#and i like my liver i don't drink for several reasons and that's one of them so im not gonna look into pill forms

[lightningfilledsaber]

I wanna and I gotta take my injection today but my knees hurt so fucking bad I don't want to also have a needle in my fucking leg

[oxygenbefore1775]

AoT characters as types of poisons

warriors edition!

cw: poisons and all the ways they could (and would) kill; also mention of abortion in zeke's hcs

a/n: as a pharmacy student i also have to study toxicology for some reason so what better way to apply my knowedge than to use it for some hcs; the thing on the divider is citric acid - it's not poisonous, it just looks cool

don't fucking get any ideas from this, it's all harmless fun, pls be reasonable

Annie

strychnine

you're nothing but a pesky vermin to it that needs to be mercilessly annihilated

it's actually been used as a performance-enhancing drug - you know, before people realized how fucking deadly it is

it's very versatile in the way it can enter your system, be it through inhaling it, consuming it or entering you via your bloodstream, even through the fucking eyes, the possibilities are endless

the only thing that's the same is your inevitable death

it's a neurotoxin class, meaning it's destroys the nervous system to the point that your brain can't send signals to the rest of your body which leads to paralysis

complete paralysis of the body, including the breathing muscles

i.e. you slowly die of suffocation all the while your airways are completely free and not blocked by anything and you stay perfectly conscious and aware of the each second you spend uncontrollably twitching

30 mins hardly pass between the first time strychnine enters your system and your death but it makes sure that each passing minute is agony for you

what's worse, there's no antidote against it - you are litteraly doomed the moment you come in contace with it

Bertholdt

acetaminophen aka paracetamol (or tylenol if you live in the us)

a wolf in sheep's clothing

harmless fella at the first sight and is actually nice for relieving different kinds of pain

but it has a dark side

it takes a LOT to get an overdose dangerous enough to kill you

and even then it wouldn't be followed by any symptoms for a whole week - it'd be just sitting there, gathering its strength for one powerful obliterating attack on your system

but when it kicks in, you're in for a lethal treat

your liver is the first to go down and sets off a whole chain of events with your kidneys and pancreas following suit and failing as well

the next thing to happen is that your blood gets too acidic for your body to handle and all the tissue near your blood stream (which is all the tissue in the organism) gets constantly irritated by the acids

the death is long-awaited, devastating and quite painful but it doesn't last that long - once the symptoms kick in, you'll be dead in the couple of hours

Colt

caffeine

a sunshine drug loved by everyone (but mostly young people)

it's everything a tired person could wish for - it energizes, it relieves pain, it gives you strength and motivation to live another day

don't mix it with alcohol though, it's a very bad idea

it basically creates the illusion that alcohol doesn't affect you which causes you to drink even more and you will be even more drunk than usual and a total wreck overall (and the hangover part won't be that nice)

it can't kill you that easily, you'll literally have to consume 70 cups of coffee in one sitting to even be close to death

the most fun symptom of it is eye flashes - not deadly, but definitely annoying

Pieck

nicotine

because zeke likes her :3

highly addictive and causes severe distress during withdrawal

only good for killing insects, pretty useless against people

it's very universal in its entry into the body - nasal, oral, dermal - and each means of consumption has its own perks

will take a lot to even reach an overdose, let alone the one that may be lethal

the worst immediate thing it can cause for you is headache and diziness

sure, it is harmful but you won't see the effects of it until couple of years in the future

but that's how it gets you - by being nice and pleasurable to consume

but - it works very well in combination with other poisons, especially if nicotine has been in the system for quite a long time

any poisons - nicotine prepares the turf for them and increases their effects tenfold

overall, it can be deadly but only with some other poison at its side

Porco

phosgen

it smells very nice (like fresh cut grass or hay)

a perfect warfare weapon

it's down to the earth so there's almost no chance you can escape it - it's moving fast and out there to kill you

its only way to enter the body is through your respiratory system

insidious little fucker as it's colorless and by the time you would notice it, it would be all to late

very-very reactive

basically burns the inside lining of the lungs and causes swelling of the airways at which point you die of suffocation since your body is physically unable to take a breath

it's a bloody death though as the damaged lungs are exposed to capillaris connected to them and as the result your lungs fill with blood that you helplessly try to expell ou of you with irregular coughs

Reiner

quicksilver

once useful and irreplacable, it slowly loses its advantage to the more modern findings of the civilization (just like rei and his armor)

absolutely harmless if consmed orally - you can litteraly eat a spoonful of it and it can do barely nothing to you

but once the heat is on, that's when it gets dangerous cuz it evaporates and that what kills you - quicksilver vapors

even in smal concentrations it can be deadly

one of the most prominent symptoms of quicksilver poisoning are the rosy color of the skin as if you were blushing and isomina

when the exposure is prolonged, it can cause depression among other things

the other thing is - once it enters your organism it will not exit it, there's no way to remove it, it will stay with you forever

it's not that it can kill you but the more severe the overdose is, the more you would be yearning for the sweet release of death

Zeke

digoxin (like i stated before in the convo with st)

also works a medication, a wonder-drug that's very versatile and can help with almost any heart disease

it's also used in abortions (how fitting)

it has a side-effect of enlarging breasts, be it female or male (lol)

a deceiving little fucker - you have to be very careful in order not to overdose and the intoxication can be chronic and proceed over the months

very intricate, it affects the body on a less than cellular level and fucks with the mechanism as sophisticated as electro-cardial processes of your heart

its main mechanism is inhibition, i.e. it litteraly doesn't let your body function at its normal rate, it controls you from now on

it strikes your heart first of all and you're litteraly left at the mercy of this traitorous drug as it controls your pulse

after a long torture where this drug constantly either accelerates or slows down your pulse

heart is all the flutter because of it, to sum up

the death is less-likely to happen but everything before that would be a fucking torture and you'll be surely living in misery

but one day it will stop your heart

feel free to request if you wanna see other categories of characters like 104th or the veterans - im open to ideas; ik it's pretty grim but it makes my monkey brain happy

[valeriefauxnom]

Possibly Picky Princes

You know, Euden's plurality when saying 'picky ones' is funny to me in implication. That means there are, of course, several in the royal family that are picky.

Now, Emile's obviously one of them since he makes his opinions clear on vegetables. His obsession over grape juice also reads like it might be a 'safe drink' for him.

But who is the other(s)?

Personally, I'm betting on Leonidas. His obsession with curry and his exacting standards for it kinda come across to me as if that's a food he's very very into because it's one of the 'good' foods he can tolerate. Something he has a lot of because so many other foods are bad to him for one reason or another.

I mean, come on, one of the only times he busts into full caps is this:

I think he's picky but just conceals it better than Emile in that he's taken charge of being able to prepare it to his liking and exacting quality standards himself while keeping his distaste for other foods quieter. And then to others it more reads as if he were just being a gourmand chef with standards.

So, kinda a case of 'I don't like what everyone else is fixing so I'm just going to make my favorite food myself the way I like it'.

Other than that I'm not really getting any particular picky vibes from anyone else in the fam. Euden is willing to try things like 'liver and algae' shake (with some prodding) even though he thinks it sounds 'like death', and the others don't particularly express many opinions regarding food or have a food or drink they obsess over.

So yeah that's my "Leonidas is a 'secret' picky eater" propaganda!

[mezmer]

Are there any solid studies on how kratom affects the body?? Everything online either hails it as the safest miracle substance or an evil opiate demon no inbetween.

Great question. I'm aware of this fact, and it has made my life more complicated and stupid than it needs to be. Massive post about kratom. Pls read whole thing so you can share this knowledge with others/use it to your benefit @lovecomesdown

Personally, no, I don't see solid studies very often, but I have peeped a few. Tbh, I'm not a big study guy anyway. I've spent hours and hours engaging in the community, talking to lifelong drinkers and drinking it myself. Here is an excerpt written by a researcher that I think sums up the scientific perspective (or lack thereof) perfectly: 'A growing number of studies, mainly of cross-sectional nature, describe the widespread use of kratom by individuals to self-treat pain, psychiatric symptoms, and substance use disorders (SUD) outside a controlled clinical setting. Preclinical evidence suggests kratom is effective as an analgesic agent and might decrease the self-administration of other drugs. A randomized controlled trial has further supported kratom’s therapeutic value as an analgesic. Investigations in nonclinical samples of long-term kratom users also indicate its therapeutic benefit in managing SUD symptoms (e.g., craving) and long-term or acute symptoms (e.g., withdrawal) for alcohol, opioids, and other illicit drugs. However, episodes of kratom-related intoxications have also been reported, often due to the adulteration and the contamination of kratom products mainly sold online or mixed toxicities when consumed outside clinical and traditional settings.'

I know you said you're interested in studies, and I just don't see them often. As for the latter portion of your message, I can give you some context. I think of myself and most other kratom advocates as having a nuanced perspective because we all want this plant to get to those who need it most, and that is that.

So for me? First of all, I will tell you that kratom is several times safer than opiates. It doesn't send me into a stupor or affect my cognition. Kratom has never caused me to nod off or feel high. I am able to enjoy my life free from the shackles of chronic pain. If I drank all day long, I might feel a little silly in the evening, but it is nothing like weed or alcohol. That is my little anecdote.

Here is another fact I will tell you, that I know to be true without a shadow of doubt. You cannot die from using kratom alone. It might turn you into the equivalent of a pothead or smoker who can't go anywhere without drinking some kratom first, but you will not die. It's a plant, and untreated, it doesn't appear to cause any serious health problems. I have seen studies that looked at liver levels of decade+ long users that show the liver is largely unaffected by Extreme kratom use. I can pull that up for you if you're curious. And more importantly, you cannot die from a kratom overdose. It is Physically Impossible. If you drink even just 10-15 grams of kratom powder, you will vomit it up and feel like crap for a few hours. Kratom can indeed make you nauseous. The LD50 of kratom (meaning you get a 50% chance of dying) turns out to be 50+ kilograms all at once. (one kilo of kratom lasts me over a month as a daily drinker for context) This is impossible. It is like trying to overdose smoking weed. Just isn't going to happen.

