNOW I've gone on and on, but it fucks me up. There was no reason she needed to look so similar, down to their outfits being similar.

The multiple shots of Varg ass naked and fucking?? (This caught me so by surprise the first time I saw this movie, like why did they need to do that lol)

Euronymous pinning Manheim down while he encourages Necro to cut him? Lives in my head rent free.

The pure sexual tension in the Varg/Euro church burning scene. Like they had a cute little date and then the most homoerotic stare-downs ever. The way they smile at each other and the little hug :(

Then this gay shit

On the note of gay shit, there's not a single reason why Faust needed to touch Occultus as much as he did, yet here we are.

On the topic of Faust, there was also not a single reason why he needed to double take watching Euronymous piss. (keep your eyes to yourself girlie <3)

Emory Cohen also being so phenomenal at expressions really fucked me up in this movie, particularly him breaking up with Euro and him killing him later. He's so talented and it makes me so insane

Emory Cohen in general is just such a fantastic pick for this role, he's hands down my favorite casting. He's similar enough (especially irl Varg's arrogance that he captures) while also making the character his own is such a good mix. Plus, knowing that having a Jewish actor playing him pissed irl Varg off is a bonus.

Side note, but Pelle's dad leaving that voicemail while he was killing himself? It gets to me, man. It gets to me. (And while we're on the topic of parents, Faust's mom yelling in the background while he's getting arrested? Oh lord)

The Varg/Euro tension while they played with Atilla??? Hello???

Blackthorn decorating Varg's room for when the interviewers come by is also something I think about a lot. It doesn't fuck me up in the same way the others do, but I love that little scene. And him offering tea at possibly the worst time

They were sharing the same brain cell in this scene fr

The ending will always fuck me up the most. The shots of them all having fun intercut with Varg/Blackthorn/Faust getting arrested, Euronymous' memorial, etc. If you want to be really emotionally unwell, I highly suggest listening to this while watching it.

Everyone's reactions were sooooo good too

If you want something depressing to think about too, you can think about the fact Necrobutcher was probably just finally moving on from Pelle's death, only for Euronymous to die as well.

[captainmartinisblog]

Esmerelda, the Bells, the Bells!

Sunday 9th June 2024 - Reykjavik (day 2)

Our venue for dinner last night was Andrew’s ‘Google Maps’ discovery; eschewing all choices of things from the sea (of which, there are plenty here!) he chose an Indian restaurant nearby and it proved not only very popular (always a good sign) but an excellent choice.

I had the Tandoori Mixed Grill (which did have salmon and prawns in it, as well as lamb and chicken!).

Exhausted, it was time for bed – although trying to sleep when it’s still daylight at 2am is not easy!

Today, after a more than adequate continental breakfast at the hotel and with clear blue skies, we all did the city hop-on-hop-off bus.

It takes about 1.5 hours for the full circuit, part of which includes what we saw yesterday, and in such good weather, it was a great way to see the wider area in the best light - although we could have done without nearly 20 minutes stopped in the city’s main bus station half way round while the driver disappeared on a break!

The Pearl (Perlan) is a Natural History Museum converted in 1991 from 5 geo-thermal hot water tanks (two of which are still in use). Situated on a hill overlooking the city, Andrew & I went there in 2015 and the view from the roof is quite spectacular. Angie went back there later in the afternoon today.

Meanwhile, the Hofdi House is where in 1986, US President Reagan met the Russian President Gorbachov in a summit which marked the end of the ‘Cold War’ and the beginning of the break-up of the Soviet Union – something Putin seems set on reversing today!

I got off the bus at the National Museum of Iceland (Andrew & I also went here in 2015).

Apart from the sign, it doesn’t look much like a museum on the outside but inside it contains a wealth of artifacts from the first settlement of Iceland, through Pagan times to Christianity and the recent past.

Walking back across the City Pond, there was a nice view of the new City Hall (1992) and the Frikirkjan (Free Lutheran Church 1903). But on the other side, I also discovered this lovely sculpture park, Hallargardur Park, laid out in 1954.

The Adonis statue is by Bertal Thorlandsen and the house was built in 1908 for a wealthy local entrepreneur. For lunch, I decided to brave some local Icelandic cuisine……

I chose ‘Baldur’, partly because it was the name of a Romulan Warship in Star Trek! However, it had ‘mashed fish’ on one half (which I discovered is a combination of fish and mashed potato) and smoked herring with egg and onion on the other, both on home-made flat-bread. It was actually quite nice. I wasn’t so sure about the Rye-Bread Ice-Cream though…

My final stop was back as the Hallgrimskirkja, as I wanted to go up the tower. The pictures I’ll have to post separately below because of my 10 image limit but the ascent is mostly by lift, as far as the clock(s) and from there you walk up to the open belfry for the views. However, although there were warning signs posted, I had forgotten that it was nearly 2 o’clock, whereupon the full carillon of bells play a tune and the huge bell tolls the hour. Thank goodness it wasn’t twelve o’clock, that’s all I will say about that!

[twistednuns]

May 2024

Spending the first day of the month completely alone. At home. Working on little projects. Labeling all the boxes in the basement. Hanging art. Building a wooden frame for my new kitchen shelves. Tiling my bookcase.

Guessing correctly why I suddenly got a tummy ache. Doing exactly the right thing to make it go away (coffee and meds on an empty stomach are never a good idea).

Mentally apologizing to my body for only really moving it once a week during yoga class.

Recreating my grandma's potato goulash. Eating it with sour cream.

Buying a stool on sale that might or might not look like a little sheep.

Strawberry milkshake on a stressful day. It literally cooled me down.

Getting to know the lady who lives in the cool and airy apartment across the street.

Caught in the act: a little birdy landing on my sheepskin, ripping out a big fur ball for its nest.

Prioritizing alone time. Saying no to social obligations.

Long naps. Sleeping with the windows open, a nasal dilutor and mouth tape. Such a difference. Sometimes I even put a teeth whitening strip in and I want to start experimenting with self-hypnosis tracks.

Unearthing one of my old favourites: Dallmayr Ginger Ginseng green tea.

Sorting out my jewellery just to find a few pieces I really wanted to wear again!

Going to Gregor von Raffay's (Kathi's dad) vernissage. Falling in love with his painting Am Meeresgrund. Having a good time with Chili, Kathi and their kids Luis and Maya.

Rolling down the car windows. Singing along loudly to Soak Up the Sun by Sheryl Crow. My summer jam 2024. Also, I was surprised when I saw what a detailed Wikipedia article this song has.

Coconut porridge and fresh peaches (what a divine smell) for breakfast. Eating outside on the balcony.

Self-massage and gua sha with Aesop Breathless oil - a subtle blood orange smell.

The sudden urge to listen to Unison again. And again. Masterpiece.

Making a playlist of podcast episodes that left an impression.

Watching movies from the late 80s/90s/early 00s I haven't seen yet. I need more feel-good cinema in my life.

Singing at church with my choir. Emotional... such dense energy in there, every time.

Buying spices, bread and Greek antipasti at the market. I wonder why it's so rare for me to go shopping there. I always enjoy it tremendously. But it's probably because I've always thought that it's too expensive. I might have to put market days in my calendar! Hope that helps.

The golden chain tree has started to bloom in yellow cascades in our garden!

A spontaneous decision to join some friends at the drag flea market at Pathos. Exactly the right kind of people I needed that day. Julia, Daniel, Patricia and Katharina. I bought two wigs and a sassy Queen of Hearts costume. Then we sat outside an Italian restaurant until it got cold. Quite entertaining and the right amount of socializing.

My first time in a Float tank.

Finding Isabel Allende's Eva Luna in a box of free books after the thunderstorm.

Making banana ice-cream as a midnight snack.

An improv theatre workshop. So many good ideas and such fun! I even got a day off for it! (and one of the participants who noticed that I was having a tough time and offered me her yoghurt; we really vibed in the word association exercise, too)

Not an exclusively good thing because it came with a lot of fear, an activated abandonment wound and some emotional damage (I spent my lunch break locked in the handicapped toilet trying to calm down my tense body, not knowing how to properly release my emotions, crying big teardrops on the tile floor): three tough but cathartic conversations with C. Deciding that we would stay together. And that lovely moment in the morning when I felt my affection for him coming back.

Sneaking into yoga class. Listening to my body. So glad I went.

Being a member of the little team that is going to suggest new outfits for our gospel choir. Using Miranda Priestley as our group icon. / Also: everyone's joy when Beate got a phone call from Sarah telling her that her son was born a few hours before!

Baffled parents asking me how I manage their kids - and I'm the only teacher who can. Apparently I'm doing something right.

Single use changing mats. Best idea ever. So liberating. I hate wet spots.

The first rays of sunshine in the morning after a few horribly rainy days. Hoping for a chance to dry everything wet on the balcony.

Running into Uschi and Andrea. Dealing with their gossip with a new, detached energy.

Adding a few lemon slices to my tap water. Using my Retap bottle with the wooden lid for the first time in years.

A lengthy journalling session with lots of insights.

Flight mode for more peace of mind.

My strelitzia producing a huge new leaf. The baby is bigger than all the old ones.

Meeting some members of the Burn Family at Stroke Art fair. Good conversations with Sandra, Yeli and Kathi. Discovering a few inspiring artists.

Cinema and dinner with LenObi. It's been a while.

The moon appearing as a faint but full disc with a thin crescent in the lower right corner.

Eggplant burgers.

Visiting Ramapriya's yoga studio for the first time. I don't know what took me so long. We reconnected immediately and now I'm thinking about doing a Yoga Vidya teacher training. I learned so much in that one class. Her pelvic floor asanas and explanations were fantastic. Afterwards we talked about HSP, Human Design (she’s a fellow member of the ManGen club), her daughter, and she showed me a mantra to remove obstacles / gain energy, inspiration and joy. I left after more than two hours. C. called me and told me about a crazy dream featuring an erupting volcano.

Buying a FeetUp as a birthday gift to myself to practice handstands and improve my balance and core strength.

Hanging laburnum branches above C.'s kitchen table.

A walk through the forest/Filzen with C. Picking a bouquet of wildflowers. And “old people sex” which is what we called lying in bed attached to the same EMS machine, having a good conversation. Jumping on the trampoline together. Receiving little caresses and holding hands while watching TV. An intimate high pressure massage. Telling our dreams to each other in the morning. Making travel plans. Turning it around.

When the podcast is about to end right when you arrive at home.

Talking to Annika about portals.

Body doubling. Grading English tests while C. was assembling his new standing table. I love working side by side. Or even just somebody being present - it's some sort of control mechanism, I feel supported. I did that for C. when I just sat with him while he sorted out his storage space. And I think it really helped him, too.

Reading the lyrics of Die Interimsliebenden by Einstürzende Neubauten with C. In ihrem gemeinsamen Mund lebt ein Kolibri. Mit jedem seiner Flügelschläge, dafür das Auge viel zu träge, Kulturen erblühen und vergehen; ganze Kontinente untergehen.

Getting to know Elena, who works with Somatic Experiencing and Craniosacral Method. We got to know each other and I drew two pictures of my body. How it currently feels and what I want it to feel like. Interesting insights.

Waking up in a weird but calm energy on my birthday. Drawing the receptivity card. Attending a workshop on Deep Listening at the Art Academy. We meditated and played with sounds, even synthesizers. While some of it was too much for me (I could hear the electric current and most of the synthesizer sounds felt threatening) I enjoyed the concept and exercises. The other participants were all art teachers too. I felt resistance around one of them, Bastien, but we started talking over lunch. It got interesting really quickly and we spent two more hours in the English Garden after the workshop. B. told me his story. How he received healing. Experiences he's made. It was batshit crazy but I think I believe him. Was that the story I needed to receive that day? / Then I had tacos with Ben and we got along famously. I told him how much I like him when he's sober. I rented a karaoke box for two hours and sang with lots of friends - even Manu came which delighted me more than I would have expected.

Another relational abyss. Melodramatic scenes, right out of a movie. Turning around one of the saddest days of the year by truly talking and listening to each other. Seeing the wounded inner child in my partner. Being there for him. A commitment to doing the work. Growth.

Thoughtful birthday presents. A pillow for my uncomfortable car, a beautiful wok with wooden handles, homemade liquor and roasted pistachios. A video note from Christian and Lian.

Joking with C. and L. Easy, relaxed, appreciative. Developing C.’s idea for his outside platform. A relaxed morning with a kiss goodbye.

Lucie blessing me by singing the Om Tryambakam mantra for my birthday.

Shower Citrus! Eating a citrus fruit in the shower. My theory: the warm steam enhances the smell of the essential oil in the peel. It smells divine! What an experience.

A lavish breakfast. The spontaneous decision to go on a roadtrip. So we just packed the car and went our way. First we visited C.'s friend Maxi. She's one of those people with whom you immediately feel comfortable with. Her home was lovely. I also want a garden, chickens, a yoga platform. We slept in a caravan, talked about Merlin Sheldrake, had green pancakes and herbs, vegetable cake, smelled her entire DoTerra essential oil collection (Cassium, Madagascar Vanilla and Grapefruit are my favorites). I adored her daughter’s hairstyle (two chopsticks in a bun) and felt very cheerful one morning when I came into the house and an old Cat Power album was playing. / Then we visited her mum and tested all her esoteric devices and appliances. Moved on, had to change plans because C. forgot his backpack. Stopped at a strawberry field. Met Maxi and Juna at a lake, went swimming. I was reminded of how much I love that kind of movement. Water really is my element. We slept at a campsite in Aue. Not my scene at all. But the next day, we went to a thermal bath and sauna. Another happy place. Then we stayed with Franzi in Leipzig. I adored her apartment and we had a long conversation on her balcony. We also visited Marie together the next day. I tried to convince her cat to like me - no such luck. And I also ran into Jonathan that afternoon who was in town to visit his brother. What a strange coincidence. We went vintage shopping - I bought stained glass (and really want to learn how to work with it myself), C. bought an iridescent fake python jacket and a postcard for his son. We checked into a hotel. Received another lesson on personal boundaries. Went for a swim and a sauna session. Had ramen noodles. After a big breakfast (with fresh nut butter, delicious) we went to Jena and spent Ralf's lunch break in the botanical garden with him. We had a lovely time and spent the rest of the day in the planetarium for a 360° full dome movie festival and a concert. I took breaks for a Thai massage and fantastic Indian food. What a great trip.

Chris Wormell’s incredible illustrations, escpecially his astronomical woodcuts.

The tiniest mushrooms starting to grow in my champignon kit.

Making strawberry Raffaello cake for the Filzhof pizza party. Getting to know some of C.'s neighbours better. Playing with the dogs.

Watching the first season of House of the Dragon together. I'm a Rhaenys fangirl now.

White Matcha chocolate. And the best snack: pecans, freeze dried strawberries and spelt flakes.

Going to the garden center with C.! I loved picking out plants for the empty corner in his garden.

Alone time. Feels so nice after spending a long time surrounded by people.

Finishing the sunrise decor on my kitchen cabinets. They turned out really lovely.

Re-folding all my clothes. Sorting them by type and colour.

Eating buckwheat for lunch and dinner.

A phone call with Ludwig. Learning about my crippling insecurity and the underlying fear. Paradoxically, insecurity is my safe space because it means inaction. I don't have to make a decision - which would come with the possibility of making a mistake. / The Lesson pt.II - I clicked on a random video to keep me company while eating cornflakes. It was, of course, on safety as THE basic human need. In my face.

Harvesting the first two tiny cucumbers on my balcony. The bush in front of my window in full bloom - thousands of tiny white blossoms.

Making myself a cup of herbal tea instead of aimless snacking, trying to meet an emotional need. It worked.

Activities with Lian: decorating pudding, folding origami Pokémon, playfights.

Finally grading the artworks from the final exam. Procrastination alarm.

Drawing my body now and in its desired state with Elena. Doing boundary exercises. Meeting my inner protector: a big fuzzy bear. Which made me think of Luki who like running around in dark brown sheep skin and radiates a very stable, secure energy.

Reaching a relative state of everything is as it should be in my apartment with hardly any loose threads.

A visit from Luna and her friend Jannik. Deep talk, hanging out in my bed.

The golden morning sun. The long days around summer solstice.

