#and i just want a best friend ive never had a best friend
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I hate feeling this lonely
#lonely unlovable even unlikeable really aldjaldi#like i do it to myself i know i do i push peopel away and its so hard for me to just make connectionswith people#and I’m so insecure i just don’t believe it if (massive if) someone says they like me#like as friends or more its just so hard for me to believe it#i hate that i have like 1 friend and she has her own life and i feel like shes moving on from me and like thats fair go live your best life#but it sucks that her best life doesnt include me#and i just want a best friend ive never had a best friend#I’m all over the place with my feelings#i wannt so much and i jnow what i need to do but i just cant get myself to do it#i keep making excuses but theres no excuses#like why cant things just come easy to me#why cant i just be normal#why cant i just have conversations with peoole#people#why do i let my insecurities get in the way of literally everything#why am i like this#why cant i just do what i want#why why why
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I'm not allowed to be on social media for more than two seconds today but I just wanted to say that Laios will absolutely have his own reaction to all this as someone who would die for Falin but has also imprinted on Marcille as his Emotional Support Comphet White Girl Not-Girlfriend along the way
#a little creature#sometimes i look at the way i want marcille to be the closest thing hes ever had to a girlfriend but in a 100% platonic way and im like#is this what they mean by queerplatonic or have i just never had a dude best friend who wasnt like. a super fruity gay twink#anyway its gonna be as hard on him as it is for us bc he loves them both so much#the most important women in his life bar none#marcille probably slapped him when she got back tho. like she just saw his face and all the misdirected anger at him 'taking falin' just#rose up and burst again#its ok tho. you know she immediately broke down crying in his arms again blubbering incoherently bc she felt bad but also shes still mad#and she just doesnt know what to do with herself#the hardest part about this fic is that like. there are SO many juicy things going on offscreen#but. i have to breathe deep and keep calm and let them happen out of falin's POV#the ryoko kui method. what happens in the story happens and what happens outside can be explored in extras if need be#edit: also just figured out why ive been chafing a *little* bit against ppl assuming that it's the fear of falin dying that motivated#marcille's denial of her feelings so far#bc it's technically true but something just didn't sit right and i didn't wanna say anything until i figured it out#in little creature she has in part already realized that falin's passing is going to hurt no matter what she does right now#bc she's already passed the threshold of preemptive grief and sealed her own fate by how much she cares about falin#so it's not really... about that as much as it would have been during the canon story#it's just that. to acknowledge that she has romantic feelings for falin means recontextualizing their relationship in a way where#she has been the one hopelessly chasing while falin didn't realize/ignored her for the most part#and she couldnt allow that to be true both bc she couldnt bear to make falin the 'villain' in her love story#and bc she subconsciously knew the scope of pain would be too much for her to handle#so now my problem is. how do i make that clear in the fic from falin's POV without getting too heavy handed about it
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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no interest in any of my hobbies next to no concerts going on all summer feeling abandoned by the majority of the few irls I still have no idea where to meet new people to replace them now that I'm not part of the highly social hard partying sales culture I spent basically all of my post college life in anymore literally what reason is there to keep trying
#how does anyone even maintain anything in the long term like since college i dont think ive managed to hold onto a truly close relationship#for more than like 3 years so its about time even tho i never even felt i reached that level of closeness w these guys its about time they#also just move on & im the only one putting on the effort! the last time i felt like i had someone i could really call a 'best friend' they#went on vacation & ended up just actually moving away without telling me & when theyre back in town they text our other friends to ltk &#hang out with them but never me & i only ever see them at parties. similar shot for any other 'close friends' i ever thought actually cared#about me. whats wrong with me why dont people ever want to stay around why is it whenever things come up or people get busy or whatever im#never a priority to anyone everwhy is it always i put in the effoet or we dont talk ot reslly i put in the effoet until eventually we dont#talk anyways. why does it seem like even if it isnt easy for everyone else it seems like its at least POSSIBLE people will tell me oh that#happens to everyone in adulthood i feel that way too. ok sure you at least TALK to your college friends still even if you arent as close as#you used to be i have fucking nothing exvept a handful of people who just kind of care about me but where im in the periphery of their lives#i could just die & itd probably take weeks before any of my 'friends' even noticed#texticles
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i don't remember the last time i had a good birthday
#i should spend it alone this year#well with my partner obviously but i always wanted to involve friends and that just never works out#i wish it wasnt so important to me but it is#last year my partner scheduled an MRI cause they forgot that day was my birthday so we spent like hours at the hospital#and the year before that my best friend flaked on me cause she had to go to the gym 🥲#i understand not everyone thinks birthdays are special but ive made it pretty clear how important it is for me and no one seems to care 😭
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THEYRE BESTIES!!!!!!!!
