#and i hate myself for having wants because it makes me feel weak and its been too dangerous to let myself feel weak for so long

[ghastigiggles]

(p.2) unlearning takes time

[part 1] [...] [part 3 (not done yet)]

[daisybell-on-a-carousel]

Still very wild to me when people try to gotcha Jason with the whole "if you can kill other people for being evil why can't they kill you" when jason is like. One of the most passively suicidal characters I've ever seen. What if man

[mars-ipan]

ggghhghrrgh i hate when i get an injury in a joint

[goththembo]

Hard to make arguments for the parentals at this point like metronoming btwn staying a part of their lives and just disappearing to as physically far away from them as possible when i move out

[chibelial]

.

[shaisuki]

PRETTY WHEN YOU CRY

𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓

᭝ ᨳଓ ՟content warnings angst, blackmailing, name-calling, flashbacks

.᭝ ᨳଓ ՟ notes i'm sorry if you're not being tagged, tumblr have a limit for tagging in a post. thank you all again for the comments.

᭝ ᨳଓ ՟ taglist: @missakward123 @lupitalove @i00bear @socialanxietyvictim @tourmalxine @labelt-san @ghostlyworld @kashxyou @chiiiiiiiiiiifuuuuuuuu @cute-sucker @skii-high @boyimjustaloserforyourlove @jossayuuu @bubblesandsand1-0 @ply4vnce @witchymermaid12 @luna-v-roiya @mariyumemi @sinfullygay @higurumapet @kvk6433gkcigv @s-j320 @bts-skz @imcreepininyourheartbabe @hazzelle-kento @cashcadaver @n1vi @kiruupon @vebbiewuzhere @its-princessmara @ssetsuka @unicornqueen05 @idkwhattfimdoinghere2 @sunnytyun @tomriddles-wh0re @ya-mamaaaaa @wateriswhatiam @red-writes @saltyladyflower @greyclouq @bahurani @lovayle @okayiamkassandra @sealikesushi @sanzuandmike @spicana @luvsymai @uniquenicefangirl @ushijimaschubbs @lansy-4 @aesonsgirl @eggieshiteru @jellibean2018 @uchihabucketlist @sunaemoby @cupidscourt @divinedolliebun @rottmntrulesall @mmeharuno @sleighter @haesify @desperadaparasapagmamhal @ichikanu @daytej @0honeylemonade

they meet you now after three grueling years and one thing's not changed. is that you still look pretty when you cry.

the chair make a scraping sound as you dragged it to make space for you to get up. standing, you were about to walk out but you stopped. their words and yours ringing through your ears. i'll think about it. that's the most stupid response you ever caught yourself saying. who were you kidding? yourself, maybe. what difference would it make with their words. what kind of making up they can do for you to bury it to puke.

you were too forgiving. that's why they abused you. that's why every tear drop is a smile to them. your pain is nothing to them. that every welts you have in your body, the bruises and the blood spilling when they bite too hard are feeding to their sadistic fantasies and when you got away from that, they've come back to haunt and wanting to reconcile for the damage they put you.

geto puts you the worst of it and gojo is just the same. the same men sharing at your table waiting for your answer. their faces brightening up when you said you'll think about it. what's to think about it when the damages been done and you're too broken to fix what they have done.

slowly, you turn around to meet them still sitting. “there's nothing to think about it.” you began.

their faces morphing into a shock and one you could not describe. “easy for you both to say about reconcilation and forgiveness when you put me through hell.” your voice trembles and you're afraid it would betray you to speak up.

“while you partied hard that night, i was laying in my supposedly death bed. i wished i died that night but i didn't, lucky right?” smiling mockingly, voice dripping with sarcasm and you giggle to yourself like you didn't understand you anymore and your voice died down.

“why did you have to put me in such misery, suguru... satoru?” you asked them, tears slowly dripping from your eyes without you realizing like the days where after they've fucked you, you find yourself staring in nothingness.

“it's because i am fat and ugly and either of you giving me attention will make me feel good about myself being desired? tell me, satoru, suguru. you two were always good with words, explain it to me.” you said it barely a whisper, your voice strained with resentment.

“it's my fault too, you know. i should have let you two released that video. me being called a slut by my peers and a disgrace to my family would be a temporary shame and maybe i won't be living in this eternal suffering and i would be out of your hair and you can't control me no more.” closing your eyes, more tears poured. letting out shaky breaths and you hate yourself for being so weak and stupid. you should have done that. a sex video being circulated online and having a scandal would take days, months top to die down and that was the easiest course for them to leave you alone. it would have ended your misery and you wouldn't be involved with them no more.

the younger them would have laugh at your situation. take pleasure at you crying and would have mocked you for being such a crybaby but this one is different. they were scum and as if they didn't change in the course of the years to take you lightly.

the sight of you crying should have brought them joy but it doesn't. instead with a feeling gnawing in their gut. heart being wringed from how tight it was being squeezed. since when they have learned to grasp this new found sensation of being able to recognize what you were feeling. was it the day when they see again after three years of agonizing wondering where you are and seeing you alive and well and this revelation of being burdened by the unsaid feelings that took you courage to tell them about it.

speechless you are when they took your voice and taught you to turn a blind eye to whatever they did to you and you see them for what they really are or you already have seen them a long ago but you can never speak of it. arrogant and selfish. condescending and sadistic. a touch of being merciful when they wanted it.

standing up from where they sat, without hesitation they approached you. suguru in front while satoru was in your behind. their arms being wrapped around your body. trapping you between their bodies.

“don't you touch me! you both disgust me!” a sob racked throughout your body. angered from how they think they could touch your freely like this. squirming as your fist reach suguru's chest. trying to break free from their grasp and just like the old days when they used to encased you with their bodies, your flight is proven to be useless. “let me go!” a pained gasp escaping from you.

a shiver went down through your spine. goosebumps rising all over your body. suguru's lips are in your ears. “i know. i know.” he whispers. “forget about us asking you to forgive us. you don't have to but let us prove you that i-we have changed. let us, please (y/n). that's all is ask of you.” that was a first you thought. you never heard suguru to be pleading to you when it was the opposite of it and you were the one who is pleading for the times back in college.

satoru's face are buried in the crook of your neck. “that's also what i ask, (y/n). please.” gojo murmurs and you blinked in many times. trying to process who the hell they are to asked you of this. “leave me alone and let me go!” but it wasn't that easy as their hold tightens on you like a boa constricting its prey the more it moves. “i'm sorry, we'll let go once you accepted it.” satoru told you.

sobbing you let out a faint yes before scrambling to get out from their hold. “i need to go now.” you said but suguru grabs your arms and you dared to meet his gaze and there's the purples of his eyes. once that you learned to love. your tears are reduced to droplets and suguru gently wipes it with his thumb. cupping your round cheeks stained with dried tears. “i need to go now.” you repeated and geto gathers the files you have brought for the meeting of your supposed client. stuffing it in your suitcase and you left without giving them a second look.

the doors opened for you and you left. bad habits don't die. when you find yourself troubled you let your feet think where will they bring you with your mind absent for any rational thinking and it only got you of tranced when your phone have been ringing for the past minutes.

you were too distracted to read who's the one calling you and without hesitation you pressed the call button. there's the voice in the other end of the line belonging to nanami. your confidant who helped you get through the worst happenings of your life.

“nanami?” your voice came as hoarse and then a sniffle following through. hearing your sniffles from the other line nanami already knows what you were feeling. “are you crying?” he asks and then there's a sniffle and a sob. he didn't know to ask further. “where are you?” there's a brief silence.

looking at your surroundings it looks like you were in a secluded part of tokyo. the greeneries are present and it was quiet too. “i-i don't know, nanami. i'm kind of lost.” you confessed to nanami and nanami sighs. “stay where you are.” he tells you and you replied with okay.

after describing your surroundings he finds you in a nearby shrine. “(y/n)?” he doesn't need to call you to know it was you. from your corporate attire hugging your plump body and that posture, he knows it is you. turning around he was never prepared to see you looking like you were back in the day where you lay in bed crying.

your voice crumbles and all the strength in your body left you upon seeing him. “what happened?” dropping his suit case without a care in the world to approach you. “i-i meet them.” your voice trembling and he does know who they are. his once concerned expression in his face turned cold upon hearing who you were implying. “did they touch?” cause if they did. jail would be a good place to cool his head. “yes but they wanted to reconcile with me.” you were distraught and nanami thinks how strong you are for standing up for yourself with your former bullies even in this form.

he didn't say another word and came holding you in his arms. your head pressed in his chest where you felt the safest cradled in his arms. his scent comforting you and that's where you cried. nanami doesn't mind of course. for you he would bleed himself dry.

too bad that you can't be with him.

“ah, here they are. the two idiots.” the brunette doctor they have been friends for years greeted them with mock enthusiasm.

“hey there, shoko.” gojo greeted her and shoko lights her cigarette.

“do what i owe you two to drag me in my precious break.” exhaling the fumes of her cigarette while looking at the distance.

they asked her to meet them in one of the places where they usually frequents. a cafe that have a balcony that overlooks the busy streets of tokyo.

“she's back, shoko. alive and well.” shoko raises a brow at them. not believing them for a second but the looks from their faces told her another story. “how you know that. i hope you didn't forced her to meet you two.” the two remained silent and shoko rolls her eyes. “damn assholes you two, classic shit you two pulled again. didn't learn your lesson.” she commented.

“we have to, shoko. she won't meet us.” gojo complains to her. this fucker acts like you forced him. there's no saving these two and shoko wonders how long since she's been putting with these two's bullshit. “how did it go?” she asked, watching as the smoke dissipates in the air.

“she was crying.” suguru replied to her. “that's it? cause if i was her you two wouldn't be leaving that room alive after what you've done to her. hadn't you ruined her life enough?” this is shoko and shoko ieri doesn't beat around the bush.

suguru chuckles. watching his reflection in his cup of tea. “harsh, shoko. we just wanted to patch things up.”

shoko paused. “patch things up? you're more stupid than what i think of.”

he smiles and suguru thinks of you earlier. close he is to you and all he can think is that face of yours. crying and that tears streaming down your face. sick he is for thinking but it sure dig some buried feelings. the softness of your body in his fingertips and hearing your voice again it made him sick. that he just wants you to be his again.

“any advice, sho?” satoru asks her out of the blue.

“my advice is to leave her alone. she doesn't need another reminder of you two.”

“she's working in my company.”

“ha-ha. deep shit you are. life seems you to bring you three closer huh?”

and shoko squashed the cigarette in the ash tray. “i won't meddle in this shit you two are digging. friends we are but you are crossing a line. leave her alone.” shoko warns them before glancing at her watch. “you're keeping me here longer and my break's about to finish. see you two again.” shoko left them. her white lab coat disappearing as she turned a corner.

satoru missed you. even forcing you to accepting the terms earlier it did gave him hope to get closer to you again. feel you and touch you without the stuff they been doing to you when they're young and stupid. it won't be easy. he knows that and what's his money and influence if he can't get you. he was willing to sacrifice things. just say the word and he's going to give it.

they all have one thing running in their minds that day and the days to come. you. it was only you.

[taetr4ck]

LOVE IN SCRIBBLES — ten things han jisung writes in his love letters for you

han jisung x reader — fluff, teeny bit of angst

a/n: HIIIIII OMG WHAT (this is the first time me writing in ages) t____t nursing school sucked me dry (my brain included) please forgive me… also we finally reached 600 !! thank you so much my pookiebears 🙂‍↕️💗

bang chan / minho / changbin / hyunjin / jisung / felix / seungmin / jeongin

i. Has the world been treating you kindly these days, my love? I hope it has. Because if it hasn’t, I’m still here. You are my world anyway.

ii. I learned that nobody touches me if I look sharp. But you took the risk and told me you’re willing to do whatever it takes— even if it causes you to bleed. But my love, you never bled. Am I that easy to love?

iii. I always cry whenever I think about the time that we will get to the point where we will break up. Not that it will happen, but the thought of it just makes me sick to my stomach.

iv. I am not good with fragile things, but I swear I will love all that you unearth for me—your stinted roots, all the tenderness you’ve long buried.

v. And suddenly, all the songs I write are all about you.

vi. You know, I don’t fantasize or dream about having the perfect life. I just want to wake up happily, seeing the sunrise— and perhaps waking up somewhere safe, just like in your arms. I’m thinking about having a nice kitchen, bedroom, and a nice mini studio decorated by you or me (or us both) so you can still have all of me even though I’m working. I could be anywhere as long you’re by my side.

vii. I once believed love would be black and white, but it’s golden.

viii. It’s time to stop hating yourself for what others did to you, jagiya. It’s not your fault. It was never your fault.

ix. Ever since I started loving you, waking up doesn’t feel heavy anymore. Breathing isn’t as hard as it seemed. My anxiety turned into courage. My what-ifs turned into “I did it”. Working doesn’t drain me that much anymore. I am starting to live for 5 am sunrises and morning coffees. Heck, I don’t eat breakfast— but when you said to me that I should take care of myself more often, I enjoy waking up to sunlight, knowing there is someone who is looking forward to seeing and being with me. Perhaps love is something like a gentle embrace to my tired and weak soul— giving me an unexplainable refresh within. All I yearn for is to belong to something, to be contained with an all-embracing mind that sees me as a single thing and not a fragile glass that has been dropped multiple times, spreading its fragments on the ground. Yet you see me more than that, and I sometimes ever wonder if I even deserve that.

x. Whenever someone asks me what love is, I always say your name.

taglist : @agi-ppangx @ashracha @bluethemoments @wonootnoot @ruskzi @thamihh | taglist form

( jisung layout is from @/i-wolfbit ! )

⋆ taetr4ck, est may 2023.

