#LULU VANDELAY IS AWARE OF LIFE EXPENSES AND IS TRYING TO NAVIGATE THEM -- THE POST! THE BLOG! THE EXPERIENCE!

[whoslaurapalmer]

potentially getting really ahead of myself here but definitely something i Need to think about and keep in my head and uh. the sooner i do that, right now, the better, honestly, probably, because these are numbers i need to know and things i need to. consider. and, oh boy

i want to buy a house!! i want to own a house!! when i have to live by myself i don't want to live in an apartment i don't own, where the rent could be raised to something i can't afford, where i can't do whatever i want! so i want a house!! a little one! in the area! just for me! just mine! my pretty purple petunias and all that. that page from a house on mango street. that makes me cry. cause, yeah. yeah. that's it.

but i get disability. and like, one of the reasons my mom and i live together -- besides our genuine adoration of each other and enjoying each other's company -- is that, neither of us could afford to live alone. with her pension and real live work retirement social security, and my disability, we can do it together. just me, on just my disability?? that's.......................yikes

and there's like, programs for low income and very low income homeowners (unrelated but every time i type that. i see the meow.), for a much lower than average mortgage, but it does incrementally go up the second year and then the third year and on is the amount it'll be and. even that. i cannot. actually afford. the final mortgage amount (and i don't even know if that includes taxes or the required mortgage insurance) is under the amount of disability i get a month but when i add in the absolutely required bills (gas, water, electric, my phone, internet, tv) (tv is not necessarily absolutely required but our tv is bundled with the internet so my current number crunching was based on our current bill breakdowns and local estimations) i am like..........literally left with nothing. less than nothing actually bc i would not actually be able to afford all the bills on top of it. and that doesn't even include my medical insurance or food or copays or anything!! which is exhausting, and heartbreaking, like it actually should not be. this fucking hard. i know all the numbers!! i've put them all together!! and i should be able to manage it!! but i can't!! would i have enough in savings after the first two years of lower payments to swing it?? i didn't do that particular math but probably not, bc i don't think i'd actually be able to save a great deal! i want to start saving something now but i wish i had started like. god 7 years ago when i had the idle thought about it. but i also........disability payments are weird, okay. i want to have savings in cash bc i don't want them to come after my account, which is, a fear of mine, and has been for a long time. but then i don't want anyone to go, wow where'd you get all the cash????? and report me. idk.

i do not necessarily want a roommate just bc like......i love my brother but we can't live together. we need The Space. (he lives in the smallest bungalow in the world, nearby, and he rents.) i love best friend and i'd love to live with best friend, i think we'd do okay living together, but best friend lives and works over an hour away upstate and visits family on the weekends close to me, and i can't, live upstate. (best friend also lives with Twin, so.) and like.........my lifestyle and All The Cleaning And Masking is not something i can impose on best friend. i want privacy, and my own space, and, i shouldn't have to like, need more reasons than that!! it's not wrong to want your own space!! we all need our own space!!!!! it shouldn't be, unattainable, the idea of having a space that is Yours, just Yours

there's a life insurance benefit payment (that my aunt and i are working to get in the right sort of trust fund so THAT doesn't mess up my disability payments in the first fucking place, which is. oh a whole other frightening barrel of possible worms, yknow) and it's like, oh it's an amount, but it is Not at all enough to just outright buy a home. even with my brother's portion added (bc he said he doesn't want it). and there's also certain debts i know will need to be paid off, and then the remaining mortgage on my mom's house, and it's just. and also the funeral expenses (which we've planned) might be paid in advance, or taken out of the life insurance, and idk if that's from mom's life insurance part or one of our benefits, and. like if i didn't have any mortgage i could do it but then buying without a mortgage is like, oh your options are limited and likely Unsafe. it's a lot. it's a lot i might not need to know right now but a lot i Definitely Do Actually Need To Know And Have In My Head. there might be like, disability programs for housing, but i feel like a lot of them are like apartments or even efficiencies (and otherwise omg i canNOT afford rent. like. the rent around here????? hahahahaha.) and i just. why does it have to be so hard to have something that's just mine. where it's just me. where i own it. where my brother can come over and do his laundry. where i can paint the walls whatever color i want and poke as many tacks in them as i can. where i can just live comfortably, not at all extravagantly!! where i can have some savings stashed away to fix or replace an appliance if i need to. where i can sing and not worry about someone hearing me. and yeah, i'm gonna keep looking into it, i want to make it work so bad, but. god!!!!!

anyway. meanwhile i just actually need to get through to the social security office to change the payee to directly to me instead of my mom. it's just a pain. you ever tried to call YOUR local social security office?? oof. i did find A form online, but i'm not sure if it's the one we need. i know there are lots of specific services where like, if necessary, people can come to the house to do financial arranging, etc (like the funeral guy was here today, and he actually grew up down the street?? babysat one of my best friends?? that was a fucking incredible conversation.

my mom: he's single. me: mom, if he babysat squishy, he's gotta be like, ten years older than me!

my aunt: ooooo was he single????? me: HE BABYSAT SOMEONE MY AGE, NANCY!!!!!) (squishy is actually a year younger than me, but point stands.) (also my aunt is half-joking, half-seriously trying to set me up with like, multiple guys. nancy i don't want a religious sports man of indeterminable age from your workplace.) (i say indeterminable age bc --

my aunt: he's got a steady job! he's been at the company for 30 years! me: ..........................................i'm thirty, nancy my aunt: ....................wait)

SO hopefully that could be arranged here with that but it's. something to look into. next week, bc tomorrow is fucking SATURDAY. also best friend is coming over tomorrow so we can go for a walk. eat some cookies. maybe get a little warm drink in town idk.

also. general life advice -- if possible, look up the local utility authority where you live and check to see if they've ever needed to do a lead pipe inventory? you know, marking which houses in your area HAVE LEAD PIPES??? great map to have. we do not have lead pipes, but the UA has also been very unclear about, if you do have lead pipes, whether the homeowner or the county is responsible for replacing them over the next couple years with copper. so any house i like in the area (regardless of if it's actually for sale), i'm like, constantly bringing up the map and going, "lead???? do you have lead?????? please don't have lead."