#and get it out of the way and then cycled right back to discouraging myself and thinking of worst case scenarios

[samuraisharkie]

I’ve said this to friends earlier but I’m saying it here, lately i keep telling myself everytime I balk at doing things bc I don’t feel quite “right” yet, just “do it scared”, “do it weird”, “do it badly” “but do it” LOL my new mantra while I’m fighting my way out of silent hill, no “just do it” bc that doesn’t hit quite right, I have to add “scared/weird/wrong/badly” for it to hit right. idk why but it’s probably a good mentality to have to avoid getting stuck

[cloverapple]

hiii! i came across your blog yesterday, and i love your advice. that's why i feel like you would be the best person to ask these questions that I've been having for the longest time (sorry, long read ahead).

I've studied LOA for the past 2 years or so, and even though i have a good understanding of it, there are some things that always trip me up when it comes to shifting.

how do i deal with waking up to the 3d? yes, by assuming that you are in your dr and that you shifted last night. that's the most logical answer. but even though i know that, sometimes it is a lot easier said than done. for example, a few days ago i wanted to manifest shifting by simply deciding i could shift on command and that i am there. i could be 100% sure the day before that it would happen. the whole day, and even a few days after that I'd stay in that state of being a master shifter, and i would feel amazing because of it. but it's like there always comes a point where i wake up to the 3d and i get discouraged (yes, i acknowledge that i am manifesting that reality by saying this, but i finally have to get this off my chest). my thoughts get all messed up and i start spiraling, returning to my previous state. i start questioning myself a bit and feel down. the main reason for that being time.

it took me so so long to figure out this issue about myself. I'd be like: how long is it gonna take? when will it happen? i know i have it in the 4d but when will it appear in the 3d? having it in the 4d isn't enough, i need to have it in the 3d right now. stuff like that. i find it very difficult to formulate my thoughts, but basically I'm in a spiral of:

watching a video/reading a post about LOA/shifting that reminds me of how easy it is -> applying LOA to shifting/any desire in a way that feels good for a few days at most -> starting to question myself after a few days because it hasn't shown up yet in the 3d (which is caused by me forgetting the role the 3d plays and how LOA works) even though i did everything "right" (e.g. letting go of control or the outcome, deciding, not wavering, etc.) -> falling back into a state where i question how i can shift, what i am doing wrong, etc. -> repeat

how can i break out of this cycle?

i think the main problem here is time and in general the 3d.

i know that the 3d is not a measure of my success, only made up of my current assumptions etc. i know that. but it's like i forget it once i step into the state i wanna be in and stay there for an extended period of time.

i always hear people say that "time isn't real" but i still don't really know what that means, how to apply it or how to internalize it. i really need that mental "click" to finally understand it and use that concept in my favor. because my problem is that with manifesting/shifting, after a while i start asking questions about why it's taking so long the 3d. for example, most nights i fall asleep with the assumption that I'll wake up in my dr (while letting go of control and not wavering) the next morning. but when it doesn't happen eventually, i start to question why, because since time comes from consciousness aka me, it should work in my favor.

I'm honestly so lost right now and i would really appreciate some help because I'm spiraling again. I've known about shifting since 2020 but only realized how ridiculously easy it is after joining tumblr this year and yup, i acknowledge that i am desperate to shift, preferably right now. it's not something i admit to anyone or myself because that's basically continuing to tell a story i don't want to experience (a surefire way to fail), but it is unfortunately the truth as of right now.

thank you for reading, i know this was a lot to get through!! (*^^*)

So pause for a second, because I’m going to tell you something I hope to ingrain in the mind of everyone who sends me an ask—and that you need to remember before reading everything I’m about to say:

YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO SHIFT. The ability is inside you right now. The moment you read this, your mind already knows how to shift. Everyone does.

The moment you accept this, you solve half of your problems.

And then you tell me, "But if I know how to shift, why isn’t the 3D reflecting that?"