[thomas-jefferson-miku-binder]

I hate Mel Medarda discourse because she’s an insanely well-written character with a lot of depth, but people almost always have only two things to say about her: 1) evil girlboss or 2) never did anything wrong. both make me want to krill myself 🦐

In front of you, there’s a female character born of war who rejects the physical brutality of her family’s name and the regime she was born under. except said violence never really goes away because if it ever does leave, nothing else would remain

This character can and will reproduce the hatred she has always known, just in more palpable ways, ways where she’s allowed to look away — or even better, ways where she’s so distanced from the action itself that where she “looks” doesn’t even matter

It’s also so interesting to think that maybe Mel doesn’t dislike physical violence because it’s “bad” but simply because she does not excel at it The thought that if Mel was maybe stronger or a more skilled fighter, she would be just like her mother tickles my brain. yaaaas Although, to me, that's a more "what-if" scenario than the actual characterization Arcane deceipts

By the way, I do not think Mel is a monster. She clearly does try to be what she considers a "good" person, but the violence she’s always known sometimes escapes (just like in the Viktor scene above — she does not like to be disagreed with).

Sooo insane that she’s a diplomat/politician because yes. what other job in the world would allow her to exercise that repressed violence while also giving her the sense of duty—of goodness.

Mel is stuck at the scene of the execution form her childhood. All she does is repeat the same scenario in her head with different outcomes: sometimes one where she saves the prisoner, another where she doesn’t hesitate (that being the keyword here) to kill her

This reverberation of the violence she suffered is just her manner of coping with that traumatic scene. a way of lessening the pain without actually confronting its cause.

I feel like I need to clarify that no, I do not think Mel is “evil”. I don’t even think she is intentionally manipulative (most of the time), I think she handles people the only way she knows how to, which is probably one of the only reasons she survived Noxus at all (as, to how I see it, there's only a certain extent your House will guarantee your protection in Noxus).

I know the fandom talks a lot about Viktor and Jayce being idealistic, but I rarely see people mention how Mel is just as romantic. Jesus- that’s literally a huge source of conflict with her mother: Ambessa thinks Mel is naive, which to her means weakness, which to her is unacceptable.

I hate that Mel Medarda is forced to be subjected to fandom spaces, because, no, she is not a small bean. no, she’s not an evil girlboss.

Do I believe she is a good person? I think she tries to be (even if her notion of goodness is so heavily aligned with honor, too), and that tells me a lot more about her character than how successful she is at it

[likablenightmare]

Making him submit

part 1 //Tate x Fem Reader

Summary: sucking his pretty cock turns you on making you need him. Usually you submit to him but this time it’s different..

Warnings: 18+ only, nsfw, smut, oral sex, sex in general… come on it’s Tate Langdon, duhhh.

————————————————————————-

You hated sucking dick and you were never really good at it but with him it was different..with Tate you needed his pretty cock to be in your mouth. As you start to softly lick all around his cock he starts to let out little moans and it turns you on so much you start to suck on it while twirling your soft little tongue all round.. he grasps onto the sheets squeezing them hard, you’re so turned on by his excitement that your throat opens up and sundenly his whole cock is down your throat.. you’re deep throating him.

You have never been so turned on by giving head before but now you’re dripping wet… you want to keep hearing his moans and whimpers. “Mmm.. ahh. Your soft mouth w..with those pretty eyes staring at me..I’m going to cuuum.” You start to feel his cock twitching in your mouth and you’re desperate for his yummy cum. “Ahh, mmm.. I’m cumming!” He yelled as you feel his warm yummy treat fill your mouth. You are so turned on you swallow his cum and let out a little moan… you’re soaking wet.

You want more… you look at him and give him a sexy sweet smile. You wrap your lips back around his beautiful cock, he starts twitching because it’s sensitive from just orgasming. His eyes widen and he grabs onto the sheets again.. sweating with intense pleasure, he is breathing so heavy and making the cutest groans you have ever heard. “Ahh, yea. This feels way too good!” He says. Your tongue swirling and swirling as your sucking him and your pussy is throbbing for him.

Finally you get up and take off your panties and get into doggy position. He quickly rushes to fill you with his cock. As he desperately puts it in, you both let out a lil moan. He grabs onto your waste and is thrusting in and out of you like a maniac… so fast and hard that you can’t help but scream with pleasure.

As he pounds you, the sounds of him hitting against your ass made it that much hotter. “I love hearing myself clap against your perfect ass,” he said. Lucky for you, you already made him cum so he will last long while he fucks you.

You’re starting to shake because feeling him in you makes you weak with pleasure. You turn your head looking behind you to see his face and watch him pump in and out of you… his eyes are glossy as if he is about to cry from how good it feels, his cheeks are turning pink, and there is sweat dripping from his forehead. He bites his bottom lip to hold in a moan as you look into his pretty brown eyes. He flips you onto your back and gets on top of you while making intense eye contact.

Tate leans his head down to yours and starts making out with you as you moan into each others mouths. You both twirl your tongues together and it feels like absolute heaven… he spits into your mouth and licks your tongue so you can both share his spit. As you start to cum, your pussy is throbbing on his cock. He whispers into your ear, “yesss, cum for me.”

You reward him for making you cum by telling him he is a good boy. You get on top of him and ride his cock..hard. As your riding him like he is your bitch, using all your strength and weight, you can feel it allll the way inside of you. Usually you completely submit to him but this time its different.

You put your hands around his neck choking him making him whimper like a submissive dog.. he is completely surrendered to you. He can’t stop moaning as you start to nibble and suck on his neck. He whines “,Uuugh , yess… mmm don’t stop.” Of course you weren’t going to stop. It felt too good seeing him be surrendered to you.

You tell him to sit up and he does exactly what you ask. Instantly, sitting up with those submissive eyes. You’re on top of him, hugging your arms around him, you start to give him scratches all over his sexy back. You’re nibbling on his neck softly and then you start sucking his neck hard as you are bouncing on top of him, leaving hickeys all over his neck.

He won’t try to hide the hickeys you give him later on because he is so proud to be yours. Something about him sitting up while you are sitting on top of him facing each other with your arms wrapped around each other is so incredibly intimate..

[ganondoodle]

actively fighting a full blown panic attack born out of sadness and anger after having to drive by yet another victim on the side of the road

it makes me livid how accepted it is to just let cats suffer and die disgustingly horrid deaths and live awful short lives just so what, for what?? so you dont have to play with them for an hour a day??? when i was little it was just kinda normal that they disappeared at some point, i didnt understand what it actually meant until our outdoor cat i loved dearly was found in the bushes near our house in a condition so horrible my dad has never told me and i have never dared to ask, she only made it to 6 and had horrible scars and infections before that i allowed my family to convince me to let my first own cat outside, we only had her for a year, she died at only 2 years old, i am still suffering from the guilt, it has never let me go, she went missing for a week and i walked the entire vilage up and down every day, yelling her name, wandering into the forest alone, talking to every stranger i met until one morning my mom told me that our neighbour who works for the city asked if we had a white cat with a very specific collar she had- he found her on a busy road crossing in the next bigger city, i never even got to bury her, its haunting me, the thought of her wandering lost and scared in the city for a week until meeting an awful end gives me headaches, the fact that i was the last one to see her alive, that i put her outside bc we were late for school and had to leave quickly, that she had come home with oil in her fur from crawling through maschines and cars before, that i was worried but still didnt act, that it is my fault, any time i am up to late its coming back, it will never let me go, if i had stood my ground and not allow her outside unless on a leash or similar shed still be alive today, any time i read a description at our local shelter it comes back, they still advocate for outside cats, all of them, even if they have only been an indoor one before, its madness my older sister had a cat, i dont even know how old he got but it wasnt long either, he got hit by a car in front of their house, she has two now again and the only reason she hasnt let them outside is because they havent shown much interest in it, i tried to warn her before and she didnt listen and shes still resistent, even after losing one too

i have seen so many on the side of the road, anywhere i drive i see them, i cannot forget a single one, we are surrounded by farm land and all its giant maschinery, its still common to poison rodents, why do people value them so little, you wouldnt let your dog just live outside in the woods and streets for half the day or more, you wouldnt just throw your guniea pigs on the road and tell them have fun, you wouldnt just let your bird roam outside, there probably assholes that do that too but you cannot tell me its as common as outside cats

i dont understand it, i dont, i wont, i never will, i will never forgive myself this poor little animal that was my responsibility having to pay the price of my ignorance, or my own weakness letting my family convince me despite the awful way we lost one before, it makes me want to explode it hurts my brain in grief and anger i can barely contain

cats deserve to live a safe and long life, i get only having them inside may feel like you are locking them up, but do you think that not doing so is worth having them die a painful death? being poisonend? on purpose even by disgusting people that hate them? abused and chased by other animals and dogs? hurt and lost? cutting their lifespan in half? if they even make it that far? the amount of wildlife that they kill unnecessarily so when all of that is already in a steep decline everywhere? and if they eat what they hunt get infected with diseases or again, poison? die somewhere in agony? if cared for they dont care about going outside, plenty can be leash trained or given a secure way to roam like those cat proof aviary like things, if you dont want to put effort into caring for a cat DONT GET ONE, ALL pets require adequate care, and if you think cats are the easiest bc you only have to feed them every now and then IF they come home? you suck, you are an asshole, i hate you and you do not care about them, if you just want to occasionalyl feed and pet an animal go to the petting zoo

(this is about pet cats of people who can absolutely afford to keep them healthily inside, i know feral cats and those in poor neighbourhoods are a thing, even if not here where i live, and thats a whole other but still similar problem and not the point of this post)

[gloomwitchwrites]

Captain John Price x Female Reader Dark Romance

Chapter Specific Warnings: canon-typical swearing, suggestive themes, bratty behavior, dirty talk, instruction to give oral (male receiving), implied voyeurism, dubious consent

Word Count: 5.5k

A/N: Part Four of Dangerous Pursuit (for @glitterypirateduck)

Nikola speaks. You and Price argue. You're returned to your old life.

Chapter Three // Chapter Five

ao3 // taglist // main masterlist // dangerous pursuit masterlist

“I want to hear what Nikola has to say. You owe me that.”

“No. You’re staying in here.”

You throw your arm out to the side, pointed in the direction of the shut door. “We did all that. And you’re telling me I’m not allowed to see the results?” You drop your arm to your side. “Are you listening to yourself?”

“I hear perfectly well.” You scoff and Price grimaces, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t need to explain myself.” He points toward the concrete floor. “You’re staying here. In this room.”

You say each word slowly, letting them drip like venom from your fangs. “You’re a fucking asshole.”

“Listen to m—”

“Fuck you!” You try to walk past Price to the door, but he steps into your path, blocking your attempt to leave. Struggling to push by him only results in Price’s hands on your shoulders, halting you from reaching the door.

“Get your fucking hands off me,” you snap.

“I remember you liking my hands on you,” replies Price, one eyebrow arching.

Really? This is the time he thinks it’s appropriate to be flirty?

“I hate you.”

Price shakes his head. “No, love. You don’t.” You step backward and Price releases you, holding up his hands before dropping them at his sides.

“I want you to leave.” Price remains where he is. “Get out,” you reiterate.

“There is no reason for you to act like this.”

Now you’re truly angry. Raging. Fuck him. Fuck this place. Fuck all of it.

“You have no right to say that to me,” you say, one hand slicing through the air like an axe.

Price takes a step forward and you take a step back, not wanting to be in his space. “This behavior is childish.”

“Childish?” you laugh. “I have every reason to be this upset. You said all sorts of logical things to convince me to make that audio. To help you out. We—” your voice cuts out and Price’s shoulders stiffen. “We had sex,” you continue. “And then you tell me I don’t get to hear what Nikola has to say?”

Red hot rage simmers under your flesh. If the room wasn’t so bare you’d fucking throw something at him.

“Do you know how that makes me feel, Captain?” When he says nothing, you keep talking. “Do you? Because if you don’t, I’ll fucking tell you.” You lick your lips. “Dirty. I feel like a roach you’ve squashed under your boot. I feel used.”

Price glances at the floor but his features reveal nothing. You’re not sure what you want from Price right now. An apology? Shame? His own matched anger? And what do you want from yourself? How will this help you get anywhere? Things have already transpired. Neither of you can take them back. But fuck—releasing your frustration feels goddamn good.

He is silent a long moment, and it kills you inside, twisting like a knife to the gut.

“Nikola says he’ll talk. If anything he says involves you, we can discuss it,” says Price calmly, finally breaking the quiet.