#i honestly like it better when the top 3 picks are friends <3#or can at least reach that level sometimes#cade and jalen are sad to me 😭#and jaba is always brutally something with anyone. sometimes when hes happy you think youre the best besties in the world#and then in that same day u can think he never wants to speak to you ever again#and then immediately after youre his bestie again#paolo 😭 good luck#alpey has to bear the brunt of jabas brutality for now tho#alpey and jabas lives are cursed to be an eternal shifting between :] vs >:( and :[ vs <:)#scoot has never had grillz b4 or smthing lmao#unbothered king wemby#im so glad theyre besties#scoot sees anyone taller than him and immediately turns into the annoying little man he was grown to be#hes blessed to have that opportunity to show his true form with wemby#i hope they continue to be besties!!!!#i love scoots suit but ive also seen way too much bird poop that i have trauma now#from afar it kind of looks like a bird had an accident on his shoulder 😭#im the only pigeon appreciator along with some nice elderly folk i like to check up on so im#just consumed in the feathery lifestyle#sorry scoot :(#scoot scoot#webby#i love calling him webby im sorry wemby
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Where's that post that's like "doctors aren't like doctors on TV who will do anything to find a cure for their patients, they generally just do not care and will tell you you're faking it rather than help you" bc yes that but ALSO sometimes doctors THINK they're uwu heroic tv doctors when in reality they just assault their patients for no good reason to "help" them.
Like. I'm tired of hearing friends with chronic illness being held down to have blood taken against their will, or to receive an unnecessary shot of something to see "if it will help" when they literally have tried that before and no it doesn't help and the doctor doesn't believe them. That's assault, that's traumatic, don't do that to people!!!!
#also i gotta wander if this happens to women more than bc i bet it does but i havent had a male friend in years#so ive never heard a male talk about it but that doesnt mean it doesnt happen#ableism#medical misogyny#<- perhaps#idk i just had one of my best friends tell me about how she had blood drawn against her will today#and thinking about a friend from years ago who started flat out refusing to be alone in a room with a nurse/doctor without someone she#trusted because shed been held down and given shots by a whole med team despite telling them being restrained triggered her ptsd and she#also didnt need the shots. she told me about how she was crying and screaming and begging for them to stop and hoping someone down the hall#would hear her and come to her rescue but no one came and now she has nightmares about it#makes me want to kill people#luckily it has yet to happen to me but i wont be surprised if/when it does#unfortunately#lezpost#medical malpractice#medical maltreatment
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just cried in the shower thinking about my bf !! who have i become 😳
#love changes you!!!!!#anyways all i can think about these days is how i am restraining myself from telling him i am in love with him lol#weve been dating only like 2.5 months i feel like its a short time but at the same time i feel like ive been with him forever like it feels#like years… and we talked about it he feels the same…….. like ive had him in my life forever#the other night i brought him home and we always talk in the car for a very long time and at some point he just looked at me and said#something like ‘you know youre my best friend and my confidant.. i dont know what id be doing without you’ and i almost started crying#because i feel the same like we are best friends and then also everything else like physical attraction and all of that but we have so much#fun together 🥹#and it made me think of ‘you are in love’ by taylor swift when she says ‘one night he wakes/strange look on his face/pauses then says/#youre my best friend/and you knew what it was/he is in love’#🥺🥺🥺#sorry for being so corny i just love him so much#oh and since he works at a small cinema in our city he has the keys to the cinema… and we sometimes go there late at night when no one is#there and watch whatever movies we want in the theater lmao#the other day i wanted to start watchingthe office with him because he never watched it and i think hed love it but we ended up not being#able to watch it at my house… so that night he took his theater keys when we went out and took me to the cinema to watch the office there#🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 oof#anyways……. im so in love its embarrassing
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God- had a moment earlier today-
