#and i cant work anywhere else
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im doing a really bad job at staying hydrated:(
#i dont mind the heat its just my room in particular seems to work like an oven esp with my pc on#and i cant work anywhere else#im trying to stay hydrated but god our tap water. ebem filtered. tastes so so bad#7
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tw disordered eating (not in explicit detail)
Whenever i write Yusuke and his relationship w the thieves, i try to emphasize that Yusuke was in a really really Really bad space not only mentally (like the others) but physically; hes bone-stick thin and you can feel his ribs jutting out if you go for a hug. Hes a bit gaunt in the face and hes got next to no muscle mass. He tires easily and hes kind of a shit fighter bc of it. The metaverse fills in the gaps a little bit, but his body is still very frail and unprepared to transition to an active lifestyle after years of surviving off of such a bare bones calorie diet. For my Akira, it is the driving force behind wanting to takedown Madarame; hes a sucker for a pretty face but hes also unable to look away from someone actively wasting away because of the actions of their guardian.
If any of them try to mention Yusukes physical state or diet, he often deflects, angrily, reminding them that he is abnormally tall, and that that obviously contributes to his thin (frail) stature. Its very hard to get him to eat while theyre in saferooms, and he often lags behind while exploring the museum. He cant stay in combat for too long, and at some point, Akira debates if he should even allow Yusuke to stay on the team; if he passed out or Worse under Akiras watch, hed never forgive himself.
BUT. As the thieves gain his trust, Yusukes a bit more willing to indulge them. He learns quickly that they arent pitying him like he initially assumed (he is far too aware of how much he feels like hes neglected his own body; and how others can easily see that neglect). They routinely eat and hang together bc thats just how they bond, and theyre just trying to invite him into their circle properly. Akira has zero experience w this kind of thing, but Ryuji and Ann are athletes and models respectively; theyre both in fields that encourage that kind of self destructive behavior, and they have some kind of insight into how to avoid falling for those same traps, and helping people who Do end up in those scenarios.
(Anns parents, despite their absence, do their best to prepare her for how cutthroat the modeling world is; to keep her from developing the kind of habits and mindsets that let young men and women destroy themselves. ESPECIALLY bc my Ann is a plus sized model. And Ryuji, as a promising track star, would know how bad it can get for professional athletes, the lengths at which theyd go to maintain their positions and ability to compete. Hes a gym rat who loves food and nutrition and knows what he needs to keep himself fit, and thats all he really needs)
They cant feed Yusuke the way they WANT to bc hes already so thin, so they just let him take from their plates to sample things and let him feel included. He starts taking up Ryujis offers to go get meals together, even is Ryuji ends up taking almost an entire extra serving home as takeout. He lets Ann drag him away to the crepe shop and her other little snack havens, even if he only leaves w a small chocolate of sorts to take home. He lets Akira make coffee and curry for them to split when he comes to Leblanc. And maybe he lets Sojiro cook a full plate for him to take back home to eat at his leisure and away from prying eyes. Yusuke goes from bitter to extraordinarily fond rather quick, and he finds himself angry that this is yet another thing Madarame has stolen from him.
By Futabas palace, hes filled out enough that Akira doesnt immediately panic when Yusuke gets tossed onto the floor by some brute of a shadow, worried that hed shattered every goddamn bone in his body on impact. He doesnt have any real muscle by any means but his face has the faintest bit of cheek fat that Ann is able to pinch w her evil little hands, and when he looks in the mirror, the ribs peek out but they dont jut out. His breathing is better, his skin is just Pale and not Ghostly white, hes got a healthy flush when he laughs at Akiras stupid puns, and he finds himself allocating a bit more of his budget towards stocking his fridge. Sometimes, Akira can even convince him to people-watch out in the sun instead of in the subway tunnels.