Well, yeah. You painted the house, and now you’re sitting there watching the paint dry.

Look, watching the 3D closely and looking for results isn’t a problem for some people. Some can assume, “I’m already in my DR,” open their eyes, and BAM—they’re in their DR.

Some people assume, “I will shift tonight,” and just like that, they shift that night.

Some people let go of their DRs, stop putting them on a pedestal, and they shift.

Some people clutch their DRs close to their heart until their knuckles turn white—and they shift.

It sounds a lot like you’re forcing yourself into a method of applying the Law of Assumption that doesn’t serve you. Why?? If you recognize that your issue is focusing on time and constantly checking the 3D, work around it. Remove time from your shifting journey.

I don’t like assuming I already have something, then checking the 3D and not seeing it there. Hell, I can shift on command, and yet, if I were to lay in bed right now and tell myself, “I’m in my DR,” I guarantee you I wouldn’t shift. Why? Because that doesn’t work for me.

My dude, change the way you affirm. If affirming in the present (“I already shifted”) doesn’t work for you, change it! Say, “I’m going to shift.” If even that hasn’t been working, let go of implementing time into your affirmations.

Change “I’m going to wake up in my DR in the morning” to “I’m going to wake up in my DR at some point because I KNOW I can shift.”

Change “I’m in my DR right now” to “I can’t wait to be in my DR.”

Remove time from your affirmations and assumptions, because that’s clearly the problem here. Instead of trusting that you’ll shift tonight, trust yourself because you already know how to shift. Or trust your mind because it knows how to shift. Trust your awareness because it knows how to shift.

“I fall asleep with the assumption that I'll wake up in my DR (while letting go of control and not wavering) the next morning.”

If this were completely true, you wouldn’t be sending me this ask. You wouldn’t be doubting yourself as much as you just did in everything you typed. Truly letting go means releasing the need to see results in the 3D.

So, take time out of your assumptions. From now on, say “I will shift.” Or say, “I already know how to shift.”

Your brain then goes: “……???….uh….” looking at the 3D all confused “When? We haven't shifted!”

And you tell it, “It doesn’t fucking matter because I’m going to shift eventually.”

Now, let’s say hypothetically, one week passes and you haven’t shifted. One month passes, and you haven’t shifted. Two months pass, and you haven’t shifted.

And then you come back and say, “Clover, why the heck haven’t I shifted yet? It’s been (insert amount of time). You told me to remove time as an expectation, so why haven’t I shifted yet??”

And I’ll smile at you and ask, “So you’ve been counting the days?”

Let me tell you something about letting go—and hypothetically, ignoring the 3D.

Treat your ability to shift like your fortune. You have a fortune sitting in your bank account right now, and you’re rich. Do you think a rich person checks their bank account every hour to confirm they’re still rich?

"Well yeah, Clover, because a rich person’s reality already reflects that, they’re sitting in a mansion with all their riches."

Your fortune, what makes you rich, is your ability to shift. You already know how to shift. Shifting isn’t something you learn how to do, just like breathing isn’t something you learn how to do. Just like chewing isn’t something you learn how to do. It is an integral part of every human being. If you have awareness, then the ability to shift exists within you.

You don’t learn shifting—you learn yourself.

You learn what makes you shift. What makes you manifest easily. What makes you assume easily. What kind of affirmations your subconscious doesn’t argue against. What makes your self-concept skyrocket.

Because everyone is different, everyone shifts differently. What works for Person A might not work for Person B. What works for Person B might not work for Person C, and so on.

Even my reply to you, it might not resonate with you. But that’s not my fault, and it’s not yours. If that's the case, your job is to look elsewhere—and, in the best-case scenario, look internally because that’s where the answers always are.

Let’s go over your fix options because I just yapped a lot:

YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO SHIFT.

Remove time from your affirmations and assumptions. Removing time from your shifting process makes it so you have nowhere in the 3D to look.

