twistednuns

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Sandra Bullock as Sally Owens in PRACTICAL MAGIC.

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Diana Galbadon, from "A Breath of Snow and Ashes," originally published in 2005

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September 2024

Being the first one up in a quiet house. Sitting outside journalling, enjoying French sea salt butter and passion fruit jam on toasted pieces of baguette. The view of the sea. Painting, reading, a nap. Vacation mode.

The familiarity of it all. The house, the area, the people.

Snorkelling in Les Issambres with C. Trying to snatch away stones from octopus tentacles. Hanging out on the SUP together. Many cute kisses here and there (C. was in a very good mood).

Learning to communicate a little better. Slowly, slowly.

French supermarkets. The greedy first day haul.

Working on a mixed media painting which turned out useful for Trypophobia exposure therapy. I kinda like the depth of it though and the interesting shapes I created.

A chubby restaurant cat called Patate at Pampelonne Beach. I secretly call her Chonkita. She was very happy about my scritches!

An amusing sight: the lady in St. Tropez who was walking through town with a pack of about ten tiny dogs.

Little intimate moments with C. Analysing my friends and my relationship to them. Also: the realization that a chapter is closing. That I'm ready for something new that'll be so much more what I need.

A trip to Grasse. Walking through the medieval old town, visiting the perfume museum, shopping at Fragonard (I got a hand-marbled oversized shirt in earthy colours). Iced cappuccino with flower petals at Café Fleur. Eating a rich and delicious Galette in Fréjus.

The gorgeous light and shadow pattern on all of us when we were having drinks at the beach.

Driving through the back country to eat at a fabulous little restaurant by the sea. I had a three-course-menu: summer truffle burrata with roasted nectarines, zucchini filled with black olive tapenade (with puree, breadcrumbs, chickpeas and salad) and a delicious pistachio semifreddo with balsamic prunes.

Getting everything I want at the supermarket so I have a few kitchen souvenirs that'll make me smile when I think back to this summer.

Strawberry-flavoured sparkling water. The Maison Perrier x Magnetic Juice water in strawberry/kiwi is such a delight.

And, a final delight on the way back: a large cappuccino and a box of tiny Pocket Coffees at Autogrill.

Desperate measures after a weekend hiding in bed, trying extra hard to pretend not to exist: an evening at Therme Bad Wörishofen with Manu. Drinking a strawberry cocktail in the warm pool. Talking, no pretense.

The jay (Garrulus glandarius) I keep seeing behind my house. I just looked up its meaning and apparently it's connected with accepting responsibility for yourself and mustering up the courage to master a hard test. There are so many signs reaching me at the moment. Teachings about personal responsibility in the Gestalt therapy book I'm reading. Instagram bombarding me with messages about Eclipse Season and that something old has to go in order to make room for the life I've always wanted. It's slowly starting to sink in but I'm still so afraid. Stuck with my insecurity, between different needs and feelings. Inside a contradiction between safety and sensibility on the one hand, taking a risk and stepping into freedom and my full potential on the other.

A hit of nostalgia when I heated up the milk for my cereal. It was soggy and disgusting but reminded me of my childhood.

Realizing that I've never seen the last season of The Umbrella Academy!

I have very cute and supportive friends. Who tell me how talented I am and that something better is waiting for me at the other end of this crisis.

Making a decision. Seeing psychiatrists. Informing my headmaster. This is the beginning of a transformation and it's not gonna feel nice for a while but I'm sure it'll be worth it. I'm excited about what comes next.

Little trinkets: a glass bottle with a round wooden lid, a green glass candlestick holder, and a yellow T-shirt.

Spending a few days at Christian's place. Staying in my comfort zone. Honest communication and support.

Baking a buttery mirabelle cake. Sharing it with a few neighbours at the garden table.

Feline affection: The orange cat who was waiting for me outside the doctor's office. All that crazy Findus energy. And cuddling with Charlie who was sleeping inside the little blanket fort in the garden.

Going on a little bike tour through the forest on a beautiful afternoon with golden light. It smelled of moss and mushrooms. And I couldn't resist squeezing a few Impatiens seed pods, of course.

Reading a great book about the origin of Gestalt therapy. Analyzing my own process.

Spending an afternoon in Munich with C. and L. We went to the Archeological museum and Haus der Kunst where we had a snack at Goldene Bar and then I saw the exhibitions alone. Of course I found an interesting book about Marina Abramović at the bookstore there.

