#and i have the kind of mental illness where if something gets tainted i can never engage with it again but im like. working on that.

[la-galaxie-langblr]

what is going on w my brain

[meo-eiru]

I agree that ‘pure’ darling is better for Micah.

Being mentally ill in a religious setting, he must be constantly aware of how ‘wrong’ he is. Micah is trying his hardest to not let people know but here comes you who is a picture perfect of his religious group member. It could be your smile, your empathy, or your very humanly struggles that make you look ‘perfect’ and him ‘flawed’. You make his daily struggles a joke.

After that it could be something that you do, one wrong sentence that you said or maybe he has been disturbed by his attraction to you that makes keeping his facade everyday becomes hard, one day he flips. Micah stops trying to act as if you are invisible and finds ways to get rid of you.

Now here I would like to think that he indeed loves you so killing you or have other men assault you are out of question. He might also create excuses to not send you somewhere far away because he won’t admit that living without you is more painful than the torture you unknowingly put him through everyday. He needs to keep you by his side, but in a less blinding state. Less pure, more tainted.

So he soils you. He gaslightes you into keeping it to yourself. He tears apart your relationship and ruins your social life. He makes sure no places will take you, except him. Micah isolates you, makes you dependant on him… and he is such a good man for that! Because who else wants to take someone like you? Micah is not ‘flawed’ after all. You see, he takes care of you out of the kindness of his heart. He can feel compassion if it is towards you. Micah is most likely not inferior. As long as you are here.

While less ‘pure’ darling has an interesting chemistry with Micah, ‘pure’ darling gives us a great view of his character and explaining his attraction towards his darling.

Sorry if there is any typo or wrong grammar 🙏

Please keep Micah content coming, be it meme or nsfw… I’ll devour them all 😂

You get it!!

Yes Micah wouldn't kill you or make others harm you, he want's to soil you but he wants to do it himself, and he wants to do it with his love.

He's not the type who will force himself on you as soon as he realizes his feelings, they are very new to him after all and he wouldn't immediately know how to handle them. I think it would be a long process of him constantly watching you from afar, his eyes following you no matter where you are whether intentionally or not, and him taking notes of all of your weaknesses. He would get close to you, he would be kind to you, and he would make you believe he could help you. Slowly wrapping himself around you like a snake about to eat it's prey.

And while doing so I don't think he would be rude perse, he wouldn't degrade you much and his touch would have this kindness that almost makes what he's doing to you feel more disgusting. Because what he's doing is wrong, he knows it, you know it, but every movement of his hands are so gentle, so loving. The way he looks at you sometimes could bring you to tears.

But that doesn't change the things he has done to you, and never will. Which is what makes him fun

[gallifreyianrosearkytiorsusan]

Discarded for Colors Unbecoming

Author’s note: Nanael in Living Waters.

Summary: Nanael gets spotted by the Black Templar shoal, and is swarmed, then abandoned.

Warnings: None? Let me know if I need to add anything.

Tagged: @barn-anon, @bleedingichorhearts, @c-u-c-koo-4-40k, @egrets-not-regrets, @kit-williams

Tagged: @sleepyfan-blog, @ms--lobotomy , @thevoidscreams, @i-am-a-dragon34, @gra93fruit-blog

Tagged: @felinisnoctis , @undeaddream

Nanael saw some of the Black Templars head in the direction that he's un and he mentally swears as he tries to figure out what to do next. He's still too wounded to be able to move fast, he's pulled away from his thoughts when he hears a voice call out.

"Come out- we can tell someone is watching us in the kelpie forest," Calls out one of the Black Templars.

From what Nanael can see from the older Space Marine, he's a first born from his size and the way his armor is styled and the scarring on the armor and his form.

His voice brooks no argument or disobedience, and Nanael slowly swims out of the reeds fully and he hears some of the other Black Templars curse, one of them has their fins flare and swim a little away from him.

"Lamenter," the Black Templar who had spoken before says, there is suspicion and vitriol in his voice, "We don't need your kind befouling our kin and bringing a curse and bad omens."

"I was just passing through, sir," Nanael says quietly.

He had been warned by his older brothers that some of the other chapters could, did, and would react extremely poorly to the presence of the Lamenters.

Despite them being a Loyalist chapter who always tried to help in the aid and protection of the Imperium and their fellow Space Marines. He had heard the tale of the time the Mortificators- when hearing which chapter they were to help aid- and abandoned the Lamenters and the system.

He had heard about a half dozen of other stories about a variety of other chapters that had similar such stories. Nanael braces himself, he had been warned that Black Templars could be quite... unpredictable and are one of the more suspicious chapters.

"Squad to me," The older Black Templar says, Nanael notices the helmet that's tucked on his hip, has the distinctive skull pattern of a Chaplain. "We will not give you aid, for if we do, it could taint us, nor will you follow us Omen of Despair."

"... Which way are you headed?" Nanael asks, somehow he's unsurprised, and part of him wants to try and argue- to at least get some help, but knows that trying to push would make things get violent so he just stays quiet and swallows down his request for medical aid and other questions of where are they? What planet is this?

The Chaplain gestures in the direction of the main shoal of and informs him of which direction they are going. Nanael nods his understanding and even though they are the only Space Mer-ines he's found, he knows better, they'll be less than helpful.

"Chaplain Petras," One of the other Black Templars, swimming over from deeper in the shoal, "what's the hold up?"

"Just chasing off some ill luck and bad omens," Petras says turning towards the Apothecary swimming nearby, "nothing to worry about Kestorn."

Nanael swims off- even though he's tempted to try and ask Apothecary Kestorn for him, the Chaplain has decided he's not worthy of aid, and that hurts. But. It's just his luck that he ran across some hostile-ish Black Templars.

He murmurs prayers to The Lord of the Ninth, and the God Emperor of Mankind for help. He continues to swim away from the pod of Black Templars, something tells him that he could have gotten off much worse, but he doesn't know why he feels that is the case.

At least his wounds have stopped bleeding and are slowly starting to heal. He takes some more rations and hydration and consumes them, hoping that it will help his wounds heal faster.

He finds a rocky beach, and he looks around, tired, and doesn't see anyone or anything else on it. For now at least and he activates his air-swimming ability and makes sure to curl up in a ball of scales as a way to keep his bits protected and slightly more comfortable.

He needs to sleep he's so tired. So thirsty. His breathing gets slowly deeper and his muscles slowly relax and he falls asleep, the rays of the sun making his golden scales glitter quite prettily.

[mrstellmeafuckingsecret]

devils dont fly as andromeda tonks

bye

um

i cant take this seriously.

basicallyyy this song is very loss anger love helplessness and like what is andromeda black if not that right haha. so here's a random ass lyrical breakdown.

i heard the angels call again

the black family as the 'angels' of course. we know they canonically had a inflated sense of self, since no one really gives a fuck about the sacred 28 but they acted 'like royalty' (according to sirius). also, the purity aspect of it. she doesn't associate herself with them anymore, so it's 'the angels' - it's a them, like she's different.

i threw myself a party, chardonnay and oxy

grr she's an alcoholic and druggie. sorry. she didn't have support, i don't know what friends or anything she'd have excluding ted. she lost her sisters, her family, her name - she drinks to forget.

i stopped the screams inside my head

mentally ill queen purr

they say it's not the answer but i can't carry on

she's tired!! she can't go on with this!! it's hard!! it's not an answer to any of her problems and it's eating her alive but what can she do

'cause i got nowhere, no one, without you boy i'm done

she only really has ted right now. she doesn't have a place or a family without him/

and just because i fight don't mean that i never learned how to love

AHH okay. black family = toxic love. she knows how to love - she grew up spoiled and pampered. that being said, it's not the kind of love she wants to continue on with. she doesn't want to take food off of her daughter's plate or scream at her husband because 'it's for their betterment'. it comes off as fighting, as needlessly argumentative. so she leans into it - she fights, teeth bared.

you know devils don't fly (fly, fly)

she's the devil, now. she's tainted - no longer the pure girl she grew up as, she's fallen from grace by marrying a muggleborn, she won't be able to fit into the same societies she once did.

but i got chains and you got wings

queer andromeda queer andromeda queer andromeda

she's chained down by who she loves, it's not like she can help it. her sisters fell in love with people who wouldn't bring them shame, but she didn't. she fell in love with something that leaves her dirty.