All the raging fury evaporates. Disappears into the air like water vapor. In its place is cold frustration, and an acceptance that you despise.

“But you won’t allow me to hear it for myself?” Your voice nearly breaks and Price must catch it because he winces. “Why? Just—tell me that. At least. Please.”

Price’s gaze flicks up. It is piercing. Sharp. Slices right through your heart. “Because there are names and information that aren’t for you to hear. And you knowing them puts you in danger. I won’t have that.”

You shake your head, blinking away tears. “You don’t care about me.”

Price takes one step forward, crossing the distance between the two of you in a flash. It startles your resolve, stirs up your weakness for him all over again. “You have no idea how I feel,” he whispers. Those words are a secret, as if you shouldn’t be said at all.

Price is standing so close to you that you’re forced to look upward in order to see his face. In your peripheral, you notice his hand. It clenches into a fist, then releases, and inches toward your face before his fingers brush against your cheek.

It is a soft touch, one that you press against, seeking more. Price obliges, but not in the way you expect. His hand slides to the back of your neck and grabs hold. The switch pulls your breath from your lungs, dissolving all need for oxygen.

Using his hold on the back of your neck, Price draws your faces together until your noses are close to touching. “I should have taken you on the table,” he murmurs. “I regret that.”

As quickly as the words leaves his mouth, Price is turning away, releasing you from his grip, and heading for the door. Your lips part and your body leans forward, missing his absent touch. When the door shuts and the lock falls into place, you’re not even mad. Instead, you go to the edge of the bed, and sit. A heaviness growing in your chest.

That is where Price leaves you. There is no clock or anything to tell the time while you’re stuck in that room. You’re left with his words hanging in the air. You’re left with a twisted stomach, and a violently awful sensation of something unfulfilled.

At some point you drift off, and it isn’t until someone is waking you that you realize you’ve fallen asleep. You sit up and almost smack heads with Skull Face. Ghost is the name you’ve heard, but you also remember Price calling him Simon. But you are not on familiar terms with this man, and ultimately decide to not address him by his first name.

Ghost immediately draws back, towering over you next to the bed. He looks like a creature out of hell the way he’s standing there. It’s fucking creepy.

“Price wants you,” he says in his gruff voice.

So, he’s not going to come get you himself? Fine. It’s not like you care. It’s not like any of this means anything in the end.

Ghost takes a step back as you swing your legs over the side of the bed. You follow him out the open door and back to the aboveground area. Price is standing near one of the cars. He’s in civilian clothes and completely out of place.

“That’s all, Simon,” says Price as you and Ghost come to a stop next to him. Ghost nods at Price, not even addressing you as he departs. Price taps the side of the beat-up pickup truck. “Ready to go?”

“Go where?” you ask slowly.

“Home.”

Hope blooms and then swiftly departs. A small part of you wants to fight, to tell Price to go fuck himself, but this means you’re leaving this place. The sooner you return to your old life, the sooner this will all fade into memory. A terrible and unfortunate memory.

But is there a catch? All this and now Price is letting you go? Something isn’t right. There has to be more, and yet this may simply be anxiety rearing its ugly head. That happens all the time. You’ve been stomped on and walked over your entire life. All you’ve known are ulterior motives. Why would Price be any different?

“Yeah,” you nod, understanding that this is your only choice. “I’m ready.”

There is no talking as Price opens the passenger door and gestures for you to climb inside. When you step up to it and hoist yourself in, Price places his hand just above the curve of your ass. His touch isn’t exactly helpful but it does send heat straight between your legs, and you hate that it does. Price isn’t your enemy but he’s not your friend either. It also doesn’t help that you keep thinking about his mouth, and what he did with it.

Once you’re seated, he walks around the front of the truck and hops into the driver seat. Inserting the key, Price brings the car to life. You keep your gaze locked on the dirty windshield. Your hands are in your lap and they won’t stop shaking. Shoving them between your knees, you pretend that you’re trying to stay warm as Price maneuvers the vehicle out the barn doors and onto a dirt road. Glancing back over your shoulder, you watch as Gaz closes up the safehouse.

It is an end, and a beginning. This part is shut. Gone. No going back.

But you and Price are driving toward something. You have no idea what it might be, but this isn’t over. It’s not done.

The sun dips below the horizon. The truck’s headlights are shit, but they do enough, illuminating the uneven road. You’re jostled around, teeth clacking against each other every time the truck dips until Price turns out onto paved road.

You have no idea where the two of you are, and you’re not sure you want to ask. Right now, you’re still sour from your earlier conversation with Price. He left you hanging and alone, those goddamn words repeating over and over again in your mind.

I should have taken you on the table. I regret that.

If anyone is going to talk right now, it’ll be Price. You’ll keep silent the entire fucking ride even if it’s unbearable. You won’t give in first. You won’t.

Price’s grip on the steering wheel is knuckle-white. He’s only using one hand. The other is on his thigh and those fingers won’t stop twitching. You pretend not to notice. You pretend that you don’t see Price’s itch or that your own sizzles beneath your skin. It would be so easy to reach over and touch him.

So. Fucking. Easy.

Price’s hand tightens on the steering wheel. “Nikola talked about you.”

“And?” you ask, briefly glancing at Price before looking back at the road.

“Let’s just say Dimitri isn’t the leader he thinks he is.”

You frown. “What does that mean?”

Price’s gaze flicks toward you. “Nikola isn’t happy with his boss. And you’re Dimitri’s favorite.”

You sigh heavily. “Very helpful, Captain.”

Out of the corner of your eye, Price shakes his head. “Nikola wanted to get back at Dimitri by taking you away.”

“Dimitri doesn’t give a shit about me,” you reply, knowing that isn’t true at all. Dimitri only wants you. He asks for you all the time. Calls you “Sparrow” instead of your name as if you’re his to do with as he likes.

“That’s a lie,” says Price. “You know that’s a lie.”

Price is calling you out on your bullshit, but you’re not going to contradict him, and you’re certainly not going to press the topic.

“What was the exchange?” you ask, maneuvering the conversation in a different direction. “What did Nikola give you that was so important?” You’re glancing out the passenger window but Price’s reflection is in the glass.

“Nikola gave us information. And I promised him to remove Dimitri from your life.”

You pivot so fast in your seat your head spins. “What?”

“Dimitri won’t bother you anymore,” states Price, but there is a growl to his voice, as if Dimitri’s presence in your life bothers him. Which it fucking shouldn’t, because you and Price aren’t anything to each other.

“I won’t see him again? Ever?” you ask. When you walk into work on Saturday night and Dimitri isn’t there, does that mean he’s gone for good? That Price and his team did what they set out to do?

“You sound upset,” replies Price, but the humor in it is clearly forced.

“Bite me,” you mutter, returning your gaze to the windshield.

The corner of his mouth turns up into a smile and he adjusts his grip on the steering wheel. You might have your gaze fixed on the windshield, but you’re not immune to your mind slithering through all the possible things Price might be thinking. It causes your cheeks to heat, and for the space between your thighs to warm.

You shift in the seat, fingers digging into the fabric of your pants. You need to get a fucking grip on yourself. This is ridiculous. Embarrassing. There is no reason for you to be acting this way. It doesn’t matter that you understand how his mouth feels or how his fingers feel inside you.

You’re not going to break. You won’t fall apart for him. Not again.

“Dimitri will disappear but I’ll need your cooperation.”

Your reply is immediate. “Absolutely not.”

“I’m not asking.”

You shake your head in disbelief. You want to go home. You want to forget about all of this. To forget about him. About Price. “And I’m not helping you.”

Price shrugs, and it’s so casual you could scream. This man is infuriating, and the way he seems so sure has you on edge. If the truck wasn’t on the highway, you’d open the door and throw yourself out of it just to get away from him.

The rest of the drive is completely silent, and when he pulls up to your apartment building without even asking for directions, you know running from him is fruitless. That is even more apparent when Price parks the truck and gets out of the vehicle to accompany you to the door.

“I can walk myself,” you mutter, but Price is already grabbing onto your elbow, bringing you along with him as he escorts you to your apartment.

Once there, and you unlock the door, Price barges in before you can take a step inside. “Stay here,” he says before disappearing into the dark interior.

“Stay here,” you mimic, completely ignoring his order and following him inside. He checks every room including the closets and underneath the bed.

“Looking for monsters?” you sigh, leaning against the doorframe.

Price pops up from the far side of your bed. There is a deep frown on his face, and you’d almost call it cute but catch yourself at the last second. Using the edge of the bed as leverage, Price returns to his full height. He walks around the side of the bed, and nearly swaggers up to you. There is a soft sway to his hips that immediately makes you alert and aware of every inch of him.

“You’ve been mouthy today,” he murmurs, moving into your space. There isn’t anywhere for you to run off to. You’re trapped between him and the doorframe. “If you keep this up, I will toss you onto that bed and fuck the attitude right out of you.”

What. The. Fuck.

You swallow, all that haughtiness slipping away like ice in the sun. But you hold on to just enough for a reply. “Is that a promise, Captain?”

Price’s knee slots between your legs, opening you up. “It’s a goddamn guarantee, love.”

Your heart thunders in your chest, quickly moving toward your ears. His head dips, lips dangerously close to brushing over yours.

This can’t keep going. The two of you can’t keep doing this. Whatever this is, it needs to end, even if you do want him to follow through.

Placing both hands on his chest, you push. Price only draws back enough to give you the slightest bit of space. His knee is still between your legs and he has one hand planted firmly above your head on the doorframe.

“You shouldn’t say things you don’t mean,” you murmur. “Someone might think you’re a liar.”

Price’s other hand falls on your hip, and crawls upward to your waist. “Does this someone want to find out?”

Yes.

But you don’t say it. You don’t give in to him. “You should leave.”

Price’s hand on your waist squeezes. “Is that what you want?”

You know what Price is asking. He’s asking for permission. He’s asking for your consent. This man wants to fuck you. That is apparent by the bulge in his pants. But allowing him to push you onto your hands and knees won’t solve anything. It’ll only satiate the need to feel him moving inside you.

Autonomy is slipping through your fingers fast—too fast. If Price doesn’t move away from you, you will gladly arch your back and present yourself to him.

With a hint of a shake in your voice, you answer him. “Please leave. Please.”

Price’s features melt a bit. Soften. The concern is there as well as acceptance. He wanted you to say yes. He wanted you alone, to open up for him in private instead of at that safehouse. The thought of Price desiring you for himself without any interruptions stirs a warmth in your belly. It goes all the way down to your toes.

Slowly, Price releases his hold on your waist, and he pushes off from the doorframe. Finally, you have room to breathe, to not feel caged even if his closeness is a balm to sore muscles. You draw your arms across yourself like a shield, knowing that this is it. This is your departure.

Price visibly swallows. “Saturday, we’re going after Dimitri. Your help is appreciated but not required.”

You laugh softly. “Now I have a choice?”

“You always have a choice.”

Price doesn’t just mean helping him take out Dimitri.

“If I were to help you,” you begin. “What do I need to do?”

Price reaches into his pocket and digs around for a few seconds before retrieving something small and black. “Tag him. With this.” He holds it out to you.

You present your hand, palm upward, and Price makes the exchange. The tag is incredibly small, no larger than the nail on your pinky.

“How am I supposed to tag him with this?” you ask, skeptical.

“Get close,” answers Price. “Slip it into a pocket. Attach it to him in a place that isn’t visible. Wallet. Cell phone. A weapon. Anything.”

You stare at the little device and frown. “Why can’t you just follow him or track his car?”

“Nikola told us Dimitri drives a different car every week. Rentals mostly. We have no idea what he’ll pull in with until he arrives.”

You clench the tracker in your fist. Price is asking for too much. This is far too risky for you to do on your own. If they’re successful in picking up Dimitri, there is a chance that his capture won’t blow back on you. But if they fuck up, or Dimitri finds the tracker before Price and his team snag him, you’re done.

And you don’t want that kind of heat.

“I’m sorry,” you say, shaking your head, presenting the tracker to Price. “I can’t. It’s too risky.”

Price only nods, taking it from your open palm. “I understand.” He deposits the device back into his pocket.

The two of you stare at one another, hanging in stretching silence. This is it. You won’t see Price again until Saturday, and you cannot guarantee that you’ll actually see him at all. The bed is right there. You could grab him by the belt, pull him in, push him down onto the bed, and straddle him.

Would he let you take control, or would he flip you onto your back and seize all your autonomy for himself?

“It’s late. I’ll go.” Price’s voice is a blade. It is the finale. The farewell. Silver and sharp and so blatant there isn’t any other way to understand it for what it is.

You can only nod, all the bite from you gone.

The walk to the door is sludge. You don’t even recognize your feet moving with Price. You don’t recognize the broad expanse of his back or the opening of the front door until it shuts in your face, leaving you with the quiet hum of the nearby refrigerator.

Life resumes. It beats on as if nothing happened at all.

No one from work checks on you, and you don’t hear a single fucking word about Chase. Everyone around you continues on. And here you are, knowing that you were kidnapped, involved in a car crash, pulled from wreckage, and then brought to a safehouse where you and Captain Price nearly fucked each other’s brains out on a table.