Stop paying attention to the 3D and pay attention to yourself because what’s going to shift is your awareness, not the damn 3D. Every time you catch yourself thinking, “Oh, but it’s not showing up in the 3D,” remind yourself:

A) You already know how to shift.

B) Shifting is something you can do.

C) It could happen at any moment, so why should anything else matter?

If you were promised a million bucks from a 100% trustworthy source, would you spiral?

One more thing before I wrap this up:

It could be that actively using the Law of Assumption isn’t what works best for you. Maybe you work better with visualizing. Maybe you induce the feeling of being in your DR or being a "master shifter." Maybe subliminals work better for you. There is a world of options out there, and it is completely useless to force yourself to do something that's only bringing frustration in the end. Because there is no singular way to shift. There is no singular way to manifest. And sometimes—for some people—while the Law of Assumption is always true, focusing on it directly isn’t what serves you.

[worldsanna]

i love you, i’m sorry

a/n -> idek what this is, i just wanted to write something for this song, enjoy <333

it was the rain.

i swear i was fine until i watched the droplets of water begin to pour down onto the ground.

the sickening crack of thunder accompanied the obnoxiously loud sounds of the rain, almost as though the universe was laughing at me.

as my wet t-shirt stuck to my skin, i was brought back to the one night that i wanted to forget more than anything. the night that i ruined everything.

i was holding her in my arms, consoling her after another failed attempt at a date. she had grown desperate, fearing that she would never truly find the right person for her.

but how could she think that when i was right there? i was always there.

i dropped everything and anything the second she needed me, yet it was never enough for her. usually, i would suck it up and push my feelings aside. but not that night.

“this dating thing is stupid. you’re never gonna find love if you keep trying to force it. this is getting exhausting, aren’t you tired?”

i had finally reached my breaking point, and i snapped. i snapped at the one person who i genuinely didn’t think i could live without.

it was selfish of me, and she made sure i knew it.

“you’re my best friend, you should be supporting me instead of discouraging me. just because you’ve given up on finding love doesn’t mean i should”

she was right, to a certain extent. a good friend would support her, but that was the issue. i didn’t want to just be her friend anymore.

“i’m not discouraging you, i’m just trying to point you in the right direction”

“why the hell would i even take advice from you? no offense, but your love life has been pretty non-existent lately”

she had never spoken to me that way before, but i could tell that she meant the words.

i was so wrapped up in the pain that her words brought me, that i hadn’t even realized that she was making her way towards the door.

before i could will myself to stop her, she twisted the knob and stepped out into the pouring rain. she stood there for a few seconds, waiting for me to speak up. she wanted me to fight for our friendship, but i simply couldn’t. i was tired of this same cycle, repeating itself over and over again.

she goes on a date, it goes terrible, she comes crying to me, i encourage her to get back up onto her feet, and she finds someone new. every. single. time.

i couldn’t spend the rest of my life chasing after someone who was waiting on some stranger to sweep her off her feet.

the idea of confessing to her did strike my mind, but i decided to avoid it. part of me was relieved that she was stepping out of the door, maybe it was time to focus on myself.

after a few more seconds, she walked out and slammed the door behind her.

sixty seconds. that’s how long it took to completely destroy our friendship. it all happened so fast, the gravity of the situation didn’t hit me until well after she left.

the only evidence that she had been there was the smudged mascara and tear drops that she left on my t-shirt.

all i wanted was my happy ending. i wanted her to look at me with the same loving look that i gave her. i wanted her to see me as something other than her pillow to dirty up and cry on. i wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by her.

i wanted her. i loved her.

i think she knew that deep down, she was just too scared to say anything.

maybe it was better this way, for both of us. people come and go, and that’s normal. that’s just the way life goes.

🌟🌟🌟🌟

i feel like this is terrible 😭

tag list: @imwetforyourmom

[redwryvernwrites]

Hello Tumblr, it’s been a while.