Productive procrastination. Observing myself in my avoidance of hard tasks and difficult feelings. Self-compassion.

Finding a small book about sleep, dreams and the night on a park bench. Cutting out poems and illustrations.

Birthing a chestnut from its spiky uterus.

Meeting Madeleine, a Gestalt therapist who works with somatic techniques, voice and breathing. I felt seen and I think we have a very similar approach to healing. She said that self acceptance might be something she could help me with. I'm curious and excited about working together.

Primavera Energiekick spray. It smells so good. I got it in an esoteric store after my first Gestalt Therapy session along with a tiny golden Om ornament. A few houses down I also discovered a little Indian shop and got two pictures of Kali/Durga. My last treat: three stalks of yellow and dark red Chrysanthemum.

My first meditation in a while. I actually craved it. I looked into the mirror, moved my hips, felt the need to turn inwards and connect with myself. I felt gratitude, joy, safety, confidence. Now I'm trying to reprogram my brain to get rid of my negativity bias and addiction to suffering.

Being helpful: translating something for a Chinese family at the supermarket. And forgetting about myself for a moment to be there for others: genuinely caring for Lucie, asking about how she felt after her cold - and leaving it at that. Not forcing my own problems on others for once.

Back on track: returning to yoga and choir practice after the summer break even though I already had two appointments in the afternoon.

Waking up energized with a desire to move.

Making coconut rice pudding with chunky mango cubes.

A vision that came to me during savasana: a cluster of luminous white diamond shapes and sparkles against a dark background. I wonder if I could paint what I saw or use it as inspiration at least.

Visiting Becki and Janina in Augsburg. A staredown with their cat Leo. Their gorgeous apartment and the tea book that Becki co-authored.

An evening dedicated to tantric rituals at Lachdach Pling. It was different than expected but a lovely event nevertheless.

Cat therapy. Having Findus lying on my chest, purring. It feels so soothing and nice.

The sickly summer lilac I planted in Christian's garden actually started to bloom again!

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little lambs eat ivy

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being the same level of intensity with my pick&mix candy as Eve is with hers in Killing Eve s2e1, but it’s just a random tuesday

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August 2024

Munich Micro Burn. First and foremost, learning my lesson: EMBRACE THE CHAOS. After all the planning and hustling and stressful weeks, nothing really worked out. First I was pissed, then I cried myself into a tiny nervous breakdown and eventually I just accepted it and went with the flow, enjoying myself. I didn't even do any workshops myself and completely gave up control. Acid Friday was magical on the dancefloor with my kaleidoscope and prism glasses. I went on a little trip through the universe and ended up in a cuddle puddle with Luna, Patri and David. Rainmaker massaged me. I was so happy to be reunited with Luki and loved hanging out with him in the pool or cuddle space. He shared a baritone sax fantasy with me. I also connected with Makelove (playing bingo) and Marjolien (following a black cat together, then I drew one of her heart notes - "there is no right or wrong"). I got buffed. And drank a lot of cherry slushie. Played with the ball pool equipment in the pool. And started a mud wrestling event. I reunited with Frank after months of hardly any contact. I made a delicious batch of creamy coconut porridge. I performed in the Consent Cabaret and initiated the Sonic Sound Experiment with C. (humming and tuning in together with an electric toothbrush). I happily ate Pombären in my tent and wrote down everything I wanted to get rid of into the old book we'd burn in Katharina's and Alex's temple on Saturday. I played on the swing and enjoyed watching my boyfriend's DJ sets. The opening ceremony was cute this year, too. We all got little keys and symbols for our archetypes.

A personal little decompression with C. I don't even know what we did all those days. All I know is that we started watching Twin Peaks.

Holding Charlie in baby pose. He even snuggled up to my chest.

Homemade pizza.

Getting a cheep red dress that is so comfy I wanna live in it for the whole summer.

Devouring a whole, moist mozzarella ball. Alone time. Dopamine mode with strange food, gaming, even smoking a few cigarettes. I don't really like myself when I'm like that though. I appreciate a pinch of control in my life.

Board game night with Margit and Ansgar. Having three kids around was a little too much though. Spiel des Wissens nostalgia.

Swimming in Klostersee during Golden Hour after L.'s sport event. Going to the other side of the lake. Watching the dragonflies (thinking of my mum whenever I see one after Ash's comment) and water lilies.

Test-driving e-bikes.

Cuddling with L. and C. on the sofa. With lots of blankets and pillows.