you know that life ain't fair sometimes

self explanatory.

what's a girl to do when she's not strong

she's not strong anymore - she's an addict, she's depressed. she's lonely, what can she do?

when everyone that holds my hand gets cut from all the thorns

she fights with ted. she fights with nymphadora (or tonks, as she prefers to go by). she fought with narcissa and bellatrix. she's marked by her family, and instead of repressing it she spits venom - she goes for the kill, where she knows it hurts. they're trying to help, in what way they know, at least, but she doesn't need help. she doesn't want it. she needs a shoulder to cry on.

i used to put my ear against the wall to hear the screams, to hear the fall more reasons to escape it all

self explanatory. she's heard her parents' fights turn into her sisters' fights and she wanted to leave leave leave

and it's not the answer but i can't carry on i give my best smile, my last dime but i always get it wrong

self explanatory.

it's not 'cause i'm young or from a broken home

excuses, excuses. people tell her she's sad because of x and y. the bigger problem is>

maybe i just fight 'cause i don't know where i belong

<she's lonely!! she doesn't know where she belongs, she feels like a beginner in a master class as she's navigating life, it's new and scary and she doesn't know how to explain it.

angels were never meant to fall and you were the loveliest of all

narcissa @ andromeda or andromeda @ bellatrix . figure it out.

if i thought god could fix it i'd pray for your forgiveness but i've been cast down, thrown out when i crossed to the other side

QUEER ANDROMEDA 🫵🏼

rip

bye

this was fun

[midnightfire830]

Asylum

so are cups n mugs with the questers rn?, and if so what do they think about the wild cup, does cups ever get blackouts?, if you were to list off mental illnesses from cups what would they be, is cups only nice to mugs and literally rabid to everyone else?, is there a cure for cupheads wildness, has cuphead ever actually been to an asylum?, does cups ever experience self loathing or self hate?, does cuphead have medication he takes just to stay sane?, is cuphead even sane?, has cuphead ever been in isolation?, what does cannikan think about his son being like his, does cannikan even know?

Lost toys

So how exactly does everything work?, do the toys have to eat?, does it kinda work like toy story?, for example, the toys could be doin something and someones like “hey andys comin” and then everybody just goes limp, or do the toys have theyre own domain where they exist, or is it kind of like that one tayo the bus movie (i forgor his name T-T), like the humans that own the toys somehow throw them away or lose them some how and they end up in a world with other lost toys like them, what are each of the questers roles?, are there any legos? (Dumb ahh question i know😭), is everything made out of wood and plastic?, what type of toys have theyre faces painted on?, do the toys need to eat?c like toy food or sumthin?, are there any toxic things the toys need to avoid?, like for example acid or soda.. (the soda gets everything all sticky😭)

Angel blood

I think remember you sayin they have some kinda psychic abilities (i thinj), like mugman can do what alice does and feel emotions, and cuphead could see the future, what is the limitation for mugmans ability to sense emotions, can he sense bloodlust or jealousy?, can mugman sense when someone is depressed, or have any mental illness related to emotions?, what was mugman like during the love of tainted bacon chapter?, was he any different?, now for cuphead, could cuphead see when his heart was about to be pulled out of his chest?, if so did he do anything to avoid it?, what are cupheads coping mechanisms for seeing into the future?, if cuphead sees anything important, does he write it down?, could cuphead be able to control it if he worked hard enough?

Ghost

If cuphead was in ghost form would he be able to posses things and people kinda like chalice in TCS?,what would cannikan think,if cuphead could, could he posses the devil?,I remember you tellin me that cuphead had no limits to flying so he could be in like outerspace or sumthin, but in human form could cuphead potentially survive out there?, does cuphead need food?, how fast can cuphead fly?, if cuphead flew out of the earth than put of orbit and THEN out of the galaxy, if he kept flying could he technically fly to another multiverse?

Mermaid

Do the questers just live in an open ocean or is there a civilization of mer people?, if you were to measure any of the questers to an average sized human being, what would be the difference in height?, what kind of fish are they based on?, could they go to the mariana trench?, or how far can they go down?, what are theyre life spans?, can they breath on land and on water?, if any of the questers were to eat human food, what would they be able to eat and not be able to eat?, can any of the questers get legs?, how far away from mainland do the questers live?, if you were to take each quester, how valuable would their scales be? (Or atleast for the ones that do have scales)

Other questions unrelated to aus

I have alot of aus that are unshared, uhhh what would be a good way to get people interested in them?, and what are your human quester headcanons

(Yes im listening to the intense voice of hatsune miku and eating pizza while writing these paragraph long questions)

/lh /t ^^

I’ll answer a couple from each. You’re welcome to re-ask any that I dont answer if you’d like.

Asylum:

If you were to list off mental illnesses from Cups what would they be?

- Cup doesnt exactly have a mental illness. Moreover the demon blood incident took a harder toll against him and he has a way harder time coping and adjusting to it. The main things being he’s a lot more emotionally volatile and unstable. He’s generally in his right mind from day to day. Just if you get him angry and upset he’s quicker to go into a rampage and those rampages last long. And in general he’s WAAAYYYYYY moodier.

Does Cuphead have medications he takes just to stay sane?

- No medications as of yet. If he WERE then maybe anti-depressants or something to treat anxiety. To help with mood swings and regulating his emotions a bit. But those didn’t exist in the 1920s. They were introduced in the medical field in the 50s. And even then, back in the 20s they didn’t have a good understanding of mental illness. Literally people were put in asylums for having ADHD. So. No. No medications. Or official clinical “treatment” outside of what Flug, Hat, and the Devil did to help.

Lost Toys:

So how does everything exactly work? . . . Does it kinda work like Toy Story?

- Pretty much the thing you said “That one Tayo the bus movie”. You know those stories parent’s tell their children when a pet dies? That they went to a farm or something or a better place to make the child feel better? A way for them to cope? That’s a similar idea that I’m going for. The AU is in a child’s imagination. And it’s their favorite toys going to a magical forest where other lost or forgotten toys go to live in the woods together.

What type of toys have their faces painted?

- Cuphead, mugman, Cala, boris, bendy, holly, and Alice have painted on faces. In a sense.

Angel Blood:

What was Mugman like during the tainted love of bacon chapter?

- Well leading up to the love spell mugs wasnt reacting all that well to the experiments. Trying not to get sick and probably had to sit back a few times. So either he wasn’t there for the love spell or he was still under its effect but didn’t care enough to notice the emotions going on around him. Though it was definitely a LOT. Afterwards tho he’d feel very VERY sick.

What are Cuphead’s coping mechanisms for seeing in the future? If he sees something important, does he write it down?

- He keeps a ‘dream journal’ of sorts in his pocket. He doesnt always write every vision he gets but ones that feel important to him or significant he notes down.

Ghost:

In human form could Cuphead potentially survive out there?

- He couldn’t survive in human form out in space. He’d die of suffocation and prolly extreme temperatures and whatever other stardust is out there

Does Cuphead need food?

- Yes He needs food for energy to sustain his body and soul. Even if he were to stay in his ghost form he’d still loose energy and eventually die.

Mermaid:

- So, a bit on the world building:

Short answer: both.

Long answer: the questers live a nomadic lifestyle (no permanent housing, a lot of traveling, etc) Living that kind of lifestyle is very normal for young adult merfolk. Once they get older they leave their families and go off on their own. Start their own pods, explore the world, and figure themselves out. It’s waaayyy more dangerous that way, especially for lone travelers and children. Which is why they usually stick together in groups. From there when they start their own families or get on in their years some decidedly settle down in more permanent housing. And some stay on the nomadic lifestyle. It’s up to preference.

But there are merman civilizations that exist. Most popular being the lost city of Atlantis. It used to be a kingdom on the surface before it fell into the sea. The humans inhabiting it all died out and merfolks moved in. Fixing it up and making it their own. The lost city is now the equivalent to a large city and it’s highly populated by merpeople.

What kind of fish are they based on?

- Ok. Cuphead is a Lionfish, Mugman is a Blue African Peacock Cichlid or and Electric Blue Hap (I can’t tell the difference. They might be the same things I’m not sure), Bendy is a sea monster, his design is based off of the Pixar movie Luca, Boris is a Great White Shark, Felix is a Black Axolotl, Holly is a Yellow Seahorse, and Alice is a White Opal Betta!

I’ll answer a 3rd cuz im obsessed with merman atm

How far away from the mainland do the questers live?