[crimsonmoonlite]

Loser. - Jacob Black X Mike Newton X Edward Cullen - 18+ MPreg - 6. Occupied

Riley Biers: 18, Xavier Samuel, Newborn Vamp TW: SA February 12th, 2006 9:05 PM Mike was still a little upset at what happened this morning. Jacob hasn't been texting him back, and Bella hasn't been coming to work, so he drove to La Push to confront him but was stopped. Mike tried to run him over, but he was too fast. Sam Uley stood before the SUV and told him they were dealing with werewolf stuff, and he couldn't be a part of it.

He kept trying to call him hands-free as he was driving to Seattle. Since Mike could drive by himself, they had been forcing him to go. He hated this long ass trip, but at least he got to hang out with his parents. He doesn't like his parent's views but still loves them. He would even sing and gossip with them on this trip.

He did errands for his parents, such as getting used Bibles from closing down churches, attending storage unit auctions, and picking up his mother's order from a furniture store. When he was done, he walked through the mall to a music store to listen to more audiobooks or CDs on his drive home.

He also spent a pretty penny on a tuxedo for the dance, he always had to use the hand-me-downs from his Uncle, and most of his clothes were from the 80s. Mike used some of his earnings to eat out before he had to head home, Romano's Macaroni Grill. The only food restaurant to eat at was Keatons in Forks, and that was mostly fried food. Port Angeles had some chains, but they would have to come to Seattle if they wanted good food.

He felt a little stupid going to the dance alone for two days. It was a combination of the winter formal and valentines Day so the school could save money. He was hoping that it was Eric calling him to tell him that he locked down most of the voters giving them 50% off coupons to Olympic Outfitters.... but it was Jacob.

"Hello..."

"Hey, Sam told me that you were trying to come see me. You want more of this-"

"Why haven't you been texting me back," Mike interrupted as Jacob had acted like he was 'the Man' after fucking him the other day.

"Oh, there are a couple of people after Bella. The Wolves are stepping in to protect her since vampires suck." Jacob said in a 'no big deal' tone.

"Should I be worried?"

"Nah, I marked my territory around your house and in your car, if you know what I mean,"

"I knew my car smelled different," Mike mumbled.

"Where are you at? Eric's again?" Jacob asked as he lay down on the branch outside Bella's room.

"I had to run some errands for my parents. I am eating on a balcony right now,"

"When are you going to be back? I miss your scent," Jacob said, and Mike blushed... he hated that it turned him on that Jacob was always smelling him.

"My food just came out, so probably four or so hours," Mike mumbled, wanting to be in bed. He wanted to convey how mad he was at Jacob, but it wasn't coming across as he missed him so much.

"Wait... 4 hours? Where are you," Jacob sat up, realizing he didn't answer the first time.

"Seattle?" Mike said, a little concerned that Jacob's tone had changed. "Hello?" Mike asked as he could tell Jake was quickly talking, but he was breaking up. He looked at his phone. "Sorry, I am losing service. I will text you when I am headed home,"

Mike chowed down on his pizza and 'built a pasta.' He put almost everything on the menu and loved every bite. He wiped his mouth with a napkin when he felt eyes on him. He turned to see in front of him to see a good-looking guy and a red-headed woman sitting at a table at the end of the balcony. He blushed but finished eating, giving the waitress a large tip before he left.

He still felt eyes on his back and was a little spooked. He asked a larger waiter to see him at his SUV, far from in the parking lot. He texted Jake that he was off, but when driving just outside the city. He saw it didn't end when he parked at a gas station. He kept trying to send it as he filled up his tank.

As he had downed several glasses of Dr. Peppers at lunch, he was icked out by the gas station. No one was there but one gas station attendant, there were blinking lights, and the sound of the buzzing light almost overpowered the highway. He locked his Escalade looking around before he ran into the station. He looked around for the bathroom but couldn't find it.

"Bathrooms are outside," The employee said without looking up from his magazine.

"Really?" Mike whined, and the man looked up, "I mean, can't I pay you, and I can use the employee bathroom? Going to outside bathrooms in creepy gas stations is like Horror Film 101,"

"Bathrooms. Are. Outside," He repeated, and Mike groaned. He told himself he was just being skittish, and he couldn't make it to drive to another gas station. He ran to the side of the station. and then to the other side as he went the wrong way.

Knocking on the door, he didn't hear anyone saying 'occupied.' so he turned the knob. He gasped as the first thing he saw was a man with black eyes looking down at him with a smirk. He recognized him as the guy staring at him at the restaurant. He stepped back before running to his car and screaming bloody murder, but the guy cupped his face.

"Come on inside..." Riley said with compulsion dripping out of his mouth, Mike tried to fight it, but he felt his body moving forward.

Mike was cornered into the bathroom as his omega was drawn to the vampire. He tried not to look into his eyes since Jake told him when he was face to face with a vampire as thats the main thing with compulsion. Riley still didn't know how not to play with his food, but Mike was so delicious. They didn't know he was with Bella's group before the phone call, but they had been stalking him throughout the day.

"Your scent has been driving me insane all day, even with that mutt's scent mixed in with it," Riley said, cupping Mike's face. He could feel the blood flowing through every vein in his body. Mike was shivering as he was terrified. He knew what he was. It didn't help that the man was freezing cold. He ripped Mike's shirt off and thumbed the mark on his neck.

Mike pushed at his chest, but he didn't budge. He felt an ice-like fit under his waist badly and down to prod his pretty hole. Mike's body betrayed him and slicked up. He moaned and lulled his head back, resting on the wall.

"I am going to turn you... you will be my plaything when Victoria is being difficult," Riley whispered in his ear, "I know you hate Bella. I could feel it when the mutt said her name."

"I-I don't, though," Mike whimpered as he rested his head on Riley's neck, letting down his guard as Riley found the vein in his neck before latching his teeth. He screamed and writhed in pain with the venom injected into his veins. The Newborn Vampire widened his eyes as he heard footsteps approaching. He was ready before the door was off the hinges. He vowed to himself that he would finish the job later and fully turn Mike, but he had to book it now.

"Shit..." Edward was torn between catching up with Riley, killing him, and helping Bella's friend writhing on the floor. He was an Omega, so the venom wasn't fatal to him. His body could naturally fight off anything.... but he was an empath. "Mike," Edward really didn't know his name. It was shot in the dark out of three names starting with M's.

"G-Go after him," Mike hissed as tears streamed down his face, "He mentioned Bella," Mike said, trying to be the bigger person as he was going through the worst pain his entire life. He felt lifted and pinned up against the wall in place as Edward was sucking the venom out of him.

Edward really struggled, even more than when he had to suck the venom out of Bella. Slight blood made it through with the venom, making his eyes dilate. It was unlike anyone he had drained before... If human blood was like cocaine for Vampires, the Omega's blood was heroin.

Mike panted as the venom escaped his body. A small amount was left as Edward didn't want to get any straight blood. Edward lapped his tongue over the bite to close it, panting along with Mike as he rested his head on the dirty tiles of the bathroom.

The Employee wasn't coming out of the station. He knew what had happened in these streets. "E-Edward?"

"It's okay, I am okay... just need a minute to recuperate," Edward was fighting the urge to drain Mike. It was good that Carlisle had made Emmett come after them when word got around Mike was in Seattle. Bella was the only human Carlisle had gotten attached to in centuries, but he needed to ensure he was safe with all the opportunities with Mike.

"Eddie, you okay?" Emmett asked, stepping into the bathroom. Mike looked at the corner of the room, not wanting to look into Emmett's eyes. Eric wasn't really a detective. The Cullens knew Mike was a little obsessed with Emmett as he stared at him constantly. "The Douche is going to kill you if you bite him..."

"I'm good... I'm good," Edward licked his lips and dug his nails into his palms. "Take him to his car... I need to eat," He bit his lip, and Emmett quickly relieved him. Edward left a cold gust leaving Mike freezing and vulnerable. He quickly crossed his arms over his chest as he felt a little self-conscious about his budding nipples.

Emmett hadn't touched a human for decades; remembering he had to be gentle, he took off his coat and wrapped it around Mike's shoulder. This bathroom was so disgusting he didn't want to pick the shirt up off the floor and put it back on him.

"Can you walk, or are you lightheaded," Emmett asked.

"Yes..." Mike said and stepped, but the bathroom was swirling in his vision. Emmett chuckled and picked him up, toting him to the car.

"He is safe. Edward is eating," Emmett pulled out his phone and called Bella, knowing that Jacob could hear him. Trying to avoid the mutt was pointless as he snatched the phone from Bella.

"He was bitten, who bit him... I am going to rip their necks off and feed them to vultures while he is still alive," Jacob rambled nonsense, showing Bella how much he cared about Mike.

"He was bitten by the same Vampire that was snooping around Bella's room, Victoria's bitch," Emmett said, snapping in Mike's face and ensuring he was responsive. He heard Alice trying to calm Jacob down, saying he was an Omega and wouldn't turn.

"We will get him later. I can see it... Does Mike need anything? You can feel what he is deficient in," Alice spoke, but Jacob growled, jumping out of the window as he felt himself near shifting. "Em, is he responsive?" She could hear the snaps.

"Sort of. I think he is just nervous around me," Emmett said, and Mike blushed, "When Edward gets back, I will go into the store and buy him some Gatorade and crackers,"

"We need you back here as you're the strongest. Tell Edward he needs to drive Mike back," Alice told him, and Emmett nodded, trying to get Mike to tell him what happened before Edward arrived.

------- TW: Mentioned Childhood Abuse 10:59 PM Mike was still sipping on his Gatorade and trembling as they made it through Elwha. Mike was understandably weary around vampires. It was a little comical that Edward was putting up with listening to High School Musical with Mike on the way home. He turned down the radio slightly to talk.

"Michael..." Edward spoke, and Mike flinched but then looked at Edward, "Michael was the name of the first person I drained the life from... he was a rapist-murderer in London, England. He was a horrible person, but I guess you are okay..."

"Is that why you don't like me?"

"Huh? Of course not," Edward scoffed, "You're not the same person... I don't like humans. You're a good friend to Bella, though, even though it seems she isn't as good to you,"

"So, one of the first things you ever say to me is that I have the same name as a murderer?"

"I didn't mean it like that... I am not a talker. Ask Bella." Edward furrowed his eyebrows and looked over at the innocent human. "I am so sorry I wasn't here earlier... my Uncle used to..." Edward said that before he stopped, no one knew about his childhood trauma. "I'm... I'm just sorry."

"It's not your fault... either one," Mike said, looking down, "The camp counselor at the church camp my parents sent me to when I was six used to touch me... they didn't believe me when I told them and kept sending me back," Mike said, and Edward was surprised at the honesty. It took him over a century to talk about what happened to him.

"What the hell?" Edward asked himself, and Mike widened his eyes as he had just told one of his darkest secrets, "Not you," Edward placed a hand on Mike's shoulder as he pulled over.

"What are you doing? Why are you pulling over," Mike said, and Edward gave an annoyed look as he pointed into the woods. For the first time, Mike saw Jacob in all his wolf glory jumping out of the woods and forming back into his human. They were almost an hour away from Forks, and he had been running since he jumped out of Bella's window.

When he saw him, Mike pulled at the handle, and Edward unlocked the doors. They tackled each other in an embrace. While Jacob wanted to do the same, Mike was sobbing but staying strong.

"Thank you, Bloodsucker," Jacob said, hiding his face in Mike's neck, sucking and licking at his wound to improve it. "I got it..." He said, and Edward gave him a nod stepping out of the Escalade and running back to Bella's house. "I love you," Jacob said for the first time and nuzzled his nose into Mike's neck, comforting him as he cried, "I am so sorry I wasn't protecting you..." Please Vote, Comment, Add to your lists, and share this story with a friend:).

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She took this moment as a chance to take in her younger brother’s ragged appearance, at first glance he looked like he normally did; exhausted. But taking the time to really study him, she knew Carmy was doing worse than he’d ever admit.

💔older sister thingsss

The discoloration under his eyes was the worst Nat had seen it, the deep blue-purple bruising a sign that he was getting even less sleep than he usually did.

poor guys going THROUGH it

She would find him just standing in the restaurant, sometimes eyes staring into nothing as he worried the pendant between his fingers, oftentimes raising it to his lips before letting it go completely and wandering to do whatever task needed to be done.

this!! it kills me like bro really has this pendant and it’s like what keeps him going?? like i find it kinda cute tho (like give me a man who wears my initial 🙄😐🥲)

“That I’m pregnant.” Her final words were spoken just loud enough to alert the crew to her news.

surpiseeeee shawtyyyyy

Nat watched as the two men locked eyes, not too keen on playing referee for these two again. She looked in Carmy’s direction as Richie began making his way over, trying to gauge what was going through her little brother's mind.

these children i swear

“Carmen,” Richie nodded in acknowledgment to Carmy. Richie would be lying if he said he wasn’t purposefully using Carmy’s government name to rile him up, he knew how much Carmy hated it when you did it, and since you weren’t here someone had to uphold the tradition.

i can picture them already LMAO

“I don’t like your tone, Carmen,”

😭

“all I’m sayin’ is Mikey didn’t trademark it whoever did might…I dunno hypothetically deserve an apology in return for said documents.”

richie #1 baby defender !!

“Cat’s out of the bag! Our pregnancy is no longer top secret!”

AWWW PETEEEE

“Nat’s my partner you know? And I’m so grateful for her providing me the opportunity to be a father. Allowing me to build with her, for us to come together and bring a child into this world, it’s a beautiful thing I love her ya know.”

stop he loves her so muchhhh!!!

“Nat she uh…she confided in me about how she always wanted to be the one to throw you a shower if you ever decided to have children. And if-when we had our own she’d want you to be in charge of hers…if you wanted to not like she would force you.”

they’re sisters no matter what 🥹🤍 i’m really glad baby has someone like nat (and pete) but i also feel like sugar needed someone like baby since she grew up with just mikey and carmy + richie was probably one of those friends that was always at their house.

“But Pete was so positive and always looking at life and your situation with a ‘glass half full’ mentality, that his constant belief in you helped to make the hard days easier.”

he’s so needed in that family like he’s adds in a little fun and positivity

“Pete, do you think you could give me Carmen’s number?” You tried not to roll your eyes as you saw Pete’s own light up, you were almost positive he would be telling Nat about this topic of conversation.

🤭🤭

Pete laughed, “He never answers my calls anyway.”

😂😭

I just, whatever is going on between you and Carmen, it’s affecting Nat. And she won’t tell you because you deserve to feel how you feel, but with the baby and the restaurant…she doesn’t need to play "Fix it Felix” with you and Carmen right now.”

WELL SAID PETE 😭 WIFEY NEEDS A BREAK!!!!

“You still fuckin with that lil dumbass boy?” The question caused you to choke on the last bit of cocoa in your cup.

😭😭 he’s so real

“Listen I know we ain’t sposed to have like personal relationships and shit, but lemme know what homeboy looks like I’ll get my goons on em’ for you.” Your head fell back in laughter as Cortez raised his fist to under both of his eyes.

i like this guy LMAO

Carmen stopped in his tracks, eyes finding your figure across the street. You were in front of the church that held the Al-Anon meetings he told you about.

omg

He felt the air leave his lungs as your name flashed across his screen, he realized just how indecent setting that Polaroid picture of you with his chain on might have been now that he was in public, but it’s not like he ever thought you’d call him.

each mention of the polaroids i die a little like.. 🥲

He scrolled through the messages eyes reading over your message with details about a baby shower, your address included.

i can’t wait for the baby shower !!! i’m hoping and praying it’s a sweet time (no drama pls) but whatever you have planned will be GOOD 😭😂

But here he was with a message from you, and a missed call and he wasn’t sure how to take any of it.

sighs

‘Hey Carmen, uh it’s me…Baby. Not sure why I introduced myself. I'm sure you know it’s me.” Carmy let out a watery chuckle at the sound of your voice, even if he hadn't saved your number the delicate timber of your voice would’ve been enough for him.

catch him replaying this voicemail every morning now after receiving it

“I know you have issues with girls actually having your number…Sorry, that was actually kind of rude.”

baby no.. that was actually well deserved for him

“but I think we both deserve a chance to explain our side of things. I um…I also have some things I think you should know. Just, if this is something you’re interested in, you have my number.”

it’s coming soon…. i cannot wait like even if it leaves me in tears

You lived about 30 minutes from where he was, he was confident he could get there in 20 and spare the 10 minutes at a store near you.

i know he’s a chef but i love that he like immediately chooses that he needs to make dinner for her like i know for sure his love language is acts of service like bros here calculating time on how long it will take to get to her place then the grocery market like breatheeee dude

He was nervous, maybe showing up at your house to cook you dinner wasn’t his most thought-out plan but he needed you desperately, needed to see you, be in your presence, and know that there was still a chance of something more between the two of you.

bro 😭😭

the pendant delicately resting against his chest felt warm. Carmen was adamant that he would admit his love for you tonight, unsure if he could go another day living with the fact that you were in love with him, but you still didn’t know just how much he had always loved you. You were so blissfully unaware that since he could remember, you had been the one and only option in his mind.

BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 😭🤍

chapter seven | they know i believed in us last week

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣

pairing: carmen berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!pete x fem!reader | male!oc x fem!reader |

summary: carmy struggles to deal with your absence in his life, while you finally learn to live without him.

warning(s): talk about miscarriage (no explicit details) | word miscarriage used once | implied suicidal thoughts | substance abuse | NA | AA | Al-Anon | grief | mention of pregnancy |angst | drama | semi-fluff | language | sad boi carm | baby being mature | woe is me carmy | please let me know if i missed anything |

wc: 7.3k

song rec: i'll still have me - cyn, aquilo

semi-edited/proof-read

“Carm hey, are you listening?” Natalie’s eyes flitted across Carmy’s face, his blank eyes staring directly past her. She took this moment as a chance to take in her younger brother’s ragged appearance, at first glance he looked like he normally did; exhausted. But taking the time to really study him, she knew Carmy was doing worse than he’d ever admit.

His usual textured and fluffy hair was limp against his head, the greasy quality of it proving he needed a wash. The discoloration under his eyes was the worst Nat had seen it, the deep blue-purple bruising a sign that he was getting even less sleep than he usually did. The skin of his lips was dehydrated and bitten to pieces, a tick he had as a child that gradually calmed down as he grew older. And the visible stubble on his chin was enough to know that the absence of your presence in his life was hitting him harder than anyone expected.

Her eyes caught on the chain that was haphazardly peeking out of his shirt, squinting at the newly added pendant hanging from it. Natalie didn’t have to be a genius to know whose initial hung around Carmen’s neck, the chain which was usually safely tucked into his shirt was now blatantly on show for everyone to see. Natalie had noticed it more recently since your and Carmy’s argument, though this was her first time seeing it this close. She would find him just standing in the restaurant, sometimes eyes staring into nothing as he worried the pendant between his fingers, oftentimes raising it to his lips before letting it go completely and wandering to do whatever task needed to be done.

Natalie’s concern was palpable but the discomfort in her abdomen was worse. “Have you tried talking to her?” The shaky breath she let out filtered between the two of them.

Carmen’s eyes finally snapped to hers taking in the uncomfortable expression on her face, “Sug?” He waited for Nat to focus on him. “You good?” The question hung in the air as Natalie tried to even out her breathing.

Using his sister's obvious discomfort to deflect from the conversation she was insistent on having wasn’t the nicest thing to do, but he’d rather put his sister’s well-being before being forced to think about how long it had been since he last spoke to you; he last saw you.

Carmy watched as Sug raised a closed hand to her mouth suppressing the urge to gag. “Yeah good, I’m good.” The forced smile on her lips did nothing to fool Carmy, but he wouldn’t force the issue.

“Can you uh, explain to me again how we’re doing, I spaced.” His fingers raised to run through his hair a small grimace painting his face at the grime he could feel left behind on his fingertips.

“Seven weeks out, Carm, and still so much to be done,” An exhausted sigh breathed through Natalie’s lips. The stress opening this restaurant caused felt extremely unnecessary considering her current status.

“No yeah I heard that,” Carmy nodded his head rapidly, Sug’s words slowly coming back to him. He squinted his eyes, hand scratching the grown-out stubble on his chin.  “You uh said something about the DBA getting rejected?”

“About that.” Natalie’s voice trailed off one hand pressing into her abdomen to ease the ache, “The name’s taken.”

Nat watched as Carmy processed the words, her discomfort felt like it was increasing as the seconds passed by.

“Who the fuck could’ve taken the name?” The idea perplexed Carmy. There was no chance another business could have the same name, well there was, it was just slim as hell.

Nat shrugged just as confused as Carmy “It’s been trademarked for years, whoever filed has all legal rights to the name.”

“Fuck me!” The pitch of Carmy’s voice rose along with his irritation.

Natalie’s own mumbled expletive was drowned out by Carmy’s outburst, the nauseating morning sickness she was experiencing came in an extra hard bout today.

“Yo, Sug…Sug. You sure you’re okay?” Carmy’s concern now outweighed his confusion, Nat’s weird behavior this whole morning was beginning to worry him.

“I can do this Carmy right, tell me I can do this.” Natalie’s breathing began to increase as a slight panic flooded through her. Carmy watched her with wide eyes, no idea what she could even be talking about.

“Tell me I can do it, Carm!” The wave of nausea subsided with her yell, Carmy’s hands raised in the air to divert blame.

“Fuck okay! You can do it Sug.”

“I am…completely terrified. And I’m only telling you because..I don’t know. Just-just in case.” Natalie nodded to herself as a way to provide her nerves with courage.

Carmy just stared at Natalie still not following where she was leading this conversation to.

“I really want this to be loving and good and happy,” A smile rose to Nat’s face “I just..I don’t want anyone to know…well besides Baby and now you.”

Carmy’s eyes focused on Sug’s abdomen, the pieces of the puzzle slowly fitting together in his head. The name she spoke felt like it was echoing through his ears.

“Sure” He wasn’t sure how to react to the news, he had always assumed Natalie would be the first of the siblings to start a family. And as the years passed by he knew it was a desire he himself had.

“I really don’t want Richie to know. Because somehow, it feels more in my control when and who knows…” The sound of the wall falling caused Nat to raise her voice as she finished her sentence. “That I’m pregnant.” Her final words were spoken just loud enough to alert the crew to her news.

“I fuckin’ knew it.” The sound of Richie’s shout grated on Nat’s nerves, but the quiet congratulations helped to ease her ire a bit.

Carmy was happy for Sugar, but it felt like it was setback after setback for the restaurant and all the personal issues he was dealing with weren't helping his stress. He felt his shoulders sag a bit mind racing as to how the name could already be trademarked, or who would’ve trademarked it.

His eyes found Richie’s as the man cajoled about how he knew Natalie was pregnant this whole time. Had Richie told someone the name and they took it for themselves? Did Mikey somehow trademark it while on a bender? The thought made Carmy’s head hurt what the fuck even was the point of opening this restaurant if they couldn’t use the name. The name was the epitome of the restaurant.

If you were here Carmy knew you would've given him an analogy for how he was feeling, you would’ve told him he was like Atlas holding up the sky or whatever he did. He shook his head trying to rid himself of thoughts of you, it wasn’t helping him in the least.

As much as he’d rather not converse with Richie, he needed to get to the bottom of this trademark business.

“Yo, Cousin!” The words felt wrong escaping Carmy’s lips the two men avoided each other in the same way you avoided Carmen.

The agitation on Richie’s face was instant, Carmy knew he fucked up with you, but the cold shoulder he was getting from Richie felt unnecessary.

Nat watched as the two men locked eyes, not too keen on playing referee for these two again. She looked in Carmy’s direction as Richie began making his way over, trying to gauge what was going through her little brother's mind.

“Carmen,” Richie nodded in acknowledgment to Carmy. Richie would be lying if he said he wasn’t purposefully using Carmy’s government name to rile him up, he knew how much Carmy hated it when you did it, and since you weren’t here someone had to uphold the tradition.

Carmy felt his eye twitch Richie’s immaturity since the argument with you felt never-ending. “Did Mikey ever trademark the name?”

Richie frowned looking between him and Nat the assumption that he had any goddamn clue laughable “What the fuck did Mikey look like trademarking shit? Wasn’t I just slangin’ crack to keep the lights on?”

Carmy’s eyes shut as Nat let out a quiet gasp, watching as Richie raised his hands in defense. Maybe running a back alley drug ring wasn’t the best for business, but without it, they may not have been in this moment renovating the restaurant.

“Well someone fucking trademarked it, Richie.” The attitude Carmy was catching was wholly unwelcome.

“I don’t like your tone, Carmen,” Richie matched Carmy’s energy giving him what he was getting. “All I’m sayin’ is Mikey didn’t trademark it whoever did might…I dunno hypothetically deserve an apology in return for said documents.”

Carmy was at his wits end with the older man “Oh so you’re the fucking Riddler now.”

“Baby trademarked the name?” Nat’s voice traveled between the trio at the same time as Carmen’s snarky remark. Carmy’s head shot to her, confused as to how she concluded you had anything to do with the conversation at hand.

“Bingo!” Richie’s hands came together in a loud clap Sydney rolled her eyes at the obnoxious man before looking over the various work orders. “She did that shit years ago and gave it to Mikey as a present, he…left it for her when he passed.”

A quiet fell over their small group, each of them taking in the gesture. Richie had only become privy to the present when he went through the office to try and make sense of what the hell Mikey was doing to keep the business up and running. He had knocked a framed picture of your group off the desk cleaning up the mess only to find the folded trademark document in the back of the broken picture frame.

Your name was haphazardly scribbled into the back of it.

Carmen’s chest heaved as he let the news wash over him, it seemed since the two of you had your falling out the universe was continuously pushing him to interact with you. He raised his hand to his face, rubbing it up and down as he added another item to the long list of things going wrong with the restaurant.

In a way, learning that you were responsible for trademarking the name made Carmy’s chest feel warm. It felt like you wanted this for Mikey just as much as he did, the two of you both supporting Mikey in ways the other never knew. It also gave him an excuse to speak with you, not that he needed one. If he was a better man he would’ve already worked up the courage to reach out to you. He could feel a headache coming on the more he thought about trying to fix things with you.

Carmen was sure he’d figure things out soon, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could figure things out with you not by his side. Which he would admit was quite ironic considering all the times he had willingly pushed you away. But being pushed away by you had proven to him just how badly he was screwing things up with you, to hear you be so upset by his actions he basically forced you into confessing your love stung him to his core.

Carmy wasn’t exactly sure what love was supposed to feel like, but he was almost positive it wasn’t this. The ache in his chest from not being around you, looking for you in every crowd he was in. Soaking up any conversation your name was mentioned in. Maybe he did know what love was supposed to feel like, because for all the time he had been in love with you, he had never once felt so completely and utterly broken as he had been since not fighting for your love a year ago like he should have.

“That was Nat,” you looked up as Pete returned to the table, a smile growing on your face at how happy he looked to have been speaking with his wife. “Cat’s out of the bag! Our pregnancy is no longer top secret!”

Pete’s excitement was contagious, your smile growing wider at his pure joy. “Our pregnancy?” You chuckled never having heard anyone refer to it as if the pregnancy was shared.

You watched as Pete sipped the water in front of him, a signature goofy smile back on his face. “Of course! I mean yeah Nat is carrying the baby, but I’m just as pregnant as she is.” You gave Pete a confused look, a laugh bubbling out of you.

“You laugh now Baby, but I’m serious.” Pete paused as the waiter brought out the bread for your table, both of you quickly thanking them. “Nat’s my partner you know? And I’m so grateful for her providing me the opportunity to be a father. Allowing me to build with her, for us to come together and bring a child into this world, it’s a beautiful thing I love her ya know.”

The sheen in Pete’s eyes was enough to make you emotional you didn’t need to hear his explanation to know how much Pete loved Natalie, you could just see it in the way he looked at her, in the way his face would light up when anyone would mention her name or ask about her.

“I’m happy that Nat has someone like you to build a life with.” Both you and Pete shared misty-eyed smiles, chuckles leaving each of you at how emotional the small things made both of you.

“Looks like that dinner you were planning just turned into a full-blown baby shower!” The loud clap Pete’s hands made startled you. “Wow, it really will be a Baby shower!”

You watched as Pete laughed at his own pun, doing your best not to laugh along with him and encourage his bad jokes. The relationship you developed with Pete was a bit weird in the beginning, you weren’t the most open to the idea, and it’s not because you didn’t like Pete, it just felt like you were replacing Mikey.

It took a while before you could look at Pete and realize he wasn’t trying to replace Mikey’s role in your life, and that the drugs and paranoia had driven you to that conclusion. Pete was a great man, standing by Natalie’s side while she fought to keep you alive. Probably being more accepting than someone else may have been when he and Nat decided to help you. Pete and Natalie both put aside their own lives to help you get better, and get back on your feet, and while part of you wished Mikey was around to ground you as well, Pete’s love and kindness didn’t deserve to be taken for granted.

“That dinner was supposed to be a surprise for you too Peter,” you shot him a tiny glare before reaching for some bread. “I just wanted you both to have a nice night off together, no stress.” The reservation had already been made, but thinking about Pete’s words and the excitement when explaining most everyone knew about the pregnancy, maybe it would have been best for an intimate shower for the two soon-to-be parents.

Pete was definitely a family guy and Natalie came from a big family, maybe a shower would be for the best. Surround them with people who loved and supported them and just allow everyone to bask in the happiness the joyous news brought, you were sure everyone could use a break.

“Okay hypothetically say I put together a small shower for the two of you, is that even something Nat would want?” Sure you knew Nat but Pete was her husband and this was their moment, you didn’t want to ambush her with a party she never wanted.

You watched Pete bristle a little, a nervous smile raised to his lips, “I uh I’m not sure if Nat ever told you but she kinda had this…this whole dream about the two of you,” you frowned confused at what Pete was talking about.

“Well not like an unconscious sleeping dream, more like a-an idea?” Pete’s voice rose at the end of his sentence, not sure if the question in his tone was meant for you or him.

“Pete bud you lost me.” You gave him a small nod of encouragement awaiting his response.

“Um so…after your uh…loss,” a sad smile rose to Pete’s lips, you could see the apology in his eyes. “Nat she uh…she confided in me about how she always wanted to be the one to throw you a shower if you ever decided to have children. And if-when we had our own she’d want you to be in charge of hers…if you wanted to not like she would force you.” The nervous huff of laughter from Pete hung in the air for a minute.

The admission perplexed you, Nat had never brought this up to you directly and maybe it was because she felt like she couldn’t. You weren’t the most open when it came to the topic of your miscarriage always avoiding the conversation whenever Nat tried to breach it.

“Baby…you’re the closest thing Natalie has to a sister. I can promise she would be ecstatic no matter what decision you choose.”

You nodded, the motion happened unconsciously as you tried to take in everything Pete had laid on you. Of course, there were things Nat wouldn’t share with you, but while the two of you were like sisters you didn’t expect her to share every little detail with you. As you let Pete’s words digest you couldn’t help the warm feeling beginning to flood through your body, if you were being honest you weren’t sure if it was the best idea to be throwing anyone a baby shower, but you also knew Natalie deserved to be celebrated, not only for the life she and Pete were creating together, but also for all the work she was doing to ensure that The Bear had a fighting chance.

“Okay,” your head continued its up-and-down motion. “Yeah okay let’s do it but I’m going to need your help, Pete.” You watched the smile on his face increase tenfold, your own wide smile spreading your lips due to how contagious Pete’s joy was.

“Anything and I mean anything Baby, I am your guy.” Pete’s giddiness warmed you even more, you didn’t think you had ever been surrounded by anyone with such a positive attitude before. In the beginning, when Natalie and Pete first began dating, his electric personality was a bit much but you found yourself always trying to make Pete feel included, especially with how off-putting the rest of the Berzatto clan could be.

And when you were recovering it was almost like you had to re-acclimate yourself to Pete’s personality. Your recovery was hard, there were some days you weren’t even sure if you wanted to get better or if you wanted oxygen to continue filling your lungs. But Pete was so positive and always looking at life and your situation with a ‘glass half full’ mentality, that his constant belief in you helped to make the hard days easier.

A small sigh escaped your lips as you readied yourself for the question you were about to ask. “Pete, do you think you could give me Carmen’s number?” You tried not to roll your eyes as you saw Pete’s own light up, you were almost positive he would be telling Nat about this topic of conversation. “Before you get any ideas, I just need it to invite him to the shower.” You raised your hands in defense hoping Pete wouldn’t look into this any more than he already was.

