#honestly I just wish the fucking internet would go away
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in the sugar and spice universe, the boys know that she cams and i assume that she’s aware that her roommates watch, but does she know about ransom watching?
a/n: i. am. gnawing. at. my. cage.
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sugar & spice au masterlist | 101, intro to the au
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we’ve already established that his discovery of your little hobby was what ended your relationship. i imagine that he fell over your stream while just browsing for something to jerk off to and then BOOM, there you were.
in true asshole fashion, he of course confronted you about it in a big ol fight:
“choose. come on. me or that.”
“ransom,” you sighed as he kept on pushing.
“come on,” he roared, “just pick goddamn it!”
“that!” you blurted as he kept on yelling, “i wanna keep camming!” though that statement hadn’t been what he’d predicted, “it makes me happy and you–…”
“…i don’t?”
“not lately…”
“well how else would you think i’d react to finding out my girl has secretly been whoring herself out to anyone with an internet connection?”
the slap you then crack against his cheek echoed throughout the whole room, “fuck you,” you spat, “don’t ever talk to me, don’t even look at me, ever again.”
and then you tried to stay as far away from him as possible even though i think he would have kept trying to worm his way back into your good graces (because he obviously fucked up)
you also moved in with steve, bucky and curtis after the breakup and i imagine they began to act as your bodyguards when it came to your ex. keeping an eye out and helping you avoid him at all costs.
but the thing is, from the moment that he first discovered your stream, and honestly also as a way to lick his wounds post-breakup, he kept going back to it, kept opening up the website till it was permanently open on his phone, always ready for when you went live or posted something (a pic or vid or just flirty message)
it was like an addiction and he couldn’t stop
he wasn’t even ashamed about it because to him it was a way to keep your faded relationship alive, keep you with him and for a generous tip (which he could more than afford as the trust fund kid he was) you’d still do as he wished, still follow his sinful commands.
turn around, let me see that ass
be a good girl and turn up the speed
send me those panties after you’ve soaked them with your cream, i’ll pay double your usual rate for the underwear you sell.
did you know that TittyCokeKingXXX, one of your most loyal followers and top tippers, was your ex? hell no.
how would you finally discover his true identity? maybe it would be at a party you’re both at, a celebration after the football team’s latest victory (of which both your roomies steve and bucky are on, but unfortunately so is ransom)
he probably gets too drunk and then the truth starts slipping out
maybe he thinks he still has a shot, but just as you turn him down, he gets petty and accidentally blurts out, “well you didn’t seem to have a problem with me last night when you were calling me sir and making yourself squirt in the shower.”
the image of you crumbled on the tile floor, shower head blasting in your hand as you ripped it away from your overstimulated clit was still seared into his brain. tits all soapy, yet he could still make out the faint letters of the possessive scrawling he'd paid you to scribble with marker the week before reading daddy’s girl
“…how do you know that?” you uttered and he suddenly realised that he’d actually said those words out loud and not just thought them as usual, “ransom, how the fuck do you know that?”
© 2024 thyme-in-a-bubble
#lea’s writing#sugar and spice au#chris evans smut#ransom drysdale smut#chris evans x reader#ransom drysdale x reader#ransom drysdale x you#ransom drysdale x female reader#ransom drysdale fanfiction#dark!ransom drysdale#steve rogers x reader#curtis everett x reader#bucky barnes x reader
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Word count: 2033
The Car Alex x Fem!Reader
Summary: You get bored at The Grammys and decide to tease Alex, it goes a bit too far and he puts you in your place...
Warnings: Swearing, slight exhibitionism, pet names (doll, darling, baby, princess), Dom!Alex, Sub!reader, Hard to soft dom, degrading, a bit of bdsm, multiple orgasms, Hickeys/bruising, Oral F!receiving, a bit of aftercare not much tho. porn with a plot.
A/N: FIRST POST!!! who's clapping rn?? anyway this is literally so dirty and filthy and unholy. I really pushed my limits here. enjoy!
He was pissed. You had given him a hard-on right before he had to make a speech that will be on the internet forever. But it's not your fault The Grammys are a fucking bore, you had to entertain yourself somehow.
You started off with the classic dropping something and slowly bending over to pick it up. Alex eyed you, taking in how great your ass looked in a short, skin-tight red dress. This wasn't enough though. You needed to do more. So, when you went to sit, you pulled your dress down so far that your tits were spilling out over the top of it. Alex immediately kept his eyes locked on them. After a couple of minutes of him staring you asked "Are you okay baby?" acting all innocent, as if you didn't know exactly what was running through his mind. "Yeah, perfect" he elongated the 'er' and didn't even look up to your eyes. It was clear he wasn't talking about himself.
You decided to go back to watching the awards like normal, but every once in a while you did something very subtle like biting or licking your lips, or fluttering your lashes when talking to Alex. You knew this did something to him because he placed his hand on your thigh and started tracing circles on it. Then you decided to go all in. You leaned in close to Alex's ear, letting him feel your hot breath on his skin as you whispered "Can I sit on your lap?" You tried to sound as innocent as possible so he didn't think you were up to something. "Alright darling" He sat back in his chair as you placed yourself on him.
You sat there peacefully for a little while as you loved the feeling of his arm wrapped around you and the sweet-nothings he would whisper in your ear. You then started shifting in his lap and you felt his grip on you tighten and he spoke firmly "Stop." You turned your head to look at him and said with a smile "What? I'm just getting comfortable." You turned away, shifting a small bit more, feeling him harden him under you, until suddenly you felt his grip tighten so hard it could leave bruises and you heard his voice dangerously close to your ear "You know what you're doing baby. Stop it before i bend you over this table and fuck you in front of all these p-" He was cutoff by the announcement of the bands category. "Shit. If we win and I have to fuckin' go up there like this, I swear to god you're gonna be in so much trouble"
You gulped, not sure if you were wishing for them to win or not. "And the Best Alternative Music Album is..." Your heart was pounding as the announcer opened up the envelope, it felt like she was purposely taking forever. You subconsciously held your breath as she began to read out the name "The Car, Arctic Monkeys!" All the lads gasped and you gave Alex a kiss as you stood up off him. As he walked onto the stage he shot you a dark look.
Honestly you didn't listen to Alex's speech because you were too preoccupied thinking about what he was going to do to you when you got home, and soon you were gonna find out because the second he got back to your table he grabbed your wrist and dragged you out to the car. "Alex what the fuck? I'm pretty sure you're supposed to stay??" You were panicking a bit 'cause you knew people were going to talk about how you guys abruptly left. Alex didn't care though, at least you don't think he cared.
He didn't speak the throughout the entire car ride home despite you questioning why he did that and if he was really THAT mad. When you finally got home and you stepped inside, Alex immediately spun you around and leaned down to whisper in your ear "Go upstairs, get naked and kneel on the bed, I'll be up in a few minutes." You took a deep breath and began walking up the stairs. All you could think about is how quite literally fucked you're gonna be.
You got to your room, threw all your clothes on the floor and knelt on the bed. You heard Alex rummaging downstairs and then the sound of metal clanging against each other followed by his footsteps coming up the stairs. You got nervous when you saw his figure step into the doorway, leaning against it for a moment before taking off his blazer and neatly folding it on the dresser. Then you saw them. All ball gag and some handcuffs. Your eyes widened as Alex began approaching you. "What did you think you were doing?" There was venom in his voice that made you feel helpless. "Al, I'm sor-" "Don't fucking speak. You wanna act like a slut you're gonna get fucked like one" He grabbed your head, put on the gag and lifted up your chin between his pointer and thumb. "Now I'll be able to hear pretty noises, but won't have to listen to your stupid excuses" His words went straight to your core. As much as you hate to admit it, this turned you on so much.
He rolled up his sleeves and sat down on the bed next to you. You couldn't help but admire him, his veiny arms and how the veins plunges out when he grips onto things, his chest peaking out from under his dress-shirt and how he always has it shaved besides a single square and his hair, how it was somehow both messy and well groomed at the same time.
You were snapped out of your thoughts when Alex spoke "Over my knee doll" You gush at the pet name and oblige. "If anything is too much just tap me twice." His voice was soft but you knew it wouldn't last long as you felt a smack against your ass, your entire body jerked and you let out a loud yelp. After another couple of slaps you feel tears welling in your eyes and you were drooling all over the sheets. "Look at you, you're fuckin' pathetic"
He gave your ass three more strikes before leaning down and speaking "Does it hurt darling?" You nod. "Aww, well thats what you get for being a little slut, you know you deserve this. Now stop crying, get up and lay, face down-ass up, hands behind your back." You whine but do as he says. You heart raced when you felt Alex's hands roughly grabbing yours and cuffing them. "What a fuckin' sight" he stepped back and folded his arms, taking in the view. You felt so exposed and at his mercy.