Furthermore, I've sat in on an American Kratom Association meeting and they stated that they'd looked at every single autopsy report 'involving kratom'. All of the toxicology reports had other substances, revealing kratom only to be a minimal commodity. There is no recorded death from only consuming kratom, regardless of what retarted shit you might see on the internet.

So why is kratom banned in a few states and countries? I couldn't fucking tell you, lol. It's probably just the same reason minors can't buy cigarettes and alcohol, and why you need a license to buy weed in some states, or places weed is illegal, etc. It got banned because it is HABIT FORMING. Regulators and advocates alike are too lazy or broke to put forward the effort into getting studies out that will make kratom officially medically viable on paper. Honestly, I am okay with that. I have my vendors and I can purchase it as needed. I don't think I would enjoy being prescribed kratom ...

Don't buy kratom from smoke shops, and always go with trustworthy vendors. Since kratom is literally not regulated by the state, there are a few shitty vendors who add things such as tianeptine (which still probably won't kill you) and other gross shit.i actually think this is quite uncommon, considering you can just Google safe kratom vendors and find them. That said, I have drank some rank ass cheap kratom, but it never made me feel high or anything other than kind of shitty. But still, don't do that. Buy from reputable vendors such as Wildcraft herb company (my number one, my great friends), WestKoast botanicals, or DowntoEarth botanicals. They lab test and will talk to you about where they source their leaf from directly. This is more than you'll get out of most food companies you probably buy snacks from, anyhow. Good luck asking your milk company what city they keep their cows in for that batch, or asking nestle to send a lab report of their cookies or whatever shit. Kratom vendors can be very wonderful people

I am a recovered fentanyl addict and I know in my heart that kratom is safer for each and every addict and chronic pain patient. It can't hurt to try it if you fit these descriptions.

That said, if you are not a chronic pain patient or a hardcore opiate addict, I wouldn't recommend trying it because there is a fair chance you'll find yourself dependent on kratom. It's very easy to do actually! Kratom does dance around in your opioid receptors. Kratom is so interesting in the way that it does this, though. Unless you get a really strong batch or take way too much, you aren't going to nod off, which is the prime characteristic of opiate use. You also don't feel that wave of cumshot ecstasy for hours like you would with an opiate. If you've tried kratom, I needn't explain, then. Not much to explain otherwise because it really isn't that intense of a feeling. It's like if Tylenol were actually good; it's like if you could take medications that actually treat chronic pain and be a responsible parent at the same time.

I'm apart of kratom communities outside of tumblr, I am friends with kratom vendors and bigtime advocates. I communicate with members of the American Kratom Association, and I am even in a facebook group for mothers who had consumed or are consuming kratom during pregnancy. If you want more info on that, I can tell you everything, but I don't see any need to include it here. Long story short, kratom is very unlikely to harm a child who is exposed to it in utero. Ideally, if you are a recovering addict who wants to stay clean using kratom while pregnant, you'd want to not buy the sketchiest shit possible, lol.

If you take a LOT, babies exposed to kratom in utero get WD symptoms, because people can too. That is why Kratom is habit forming. It can cause some discomfort when trying to come off of it. Quitting kratom is like quitting cigs no matter what "r/quittingkratom" tells you. As I said, unless you think kratom fits your needs as an addict or a chronic pain sufferer, or perhaps somebody with severe anxiety even (kratom does help that), I would not dip your toes in the water because kratom's benefits wouldn't be what you are looking for.

Hmm... I can't think of much else. I hope this post helped you and you can ask me any questions you want

[sophieinwonderland]

i need some advice.

my best friend is a system, and i get along with almost all of his alters. but one of them is very . . . destructive towards the body and doesn't consider how his actions affect them.

like, the body has had a liver transplant and this alter keeps wanting to drink or get drunk. he stays up late, leaving the body exhausted and weak. he drinks lots of soda and eats loads of unhealthy foods causing the body's blood sugar to go out of whack.

it's not so much that this alter is making unhealthy choices, but the body is severely ill and this alter makes choices that can and do make the body's illness worse.

is there anything i, someone outside the body, can do to support the whole system and help them keep this alter from hurting the host's body?

I think, to start with, the most important thing is just to figure out why he's doing this. Why he feels the need. People don't just do things for no reason. And I don't think you can really support your friends without understanding this.

Is he drinking a lot to dull memories? Is it self-medicating? Is it simply addiction?

And have the other members of the system actually set hard boundaries, or are they giving the okay behind the scenes?

I mean, addiction is tough. And unfortunately, a lot of it is bodily. I could easily see a situation where, if the addiction is bad enough, the host might switch out to let this other alter satiate that need. It's easy, when you want to do something irresponsible, to just say "I'm not going to do this because I'm the responsible one, but if you want to then I won't stop you, *wink wink*"

It's very possible that other alters, even the host, are enabling this sort of behavior.

I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but I just think you should make sure this isn't their situation before putting all the blame onto this one alter.

As for things like staying up late, could this be because he feels he doesn't have enough time to front during other periods? Is there a way to work out a schedule if they don't have one to let this alter have more time as long as he doesn't do things that might harm the body?

What sort of compromises can be reached?

is there anything i, someone outside the body, can do to support the whole system and help them keep this alter from hurting the host's body?

One important note on this... it's not the host's body. It's everyone's. Every alter is in the ship together. It's just that the host is the one who spends the most time in the driver's seat.

As much as I'd like to help, I'm not an expert in addiction or how to deal with it. I think that if you want to help your friends though, maybe a good place to start is learning more about how to help people in general who are struggling with addiction and other maladaptive behaviors, and then go from there.

[nightmaresmakeme]

Um so idk what this is, and idk if you'll figure out who I am but

I need advice

I go to a school that would make it quite easy to get into vaping— and idk wtf it would do but I want to try it

Bc I've always had this thing of wanting to be intoxicated

Whether it was alcohol, drugs, or anything else.

But I haven't done any of that, because I know it's bad, I'm a fucking minor

But I'm so done with this damn world, it's too shitty to get through sober

And I don't mean to put this in you so you can ignore my ass if you want

But yeah

That's all

What the fuck do I do

Ah ok uhhh

I cannot stop you from doing what you want and people find different ways to cope

However

Make sure you consider long term effects and how addictive some things can be

I started vaping at 16. I'm now 20. I'm still addicted to nicotine. I don't particularly care about quitting any time soon but that's a me problem. Don't be like me. Uh try to be healthy. You only get one body, try to be nice to it. If you want to be intoxicated I would try legal (it will still be illegal for you, but legal enough for 21+ humans) edibles honestly is the best case scenario. Smoking anything will cause lung damage and drinking kills your liver.

But

Both are better then smoking cigarettes or vaping honestly stay away from nicotine it's not a good enough pay off for the damage it does

There are no nic vapes and other similar products that can help with anxiety and such since they help you take deeper breaths and hold it due to inhaling something but they don't have nicotine or anything which would harm you really or get you addicted.

Drinking once in awhile is ok, Ive been told that by my doctor, but in moderation. Learn how to stop at a reasonable drunk and not drink yourself into a coma. And don't do it often, maybe like once or twice month at most. Your young so you'll recover well from light drinking but don't drink heavy because that my friend is not easy to recover from

Uhhh as far as drugs

Stick to like fucking weed if you do anything please

A little weed can be fun! It damages your lungs to smoke it but once in a while isn't horrible bad so that that how you will.

But please stay the fuck away from anything else at least until your older and your brain is more developed and you can think clearly about stuff. So many drugs are so addictive. It's not worth it. You could end up destroying yourself. Please dont.

Also if you need to talk about your feelings feel free to dm me or anon me again! Sounds like you have some things you might wanna talk about.

I don't know who you are however so you can stay anon if you want but I'm still here for you

Don't know why you would ask me for advice tho, I'm a dumpster fire of a human being. I've spent all day intoxicated. I should come with a giant "DO NOT TRY AT HOME" sign. Do not repeat my actions, they are those of a severely mentally ill person.

[indigoire]

So several months ago, I had a decent paycheck and went out to buy a bottle of my favorite rum from the liquor store, because I'm an adult, dammit. Now usually I get a 750ml size bottle (I just had to look up the sizes online), but several months ago I was cocky as shit and went "you know, I love this rum so much, it might be worth it to get the biggest bottle in the store". So I got the (I just took a trip to my cabinet to check) 1.75 liter bottle for some fucking reason!

I am not a big drinker. I don't drink much when I do drink. I usually drink to celebrate something and I like to drink with close friends if I can because it's particularly sad to drink hard liquor alone. I also haven't been drinking much since I got into edibles, trading one vice for another.

So after months of having this bottle, I still have about half of it left. And I'm coming up on the point of "...will this rum go bad if I don't drink it?" So I need help drinking the rum. Only I am so loathe to dump it. And I'm not a super social person so throwing a party and offering rum drinks is right out. It's a lot of rum. It's way too much rum tbh.

Either I'm gonna be drinking a lot more than I usually do (sorry in advance, liver) or I might have to actually dump close to a liter of rum down the drain (sorry in advance, rum).

[sabakos]

.

So the mountain dew thing I posted the other day is um. Hm. I'm going to turn reblogs off on that actually. It's very good I posted it and got to see people's reactions and I think I made some people laugh with how I presented it, don't feel bad if you reblogged it. but uh. yeah. Not only is it unfortunately true, if anything I downplayed it a bit and left out the parts that weren't funny. Which I now realize I don't really want to think about every time I check my notes tab for the next few weeks. I never kept count but I'm pretty sure I spent more than just a few nights in high school curled up in pain in front of the toilet. I lost over 50 pounds in a year from that.

