#and i can and will make any party work.
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Day 9
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My fav party composition
#ddtober#darkest dungeon#darkest dungeon 2#theme was circus but didnt play the butchers circus sorry i hate pvp#everywhere#also idc about party sync all i care about is to put my fav pookies together and make them kiss#and i can and will make any party work.
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joel etho single dads au .........
#esp if we go w liml family#etho with scar and bdubs at the park#joel with hermes#their kids meet and become best friends and keep begging for five more minutes until theyre the last ones at the park#so joel and etho inevitably meet and start talking because theyre both hella bored waiting for their kids#and joel lowk kinda cannot stand etho#hes like “igh this guy is sooo pretentious i could sense it from a mile away. who does he think he is with that stupid white hair”#��newsflash it doesnt make you look cool it makes you look old as hell”#(but he doesnt say any of this)#(obviously)#and it works best if etho is totally oblivious#dude is just waiting 2 drop off scar n bdubs back home2 cleo so he can try2 get the Good Nights SleepTM hes been chasing since he was a bab#then they find out their kids go to the same school#and so obviously joel has decided to make it his mission in life to one up everything etho does#at this point etho is fully aware and finds it hilarious#because he is an Expert in these things okay. hes been making brownies for scar's bake sales since before hermes was Born#and joel can try as hard as he can but he just Cannot reach that level.#he can make as many cupcakes as he wants but none of them r gonna beat the gooey deliciousness of ethos chocolate chip triple layer brownie#and that is just soooo infuriating to him. his blood is boilimg at Every Single Parent Led Bake Sale Ever#and its even worse because etho looks like hes about to spontaneously combust at any possible second#his hair is a mess. deepppp eyebags. hes been running on maybe an hour of sleep every night for the past what eight years???#but hes sooo consistently perfect at everything.#joel hates him.#but like they also have to put up with each other at playdates and parties and whatnot because i repeat their kids are Best Friends#aughhh idk theres some potential there. i promise im just not getting it across very well#nya talks#trafficblr#hermitblr#joel smallishbeans
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the tiny, inside the walls, hyping themself up: It’s totally fine. Everything I’ve seen from this human shows that they’re kind, level headed, and normal. There’s utterly nothing wrong with this human, and I can totally befriend them! I shouldn’t be scared at all!
the tiny: *peeks out hole in the bathroom wall, looking up at the giant before them*
the giant, in front of the bathroom sink, obliviously doing their nightly routine: *removes their dentures*
the tiny, has no concept of what dentures are, who just saw this behemoth remove all the bones and flesh from its own mouth in one swift pull, without a flinch of pain: what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
#g/t#giant tiny#teeth tw#slight body horror tw#i feel like that warrants a tag#anyways I MIGHT HAVE TO GET DENTURES. FUCKIN WHAT#IM TWENTY FIVE#tbh i knew i needed them. but still. got that news today. fuckin nuts#anyways. sorry to ramble abt my irl life. but if i told any of my irl friends i was getting dentures id be roasted#not in a mean way. but there was a denture related incident at the place we all worked years ago. and they would be making parallels so fast#plus i think itll be fun to tell no one and then yank em out at a party as a surprise#can u even yank dentures. idk. ill find out tho!#again sorry for rambling i just love to ramble actually#(also absolutely no shame against ppl w dentures! teeth r incredibly important to self esteem tbh and dentures r a wonderful aid to have)#(like man im gonna smile so much after. chew w both sides of my mouth)#GO BRUSH UR TEETH BTW
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Wish the party loyalist "stop making Harris look bad bc Trump" people would realize that a) denying reality is exactly what the right does and b) it is on the candidate to win votes by not being a genocide enabling sellout moderate getting endorsed by the fucking Cheneys for her hawkishness on foreign policy while promising little for people at home, not on the voter disillusioned by said issues that the candidate could rectify
