#anyways nts dont ever talk to me ever again

[ptsd-tiger]

If you actually believe your anxiety is correct all the time then you need to get better friends and a better therapist. You can’t read people’s minds — you’re not being intuitive you’re just being self absorbed. Also don’t project your unhealthy mindset onto other people.

"a better therapist" "you’re not being intuitive you’re just being self absorbed" "don’t project your unhealthy mindset onto other people." hey so what do you think would happen if i hit you in the head with a cinderblock, better answer quickly!

[prosciuttoon]

Toshiro/Shuro is overhated

(mirror of my thread on twitter)

ever wanted to talk abt something so bad but u have so many thoughts so u cant even begin to organize a sentence. thats me abt shuro and its why i cant give my thoughts on him. i NEED to get this out of my system bc its takign up so much memory in my brain i need that space for thinking.

so i was really surprised to find so much hate for him even tho he seems pretty normal and rational out of the whole cast. ive deducted that its mostly abt his laios fight and that the ppl who hate him probably had bad experiences w social cues and relationships w neurotypicals bc of that. theres no way to avoid it bc its pretty much Right In Your Face that laios is ND. but thats not the only factor in why their relationship is rocky. its also the culture barrier. u have to understand toshiro was raised as JAPANESE NOBILITY ofc he would be a little conservative

also culture shock. idk if u know this but jp culture is very Mind Your Own Business like a lot of other asian cultures . ofc hes gonna be weirded out by a stranger invading his space. also his names not even Shuro. its just yt ppl not pronouncing his name right and settling for whats easiest.

img src: fan translation by savaralyn2 , i think its from the adventurers bible Complete Edition bc i dont remember it in the old one

ok you get the gist of the culture aspect of it. lets go into the ND/NT clash aspect of it. yes i understand its pretty hurtful to never be told when youre acting inappropriately. i am autistic too lmao. but you have to understand that shiro is one guy and he even does realize that repressing things is one of his fatal flaws. again. asian culture. non confrontational. that sorta thing. but these are genuine frustrations. if i were him id be annoyed too but id speak out about it. set boundaries. bc im blunt. shiros not. he was taught crazy strict manners (hierarchies, respect, politeness, etc).

his problem isnt ableism its a culmination of culture barriers, how he was raised to behave, and terrible lack of communication as thing caused by "all of the above" plus he just generally keeps to himself a lot which means repressing frustrations that will explode leading to a pathetic fistfight while hes starved, exhausted, and dehydrated. also. if he was ableist he would hate laios. he doesnt hate laios. at the end of the day, they are friends. NT and ND ppl can be friends u know. there will be rifts (like their fight) but you just have to communicate misunderstandings. theyre gonna be fine lol

anyways that was my whole spiel abt it. i think i got everything out that i wanted to? my head still feels a little full so i may add more later when i remember something

also i think its a little unfair to rule out the possibility of laios and him just being 2 very different kinds of ND bc its very common for misunderstandings to occur even then. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT BUT WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER! but for the sake of interpreting the Fight as a commentary on NT social rules and ND frustration, ill say toshiros NT. will we ever know? hes so far in the sidelines... youd really have to dig in the extra content to see the intricacies of his character.... please give him a chance

[kitty-thinks-stuff]

uhh little vent ig bc i feel like crap :P ‼️tw-emetophobia, mental health talk, homophobia, hatecrimes‼️

im going through a bad mental health low right now and it fucking suckkks. sometimes i forget that i have kinda shitty mental health until i go through a bad episode and this rn is a bad episode

im tired *all* the time, mentally and physically. i cant find joy in my usual interests, like genshin and hsr, which sucks bc i usually go to them for comfort?

when i play them i feel bored, or almost annoyed? like its just extra work. its fucking awful tbh, going to something you're usually excited for and just feeling. terrible

i also feel nauseous whenever im anxious, and usually im pretty used to it but its happened a lot today and i fucking hate it. and i feel anxious about EVERYTHING, bc im not. normal dude. being neurodivergent in the real world is fucking hard.

i have to mask all the time, i can only act the way that i do on the internet, or with my closeclose friends. basically all the people at my work are straight cis neurotypical people and its worse than i thought it would be. dont get me wrong, theyre great! but its so hard having to be a completely different person.

this guy asked me for my number today, this very cute, very funny guy. and i gave it to him! it was nice, i was flattered. but i know its never gonna go anywhere. im never gonna have this relationship, bc i dont feel love and attraction like a normal fucking person, and i dont feel comfortable around straight cis neurotypical people.

he didnt do anything wrong. none of them did. but i cant be myself around them, any of them, and its just exhausting.

i want to have relationships, i want to have a partner, i want to have friends. but its hard to make friends when you're constantly worried about getting fucking hatecrimed.

im always worried about getting called weird. i only feel safe on the internet, on my tumblr, where i can be myself and not feel like im gonna fucking vomit everytime i talk to someone.

i get so anxious talking to new people. and i hate it. i cant just. be like everyone else. i see all these nt people making tons of friends, and i just cant

ever since i started my job its been slammed into my face that im weird. ive been inside for so long (homeschool since about a year ago) that i forgot that not everyone is like my circle on the internet.

im not just "funny and silly" outside. im just weird. and its such a scary wake up call that i actually do have to be worried about who i talk to. what i do. what i say.

because what will happen if i slip up and mention being neurodivergent? being queer? not being cis?

im sure ill get used to it someday. i know it wont be bad forever. but fucking hell dude. im glad to get out of the house and to be making money but shit. its so hard being the weird kid again. its so much like highschool its awful.

anyways. im sure ill be fine. its been kinda icky for a while but today it really hit.

i love u guys :) ur really super fucking awesome, thank you for letting me be myself.

[gothiero]

me in the not being able to read social cues..............

[omegawolverine]

Wanna infodunp bout sumthin? Plz do (respind whenever you wanna dont even worrg bout time here)

this has been sitting in my ask box for like a week now and im so sorry about that but also the last time i posted an info dump (which, for me, means bitching my ever loving heart out about the subject, because i genuinely find it incredibly difficult to speak fondly of things i enjoy without just going "yeah i think its neat!" essentially and then forgetting all the reasons why i like it) somebody came into my replies to break the dni i made in that post, invalidate my trauma and then say i was gaslighting them for stating my own opinion so um. yeah ive been a bit hesitant to say the least, considering hot takes are basically how i show my love for things :)

but, i have now decided to just post my least inflammatory take on one of my hyperfixations in response to this and then just. leave bc i dont wanna get into drama over my dumb little opinions again.

anyways, quick dni: dont even fucking touch this post if you're going to be aggressive with me, you don't use tone tags when making corrections or criticisms or you wanna just trash my opinion. ultimately people can do whatever they want, im just expressing my own annoyances as someone who has been in the IT fandom for awhile and has some complaints as a result (as im sure most other fans do lol)

moving on...rant time:

stan uris and richie tozier are canonically best friends in IT and the erasure of their friendship in favor of appealing to reddie fans is fucking gross and weird, especially bc stan is then chalked up to just some mean jewish kid who likes birds and is annoyed by richie 25/8 instead of having an actual fucking personality in every reddie fic just bc fans want so badly to make reddie best friends to lovers and its just?? yall can make reddie best friends to lovers WITHOUT erasing stan's canonical personality. yall can make them best friends to lovers while still acknowledging that stan and richie are canonically best friends and that stan canonically was an incredibly important person to richie.

this also goes for bill and eddie btw!! its just significantly worse with stan which reads Very Wrong when you take into consideration that fic writers always write bill denbrough as a sweet little white boy who everyone's at least a little bit in love with but then write stan as this rude jewish boy who's always mean and critical of richie for just being himself (and a lot of those "annoying" traits i see people make stan give richie shit about are adhd traits, which also rubs me wrong?? like why are so many NT fic writers so comfortable with calling my ND traits annoying) which isnt even canon?? like. canonically they poke fun at each other, they call each other names and say stupid shit but not to the extent of actually hurting each other because they are best friends and they know each other to the point where they know what boundaries the other has, they arent just making passive aggressive comments at the other and then going "it's a joke bro!" when/if the other gets upset.