#so I figured out I had a crush on one of my bfs head mates#that mfs kid was in front#and he’s made it his sworn duty to wingman us#so he fucking drags the guy#into front#and thAT FUCKER#DOESNT SAY A THING UNTIL IVE FULLY CONFESSED MY CRUSH#AND MY BUDDY CHECKS TO SEE IF ANYONE WAS PEEPING#yknow so I can know who actually knows about my crush#AND THIS#THIS WONDERFUL#HORRIBLE#STUPID ASS MAN#FUCKING SWEET LIL PEA#(I hate him so much I wanna kiss him he’s so annoying and I never want anything bad to happen to her again)#SHE JUST DROPS THAT SHE LOVES ME BACK#AND THEN HE LEAVES#we aren’t dating cuz he’s actually smart and wants to take it slow#which honestly I’m thankful for#I like what we have#she’s my best friend#BUT#SHE WAS JUST. HIDING. IN FRONT#AND AAAAA#anyway I’m still blushing so hard omg#[redacted] I love you#you know who you are#personal
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Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE
#LANA i know his sister works for you BUT TRUST MY WORD AND GIVE ME A FREE TICKET PLEASE…#MY FIRST TIME SEEING YOU WAS RUINED GIRL… she was so good too like i was saving her songs to spotify that night#im reliving all this because i found out a lot of his exes and ex friends hang out together and two of them invited me so it was me an ex an#d an ex friend just swapping stories and first of all. he said he got cheated on by this girl and she NEVER DID IT (HE would have emotional/#angry outbursts at HER though) (allegedly he’s acknowledged to her that the cheating never happened too) and 2. this is obviously making me#mentally rehash everything again. i feel so bad for his current girlfriend and also for the person i ‘’stole’’ him from though i really hesi#tate to blame myself after hearing about his patterns. first of all he wouldve done this with anyone who was vulnerable around him and secon#d i was the only reason he was at all honest with them. he was fully planning to gaslight this ex and me and his dad had to convince him not#to. they look like theyre happy now and im very happy for them over that. oh my god that man was evil he told me for WEEKS about every time#his then partner had talked shit about me while i made clear that i didnt care and wasnt very interested but he kept going. god i cant belie#ve this was my life a year ago.#the one thing i can say is that i out freaked him because throughout our short relationship i made him so insecure that a week after i told#to never speak to me again he called me asking if he really was ugly.#I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAD TO TEND TO A GROWN MAN WHILE LANA DEL REY WAS RIGHT THERE BECAUSE HE WAS SO OPPOSED TO BEING AROUND HER. LANAAAA#times like these i get so mad i dont know what to do but ultimately remembering that he has not achieved any of his goals because he refuses#to face himself really helps me. god man IVE achieved some of his goals and i wasnt even trying to#a really awful part of all of this was all of the friends who knew him taking his side. because they didnt know him well enough to know what#he was actually like.#i was talking to my ex friend of four years and she was like not to blame you but he was probably really vulnerable from his time with [ex p#rior to me]’’ because he’s been going around alleging that that ex was abusive. and she was implying i took advantage of him. so i had to go#into detail about what an awful awful person he was and the sort of state i was in when this relationship took place. hannah lee you are#not seeing your little jehovah’s witness heaven.#anyways redirecting this energy im very happy with the way my life is and the way i am now. and im grateful for it i would not have ever bee#n able to imagine having the sort of peace and motivation i feel now. life feels like it can and will change for the better and it keeps pro#ving that right all the time#it just hurts sometimes having that as my first experience and not even being able to vocalize what was wrong bc i just didnt know hurts#oh i forgot one of his besties can see my account bc we’re sort of mutuals. i doubt he’s looking he did the whole unfollowing the ex bc she’#s allegedly amoral thing after the breakup but if he is hi isaac#he did on rare occasion show me selfless kindness but ultimately your best friend is a creep. i don’t want to be involved with anyone from#our school but I hope you know this and I hope you’re proud
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Being nonbinary and dressing feminine sometimes despite very much not being a woman is. Its like hello strangers hello new friends im making please dont immediately steamroll