#i say i'm done but seeing another one of those posts will make me roll my eyes hard again#this has been going on since 2016 and it's wild how much narrower the overton window has gotten to push these neoliberals#trump is shit but his being shit does not absolve blue team of the shit and blood on their hands#people really need to demand more for their votes#when they lose GA and NC bc of reneging on those $2K checks or saying no to giving Helene victims more aid#[and likely FL too if they follow suit with Milton swinginess aside]#the same people will likely rage at the people left to their rubble for not voting harder#like i'm sure they have at the muslims so rightly outraged at our support for the 🇵🇸 genocide that they refuse to vote for either party#meanwhile i get an email from work saying we have more payroll deductions this next year for our healthcare plans and there's been no talk#of M4A or even some mealy-mouthed means-tested version of it to win votes#and ofc there's student loans starting back up and their burning even more youth votes they were already losing with Gaza#let alone record homelessness... a housing crisis... lead/chemical poisonings... and so on#'we can push her left' they say knowing she takes money from people opposed to her going left on any policies--#and that they're going to brunch anyway#'fascism 2 is coming' *points at Dem-admin/Dem-mayor cop cities* *points at IG accounts being censored bc of being pro-Palestine* been here#anyway pre bed vent over 😴
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attempt to idly discuss concept of custom wedding vows with 🌸 ground to a halt after the realization that neither of us actually, like, wants to try to figure out what the fuck we'd be promising
can you do custom vows, but instead of vows to do stuff, it's just a list of the superbly good qualities of the other person in order to make it clear why any rational actor would agree that you should obviously plan to keep hanging out with them as long as possible
#getting married is not really a thing id be doing in order to concretize any promise that isn't 'we really really want to keep doing this#and want to experience various economic benefits of that desire and also invite my family to celebrate about how great 🌸 is'#it's not that i don't consider us to have commitments to each other it's just like. the vows would be essentially 'i promise to try to have#continuity of personality with my current self to the extent that that bears on the qualities that make our relationship work well'#i don't know why it bothers me so much. but the idea of idk. promising to always listen to 🌸 or whatever feels genuinely horrible#it's sort of. parodic? either i'm doing it and/or have given good reason to believe i would be receptive to and capable of working toward i#or not. and either way. why are our families watching us reiterate that information.#on the other hand i would REALLY like to get up and give a speech about 🌸's innumerable deeply admirable qualities which strongly#motivate me to continue living with and knowing and supporting them.#so if i do that instead. do you think anyone will like. notice.#box opener#i guess it's good to realize that i have a STRONG IDEOLOGICAL OPPOSITION TO WEDDING VOWS before we're publicly engaged#but also. we are really rejecting a lot of the wedding concept. it's possible this is going to end up being two speeches and a dance party.#a rabbi can stand nearby. for ambiance.
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now that i'm playing dragon age: veilguard i understand hbomberguy so much better. think i could probably do a 3.5 hours long video called "dragon age: the veilguard is FINE and here's why"
#the writing in dragon age has Always been a bit clunky it's part of the charm#but yes there are sections in DAV that made me go “oh nooo”#but no it isn't as bad as people say#the mechanics are fun idc. it's bad that my new laptop can run all of BG3 fine but becomes laggy as hell in any city location in DAV tho#companions r generally charming and they're all professionals so it makes sense they're less prone to big fights than say DAO morrigan#but yes i do miss having a bit more tension in the party sometimes#the character creator is great for dudes but yea it would probably b cool if it were possible to have curvier bodies for those who want tha#but no it isn't literally impossible to make good-looking rooks. it's quite easy actually#and like yeah you can't have wildly out there body types but it's pretty cool that you can be a geralt type a twink or chubby as a dude#(i play male characters and have only done the female cc once for a custom f!inquisitor so i have more experience w that one)#the qunari also look. fine? the antaam don't look too soft or anything so far#the majority of complaints against this game were stupid and not rooted in anything real#BUT!!! i don't love it#solas continues to be a highlight#lucanis is great so far and i love neve#neve's voice acting is amazing#she manages to make some very disappointing lines sound good#but..... i can't pretend the writing *isn't* awkward in places#d'meta's crossing stands out to me as a pretty bad case of overly direct storytelling#(spoilers) talking to the mayor was deeply disappointing! he just TOLD rook what he did and why. it felt so anticlimactic#especially bc the imagery in the village was striking and grotesque#but there didn't feel like there was any payoff#other sections have been great#but DAV just feels like it completely lacks subtlety at times#the other DA games haven't always been masters of show dont tell but this section felt like a first draft#like someone was working out the story and didn't have time to polish the script at all before the voice actors were called in#idk it really stands out to me as bad#also yeah it's noticeable that you don't really get to do evil things. at least not yet