also?? the trend of making "fix it" fics for IT chapter 2 where eddie is revived/doesn't die but stan does and is then only brought up in passing? not fucking cute. dont call it a "fix it fic" if the only "fix it" is you reviving a character for your fucking ship, especially when the other dead character is the BEST FRIEND of 1/2 of the ship? like. what. do yall just think richie getting married would somehow fix the fact that he lost the person that he was closest to? because, news flash, the person he was closest to was not eddie. they were very close friends, richie fucking loved the dude /p and /r, but stan was canonically his best friend and was canonically the person richie was closest to like?? what is not clicking omgggg

stanley uris is an incredibly fucking important character in IT and he is especially fucking important to richie goddamn tozier. you dont just get to ignore richie's best friend and write him into this mean jewish man box because his actual personality doesnt serve your ship like for the love of fucking god stan does not need to be there to create angst for your fics, he doesnt need to be there to make your hurt/comfort piece where you make stan borderline abelist just so richie can run and cry into eddie's scrawny little arms like im begging you to just write something where the hurt/comfort doesnt come from stan being a douchebag because canonically he was not one. he was a good fucking friend, he fucking loved richie and they got each others weird asses like nobody else did.

like. idk. ultimately yall can do what you want with ur fics i guess but also it's just fucking weird if you ask me?? and maybe that's just because im a dumbass richie kinnie who absolutely adores stan, but as somebody who loves reddie and reads reddie fics regularly, it is so goddamn annoying to only see my other favorite character written in to be mean, create angst or just be fucking dead time and time again when eddie is revived and then not even written accurately half the time bc he's not a fucking fragile dude who needs help all the time either, he's a shouty little cunt who know's he can be fucking dangerous if he wants to be and he doesn't hesitate to dish out some nasty ass comments if given the chance. just please for the love of god stop writing these characters ooc its killing me fr-

(btw i know most of this shit is just done by accident and its mostly done by movie stans who havent read the book, it's just still annoying to me, ya know? and this whole post is /nm, i just talk like this bc it's what comes naturally to me!! this is how i complain about literally everything, regardless of how big the issue is so dont take this too seriously pls)

[savnofilter]

ive been getting a lot of hate asks and stuff about my dabi fic posted yesterday and i'd post about it now rather than leave for it later. *here is the comment that was in my fic that made some people upset. it's from the original doc and has now been edited out from the story itself.

when i had written it, it was ONLY in reference to the kink (chikan) itself since it is a popular genre in hentai's/pornos and an actual issue in Japan. "sick obsession" was in reference to the perversion of groping, not the people themselves. just like if i were to write something for ex; america, it would be something like, "america had a sick obsession for teacher and student relationships". the part itself just was not the best way to describe it since i directly am not from Japan. it wasnt meant to say that "japan people are xyz". i do not believe that Japanese people are rapists, and although it came across as that anyways, i do feel sorry about it because it wasnt my intention at all. if you know me, im one of the people who hate any type of stereotypes/jokes about asian people. in me explaining the quote, i am in no way excusing what was written, just explaining what i was thinking when i wrote it. i do now understand that it was insensitive, and it was my fault for even thinking it was a good idea to put in the story in the first place.

it didnt cross my mind that to any reader that it would be offensive and it's ironic considering it placed in anime fic of all places. the line wasnt removed to cover it up, it was deleted because i realized i had fucked up and didnt want anyone else to feel like that reading my story. for that anon and anyone else who took offense to it i am very sorry because i really didnt think it through and there isnt an excuse for it. just poor judgement and writing.

the second issue is that people were saying i condone/support rape now because they think the reader gets assualted in the fic. i do not write rape nor do i condone it. never in the story does reader get raped and i even state that Dabi wouldnt do that to someone (because i believe he wouldnt), especially to someone he does/nt know. in my fics i always make sure to add in that either character x reader know each other and have discussed such kink, and or character gets a definite answer to reader that they (reader) wants it. even if i were to write it, it would be for something plot wise and not just "yes good assualt" and the whole story wouldnt sexualize it. yes it was poor timing, and yes i still believe in everything ive said before and even now.

since we're on the topic of consent fics anyways, i had also freshly started receiving hate about writing dub-con only after i had made a callout post (back in july) and all that jazz. from then, i have even stepped up from my earlier works to put in the tags to make sure that it does not come across someone's dash who doesnt want it. in addition to this, i have used better warnings on my works as well. since i think it's important to discuss it now, i will talk about what i write. 45/55 of the time when i do write dub-con, it isnt for the ✨ kink ✨ or to sexualize the moment. i am embarrassed and ashamed to admit it since i have never talked about my personal life ever on my blog so to open up about this is hard and i dont want people to perceive this as an excuse, just the p.o.v of where i produce my works.

please do not make fun of or mock me, it's hard enough talking about this as is. many events in my life have led to shaping me into thinking/believing that intercourse has to be reluctant at first to really enjoy it. since i also have enough trust issues on my own to physically cope with it, i use writing for it instead. and no, this has nothing to do with aforementioned callout post either. of course i know now from proper treatment and working on myself that sex isnt supposed to be like that but it's just my outlet with getting it out. my issue with people who write non-con/rape have not experienced it or focus it mainly on being assualted just because it makes the story "hot", which doesnt sit right with me. not only this, they do not tag/warn properly either, which i do (explanation in blue).

as a reader i do think you can send me asks like, "hey, i dont like that you did this" because i can always keep that criticism in mind for my later stories. had it been an ask (or asks) that had been genuine concern would have been fine, but the fact that people are sending around a screenshot and jumping to make posts so they can get a chance to bully me again is the same toxicity i was talking about. if you were actual supporters of mine (whether you didnt like what i wrote or not), why was the thought of sending it to people who hate me the first thought to do? were you expecting me to say i didnt do it? unlike most people i can admit to my own wrongdoings.

its the fact that REAL people were offended and you guys are using it for your sad agenda to have everyone hate me. you guys are OBSESSED with stalking me even though you cant stand me. bringing up old callout posts and then trying to shove words into my mouth that arent there show very clearly what yalls true motives are. capitalizing on my mistakes and waiting for moments where i say something you dislike is NOT you playing hero, youre just toxic people waiting for an outlet to abuse someone. stop pretending to care about issues when you dont. any asks/etc related to this that are just straight up hate will not be answered.

[ofmerrit]

*  ◜  kristine froseth  ,  cis  woman  &  she/her  ◞  *  according  to  school  records  ,  that’s  merrit  antonietta  unn  hornsby  walking  on  campus  grounds  with  their  usual  iced-americano  from  the ancient  grounds  cafe  .  they’re  known  for  their  long  ,  dark  blonde  locks  outshining  their  surprisingly  tall  figure   and  are  often  spotted  at   the  versailles  garden  reading  wild  geese  by  mary  oliver  .  almost  everyone  knows  their  family  is  worth  like  1.2  billion  dollars  ,  so  we  suspect  they’re  a  member  of   olympus   ,  you  know  ,  the  one  for  old   money  .  do  you  know  where  they  were  the  night  that  the  scholarship  student  died  ?  they  claim  they  were  touring  around  the  campus  for  inspiration  ,  must  be  an  architecture major  thing  ,  right  .  and  hey  ,  don’t  you  agree  that  the  sophomore  reminds  you  of  muffled  screams  into  silk  pillows  ,  the  bellyache  you  get  after  doing  something  wrong  &  vacant smiles ?  you  better  watch  out  h e s t i a  before  something  dangerous  happens  to  you  and  life  ends  at  twenty-two  .  *  ◜  barb  ,  twenty-two  ,  gmt +3  &  she / her  ◞  *

alright alright . it’s me , wrinkle free brain bar from gmt +3 !! so pumped to be here w you sexies mwah <3 here’s merrit’s pinterest board if you’re interested ( pls im a virgo n pinterest addict .. lemme make boards for our muses .. id d*e ! ) imma . bore u to de*th w this intro pls .. forgive me .. i only hav 2 brain cells , this is all over the place HDFJK rip </3 tw: kidnapping, death.