You heard the rattle of his belt and felt a dip in the bed. Your cunt was glistening from how wet you are "Jesus, You love getting punished, eh?" Alex swiped his finger through your wetness and placed the finger in his mouth and sucked, tasting your juices "Fuckin' heavenly."
You back up your ass and whined trying to get his attention. "Don't be greedy darling, remember you place" He unbuttoned his trousers and pulled out his cock and began pumping it to the sight of you. "It's such a pity i don't see this everyday, You look so fucking good like this, my beautiful little whore" he groaned.
You felt his tip stroking your soaked folds. He stopped at your dripping hole, just holding it there until you whined. "Aw baby you want more? hm?" You whined again "Okay, I'll give you more" and with that he slammed into you, giving you no time to adjust to his size he began thrusting into you hard. All you could do is moan and sob. "Too much too fast, princess? Well you asked for it" He growled "You know you like it. Listen to you, you sound like a little cumslut" He somehow sped up his thrusts and you screamed.
He slid his arm around up your chest and pulled you up so your back was against his chest. He watched your tits as they bounced with each thrust. He groaned and dipped his head down to your neck and began nipping and sucking on your neck. "Fuckin' mine. 'm gonna make sure everyone knows how much of a slut you are."
You were making the most hoarse noises and you were drooling all over yourself. "You close already, princess?" You nodded and squeezed your eyes shut. With that he pulled out. You whined at the loss of contact. Alex picked you up and laid you on your back. "Bad girls don't get to cum on cock. Now open your legs doll."
You spread your legs as far as you could and Alex dipped his head between them. He wrapped his mouth around your clit and sucked on it, sending electricity throughout your entire body. He held down your hips as he sucked and licked your sensitive nub. You were sure you were gonna have hand-shaped bruises on your hips for days. He removed his mouth from you and inserted two long, calloused fingers into you. He curled and scissored them making you let out a load moan. He continued to finger you fast.
You couldn't take it much longer. Your hips bucked and your hole tightened around his fingers. You looked at Alex for permission to cum. "Go on darling, cum all over my fingers" and with that you let out a loud, high-pitched moan as you released. Alex didn't stop though, he kept going. You screamed and cried from the stimulation and suddenly you felt that knot in your stomach tighten again. You cried trying to get away from his fingers. "Come on baby, cum for me again" and again your orgasm washed over you, ten times more intense than before. Alex slowed down his movements then removed his fingers from you.
He smiled as he brought his fingers up this his mouth and sucked off all your juices from his fingers. He then leant down and removed the gag from your mouth. "Can you do one more for me princess? You're doing so well." You sniffled and nodded "Okay.. Just one more." "Good girl, doing so well for me" He lined his cock up with your used hole and slowly thrusted into you. He gave you a second to adjust and the slowly pulled out and pushed back in again.
Unlike last time his thrusts were slow and soft but they were passionate and deep. He places his hands either side of your head, his hair was draped off his forehead and his face was inches away from yours. He caught your lips in a long, passionate kiss as his thrusts sped up slightly. " 'm close baby" He whispered. After a couple of more thrusts you felt that knot in your stomach again, you squeezed around him to let him know you were close too. His thrusts became faster and sloppier as he chased his orgasm, you squeezed around him as you came all over him, this sent him over the edge and you felt his release deep inside you.
He rode out your orgasms, then collapsed next to you, removing himself from you. You felt empty and tired. Alex got up and unlocked the handcuffs and kissed you "I'm gonna clean you up. Do you want anything baby?" You smiled "Water please" he walked into the bathroom and grabbed a towel then got you a glass of water. He came back into the room, placed the glass of water on the bed-side table, then kneeled on the bed in front of you, he cleaned you and the sheets up then laid next to you and hugged you. "I love you baby, but please never embarrass me like that again" You giggled when you remembered what got you here "I love you too and I'm sorry for that"
And with that you laid in silence until you both fell asleep.
#alex turner#alex turner x reader#arctic monkeys#alex turner smut#arctic monkeys fanfic#alex turner fanfic#alex turner x you#arctic monkeys x reader#the car era#the car tour
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I completely understand your rightful aversion to JKR and her horrendous views, but oh, selfishly I really wish you would continue to write Wolfstar. You write them so beautifully, and I think your art highlights, celebrates and encourages queer love stories like no other. Your work is certainly very important to me personally and helped me through some things in my personal life, and I'm truly sorry to hear you feel like you have to give it up because of her. She's taken so much from all of us - if writing Wolfstar brings you joy, why let her steal that from you too? (This is all said with the greatest love and admiration, of course)
oh friend 🥹🥹 you are so kind, thank you
honestly, that was why i KEPT writing wolfstar, as a big queer fuck you to jk for being such a fucking garbage can of a person. i kept writing them because sometimes, people told me the same thing you did, that my stories helped them/you through personal shit. i kept writing because i knew she could never take them away from us, not the wonderful myriad of versions that WE created of them.
and then i got shit for being over 30 and writing fanfic, being over 30 and writing HP fanfic, writing fanfic in general, writing HP fanfic when jk is such a piece of shit. so, unfortunately, it wasn't JUST jk's transphobic bullshit that made me shy away, it was other people.
i know this probably makes me sound childish (mean people on the internet were picking on me 😫) but i'm just a person with a regular job and i was doing it for fun. posting my words for fun. so when i started associating that activity with those mean people on the internet, it gave me more stress than anything else. i think i'm still easing back into writing, in general. long periods go where i don't write at all. i still struggle with analyzing everything i say or do.
but i'll never stop loving wolfstar. it was my biggest hyperfixation for so long, i don't think that will ever go away. and maybe i will get back into writing them, i'm not sure. if i do, it will be because of messages like yours that gave me a reason to remember why i started <3
#i got an ask!#thank you so much friend#this answer was so wordy i'm so sorry#but i appreciate every word you said#i won't count wolfstar out#i have so many fic ideas all the time
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Pedro boys and why I'm swiping left on their tinders
This is all to be silly!! I love them all very much <3
Frankie Morales
His name there says Frankie (Catfish)....with his main profile picture being him holding you guessed it...a catfish. He doesn't have many other photos on there, with the exception of a few older military photos that are so blurry you can hardly tell which one he's meant to be.
The rest of his page is pretty empty aside from the music section, where you actually get the first real glimpse at what this man is about. While his music selection is very respectable, it does not overshadow the glaring issues with his profile.
In short, Frankie's profile makes you think "Am I dating the man? The fish? Or a catfish?" Swiping left fs.
Marcus Moreno
This one isn't his fault! His profile is perfect. No really. All the women at The Heroics made sure to help him with it! His photos are cute and show off all his best assets. The bio is a little cheesy in an endearing "yeah he's definitely a dad" way. The problem then? It's Marcus fucking Moreno!!! Leader of the Heroics!!!!!! On Tinder???? There's no way anyone is going to believe it's really him. I believe there's a verification option on Tinder now, but really...even then Idk. Unless he fully comes out on an interview or something to super casually mention he's on Tinder, it just ain't working. No one likes a catfish! (Sorry Frankie!)
Jack Daniels
Mr. "Tinder What?" himself!!!! Let's say he manages to figure out how to set up a profile and all that. It's gonna be inTERESTING to say the least. His photos are actually pretty solid. An intriguing mix of photos of him on the ranch and photos of him in the Statesmen HQ looking very well put together. Opening line is definitely "Save a Horse! Ride a Cowboy! 🤠♥️" Very on brand for him. Followed by something very pro-american about the flag or serving his country and honestly... that's where I'm gone 😅. We get to see a bit of Jack's political mind in Kingsman and let's just say i don't wanna know the rest of it.
I'm grateful this is Tinder and not Bumble. Because if Jack used the audio prompt and I heard that smooth Kentucky accent...forget EVERYTHING I just said. I would be taking a chance on him. Sorry 😔 I can't fix him, but I will have fun trying!!
Joel Miller
For namesake, we're gonna set this pre-outbreak. There's no time for swiping in the apocalypse. Profile isn't bad just very empty. He's not really trying and it's kinda obvious. His bio reads something along the lines of "Single dad of a spoiled teen" with mostly photos of himself and Sarah on his profile. A few photos of him and Tommy out camping or on a work site.