At some point, Yusuke becomes very vocal about things he wants, but importantly, about Food he wants. He will eagerly allow his friends to treat him if they ask, and he picks whatever sounds nice to his ears or whatever Ann and Ryuji recommend him. Part of it is due to him feeling safe enough to ask for such things; the thieves kinda laugh about his eccentricity and forwardness, but Akira, Ann and Ryuji know how different and comfortable this Yusuke is compared to the one they met. Its silly but its good; he gets to act like this bc the thieves let him be forward- they let him voice his wants and needs without a fight.
By post game, hes got the barest hint of a tummy pouch, and Ann will attack it relentless with a firm poke whenever hes foolish enough to stretch and lift his shirt to expose it. She thinks its cute 😭 Shes really happy to see it, bc she thinks of Yusuke all skin and bones and angry and scared like a feral dog barking mad, lashing out at any help they offered and working himself sick (figuratively and literally) trying to help make things right. It makes her so sad recalling it, so she likes to remind herself that hes okay now, even if hes a little embarrassed by it. She knows Akira and Ryuji do the same, inviting Yusuke to hang and just see him w their Own eyes that hes better, and that they did the right thing by insisting he join their little ragtag group.
#persona 5#yusuke#long post#i loooooove him#inspired by vines post about characters gaining weight as they get older#its not EXACTLY the same but it reminded me that ive wanted to make a post about this for ages#yusuke and his frail lil hollow bird bones….#for perspective; i hc him as 6’4 to 6’6 (cant settle on one quite yet#or 193 to 198cm (assuming i converted it right)#so hes Very tall and extremely skinny. like Akira is 6’0 and even hes like bbygirl u are going to fly away in the wind#i think Yusuke will always be a little thin; as he gets older; his metabolism works as intended#but it just burns everything lighting fast.#the tummy pudge stays forever tho; fat does not stick anywhere else on his body but that little pudge and hes indifferent about it#no one can tell anyway since he wears these long and loose dress shirts#and he doesnt work out at ALL unlike the rest of the thieves (sans futaba)#so hell never really get any kind of muscle definition or even get closed to being toned#but thats better for him; he has better things to do than fret over his appearance#he has ART to make and friends to dine with
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well if imagining gambit sitting next to you and talking you out of a nervous breakdown is helping, then who am i to judge
#i just got off my 8 hour shift#usually im able to do some small modicum of schoolwork but today was the office halloween party all day. in my section#so instead of doing anything useful i ended up watching 4 movies blasting on the tv bc i cant go anywhere else#and now i have a 2 hr half class and then divorce house later Brother Im Tired. i need to work on this presentation i have no time to read
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I have reached the point where i cried on a vc for an hour with bestie then cried to mom bc college doesn't feel like home anymore
#and half of the sesh was basically me and bestie crying bc both of us are not able to get the comfort zone we had anywhere else#ALSO I HAVE TO FUCKING PUBLISH A FUCKING RESEARCH PAPER TO GET A DEGREE#And we have to start work already and labs and presentations and assignments#I CANT WRITE A LITERATURE REVIEW ON A 70 Pg RESEARCH PAPER FFS
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when faced with a sorceress with decades of magic expertise and a plan years in the making, using a dangerously powerful magic tome and summoning circle to summon a literal god, with tons of magic energy stolen from other sorcerers, and her solution is "just hit it really hard"
#and it worked#who needs strategy when you have Hammer#you literally cant get this shit anywhere else i love it#she is the stupidest smartest person ever. i say this with love#tamb#mny#chise hatori#the ancient magus bride#mahoutsukai no yome
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the little jrue is Traumatized by the Horrors of working fast food
#me receiving surgeon of the yr award for a job i literally just started and consider part time nd dont consider myself that job title#i used to volunteer my help around the rlly Rlly bad traumas of chicago and was begged employment#management is weird af of course bcs it's basically one burnt out bitch with a bunch of other burnt out bitches (everyone else) and very#VERY understaffed. hence my last second 16hr i survived#i cant even go in depth anywhere on what i do vs what i get billed for cus yea. does not even compare#but yea it's str8 up pitiful this job economy and it always will be#at least struggle in smthing u like or struggle on the side while u work a real one or watever idc#OH a funny thing to note i drive past a sign of demar in a bulls uni cus they didnt take it down yet#and it's riddled with Gun Shot Wounds like it's hilarious#id take a photo but it's on a busy road where u get yelled at not for going over 50mph#why is his hat shaped like the butt of a bread loaf lol
