#Also would love if OCD depictions showed this kind of shit

[messengerhermes]

Intrusive thoughts are not you, they're an asshole that needs to pay rent in your brain.

So a thing I wish was better shown about intrusive thoughts, particularly if you've suffered with them for years is how fucking tedious they can get. So I deal with a thing called Moral Scrupulosity. It's a kind of OCD where my brain fixates on the idea of morality--specifically it measures every action I do against my own personal moral code and decides whether or not I am Good or Bad. Only, the game is rigged and I am destined to always be Bad. Not just regular Bad. Tainted Bad. Evil Bad. Destroy everything you Touch Bad. This is a problem I've had for a very long time, but had no idea what the fuck was going on til like 2 years ago. I just thought this was regular depression. I've now hit a stage where this shit comes and goes in terms of severity, though it's always ambiently kind of around like a fart in an elevator. Right now, I'm in the midst of a Harder Time, where I have pretty steady intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts if you're wondering are: Thoughts that you cannot control, that interrupt whatever the fuck you're doing, to say something that is upsetting or disturbing to you. Because I have moral scrupolisity, my intrusive thoughts revolve around: -Me secretly being a terrible person. -Self-Harm as the solution to me being a terrible person. -A random stream of horribly unpleasant things that are at odds with my own morality (usually something about slurs, something about violence, slut shaming, body shaming, etc.) -Panic about other people observing me, judging me, or attacking me. These thoughts used to really really fuck me up every time they started getting bad. I used to question myself and my goodness, and be afraid that I was a terrible disgusting person. Then I learned that intrusive thoughts are not what you actually believe. They're basically like if your spiritual nemesis moved into your head with a bullhorn. This was life changing. Realizing my intrusive thoughts are a mental illness, not what I actually believe or feel, has let me separate my identity from them. I am not my intrusive thoughts. They're just a fucked up interloper in my head. A TV I can't shut off. That does not get rid of the stress they cause me, but it does lessen it significantly. I no longer go into a tailspin with these episodes. I'm still drained by them, but not nearly as much. Because now I focus on rerouting my attention. My thought patterns now look more like: "Ah, yeah, I gotta order groceries today [INTRUSIVE THOUGHT] yeah yeah, alright Timmy. Do I still have oat milk left, or is that shit going bad?" They don't take up nearly as much space in my life, despite however much space they take up in my head. It's still tiring, still annoying, but I'm no longer wasting my life questioning if I'm Secretly Evil pretending to be kind. If you have intrusive thoughts, I hope this post makes you feel less alone, less ashamed, and less afraid. You're not your intrusive thoughts.

[kai-ninjago]

NINJAGO HEADCANONS FROM THE REAL KAI NINJAGO

Picrew by naylissah :)

Please refer to my age headcanon post for reference

(Warning for brief mentions of s/h, suicidal ideation, eating disorders, canon typical violence, and gender dysphoria)

A character named Day will be mentioned sometimes, that’s my s/i— he’ll be in the next post :]

Cole (he/him, gay)

(The picrews depict him as a human and as a ghost— I would have made early seasons vs late seasons, but I headcanon that he used to straighten his hair instead of actually taking care of it, and there weren’t many straight hair options lol— anyway)

6’1”

Afrolatino

Has anxiety, OCD, depression, manageable aquaphobia (leftover from being a ghost), and PTSD

he has had a crush on Day since like early season one, but they didn’t start dating until after season five

Smoked cigarettes as a younger teen until Sensei made him quit when he started training— only Jay knows this

His best friends are Jay, Nya, and Day

Still feels kind of awkward with Zane, cause Zane and Day were dating for a few years

Has a tattoo of rocky on his back

Never really liked Sensei Garmadon, but still respects him

His hobbies include cooking, listening to music, dancing, drawing, and calligraphy

He actually becomes really good at cooking over time, he just sucked in like season one because he was still learning

Attended fancy private schools before running away

His favorite genres of music are classic rock and classical (like piano and shit)

Contrary to what some may think, he’s not actually naturally gifted at dancing. He still dances for fun, but was never exceptionally good at it

His OCD manifests through checking behaviors, like making sure all the doors and windows are locked