starting w the boring statistics :     full name: merrit antonietta ‘antonia’ unn hornsby     nicknames: mer, antonia, ant, tbc.     code name: hestia ; the goddess of hearth , the family , the state & the domesticity.      star sign: libra sun , virgo moon , scorpio rising.     sexuality: bisexual.     favourite literature piece: wild geese by mary oliver ,  an anthology .                                              “meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,                                              are heading home again.                                              whoever you are, no matter how lonely,                                              the world offers itself to your imagination,                                              calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting                                              over and over announcing your place                                              in the family of things.”

merrit is the only child of the young hornsby couple. she doesn’t remember much of her childhood, according to her grandma, she was the happiest kid. had everything she could ever ask for and more. 

the reason why merrit can’t remember any of this is the beginning of a tragedy — a stormy december night, she and her parents went missing. grandma says they were gone for over five months. a kidnapping case gone cold, they thought. right when the old couple was giving up on them, an angel from above delivered antonia to their door step. malnourished, void of any memory but alive.

life after losing her parents was easier than expected, grandma hornsby ( nee du pont ) made sure merrit would recover from this without any trauma & in a way, she did.

doesn’t have the best relationship with her grandpa, he’s harsh and cranky and too smart for his own good, merrit is lowkey afraid of him lmfao 

she’s currently studying architecture — her dream major was interior design but grandpa encouraged her to pursue architecture to follow her father’s footsteps.  kinda made sense because she’s fascinated by houses .. in reality the insides, the families living there are the real source of interest for her but she’s happy to settle for outside for now gshdjkf

personality stuff !!!

uMM.... i’d say she’s lowkey a people pleaser sdhjkf like ?? making her grandparents proud is . literally the only thing she’s ever wanted in this world n now she feels the same responsibility for every single soul in her life . a torturous existence if you ask me 

can’t say no <3  if she thinks its gonna make u feel a tiny bit better . boom . she’s in .

the friend you’d call to bury a body . no questions asked . she’s pickin up the shovel as you speak asdghfjk unless it’s between her grandparents n you, then *michael scott vc* how the turntables.... sdhjfk shes rattin u out instantly rip

LOVES to talk n listen . fills her heart with joy . a blabbermouth . 

an overachiever . doesn’t sleep much, rocks the dark circles 7/24 lmfao works bc doesn’t like the idea of .. wasting life if that makes sense ??

loyal 2 a fault. mostly to olympus. wld do anything to stay in the secret society / establish her place .

extremely gentle n caring . sometimes ?? its just . too much sdjkf like. tone it down <3

likes poetry ,, especially mary oliver n louise glück ! her fav poem is the orange by wendy cope.

i imagine her wearing flowy, tulle dresses with floral embroidery or vintage pieces idk 

has shit ton of plants but struggles to keep them alive rip

!!! im . terrible at explaining her fr i hate it here ok i hav a vision but ??? i cant explain it

safe 2 say shes having difficulty deciding who she’s supposed to be . a part of her wants to be the golden child for her grandparents n the other side .. jst wants to live her life y’know ??? 

UPDATE ! i’ve realised that by hiding her secret, i also unintentionally hid a big portion of her personality and she comes across as the typical, soft & gentle soul. don’t get me wrong, she is indeed gentle and soft but she’s also volatile and deceitful !

connection ideas !!!

childhood friends - except she doesn’t remember any of it. maybe your muse thinks she’s changed. maybe they don’t care. maybe they are no longer friends . idk 

penpals - seriously ???  i imagine her as someone who writes letters jst bc they’re nostalgic n cute ??? cld be fun.

a home - i kno home’s not a person but a feeling but tell that to merrit lmao. this person’s probably the only one in the whole damn world she’d choose over her grandparents. platonic or romantic, doesn’t matter.

betrothed - super old school yikes. nt exactly betrothed either .. maybe her grandma thot it’d be better if these two were in a relationship . maybe they remained as friends . maybe they hated each other . maybe they kept the publicity stunt ( cue 2 merrit begging to keep faking the rel so her grandpa wld be happy )

exes - a classic. ts this is me trying vibes . on good or bad terms . lingering feelings ? yes please .

bad + good influence - again, classic sdhjfk

saw u at the garden but cldn’t say hi bc i’m a dumb binch - basically someone she has a minor, unrequited crush on. probably knows this person through her other friends but she’s too damn timid to take the first step

a friend from labyrinth . ok hear me out . this is a big deal for her bc she’s all in for her society n v opposed to the idea of a second one even existing . wouldn’t say shes openly mean or .. rude to labyrinth members but ?? jst . wants to protect her own , so this would be a v secret friendship .

a project - could say she has some sort of a savior complex . wants to ‘fix’ people up .. toxic much, mer? <3 anyway ashdjk maybe she thinks .. she can change your muse ? i truly dont know. 

ok final one . its juicy . someone who’s suspicious of her . she has a secret n for the obv reason i didn’t talk abt it, your muse’s suspicious n it’s just . hashtag awkward

these r the only connection ideas i have rn my brain said get tht fire exit door im off im so sorry forgive moi bUT im a sucker for angst : ) so theres that 

something inspired by my queen n savior phoebe bridgers or . folklore ?? yeah.

give me noora / william vibes . the ex friends . the dan / blair dynamic . i live for them ok sgdhfjkl

[kirythestitchwitch]

okay so like, bear with me im having some Thoughts. [child abuse cw] [physical abuse cw] [suicide mention cw] strap in.

[[MORE]]

I remember this one night in the late 90s when I was on the landline in the computer room talking to a friend from church. I was probably like 11-12 bc i was friends with this person after Titanic came out but before my parents stuffed me in private school. Anyways we having perfectly normal pre-teen conversations like "Jack Dawson is soooo hot," and "I love Dimitri's hair!" and like, somehow we got onto how annoying our parents were. normal kid shit right like idk they didn't let me read past my bedtime idk, and i didn't even have the vocabulary to say "fuck" at the time! and I kinda spun the chair I was in to face the doorway (open, rookie mistake) and fuckin there was my mother, looking pissed as hell. she made me hang up immediately and then proceeded to scream at and then ground me for being an ungrateful little shit or something. idk, I was eleven~, all I remember is that I was scared.

a few years down the line (middle school maybe) my dad was "helping" me with my math homework and like, belittling me when I did not understand it. and he got frustrated and started to walk out of the room. and i said "fuck you," under my breath. god, he came back in the room with thunder on his brow and pointed his finger in my face and whispered "Don't you ever say that to me again." I was certain he was about to hit me. he didn't, but I was terrified of it.

now, one of my coworkers (26) likes to complain about a teenager (17) that lives with her. she's her boyfriend's kid sister and her mom is dead and coworker's boyfriend didn't want to take her but she talked him into it. anyways she acts up and has threatened to commit suicide at least once while coworker has worked here. (her mother, our boss, made her come into work that day anyway but that is another fucking story) so but, coworker admitted tonight that she went "into a rage" when the teenager called her a c*nt during an argument and basically backhanded her over the couch.

so like, possibly calling cps aside, I was just kinda ruminating on the weirdly specific anger that adults get when confronted with a child that is not "appropriately grateful" and dares to insult them. I keep trying to put myself in their shoes, and like, I can see that the main reaction could be them feeling hurt. like if my child called me horrible names, that ofc would hurt. BUT. I completely disconnect at the idea of screaming at them, or fucking hitting them. I might cry, after all, it hurts when someone you love is lashing out at you. but like, can you imagine if more parents were just like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. It really hurts when you say something like that, could you talk to me about why you think I deserve to be treated like that? Because I dont."

and like yeah! that's not a magic cure all, kids aren't always gonna immediately calm down and be like, "you did this specific thing and I didn't like that," like you're gonna have to prompt them through that shit, maybe take a breather, and talk about a resolution BUT. BUT. god, if my parents had just done that instead of the way they chose to handle my ~rebellion~ like we might have actually gotten somewhere. coworker's teenager has had a shitty life and lives with someone she Knows wants to get rid of her but legally can't until she's 19. ofc she's not doing her chores and cleaning her room, and seeking validation from dudes on the internet. get her a goddamn therapist and stop having her committed! she is only fucking seventeen.

tl;dr anyways kids don't actually "owe" parents anything. try not to take their growing pains personally. be supportive. don't hit your kids, that fucking includes spanking, don't hit your kids.