First of all, wishing everyone a Happy New Year! Hoping that 2025 has been good so far and for the rest of the solar cycle <3 The past few months have been a little rough for me, as I have been dealing with some behind-the-scenes stuff, though I will be fine, don’t you worry. I’ve been through far worse.  

Unfortunately, it means that I’ve lost the passion for Young Iron, I honestly think that the passion has been dwindling for a long time now, since at least May 2024. I think it was a factor of a lot of things; my hyperfixation slowly waning, feeling like the story losing its focus and getting out of hand plus noticing that a lot of my ideas were being copied. 

To clarify, I don’t mind if people take ideas I put forward in my writing, in fact, I do encourage it and love seeing what people come up with. It excites me and inspires me to write more. I want people to be creative and to be inspired to write their own stories, hell their own Tornado’s because you can never have enough Tornado’s in the world. 

However, my issues started after introducing and talking about future concepts of my stories with others and having people immediately ask if they could take and use these concepts/characters in their own AUs before I could even write them into my own started to discourage me. This is one of the reasons why all the posts on Broken Records have been deleted and I removed myself from most of the ttte groups I was in. I wanted to discuss my ideas with others, not have them immediately stolen for other people’s AUs.

It’s disheartening to not be able to flesh out my own characters or ideas before someone comes in and takes the idea away to make their own. Maybe I’m being petty or perhaps a bit protective, I don’t know, but it felt rude to me. 

That being said, please don’t be scared to post and continue writing stuff inspired by Young Iron. If you want to write stories about any of the characters I’ve introduced in the Young Iron stories, please feel free to go right on ahead and even tag me if you want. I really do genuinely love this kinda stuff, it might even inspire me to come back.

Either way, I still do have plans to finish Young Iron. In Pursuit of Self was always going to be the last in the series, I want the series it to have a definitive end, unlike my previous series with Godzilla which just randomly dropped off. I want to finish it but when things are looking up and things have gotten better.

In other news, Transformers One really got me into a Transformer’s hyper fixation so you might see some new things in regards to the Transformers franchise. (Probably not ONE related but you never know.)

Wishing all my followers and mutuals a wonderful 2025! 

Stay Safe, smooth running and dry rails!

[not-the-very-button]

I am someone who, despite all of my mental health issues, is kind of incapable of giving in to hopelessness. I’ve come close a handful of times, but in those moments I have still had enough inherent hope to seek help.

I’m hard to fucking kill. Stomp me under a boot and I’ll keep dragging myself across the linoleum. Chop my squirmy little legs off, burn me with a magnifying glass, I go on anyway.

Currently, being that kind of person is excruciatingly painful. I’m yo-yo-ing constantly between hope and despair. My inherent, indelible belief that there is goodness in the world keeps floating me back to the surface where, once again, a giant wave will crash over me and suck me under.

And it’s that over and over again right now. I feel so powerless. I feel so devastated. I feel like I’m watching our lives fall to shit and futures crumble before we can reach them.

But I don’t know how to live without hope. It’s how I’ve survived this long. It’s so fucking painful to feel it, but I can’t not feel it. Maybe that hope is being chipped away at. Maybe I’ll wake up one day and the last dusty slab of it will disintegrate and I’ll have to find some other way to wake up in the morning.

At the moment I guess I have to live with the daily singe of it and the weekly sobbing fits that smash through it when I read the news for too long.

I always feel better after a good long cry. Maybe I’ll throw something across my apartment or scream in a pillow to muffle the sound. And it works for a little while. My nervous system resets. And the cycle starts again.

There’s no point to me writing this. I think too often I try to put a button on things. I try tie my terror up in a pretty ribbon — for my own sake most of all. But I don’t want to do that today. I am in the throes of dismay. I am discouraged. I’m exhausted. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

I’m not smart enough to know what to do. I see so many people screaming about how awful things are — and I get it. They’re right to scream. But no one is saying what we do about it. I know how bad it is. I’m well aware. I want answers. I want a reason for this hope to live in my chest like it does.

