#i hate everything so much and my day is ruined
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Quick chat.
I hate being the fun police but here goes.
While I do love that so many of you lovelies are enjoying my fics and writing, I have to address some of the things that are being commented/reblogged under my posts.
We’re all here for a silly goofy time but there’s boundaries. Respectfully, all the people telling me in great detail all the ways they fucked themselves to my fics, all the people asking me to roleplay certain stuff with them, need to stop. It’s weird. Having sexual reactions towards my writing is fine but don’t involve me because I’m not some sexual object.
Commenting the regular stuff like “I had a reaction”, “both lips smiled”, “ugh right there”, “great now I’m pregnant”, “I could kiss you”, “raw next question”, or anything like that is FINE (if we’re moots you can say whatever you want I love you) because it makes me smile because i love hearing your feedback and I also find it funny but all that other shit gotta go.
Now onto the problem with my ask box.
Stop spamming and flooding it begging me to drop more parts of anything. There’s so many that I can’t even get to all my previous asks. It’s genuinely harassment at this point and it’s annoying. My salesman series and Clark series are pretty liked on my page and even though I put the Clark fic out only two days ago, the spam asks are already starting.
I’d love to update everything but I won’t if I feel like I’m being swarmed or harassed.
Again, sorry to ruin the fun but it’s getting to be a bit much.
#asks#answered💛🎀#now closed#fiyero x reader#clark kent smallville x reader#the salesman x reader#logan howlett x reader#smut
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i know this is so late!! I barely check my strawpage 💔💔 but anyway yes ofc!!
I know this asks for s3 but I'm gonna mention s2 bc I think it's important
also big big warning im a tophabe shipper and an over analyzer blah blah what clone high did y'all watch blah blah im delusional. also sometimes I forget words or phrase stuff weirdly, so I hope that my gibberish makes sense to you!
anyway, now to the interesting stuff!!
how topher feels about people and friendships
a bit unrelated but not really, I think most people loved clone alone, and how all the boys interacted, and me too! it was funny, and a lot of people wanted topher to be a part of the boys group, and obviously me too, but, even though I loved the idea there was something that didn't convince me about it...and i couldn't figure out why until s3 aired
topher's friendship with the bleacher creatures works because they're all outcast
and that's a bit of the reason why topher and abe's friendship worked (in a way)
Topher feels understood by the bcreatures, something he wouldn't have with many people
Topher's feelings towards people, as a whole, are a bit different to his different towards friendship, so first let's take a look at
how he feels about people in a more general view
(this is mainly s2 bc I don't think one can talk about s3 without it, u can just skip it to the next section tho)
Topher has a clear resentment towards the popular or "normal" clones, he tried to cater to people's sympathy using his woke persona, but his peers probably never liked him because of his shitty behavior (personally, I see Topher as more socially awkward that intentionally rude in s2, this doesn't mean that I'm trying to justify him, but in s3 is when he actively tries to ruin the rest of the clones day, when in s2 he's just intentionally "evil" a few times) and topher never understood that was the reason, creating this hate or resentment towards them.
in s2 he's pushed to the side on some occasions, for example in s2e5 when harriet rejects him twice in her musical because well she doesn't like him. another example could be the death maze where jfk destroys his phone and spends more time with abe (something that he caused to himselfff but yeah), then in s3 we have the dialogues 'until she kicked you to the curb' by jackee and 'the same curb we've all been kicked in' by topher, he clearly felt ignored by his classmates, and personally I think he's referring to abe forgetting him and talking to jfk and confucius.
also his roll call song 'nobody likes me, I do not know why',repeating it, but I think it's important to keep it in mind, to Topher, the rest of the clones don't have a reason to hate him but they do, who wouldn't hate their classmates when they seem to hate you too without a reason?