Used to s/h a lot but fell out of the habit when he became a ghost and has been clean for a while since then

Jay Walker (she/he/they, transfem sapphic bigender)

(The picrews depict them in early seasons, like s1-3 and then later on, once she’s further along in her transition)

5’7”

Mixed white/japanese

Has anxiety, bpd, autism, and severe PTSD from the abuse they suffered on misfortune’s keep

Bleaches her hair, it’s naturally brown

Stims by playing with her hair— during prolonged periods of stress (like during any of the show seasons where they’re fighting bad guys for a few months) they get bald patches from tearing out their hair

Also stims by chewing and humming

Was homeschooled

Her special interests are Starfarer, space, robots/technology, and dinosaurs

Gets around four hours of sleep on average, spends a lot of time reading or playing video games at night

It took a really, really long time for her to learn to cope with everything that happened in season six. For a few months she couldn’t even train with the others because seeing someone raise a hand against her, even to spar, would trigger a panic attack

Infodumps a lot and never really feels shy about this because they grew up with the most supportive parents ever <3

Realized she was not cis all the way in season one, but didn’t bother to figure it out until they had some time away from the team in between seasons three and four

Started casually dating Nya in season one, fell really deeply in love, was heartbroken when Nya broke up w them for being too attached, was still in love with her all the way until several years later, when Nya fell back in love with her and they rekindled their relationship several years after season six. Nya was willing to try dating again because over the years Jay had matured and become more emotionally independent

Gets lichtenberg scars from using her lightning powers

Eyes glow when powered up

Over time she becomes really self conscious about her body, and no longer feels comfortable wearing anything that reveals their scars out in public— doesn’t mind changing clothes along with the rest of the ninja, though

The scar over her right eye is from something completely unrelated to ninja business, however— it’s a burn from an explosion when Jay was building an invention prior to meeting Wu

Her best friends are Cole, Day, and Nya

Kai Jiang (he/him, bisexual trans male)

(Picrew depicts him in like season one vs the end)

5’4”

Mixed Latino/chinese

Has autism, depression, extreme aquaphobia, has recovered from an eating disorder, and PTSD

Nya is the only person who knows his deadname

Used to be extremely underweight because they had the type of body where, if thin enough for the fat to come off his breasts, his chests almost looked flat

He has since been able to go on testosterone and had top surgery, and is more comfortable gaining weight

The habit to always just say he’s not hungry was also influenced by him and Nya not having enough to eat as kids, so he’d always let her have as much of his food as he could get away with

After years of living with Wu (who is old and rich) he’s also grown slightly more used to having things and being able to eat as much as he needs

Doesn’t s/h on purpose, but subconsciously picks and tears at his skin, so he’s always covered in bandaids. He also acts recklessly in battle when he’s feeling suicidal

Always gets his hair cut by Nya— in fact, most of the ninja do

His joints are all weird from breaking them and not going to the doctor about it

Dropped out of school when his parents disappeared so he could focus on running the blacksmith shop— he wanted Nya to be able to stay in school, but that only lasted until around jr high, at which point they couldn’t afford tuition

He stims by hitting himself and doing repetitive motions (like clapping his hands or bouncing his leg)

He’s really insecure about his appearance because he thinks he doesn’t look as masculine as the rest of the team

Has a stuffed animal as his comfort item. He gave it to Lloyd as sort of an olive branch when they first started living with the team, but has since gotten it back

Had a crush on Skylor— they dated for a while, but broke up cause they realized they’d be better as friends lol

His best friends are Jay, Zane, and Day

Zane Julian (ai/him, queer, nonbinary)

(Picrew shows Zane’s “human” appearance and after ai was rebuilt)

5’11”, 6’5” (rebuilt)

Dr. Julian modeled Zane after himself, so both of them are black and albino

(However, Zane has purple eyes because that was Dr. Julian’s favorite color)

Zane’s magical power source gives ai a more human consciousness, meaning ais capable of having depression and PTSD despite being a droid

Only uses “he/him” for convenience because ai presents masculinely— ai feels indifferent to the standard pronoun sets, but uses “ai/ai/ais” pronouns with close friends because it gives ai euphoria

(Ai/ai as in artificial intelligence)

Would definitely be dead if ai didn’t have Pixal to calm ai down during ais depressive episodes

Zane is the calmest and most levelheaded of the group; ai isn’t shaken by much— the one thing that truly scares ai is the fact that ais friends are mortal, and ai is not

Only ever talks to Pixal about being depressed. Pixal understands ais fears best because Pixal is also an immortal robot

Ai was dating Day from season one until the beginning of season three, when ai broke up with him because ai realized ai didn’t really love him that much.