I don’t know.

John Green has said a lot lately that writing is how he thinks. It’s how he processes. And I feel the same. I can’t not write. I have to. It’s how I make sense of the world. So I guess this is me trying to make some sense out of the senseless. I don’t know what else to do with this hopeless hope.

[wickedworm]

hey all! i know its been a minute but i was writing this little cringe ass blurb and havent finished it. i got some inspiration from the lovely @golden-gypsy after she sent me an ask nearly a year ago 😅 this has been living in my drafts for a while. im not sure if ill finish it unforunately. things have been weird and ive been going through my adhd cycle of interests where i dump the last one and move onto the next. anyway, enjoy whatever the hell this is.

December, 1994

Jerry

This is fucking pathetic. It's midnight, it's freezing, and I'm alone on the street, calling my wife on a payphone.

I stood out in the freezing Seattle cold, clutching a payphone as I called my wife. I wanted to laugh at myself for how pitiful it all seemed. I've barely talked to her - shit, I haven't even seen her since I went to Oklahoma. We talked on the phone but I never had much to say. And I didn't really know what to say. But I thought about her. I thought about her all the fucking time. And I would've actually talked to her, made that effort, had I felt worthy of it. I didn't deserve it. It wasn't fair to her. I needed to get my shit together.

When I came back to Washington, I tried to give Raven - and myself - plenty of time. I didn't want to go home right away, I wanted to try to get back into the swing of things. I set up some dates to write and rehearse with Sean and Mike. When that all fell through, I got pretty discouraged. I went from motel to motel, couch to couch, trying to write some of my own stuff. I was pretty much living in my car for that whole week. And I just wrote. A lot. I wrote about everything, but especially her. It felt like I would never stop.

And it hit me that I had freewill. I could just go to her. I could turn on the engine and drive home.

I was sitting in my car that night, trying to get at least a little sleep. But I couldn't stop thinking of Raven. I thought maybe I could get to sleep easier thinking of her. I imagined her next to me, leaning on my

shoulder and pointing at stars through the windshield. Tracing out constellations I've never heard of with her finger.

"Are you sure?" I asked, trying not to sound or feel like a begging dog.

"Just come home, Jer."

I'm not ready. I can't go back. I don't deserve her. I can't break her heart anymore.

Her voice, even over the crackling of the payphone, was soft and tired. But soothing. I could imagine her face, resembling her voice. There was moonlight shining through the window and over her face,

reflecting in her eyes. I pictured her holding the phone in one hand, and with her other hand she twirled and tangled the cord between her fingers.

"I just- I d-don't-" Fuck.

I leaned my head against the steering wheel, hoping the cold leather against my forehead would help me think straight.

I slammed the phone down. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't even get a full sentence out and I'm completely sober. She wants me home. I don't know what to do. I went back to my car and threw

the door shut.

'Just come home, Jer.'

Her voice repeated in my head. Her soft, gentle voice. Just come home.

I sat back up. Ok, I'm going home.

Raven

I sat on the porch steps, waiting in the dark and cold for Jerry. I fidgeted with the frayed edge of the blanket I wrapped myself in, couldn't help but feel nervous. What would I see in front of me when he arrives? Would he look the same? Sound and feel the same? Or would he be completely different? It had only been a year since I'd seen him, but was that normal for a married couple? Maybe it was,

considering our circumstances. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't spend that year worried sick about him. And I'd definitely be lying if I said I didn't miss him. It tore me up to see him the way he was before

he left. And it tore me up to not see him at all.

Over the phone, he tried to make it sound like he didn't need help. If only he knew just how much I can see through his bullshit. I mean, he articulated his emotions very well, he wasn't afraid to show or

tell people how he felt. But in the past few years, there were times when he really shut down. Especially when Layne started to lose himself.