#contemplating a lot#rant#feel free to ignore#i just. so like. im very nonbinary#which i suppose many nonbinary people are#to the point im like. well i cant go to a transmasc support group or a transfem support group cause i doubt either would#see me as someonr who fits (wish my city had a general trans meetup but we arent big enough i guess)#i know I KNOW theres a bunch of cisgender fucks who think nonbinary = woman and it drives me up a Fucking wall#i know theres (even more ouch) a portion of lesbians and queer ppl who see nonbinary as woman-lite or feminine man#and just dont fucking put in the effort to grasp what being outside man or woman (or overlapping) could be#(probably ovdrlaps w ppl who refuse to grasp pansexuality or bisexuality)#and like. when i was young? maybe i wouldve seen myself as a trans man#but when that didnt totally fit i felt well. maybe bigender then. nonbinary. yeah that fits i suppose#or maybe i am a trans man who just doesnt want to change myself for societal pressure#but i do relate to being a woman too? so nonbinary feels best. but i certainly dont feel like a woman#im okay with she he they. but if i tell strangers theyll usually default to ONE so i just say#THEY so strangers dont immediately try to basically pretend im not nonbinary by sticking to another pronoun they feel is easier to them#and if i say They the fact remains: are these new strangers or friends dicks who dont respect my gender even tho they#accomodated to sayibg they? do they say she in private to friends. do they refer to me as a gender im not when im not present#idk i have been... interacting with a lot of straight dudes lately. and im like? im bi and nonbinary so im like. well if ur straight dude im#not sure u would even Wanna date me? u are aware im a dude too? are u okay with that? can u respect that???#which has NEVER happened to me before. cause i only dated bi guys nonbinary peeps like me or nonbinary lesbians#ive never dated a person i feared may actually not see me as I Actually Am and have accepted iy
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no rizz just constantly "jokingly" tell him how fucking hot he is
#it's literally like: 'wah Mizu is soo attractive to me... btw have i ever told you I've always thought he looks kinda like you?'#'you'd look so sexy in that white shirt haha'#which btw it's the kind of stuff I've told him since forever. i '''jokingly''' had a List of Reasons Why You're Sexy lol#(which includes things like 'ive seen you repair a faucet with your bare hands' btw. like woah)#i just?? never realised?? how hard i was crushing?? because i was too obsessed w my former best friend/main crush#another friend of mine told me this is a good sign. i think he's right#still i am panicking over this crush. over liking people in general atm#i want to go to therapy tbh#how did i end up talking therapy?? i was talking about the boy i like??#anyways. thanks to whoever reads this & sorry if I'm oversharing I guess#I just have to retrieve several months of unrealised simping i guess hahaha#personal#cal has a crush and makes it everyone's problem once again
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My kitten baby a few summer ago, chillin on a copy of Mary Oliver’s Devotions
You and I will always be back then 💖
#okay just a warning im going to talk about sad stuff now#cw pet loss#so he passed away unexpectedly on tuesday#:(#i was crying so hard that I had to skip one of my classes#i emailed the professor for my next class basically like ‘uh hey im coming to class but i might cry’#he never responded to it which is awkward but the least of my worries#anyway I definitely saw this cat being part of my future for the next ten years of my life at least#he was the sweetest cat ive ever met#my bf and i found him one day in 2019 roaming the neighborhood. he was really skinny so we fed him.#we realized he was really friendly and affectionate so we just had to take him in#this cat helped me through the deaths of family members covid and just everything I’ve struggled with in the past 5 years#and whenever we had friends over he liked to sit in the middle of all of us. he just loved hanging out with us#also my nephew is almost 4 now and has a speech delay. he cant say many words#but he can say ‘kitty’ because of how much he loves this cat#he was my best friend and there’s never going to be another cat like him#anyway sorry my blog is slowly morphing into something much more personal than just a literature blog#but idk i think it’s important to express grief and grapple with the realities of death#and i just wanted to memorialize my little buddy
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google am i on the aro spectrum or am i just a teenager