“No can do B, the idea train has already left the station.” His fingers drummed on the table with excitement. “But I will do you one better,” you frowned as you watched Pete pick up his phone, fingers skating across the screen before he held it up to show you. A call to Carmen already going through as Pete sent you a thumbs-up.

You looked at the screen eyes wide, the shock temporarily paralyzed for a moment. The quiet sound of the ringing between the two of you brought you back. “Pete! Hang up the phone.” Your voice was terse as you spoke trying not to draw too much attention from other patrons.

Pete laughed, “He never answers my calls anyway.” Pete’s words irritated you, but you were glad to see the call go to voicemail before Pete pressed the end call button and set his phone down.

You let out a surprised laugh, Pete had definitely been too influenced by the Berzattos during his time with Natalie. The little stunt he just pulled was something you knew both Richie and Mikey would do if given the chance.

“Baby?” Your head raised eyes meeting Pete’s, “I know this may sound selfish, but I…I need you to figure out this thing between you and Carmen.” Your eyebrows furrowed the need to defend yourself hitting you full force, you opened your mouth to respond but stopped as Pete raised his hand, a signal to let him continue.

“I know Baby, I know. I’ll be honest with you, as much as I love Nat’s family I think you should’ve given up on Carmen a long time ago.” Your jaw fell slack, and Pete’s eyes widened a bit. “No, no just for your own wellbeing, your peace of mind.” You began nodding as Pete explained himself better. “I just, whatever is going on between you and Carmen, it’s affecting Nat. And she won’t tell you because you deserve to feel how you feel, but with the baby and the restaurant…she doesn’t need to play "Fix it Felix” with you and Carmen right now.”

You let out a small chuckle at Pete’s explanation, over the years he had begun expressing himself to you more. You being the only one on Natalie’s side who actually gave him the time of day and willfully listened to him, helped him to gain more confidence when around the rest of the Berzattos. You reached for your glass of water, taking a long sip before setting it down.

“Thank you, Pete, for being honest,” you sighed, finger playing with the condensation on your cup. “If I’m being honest, it's easy to forget that Nat’s in the middle of everything. She’s so good at pretending it doesn’t affect her.” A rueful smile rose to your lips, as great as a friend as Natalie had been to you through everything, you weren’t sure the same could be said for yourself. “You’re right, Carmen and I are adults, we should be able to figure this out ourselves. I’ll…I’ll call him, figure things out.” You sent Pete a small smile.

Recently it felt like Natalie and Pete nursed you back to health and then for some reason became your surrogate parents. You didn’t think there was anything wrong with leaning on them, the three of you did endure a traumatic experience together so it was understandable. But maybe you had become too comfortable and relied on them too much to ‘fix’ your life. You could understand where Pete was coming from and he had every right to put his wife’s well-being before the feelings of his friends.

You knew Natalie and Pete would be amazing parents and of course, Nat’s fears were valid. But you had seen firsthand just how loving, caring, and kind the couple was, and while that wasn’t all that went into raising a child it was like a part of you just knew that their child would be in great hands.

“Enough about my poor life choices Pete, have you guys thought of any names?” The timing of the question couldn’t have been more perfect, Pete perked up at the question, eyes glazing over with excitement. A waiter stopped by your table to deliver your entrees as Pete began animatedly explaining his and Nat’s process for picking names.

A part of you ached at how happy Pete was, if things were different, maybe in another life you would’ve been able to see that excitement on another man’s face. Maybe the two of you would’ve come up with your own system for picking out names.

You listened as lunch continued, no matter how many times the thought had crossed your mind, you would always be grateful that Natalie had found a partner to love her in the ways she deserved.

 It was silent between you and Cortez as you made your second lap around the block, the church in the distance behind you. Your hands were preoccupied with a warm disposable cup of hot cocoa as Cortez gingerly sipped his choice of tea. This had become the routine for your meetings with your sponsor, the two of you would meet at the bodega a little ways away from the church that housed both AA and NA meetings. Then continue your meeting with a few circles around the block before ending at the church stairs when all was said and done.

The air was tense between the two of you, Cortez hadn’t taken kindly to your decision to skip out on the few check-ins that you had asked for. In the beginning, you were in constant contact with Cortez, feeling the match between the two of you out. As you progressed through recovery and got back into the routine of daily life the daily talks between the two of you began to dwindle as you settled into life as a recovering addict.

But after that initial meeting at The Beef, being in Carmen’s presence again, surrounding yourself with Richie and the life you once knew, the meetings with Cortez picked back up in frequency. And you were doing fine for some time, the man meeting with you when you needed it, always willing to speak with you whenever you asked and it was helpful, god was it helpful. But then you made it to step nine, step eight in the recovery program was its own monster that Cortez helped you through especially when it came to who didn’t need to be on your list.

You made the decision to text Cortez after admitting your faults to Richie. As great as it felt to finally be open with Richie and let him into your life, it also brought with it the urge to use again. Richie had been kind enough to take the bottle of champagne off your hands that night, but the desire to call Fak and ask if Theo had anything he could spare almost won out. But as you scrolled through your contacts the red icon hovering over the voicemail tab brought you back to your senses.

“So your friend Richie knows?” Your eyes shot to Cortez taking in his side profile before focusing back on their attention focused on the steaming paper cup of coffee gripped in their hands.

“Yeah, his daughter kind of spilled the beans.” You nodded playing with the frayed edges of your jeans.

“That’s a bit fucked up don’t cha think?” Cortez’s brows furrowed. “I mean how does his little girl know but he don’t that’s gotta hurt.”

You rolled your eyes, “Aren’t you supposed to like not be judgmental?” Cortez’s laugh felt like it was grating on your ears, as good a sponsor as he was, he had the personality of an annoying older brother you were happy not to have.

“It ain’t even judgment though, it’s an observation.” You didn’t have to be looking at him to know that annoying smirk was on his lips as he shrugged his shoulders.

You stopped as Cortez dropped his now empty cup in a trash bin on the street, “Didn’t know you received your inspector gadget certification.”

“That smart ass mouth is bouta be the reason you out here looking for a new sponsor,” you let out a cackle before taking a much-needed sip of your hot cocoa. “Sound like my daughter with that dumb shit.” If you didn’t know the man who was walking by your side, you would’ve thought he was actually upset, but you could tell by the uptick of his lips he didn’t take anything to heart.

The two of you rounded the corner coming up on the church. You watched as Cortez plopped his long limbs down on one of the steps, opting to sit on the railing. Cortez took out his pack of cigarettes bringing the box to his mouth and removing one before offering the box in your direction. You slipped one out a small laugh escaped you at the irony of everything, how you had once been so against the cancer sticks that those around you would make sure not to smoke around you. And then instead of indulging in a nicotine addiction, you turned to alcohol and prescription pills, the fact that you would smoke a cigarette here and there to appease your urges now felt a bit comical.

You leaned forward allowing Cortez to light your cigarette, “Man ain’t nothin’ like smoking on Big G’s doorstep.” Cortez’s voice filled the silence that had settled over the two of you, you took a drag of the cigarette, a small chuckle escaping you with the smoke.

“I used to hate these fucking things.” The disgust on your face was obvious even as the stick hung from your mouth.

“Why you take one every time I offer 'em’ then?” Cortez switched positions leaning his elbows on the step behind him as he stretched his long limbs out in front of them, offering a wave to the few people entering the church for whatever meeting was scheduled to take place.

You shrugged eyes falling to Cortez’s beat-up boots as you sucked the nicotine deep into your lungs, “They’re the same brand Mikey smoked.”

“Damn ma, that shits kinda sad.” The two of you locked eyes before small laughs left the both of you. You had been around Cortez for so long that you’d picked up on his need to turn most anything into a joke. And while in the beginning, it pissed you off, you realized that’s just who he was and that sometimes being able to laugh in serious moments or at your trauma was helpful.

“Nah seriously though better smokin’ these than messin’ with that shit that hooked you in the first place. Know what I mean?” You nodded, finishing off the cigarette in your hand before taking the second cigarette Cortez offered. You knew how these things went and had spent so much time with the man that you learned to read him. Cortez only ever smoked two cigarettes and offered you two if the conversation was gonna be a rough one.

“Where you at with them apologies?” You sighed letting the man light your cigarette one more time, allowing the fumes to warm your lungs.

You dropped from your seat on the railing, your backside had gone numb. You settled yourself to lean against the railing “I mean I told Richie the truth and there were a lot of apologies in that conversation. But I feel like he deserves a better apology.” You shrugged, your attention dropping to Cortez as he listened.

“Ima be honest wit chu, this might be the hardest part of recovery. Shit I know it was f’me admittin’ to my little girl her father was a fuckin’ junkie. But at the end of the day, you gotta remember this recovery shit is for you. If homeboy loves you like a sister like you say he does, all that should matter to him is that yo annoyin’ ass still here. A’ight, ma?” You listened, nodding along to his words. “All you can do is apologize for the shit you did, you can’t control whether people forgive you or not, and remember ain’t nobody gotta fuck with your apology if they don’t want to.”

You let Cortez’s words settle into you, to anyone else his words may not have seemed genuine but this is just who Cortez was. And you knew no matter how nonchalant he sounded he was speaking every word from his heart.

“You still fuckin with that lil dumbass boy?” The question caused you to choke on the last bit of cocoa in your cup.

“We had a falling out, he’s one of the people I have to apologize to though.” The cigarette between your fingers continued to burn. “There’s a lot I still haven’t told him…the substance abuse, the reasons behind my overdose.” An exhausted sigh pushed its way through your lips. It was like one thing after another when it came to you and Carmy.

“Listen I know we ain’t sposed to have like personal relationships and shit, but lemme know what homeboy looks like I’ll get my goons on em’ for you.” Your head fell back in laughter as Cortez raised his fist to under both of his eyes.

“No goons Cortez, please. Wait, have you ever actually put a hit on somebody before?” You obviously didn’t know Cortez as well as you would have if the two of you were friends. But it wasn’t hard to tell that he would get down if need be.

“Why someone say somethin’?” The two of you shared a laugh, the now more frequent people entering the church signifying that your time together was coming to an end.

“Aight, I gotta head in, get shit set up in there. But ima send you the info for Nar-Anon you give that shit to people who still choose to put up with yo ass. You comin' in?”

You shook your head sending him a small smile, “I came to the morning meetings today.”

You nodded in thanks as Cortez stood up, pushing yourself off the railing. You placed the cigarette between your lips leaving your hands open to do the handshake Cortez insisted you did after each meeting. When he first introduced it you were still getting used to the idea of being a recovering addict and thought he was fucking crazy. But you realized he used it as a way to break the serious desolate feeling that some of these meetings ended on, to help bring some light to what was such a dark reality.

At least that’s how he explained it to you, but you were sure he just liked doing the handshake his daughter helped him come up with.

“Ima see you when I see you ma stay straight.” You chuckled before turning on your heel to head to your parked car. Putting the bud of the cigarette out against the trash bin you passed. It was still early, enough time for you to knock out some baby shower shopping before it got too late.

Carmen stopped in his tracks, eyes finding your figure across the street. You were in front of the church that held the Al-Anon meetings he told you about. Maybe you would be attending the one he was here for, his eyes traveled to the man sitting on the steps you were talking to eyebrows furrowing as he realized the vapors leaving your mouth weren’t from your warm temperature, but instead the stick you had raised to your mouth.

“Baby?” The question left his lips in a quiet whisper, he knew it was you standing across the street but it had been a few weeks since your last interaction he was sure he had imagined you. But he would know you anywhere, by scent alone. He couldn’t help the shock at watching you smoke, something you had been so opposed to since the two of you were children. Even going so far as telling Carmy you couldn’t be friends when he smoked his first cigarette at 15, the stalemate barely lasted a day after you realized how dumb the idea was.

Carmy watched as the two of you stood up, his hopes to see you inside dwindling as he watched the two of you begin to part ways, an intricate handshake taking place before you turned to leave. He watched as your figure disappeared around the corner, a quiet ‘shit’ leaving his lips before he darted across the street trying to catch you before you were gone for good.

“Baby! Hey!” His shouts were useless, you were too far gone to have even heard him. “Fuck!” One hand raised to sit on the bill of his cap, the universe seemed like it was doing everything in its power to keep the two of you apart. Or maybe it was just the way things were meant to be.

Carmy turned to see the man you were with still standing in the same spot you left him, eyes narrowed as he took in Carmy’s figure. The man eyed Carmy for a moment longer, sending a head nod his way before turning and entering the church. Carmy was tempted to follow the man and ask about you, but whatever your relationship with the unknown man was, it was none of Carmy’s business.

He sighed eyes shooting up to the sky before taking a deep breath and making his way inside, not wanting to be late and disturb the Al-Anon meeting before it began. Carmy made his way to the room where the meeting usually took place, eyes landing on the same man from outside once more as he greeted members, the sign near the door he stood by signifying it was an NA meeting. Carmy stopped for a moment, eyes darting between the man and the sign he’d just read.

“You lost kid?” Carmy looked at the man brown furrowed as he shook his head, he sent a tight smile the man's way before walking two doors down for his own meeting. Carmen’s brain felt like it was racing a mile a minute. If you weren’t coming to the Al-Anon meeting, why were you here? And why were you talking with someone who appeared to be leading NA meetings?

The vibrating of his phone caught his attention, the device easily slipped out of his pocket. He felt the air leave his lungs as your name flashed across his screen, he realized just how indecent setting that Polaroid picture of you with his chain on might have been now that he was in public, but it’s not like he ever thought you’d call him.

How’d you even get his number?

“Carmen, hey, we’re about to start your coming?” His head shot up to one of the usual who attended these meetings and would talk to him on occasion.

“Yeah uh, just give me a minute.” Carmy gave a tight smile, eyes flashing back to his phone finger moving to swipe across the screen, the call abruptly ending before he even got the chance to hear your voice. Carmen was sure he had the worst luck in the world, a defeated sigh leaving him, he was almost positive there was no chance you were calling him back.

Quickly putting his phone on Do Not Disturb and in the safety of his jacket pocket, he entered the meeting, as much as he wanted to drop everything and fix things with you. He wasn’t even sure what you had called him for. Carmen also knew it was for the best to attend the meeting,

Carmen was sitting in his car allowing it to warm up as he waited. The skyline began to reflect the sunset, the time on the dashboard letting him know it was around dinner time. He fished his phone out of his pocket mindlessly checking the notifications he’d gotten while in the meeting.

Carmy’s brows furrowed at the flurry of messages he received from a group chat he wasn’t aware he was a part of. He frowned as he opened it, your contact is one of the many in the text chain. The only contact with a photo was yours, making you easily distinguishable, he realized the rest of the people in the chat were the restaurant crew. He scrolled through the messages eyes reading over your message with details about a baby shower, your address included.

Carmy exited out of his messages, unsure of how things were between the two of you. It had been three weeks since the argument and neither of you had tried contacting the other. But here he was with a message from you, and a missed call and he wasn’t sure how to take any of it.

He decided it was a good idea to call you back, and try and feel out the atmosphere between the two of you. His heart felt like it was stuttering in his chest as his finger hovered over his screen; you left him a voicemail. He needed to know what the message said, but a part of him was also worried he might not like what he heard, he had hurt you too many times to count, and if whatever you had to say to him broke him down more than he already was, well then he was sure he deserved it.

Carmen took one last deep breath before clicking on the voicemail and raising the phone to his ear, heart pounding in his chest as he heard the sweet whisper of your voice.

‘Hey Carmen, uh it’s me…Baby. Not sure why I introduced myself. I'm sure you know it’s me.” Carmy let out a watery chuckle at the sound of your voice, even if he hadn't saved your number the delicate timber of your voice would’ve been enough for him.

“Listen uh, I got your number for Pete. I hope you don’t mind, I know you have issues with girls actually having your number…Sorry, that was actually kind of rude. Anyway, I uh…Pete helped put things in perspective for me and I, I think we need to talk Carmen. I’m not sure when or if you even want that, but I think we both deserve a chance to explain our side of things. I um…I also have some things I think you should know. Just, if this is something you’re interested in, you have my number.” Carmen felt his heart rate slow down your words, nothing more than a piece offering.

