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#and i feel bad bc my therapist is literally Right There
nobodybetterlookatme · 6 months
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Me kinda wanting to look for a temporary second therapist vs me thinking my current therapist will be sad if I do that lmao
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bunnihearted · 2 months
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#no but i actually hate that i made this blog to vent freely bc i have no other place to talk abt anything or my feelings or thoughts#and im a very isolated person and a shut in and i dont have a job or go to school successfully and i dont know anyone#like blah blah. i have struggled and im drowning in them all. like why the fuck cant ppl just comprehend that we all have different views o#life and the world? like 'wallowing' is .. i have heavy anxiety which is completely untreated and it gives me real bad suicidal ideation#if me complaining on a blog that im btw not forcing anyone to read helps me to stay alive and get my pain out... why does that matter to#other ppl?????? like why does other ppl get so mad seeing someone they dont know vent??#also this goes for everyone but u can literally have no idea abt all of a person's life#esp on here where all u see is like my text posts where i vent abt how i FEEL. bc i want to. ??? i want to do that so i do#u dont know the context u dont know my experiences or what has happened in my life or context#u dont know what has transpired between me and other ppl i vent abt#like u know fuck all. u dont have the right to pass judgement onto a stranger that doesnt even know u exist#and even if i complain on here bc i dont have a real life but i want to#u have no idea what im doing with the rest of my time???? im making lists im trying to look up info abt school and programs#im trying to read abt my mental health issues and im doing mindfulness and im going to the gym#i am trying!!! and u dont have any idea what i do or how i try and u dont have any right to judge me bc all u see is one part that is me#complaining bc this is what i use this blog for. genuinely i do not get why this is even a big deal or why anyone would follow or read smth#makes them irritated???????#idk.. i dont wanna disable anons and stuff (bc funnily enough no one ever says this stuff with their url 🤨) bc i dont wanna miss out on the#stuff but it is infuriating that i have nowhere to go no friends no therapist etc etc to talk#and this is all i have bc i want to vent !!!!!!! and then i have to be like ok now other ppl i dont even know#and who dont actually give a fuck abt me are gonna judge me and tell me im living incorrectly#and ive never gotten more such things than now? why do y'all hate that i vent abt losing out on my 1st love#and feeling heartbroken?????? what the fuck? that has nothing to do with anyone else but me? like genuinely wtf#i just wanna vent bc i feel like im drowning but now i feel like i cant bc ppl just judge and like ugh
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pup-pee · 4 months
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y does it feel so SO wrong 2 share ur opinion???
#oh u solved the problem#urself!#like its not even about bing right or wrong its just about literally communicating & i think im doing it BAD#IM NOT AFRAID OF BING “H8ED” ON I JUST#i think i just dont like having the chance of making ppl feel bad?#or soemthing aloong those lines?#theres a line a vry easy line 2 cross#like expressing a comic book opinion right? bc its super easy 2 sway a bunch of ppl#but if ur saying smth u dont like it while some1 does it has the possibility of making that person feel bad#& I H8 THAT...idk y it makes me feel like shit????? @ the possibility???#this feels like smth i should bring up w/a therapist LMAOOOOOOO#but like same thing when i was in class right? giving a presentation i got RLLY SCARED 2 do it bc i was giving an opinion or a fact BUT I#COULD B WRONG ON THE FACT!! which is y i just never did them bc i would cry lol but its just#it kinda feels the same way#its weird bc im fine w/getting shit wrong. its only when i share an opinion when i feel stupid??????? ok not stupid just mean? i think? yea#this is possibly the reason y i get nervous sharing hcs or aus. bc it wont b “canon accurate” & then will like fuck up some1s perception id#its not like any1 reads this lashfkj i just hmmmmmmm theres defiantly smth i should b discovering here i just am not...#i want 2 share my opinion bc its a fucking opinion theres nothing wrong w/it bc its not a fact EXCEPT in the way its a fact of how i FEEL o#THINK?? like its just its strange. i think this has a lot 2 do w/me never bing listened 2 as a child LOL uhhhhhhhh hmmmmmm yeah prolly akj#I FIGURED IT OUT I GOT IT ALLLLLL UNLOCKED#god i hhhhhhhhhhh some1 make a clone of me so i can talk 2 me like a therapist or smth#this is y i cant do therapy actualyl its bc i just keep yapping then by the time im done the therapist always went tyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy#srry ramblings
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s-ccaam-era-crepe · 1 month
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am i aware getting new things is okay and fine? yes. do i want to do it? no and im going to have several meltdowns about it instead.
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feeling-kinda-sad-ngl · 8 months
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im so sick of gorging myself i literally feel sick im gonna throw up
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years
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#weird day. really weird day#i couldnt sleep v well bc my brain was fucked up and i was prob dehydrated so im like extremely out of focus#i did go to the health and wellness center and am now back in therapy which is why my day was so fucking wild. like im too tired so im not#opperating correctly but it was real weird. like last time i got assessed by someone who basically sorted me to a therapist according to my#problems. this time i just kinda stumbled into a 1st session with someone and i dont kno how to feel abt how it went. it was odd#like we didnt go thru like an entire thing of like what r all ur problems? it was more i started talking abt things and he got stuck on#some specific things i said and we talked abt that. which im of 2 minds abt bc he did instantly latch onto the root of some of my issues#which is that i feel fucking dumb all the time bc my brain works a little different but it also wasnt helpful bc like theres a stereotypic#verson of my experience and then theres what i actually went thru and those things dont align in the way he was talking abt it. like i#think were were just talking past eachother a bit. like he wasn't exactly wrong but i do feel a bit like i walked in with an open wound and#and he decided the best course of action was to pat me on the head and tell me im v smart so i walked out still bleeding. but i dont think#its was all bad bc it got under my skin so much. i react like a cat thrown in a bath if u try to call me smart. like fuck off. yes ok im#smart. i have a certified document saying that i have above average intelligence. big fucking whoop. im too fucking dyslexic to do anything#right and my brain is constantly trying to strangle me to death. he called me a gifted kid. fuck u i was too fucking dyslexic to b a gifted#kid. stop talking abt the positive aspects of the compulsive way i live my life when its literally strangling me to death and i want it to#stop. acknowledge my pain old man. also i hate thst therapists hate the word weird. its not a bad word i like that word. i disagree#fundamental with the assertion that its bad. also he pointed out that i talk like a freak. like a person with high intelligence. fuck u i#like words. i will peel my own skin off if u call me smart one more time. lol i was so mad. i argued with him like the whole time. also he#mentioned horoscopes which was weird but whatever. we'll see how the next one goes. i told him to his face i i didnt kno if what we talked#abt was helpful. possibly the rudest ive ever been to a stranger lol. well see how the next session goes. at least it was interesting#god. im fucking so tired and wrung out.#unrelated
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urdtarah · 3 months
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It's late so I'm screaming into the void AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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voulezloux · 4 months
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#proceed at your own risk i’m back again w/ more shit#had to text my therapist today bc i had like#come to the realization that i was craving the pain that i got when i used to sh#i’m not an active harm to myself i wouldn’t do it again and im not suicidal#but i just had this intense need to have the same pain i got when i sh’d#& scared my mom <3 & she told me to text my therapist <3#she told me to journal and idk how to fucking do that#so i have trauma workbooks coming in tomorrow as well as a copy of wreck this journal#i figured wrecking the journal would be the closest i can get to sh without actually doing it#idk my life fucking sucks rn and i want things to be fucking done i want to be future me not going through this#i feel like i’m being too dependent on bean for comfort and like that’s fucking dumb#i feel bad for just not being okay even tho i know it’s okay to not be okay especially rb#i also just knwo#that my dad is waiting for me to come back to him#hat in hand and tail between my legs to apologize for being mean to him :-(#bc obviously i’m the one who did everything wrong!#i hate being the 7 year old hiding in the pantry#i’ve been hiding in the pantry my whole life to make my dad comfortable#it also hurts to read back on the screenshots and see that my dad just doesn’t give a fuck about me#like i’m not purposely doing it but i have to remember detials when i talk about it to my mom#and it’s just a big ol reminder that my dad didn’t refute any part of my texts#that said i never felt like i was important to him or that i was an afterthought or i wasn’t a priority to him#like he cherry picked things he responded to#he focused on me calling my sister the favorite child and the park i chose instead of like#literally anything else#he apologized for making me feel like an afterthought but never told me that i wasn’t one to him which ig is nitpicky#but he never once in any of the messages tries to comfort me or reassure me that what i was saying wasn’t true#plus he threw in my face that HES been through trauma and he was just SHARING his childhood with his KIDS#like thanks dad! say it with your whole chest you don’t give a fuck about what you did to me! or the affect it’s had on me#he ‘didn’t want to trigger me’ but dude you fucking made things right with your EX WIFE and not your fucking SON
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yelloworangesoda · 5 months
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maxwell and sammy are all mine and i love them like my children but its pretty hard to divorce them from fnaf enough to make them straight up ocs. sammy especially bc hes technically not my oc, even if i made up every aspect about him except his name and dead twin sister
#my point being i keep seeing oc post and going ‘omg me about sammy’ but sammy isnt an oc. technically#i literally wont even change his name if i do ever just make him all mine. i love him sammy is my bff forevers.#sammy smiles real wide and has sharp canines. he cant stand silence and talks to himself CONSTANTLY and its worse around other people#he interrupts people a lot by accident. and is really bad about holding friendships and doesnt reach out to people. after he took max in it#was impossible to shut him up bc someone was actually there now. he has serious trust issues and thinks ppl dont like him bc he thinks#everyone to have some big secret theyre all collectively keeping from him to keep him ‘’safe’’ which stems from. his mom doing this to him#about his sister and dad she just straight up refused to tell him until he found out on his own. so for 11 years he knew that. they for sure#you cant just split up your family in half in a divorce. something seems incredibly wrong about that but he didnt know what actually#happened there. also they were young when she died but he still felt like a part of him went missing and without the knowledge she died he#assumed. hed see her again and fill that hole. and of course that wasnt true. so anyway he struggles to make and keep friends#hes had like 8 different partners who lasted more than a month (most of them didnt want to deal with max) and he cant keep any of them bc a#a lot of people meet this cute charming guy with a lot to say and realize hes literally like this all the time and it stops being cute and#starts being annoying. he wanted to have kids bc he really likes kids but nobody wants him unfortunately and also he had. max for 8 years#and max is for sure his kid (from his perspective max is weird about it bc max thinks of his dad. as his Parent and sammy as more of#brother) but like max was not really what he was thinking when he thought he wanted kids right. and he feels bad about thinking that but#he does. think that. he wants a kid of his own. sammy is a therapist for kids with trauma specifically so that also impacts his ability to#have a kid. he worries that. bc of his personal experience of what Can happen that he may in turn be a helicopter parent or way#overprotective. yknow. he#ive got to go to bed omg. i got enough thoughts down!!!!#simons spouting#a lot of this is just awfully written but you cant read back or edit tags on mobile. not my fault
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helleanorlance · 6 months
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Like if you’re wondering where I’m at mentally, my cat threw up on my bed, and obviously I’m not going to sleep on hairball sheets, but I also don’t have it in me to change my sheets right now. So at first I was just sleeping on the couch. But then I really missed cuddling with Humphrey (who won’t sleep on the couch with me). So I pushed my sheets over to the side, put down a twin-size top sheet, and that’s how I’m sleeping. And it’s gross! And I’m fully aware that it’s gross. And that’s how I’m living.