- It varies. But they usually stick kinda close to the mainland rather than far out in the open like most merfolk. They hang out especially along the southern eastern coast of the US in the coral reefs. Like around the Bahamas off the coasts of Florida, Cuba, Puerto Rico, and the Dominican Republic. But they travel other places when they want. Especially for their work, or if they need things that you can only buy in major civilizations.

And a good way to get people interested in your AUs?

Honestly? Just share content. Frequently post art, tease fun things, interact with people in comments or reblogs as much as possible and make as many friends as possible. Build up a community. It’s really, really slow progress. Almost painfully slow. But in the end its worth it.

Have fun! Thanks for the ask!!!

[slutdge]

Heavy subject matter under the cut im just not feeling well and need to get it out of my system

i used to constantly try to convince myself that my experiences with police brutality werent that trauamatizing but im glad i got over that, cause girlypop if you were slammed down on the ground, handcuffed and screamed at to stop resisting (all this during a mental health wellness check) despite yknow. being handcuffed face down on the ground while an officer was digging her knee into my spine so hard i couldnt stand up straight for over a week afterwards was, in fact, bad for your mental health. and this was only one of many instances. dont give these dumb fucking pigs any grace.

with that being said, i dont think ive expressed enough how much you will never feel safe after experiencing police brutality or mistreatment even if its just one time, whether its in your home or in public, you will never feel safe again anywhere because you know first hand they can do whatever they want and get away with it, and its something ive really been struggling to cope with lately now that im kinda drinking less off and on. like i dont know how to function knowing that that could happen again at any time no matter where i am and i couldnt do anything to stop it because even if you dont resist they still wont give you any kind of mercy, there is nothing you can do to snap them out of their fascist power trip because thats why they became cops in the first place. i dont know how to not live in fear and despair when cops are out there especially with the added factor that my abusive parents have on multiple occassions made false 911 calls that ive said i had a plan to kill myself so that i would be arrested and taken to the psych ward every time theyve suspected ive been getting too close to escaping from them and going no contact with them like i want to, even going as far to get a court order to have me arrested. idk i just dont know what to do anymore lol theres not a single thing in my life that isnt tainted with despair idk how im even alive still. sorry for the depressing incoherent late night thoughts, i hope yall are having a good night 🫀 it sounds silly cause its just tumblr but truly this blog is the only place i feel like i can freely express myself and i appreciate everyone who has taken the time to send me kind messages, more often than not thats the only positive thing ill experience in my day

[messengerhermes]

Intrusive thoughts are not you, they're an asshole that needs to pay rent in your brain.

So a thing I wish was better shown about intrusive thoughts, particularly if you've suffered with them for years is how fucking tedious they can get. So I deal with a thing called Moral Scrupulosity. It's a kind of OCD where my brain fixates on the idea of morality--specifically it measures every action I do against my own personal moral code and decides whether or not I am Good or Bad. Only, the game is rigged and I am destined to always be Bad. Not just regular Bad. Tainted Bad. Evil Bad. Destroy everything you Touch Bad. This is a problem I've had for a very long time, but had no idea what the fuck was going on til like 2 years ago. I just thought this was regular depression. I've now hit a stage where this shit comes and goes in terms of severity, though it's always ambiently kind of around like a fart in an elevator. Right now, I'm in the midst of a Harder Time, where I have pretty steady intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts if you're wondering are: Thoughts that you cannot control, that interrupt whatever the fuck you're doing, to say something that is upsetting or disturbing to you. Because I have moral scrupolisity, my intrusive thoughts revolve around: -Me secretly being a terrible person. -Self-Harm as the solution to me being a terrible person. -A random stream of horribly unpleasant things that are at odds with my own morality (usually something about slurs, something about violence, slut shaming, body shaming, etc.) -Panic about other people observing me, judging me, or attacking me. These thoughts used to really really fuck me up every time they started getting bad. I used to question myself and my goodness, and be afraid that I was a terrible disgusting person. Then I learned that intrusive thoughts are not what you actually believe. They're basically like if your spiritual nemesis moved into your head with a bullhorn. This was life changing. Realizing my intrusive thoughts are a mental illness, not what I actually believe or feel, has let me separate my identity from them. I am not my intrusive thoughts. They're just a fucked up interloper in my head. A TV I can't shut off. That does not get rid of the stress they cause me, but it does lessen it significantly. I no longer go into a tailspin with these episodes. I'm still drained by them, but not nearly as much. Because now I focus on rerouting my attention. My thought patterns now look more like: "Ah, yeah, I gotta order groceries today [INTRUSIVE THOUGHT] yeah yeah, alright Timmy. Do I still have oat milk left, or is that shit going bad?" They don't take up nearly as much space in my life, despite however much space they take up in my head. It's still tiring, still annoying, but I'm no longer wasting my life questioning if I'm Secretly Evil pretending to be kind. If you have intrusive thoughts, I hope this post makes you feel less alone, less ashamed, and less afraid. You're not your intrusive thoughts.

[dashielldeveron]

You ever read something that makes you squeal into your pillow?

That was the shinsou route 😭😭

Oh my gosh, every part of it, I just.

I’m so glad you wrote it as you did, because that hesitance and fear and panic is just so relatable, that’s truly how I’d feel about it, could never go right into things, I’d have to have some sort of introduction stretched out to make me comfortable.

And the way you wrote shinsou doing that?????

You’ll make me cry, you really will. He was so gentle, and caring, and so honestly kind and understanding, and their whole relationship was so silly but so deeply sweet.

The way he talked to the reader after Mawata and the whole incident??? And the texts you sprinkled throughout everything?? It was all just so so cute and ridiculously delightful.

Every inch of it made me feel like I was molasses melting into a chocolate mold, it was so sweet and slow and perfect.

Oooh and the bits that mixed with the Aizawa route with the airport explosion and the call??? The call?? The stuff he talked about with Ito? I mean the entire conversation with Ito honestly was hilarious, his concerns about his own name being on him, the intricate detail about the special kanji in his name was so brilliant, and the ‘b*tch, you’re overthinking,’ it was all so amazing

The conversation with Eri was adorable, truly, but what ended up happening with the handwriting thing they noticed? And what happened with the glowing stuff on Shinsou btw?

THE NARUTO SOUNDTRACK BTW???? I physically can not that bit, I just.

💀

‘His quirk ushered in spring cleaning’ I hope you know this metaphor made my heart feel like it’d just been mopped and everything was squeaky and clean and smelled like lemons and mint

The truth or dare thing was felt on such a deep level, sometimes I want to just rush into things to finally get it over with and others I just want to have had the experience without going through the experience, yknow?

The entire call with Shinsou and him finally exploding and telling the reader that it’s ~fine~ to not have had sex and everyone progresses through life at a different rate and it’s nigh impossibly and, bluntly, stupid to put a specific progress bar on it with little stamps on where a specific event must happen. It’s not some line graph to follow, not some game progression to align with, it’s life and it’s your own

That was a nice moment

Shinsous persisting but somewhat subtle sometimes feeling of being a burden and not really being worthy of love was just, abduiemf, that was a whole thing, I understand him so much but also he was so much just, not that it felt wild that he saw himself as such

Also the MEMORY

I’m going feral I wanna know how it went from ‘ice princess’ to ‘baby’ the entire timeline I’m so mentally ill over the rivals to longtime friends to lovers

‘I don’t want to have sex with you <3’

‘I don’t want to have sex with you too <3’

Best confession ever truly

All in all, I love you 😭😭💞

- ✨anon

oof oof oof yes shinsou would be the perfect man for someone like us who needs lots of reassurance and small steps into intimacy; the man is OBSERVANT; he is CONSIDERATE, and he could HAND US OUR ASS if he weren't so kind and in love

ough shinsou

i'm so glad you brought up the aizawa route overlap!! it makes the aizawa route more romantic, i think, that aizawa wanted his soulmate reader close to him in the explosion, while allowing shinsou as replacement to be seperated during shinsou's route.,.,.,.bc aizawa's so focused on protecting his soulmate. ngl i miss him from last chapter.....,,.. and shinsou's kanji being chastity/honest is legit!! that's what hori uses, and while i get the honest part, i'm not really sure about the chastity part, unless it's supposed to be something like chastity as in abstaining from villainous behaviour with his quirk?? but that feels like a stretch. and ohhoho to have ito throw shinsou's own "you're overthinking" right back at him!!!