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Oh my god Thanksgiving was a week ago and not once have I thought abt what it would be like to bring Mojo to a family gathering 😂😂😂😂
#i definitely would not have told anyone abt it so can you IMAGINE showing up to a family party with a supervillain chimp 💀💀#AND SAYING THAT UR DATING 💀💀💀💀💀 HRNSJSBXHF GOD#my big ass loud ass black/puerto rican family would give him a heart attack#ur tellin me he would be ANY good at parties?? where he's not allowed to be a jerk cuz he'd make me sad? no fuckin way 😂#bro locks himself in a bathroom after 20 minutes cuz this is not his vibe at all rhenshshdb#now im thinking abt this hrnsjxbf oh great 😂😂 i have to work this next flight now but thisll be on my mind hrnensjf#ruby rambles#💜: loving you's a felony
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hm. i do not like chilshi 🤔
#sylph.txt#everyone likes to joke abt how much of an epic divorce man chilchuck is#but i dont think he ever even refers to her as his ex-wife. i could b wrong bc it's been a while since i read it tho#idk a lot of his arc is him learning to b more open w others (which is essentially what ended his relationship)#and u can see how much he's grown in the chapter where senshi goes into his past#to me it would b a lot sweeter for him to take on these lessons and go back to her and make things work#it's been 4 years but he's remained loyal to her depite their issues. idk to me it rlly does feel like he still loves her he's just a fool#it's made p clear that he's a coward and that he's quick to run away so actually committing to her would b a nice way to wrap things up#we don't get to see much of his wife so i get y ppl r quick to put him w the only other man in the party#but like senshi knows abt his wife too like i do not think he's gnna b making any moves here bc he has morals lmao#(*only other older man in the party. laios doesn't qualify for old man yaoi to most chilshi likers)#(even tho chilchuck isn't old either but shh they don't care abt that)#when it comes to senshi the changeling chapter def helped him w understanding how old the rest of the party is#but he clearly still views them as significantly younger than him#i don't think he views chil as a child anymore but for the majority of their time together he did#and so going from that to in a relationship is uhh rlly weird to me!#senshi has always taken a sort of parental role upon himself#w him romance is no where as interesting as the platonic bonds he has w the rest of the party#similar to how romance is entirely unimportant to izutsumi in the succubus chapter#idk i def don't hate the pairing and there r some takes on it that i find funny#but for me i just don't see anything between them i think ppl just want an m/m ship to play with#that ao3 gap is only gnna get bigger lmao
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the way that if any bh member died now it wouldnt even be a "oh no im gonna miss them :(" feeling but more so a "man they didnt even really get a chance to finish anything" feeling is.
#bh didnt really get a chance to make enough 'good' memories to miss anything about the group dynamic if one dies#like look at fcg he died and the only reason it's like 'damn' is because he died Before aeor and speaking to gods#so i dont miss him so much as miss his missed opportunities lol#and then if orym had died to zathuda it wouldve been like 'damn he died protecting someone but what a dumb and sudden battle yknow? oh well#not even to begin talkin about how the plot makes bh a slightly 'unbiased' (HEAVY quotation marks) party#but it also makes it so they really dgaf what happens either way when it comes down to it and you can Feel that#DIDNT EVEN GET TO EXPLORE PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS OUTSIDE OF EACH OTHER ENOUGH#TO FEEL ANY STAKES IN LOSING THE WORLD#like if everyone but bh died really who are we losing. why do i care.#like try answering that question without mentioning people who AREN'T from this campaign#we didnt spend enough time with npcs for their absence to be felt more than 'ohh noo :( anyway'#theyve got nothing to fight for and NO thats not deep or on purpose theyre barely even fighting for each other#'class of students who's plane crashed on an island and they just gotta work together now' ass party dynamic I HATE IT HERE#anyway ignore everything i do love cr3 im just unbelievably frustrated at [gestures wildly and indiscriminately]#'yeah cr3 sucks compared to--' shut up youre not affiliated with me
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Yes it's a response to your last poll reblogged... I try to not care about kudos and comments but it's hard
AH
sorry nonny my reading comprehension rn is like -50% due to being distracted at all times by the show dropping tomorrow morning, but like, I think it's a matter of like, not necessarily not caring about kudos and comments and such because like, these are nice things to have! We are wired to like it when people go "I LIKE THIS!" about stuff that we make. Why would a person stop caring about that? That seems counter intuitive to me.