You believe, perhaps naively, that Price might be a guest at Thirst or even a member of security. While the owner’s hire private security, you don’t put it past Price to figure out a way in. You also consider that you might not see him at all. That you can go about your night without noticing his presence.

How wrong you are.

Saturday night, and Dimitri is here. You do everything you’re supposed to do before heading to his VIP room. The process is the same, and you’re nervous, unsure of what to expect.

But you don’t expect Price.

You didn’t anticipate that he would be in the VIP room with Dimitri.

When you step up onto the raised platform, you nearly drop the tray you’re holding. It’s not only because Price is here and impeccably dressed. There is no tactical gear. No cargo pants or boots. Price wears all black. His shoes are neatly laced and polished. His slacks are perfectly pressed and free of wrinkles. That doesn’t include his button up shirt. With the sleeves rolled up to the elbows to show off his massive forearms, Price looks very much the part.

He oozes sexiness. Your gaze scans his entire body, entirely focused on how the top two buttons of his shirt are undone, revealing a bit of dark chest hair.

But it’s not only his appearance that has you on alert. While Price is a delicious sight, one of the dancers Dimitri always orders gyrates in Price’s lap. The pounding music that comes through the speakers is a distance thing, and the blood red lighting Dimitri always prefers seems completely insignificant.

Megan is the one in Price’s lap. They’re not having sex, she’s just performing a lap dance, but your heart doesn’t seem to care. It also doesn’t seem to care that Price appears absolutely uninterested. His arms are draped across the back of the sofa and his gaze is fixed on a point beyond her even though it appears that he’s watching her.

You see all of this, your brain processes it, but your heart won’t stop thundering in your chest. This is stupid. Ridiculous. Price is not yours. There is no relationship. Yes, the two of you had sex—well, not explicit sex, but Price did rub his dick against you until his cum coated your inner thigh.

That isn’t much, and you shouldn’t feel this goddamn territorial about him. But you do, and you hate that it’s starting to eat away at your pride.

You swallow down the building hurt, moving closer to the small group. Nikola is absent but Lev and Abram are both here. Addie lounges in Lev’s lap, her glittery heels sparkling even in the blood-tinged lighting. Olivia is in her usual place on the secondary platform where she dances against a pole.

Always the same people. Dimitri never waivers.

You present the vodka and begin distributing the first round of drinks. The last task involves Dimitri’s cigarettes. You kneel next to the table, measuring out the tobacco to begin rolling them.

“Sparrow,” croons Dimitri. “I’ve missed you.”

You straighten your shoulders and glance up at the speaking demon. “Always a pleasure to see you, Dimitri.”

Dimitri’s grin is feral, nearly vicious. “We have a guest.” Dimitri gestures toward price. “I brought a special…friend. Say hello, Sparrow.”

You shift your gaze toward Price, lifting one of the cigarette wrappers to your mouth. Your tongue slides along the appropriate portion. Price’s gaze is locked in, completely focused on you.

“Good evening, friend of Dimitri.” You’re teasing without even trying, and Price notices because he licks his lips to hold back a grin. You glance back at Dimitri and smile softly, rolling the cigarette with perfect precision. “I didn’t know you’d bring a guest. I would have checked in first.”

Dimitri dismisses your comment with a wave of his hand. “Last minute arrangement.”

You nod and use the table to push to your feet. Picking up a pack of matches, you saunter over to Dimitri, giving him your best smile. Your face aches from it but you’re not going to show weakness. No one needs to know how nervous you are.

You place the cigarette between Dimitri’s lips and then strike a match. Doing so requires you to lean in a bit, to stand close to Dimitri. And that asshole uses it to his advantage. Dimitri’s hand grabs the back of your bare thigh as you bring the lit match up to the end of the cigarette. He doesn’t dig his fingers in, just rests his hand against the skin.

You can imagine Price doing this, touching you with this bit of possession. But Dimitri’s hand against your flesh is agony. It is a blow. A knuckled fist breaking jaw bone.

The end of the cigarette glows as Dimitri inhales. You shake out the match. When you try to step away, Dimitri holds firm to your thigh, squeezing like you gave him fucking permission.

The man might be a dick, but he has never outright touched you in this manner. This is new, and you suddenly remember what you and Price talked about in the truck. How Nikola sought to take you away from Dimitri because you’re his favorite.

Dimitri exhales and you hear the pleased sigh. “You always do a fabulous job, Sparrow.” Dimitri squeezes your thigh one more time and then lightly pats it before dropping his hand.

“I aim to please,” you reply, immediately putting enough space between the two of you so that he can’t reach out to touch you again.

You turn toward Price and freeze.

Price’s stare is stony but his clenched fists are murderous. It’s very clear that Price wants to punch Dimitri in the face. A sweet bolt of satisfaction shoots through you, but Megan still moves in Price’s lap which severely diminishes anything you’re feeling toward the man.

“What can I bring you?” you ask, not even offering the menu.

“Whiskey,” replies Price.

“Any preference?”

“Bring us the most expensive bottle,” interjects Dimitri. “My friend here is about to make me a very rich man, and I would like to repay him in kind.”

“Of course,” you nod, making this your exit.

You’re nearly shaking by the time you go into storage and grab the most expensive whiskey off the shelf. It runs close to twenty grand a bottle. When you present it to Dimitri back in the room, he hardly glances at it.

Megan is no longer in Price’s lap. She’s moved on to Abram.

As you prepare the whiskey glass and pour the first draw, Dimitri’s voice catches your attention. “You’re shaking, Sparrow. What has my sweet girl so nervous?”

You want to snap at Dimitri, tell him how much you hate that name, but you put on your best customer service smile instead.

“Not enough sleep,” you laugh casually.

Dimitri only smiles, and it’s not kind. It’s muck. Grime. Coal dust in the lungs. He glances toward Price and his grin widens. “This place provides whatever you want. How about one of the women? My treat.”

“They’re all very beautiful, Dimitri,” replies Price. “But I don’t like to pay to have my dick sucked.”

Dimitri laughs and drapes an arm over the back of the sofa. He takes a long drag on his cigarette. “That can be arranged.”

You cork the whiskey bottle and set it down on the table.

“Sparrow.” Dimitri’s sharpness pulls your attention to him immediately. He nods toward Price.

Is he? No. No.

“Yes, Dimitri?” you reply because it’s all you can say.

“My friend here needs his dick sucked.” Dimitri just stares at you, one eyebrow arched. He appears passive but then you notice the gun on the table in front of him.

How do you play this? How do you navigate this situation?

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

At that moment, Megan reaches over and plays with the front of Price’s shirt. “She can’t suck you off. But I can.”

You know Megan is only saying that to help you. She has no idea about you and Price. All she knows is that you are not being paid to do what she, Olivia, and Addie are already being paid for. And Dimitri never asks this of you. Never. He might be a fucking asshole, but he has only ever had you serve him drinks and fetch whatever he asks for.

It also makes no sense that Dimitri would tell you to do this when you’re supposed to be his favorite. That’s what Nikola told Price and his team. That’s why Nikola snatched you in the first place. Did Nikola lie? Or is Dimitri that fucking good at playing everyone?

Dimitri doesn’t even acknowledge Megan. His head tilts to the side, gaze still locked on you. “I don’t pay you to suck dick,” he says flatly.

No, Dimitri does not pay you for that, but he still pays you.

Your smile waivers slightly. It’s not the idea of getting down on your knees for Price. It’s doing that in front of everyone here.

When you don’t move immediately, Dimitri’s face becomes cold, all his features hardening. It is hellish, almost demonic in the way he shifts into this headspace. Your limbs become jelly, and you want to melt into the floor.

Dimitri nods in Price’s direction. “Go.”

You don’t move.

Price speaks up. “I also like my women willing.” He’s not saying that for Dimitri’s benefit. Price is speaking to you, drawing a line, giving you a choice where Dimitri isn’t.

Maybe Dimitri thinks you won’t deny him. That in this, you will not budge. But your eyes dart to the gun on the table, and its silent threat is enough to make you inhale and focus.

Dimitri’s hand not holding the cigarette forms a fist. “You disappoint me, Sparrow. And you know how much I hate being disappointed.”

The image of Nikola taking the bat to the man’s face flares in your head. That will not be you, and you don’t want it to be Price either.

Though your smile waivers, you manage to address Dimitri. “You’ve just surprised me is all.” You smooth out the front of your new cocktail dress, a replacement for the shredded one ruined in the crash. You glance at Price, and while you can’t read exactly what he’s thinking, you do notice the tightness in his brow, and his intensity.

His gaze is on you, shifting to Dimitri in silent observation. You don’t want this to escalate, and it’s not like Dimitri is asking you to suck his dick. You’d refuse him then. Easily. But Price?

At the safehouse you were ready to do just that. Even in your apartment you nearly caved and allowed Price entrance. The separation has only grown a longing in you. One that has become difficult to ignore. Almost every night, your hand has been between your legs as you thought of him.

Salvaging your pride isn’t all that important at the moment. Dimitri is a man you never want to cross. Denying him this might earn you anything. Sure, Dimitri might not shoot you, but he could do so many other awful things.

Dimitri nods again and gestures with an outstretched hand toward Price.

You need to restructure this in your head, present it as something other than what it is. Dimitri believes Price is going to make him a wealthy man. Price pushed away Dimitri’s original offer, and unintentionally offered up an alternative. You have no clue as to how Price and Dimitri are in the same room together, and what this deal might be. It’s likely fake. A ploy to draw Dimitri out.

When you move, your legs are heavy like lead. You walk through mud to arrive in front of Price’s slightly spread legs. Outwardly, he appears cool and calm, but notice the small tells. The twitching muscle in his jaw, the crease in the center of his brow, and the way his chest expands a little too rapidly for someone at rest.

Does anyone else notice? Or are you just that in tune with him?

Slowly, you step forward, and Price flexes his hips, lifting it slightly off the couch as he spreads his legs wider. As you start to sink, your hands go out to rest against the tops of his knees for support.

Your knees do not hit the floor.

Price’s arm snaps forward, his hand grasping the back of your neck. Inhaling, you tense at the grip. He draws you up his body, and buries his face against the side of your head. In this position, it might appear as he’s inhaling your scent or even kissing your cheek.

But Price is doing neither of those things.

“Follow my lead,” he murmurs in your ear.

taglist:

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[lurkingshan]

(Different anon) I agree with and understand your points re: ~why you watch GMMTV if don't like??~ and why the question is/feels hostile.

But taking the question itself in good faith as "why do you (should I) keep watching shows I think/know I will not like based on how others have been handled?" in the genuine spirit of "explain like I'm 5 because I don't understand the lingo and background but want to understand the concept, how would you explain it to people not as into/knowledgeable/etc BL and the history of GMMTV?

Hi anon! This is an interesting question, because it depends so much on you as an individual and what makes you happy.

I think there is often a misconception that people who post critical meta are having a miserable time and torturing themselves with media they hate, but it's just not true. For folks like me who enjoy thinking critically, this is how we have fun. When I love something, I want to rip open its guts and see how it's all assembled. It's what stimulates my brain and gets me excited. And when I don't love something wholeheartedly, I am interested in figuring out why. I've often had the experience of watching something that I know should be working on me, and if it isn't, that creates an intellectual puzzle that I find very satisfying to solve. Why isn't it working, and what can that help me learn about storytelling? This is also fun for me.

Another misconception I often see in fandom is that if you like something, you can't have negative thoughts about it and you have to pretend it's perfect to be a good fan. Nonsense! Being a hater is fun, especially about things you truly love. I'll give you a really concrete example: Bad Buddy is one of my all time favorite shows. It first aired three years ago and I still think about it nearly every day. It's a show that stimulates my brain but also hits me straight in the heart. But I do not think it's perfect and I get a lot of joy from thinking about the parts that did not work (Wai's redemption, that stupid fake out in the finale, all of episode 9) and making fun of it (have you heard that PAT GOT SHOT??). This, too, is a form of love and source of joy.

So with those misconceptions addressed, why do I keep watching shows I suspect I won't like? First, because you truly never know until you try, and I like to be pleasantly surprised. Two of my favorite shows of this year, Cherry Magic Thailand and Knock Knock Boys, shocked the hell out of me. I went into CMT deeply skeptical only to be charmed against my will and so impressed by how they adapted it, and I went into KKB expecting it to be like 95% of weak Thai pulps only to realize its writing and themes were stronger than they had any right to be. If I stayed away from all media I thought I might not like, I would have never had the amazing experience of watching and discussing those two shows live with friends who also loved them.

Second, like I said above, I still have fun examining shows that are not quite working for me, and sometimes I am compelled by the ambition of shows even if I don't think the execution is serving. A great example of that is The Sign. I wanted to support that show because of who was making it, and it had so much early promise that when it fell apart halfway through, I stuck it out to try to make sense of what went wrong. In cases like that, I like to figure out what a show thinks it's doing, what it's actually doing, and where the disconnect is. It's a fun puzzle for me to sort through such an ambitious mess of a show. This is why, btw, I am never really moved by fanwanks to fill in gaps in story and characterization. I understand why others enjoy fixing shows in their brains and then pretending that's what they actually saw, but it's not what motivates me. My goal with shows like this is not to get myself to like it no matter what, it's to figure out why I don't like it and what could be changed to address that.