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𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔
#it hurts but it is natural and im not oversensitive and im allowed to feel this way#the future i had envisioned and hoped for and believed in was just.. suddenly gone and im allowed to mourn the loss#because for an entire year i've been wanting this. and imagining it and thought of ways it could be real#and i didnt base my feelings only on imagination but on his words and him saying that we should figure out whatever was between us#and in the way we talked and what we shared and how he did start treating me as 'his girl'#which i also do not think was irresponsible nor am i upset by that. bc i wasnt 100% present bc of my avpd stuff#but it was so amazing and he was so amazing and i'd been having feelings for him for half a year before and then i only fell more and more#im trying to be as non specific as possible bc like i can only talk abt *me*.. but there were just sm other things and circumstances#so it got less and less intense.. and i wanted to give him space and patience and not push smth on him and be insensitive#then i told him abt being in love w him and wanting to be there for him w his struggles and working it out together#and im embarrassed af but i had honestly thought... that would be met well and with reciprocity...#(i understand that feelings cant be forced & im not upset or feel betrayed i just felt v sad bc i was so sure he would want me to be his gf#but i got neither a clear rejection nor much of what he was thinking abt me and what was between us. mostly just that it wasnt a good timin#so again i wanted to respect that and not keep push it. even if i tried bringing it up sometimes it never got anywhere and it didnt feel#right to just keep and keep on doing it. then there were times when i /felt/ rejection and got more hope based on interactions#truly i've been walking around for a year believing that this was smth that would come true if only we could talk#and i've been waiting and hoping and loving. and i've really been thinking of it as a real future#i even tried telling him a few months ago that if he wants me he can have all of me but he told me to stop so i did#and now i've learned that none of my devotion or hope was returned... i've been in this waiting room all alone all this time#i thought i was patient bc of all the other things but he couldnt give me a chance but he did for someone else and that just hurts#idk it hurts bc this love and connection meant so much to me and i wanted to do anything to make it work#and when u realize all of a sudden that it was only u who felt that and that future u so badly thought would happen isnt real#.... i feel extremely lost and despairing. plus it just is how i feel but i've only been this connected to him#honestly it might sound weird how i can feel this much for someone i've never met irl but he has been my only hope and comfort#for the past years he hs been my only comfort and the only thing making me feel good and ok and hopeful.... so it hurts it hurts it hurts!!
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I just wanna watch doctor who please i just wanna watch doctor who that's all I want please im begging you
#its not on any streaming services that i can find and ive been LOOKING#i thknk theu took it off max and we dont even have that anyway#the place i was pirating it on was ASS like i fr could not figure out what was happening#and i dont even know if that site still up??#it was legit called like watchdoctorwho.com or smth#i just wanna watch doctor who#fucking christ#AND.the place i was watching it. only had eccleston to matt smith (maybe to capaldi? but i dont think so)#so if i it DID still work#i cant watch og doctor OR the newer seasons#why does god hate me#post posting#please someone if you know where to watch doctor who anywhere please let me know#i will love you forever and ever#doctor who#what else do i tag this#dw#??#im in the us btw i thought i mentioned that
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#what do you call it when a mind is lacking in depth of m thought? is there a word for that?#because all my mind can do is spin in tiny circles. never push any further. no depth of thought#i cant even carry out this line of thought to completion in my head. i have to write it down like this or else it remains stuck in an eddy#its so frustrating. when my thoughts are pressured i spin so fast it feels like my head might pop but the thoughts never go anywhere#bc they just repeat the same god damn things all thr fucking time. they drag me around in circles. then when im feeling low or even like#normal. my head just feels empty and it freaks me out. i have no intersting thoughts to think. theres nothing behind my eyes#possibly its just my brain on 0cd. but how am i suppose to escape the spiral if its in my own head? i guess im just supposed to changr my#reaction to it. recognize what it is and let it go. but i dont like it#i just want to curl up on a