Having Kanako, Uli, Gyan and Jana over for a campfire BBQ and stargazing. Kanako shared a lot of stories and the next day we sat around in the kiddie pool together.

Riding the rollercoasters, water slide and boat swing with C. and L. at the amusement park. More cherry slushie. Discovering the Nordic theme world with obvious Midsommar vibes. There was a triangular church and eerie music playing. Inside the church you could ride around a tree in walnut halves and shoot at creepy little animals. Lian was super scared of the buffalos with the giant horns. In the evening, we drive through a medieval village and had delicious pizza and ice-cream. C. researched its history and came up with stories about witch trials.

Flutschfinger popsicles. So fruity.

Getting to know Christian's parents. They're pretty much exactly as he described them. It's creepy to see how he changes his personality completely when he's around them.

Getting to know Maike and Simon. Such wonderfully open, engaged, intelligent, easy-going people. She used to be a feminist porn director and now works as an art teacher. He used to be a climate activist and cuts movies. I loved their home (the green bathroom with yellow and pastel pink accents looked delicious), the conversations, dinners with their friends and daughters. We stayed in Ala's room. Of course I connected with her. Little girls always find me.

Mediterana Therme in Bergisch Gladbach. I've never visited a more beautiful spa. I especially enjoyed the Indian and Persian saunas, pools and courtyards. There were events every 30 minutes and there was so much art around. No kids allowed either. What a fantastic experience.

Richard Seewald's Surrealist painting Katze mit Salamander (I didn't even find the original - I bought the postcard in the gift shop before I even bought an entrance ticket). Walking through Museum Ludwig with Christian, calming down after a sensitive mood with tears and overwhelm in the morning. Taking photos in a far-off corner of the photography exhibition. Being inspired by the Surrealist paintings. I probably liked Ursula's Dunkle Messe best.

Only touching, no talking during the train ride. Earplugs. C. already knows when I need them and offers them to me.

A tiny corner of Cologne (my first time there): lighting a candle in the cathedral. Gift shopping on our way to Brüsseler Platz (I bought a glass straw, a Hamsa bookmark made from brass and a postcard as a thank you note for Maike and Simon). Balinese food. Chocolate coconut popcorn. Going home early, enjoying the night outside on the terrace after everybody had already gone to bed.

Cute children's books in Ava's room (one about a little girl going on a nightly stroll through the city with her dad because she's afraid of the dark) and in the museum shop.

Staying with Ludo in Eibelstadt. He let us stay there the first night even though he wasn't there. On our way back to Munich we stopped by again and went to his cabin in the hills behind the river with him, his partner Sophia and his son. He built everything himself! Such a cozy and cool place. We had a decadent barbecue and hopped into the warm jacuzzi after the boys had gone to bed. I performed a witchy little ritual on C. in the morning. Then we went to Ludo's other property to visit the old building there. Lost places.

Bubblegum pink nails.

C. sending kiss emojis and 111(1) reminders.

Guessing correctly which year a movie came out.

Late summer/early fall vibes. I can already feel a slight urge to bake zucchini cake and pumpkin quiche, watch whimsical autumn movies, read gothic novels. I started reading the first Practical Magic book and even found a copy of the Book of Shadows on the street in Leipzig. And when I bought a drink at Marie's Hoffest, the bartender girl tattooed a little magic wand on my wrist! It's the season of the witch!

Going to Leipzig for my Gestalt therapy training. Meeting my group. Observing my process. I'm very happy with my decision to ditch my yoga module and do this instead. I got the feeling that my empathy and intuition is very well-suited for the position of a therapist. I even managed to make someone cry because I helped him realize an important need in one of my first training sessions.

Learning about my role as a leader / how I want to be lead in an exercise with Tillmann.

Going into plough pose to help my back pain. Deep stretches. Recovery measures after hours on those tiny meditation pillows.

All the mirroring and the little insights it produces: that I'm hardly able to sit with a feeling. I always want to move on, find solutions, go deeper. Movement comes easy, stillness is hard. Which is quite fitting to someone's recent observation about me: I tend to avoid stillness and rest. / I can't feel myself very well. Which is why I push my boundaries. I don't even notice them until it's too late and at that point I draw a very strict line and establish tight boundaries. Too tight, of course. But I need to protect myself because I haven't taken good care of my needs before. / I can't tolerate weakness very well. Not in me, not in others. I want to learn how to lean into my own fragility more and allow it to come to the surface from time to time.