Third, I care about ql as a genre, and I like to be aware of how it's evolving and be part of the collective experience of watching it. QL fandom is tiny and I like to know what my friends are talking about! I can't watch everything because there is simply way too much content these days, but I like to watch or at least pay attention to most of the big buzzy shows to track trends and see what's getting the fandom frustrated or excited. I didn't watch We Are because I knew enough about what it was doing and who was involved to understand it was not for me, but I did pay attention to reactions to it. Watching Jack & Joker with Thai bl fandom right now is some of the most fun we've had since Only Friends killed our spirit. J&J is directed by my parasocial frenemy Tee Bundit, whose shows often frustrate the hell out of me and whom I have ripped to shreds on this platform many times over. But I'm not gonna let that stop me from having fun with this new show, because Joke is The Moment and we're all in this together.

So truly, anon: whether or not you should be like me and watch things you may not like or continue watching shows you don't think are very good depends on what motivates you. You should figure out what is most fun for you re: media consumption, and do that. You can seek out people who enjoy media the same way you do, and also befriend people who think differently if you want to learn from each other and don't mind a bit of productive discomfort from time to time. I have gotten better recently at recognizing when I'm just getting nothing out of a show and dropping it like a hot potato (because some shows are not bad in an interesting way, they are just bad), or realizing which shows I will like better on a binge (usually the ones with terrible pacing, that is not as tortuous for me when I can just watch it all in one go). You gotta do some testing to figure it out.

All of this has all been a really long-winded way to say you should do what makes you happy, and don't assume that just because someone else's happiness looks different from yours, that it's wrong.

[ceofjohnlennon]

🤍 LENNON DAY.

My biggest inspiration outside of my family is called John Lennon, and this raises many questions in people: "Why?" and the easiest answer is: "Why not?"

John Lennon is the coolest guy I've ever seen. The vagrant who apologized and improved, the artist who hated his own art but knew he was a genius, the crazy guy in the group who deep down wanted love from everyone, the powerless guy who was always a child who wanted to heal his traumas. Despite all the pain he carried in his soul, his heart was genuine. His somewhat raw sincerity taught me that the truth is what matters. His social and personal maturity taught me that it's okay to make mistakes, but that you have to fix them. His powerful voice in real discussions taught me that I also have a voice and that I have to use it. His bravery in so many situations that would make others weak in the knees taught me to have the courage to be myself. That's what inspiration is, being inspired by the best in others, and in John, I only see the best. Unfortunately, in these 84 years that we celebrate today, we only had the privilege of having him here for 40, but that does not diminish in any way who he was and who he will always be. My love was created by this Inspiration that made me the best version of myself, and on this yet another birthday of John's that I celebrate as a fan, I want you, also a fan of his, to feel the same way I do. Don't be sad that he's not here, but rather that he was. Look at his life with love, affection and respect and take its most important aspects and transform your own life for the better because, as Ringo Starr himself once said, John would love you - but you have to be a little John every day to do that.

John... I love you and may you be celebrated, loved and feel all the love the world has for you on this yet another birthday, wherever you are. Thank you for being you and teaching me to be me.

From your eternal fan, Di.

[blueicequeen19]

Brothers Betrayal

Warnings: non-con, kidnapping, creampie, oral, face fucking, blackmail, abuse, etc

Next

I try to calm my breathing as I pull the Twinkie up in front of Tannyhill, barely killing the engine when I see Rafe emerge from the front door. The hard expression on his face is all the conformation I need. Images of last night play on loop in my head. The sweet words he whispered in my ear as he took my virginity. The way he held and caressed me like I was a treasure. The way I let him take my innocence and finish inside me without a condom. Then I let him fuck me again. By the time we were done, he had to change the sheets because of all the blood and cum then we showered and I let him take me again. I was still so sore I could feel it as I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I could still feel him inside me. I craved it. I wanted it. There was too much passion and fire last night for it to have all been a lie. But I realize now that Rafe is a manipulator and I was just a pawn he used to make another move against the Pogues. The pranks have gotten out of hand and now my brother had paid the price.

I throw the door open and jump out. The rage I felt is back as I think about what John B is probably going through right now. Whatever this prank was, it's been taken too far. Kidnapping is too far. I march up the walkway of Tannyhill and up the steps to the white mansion before rearing back and slapping Rafe as hard as I can. At least I try. He catches my drawn wrist in one hand, his other hand wrapping around my throat as he shoves me against the door like I'm nothing more than a rag doll.

"Come back for more, doll? I've been thinking about that sweet pussy all day." Rafe growls, leaning in for a kiss. Like hell. I spit in his face and he laughs, smearing his face against mine.

"You motherfucker. Where is my brother?" I demand, attempting to knee him the way JJ showed me but Rafe is quicker, clamping his knees closed.

"What are you talking about? I was with you all night." Rafe smirks, eyeing my lips like he still wants to kiss me but I snarl at him.

"Topper and Kelc took him. I know they did. They're your goons so where. IS. HE?" I'm started to yell and Rafe looks around, like he's worried someone will see or hear so he shoves the door open and tosses me inside before locking the door behind him. My knees are trembling so badly I can barely hold myself up.

"You used me." I cry, wiping angrily at the tears I didn't realize were falling. My first time was perfect and now it was ruined. "You ruined everything!" Rafe advances on me, leading me deeper into the quiet mansion since his family is still on vacation.

"I told you I would. I told you that you'd hate me and I asked you if you were prepared for your family to hate you when they find out. You said you didn't care. You all but begged me to fuck you. I bet your little panties are wet right now." His words only add fuel to the fire, making me lash out with my fist with a cry of rage but I'm no match for him. Rafe knocks me down, pinning my squirming body to the cool hardwood as I scream profanities at him. I hated that he was right. I hated him for what he's done but my body wanted him. His touch made me weak. My resolve was slipping. I could hardly remember why I'd come here.

I gasp when his hand finds its way between my legs and he rubs the seam of my shorts against my clit. I buck against him, hating the way my body reacts to his touch and the way he's smiling in satisfaction.

"I can feel the heat of my pussy through your shorts." Rafe moans softly, before straightening to remove his belt. My eyes widen in surprise and I panic, struggling with all my might as he lifts up and rolls me over like I weigh nothing and binds my arms together with his belt.

"Where is my brother?! It's not a joke anymore!" I scream, not even fighting anymore as Rafe yanks my shorts and panties down my legs and buries his face between my cheeks, feasting like a man who didn't just spend all night inside me. I clamp my mouth shut, holding back any sounds that might escape as I press my forehead to the cool floor. The sounds of the obscene slurping of my wetness makes my face heat with humiliation.

"Rafe, please." I whisper, my legs shaking as he brings me right on the verge of an orgasm embarrassingly fast before stopping.

"God, you taste good." Rafe groans, lifting up and denying my release. The tears fall again in frustration, my body aching to have what he's withheld. My clit throbs in sync with my heartbeat so rapidly it hurts. I hardly notice Rafe manhandling me onto my knees or the feel of his bare thighs against mine as he rubs his huge cock through my soaked, greedy slit.

"Tell me where John B is. I'm begging you." I cry. A sharp smack lands against my ass and I yelp, my hands balling into fists at my back as he slaps me again and again as he works his cock inside me.

"Stop begging for your brother and beg me for this cock." Rafe snarls, using both hands to find leverage on my hips and thrusting the rest of the way inside me so hard I almost drop back down to the floor with a cry. He's too big and I'm still so sore from last night but the pleasure overpowers the pain. I moan like a dirty whore as he uses me, cursing and grunting with every powerful thrust. My face drags against the floor, my arms and hands are numb from loss of feeling and my knees are killing me but I don't tell him to stop. It feels like a never ending cycle of betrayal but my body doesn't care as my toes curl, my eyes start to roll back, and my pussy clamps down like a vice.

"Rafe, I-I.."

"Beg me to let you cum. Beg for me like you did last night."

"Please, Rafe, please." I scream, my body trembling as his hands tighten painfully on my hips, his nails biting the skin as he hammers into me like I'm nothing but I tool for his pleasure.

"Cum, slut." I hate when he calls me that but my body tightens further, everything suddenly going black as I cum so hard my knees give out and Rafe fucks me into the floor. His breath fans across my ear before he finds my shoulder and bites me in the place he did last night, sinking in his teeth so hard I sob as he releases a moment later, filling my body with his warmth so deeply that it hurts. He pulls out with a grunt, dragging his cum back out of me and leaving a warm, sticky mess as I try to gather myself. Rafe doesn't undo my hands as he slips me onto my back and enters me again, holding my legs firmly against his chest as he fucks his cum back into me.

"Rafe." My voice is barely more than a whisper. I'm practically delirious. He's making a mess but I can't seem to care as I watch the way his eyes burn into me, his bottom lip trapped between his teeth, sweat dripping down his face, all while still fully clothed.

"You weren't a prank." Rafe slams into me harder, my hands begging for relief as I scoot back and forth across the floor. I cum with a scream, my back arching off the floor as my body explodes with pure bliss. Minutes pass before I come back down and Rafe has pulled away, tucking himself away and looking like nothing happened while I look and feel like someone who was fucked hard.

“You distracted me so your two morons could take my brother. You made me a part of this stupid prank. You used me.” I rasp, sitting up and carefully sliding my panties back up my legs, ignoring the mess we’ve made.

“That’s not what it is now.” Rafe says cooly, watching as I stand and tug my shorts back up. His eyes move to the floor and I know he’s looking at the puddle of cum we’ve left but I refuse to look.

“I don’t believe you. I never will. You were nice to me! You manipulated me! I let you take my virginity because I thought—.”

“That I liked you? Y/N, your brother is literally my mortal enemy. He took my sister so I took his. I took your virginity because I wanted to. I’m not a nice guy but you knew that. You knew the consequences of this. The only problem now is that I don’t think I’m done with you yet and the moment I release your brother, I’ll never see you again.” My heart breaks in my chest, shattering into a million tiny pieces so abruptly that I have to catch myself on the couch to keep from collapsing.

“Is-is he alive?” I sob, hating how casual and careful Rafe looks in his khakis and fucking polo.

“Well, yea. He’s just holed up somewhere until I’m done with his sister.” Rafe shrugs, hands in his pockets and looking every bit the arrogant spoiled rich guy he is.

“You’re fucking psycho! What makes you think I’ll sleep with you ever again after this? You can’t just decide you want to keep me after you’ve manipulated me and used me. This isn’t even about me. It’s between the damn Kooks and Pogues.” I yell at him. Rafe smirks, running his hand over his buzzed head.

“No, it is about you. You’re John B’s most priced possession right next to my sister. It’s only fitting that I corrupt his sister the way he did mine. My father may never be the same after losing Sarah.”

“Well your father is a piece of shit.” I clip and Rafe’s smug facade drops. He lunges for me and I scream, taking off into a run and throwing myself up the stairs as he tramples after me.

“Run, little rabbit! The longer you let me play the sooner I’ll let your brother go!” Rafe calls as I make my way up another set of stairs, my entire body shaking with adrenaline as I sprint for the last door on the right. If I can get to a window I can climb onto the roof and scream for help until someone notices. I’d even jump into the pool at this point.

I barely get the knob turned when Rafe slams into my back, shoving the door open and throwing me onto the bed.

“Rafe, please.” I cry, trying not to stare as he rips his polo over his head and yanks off the remained of his clothing before straddling me on the bed and ripping my tank top in half.

“Keep begging. I like it.” Rafe hisses, his cock hard and bobbing towards his navel as if to prove his point. Rafe slams his mouth down on mine, his hands sliding under my bra to cup my breasts that he spent all night marking. I rear my hand back and slap his hard, making him bite my lip in the process as he yanks away and pins my arms down with a snarl.

“I will break your arm if you hit me again.” Rafe growls.

“Maybe you should break my legs too so I can’t run.” I spat without thinking. His wicked grin makes me instantly regret my words as he leans down to lick up the side of my face.

“Now there’s an idea. I could keep you in my basement and no one would know.” Rafe pinches my nipples before sliding up onto my chest and shoving his massive dick in my face. I look up at him with as much disgust as I can before he fists the top of my hair, making me cry out before he shoves his cock down my throat.

“Ahh, fuck yes. Get me nice and wet, baby.” Rafe groans as I choke and gag, tears streaming down my face. Just then it clicks. The basement. I’d bet anything that’s where John B is. It would have to be somewhere close. How else could he keep him alive?

“You know, I think I might love you.” Rafe chuckles, pulling back and claiming my mouth in a rough kiss before I can even catch my breath.

“You don’t hurt people you love.” I spat, watching as he crawls down my body and takes his time sucking each of my nipples into his mouth. I fist the comforter to refrain from crying out. He didn’t deserve to hear my sounds of pleasure.

“You do if you know they’ll leave you.” Rafe mumbles around my flesh in his mouth. His licks his way down my sternum, licking his lips as he comes face to face with my pussy.