#ideal partner: someone i can flirt with and do romantic things with but most importantly we just hang out and talk about our hyperfixations#ik a lot of ppl say that your partner should also be your best friend but idk i just dont want the whole established relationship aspect#boy asks me do u love me and im like hell yeah bro we r good buddies . boy asks are you in love w me and i short circuit#google help i am yearning so bad but i dont want a partner i just want to meet someone my age who i actually enjoy the company of#we can do Romance Things for fun but thats not the point. the point is reblogging each others posts on tumblr#i think this is just a result of my elementary school years being so lonely like i never had a friend for more than a year#and even the friends i did have we were never close at all#the longest real friend ive had and consistently talked to ive still only known for like almost 2 years#which is a lot. for me. but the concept of just . any sort of commitment even just in friendship is still so foreign to me#and yeah it would help if ive ever actually had a serious crush on someone that i was sure wasnt just a hyperfixation#but that hasnt happened yet and idk at what age i should finally just label myself and stop waiting for it to happen
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im slowly becoming more certain that ive lived an aromantic or aspec experience but im starting to think my experience was VERY much not the norm for those
#i feel like ive rarely had romance pushed onto me. ive been flirted with for usually a day or a couple days which felt so bad but its#over quickly. there was no background pressure for a relationship. i was never grilled or pressured by my family#in school my best friend was a boy which got me some 'oh they must be dating' but (a) nobody gave a shit about me enough to push lol#and (b) you can only consistently have guy friends for so long in a small school before people just get used to it#i feel like dating in high school wasnt really a thing. and i could be wrong but if ir was a thing it was a thing the same as having your#own car and playing varsity sports and doing spirit week etc etc. that was a world so outside mine it genuinely felt like there was no#crossover. we were a gay friend group but we were HIGH SCHOOLERS in the middle of nowhere. we werent gay as in 'dating queerly' we were#gay as in 'queer expectations for future dating' which was a very aspec INCLUSIVE experience#its very likely that the only reason i didnt experience this constant overwhelming pressure to conform that i hear from other aros is just#because im not very observant of emotions. im an autistic outcast who only cared about dating as a concept not a reality yknow? you would#have probably had to say it directly to my face if you wanted me to think you thought i was supposed to be in a relationship#i was just chillin. i dunno. anyway all this is to say i fuckin love valentines day#its a family holiday to me :)
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i love kirby super star fanfic or comic adaptations where marx and kirby are actually best friends during the course of the entire game and marx blindsides kirby, to the point where i want to do something soooort of similar with my kirbyverse, but i also just kinda love how in canon marx was just like “im gonna very specifically ruin this guys week”
#i think marx is less outright evil and murdery and more ''i just want to fuck around with no one to stop me''#saw itsquakey say that marx seemed to be an antagonist more out of petty antagonism where he just wanted to play tricks with no backlash#and i gotta replay milky way wishes again to verify that bc ill admit i never paid that much attention to his dialogue but thats interesting#or at least it differentiates him from magolor a bit more#who more or less just outright wants to rule the universe#im torn on whether or not i want him and kirby to be besties tho#for one im like. so unsure if i want him to be the same age as kirby#bc ngl ive always seen marx as rather young so i saw him and kirby as being the same age at one point#and magolor was also the same as them. but now i firmly see magolor as like in his early 20s or so mentally#mayyybe a late teen at best? and i feel like if he and marx are gonna be a duo itd be cool to keep em the same age?#but then i want marx and kirby to be like. direct parallels in some way like idk. theyre the same age yet had totally different circumstance#that shaped who they became (still sort of want to play into my ''marx is a mirror of kirby'' hc from when i was little)#ig i could just also age up kirby but like youll have to pry child kirby from my dead hands#none of this matters ik its not like i ship marxolor or marxby or anything (anymore) but like idk#maybe im overthinking it LOL#idk tho basically idea is that marx and kirby are actually childhood best friends who've known each other since they were newborns#but like. besides that i have no ideas sdklfjsdlkfjsdlkfsd i used to have an edgy ass backstory for marx where his parents were murdered#and thats valid if you have something like that for his backstory but idk if i want to go that route anymore#bc marx is less villainous here and more ''i have no real moral compass and i want to fuck with people''#idk im throwing spaghetti at the wall btw nothing here is verified at all#echoed voice
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