Zane then pursued a queerplatonic relationship with Pixal, who ai felt a strong emotional connection to

Ai was rebuilt a lot bigger and stronger than before because the people on Chen’s island who repaired ai made ai to be the ideal fighting droid, and when ai had been built the first time ais only purpose was to enjoy life, not fight

The scar on ais face in the first image is from when the great devourer tried to stab(?) ai with it’s pointy tail, but just barely got a piece of ai’s face. Part of it fell off, but Jay welded it back on

Ais best friends are Pixal and Kai

Knows literally everything (is a robot) but ais weird power source can cause them to experience some human flaws, like forgetfulness

Nya Jiang (she/her, bisexual and demiromantic with a female preference)

(Picrews show season 1 vs the end)

5’5”

Mixed latina/Chinese

Has OCD, PTSD, anxiety, and bipolar disorder

Younger than Kai by one year (they’re siblings fyi)

Doesn’t remember her parents very well

Feels responsible for making everyone in the group feel happy and safe

She gets recurring nightmares and experiences insomnia during stressful times in her life

Picks at her skin when anxious and has some scars on her face— she used to feel self conscious about them, but doesn’t really care anymore

Her best friends are Day and Zane

Used to straighten her hair

Ends up having the most tattoos and piercings out of the whole team

Is very competitive

When she and Jay were first dating, she didn’t view it as anything more than really casual kinda stuff because she saw them as more of a friend back then

Has always put a lot of pressure on herself to not be a burden ever since her and Kai’s parents disappeared

She has a really hard time asking for help because of this

She is closer with Sensei than the rest of the team, and views him as kind of a father figure

Secretly liked being samurai x more than the water ninja

Has an undercut now

Is really good friends with Pixal and Skylor

Okay that’s all for these characters— in my next headcanon post I’ll talk about my s/i, Morro, Pixal, Skylor, Ronin, Lloyd, and maybe some others!

[multiverse-in-archive]

Achievements Analyzing for the Sake of Characterization

((Because what is my liiiife-

Anyways, after bringing up the Oracle Turret as a means of pointing to a softer side of Chell, I decided to look into the other achievements in both of the Portal games [including the Still Alive port] and Mel’s mod for my interpretation of Chell and Mel’s characters [ignoring the ones that are either achievable outside of the main storylines or through deaths, the former I don’t consider canon to them because, you know, not in their stories, and the latter because them dying is def not canon.] because I find that taking certain actions being rewarded is a tad interesting. 

Now, these are probably me reaching, buuuuut since Chell and Mel are blank slates, I don’t have too much to go off of, so I’m grasping at as many straws as I can for them.

Anyways! Let’s get started!

Chell

Not really much to say with these ones. You get all of these by advancing the game. Though I would like to point out two of them;

One, the Fratricide Achievement. By definition, fratricide is the act of either killing your sibling or your ally. This is the achievement you get for euthanizing your Companion Cube. Both the name of the achievement and its description catches my attention. The title reinforces, at least to me, that Chell felt some connection to her cube in some compacity. However, the description the extent Chell is willing to go to survive. We all no that she is stubborn and never gives up, but this instance demonstrates that Chell, if she absolutely has to, is willing to sacrifice an ally or even a loved one to stay alive. Really, Wheatley’s not too far off when he called her selfish, which, oof-

And the second one is the SaBOTour Achievement, the one you get for following after Wheatley during your little jailbreak. Not much given, just like the little icon, depicting a stick figure [the player] running while holding a core [Wheately]. idk I think it kinda implies Chell’s intention of not just using him for her escape, but genuinely wanting to escape with him. And I think it’s sweet. Maybe I’m reaching here, but god dammit lemme have this-