“It didn’t have to be like this.” I bite out just as he swipes his tongue through my slit.

“Maybe it didn’t.” Rafe licks me lazily, like he’s got all the time in the world as he hauls my legs over his shoulders. “But John B would always be in the way. So if he can ruin my family, then I can ruin his.”

[pinkandlilacroses]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

Angel - Paige bueckers

part 6

• summary {in which an unsuspecting girl falls for the basketball star}

• warnings {angst, it gets cute at the end tho}

averys pov

“avery why cant we tell them” azzi yells, this has been our third fight this week about this topic

“azzi you know why we cant” i say, sternly

“no i dont, thats why im asking”

“azzi, bellas in the other room. shut up” i say

“ok, fuck you” say says, walking out

azzis pov

azzi

- u home

paige

- pls dont come

- stay with avery please

azzi

- im coming

fuck paige has been weird lately, and she wont tell me

its definitely something with bella

i don’t know how bella doesn’t notice

paige is in love with her

“azzi what did i say” paige says, yelling, tears flooding her eyes and the neck of her shirt

“paige whats happening” i say, genuinely concerned for my best friend

she begins wailing. i’ve never seen her cry like this before

i quickly wall up and embrace her

“i fucked it” she says, barley getting her words out

“i want her and ill never be able to make her mine” she continues

“bella?” i question

“yes” she says, raising her voice

“im calling her”

“no, azzi, no, please don’t. please” she says, pleading, her voice growing louder

“paige, you need to talk to her. i’ve never seen you like this before” i say, authoritatively

“she hates me”

azzi is calling bella

“hey bella”

“hey”

“can you come over”

“yeah ill come now”

call ended

“paige this is a good thing, you guys need to talk”

bellas pov

i know this is about paige

id be lying if i said i was fine about this situation

i’m reality, i’ve been crying. everyday. at any given opportunity

i dont have any resentment towards paige, even though i definitely should. i mean, what she did was fucked

and she never explained herself, all she could say is “i cant do it” like what the fuck does that mean

knock, fuck i should leave

knock, i hate her

knock, no i dont

“hey bella” azzi says, bringing me into her embrace. i know azzi and avery are dating, but they cant tell anyone because avery cheated on jake with azzi, and she hates what she did. but she truly does love the girl, cute. i hate love

“paige is in her room”

walking towards paiges room, nerves surprisingly aren’t present. i felt calm, normal

“who is it” paige yells, across the door

“bella” i say, yelling back

paiges pov

“shit shit shit” i say to myself, i look awful. i didn’t think she would actually show up

i’ve been crying for what feels like years, and i finally can get everything off my chest. but i’m more terrified than ever before

she opens the door. fuck

“hey paige” she says softly, i cant bear to look at her. i dont want to see how she has effected me

“paige look at me” she says, sitting down next to me, leaning over. hand on my knee

i look at her

shock plastered on her face

she says nothing, bringing me close and wrapping her arms around me, protectively

“im so sorry” i say into her chest

“paige its ok, im not mad”

“yes you are, i fucked up” i say, tears beginning to form again

she moves so we are face to face, her laying on top of me

“you dont know how bad i want you bella, but i’m, i’m scared” i say, i’ve never been this vulnerable with a girl before. i feel weak

“paige its ok, theres no pressure” she says, reassuringly

“i know you dont feel the same, thats why ive been so down”

“how do you know, paige” she says, sternly. contrasting her previous tone

“it’s obvious” i say. is it?

“no its not, i want you the same amount that you want me” she says, staring intently into my tear filled eyes, that are forming once again

“really” i say, genuinely confused

“yes” she says, slightly laughing

this cant be real, how, what, when, where, why.

after everything i’ve done, she still likes me?

“paige, you there” she says, commenting on my spacing out

“are you sure” i say, coming back to reality

she responds by gently pressing her lips to my own

this kiss was different than any others i’ve experience, its sweet, loving. reflecting of how i feel about her, and i guess how she feels about me.

[askinkiskarma]

Cruel Summer | Chapter V: Oceans and Engines (end)

Pairings: Neteyam x (f)Human!Reader

Word Count: 8k words

Warnings/notes: angst, allusions to/mentions of smut, some fluff, all the feels, 18+ minors DNI

Synopsis: "The culmination of love is grief, and yet we love despite the inevitable. We open our hearts to it. ... To grieve deeply is to have loved fully. Open your heart to the world as you opened it to me, and you will find every reason to keep living in it."

A/N: Please read this before you read the final chapter x

Also, please listen to the playlist, and Oceans and Engines as you read, as I feel it will really enhance the experience.

I will leave my notes at the end of the chapter. Ily besties, enjoy!

: ̗̀➛ listen to the Cruel Summer playlist here : ̗̀➛ masterlist (x) : ̗̀➛ series masterlist (x)

Saturday sunset

We're lying on my bed with five hours to go

Fingers entwined and so were our minds

Cryin', "I don't want you to go"

Neteyam was disorientated and lost, more so than he's ever been in his life, a life that felt like quicksand, swallowing him whole with every involuntary move, that didn't allow him to escape until it suffocated him, until it snuffed the light completely out of his body, until there was nothing left. Still, in this state, his only thought of you, and of the necessity to find you, to talk to you, of the hope that you'd talk him out of it.

He eventually found you on the beach, staring into the distance, back turned away from him, and his heartbreak hurt, its edges bleeding and broken, reeling at the unfairness of the universe, at the thought of having to tell you, once again, that he’s abandoning you for someone else, for a sense of duty he didn’t seem to be able to overcome.

“Vol…” 

Your soft sniffles took Neteyam by surprise, as did your face, littered in tears, eyes, nose and cheeks red and swollen. Neteyam exhaled, a sharp tug of pain tugging at his insides, and he sat next to you, unable to look at your face without breaking down, so he just looked at the ocean. 

“You heard.” 

He saw you nodding in his periphery. 

“Yeah… your mother, uhm… she was talking about it when I went to check on Kiri.” 

“Vol, I…” 

“Hey… stop.” You turned to face him, your knees pressing hard against his thighs, and you reached out to his face and turned it so he was looking at you. You brushed the tears that were falling over his lips and they trembled slightly as you did. 

“I think it’s my turn to talk.” 

You took a deep breath in. 

“All my life, I felt alone. I watched from the outside looking in at a life I could never have. I watched kids, my age, blue and so much taller than me, laughing and running and playing, not for one second having to doubt their place in the world, the meaning of their lives, because it was clear as day, from the moment they were born. I watched as you guys had a loving family, and two parents who were crazy about you, and so much love filled your tent and your faces, I was always jealous. I know you know this, but my mother never wanted me. She always resented me for not being able to return back home, for being too pregnant to allow for the cryo technology needed to make it back it Earth. Seven years I knew her, and seven years were enough for her to give me enough trauma to never fully recover from it, trauma I’ve yet to outgrow. So I was jealous. I wanted so badly to be part of your family, and of your world. I hated myself, and my body, and my parents, and every little happenstance that it took for me to be here, in this place, as I am, useless and weak.

But then, one day, this boy, he changed everything. He gave me a home, in his eyes, and his arms, in his mind and his laugh. And I’ve never been the same since. We grew up together and learnt to brave life together. I was his confidant, and his court jester. He was my biggest cheerleader, and my bodyguard. We were each other’s brother and sister, and later, we were each other’s comfort and love. I found myself in him, and I learnt my beauty looking at it through his eyes. I discovered my worth in the way he looked at me like stars were born from the freckles of my skin. And I hope I did the same to him. Neteyam, you saved my life. You gave me a sense of belonging, and a home. You gave me love, and friendship, and the chance to be myself and loved unconditionally for it. And I’ll never be able to thank you for it. 

All my life, I have been selfish. I got to watch as you had to struggle with big sacrifices that you were forced to make, and got to be angry at you for making them, without really thinking about it too much. I got to always be the victim, and made you the villain, because it’s easier this way. I got to be mad at you and think of myself so much of my life. And you had to live with the knowledge that you broke my heart, and deal with that guilt on top of everything else you were going through. And… I’m sorry.” 

Your voice cracked as he tightly shut his eyes and put his head in his hands, sobbing silently, finally able to let it all out, after all these years, after so long of keeping it all in. 

You wiped away tears

But not fears under the still and clear indigo

You said, "Baby, don't cry, we'll be fine

You're the one thing I swear I can't outgrow"

“It’s my turn, now.” You tried to crack a smile. “It’s my turn to be the bad guy. It’s my turn to break your heart. It’s my turn to be selfless, for once in my life. So I’m leaving, Neteyam. I think it’s time for me to go.” 

“What?” 

“We tried." the smile faltered as you said those words, as your voice broke, replaced by glistening eyes and a poorly masked grimace.

"We gave it our all, didn’t we? It’s the best that we could do, the best anyone can do, is give it their best. We did that. And I was so afraid yesterday, afraid of the fall, and while the fall is here, I’m not afraid anymore. Because I got to love you. At last once, I got to know that you loved me too, and that all these years, everything we shared, despite what we told each other, it was real, and it was love. I got almost two years with the man of my dreams, the love of my life, and I’m grateful for it. I got to know what it was like to be in love and have it reciprocated, what it was like to belong to someone, fully, wholly, and… what better way is there to live? 

You know, it always felt like we were running on borrowed time, you and me. And it turns out we were. And while our time is up, I still got a lifetime of memories that I’ll always carry with me, that I’ll always cherish.”

He sobbed and you cried silent tears, as he wrapped his arms around you and hugged you, and you felt his whole body shake as he cried, and you let him, and you prayed you could be strong enough to withhold his pain and your own. With your head buried in his chest, you stood there, crying together, slowly coming to terms with the love you lost, and the future you’d never get, and the past that made the pain unbearable, and the body you’d never get to hold again. He was everything you’ve ever wanted, everything you kept in dreams and prayers, everything you hoped for and ached for, and you lost him, and he was no longer yours. Was he ever yours to lose? 

“You know, humans believe in this concept of parallel universes. That in this immense universe we are in, there are actually other ones, parallel to our own, in which reality differs. There are infinite realties out there, they say, each of them slightly different to the other. In a different reality, you and I are together right now. In a different reality, I get to stay, and I get to love you forever. In another one, maybe I’m an Avatar, or a Na’vi, and everything we’ve struggled through is moot to begin with. Or maybe, in another one, we’re both human, here at the same time, or back on Earth, and right now we are at our boring 9 to 5 jobs, just daydreaming about seeing each other after work, and bickering about who’s gonna take out the trash. I think things work out for us in every universe but this one, and maybe that’s ok. Maybe we have to suffer for all the other you and mes to get their happy ending, and… I think I’m ok with that.” 

“I just got you back. I just got you back.” 

“I know.”

My mother said the younger me was a pretending prodigy

Well, nothing then, much has changed

'Cause while you're wolfin' down liquor, my soul, it gets sicker

But I'm stickin' to the screenplay, gotta say I'm okay, but answer this, babe

“Come on. We still have today. You’re still mine today, and I’m still yours today. And I want to remember it, this day, not for the worst goodbye of my life, but because it’s one more day I got to love you, the way I wanted to for so long.”

You got up from your spot on the beach and you pressed your palms on his raised knees so that he’d drop them, and he did. You’ve never seen Neteyam like this, this broken before. He looked a lot like you felt, but you knew he had braved too many storms for the two of you and it was your turn. Your turn to be the strong one, to put on the brave face and allow him to mourn, the way you did when he left. He deserved this, and you were happy to do it until you left on that helicopter, as long as you managed to ease his pain at least a little. You positioned yourself with each leg on one side of his thighs, and like this, for the first time ever, you were taller than him, and you did your best to lift his face up with both your hands on either side of his jaw, smiling as your eyes met, trying to ignore how your heart was breaking in a million pieces, how this was the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do, how little time you actually had to look in his eyes anymore and how lost your life would be without his light to guide you through it. You ignored it all and smiled, caressing his face, softening his frown, trailing your soft fingers over his eyes and nose and lips, tugging at the sides until you forced the corners upwards, willing them into his own little smile. You allowed his tears to stain your fingers and you removed your mask and kissed them off his face, as you did his lips, and the rest of his features until you were forced away from him, like you always were when outside, like you would always be from now on.

“Come on, you can’t let me leave without another swim.” 

How is it now that somehow you're a strangеr?

You were mine just yеsterday

I pray the block in my airway dissipates

And instead deters your airplane's way

Later, you laid on his chest, looking at your hands intertwined, his so much bigger than yours, almost engulfing it altogether, taking each one his knuckles and kissing them while your uncovered airways still allowed you to, and you tried your best to forget, at least for a while, that your reality was the tragic one. He did take you swimming again, riding the ilu that you’ve come to like as almost a friend, and you felt a tinge of sadness at another thing you got in one day that you had to let go of tomorrow. He took you to the Tree of Souls, which was forbidden to outsiders, but he didn’t care, not anymore. He wanted you to see it, because in his dreams, he always showed it to you, and in his dreams, you saw it and your guise and manner of expressing yourself brought him so much happiness it always woke him up, and he was glad to know his mind still knew you better than it knew itself, because you reacted exactly the way he’s always imagined, and it did make him so happy that he could cry, that he did cry, once more, tears barely dry from last time.