Listening to NOUK and Anna's beautiful voice. I adored her edgy haircut and the long white dress she was wearing.

Sitting outside on the balcony with Franzi and Marie, talking in the dark. / Drinking beer outside Marcus's camper van after class on Saturday.

(Vintage) shopping. I got a cheap yellow plastic ring, a wooden ring holder, a hair clip, and a funny postcard for C.

I got a copy of Psychologie Heute for the train and was surprised to find articles about the topics most relevant to me now: Gestalt Therapy, eating disorders, and especially boundaries.

C. picked me up from the train in Munich. It was lovely to see him but felt a little unfamiliar at first. On the way home he filled me in on his exciting weekend. We had a chat with his neighbors who gave us fresh produce from the garden and plum cake - which was fantastic because the fridge was empty so now we were able to make a big pot of creamy lemon-zucchini pasta. I loved touching each other's warm, naked skin. Reconnecting, tuning in. Going through an elaborate pop-up book together.

Hearing about C.'s very cinematic dream in the morning. Toasted bread with butter and honey for breakfast. Encouragement to become some sort of touch therapist. Apparently I've got magic hands.

Learning about Ursula Schultze-Blum and her fascinating Surrealist art.

Two harmonious, beautiful days at C.'s place. Journalling, drawing, making a shadow frame for the Hilma Af Klint altar piece. Visiting Tobi one evening, creating visions for the cabin and the forest lot. Pizza and a long evening walk with Marcus. Caring for the scared little red cat they caught to bring him to the vet. Watching a spider catch a fly, devouring it violently. Embracing my crazy urges. Eating scrambled eggs on cheese toast. Watching The Broken Circle Breakdown together, researching Bluegrass bands in Munich. Singing together. C. said I should find a Bluegrass band and sing with them instead of my gospel choir.

A summer afternoon outside. Ripping out vines, picking blackberries behind the vegetable garden. Memories of the brambles we had behind our house when I was young. Huge tomatoes, an abundance of beautiful butterflies everywhere. Biting into a ripe plum; vowing to make zucchini cake and plum dumplings when we get back from France.

C. carrying my backpack for me, entertaining me during the wait at the train station. Waving cheerfully after the train doors had closed and I was about to leave.

Drawing the Page of Fire, Playfulness - along with Adventure (Page of Rainbows). Writing about it. And the dream I had about feeling unwanted and criticized at home, trying to leave in overwhelm and chaos. And then there was C., smiling at me, embracing me, not even aware of the perceived hostility.

Emotional release on a physical level. This is new for me. I felt so nervous, was hardly able to hold the feeling in my body. It was unbearable. I ate some granola with almond milk and an apple. Lay down. And then my jaw started shaking uncontrollably. I was crying, grasping for air. I already felt better afterwards.

A hard massage from Pani. Coming back into my body.

Starting our roadtrip with a deep talk about having children. Visiting Kerem (I loved learning about his travels and diving, playing and drawing with his daughter, confusing the cat, looking at his design furniture), Makelove (our afternoon by the river was gorgeous; eggs and mayonnaise, land art, insightful conversations, learning something new about him), and Marjolien (eating salad on her balcony, learning about her passion for constellation work, her love for Tobi). Then we drove all the way over the San Bernardino pass. Enjoyed the view of the austere landscape and even saw a true cowboy up there. Dinner in Torino. Well-deserved sleep.

Making an excellent 90s Ethno-pop playlist on our way over the mountains between Italy and France. And the view from the top! What a lovely road we took.

Try not / to expect / anything - in this way / everything / will open up / to you (Buddhist teaching)

Arriving at Villa Josalie. Buying the most delicious snacks at the French supermarket. The friends dropping in one by one. Drinking wine and eating cheese outside, watching fireworks together.

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July 2024

Taking a break from grading tests. Stepping outside on the balcony. Blowing a few soap bubbles.

Compliments, stories and hugs from my students.

Spilling my drink on the blue blouse I was wearing. I changed into something green and orange and felt so much more comfortable. Clear message: blue doesn't spark joy. Off to the donation box!

Coffee with coconut drink.