I blamed myself a lot for what happened. I thought if I kept myself calm and collected, Jerry maybe wouldn't have left the way he did. I remember I could physically feel my heart breaking when I watched

him storm out of the door. I know he wouldn't have done that had he not been under so much pressure. He couldn't take anymore of it.

I must have fallen asleep on the porch waiting for him. I jumped awake at the sound of him shutting his truck door. I immediately shivered, noticed it was snowing. Through the flakes, I looked up at Jerry. The fading porch light just barely made him visible.

I remember I called Sean a few hours after Jerry left the house and felt my stomach drop when he said he hadn't seen him. Then he called me the next morning saying he turned up at his apartment,

hungover and soaking wet from the rain. He put Jer on the phone, he told me he was sorry and he was going to leave for a while. Then he told me he loved me and hung up. He didn't let me get a word in.

I was relieved that he was ok. But I was scared, too. And even still, I wasn't sure what of.

"Have you been out here this whole time?" He took a few steps toward me.

His voice. It's him.

I jumped up to my feet and nearly tackled him to the ground. He lifted me up off the ground into his arms. I squeezed as hard as I could, needing to feel him to make sure he was real and that he was ok. I breathed in his scent, the usual old spice and tobacco.

"Come on." He held me close to him and carried me inside.

"I missed you," He whispered into my hair and hugged me tight. "I'm sorry for everything."

I don't know what came over me but I just couldn't let go. I felt a lump in my throat and I didn't bother holding it back, he couldn't see me cry anyway. Not with my face buried deep in his jacket. I could

barely breathe but I didn't care.

He set me down and I grabbed his face before I could even put my feet on the ground. I've been waiting for those words.

"What took you so long?" I could barely get it out, I choked through the words.

"I'm sorry."

I didn't want to go back to that.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. He said it but why didn't it feel like enough? In the months before he left, I spent more nights alone in bed than I did with him next to me, where he was supposed to be. He

was somewhere else, doing God knows what at God knows where. There were days where I'd be worried sick about him, only for him to show up drunk later that night.

Jerry

"God, I missed you." She whispered, her voice just barely audible in the quiet of the house.

She didn't let go for a long time, and I just let her. She had to be freezing. I could feel the sting of her cold fingers against my neck as she held onto me. I shut the door behind us with my foot and felt the

warmth of the house envelop us. When I set her down, she pulled away and looked at me. I saw my wife for the first time in a year. And she looked the same. Did I think she'd be different?

"You ok?" Her voice was small, but I could sense her concern.

Her cheeks were red and cold. I didn't even realize I was touching her face until she leaned into my hand. Flecks of white snow dotted her dark curls and I wiped one away from her eyebrow. Even in the

cold winter, the freckles spread across her face were still prominent. Like a beam of sunlight always followed her. I just stared. I felt like a little kid, gawking at a beautiful girl.

I snapped out of whatever trance I was in, just enough to nod and reassure her.

"Ok." She mouthed.

Raven

I traced my fingers over his face, his stubble. I smiled to myself, realizing his goatee was gone. He knew I hated it.

"I like this." I told him while holding his jaw.

He chuckled. "Yeah. I know."

[elizabethplaid]

early morning notes - nov 4, 2024

Both phone-friend and streamer-friend were busy this weekend, so I spent my time napping and playing on my phone. (And taking photos of Wampus, which have been popular.) I sent them both well-wishes, but I didn't want to bother them. Both needed the break from their daily routines. Also, I was the one to suggest canceling this week's call, out of respect.

Thursday (Halloween, Oct 31st) was my dental appointment and some shopping, which left me very fatigued, both physically and mentally. Friday through now, my sense of touch has been hyper-aroused, but it's less scary than what happened at the end of August. (At least I didn't break my chakra, like I feared last time.)