[eremika-forever12]

|| Drunk In Love : Eremika Drabble ||

Flushed & drunk, Mikasa trips over someone laying below her....with drowsy eyes she finds out its Sasha laying completely flat on the ground blabbering something in her sleep....

Suddenly Mikasa started to feel all funny as she started to giggle slightly!

Ah This Wine....It is doing something to her stomach & her throat! Did she have too much of it?

Well Whatever....Its doesnt feel bad....its just she feels she is floating in some air!

Mikasa could feel....her eyes were on verge of shutting but instead she rubbed her eyes vigorously as she jumped over Sasha trying to not wake her up....

In attempt to do so she lost her balance and fell on ground with thud.

Mikasa groaned a bit as she muttered to herself- Ah my...Ass! This....is so...

Suddenly she realised she just fell infront of Eren who was laying on ground with eyes closed.

Was he sleeping? Mikasa wondered with her drunk eyes.

She realised her face was so close to him as she laid flat on the ground.

Mikasa grinned to herself while staring at Eren- Eren....There You Are! Looking handsome as ever!

His face was so close to her that she could feel her cheeks getting Warm!

She could see his slight open mouth as his eyes remained close....must have just passed out from being drunk!

Mikasa just couldn't help but stare at his face intensely as she remembered What he told her few hours back or more appropriately what he asked her!

The moon light fell on him.....making his face shine brighter as she remembered his words...

“ Why Is It....That You Care So Much About Me?”

“ What Am I To You?”

Mikasa ears got redden a bit....back then she couldn't answer honestly!

All she did was stammering in front of him & hesitantly told him that he was family to her!

Mikasa could be drunk as hell but her brain was still functioning in proper way....thats what she thought!

Mikasa lightly touched Eren's hair as she wondered Was she honest with him? At that moment? More importantly Is she honest with herself?

Mikasa dragged herself a bit crawling more closer to Eren....

She could smell his aura now...

Why did she lie back then? Why cant she just confess to him for once and all! How much he matters to her! How much she feels for him!

Mikasa could feel her eyes closing but no she cant sleep now....no matter how much her head was whirling!

She wont get such chance again in her life....being so close to Eren....stare at him whole night while he being unknown to her deep stare!

But today at the moment, her heart started to feel heavy! She felt a huge burden of emotions wanting to erupt all of a sudden!

Her eyes beemed with tears as she breathed heavily close to Eren’s cheeks.

He seems in deep sleep looking adorable as hell...

Mikasa muttered in low tone as she looked at him being all drowsy- Eren....I wish I could....just froze this....moment....with you!

She stammered as she continued- is....nt? The night.....so....cold....so...br...eezy? But beautiful?

She slowly puts her one hand on his shoulder as laid properly close to him....

Mikasa sighs as a tear unknowingly trickled down her cheek as she stared at him....feeling all dizzy...

Mikasa in low voice- I have to confess something to you....Very important! I know....you...wo..nt be listening but still I would say....as I need to release the heaviness from my chest! I wanna....be honest....with you....back then...I couldn't....couldn’t blurt out the truth....

Suddenly Eren's eyes stirred a bit unknown to Mikasa as her eyes were already closed but she kept on murmuring- You....are....You are not My....Fam...mily...Only! These feelings were....burried deep down me....since....we were small....Eren I Just Want To Say....I Always.....

Eren eyes shot open widely as he stared at the sky....

Eren's POV

My Head Hurts Badly!

My Throat Is Dry....With The Feeling Of Need Of Water!

I Feel Restless....

More Importantly My Heart....It Aches So Much! I Wonder Why!

Even Though I apparently dont feel drunk even after drinking so much!

Which is not wierd but Today I feel like Alien To Myself!

I could see my friends passing out after being completely drunk while I Just remain unaffected still trying to consume more of alcohol!

But nothing was working.....

The Pain In My Heart Was More Than Anything....

What Is Happening To Me!

Is it because of What Mikasa answered!

Well wasnt that obvious? I was indeed family to her....but then Why....

What was I hoping for?

Ah....A Last desperate chance....to feel myself worth of living....worth of being loved....

I tried to search that last hope in her....I knew what she was going to say anyway still I wished it was a different answer...

I dont know about her but lately I did start to see her in different light....

Something more than a family...I cant comprehend the feeling but it is something beautiful!

The sight of her face was a beauty to me & a sense of purity in me!

Dont know from when it all started....I started to like her in a different way....I dont know what exact word it should be....Love? Perhaps? Ahhh Me & Love! Funny it is!

I am not the person who deserve to be loved but I still hoped....if she also saw me in that different light! Or was indeed just I was a family to her!

I am hurt maybe by her answer....but perhaps its for best! She deserves better anyways! Not a monster like me!

Ah what am I even talking! I dont feel well again....I need rest , some silence from this chaos....

But I want to memorise this last moment with my friends....Ah Armin he already passed out! My eyes searched for Mikasa again....& I could see she was still drinking with Sasha being all flushed!

I smiled to myself as I laid on ground trying to find some peace by closing my eyes!

All I could see was Mikasa......

---------------

---------------

Everything is dark....I have no idea where I was at the moment....was I in my future memories! Or is it something of Dad! So hard to concentrate....I could hear chattering all around me!

Where am I? Am I Sleeping? Having some dream?

I could smell.....alcohol breath near me....

Probably from my coat....No wait someone is near me....I can feel it...

The breath touching my face....someone is saying something.....

The voice is so low....I could feel touch on my hair as the voice neared....

Mikasa? Is that you? Yes its you....I can always identify you voice but Why do you sound so unclear!

I could hear her saying “ Eren....Eren”

Her voice sounds so sexy all of sudden....Wait I think this is a dream!

“ I wish...I could....just froze this....moment....with you! “

Wait What? What is she saying? Her voice sounds heavy!

A hand on my shoulder....she placed her hand on me....her breath was more heavier now! Is it real? Is she really beside me? My head spins badly....I want to open my eyes but What if all these is a dream! I dont want to break this dream! I never get to see such dream with so much real feels!

I could hear her voice again....she is continuously blabbering something and I am having hard time to understand it!

“ I wanna....be honest....with you....back then...I couldn't....couldn’t blurt out the truth....”

Heyyyy What!!!!! What Truth? What is she talking about?

The voice has begun to reduce....but I could hear clearly now...

“ You....are....You are not My....Fam...mily...Only! These feelings were....burried deep down me....since....we were small....Eren I Just Want To Say....I Always.....”

Is she....Real? I Opened My Eyes At Once....I was so blank....I could see stars infront of me in the sky...

“....I Always Loved You “

My Heart just skipped a beat....

I turned around slowly to the side from where the voice is coming and I found myself facing her completely....Our faces so close....My nose lightly brushed with her forehead....a current passed down my spine as I moved a bit back....feeling heat rushing to my cheeks...

Her eyes are closed....She passed out from being drunk....but she was still muttering something in her sleep....and Whatever she spoke right now was all real but difference is she was not in her senses....

I found myself staring at her for a while....she looked so calm....and beautiful while being asleep...

And I noticed a trail of dry tear along her cheek on one side....Was she crying?

I hesitantly touched her cheek....

As she suddenly spoke in her sleep making me alarmed- Eren....I will...always...Love You Till End....! I dont know about you....But....My....Love Will...Follow...You...Anywhere YOU GO!

Her voice was low but I heard it all...My heart was heavy! My eyes beemed with tears...

I brushed off her hair strands away from her face without trying to wake her up....

She Just Told Me Even Though In Her Sleep What I Wanted To Hear Back Then....

She felt What I felt! Her feelings are same for me just mine are for her!

She wont even remember What she said in her sleep! Was it fair? Well maybe Yes! I dont deserve to be loved after What I am gonna do....

I felt tears welling up in my eyes....

I will be leaving Tomorrow....keeping everything behind....

The sadness is back inside me....I couldnt confess her back, maybe I wont be able to do it ever....As everything will change from tomorrow....

I dont know what the future holds after What I am going to do! Probably everything wont be same and I dont expect it to be....I stared back at the sky!

I got everything tonight....What I needed most before I start my final Mission!