And as handsome as he is, the profile feels like something his kid forced him to make as a way of getting him off her back. I wanna sympathize and help her out, but I don't know I have the heart to attempt to win over this very clearly emotionally unavailable DILF. So for that reason, I'm swiping left.
Pero Tovar
If for some ungodly reason Pero was given Internet access and had a dating profile... it'd be a disaster. His bio reads something along the lines of "I don't open this app. If you wish to see me meet me at this pub" with approximate days and times he's there.
The first picture on his profile is a way too far away blurry shot of him training. If I was feeling brave enough to continue scrolling through his photos...the rest would certainly be borderline explicit highly suggestive photos of his torso and groin. And whilst I might think about it for approximately .25 seconds any remaining sense of dignity would kick in before I actually did anything about it. It'll sting momentarily, but I will be swiping left.
Ezra
Another man on this list who should absolutely NOT be given internet access. His photos are beautiful but uninformative...the only shots of him are blurred and artistically obscure. He pads the rest of his profile with photos of books he's reading and grainy shoots of the forest.
The bio...if there's a word limit best believe that Ezra has hit it. He used every given character at his disposal and managed to say very little with all of it. Something about a wandering spirit longing for companionship and a couple sexual innuendos for good measure.
While visually and verbally not the worst profile on this list, his pretension is so utterly palpable through the screen I actually don't think I'd be able to make it through the end of his bio without cringing...also his music selection is all just banjo instrumental???
#am writes#pedro pascal#pedro boys#ezra prospect#pero tovar#joel miller#jack Daniels#marcus moreno#frankie morales#pedro pascal characters
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Oh wow…that shit’s so messed up I’m sorry- Seeing how fucking brutal these two are to her, it lowkey makes me wanna get back at them somehow cuz I’m petty lol. Like I know it’s wishful thinking cuz it’s Mikey and Izana we’re talking about, and they have a shit ton more power than reader, but plsplspls I want them to suffer MORE WKAJWHEBV. At first, I’d imagine reader with some other man, but they both can easily get rid of him and punish her and make her suffer even more, so I drop that idea pretty quickly. Just let my girl live in peace for fuck’s sake…
OOHH!! Imagine how they’ll react when she completely…snaps. Just gone. An empty shell of who she was. I’m talking about legit no emotions or feelings or any type of reactions when they hurt her. Nothing. Completely dull to all their messed up antics. I once read a short scenario similar to this (it’s a yandere type thing), and the darling is exactly like this, so I wonder how the brothers would handle that. Would they give up on her? Would they get rid of her entirely due to anger? Would they at least try to do something? It doesn’t matter what they do, scream at her, hit her, give her “love” or “affections” or gifts. It simply doesn’t matter. She would not react at all.
OR OR. I’m sorry but I’m getting excited at the mere thought of those two suffering LKJWDBN. Maybe she, somehow in someway, manages to get away from them both and move to somewhere else far, FAR away. And they can’t even find her, it’s like she completely disappears from the face of the earth. All of her info is deleted on the internet and her socials (if she has any), and they just can’t track her down AT ALL. If they treat her like she’s lower than the dirt under their shoes, why bother anymore right? Not like they truly love her like she deserves anyway, might as well leave them. I wanna be the one to help her get away cuz that girl deserves nothing but the best fr :((
OR OR OR- (IM SORRY I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS AND IM LITERALLY VIBRATING RN. This is SO much fun, I love this series SO much). Imagine if she gets into a terrible accident. Car accident, someone stabbed her, hit her head hard. IDK. Whatever it is, she got hurt BAD. Like hospital-emergency-surgery-ASAP bad. Would they even care tbh? I mean, it means she has a chance of finally leaving Emma alone right? Their family can finally go back to normal, and they don’t have to fight her for Emma’s attention anymore. They should feel relieved, happy even, that she can be gone forever…right? Would be even better if they have no idea at first, so they start wondering why they don’t see her in campus or why she isn’t with Emma at parties anymore or why she isn’t picking up her damn phone or texting them back after literal weeks. Meanwhile she’s still at the hospital, in a coma, barely hanging on for dear life. If she dies…they shouldn’t be bothered, right? Especially Izana. (Honestly, idk if I want them to be devastated or nonchalant about reader’s death. Like the fucking audacity to feel sad about her death when you’re the one who LITERALLY made her life hell. But then they’d be just straight up assholes/psychos if they don’t gaf.)
Due to these thoughts, I’m very excited to see chapter 10 whenever it’s out. I know it’s still very early on, and the description or plot may change, but the summary is making me SHAKING. LIKE WYM BROKE THE CYCLE??? IS MY GIRL FINALLY FREE??? WYM AT WHAT COST??? SHE SUFFERS ENOUGH LET HER BE FREEE- anyways :)) I FEEL LIKE IM ANNOYING YOU WITH THESE ASKS IDK. IF SO I APOLOGIZE AJEFJN- One last question, the series only has 10 chapters right?
OKAY IM DONE I PROMISE LMAO.
FIRST OF ALL YOU'RE NOT ANNOYING ME AT ALLL! I've your ask fifteen times and I kick my feet and giggle cause how do I have such creative READERS I LOVE YALL NGL.
I lwk want reader to just start messing around with other men too, but like she's not that kind of person at all unfortunately. Plus she's seen enough with men after her father, her brothers and then the Sanos.
There's definitely a point where reader snaps and goes off the grid that they can't find her BUT I DON'T WANNA GIVE SPOILERS. Long story short, the two brothers aren't thrilled with the situation.
I believe pre Chapter 3, they won't really care, but post chapter 3, whew boy... if something happened to reader, Mikey's definitely going to start tweaking. Godforbid reader dies, every hospital staff treating her and their families will see jesus before tuesday. If reader dies or leaves Mikey post chapter 3, Mikey's going off the rails mentally and physically. Izana might be affected for a long while, but he can still bounce back, just a tad bit more cruel and he may or may not start sleeping with women that look like reader...
CHAPTER 10 will be hands down my favourite to write. Idk what I'll do w/ my life when monsters is over tbh (finish my other wips ofc)
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tumblr "deep friendship advice quotes" thoughts, 10 years later:
y'know i oft go all the way back in my draft posts, where i saved some of the popular deep ~friendship advice quotes~ back in the day (well, more like copied and pasted them, so that i coud use them on fb at a later date). but maybe. hm. maybe all those "don't chase people. let people come to you" or whatever the fuck posts i saved at like 18 to 22, mostly.... and actually did post on fb at some points in time, when i was younger.... really did ruin my self-esteem and ability to make friends or date people when i was younger.
yeah. they are good quotes, don't get me wrong. but like. they're made for a slightly older audience, really. like people in their late 20s- ie like me right now actually lmao. who have a bit more self assurance (although this is the internet. so maybe not. who knows) and judgement skills. as opposed to a lonely 18-22 year old who got caught up in the memes around fuckbois and losing friends at the speed of light in their 20s.... so, then you might as well cut out all strangers anyway. bc apparently everyone is "wasting your time" if they don't come to you, and you "don't wait up for those around you" and whatever utter bullshit i've got saved there in my drafts.
i get that some of the sentiment is that "you're marching to your own drum" and shit like that, that i ALWAYS got when i was in high school.... and posts in my early 20s on fb..... when someone would do one of those dumb asf "like and i'll tell you what what i like about you" statuses in like 2016..... so people would remember that they existed. but on the other hand, trying to cut out everyone for the weird stance that they're "wasting your time" and "NEVER chase people. wait for them to come back to you. those who care will always come back. they're the real people to fuck with. they give you the real universe vibrations" or w/e the fuck.... really did make me friendless in my 20s.
the above probably made my anxiety about having barely any friends, other than my primary school besties, and a couple of high school besites from public school, that i still talked to semi regularly.... worse... all bc i was also obsessed with the "keep your circle small. they're the ones who care deeply about you and give the energy when needed" or whatever the fuck. how the fuck will i know how to keep my circle small????? when like, yeah i've kept those 5 friends... which is cool... but when they're not available (i obvs give them space lol) or they move away etc.... who the fuck else do i turn to, when i believe EVERYONE ELSE is wasting my time... all bc they NEVER talk to me????
obvs people did try to talk to me in a way, when i wished them happy birthday, or when they seldom wished me happy birthday on fb.... but i always left those conversations at that precursory "how are things? i hope you're doing well!" from them, and a like on their post. bc it'd been so long since i'd talked to those people (say some of the girls from catholic school drama class in like 2017 bc i'd run into them at uni once or twice or while they were at work once.... or even Rich Boy™️ from the same school in like 2016- i hadnt spoken to him in 3 years, and it felt weird. like what the fuck do i say??)... but since they only did that nicety of wishing me happy birthday or vice versa that one year, i never bothered inboxing them bc.... again. they're wasting my time and they're "fair weather friends" bc they don't talk to me except once every 3 years or whatever.