I "took matters into my own hands" on Friday, but the sensations have persisted. I've been hesitant to say anything, as there's really nothing to be done. It's fun to whine when it's amusing, but it feels embarrassing and frustrating this time. I'm tired; I want to sleep; I don't want to be aroused. I'm too tired to do anything about it.

Sunday (Nov 3) was Friends-giving with Neighbors-S+J. I didn't go, because I'm so wonked, but dad brought home dessert. I was an impulsive fool and ate it right away, though it was close to midnight. I was most of the way through the cheesecake when I realized it'd been on the counter for a few hours. Ah, that pesky food safety. I stopped eating it and threw the rest away. (Cookies and chocolate pieces were saved and set in the fridge, as those are usually more stable.)

My impulsiveness also kept me from making a "proper" meal for myself. In the morning, I'll have something with more food groups, but emotions are clinging to that cheesecake and not sitting well with me. (Not nauseated, just some regret mixed with other weird things.) I'm near the end of my cycle, so that's my excuse for my current condition, at least partly.

I've taken my meds this morning, though I think I was late to take them yesterday (closer to noon). I was going to finish tasks for a game-event on my phone, but fatigue has eroded away my interest. There are some echoes of a dream that are lingering (kissing a hand, fairy bread), along with reading the symbolism from another recent dream, bothering my thoughts. Again, fatigue makes me want to ignore them.

I'm trying to search my memories for answers to my current situation. I've talked about this with my counselor and phone-friend. I've developed strategies before. I just can't think right now. It wasn't actions; it was attitudes, how to regard things and not get discouraged.

She also asked how I felt about the portraits from that dream, the one that's still bugging me. The symbolism site I read said it was "how you want to be seen by others", and that's true, but the details about the artist made it weird. I noted contrasts with other dreams of similar themes. Need to write down those imagery-symbols, so I can report back later.

The part about grout in dentures paralleled my dental cleaning, as well. It bothers me that it was a prediction, in a sense. The only other predictive dream I've had was related to my assault. And that anniversary is later this month, so I'm trying to keep my brain from revisiting those unhappy places.

There were also some story scenarios I envisioned as I went through that endorphin crash. I wrote about it but saved it as a draft, as it felt too painful to let anyone else see. I just had counseling the day before dental, so it's another week+ before we talk again. If I'm not feeling better by Tuesday, I'll ask for an earlier appointment.

I know there are bad feelings bubbling closer to the surface right now. They're buried under a layer of numbness, at the moment, which is also preventing me from thinking much. I appreciate how my brain is unconsciously/subconsciously? protecting me.

Still working through how much I allow myself to lean on others. This pain isn't new; there's nothing to be done by either me or them. So why bother sharing it? Maybe I'm using that as a cover-up for shame, too. Vulnerability is embarrassing, after all. Guess the mental health stuff is pretty heavy if I'm wrestling with philosophical stuff about deserving to be cared for. But it's also not easy to undo a lifetime of bad lessons, so I must be patient and kind with myself. I think I'll take a nap.

[coridallasmultipass]

Health stuff / trans stuff / long post

Went to the gyn today to finalize which medication I'm going to switch to, in order to continue treating my endometriosis. The one I'm on now has been causing me to get osteoporosis lol. (It does that because it's basically suppressing a hormone, not exactly, but that's the vibe.) So I'm going on a different (similar) med that includes estrogen at a consistent rate (to avoid the 'cycles' that cause endometrial growths to bleed and flare up) which will make the new med less detrimental.

Except, first thing when she walked in, she followed up on my question from the last appointment of testosterone being a better replacement hormone, and said that yes, T would probably help me more, both in terms of gender and in terms of bone mineral density. I was so scared to mention being trans to her last time, but she was actually kind of urging me to try it this time. Or at least to see an endocrinologist in general since they would be better suited to treating osteoporosis.

I didn't mention how I don't live in a safe home environment to transition openly.