But more like, getting stuck on a toxic spiral of "I am creating this so someone will tell me that they like it" -> "I am sad because no one has told me they like it yet" is perhaps, not the greatest use of emotional bandwidth or time.
Also I've seen this happen and like, there comes a point in this spiral where even the biggest numbers imaginable will not fulfill a person who's stuck in this spiral. Think thousands of comments, four or five digit kudos counts, dozens of comments per chapter. None of it actually fulfilled them. They spent so much time obsessing over when to drop a chapter to get the maximum amount of "engagement" that it really sucked all the joy out of like, even getting comments at all. Or writing. Which sucked!
I'm a big proponent of hoarding those good feelings you have about your own work whenever you can, and not letting those good feelings be dictated by stuff you can't control, like other people reacting to it in some way, which is yes, easier said than done.
Overall, sending you a hug Nonny, because I think we all get this way sometimes.
#pinning your hopes about the interaction we get from other people which is necessarily going to be fickle#and have nothing to do with quality or how much work went into a creative endeavor#is going to make you miserable#asks and answers#like I think when people say “oh you shouldn't care about comments/kudos”#they really mean#but the first one is easier to say bc it's cool you know.#anyway I think the best thing I've done for myself is to like#1) get friends I can ramble to#and 2) convince myself that any fic I put on ao3 is going to get myself very excited#maybe two tumbleweeds#this way I am always pleasantly surprised when someone else shows up to my rarepair party#like “OMG A PERSON! WOOOOOO”
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life is so weird
#also am I just learning to summon better and better people as life goes on#cuz theres like 2 ppl who follow these tag rants from me so you might know but like. my luck is so bad#but i fell out of probably the eorst year of my life and built a somewhat stable foundation and now it just feels wrong#like oof#i still love james right but I'm tiptoeing into a relationship with someone sweet in a different way#and I make lots of spare money to buy fun shit#paying off my loans which i never imagined being able to do well#and i can drive i have furniture I actually like i have both of my cats I like my job too bc its genuinely challenging and not 100% monotone#the only thing id improve is the amount of exercise I get but thats partly due to the weather and school traffic preventing me from biking#to work anymore#its crazy#crazy crazy#whats next I'm gonna be able to visit my friends whenever? and do hobbies comfortably? take my jangle to a vet?#insane#and ofc im waiting for the floor to drop obviously and it also feels like i dont deserve any of this but its also just. nice#personal#ignore me#idk#anyway#updates for my concerned parties even tho I brushed yall off at my darkest for selfish reasons and wallowing
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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in retrospect sangfielle was kind of like extremely foundationally flawed
#op#2 problems i can see are that like. heart is a game about dipshits getting killed and if you make a character to last the whole length of a#campaign or a whole party full of them the vibe will actually be extremely weird#the other thing is that the way tiers work is really core to the game imo and if you throw that out you lose a lot of what makes the game#special for not any real benefit
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.