"CUT THEM OUT bc the universe says they're not for you. they give you the LOW VIBRATIONS in your spirit" those posts advise. like honestly. i couldn't keep up with those people from catholic school anyway. bc they're the ones who bought houses in their 20s and some of them do expensive ski trips to europe or japan or america or canada (or do our summer abroad in the peak snow season in those countries working at the snow fields); or just generally here in winter in australia. i can't afford that. one of them proposed to their partner in fucking fiji. i could NEVER afford that, if that were me. or lived abroad for a year and a half in thailand and vietnam bc of their family's charity. something, again, that i COULD NEVER AFFORD. but again. i digress. but according to these posts, i cut them out (partially) bc the universe said that they're not for me, so therefore they're a waste of my time. and that also means that i shouldn't chase them or hit them up, ever. bc what if i end up chasing them anyway???? like yeah. it HAD NOTHING TO DO with the so-called "low vibrations in spirit" that those dumb posts espouse.
not only did this make me friendless, it made me unable to learn the lessons of shitty friendships in my 20s. all bc i believed everyone was either secretly, or VERY OBVIOUSLY wasting my time.... but how was i to know that.... when i never befriended jessica or dean or bella and hayden from my uni classes?? and ok, some of it did actually come from my shitty group at uni, who couldn't fathom why i picked philosophy over history and shit like that. but the thing was, i was so desperate to have any (semblance of) friends.... that i clung to that group out of sheer mortification, terror, and anxiety. despite that, i barely ever ended up in the same classes with them.
however, the girl who fashioned herself as the leader, always seemed to tell me that "you are too highly strung for law" whenever i expressed interest in doing law 101. she would openly mock my handwriting as "looking like a 5 year old's" whenever she could (including when i signed up for her history and archaeology club ans she manned the booth for it, and told me VERY DELIBERATELY to "pLeAsE pRiNt nEatLy *insert my name here*- turning to the guy next to her- see jordan, i told you she writes like a toddler")..... like this group was VERY obviously wasting my time.
but i didnt care, just as long as i had someone to eat thai food with every once in while. as long as i could turn up to engl336 social justice in kids lit, and sit with them and have my very seldom coordinated tute with them too. all despite *alex* (not her real name) constantly speaking to me like my year 7 (2008) geography and year 9 (2010) commerce teacher from catholic school, who would do this shit in front of the 25 kids of both those classes, who i L O A T H E D (and still do to this day tbh. the same guy also fyi.). but i didn't care, as long as i could have a subway and share a cookie with her once a week. uni is hell. and we're in it..... together??? i guess???
but yeah. my point is that, observing my saved copied and pasted drafts of all those typical like "friendship advice" quotes of "don't chase people. let people come to you" or "keep your circle small. they're the ones who care deeply about you and give the energy when needed" et al.... and all the sentiments and memes about people "wasting your time", really fucked up my social skills and friend making skills in my late teens and early 20s. bc they kinda almost gave me a reason to brush off EVERY interaction with other people- be it dating to just making friends or trying to keep old friend ties around (which i didn't/couldn't really do) as "time wasting" and "low vibrations of the universe" and whatever other fucking garbage.
i think younger gen z and the generations after them, need to be wary of this advice when they're young. because it's aimed at older people. who probably have better social skills and thinking skills etc, to ACTUALLY weed out people who waste time and energy... rather than an 18 to 22 year old who is just starting out in life... who is so paranoid about being friendless and single (relationships wise).... that they, in turn, make themselves these two things anyway..... bc for some reason they're also conversely terrified that everyone is either secretly or very obviously wasting their time......
when honey. you're wasting your own goddamned motherfucking time worrying about "they give me low spiritual and universal vibrations. so snippity-snip ✂️" (when like. what the actual FUCK does this even mean, for goddamned starters???) for some fucking reason... also, "not chasing people" and having such a minute circle of friends, that like.... when EVERYTHING goes to shit (ie 2020 pandemic and ALSO my health troubles in late 2020 and 2021), and they're suddenly NOT there or CAN'T be there, who else do you have to turn to (not counting family)???? or in general, if you need to to vent about someone you know, who else do you have when you're buried so deep the mindset about "never chase people, let them come to you" and again, the spiritual vibration tribe bullshit???
these posts are made for people in their late 20s and 30s. not your late teens and early to mid 20s, when you're actually meant to learn this shit. you're wasting your time talking about "the vibrations of the universe" whatever the fuck that means. you're not manifesting any-fucking-thing. get the fuck out of the house (maybe drop the hash brownies or shrooms too, every once in a while, if that's your thing) and ACTUALLY TALK TO PEOPLE. maybe message people from old groups or something, and see if they wanna hang or get a coffee or something. don't cut SO MANY people out of your life so swiftly because the memes say "wait for your tribe and high solar plexus and third eye vibrations for your complex mercury retrograde libra in the 10th house scorpio self"... maybe learn to chase people (and then don't); so you learn from your mistakes.
don't waste away on the depths of the internet- ranging from twitter (oh wait. sorry. X) to discord groups or reddit to this here hellsite. go and experience life, instead of letting your lack of social skills rot your brain away because you, "don't cut ties" instantly bc someone is "wasting your time".... bc again it bleeds into those small talk memes asking someone's fave coffee and you haven't instantly bypassed into "deep conversations about wasted opportunities and vibes with my fave 5 high spirit tribe girlies".
because the only way you'll find those people, is by actually talking to people and teaching yourself the lesson. that, for example, ben is wasting your time bc he never follows through on shit. or he was an absolute bum in your relationship.... bc he used all your money for weed and refused to pay rent bc apparently his NFTs count as rent. that francine is an absolute cow, bc she thinks it's great that she CAN NEVER let people have their say and settle in an argument bc of *insert excuse here*.... or that she's one only person in the world that has EVER SUFFERED EVER legitimately. and this is why it's healthier to cut both of these people out of your life, if you can't reach a compromise.
anyway, my point is, instead of desperately trying to "will into existence/manifest your tribe of high spiritual people" from shrooms_and_liquor_wisdom_thoughts-xoxo-761 or "shower thoughts" or "high vibe society" and whatever dumb asf title pages/groups/chatrooms on any of these sites.... that you'll magically have this fictional tribe of "high vibe people" by ironically NEVER interacting with people and having to learn life lessons the hard way, by ACTUALLY experiencing them.... you've got to literally go out and practice this shit..
younger generations need to learn that most of these sentiment posts are for an older audience.... not a teenager or early 20 something WHO NEEDS to learn these lessons.... but they use them as an excuse not to. go learn to chase people from time to time, even if it is a bad idea. you're young enough to do that shit. you are not wasting time learning these lessons. take it form me, from someone who took them too literally and was proud that she only spoke to 5 people. now im in my late 20s.... and am nearly 30, i realise what a fucked up error this was. (also, i don't condone purposely throwing yourself into unhealthy or toxic relationships or situations, just for the sake of learning these lessons, btw.... but that's a whole other post).