I turned back to look at Mikasa who was now fast asleep as I smiled sadly & whispered- I LOVE YOU TOO MIKASA!

P.S So This Was A Small Shot On Eremika Moment Chapter 123😂 I Badly Want Something Like This Which Might Have Happened Back Then So Decided To Write It Down Myself😂 Hope you guys like it. Like, Share & Comment.

[ad1thi]

i just called to say, i love you

dont let the title fool you this isnt fluffy at all

--

an au where the phone reaches before tony has fully recovered

post cacw, angst, past stony, 5+1, implied rhodeytony. the 5 times steve called and the one time tony did(nt)

--

1.

The first time it rings, Tony doesn't pick up.

No thats not right

Tony can't pick up, because he's just woken up from a 3 month coma and is currently breathing through a tube because there's a scar across his chest the size of Steve's shield and he's surrounded by life saving machines and he can't physically reach out and pick it up

He's happy he had the foresight to sign to FRIDAY that she needed to link the phone to her mainframe, because it rings only twice before there's a small click and the room fills with a hesitant

"Tony?"

There's a beat of silence, because Tony can't talk with a tube in his mouth and Steve's voice comes out more frantic

"Tony?"

Tony's saved from garbling a reply through the tube when FRIDAY steps in and says smoothly "Boss is indisposed right now, can I take a message?"

Steve is audibly flustered, Tony can hear him rustling sheets as he sits up, and he imagines its because of the surprise that FRIDAY replied and not him

"Hey FRI, uh is Tony incredibly busy?"

"Like I said, he's indisposed. Can I take a message or should I end the call?" there's a coolness to FRIDAY's tone and Tony absently wonders who taught his girl lip while he was under

"No thats fine," Tony can feel the dejection coming in waves, and there's a small, twisted part of him that's lying on a bed clinging onto his life because of the man on the phone- that still wants to crawl over and give him comfort, "I'll just uh- I'll try later that's alright."

There's a pregnant pause and then Steve's voice filters through again, "Would you tell him I called please?"

And FRIDAY replies, "I'll note it down on his low priority list" and severs the line before Steve can respond

--

2.

The second time it rings, Tony's just gotten back use of his throat. Rhodey has been wheeling in and out of his hospital suite periodically to feed him ice-cubes, and he's too worn down to fight the mother-henning

He's got all these ideas for braces that'll help Rhodey walk, but his hands shake too much and he's too weak to leave his bed, so he lets Rhodey heave himself up on the bed frame, and dutifully opens his mouth for food and water and ice cubes

but Rhodey isn't here and the phone is ringing and Tony can't stop his hands shaking

He manages to sign pick up to FRIDAY's camera in the corner of the room, and there's a soft click and a tentative

"Tony?"

just like last time

and it makes Tony want to laugh, inexplicably, because Steve left a hole in Tony's chest and he's the one who sounds scared while Tony is stuck to a bed

"Yeah Cap?" he croaks out, and he hates how frail he sounds, how obviously weak he is

"Tony? Is everything okay?"

Steve's voice is louder now, like he's holding the phone closer to him, like he cares

"you called?" he says and he's proud of how steady his voice is, how calm it is

"Yeah yeah i did i just," he trails off; and Tony bends closer to the phone until he realises that the call is being played by FRIDAY

"I just wanted to see how you were doing"

There's a hitch in Tony's voice, he knows because Steve says "Tony? Is everything okay?" but he can't breathe and the walls are closing in on him and his senses are dulling and

and someone's holding onto him, tight and steady and Tony leans into it desperately, anchoring himself to the lifeboat

His breath evens out and his vision sharpens, and in stages, he breaths in the musky scent of Rhodey

He loosens the death-grip he has on his shirt, but he doesn't move out

its selfish, so unbelievably selfish, because he knows Rhodey shouldn't be standing on his feet, but nobody ever accused Tony Stark of being a martyr

no, Tony Stark takes and takes and takes, and then he takes some more

His consciousness comes back in stages; and Steve's frantic voice starts getting louder

"Tony sweetheart, fuck sorry, didn't mean to call you that, Tony, are you- are you okay?"

Tony opens his mouth to reply, but Rhodey's dry tone comes out

"He's absolutely fine Captain, not that its any of your concern"

There's a soft thud and Tony knows its because Steve dropped the phone

he doesn't have the energy to smile

"Rhodey, I uh, I didn't realise you were there too"

"I am wherever Tony is, at all times Captain, its what friends do," there's a hitch in Steve's voice, but Rhodey continues like he hasn't heard it, "and its Colonel Rhodes to you"

The line clicks off before Tony can hear Steve's response, and he busies himself running soft circles, loosening his throat long enough to ask

"Is that all we are? friends?" in a hoarse voice

Rhodey doesn't say anything, but he does lean down and press his lips to the corner of Tony's mouth, and that, Tony supposes, is answer enough

--

3.

The third time the phone rings, its been so long, Tony's almost forgotten that the phone exists

Almost

As in its tucked inside one of his drawers, under a bunch of old files and documents, next to a small velvet box he found hiding in Steve's socks that he never got around to throwing away

Almost

As in he curls up next to Rhodey everynight, except the nights when he's looking for someone more muscular, someone blonder, someone who isn't the man sitting next to him

Almost

As in he's healthy and the braces work like a dream and he smiles more than he doesn't, but he still reaches for it sometimes and flips it open just to stare at the screen blankly

The phone rings and it takes him a second to place the sound, before he starts fumbling for anything that vaguely masquerades as a bookmark; thumbs the phone open and holds it to his ear

"Tony?" Steve's voice sounds gruffer, more focused, like he's actually called with a purpose

Despite himself, Tony straightens, and he silently signals for FRIDAY to call Rhodey; this might be an Avengers-level threat and while Tony's healthy- he isn't quite there yet

"Cap," he says neutrally

"Tony oh thank god," Steve's panting on the other end, and Tony physically bites on his tongue to stop himself from asking if he's okay, "Its Bucky"

Tony throws the phone across the room, and it hits the wall just as Rhodey is entering

To his credit, Rhodey barely flinches, he just walks over and maneuvers Tony until he's lying against his chest; fingers carding through his hair

Seconds, minutes, hours later, Tony whispers "he called about Bucky" and Rhodey bends down to press his lips to his forehead and they stay like that until they fall asleep; coccooned in each other's embrace

The next day, T'Challa calls to inform them that Wakanda will officially be initiating proceedings to exonerate James Barnes of all his crimes, and Tony feels a visceral anger until he realises that Steve probably called to give him a heads up

Its progress, evidence that Steve no longer meant to keep things from him, but the pain still burns anyway

--

4.

The phone wakes Tony up from his sleep, trilling and buzzing and Tony groans, flipping it open and pressing it to his ear

"Its ass o'clock in the morning Steve you better be dying or so help me god I'll kill you myself"

"You," he breaks off with a hic, "you called me Steve"

"I didn't think you did that anymore," there's a slur to Steve's speech- strong enough that it percolates through Tony's brain and he sends a silent curse to the entities above because his ex has fucking drunk called him

"Its been over a year Steve," he says softly but firmly, "I've moved on"

"You've, you've moved on?" he sounds so small, like a child who lost his favourite toy; and Tony's heart aches

but not a deep, twisted ache; a milder, softer one- for the man Steve used to be

"Steve," he says patiently, "its 2 o'clock in the morning; why you'd call?"

"I just called," there's a swish of liquid, and Tony has the image of Steve cradling a bottle, curled around the flip- phone burned into his memory, "i just called to say i love you"

"i love you and i miss you and i just-" he sniffles, and something he didn't know was still in him breaks at the thought of Steve crying, "i miss you"

"Steve," he says slowly, "you're drunk, and I'm tired"

"I'm drunk, and I love you," he slurs, "and tomorrow I'll be sober, and I'll still love you"

"goodnight Steve," Tony says and pushes the phone away before he says something he'll regret

--

5.