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ptsd-tiger · 1 year
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If you actually believe your anxiety is correct all the time then you need to get better friends and a better therapist. You can’t read people’s minds — you’re not being intuitive you’re just being self absorbed. Also don’t project your unhealthy mindset onto other people.
"a better therapist" "you’re not being intuitive you’re just being self absorbed" "don’t project your unhealthy mindset onto other people." hey so what do you think would happen if i hit you in the head with a cinderblock, better answer quickly!
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catiuskaa · 7 months
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new task: valentine’s day.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
PAIRING! seungmin x reader ; enemies/rivals2lovers!
SUMMARY: boring classes, boring classmates, boring assignments…to seungmin, everyone is boring even if he’s used to pretend otherwise, but you seem to get on his nerves. you, your stupid poem, and his stupid letter.
WC: 10.6k (OH MY FUCKING GOD)
CW: it’s like fluffy comfort because I say so, kim seungmin supremacy (YES), use of spanglish (just on the text messages bc yes, it’s not relevant to the plot, dw), use of text format for plot convenience (and a whole bunch of emojis and colors), the reader is stupidly short (which i know all about), use of cliché valentine and enemies2lovers tropes (BECAUSE THEY ARE FUN AND THEY WORK), academic rivals (we love to see it), bad student reader x good student seungmin (like bad/mean girl x good boy ish), mentions of the unability to deal with complicated feelings, mentions of masking feelings, slight hint of bullying?, mentions of being followed, use of (pet)names because I don’t like using ‘y/n’: little one, shortie, shortcake, smallable, pretty, (yes i’m just petty like that, sue me), hyunjin as a walking therapist, and the ending is almost a reference to a show i'm obsessed with (not gonna say it so i don't spoil it for you guys hehehe)
SPECIAL THANKS! To my lovely pookies @lyramundana and @tonks-21 for ideas and support, plus also, most of the classmate’s names are thanks to gorgeous gourgeous @stayconnecteed and her spanishverse series bc i’m so invested! Go check all of their blogs out! 100% recommend. son mis chicas españolitas, hehe<3
A/N: alone on valentine’s day? same for me, pookie! but dontchu worry, mister kim seungmin is here to help us out<3 (and if not, we can always help each other😚🫶)
[☆★🌷★☆]
{PROLOGUE: THE GROUPCHAT}
At first, you didn’t really know him.
To think for a second that there was a time where you didn’t know who he was made you sigh. Oh, how you wish you had never, ever encountered him.
…Kim Seungmin.
Some may say that ‘rivals’ or ‘enemies’ is a term that could seem too intense regarding a simple statement: that you two didn’t get along.
But no. Because those kind of words were exactly how you’d define your relationship.
And it had all started the first day of your last year before graduating. When you made the class groupchat.
> you created ‘Year 13-A 😼😼’
> you added ‘lucas🤺’ ‘atenea🛐’ ‘noa🫶’ and 16 more.
> you: guys help, am I missing people?
> you: @ atenea🛐 told me to create this group for homework n stuff but idk if I have everyone’s numbers 😵‍💫😵‍💫
< noa🫶: tía you’re missing two people no?
< lara💋: hala, new people?? 👀
< noa🫶: pero- they’re literally from the other group, girl
< abril🌻: you even know them lara
< abril🌻: se te va la pinza JAJSJA
< miguel📚: sí, there should be 22 people (creo)
> you: oh right, Lix told me!
> you: yeah i’ll add them now, brb 🏃‍♀️
Well.
Rookie mistake.
> you added ‘kim seungmin™️’, ‘hyunjin🎨’
> you: omg i even added everyone
< lucas🤺: omg omg
< kim seungmin™️: omg omg so crazyy
You rolled your eyes, smiling slightly as you texted. But that was just because you hadn’t talked to him before.
Now was a different story, of course. You wouldn’t smile, not for Kim Seungmin.
> you: @ kim seungmin™️ what was crazy is how difficult it was finding someone who had your phone number, lol
< han(gry)🐿️🎙️: fr fr omg
< lucas🤺: que es omg
< lucas🤺: ‘oh me gustas’ ? omg?
< lara💋: you’re such an idiot, asshole
< lucas🤺: ohhh you love me so bad 😌😌😌
< isabel🌸: she knows better lol
< lucas🤺: dude, you’re my sister
< lucas🤺: shouldn’t you be backing me?
< isabel🌸: there’s a fee for that, dude.
You giggled at the stupid teasing, used to your mates’ shenanigans that never ceased to make you laugh.
But then, he replied.
< kim seungmin™️: @ you the only difficult thing here is you reaching graduation
Your smile faded.
You read that once more. Then again. And another time.
You chuckled dryly.
What was this guy on about?
> you: ah? wdym?
You remember thinking that maybe he was joking. That maybe he was someone who talked to people with a lot of harsh remarks without really meaning them. That maybe he was trying to be funny, or something.
Other texts showed up, but Kim Seungmin —named like so in the contact Felix had shared to you— wasn’t replying.
< minho🐈: guys wtf it’s 00:12
< lucas🤺: oh he uses the other clock
< lucas🤺: so its am-pm for us but not for you
< lucas🤺: think you’re special? wanna fight?
< noa🫶: lucas just shut up and go to bed
< han(gry)🐿️🎙️: damn right 🛌🛌🛌
< miguel📚: guys, stop texting 😓
> you: yeah guys lol
< minho🐈: no u started this
< minho🐈: u shush
You snickered softly, used to Minho’s humour, quickly playing along.
> you: ?! unfair ☝️🤓
< kim seungmin™️: no, minho’s right for once
< kim seungmin™️: you should shush
< kim seungmin™️: you’re less annoying when you’re quiet
You frowned at your phone, your face contorted in angry confussion.
Who did this guys think he was?
With a huff, you typed a rapid “gtg guys!”, ignoring Seungmin’s texts, and quickly settled your phone back on your pocket, getting off the bus and finally arriving home.
You groaned, the text that that Seungmin idiot had sent still rolling in your head even after you laid in bed. You passed your hands through your hair.
“Difficult to reach graduation?” You mumbled, eyes fixated ln the chatroom the sentence feeling like acid in your mouth.
Kim Seungmin wasn’t ready for how difficult his last year was going to be, solely for his stupid text message.
[☆★🌷★☆]
{ACT 1: NOT A LOVEFOOL… YET}
To be in the same class group than him was slightly tolerable.
Is what you’d like to say if you were in a good mood. But it wasn’t the case.
You were mad. As fuck.
“I just need you to give it a chance,” Miss Fernández stated once more, and you had to hold back to not roll your eyes at her.
“But Miss. I know that this subject is difficult and that he could, uh, help me out with the project,” you muttered reluctantly, because on normal circumstances, you wouldn’t go as far as to let Kim Seungmin help you with chemistry. Not ever.
You weren’t in need of help that desperatly.
And that was a fact, not a matter of ifs, buts, or maybes. That was an absolute. Something that lovely-yet-not-so-much teacher Lucía Fernández, spanish accent and all, was not getting.
“Listen. We both know that your grade is the best I can offer considering your behaviour in my class, despite of your average knowledge of the subject. And in this case, I am offering to set that aside if you work on these following assignments with your classmate Seungmin.”
Her harsh tone was also an absolute, and that made you clench your jaw. You blamed Lucas for her attitude towards you —after all, that one accident with a Bunsen Burner had been mostly his fault—, but you breathed in, trying to offer your most pity-inducing grin.
Judging by her glare, it wasn’t working.
“Miss, I—”
“I’m sorry.” She didn’t look like she was. “It’s my last word. And I think that after coming three days to my office on each of your free periods, this is getting a bit tiring.” She sighed, adjusting her glasses by a soft push of her finger.
Nope. She definetely wasn’t sorry.
Witholding a groan you left her office, and huffed as the door closed behind you, swiftly heading to meet your group of friends when they got out of their Biology lesson in other building within the school grounds.
It was a chilly evening, maybe not too much from what one could expect for the first week of February, still one that made you hide your face in your scarf and you hands in your jacket pockets.
You settled your headphones where they belonged, humming to the music to hold back the need to rant and rave against your chemistry teacher, when your phone dinged.
< henry li🫧: everything ok? saw you in lucifer’s office rn
< henry li🫧: did you do smth again? you cheekyyy 🙊
You gingerly laughed, and started typing out your answer, when, out of nowhere, you bumped against someone, making all of the books that they were carrying fall down of their grasp.
You pursed your lips, then pressed them in a thin line. Staring at their— his back, you saw that his backpack was almost empty. Why the fuck would he carry all of his books on his hands then?
The guy had quickly bent down to get his books back, and you followed too, taking your headphones off and quickly trying to prevent the papers from getting wet because of the floor, that was damp from the rain before, when your hands softly brushed against each other, still, you forced yourself to ignore it.
“I’m so…” the word dissapeared in your mouth.