Cat+Cow festival: a very surprising but powerful Kali meditation (I felt sadness and frustration, also a little self-pity) - there was an incredible energy in the tent with around 150 women screaming from the top of their lungs / going through constellation exercises with Lea, learning about our energy blocks / connecting with Andreas and Vero (who spilled the tea on her disagreement with Andrej and might let me rent Lachdach soon!) / an interesting hypnosis session with Jessica (I turned the heavy weight on my shoulders into armour and revisited a vision from my Akashic Records reading); her little dachshund Alma and even the heavy thunderstorm that blew off the tent from over our heads during the massage - in the end we stood in the rain half-naked, holding on to the pavillon but the nice thing is: it was OK / sitting in Franzi's tent after the storm, more and more people coming in, sharing their stories and food / fireflies everywhere (Ash said they're a sign from my mum?) / swimming naked in the cold lake; feeling myself, the outlines of my body, my bones and joints, feeling light and free; the sandy beach and sunshine, watching people, listening to the healing circle in the background / cultivating JOMO - accepting that I was overwhelmed and not able to participate in all the workshops I wanted to, going to bed early the first night when I just wasn't feeling it / Yin Yoga (even though it was a test, too, with so many people close to each other in that tent and all the noise - but my body loved it) / an OK encounter with Ale and Jessy - they ran into me while I was talking to two happy hippies who were standing in line for tofu curry with me and so it was a light and easy conversation / Franzi's new friend Oliver! She met him at a tantric eyegazing workshop and felt a connection. She thought he was cute but assumed he was there with his partner. That evening, when she was in her bathtub browsing Bumble, he was the first person suggested to her! She took it as a sign and approached him the next day. And they're so lovely together! He offered to help me bring my stuff to my car on Saturday and we had a great conversation. I hope they'll make it last!

C.'s hype beast energy. He lovingly coached me through the task I'd been dreading and avoiding for weeks and sat with me while I was manipulating my Photoshop file. He told me that 80% and done is so much better than striving for 100% but never making it. He told me I am good enough. Which showed me that apparently I still don't really believe that myself. Anyway. I love his positivity, his touch, the calming and reassuring effect he has on me.

Inspiring a student to call me "my Queen".

Having my cello bow repaired. I loved talking to the luthier in the shop. On the way home, I accidentally listened to classical music on the radio, too. And loved it. Perhaps I should take lessons again?

Visiting my Granny Friends. They clearly perceived my chaotic energy and mirrored it to me. And gave me the idea to buy a house in France. / Snacking wild strawberries from their rooftop terrace.

A morning just to myself on a crazy busy day.

Presenting our ideas for the new choir outfits. Taking pictures of myself for Steffi's lookbook. I found out that white really suits me! And I started wearing my pair of white jeans.

A little trip to Rosenheim with C. and L.

Relevant truths in my HD incarnation cross: Your Cross carries the energy to say ''yes''. It also carries an enthusiasm for life and is driven to make things grand by marching to the beat. You are here to spread excitement and spread the word about whatever it is that you are passionate about. Your commitment to things is unbounded and fuels the enthusiasm. However, you are here on earth in a physical body and do have some constraints. You need to set some limits to the number of things you say ''yes'' to. Make certain you agree only to what you are absolutely passionate about. If you not, you will surely burn out.

A very busy day with a full schedule. But I was relaxed, had a little bit of time to myself in the morning. And apparently I radiated good energy that day. I was able to support a friend, met lots of students on the way to school and we had nice and easy conversations, joked around. I sang with a few colleagues, then harmonized with Lucie in yoga class; choir practice was a breeze, too. I felt vocal, confident, received tons of compliments. It's interesting to see how much my energy influences people's reaction to me.

Booking Module 2. I'm returning to Hridaya France next month! [edit: I got the opportunity to do a Gestalt Therapy training instead! But I now have a lot of credit at Hridaya and need to return within the next two years]

Asking my friends to post their favourite picture of Villa Josalie to give C. an impression of the place.

Mastering the Kilimanjaro course in the high rope forest with Lara and Reyhaneh. Dealing with my fears.

Alex's Flinta Fiesta. Her grumpy grampa naked cat. Everyone's cute outfits. Braiding tinsel into each other's hair, painting our nails and bodies. Alex's drawings. The fact that it didn't even take an hour before the first ones were topless and Z. jumped around wearing a big rainbow strap-on. Making fuse bead art with K.

Yin Yoga and Satsang. Being invited to lead the Kali mantra. Compliments for my voice. Raising my vibration.

Really really nice vegan ice-cream at Eisbrunnen. Poppy seed and marzipan was amazing.

Sunflowers. Buying them for my home. Driving past large yellow fields, musing about the fact that they're always turning their heads toward the sun.