Chell’s skills(tm). This shows the extent of her reflexes and speed as well as how well she can solve tests. Not only is she good at avoiding getting shot and can solve at least one test without ever even touching the block needed for it [I know you can get this achievement automatically by solving Wheatley’s first test, but you can actually earn it earlier if you’re clever enough in the sixth chamber] but she’s such a pro that she can manipulate a rocket turret to shoot its own rocket, catch a wildly bouncing box before it even touches the ground, and can even complete at least one test in a little over a minute. 

What I’m saying is that she’s practically got super humanly fast thinking and reaction and is overall abnormally efficient. Like, jesus, Chell relax-

Though, to be fair about the last one, the test chamber 10 in question is in Portal 2 Chapter 2, and she’s basically seen it all at this point, so it’s not like she’s naturally this fast.

Chell’s portaling habits. The first two seem to imply Chell testing out the capabilities of the portal gun. Though I am also inclined to believe that along with the Saw That One Coming, Drop Box, and Overclocker Achievements that the first one could also imply that she’s a bit of a show off, or at least that she likes to make personal challenges for herself.

As for the Out of the Blue, this could imply the order in which she puts down the portals.

These are achievements that are rewarded to you for being thorough [I’ll explain the the Scanned Alone Achievement in a sec-] enough to find them. I believe these can point to her being a rather curious and observant person with an experimental “try everything that won’t definitely kill you” sort of thinking. 

And the Scanned Alone Achievement can even further that “Try everything” way of thinking, and also demonstrates that not all her ideas work, but hey, at least she knows. 

Also it’s funny as fuck to think that this was an idea she had before grabbing a defective turret, and I’m disappointed that Wheatley did not comment on it-

Chell’s relationships with the [rather few] sentient beings she’s encountered, not counting the antagonists. The short answer? She loves Companion Cubes and fucking hates Turrets. To the point where she goes out of her way to destroy them once they deactivate.

Though, the No Hard Feelings Achievement demonstrate that she’s not so blinded by hate that she isn’t willing to make exceptions or recognize that not everything is out to hurt her, and even show some compassion every once in a while. Or at the very least mercy.

Oh look, instances of Chell being a defiant lil’ shit. What a surprise-

For real, though, Chell absolutely goes out of her way to be a nuisance to her antagonists in any way she can. Just give her half a god damn chance to do so-

Although the name of the first depicted achievement, Camera Shy, also implies that she doesn’t very much like to be watched, fuuuurther reinforced by her smashing Wheatley’s monitors when solving his tests. Though that could also be her demonstrating just how pissed with him she is-

Mel

Unlike with Chell, I’m skipping Mel’s story related achievements because I don’t have anything to say about them.

Also, Portal Stories: Mel has a lot of achievements that involve you dying [Though I have an interpretation on that that involves one of the few achievements that don’t involve dying], so as a result, I don’t have nearly as much to work with. But I will try-

These all demonstrate both curiosity, sharp eyes, and just absolute stubbornness.

Though unlike Chell, she seems to have less of a want to experiment and more of a want to explore or in the case of the Determined Achievement, to not leave things unfinished. And often times goes against Virgil’s advising against it. Probably OCD as fuck-

Also she recognizes that Companion Cube is shaped like a friend and is sad that she can’t take it with her-

An example of Mel’s bitchitude. This combined with her refusing to take Virgil’s advice at the start of their partnership is that she didn’t particularly like him. Aaaaand now that she met him in person, she can get back at him by making him as frustrated as he made her.

And to be fair, Virgil painted himself as untrustworthy from the moment he woke her up and was overall kind of a jack ass, so yeah, it’s fair to think their relationship is rocky at first. Although overtime they did end up growing on each other, so.

Also a pretty fun reference to when Wheatley tried to bust Chell out-

The only achievement where you can be hurt without fucking dying. And here’s my interpretation on this.

Unlike Chell, not only is she very much inexperienced with the Aperture brand bullshit, but she’s also not quick enough to avoid getting hurt. 