“I just want to be clear though, um..if I don’t hear back from you, I’m going to take that as a sign. So yeah, call me back or something I guess.” The line finally went silent, your voice no longer caressing Carmy’s ears.

It felt like he was having heart palpitations but he knew it was just his nerves getting the best of him. He pulled the phone away from his ear, the time on his phone reading 5:30 p.m. Carmy quickly opened the group chat scrolling through to find your address and open it up in maps. You lived about 30 minutes from where he was, he was confident he could get there in 20 and spare the 10 minutes at a store near you.

Carmen made his decision as he set his phone down in the cup holder before beginning his journey. The ball was in his court, you had given him an olive branch and it was up to him whether he accepted it or not. He was nervous, maybe showing up at your house to cook you dinner wasn’t his most thought-out plan but he needed you desperately, needed to see you, be in your presence, and know that there was still a chance of something more between the two of you.

The hope Carmy felt when he saw you calling him earlier was now back tenfold: the pendant delicately resting against his chest felt warm. Carmen was adamant that he would admit his love for you tonight, unsure if he could go another day living with the fact that you were in love with him, but you still didn’t know just how much he had always loved you. You were so blissfully unaware that since he could remember, you had been the one and only option in his mind.

a/n: wowza, long time no see. i apologize that this is a bit of a filler chapter but it felt kinda necessary idk. anway please let me know if there are any problems with this chapter it's barely edited. enjoy : )

also also: both richard cabral as coco in mayans and manny montana as rio in good girls inspired cortez the sponsor, but head canon him as whoever you want…okay bye now 🤍

[vickikowalewski]

Day 9 - May 31, 2023: Lake Como

It was pouring rain so I started my day very slowly. I considering trying to wake up early to get the hydroferry to Verenna to see a few sites I didn’t get to but I did not feel like standing out in the pouring, cold rain. I went back to sleep until 9am. I was the only female in a room full of 5 males the night prior so I was thrilled to have a female in the room with me. The bathroom was absolutely disgusting with 5 guys. More females came later in the day as well because the group of guys left for Switzerland.

I spent today walking around Como, which has plenty to see in of itself. It was chilling in the morning so I started with the Churches, then moved onward to Villa Olmo. Everything was free to my surprise! I also stopped at Museum Volta with no idea what it was about. It was a very small building and 5 euro to get inside, but had no one it inside. I found out it was because the museum had not been translated into English yet. The man running the ticket booth ended up giving me a mini translation and it was extremely interesting. It was about the man who I invented the first volt battery and ran experiments with it. The museum included some artifacts of his first experiments with science.

I stopped back at my hostel briefly and ran into someone who told me laundry was available upstairs on the third floor. I was in desperate need to do laundry and planned on doing it the next day. The machine was open so I seized the moment and took a tourism break to do my laundry. I went to the store and bought some lunch and enjoyed it with a beer.

I decided to end my day with taking the funicular to the top of the mountain overlooking Como. There is a panoramic lighthouse that was a fairly steep uphill walk to get to. Overall, it was worth it and quite nice. Getting up the mountain was quick but getting back down the mountain took a little while. There was a 45 minute line.

I hadn’t had pizza since I had been in Italy so I enjoyed a pizza for dinner at a restaurant recommended by my hostel. It was really delicious but it made me extremely full. When I got back to my hostel, I saw the La Liga final was starting at 9pm so I took a shower quickly and hurried to find a spot to watch the game.

I ended up chatting with an American for a while who I found to be quite.. meh. I could not believe this guy. He flunked out of college and he still managed to get a job in IT with no degree. No one has ever checked that he actually has a college education. He did mention he was taking one class at a time though and working towards actually earning a degree in case anyone eventually checks. He was supposed to be working but was drinking heavily and ignoring work calls. He told me it was his busy season and he got an Airbnb to work hard for the next 3 days, but seemed unconvinced if he could actually work hard for 3 days straight. Seemed like a really irresponsible guy. I wonder how long he’s employed with his employer or if he has to hop job-to-job on a yearly or bi-yearly basis. He also was asking about everything regarding the game and then was stating that one Italian player looked like a USA player, which was not true and annoyed the Italians watching the game. He was just a bit obnoxious. I really wanted to tell him to stop talking and embarrassing himself. Sevilla won the game on penalty kicks to the Italians dismay. It was a mum atmosphere going to bed.

[brazenautomaton]

the more I think about this fucking “oopsie-whoopsie we made a fucky wucky, COVID was an aerosol this whole time and not droplets!” deal the angrier I get

this should be bigger news

this should be utterly catastrophic

you remember all those anti-lockdown protestors you sneered at and poured contempt on? the ones that I wasn’t sneering at but still thought were tragically misled?

they were fucking right

almost all of our draconian lockdown measures were meaningless and didn’t help. Six foot rule did nothing. Disinfecting surfaces did nothing. Masks did nothing because we were told to wear them in a way that didn’t work. 

The experts, marching in ideological lockstep, as proclaimed by the smuggest priesthood in history, fucked up catastrophically. You know what? If the experts are saying things that bluechecks feel good about? NEVER TRUST THEM EVER AGAIN. They fucked up almost as hard as it’s possible to fuck up and they did it because they weren’t checking if their model matched or was reflected by reality.

Do you people remember a year and change ago, when you were self-righteously angry about how people think that their selfish desire to go to the beach is going to kill people? Do you remember that? Do you remember how they were all supposedly “fascists”? Do you remember how any objection was shrieked down by people saying that this was to save lives and I can’t believe how heartless and sadistic you would be to want to let people DIE?

Do you remember how many times people talked about how masks don’t work and they were shrieked down as being insane fascist conspiracy theorists? When it turns out masks, as we were told to wear them, do not work?

Do you remember all the shaming and anger that went on when restaurants started to re-open their outdoor seating and that was going to kill people and it was proof of how evil capitalism was?

Do you remember this time last year, when anyone who wanted to spend the 4th of July with their family was a heartless murderous psychopath? When we could have said “Of course you can meet your friends and family, as long as you do it outside!”

Do you remember that up until the moment the George Floyd protests started, people who went outside for ANY REASON were heartless murderous psychopaths who should be shamed? Remember when they literally sent helicopters into the forest to track down and arrest people for hiking because it was breaking quarantine? Remember when they forbid churches from gathering religious services at all and you all fucking sneered at the stupid religious conservatives pretending they were persecuted? When oh no, turns out, we should have just said you have to hold church services outside, but oopsie-poopsie we chose the things that had us exerting power for the sake of exerting power and hurting people because they were too weak to make us stop!

And then the expert class proclaimed that protesting was okay, but only for BLM protests, and other protests would spread the virus? And they literally actually said that without exaggeration? And a whole fucking bunch of credentialed experts said that protesting was okay because racism is even worse than the virus and they literally actually said that without exaggeration? And then we were just supposed to forget it happened?

The saddest thing I ever heard in my life, I heard when I was in line to vote. It wasn’t political at all -- it was some old lady working at the polling station, happy to see another old lady. She said “Oh, I miss hugs, you know? I miss seeing people smile.” 

We have been under draconian lockdown rules that did not help and did not accomplish anything  People have killed themselves because of them. People were driven to so much despair and loneliness that they could no longer tolerate having to be alive. How many suicides is it worth, you motherfuckers? How mad were you over the prospect that not having draconian, depressing rules might kill someone, and how mad are you now that you know your shit made people kill themselves and all of it was for nothing?

The Anointed just sneered their way through everything and we all fell in line. Actual, literal tyranny happened in the name of the Greater Good, and it didn’t accomplish anything, and nobody is sorry, nobody is going to change, nobody is going to even acknowledge that it happened. They will sneer just as smugly now that all of their beliefs have changed AGAIN. 

I’m done. I’m fucking done. Experts can suck my balls, I don’t trust "expert consensus” any more. The final bridge is burned. The expert class cannot be trusted, and never ever ever ever ever should be again. Expertise has been officially devoured, and it will never come back, and the heat death of human civilization is even closer.

All is lost. See this? See the concept of dispassionate experts who can be trusted to convey matters of fact? It’s not imperiled, it is dead. You watched it be swallowed by shadow, hollowed out, filled with the writhing black mass of Popularity. You saw the concept of a common factual basis for beliefs die, right in front of your eyes, and you probably didn’t notice or care.

All is lost and Death is our only escape. Expertise is gone, expertise is devoured by popularity, and it will never, ever, ever, ever, ever come back. Ever. NO matter how you wish or how you try you will never, ever, ever again live in a world where you can trust facts conveyed to you by a third party. Entropy is irreversible and all consuming and all is lost and the heat death of human civilization is coming SOON.

[arvinsescape]

Never too late.

A/N: I hope you enjoy!! I have not proofread this so i apologise in advance!! 💕💕

Summary: Tom messed up a long time ago but can he fix it?

Warnings: Swearing.

W/C: 4.2K.

When Isabelle had asked you to be her maid of honour you took the role immediately, wanting to be there for your best friend. It wasn’t until a few days later that you realised who you may have to interact with throughout the planning and on the day. You were currently getting coffee with Isabelle when the question slipped from your mouth, you hadn’t meant to spoil the atmosphere as you discussed flower arrangements.

“So, um, who did Haz pick as best man?” The question came out before you could stop it. Isabelle carefully placed her coffee down and looked at you with a sad smile.

“I was gonna tell you Y/N/N, I’m sorry.” She said, confirming that it was indeed the man you’d hoped it wasn’t.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.” You apologised, guilt settling in your stomach as she reached over and took your hand in hers.

“No, I should have said. I just, well I don’t know, it’s been what? Three years? I thought you’d have gotten over it, no offence.”

“We never had closure, we just argued and that was it. We haven’t spoken since.” You shrugged and Isabelle smiled sadly again.

“Did you want it? Closure?”

“Not at first but then every time I saw him afterwards just brought it all back up, brought up how much I loved him and how much it hurt when we ended things.” You said as you bit your lip, sadness now settling in your chest. It wasn’t often you spoke about Tom, you couldn’t, every time it would make you cry and you could never explain why.

“Y/N?” Isabelle asked quietly and you looked at her, telling her to continue. “Are you? Do you still have feelings for him?” She asked and you shrugged before finishing your now luke warm beverage.

“I don’t think so, like you say it’s been three years. I’ve always put it down to not getting closure.”

“Maybe talk to him? This would be a good opportunity, you’re going to have to see each other a lot.” She suggested and you shook your head.

“No, after the way we left things, I’m not sure that’d be a good idea. I’m not doing anything to ruin your big day, I’ll be civil, I promise.”

**

You were meeting Haz and Isabelle for a meal to discuss how they wanted the day to go, making your way into the restaurant. You knew he’d be there and you were already prepared for your mind to throw you back to that night but of course all the preparation meant nothing when your eyes fell on him. Your heart twisting as you swallowed thickly and made your way to the table, doing your best to stay composed and civil.

You’d seen Tom several times after the break up, you ran in the same circles, same friends and your respective best friends were getting married. You’d seen him but always managed to avoid him, this time you couldn’t. You exchanged pleasantries and sat down, zoning out as your mind wandered back to that night.

“You’re such a fucking dick Tom.” You huffed as you shut the door to your flat. Tom making his way into the living room.

“I’m here aren’t I?” He fired back, irritated, you’d already argued over text.

“After having to be reminded yeah.” You said and he rounded on you, eyes holding anger towards you.

“I forgot okay? I’m a human being. It’s perfectly human to forget things.” He snapped back. You wish he hadn’t come over now, wish you hadn’t have reminded him of your movie night you’d planned.

“This is the third date you’ve forgotten.” You pointed out and he huffed as he rolled his eyes.

“I’m busy, you know that.”

“So am I and I still turn up to things we’ve planned. Believe it or not Tom, I actually remember I’m in a relationship.” You said as you stormed past him and into your living room.

“Can you just drop it? I’m tired and I’ve had a long day, I’m here now.” He said following after you.

“Sure. I’ll drop it, I’ll just bring it up next time yeah?” You shouted and his nostrils flared as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Stop being so difficult.”

“Difficult? Me? You’re the one who’s seemingly unavailable all the fucking time.”

“That’s not true. I make time for you.” Tom snapped out as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Bullshit. You used to, I’ll give you that but recently? It’s like you’d rather be anywhere else but here.” It was true that in the last month you’d hardly seen him.

“Maybe I do want to be elsewhere.” He shouted and your stomach dropped a little, it was different hearing it confirmed.

“What?” You asked a slight sadness to your voice but he was too angry to notice.

“You heard. You’re so needy and fucking irritating at the minute. It doesn’t matter what I do, you start a fight anyway.” He ranted and your heart stopped. Needy? Irritating?

“Well you’re hardly Mr fucking perfect.”

“You’re right I’m not. I’m fucking human. I know you want me to be this man who does nothing but put you first all the goddam time but that’s not always how situations work Y/N. I have a life outside of this relationship.”

“Yeah I get that, I do. But fuck Tom, I ask for one night of your time and you forget. Or is that even true? Is that you forgot or you just can’t be bothered?”

“You’re ridiculous. You know what? I don’t know if I can do this anymore?” What?

“What?”

“This, us. All we do is fight, I can’t do a single fucking thing that makes you happy. God damn Y/N, last week you got angry with me because I arrived a few hours later than I was supposed to. I would’ve understood had it not been for the fact that I got held up, my flight got delayed.”

“All you had to do was text, that’s all I wanted.” You said, sadness settling in your chest whereas Tom just seemed angry at the situation.

“I did! That’s why I was so fucking pissed off, it’s not my fault you never received it. What else could I have done?”

“Maybe you’re right.” You said.

“What?” Tom snapped out and you let your eyes brim with tears.

“Get out Tom.” You said.

“So I come over to get kicked straight back out, well fan fucking tastic.” He snapped with another roll of his eyes.

“No, I mean get out and don’t come back.” You said and Tom’s face fell.

“Wait, Y/N/N, are you,”

“Yeah,” you interrupted. “This isn’t working anymore, you’re right. Now can you please just leave?” You snapped as you looked at him, he looked at you hesitantly as if he was about to say something but he never did. He composed himself as huffed as he left with a slam of your flat door.

You’d always wondered what he was going to say, you knew he was going to. Maybe that’s why you found it so hard when you saw him, that wonder about what he would have said, would it have changed anything? Was he going to say something nasty, something to try and fix it? You never contacted one another afterwards, returning each other’s belongings through Isabelle and Harrison.

“Y/N/N?” Harrison asked as he waved his hand in front of your face, pulling you from your thoughts as you looked at him. “You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. Long day.” You said, you could feel Tom’s eyes on you but couldn’t bring yourself to look at him.

“So, wedding guests.” Haz continued as he clapped his hands together. “You guys are gonna spend most of the day together.” He said as he gestured between you and Tom.

“If that’s okay?” Isabelle added as she looked at you with concern.

“Of course, it’s your wedding day.” You smiled as you tried to ignore the pounding in your head at the thought of having to spend an entire day interacting with the man across from you.

“Brilliant.” Harrison said, he knew you and Tom had ended on bad terms but probably assumed you’d both gotten over it. You wondered deep down if you had.

The dinner flew by and you couldn’t have rushed off to your house soon enough. Wanting to leave behind the awkward tension between you and Tom, maybe this was going to be harder than you first thought.

**

It was the day of the wedding and excitement was bubbling around the church. You were all made up in your bridesmaid dress, hair pulled up into an intricate style as you watched Isabelle pull on her wedding dress.

“You look beautiful.” You gasped as you handed her the bouquet of flowers. “If Haz doesn’t cry I think I might snatch you up for myself.” You joked and Isabelle smiled shyly. Her hair was pulled up into a bun, pins with diamonds twinkling under the lights, beautiful white wedding dress that fell elegantly around the floor.

“I’m nervous.” She admitted as she squeezed your hand.

“Don’t be. Harrison loves you, you’re gonna be so happy.” You said as you squeezed her hands back. A knock pulling you from your moment. It wasn’t long before Isabelle’s dad made an appearance, stopping as he saw his daughter.

“You look, oh my goodness, you look beautiful.” He said in awe as he embraced her, wiping at his eyes that were now full of tears.

“Thank you dad.”

“That boy has no idea how lucky he is.”