okay okay okay they did do the second tier tainted love stuff. it's a bit harder to discern in this route, bc this version of reader doesn't know what any of it is or what it means. in last chapter, the soulmate signal would usually come from reader's gut, so in this one, whenever emotions or words that didn't feel like reader's own words surfaced from her gut, that was the receiving end of the intensified soulmate trope dust. i figured that influenced monoma to use shinsou's quirk, reader's "don't be nervous" actions under his quirk, for the gang at the club to play truth or dare (with shinsou not wanting to play it until the word "cliche" is brought up), for the focus on shinsou during the game, for reader and shinsou getting smushed together on a loveseat that no one else can fit on, for her getting jealous and wanting to be marked by him, for the phone call (even though reader low-key regrets it immediately), and how the phone call stuff unfolded, down to her needing shinsou's help. i don't think shinsou realised that reader had genuinely heard all of the conversation with ito about the soulmate thing, though. i think he just thinks he left his phone on, since reader didn't say anything.

the handwriting thing was originally going to be a bigger deal, but i believe i just have a throwaway line in the monoma-is-helping-search section about how we couldn't find matching handwriting? if not, i may have to go back to add that 😬

lololol the dom hype playlist was either gonna be abba songs or the naruto soundtrack, and i thought naruto was better for going into battle/your crush's room

yes yes i see a lot of fics in which characters have sex just to get it over with, so the fact that shinsou is cool with not having the same timeline as everyone else feels so gentle to me. feels like he's handling us with care. and he's deserves to be handled with care as well, even though he doesn't believe he should be???? he's so lovable and lovely, and he doesn't think of himself that way :( baby boy :(

i legit figure that shinsou and reader went from disliking each other to being friends just through like. one or two conversations. bc they've been relying on what other people have said/observed about each other, so when they actually interact they're like oh 👀 really quickly lololololol

but oh my gosh thaaaaaaank you so much???? for feeling deeply about the "his quirk ushered in spring cleaning"??? for being able to relate to reader's insecurities and experiences???? for appreciating and loving shinsou???? for liking the silly confession??? you're beautiful. you're spectacular. and i love YOU. i hope i can continue to meet your expectations :) xx.

[muu-kun]

nothing has changed. no, that is a lie. he is still the bubble, loving person i remember. but he has grown so much that i fear he may have out grown me. muu is a light that a lot of people cant handle, but i can. i want to prove that to him, be the person he needs and loves. forget the past and live in the now. but i am scared that i am not worthy of his love or attention. he is different now, yet still the same. muu is perfect in my eyes, but i know that doesnt matter either. ah, it kind of hurts to think about.

Anonymously send me something your muse is secretly thinking about mine. / Accepting / and definitely not Deo of @falseamore / @ekhis

Nothing has changed. That rose a very important question to come to mind. Did he even want to be changed? His answer on that tended to vary. Occasionally, he stubbornly settled on wanting to be an exact replica of his sixteen year old self. On others, however, he wanted to be removed from it completely in hopes that was the solution for his inability to fit in. Perhaps there was some sort of happy medium he could settle on. Or at least once he was capable of defining such a thing.

Bubbly. God, if he was correct in his assumption of who'd sent the letter into him, he had wished they'd been present when his bout of depression at eighteen had truly peaked. And while maybe their departure around that time had been an assisting catalyst in it, he didn't claim such enough to hold them to such a heart breaking remark. Instead, he was simply curious how different events may have turned out had Deo stayed by to even only just be the scary dog in Muu's life even if nothing else.

muu is a light that a lot of people cant handle, but i can. i want to prove that to him, be the person he needs and loves.

That part on its own had been reread by him at least ten times before he could even move onto anything wrote after. A hopeless romantic at heart, Muu had spent the past decade by itself daydreaming about anything pertaining to the romantic. There was simply something so idyllic and impossible enough to beckon for it in wishes as someone who'd heard and felt an immeasurable amount of times that such a thing was deemed unobtainable for someone like himself. If a magical romance that someone genuinely wanted to provide to him could exist for a very sensitive, mentally ill, special needs young man with the added challenge of a newly diagnosed medical condition, it would've been a truly wonderful truth to be bestowed with.

but i am scared that i am not worthy of his love or attention.

Dear darling Deo, he thought to himself in his subconscious remark, if I had thought you to be unworthy of it when I'd learned you had come back, I'd have already let you have it by now. I'd have kicked your pierced boy part so hard, it would have made it be stapled to where your taint place is.

muu is perfect in my eyes.

Was he sure? Had he been all the unaware that for three days straight, Muu had sobbed, not just cried, over the fact he thought he was dying due to someone theoretically not liking him. Not admittedly holding a negative feeling of that caliber towards him. No, just one he believed existed. It would turn out come one faithful morning that his revisit of the events that transpired that actually had been much more fine that his fast paced heart and anxious mind could recollect with great truth. Certainly remind him never go into an objective field. Something within the universe indicated he could not have managed such an expectation.

"Though I may not be agreeing with all the things in the letter, I still do love the Deo very much. And am the very happy that he has come back to be able to relearn about Muu in the way of watching him do healing. I'd rather.. not say me as something that has outgrown him. More like.. am the appreciative of getting to be seen as growing by him, you know?"

[unpurposed-organism]

This isnt really venting its just pondering really but maybe its a bit fucked idk

I suppose im just some sort of masochist idk. It takes the slightest hormonal shift for me to start thinking about vomiting all the time. And like, i dont actually want to do that, but i keep thinking about it anyway. I struggle to discern how much of that stems from physical nausea and how much is just a mental thing. I also think about cutting which is kind of the same thing as vomiting for me. I like the idea but like ughhhhh i do not want to bleed or sting. Its the wrong kind of pain, i want something more blunt. Like can someone kinda beat the shit out of me. Just kinda, Im fragile. Whatever maaaaaan idk. We gotta stop hormone cycles its making me think weird shit again. Its not bad per say? Like im okay with my weird violent thoughts, but they also coincide with the other hormonal symptoms like being tired and moody so it taints it a bit. Im also just kind of confused? Where is my mind going?? Why is this a thing for me now? I just dont really get it. I think i need to be somebodys dog. That would fix me. But its also the exact weird kind of thing im confused to be thinking. Who am i rn? Idk honestly. I'll have fun looking back at this moment lol. I mean that for real. Someday ill know why im being so weird rn and itll be fun to analyze.

[how-fucking-could--you]

I don't know what its like to have parents that actually care about me. I can't even really imagine it.

I keep waiting for an apology. Somewhere deep deep down I want to forgive and forget and hug and move on. I want an apology, I want the tiniest shred of accountability, I want a reconciliation that will never come. I wait for these things in vain. I wouldn't forgive them even if I got them. No apology would ever be good enough. There is nothing that could ever be good enough now, not from them. But sometimes, on mornings like this, on not enough sleep, or after a bad day, or a little bit too drunk for a little bit too long, the only thing I want in the world is an apology. Half hearted half assed, a single sentence, it doesn't matter as long as its something, some tiny minuscule thing that I could point to to convince myself that maybe they could be better now. It will never ever ever come.

The urge to go crying to your mom, asking her to fix something that only she could doesn't go away as an adult, it doesn't go away even if it was never something you could do as a kid, it doesn't go away if she's turned you down time and time again for decades, it never goes away and I'm not sure that there's any amount of healing or moving on that will ever make it go away. There will always be that little kid in me that begs to run to my mom crying so she can kiss it all better. When I really had my first heartbreak all I wanted to do was to break down in her arms while she told me that I would find love again. When my first car was totaled all I wanted to do was to call her and cry on the phone for an hour about how unfair it is.

The good things are tainted in much the same way. When my best friend had her baby, I wanted to text my parents pictures. I long desperately to call them and tell them that me and my partner are going to start trying for kids in a year or two. I want to tell them that I still write, and share some of it with them. I want them to be proud of me but they don't even love me. Everything I've ever done has been not good enough for them, they've told me time and time again that I'm a disappointment, that they hate everything about me and about how my life is turning out, a life where I'm finally starting to be happy for the first time.

Love the sinner hate the sin, but everything about me is a sin in their eyes. How can you claim to love someone when you hate everything about them from the very core of their being? I love you, but a world in which you're happy in any way is a world in which you are nothing but a disappointment to me.