#life#about me#shut up ilona#ilona tries to give advice#warning: it's hella tl;dr#fun fact: this took me 2 hours to write lol#hella tl;dr but at least its got a cut off#inspired to share this after watching a video and a half on the gen z (and zillenial) loneliness epidemic#also just seeing if blaze actually works on a post thats nearly a year old
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this is a rant, vent, jumble of words im feeling and need to get it out of my system because im a little done
please scroll along if you dont wanna read, or dont, i dont control you
it never ceases to amaze me just how cruel people in fandoms can be. cruel, mean, hyprocritical, straight up dumb.
dont get me wrong, these people are a minority. i have found myself amongst the best sort of people in fandoms i am a part of and couldnt be happier for the friendships i have made from them.
but this incredibly loud minority piss me off to no end. i stay away from any sort of discourse, silently watching from the background and watch thing blow up over trivial matters, and then learn who to avoid in those circles and move on with my life
but when i see, what i consider to be blatant bullying, to someone i hold dear, i dont want to be quiet anymore. im not a loud figure, im a tiny blog that loves to simp over 2d characters, a tiny stream channel that i interact with like minded people. and i mean i am TINY, im barely a blip on this wide web. so anything i say, it doesnt go anywhere, so still, i stay silent until i cant anymore.
so lets get to the crux of the matter.
if you dont like a character, you dont get to make others feel bad about liking them. i dont care if you think they are problematic, if you dont like their story, their look, or simply the fact that they exist
you dont get to make someone feel bad for finding a connection with them and loving them
you dont get to attack them about liking the character, passively or aggressively, you dont get to make fun of them and any of the work they do around them. you have no right to take it upon yourself and make someone feel like they dont belong just because they like a character that you dont
if you dont like the character, dont fucking interact, its that bloody simple. scroll away. mute the tag, mute the channel, whatever. just walk away
interacting with someones content for the pure purpose to make fun of it is cruel. you are making it public that you want to demean the person for what they enjoy. and the worst thing is, if you catch the attention of the younger audience, they learn that they get to act that way, and this kind of online activity only gets worse
it already has gotten worse. man, im a millenial and i thought keyboard warriors when i was in highschool and older where bad. these days the younger generation feel justified to think that they can say whatever they want and suffer no consequences of those actions. i see it in so many fandom discourses. its horrible
but they learn from the worst of us on the internet. the more they see the cruel interactions, the more they think its okay to act that way. and without a doubt, fandoms will end up being incredibly toxic environments that people wont feel comfortable to exist in anymore.
every fandom has a toxic space, its unfortunate but it is true. i wish it wasnt
and the smaller the fandom, the louder this toxic group is
it just fucking sucks. and watching people i care about be treated so badly hurts because all i can do is be their support. an ear, a shoulder, just someone they can vent to. but it doesnt stop the fact that they got hurt and i cant do anything about it
god i dont even know what this even turned into. im tired, im upset, im just so frustrated.
why cant people just be nice?
if you managed to read all the way down here, man i applaud you. that was a great mess of thoughts, i still have many more but at this point i feel like i would be repeating myself
please, just. be kind guys. its not that hard, i swear it
to all my moots, honestly, i love you guys. seeing all your work and love you put into your creations gives me life and brightens my day. dont ever stop loving your craft and your fav characters just because someone decided to be a prick.
#meow rants!#honestly if you read this you are a champion lol#do good#be nice#this really is just a jumble of thoughts i needed to get out and what better place than a tiny blog#i wish i could do more but alas this is all im good for#to all my moots i love you all
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Alrught ted talk time again....
I've been thinking a lot about the boys and why they don't post each other and shit like that and I honestly don't get it. Harry was at Nialls show recently in Manchester and honestly it was fuking adorable. For some reason it was weird to see Harry singing Nialls solo stuff like wait how does he know that? Cause it's weird to think of them as outside of 1D. But anyway everyone expected (but knew it wouldn't happen) that Niall posted a pic with him in his nightly recap. And I just dont get why not? At different points the boy have all gone to see each other in solos times, of course everyone except Lou and Harry well that we know of. And we know they're there so why not appease the fans and post the pic? I never understood why the 'hiatus' meant the end of them together publicly for the most part. And also why can't Lou and Harry go to eachothers show publicly? They were best friends ,forget everything else, they freaking lived together during 1D. So what the fuck? You can't say it's the Larry shipers because although that is a big group, management could've just ignored it, not doing anytbing was better than pushing them away from each other. Did they fight? And if they did , was it worse than Zayn? Because we know Lou and Zayn have interacted so why tf not with Harry? Honestly ,it irks me mostly cause of their friendships. I think a reunion would actually explode the internet but apart from that I wish they could just be normal friends, publicly and we wouldn't feel like there was a drought with 1D memories. Is too much to ask? (See what I did there lmao)
Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.see ya soonn
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hey again!! thank you for answering my ask, and for the clarification! i figured you probably had it all sorted out because you're a grown adult and seem to know your stuff but i still said something anyways just in case haha
i should have been more clear with my original ask but i myself still find all this stuff quite confusing so thats my bad sorry 😞 basically it has nothing to do with the labour of printing or if the company publishes it or not, it’s because fan fiction is already grey area, it’s ok when no one is making money off it. as soon as at any point someone makes any money off it, like these printing companies, or commissioning someone on etsy, or even just going somewhere local to get the pages printed, it now becomes illegal - fanworks infringe on the creator's intellectual property and you need a licencing agreement if it's not public domain etc blah blah blah you get it lol
as soon as the word "pay" comes in, it's illegal - you can't pay for anything, even if you are the one that wrote the fanfic (which fucking sucks). but your merch and stuff is completely fine because the references are based on your original writing, like theyre not gonna be like "how dare you sell this tshirt with a bloody B on it thats illegal!!" bcs that whole thing is entirely unique to your work and has no ties to the original property 👍
but thats just my understanding of it, and the specifications of it can get really confusing!! same thing happens with fanart too, technically you aren't allowed to sell fanart - that's why people often only sell it irl at cons to avoid copyright strikes. but then again there is people selling fanart on redbubble and in fanzines etc so like, i honestly don't know how that side of it works as well?? i think its under a different law since it’s a transformative work maybe...??
its all very confusing i wish clarification was more clear 😭 but you sound like you've looked into it and know what you're doing so thats fantastic, and i'm glad to hear. thank you again for answering so quickly i dont mean to be a bother. ur a talented writer and i loved debaser, keep it up 😊
Yeah no problem! I do appreciate the effort to give a heads up. And like to be fair I’ve done my research but I’m not a copyright lawyer or a legal scholar and the law on this stuff is very confusing to me.
In terms of the fanart stuff my understanding is that it is illegal to sell but for the most part fan Artist are too small for copyright holders to go after, it’s just not really a thing that’s done for the most part. There’s even a number of situations where selling fanart led to those artists being directly employed by the copyright holders. I think it’s very rare for fan artists to get sued for copy right and the only examples I know of are from Disney.
For the most part fanart sold is illegal, but it’s similar to torrenting content where its not really enforced so people do it anyways, and often at a pretty large scale. The stuff on red bubble and in fanzines is also illegal as far as I know, it doesn’t count as transformative.
Honestly I think it’s very unlikely that anyone printing my work would get targeted like that, mostly because this fandom is small and I’m even smaller. I only have a little over 1000 followers here and while that’s more followers than I’ve ever had before in my life it’s pretty much microscopic on the internet. Beyond that there’s less than a handful of printed copies as far as I’m aware.
Honeslty I have a lot of issues with copyright law- obviously it needs to apply to things like generative AI which is essentially a very environmentally damaging collage machine, but in terms of fanart and fanfiction I really don’t see how it could be construed as taking away profit from copyright holders.
People for the most part only read my work because they were already into scream, and a number of people have even told me my work got them to watch scream so if anything I’ve created profit for them. Fandom is the reason these original works have the legacy they do, and fanworks are a massive part of that because you can only consume the original content so many times before you get bored.
Beyond that we wouldn’t have some of our most highly acclaimed cultural works if copyright law had existed hundreds of years ago. Like, Shakespeare would have been fucked.
Alright lmao rant over. Tl;dr I’m doing my best to do this all in a legal way, but it’s good for folks to be aware that there may be an issue with the legality of printing my work even if they aren’t paying me. I think it’s unlikely any of you will face repercussions because this fandom is miniscule but if you’re worried maybe don’t post on Tumblr- but feel free to dm me or post in my discord 👍
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i really feel like i might be too far gone at this point. when i spend more time with other people, i realise that. it’s almost something for me to be ashamed of, maybe. i don’t know. it’s weird and almost stupid in my eyes, yet, i can’t stop it. i’m starting to think that i’d like to switch all this off and be normal, and never think about it again and i just can’t do that. honestly, i never thought i’d say that but here we are.
it’s particularly soul crushing. last night i was becoming more confident in myself and my own “IDENTITY” until today. why can’t it just stop, now? it’s not going to get me anywhere.
i guess i’m a fox. in some way. i can describe and talk for a while why i think so, but i don’t want to right now. Do i view myself as a fox? not really, i view myself as human ON PURPOSE, maybe to cause myself mental distress. i feel like kicking myself every time. maybe i AM fully a human in every way. That doesn’t help. i just have to live with these feelings? how is that fair at all? i can’t fucking do anything either way. the only pleasure i can ever get out of this is in fantasy.