“It’s ok, don’t… oh.” He blinked, his face showing nothing. For fuck’s sake.
Why did it always have to be him?
He swiftly took all of the things from you, as if your touch could be worse than the wet floor. You frowned, feeling a cold shiver trail up your spine, and you crossed your arms in front of you, struggling to seek some warmth.
“Watch it, little one.” He mocked with a light smirk. “I might accidentally step on you one day.”
You looked at him through your eyelashes. What. An. Idiot. You passed a hand through your hair, chuckling dryly.
“I-,” you sighed, shaking your head sideways. “Nah, you know what? I don’t have time for this crap.” You smiled at him widely, full of sarcasm.
But just when you were about to leave, you felt a tug at your sleeve, the fabric of your shirt not thick enough to hide the warmth of Seungmin’s grasp on your forearm. You frowned, confused at the lack of any uncomfortable feelings because of it. There was none, but rather a need to cover yourself with it and wear it like a jacket.
“Did you fix it?”
You blinked, trying to get your brain to focus on his words.
“Huh?”
He rolled his eyes, but his hand didn’t move an inch. “You said you were going to talk to Miss Fernández so we wouldn’t be partners, which is, well, so mature, congratulations,” he tsked, but then continued. “But did it work?”
You licked your lips and swallowed, your throat feeling dry. What was going on? You needed to focus.
In a harsh motion, you moved your arm away from his grasp. You forced yourself to ignore how your skin missed it.
“I… no. She settled. You- I mean… we…” the word felt awkward when it rolled off your tongue.
We? There was no such thing in between Seungmin and you. No we, no us, no nothing. And it was like that for a reason. One that you had almost forgotten with how softly his slender and warm hand had been holding your forearm. Ugh.
As you struggled to say those infamous words, your phone dinged again, and you mumbled a short “oh, wait,” and unlocked it.
< henry li🫧: leaving me on read, shortcake?
Seungmin stared at your phone, shoving his hands on his pockets when he saw you smile at the bright screen. He bit his lower lip. He hadn't taken all of his stuff out of his backpack just for this.
“So,” he licked his lips, and it almost shocked you the sudden roughness on his tone and demeanour. “Chemistry is easy. We can meet up on Friday in the public library. An hour or two should be enough, even for someone with a fun-sized brain like yours.” He chuckled meanly, the motherfucker.
Ever since that stupid text from him, you had made it your mission to surpass him, or at least reach his level, and to be honest, you were even succeding in some cases, like philosophy, art history, spanish, technical drawing and business studies. But Chemistry?
Chemistry would always kick you in the ass.
Before you were able to come up with a comeback for his stupid snicker, the bell rang, and you felt an arm laying its weight on your shoulders.
“Smallable!” Lucas laughed, then realized that you were talking to a certain someone and ful Ty ly gasped. “Oh my god. Are you two finally dating and I interrupted— AH!” He was interrupted by your elbow hitting his side. Noa and Atenea chuckled behind him.
“No. Seungmin was just leaving.” You huffed with a frown, but then you smiled, almost excessively, like a small maniac. “Right?”
But before he was able to reply or mock you, Atenea spoke, ruining your chances of kicking him away.
“But we all have English now,” she said, and if it had been someone else, like Lucas, you would’ve stepped on his shoe or something. “We’re going to the same place, we can go together.”
Seungmin felt you stare intensively at him. He smiled at Atenea, finding that he enjoyed having you look at him, reason why he loved annoying the shit out of you.
“Sure!” He smiled politely, almost sheepishly, and you bit your lip to hold back the need to scoff at his 'obviously fake' kindness.
Because except for you, the rest of your class —heck, probably the rest of the school— were smitten with Kim Seungmin.
Top of the class, funny, kind, and cutely introverted Kim Seungmin was just a dorky student who tried to get along with everyone.
But that was wrong. And you may not have any proof aside from his mean attitude towards you and only you, but you knew it.
Seungmin had to be more than just a pretty boy with high grades, and it was only with you that he proved you right.
You stayed next to Lucas, hoping that Seungmin would at least stay with your friends and ignore you.
But to your horror, he smiled at you, a pink dust on his cheeks. “If you don’t mind?”
Oh, son of a bitch.
“No… it’s whatever.” You huffed.
Because against his dorky self, to the rest of your class —heck, to the rest of the school— you were the quote on quote “bad student.”
Troublesome, mean, class clown? Check. You laughed at teachers in class with Lucas far more than what could be ignored, the dresscode had always been more of a guide in what to wear, unlike what most students usually followed, and you may have been expelled a bunch of times.
Even if you were somewhat kind to the people in school, and even if they all knew your rivalry with Seungmin, God forbid you were mean to him.
You wouldn’t see the end of it.
And he knew it.
Bitch.
So there you were, walking to English class with your friends plus innocent Seungmin —who no one had called, not even the ghostbusters—, who was snickering and giggling with Atenea about who-gives-a-shit. Something class-related. You couldn’t be bothered to listen.
Lucas chuckled next to you.
“Careful, Spongebob.” He laughed. “Some could say you seem jealous.”
…WHAT?!
“Of… of Kim Seungmin?” You snorted. “Are you on drugs?”
He ruffled your hair. “Sure, sure, keep lying to yourself, shortie.”
Finally, you arrived to class, but before you stepped inside, Seungmin stopped you, whispering in your ear.
“Yeah, shortie.” He teased, his lips almost grazing the shell of your ear. “Don’t be too jealous. We wouldn’t want everyone to know you love me.”
His whisper would’ve been almost enticing if it weren’t for the fact that it was Kim Seungmin the man in question, and he snickered, pushing his glasses back.
But then someone cleared his throat behind you two.
“Care to sit down? I don’t have all day.” Mister Holmes grunted, carrying a monster drink and a coffe at the same time.
That mas was slightly terryifing.
You squinted at Seungmin and then walked to your place at the back of the class, hoping that your cheeks felt warm because of how the teacher had startled you and definetely not your classmate’s honey-like voice.
“Pssst. Heeey,” Noa smiled teasingly, whispering with a smirk. “Pssst. You’re blushing…!”
“Shut up!” You frowned at her, but you were unable to hold back a smile. But it was because of your friend Noa. Not Kim Seungmin.
Mr Holmes cleared his throat, and finished off his monster, throwing it to the bin.
“So. I’ve been hearing from some students in the hallways that you’re all excited for saint valentines’ day.” He stated in a strong voice, one that filled the class with little to no effort. “And sadly so, I was thinking of putting an exam that Wednesday…” he faked a sigh, and you had to hold back a laugh, contrary to the frowns and groans that appeared in your classmates faces. Pfft, what a character. “Unless… you guys want to do something in true valentines fashion.”
Mr Holmes crossed his arms, laying back on his chair, his stare cold and face lacking any kind of emotions.
“Say… any ideas, Mr… Kim?”
Seungmin sat up straight at his name being mentioned, and you rolled your eyes, holding back a mocking smirk.
“I ugh… I wouldn’t want to bother my classmates with a lot of work, sir… but maybe… maybe a writing assingment related to the topic would be… enough?” Seungmin stated, his tone soft and shy, and there was even a blush that trailed up from his neck, but he stayed staight and firm as he spoke.
“A valentine-themed task.” Mr Holmes enunciated as he pondered. “It’s a… decent idea. Any complaints?”
You felt some of your classmates’ eyes on you, and you sighed, crossing your arms in front of you, remaining silent. As long as it wasn’t an exam, you’d accept whatever.
“With that settled, I’ll upload the task online this afternoon, but it’ll have to be written by hand. Be sure to hand in a picture of your assignment on time, or your final grade will be affected.” The teacher turned on his laptop, and started taking assistance.
[☆★🌷★☆]
Time had passed dreadfully slowly, until the bell rang and Mr Holmes dissmissed all of you so everyone could leave for the day.
“A valentine-themed task.” You huffed in annoyance as you stuffed your locker with books you weren’t going to take home.
“I thought it was original.” A voice snickered lowly behind you, and you slapped your locker close, smiling at him.
“Well, Henry. It’s no surprise your taste sucks.”
You chuckled when he rolled his eyes.
“I was waiting for your reply,” he mentioned with a soft tone.
You closed your locker, and you two started walking together. “Oh, sorry, I totally forgot,” you apologized with a smile, but he brushed it off. “Yeah, I was with Lucifer earlier. She’s making me work with Seungmin for this term’s assignments.”
Henry frowned. “And we hate that guy… right…” you chuckled.
“Exactly. We don’t like him.”
“So then, don’t do it. You were going to meet him to study, right?” You nodded, smirking slightly at him.
“We agreeded to meet on Friday to start, in the library.” You added, watching his smirk widen. “What are you thinking?”
He stopped walking, smiling at you. “There’s this club that opened recently. Been wanting to go have a look. Apparently, it’s like exclusive and shit. And it’s Friday.” His light-coloured eyes shined as he looked at you. “Meet me there?”
You grinned cheekily.
“Sure. Can’t wait.”
[☆★🌷★☆]
You hadn’t noticed Seungmin on the school bus until this year.
Because he had made himself noticeable, sitting at the back of the bus, a couple seats away from you, but oh, dorky Seungmin was always friend of everyone, sheepishly starting conversation with any kinds of people in the bus, no matter the year they were in.
Before his text, you had even thought he was cute as he gingerly chatted with a group of kids who were probably starting high school.
“Is it too difficult?” A little girl asked.
And it surprised you how he turned to her and smiled, almost tugging at your heart strings, eyes like crescent moons.
“It’s only difficult if you stop trying. And we don’t give up, right?” He stated cheerfuly, and all the kids shined at his sheepish and bashful brightness, high-fiving the girl that talked to him.
You forced yourself to shove those memories to the back of your mind. That Seungmin wasn’t real. And you didn’t like him. The real him. Right?
“Oi, Kim Seungmin.” You called, as it was only you two left on the bus.
He was surprised at your call, but only side-eyed at you, lazily raising his brows, signalling that he was listening. You frowned.
See? You thought to yourself. He’s mean. He isn’t sweet, nor cute. Focus.
“What kind of lame ass idea was that?” You huffed with a mean smile. “A valentine-themed assignment.” You snorted.