I know the way that people describe loving parents. I feel like I can almost picture it. Like I'm drowning and the lifesaver is just out of reach, grasping, reaching, struggling so close to being able to grab it but I can never quite get there. I have no choice but to make it on my own.

I know that there is no safety net for me. If I can't do it all on my own, there is no one there to catch me when I fall. My parents will laugh to themselves, talk about how they knew from the very beginning that I would never amount to anything, how its almost sad how helpless I am as if they havent moved in with my grandma a dozen times when we were evicted and facing homelessness, even in their 30s. When they have to rely on family its because everyone needs help sometimes and that's what family is there for, but If I ever were to ask for the same kind of help from them it would be because I'm a failure, a loser than can't even handle the most basic aspects of being an adult, someone destined for nothing nothing nothing forever.

My whole life has been a tightrope balancing act without a net to catch me. Say the right thing, do the right thing, make your parents look like good people. protect them from the consequences of child abuse, manage your mental illness so perfectly all by yourself that they can almost call you normal. Be this, but only when I need you to otherwise being that is an unforgivable offense. Change everything about yourself with a second of notice to fit exactly what they need at any given time. Be more extroverted, talk more, talk less, be quiet, speak up, tell me how you feel, be honest with me, don't show any emotions at all. Everyone that I ever was was the wrong person to be. Every waking second of my childhood was spent trying to make myself into a kid that they would finally love, but there is no one I could have made myself into that they would have loved anyway. There is no version of me in any universe that preformed the characters well enough for them to love me.

When I cry out to my empty bedroom for my parents because life is kicking me over and over and over and I don't know if i can handle another blow, I'm just met with grief that compounds ontop of everything else. Grief for the parents I should have had, grief for the childhood I deserved but didn't get, grief for who I could have been if there were someone, anyone at all, in my corner when I really needed it. The grief is the worst part of it all. Not the flashbacks, not the overwhelming loneliness, not this fear of being truly all alone in the world, forced to stand on my own two feet forever, but the grief of things that could have been.

Nothing short of betraying every fiber of my entire being, all of my beliefs, forsaking every shred of happiness that I've clawed and scraped and and dug to the bottom of the pits of hell to have, nothing short of becoming a completely blank slate, forsaking even my memories, could ever make them love me. And yet I yearn for it. I cry for it the way that a newborn cries for his mom, before he's realized that he's not a part of her body. It feels like a part of me is intrinsically missing and I long desperately to find it. But it was never there. And it can never be found. And I must learn to cope with its absence and the grief that it left behind.

[sunflowersniffles]

A post I didn't want to make

Hello new and returning snzblr users, let's talk about boundaries and consent for a moment.

So I've been a member of the community for 4+ years now, so I've had my fair share of uncomfortable interactions and discourses. However, last night I had a person completely cross the line, prompting me to make this post.

There are a lot of unspoken social rules and norms in our little niche community that maybe should be laid out clearly. If you're new to the space you've probably noticed that many blogs have DNI (Do not Interact) notices in their blog descriptions or in their header images. Personally, I have a DNI and liberally apply the block button because 1. I don't want to interact with minors in a sexual space, and 2. I have seen what happens when our posts leave our side of tumblr (if you remember the pope sneezing post apocalypse you deserve a senior discount). There's other norms on here that I see violated sometimes but this is the most important rule.

What does this mean for you? If you have a blank blog with a default profile picture, a default header image, no blog description, and/or no posts on your page... you're getting blocked. not only by myself but by many others on here. It's not possible to tell if your blog is run by a minor or not, and you also look like a bot (that's tumblr-wide btw, those blogs scream BOT to anyone who's used the site for a long-ass time). So, you know, maybe reblog some posts (or heaven forbid make your own posts) before you start sliding into people's DMs.

Also if you get blocked don't send me an anon asking me why you were blocked. Take the hint and leave me alone, dude.

[moved2usagiiboo]

KinkTober day 7- Somnophilia

Chifuyu x reader

Part one

Wc: 1721

Summary: Chifuyu can't stop these thoughts from flooding his mind, especially when you're sleeping right next to him.

An: I reached 200 followers like a few days ago and just y'all are so sexy for that <3

⚠️ WARNING⚠️ this story contains explicit description of sexual acts like, noncon, somnophilia, breeding, pet names, cum play, praise, and pet names.

Minors do not interact. Go drink a juice box or something.

Chifuyu knew it was wrong, it was shameful. You had no ill intent when you had invited him over for a horror movie marathon, no lustful thinking when you told him he could spend the night because you were worried about him walking home late at night despite knowing he used to be in a gang and can handle himself.

When you offered to sleep together because the floor was hard his heart fluttered, he could feel his face flush. The thought of being in the same bed as you, an innocent act shared amongst friends quite often soon turned dark in his head.

Would he be able to resist?

He tried to turn down your offer, but you were so damn insistent on sleeping together, he couldn’t deny you when you looked at him with such determination and passion in your eyes. If only you knew what he wants to do to you, you would’ve never offered it. Hell, you wouldn’t even be in the same room as him.

23 years old and can’t control his indecent thoughts like some teenage horndog. You inviting him to lay on the bed with sparkles in your eyes as you saw his hesitation once he looked at your asleep attire wasn’t anything more than you being kind, like always. A perfect angel with pure intentions. You were someone who needed to be protected and cared for, not violated, and tainted.

Not that, anything but that.

Somehow, despite his fast heartbeat and worry for what he might do to you he falls asleep and wakes up with you facing him. A leg thrown over his own and arms wrapped around his neck like he was your boyfriend. You did say you liked to cuddle while you slept, but he didn’t think you’d be on him like this, so close. He can see your perky nipples through your thin nightshirt, he can feel your bare legs move every so often against his as you slept.

He should stop himself, go take a cold shower, deal with his problem in the bathroom, he shouldn’t be wrapping his hands around your waist as you sleep. Pulling you nice and close to the point where you nipples are against his own, the slight tough was enough to make him shiver. You grumbled in your sleep as you slightly nuzzled your head against his pillow. Well, your pillow that you let him use for the night.

Your leg pulled him closer as you tried to get comfortable in your sleep. He could feel his body produce sweat and it wasn’t even hot, what’s worse is the raging boner in his pants that’s becoming more and more painful as you nuzzle against him.

He’s a strong man he likes to think, both physically and mentally, but for some reason you cloud his mind. Making it hard for him to think, blurring the lines between right and wrong. If this was anyone else he would have no problem ignoring it, hell, he wouldn’t even had woken up but it’s you. His crush for lord knows how long, the girl he’d walk through hell and back for a thousand times if it meant he could see you smile.

All he wants to be is the reason you smile, so why is he doing something that might make you cry.

His grip on your waist tightens as he battles his inner demons telling him to continue with his acts, that you’d enjoy it, that you’re his pretty little slut, that’s why you wore this to bed, and angels telling him what he’s doing his wrong, that you’ll hate him for it in the morning if you find out. All compelling arguments from the angels in his head, but right now there’s too many forces against him.

Those forces being his cock that’s begging for some form of release, but his hand won’t do it. No, he needs your help. You’re his friend after-all right? You wouldn’t mind, hell, he’ll make sure you don’t even know.

“M’sorry Y/n, m’so sorry.” He whispered in whines as he knew what he was about to do.

So with that he indulges in his sinful needs, his hands traveling your body almost in a greedy manner, wanting to feel and touch everything. He shifts himself so that he can pull both his pants and boxers down to free his cock from the tightness of the fabric, it twitches when the cold air brushes against it. He groans lightly at the breeze against his angry cock.

The salty precum that leaks through the tip is wiped away by his fingers and smeared on your lips only for you to groan in your sleep licking away the liquid thinking it was drool. He could cum right now knowing you gladly drank up his cum.

One hand goes down to push his cock in between your two thighs before finding purchase on your waist, he could almost cry at how good it feels as he moves his hips. Soft whimpers could be heard from his voice as he’s thrusting himself between your soft skin. You whimper softly as the feeling of friction in between your thighs but you never wake up.

“So soft princess, so good for me.” He praises you knowing you wouldn’t hear him. His thrusts get sloppy as he feels himself getting closer to his end, too fast he thinks, way too fast.

He pulls himself out, already breathless.