And that could go back to how the experiment she signed up for affected her health. Remember what Virgil said? The chemicals that Mel was pumped full of could cause heart attacks from the mere exposure to them. Not to mention the instances where she was having trouble physically exerting herself.

Rocks falling everywhere? All she could do was walk up the stairs [if she didn’t take the elevator]. Heavy door Virgil directed her to? She couldn’t open it, no matter how hard she tried, so they were forced to go a different route.

And keep in mind, she used to be an Olympic Athlete. A track runner to be more precise. Competed in the 1936 Nuremberg games. And after the cryogenic sleep test, she’s been brought so out of shape that she can’t even run like she used to [probably from atrophy combined with her heart attack prone... heart...]. And then having to navigate so many dangers? It’s not a surprise she’s gotten hurt throughout the journey. Hell, it’s a wonder she survived holy shit-

Aaaaanyways, I think that’s all of the achievements I could find. I would do one for Gel, but I couldn’t find any achievements for Aperture Tag. So. Fack-

Either way, hope this was a fun, or at least legible blabber of sorts.

[thecrookedgavel]

The Black Box Readings - Ep 1 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 1 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down. 

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome to The Black Box Readings, the new podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. So basically, it’s a show where I narrate through a deleted or deactivated blog over the course of a season, with a focus on queer artists. Though to be honest, there was a specific blog that inspired me to make this podcast, and unless this format is super popular, I may just do the one season. Anyway, although reading things in a dramatic fashion is definitely in my wheelhouse, non-fiction podcasts are not. So please bear with me while I go through some growing pains as I try and figure this thing out. 

Alright, so this season, we have the story of a digital artist who caught my attention with a really cool piece of Overwatch fanart. It’s about her journey through a life spent mostly online, disability, and navigating through the difficulties of realizing that you’re trans.

For those of you not in the know, I am a disabled trans woman myself, so it’s not a journey I’m altogether unfamiliar with. The biggest reason I’m doing this podcast is because stories like ours get drowned out in the media. I wanted to be able to tell her story so that queer people, young and old, can hear something that resonates with them. And I have a good feeling that this will do that for you.

The Tumblr in question, I won’t say the address. Just know that the title of the blog was: “Less Than Human”. Yeah, I know. Not a very cheery introduction. I sort of choose to think of it, kind of like reclaiming a slur. If she calls herself less than human, other people lose the power to hurt her with it. I’m telling you the blog title because it is important later.

Anyways, enough out of me, here’s the first post of the episode, which happens to be the first post of the blog itself. It’s titled:

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is -”

Ok, so I guess I didn’t think this through. In the post, she uses her deadname, and I don’t feel comfortable reading it out to you all. If I have to choose between deadnaming a trans girl and being a little inaccurate, I’m choosing inaccuracy. I should say, actually, that I don’t consider myself a journalist or anything like that. Also, I get it would be bad of me to use her real name too. So we’ll just call her… Hmmm…. Ok, let’s go with Emmy.

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is Emmy, and I’m 19 years old! Nice to meet you guys! I’ve decided to start posting on my tumblr instead of using it as a dash, lol! I’m a visual artist, though I mostly stick to digital art these days. I spend most of my time reading. My fandoms are Gravity Falls, Steven Universe, Supernatural, Sonic the Hedgehog, Marvel, and of course, Shrek! Lmao. I think Cat Girls are cute, but I’m not a weeb”

*Laugh* I never read this post while she was active. Her sense of humor is really present in this post, she was always silly like this. Anyways, she follows up this post by posting a backlog of art that I figure she must have made and not shown to anyone. It’s all really good stuff. Some fandom, some original. It’s clear to me that she’s not posting her earlier, rougher work. I don’t remember too many details though, as this was a while ago, and I didn’t think to save her artwork when I was copying all her text posts into the google doc. I hope someone out there saved them before they were deleted, though.

I’m not going to bore you by reading every single one of her posts, or anything like that. Just the ones that stand out to me. Here’s one about Supernatural and how she might be falling out of love with it. 