Its the stupid goddamn flip-phone. Thats how they find him. Tony's taken to keeping it on his person because all his intel says that something big is coming, and he doesn't want to be unprepared, so its not even a thought to slip it into his pockets before he flys to bumfuck Nevada to snoop around an AIM base

and he's so close downloading everything and getting away without detection, when the flip-phone starts ringing, and then all bets are off

"Steve," Tony intones as he bends behind a desk, "this better be important"

Steve says something in reply but its lost in the sound of bullets as Tony runs across the hall and ducks behind a pillar

"Can you say that again, I missed that"

"Tony are you, are you being shot at?" Steve's voice reaches new pitches and Tony shoots at the AIM goons coming 'round the corner before slipping down to the floor below

"I was being shot at," he says plaintively, keeping his voice low as he checks the expansive space, "now im being hunted"

"Why would you pick up when you're being shot at?!" Tony grimaces at his voice

"You did give me this phone for emergencies. I thought maybe this time you were using it for what it was intended. The end of the world waits for - ," he cuts off with a grunt as a bullet hits his leg, hobbling to where Rhodey is waiting with his escape ride

"- no-one," he wheezes out once he's in the car, and Rhodey is breaking a lot more traffic law than he should be comfortable doing

"the end of the world waits for no-one, so why'd you call?"

There's silence on the other end and Tony pulls the phone away from his ear to check the call hasn't accidently been disconnected, before saying "Steve? Are you still there?"

"you told me that I was only saying I love you because I was drunk"

Its so left field that Tony takes a few seconds to place what Steve is referring to, but when he does- he can't stop himself from sighing

"Steve look I - "

"I'm coming back to New York in 10 days," Steve barrels on like Tony hadn't started speaking, "I'm coming back home and I'm sober and I still completely and utterly love you."

"The only question is," and Tony can feel Steve steeling himself, "do you still love me?"

Tony looks over to where Rhodey is driving, petting the scar against his chest absentmindedly.

The scar had not hurt Harry in 19 years he thinks when Rhodey feels his gaze and smiles; but there's a tightness in his fingers and Tony knows that Rhodey heard the whole thing

"Steve I- ," he pauses, "ask me again once you're in town"

The line clicks on the other side, and he reaches out to intertwine his fingers with Rhodey's free hand

"I'm not going to make you choose Tones," Rhodey says softly; and Tony lifts their hands so he can press his lips to Rhodey's calloused hands because he knows

There's a silent countdown in the air that week, and Tony has a mental tally of the days,hours, seconds until Steve is back in New York

Except in the end, it doesn't really matter because 9h, 30 minutes and 4 seconds before Steve is expected to arrive in New York, Tony hitches a ride to space in a donut

--

--

+1

He's seen the news

Of course he's seen the news

Its all anyone's seen, and the only reason why he agreed to the godforsaken detour so that they could pick up Vision and Wanda

It's not that he didn't want to help them, its that he told Wanda not to go but she insisted and now instead of being in New York and saving Tony he's in Scotland, saving the person who was supposed to be looking after Tony

He's seen the news

He knows what's going on

But he still can't stop staring at the flip-phone, willing it to ring

So it honestly shouldn't take him this long to pick up when it actually does ring

"Tony?" he says, and he could cry because tony's okay tony's okay tony's -

"Steve?" thats not tony

"Steve hey its Bruce. Long time. Look I know its been a while and this is all very confusing and I'll answer all your questions later but Steve, Steve you need to come back to New York"

"Where's Tony?" he says dumbly, like he hasn't been watching the news obsessively

"Tony's," Bruce's voice cracks, "Tony's gone Cap. And we need you"

Fin

[blookmallow]

weLL I GOT TO THE END

this is gonna be kind of. mixed up and out of order bc i actually finished it like weeks ago and never got around to putting together the liveblogs so like. i cant exactly remember which comments i was gonna make with which pictures/what order things happened in/etc, bear with me 

----

???? well SHIT

so like.....witchcraft and witches and all that are all stage tricks/illusions/hypnosis, which. ok a lot of “magic” can be done with technology and if this is a town where nobody is aware that kind of technology exists they’ll believe its witchcraft, BUT 

this is still a town wherein a CHILD was ‘born a witch’ (how did she Know she was a witch?? how could she do magic if she was a kid and wasnt in on the whole thing with the shades??), believed she turned her childhood goat friend into gold (meaning the shades did that to her just to fuck her up), was distraught to the point of trying to fucking DROWN HERSELF and living in hiding as a boy and presumably never saw her parents again 

what the fuck was the aim in doing that to a kid and her family

and like, this means the storyteller is directly responsible for Choosing which members of the town are going to be witches. he looks at peoples’ lives and just Decides ‘this person’s gonna get completely fucked over and live life thinking they’re a monster and having to hide from their friends and neighbors truly believing they’re going to be cast into a fire pit if anyone finds out what they are and will probably eventually have to go through a public witch trial in front of the entire town and experience the immense trauma of being sentenced to a horrible gruesome death and falling into the fire, even if they arent really hurt, and now have to live in the woods as an outcast of society carrying out whatever orders they’re given” 

and he had to have been the one who said witches can only be women!! so he decided Only Women would go through this. he decided a child and a young girl would go through this and god knows how many others 

also how the fuck did they do the thing with the witches chasing layton and luke in the beginning then bc they’re not hypnotized to believe whatever they’re told they see, 

what the FUCK

EVERYONES JUST BEEN... UNDER AMNESIA AND HIGH ON HYPNOTIC INK THIS WHOLE TIME, 

and everyone in town has a rare medical condition induced by the water that makes them fall unconscious when they hear a silver bell, bc thats...plausible,

like i guess. everyone was like. people who wanted to start over and forget their old lives for whatever reason (i was gonna call out the fact that theres children in this town but if its been 10 years its possible that young children could have been born and raised in the town since then) (but then, greyerl looks older than 10?) and consented to.... having their memories erased and being completely mind controlled, I Fucking Guess, 

IM NOT BUYING IT EITHER PHOENIX,

but like one person in the crowd was going “wait yeah i just realized i cant remember my own mother’s face!!” how....did nobody in town realize that Everyone has no memory of their childhoods or their parents or anything. surely someone somewhere would’ve confided to someone the terrible amnesia they’re suffering from and had a “wait what the fuck me too” moment and it would’ve spread. surely the people with kids would have had to think about the fact that they dont remember being a kid/having parents/etc. surely those kids wouldve asked about their grandparents or ‘what was it like when you were a kid, mommy?’ 

“now now sweetie remember, dont touch that bell OR A WITCH WILL POSSESS YOU AND MAKE YOU DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE” yea thats definitely how you talk to a child and will absolutely not backfire in any way

jfc though ‘i rang a bell that ended up causing everyone in town to fall unconscious at the same time and resulted in a fire that destroyed everything and killed everyone i know including my mom and my best friend’s mom’ is a FUCKING LOT to cope with, especially considering she was like 6,

so i guess... there is no actual real ‘bezella,’ eve the cat is. just a cat, but the name was subconscious memory of darklaw who is actually named eve and is actually the ‘grand witch’ of the woods and was in on it the whole time but isnt actually bezella or a witch but then theres no actual witches anyway, and technically i guess she is bezella bc ‘bezella’ was the one who destroyed the town and shes actually the one who rang the bell but none of that Really matters bc no matter who did it someone was going to end up ringing it anyway 

ok EVEN IF you buy ‘everyone’s been hypnotized by weird ink into believing whatever the storyteller says but dont worry about it its totally legal bc they consented to this somehow even though they dont remember, and they were told they cant see pure black so anything pure black is invisible’

A) how does no one ever hear any sound from these machines. and if you argue that the machines are only ever used when people are knocked out,

B) how does NO ONE IN TOWN ever manage to accidentally bump into one and wonder what the fuck they just ran into. how does no one ever see a bird land on it or something. the bell tower was there the whole time covered in an ‘invisible’ black tarp but the wind never blew the cloth around. no one ever walked through that spot in the middle of the town square even though the vigilantes wouldnt have been guarding it yet bc they didnt know anything was there 

alright is anyone else absolutely shipping espella and eve by the end of this nonsense though. i know shes described as being “like a big sister to her” but they’re not actual sisters, theres only a couple years age difference, and i mean, like, 

look at this!!!!!!!!! harold they’re lesbians 

see!!!!! they’re married now!!!!!

barnham is ROCKING that look 

OH FUCK!!!!!!! OH SHIT OH FUCK THERE HE IS THERE HE IS!!!!!!!!! HE!!!!! 