(my personal view is that he blames it on being a clone of columbus, that's why the name change and the woke persona)
so, in a general view, topher first starts to cater to his classmates so they would like him, more than friendships he wants fans, to say in a way, he wants people to like him. he doesn't really seem to care about friends, which could kinda count as canon, s2e2 he only talks to abe because he's basically forced to. all his attempts fail horribly, and even though he made a friend, abe left him too, so he decides to hate everyone and embrace his horrible side, and to me, because of Abe he had mixed feelings.
at first, he probably thinks that friendships aren't really important anyway, and that Abe is just another popular kid who pushed him to the side. I like to think that even so, abe made him realize that maybe he shouldn't be that selfish.
topher and friendships in s3
buttt the way he thinks about friendship in s3 is clearly different to the way he did in s2!
like i said before, in s2 he doesn't seem to care much about it, but in s3 his friends seem to be everything to him!
and to me it's because of what i said earlier, topher feels understood by the bleacher creatures
all of them were losers, outcasts and 'kicked to the curb', they all know what it's like to be slone
maybe topher doesn't really have what he 'always wanted', but he gets a group of friends that for once aren't weirded out by him, he cares about them
one of the reasons why I think his friendship with abe changed his view about how he needs to interact with other people, it's because yeah, topher keeps being bossy with the bcreatures, but he listens to them and pays attention to what they want, something he didn't really do with abe
improvement, if you will, to me this shows how much he doesn't want to lose them
to me, topher is also able to connect with them because he sees them as special, or well different, not in a bad way, but to him they're the same kind of different as him, again, he feels understood, he feels that they're all together against the world, and he tries to keep the group together
he kicks out joan because she didn't respect them and was causing trouble even though joan is supposed to be his crush
then during cloney island, they all decide to just. die there. together, because they're finally accepted, not getting too much into this because this alone could be its own post, but when they decide to escape, it's just because they were convinced that escaping death would bring them closer (bond people, something like that)
sadly I don't have a screenshot rn, but just look at him, he was so happy to be having a bonding experience with his friends
so yeah, topher goes to not really caring about having friends, to them being an important and essential part of his life, and wanting to keep them together, friends are now one of the most important things for topher, he's able to open up to them because they just understand each other
bleehhh
i made a first draft for this post, but I was focusing too much on s2
and I actually have a post like this! but really old so consider this a re make
anyway anon I hope this post gets to you
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actively fighting a full blown panic attack born out of sadness and anger after having to drive by yet another victim on the side of the road
it makes me livid how accepted it is to just let cats suffer and die disgustingly horrid deaths and live awful short lives just so what, for what?? so you dont have to play with them for an hour a day??? when i was little it was just kinda normal that they disappeared at some point, i didnt understand what it actually meant until our outdoor cat i loved dearly was found in the bushes near our house in a condition so horrible my dad has never told me and i have never dared to ask, she only made it to 6 and had horrible scars and infections before that i allowed my family to convince me to let my first own cat outside, we only had her for a year, she died at only 2 years old, i am still suffering from the guilt, it has never let me go, she went missing for a week and i walked the entire vilage up and down every day, yelling her name, wandering into the forest alone, talking to every stranger i met until one morning my mom told me that our neighbour who works for the city asked if we had a white cat with a very specific collar she had- he found her on a busy road crossing in the next bigger city, i never even got to bury her, its haunting me, the thought of her wandering lost and scared in the city for a week until meeting an awful end gives me headaches, the fact that i was the last one to see her alive, that i put her outside bc we were late for school and had to leave quickly, that she had come home with oil in her fur from crawling through maschines and cars before, that i was worried but still didnt act, that it is my fault, any time i am up to late its coming back, it will never let me go, if i had stood my ground and not allow her outside unless on a leash or similar shed still be alive today, any time i read a description at our local shelter it comes back, they still advocate for outside cats, all of them, even if they have only been an indoor one before, its madness my older sister had a cat, i dont even know how old he got but it wasnt long either, he got hit by a car in front of their house, she has two now again and the only reason she hasnt let them outside is because they havent shown much interest in it, i tried to warn her before and she didnt listen and shes still resistent, even after losing one too