“Fuck.” His lips find themselves on your neck, his hands on your mounds, he reminds himself that he can’t leave any marks, or you’ll know. He must be gentle, gentle enough so that you don’t know but rough enough for him to feel like he’s claiming you. His hands grip your tits, moving them in a circle and you moan.

You moan.

“Does that feel good?” He mutters against your ear biting on the lobe.

Another breathless, helpless moan emits from your sleeping body. All because of him, this just riles him up. He’s now biting at your neck although he knows the consequences, he’s squeezing and pinching your nipples as he’s dry humping you, his cock rubbing against your oversized shirt not enough to cause him to cum but enough to help with the pain.

“God you drive me crazy, I love you y’know, love you so much it hurts.” He babbles as he kisses your neck once more. He pulls away from your neck with a string of saliva that was proof he was there, he mentally curses himself for the marks he left knowing you’ll be suspicious in the morning but he couldn’t care less right now. His hands lift up your shirt enough to reveal your panties. Pure white with lace and a pretty purple bow, innocent, like you.

“So cute.” He muttered as his finger touches your slit. Oh? Not so innocent, you’re soaking. Does this mean you did want this? That you need this as much as he did? You wanted him too right? That’s why you’re soaking. He toyed with your pussy just enough to stir you while you slept as he placed his cock back in between your thighs once more. You’re turning slightly in your sleep to his touch, you’re letting out breathless moans in the process.

“So, ha- So dirty princess, such a dirty slut.” He began to thrust his hips, light noises of skin against skin could be heard as his hips bucked into your thighs. He kept going, getting faster as he felt a knot in his stomach form. You whimper as his skin slaps against yours. He was getting closer; he could feel his thighs begin to shake as his orgasm approached. His hands on your waist tightened as he fought with his demons once more.

“M’gonna cum, cum right inside you.” He placed his hand on your stomach, “Gonna breed your pussy if you don’t wake up. Gonna make you have my kids, right here baby.” He pressed down slightly.

“You want it too? Deep inside huh? You’ll make a pretty mommy.” He pulls your panties to the side, gathering spit in his mouth before allowing it to drip on his free hand, he smeared the spit onto the tip of his cock before sliding his tip in. He groaned at the instant tightness he felt wrap around him, he was so warm. Felt like a blanket for his cock, it was so good. He never wanted to forget this feeling of your cunt squeezing him, pulsating around him, begging to be filled up.

You whined at the feeling of his cock, you never wake up though. Just positioning yourself to the point where more of his cock is sliding in.

“You want it too? Want my cock? So eager baby, god I love fuckin' you.” He mindlessly speaks as he marvels at the sight of you taking him in.

“So tight, all f’me too, yer pussy’s all mine.” He gruffed against your neck as he rocked his hips back and forth, too worrying about waking you with his harsh movements, sliding just the tip and some change in and out as his hand squeeze the length that didn’t go in, trying to mimic the grip of your walls. He felt his orgasm approaching as you whined and unconsciously clench around him.

“Gonna cum baby, so close— Ah! Be a good girl, fuck— n' let me fill you up yeah?” His legs shook as he slipped most of his cock inside, one, two, three more sloppy thrusts and he’s creaming your pussy with his fluids. A long low groan as he rests his head into your breasts coming down from his orgasm, his cock shoots spurts inside you, as if its never ending. It pulsates and twitches as he pulls it out, he lifts your shirt up more to watch his cum seep out of you.

“Shit— holy shit.” He says out of breath as his cum trickles down to your thigh, he gathers as much of the dripping cum as he can before smearing it on your pussy rubbing it in as if it’s some form of ointment, he grabs more of it and places it on your lips like he did with his precum only to watch you lick it off.

Fuck, he’s hard again.

[troquantary]

Edward Cullen: That Boy Ain’t Right

So I was doing a reread of @therealvinelle 's collection of Twilight metas, as one does, and in "Edward, Denial, and a Human Girlfriend" she mentions that she doesn't believe Edward is sane. I thought, "ha, yeah, he's definitely not," and also, "but wait, what does that mean exactly, please say more about that." But since she's already inundated with asks, I've decided to use my own head-muscle and explore this idea. (TL;DR: I start out more or less organized, synthesize some points Vinelle has made across several posts (and have hopefully linked to them all where relevant but please tell me if not), touch a little on narcissism, then take a hard left into the negative effects of being a telepath.)

Just a couple things to note at the outset, though. Theses have been written already (probably) about Edward as an abuser. Edward being insane doesn't negate that at all; he's definitely an asshole and just...a disaster of a human being. (I find it more funny than anything, but YMMV.) I'm also going to try to avoid talking specifically about mental illness and how it relates (or doesn't relate) to abusive behavior -- that's territory I'm not really equipped to discuss, like at all. My starting point is "Edward has a deeply warped perception of reality," not "Edward has X disorder."

So: deeply warped perception of reality. The evidence? Goes behind a cut, because my one character trait is Verbose.

Vinelle provides a great example of it in the post linked above, which I'll just quote because she does words good: "[Edward] keeps acting like his romance with Bella is a romantic tragedy, and all the cast of Twilight are actors on a stage making it as sublime as possible." Edward's the one to pursue Bella, but he does so with the full belief, from the very beginning, that it will never last; Bella will "outgrow" him, go on her human way, and he can spend the rest of eternity brooding magnificently over his too-short romantic bliss. [Insert premature ejaculation joke.] Turning her is never an option, even though Alice, Noted Psychic, says that romancing Bella will either end with her dead (exsanguinated) or dead (vampire).

This framing, where he's a dark anti-hero in love with -- but never tainting! -- the pure maiden and eventually leaving her in a grand, tragic sacrifice to preserve her soul? It's fucking bonkers. Bella isn't a person to him in this scenario. As Vinelle points out, Bella's never really a person to him at all; he falls in love with his own mental construct, cherry-picking from what he observes of her behavior and her responses to his 20 (thousand) Questions to convince himself that she is the ideal woman.

Bella's not the only one who gets the projection/cardboard-cutout treatment. Edward sees everything and everyone through a highly particular, personalized lens. He filters his entire reality, which we all do to an extent, but the thing with Edward is that he starts with his conclusions and then only pays attention to the evidence that supports those conclusions. Often that evidence consists of what he admits in New Moon are only "surface" thoughts -- but recognizing that limitation doesn't keep him from taking those thoughts as representative of what people are. Edward then becomes absolutely convinced by his own "reasoning" and won't be swayed from what he has decided is Objectively True. It's obvious with Bella; it's also painfully obvious with Rosalie. (Vinelle explains this and brings up Edward's raging Madonna/Whore complex in the same post, so refer to that again -- she's right.)

He also catastrophizes. Everything. Bella's just vibing in her room, rereading Wuthering Heights for the 87th time? She's gonna be hit by a meteor, better sneak into her room while she sleeps. Bella's going to the beach with the filthy mundanes their human classmates? She's gonna fall in the ocean. Jasper's cannibal pals are stopping by for a visit, but know not to hunt in the area? DISASTER, DEFCON 1, ALSO FUCK YOU JASPER FOR EVEN EXISTING IN MY AND BELLA'S SPHERE YOU UNSPEAKABLE BURDEN. Edward must believe that Bella is vulnerable and in near-constant peril, to support the reality he has created in which he is the villain turned protector and maybe?? hero??? (!!!) for his beloved. So when the actual, James-shaped danger arrives, he goes berserk, snarling and flipping his shit and generally not helping the situation. His fantasy demands that Bella remain human, so instead of doing the very thing Alice, Noted Psychic, assures him will neutralize the threat (and not just a threat to Bella, either, but to Bella's family and any other human James might decide to include in the "game"), he vetoes it immediately, no discussion. Bella Must Not Turn, and he sticks to those guns despite James nearly reducing her to ground beef, despite leaving Bella catatonic with depression (but human! success!) in New Moon, despite Aro's order and his family's vote and, let's not forget, Bella's clearly and repeatedly stated desire to be a vampire. It's going to happen. But he doesn't accept it until Renesmee busts out of Bella like the Kool-Aid man and the poor girl's heart finally, unequivocally stops.