His bus stop was close, so he ignored you as he picked up his coat and backpack, but you kept on talking. “You know? Hallmark office called, they want their boring clichés back,” you mocked, laughing.
Backpack on and coat hanging on his arm, he stared at you, and waited for a red light to walk to your seat.
He settled next to you, still staring at you as you chimed mean remarks about his originality and such and such.
“Anything else to mumble? I couldn’t hear you from down there.” He snorted meanly, and you were too focused on annoying him that you didn’t notice his stare at your lips as he licked his own.
You rolled your eyes. “You’re such a lame guy. He gave you the chance to choose, and you chose that piece of—?!”
His lips tasted as sweet as his voice that day with those little kids.
You felt his hand slowly creep up and cradle your face, his eyes closed as he kissed you, and slowly, your eyes closed too.
It was sweet. So sweet. But what was it? It was a flavour that you knew. Its sweetness was so familiar, but you couldn’t seem to figure out what was it.
You kissed him back, and he let out a surprised whine as you sighed, your hands, which had been frozen on his shoulders, waiting for your order to push him away, slowly followed up and remained on his face, your thumbs almost stroking his cheeks.
You wanted needed to know what he tasted like.
But it was when your hands went into his hair that he sighed too, melting under your touch, that your brain clicked.
what were you doing?
WHAT WERE YOU DOING?!
You pushed him away, and your breath hitched.
He didn’t look like fake Seungmin.
In front of you was not the innocent boy who had straight A’s and was shy enough to not be able to say no to a lot of things, who sheepishly spoke up in class, or who treated everyone with a bashful kindness that was so endearing.
This Seungmin was different. His glasses had a bit of a fog in them, his hair was all messed up, and his lips were plush, pink from your tinted gloss and slightly swollen from your kiss.
This Seungmin was a wreck, all flustered and kissable, and he looked like a mess.
But it felt real.
And for a second, you wanted to kiss him again, yearning to figure what that kiss tasted like, the word for it almost in the tip of your tongue.
He panted, struggling to catch his breath.
“Finally,” he huffed with a smile, but his dark eyes didn’t match the mocking in his tone. A small part of your mind thought that they looked prettier than any light eyes you had ever seen. “So you were able to shut up, after all.” He gulped, still panting.
He moved away from you slowly, as you remained there, frozen, like a piece of art in front of him, cheeks blushed, lips flushed and parted as your eyes stared at him, an emotion much different from this evening.
He found himself enjoying this one even more.
“Eh… T-this is my bus stop.” He muttered when the bus stopped. Maybe it wasn’t, but he didn’t care. He felt like he would have the energy to run home if needed. “I-I’ll… see you tomorrow.”
You blinked as he stood up and walked away.
What…
What had just happened?
[☆★🌷★☆]
{ACT 2: UNDER THE STREETLIGHT}
After avoiding Seungmin like the plague all Thursday, only looking at his back when you zoned off in class, Friday arrived earlier than expected.
You hadn’t been able to concentrate at all, the thought of his sweet taste lingering in your mouth, almost letting you feel the ghost of his lips pressed against yours.
“Hello? Earth to… oh, you’re awake, Jesus.” Abril looked at you with a smile, but she was unable to hide her worried look.
“Of course I am,” you mumbled, shaking your head sideways. “What’s going on?”
“You haven’t even touched your delicious and totally-not-overcooked pasta.” Lara mentioned the cafeteria lunch as she poked it whith her fork, full of humour. “It leads to believe that you’re dealing with something far more interesting that the technical drawing homework, that’s for sure.”
You bit your lip, hesitating.
“Is it because Henry Li has been ignoring you?” Noa mentioned softly.
You blinked, puzzled. “Huh?”
He’d been ignoring you? Now that she had mentioned, maybe that could’ve happened. Maybe you would’ve realized if you hadn’t been so focused on Seungmin and whatever-happened-that-cannot-and-should-not-be-remembered-every-five-minutes…
…or maybe you should look for an easier name for it.
“Uh, no, he invited me to this new place today, actually,” you brushed your hair with your hand mindlessly. “But I’m fine. Really. Just tired.” You smiled at the girls, and joined in at their conversation.
After lunch, you separated from Lara and Noa, who had literature, and Abril, who had been hanging out with a guy called Jeongin from her photography club recently, and so you headed to the study room.
It was a quiet place, quieter that what you had initially expected for a high school study room. Matter of fact, you thought it was a pity that the school closed it after class, considering that in that case you wouldn’t have to walk to the public library.
You opened the door silently, finding that there were barely any students, only three or four people studying silently. You were heading towards a lonely corner so you could listen to music in a high volume without having to pay attention if it could be heard through your headphones. Or maybe, considering that it hadn’t been a lie and that you had slept like four hours maximum, you could probably rest there until the bell rang.
You snickered when you looked to your right, finding someone struggling with the technical drawing homework that had been assigned that morning, the one that Lara and Noa had been talking about.
You gently tapped the guy’s shoulder, but spoke before he even turned.
“You’re missing this incline here,” you whispered on his ear, your arms coming above his shoulders, placing your hands above his, placing the square and bevel on the right angle. “It should be seen, but with dotted lines, get it? That way the side-view makes sense.” You added with a soft giggle.
“Oh, right. T-thank you…” he mumbled, not facing you.
You brushed it off as weird, but your sleepy self wasn’t bothered enough to notice or pry, and instead smiled, ruffled his hair and settled in your cozy little corner, placing your scarf in between your arms and rested your head on it, merely “resting your eyes”, but only if a teacher happened to come and check on the students.
Seungmin stared at your sleeping figure, eyes almost wide. He felt like his heart was going to explode underneath the layers of flesh. His hands tingled, his usually warm and sweaty palms missing the comfortable coldness of yours, so soothing and relaxing.
Either you had completely gone crazy, or he had fallen asleep trying to complete the stupid assignment. He knew you were good at technical drawing, it was one of the subjects were he wasn’t. It wasn’t a surprise when several students started asking you for help on their papers and assignments, considering that you were one of the few who was able to receive praise from the teacher, a middle-aged man with no kind of vocation with kids or teaching, by any means.
But it had never happened when he was the one in need of help, had you ever considered the idea of helping him.
He watched you, puzzled, as he had never done before, and maybe it would be the first time of many because Seungmin found himself liking what he was seeing, dare I say mesmerized by the image before him.
By you.
Your sleepy figure was as calm as he had ever seen from you, sleeping with little to no care in the world. Your hair remained stuck in a ponytail, which allowed Seungmin to notice that it left the skin of your neck visible, and despite the voice on his head saying that it was a behaviour quite like a man from the Modern Ages, just being so fixated at that small bit of skin, he couldn’t help but feel bashfully amazed.
Suddenly, he noticed you licked your lips, your eyes still closed and your small smile never faltering, but that made something start to flutter in his stomach, as if a whole lot of butterflies had been awaken at the sight of you, tranquil, and sweet, and cute, and he forced himself to stop looking at you abruptly, wondering why he had done that in the first place.
Licking your lips only made Seungmin aware of how dry his were, and action plus the thought of your lips immediately brought back what had happened on Wednesday.
Crazy. He’d gone completely crazy.
He felt his hand slowly approach his lips and he grazed them with his fingers, almost able to taste your chapstick back on his lips. Because he had been able. All Wednesday night. And a small part of him wanted more of it.
He blushed, scratching his eyes. He hadn’t slept shit, his mind betraying him every time he attempted to close his eyes instantly going back to the memory of how you stared at him after your kiss, dark pupils, and red lips, and so ridiculously gorgeous that it made Seungmin wonder why whenever he saw you he resorted to his first line in code: being mean.
He never used that side with anyone. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t tried, because small, teasing and slightly unhinged Kim Seungmin had tried to be himself in middle school, and… well.
Let’s just say that it didn’t work like expected.
But everyone loved dorky, funny and sweet Seungmin. Even with the difference with grades, that had definetely not been appreciated in his early years, nowadays people would see that as a part of him, and he recieved praise for it, not only from teachers, but also nice classmates, who sometimes went to seek help from him.
He just needed to pretend for a bit. Smile here and there, and put on a sheepish act of bashfulness that despite it not being natural, it wasn’t totally bad. It wasn’t like middle school.
But then you came in the picture.
Something about you made Seungmin want to tease you. To see you finally look at him after battling in your head if you even should, and then, sometimes when you were mad enough, you’d glare at him, and he couldn’t help but grin. Your cheeks flushed in anger that creeped up your body, how you looked at him through your lashes or how you’d tease him back. The first time you had done that, his brain’s chemistry had changed, he was sure of that.
He didn’t care about the mean remarks, and that now seemed almost obvious, considering what had happened almost two days ago in the school bus.
But it got impossible to miss when Seungmin noticed your sleepy self shivering in your slumber. With a mental groan, careful of not making any kind of loud noise in the study room, he slowly got closer to your corner, and tried to close the windows near it. And failed, because the stupid windows were old and rusty, only able to move them a bit.
He bit his lip, arguing in his head. Would that be enough? No, it probably wasn’t, right? Yeah, it couldn’t be. Considering that you always wore thin clothing, always borrowing your mates’ jackets…
…it couldn’t possibly hurt to do a bit more, right?
Seungmin approached you further, and shook a hand close to your face, but you were dead, as still as a fallen tree, despite the sunlight that enetered throught the windows glowing on your face, the Sun in winter, that brought little to no warmth, made you shine in his eyes.
He’d see you in the public library a couple of hours later. It didn’t mean anything. He could probably tease you for sleeping in school later. Yeah. And then he’d ask for his jacket back.
Seungmin was lost in his thoughts as he carefully settled his jacket over your shoulders, and he froze when you sighed deeply, surrounded by a familiar warmth and a cozy scent that you didn’t know you had missed or needed until then, but you didn’t wake up.
He blinked when he noticed your phone in your hand, the screen suddenly turning on. He giggled at your wallpaper, which had a silly joke on it and a funny doodle of a banana.
But then his eyes trailed down to the notification that had made the phone turn on.
[3 new messages from: henry li🫧]
> sorry i didn’t get to see u yesterday, had to sort smth out!