i have seen so many on the side of the road, anywhere i drive i see them, i cannot forget a single one, we are surrounded by farm land and all its giant maschinery, its still common to poison rodents, why do people value them so little, you wouldnt let your dog just live outside in the woods and streets for half the day or more, you wouldnt just throw your guniea pigs on the road and tell them have fun, you wouldnt just let your bird roam outside, there probably assholes that do that too but you cannot tell me its as common as outside cats
i dont understand it, i dont, i wont, i never will, i will never forgive myself this poor little animal that was my responsibility having to pay the price of my ignorance, or my own weakness letting my family convince me despite the awful way we lost one before, it makes me want to explode it hurts my brain in grief and anger i can barely contain
cats deserve to live a safe and long life, i get only having them inside may feel like you are locking them up, but do you think that not doing so is worth having them die a painful death? being poisonend? on purpose even by disgusting people that hate them? abused and chased by other animals and dogs? hurt and lost? cutting their lifespan in half? if they even make it that far? the amount of wildlife that they kill unnecessarily so when all of that is already in a steep decline everywhere? and if they eat what they hunt get infected with diseases or again, poison? die somewhere in agony? if cared for they dont care about going outside, plenty can be leash trained or given a secure way to roam like those cat proof aviary like things, if you dont want to put effort into caring for a cat DONT GET ONE, ALL pets require adequate care, and if you think cats are the easiest bc you only have to feed them every now and then IF they come home? you suck, you are an asshole, i hate you and you do not care about them, if you just want to occasionalyl feed and pet an animal go to the petting zoo
(this is about pet cats of people who can absolutely afford to keep them healthily inside, i know feral cats and those in poor neighbourhoods are a thing, even if not here where i live, and thats a whole other but still similar problem and not the point of this post)
#ganondoodles talks#personal#tw pet death#tw cat death#i hate everything so much and my day is ruined#sorry to come at you with this but its just#the grief and anger i feel for these poor things is more than their owners ever will feel im sure#just getting another one like its a consumable piece of candy#its so common here i hate it#why are people so insistent on it#the fact that the shelter here too advocates for outdoor cats in every cats description makes me twice as mad#do you actually care for them or do you hope they die quickly so people get one more frquently or what#i thought about writing them but i have had both of my cats from there and i am afraid they would not take it well#i dont know how to approach trying to make a change in this case#(my current cat is indoor only obviously and shes about 10 now- which is the oldest of any cats i have known has gotten)#this is germany specific btw ... if theres anyone that knows an organization trying to change this pls let me know
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Me, with the unpopular opinion that, in a wq lives au, where wq marries jc, novel canon wwx is not taking well the news about chengqing marriage
#Like post res wwx doesn't have nice thoughts about jc#I imagine him thinking: 'look jc hates me so much he has forced wq to marry him. Because it's a forced marriage. Why else would she have#Married jc??#Look at jc hating me so much he has ruined his and wq's life. Do you see him lz?'#And then idk. wwx is such a wild card#Maybe he would have forgotten the murder mister to investigate (apparently) forced chenqing marriage#While wq is already very done because jc is fretting over jl's first haunt. Their beloved daughters first day of school#Yes jc they have everything already. Lotus pier it's their sect... WHAT A-NING IS THERE? MY A-NING?#This au is probably wild#Who knows what wn feels there. Like Imo he doesn't like jc. Maybe even hates him. Uh#Someone should write something like that please
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idk sometimes seeing all the hate gege gets makes me sad. :( like I know alot of it is jokes/memes, but there are some people that are very serious and weird about it