Sane people don't behave this way. I don't want to slap labels on Edward, but I can't help but note that he comes across as highly narcissistic. He's the only real person in his universe, the lone player among us NPCs. That probably has a lot to do with him being frozen in the mindset and maturity of a seventeen-year-old boy, but I think it's also just...him, on some fundamental level. His failure to connect with others and recognize them as full, independent beings with their own wants and priorities isn't like Bella's failure -- she's badly depressed. Edward is...something else, and I get the sense that his sanity has been steadily deteriorating over time. And a cursory google of narcissistic traits turns up some familiar-looking stuff. He's self-loathing, yes, but also grandiose; he hates himself for the monster he is (and hates most vampires besides Esme and Carlisle for their monstrosity, too) but still feels superior to humans, to the extent that he felt entitled to human blood and resented Carlisle for depriving him of his "proper" diet. He eventually returns to Carlisle, but he's far from content -- the beginning of Midnight Sun finds him in a state of ennui, bored and dismissive of (if not outright disgusted by) everyone around him, that has apparently persisted for years and years. He doesn't play the piano, he doesn't compose, he doesn't enjoy anything...at least until Bella comes along and then he becomes obsessed to a disturbing degree with her and his new, romantic tragedy spin on reality.

[Next-day edit: I’m not sure where else to fit this in, but the way Edward casually contemplates violence against people who have, at best, mildly annoyed him is...chilling. I have a hard time writing off his strategizing how to murder the entire Biology class as a result of bloodlust -- it’s so calculated, nothing like the blackout state of thirst Emmett describes when he encountered his own “singer,” and that is probably the default for when a vampire is extremely thirsty. But even ignoring the Biology class incident, Edward still does things like consider, with disturbing frequency, how he might grievously injure or kill Mike Newton, all because...Edward considers him his romantic rival (despite Bella barely giving the kid the time of day). He thinks about slapping Mike through a wall, which might be an amusing slapstick image, except as a vampire Edward’s actually capable of turning this boy’s skeleton to a fine powder. So it’s, y’know, kind of sick when you think about it.

But even worse than that, when Bella tells Edward about how she flirted with Jacob to get at that sweet, sweet vampire lore, Edward chuckles and then, after dropping Bella home, flippantly observes that now that the treaty’s broken, why not genocide? I’m not even kidding, it’s right there in Midnight Sun; he seriously thinks about the fact that he’d be technically justified now in wiping out the entire tribe because a teenager tried to impress a girl with a spooky story. That is fucked. Remember, Edward was there with Carlisle when the treaty was first established. He knows how remarkable it is that they even came to a truce in the first place, that it was only ever possible because Carlisle is...well, Carlisle, and that it marks a pretty significant moment in supernatural history. He doesn’t care; he doesn’t respect it, or he’d never think something like “Ha ha, if I went and killed them all, I wouldn’t even be wrong. I mean, I won’t do it, but I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be wrong.”

Again: not the thought process or behavior of a sane person. (Or a person that respects life in general -- sorry Carlisle, big L.)]

Finally, whether he's a narcissist or not, I think the fact that Edward has constant, unavoidable access to everyone's thoughts is a powerful contributing factor to his instability. He can tune out the mental noise to an extent, but he can't stop it -- so he comes to rely on it like another sense. This causes issues with disconnect and lack of empathy, of course, but there's another facet to this shit diamond: he's basically experiencing a ceaseless flow of intrusive thoughts. His narration in Midnight Sun suggests that he "hears" the words people think, can "see" what they visualize in their mind's eye, and can sense the emotional "tone" and intensity of their thoughts. Therefore, perceiving Jasper's thirst through his thoughts makes Edward more aware of his own, "doubling" the discomfort. This would be a lot to deal with even from just his immediate coven members, but Edward gets all of this pouring into his head like a firehose on a day-to-day basis because the Cullens live right alongside humans. I know Meyerpires have galaxy brains or whatever, but that's a ton to process.

Besides the compounding effect on his own thirst when he "feels" the thirst of others, Meyer never suggests that Edward has difficulty separating his own thoughts from other people's; even when he was newly turned, he recognized Carlisle's "voice" in his head as Carlisle's. That would create a whole different host of issues around identity, but it looks like Edward's escaped that particular torment. However, I can easily imagine that what he does experience is just shy of unbearable nonetheless, with an eroding effect on his sanity over decades. He can't sleep to escape it; he's on a dishwater diet and probably (like the rest of his family) experiencing a perpetual, low-grade physical discomfort due to his thirst never being fully satisfied; and he's around far more people than is the norm for vampires -- even discounting all the humans, his own coven is unusually large -- meaning more noise.

Honestly, it would be weirder if he were all there, considering.

And even though I feel like I lost a sense of structure around where I started ranting about telepathy, I've written like 1.5k words about Edward fucking Cullen and I think that's enough for one post.

[hacked-by-jake]

Hi.

I just read your post about you having borderline and that we can get the wrong impression if we Google it.

Well, I can relate.

I have psychopathy, (means you are a psychopath or a sociopath) and whenever I say it, people think the cliche psycho stuff.

But of every 100 people you meet, 1 has psychopathy. And truth is most of everyone who has it, is just a normal person.

Many cliche "psychos" have psychopathy, but not everyone with psychopathy is a "psycho"

Only a bit different, but that's it.

Hey Anon!

Before I answer, I want to say something, rather apologize. I don’t know if you’ve seen my post from the Anon who asked me what cliché I hate most about Borderline.

I replied, and in the end I wrote as a kind of answer to clichés, "No, I’m not a psychopath." It wasn’t right to say that. That was the first thing I thought of when you submitted. I used a cliché myself with this statement and that wasn’t right of me. Unfortunately, I didn’t think about it myself at the time. If you’ve seen it, I really hope I didn’t hurt you. I’m really sorry for saying that. I’m gonna pay more attention to this from now on. (Whether you’ve seen it or not, I just want to resolve it and hope it’s okay with you)

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!!!!And of course a disclaimer before: This is just my opinion, my thoughts and what I think about it. When I say "at least for myself" I’m talking about my borderline and I'm not referring to other diseases. Also not on borderline in general but only my form. And this does not mean every person! ⬇️

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Well, I totally understand you, the problem is the media, movies, books, series, etc. And actually you can’t even blame people because we can be influenced by all this (as it happened to me now)

If we see this stuff everywhere where diseases are presented in this way, and we don’t inform ourselves about what this actually means in reality, then we automatically assume that it is true, as it is shown there in the film (of course not everyone)

Since there is always only one type of disease shown, everywhere it is the same so it must be real. This is actually very unfortunate because it makes people not to dare to talk about their problems and diseases.

To differentiate between the media and the real world would be the best. And more general education about everything. Personally, I don’t think it’s a bad thing that people think that way, just because they may not know better. (Precisely because of all the influence) But what I find a pity is when people firmly bite at it and do not want to learn.

That’s why I always say, "Please don’t google, just ask me"

I mean, somehow we are (almost) all tainted with clichés and prejudices somewhere, which is not bad either (at least for me) and we also sometimes have no guilt about it, but I would just wish that more people would be open to learn more about it.

Also to learn that there are huge differences between the real and the movie life. That this is not the usual and normal and only correct course of such a disease, especially for the media is made extra "exciting". Simply that more people want to understand that this does not correspond to reality or the "normal way".

As you yourself say, many immediately think of the cliché. This can make people afraid, it can unsettle people and the general handling is difficult.

And that’s just the sad thing about it. That we’re not given a chance to explain how it works in real because some people may be intimidated. That’s why I think it’s better to say clearly that these are exaggerated scenes. And that more people listen when someone tries to explain to them that this is not really so.

I really like your example. That you say "But of every 100 people you meet, 1 has psychopathy. And truth is most of everyone who has it, is just a normal person. Many cliche "psychos" have psychopathy, but not everyone with psychopathy is a "psycho""

This makes it very clear and shows how it really is that it is not "always" as it is in the movie or as we can read it etc.

And that goes for all diseases. For all mental illnesses (which are all full of benefits and clichés) also for many physical illnesses.

And above all, it would be nice to understand that EVERYONE is different, that EVERYONE’s diseases are different. That there is only an approximate course but it is different with each and there is no standard. That the feelings for everyone are different, that just nobody has exactly the same.