Kind of maybe also some not-so-unintentional self-harm was going on there I think. It fits in a pattern with some other past habits of mine that I don't post much about because, well, I don't want to turn this into a trauma blog. If you really wanna know, I was a high-functioning alcoholic until age 26. Like, rarely sober outside working hours, most of my calories from alcohol level. End-stage. Due to other personal issues ("wait sabi, weren't you in a serious LTR then?" yes and also my mom was in a psych ward, we don't have time to unpack any of that), I quit drinking cold turkey in 2019 and realized looking through old pictures on my phone that I barely remembered most of what happened in college, let alone anything before that. I don't even know if it's technically amnesia, so much as dissociating so severely from my past. I had a "bit" of a major mental collapse in fall 2019 after quitting drinking as my mind slowly remembered how to have emotions, real clutch scheduling that right before a global pandemic.

Thankfully due to doing nothing for two and a half years, I remember most of college now, and I've been able to recover almost 3 full years of high school from basically fragments in the past year alone. My liver doesn't hurt anymore. I'm also physically repulsed by alcohol as a result of the withdrawal. But it's starting to get back far enough to start reminding me of the previous mental breakdown that I had in middle school that made me almost get held back in 8th grade. I... might decide I don't need to know about anything before that for a little while. Not sure I actually have the ability to make that decision though. It will work itself out nonetheless, it will just be less pleasant.

I've actually almost never actually been suicidal or intentionally thought "oh I'm doing this to hurt myself." But I'm not just shitposting about the whole body dysphoria thing, beyond any gender stuff I just also would prefer not to deal with being a body. I hate every photograph of me as soon as I take it, I can only bear to look at any of them once enough time has gone by that I can trick my brain into thinking it's not me. I believe I drank alcohol for the same reason I drank horrifying concoctions in high school and still sometime make too spicy food or eat so many sour patch kids and takis my mouth bleeds. I only hated the stomach cramps in high school because I didn't know why I had them, but when I finally vomited so hard I puked blood and burst blood vessels in my face, it felt good. I enjoy pain, I like the feeling that my body has been hurt when I'm the one directly causing it. I'm punishing it for existing. I know a couple mutuals of mine probably know exactly what I'm talking about based on their own posts. I also know now that I'm doing this, and that I need to stop doing it. I'm not too worried now that I've figured this out.

But also I think for the first time I can remember, I actively want to continue to exist. I know on some level that I need to accept that that will include my body and not just living out my social life on the internet. I... like other people, not just in a flirty way, and I know I'm saying this on Tumblr of all places but I promise if I ever meet any of you I'm one of the weirdest fucking interesting people you'll ever meet because it's what people are telling me all the time. I'm really shy and don't know how to initiate an interaction with a stranger, but if you can get me to say anything at all, I talk endlessly in my (apparently, strange) voice, I hold my body wrong in distracting ways, I abruptly change topics when I'm not supposed to. None of this occurs to me at the time I'm doing it, and I do know how to act correctly in any situation, I'm just wholly incapable of doing so. But somehow this reads as charming and eccentric rather than horribly rude to most people I meet? People tell me I'm the strangest person they've ever met as a complement. I don't really know why.

All the memories I've recovered have contradicted my past beliefs that I've always struggled to make friends. I think I just... didn't notice? But dozens of my peers consistently made the decision to go out of their way to spend time with me almost the whole time I knew them. I don't think that was out of sympathy, I sure wasn't the Special Ed kid. So I think I actually had close friends almost my whole life from age 10 onward, many of them even? all despite the fact that I wasn't really capable of consciously reciprocating a lot of the time, and that I totally forgot in the years since that some of them even existed until later. So I want to do that again somehow, have a bunch of people I know in real life that I'm close friends with. And actually realize it this time. And I hope I'm not deluding myself with what I remember, though I've been able to independently corroborate enough that I don't think so.

Anyway if anyone was curious, that's... most of my whole brain problems deal from the parts of my life I remember. Or as much as I can condense into a post anyway. Much of it was in fact rather happy and I usually present things in a much more positive light. This post was just not about that.

[ellemany]

We are Young - Part 1

- Let's celebrate my immortality!

 Yoru chuckled. Really.

 The kid was a real crazy. While Yoru was unhappy as he had no way to escape his untimely death, Phoenix was celebrating the fact that he would live forever.

 Life was never fair.

Available on Wattpad in Portuguese

Available on Ao3

Part 1

Recommended Music: Tempo Perdido - Legião Urbana

 It was a dangerous combination, drinking and smoking. Yoru even thought it was funny. Potentiating his premature death by fouling his lungs and ruining his liver.

 As his throat burned from the cheap beer, he looked down. His neck ached after staring at the sky for so long, full of stars he would never dream of seeing in Tokyo. However, the constellations were already blurring in his alcohol-blurred vision, causing him to feel terribly dizzy. Yoru forced himself to focus on the ground several feet below him. He could distinguish some trees but everything looked empty. A void.

 Yoru was familiar with that. Every time he entered the other dimension he was reminded that the void existed within him. And that, at some point, it would consume him. Swallow him until there's nothing left of him. He would get lost in the other dimension or be as broken as Omen.

 Yoru climbed onto the parapet of the building, sitting there. His legs dangled high and he swung them, following the movement of the wind that beat against his body. He put the cigarette in his mouth, looking at the horizon.

 It was just an impulse and he would finish his life's project. He was born to die.

 He took a long drink. His throat was burning, his lungs were hot. He thought dying could be pleasantly cold.

 - There you are. - A voice he knew well spoke behind him. - I finally found you. - Yoru took the cigarette out of his mouth as Phoenix approached him, leaning on the parapet beside him. - We were worried.

 Yoru looked at Phoenix sideways. Had Sage talked about what had brought him here? His isolation had an obvious reason this time.

 - I just wanted to be alone. - He replied without ignorance. He was too tired to be annoying right now.

 - Gotcha… - Phoenix nodded slowly and pointed at his beer bottle. - Can I?

 Yoru found it disgusting to share food like that. But he was already too high to complain.

 He passed the bottle silently to Phoenix, slowly exhaling through his parted lips.

 - Thanks, bro... - The Brit drank from the bottle. He grimaced, looking at the label on it. - This sucks...

 - I know. - Yoru nodded slowly. - It's awful.

 - Why do you do this to yourself? - Phoenix asked, but drank again, returning the bottle to Yoru.

 The Japanese shrugged, bringing the bottle to his lips.

 - I don't have much to lose.

 They were silent, looking at the horizon. Phoenix climbed onto the parapet beside Yoru, balancing there.

 - We heard behind the door your diagnosis. - Phoenix admitted, looking down at his feet as he walked across the parapet.

 - It doesn't surprise me. - Yoru sighed. - Have you come to say that I won't die forever? - Yoru put his cigarette in his mouth, dragging some more. - Will Sage find a magical way to resurrect me when my body doesn't have the slightest condition to sustain itself?

 - No. You will die. That's the shit. - Phoenix shrugged, balancing on one foot on the ledge. - I came to celebrate.

 Yoru frowned. That one was new.

 - Let's celebrate what? That the radianite in my body is going to kill me? That every time I enter the other dimension I'm digging a little more of my grave? - Yoru took the cigarette out of his mouth and brought the bottle to his lips, but stopped in the middle of the movement. He looked at the two objects, as if unsure what to do. - That I'm useless trash? That of so many people who could be radiant, a shit like me ended up with powers that would kill me?

 Yoru decided to drink, taking two big gulps. Phoenix pulled the bottle away from him before he finished all that awful booze on his own. The Japanese turned to the other, grimacing.

 - Damn... - Phoenix gave a mischievous smile, playing with the bottle - I know you're egocentric, but megalomaniac? - He threw himself on the ground, sitting next to Yoru. - No, asshole. This is about me. - He drank the beer. He closed his eyes tightly, as if that would alleviate the bad taste.

 Yoru watched Phoenix, slowly bringing the cigarette to his lips. He wondered if there were still any functional neurons in that head.

 - That's even worse. - He commented, taking a drag and then taking the cigarette out of his mouth.

 Phoenix took the bottle away from his mouth, chuckling. He lowered his head, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. Yoru blew out the smoke with a puff, not taking his eyes off Phoenix.

 - Because isn't it about you?

 - Because it's about you.

 The Brit laughed again, resting one hand on his chest. He threw his head back, looking up at the sky.

 - I'm the protagonist, bro. It's all about me.

 And he even had the audacity to tell Yoru that he was the megalomaniac.

 - Phoenix… - Yoru spoke with a sigh, as if explaining something to a child for the millionth time. - We are not in an fps game where you are the protagonist.

 - Umm... - The Brit shrugged, drinking the last of his beer. - That's what you say...

 Yoru raised his eyebrows and turned his gaze. He hated to admit he wanted to be as stupid as Phoenix. The Brit naturally believed his own words. He really thought he was the badass.

 Yoru... Well... Yoru wavered between thinking of himself as a god and hating himself completely. Sometimes he was on top of the world and sometimes he thought he was mediocre. He'd already kicked the inert bodies of his clones more than once out of sheer anger at himself in the moments when he hated himself.

 This was one of those moments.

 - I must be a pretty shitty character then... - Yoru muttered, looking at the treetops. - The ones nobody chooses... And nobody cares…- He rocked back and forth, his gaze dispersed. He was getting sleepy. She smirked, thinking it would at least be funny if he fell from that height because he'd taken a nap.

 Phoenix turned to the other, blinking. He leaned towards Yoru, watching him closely.

 - If you saw what I see in you... - Phoenix's tone of voice made Yoru turn to him. He struggled to focus on his face, even though he was close. - You wouldn't say that...

 Phoenix's intonation, along with his closeness, made the Japanese boy's ears get red. Yoru swallowed, lowering his eyes to Phoenix's hands next to him. Yoru took one of his hands, making him leave his palm up. He stubbed out the cigarette in Phoenix's palm. The Brit sighed, feeling the fire run through his skin. It was like a hot kiss. Phoenix had some weird fire-related quirks that Yoru just accepted. One of them was to serve as a cigarette extinguisher.

 - What are we going to celebrate? - Yoru tilted his head to the side, leaving the cigarette in Phoenix's hand.

 - Oh! - Phoenix smiled excitedly, squeezing the cigarette in his hand and keeping it on Yoru's leg. - Let's celebrate my immortality!

 Yoru chuckled. Really.

 The kid was a real crazy. While Yoru was unhappy as he had no way to escape his untimely death, Phoenix was celebrating the fact that he would live forever.