> guys.its.totally.a.real.address.wdym.lol
> it’s the address for later, shortcake 😉❤️
…huh?
Seungmin blinked once. Twice. Nah, his glasses had to be deceiving him. Then, another notification popped up.
> can’t wait to see you ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥
He winced silently.
Ugh. What a cringy choice of emojis.
Did you really like this guy?
He frowned, going back to his place in the study room.
Ugh.
He didn’t care, obviously. Why would he care? That wasn’t his business. Never was, never would be. Not like he was interested. Pffft, no. Not at all. Yeah, nah. That kiss had been a one time thing. Totally. 100%. He wasn’t thinking about it again. Nope. Nor did he want to kiss you again. Not in a chance.
Just… ugh.
It was just that… no. Scratch that. No further comments.
He sighed as he went back to his work, feeling a sudden inspiration hit him as he took out a blank paper for the English class valentine’s assignment, but not before he looked at you again, then shook his head, turning the music back on in his headphones. He started writing, drafting, and throwing papers away, getting slightly desperate at his perfectionism.
He sighed. His eyes trailed off towards you.
Slowly, words started to flow in his head. Pretty sentences, things that he had kept hidden in the back of his mind. Maybe it could be good to let it all out. It couldn’t hurt. Yeah.
So he stared writing. Vomiting word after word. And he finished earlier than expected, with two papers.
One was perfect for the english assignment. It was boring and dull enough to be handed in for a school work, but good enough for his perfectionism.
And the other… was something different.
Something that had only happened because you were there, in front of him.
He stood up, letter on his hand. He leaned against the table you were sleeping in, and settled the jacket further on your shoulders. He sighed, grabbing a pen from his pencil case, folding the letter and signed it.
Maybe it was a bad idea, he thought as he picked up his stuff from the table and adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose.
He looked at your figure once more before heading out.
It had been to check if you were still asleep, of course.
Just to check.
Yeah.
[☆★🌷★☆]
Your phone vibrated in your hand again.
And again.
And again.
With a groan, you silently accepted that there was no way you could fool an inanimate object into believing that you were still asleep.
But when you yawned and looked around and didn’t find the posters in your room, but rather a whole bunch of tables and chairs, your eyes widened.
It hadn’t been your alarm but a phone call that had awoken you.
“Y-yeah?” You mumbled, picking up the call and quickly taking your backpack and scarf and rushing out of the study room, taking a quick scan and making sure you weren’t leaving anything behind.
“I’m heading to the club now, shortcake.” A low voice greeted. “Are you getting ready?”
Who…?
“H-henry?” You frowned slightly.
You heard him snicker through the other side. “Yeah?”
Fuck, shit, fuck.
“N-nothing! Nothing, I, uh, I was just doing my make up. Y-you know.”
What? You frowned, even more this time. No, that didn’t make any sense. You always blabbered about how you never did your make up for clubbing because the one you owned was cheap and never stayed on anyways.
“Sure, yeah.”
It didn’t seem like he had noticed.
“You can head there before me. I’ll go there eventually, yeah?”
You heard him snicker on the other side of the phone call. “Ok, baby.” He cleared his throat, stuttering a bit. “Y-yeah, I mean, I’ll uh… get there in a bit. Don’t rush.”
Only then you felt that the wind from outside wasn’t freezing your bones like usual. You squinted at the jacket you were wearing.
“Henry, did you…?” But he hung up.
It probably was him. Yeah. That’s why he had called you. To make sure you’d wake up.
Besides, there were little to no people who’d do such a kind gesture towards you, and even if the jacket was pretty much your style and it smelled like heaven, it didn’t feel like something any of the girls would keep around.
So, why didn’t it made you feel giddy that Henry had given you his jacket?
You kept on running through the hallways and catched the bus that was usually there for students who had extracurricular classes, unlucky people who had to stay in school late in Fridays. You never had, using Fridays to be a bit lazy or to start homework sooner just to hand it in earlier than Seungmin.
Oh.
Friday.
Seungmin.
The library.
You bit your nails, staring through the window.
Would he wait there for long?
What was he going to do once he figured you weren’t going to show up?
Were you… feeling guilty?
No… that… that couldn’t be, you chuckled dryly. Mean decisions against Kim Seungmin didn’t spend too much time on the judgmental side of your brain. You just… teased him back. And he’d take it. And double it. And so on.
So why did this feel too mean?
Could it be because of whatever-happened-that-cannot-and-should-not-be-remembered-every-five-minutes?
Could the fact that it had been the best thing that had happened in a long while?
Well, fine.
Not just ‘thing’.
A kiss.
And for fuck’s sake, what kiss.
You groaned and grunted, sprinting home as soon as the bus stopped.
Why did it always have to be him?
You entered your room and burst open your closet. The jacket was cool, you thought. And if you were going to see Henry, you could just wear it and hand it back to him in the club.
It was vintage, but its warmth engulfed you as if it had been handmade. Its funky designs and patterns looked cute, and its grey color contrasted well with it. You chose the first dress you saw, a tight black dress with no sleeves that you would’ve discarded as too short if you had more time, but it wasn’t exactly something you could’ve bragged about.
Jacket, dress, high socks, boots, wallet, phone, keys, headphones… yeah. You nodded, checking all of the boxes in your mental list, and started hurriedly walking to the address he had sent.
You hoped you weren’t going to be too late.
[☆★🌷★☆]
“Pick up, pick up, pick up…”
“The number you are trying to call is turned off or out of coverage. Please, leave your message after the—”
You hang up, tired of hearing that mechanic voice over and over again.
You looked around you, and there was nothing that looked like a club. You had tried to enter the building that the address lead to, but it hadn’t got well.
A strange figure opened a small window and gave you a look, almost disgusted. It took you a second to understand that they were wearing a mask, with dark lace and other colours. But just when you were about to speak, the window slammed close.
You blinked, puzzled. Where the fuck was Henry sending you? What kind of club was this?
You had started to roam around the building, trying to call him —and failing misserably, because the damn guy couldn’t pick up the fucking phone for the life of him—, but now you were starting to run out of ideas.
It was past 12pm, your legs shivered with every slight wind that swooshed your way, and there was no one that was going to pick up the phone. Not Henry, that ridiculous imbecile, not Lucas, who always bragged about having his phone in night mode, so nothing would get to him until morning, and not the girls, because Noa had her phone turned off, Atenea was most likely sleeping, Abril and Lara hadn’t picked up either, and your list of close friends who could possibly pick up was… that.
And no one was picking up the fucking phone.
You were about to keep on ranting about how disgustingly bad this was turning out to be, but you heard footsteps coming your way. You looked around, but didn’t find the source. With a frown, you walked to the building again
Placing your hand on one of the windows, who were dark and almost impossible to see through, you could notice that in the dim light from what could be seen outside, Henry was well entertained with a certain kind of company, so much that he couldn’t even pick up your phone.
You closed your eyes and leaned your forehead against the tinted glass. Of course. Yeah. That made total sense. It was Henry, after all. He had always been known to be kind of an asshole anyways. It couldn’t possibly come out as a surprise the fact that he actually was.
You shook your head and mentally mocked him and the blond girl he was kissing.
Henry Li could go to Hell.
Guess there was nothing left to do now. You had dumped Seungmin, and Henry had dumped you. It was an ass move over an ass move. Maybe you kinda deserved it.
But then your thoughts ended in a halt, because you swore you could feel a shadow starting to follow you from a distance.
They were behind you, but not too close, and due to their hoodie it was imposible to distinguish their face.
So you started walking. Turning left. Right. Left again. Right. Just kept on walking. Don’t look behind you. They’d probably just leave. This had to be your imagination, 100%.
But when you took a peak, the silhouette was not only still behind you, slowly walking towards you, but a slight bit closer this time.
You swallowed dry, gulped, even. Your heart tightened in your chest. What kind of joke was this? Your eyes were tearing up. You were tired, and this was mental. Adrenaline rumped through your body, and even if you were already lost, you kept on walking.
You took your phone from your pocket. Think, think, think. Who could you call? Who could pick up at one am? You scrolled down your list of contacts, until for a reason you don’t fully get, your eyes stopped at a certain name.
—> seungmeannie
It couldn’t possibly hurt to try… right?
You sniffed almost silently, and pressed call.
One beep.
Two beeps.
Three beeps.
You started crying a bit louder, unable to hold it back.
“Eh, hi…?”
“S-seungmin!” You sobbed, smiling. It was the first time in your life you had been that happy just from being able to hear his voice, raspy and low.
“W-what?” He stopped talking, and you guessed that it was because he hadn’t figured out who was calling him so late at night. “Do you know what time it is, you fun-sized dingus?” He groaned sleepily at the phone.
You bit your lip and sniffed.
“Wait. Are you… crying?” His tone had changed.
“I-i’m sorry about t-this eve-ening.” You sobbed, failing to hold back the tears, hugging the jacket that was still on your shoulders.
“Are you drunk, little one?” You never thought your shoulders could relax as fast as they had when his soft tone of voice called you that stupid nickname.
“N-no, I… I went to this stupid club, with-“
“With Henry, yeah.” The way he said his name, as if he wanted to put that stupid bitch in a box and send him to the end of the world took you by surprise.
“B-but um, he’s not picking up my phone and I…” you gulped. Taking a peek behind you, you shivered. “I think someone’s following me.”
“Wait, what?” Seungmin had never stood up from bed as fast as he had done that night. “Where are you?” He asked to the phone as he randomly picked a sweater and his glasses, biting his lip as he struggled to put on his shoes.
“I… I don’t know.” You sobbed. “I started walking away so he’d go, but it didn’t work.” You mumbled, sniffing. You felt so stupid.
“Everything’s going to be fine, yeah?” It was the first time in the whole afternoon that you felt like that statement could be true. Because Seungmin was going to help you. “Don’t hang up. Tell me what buildings can you see. Try heading away from small alleys. I’ll find you.”
Seungmin rushed out of his appartment, not before scribbling down what was happening in a post it note and left it on his mother’s bedside table.
“T-there are some restaurants, but they’re all closed.” You started, dubious as how was this going to work. “There’s a road to my left.”