I WAS NT EXPECTING TO GET TO SEE EDGEWORTH AT ALL IM YELLING

also edgeworth definitely shouts OBJECTION as much or possibly even more than phoenix does so who are u calling annoying, 

god fucking DAMN he cute tho. he has absolutely no business being this cute. look at that lil nose. fuck 

[shiverprinxe]

callout post for mints “piss” antis @milkantis

is short

wears tall boots. transheight.

a weeb. may not look it at first but is such a fucking weeb holy shit.

idk what ur talking about ever on twitter but i give it a like anyway

u go u funky little levdisand

stop kinning me :/

is a writer??? but also an artist?????? and also dancer?????? what the fuck thats not allowed

wrote vore for csssa application

oppresses me

every time i interact with m*nts i feel the power of an old forgotten god channeling through my bones which is probably due to dark magic or witchcraft

threatens to steal my bones

clown kink but narcissism aint cute sis

dont ever talk to me or my various amphibians ever again or ill piss ur bed every night. every. night.

[interstellarcanid-deactivated]

some... oh huh its 7 am now. some 7 am thoughts on stuff *it’s 7:40 now oops

1) for years i prided myself on oh haha i havent cried in YEARS, i NEVER cry, and then. i dont remember when that started cracking but i hate/d? it because crying is bad  and only for weak people and it's always been some kind of THING maybe some fucked up display of strength not to cry or make a sound when being hurt and i dont even want to get into where i picked that up from but it was from him and that isnt surprising but it's fucked up and now i get weird about emotions

2) another thing that's more weird than that is how silence for me is a learned thing, because i am not sure i am naturally..... like This like i don't generally as a rule speak unless spoken to which doesnt sound weird on its own but then at the same time they were punishing me for periodically being nonverbal but then........ ?? this is another thing that isn't neat and easily understood or boxed and. thats necessary *but as an afterthought yes i talked a lot but it was never ever up to NT standards and obviously being nonverbal is...... also not NT standards so. makes sense scoob

3) this room really is a lot smaller and a lot heavier than i remembered it and i always feel vaguely like i'm choking like the air in here is pressing down on me and it doesnt feel good and nothing feels good really but especially not. that. even with the fab running it still feels bad, inorganic

4) i wonder how B feels about all of this. i should... probably ask her really? but then again i try not to talk to anyone over that end unless they come to me because there are some weird dynamics happening almost like a subgroup of the main system which is made up of. B, solaris, probably kan, samuel, and a few others too and. all of those people barring kan have weird feelings towards me and i even think. some people are... mad? at me for things like not protecting this better and all this shit but i'm. that should never have been something i had to do in the first place and it's not like i didn't try but in the end i haven't done a good job of it and probably just made things worse which is probably why we have a surplus of caretakers i guess.

(We don’t hate you. None of us do. We know you did your best. Things would have been a lot worse if you didn't do the things you did, and it's not your fault that you couldn't stop them. I don't think anybody could have, which is why you need to try and stop concentrating on the what-if's and move towards the I'm-scared-but-I'm-doing-it-anyway side of things, because nobody can stop them. You know that. We all know that. Has anyone ever done anything to stop them? No. They get a slap on the wrist at best. There are people who want to help, and letting them might be the only way to end this. It's not weakness, it's not giving up, it's none of that.)

5) i don't know how i got this far how i even survived everything but i have and thats something i guess

[heartsoftruth]

Many cules need to chill, we are barca fans not neymar fans , if neymar and his father are looking for money more than his future he can leave , maradona , ronaldinho , puyol , xavi all those left ane we still doing good so just in case neymar feel too important he can leave , like one day even messi will leave and we will be doing fine so neymar need to stop this drama , anyways i never felt that neymar has a love for the club he just enjoyed the fact that he playef along messi , iniesta, xavi

FC Barcelona will still be Barça without Neymar. No player is bigger than the club - tho I think Cruijff and Messi come close - but other than that no one. 

Of course I am a Barca fan. I was before Ney and I’ve always said I will be after Ney, but I’m also a fan of him. 

I mean when I first heard we were going to get Neymar I was ?????. I heard of his name but didnt know much of him. I searched for him on YouTube, liked what I saw and couldn’t help but fall for his style of play (I love the Brazilian type of play), how he plays with his heart and after the presentation I thought wow he looks like a sweet kid. I searched more for his personality, interviews, Santos TV videos, his episodes and couldn’t help but also see what a great person he is. Funny, but also a little mischievous.I know he is a bad tempered, social media crazy and like to party kind of guy that some find very annoying. I know he has flaws and I’m always the first one to tell it if he’s acting like a little shit, but I can not say I am not a Neymar fan. 

I mean in all the years he played at Barça the kid grew on me like no other player ever has. He makes me wanna scream sometimes and I know there’s always some sort of controversy/drama around him, but he’s ‘my’ Neymar you know… 

(read more at your own risk. I was getting carried away and dramatic....You know me)

I was there to see him struggle here at the beginning then see him go down during the WC, but I also saw him play one of his best seasons ever for Barcelona. I saw him win the treble and score in the CL final ( a dream of him), I get nominated for the BdO and make it to the top 3.

I saw him have lows (the Copa, WC 2014, beginning of the Olympics, era with DUnga) with the NT and I saw him rise again during the Olympics and WC 2018 qualifiers.

I started this blog so that I could talk to more people about Barca/ football and Neymar. I mean… I have this blog dedicated to a player who plays for my favorite team, but what do I do with it IF HE MIGHT leave??? I have no idea. I really don’t. You dont think I am conflicted? I dont wanna think about it, but of course I think about what if he… *sighs*…

He’s still will be a favorite player of mine. I can’t shut that off.  If he would go to RMA he wouldnt even exist to me, but I can’t ignore him even if he would play for P$G. I would still want to see him play and see him do what he did last night.

My heart got broken by my first Brazilian fave years ago. Badly. When Kaka went to RMA. He never played for us of course and I wasn’t as invested in him as in Ney, but still that hurt really badly. Even more when you know that that transfer didnt do him any good.

And it might get broken again…

So I really hope that he will at least play for Barca for ½ years more. Because I don’t wanna see him leave us. He has so many prices to win still. Here. I hope he will do whats good for him. 

[victakestaipei]

Overcoming My Cliff-jumping PTSD & Weekly Pool Parties

I woke up at 7:15 and I'm so glad I had already packed my stuff for the day. I jumped out of bed, threw on my clothes, brushed my teeth and headed out. I was DYING INSIDE. Super hungover. Running to the bus stop. I took the bus to the MRT station because it would have taken too long to walk, and then I took the MRT to Taipei Main Station which is where the group was meeting (at 8am). Taipei Main Station is the branch that connects Taipei to the outside world (the rest of Taiwan). There's a bus station, the TRA (which is the train system that travels outside of Taipei), and other forms of transportation there. It's really the hub/hotspot of the city. Jeannie and I ended up on the same subway train so we arrived together at Taipei Main Station, and on time! To my surprise, there was about 40 of us going!! A huge huge group. I was excited to meet people, but I knew that traveling in large groups takes 10x as long as it normally would. And it did...... The struggle to get to our destination was literally hilarious. And hot. And sweaty... Thank god I had my coffee that morning at the train station.

After taking the train to Ruifang, we walked down the main street of the town then hopped on the bus, which would take us up the mountains to where the snorkeling/cliff jumping area was located. The bus segment of the trip was a mess. A hot, humid, and cramped mess. Imagine 40 sweaty college students forcing their way onto a city bus because they didn’t want to wait 30 minutes for the next one to come... Not fun. But luckily I was one of the first few people to get on the bus because I was NOT PLAYING NO TYPA GAMES!!! I even got to gnab a seat, so I didn’t have to stand the whole time. ;)

my face the ENTIRE bus ride    v

The views from the bus were pretty beautiful though!!! We passed quite a few touristy spots on the way up the mountain. One being the Golden Waterfall. This was exciting for me because I had this destination on my list!! And I got to knock out two birds with one stone today. The Golden Waterfall is special because apparently you can’t even touch the water because it’s poisonous! Wild. The water trickling down the waterfall is a gold color because of the combination of regular rainfall in this mining area and the abundance of heavy metal elements that are deposited in the riverbed. Neat-o!