How was he supposed to let you go? How was he supposed to go ahead with this, when every fibre of his being, every thought of his mind belonged to you, and always will? When he finally found you, when he finally got you, when he knew what happiness really looked like, and how it had always been buried in the depths of your soul, and he just needed to ask for permission to enter it, and now that he had, he didn’t think he could ever leave, and he knew he didn’t ever want to leave. How could life be so cruel, and this summer, the cruelest of them all? 

But heaven denied

Destiny decried

Something beautiful died

Too soon

You took a detour back to the village and stopped on a different beach, isolated and reclusive, full of greenery and sandy beaches, that you decided was now your beach, your own little portion of heaven in the reef, that Neteyam promised would be for just the two of you, for the rest of time, as long as he could help it. He was happy to know he’s once more learnt your body like he used to know it back home, and devastated at how he would never get to put his lessons to good use after today, and from tomorrow, every new scar, and new curve, every new freckle or mole, it would all be unfamiliar to him, never to be seen or learnt again, never his to know again. 

“I figured out what I want.” Neteyam says all of a sudden, and you raise your eyebrows, confused at his words. 

“Hmm?” 

“Our little bet in the water? I beat you to it, and I was supposed to tell you what I wanted and you were supposed to do it.” 

“Ah, yes.” You say, almost impossible to perceive that that was just yesterday, and how it felt like a world away, like a life away. 

“So what do you want, 'teyam?” 

“I want you to promise me you’ll be happy. And you’ll live your life to the fullest, just like you always have when I was there.” 

Your eyes widened and the tears that followed had no time to gather in them as they came and went in a split second, and you were almost surprised you still had tears left to cry. You tried your best to put on a brave face, that you worried came off more like a wince, and you laughed, a fruitless attempt at making light of a dark, dim situation. 

“How can I be happy without you, 'teyam?” It was meant to be a joke. Just a teasing, light joke, but it came out as more of a wail, because while the words were supposed to be said in jest, they were also a genuine concern, a question that has plagued you for months and will continue to, for a very long time.

It was his turn to put a brave face on and a fake smile as he rolled his eyes and pulled you closer. 

“It shouldn’t be that hard, I’m not that great anyway.” 

You laughed too, wishing there was a way to erase the liquids pooling at the bottom of your damp mask. 

“Eh, you’re right. You’re just ok.”

You tightened your arms around his torso, and pulled him as close to you as you could. You both sighed, and tried to keep more tears from falling through. 

“Just try. Please? I need to know you’re going to try, Vol.” 

You nodded reluctantly, feeling as each crack of your heart deepened and chipped away, broken shards floating through your veins, making the ache travel through every inch of your body. 

“Only if you try.” 

But I'm letting go, I'm givin' up the ghost

But don't get me wrong

I'll always love you, that's why

I wrote you this very last song

You woke up in his arms as eclipse was almost over, and whatever was left of your heart sank as the dreaded new day came, and with it, the end of happiness and of life as you came to know it for almost 20 years. He was awake, you realised, as you raised your head to check, hopeless look about him as he looked up at the sky, at the eclipse melting into breaking dawn. You sighed, realising that there was very little to be said, very few words that could make this better, that could ever amend and mend the hurt in your both hearts, the loss of a relationship, a friendship and a future all in one, so you said nothing. You both watched the time ticking with each inch of the planet moving away from the sun, until eventually, the last remnants of the eclipse were just a memory. Like he now was. 

You rose to your feet, finding it hard to put on your clothes and turn around to face him. He half-rose as well, sitting with his arms propped behind him, leaning on them, as he continued to look up at the sky, not bothering to erase the tears falling down his face and chin until they hit his chest. You sat next to him, looking at the beach and at how the waves crashed onto the shores, and tried to focus on the rhythmic sounds they made to calm your racing, bleeding heart. 

“‘teyam… I think it’s time for you to go.” You ignored the way your voice broke as you spoke and you hoped he would, as well. “I think it’s time. I will stay here, on this beach, and I need you to please get up and go.” 

“Vol… I can’t leave you… please…” 

“Yes, you can. You will get up, and you will go, and you will be the selfish one for once. And you will do your duty, which is what you’ve always wanted to do, and you will meet this girl and fall in love with her in time, and watch as she adores you, because how could she not?, and you will be Olo’eyktan, the way you were always meant to be. You will do all these things, because you have to. Because, deep down, you know it’s the right thing to do.” 

You were both crying, sobbing in each other’s arms, trying to find the courage to leave, to finally say goodbye.

“I’m so sorry, Vol.” 

You shook your head. One last time, you took off your mask and kissed him, and you poured it all into the kiss, the goodbye you could never bring yourself to speak out loud, the love you had and now had to leave behind, the dreams and aspirations that were now just specks of sand blown in the wind, you put it all in that last kiss, and felt him do the same. 

“Don’t be sorry. I love you so much. And I forgive you.”

 

“I realised something these past two days. I held on to so much hate and anger because it helped me deal with your loss. But it was haunting, and piercing, my time away from you. The fire that was fuelled by my rage burned cold, like frostbite. But this… is different. Forgiveness is warm. Like a tear on a cheek. Think of that… and of me, when you stand in the rain. I loved you completely, and you loved me the same. That’s all. The rest is confetti.”

“Now go.” 

And so he did, and so you watched his back as it got further and further away from you until he was completely gone, and alone at last, you finally felt free to fall apart. 

I guess this is where we say goodbye

I know I'll be alright

Someday I'll be fine

But just not tonight 

The ceremony was beautiful. She was beautiful. Tall and turquoise skinned, with luscious, long, curly hair and a supple, jewellery-adorned body, she was everything you would never be. Jake insisted that you stayed. You were family, this was a happy time, and you should be here to celebrate. And so you stayed. And you watched as the Tsa’hik symbolically bound their destinies together with a piece of woven thread. You watched as she brought their heads together and made them recite words of promise and forever, looking into each other’s eyes, praying to Eywa for a fruitful mateship and for healthy offsprings. You said your tears were happy tears, just excited tears, when asked by the scientists and the rest of the Sullys, and you felt suddenly sorry for them, that they would never know. That in their midst, the greatest love story they would have ever seen was born and died, and they were ignorant of it. And you were angry at them, and at the world, for it had missed you, and missed him, for it will never know a love like yours, a love that was beyond this life and the next, but you resigned yourself, in the end, in knowing that it was enough that you knew, and that he knew. It was enough. 

After the ceremony, you had to watch as they left, just the two of them, headed towards the Tree of Souls, where you were just a few hours ago, and knowing what they were going to do made you sick, so you excused yourself and ran, as far as you could in the opposite direction, before lunging forwards and expelling all the pain and hurt that was too overbearing to remain contained in your body. You tried to think of anything else, like Tuk, and Kiri and Lo’ak, like Jake and Neytiri, like the beautiful beach and the sea and the animals inhibiting it, but everything came back to him, and the images flashing of him doing what you did last night to her, of his queues intertwined with hers, of having access to the part of him that only you were ever privy to, of the agonising thought that all your life, you were just a trial run for the real deal… it was hurt unlike anything you thought the human body could withstand, and yet you did. Because you promised him. That you would try to move on, and try to be happy. 

“Don’t be a stranger, ok, kid? I know you were upset, and we’re really sorry, but we want you in our lives. Ok?” 

You nodded and hugged Jake, and the rest of the Sullys, knowing you were lying, that you'll never come back here again, but glad to at least get this moment with them, a moment to catch-up and say a proper goodbye, and despite everything, despite it all, you were happy you came. Norm was right. It was good to have closure, it was good to let the people in your life that you love them, and that you’ll miss them, and that life will never be the same without them. You never know where life will take you next, and everything can change at a drop of a hat. But at least you got this. You got to love Neteyam, and hold him. You got to laugh and chat as you always used to do, you got to tell him how much he’s always meant to you and hear how much he’s loved you in return, and you got to ease his pain, at least a little, and despite it all, you were grateful. 

Plungin' into all kinds of diversions

Like blush wine and sonorous soirées

But even with gin and surgin' adrenaline

I see you're all that can intoxicate

The ride home was quiet, or at least it appeared so to you, as you didn't register anything besides the emptiness of your own soul and the overflowing of your thoughts that were trying to understand it all, trying to piece together what they had just witnessed and what they'd have to do to get you through the upcoming days. It was quiet, as was meeting spider again, although you vaguely remember some echoed cries and screams, some pleas of "please make it stop", someone carrying you to your room, and falling asleep in unfamiliar arms, that weren't blue or dotted with stars, that weren't the ones you ached for, the ones you'd never be in again.

The days were slow, and dragging. It was hard to find your footing in this new life. Before Awa’atlu, despite the anger and the pain, there was some hope in your mind, that you’d one day see him again. It was enough to keep you going, even if it was for you to yell at him, to curse him off, to scream about how angry you were and hope that he would apologise and make it up to you. It kept you going, that unlikely scenario, made you push through the hurt and change. But now, you didn’t have that anymore. There was no unresolved issues, no lingering, hidden feelings that could still be confessed, no way for him to one day return and ever be yours in any form ever again. There was nothing there. And that gaping hole left by his absence, by the love that was nested in your body with nowhere to go, with no one to give it to, the hole left by everything he was to you and the life he’s left behind, it was enough to cower you, to knock you down, day after day, enough so that you couldn’t find it in you to get up in the morning. 

Oceans and engines

You're skilled at infringing on great love affairs

'Cause now my heart's home

All I've known is long gone and ten thousand miles away

And I'm not okay

Norm’s subtle knocks were unmistakable - he was always gentle and kind, and always mindful of your disposition. You didn’t answer, but he came in anyway after a while, his hand over his eyes. 

“Is it ok for me to come in?” You sighed and rose from the bed, feet dangling off the side. 

“Yes, Norm. I’m coming to the lab now, sorry for being late.” 

He came in and the door slid closed behind him with a soft thud. He sat next to you on the bed and looked nervously at his fidgety hands. You rose an eyebrow, intrigued as to what could have made him this way. 

“Kid… are you ok? Like… are you truly ok?” 

Your eyes widened imperceptibly at his loaded question, that you knew you could never answer truthfully, that no white lie could ever cover. So you didn’t. 

“Why wouldn’t I be ok?” 

“Because there’s no light in your eyes anymore, kid. Because I look at you and it’s like I’m looking at a ghost. Because you’re scaring the shit out of me and Max.” He sighed, and reached over to take your hand in his and squeezed. 

“We didn’t know. About you and Neteyam, we didn’t know.”

Your gaze snapped at his face, and he looked sad and… almost embarrassed looking back at you. 

“Norm, wh-…? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“You know you can talk to us, right? I know it’s weird to talk to your surrogate uncles, but we’re here for you, kid. And you shouldn’t have to go through something like this alone. I’m sorry you had to sit through the ceremony, we didn’t realise until it was too late.” 

“How?” Your voice was barely above a whisper as you spoke. 

“During. And after. We had to watch the life getting snuffed out of your eyes slowly on the way back home. I’ve never seen anyone look so sad before… maybe except him. It was supposed to be one of the best days of his life, and yet, he’s never looked worse, the poor kid.”

“I’m sorry, kid. How long…?”

“It’s… complicated. I’m sorry I never told you. We both felt it wasn’t something anyone would be comfortable with, and we both know it could never last. It was supposed to be… fuck. I don’t know what it was supposed to be.” 

Norm sighed and put a hand on your shoulder, giving it a sympathetic tug.

But I'm letting go, I'm giving up the ghost

But don't get me wrong, I'll always love you, that's why

I wrote you this very last song

I guess this is where we say goodbye

I know I'll be alright, but just not tonight

"Did I ever tell you about Trudy?" you shook your head. The name sounded familiar, and you're sure you've heard it from Jake or Max, but other than the fact that she was a human that died in the war, you didn't know much else.

"She was... well, I guess she was my Neteyam." tears immediately gathered in your eyes at his statement and the empathy that engulfed you, because, if it was anything like it, then you pitied Norm and wished you could take away some of his pain, just like you wish someone could take away some of yours.

"I loved her, so much. I loved this planet when I came here, but it was a superficial love. I was young, and wanted nothing else than to prove myself, that I'm a good scientist, that I'm a good researcher. I was jealous and bitter of Jake for getting what I thought was my chance at success, at fame. And then I met her, and she was so full of light, and spark. She was brave, and kind. She just wanted to live and laugh and fly her helicopter, and... and do the right thing. Not because it would have brought her money or prizes or acclaim, but because that's just who she was. I thought I knew what love was, what being a good person was, what being happy was, but I didn't, not until I fell in love with her. When she died, I was so lost. I felt like a part of me died with her. I thought I'd never recover, and to a certain extent, I never did. I wish I can tell you that time heals, but in reality, that's not a guarantee. But you want to know something?"