“I don’t know guys, I’m finding it hard to watch supernatural these days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still one of my favorite shows, it’s just totally not as good as the first 5 seasons. That and I WANT DEAN AND CASS TO BE TOGETHER! Is that so wrong? Look, Cass is an immortal being that just HAPPENED to take a male form. If he had a female form, you can bet that he and Dean would have banged already. I’ve read the tumblr posts too, the ones that talk about all the hints the writers give that Dean is gay. This is ABSOLUTELY queerbaiting, and even as a straight guy, I can see that. I have a lot of gay mutuals who have convinced me how ultimately cute Dean and Cass are, and I feel bad for them, because they’re not being treated fair. You think in its 12 seasons there would be something, but no, nothing. Pisses me off”

Here is where we start seeing a connection between Emmy and queer culture. Although she’s currently IDing as straight and male, you can tell she cares about queer representation. Now, I’m not saying that wanting good queer content makes you queer, of course not. Just that knowing that Emmy is queer, when you look back at her earlier posts, there’s some evidence there. She even talks about Castiel, a male character, having a female form, which I find interesting for obvious reasons.

Next up is a post about something outside of her fandoms, a show called Monk. For those of you who don’t know it, it’s a show focused on a detective with OCD who uses his disability to solve crimes no one else can. As someone with OCD myself, I really enjoyed the show, but it’s not without its problems. Hmm, yeah, I’ll get to those after reading the post, I think

“I’ve been watching a new show lately! Well, a show that’s new to me at least. It’s called Monk! I’m 3 seasons in, and I laugh every episode. But it’s not without its serious moments too. It’s about Adrian Monk, a detective with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and it’s like a super power to him. He can do things no one else can. But he also can’t do things that everyone else takes for granted. Mood. He always says “It’s a gift… And a curse” when talking about it. Big mood. Anyway, I highly recommend it, because it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill! I’m so used to people who are “crazy” being mass murderers or some shit. Idk, it’s heartwarming.”

I noticed one of the hashtags of her post was, “Finally found a version with captions.” This is important for later and I’ll get to it by the end of the episode. Where the previous post was the first we saw of her queerness, this is the first we’ll see about her connection with mental illness. It’s unclear if she feels her inabilities are balanced off by her abilities, or if her “mood” was just about her being unable to do what others can. Since her “big mood” is regarding Adrian Monk’s favourite quote “It’s a gift and a curse”, I like to think she was being positive and was including her abilities in the “mood.”

While I do agree with Emmy that it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill, and that’s certainly better than having yet another bad guy is who’s only evil because he’s crazy, I’m worried that it’s too positive. It’s actually a really common trope where neurodivergent people in media are seen as “super human,” like Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory, or uhh, the main character from The Good Doctor, I forget his name. It makes it look like everyone with autism or OCD are geniuses, and that sort of skews how neurotypicals view people like us in a negative way. Like, I do view my OCD as a gift, I wouldn’t be able to write the way I do, or play video games the same way if I didn’t have it. But I’m not a superhuman by any means. But I’m expected to, in some sense, outperform everyone because of my OCD, because of this impossible standard set by the media. *Sigh* I’m sorry, I’m getting really off topic. I hope you don’t mind this little rant.

Back to Emmy, I find it a little upsetting that she feels herself cursed in some way. Knowing what I know about her, I like to think she was more gifted than cursed, but given the title of her blog, I doubt she would agree with me. We can glean from this post that she is disabled in some way or another. Maybe she herself has OCD? Or maybe she just relates her own, different disability to OCD? It’s hard to tell at this point, and I don’t want to spoil it, especially since it will come up again in a few posts. 

Next up, we have a post about not just queer characters, but lesbian characters. I’m sure you have heard of Overwatch by now, even if you haven’t played it. Well, the creative devs promised us that a handful of the cast was queer, and at least to me, it seemed like an empty promise. Hmm, I guess it seems a little bit like the queerbaiting conversation we had earlier. Interesting. You know what I mean, right? Like, why take the risk of pissing off the straight, cis part of your fanbase with queer characters when you can just say some characters are queer and attract a bigger queer fanbase that way? But then they did something that blew me out of the water. They made a comic where Tracer has a girlfriend. This next post from Emmy is about this reveal.