warm tile floor. press myself into a quiet corner and not think anything#in an aquarium or a conservatory. specifically the conservatory in Columbus. i love that place#i went there for my birthday when i was like 12 bc i liked it so much. the botanically gardens and the butterflies and the stained glass#i dunno. i just like it there. ugh. im just tired#god. there was a really cool talk today and im always like im not that inattentive lol but then i cannot for the life of me follow a talk or#read a paper all thr way through. my short term working memory is just a tiny little cup. easy to overfill#so i miss mostly everything. its so frustrating#its all frustrating. whatever. back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. probably up thr lamicta1 dosage#bc im past where i was last time i had a reaction to it 💪#i just wish i wanted to draw. drawing just makes me tired and impatient rn#unrelated
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i hate that i always get frustrated all the time.. im unable to enjoy my hobbies or going out with friends.. it's like im very much obliged to programming all day and i dont have any life outside it i hate it honestly
#not to blame my college but it's literally the very reason i started working all by my own limiting any social interactions and hobbies#yet i dont even feel like im going anywhere with this i feel so fucking shitty all the time it sucks#all because i fucking hate this college and this fucking course and i just want to get out of this hellhole i dont belong here#if only i could start over from high school again if only i got my shit figured out back then#if only i had a better mentor who would help me with my entrance test prep...#i wish i didn't trust those asshole hs teachers they literally fucked my life over.. all they care about is how much paid they're getting..#..and not how much they're teaching their students.. fucking assholes i hope y'all burn in hell i hope you guys get what you fucking deserve#for fucking over lives of several students like me just for money#well... just gonna cry myself to sleep now what else can i do#i cant change the past anymore better work towards the future
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My dad just sort of dropped that we might be moving across the country and i dont know if he is joking or not but i am panicing
#i honestly dont know hwta to do#my oartner lives here i work here i have lived here all my life i dont want to go anywhere else#you cant just hihi haha drop this kind of shit to an autistic person
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i love my brain i love when something pretty amazing happens like ur dad offering to help you start a business and instead of being happy im sobbing about how i hate my job and i feel so trapped bc i literally am trapped in this very specific field
#whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy did not just do something i enjoyed at college. i could have gone on to uni and actually enjoyed it and enjoy my life#and enjoy my future job#but no i had to do something that would make it easy to get a job#well congrats it was easy to get a job and i fucking hate it#and i didnt need the college quals to do this anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i could be studying something i like AND doing this job#and i cant do anything else bc my qual is so specific#but also not a high enough level to be useful anywhere#and i cant go to uni in this field bc theres nothing i want to do and i already applied an no one wanted me#and i cant apply for uni for a course i actually want to do bc of our stupid fucking system#which means i need relevent a levels which i dont have i dont even have relevent gcses#and also yeah ill just start my own fucking business like its just that fucking easy#i hate this fucking job and im too disabled to suvive even the 2 hours a day im doing right now#but sure ill just start a whole fucking business yeah why didnt i think of that#i swear he thinks he can just buy these things of the shelf like a tv. which is basically what he did#a care company will not work like that boyo and i dont want to anyway#god. i just hate this. why didnt i follow my passion#and i have COVID and my nose is bleeding so i cant even cry properly about this#i want to dissolve into a puddle
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girl i have to give a presentation tomorrow morning abt how social media has decimated journalism and news media (duh) but google is literally so non-functional now that i can hardly find ANY sources about how disastrous pivot to video was
#like.. i lived thru it i listened to a podcast abt it last week#but i cant find anything anywhere#i found one academic article with old atlantic articles linked#and i can get around the paywall w internet archive etc#but i cant find anything else organically#its just insane. its just bonkers.#i was listening to someone talk abt how their old articles from 2014-2015 were like lost media now even to them#and YEAH#where the FUCK IS ALL THIS WRITING I REMEMBER READING#its like 'i remember the facebook algorithm did this and had this effect'#then i search for that specifically#and i find nothing#why doesnt google work anymore