You followed her to the alter, her hand firmly grasping her father’s forearm as they linked arms. You were behind her as you made your way up the aisle, you couldn’t stop your eyes drifting to Tom and you watched as his widened, he was already looking at you. Harrison and Isabelle had made the decision to have the dress rehearsal but keep everyone’s attire a secret for the day, Tom hadn’t seen you in your bridesmaid dress.

The ceremony was beautiful, Harrison cried, well almost everyone cried as they watched the loving couple say their ‘I do’s’ and share their first kiss as a married couple. They made their way down the alter and you let out a shaky breath as Tom approached you, offering his arm out for you to take. You looped your arm through his as you plastered possibly the fakest smile you’d ever given.

“You look beautiful.” You heard Tom’s voice and you looked at him as you continued to follow Harrison and Isabelle. All bridesmaids now having been paired up with another of the groomsmen. Of course you and Tom had to pair up being in the positions you were.

“Thank you.” You said as you bit your lip and he gave you a small smile. You’d always been able to read Tom, always had a connection with him that was unexplainable. He seemed almost sad. He wasn’t giving off his usual vibe, not that anyone else would notice, he really is a good actor, just not good enough to fool you.

The lunch had gone really well, no hiccups, everything ran smoothly. The décor looked amazing, blue and white flowers decorating the table in beautiful glass vases in the middle of each table. You were sat next to Tom, making conversation with Tuwaine who was placed at your other side. The room falling into silence as the speeches started. Harrison’s was beautiful, Isabelle’s father’s just as much and now it was Tom’s turn. You wiped at your eye, the speeches having been so beautiful they’d brought tears to your eyes.

“I’m very happy to be here today and share this happy couples day with all of you. I am beyond grateful that you asked me to be such a huge part of it Harrison, being your best man has been and always will be an honour.” Tom started and Harrison smiled up at him.

“You just have to promise I’ll be your best man.” Harrison teased and Tom breathed out a laugh.

“Done. Your wife looks incredible I want to add, such a beautiful couple. I’ve known Harrison since we were kids and I let me tell you, I have an incredible amount of embarrassing stories involving this young man. Like the time he got so excited when we went bowling that he fell onto the alley, got a strike but of course it didn’t count. Or the time he got so angry playing golf that he threw a club at the floor and almost knocked himself out when it bounced back up.” Tom said which pulled a laugh from the room.

It did a strange thing to you, you were there that day he almost hit himself on the golf course, god knows how he’d done it. The memory of you and Tom laughing as Tom had his arms locked around your waist, you shook your head from the thoughts.

“I could go on but I’ll save his dignity.” Tom teased as Harrison flipped him off, Tom read the paper in his hands before stuffing it back into his pocket, you assumed he’d almost finished.

“I’ve always been jealous of Harrison in a way. He found something good and he kept hold of it, he fought for it and made sure he kept it. These guys have been through some tough times, they truly have and they’ve both seen the other side of it. Harrison has always been better than me when it comes to admitting fault, taking responsibility for his actions, something I’ve never been good at. Watching these two and how in love they are with each other has made me really think about myself as a person and all the stupid things I’ve done in life, the things I’ve lost through my own stubbornness. You really have taught me a lot about love and soulmates, I’m just glad you didn’t make the same mistake I did.” Tom said and you found yourself staring at him, as if he was the only person in the room.

Your eyes met Isabelle’s and she looked just as blown away as you did, Harrison looking up at his best friend with a knowing look. Tuwaine leant over and placed a handkerchief in your hand.

“Here, you’re gonna smudge your makeup.” He said and it only just occurred to you that you were crying, more than you had at any of the other speeches. Was he talking about you? You doubted it, he’s had plenty of girlfriends in the three years since you’d split. You only half listened as Tom finished his speech as he sat back down next to you, the room applauding him as they fell into their own conversations.

“That was,” you said as you cleared your throat. “That was really beautiful Tom.”

“Thank you.”

**

The wedding party continued on, it was now the evening do, the night drawing closer to the first dance, the last interaction you had to have with Tom and you felt nervous. The tension between the two of you thick after his speech, you weren’t sure if he felt it too and you had got it al wrong. Maybe you just wished he was talking about you, he clearly was referring to someone.

Tom took your hand in his as you joined the married couple in the first dance. Couples slowly joining as Tom placed his hands on your waist and you placed yours on his shoulders. To say you weren’t an actor you were doing well at hiding your feelings.

“You really do look beautiful.” Tom said, eyes finding yours.

“Thank you. You’re speech really was beautiful.” You always were one to give credit where it was due. He shrugged.

“Thanks, I read it online somewhere, I’m no good at writing that soppy shit.” He laughed and you breathed out a laugh. Oh.

It wasn’t long before you finished, Tom leaving you instantly and you missed being in his arms instantly. He disappeared most of the night, you only catching glimpses of him every so often.

“Y/N, you look beautiful.” Sam said as he joined you on the dancefloor.

“Thanks Sam.” You’d not seen him in a long time.

“How’d you like Tom’s speech?” He asked and you furrowed your brows, why was he asking you that?

“It was beautiful.” You admitted and Sam smiled.

“Yeah, I helped him write that.” He admitted. What?

“He said he got help online.” You said utterly confused.

“That’s bullshit.” Sam laughed. “I helped him write that whole thing. That part about being jealous of Harrison? Not what I helped him write, that was completely off script.” Sam said and you stopped your dancing as you looked at him.

“What?”

“Oh come on, that was completely pulled from his heart. You know Tom, that was completely unscripted.”

“Yeah, but he’s had a lot of girlfriends, why would I care?” You said and Sam burst into a fit of laughter at that.

“I thought you knew?” Sam said and you looked at him seriously.

“Knew what?”

“About Tom? About what happened on the stag do?” He said matching your seriousness.

“No?” You fished and Sam huffed.

“He was hammered okay. But he got all emotional and said some stuff about you.” Sam admitted and your furrow deepened.

“What did he say?”

“He regrets the way things ended. Regrets letting you go, said he wished he’d have stayed, told you how much you meant to him. Fought for you. Y/N, he was thinking about asking you to marry him.” Sam continued and your eyes blew wide at that.

“We were twenty-two Sam.” You said and he shrugged.

“We said that but he said it was irrelevant, he knew he’d found his person in you. He said he doesn’t think he’ll ever love anyone like he loved you, he’s tried.” Sam informed you. “I honestly thought someone had told you.” He said as he took in your shocked state.

“No.” You squeaked out.

“Y/N, he’s my brother and trust me, he’s an idiot at the best of times. But I know he loves you, it shocked all of us when he turned into an emotional mess over a relationship that ended three years ago. I think seeing you and the whole wedding put a lot into perspective for him.”

“But why now?” You asked and Sam looked at you seriously.

“Y/N, I think he realises this could have been your wedding. You were both young and stubborn and I stand by that fact but if things had turned out differently. If he’d stayed that night this could have been you and I think he’s realised that.” Sam said as he brought a hand to your cheek and wiped your tears out of your eyes. “Go find him. Talk to him.” He said and you realised you had to, after that revelation you had to. You owed it to the both of you.

“Thanks Sam.”

**

Half an hour it took you to find him, half an hour of running around looking for him until you eventually found the curly haired boy. He was on the roof, sat on the edge, looking out over the grounds of the manor house Harrison had booked for the wedding night. You had a room booked along with most of the guests.

Your heart was pounding as you let the door shut and your palms felt sweaty but your heart felt lifted at Sam’s revelation.

“I’m not so sure the best man is supposed to disappear.” You said and Tom snapped his head to look at you as you approached. Holding out a hand for you to take as you very carefully placed yourself next to him. The view was breathtaking, he’d always found comfort in the countryside, a complete juxtaposition to his life in cities.

“Probably not but I don’t think Haz will notice. I am planning on going back, just needed a breather.”

“Are you okay?” You asked seriously, you noted his slightly dampened mood all day.

“I never could get past you could I?” He asked with a breathy laugh.

“Nope.” You laughed in return and he smiled at you.

“Just thinking.” He admitted and you hummed.

“I spoke to Sam.” You said after a while and Tom sighed as his ran a hand through his hair.

“Figured it’d be him that told you. How much did he tell you?” Tom asked and you looked at him, admiring how beautiful he was and he really was, always had been.

“Everything, well I assume so. Is it true?” You asked and Tom looked back at you.

“Which part?”

“About the proposal thing?”

“Yeah.” He admitted and you furrowed your brows.

“Why’d you never come back? Say something?” You asked and Tom sighed.

“Because I was a fucking stupid child that’s why. Completely fucked up my chances with you.” Tom said and you nodded slightly in agreement with him, you weren’t blameless.

“Maybe not completely.” You said and Tom’s eyes widened.

“You mean?”

“I don’t think I ever really stopped loving you. I always thought it was closure I needed and then Sam said wat he said and I realised it was everything I wanted to hear. I tried to find the same connection with other men but I just couldn’t and I wondered if it was because I wanted closure with you. It took me until today to realise that deep down it was actually just you I wanted.” You said as a tear slipped from Tom’s eye and you were quick to catch it.

“I’ve never found that connection either. God, fuck, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you.” He said your heart soared.

“Still?” You asked and he nodded. “Me too.” You admitted and he smiled.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“You do. We deserve to be happy in life Tom and you made me so happy. The happiest I’d ever been.” You said. “I was difficult because I was so scared, scared that you’d leave me, find someone else. You got this whole knew life, you were Spiderman, meeting models, all these women I couldn’t compete with.”

“You were never in competition. It doesn’t matter how many other women I met, they were never you, they could never be you. They didn’t understand me like you did. Y/N, there was and is never gonna be anyone else like you.” You were both crying now, happiness surrounding you.

“What were you gonna say? That night?” You needed to know.

“I was about to get on my knees and fucking beg you to let me stay. My stubbornness got in the way, I thought you could do better, have someone who was there for you all the time. Someone who didn’t forget dates and keep you waiting.” He admitted before he continued. “But if I ever got a do over in life that’s where I’d go, I’d get on my knees and beg you to let me stay, let me keep you.”

“Oh Tom.” You sighed out and he smiled shyly as you leant your forehead against his.

“I should have tried, should have fought for you but I was an idiot. I didn’t realise how much so until it was too late.”

“It’s never too late Tom.”

“I hope not because I want you Y/N, I want you back.”

“Kiss me.” You practically begged and he complied, his lips finding your own. His arms slipped around your waist as he pulled you flush against him. Your hands finding his hair as you threaded your fingers though it. The kiss was sweet but fiery, a kiss of two lovers reuniting as he pulled away and his lips found your neck as he kissed it, you moved your head to give him more access.

“I love you.” He said as he peppered his kisses back up to your lips.

“I love you Tom.” You returned as you deepened the kiss. Missing the way he felt, loving the way you molded against him and the amount of passion behind the kiss, something you’d not experienced in almost three years. No man had ever ignited you the way Tom did.

“Oi, oi! I fucking knew it.” You heard screamed from far below you as you both pulled apart and looked down at Harrison. He was outside smoking a cigarette and he’d obviously caught you both.

“Piss off.” Tom laughed back down as you placed your head on his chest and laughed.

“Izzy, baby, we don’t have to pull that bullshit about double booked rooms, you can let your cousin know there’s a free room.” Harrison shouted in his wife’s direction and you and Tom laughed.

“Wanna go back in princess?” Tom asked and you nodded as he stood before making sure you got up safely. “I owe you a proper dance.”

[thesmokingguns]

Not with the band

summary: hi everyone, I wrote this for @ayablackwood . I hope you like it!

A/N: this is my longest oneshot and I hope you all enjoy this! Thank you for Reading. If you want to make a request for a fix either message me or you can request HERE. Thank you!

tag list: @thenobodies-inc , @littlemisscare-all , @ayablackwood @agroupiewhore

Word Count:6102

Izzy POV

The first thing I noticed about her was the big brown eyes. Sad eyes that showed she had lived her life and seen a few things in her time. I had never noticed a girl's eyelashes before but I could see  the long black lashes sweeping down, staring at her drink before looking back up almost doing a reset. Maybe she was like me and thought that these parties took a lot out of a person. The constant talking to strangers, faking politeness or interest in a conversation with someone.

I got a reputation for being indifferent, a quiet introspective sort of person who didn't care about others. But that wasn’t who I was; I just found most people were just boring to be around. There are only so many times you can talk about your band before you realize that it’s not your band they care about. Most girls I met just wanted to sleep with me. It wasn’t even that they wanted to sleep with me but that they wanted to sleep with the guitarist from Guns n Roses. And that was fine. I had no problem sleeping with the girls who didn’t require me to put in any effort because I wasn’t going to waste my time trying to woo them.

But as I watched this stranger across the room, I couldn't help but start to think about who she was. I noticed she had a nervous tick of pushing her straight black hair behind her ear when men came up to her and when she was talking to her friends she’d place her hands on their forearms almost whispering secrets into their ears. She played with the tab of her beer can, the one she only sipped a couple times in the hour that I had been watching her. She wasn’t wearing skyrocketing heels or lace dresses. She had on a button up summer dress with a collar and short sleeves. Every once and a whole she’d stuff her hand in a pocket, letting her eyes sweep the room for someone she knew. She looked ready for a church picnic and not the rock and roll party at a beach house that would probably stretch though the entire weekend. She didn’t even seem to notice that she wasn’t all teased up 80’s glam; she was comfortable in her.

I had no idea who she was or who she came with but I couldn’t stop staring at her. She drank beer instead of the usual wine or booze that the girls at these parties consumed and instead of hanging out near a band member she was around other girls.  They all seemed to come over to her, leaning close to whisper secrets in her ear, the sly smiles they spread across their faces. How did she know so many people here and I had no idea who she was? Finally, Axl’s girlfriend laced their arms, dragging her over to the couch where Axl and I were both sitting, giving me a chance to get to know her.

“This is Y/N, she’s my best friend. Y/N this is Axl and Izzy.'' When the introduction was done she pulled her down on the couch, our legs touching from the close proximity. I watched her lick her lips, turning to lean close to me so she could talk and have me hear what she was saying. I could smell her shampoo, like lavender, and feel the warmth of her body as she gave me a conspiratory look. It was intoxicating being this close to her and having her overwhelm my senses.

“I’m everyone’s best friend because I’m usually the designated driver.” she joked, the smile breaking out over her face like she was sharing this joke with me. Holy shit, it was like staring into the sun when her smile spread across her face, warming up those sad brown eyes and showing a twinkle of joy.

Hook, line, and sinker. I never reacted to a girl like this before and now this stranger was beside me on the couch and I couldn’t even think of something to say. All I could think about was how soft her hair looked and how much I wanted to wrap my fingers around a silky lock. Or how her nails weren’t painted the fashionable red or the neon colors but this soft pink. Everything about her seemed to stick out or maybe she was just sticking out to me because I was already obsessed with her.

“I’m Izzy.” She gave me a look and I realized that introductions had already been made and I was just making a fool of myself. This is exactly what I get for spacing out in so many conversations with girls. I lost any sort of ability to communicate with someone. “Do you want to get out of here?” Following up my reintroduction of myself with a line that I had used on a bunch of one night stands that I had wanted to stop talking about. It was that instant feeling of regret seeping into me.

“No, I don’t.” She didn’t give me any other explanation, only got up from the couch, headed over to a group of people and blended into them with ease. She hadn't even given me a look when she left.

“You have been staring at  Y/N all night and I got her to come and sit down next to you and not even five minutes later you screwed it up. What did you say to her?” the girl on Axl’s lap asked me. I felt like a kid being scolded by my parents and even felt a burning in my cheeks.

“I’ll fix it, don’t worry.” I was standing up, walking across the room to where she was standing. It had been months, maybe years since I went up to a girl and not just let them come up to me. It was like she felt me coming, her head turning, eyes meeting mine and suddenly I was forgetting everything that I had prepared in my mind. Just the way she looked at me had me forgetting the apology that I had in my mind. “Just grabbing a beer.” I reached around her grabbing a beer from the bucket on the table watching her eyes follow me. Smooth. So fucking smooth.

It had been a week since the party and I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I’d go to sleep thinking of her. She’d come to me in my dreams with those brown eyes waking me up. I couldn’t stop thinking about how the side of her lips curled up and her whole face lit up when she smiled. I started to realize I was putting her on this pedestal, obsessing over Y/N, a girl I had met once in passing at a party.