 Life was never fair.

 - Cool, right? - Phoenix smiled at the other, tilting his head to the side. - That is a reason to celebrate!

 Yoru gave the other a mocking smile. Phoenix's absurdity was enough for Yoru to regain some lucidity. It was a novelty.

 - Of course it is! Just wait a few years and you'll finally get rid of us all. It will be fun as hell! - Yoru thought of a world without others. No Brimstone picking on him. No Jett bothering him. No Neon forcing him to watch cheesy doramas. A dream and a nightmare at the same time.

 - Yea. - Phoenix nodded, as if Yoru's irony didn't bother him at all. - You all will die and I will live. For many, many years. Oh man, it's going to be awesome. - He lifted his hand and opened it, letting the cigarette ash fly in the wind.

 Yoru watched Phoenix for a few seconds, his smile fading. He didn't know a heart could ache like that for something uttered with such enthusiasm. He had no idea Phoenix's words could cut more than razors.

 - Is this serious? - The Japanese spoke low, facing the other. 

 Phoenix bit his lower lip, eyeing Yoru with amusement.

 - Damn… - He sniffed, rubbing the back of his hand across his nose. - I love seeing your reaction when I say that shit.

 Yoru let out a breath, turning to face forward. He was feeling cheated and... Idiot.

 Phoenix was contagious.

 - I'm not happy about it, dummie. - Phoenix flicked Yoru's ear. The Japanese practically growled at the other. - I told you, I'm the protagonist. I'm not one to be sad about the "curse" - Phoenix made quotes with his hands. - of immortality. - The Brit smiled again. Yoru wrinkled his nose, trying to understand the other's reasoning. With the drunkenness caused by alcohol in conjunction with nicotine, that was no easy task. And when it was about Phoenix, understanding anything was even worse. - I... I thought a lot about what I was going to do, you know? - Phoenix's eyes became opaque for a moment and Yoru noticed him wither in his usual joy. It was strange to see Phoenix like that. As if he was out of place. - When the time of the others runs out... And I have all the time in the world... I mean... What would I do for so long? I'm not that creative, oddly enough. - Yoru took a deep breath. He was starting to get a headache. - Then, I was on Tumblr the other day...

 - Do you still use Tumblr? - Yoru interrupted him, looking at Phoenix in disbelief. - Who the hell still uses Tumblr?

 - I'm like a vampire. Of course I use Tumblr! - Phoenix looked at Yoru as if he was the idiot.

 - The concept of vampire… - Yoru started to speak, pinching the bridge of his nose, but Phoenix cut him.

 - Shut up and whatever. I was on Tumblr... - Yoru took a deep breath again, resting his chin on his fist, trying to focus his gaze and his thoughts on that crazy guy. - Then I saw one of those lists of things to do before I die. So I thought "Wow, that's it! I'm going to make all these lists!". - Phoenix smiled excitedly, happy to explain his idea. - But then I realized that those things... Those dreams... They didn't mean anything to me... They just meant so much to the people who wanted that. Then, I had a better idea.

 - Help people finish their lists? - Yoru tried to guess the end of the story, already wanting to get out of it.

 - Heavens, no. - Phoenix grimaced, looking Yoru up and down. - You think I'm that cliché?

 - Actually...

 - You don't have to answer. - Yoru pressed his lips together, resting his chin on his fist, looking at Phoenix. - I will steal the childhood dreams of the people I like.

 Yoru raised his eyebrows. He didn't know which was worse. Semi-drunk Phoenix with freak talk or Philosopher Drunk Killjoy. Well... He was the guy who got sad when drunk, so there wasn't much to complain about.

 - Just what I need... - Yoru grumbled, looking for his beer bottle. He was disappointed to realize that it was over. He needed something else to get him drunk besides talking to Phoenix.

 - Cool, huh? - Phoenix smiled, super proud of himself. - I already have Jett, Neon, Sova, Sage, Breach, Reyna... - Phoenix counted the people he remembered on his fingers, frowning in concentration. - Oh yeah, Raze too. Brim and Viper didn't want to tell me, but I'll bore them until they do.

 - Yeah... - Yoru stopped mid-sentence, looking at Phoenix. Damn, he was serious.

 - Let's celebrate today. Because you will die and I will live your dream. - Phoenix smiled, approaching Yoru. - Tell me, what is your dream?

 Yoru felt his ears heat up at the proximity of Phoenix. The brown eyes gleamed like a child's, full of hope and energy. The smile on the Brit's lips was that of someone playing at being serious.

 Yoru looked away, pulling away a little. He wanted to be like Phoenix. And he would die before admitting it to himself.

 - I don't have one. - He spoke dryly. He reached into his pants pocket, looking for a pack of cigarettes.

 - Well man, everyone has one! - Phoenix rested his cheek on his hand, looking at Yoru. - Let's try again. What did you want to do when you grew up? 

 Yoru thought about his childhood. It was like something far away, a landscape on the hazy horizon. He forced himself to search for a memory. The memory of when he had the same look as Phoenix and a pure mischievous smile. He liked to play...

 Yoru shrugged, reaching for a cigarette.

 - You were a boy who lived locked up at home. - Phoenix rolled his eyes. - I can't tell you about the others. I'll tell you mine.

 - Why does everything have to be about you? - Yoru raised an eyebrow, putting the cigarette in his mouth and handing it to Phoenix.

 - Because it's all about me. - The Brit smiled excitedly, creating a flame on the tip of his index finger. He lit Yoru's cigarette, waving his hand to put out the flame. The small kindness helped Yoru not roll his eyes at Phoenix's arrogance. - I wanted to be famous.

 - Congratulations. - Yoru grumbled, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and letting out the smoke as he spoke. - You got what you wanted.

 - Right? - Phoenix spoke with animation. - It's better than I imagined!

 Yoru recalled that Phoenix became famous worldwide for allegedly being one of the culprits for making an entire city literally blow up in the air. He was still amazed at how he tried to find some logic in Phoenix's thinking.

 - And when the applause ends? - He glanced at the horizon, feeling melancholy at the sight of the stars. He was looking at a space graveyard. - You don't think it will stay... Vain?

 Phoenix chuckled. He was infectious enough to make Yoru smirk, as if he'd just told a joke.

 - No. Bro! - Phoenix pushed Yoru lightly, shaking his head. - I'm amazing and I have a…family… - The smile Phoenix flashed was a smile of contentment, as if he was grateful that he could only use the word. - As incredible as… - Phoenix nodded as if he'd come to a conclusion. - You are going to die. And I'll keep everyone alive with me. Right here. - He placed a hand on his chest, making his jacket glow a little.

 Yoru put the cigarette in his mouth, taking a long drag. He remembered his Butsudan in his apartment in Tokyo. Where he carefully kept photos of his parents and made sure of always talking to them when he got home. He remembered the many funerals he had attended as a boy and how he had been told that death was a continuation of life. Phoenix, a somewhat clueless Brit, knew how to honor him when he died. In such a touching way that Yoru couldn't feel anything but gratitude. The heat of happiness in his chest overcame the nicotine burn.

 Yoru took the cigarette out of his mouth, puffing out smoke as he spoke.

 - I wanted to be the best thief in the world. - He spoke sincerely, giving a nostalgic smile at the end of the sentence. He liked to play cops and thieves. With him being the thief generally.

 - Really? - Flames danced in Phoenix's eyes with obvious interest. - Why?

 Yoru pursed his lips a little, feeling his ears heat up. Saying that would seem so silly...

 - I liked crime stories. I liked the style of thieves, with those nice suits and fancy cars... - He smirked. - They looked at others as if they were smarter than everyone else. And they were. They made perfect crimes... - Yoru put the cigarette in his mouth, taking a drag. - I wanted to be like that. The smartest, most stylish guy in the room, without being the good one. - He rolled his eyes, giving a slight smile. - I wanted to commit a perfect crime. A big one. That everyone wonders how it happened, but they never find out... Or who did it. - Yoru looked at Phoenix, giving a shy smile. - When I finished the work, I would go back to my house as if nothing had happened. I would go to the corner store. There would be two guys at the cashier talking about how the crime happened, while it was all on TV. And I'm glad because I know how it happened.

 - Damn... Crazy, bruv.

 Yoru broke the smile, turning around and putting one hand in his jacket pocket. He stubbed out his cigarette on the ledge between them, crushing it against his palm.

 - It's silly. I know.

 - I loved it.

 Yoru turned to the other, wrinkling his nose suspiciously.

 - Yeah... Really? - He spoke cautiously, looking at Phoenix.

 - Yea! - Phoenix shook his head quickly, his smile contagious enough for Yoru's lips to twitch in a smile as well. - You are so cool, bruv! Only you who can't see! - He punched the other's shoulder, tilting his head to the side. - I will do what I can to make your dream come true.

 Yoru blinked a few times, feeling his chest burning. He felt warm, in a good way. For a moment, he thought Phoenix was his sun. He warmed him from the inside out, rather than allowing him to survive.

 Phoenix made him want to live.

 - That's… - Phoenix continued, as if he'd thought of something. - If you don't do it first.

 Yoru shook his head, thinking about what he had confided in Phoenix.

 - It's going to be complicated.

 - It’s easy! - The Brit jumped from the parapet of the building, standing on the ground behind Yoru. - Just start small. - He extended his hand to Yoru, giving him an inviting smile. - As Nathan Drake would say, Sic Parvis Magna.

 Yoru smirked, taking Phoenix's hand and stepping down from the ledge with him. He remembered the game they'd ended together, alternating the times each would have control.

 - Greatness from small beginnings. - He let himself be pulled by Phoenix.

 - Will we be prosecuted for this? - Phoenix made a thoughtful face, walking with Yoru. - Our company shouldn't be Sony... Not even Valve... Could it be EA?

 Yoru sighed. Not that again.

 - What do you want to do anyway?

 Phoenix grinning mischievously, opening the door for Yoru.

 - You'll see, little thief.