Attending a Women's Circle at Rote Mondin. Pairing up with Claudi. It was amazing to talk to someone who's so similar to me. Almost as if I don't have to feel weird anymore? And she offered me an insight: Am I avoiding positive feelings? (Or is it quietude? Am I even ABLE to truly relax?) [edit: So shocking that someone burned the place down only one week later...]

ILTIS BURN: The rangers' dice game - answering questions together whenever they showed up. Hanging out with Jana, Christian, Tina and Kerem. Getting to know Gregor a little better. Singing with him. Developing an idea for an erotic reading in his deep bass voice. Compliments for my sour Thai curry. An honest talk with C. on Eli's bench. Getting to know Stefan, managing to get him a membership for MMB. Hanging out in Balu's Bauwagen, meeting Christian's Triangles Cult gang. Following the White Rabbit into a cozy little nook. Snuggling up with C. in there. The bagpipe and drum live music right before the effigy burn. Group hugs.

Franzi's visit in Munich. She's super easy to be around and we had great conversations. She also told me about the Practical Magic Sequel that is coming out soon! (I got all 4 books now - my summer reading) We went shopping in Schwabing and had delicious vegan bao buns. I gave her my Astrology cap - it just simply suits her better.

My new long silky kimono in the perfect burnt orange shade. I wore it to Katharina's garden party and Franzi wore the red gown she'd found at a vintage store in the afternoon. We felt like witch sisters and talked about Charmed with the other guests. It was a great party, too. I had flirty Harry Potter nerd vibes with Martin and rediscovered the massage gun in the tipi. The introductory games were fun, too!

Talking to fox and Mephy on the phone when I was really stressed out because of Burn Orga problems. It really helped. I found out I like Mephy a lot. And fox said that it's between me and Kanako who the most interesting person at MMB is. Sometimes I also have the feeling that he really gets me. We're on a similar intellectual level. Oh, and he invited me to Singing Sands Nano Burn at a Loch in Scotland!

The 1:11:11 phone call with fox. And when I randomly picked up my phone the next morning , it was 11:11. I also sat in row 11, seat 1 and 11 at the two Krishna Das events.

Speaking of which: chanting with Krishna Das. Listening to his stories. Being brave enough to ask a question in front of the audience: How do I know what I really want? He just laughed at me in a friendly way and said something like... follow your bliss.

Spending all the money I had left to buy snacks for the students. Going on a little trash clean-up walk together. And reflecting on the past year together on the last school day.

Performing at our school's summer party. Singing a few songs, hardly nervous at all. Joking with Christian F., my co-teachers next year. Also, I'm gonna teach ninth grade. Finally a break from the exhausting 11-year olds.

Wearing my Desigual skirt. It has pockets.

Making an elaborate sign for my porridge instead of doing the important work. I really enjoyed my crafting break.

Flo put me on the guest list for the COEO sundowner set at Bahnwärter Thiel. I really liked the place and his music. Surprisingly, Christian F. showed up as well! Afterwards: Burner meet-up at Heinrich's place. Mandy was cute when she wanted me to take a photo of her famous snack plate.

Exciting August plans. And the beginning of the summer holidays. Best time of the year. The eternal summer feeling.

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June 2024

A lovely evening with a few Burners at Kanako's new place. I loved the unreal garden with all the old bird houses and huge hemp plants. And her marbled wallpaper circle in the kitchen. I connected with Alex&Alex, Uli and Anna-Maria. Afterwards I went to Filzhof and spent a lovely evening with C.

Sunday was even nicer. In a long conversation about our issues, C. recommended project-based thinking for me to override my tendency to search for "the one and only", the perfect thing for me I want to keep doing forever. It really helped me.

I made a delicious curry in the new wok that C. gave me for my birthday.

A bountiful mushroom harvest.

Juicing every. Single. Morning. I love getting all the nutrients in that way! And I'm thinking about buying a slow juicer. Right now I'm using C.'s regular one and it gets the job done quickly but it's also loud and I don't think it's able to crack open the plant cells properly. I'll have to do some research.

However, I suddenly manage to eat an 80% vegan, sugar-free-ish diet and avoid processed food, especially carbs. Hardly any coffee. The other day I bit into a milk chocolate bar and had to spit it out immediately because my body activelty resisted it. What a miraculous change.

Starting an activity log. Trying to get some movement in every day. I started swimming and biking more often and meditated daily for a while. Why is this so hard to keep up?

Reading more. Discovering Unica Zürn (one of K. Schleinkofer's quotes for me was taken from her poetry).