i just want to move on, maybe. i’m only causing myself trouble. it’s hurting my brain. nothing good could ever come out of this, and nothing ever will. sometimes i feel like the likeliness of me being (x) is growing the more that i entertain the idea, and TO BE HONEST, the idea of me NOT being (x) feels almost deeply hurtful. it shouldn’t.
i was thinking. maybe i’m like an anthro fox or a were-fox or something, if you know what i mean. and. that’s so fucking embarrassing and i’m starting to realise it. i want it to go away and i want it to be normal. i get so much joy out of imagining myself as actually being these things, and in these moments i think; “huh, maybe i have some thinking to do.” but i just want to be normal now. it’s just a very LARGE inconvenience and maybe i can’t let go of it
i WANT to be these things. in a way that COUNTS. i don’t care if i’m whatever, psychologically or otherwise. i need the body of a fox, almost any kind. RIGHT fucking now. sometimes i can feel the adrenaline that comes from picturing it, or, instead, picturing NOT being it. THIS is the source of why i’m not normal. THIS is indirectly the reason why i’ve grown up so weird and why i’m so socially awkward. it’s been there almost my whole life and it’s been here especially since the past year. and then again even more since the past few months.
i need to get this out somehow. i need to be an animal. i can not be an animal. i’m struggling and i can’t DO anything about it. i want to cry, i DO cry almost daily at the prospect of being transformed into what i need. either that, or i need to be normal; and again, i can’t. i’m too “furry” to ever be a furry. people would laugh if i told them. i’ve searched the internet lots to see if anybody feels the same. people feel PARTLY the same, over certain parts. i’m sure they’re always therians but they can’t seem to understand the full scope of it. maybe they do? i couldn’t say for sure.
i wish we lived in a different world, one where this sort of thing wasn’t thought to be so weird, and where you could transition into an animal like people depict. i NEED to transition into an animal, especially sometimes. i don’t think i can convey how deadass i am.
i feel like i’m backed into a corner. i can’t do anything here; or like this. i need help.
what ON EARTH do i do? i’m trapped
#fox#foxkin#?#therian#??#species dysphoria#i guess#I WANT TO BE NORMAL#alterhuman#not alterhuman#nonhuman#not that#questioning#QUESTIONING MYSELF IN SOME SENSE#transspecies#I WANT TO MEDICALLY TRANSITION INTO AN ANIMAL. I WOULD GO EXCEPTIONALLY FAR FOR THIS. I NEED IT. IT’S EATING ME UP INSIDE
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
THE LOCKDOWN ON MY ACCOUNTS IS OVER, I CAN SPEAK AGAIN!!!
So, a lot of shit ended up going down, and idk if anyone gives a shit about it tbh but Im saying it anyway because otherwise I can and will spontaneously combust! :D
So, a while back I got back from my Omegamart trip, and a lot of stuff ended up happening so I was kinda put on a forced radio silence while investigations happened…
So I guess the guy I invited out might have killed…a lot of people.
We’re not gonna address how that makes me feel, because right now if I don’t joke about it I’ll cry. Guess my danger radar is still violently broken if I ended up being that gullible huh, haha….
The trip itself went alright…and maybe its mean to say, but I wish Charlotte had been there instead, I wish I maybe hadn’t tried so hard. I guess the whole thing gave Jova and Yuuma bad vibes, so my brother decided to do his job (I guess he used to be a cop, now he just does P.I. work) (I guess whatever he found was…a lot)
Idk, Jack seemed like he wasn't really…there, present, for most of it. He seemed excited at first? Maybe I read into shit wrong, I tend to do that I guess…
Once again I’m babbling to a bunch of strangers on the internet about shit that should probably stay personal but idk…I guess it’s nice, people knowing I’m alive and I didn’t make the biggest dumbfuck decision of my life somehow.
But yeah, I’m alive, I invited apparently a serial killer out, that’s fucking embarassing holy shit haha
Jova almost made me delete this account, and ngl I would have been really sad about that. I might apparently continue to prove why Yuuma worries about me bad enough he started running background checks and stalking the guy like he was being paid…I guess he dropped off whatever he found to some guy he used to work with, the police got involved because oh shit, murder….
Fucking hell I sound like I’m making a joke out of this, people fucking died…my dumbass was almost one of them…uh…yeah I’m alive, say hi if you feel like it? Honestly all of this going on makes me feel kinda buzzy in a really bad way, haha. Maybe I dont wanna talk about rabbits for a while, but that’s really all that’s been up in my life. Up till when all that came up, Jova just took my computer and the phone got put on lockdown for a while. Embarrassing, stupid shit. Maybe I can bully Yuuma into taking me to get a new lighter, only fair after he took away the last one.
#LIFE UPDATE HOLY SHIT#IF I CATCH ONE OF YOU SNITCHING TO MY BROTHERS SOMEHOW ITS OVER FOR YOU#ILL BITE YOUR ANKLES#LET ME HAVE MY HELL SITE IN PEACE#Here's your lesson kids all people you talk to on the internet are murderers /j
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The Thornes Ranked By Suspicion Level #2
I need an excuse to not do my homework yet, and some major shit is going down in Crimes of Passion. So here I am, once again ranking every Thorne + Duchess Eveline by how suspicious I am of them being the murderer, or at least directly involved somehow.
BIIIIG Disclaimer: This ranking list WILL have spoilers for chapter 13’s summary. If you have not seen chapter 13’s summary and don’t wish to have anything spoiled, LOOK AWAY NOW.
Suspicion Level: ☠️
12. Sebastyan. As revealed in the chapter 13 summary, Sebastyan, who was our prime suspect, is murdered. And given that chapter 12 takes place at Marguerite's fashion show, Sebastyan is likely murdered at her show. Now, I DO still believe there are two murderers, or at the very least, a murderer and a right-hand, but I honestly don't think Sebastyan was one of them.
Suspicion Level: None
11. Trystan. Once again, Trystan is not the type to murder.
10. King Maksim. I still feel like Maksim is going to end up murdered, maybe much later in the book, and saving his life is determinant (sort of like when Marguerite was kidnapped and she could potentially lose a finger if we performed poorly). Generally, Maksim seems very lost in the sauce as chaos runs rampant around him.
Suspicion Level: Low
9. Emika. Emika and their brother honestly don't strike me as murderers, just a couple of edgy twentysomethings who never mentally outgrew their teenage years.
8. Kaspar. Same as Emika, but more unhinged, and more of an idiot.
7. Marguerite. Marguerite, at this point, will have had two murders take place on the night of her fashion shows in Drakovia. This is a little suspicious, but given that she and Sebastyan still loved each other deeply despite the barrier between them, I really don't think she's the culprit. Still, Olivia did tell us to be wary of anyone who was nice to us, and Marguerite is the only Thorne who is actively nice to our crew rather than antagonistic or simply polite but indifferent. My suspicions of her aren't completely gone, but they've dissipated quite a bit. She is, however, guilty of a terrible fashion sense, and though Sebastyan might have been murdered, the true victim is the MC.
Suspicion Level: Medium
6. Lydea. I will admit my suspicions of Lydea, while initially low, skyrocketed when we found out that she's allegedly unexpressive and supposedly neutral regarding the Heir Act. I became even more wary when it was revealed that she was close to Vasili and Sebastyan.
5. Vasili. As of the latest few chapters, Vasili seems to appear out of nowhere, and I'm not gonna lie, under normal circumstances, my alarms would be going the fuck off. However, some part of me still just doesn't think it's him. He's not nice to our crew, nor is he openly antagonistic: he's as polite as decorum requires. That, and he and Sebastyan were apparently close enough that he accompanied the latter at his debate. It just seems too easy to suspect him, kind of like it was easy to suspect Sebastyan.
Suspicion Level: High
4. Patryk. What does this motherfucker even do? He's shady as hell and he tried to poison the main character just for internet clout so we know he's unhinged. I'm still going with my theory that he's either completely clean or he's the killer's right hand man. I also believe he's Queen Viktoria's suspected love child.
3. Duchess Eveline. I honestly don't even know what to make of her at this point. I strongly, strongly doubt she killed Sebastyan (she was actually worried his position on the Heir Act would make him a target at court), but as I said, I still think there are two murderers here. I feel as though she has something to gain from the deaths of those invested in the Heir Act, something that directly foils whatever the Queen may gain, but what?
Suspicion Level: WEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOO 🚨
2. Queen Viktoria. Between the suspected love child, the swift and deliberate shutdown of Juliana's death investigation, and her growing impatience with the main character's own investigation, I have no doubt in my mind that Queen Viktoria is either directly or indirectly involved in one or more murders. I do believe, however, that her motives and the hypothetical second murderer's motives don't align at all.