“Can you name any of the restaurants, little one?” Seungmin had a hunch, and he huffed, sprinting to the plaza closest to his appartment.
“I just passed by a Mexican, I think.” You sniffed, Seungmin’s soothing voice working like a charm and calming you down slowly. “In front of me, I think this is a Japanese… it’s called Ginza.”
Seungmin chuckled, feeling relief flooding his body. “Y-yeah, ok! I- god, yes, I know where you are. Keep walking straight ahead. There should be a park, right?” He started running, hiding the fact that he’d have to rush and make the usual fifteen minutes it could take him to arrive where you were and make them five.
He needed to see you and make sure you were safe.
“I… shit, yeah! I can see it!” You went back to crying, a smile planted in your features.
“I’m almost there. You’re doing so well, little one.”
You felt your cheeks getting warmer at that. Walking a bit faster, you looked behind you, finding that the silhouette was still there.
But Seungmin was close. Seungmin said everything would be fine.
“S-seungmin?” You mumbled at the phone, wanting to hear his voice, so soothing and warm.
“Under the streetlight, silly.”
You heard the beep that sounded when Seungmin ended the call, but he was there, tangible, a couple of meters away from you.
You chuckled, happy to see him for the first time ever, and crying away the pent up stress and worry, you ran off to him, and clung your arms around his neck tightly, unbothered at the need to stand on the tips of your toes to do so.
Seungmin stuttered, still panting from the marathon he had ran to get there, 100% baffled at this. But it was ok. You were there. You were safe.
“T-they’re still behind me.” You whispered against his chest.
He could feel your nervousness on your tone, how scared you were judging by how strongly your arms closed behind his neck, and hesitated for a second before hugging you back, his arms pulling you closer by your lower back, keeping you grounded and so weirdly safe in his grasp, and it felt so strangely comforting coming from him that your eyes swelled with more tears.
You couldn’t see or feel the person behind you anymore, but Seungmin did, somewhat clearly.
The only thing that his mind made up that moment is that for the person to leave, they’d have to believe you two did know each other.
And Seungmin’s heart beated loudly in his chest when your grasp loosened and you stood back on your feet, allowing him to see how your lip trembled, how you were holding back tears and how you looked at him with a million emotions hidden in the colour of your eyes. He had never seen you cry before.
His hands itched to touch you again, a sudden need to comfort you that overwhelmed him.
So he did.
His hands cradled your cheeks, his thumbs brushing away your tears, and he pecked your lips softly, smiling at your baffled face. His arms engulfed you in a comforting hug that smelled so much like the jacket you were wearing.
He looked behind you, and the silhouette was nowhere to be found. As if it had never been there before.
“It’s ok.” Seungmin whispered in your ear. “I’m here now. You’re safe. They’re gone, yeah?” His arms rested on your shoulders as his slender hands stroked your hair. “No one’s gonna hurt you now, pretty.”
And you started to cry on his shoulder, because not only then you realized how bad you had needed a hug, and not even the fact that it had been a hug from him that you had secretly yearned for, but because none of your excuses made sense now.
There was no ‘fake’ or ‘real’ Seungmin.
Whatever he was, fake or not, stood in front of you as he hugged you under the streetlight.
And you sighed as he cooed at you softly, because deep down you had known for a while.
It was time you came to terms with it.
[☆★🌷★☆]
{ACT 3: WINDOWS, LETTERS AND POEMS}
Wednesday. 9:56 am. 14th February.
Most of your classmates were still arriving from their next class as you stared at two papers in your hands slightly from afar, pencil in your lips.
You had discarded most of your creations all Monday and Tuesday when you finally ended with a draft you liked for the stupid english homework. It was nothing out of the ordinary.
But the letter in your other hand, however, was something you had never done before.
“What’s that you got there?”
Any kind of bubbly and nervous emption you had vanished at the sound of that low voice.
“Fuck off, Li.” You grunted in a husky tone, frowning at him and grabbing back the letter from his hands.
“Is it a love letter for me?” He chuckled, ignoring your behaviour.
“Why the fuck would I write that, huh?” You laughed, a chuckle full of acid, one that had much more hatred that you had ever said before.
Henry brushed a hand through his hair, and you couldn’t help but think he looked stupid. You had liked this guy? Ugh.
“Because today is valentine’s day, shortcake.”
You squinted and frowned at him.
“Swishing those dyed and damaged locks like a Loreal advert won’t make anyone fall in love with you.” You snorted, and realized the people in the hallway had fallen into silence, listening to your conversation. “Or maybe it worked with that blond girl in the club?” You pretended to ponder out loud, leaning against the locker behind you, facing him with confidence.
“Wait, what?” He mumbled.
You snickered, taking him by surprise. “Oh, silly. I was never going to date you. I kept hearing that you were an ass and figured that was right, because aside from me, little to no people talked to you. I guess I just felt pityful.” You faked a pout.
He clenched his fists, his shoulders tense.
“You’re lying.” He grunted.
You chuckled. “You wish I was. That blond girl didn’t steal my man. She stole my problem.” You heard some gasps from the people in the corridor, as they had formed some kind of circle around you two.
But then, Henry snorted, and cleared his throat, talking with a much louder voice. “So you’re not going to let everyone know about you and Seungmin?” He smirked. “I feel like that’s a bit unfair. Making it seem like I’m the bad guy and all.”
You tried hard to make it seem like that hadn’t surprised you. You were so surprised by it that you didn’t have time to react when he yanked your letter from your hand.
“Such sweet words, all dedicated to him,” he mocked. “I think these people want to know.”
“Give it back!” You clenched your jaw, your eyes dull with embarassment.
Even if he wasn’t as tall as Seungmin, there was still a decent difference between you and him. And with a sly grin, he raised the paper above your head.
You licked your lips, anger filling your body.
“Give. It. Back.”
But then he started reading.
“I looked at him as if he were the Sun, in that I never looked at him except in frustration.” He read out loud, moving the paper from your reach everytime you tried to reach. “I seeked his warmth, I complained when he was gone, but I never looked, not until I noticed he was leaving, and in the beauty of the sunset, I wondered how I had never seen him before.”
You stared at the floor, a blush spreading through your cheeks, coming from your neck.
“And that’s basically what happened.” You mumbled to Abril and Lucas over at a bench in the school grounds, hours after that whole thing had happened.
“What?!” You flinched at Abril’s loud voice. “I’m going to kill him. I am so going to murder that nasty ass bitch.” She threatened to stand up, but Lucas grabbed her forearm.
“And what about Seungmin?” He questioned softly, a lot more gentle that what you usually would expect.
You felt heat rush to your cheeks.
“I haven’t spoken to him since Friday” You stared at him with a weakness you had never felt before. “It’s like he doesn’t want to talk to me, I…” you sighed. “I don’t know what to think anymore.” You sniffed.
You had to stay in the study room for the afternoon, waiting for Atenea to get out of the club she was in so you could head to the library together like you had promised, but as you studied in silence, someone sat in the chair in front of you, frowning at you.
You took your headphones off and scratched your eyes. “Eh… Hyunjin?”
“Abril told Lara and she told me,” he mentioned in a huff. “And I’ve known Seungmin for many years. He’s not an impulsive guy. He hasn’t treated anyone like how he treats you.”
You blinked, puzzled, but frowned at him. “Are you going to scold me?”
“You better believe I am!” He scoffed. “Would you like me to politely tell you that you’ve behaved like a total idiot around him?”
“What are you—?!”
“You simply never bothered to talk to Seungmin about any of what Lara told me!” He stated with force, and you didn’t think to tell him to shut up, considering that the study room was empty that time.
“Do you really expect me to understand whatever was happening and tell him right away?” You blurted out with anger, a bit shocked at his rough approach. “Had I had the opportunity I would have!
He rolled his eyes, passing a hand over his face in a sign of desperation.
“You had every opportunity! For months!” He left his hand on the table, and started tapping at it with force, trying to make a point. “Admit it. Seungmin has been in your head ever since we both changed from the other class and you two started bickering.” Hyunjin’s eyes stared at you with a fierce glare that almost threatened to pierce holes through your skull.
“That’s bullshit!” You spitted out defensively.
“Oh, spare me!” He brushed it off. “There have been countless clues! Your stupid need to make everything a competition when it comes to him is infuriating. He talks to me about these things, you know?” He swallowed, and you leaned back in surprise, but he kept on going. “How you look at him when you’re angry, or how you mock and tease him back. It’s stupid!” He cursed out loud. “And these last two weeks have only made it so much worse.”
“What do you mean, worse?” You pondered softly, slowly taking in Hyunjin’s dramatic act.
“I mean, you were totally smitten by how he ridiculously kissed you at the back of the bus last week, considering that you kissed him back.” He stated clearly. “And he wouldn’t shut up about it and how you were ignoring him after, which, great fucking work, by the way, the dude wouldn’t shut up about you.” Hyunjin blinked slowly, trying to recall and voice what he was thinking. “And then he lends you his jacket when a mystery debutant shows up.”
“A—a what?”
“Motherfucker, eh, that Henry asshole.” Hyunjin rubbed his eyes. “I had to endure him talking shit about him for an hour because he saw him texting you some weird shit with cringe emojis.” The exasperation on his tone rendered you almost speechless. “And even then he struggled to admit how fucking jealous he was about that guy. He had your attention. He had your smile. You looked at Henry, not at Seungmin, and ah, for fuck’s sake.” Hyunjin covered his face with his hands. “He felt so ridiculously powerless that he talked to me about it. He’s never done that before!”
You were only able to blink, struggling to grasp everything he was saying.
“And then, with no word of warning, you called him, at, what, like, one in the morning?” Hyunjin said in a huff, the thought of that bringing back his anger, making him stare at you with a frown again. “He, jesus, he talked for AGES about how you hugged him, and the fact that you were wearing his jacket, like— like you’re doing now, what the fuck.” He stopped mid-scolding, staring at you with confusion.
“It’s… it’s his?”
Hyunjin’s eyes widened slightly as he nodded. “What, you didn’t know? You helped him with tecnical drawing, he gave you his jacket, bla bla bla. That whole thing?”
You blushed, shaking your head sideways. You had done what?
“Nevermind. You can talk to him about that later.”