“Merry Christmas! And what a Christmas it’s been. Because I got something I’ve been asking for for a LONG time. Blizzard made Tracer gay! I’m not the only one who’s been asking for this, a huge chunk of the fandom has been saying that Tracer is only into other girls. It’s been my headcanon for so long, and now it doesn’t have to be, because it’s canon! Tracer and Emily are so cute together! And their kiss is so hot too! Yeah, lesbians are really hot in general. They’re every guy’s ultimate fantasy. Thanks, Jeff!”

An: Ok, so before we continue, I think I need to apologize on Emmy’s behalf for the way she talks about lesbians. As a trans lesbian, I had a period where I talked about lesbains that way too. Before I came to terms with that identity, I mean. Since you believe you’re a straight guy, there’s no real explanation for why you’re so into lesbians other than them being a male fantasy. But it’s more than that. It’s part of like, seeing yourself as a girl that the idea of being with a girl that likes girls... that is so fundamentally appealing. 

Like, ok. *sigh* I remember this one time very clearly… I was with my girlfriend at the time and a friend of mine at a bubble tea shop. This was probably 9 or 10 years ago now? Jeez. Anyways, this couple of girls starts making out at the table next to us, and I had a full on sexual awakening. I remember that I couldn’t look away. Mostly because my ex wouldn’t let me forget it. I got teased by my friend and berated by my ex. Because I couldn’t explain what happened to her, let alone to myself, I eventually came up with a rather math-y explanation involving vectors of attraction *laugh*. Something like, if women are attractive to me, and men are not attractive to me, then adding their vectors together gives less attraction than two women’s vectors being added together. It was pretty stupid. I don’t talk to either of those two people anymore, by the way. 

Anyways, my point is that since this is before she’s realized she’s a lesbian herself, she’s under the false impression that she needs to sexualize lesbians in order to explain why she’s so attracted to the concept. So please don’t hold that against her. 

---

With that out of the way, we can move on to her next post. It’s a piece of art she made, and it’s pretty special to me. You see, this was the way I found her blog. One of the blogs I follow, who knows which at this point, must have reblogged it and it came across my dashboard. Again, I don’t have a copy of any of Emmy’s art, but I remember it pretty well. It’s a picture of Emily wearing Tracer’s outfit... Shit… Why did I give Emmy a name so close to Emily? Emily as in Tracer’s girlfriend. Maybe it’s because of my association with her and this drawing? Either way, it’s too late now, I’m not re-recording this whole episode. *Sigh* We’ll just stick with the blogger being named Emmy. Anyways! She’s sort of looking a bit out of place, like she doesn’t know how to feel about having a Chrono-accelerator attached to her chest. There’s a speech bubble in the frame pointing off screen that says, “You look marvellous, love!”, or something to that effect, but it’s obviously supposed to be Tracer saying it. It was a really cute drawing, and I was really fond of it, so I liked and followed. Feels like so long ago. 

Anyways, she did reblog the picture afterwards, saying:

“Thank you so much for all the notes! I really appreciate the support. Who knew that something so dumb would be liked by so many people? I really like Emily, and I hope she’s added as a Hero in Overwatch soon! I feel so happy! I’m going to go and do some more drawing, so keep an eye out for more posts!”

Not much going on in this post, but I decided to read it anyway because it contrasts so heavily with the next post. Not the next time she posted, but the next post I’m going to read. Actually, it’s the last post of this episode. 

So, I’m going to warn you, this is a side of Emmy we haven’t seen yet. The really negative side. *Sigh* I don’t know what set her off, maybe nothing did, but I think this post is very important to read to you, as it clears the air about her disabilities.

“I really appreciate all the love you’ve given my art, but I feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I’m so broken and worthless and I’ve only been pretending to be normal so that you’ll all like me. The truth is, I’m physically and mentally disabled, and life is just a never ending struggle. 

First off, I’m deaf. Very deaf. The quietest thing I can hear in either ear is a chainsaw. It means I can’t understand speech or anything I’d need to be social. I don’t know sign language at all, I was never taught. So I just… stay inside all day. I’ve been homeschooled by my Dad since I was young. He thinks something bad will happen to me if I go outside, because I couldn’t hear something like a car coming towards me. So I live my life online, for the most part. I feel so isolated, and like I can’t relate to anyone normal. 