"All her lessons, both meant and inadvertent, everything she meant to me, all the memories we shared, everything is still here. I still carry it with me, and it will always be a part of me. She will always be a part of me, and while that thought scared me in the beginning, while I hoped that time healing meant I would forget, now I know it means embracing the happiness it gave you, all the ways their presence in your life made you a better person. It means knowing that love is real, and it's everything, because you felt it with them, because they shared it with you. It's what makes this life worth living. And pain is just a reminder of how incredible your time together was. Cause in the end, what is grief, if not love persevering?"

Tonight was the first time I stared into seas

Of beguiling sepia two years ago

And the first time I learned real world superpowers lived in three words

They revitalise my fraying bones

•☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

“Happy birthday, Vol.” 

“So, how would rate your 19th birthday compared to your 18th?” 

You thought about it for a while. 

“Well, I can say it’s had a lot less booze, but a lot better sex.” You both laughed while your head was rested on his shoulder, as you watched your favourite season of your favourite show, sprawled in bedsheets, his naked body glimmering in the dark and reflecting in your eyes as you took his beauty in, that you never got accustomed to, no matter how many times you saw it. When the credits rolled in and the music faded, leaving a dark room behind, silent apart from your breaths, that were getting laboured once more as desire built up in your core yet again, you straddled him and watched his face get closer to yours, until your lips met, until his tongue explored your mouth and neck, leaving traces of him on you, until your hands trailed his chest and abdomen, lingering over his abs, until they reached what they were looking for, until he made you scream, over and over, until you let him. 

“You’re a fiend.” 

“I’m a fiend?! What about you?” Neteyam shook his head, and you scoffed and rolled your eyes at what you thought was a preposterous statement. 

“Let’s think about it. Who seduced who the first time? Who was drunk off their ass and asked to fuck, huh?” 

“Who kept getting boners around their best friend until one day she had the guts to do something about it, huh?”

He rolled you off of him with ease and pinned you to the ground, smirking and pushing his hips into your still dripping core. 

“You know why I kept getting boners, Vol? Because I could smell you. I could smell how wet you were around me. Your scent drove me nuts for so long. It still does. You intoxicate me. You drive me fucking crazy, Vol.” 

You said nothing as you looked in his eyes, as your heart fluttered much like the butterflies that were digging their way through your stomach.

“‘teyam…” He shuts you up with kiss, tender and soft, so unlike his words or actions, and you melt into it, and the fear creeps in your chest as you fall for him deeper, as you half-consider just telling him, just coming out with it, because fuck, you loved him and this wasn’t helping. 

“I have something for you. Birthday present.” Suddenly, he got off you, leaving you a breathless mess, and retrieved something from the pile of clothes on the floor. He plopped himself next to you and pulled you close, until you were resting his head on his torso, and you snuggled into him, glancing at the object in his hand curiously.

His words were soft-spoken and quiet, almost bashful, and you noticed his heart picking up speed, thumping loudly in the ear that was pressed tightly against his chest. “I didn’t know what to do for your birthday, considering you’re already blessed with the best gift in the world… my presence in your life, that is…” you snickered sarcastically, and he continued. “…but, every time I go on a mission, I think of you, and your voice that tells me to be safe, and I see your eyes looking back at me as you stitch my wounds afterwards, and I make it a point to grab a pebble at the end of each mission, to give to you. But, for one reason or another, I never did. So here.” He grabbed your hand in his, turning it upwards so your palm was facing the ceiling, and dropped the item in it. 

A necklace. A gorgeous, stunning, impossibly beautiful choker, with tens, if not hundreds of beads and pebbles of different colours and textures woven into it. It looked majestic, fit for a queen, or a Tsa’hik, and you felt tears pool in your eyes at its meaning, at how long he must have been collecting these for, with you in mind, at how long it must have taken to make, at how much it meant to him, and now to you. He took it from you and you held your hair so he could fasten it around your neck. It fit you perfectly, and you smiled up at him, raising an eyebrow. 

“How did you know it was going to fit?” He smiled and your fingers caressed your cheek, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. 

“Let’s just say I’ve had my hand wrapped around your throat enough times to have a pretty good frame of reference.”

You couldn’t help the blush in your cheeks, or the way your reached back for your new gift so you could trace your fingers over it, imprinting the feel of every bead in your mind, thinking of each one and trying to correlate it to a time, or a place, to a hunt or a battle he was part of that you weren’t, but how you were ever-present in his mind. 

“Do you like it?” 

“I love it, ‘teyam. Thank you.” 

“Making this necklace, it was a good reminder that you have been the only constant in my life since I was born. No matter how much my life has changed, how much I changed, you’ve always been there to brave the storm with me. And I love you, Vol. You’re my best friend. Forever.” 

“Forever.” 

•☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

The hurt of the dream lingered as you woke up, as you had to deal with its remnants that were tattooed in your mind, as you had to once more convince yourself that somehow waking up is better than what you just left behind. It wasn’t, it never was. It was hard to find the will to get out of bed when in bed, this was your reality, filled with beautiful memories and hopeful fantasies, whereas out of bed, your reality was filled with war, and fighting, training til everything bled, and the gaping hole of heartbreak. And to top it all off, it’s your birthday today. A day that stopped belonging to you two years ago, and was instead just another bitter reminder of his absence. 

You got up from the bed and showered, finding comfort in the water hitting your skin and untying the knots in your tense muscles. It's taken awhile, weeks for you to mourn, but you have officially started training with Spider and Tarsem again, and you hated to admit it, but it helped. Being outside, in the forest, from dusk til dawn, thinking of nothing else but the ache in your body and the focus on the target, on the next goal, the next milestone, it kept your mind occupied and it allowed you to cope better than you ever expected. It was nice to be around other people, and you felt grateful for each and every one of them, because in truth, you didn't think you could have made it on your own.

When you made your way through the village to join everyone for breakfast, you were greeted with a myriad of screams of happy birthday, from humans, avatars and Na'vi alike, and for the first time in weeks, you felt a tinge of joy in your heart, and a swell of gratitude for the unforeseeable change in attitude from the people of the clan. For the first time in your life, you felt welcomed here, and you didn't know whether it was Tarsem's influence, or the Na'vi having another reminder, now that the Sky People were back, that not all humans are inherently evil, or your strenuous effort to be one of them and join in the battles and the training, but regardless of what it was, it was a gratifying change.

"Birthday girl, come on. We've been dying to give you your present." Max had the biggest smile on his face and an item you couldn't place in his hand.

"Here. Happy birthday, from all of us."

You raised an eyebrow.

"From all of you? That's a big present."

You took the curious contraption in your hands and twirled it around. It was lanky and weird, and it looked old, before your time, and even their time. You noticed as you inspected it that it had an eyepiece that resembled that of a microscope.

"That, kid, is called a stereoscope. Look into it."

You did, and as you put your eyes in the socket, a big picture of... cells came into view. But they weren't cells you've ever seen before.

"What is this?"

"Those, kid... are your cells. Actually, if we are being specific, they are your future Avatar's cells."

The stereoscope fell from your hands and you were happy Spider had catlike reflexes because it looked precious and unique and you didn't want to break it, but God, in that moment, you really couldn't care less.

"What did you say?"

"You know all the things we got from the humans that we didn't know what to do with or what they were? Well, we figured it out, kid. You, Spider and Max are all getting Avatars. And their technology massively improved, too. They're growing like crazy, it shouldn't take more than a year. By next year, you might be able to take it out for a spin."

A year later, as you celebrated yet another birthday, you had to give it to the scientists for being men of their word, as you stood in your new shiny Avatar body, that you've already become used to in the few weeks you've been inhabiting it. The mountain stronghold was filled with laughter and music as the celebration was underway, as people celebrated you and your 21st birthday, a big event back on Earth, apparently. You laughed with the rest of them, drinking and telling stories of this and that, trying not to dwell on the thoughts that were burrowing through layers of your mind, coming to the forefront, unwanted and unannounced. Thoughts of him, of you, thoughts of how this Avatar could have been the answer to all your problems if news of it came even if a few weeks before, how the universe was cruel and mocking, and how none of it mattered, not anymore. You wanted to focus on the positives, and you would. Just not tonight. Tonight, you had one last thing to do.

Now what do you do when your pillar crumbled down

You've lost all solid ground

Both dreams and demons drowned

And this void's all you've found

And doubts light it aglow?

As the celebration died down, in the early hours of the morning, you made your way to a place you loved so much, that you knew you needed to see once more, today, on your birthday. Because this place was his place, that he shared with you a long time ago, that in time became your place, and there was no more appropriate time to visit it one last time than today, on your birthday, exactly 3 years after everything changed between you. It was a long walk, on treacherous paths that you felt uneasy traversing by yourself, but there was no one else to do this with - not outside of him. Eventually, you pushed past thick foliage and greenery and you saw it, and despite how much time it’s passed, it still felt like the wind was knocked from your lungs with enough force to make you fall to the ground. It’s like no time passed at all. It still felt like he never left. To this day, his ghost haunted you, his memory continuous and unperturbed in your mind. 

Eventually, you pushed back and sat on the edge of the cliff, like you did the first time he brought you here, and looked at the endless beauty of the vast drop and the roar of the waterfall as it fell and hit the river underneath. 

You couldn’t even remember all the times you have been here, both of you looking ahead at the view, laughing and talking with no cares in the world, just happy to be in each other’s presence, happy to feel safe and understood, and have someone to complain to, someone to share your deepest secrets and fears with no judgement. All the times he’s watched you cry, or made you cum, too many to count, too many to forget. 

I have so many questions

But I'm pouring them into the ocean

And I'm starting up my engine

You would have given anything for him to be here as you were now, tall and blue and supple, to be able to share this moment with him, to be able to kiss him in this place you both loved, that carried so much of you, of him, to be able to know one day you’ll bring your children here, that you’ll be able to watch it pass by from the back of an ikran as you went on a family trip. You wondered if he would have found you beautiful like this, if he would even recognise you. You barely recognised yourself these days, both like this and going back to your human body, your real body, that changed as you spent more time in the neurolink, learning to be Na’vi, building up the strength in the only body that now seemed to count. You wondered if he would be excited with you, or if he’d miss your normal body. You wondered if he’d just forget about your body altogether and focus only on the blue one you were currently inhabiting. 

You wondered if he was happy. If he was getting along with his new mate, if she’s nice to him, if she knows how to mend his wounds and that he’s allergic to some of the plants a Tsa’hik uses for healing ointments. You wondered if he’s suffering as much as you are, even after all this time, or if he’s moved on, like he should, like you should. There were so many questions, that will forever remain unanswered, but that’s why you were here. You were here to look at this place one last time, to throw all the unsolved mysteries of life, and love, of the past and future away, away in the river, so they can float away into the ocean and be lost in the abyss, and allow you to finally move on.

You reached your hand in the pouch you had tightened on your chest, and pulled out a necklace, the necklace, that meant too much to you, and you looked at it, tracing your fingers over every one of the many pebbles embellishing it, reminiscing about the stories you made up in your head about each one, remembering each memory Neteyam told you they were about, watching as tears bounced off of them as the world became blurry around you, until eclipse slowly faded away from view and day took its place. You stood there for hours, thinking, crying, trying to build up the courage to do what you knew you had to do… needed to do. 

And I'm letting go, I'm givin' up your ghost

It's come to a close, I marked the end with this last song I wrote

Late in the night, with one last look at the necklace that didn’t fit you anymore, at all it represented, with one last glance at every pebble - each one, in your mind, a memory, or a touch, or a kiss, or a laugh, each one an i love you, an I miss you you said to each other, each one a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a month spent together, each one a memory you’d never get to make, a touch, or a kiss, or a laugh you’d never get to share again, each one an I love you or an I miss you you’d never get to say or hear again, you let go of it all, letting it fall over the edge of the cliff, hoping that he’s happy, like he promised you he’d try to be, and determined to keep your own promise in this new life, a life that started and will end without him.

I'm letting go, this is the last falsetto I'll ever sing to you

My great lost love.

A/N: there it is, besties. the intended end to cruel summer. honestly, i just wanted to say a massive thank you if you managed to reach this far. when i started this blog, a few months ago, and posted the first chapter of illicit affairs, i did it on a whim, i did because i thought why not? Now, 2000 followers later, I get to write so many stories I never thought I'd ever get to, or even think of, and it's all because of you.

Cruel Summer means a lot to me, as i think it signifies my growth as a writer, my growth on this platform, and as a person learning through deal with my own personal issues through my characters. I loved writing it so much, I cried so much, probably more than with any other story I wrote, and I hope I managed to make you feel something, and maybe think, bc that's all I want, that's all anybody that does any sort of art can want i think.

Thank you for coming on this journey with me, and I hope you stay for what's next, bc I'm not done, as long as there's still people that want to be here. I love you and am very grateful to all 2000 of you.

thank you @karma-is-a-cat-purringinmylap bc this ending is the way it is bc of her and her sending me this song back in like chapter II. I love you and you changed my life by introducing me to niki. (initially, the chapter was going to be Happiness after TS's song)

Also see if you can spot all the quotes from different games/tv shows i used ;)

Taglist: @liluvtojineteyam @pinkpantheris @fanboyluvr@bananafruityawne @zaddyneteyamlovergirl @netemoon @www-interludeshadow-com @jackiehollanderr