#praying the extra volume content thats releasing in afew days doesnt make the fandom too crazy#like seeing ppl already getting ready to hate bc theres supposedly epilogue stuff w/ ozawa and theyre saying geges gonna ruin itafushi ????#pls dont let this become like what happened with the final volume of mha#gege get behind me-#when ppl get mad and say he doesnt know how to write his own characters :(#.....like have u ever considered that perhaps your interpretation of the character just doesnt match with canon#which is fine bc its all fiction and people can interpret however they want#but its so frustrating when they insult the actual creator for how they write the character#like ???? thats their own oc im pretty sure they know them better than you 💀#idk i think it has a lot to do with hcs that become almost universally accepted by the fandom people forget that they are hcs#ppl talking about gege like hes some irl villain playing 5dchess to make his readers suffer and everything he doee is of malicious intent#and then u go read an actual interview with him and its like: my pen name (gege akutami) basically means useless trash . i hate myself and#have self esteem issues so i have no idea why people actually like and support my lame ideas and cant believe it. thank u so much for all#the support it really means alot. ok now back to self deprecating#😭😭😭
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thinking abt the ggy easter eggs rn
#im so ready for whateber theyre cooking#this is like the only era rn where the sw games arent interesting me rn im so ready to want to engage again#plz focus on ggy vanny gregory vanessa cassie and not cassie dad mapbot dying absent father doing nothintnfor the story#and a game based totally off of books instead of the other way around#i really hope SW games dont become super tftp oriented#as in they make games based off of books instead of the other way around#that would suck majorly#a ggy game would be new content based off of game lore that does exist for ggy and not the book#like patient 46 and his canonical mysterious past#plus everything the tapes said he did#it could be so good#i really want to just see like. any progression of the story#outside of very basic ideas like 'vanny cassie' that are probably going to happen but are so bare bones#theres not much you can think about#insyead of useless plots like cassies dad. sorry but its true if hes the hw2 story he does nothing#nothing that cassie couldnt have also done if shes the protag#i know that sotm has to happen before they can progress so im being patient#but man#i hope we get more stuff like ruin that has good linear on screen storytelling and is more character oriented#everybody liked ruin but not everyone likes sotm#when hw2 came out i saw soo many opinions not just by me and the moots or something but just#fans on twitter diehard or casual#that hated how hw2s story was handled#people actually want storytelling now at sb and ruins scale instead of old school barely comprehensible frustrating lore#thats what sotm feels like its leaning into and im not excited#i hope its a one time thing since its a good chance to do that#a game that already takes place in the og fnaf days#before it even#of course its a good idea to put old school easter eggs and characters and story and stuff of the og days#i just miss my guys :(
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#vent#tw suicide#tw sh#kinda#i hate hate hate having bad days#for no reason nothing happened nothings wrong i just suck#i just want to ruin everything with everyone i know and then kill myself#i wish i could stab myself to death#i Should be studying and i want to watch voltron but i cant stop just wasting my time on my phone#i want to rip myself open and bleed to death violently#actually remembered to cut my nails this morning so i cant even do anythign. they dont even cut into my palm at this length.#and anything else is too much effort im a low-effort self harmer💀#ugh i would actually love to die lowkey kinda idk but i live by this one thing i read#‘if my depression wants be dead its gonna have to kill me itself’#im not doing noones dirtywork#me when healing isnt linear#i should be over all of these things i have been over all of these things why am i so bothered again#chronic cant move on-er#i wish i could disappear#i think i took a hit i cant come back from#like mentally/emotionally#well several hits#i wish someone liked me#like really liked me. the way i like people. more thsn they like anyone else#im not good enough on my own i meed somelne to hang onto#human parasite#something something everything ive ever let go of has claw marks on it#ive never not ruined something
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And here is the bull himself >:)
+ lore notes
I was like, ah I should make the shadow something interesting, and then I'm like GIVE HIM BULL HORNS???? OKAY SURE !!!!! I'm glad such thoughts can strike at 7 in the morning....thanks brain. But hehehe I'm glad bcs now this matches up super well with the Nando one!
New ship dynamic: who's the bull and who's the matador :)
I think, in this AU, Fernando is generally pretty fond of Seb when he first meets him. Like "ah yes my very own protégé, very nice, I shall mold him in my image." But then Seb starts veering off that course. Bullfighting is all about being dramatic, but Seb maybe has a bit too much(🤏) flair for the dramatic. This escalation starts while he's still Fernando's assistant but he keeps it generally at bay. But god when he becomes a matador himself, he's just off the rails insane.