Also, I have Bi-Polar Disorder. For those you don’t know of it, it basically means I have high highs and low lows. I’ve done a good job so far at hiding my lows from everyone and only showing my highs. Until now, I guess… I just feel so low today, and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I just had to be real. Even if it’s an ugly side of me that I hate. My dad hates how moody I am too. He just doesn’t get that it’s not my fault. Even my highs are hard for him to handle sometimes. Anyway, please forgive me for lying so long”

So, I sense a bit of imposter syndrome here. She’s gotten some success and because she views herself as not even a normal person, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. It’s a pretty common feeling amongst content creators and something you have to move past if you want to make stuff. It’s like, *sigh* like me, I’m not an expert voice actor, why are people listening to me? I have tricked them into thinking I’m worth listening to. If you’re feeling that way about a recent success, just know that it’s all bullshit and it’s normal to feel that way. I wish I had that knowledge at the time I originally read that post… Because then, I would have messaged her and let her know. But yeah, we have more to unpack here.

She talks about being deaf, and the level that she describes is a profound hearing loss, which is as bad as it gets. I have that level of hearing loss in my left ear, and it’s really hard to deal with. So, I kind of can’t imagine what it would be like to have it in both ears. 

Like, for me, I remember this one time where I was at my locker in high school, and someone must have been asking me a question a few times on my bad side. She wanted to know if I had any extra bus tickets, and by the time I finally caught on that she was talking to me, she said something like “Urg, I just want to punch you.” And it wasn’t a joke either, she was very frustrated with the way my hearing loss had affected her. It made me feel small, and like I was an inconvenience to those around me. Guess it didn’t help how I felt that I had a crush on her at the time… Ha… *Sigh* It was very isolating to grow up like that. I didn’t really belong there, but I didn’t exactly belong in the deaf community either, since I could hear fine out of one ear. So when Emmy describes how isolating it is to be deaf and not know sign language, I get it. I really feel that. When I saw this post, it really made me feel for her. This is probably the point in time where I made a mental note to support her art whenever I could. 

Lastly she talks about her mental illness, being bi-polar. I know a lot less about bi-polar disorder than I do hearing loss. Though I was in a production that never wrapped up about a bi-polar teen. Actually, I was the strict dad who couldn’t understand his child’s illness, which is a similar theme seen in Emmy’s post. I’ve actually been cast as a dad 3 or 4 times now? Yeah. *Laughs* Anyways, what I understand about it is that it can be seasonal. You might be manic for a season, and depressive for another. But yeah, it doesn’t always work that way. Usually medication can help balance you out, but in Emmy’s case, she wasn’t taking any meds at this point. I’ll say it here for clarity’s sake, but her having bi-polar disorder was a self-diagnosis, not a professional one. That’ll be covered in the next episode, though. 

So now the whole “Less than Human” thing makes a bit more sense, doesn’t it? Not because it’s true in any sense, but because it was true to her. Disability is something that people tend to see as different, or othering. There’s a lot of stigma there. We can sort of tell at this point that the way her Dad views her and treats her doesn’t help her feel any better about this either. 

That’s why she likes the depiction of mental illness in Monk so much, right? Because it’s a bit of a “More than Human” approach. It gives her some hope that maybe she can be seen positively one day too. As far as movies with Deaf characters goes there’s like 100, if I recall correctly. Which is honestly pitiful compared to the amount of movies, period. So it’s more than likely that she never got to see herself in media in that perspective before. 

Also, there’s the markings of a budding trans girl in there too, which may further intensify the feeling of not being human. For years and years *sigh*, there was practically zero positive representation of trans people in media. We’re taught that feeling like this makes us freaks, and that presenting differently than we’re supposed to makes us... something worse than that. It all comes together to form something bitter and isolating. Especially before you start owning those parts of you and finding a community of your own.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I really ranted more than I thought I would. Hopefully you all liked the anecdotal stuff I added in, didn’t really plan on doing that. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!