#it’s been a hell of a day today#mostly work stuff but also people I care about having a bad time in ways I can’t fix or help with#and I’m frustrated that I can’t make anything better for any of this#could also have done without someone critiquing my parenting thanks ever so much#new day tomorrow right? I can start over then#sorry for the pity party but I’m writing this instead of having a little weep in the office
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~ ~ ~
#today I am sad about something that I know objectively is dumb#my 30th birthday is next week and the party will be next Saturday and I’m having a dinner at a nice restaurant in town#I wasn’t supposed to make it to 30 and never thought I would but now somehow I have and so this birthday is like…#a really huge deal to me you know#and I always wanted to be able to have a big party to celebrate this specific occasion and in my head I pictured all my friends/family there#I figured this would be one of the biggest parties I’d ever get to throw because to me this is the biggest milestone I’ve gotten to so far#but out of all the people I’ve invited the most that will probably reasonably show is about 10#and even that’s a bit iffy because tbh I’m pretty sure my bestie will flake on me like he always does#and if he doesn’t show up that might just end the friendship but that’s another matter entirely#also iffy because I haven’t gotten a lot of responses still even though I made the event and sent invites two weeks ago#I just… thought I had more friends than that if that makes sense#like I had bigger parties with more people attending in high school and I barely had any friends then#I’ve thrown low key Halloween parties in my mom’s apartment that had more people show up#now I’m at the most important moment of my life (so far) and I’ll barely have anyone with me#lately it just feels like less and less people care about me for real despite how many I know around work or how many are on my Facebook#it feels like my world keeps shrinking and I really don’t want that because it’s been small enough as it is#I just feel like I’m never really going to find my place or have big groups of friends like everyone else#I’m never going to have a group of friends or people I can rely on to spend time with me when needed#as it is planning things gets harder the older we get anyway just due to needing to tend to adult life#guess I still just want what everyone else has and I don’t know why I can’t have those things#and I know it’s stupid and selfish and whiny but I really want to cry because I’m so depressed that I have barely anyone in my life at all#barely anyone to celebrate something so important to me and so few who even seem to care at all either#I’m grateful for everyone I do have honestly#but that doesn’t offset this weird pain in my chest over this whole situation#maybe I should just curl up and cry until this all passes and I can go back to pretending it doesn’t matter#personal
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very very personal, just insight into where im at w my family and things that bother me/have encouraged me to move out
"i know youre moving out so im just gonna say no ones kicking you out and if you feel like this is something you have to do then ok"
thanks! i know im not being kicked out! but yknow i kinda yet a weird vibe when your out of touch husband takes me to a cemetery to yell at me, tell me im just like my father/dont give my father "the time of day", and that im "mean to people who care about me" in front of his dead mother's grave in a poor attempt at guilting me out of speaking my mind. but no yeah thanks for stating the fucking obvious that im leaving on my own terms
#problems!#people seem to underestimate how quick i am to make moves#the job market is piss. cant believe yall two would blame me for being unemployed when all i do from rise to slumber is hound ppl for jobs#im not going to stay in a house where i will be 'scared straight'. that shit doesnt work on me. in fact it has the opposite effect#i respect yall even LESS now#and youre so so fucking lucky one of my goals for next year is to make things right with you it would be easy to cut you off forever#same way i did with my abusive transphobic dad.#my mom is someone i know can do better and can actually listen to reason instead of being stuck in her generation's mentality of#'x is easy if you just do y. you kids have it so easy the world is at your fingertips' blah blah fucking blah#i am autistic i do not keep jobs easily. i am trans jobs do not want me. i am black and perceived as a woman. every customer at all of my#past jobs thinks i am rude or mean or have an attitude when i do nothing but treat others the exact way i would want to be treated#customers dont like what i say? i stop talking. customers dont like when i dont talk? i talk to them. rinse repeat#like i know im the problem here but all of my problems circle back to my autism and the fact that because im not a supergenius or#someone whose special interest is capitalism i fail at every avenue i try to jam myself in.#but yeah no i need to work harder i need to be taken to a FUCKING CEMETERY and yelled at by YOUR HUSBAND for wanting to go to the bathroom#in front of his mothers grave. god rest her soul and yall know im no christian so i actually mean that shit#because in his mind all i want to do is smoke and party. when i smoke because i have fucking migraines and g to shows#(two out of three of them being free and for the purpose of their willingness to 'get me out of the house')#bc i like music and i like engaging w my scene. but no its all violent noise theres no actual purpose or activism behind moshing. nope#its just one big party right. im just wasting my time right. because i like sleepin on a couch every night with no doors to close. yep ok#anyway heres to me getting my meds getting the fuck out and being somewhat far from my scene now that im moving#hows that for smoking and partying all the time huh?#if any of yall read this i am so so sorry. bitching about my stepdad will become a thing i think#hes one of those bible thumpers that are totally boring and indifferent to differences around them and thinks my mom is just like him#in some ways? she is. but she is a people pleaser and will never take her wants or her feelings seriously#because she had the unfortunate upbringing in being brainwashed into thinking her feelings/wants are sinful#shoutout to my christian or catholic mutuals who are fucking normal and dont let some old fantasy novel control your life. peace#religion mention
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