>>> Next Part

[seacharms]

Fighting back against the bully

Could you make, Namjoon ff when your daughter is bullied a lot at school but one day she punches the girl who bullied her really hard and her nose starts bleeding, that's why you both were asked to meet the principal otherwise your daughter will be suspended but then your daughter tells you both and the principle about the bullying and Joon starts scolding the principle? etc. (PLSSSS DO THIS ONE>>>>>IVE BEEN UR FAN FOREVER!! … I PURPLE U❤🤞)

~Sure :)~

Recently you both noticed your daughter coming home from school late, she said that she had been studying with her friends in the library but you knew that it wasn't true. One day he walked into her room while she was doing her 'make up' (basically she was covering the harm marks on her face). "Honey come for dinner!" Namjoon said happily as he bust open her room door. "DAD GET OUT! THIS IS THE 4TH TIME THAT YOU'VE CALLED ME!! I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO COME FOR DINNER!!!!!" she screamed at him, making him flinch. He thought that she just needed some space, he left her room disappointed. The next day......

~Time skip~

(Y/D/N's POV)

"Hey, loser! did you really think running to the classroom where our teacher was sitting would save you?! You are so wrong *evil laugh*" said the bully, she dragged me to the bathroom and punched me really hard on my stomach and chest then she tied my hands with something then she took a water bucket and she poured it all on me, and made me drink something forcefully, she then slapped me and continuously started jabbing my back. I HAD ENOUGH!! I punched her on her nose and slammed her on the wash basin which made her entire face bleed, then I took some water and splashed it on her face the same way she did to me. Suddenly a teacher entered the bathroom and saw that stupid girl's face bleeding and both of us were soaked. The next thing you know is that we both were in the head office and my parents were called, she just kept ranting about me to the principal and making it look like it was all MY fault. I felt like I should've stabbed her with a knife. The principal sent her home, but I WAS STILL STUCK IN THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!! My parents reached school and my dad looked ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS, I got really scared cuz, I have never in my life seen him THIS ANGRY!

(Y/D/N POV ends)

Namjoon was furious! you tried to calm him down so that he doesn't lose his temper in front of the principal. "So the reason I called you both here is to discuss Y/D/N's behavior toward other students for example she was caught beating a student up miserably in the washroom. That girl's face was utterly bleeding nonstop, she was sent home because the injury was severe. We suspect her of hardcore bullying toward colleagues, classmates, and teachers. Therefore we will have to expel her from this school permanently." The principal said as he gave an annoyed look to you. Your daughter just broke down and started justifying herself, "THAT GIRL DRAGGED ME INTO THE WASHROOM AND STARTED HARMING ME, STABBING MY LEG, BACK AND EVEN PUNCHING MY LIVER, ABDOMEN, STOMACH, AND CHEST!! SHE MADE ME DRINK SOMETHING HORRIBLE AND SHE EVEN TIED MY HANDS... I SOMEHOW FREED MY HANDS AND DID ALL OF THAT IN SELF - DEFENCE BUT NOBODY WAS THERE TO HEAR ME SCREAM WHEN I WAS GETTING HARMED BY THAT DEVIL!! ONLY WHEN I HIT HER BACK, A TEACHER WALKED IN!!!". Namjoon was more than surprised and angry but the moment your daughter lifted her shirt a little bit to show the blackish blueish purple marks, Namjoon lost it! "DO YOU NEED MORE EVIDENCE?! MY DAUGHTER IS BULLIED EVERY SINGLE DAY AND THIS SCHOOL DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO PROTECT HER BUT THE MOMENT SHE TRIES TO DEFEND HERSELF, YOU EXPEL HER!!" You didn't want to keep quiet so even you joined the argument, "WE DON'T NEED SUCH A SCHOOL, BEFORE YOU CAN EXPEL HER, WE WILL REMOVE HER FROM THIS SCHOOL... YOU CAN'T EVEN PROTECT YOUR STUDENTS!!" after saying this you three left the premises of the school and your daughter just collapsed on the ground and started crying from pain and regret and she started to blame herself for making you guys come to the office and fight with the principal. "Sweety, remember that we will forever support you and you are never alone until we both are alive," You said as you wiped her tears and lifted her from the ground. Namjoon's face softened and he pulled you both into a huge family hug.

THE END!!

~Hope y'all enjoyed reading! I know that this is longer than the Jimin ff but the request for this one was more deep and specific so I could write more. Please make sure to ask in a very descriptive way while sending your requests. (I hope I don't sound rude).

[meditating-dog-lover]

Health update

I've been feeling well today, just a bit itchy.

It feels like I'm experiencing allergies - I'm getting itchy rashes and scratches on my body, my nose is red and itchy, and my eyes are red and watery. I'm not sure what's causing this.

I've had this happen before, but now it is no where near as inflamed. So that's promising.

I know I said earlier that I believe my skin rashes and eczema are hormonal. My doctor says I have estrogen dominance and recommended I take DIM. The supplement itself also has nutrients that support liver detoxification. This is one of the reasons why estrogen can buildup - the liver needs support. I don't drink and I don't eat a lot of junk food, but I feel like some sort of support here and there can help.

Fasting made my eczema and rashes much worse because it caused hormone imbalances.

Though it's not strictly hormonal - I do have elevated IgE, histamine, and eosinophils based on my blood work. So this is allergy related as well. Actually, estrogen dominance can play a role in increased histamine overload, and therefore allergic reactions and skin inflammation. Here's an article describing this:

It makes sense. I see a lot of symptoms online for estrogen dominance like weight gain, painful periods, tender breasts, PCOS, hormonal acne and low sex drive. Mostly symptoms that are women's hormones-related and not so much allergies and skin inflammation. I read a lot of articles saying that estrogen actually promotes oils that protect the skin and low estrogen causes dryness. This is the complete opposite of what I'm experiencing. So it's not it. But it's moreso elevated estrogen possibly triggering allergic reactions and eczema.

I have extrinsic eczema because I have high IgE, eosinophilia, elevated histamine, and filaggrin gene mutation (thanks mom).

It's really a cycle - insufficient liver support -> not enough estrogen being removed from the body -> estrogen dominance -> histamine and allergy issues -> eczema. Again I may not have any liver issues because I don't drink, but it's a busy organ that filters so much junk. So getting a boost/detox here and there can help.

Meanwhile I've been taking an anti-histamine. I'm quitting my steroids. Regardless of some of the lingering inflammation, my skin is much better compared to how it was last month. I know I'm healing myself when I quit fasting. DIM can help even more in the context of further hormone balance and managing allergies/histamine mediated by excess estrogen.

While easier said than done, it can help to minimize exposure to xenoestrogens. We got a new water filter and I drink from a glass bottle. If I can switch from plastic to glass, that will help a lot.

I'm going to heal. I'm going to do my diagnosis in a week. I'm also going to go for a followup in a month of taking the DIM supplement and cycle fasting. Everyday I see myself heal more and more.

I'm confident in my image and body now. I know this is dumb, but I do want to slim my calves. I'll see how to deal with this but it's not a priority. I want to go the dentist with my mom. But this is a last priority. Mainly because it actually is and isn't as prioritized now as much as my skin, hormones, and psychological wellbeing. And because I had a cleaning 3 fucking months ago. This really can wait. I broke out in severe skin inflammation and almost considered an unaliving plan because of my recent psychological distress and now have to take meds to feel okay. My teeth can wait.

It won't hurt to get my progesterone levels higher as well. So I know not fasting for a long time will reduce my cortisol levels which will in turn increase my progesterone levels. There are foods that support estrogen and progesterone levels and I'll look into those.

My diet is great. Yes I had a mini Crumbl cookie today. I'm at a point where I do not crave junk food anymore but will have a small piece when I want it. For instance I wanted a cookie today, but did not want anything else sweet. I've been in a cookie mood recently. While my diet is great now and I don't eat a lot of junk, I know sometimes I'll want a sweet or savory snack/meal and so I'll find a way to find a balance there. My anti-inflammatory diet hasn't really done much for my skin. Again that's moreso hormonal and allergy mediated. So quitting my fasting helps a lot, and DIM will help next. But not fasting alone will do wonders and will take some time for the inflammation to subside. Even better if I can reduce my estrogen (and increase my progesterone if possible) and manage my allergies and support my liver.

[imarawbu]

I watched the Baby reindeer show on Netflix that's been going around my recommendations for a week or so.

Most of it I didn't relate to, maybe because the main character was a man, maybe because I don't find non-Muslims behaviors something I can identify with, since most of my adult life I have been Muslim. I'm referring to drinking, drugs, and hookups plus all the issues these cause as a result. I know I will sound insensitive, but I don't see how this guy messed up his life so badly before the abuse started happening.

I will admit, my ex did use these things as an avenue to abuse me however, I have an enzyme mutation that rapidly breaks down drugs and alcohol much faster than normal. So I experienced little to no effects from drugs or alcohol he tried to force me to take so he could take advantage of me- he said so himself to multiple people, he wanted to get me high or drunk so he could take advantage of me. Not sure why for that specific reason as he was already taking advantage of me, when I started telling him I wouldn't let him do it anymore, he responded by raping me or forcing me in some way to tell me he was the one in charge. He used to force me to do some sort of sex act before I would go to work. I was the one working and providing for us and he had to make sure I knew who was the "man." He took every chance to try to force me or some how coerce me, and then settled with raping me- even after the divorce and I still had to deal with him because he owed me money. He was a severe porn addict as well.

It's sad he was my first love and first everything because all my "firsts" were horrible.

Maybe the other part I related to to an extent was his drive to , "figure out" why she is the way she is and sympathy for her despite the fact she doesn't deserve a single ounce of it. Maybe she was a victim once but now she was clearly an abuser and worthy of no emotions from anyone.