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Okay, sorry for the little "rant." It’s probably all messed up again and I have no idea if this makes sense. I probably forgot half of it again, but to be honest, I feel like all the words are gone from my head, which is why I’m quitting now. I hope this might explain a little something or what I know, I hope you can identify with it a little bit. You’re definitely not alone. <3

If something’s not understandable or anything, you’re welcome to ask. I am always very nervous about talking about such things because I am afraid I might formulate something wrong etc. So if there’s anything, feel free to write to me.😅

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I hope you’re okay and have a good day, Anon! Take care of yourself! And of course thank you for your openness and for sharing this with us! I really appreciate it!💚

[vivithefolle]

What is your opinion on the parallels between Ron and Neville, especially considering that they both suffer from drastically low self-esteem? People often draw similarities between their arcs, but it seems to me that as the book series went on, Neville gained confidence while Ron lost confidence. Am I missing something?

I think you pretty much summed it up.

You could say that Neville’s self-esteem was inversely proportional to Ron’s.

When Ron comes at Hogwarts, he’s feeling a bit defeated already, but his successes in the first book (where he kinda carries the team) and the second (where he gets a Special Award For Services To The School along with Harry) serve to build up his confidence, culminating with him getting his own wand in the third. Meanwhile poor Neville, while he stands up to Grabbe and Coyle and later to his own friends, is still seen bumbling around and being generally a laughing stock.

After the third book it’s kind of a turning point. Ron doubts Harry openly, makes a fool of himself due to Fleur’s Veela glamour and is pretty much getting slapped in the face by the narration. Neville however doesn’t get humiliated as much, and even gets to go to the Yule Ball without being publically humiliated.

In OOTP the chasm deepens. Ron is bullied horribly... and no one does a thing. Neville, meanwhile, gets McGonagall telling him he’s a great wizard and a promise of her standing up to his grandmother. OOTP ends with Neville having gotten his own wand, and Ron’s triumph over his bullies is eclipsed by his defeat at the DOM.

HBP pretty much spits on every character, even uses Luna Lovegood to convince us to feel sorry for Hermione who has assaulted her friend, and Neville is pretty much the only one to come out unscathed, because he was relegated to the background. He makes a comic relief appearance at Slughorn’s party and that’s all; he’s then here and present when it comes to fighting the Death Eaters during the battle of the Astronomy Tower. Ron is also there, but people seem to forget that Hermione and Luna did not participate much in that fight...

And DH... well, no possibility to see Neville bumbling at Hogwarts in DH now that we aren’t at Hogwarts, is there? But we are given first-seats to see Ron be moody and angry and a general ass... which anyone would be in the situation he’s in (as in, having your family/little sister liable to be executed at any moment by a corrupt government, being anaemic, and being led on a wild goose chase by an asshole who doesn’t seem to care at all about the fact that YOUR FAMILY MAY DIE THE LONGER THIS DRAGS ON), but somehow JKR insists that it’s Ron and only Ron being an asshole, case in point:

This was their first encounter with the fact that a full stomach meant good spirits; an empty one, bickering and gloom. Harry was least surprised by this, because he had suffered periods of near starvation at the Dursleys’. Hermione bore up reasonably well on those nights when they managed to scavenge nothing but berries or stale biscuits, her temper perhaps a little shorter than usual and her silences rather dour. Ron, however, had always been used to three delicious meals a day, courtesy of his mother or of the Hogwarts house-elves, and hunger made him both unreasonable and irascible. Whenever lack of food coincided with Ron’s turn to wear the Horcrux, he became downright unpleasant. - Deathly Hallows

So we have

Ron, however, had always been used to three delicious meals a day, courtesy of his mother or of the Hogwarts house-elves 

... but, um, Hermione too is used to three delicious meals a day, courtesy of her parents and the Hogwarts house-elves -

Hermione bore up reasonably well [...], her temper perhaps a little shorter than usual and her silences rather dour

Nevermind, Perfect Goddess Sue is perfect.

At the end of DH, we still remember that Ron behaved badly in the Horcrux Hunt because blah blah symbolism blah blah poor wee Harry blah blah catholicism parallels with St Peter denying knowing Jesus blah blah blah.

While Neville’s appearance as the fearless, epic Hogwarts leader is still a shock, but also a satisfying moment, especially when he gets his epic speech to tell Voldemort to go fuck himself.

... which leads many to forget that Ron did it before Neville (not that Neville’s speech wasn’t an epic, well-deserved moment of pure badassery).

"You see?" said Voldemort, and Harry felt him striding backward and forward right beside the place where he lay. "Harry Potter is dead! Do you understand now, deluded ones? He was nothing, ever, but a boy who relied on others to sacrifice themselves for him!" "He beat you!" yelled Ron, and the charm broke, and the defenders of Hogwarts were shouting and screaming again until a second, more powerful bang extinguished their voices once more. - Deathly Hallows

But people will mostly recall Neville’s speech. Because it lasts longer than Ron’s simple “he beat you” and Voldemort actually reacts to it, actually holds a conversation with Neville, while Ron’s scream is... mostly ignored. Even his breaking of Voldemort’s Silencing Charm doesn’t impact much, because another, stronger Charm is immediately put in place moments after.

The way Neville and Ron kill their respective Horcruxes is very different, too... Neville does it in an epic moment of badassery, set on fire and everything, and takes the sword from the Hat itself, mimicking Harry’s actions in Chamber of Secrets. It’s a pure, unadulterated moment of epicness, and nothing can taint its sheer badassery (especially if, like the rest of us intellectuals, you ignore everything JKR has tried to establish as canon after DH). Ron, however, kills his affiliated Horcrux as an act of... eugh... redemption over leaving Harry’s side (even though it was clearly the smartest thing to do since the dumbass didn’t even manage to destroy the Horcrux while Ron was gone, so here’s your proof that Harry and Hermione absolutely do need Ron because they’re incompetent nincompoops). Ron killing the Horcrux can’t be called triumphant or a victory, no matter what idiots blabbering about symbolically destroying his inferiority complex try to say - because yeah, symbolism is nice and all, but it’s not because Ron gets a symbolic victory that he’s miraculously cured of it, but hey who cares Ron can’t possibly have a mental illness cuz he’s not Harry haha!!

... Excuse me. I’m still bitter over... things.

Ron’s defeat of the Horcrux isn’t a triumph like Neville decapitating Nagini is. He’s humiliated in front of his best friend, whose opinion he bases most of his self-esteem upon. His dirty laundry is aired for Harry to see. And finally, when he destroys the Horcrux, he is left crying in the snow with Mr Emotionally Stunted for company.

How. The fuck. Do you call that. A victory.

Ron’s killing of the Horcrux is bittersweet. It’s only Harry and Ron, isolated in a small clearing, in the snow. Ron doesn’t get the sword from the Sorting Hat itself, which may make some people think it hasn’t been won properly, even though Ron displayed bravery (jumping into a frozen pond in the middle of winter) and chivalry (rescuing Harry) to obtain it, and Ron pretty much spends the whole time being terrified (of the thing that psychologically tortured him but hey, since when do we care about Ron’s feelings) then apologizing to Harry for leaving (and Harry accepting those apologies when HE TOO OWED RON SOME FUCKING APOLOGIES BUT NAH HARRY POTTER IS TOO SPECIAL FOR THAT).

While Neville’s killing of Nagini is nothing but badass, badass, and re-badass, with loads of people to witness it. It’s epic. Neville obtains Gryffindor’s sword “”“properly”““, by taking it from the Sorting Hat. And naturally, there’s nothing about Neville “redeeming himself for his betrayal of Our Lord And Saviour Harry Potter” to taint that success.

Yeah... at the end of it all, Ron is... not fine. Him “symbolically destroying his inferiority complex” is just fucking that, a symbol. But it doesn’t mean he’s miraculously cured his insecurities and all. It doesn’t mean he’s stopped being horribly fucking depressed. It doesn’t mean he’s not traumatized. But I forgot only Harry’s traumas matter (and Hermione’s, to a lesser extent... what am I saying, Hermione doesn’t get trauma, trauma is for losers, like Harry).

Neville is slowly but steadily built up in the background through the series (huh, kinda like Ginny... wonder why more people won’t point that out). His failures are so commonplace, and usually more in the realms of “accidental fuck-up” than “feeling offended and fucking up because of it”, that it’s hard to be angry at him. Meanwhile Ron’s failures feel more personal, because he’s so important to Harry and Harry takes Ron’s disagreements with him as personal attacks like the idiot fuck he is.

So, while Neville gradually gets stronger in the background, Rowling brings Ron down a little more in every book, because as the books go on she can’t bear to have Harry and Hermione fuck up, so Ron has to do all the fucking up so she can pretend the other two are perfect instead.