The neighbours' lush raspberry bushes. Unfortunately they've put up a fence around them. My alternative: buying blackberries. They remind me of the summer holidays since we had a hedge in our garden and the berries would start to ripen in late summer.

An amazing back crack in yoga class when I was slowly coming out of plough pose. The other day I felt little currents in my back during an asana and was reminded of Bastien's healing story. Interesting.

Podcasts: Academy of Ideas and metaphysical gravity.

New lamps: one with marble and one with heavy glass and wood. Expensive but so worth it.

The sunlight hitting the structured surface of the paper I was writing on. Like a tiny shadow landscape.

Using essential oils before sitting down for meditation. I've enjoyed the Joe Dispenza morning/evening meditations recently.

Finding two issues of Visionen magazine on my way to school one morning.

An emotional flash of memories triggered by the smell of a candy wristband.

Picking up Katharina on a rainy Saturday afternoon. Getting a tour of her apartment. Noticing that a squirrel was sleeping in the bird house on her balcony! A lovely conversation during the drive to Filzhof. Realizing that she was the one who had the idea that C. and I might be good together. Baking a cake with her.

Sunday coworking with C., unearthing old flash games (but I paid the price for that because it reactivated my addiction to Blooming Gardens - it kept me from doing my work for the two following weeks); cooking for him (delicious coconut curry). Romantic: watching the the thunderstorm together loving, coco curry, Susi und strolch moment mit chips

The vintage furniture showroom on my way to school.

Dinner with Becky. Relating so much, as usual.

Thinking about C.G.Jung's musings on synchronicity and the anecdote of the scarab hitting his window pane while his patient was talking about the one she'd seen in her dream. That week I found a lot of these rose chafer beetles around my apartment and even drew one in my journal. The best part: giving it a shiny shell by applying some metallic green and gold eyeshadow on the paper.

Attending the opening of Karl Schleinkofer's exhibition at Odeonsplatz. I met Benni, Steffi and Lisa (who I haven't seen in a decade). Even our old professor Mr. Glas showed up and was so happy to see us. I remembered how eerily quiet Karl is. But I was really inspired by his work and texts and even got one of his catalogues to take home. Interesting: I discovered that the art market seems like a parallel world to me. I know it exists but I don't know my way around it. But found it so interesting to see the gallery, right next to Sotheby's for all that matters. I'd love to attend an art auction one day. AND learned that there is going to be a fantastic exhibition on Surrealism at Centre Pompidou in September. Weekend trip!

I've been journalling so much lately. Scrapbooking, really. Cutting up Sotheby's catalogues. It's like my little art collection.

Buying slender, pointy cutlery. I love using it.

Paying compliments to others. You're really lifting up your own mood, too!

Eating outside without any distraction.

Big salads, seed bread with roasted onions, bananas with sea salt and Monki tahin.

Swimming to de-stress. Even taking a scooter to the bath to get into the water sooner. Using my new apple shampoo; showering as long as I want to. Using all the water without shame. Noticing that I don't have issues with showering naked in public anymore.

Introducing the will-future by showing up as Madame Esmeralda again. My students had fun reading each other's fortunes!

The new gym near my house has planted wild flowers around the building instead of boring grass!

Erfurt: the guy who came after me with the water bottle I'd forgotten on the train - and the man who told the cashier I'd been there first!

Meeting a bunch of friends from my Hero's Journey seminar in Jena. Making a big batch of curry for everyone. At first it was a little weird but we got close to each other again in no time. I loved squeezing into the carousel on the playground together. A massage from Iko and Ludwig holding me through the Birds&Bees exercise. I was so lucky to get into a group with Simon and Ralf in the evening - we were so loving and playful with each other. The next day, I had a good conversation with Henrike (about my esoteric tendencies and that she thinks the world will change soon). And I found a great vintage colouring book on my way to the train station!

Making two designs for the Micro Burn wristbands on the train. I actually liked them.

Letting C. pick me up from the train station. Not going home that night.

An interesting research session with Ash. She threw in a little Q&A with her spirit guides and apparently my mum had a lot to say...

Babysitting Lian: going swimming together, playing in the water; grocery shopping, making pancakes for him. Chasing a hedgehog in the morning.

Making a project book for C.' Writing some heartfelt quotes on the first page.