So I did the only thing that I could do. I called up Axl to have his girlfriend plan a  double date so that I could see her again. With the double date she would have her friend there for support but she would also be there with me.  This would give me the opportunity to charm her and show her I was capable of conversations that were bigger than just introducing myself or getting a beer.

The girls were at the bar and my heart got caught in my throat when I saw her. She was wearing a silky green dress, clinging to the curves of her body. Cherry painted lips, full and just needing to be kissed, were in a smile as she sipped a wine glass. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the night.

Her eyes landed on mine across the room, the soft smile she was wearing blooming larger as she shook her head, leaning forward to her friend before the pair of them were both headed over to us.

“I had a feeling it would be you here tonight.” she had that glint in her eyes again, “What was your name again? I don’t think that I caught it the first time.” the way she teased me so easily put me at ease. I didn't feel the stress like I had the night of the party. She was bringing me out of the shyness, fixing the way my mouth was tongue tied.

Y/N sat next to me at dinner, tight in the booth as we talked about all the usual things people talked about but instead of hitting the highlight rail and painting a rainbow over her life she was raw. When we talked about family she told me about her grandparents who had raised her and Aunts and Uncles who stepped in where her parents failed. She knew about the band because she was actually best friends with Axl’s girlfriend so when she looked at me there was a skeptical look in her eyes as if she knew the secrets and shames of my life. But there wasn't any judgement.

Y/N asked me questions, not about the band and what it felt like to be on stage or if I’d write a song about her but different questions like what it felt like when I held a guitar for the first time and how many songs did he write that never made it past notebooks. We talked and talked, snug in the booth together seeming to forget it was a double date and we just fell into a conversation together.

Finally a waiter came over to us letting us know that the place was closing and that the two of you had to leave. Time had completely gotten away from me as I had stayed wrapped up in her. Looking across the table I saw Axl and his date gone.The check was on the table but before I could reach for it she had thrown money down, smiling up at the waiter and letting him know it was all set.

“I’m supposed to pay for that.” I said as she scooted  gently pushing me out of the booth. Her shoulders shrugged as she walked out of the restaurant, not waiting for me or seeming to care if I was behind her.

The sound of her heels on concrete, gave away which direction she was headed. Her bare shoulders were held high even in the cool night and I was rushing to be by her side, shrugging out of the denim jacket and wrapping it around her. The kind brown eyes looked up at me, skeptical for a second.

“I’m not going to sleep with you, Izzy.” her voice was clear and came out easily, “And I don’t date musicians.” She was matter of fact, shutting off the fact that we had just had a good night together and had gotten to know each other more.

I had watched the way she talked, confirming some of her nervous ticks. Like how she would look down and reset, sweeping her eyes around the room when she wasn’t comfortable. That had stopped about twenty minutes into dinner when we started to get along. There was no beer can tab to bend this way and that so instead her finger swirled around the top ledge of her wind glass in between small sips of wine.

“I never said anything about sleeping with you or dating you.” I said as we got to the corner. Her brown eyes were narrowed, regarding me with a strange curiosity like she was trying to make out what I wanted from her. “I want to kiss you though.” My hand slid through her black hair, as soft as silk, just like I had known it would be. She gasped, her mouth opening in a slight gasp not expecting me to be so close to her. Our eyes met and I watched her search me, as if there would be answers behind my eyes that I hadn’t spoken to her.

“If you kiss me I’ll never speak to you again. I don’t need boys kissing me.” her brown eyes were serious. There was an interesting spark there and it wasn’t like she was telling me that I couldn't kiss her. Y/N hadn’t moved an inch from my arms, she stayed looking up at me with my hands on her lower back. Having her in my arms felt good, not like the carnal or feral pleasure that I had with random girls. It was like we could communicate without words

“I’m not a boy, I’m a man.” The way she smirked at that statement was encouraging but there was still the fear in her eyes that I wanted to see gone. How could I get those brown eyes to only shimmer in happiness. “Let me walk you home.” I pulled back, watching the way her eyes sparkled for a second. It was the first time I felt like I had made the right choice.

Two days later I was sitting on the couch backstage, my fingers picking idolly on the guitar when two giggling girls burst into backstage. And there she was, eyes shiny with joy as she laughed with her friend. The pair of them seemed almost surprised that they were in the room with the band. Y/N looked up, eyes landing on me as if she knew exactly where I would be.

I don’t know why her eyes knocked the wind out of me everytime that they looked at me but I was made stupid in her presence. She didn’t come over to talk to me, staying with her friend. Her black hair was tied back in a red ribbon bow. If she could have reached the ribbon I’m sure she would have pulled it out; she was playing with the end of her ponytail. I didn’t know why she was nervous but I gave her space watching how every few minutes she would look down her eyes looking around until they landed on me. When we would make eye contact she seemed frustrated by it and would pull her eyes away.

I had her phone number which I had called several times since the double date without her picking up once. There had to be a reason she was ignoring me. I had thought of around 100 in the time that I had been obsessing with her. The biggest one, the one that made the most sense is she wasn’t into me because there was someone else. The logical part of my brain accepted this but the other part wanted to fight for her, prove that I was worth it.

Before we went on stage, I looked over at her again.She looked tired, like she hadn’t slept since I dropped her off. Small dark circles that she hadn’t bothered to cover in makeup stood out as she sipped her beer. She wasn’t trying to make everyone laugh or touching forearms as she leaned in to speak to them. One hand was firmly planted in the denim shorts she was wearing and the other on a can of beer that I was sure was warm from how long she nursed it. It felt like something was wrong and I didn't have time to figure out what it was.

During the show I looked over, almost doing a double take when I saw her standing there, watching us perform. Her friends were all moving to the music but she was perfectly still just watching me. Not the band but me. She caught me staring and sent me a small wave in return, I missed the next note getting a scathing look from Axl as repayment.

How could she be so inside my head? I had no idea how to deal with it. All I could think about for the rest of the shoe was getting off stage and talking to her. Or kissing her. I could imagine her pressed against her, her arms wrapping around my neck as I lifted off her feet into a kiss. The feeling of her plus lips on mine, her tongue that I was sure tasted like something sweet, dancing against mine. I blinked myself out of the image, stealing a look over at her as if she could read my embarrassing thoughts. Just like  a high school idiot I was fantasizing about a girl. I needed to get a better grip on things.

It took me almost twenty minutes to find her after the show. Between all the hustle and bustle of people moving around it was like a whirlwind and then suddenly there she was walking towards me, what looked like my denim jacket folded over her arm.

“Hey, I just brought this back for you. I have to head home now.” She tried to hand me the jacket but I was too caught up in the idea of her leaving so soon to grab it.  Y/N must have seen the confusion on my face, “I have a meeting I need to prepare for tomorrow. I probably shouldn’t have even come out to this.” She motioned around to the show and once more held out the jacket for me to take,

“Why don’t I take you home?” The weary look on her face was there again; she didn’t trust me. It was fair. We hadn’t known each other for that long and if she knew the same people as I did it wasn’t really a slight on me to not trust me. It was common sense, “I just want to have a couple more minutes with you. I won’t force myself into your apartment or anything like that.” I could feel my heart breathing as I tried to play off this cool, collected guy. When she nodded in agreement I had to bite my lip to stop the idiotic smile from plastering across my face.

We talked in the car, small talk about little things and I asked her about her meeting. I got to glimpse her face express joy, stress, hope, and a million other emotions at the mention of it and realized this wasn’t just her work meeting but her passion meeting. Y/N wanted to design clothes and had gotten a meeting to work with a company to see her line. If she was taken on she could have a clothing line out as soon as the Spring.

I had been around musicians for so long that it seemed second nature to brag or talk about our work. There would be a million times where someone would just pick up an instrument and other people would join in on a jam session and suddenly a song was written. Or the amount of times composition notebooks were passed around to judge song lyrics someone else had written. No one was really shy about their music because everyone had this sense that they were the best at what they did.

Y/N seemed to have a track record of people not fully believing in her. She told me about her grandparents having sent her to college to get a husband more than they had sent her to get a degree and when she had graduated with her business degree and a good job they had been proud of her but there had been this sense of failure with it. If she told them it would just feel like it was about her step away from their traditional expectations of how she should live her life. Her friends were all so wrapped up in what they were doing, most of them hanging around the scene and trying to land a rich boyfriend to take care of them that she felt like if she shared her work with them they wouldn’t understand what she was trying to do. So she kept her designs to herself, sketching out ideas and tracing out pattern designs when she was alone. She would take vacation days from work just to sew or spend whole weekends pretending she had the stomach flu to give her an escape from everyone else and just focus on something that she wanted to do.

Seeing her talk about it and feeling the sincerity of her passion coming out in her words moved me and I had to see it. I wanted to see what made her so excited and what her dreams were. It felt important to me because it made her happy.

“Do you think I could see what you’re working on?” I asked when we pulled up outside of her place. She looked at me, shocked and stared for a second before giving a slight nod as she got out of the car leading me inside the place that she lived.

It was exactly how I would imagine it to be, pictures on the wall of family and friends, fresh flowers on the counter, a coffee cup with a lipstick smear on her coffee table, and just a mess of fabric everywhere.

“Sorry for the chaos. I’ve been in a panic mood.” she confessed, clearing off the couch and starting to tidy up as I walked around, looking at some of the sketches on the wall and letting my fingers run over the clothing she had on some forms. I could feel her eyes following me, watching me as I moved around.

“You did all of this by yourself?” She nodded, those brown eyes scared as she shared with me the intimacy of her craft. The raw unfinished hems of art in progress. “You’re amazing.” her eyes widened at this and for a second I thought she was going to cry. I took a step closer to her, “You should be really proud of yourself for getting all of this done. And your work is amazing. Will you tell me more about your meeting?”

And she did. We sat on the couch, time once more seeming to melt away around us. Both of us talked about our goals and dreams. The life we wanted and just some of the things that we had dreamed about. It was easy to talk about the life that we both wanted because our puzzle pieces we wanted in our life seemed to fit together.

The sun tickled me awake, teasing me out of sleep as I woke up on a couch. I looked at my side where Y/N was tucked in, fast asleep. There was a smirk as she dreamed about something amusing, drawn over her face. Some of her dark hair had escaped the pony tail and spilled over the gentle features of her face. Absent-mindedly, I tucked them back watching amused as her nose scrunched up from my fingers.

I couldn’t remember waking up next to someone that I hadn’t had sex with. I wasn’t sure what I was even supposed to do. Could I make myself a cup of coffee? Could I sneak out and make it to the band meeting I needed to be at in thirty seven minutes? Shit.

Trying to be gentle I slowly got up from the couch, rearranging Y/N so she would stay asleep. I grabbed my jacket, laying it over her as she resettled into the spot. I wanted to stay so badly but knew that I couldn’t miss the meeting.

Finding a pen I scribbled a note, hoping that she could read my chicken scratch writing and that she saw the message before her meeting. With one last glance I looked at her before leaving the apartment.

Y/N POV

Oh man, another night on the couch. My back was protesting against my decision before I even opened my eyes. It smells like cigarettes, sweat, and cologne. It smells like Izzy. My eyes snapped open as I remembered talking to him last night. Now I’m waking wrapped in the denim jacket I tried to give him back and he’s gone. When did he leave?

Looking at the time I started rushing around, packing things up in the garment bags, getting dressed and grabbing my bag. I stopped seeing a piece of paper with different handwriting on the counter, Izzy’s name signed at the bottom.

‘Sorry for sneaking out on you well you slept, you looked so peaceful I didn’t want to wake you. Your work is amazing and they’ll be so lucky to add your designs to the team. Good luck, Y/N. I’ll be throwing a party tonight. Here’s my address. Please come. -Izzy’

The kind words had my cheeks blazing. He believed in mr. He thought I had talent and could see the creativity and love sewn into each garment. He respected my craft and my passions. He had listened to my lamenting the night before about everything and he wanted my dreams to be realities.

The realization that I liked the guitarist started to seep in. The preconceived notions of who the band was and how they slept around was starting to slip; for the past couple weeks Izzy only had eyes for me. And when we talked it was so easy to tell him everything. At the parties and backstage Izzy had stayed away from the girls who wanted to sleep with him. He had even left to take me home. He hadn’t tried anything.

I had made this assumption about him because his band was just like everyone else. After the meeting I’d get ready and talk to him, apologize, kiss him.

Walking into the party I tried not to fidget with the leather dress. My eyes wandered around the house, I knew most of the people here but I couldn’t find Izzy.

It was twenty minutes later when I finally spotted him on the balcony. He looked uncomfortable, three girls crowded around him as he nodded his head absently. Every couple minutes he’d look up, eyes scanning the crowd before looking down at his drink, tipping it back to down the amber liquid. But the girls were going in rotation to the bar to keep them coming.

A weird cramping filled my stomach and my hands tightened in fists. The jealousy overtook me as I tried to figure out a plan.

“You’re staring at Izzy like he usually stares at you.” Looking over my shoulder I saw Axl staring past you to where his bandmate was trapped being held hostage by the hyenas. “Are you going to save him or are you going to let them take him upstairs? Better figure it out kid.” The lead singer moved away leaving me alone. I stewed in my anger, showtime.

One foot in front of another, hips swinging dangerously side to side I watched the eyes follow me. Izzy finally saw me when I got to the balcony, stepping forward to break out from his captors. My hand went to the back of his head, pulling him down a few inches to my lips and planting my lips on his. Hands slid down the smooth sides of the dress around me to my ass and back up to my lower back. Pulling away, my heart beating a million miles a minute, I looked into his shocked eyes. At least it wasn’t just me that felt the fireworks.

“I’ve had a very good day and I’m not going to let anyone ruin that.” I explained to him, flashing him a smile. Izzy cupped my cheeks, his lips hitting mine again as his body pressed me into the balcony. I could feel every part of him, hard and solid against me.

“I’ve been waiting to kiss you for weeks.” His head rested against mine and for a second I forgot that we were at a party surrounded by friends. Izzy seemed to completely forget, his eyes on me, one hand firm against my hip well the other ran through my hair.

“Did it live up to expectations?” I teased, watching the way he was looking at me. His gaze was intense and I felt like I was going to shiver despite the warmth of the night.

“It just left me hungry to kiss every inch of your body.” His words came out husky, vibrating through me and making the dress that barely covered my skin seem too hot to wear anymore.

A flip had been switched on and I couldn’t turn it off. After fighting it for weeks the feeling of Izzy’s hands in my body was exactly what I wanted.

“Are you going to fuck me like one of your groupies?” I asked, “Are we going to go upstairs and in an hour I’ll leave and never hear from you again?” His eyebrows furrowed together, confused.

“Do you think that I’m only going to take an hour with you, honey? That’s cute.” He was taking my hand, weaving us through the crowd and to his bedroom. My cheeks were burning red as he pulled us inside, locking the door behind us. “If you don’t want this, now would be the time to tell me because if you don’t say something in the next ten seconds I’m going to toss you on that bed behind you and do things with your body that I’m sure you’ve never had done before.” His eyes were staring so deeply into me, I gulped trying to picture what he had in mind but not being able to have a coherent thought.

“Why are we still in clothes?”

That was exactly the answer he was looking for. He took one step towards me, looking over my dress before spinning me around, his lips on the back of my neck kissing and biting around to my ear as his fingers pulled the zipper down, his middle finger tracing my spine as it went.

His mouth moved down, kissing until the dress was off, biting my ass cheek as I stepped from the dress. Izzy was on his knees behind me and I felt disoriented that I couldn’t see him.

“Bend over for me. Put your elbows out so you’re comfortable, Y/N. Good job, honey.” Licking my lips I followed his instructions and my body position ass up off the bed.

Hands on my hips rolled my underwear down, pulling it off as well as sliding off my heels. I felt on display, like I was his toy to play with. The idea of it having me bite my lip.

“Look at your pretty pussy.” His finger traced the outside lips, a whimper rolling out of my mouth, “I’m going to take care of you, honey. Don’t worry about that. Let me just enjoy the sight of you and learn your body, okay?” I nodded wishing I could turn and look at him. He rubbed his hands over my ass, pushing my stomach down and arching me higher. His hands went down again, pushing my legs open.

The way that Izzy made a hissing sound followed by a low grunt had me wondering what he was doing.