I spent a lot of the relationship trying to figure out what was actually wrong with him and how to fix it. He was diagnosed as schizophrenic but when he takes antidepressants, he is normal. These wouldn't help at all if he was actually schizophrenic. He also didn't display all the symptoms of schizophrenia. I've been in a lot of psych wards and met many schizophrenics medicated and unmedicated. He wasn't similar to any of them except when he was high on stimulants, which this condition has a name, stimulant psychosis. He was paranoid, sometimes delusional, and had odd behaviors when he was unmedicated but I think he was more alone the lines of schizoeffective or more likely he had underlying mental health issues but had been using drugs to medicate himself and he had medicated for so long and so much he had brain damage. His drug of choice was Adderall/stimulants, taking too much of this destroys your dopamine receptors in the brain and there is a connection between dopamine receptors and behaviors that are seen in schizophrenia. If you are familiar with meth heads, it's the same when it comes to Adderall. He also heavily abused weed starting from 16 years of age, so that's 15 years. He is a textbook case that weed is not harmless. He has severe arrested development, which means his frontal lobe is under developed due to drug use, this is something that happens with underage weed users. He also had a huge drinking issue but that's probably a problem that will show up in his liver later in life, as he will drink an entire six pack in one sitting and maybe half a thing of vodka if he doesn't feel drunk enough. There were lots of other things.

His mental health problems came about from his first relationship with his ex-girlfriend who was very abusive to him and used him repeatedly. She got him into drugs and drinking, she was a drug dealer. Convinced him to run away from him family and drop out of high school. He was 16 at the time and she was 18, she hid him in her parents house because his parents didn't like that he was with a white girl and white trash at that. She cheated on him many times in their 5 years relationship. They remained friends after she broke up with him for 4 years but she used him to get money, which he stole or manipulated from his parents, brother, or sister. The last time, she used him to take her to Italy where she married some guy she had been taking to and had him arrested for stalking. The Italian court threw the book at him and jailed him for 2 years there. After he got out, he decided to roam around Italy homeless for another year. He finally came home for his brother's graduation. He came back to the US about a year before I met him. He refused to admit or help himself so I got tired and stopped caring, then left. Interestingly, he's the middle child, favorite to none but his maternal grandmother (mother's favorite was his brother, father's favorite was the daughter), the one who got punished the most as a kid, and his mother even said it was a shame because he was the sweetest and kindest of all her kids, it was his brother who was the mean one.

With my husband, I know he had lots of problems in life due to how he looks and what his status was in the family until he became successful. He only had his smarts which still got him made fun of. He revealed some things throughout our relationship and later marriage, usually to belittle the things I've gone through. That's about all I know and I don't really care. Once you start caring, then you are trapped trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. I don't care if he ever was a victim because he has chosen to be an abuser.

[nathank77]

3/19/24

3:48 a.m

So I've been on methimazole for over a month now.

Thankfully Quest goes back really far, far enough that I can see my thyroid levels and my ast, alt which are liver levels that were taken when I was on methimazole. Methimazole has one side effect that can kill you. It can raise these levels and actually cause death.

I was on methimazole in 2017-2018 briefly for 6 months. There might have been a brief point where I stopped methimazole somewhere between September and January cause my thyroid level randomly went from being in normal range to hyper. The first bloodwork results were hyper. One month later I was normal level. The next month I was severely hyper. The following month I was back to normal. I don't remember if it stopped taking it but I think I did. And then restarted it for my testosterone script bc hulinsky was threatening not to perscribe it to me if I didn't treat my thyroid.... which is inevitably why I ended up finding another doctor willing to perscibe testosterone and then started seeing my endocrinologist for my untreated thyroid a few years ago.

Anyways in January 2018, my alt and ast and Alkaline phosphate all liver levels were incredibly high in that month.

From examining my levels, overtime my Alkaline phosphate was high for quite sometime but sometime during 2023 it was normalized..

My alt and ast was incredibly scary high in January 2018.. and hulinsky canceled my upcoming appt and I stopped the meds immediately and then found a different doctor. I didn't actually stop Methimazole over weight gain. I stopped bc my liver levels were abnormally high and thats what you're supposed to watch closely when on methimazole as it can kill you.

So to summarize, those levels were high then but I was on 20 mg Methimazole once or twice daily. Maybe it was the high dose Methimazole. Maybe I'm one of those people who have their liver levels raise on Methimazole.

I'm on 5mg of it now. A much smaller dose. And we are obv going to monitor my liver levels. I'm hopeful that they stay normal. This is the least invasive option for me to treat my thyroid. And regardless of it cures psychosis which at this point I don't expect it to cause its about the same. Marginally better but every month it gets marginally better...I'm planning to stay on methimazole and be healthier.

Another way I'm taking better care of myself. Regardless of weight gain and or loss, right now it's loss but yea I'm planning to stick the course.

Hopefully my liver levels stay normal.. If they don't I'm going to have to get off Methimazole and then, consider thyriodectomy or Radioactive Iodine... or not treating it....

I do remember I drank semi regularly when I was on methimazole. I don't think it was often but it may have been once or twice. Either way it could have not helped...

I haven't drank so much as a beer since having psychosis. And I won't drink until I recover and months later. So I hope that's the reason why.

I don't want to do radioactive idioine cause then I have to get a hotel for like a week so I don't expose others to radiation but if it was an option I'd chose it to be honest.... I'm going to weight if this is possible. I have no savings. So yea...

I def don't want to do the thyroidectomy. As they removed prob the whole thyroid.. and regardless of if they remove the whole damn thing or part of it. I'll be reliant on medication that'll if I go without I'll actually die.. if I don't have a thyroid. That would be the case for radioactive idioine as well cause it would destroy my thyroid.

The major draw back of removing my thyroid besides not having a thyroid and being reliant on meds is- the surgery involves going around the vocal chords.

Everything would probably go fine but if they ruin my voice I'd fall apart.

I love myself so fucking much and one of my favorite things about myself is my voice. I'd have to try to go to yale if my insurance even covers yale...

Either way I'm jumping the gun. I would also consider letting my thyroid go hyper again as I'd prefer minimally invasive and a hotel room for a week isn't feasible but my vocal chords would be safe and I wouldn't need to recover from a major surgery.

Talking about it helps as I know it could happen but I'm not going to worry until it does. I lived 7 years without treating my thyroid and if it happens I can get off Methimazole and weigh the options over time.

Speaking of my thyroid I haven't noticed much of a difference in anything except three things, my appetite is going down, I get cold more often, and lastly my heart rate does not need metoprolol anymore.

[janeaustenprotagonist]

"and he said "it's supposed to be fun turning 21"

the annual birthday breakdown.

you hear all these people talking about what if you talked to 14 year old you, what would they say? well 14 year old me would be disappointed in us. 14 year old me would wonder why I haven't gone to the golden globes, or emmys, or tonys. 14 year old me would ask why we didn't get into college for opera and why we didn't get into the program. they'd ask why I'm in a wheelchair bc we're perfectly "able bodied." they'd ask why I'm sick bc we're "not sick." they'd ask why were not famous yet. they'd ask why we haven't been successful yet. they'd ask why am I considering alternative career routes bc "there can't be any backup plans, then you won't make it." they'd ask why I'm not living in New York. they'd ask why I don't have an agent. they'd ask why is all the sides and scripts and sheet music just collecting dust. they'd ask why I failed to live out our dream.

my mother came to me the other day and asked what I wanted to do for my 21st birthday. I said I didn't know I wasn't really thinking about it. she said I was "too old" for these silly birthday breakdowns. I see birthdays as a time to reflect on the past year and years prior, to see if I succeeded in everything I wanted to experience. every. single. year. I fail to meet those expectations. every single year, I fail myself. every single year I fail.

this year I thought it would be different, for some asinine reason. I'm not entirely sure why I thought I'd be okay this year, why I wouldn't breakdown this year. my birthday is sunday. happy fucking birthday to me. I'm turning the exciting age of 21. everyone is always excited for 21, it's the age you can legally drink and purchase some... other stuff as well. but I can't drink. my liver decided to try to commit s@/cide in december. so all of the quote on quote "fun" I can have on my birthday is completely ripped out from under me.

here's a fun little timeline of my birthdays

9-15: dad wasn't there

16: dad was there, but barely. got sushi and to see wicked.

17: my aunt died a week prior, so my birthday sucked. I had to stay at my other aunt's house and it really fucking sucked.

18: I tried to turn things around by planning a little online birthday party for myself playing online cards against humanity with a few of my best friends and my (now ex) fiancé. but surprise surprise, everyone except one bailed on my birthday INCLUDING MY EX FIANCÉ who claimed to need to "write an essay," but words whispered he was actually cheating on me with the umpteenth girl.

19: had classes the day of my birthday and my (now ex) gf ignored me the whole day and then a week TO THE DAY after my birthday I was diagnosed with RARE BRAIN CANCER and LOST THE ABILITY TO WALK DUE TO SMALL NERVE NEUROPATHY.

20: my uncle died a week before my birthday (SAME DAY AS MY AUNT), all my extended family came to live with us. my (now ex) bf broke up with me a WEEK BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY. through. a. fucking. text. a couple of my friends took me out for the day and we made a day of it and I got a build a bear which I love but fuckola.

now, 21. I once referred to a year an "unwanted visitor," but I believe this age is even less wanted than the year. I now have a lovely partner who dotes over me and makes me feel like I am a goddess, I have friends who love me and make me feel wanted. and I'm on antidepressants. I'm happy, I really am and it's shocking to read after this long of a post. but as you can see, I struggle with my birthday. I struggle with it immensely. my partner was trying to plan something for my birthday but shit kept getting in the way and of course now he can't get off work. he already made plans with me for the first day he has off but fuck.

I feel like everything always falls apart around my birthday. people begin fighting. others become severely depressed. it's that last push of winter before the spring flowers break ground.

I always feel as if I never truly celebrate my birthday. others celebrate it, but not me. it's an out of body experience. I don't feel real or to exist in this realm on that day. I feel incredibly empty on that day. I try to look happy and try to look excited, play the part for the camera. it's difficult to hide the ripped up quick, and scabs scarring from being picked. the waterworks welling in my eyes, one blow and it'll drown us all. I hate my birthday.

maybe if I took it as something it's not like most. maybe if I took it as something fun rather than a day to reflect. maybe if I took it as a day to relax rather than sobbing into a journal at 2am.

I'm not sure how much therapy it's going to take for me to like my birthday again, especially since I never have liked it.