Bullfighting, to me, is a sport about reckless endangerment of one's self in the pursuit of drama and performance(its literally described as a tragedy in three acts.) But Fernando thinks Seb endangers himself *too* much, not because he cares or anything, but he's making a mockery of the sport!! Especially when Seb starts doing that bull hand symbol(seen above), Fernando just keeps become more enraged with him, not anything to do with the fact that Seb is threatening his records and threatening his own wellbeing, nah of course not.
Seb's gesture is making a mockery of the sport, he's disrespecting the culture, the very nature of it, blah blah blah. Jenson once asks Fernando, after noticing him seething while watching Seb do his gesture, "Which bull are you really trying to defeat?" One could also describe Fernando and Seb's relationship as a "tragedy with three acts."
Anyways Fernando gets very tied up with this rivalry. Even after suffering a severe injury(I have yet to decide, but y'know mchonda electrocution core), he quickly returns to the sport, loath to let Seb get any more headway. And then Seb gets injured, poor little sweet Seb, and neither of them can handle it. Though I already covered this in my prev lore post 🤭 and I think I put it pretty viscerally there so!! I digress.
They're both matadors, but the bull itself is not the only bull Fernando wants to conquer. Conquer as in death? Hm.
#i love matador au all my homies love matador au#<- its a lot of fun for me to draw and easy to have ref for :) so its like my little comfort drawings#even tho i want to sob every time i write any of the lore down bcs it is so </3#ah i just like how visceral it is ig#f1 is a dangerous sport but bullfighting is just. such another level of maniacs 😭#ive talked abt this a lot w cofi lmao its just super interesting to me. just the whole mentality and display and culture of it#also just: trajes de luces go brrrrrrr#ah one day ill draw both of them in green suits 🤭🤭#i had a chibi art of this au i was working on bcs i didnt have mental energy for a full thing#or at least i THOUGHT so#ive had the refs for this since 2 wks and im like YOU WILL FINISH THIS bcs i rly liked the pose 😭#so then i just drew for like 5 hours straight. yknow as one does#and wrote this post at uh. 8 am. normal time for one to be drawing and writing. as one does.#WELL ANYWAYS PLEASE ENJOY MATADOR SEB#this au grips me the throat 😭 i rly enjoy it 😭#i have a lot of thoughts ab the au lore itself but also drawing these is very no thoughts head empty <3#also god side note. pink stockinks. i hated the idea of them at first. but now im like hehe hot pink time 🥰🥰#its crazy how it doesnt clash that much??? i thought it would ruin the outfit but ah they suit everything p well#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#catie.art.#matador au
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everyone talks about how people being mean to them about their appearance in middle school or high school — or whatever time in their young adult lives — negatively influences the way they act when they’re hit on or develop crushes is so real, except the person who was mean to me was my mother so i’m fighting so many beasts at once and i’m so scared girls
#misc.#i hate talking abt this bc like i’m so ashamed i could ever care this much abt it#but like it’s killing me. it’s been killing me for my whole life#i have never ever ever ever thought i was pretty for more than a day at a time#i think my worth as a person is tied to how i look. like in a deep ingrained way bc i KNOW that’s not the truth. i know it with everything#in me. but as a child i was not taught that#i was taught the version of me that could be loved was a perfect one and any straying from that would be the end#and i can’t even fathom that a person may like me. that’s sickening. that’s so terribly unkind to think abt myself#it’s ruining my life. i want to be so much more than this person#i don’t even want to be pretty i just want to not have think about it ever again. i want to not care#body tw#body image tw
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SVT coming to Europe for the first time ever in 9 years (not counting Gastonbury, cause that was sold out a year before they were announced, so carats didn't get a chance to go) and it's not even going to be ot13 should be a crime.. AND IT'S BECAUSE OF A SCHEDULE?!