It was your turn to scoff now. “Judging by the fact that he sent you, I don’t think he would like to see me anytime soon.”
Hyunjin chuckled dryly.
“Don’t you even dare keep ignoring him. This stupid game has lasted for too long. Besides, he doesn’t know I’m here. He thinks I’m in dance practice, but whatever. You needed to know, because he’s a mess.” Hyunjin stated, passing a hand through his hair. “He can’t sleep well, he can’t concentrate, he can’t do anything.”
It looked like the scolding was over, but there was a remaining anger that came back to him as a memory struck.
“And, moreover, you callously ignored the letter Seungmin wrote you, even though he told you he loved you!”
You were looking at your notebook on the table, halfly staring at your nails and fidgeting with them, but your head almost snapped when you stared at him.
“What letter?” You muttered, your eyes locked on his. He frowned, his eyes slightly widening.
Your heart started beating faster, almost so loud you could hear it in your head.
“Hyunjin, what letter?!”
[☆★🌷★☆]
Seungmin felt his lungs on fire.
Run, run, run.
His feet were hurting, because his old ass shoes were busted enough that their insides were almost destroyed from everyday use.
But he needed to find you.
Maybe it was because it was Valentine’s day, despite the obvious influence that a certain friend of yours had done.
“Wait, you— you missed school this morning?” Lucas had muttered with a puzzled look, eyes wide.
“I had to go to the dentist to take my braces off. Yeah.” Seungmin stated again. “So whatever you meant by ‘being an ignoring bitch this morning’, I know nothing about it.”
And then someone next to them had chimed in. “You’re talking about Henry and what happened this morning with—“
“Yeah. Why?” Seungmin had interrupted, frowning slightly.
“There’s a video of it.”
Run, run, run.
The look in your eyes when you spoke with Henry. Your smug smile when you caught him by surprise.
Your poem.
His eyes had widened when Henry started reading it in the video.
Was it…?
Could it…?
Could it really be for him?
He wanted needed to find out.
He needed to find you.
“Watch where you’re going!” A man grunted at him, and Seungmin quickly apologized, running off.
Run, run, run.
He knew where you lived just because of Friday, when you had asked him if he could head towards your house with you, still a bit scared from what had happened. He accepted in a heartbeat, reassuring you that it was fine with a million smiles.
His hand had never left yours. Your touch, colder than his, had something so adicting to it that he didn’t want to let go.
Time seemed to pass slowlier when he recognized your neighbourhood. He was about to ring on your floor, but then, your silhouette got out of the elevators, and you both blinked at each other, staring through the glass door.
You opened it slowly, approaching him.
The look in your eyes was different than what Seungmin was used to.
It wasn’t similar to how you had looked at him ever since the school year started, with a shimmer of anger that turned your cheeks pink. Or how you had looked at him that afternoon in the back of the school bus, pupils dark and lips red and slightly swollen from kissing. Or how your eyes glowed in hope and comfort that Friday night.
It was different. He wanted to savour it. He wanted to see every detail of it.
He walked towards you and cradled your face in his hands.
“Wait.” He muttered in a whisper, taking off his glasses in a movement that to you felt almost enticing.
“What is it?” You whispered back.
He blinked at you as he cleaned his glasses with the hem of his shirt.
“You’re fucking blurry.” He snickered softly, with a sheepish smile that tinted his cheeks pink.
You giggled.
He settled his glasses back in place, and smiled when your image made sense before him.
“Better.” He muttered.
“Seungmin, I—“
But you stopped speaking when his lips crashed against yours.
There it was. He tasted sweet like how hot chocolate tastes in a rainy day. You smiled at your discovery, wanting to taste it for hours.
He wanted to kiss you for days to come, even if there was a million things left for both of you to say.
“I’m sorry.” Kiss. “I wasn’t in school this morning.” Kiss. “But I saw a video of it.” Kiss. “And I needed to—“
You giggled, taking his glasses and settling them on the top of his head.
“We can do the talking later.” You smiled, your cheeks red as your hands grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.
“Are you sure?” He gulped, blushing too as he mumbled.
“Yeah.” You smiled even more. “I’d rather do the kissing now.”
You'd never know what happened with his letter. But considering where that had lead you, maybe it wasn't totally bad that the wind had carried it out the window.
[☆★🌷★☆]
~Kats, who, believe it or not, took the text argument in the beginning from an old school groupchat (yes i was the target akbdksbdks idk why lol, but no, i did not have an enemies2lovers :( lmao)
HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINES DAY!
TAGGING! (oh wow) @that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick @deadcrow-donteat @obyyyy @euphoric-univers @aslou @19marka @daisyjihannie @im-loco66 @coolbabydumplings @amarecerasus @sharonxdevi @han-to-my-minho @abbiespooks @moon0fthenight @koala-wonderland @hecrtful @hheesungsung @vampcharxter @kpopandblunts @daisy-dont-play @skz-lover21 @skyl1nninie @lunathewonyoungstan @5starlee @pchyyhoe @4ln-stay8 @michelle4eve (bolded and/or purple means it won’t let me tag you, pookies! please check your blog’s privacy settings <3)
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mikajunie · 3 months
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how to deal with failure when all you know how to do is beat up yourself (as an adhder)
please read this if you are a chronic self-loather like myself.
i used to hate myself for everything i did; the way i talk and walk, my accomplishments, my daily activities, how i cannot keep up with my peers, all that jazz. and especially as a late-diagnosed adhder this gets worse overtime. i ended up getting into a 6-month burnout, failed 3 classes and have to extend one semester, and i had lost my identity as a person.
overall i was just a breathing, walking flesh with depressive thoughts every day.
but after many many months of rediscovering myself, i have come up with the conclusion that life gets easier when i don't fucking hate myself.
shocker, right? ik this is probably like a 'obviously' type of thing, but i think many ppl with adhd can confirm that this is one of the hardest pills to swallow.
but trust me, you don't need to feel bad!!! and i will tell you how to do it down below. pls read, i hope it helps.
(keep in mind im not a psychiatrist or a therapist btw i just wanna help fellow ppl with adhd)
reminder #1: adhd makes you more prone to making mistakes - beating yourself up for every failure is torture.
as people with adhd, we are more prone to making more mistakes and questionable decisions. we are just built that way. we can work on it, but that's our baseline.
self loathing encourages you to beat up your baseline. your default state. your non-productive mode.
beating yourself up for making a mistake is literally like beating up a cat for sleeping. humans are bound to make mistakes, and us with adhd are bound to make more. it's fine, let yourself breathe. im not saying we cannot do anything right or that our mistakes are permissible, but missing an alarm clock or forgetting things we want to say are not surprising. it's just embedded inside us, so either be miserable for the rest of your life or work on reframing your thoughts on failure in general.
reminder #2: you can learn how to be better even if you don't beat yourself up for it
these neurotypical adults who tell you that you should feel bad about failing are stupid. and whoever tell you that negative reinforcement is needed for you to get better are the dumbest motherfuckers ever.
you don't need to feel bad to ge better.
in fact, once you don't feel too bad about it, you can focus more on how to do better in the future instead of replaying the past over and over again.
literally after almost failing college, i only realized that i should not be hard on myself. literally. i remember deciding i should try being nice on myself and now boom! i feel better AND i actually have been working towards fixing my life more and more.
and you know whats the best part?? i can finally start enjoying my life again!!
reminder #3: not everything you do is a failure. seriously.
this is a thought pattern i keep seeing in every person with adhd.
"nothing i can do is right" WRONG!!!! you do some things wrong but you also do some things right!!!! quit discrediting yourself
now try acknowledging your failures:
cry about it first. let yourself sit in and feel your feelings first. you can continue after you finish crying about it
do some form of meditation that helps you clear out your mind. i suggest just 5 minutes or until you don't feel as heavy anymore
let yourself know that failing is an action and consequence, not a part of your identity. it is not you: you are someone who succeeds and fails sometimes. you can fail, but that does not mean everything you do will be a failure.
identify what kind of failure you're thinking about , why you feel so shitty about it, and what you should do for next time. it'd be good if you could write this down. here is an example from me:
failure: failing out of class
what happened: i failed bc i kept procrastinating and ended up sleeping in, so i could not submit on time
consequences of event: i had to retake the class, paid a significant amount of money, and now i cant graduate on time with my friends
why i feel shitty: i feel so left behind and stupid. i feel like this is such a stupid mistake that was easily avoidable.
and now i have so many thoughts in my mind right now, like "how can i be so stupid? how can i be so careless? this is such a stupid mistake."
now notice. if you also think like this, you are actively judging yourself. you are being so mean to yourself, and for what? would you ever told your friends they are so stupid and dumb for making careless mistakes? even if it's stupid, you wouldn't say it to their faces.
after identifying everything, confirm what actually happened, reframe your thoughts, and apologize to yourself:
"How can I be so careless?" -> It's not intentional, and I did try my best to work on it. It's not my fault my executive dysfunction took over the better part of me.
"How can I be so stupid?" -> Just because I cannot initiate tasks as well as the others, it doesn't mean i'm stupid. i am pretty good at other things, i cannot expect myself to be good at everything.
"This is such a stupid mistake." -> It is stupid, and that's... okay. It's fine. I accept it, I'll work on how to make it better in the future.
when you combat negative thoughts, make sure you combat them not only with facts but also with empathy and future action-focused thoughts.
the key is to focus on what you can do now, not what you should have done.
because focusing on the past is very very unhelpful.
now please focus on what you can do now:
Make small goals for the future.
What you should not say:
"I promise I will try harder to focus" -> Nope, you are relying on your ADHD symptom to not be ADHD anymore... which is impossible.
"I promise I won't forget next time" -> Same thing.
"I promise I will make a routine that I will stick to" -> This is too idealist, don't commit to anything for a long run, it's just setting yourself up for more failure.
What you should say instead:
"Next time, I will try to write it down so I won't forget next time" -> Tell yourself the clear steps on what you need to do. You cannot rely on your brain to just be better, come up with actions that can support you!
"Next time, I will set more alarms and ask a friend to remind me. In fact, I will do it now" -> Commit to things you can do immediately! The faster, the better so you won't lose this momentum. Stop thinking that your future self is 100% reliable. Always assume you need to do it as soon as possible to help yourself in the future.