The famous spot we were headed to is called “LongDong", meaning Dragon Cave. The area of Ruifang also has the famous JiuFen street. The JiuFen area and famous teahouse is what the town and teahouse in the movie Spirited Away is modeled after. This location is a huge tourist spot, and would be a day-trip in itself. I didn’t get to pop by JiuFen today because it would've taken at least 3 hours to really enjoy.  :( Next time!

We didn't get to the snorkeling rental spot until around noon. Meaning, we had been traveling and waiting and walking for about 4 hours at this point. And I'm running on 3.5 hours of sleep. I was a grouch. But once I got the rental gear I perked up a bit. The rental gear only cost 150NT, which is about $5 (US)... And we were given a snorkel mask, life vest, and little booties. 

After grabbing all my stuff, and changing into my swimsuit, we hitched a ride from the snorkel rental people down the narrow road to the water. We sat on the back of a flat bed truck, and I think that's where I lost my pants... Good thing I brought two pair!! About 20 minutes into the hike I realized I didn't have my pants with me and I think the truck ride down was when I lost them. :(

Anyway, Once there at the end of the road, we then had to HIKE to get to the location. There was a lot of people in the water snorkeling, but the spot we wanted to go to, was more central and where the "party was at". So we hiked about 15 minutes deeper into the cliffs so that we could find the perfect spot. We finally arrived, put our stuff down, and took photos! 

Afterwards we hopped in, snorkel gear in hand, to take a look into the clear blue water. There was tons of fish in the area. There wasn't a lot of variety, but the amount of fish in general was a lot. I maybe saw like 5-7 different types of fish, just in large large amounts. 

It took me forever to get the guts to jump off the larger cliff (pictured above), because I feel like I have some lingering PTSD from the last time I went cliff jumping. Before my freshman year of college, I went cliff jumping with some friends at Nelson’s Landing, which is on the Colorado River outside of Vegas. My friend Brien, is the guy that can get you to do anything. He just has that type of personality. So he convinced me to jump off this super high cliff with him... I'm talking like 50-60 feet. I didn't want to, but I finally came around, and found myself toes-on-the-edge, looking out into the water... We counted to three and jumped. I screamed. Loud as hell. I screamed and screamed and then realized I was still falling. I had run out of scream and was still in the air.. Like those roller coasters where you scream after the big drop and you run out of scream and you're still going downhill and your stomach starts to feel heavy??? Like that. As I approached the water I could feel my legs lifting. I tried to stay like a pencil so that the landing wouldn't be as painful, but right towards the end of the fall, I started to panic (after running out of scream) and my legs lifted and I was in a pike position when I hit the water. So basically I landed on my tailbone. After surfacing the water, I immediately could not feel my legs. I started crying and screaming for Brien (who is in the water next to me and landed in perfect form and is also a lifeguard) because I couldn't move my lower half and started to drown. I thought I was paralyzed. He grabbed me and swam to the cliff's wall so that I could hold on to it and calm down. I slowly began to regain feeling in my legs (thank you JESUS) but I suffered a sharp pain that would run down my back and tailbone which lasted weeks after that trip. And THATS WHY U DONT CLIFFJUMP KIDS. OR LISTEN TO BRIEN CAMPBELL. EVER.

Anyway, let’s switch gears here... so I'm here on the top of this cliff in Taiwan. Once in a lifetime, looking out into some extremely clear blue water, while a bunch of friendly young Asian people yell "Jia You!!! Jia You!!!" (pronounced: "geeyah-yo" and meaning "go!") trying to encourage me. I exchanged a few words (in my head) with God and jumped off the cliff alongside Jeannie. I screamed the whole way down but needless to say I'm alive. And the rush felt awesome. And I didn’t touch any coral even though the clarity of the water makes it feel like the coral is right there beneath the surface... After a few hours at the cliff jumping and snorkeling site, Jeannie and I were extremely sunburned and ready to head home. But not before taking some model-esque photos ;)

such majesty wow wow 

On the facebook event page regarding today’s trip, it said we would arrive back home around 6pm. But Jeannie and I didn’t want to wait that long... we were ready to GO! As we hiked back to the small road that led us to the water, we met some people who were also in our large group (of 40+ people). One of them was a local Taiwanese guy named Hank, and as it turns out he drove to the cliff jumping area, and didn’t ride the bus like the rest of us plebs. One thing led to another and Hank ended up letting Jeannie and I hitch a ride with him and some other foreigners so that we didn’t have to take the bus. Hank mentioned this pool party at a water park that was going on, which is where he was headed, and he invited us to tag along. And of course we did. The 7 of us (three Canadians, one English girl, me, Jeannie, and Hank) piled into his SUV and headed back to Taipei. But not before stopping at 7/11 to get snacks and BEER!!! Holla ;)

I thought I saved the pictures on snapchat that I took of us in the car... but it turns out I didn’t :( So I don’t have any pictures of Hank and the rest of the gang, but it was great meeting them and I’ll probably see them all again before I leave in August!!

When we arrived at the water park, I was SHOOKETH. First of all, the water park was huge, with a bunch of foreigners, a bar, a dance floor, three water slides, two shallow pools, and a lazy river that winded it’s way around the whole thing. It was crazy. What was even crazier was that it only cost 200 NT to get in! (less than $7 US). They were playing all the top 40 hits, from Drake, to 2 Chainz, to Kendrick Lamar. It didn’t even feel like I was in Taiwan anymore!! It felt like I was back in the States!!!! Also, I found out that they do this whole party thing every saturday in the summer! I will definitely be back (and I will take more pictures next time).

I got hit on more than I wanted to (not that anyone wants to be hit on necessarily... but I think part of the reason why was simply because there were hella African dudes at the pool party.) I also got hit on by two Taiwanese dudes who approached me together, and got some smiles and head nods from white guys...White guys never really acknowledge my beauty... maybe that’s just an American white guy thing... but nonetheless I was feeling myself ;) Plus I was drinking at the bar and had that huge beer on the car ride over, so Jeannie and I were having a jolly good time!

We stayed at the pool party until about 7:30pm.. I was pretty slumped from the long day and was still running on those 3.5 hours of sleep. I headed to the nearby Gongguan street market to grab some food before taking my tired/wet butt home. Once home I took the longest shower ever and crawled right into the bed. Despite how tired my body felt, I couldn’t get myself to hit the hay until about 2:15am. *eyeroll*. But I think that also has to do with the excitement from the day!! Such a great great day. I love Taiwan.

[sxulpix]

! you can ignore this i am complaining once again !

ok so i know u guys r probably tired of me always complaining but im doing it again

i move into college in like 10 days and im extremely scared and nervous both about classes and bc im scared i wont get to go?? i dont know why but its always at the back of my mind when i talk about it bc what if something goes wrong n i let everyone down bc i cant go

also i dont even have any of the stuff i need yet and im stressin about that. and i think im the most worried about my major? im majoring in biology bc i wanna help animals but i am so worried that i wont be good at it or that its nt really what i want to do but theres just nothing im good at. nothing. and whenever i think about it i get sick and feel awful because i thought i had a direction!!! i thought i knew where i was going and what i wanted but then i feel like i dont and im just

also my relationship with my parents is so fucked up and awful. my dad moved out on fathers day and ive seen him 3 times since and everytime ive wanted to cry bc i dont want to see him but at the same time i do??? and my mom all she ever seems to talk about anymore is how much money everything costs, how overworked she is and how much shes doing, and about my dad. it seems like every fuckin thing she says is tryign to make us feel bad like its somehow our fault

also my bro isnt goin to college bc his university is a piece of shit n denied him a single room bc apparently his anxiety disorder isnt as important as people who have been there before wanting a single room just bc

anyway im extremely stressed!!! and sad!!!! and im trying not to get bad again especially with school coming up but its just!! rly hard and i relapsed last week just a bit but i did it and i wanna do it again and im just havin a bad time lately

ok im done sorry