#maja talks#i'm so upset for real#like i'm happy for jun and all but really?#you announced lollapalooza long ago and now suddenly he's got something else?#i'm not even going but got fuck you hybe i hate you so so so much#i will never not be angry about hybe ruining my chances to see svt live#like fuck you so much#(but maja covid was the reason for the 2020 cancelations yeah but hybe is the reason they never got rescheduled!!!)#i saw one of my mutuals from like 2015 make a post a couple of years ago about how she got to see svt as 13 four times in one year#and here i am as a european being shit on for 9 years straight#i hate it here so much and i'm so upset and i probably shouldn't be this upset but i am#fuck hybe and fuck bang shihyuk and fuck everyone that made that fuckass company so powerful#i hate it so much#i knew they were never going to take coming to europe seriously after joining that fuckass company#and yet i can't help but be so damn disappointed#it's been 9 years...#i remember where i was when the 2020 europe dates were announced#i was sitting in a train and i was so happy i was shaking so hard#i got a ticket with a great seat for the Berlin concert and i was so happy#i've never been so excited and happy#and then covid happened and everything got cancelled and they never even addressed it#they only ever said “we were sad the tour ended earlier than expected” in their yt documentary and that was the only mention of it#then the japan dome tour had to be pushed forward (not even really cancelled if i remember correctly) and they made wholeass apology videos#saying how sad they were and blah blah blah still no mention of europe at all#then like the day after europe got cancelled they uploaded a video of hoshi dancing with fans at one of the us stops#and it really just felt like they stepped on my heart and threw it in a trashcan lol#then they joined hybe and hybe got obsessed with dynamic pricing and ruined everything#ruined all chance of us seeing them as ot13#(maybe they'll finally acknowledge us for real when they get back from enlistment in maybe 6 years but who knows)#i for real shouldn't be this affected
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Some people just can't accept Gilkidu, huh....
#I had such a lovely day after being blessed by Gil and him being together with Enkidu but then someone decided to ruin it#thank you. thank you so much#I hate internet#sometimes I just wish to delete everything and just disappear#because you can't enjoy simple things anymore#and sure I can sound like a hypocrite since I also disagree with a lot of things and criticize them and it's okay to criticize#but I never come to people under their posts (unless they themselves wish to hear my opinion) and say xyz#just let me enjoy at least some things in my life#personal
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People really think trust issues are just "aww they're scared of love" and it's like bitch no. Trust issues as in I'm deeply in love and the issue is I'm waiting for you break my heart after undergoing periodic abuse in relationships. I'm not scared of love I'm scared of what you'll do with it.
#ahahahaha anyways. ranty time in the tags wheeee#paranoia has been terrible today. everyones mood is off. everyones acting different. everyones acting colder. they hate me im sure of it#and all this stuff i want to be happy i just know is gonna be ruined or left with tainted memories now and its my fault#but maybe its not because why the fuck cant you be consistent. why is it so touch and go#i support ppl through the worst parts of their lives and when i need the support nobody is there#i will literally take time off work to be with someone if theyre having a hard time but me? cant even afford more than three words#im sick of being told i love you and finding no proof outside empty words. i sure as hell dont feel fucking loved. everyone is lying#it's just like my ex. he smothered me in love to cover up the major lack of actually viable love#empty words make me sick to my stomach now. everyones a fucking liar and i dont get why the wont just tell me the truth!#if im such a burden then just fucking say it! if im horrible to be around tell me! how am i supposed to every grow if nobody tells me#i just wanna be loved and not unconditionally. i want to be loved by choice. i want someone to choose me despite everything#i want someone to love me to every little detail and hold my hand even when im at my lowest and just UNDERSTAND#i want someone to love me wholeheartedly and think about me as much i do them. i want the little gestures and the sweet things i do#but here i am. always the one carrying everything and putting in all the effort. when was the last time someone really liked me.#when was the last time i existed in someone elses head. when was the last time someone cared enough to check on me. to do something?#this savior mentality is gonna kill me but im only being straightforward when i say i cannot pull myself from this alone. i am so weak#and god im fucking tired#spent at least two hours straight sobbing while regressed because even as a kid i cant outrun this#and im just getting sicker. i cant sleep. cant eat. cant stay warm. feel like im slowly fading away#and nobody even cares. its so fucking selfish and childish but my whole life ive screamed for help and nobody has seen me#do i have to become another number in the statistics for you to care? or would you even care when i die?#because at this rate i dont even need to try. my heart hasn't slowed in three days. i think i really am dying#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized
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lazy scribbling of my baldur's gate 3 characters
#*emerges from 430 HOURS of life-changing playtime blearily like a lost and confused kitten*#i lost my interest in drawing bc everything is too sad & horrible right now. it was a luxury and privilege to lose myself in this instead#what follows will be my personal and trivial emotions about that#i'll do better proper drawings later. for me. they are both so very dear to me... deeply dear...unforgettable journeys of fate#truly have played like one possessed for the past few weeks. you have no idea. what do i do now. what do i do.#their personalities are so vivid to me though they mostly made the same choices. both intersex and they/them - canonically <3#i missed out on FOUR PARTY MEMBERS in my first playthrough due to not understanding anything whatsoever.#gloaming ended up with wyll and pavane romanced karlach and astarion. and ended up with the one i did NOT plan on. this wasnt the plan#one of the most fulfilling romance paths i've ever..i cant say more..it all got too immersive and now i have to just.. MOVE ON ??????????#live in THIS world where i can't gut imperialism personally and emerge alive from that?#without Long Resting? without my character requesting a kiss from their beloved after a tough day ??#without preparing my little spells? without channelling divinity from my death god to keep us all alive?#without dyeing my man's clothes fancy colours for him? without him Approving whenever i lie and double-cross our enemies#without sharing clothes with my ex? without choosing to eat the heavy food first so that the weight is easier on her Carrying Capacity?#without orchestrating ways for all of my friends to kill the abusers that ruined their lives for a decade or even 200 years?#without experiencing degrading horrors on a daily basis but in a cathartic way where we always make it back to our rooms at the inn#WITHOUT SPEAK WITH ANIMALS???????????#at least there's music. just like with persona 5 that will always be with me. always#like how p5 melodies take me back to those feelings. those rich and personal feelings.... BUT THIS WAS A WAY MORE NUTS EXPERIENCE#i thought i would hate it. i did at times. thought it would desensitise me to various things. it did. but there was so much more..it was...#Well anyway *continues my life* imagine if dnd was real..something to think about
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I kinda wanna make a sona of some sort maybe it'd help my horrendous self-esteem n make me feel cute Lol*BURIES HEAD INTO THE EARTH
#diary#it's really just appearance these days.#Which sucks cause it's the one thing I can#can't/won't compromise(?) on#cause really it's just my FACE that haunts me. Oh man I wish I didn't know what I look like#dull and ugly and unpleasant; hard to look at#IT RUINS EVERYTHINGGG#my body's not even an issue atp cuz everything I wear's baggy + I want top surgery for passing + comfort reasons only#I dress comfy n that's all I want; my hair's OK when God doesn't hate me#but my face.... Oh God I hate it so much
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#my sister keeps getting mad at me#and today it culminated with her basically listing all the ways I’m making her life shit#and the things she listed I know I’m a fuck up like not being able to drive#being stuck in a part time job not having many friends crying when in a confrontation#and not paying rent on time to her#but she was so mad and I was mad and crying#but she wasn’t saying it cause she cared she was like you are making my life bad and it’s unfair#I’m sorry it’s unfair I’m trying but I know it’s not enough#and I couldn’t articulate myself#actually I know she’s right that I’m not trying enough#l just got upset which ofc doesn’t help anything#and now I ruined her day#i can’t even move out cause then she’ll get mad at me for that too#I agree with her that I’m a fuck up and don’t have my shit together and it’s a terrible quality I have#of having trouble catching up on everything I just feel overwhelmed all the time#and thinking about the future makes me so depressed I feel like there’s no point to anything#and even when I try to do something I fuck it up and don’t do it right#I tried getting my driving license before but now it’s expired and I’m back at square one#and my job rn I don’t think they’ll ever give me a full time gig#I can’t even explain myself now it doesn’t make sense why I’m so fucked#and it’s so hard to make friends all my old friends have moved#and behind and shit at everything#and now I know I’m dragging everyone else with me#she was like the one person I’m closest to and could trust but now I know I’m just a burden to her#the thing is i know she's right about everything#I fucking hate myself so much#update: she apologized I think we’re ok now#but I’m just wondering if it is