"Next time, I will try out this routine and see if it works or not" -> Experiment with routines. Routines don't last long, so don't give youreelf empty promises. Instead, accept that your routine will chance every once in a while so you need to learn what works or not.
Apologize and forgive yourself
Say sorry to yourself.
It's normal to make mistakes, and it's unrealistic to think you won't make more.
Move on
Seriously. Don't sit on it too much.
Once you know what you need to do to not fail in the future and you have written it down... just let it go.
You don't need to feel bad to grow. You don't need to feel bad to be better.
You are allowed to feel good about yourself.
In fact, you should feel better about yourself now because you are showing your commitment to getting better by reading this long ass post.
Pat yourself in the back.
Failure has its consequences already, you don't need to punish yourself more. Please get something nice.
Failing is EXHAUSTING. Please give yourself a snack or some gaming time.
Allow yourself to breathe.
We are humans, we are not failures. We succeed and fail sometimes, not all the time.
Be nice to yourself, you have been through a lot.
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altf4d3lete · 4 months
Text
EPISODE TWO
- “maybe it’s one of your classmates” erm or maybe it’s your fucking son and you just decided to ignore the fact that he could be a Hyde too because you didn’t want that to be true
- Weems trying so hard to protect the school. Love her even tho she’s controversial
- Bro wednesday is better than me bc if Rowan walked in smiling at me like that I would have actually lost my shit right then and there
- “Was it to gain attention” what a horrible therapist wtf
- Why does this therapy session feel like a fight omg
- EW TYLER. Sorry.
- Court ordered therapy how badly did you fuck Xavier up bro
- “I believe you” i wonder why bro you’re so manipulative
- ENID MY BBG 😭 “i will literally scratch my own eyes out” “i would pay money to see that” and enid just whips around with a huge smile THEYRE SO CUTE
- HUH??? BY EPISODE TWO THING IS GIVING ENID NECK MASSAGES THATS CRAZY
- Enid not being mean about Rowan being alive unlike SOMEONE (Xavier)
- Yoko looks so done im sobbing
- The gentle rejection from Wednesday and Enid taking it with no issue
- ENID’S WINK
- Is the choir only sirens
- THE FAINT BARKING AFTER SHE SINGS THE NOTE DOGS CAN HEAR
- “Ever shot a bow and arrow” “only on live targets” proceeds to mansplain how to shoot a bow he’s so annoying I can’t stand Xavier im sorry
- She HATES him it’s so funny
- EUGENEEEE
- poor guy aw she just left him there
- There’s just casually a severed hand running through the train station
- THE WAY SHE SLAMS XAVIER’S SPIDER IS SO FUNNY
- Xavier is so awkward sitting between his ex and his crush AND they’re beefing
- Sheriff Galpin is kinda annoying
- HELP ENID BEING SASSY BC THING IS MAD
- Not her coaching wednesday on thing
- “go apologize” “yes ma’am 😐😕”
- Imagine losing your family to a pink sparkly werewolf
- Awww her opening up to thing is so cute
- COUGHS her GREATEST FEAR is being responsible for something terrible and y’all r saying she’d be okay dating someone who was going to help genocide her classmates that’s crazy.
- “I can’t let that happen”
- Y’all she was genuinely concerned abt being the reason the school is in trouble
- Her crushing Eugene about Enid is crazy
- Tyler is so manipulative holy shit
- God she trusted Laurel that sucks so much
- Sigh she can relate to Laurel and that sucks so bad
- I feel so bad for her the one adult she felt like could understand her
- Damn Xavier is so argumentative towards Bianca wtf
- Wednesday was so mad about Bianca cheating to hurt Enid
- MY POOR BABY CRYING ENID :((
- SHES JOINING FOR ENID BE FR WEDNESDAY. YOURE MAD ABT BIANCA’S COMMENT TOWARDS ENID
- I love how they’re always attached at the hip
- WEDNESDAY PUT ON A CATSUIT FOR ENID BE FR EARS AND EVERYTHING
- Enid just not being afraid by Wednesday’s threats
- The way nearly getting beheaded by an axe in the poe cup is just normal
- Enid trusting Wednesday to get the flag
- YES GIRL BREAK THEIR BOAT ENID
- The way she’s way faster than Xavier and Ajax because they got there before and she’d practically caught up with them by the time they got to the crypt (she took a shortcut nvm)
- Goody my bbg 😞
- Xavier getting so mad abt losing is crazy bro literally fell off his seat
- AND YELLING “CHEATERS” HELP
- WWWD I love you enid
- YEA THING PUNCH THAT MF FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND
- ENID WAITING TO RUN TO THE FINISH LINE FOR WEDNESDAY TO HOLD THE FLAG TOO IM ILL
- AND THEM HOLDING IT TOGETHER
- ENID LITERALLY SIDE HUGGING AND SHAKING HER AND WEDNESDAY DOESNT CARE
- they’re so cute
- With how far wednesday went from the quad and how quick enid found her, enid probably immediately went looking for Wednesday after noticing she was missing
- The way she’s hugging Wednesdays arm is so cute
- And the way wednesday looks at enid awww
- WEEMS BEING MORTICIAS COPILOT AND WEDNESDAY BEING ENIDS THATS SO CUTE
- “Ah yes. Me, my gf, and her 5 foot tall trophy”
- Why did she write everything in caps except the “i”s
- The ol’ Addams family snap
- Damn bro got kidnapped that’s crazy
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voxmilia · 4 months
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Do you have any HCs with inkblade and Ivy
YOU MEAN OISIN AND HIS TWO FAVORITE GIRLS? THREE OF MY FAVORITE KIDDOS? ONLY ALWAYS
I latched on so hard to "mean girl with the Garthy O'Brien accent" so I've adopted Ivy, she's one of my favorites, I literally write her on my rp blog, I have a character/timeline study for her in the works so I have many headcanons. Some of these are, as usual, created in conjunction with my friend Nick @starlingcity !!
I've had to cut this down like 3 times because I have so many thoughts about all three of them so literally ask me for more anytime!
Ivy was born in Leviathan. She doesn't remember it much; she and her bio mother (her mama, bc Fabian parallel) emigrated to Solace when Ivy was around 2 or 3. Her accent is sort of a mix of Leviathan and Fallinel, as her second mother (her mum) is a high elf.
She meets Oisin at Oakshield Middle School. He's sitting by himself, reading a spellbook and Ivy, who even before the rage never really knew how to express herself right the first time, tells him it's "too sad" to watch him all alone and insists she has to join him from now on. She does. They're inseparable from then on.
They develop minor separation anxiety after their first death in the Mountains of Chaos; it's tenfold by their revivication in junior year. Jawbone helps them both and also helps them find accredited private therapists.
Oisin has a panic attack for the first time ever during his first appointment with Jawbone, because Ivy isn't there and he's terrified she'll be dead when he comes out.
He has another one when Lucy's out for a summer trip, reconnecting with her family after a year dead, and he hasn't heard back from her in almost a day. Adaine finds him, knees tucked to his chest, arms and tail wrapped around them, just outside of Jawbone's office. It's their first real conversation beyond his initial apology to her.
He laments that he should be stronger than this, should know better. Adaine still doesn't trust him but she understands so she huffs and assures him that anxiety doesn't mean he isn't strong. She has anxiety and she's been in so many battles., defeated so many foes
"I punched a dragon in the face and I have anxiety!" (It makes him laugh. She hates that she likes the sound of it.)
Ivy, as bad as she is with words, is the first to apologize of all the Rat Grinders. Mazey is kind, too kind. Ivy sort of rambles. She isn't even sure why was she so unkind in the first place; she apologizes, says Mazey deserved better. They're not friends but they've buried the hatchet at least. (Years later, they run into each other at a Fig and the Cig Figs concert and smile at each other but say nothing.)
Oisin and Ivy kissed exactly once, at 14, the summer before their freshman year. They were two confused, curious kids who wondered if the warmth in their chests when they were together was meant to be romance. They hated it immediately and never attempted it again. Ruben is still convinced they're exes, though.
Oisin, Adaine, and Ivy end up in the first Bad Kid/Rat Grinder mixed group chat, beyond their initial mega chat with both parties. Oisin kept sharing memes Ivy sent him to Adaine, who would tell him to send Ivy one from Adaine in turn. He got tired of being the middle man eventually and makes them a group thread.
Ivy texts the chat one night that she feels sorry for Adaine, because Oisin is an awful kisser. Adaine tells Ivy to speak for herself. Oisin is too embarrassed to reply for almost an hour, to Ivy's joy
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the-shy-wolf · 6 months
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Just a FYI, been going through some mental stuff.
But yeah, just wanted to give everyone an update, and I apologize for the scare and that I'm sorry.
Hi everyone, just wanted to say ty to everyone who checked in. Sorry for the worry and my abrupt absence. I had a mental breakdown and made an attempt on my life last week and I've been gone due to having been admitted and getting the help I needed. They put me on new meds and switched my therapist. I've always suffered from extreme anxiety and depression- and I thought I was doing better until we found out recently that our cat Prince had cancer. My partner had to make the difficult decision to put him down Thursday during his surgery bc it was worse than the vet expected. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye bc i was admitted, and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for my mental breakdown. He was a very loved, very important member of our family. We've have had him since we first got together. I tried to convince myself that our cat was going to be okay, telling people he's going to be okay, that everything would be fine- despite knowing I might have to go through another loss. This on top if work, and people constantly putting me under a microscope on sm- my daily life and things I have to juggle- I think people don't realize that people have other things going on in the background that they can't see. And most people wouldn't know because I'm doing my best to not use friends to vent to. It's hard to publicly come on here and explain things when I really don't want to. I feel bad for not reaching out to my friends and for my mental breakdown. And I feel bad for putting my partner through such a scare again. If he hadn't found me, I wouldn't be alive right now and I quite literally owe him my life. I also treated some of my friends horribly while I was having my episode, and for that I apologize as well. I was not in a good state of mind.
I do plan on continuing my art and comics. Art has always been my distraction from bad feelings. My partner is now helping me plan out panels for Monstrosities and it has been a huge help.
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