1. Astrid. While it's been heavily implied (not outright confirmed) that Sebastyan and Juliana were romantically involved, I have an inkling that she may have been romantically involved with Astrid, too. Her immediate attempt to shift the attention of the main character and Trystan to Sebastyan basically right before he's murdered is a HUGE red flag, especially since she cited evidence she consciously chose not to share the night of Nadja's murder. It's also worth noting that, while Juliana and Sebastyan's relationship is still NOT confirmed, there was a locket inside his work desk inscribed 'To my love'. It never says WHO this 'love' is, and given Astrid's sudden haste to draw attention to Sebastyan, I could totally see her having had it planted in his desk. Additionally, in a flashback the night of the murder, her boyfriend calls her his beautiful songbird. What did Juliana have in her possession? A bird whistle. And what got Juliana's attention on the yacht that lured her to her death? A bird call.
#crimes of passion#choices crimes of passion#choices cop#choices crimes#crimes of passion 2#choices crimes of passion 2#choices stories you play#playchoices#choices stories we play#pixelberry#pixelberry studios#playchoices fandom#choices stories you play fandom#choices stories we play fandom
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potentially getting really ahead of myself here but definitely something i Need to think about and keep in my head and uh. the sooner i do that, right now, the better, honestly, probably, because these are numbers i need to know and things i need to. consider. and, oh boy
i want to buy a house!! i want to own a house!! when i have to live by myself i don't want to live in an apartment i don't own, where the rent could be raised to something i can't afford, where i can't do whatever i want! so i want a house!! a little one! in the area! just for me! just mine! my pretty purple petunias and all that. that page from a house on mango street. that makes me cry. cause, yeah. yeah. that's it.
but i get disability. and like, one of the reasons my mom and i live together -- besides our genuine adoration of each other and enjoying each other's company -- is that, neither of us could afford to live alone. with her pension and real live work retirement social security, and my disability, we can do it together. just me, on just my disability?? that's.......................yikes
and there's like, programs for low income and very low income homeowners (unrelated but every time i type that. i see the meow.), for a much lower than average mortgage, but it does incrementally go up the second year and then the third year and on is the amount it'll be and. even that. i cannot. actually afford. the final mortgage amount (and i don't even know if that includes taxes or the required mortgage insurance) is under the amount of disability i get a month but when i add in the absolutely required bills (gas, water, electric, my phone, internet, tv) (tv is not necessarily absolutely required but our tv is bundled with the internet so my current number crunching was based on our current bill breakdowns and local estimations) i am like..........literally left with nothing. less than nothing actually bc i would not actually be able to afford all the bills on top of it. and that doesn't even include my medical insurance or food or copays or anything!! which is exhausting, and heartbreaking, like it actually should not be. this fucking hard. i know all the numbers!! i've put them all together!! and i should be able to manage it!! but i can't!! would i have enough in savings after the first two years of lower payments to swing it?? i didn't do that particular math but probably not, bc i don't think i'd actually be able to save a great deal! i want to start saving something now but i wish i had started like. god 7 years ago when i had the idle thought about it. but i also........disability payments are weird, okay. i want to have savings in cash bc i don't want them to come after my account, which is, a fear of mine, and has been for a long time. but then i don't want anyone to go, wow where'd you get all the cash????? and report me. idk.
i do not necessarily want a roommate just bc like......i love my brother but we can't live together. we need The Space. (he lives in the smallest bungalow in the world, nearby, and he rents.) i love best friend and i'd love to live with best friend, i think we'd do okay living together, but best friend lives and works over an hour away upstate and visits family on the weekends close to me, and i can't, live upstate. (best friend also lives with Twin, so.) and like.........my lifestyle and All The Cleaning And Masking is not something i can impose on best friend. i want privacy, and my own space, and, i shouldn't have to like, need more reasons than that!! it's not wrong to want your own space!! we all need our own space!!!!! it shouldn't be, unattainable, the idea of having a space that is Yours, just Yours
there's a life insurance benefit payment (that my aunt and i are working to get in the right sort of trust fund so THAT doesn't mess up my disability payments in the first fucking place, which is. oh a whole other frightening barrel of possible worms, yknow) and it's like, oh it's an amount, but it is Not at all enough to just outright buy a home. even with my brother's portion added (bc he said he doesn't want it). and there's also certain debts i know will need to be paid off, and then the remaining mortgage on my mom's house, and it's just. and also the funeral expenses (which we've planned) might be paid in advance, or taken out of the life insurance, and idk if that's from mom's life insurance part or one of our benefits, and. like if i didn't have any mortgage i could do it but then buying without a mortgage is like, oh your options are limited and likely Unsafe. it's a lot. it's a lot i might not need to know right now but a lot i Definitely Do Actually Need To Know And Have In My Head. there might be like, disability programs for housing, but i feel like a lot of them are like apartments or even efficiencies (and otherwise omg i canNOT afford rent. like. the rent around here????? hahahahaha.) and i just. why does it have to be so hard to have something that's just mine. where it's just me. where i own it. where my brother can come over and do his laundry. where i can paint the walls whatever color i want and poke as many tacks in them as i can. where i can just live comfortably, not at all extravagantly!! where i can have some savings stashed away to fix or replace an appliance if i need to. where i can sing and not worry about someone hearing me. and yeah, i'm gonna keep looking into it, i want to make it work so bad, but. god!!!!!
anyway. meanwhile i just actually need to get through to the social security office to change the payee to directly to me instead of my mom. it's just a pain. you ever tried to call YOUR local social security office?? oof. i did find A form online, but i'm not sure if it's the one we need. i know there are lots of specific services where like, if necessary, people can come to the house to do financial arranging, etc (like the funeral guy was here today, and he actually grew up down the street?? babysat one of my best friends?? that was a fucking incredible conversation.
my mom: he's single. me: mom, if he babysat squishy, he's gotta be like, ten years older than me!
my aunt: ooooo was he single????? me: HE BABYSAT SOMEONE MY AGE, NANCY!!!!!) (squishy is actually a year younger than me, but point stands.) (also my aunt is half-joking, half-seriously trying to set me up with like, multiple guys. nancy i don't want a religious sports man of indeterminable age from your workplace.) (i say indeterminable age bc --
my aunt: he's got a steady job! he's been at the company for 30 years! me: ..........................................i'm thirty, nancy my aunt: ....................wait)
SO hopefully that could be arranged here with that but it's. something to look into. next week, bc tomorrow is fucking SATURDAY. also best friend is coming over tomorrow so we can go for a walk. eat some cookies. maybe get a little warm drink in town idk.
also. general life advice -- if possible, look up the local utility authority where you live and check to see if they've ever needed to do a lead pipe inventory? you know, marking which houses in your area HAVE LEAD PIPES??? great map to have. we do not have lead pipes, but the UA has also been very unclear about, if you do have lead pipes, whether the homeowner or the county is responsible for replacing them over the next couple years with copper. so any house i like in the area (regardless of if it's actually for sale), i'm like, constantly bringing up the map and going, "lead???? do you have lead?????? please don't have lead."