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Love characterising nishikiyama as a booze hound drug hound meth addict high every day body mass 75% alcohol hands constantly shaking literally spacing out while driving fifty over the speed limit using elderly folk as speedbumps one hand on the wheel and one hand free to do more drugs and coming into work while functionally deaf and blind and he is still leagues more competent at his job than kiryu
#Yakuza loveblog#i dont talk about nishikiyama enough because im kazamapilled and hate him a little bit but im also kiryupilled and love him so much so you#see my problem? like i adore when nishiki is just. better in every way than kiryu and nobody ever sees that because theyre all too busy#sucking kiryus cock like okay nishiki had the rest of his life planned out when he was twenty and he was an extremely successful criminal#and getting himself noticed in many many circles then kiryu steps outside and gets into a street fight immediately and the entire tojo clan#surrounds him to throw cash at him like nishiki was actually doing so well for himself before his life was ruined. nothing is his fault#like i love just accepting that nishiki has one hell of a substance abuse problem and nobody cares enough about him to talk to him about it#and kiryu thinks its normal because hes the only one who can see that nishikis doing some great work out there so he must be doing#everything right. inconceivable that nishiki has any sort of ‘problem’ hes the real screwup and kiryu knows he makes life harder for himself#but he refuses to change because hes convinced that thats the only thing hes good at. like i believe that nishiki has a coke snorting#mechanic in game like harry db and without his coke buff he cant do as much damage like with it his output is on par with kiryus whos just#been blessed since birth by the violence gods. anyway kiryu is the only person in the world who thinks that nishiki is great do you get it#nishiki has lived his entire life in kiryus shadow and he doesnt care that kiryu has a natural charisma that he will never have. he has to#get out there every single day networking and socialising and hustling and nonstop landing interviews with cool magazines to get his name#out in the world while kazama takes kiryu out and drags him by the elbow to meet people like this is my son kiryu who has every disease and#everyone claps and cheers like i cannot stress enough how on top of the game nishiki is compared to kiryu. he has a car. kiryu doesnt even#have his own lighter. they are not on the same playing field and yet nishikis always trailing behind him because opportunity is always#knocking at kiryus doorstep whether he likes it or not and nishiki gets fed scraps and nothing else and hes the one with ambition he wants#the view on top and most importantly he wanted his brother there with him but nobody ... likes him ... nobody likes nishiki nobodys in his#corner he onky had kiryu and when he lost him it was quite literally him against the world. it always made me laugh how at the end of yk1#harukas paying her respects at nishikis grave when the only time he ever cared about her was because he wanted her little pendant and he#(actually fucked how alone nishiki was he didnt even have his own fucking men to rely on he was basically working alone with someone he knew#was using him like ??? he was fucking desperate) anyway i really love to think that kiryu being nishikis only friend and the last person in#the world who thought kindly of him (barring like ... kashiwagi) was grieving terribly over his death and haruka being a sensitive and#sweet little girl took the initiative to ask about nishiki and i think kiryu would tell her stories every night of the kind of stuff he and#nishikiyama would get up to when they were her age. he would tell her how amazing nishiki was and how he always looked out for him how he#took care of his sister and how he would always be the one to remind them of impending birthdays and the like. nishiki cared about the#little things .. and he made kiryu want to care about them too but theres just something different between them because nishikis always#been a better person than him .. and he would tell haruka in a voice that sounded like he was begging her to understand that nishiki wasnt a#bad person.. though he did bad things he was a good man and he still wishes with all his heart that he could have done more to save him ...
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