Having some profound insights. Using therapy to sum them up and gain clarity (my therapist agreed with all of my observations and conclusions). It feels like I'm becoming someone new: more aligned with my essence. Closer to my true self. Getting to know myself better, finding out who I truly am on the inside. / I felt so emotional for hours after my last Somatic Experiencing and Craniosacral session with Elena. I felt sadness and cried on my way home, but also gratitude: for all the good things in my life, for C. (who is so good for my emotions, body, soul - not that stimulating for my mind, perhaps; but that's ok - my mind is my strength, I can take care of that myself). Something is shifting. I can honour the process I'm in. / I'm also slowly coming to terms with my changing friendships. I'm not trying to force it anymore. I like the van analogy I heard about a few days ago: that you're driving a van and some people move to the backseat after a while. They're still inside but you'll want someone new and more aligned with you on the passenger seat.

A beautiful drive to Midsomar Festival, listening to Marie's playlist. Attending the WUT collective workshops - realising I have something to say, and it's usually even thoughtful or funny; and that my superpower is critical thinking - I'll always find the error in a system. Talking to Kathi, Marah and Julia. About polyamory, our own tendencies, communal living. More: the cheeky cat logo of a beverage brand. And the DJ who played an awesome Sledgehammer remix.

Tanja's birthday party. Putting glitter on people's third eyes. Talking to Anneliese, the farmer who lives next door. The kids' fantastic soap bubble gun. Dancing. Putting my head on C.'s lap when I got tired. He even removed my hair clips for me.

Apnoe diving training with Uli. Meditating together during sunset. My makeshift weight belt. Working on this year's Playspace Bingo together. Long hugs.

My students writing naughty romance stories for me.

Learning about my birth tarot cards: Beyond Illusion/Judgement, and Inner Voice/High Priestess.

The Sing and Connect event with the Gospel'n'Soul choir. I was so emotional and started crying when they sang Lift Up Your Voices. C. was there for me. We watched the heavy thunderstorms from the car right before the rain hit. Cozy.

Watching Midsommar with C. I loved how open he was about being a little afraid when watching horror movies.

Finally selling my last pair of DocMartens boots.

Getting the intern to teach my English class. Mentoring her a little.

Picking up feathers everywhere I go.

Naps, resting. Lying under sun-warmed blanket.

A little love note from C. telling me that despite his crazy days at Fusion he sometimes thinks of me, smiles, and is looking forward to seeing me!

Wearing a red dress. Really feeling this colour right now. I've been happy with my outfits in general in the last few days: an apple green, short-sleeved sweater with my patterned black and white palazzo pants, wearing my mushroom dad shirt: and the manta ray blouse from Mexico with a relaxed blazer.

Eating pistachio ice-cream with Lena during her lunch break. Her late birthday gift for me: a copy of Girl, Interrupted and a gift voucher for the Munich Readery.

Observing my perfectionism and reactivity. Journalling about it.

Going to school by car to avoid taking subway (it's becoming harder and harder for me).

Writing the solutions for the Art exams. Actually having fun with it. But also: Getting it over with.

Shadows on my wall: the sparks, twigs from my plants, nice composition

Doris messaged me and asked me if I still wanted contact with her after all these months. We met on the last day of June. I loved how open she was and I'm happy that she is finally admitting to herself that she needs help.

Practicing my first headstand of the month. Ahem.

Ordering the Hilma af Klint altarpiece as a large canvas print for C. Surprise! I'm planning on building a shadow frame for it.

Picking a bunch of gorgeous yellow flowers and twigs with red berries on my walk through the forest with Do.

Taking my feelings seriously, writing about them. I have such a tenacious block around the wristband design which made me explore my perfectionism and tendencies to procrastinate hard things. I was so desperate, I even tried self-hypnosis.

Planning to start a Women's Circle once Celia is back in Munich.

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October Horrorthon - Top Horror Movies

Midsommar (2019) dir. Ari Aster “Dani, do you feel held by him? Does he feel like home to you?”

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It is this very third person, this magical mode, which seems to be dying out: novels in English in the twenty-first century are majority first person. This is a radical event in the history of literature, which demands explanation. Why do writers want to nix the unique capacity of fictional consciousness? Why in the course of explicitly dismantling narrativity as such do so many contemporary novelists also explicitly reject the notion of literary character, or plot, or the temporal duration with which the novel form is often associated?

Why Is Our Culture So Obsessed With Individual Experience? An interview with Anna Kornbluh

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A Rudolph Steiner interior in Dornoch, Switzerland. Photo by Deidi von Schaewen, via Commune.

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Lelet

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