#LULU VANDELAY IS AWARE OF LIFE EXPENSES AND IS TRYING TO NAVIGATE THEM -- THE POST! THE BLOG! THE EXPERIENCE!#anyway i gotta go empty the dishwasher and go to bed. just like..............trying to get my thoughts in. places.#about going [eyes emoji!!] at finances
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CW: Needles, Gender Dysphoria
A story I wrote to help me fall asleep, pardon if I’m not great at this stuff
She stared at her phone as she scrolled through the internet reading fantasies of boys forcefully becoming girls and she couldn’t help but feel envy
The clock flips as the calendar transitions from 23:59 Sunday to 00:00 Monday
Realizing she had forgotten to take her estrogen guilt starts to seep into the corners of her mind. Like the state of her room, she too felt in a state of disarray. All day she had planned on taking her medication, but she was distracted and locked into her normal patterns of playing on the computer or lying in bed hoping to have enough energy to get back up
Filled with sadness she looked to her bed and thought to herself that she would just have to do it in the morning, though she wished for a girlfriend who would help her do it. However before she could fully lay down, she felt as if someone was was talking in the form of thoughts flowing through her mind:
What are you doing, you promised that you would do your estrogen today
I know I did, but I just feel so tired I don’t even know if it’s worth it right now
Of course it’s worth doing right now, you won’t get the results you want unless if you take it
Feeling a surge of energy, she decided to grab the white bag in the pantry, inside the contents contained purple and blue needles, syringes, and a tiny bottle with a viscous fluid
She wiped the surface of the bottle and began to extract the contents, making sure no bubbles were inside
Honestly I don’t understand why I do this, every time I look into the mirror I just see the same boy I once was and it fills me with disgust. Even though I’ve been taking these meds it feels like nothing is changing at all
I’m so sorry dear, I know that you have had the desire to have been born a girl, but unfortunately you were dealt a bad hand and instead you were put in the body of a boy with the soul of a girl
She swapped the purple needle and replaced it with the blue one
It’s not even like it was that apparent to me either, for almost all my childhood I was convinced that I was a boy, that I had to be one, even when I wasn’t into sports, or hunting, or manly things. Hell, I never felt extremely comfortable being in boys groups and I loathed it when I was in public spaces with my chest exposed, it just felt so wrong
She grabs an alcohol wipe and began to clean the surface of her thigh
It’s just so hard, I want to be a girl so bad but it feels like I’ll never be the girl I want to be, I have facial hair on my face that comes back in a couple days, my boobs are not large, I don’t even have the ability to speak femininely and it hurts so bad
I know you don’t feel comfortable looking at yourself in the mirror, but do you want me to tell you a secret?
The needle sinks into her thigh. Her leg twitched and began to ache as the metal pierced her flesh
1.0
No matter what, you will always be valid and you’ll always be beautiful
The pain increased as the plunger pushed the thick fluid into her leg
0.8
It doesn’t matter if you do or don’t take estrogen
It doesn’t matter if you have no hair on your face or if you do
It doesn’t matter if you put yourself in cute girly outfits or if you wear shorts and a t-shirt
You will always be valid
She let out a moan as the syringe reached the halfway mark
0.5
I know, but it feels hard most days
Darling, I know that there will be people who treat you poorly just on the basis you are trans, but they can go fuck themselves.
I’m so proud of you for taking your meds, and I’m so proud of the woman you are becoming. So are your friends. They see how genuinely happy you look since you’ve taken HRT and cheer you on
The last of the medication is injected into her, and she feels her leg is filled.
0.0
She puts on a cute pink and blue bandaid and walked to the kitchen, putting away the bag and grabbing her anti-testosterone meds and drinks water
I love you, and I know one day you will look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman that your friends see, that I see. Change takes time, be patient with yourself and you will see progress one day
Thank you, for giving me the strength to do what I must to be happy
She crawls into bed, grabs her blåhaj and finally succumbed to exhaustion
Goodnight Darling, sweet dreams
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I think it's because in BTS even if it was mostly rapline writing the lyrics it didn't feel like such big disconnect because they're bts members. Maybe a specific bts member didn't write the song but a bts member still wrote the song and people have different approaches to/expectations of different musicians based off of the type of artist they show themselves to be. No one ever fucking cares if Rih ain't credited on a song because that's not her thing. If the blonde girl released an entire album of non self written songs people it would be shocking because being a writer is tied into her identity as an artist. I mean some people were writing think pieces about the English trilogy and I think they was way more dramatic considering they're not completely uncredited the songs were released over several years and there was an entire album they created in the midst. Part of its lowkey cus armys were fighting for bts pen game for years and it's making us look bad now which isn't jk's (or tae's) problem but also you can't go around calling people talentless frauds who can't pick up a pen for years and not feel the slightest disappointment at your faves not participating in something they said they working on for years without extreme disconnect. People used it to talk shit but it was also a point of pride outside of other people.
I think you yourself have explained that this is simply a them problem and not a bangtan problem. And at the end of the day, jungkook can write and produce music, (some of the best music on the bangtan roster have come from him) so any anti saying he's incapable of writing music is just looking for a lazy drag.
At the end of the day, self produced albums may have been closely linked to bts as a group but all the members that make up bts, never committed to this sentiment. Jungkook especially puts his singing as the most inherent part of his artistry, so if he chooses to focus on that and his choreography and let's go of the writing/producing so he could release golden, then honestly what's so wrong about it? I would have understood the "immense disappointment "if it was Namjoon who was releasing an album in this format since his lyrics have always been central to the music he's released. But for someone like Jungkook whose time and time again talked about how conveying the right emotions in his singing and putting a powerful performance as being his greatest priorities as an artist, this format tracks for him completely. Interpretation of lyrics into music is also an art form in itself and shouldnt be looked down upon. Maybe in the future he will endeavor to more self production too, but I don't think his current desicions right now are taking away from his, or bangtans legacy for that matter. It's only breaking him and bangtan further into the industry and I'm not going to wish against it just because antis on the internet have something new to "drag them" about.
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HUGE TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD !!
mentions of murder, child abuse, p€dophilia, r@pe, cannibalism, drugs and sexual assault, necrophilia. (let me know if there's more)
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i warned you at the top of this post, don't read if any of the mentioned topics trigger you.
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i've been studying true crime for as long as i can remember but i've never been that shocked until now. until i heard about the daisy's destruction case. peter scully is a 61 old man (he currently is in jail) who have done the most gut wrenching, horrifying things i've read. he didn't act alone but he was the "brain" of these crimes. he and his two "girlfriends" kidnapped children promising their parents health and a great situation or whatever but that's clearly not what happened. now the story behind daisy's destruction is fucking insane and horrifying so it's not too late to quit, i don't wanna be in charge of any tears or anything take care of yourselves. one of the girls kidnapped three children. liza, cindy and daisy (i believe this is their names, i apologize if not). i haven't seen the video daisy's destruction since we can't find it on this side of the internet, only on the dark web and for obvious reasons i will not go on the dark web. especially not to see this horror. peter basically r@ped those little girls. to clarify, liza was 11, cindy was 10 and daisy was 18 months old. peter had cindy digging her own grave before strangling her to death. liza and daisy are still alive but they obviously are traumatized and it was confirmed that daisy is unable to have children due to severe injuries around her vagina. i wish them the best and i hope cindy is resting in peace after the hell she went through.
jeffrey dahmer. dear lord, where do i even start? jeffrey would hang in gay bars around the 80s due to his sexuality if i'm correct (correct me if not). i've been studying jeffrey's case for longer so i mostly know what i'm talking about unlike peter's case but i'm not perfect so i might make mistakes so don't hesitate to correct me. jeffrey has always been "fascinated" by death and everything that revolves around it. he would dissect dead animals with his father as a hobby. growing up, jeffrey will realize it's more than just a "scientific" fascination. it sexually attracted him. he would start off by drugging his victim's drink so it'd be "easier" to get them home (please stay safe you guys, psychos are everywhere, always hold your drinks wherever you go). his victims were all males in their 20s or so except for one who was 14. jeffrey was grown when he killed that 14 year old boy. i've personally seen pictures of jeffrey's appartement after he got arrested and those picture made me so uncomfortable. i've also seen jeffrey's polaroids and i don't even wanna comment on it. what kills me is that those photos are so easy to find like that just disgusts me and it made me so uncomfortable.
now, why did i tell y'all all that, hm? there's obviously a reason and you're right. there is. it might sound dumb or like i'm overreacting but i promise i'm not. i've seen MULTIPLE facebook pages, tiktok edits and instagram accounts glorifying and idolizing those monsters. mostly jeffrey because peter's case isn't really known but i have seen "fan" accounts of them both. it's sickening. y'all realize they took the life of innocent, beautiful people. OF KIDS. like. even if peter didn't kill liza and daisy, he still took their life away from them. jeffrey murdered, ate and drugged people. peter raped, murdered and tortured little girls and you have nothing better to do than to create a fucking fan account to support them? you're sick. honestly, fucking disgusting. you think peter or jeffrey would show mercy to you if you were in front of them? you think they'd be like "oh you're my fan, all good!" NO, THEY WOULDN'T. they are murderers and you are glorifying their actions. honestly, you're as sick as peter and jeffrey if you think their actions are okay. i'm sick to my stomach just thinking about the edits i saw of jeffrey with a cute ass stupid caption saying "i could fix him" or "he wouldn't hurt anyone" well shame on you. he did and he admitted to it. the families of the victims maybe have facebook, tiktok or instagram. how do you think they'd feel if they saw their son's/daughter's, cousin's, little brother's/sister's, nephew's/niece's murderer being loved, supported and idolized? you guys are sick. you need to get off your phone and go touch some grass seriously.
that's all i wanted to say, goodnight.
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