I don't know how to tell my partner that I wish he wasn't so excited for my birthday. it's such a hard day for me. I've never had anyone excited about my birthday and it's hard for me to see that. he said I am "special and deserve to be treated as such." I've never had anyone say that to me. I don't know how to tell him that I'm struggling with this day. this stupid day we celebrate being alive another year. I wish it wasn't such a big deal. I know I have a lot to celebrate but I don't like celebrating it. other holidays? yes I love celebrating. but not my birthday. I don't know how to look my partner in the eye and say I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I think that might break his heart. all I want is to rot in bed, with him and not think about impending doom for a moment.

[drunkenskunk]

The other day, I was streaming on the purple app, and something happened that I can't get out of my head. One of the channel rewards I have is "Visible Liver Damage," where I will immediately finish whatever drink I currently have. Since it was the start of the stream, the drink in question was a completely untouched gamersupps shaker full of Tanqueray and orange juice.

So, I downed the whole thing as quickly as I could. Then, the Visible Liver Damage button was hit several more times, and I happily obliged. Personally, I thought it was a great bit, especially when I got hit with multiple "Hydrate" rewards and I pulled out a gallon jug of water. But one of my viewers was absolutely horrified. And I was left very confused by that. Like...

Mate.

Do you not know where you are?

There's a reason I go by The Drunken Skunk lately, and it's not just because I'm a furry. No, it's because my only unique selling point is being a suicidally depressed alcoholic fuckup, so other people can have a good time by laughing at what a pathetic loser I am.

I am 36 years old, and I've lost all hope. I genuinely didn't think I was going to live this long. I am constantly in pain, I no longer take joy in any of my old hobbies, and the only thing I genuinely look forward to every day is the moment I can finally collapse in bed and Not Exist for several hours. And it feels like even that is getting shorter and shorter; if you think I can genuinely get a good 8 hours of sleep, then you haven't been paying attention. Why would I want to prolong this misery?

When I finally shuffle off, it'll be unloved, unmourned, and forgotten within a decade. No one else is going to care. Why should I? Whatever happens, happens.

Like, there's a reason I sympathize so strongly with Harry DuBois from Disco Elysium, despite being so terrible at the game that I've never actually finished it. It's because I, too, am an alcoholic burnout fuckup ("HARRY YOU WORHTLESS GOD DAMN PIECE OF SHIT!") who desperately doesn't want to be this animal anymore. That conversation at the beginning of the game, where his Ancient Reptillian Brain is trying to convince him to let go and fall into the warm, sweet embrace of oblivion to escape the pain and misery of this prison we call existence? That's a conversation I have with myself every single morning.

I have no future worth looking forward to. I might as well try and enjoy what little time I have left as I run out the clock on this game I've already lost and have no hope of winning. And most days? That means drinking myself numb, so I can, very briefly, Not Feel Anything.

So, no. I don't think I will remove the Visible Liver Damage channel reward. Hell, most days, I'll just do that shit without any prompting anyway.

Cheers.

[tinyboxxtink]

"Weird Secret Friends" *Chapter 12*

Chapter 11

(i fucked this up by editing on my phone and now I have to post the next chapter link like this. )

Whoooo buddy! The angst is REAL, y'all.

I apologize for this, but also I really don't. And I made it normal length to make up for that short shitty one earlier.

Enjoy!!!! Mwahahahahha

Tag List

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@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@word-scribbless

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

@thatesqcrush

@shittanyy

@mrsrafaelbarba

---------

It seemed like forever for the ambulance to get there, Rafael just sat there trembling and crying while you started to convulse in his arms. Finally the door busted open and EMT’s threw you on a gurney and took you downstairs. Rafael sprinted behind them and jumped in the back of the ambulance as it sped away.

“Y/N….Carino please, please don’t die on me…” Rafael stroked your hair as you were hooked up to oxygen and anti drug meds. It was like literal hell having to watch this all over again, even worse that it was someone he actually...loved.

“Please, please don’t die…” He looked up to the sky.

----------------

Rafael paced the hospital waiting area furiously, they wouldn’t let him go back with you once the ambulance got you both there. When he saw Sonny running up the hallway towards him, he grabbed him by the neck and shoved him up against the wall.

“I TOLD YOU!!!!” He screamed violently, while several nurses ran over and pulled them apart.

“Rafael! Jesus Christ--” Sonny was breathing heavily while he tried to recover from Rafael’s ambush.

“I told you something was wrong, I told you I knew her better than you did!” He tried to wrestle away from the nurses.

“Okay I’m sorry, I’m sorry alright?!” Sonny yelled, tears starting to fill his eyes. “I should have listened to you--”

“You’re god damn right you should have!!!” Rafael continued to scream.“ She could die right now, do you realize that?”

“Of course I realize that!” Sonny screamed back while looking around them, trying not to make a scene.

“God dammit Carisi, she knew better than you. Why didn't you listen to her?!” Rafael was beginning to cry; he was so upset.

“Barba I--” Sonny started to apologize.

“Excuse me, is Miss Y/L/N’s family here?” An orderly came out from the back.

“I am!” Sonny forgot about Rafael and ran over to the man, Rafael did the same.

“I’m sorry sir but this is really just a family conversation--” He started to dismiss Rafael, but Sonny put his hand up.

“He’s fine,” He assured the doctor.

“Right, well--” He cleared his throat as he led them to a more quiet area. “The damage to Y/N’s body is pretty bad,”

“....God,” Sonny muttered, putting a hand over his forehead.

“The mouthwash has several chemicals that aren’t in traditional grain alcohols, mostly lethal. And her pancreas, liver and gallbladder were already severely damaged from the years of alcohol abuse,” He explained as he looked gravely between the two men.

“No…” Rafael put his hands over his face.

Flashbacks of a very similar conversation happening between a doctor and his mother filled his mind. The way his mother fell against the wall when she heard the doctor say there was a good chance his father was never waking up.

“How bad is it, doc?” Sonny’s voice quivered, and Rafael instinctively took his hand.

“Well, we had to completely remove the gallbladder, and parts of her pancreas so she’s most likely going to develop diabetes,” He further explained. “...And she most likely will need a liver transplant, depending on how the next 24 hours go,”

“Christ…” Sonny whipped his hand from Rafael’s touch and put both of his hands over his head while he paced.

“Can we see her?” Rafael asked.

“Yes, you know your daughter is very lucky to be alive,” The doctor informed them.

“...Excuse me?” Sonny asked while he and Rafael exchanged confused looks.

“...Are you two not her dads?” The doctor waved his pen between the two men.

“Oh my god,” Rafael muttered in horror, wanting to vomit right there.

“Uh, no sir-- no we’re not,” Sonny shook his head. “I’m her uncle and this is my partner,”

“Excuse me?!” Rafael practically screamed in disgust.

“...Do you want them to let you back there to see her or not, honey?” Sonny said through his teeth.

“Right,” Rafael nodded uncomfortably, taking Sonny’s hand once more. “We’re her...Uncles,” He tried not to grimace.

“Oh, right. So sorry sirs,” The doctor apologized once more as he led your “Uncles” to the room you were in. You were unconscious, but breathing on your own.

“She might be out a while from the meds, if you’d like to come back tomorrow,” The doctor informed them once more.

“Uh, I think we’ll wait at least for a little while, if you don’t mind doc,” Sonny replied while Rafael walked up to your sleeping body and just stroked your hair lovingly.

“Whatever you two want to do is fine with me,” He nodded. “I have other patients to see, if you’ll excuse me,”

Sonny nodded to him and he walked out of the room leaving the three of you alone. Sonny ran his hands through his hair while Rafael pulled a chair up next to your bed, still stroking your hair.

“...Barba I think you should leave,” Sonny said softly.

“...What?” He laughed. “Are you...are you fucking joking me, Carisi?”

“No look,” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, I’m sorry I didn’t hear her. And I’m sorry that I just...gave up, protecting her,”

“Yeah well--”

“But I hear you now, and-- and she’s going to need to go away,” He looked at your sleeping body sadly.

“She’s in no shape to go anywhere, Carisi,” Rafael clutched your hand as if he was protecting you.

“Not now, no,” Sonny agreed. “But when she’s better--”

“We don’t know if she’s going to get better!” Rafael suddenly stood up and walked towards him; Sonny backed up as he approached, afraid Rafael was going to grab him again.

“Even more reason you shouldn’t be here!” Sonny argued.

“What?”

“Barba look,” He cautiously put a hand on Rafael’s shoulder. “I...I get that you two have some kind of-- I don’t know, connection,” He glanced at you.

“But it doesn’t change the fact that you barely know her, and she barely knows you. You have a job and a life waiting for you tomorrow, you can’t be sitting here sitting vigil for some girl you slept with once,”

“How dare you fucking say that to me, Carisi,” Rafael’s eyes narrowed as he snapped his shoulder from Sonny’s grasp.

“How fucking dare you. First you don’t want me anywhere near her, then you tell her she’s nothing to me, then suddenly you think that I’m in love with her, and-- and now that I’m finally...attached to her-- you want me to just leave her alone again?”

“No, I never wanted you near her because of this exact situation!” Sonny hissed, trying not to wake you. “I told you straight up that she was complicated, and that you weren’t about that life,”

“I am about that life-- I’m serious, about her,” Rafael corrected himself, rolling his eyes at the terms Sonny used.

“Well I don’t think you should be,” Sonny crossed his arms.

“This is the jealousy thing again, isn’t it?” Rafael licked his lips angrily. “You and your stupid ego can’t stand the fact that we--”

“That is NOT it Rafael and you fucking know it,” Sonny narrowed his eyes.

“Then what is it?” Rafael crossed his arms. “It’s clearly not because it’s too much for me, because I’m flat out telling you it’s not,”

“Rafael--” Sonny placed his hands over his face. “I have spent my life protecting this girl, okay? And I may have dropped the ball here, but that just means that I will sure as hell not do it again. And that means that I have to have her best interest at heart,”

“What does that even mean?” Rafael looked at him quizzically.