“Izzy, I can’t see what you’re doing.” I whined out trying to turn. A soft smack on my ass had me freezing in place.

“Do you want me to describe everything to you?” His voice seemed deeper, husky and needy now. “I’m going to get undressed .” The sound of a fly going down, a belt buckle unclipping and the sound of clothes being tossed aside confirmed this. “Now, I’m going to get on my knees behind you and play with your pussy. It’s so juicy and wet I’m going to pump out some of the juices like this.”

Two fingers stretched me open, surging me forward. Izzy moved his fingers quickly for a second, curling them inside to rub against the swell inside of my body. He pulled them out after a second and I heard a slurping sound and a groan of appreciation. I could picture him tasting me off himself and moaning softly into the bed sheets.

“I’m going to get more of your wet pussy juice and use it to stroke my hard cock. Is that okay, honey?” I squeaked out a yes, feeling his two fingers teasing at my hole. My body pushed back, wanting to feel full of him again, “What was that?” He kissed my thigh, wet grin the juices he had just been working from inside of me.

“Please, Izzy. I want you to pump your cock with my wet pussy.” My heart was beating so loudly. I was so horny and just wanted him to work the orgasm from my body. I felt comfortable and trusted him with myself, feeling like he wouldn’t abuse the power in a way I didn’t like.

His fingers were once more inside of me, working at me again. My hands gripped the sheets, trying not to push back against him but I could feel the rocking in my hips.

“Do you need to cum? Am I not finger fucking you hard enough? Let me use my mouth. I’ll fuck you with my tongue and suck on that little swollen clit.” His fingers left my body and I whimpered. I could hear this wet grunting and knew he was fisting his cock as he played with me. “You have me so hard.”

“So fuck me.” I said panting. It felt like he kept getting me so close and stopping. I could feel the quivering in my legs and knew I was more than ready to cum.

“Patience. You made me be patient for you now you be a good girl and let me taste you. I want to lap up your sticky pussy juices before I bury my cock into you.” At the idea of his cock in me I could feel the tightening in my belly.

“Holy-“ I couldn’t finish my sentence. His warm tongue swiped over me, twirling around my home, dancing into my pussy and licking my walls before sliding out down to my slit where his perfect lips wrapped around it like a kiss before his tongue spun around it sucking and pulling it in his mouth.

I was rocking again, over-stimulated and wanting to orgasm more and more. My mind was blank, a coherent thought no longer feasible.

“You can cum for me. I’ll keep sucking and licking you and right at your peak I’m going to push my cock all the way in. You’re going to keep pushing back just like you’re doing now in it, Cumming against my cock and letting me drain myself inside you.” He whispered as he laid these over stimulating kisses over my glistening cunt. His tongue swiped down into me again, then a flat stroke over me and up to my clit. I felt his tongue slide around it sucking the small ball until I was shaking from the orgasm.

Izzy was quick to slide inside me, filling me with his cock, stretching it as he fucked me, dragging out my orgasm as my wetness slid down my thighs over his balls and on his own legs.

“That’s a good girl, cumming so hard against my cock.” His hands were on my hips as I pushed back wanting him to keep fucking me. My hands on the small of my waist helped to pull me back and keep me dripping over every inch of him.

The low groan he gave out let me know he was close and I squeezed, pushing myself back up on my elbows tk throw it back. His hand slid down to my ass smacking it knee again before hands were digging on my hip, his balls slapping my enforced clit as he shuddered inside me.

Izzy stayed like that for a second, both of us panting and gasping for air. He pulled out with a satisfied groan falling beside me on the bed and dragging me close to him in the bed.

His lips were on my head, soft kisses and hair strokes soothing me. Izzy dragged a bed sheet over us, his arms returning to wrap around me. I felt exhausted, safe, comfortable and something deeper for him. A new connection beyond just the carnal pleasure we just had.

“Do you want to stay here for the night? We can do brunch in the morning and you can tell me all about your meeting?” He had remembered the most important step in my career and was making time for me to tell him more about it.

I pulled him into another kiss, his lips tasted like me and I knew we weren’t going to leave this bed until that brucnh he was talking about.

[dreamescapeswriting]

BTS Reaction | Their S/O doesn’t Believe In Marriage [Request]

BTS X GN!Reader

A/N: First post back after my break! Hope you guys enjoy the new lot of requests! I’ll let you know when I open them up again! Thank you for being so patient with me 💕💕💕

SEOKJIN:

Seokjin had known about your feelings towards marriage since the start of your relationship. When you began dating and could tell that it was starting to get serious you decided to tell him that you didn't believe in the whole marriage thing. Claiming that it was nothing more than a piece of paper declaring that two people were together forever and that you didn't need that to be happy. That was almost ten years ago and your relationship was Jin was still growing stronger every day but the marriage scenario was starting to bother you. Jin had told you how much he'd wanted a wedding but he was willing to give it all up for you, give up his dream in order to make you happy. 

"Jin?" You questioned one night as you sat across from him at the dinner table. The two of you were having a date night inside since he'd been so busy with work that week, you'd made the setting romantic with candles and flowers trying to hint at something you wanted to talk about. It was a tough subject since you had been the one to abandon the idea of marriage altogether and just be together. 

"Yes, love?" He glanced up at you as he sipped on the red wine you'd gotten and he could tell there was something on your mind. You were frowning as you stared down at the placemats, not being able to hold eye contact with him. 

"Something bothering you?" He questioned, putting down his glass so that he could hold your hand in his own. It was now or never,

"Why haven't you asked me to marry you?" The words shocked you almost as much as they'd shocked Jin who was sitting with his mouth hanging open and not blinking. He began shaking his head as he stuttered out, trying to think of some kind of an answer for you. 

"You...You told me that you didn't believe in it. I wasn't going to ask because I knew your feelings on it," The crushing feeling of Jin giving up his dream of being married began to weight down on you and you realised just how much he was willing to give up for you so you began shaking your head.

"I would marry you...I-I would do it because I know how happy it would make you," You whispered, pushing aside your plate so you could lean into Jin's personal space to let him know how serious you were about this. 

"But you think marriage is a piece of paper-"

"It is, but that piece of paper will make you the happiest man in the world...What kind of partner would I be if I didn't make you happy?" You smiled softly as he kissed you deeply, holding your face in his hands as you could sense just how excited he was at the idea of marrying you. Even if you did think it was a cringe-fest to have a huge wedding if it meant you got to see Jin smile like this forever, you would do it a thousand times.

YOONGI:

It always came back down to this whenever you and Yoongi were bickering about something stupid. After being together for almost eleven years you would think you'd get used to it but you weren't. You couldn't even remember what this fight was about, just that it was now in the direction of marriage which was where all of the fights led to lately with him. 

"Why won't you marry me?" He questioned as he stared at you from across the kitchen, your hands gripped onto the sink as you peered down into the dishwater. The subject had never come up as to why you didn't want to get married, just that it was something you never wanted to do. Ever. You could hear the pain in Yoongi's voice as he'd asked you as if there was something wrong with him as to why you wouldn't marry him but that would never be the case. There was nothing wrong with Yoongi it was always just you getting into your own head as you thought about marriage.

"Do you not love me?" You span around so quickly you almost passed out but you stared at him trying to think of the words to say to him as he teared up in front of you. 

"Yoongi it's not you...It's me," You groaned as you realised how cliche you sounded to him and you shook your head, moving closer to him as you reached for his hands. 

"Yoongi I just...I don't see the point in marriage." You admitted to him as he stared at you, frowning as he heard your explanation for it not following along. 

"The point is that we'll be together forever...Married and as one..." He said slowly as if you didn't understand the basics of what marriage meant but you shook your head softly, sitting down with him at the table. 

"I don't see the big deal in having a huge party because a piece of paper has joined us as a couple...We're already a great couple without that," As Yoongi listened to you he began to realise what you meant when you said you didn't see the point in it but that didn't mean he felt the same. A big wedding was something he'd always wanted, marrying the love of his life with his friends and family there to bear witness to it so he could show his love. 

"Is it a deal-breaker if I don't want to get married?" You questioned as you stared at a shocked looking Yoongi who was still trying to process everything in his head. 

"You would never...ever marry me?" He stared back at you and you could see in his eyes how much it was breaking him at the idea of not being able to marry you and you bit down on your lip. 

"I-if it means that much to you I would do it," You whispered as you stared at him, realising that it didn't matter what you thought. If marrying him meant that he would be happy you would do it, you would do anything for Yoongi.

HOSEOK:

Since agreeing to marry Hoseok you had done your best to at least act as though you were truly excited about the wedding but it was hard when you weren't. It wasn't as though you weren't in love with Hoseok because you were, you were hopelessly in love with him which was why you were going through with the wedding in the first place. 

"Babe?" You glanced up as you heard your pet name being called out and you were met with stares from Hoseok and a cake lady both of them waiting for your opinion on the cake you had just tasted. 

"Oh," You glanced down at the red velvet cake and nodded your head at it, 

"It was good." Hoseok chuckled softly as he kissed your temple softly, 

"You said that about all of them," You forced out a smile to him as you nodded your head once again, 

"They were all good." You mumbled not knowing what else there was to say about cake, the baker excused herself to speak to another customer while Hoseok stared at you. 

"Sorry...I just don't feel great," You lied as you saw how heartbroken he was that you weren't taking this as seriously as he was but he didn't know the truth. Hoseok had no idea about your feelings on marriage and that you were only marrying him because you knew the big church wedding and party would make him happy, you knew that you would do anything even if it was cliche for him because you loved him that much. 

"I can cancel," He suggested as put down the plate he was holding and looked at you, 

"We're already here-"

"I can cancel the wedding," He cut you off and you stared up at him, shocked that he knew what you'd been feeling this whole time. He moved closer to you, wrapping his arms around your waist. 

"What kind of a boyfriend would I be if I didn't notice my partner not interested in all of this," He whispered to you as you weakly smiled at him as you thought about him knowing you didn't want to get married. 

"I'm doing this for you Hobi, I want to make you happy," You reassured him but he shook his head at you, leaning forward to give you a small kiss on your lips. 

"Just spending the rest of our lives together will make me happy," He promised as he looked into your eyes, smiling once again as you seemed to relax in relief of not having to go through with a huge wedding. 

"Let's go home," He whispered, kissing your cheek as he paid for the cake tasting and left with you, hand in hand together.

NAMJOON:

The moment you walked into the overly fancy restaurant that night panic began to set in you, you began to realise that Namjoon was going to do something you weren't ready for. All of the other times you'd been with someone this was the question and answer that made them run away or end the relationship. 

"Y/n, would you like some more wine?" Namjoon raised his eyebrow at you and you nodded. So far you'd made it through the whole meal without him asking you but it was only a matter of time. The wine was poured into your glass and you heard it, the small clinking of a ring hitting the bottom of a wine glass and you stared down. The small band sitting there while Namjoon had a giant smile on his face, ready to get down onto one knee before you reached out to stop him. Pleading with him with just your eyes not to do this right now so he stayed seated, staring back at you as you watched him. 

"Will you-"

"Namjoon," You cut him off as you took his hands in yours again, looking from the glass to his face as you could see his heartbreaking in front of you. It was as if you were holding his heart in the palm of your hands and you swallowed nervously, 

"I-I've never mentioned it before because I never thought you would..." You were going to tell him you didn't think he would ask you but it wasn't true. You knew that one day he eventually would but you were hoping it would be in the privacy of your shared home where you could explain your feelings on marriage to him.

"I don't see marriage as a big deal...It's just a slip of paper," You explained as basically as you could, waiting for Namjoon to say something but he was just staring back at you. 

"Marriage is the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship," You blinked at him as he gave you the literal definition of marriage but you shook your head. 

"Joonie...I've never and I would never see myself getting married..."

"Does this mean you don't want to be with me?" His voice cracked and your heart dropped to te pit of your stomach as you began to violently shake your head, 

"No, Namjoon. I love you. I love you more than anything else but I just don't want to get married...I saw what it put my family through and I-" Namjoon cut you off this time by leaving a small and gentle kiss on your lips. You frowned as you stared at him waiting for an explanation this time. 

"You don't have to explain yourself...Just stay with me." He whispered as he looked into your eyes, you nodded at him leaning across to kiss him again.

JIMIN: 

That morning Jimin had been in the apartment with you only you didn't know it. You thought he'd left for work and called your best friend to talk to her about marriage things. Jimin had been hinting about marrying you for a while and you'd managed to avoid the topic by playing dumb or just changing the subject so you'd called your friend for advice. All Jimin heard was that you didn't want to get married and he knew that he had to speak to you about it. 

"Y/n...I heard you this morning," You stopped pouring him the tea as you heard him speaking and you waited for him to continue on. Waiting for the usual lines that followed along whenever someone found out that you didn't want to get married. It was always the same, "You're too young to know what you want," "It'll all change when you find the right person," but Jimin was the right person for you. Having a slip of paper in your hands that would tell you he was yours forever didn't change anything except having a piece of paper. 

"Do you really not want to marry me?" Jimin stared at you as he awaited an answer but you knew there wasn't one that you could give to him that would easily explain all of this away.  

"Is it a deal-breaker if I don't want to get married...To anyone..." It had always been a topic that people would fight you on. No one would want to date you forever, eventually, someone would ask you to marry them and you would say yes but it just wasn't you. It wasn't something you saw any need in doing and you stuck by that statement. 

"Is it a deal-breaker if I want to get married?" He threw it back in your face and you shook your head.

"If getting married is what you really...Truly want then I will...I will do it," Jimin's eyes locked onto yours, he was expecting you to say it was a deal-breaker. That you wouldn't marry him, not that he wanted that. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with you but he wanted to make sure you wanted that to. Your happiness meant the world to him, 

"I don't want you to force yourself into it for me," He admitted as he intertwined your hand with his own, kissing the top of your hand as he smiled at you and at that moment you knew you both loved each other so much you were willing to do anything to make each other happy.

TAEHYUNG:

The wedding had gone perfectly, the ceremony was beautiful and now the reception was going along brilliantly. You and Taehyung were out on the dance floor enjoying your first dance as a married couple, you stared at him as you smiled happily up at him. Although weddings weren't your idea of fun and you'd never wanted to get married you'd known how much Taehyung wanted this for the longest time so you went along with it. Agreeing to everything he had asked of you, never once complaining about how cliche you thought it was or how cringey you thought it was that he wanted this. If it made Taehyung happy you were going to do everything in your power to make him smile. 

"Thank you for today," He whispered as he span you around and into his chest, swaying with you in time to the beat of the slow musical melody that was playing. You frowned as you turned your head to look up at him, not following with what he was saying.

"I know weddings aren't your thing and that you're only doing this to make me happy," You stared at him in awe as you realised he knew you a lot better than he was letting on, you wrapped your arms around his neck and continued to sway with him. Smiling as you shook your head, 

"This isn't so bad." You tried to downplay the cringe you were feeling but you were doing a bad job at it, Taehyung chuckled softly as he dipped you down to kiss you softly. Laughing as someone snapped photographs of you both and you let out a displeased groan, standing back up and staring at him. 

"You owe me a backrub," You winked as you kissed him once again, happy that you were able to make him happy no matter what, even if it meant enduring the next couple of hours for him.

JUNGKOOK: 

When Jungkook asked you to marry him and you told him no he worried that you didn't love him the way that he loved you but you cleared it up right away not wanting him to feel that way. You'd came clean about not believing in marriages, that all it was was a piece of paper joining two people together and it wasn't a big deal. Jungkook agreed with you at the time but as more time passed you could see it was starting to bother him. His family and friends constantly asking when he was planning on popping the question to you. People always bringing it up in interviews that you had been together so long a marriage proposal was right around the corner and you knew it was starting to bother him even if he would never admit it to you. When you noticed how much it was bothering him, you told him to ask you to marry him again and this time you agreed. 

"Are you sure?" Jungkook questioned as you stood in front of him, dressed up fancy as the rest of the church looked on at you both for the ceremony to begin. 

"Jungkook, yes...I'm sure." You laughed softly at the thought of him asking you this now of all times. It had been this way since agreeing to marry him. He'd been asking you almost every day if you were sure you wanted to go through with it, your replying being "If it makes you happy, I will do anything for you." You smiled at him as the church all quietened down and it was just the two of you speaking to one another from the heart. You forgot about everyone else there and focused on him and him alone. 

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