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#(( ooc. ))#venting tw#negativity tw#gonna try to do some writing today but motivation is real low.#i guess that's what happens when you get called stupid useless and lazy to your face by someone who then expects you#to bow and scrape and wait on them hand and foot#and also now im expected to pay the electric bill on top of doing all the housework. literally all of it. in a home of 3#fucking adults. and bow im also the one having to handle a lot of maintenance work around the place on top of keeping#it spotless bc no one else 'feels like doing it'#and the whole time i get to be insulted and told that im fat. stupid. lazy. while im cleajing up their messes. and fixing stuff for them.#and doing a bunch of cooking bc they get pissy if i dont also feed them on top of doing literally all the housework. and maintenance work.#and also now being expected to pay half the electric bill. again house of 3 people. and im not even allowed to take a hot shower when i need#to in order to get the pain spikes under control from yknow. flaring up my fibro from overworking myself CLEANING AND TAKING CARE OF THE#DAMN HOUSE FOR THEM#bc it takes too much electricity. the electricity i mostly paid for last month#sorry i needed to get that out#suicide tw#abuse tw#not me debating offing myself bc theres no end in sight and no way out and i cant keep going from one abusive situation to another#and just trying to survive. almost 30 yrs old and ive never once felt safe or at home anywhere ive ever lived. not once. in almost 30#years have i ever felt safe. or like im my own person. or that im valued. or wanted. or listened to. not once in almost 30 years#have i ever felt like im actually loved (wanted) beyond my usefullness.#shit sucks man. anyway sorry for the spam of negativity lately. im not trying to be a downer.#gonna go hang out in my inbox for a while and see if anything pops out that my muses wanna jump on 🤞
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#I'm literally never going to own a home of my own#I'm going to live and die in the same house as my parents and I'm never going to have my own space to call my own#to make my own or to spread out and have my own space#People wonder why I don't feel like a fucking adult#and I can tell them plain as day that it's because I live at home with no job and all I do all day is draw read and look at fucking#fictional shit all day#sure I work on the property but so fucking what#I'm still just wasting away at home with no life no friends nothing to do#I dont want to volunteer anywhere because it's only hard labor shit and I cant physically do those things#and the only other volunteer shit around me is church stuff and I will NOT be helping any churches anywhere fucking ever for anyone#idk#I try to meet people and I have nothing to talk about#everyone else seems to be having their own lives with shit going on and multiple social circles and here I am unable to even string togethe#more than two sentences because it usually only takes that long to get to “so what do you do?” and I have to figure out a way to explain#that I'm living at home with no job no friends and no life in a way that doesn't look fucking pathetic as fuck#I'm not well educated so I just fall behind in most conversation#I can't contribute so whats the fucking point#The only people I have to talk to are my parents because what else am I gonna do? I can't keep complaining to you guys all the time#not like it's going to change anything#if anything it will just make people avoid me more for always being a fucking downer all the time#my parents vaguely get my frustration but they can't do anything#not like we have money or connections of any kind so there's no 'setting me up' with other people my age#honestly I just wish the fucking internet would go away#maybe then more people would get out of their houses and go outside and meet people#idk i'm just fucking done with everything#I'm so numb and so tired and so lonely and I don't know what it is I want because every time I meet someone knew it's like I can't get clos#I don't feel ready for a relationship but I also feel like I'm fucking wasting away alone by myself and I really crave closeness#but I'm also not a dating person#I'm not here to waste another 5 years to someone just fucking around#i want a life time relationship
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[Whoever the baby bat goth was that walked past me in the gas station parking lot, I'd like to apologize that you had to witness me skuttling around with the entire stock of bug juice, I really hope you have a good day]
#for context I'm still in my greasy work clothes my hair is tied back toddler mode on my forehead with a rubber band because i cant handle it#and i just went and dumped like 40 bottles of bug juice into the little container on the back of my velocipede#to be fair i dont come to this gas station ever i was worried i wouldnt be able to find it anywhere else#modposts
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