“Her whole world is different now, Barba!” Sonny gestured to you. “You heard the doc. She has no gallbladder, whatever the fuck that means, she will probably get diabetes, god knows what will happen even if she needs a liver transplant, but my guess is it ain’t good!”

“...Well she won’t be able to drink alcohol,” Rafael said softly.

“Which will make her sobriety that much more urgent and permanent, Barba,” Sonny stepped towards your bed.

“She’s gonna have a long hard road ahead of herself no matter which way this goes right now, and keeping her on track is the only way she is gonna get through it. You think she’s gonna be able to focus on anything but you if you stay here?”

“I can help her--” Rafael insisted, glancing down at your innocent sleeping face. It broke his heart you were hurting, now all he wanted to do was take care of you and make sure you never hurt again.

“You don’t have the time or the freedom to do that, Rafael,” Sonny said sternly. “And you know it,” Sonny’s statement brought him back to reality.

“And you do?” He looked back up at Sonny.

“I’m a detective, Barba. It’s not like I do that much,” Sonny shrugged. “And I have enough PTO for a bit to take care of her. And she’s my responsibility! She’s MY family, Liv will understand that. What she won’t understand is you sitting Shiva at some young girl’s bedside who you barely know,”

“....And what are you going to do when she gets better?” Rafael ran a finger down your bare arm, wishing you would wake up and stop this nonsense your cousin was spewing.

“I’ll ask around,” Sonny now sat next to your bed. “I’ll find her a good place, somewhere she can be taken care of the right way, not some creepy mental hospital,”

“...Alright fine,” He sighed, looking at his watch. It was getting late, and he had an early court date.

“I’m coming back--”

“No, you’re not,” Sonny shook his head. “Look I promise you if she gets worse and needs your emergency liver or kidney or somethin’, I’ll let you know. Other than that, just-- leave her be,”

Rafael flashed back to the last time Sonny had used those words, and how as soon as he agreed, you heard him and it destroyed you. He couldn’t do that again, what if you could still hear him?

“No, I’m coming back--”

“Barba if you come back here I’m gonna tell the nurses that we broke up and you are no family member of hers,”

“You,” He shook his head. “You wouldn’t do that--”

“If it keeps you away from her, I’ll do anything right now Barba, I’m sorry,” Sonny gave him a sympathetic look.

“...She’ll never forgive you for this, Carisi,” He warned Sonny. “When she finds out you kept us apart she will never forgive you,”

“What are you Romeo and Juliet all of a sudden, counselor?” Sonny scoffed. “Give me a friggin break. I’m sure she’ll get over it, when she’s clean and sober and thinking straight,”

“I’ll never forgive you for this,” he growled with a death glare.

“...Yeah, well--” Sonny stood up and started escorting Rafael out the door. “I guess that’s something I’ll just have to live with,”

Rafael glared at him once more before turning on his heels and stomping down the hall, just as you stirred from your med nap.

“Sunshine?” Sonny quickly ran to your bedside.

“Rafa..?” You sleepily asked, you swore you heard his voice just moments ago.

“It’s Sonny,” He nervously looked back at the door, making sure Rafael hadn’t heard you wake up and came running in again.

“Oh,” You blinked several times, trying to get your vision back. When the blur in your pupils resolved, you saw Sonny’s smiling face beaming at you.

“Hey there,” He kissed your forehead. “You scared the shit outta me there, Sunshine,”

“...I’m so sorry, Sonny,” You began to cry in remorse.

“Hey hey hey,” Sonny took you in his arms and shushed you while he rocked you. “Shh shh shh, you’re alright. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you when you were asking for help, I just--I just let you go,”

“...But Rafael didn’t,” You sniffled as you looked around the room for him. “Where is he?”

“He uh--” Sonny stammered. “He left, Sunshine. Early court meeting tomorrow, y’know. Lawyer stuff,”

“Right,” You nodded.

“...He said he wouldn’t be coming back,” Sonny added with a sympathetic look.

“What?” You blinked in disbelief. Had he really just taken off? Without even saying goodbye?

“Well it’s just,” Sonny took your hands. “Honey you’re-- you’re gonna have a lot to go through these next few weeks, maybe months. And Rafael--”

“He doesn’t have time for that,” You finished for him, accepting the truth.

“Yeah,” Sonny nodded slowly.

“Right,” You picked at your blanket as you stared down at it morosely. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything more than him dropping me here. He tried telling me that he was--”

“He was what?” Sonny quirked an eyebrow. You thought about telling him that Rafael had said he was in love with you, but you weren’t entirely sure that happened anymore, given how out of it you were at the apartment.

“...He was ready for a relationship,” You lied. “But I guess he wasn’t ready for a dumpster fire of a girlfriend,”

“You’re not a dumpster fire, Sunshine,” Sonny assured you.

“...Yeah clearly this doesn’t scream ‘damaged goods’,” You gestured to all the wires you were hooked up to.

“You’re not--” Sonny sighed and shook his head as he wrapped his arms back around you. “You’ll find someone,”

“...Not someone like him,” You whispered sadly, tears dripping down onto your IV tube.

“Well hey,” Sonny coughed as he tried to change the subject. “I better get goin’ make sure you get some good sleep,”

“...But I was just--” You tried to say you had been sleeping this whole time.

“I’ll come check on you tomorrow, kay?” Sonny kissed your head and started heading towards the door. He hated to do this, but he had to keep you safe. He turned around and gave you a sad smile.

“Hey, Sunshine?”

“Yeah, Son?”

“I uh, I don’t wanna rub it in or nothin’, I just--” Sonny cleared his throat. “Barba wanted me to tell you not to contact him anymore,”

“...Oh,” You looked over at your phone, which was charging on the table next to your bed.

“He just thought it would be easier, y’know? Clean break and all,” Sonny lied with a sad smile.

“Yeah, sure no of course,” You nodded, trying to keep it together.

“Alright well, I’ll see ya,” He nodded one more time before shutting the door, leaving you alone.

You immediately grabbed your phone and began typing a message to Rafael, telling him how you were sorry and that you never should have tried to kick him out, and that he saved your life and that you knew you were a huge mess, but that you would clean yourself and do everything in your power to be good enough for him if he just let you--and you just stared at it.

You re-read it a thousand times, tears streaming down your cheeks. You couldn’t send this, it was pathetic. He already made his choice, he tried to tell you he loved you and you had blown him off by almost dying in his arms. And he ran. You couldn’t blame him either, you’d run away faster than a Kenyan track star if you were him.

After going through all that bullshit with his dad, he’d never want to relive that with you, some girl he barely knew. There was no way. And begging him to come back to you after all the shit you said to him at your apartment was just pitiful.

You deleted the message and then started to delete his contact info, but you knew you needed to be drastic. If it was a clean break he wanted, you’d have to give it to him. You’d already put him through way too much stress and punishment than he deserved, you had to be stopped. You highlighted his number and hit “BLOCK NUMBER”, before deleting it from your phone.

There. Now there was no way you could find him, or vice versa. Clean break. You put the phone down next to you and laid down, realizing what you had just done. You had just deleted the potential love of your life from your existence, forever. You cried yourself to sleep, only dreaming of Rafael.

=============

Rafael laid down in his bed after getting home and showering the bad day off of him. He opened the text thread of your messages, and saw the ellipsis light up, signaling that you were typing. It was there for a long time, he became more and more anxious as they just flashed in the darkness, taunting him. He was so happy you were okay, he had to tell you what Sonny said but that he would never be able to keep him from you. He waited and waited, and then the dots were gone. He waited a moment for you to send it, but soon got impatient and just texted you

“Y/N I’m so glad you’re okay, you had me so worried. I miss you,”

He hit SEND, but was met with the most horrifying response:

“The number you have texted has blocked you from contacting them.”

“No…” He muttered alone in the dark. “No, this can’t be happening,”

Did Sonny have your phone? Did he do this? Did he tell you something to make you do this? Did you do this on your own when you realized he had left. Sonny had to have told you something bad, something diabolical. He had no way of contacting you now, and he would never get into the hospital to see you.

What was going on?

-------------

The next morning after his court session, Rafael headed over to the precinct to talk to Sonny. He practically sprinted through the door into the bullpen, to find it empty.

“...Where’s the SVU squad?” Rafael asked a cop at the front desk.

“Do I look like a concierge, Barba?” The cop rolled his eyes. “Does my badge say ‘doorman’? I don’t keep tabs on you people!”

“Thanks Louie,” Rafael rolled his eyes as he walked out of the station, dialing Sonny’s number on his phone.

“Hello?”

“What did you do?”

“Barba?”

“What did you do, Carisi?!”

“What do you mean?”

“Y/N blocked my number,”

“Well good--”

“NO, not good. Carisi. What did you say to her?”

“Y’know Barba, maybe you should take the hint and move on,”

“Oh fuck you, Carisi,” He growled into the phone. “I’m going to the hospital,”

“Yeah well, good luck getting in here counselor,” Sonny shook his head with a small laugh, glancing over at you in your room, while he stood outside. “I’ve told the nurses you were a deadbeat dad who wanted to kidnap our niece for yourself, so they’re on alert not to let you anywhere near her,”

“You’re evil,” His voice was low and horrified.

“I’m doing what’s best for my baby cousin, Barba. If that makes me the bad guy, so be it,” Sonny spoke like a mob boss, tracing the glass on the window to your room.

“I’ll see her when she gets out,” Rafael sneered.

“Well that might be difficult, seeing as I’ve found her a very nice place to go as soon as she gets outta here. Somewhere far away from here, and you,” Sonny couldn’t help but smirk.

“No, Carisi don’t do this,” Rafael became desperate, his angry threats turned to pathetic pleas. “Please don’t send her away-- I love her,”

“If you love her you’ll let her go, Rafael,” Sonny simply said, ending the call before Rafael could say anything else.

“GOD DAMMIT!!!!” Rafael screamed in the middle of the foot traffic, making people turn and stare at him.

He had to fix this. He couldn’t let you leave thinking he didn’t want you. He couldn’t lose you, not now. Not after everything.

Was he going to lose you forever?