My idea when bringing it up was like, that the estrogen in general would be causing endo, so maybe if I took an appropriate small amount of T instead, it would be an added layer of discouragement for the endo growths while also giving my body a hormone to grow better bone density. But she explained that as long as the E is consistent it shouldn't cause growths because there are no cycles. So I didn't even need to bring up T, ugh.

Like I was thinking that, if I'm just taking a small amount, not enough for gender transition (I really don't know a lot about it), that I could pass off any changes to my family as being part of my 'new meds' or whatever. I am not ready to come out to my family. I can't afford to get kicked out of the house I'm in right now. If I have to live with a different relative, I will expire. I can't support myself as I am right now.

At the same time, like I'm scared about starting transitioning in this political climate. I don't wanna start and then have to stop because of bullshit reasons. ((But if I don't start now, then I may not get another opportunity in the future! And if I don't start, then I won't be transitioning how I've wanted to transition for the past IDK 10-ish years...)) It was pure luck that my hysterectomy was medically necessary for the endometriosis, so all that's left on my list is trying T.

So I'm conflicted. I said I'll start the new med, and as long as no big changes/flare ups happen, then I'll try the endocrinologist after that, for either reason. It's fucking stressful. And she said the best place for gender reasons would be a whole county away from me, like ughh. (I don't drive, so it's hard to even get to regular appointments.)

I stayed strong thru this appointment, but now I'm a bit of a mess. It's scary being trans. It's scary having endometriosis.

I didn't bring it up, but I'm also scared that taking a dose later than normal might cause a 'cycle.' Back when I was attempting to take birth control pills in college for period pain (now I know it was endo), I remember I forgot to take my pill before my 9am class (usually took it around 8am). By the time I got back to the dorm at like maybe 12:20pm, I was already spotting and crampy. The few times I tried pills and other birth control methods were all horrifying. I still haven't lost the weight I rapidly gained from stress in 2019/2020, entirely unrelated to lockdowns (that shit rolled right off me, compared to the horror of my endo diagnosis journey).

So I'm scared scared scared.

And also like, fuck, man. Almost every time I barely mention being trans or queer in general to a doctor, they push at it WAY more than I would like. My current psych is the worst about it, pushing me about being trans and deadnaming me and using the wrong pronouns all in the same sentence. The psych I saw in the past was also worst about it. (Me, cis woman at the time: My girlfriend- Psych: "YOU'RE BI?!?!?!?!" ...Sir, this is an arts school in New York City, yes I'm fucking bi. [Not bi/pan anymore, but still.] Really fucking absurd to be scandalized about someone not being straight when you're a mental health professional.)

Being queer in terms of romance/sexuality was like no big deal for me to conclude about myself (tho obviously I never told my family bc they put the fucking Prop 8 posters in our yard when I was in high school), but being trans has been so much scarier. Because it's visible. Like I don't have a partner or anything to hide, so that's easy to keep to myself. But just me by myself, being trans, I have to hide everything from my family.

IDK. Maybe I can still pass off gender transition as being for endometriosis, if I phrase it like, being my last ditch effort to get a med that works and doesn't cause me bone damage. I just don't want to answer questions my family would push at me. It would probably also come as a surprise since I don't see everyone often. Especially for the other side of my family that I wish I were closer to. Ugh. Shit is fucking scary.

I was so close to being able to transition when I still lived in an apartment. But my mental health was so bad, and the healthcare in NYC was so bad, I had to move back home. And now I'm stuck.

Tmi gross ahead:

And to make my day worse, I just had to dig out acne that formed under an old acne scar on my nose. Ugh. The fucking med I had to go back on once my bone scan came back bad, is causing me to get acne again. I literally just released one out of the back of my neck that had been there since last summer. Almost a whole year of one spot causing me discomfort. My nose scar has also been bothering me for a whole year like, ugh. It's neverending, man. My new med is going to have this acne causing one built into it, so I can't escape it. Band aid nose motherfucker rn.

[mendingandtranscending]

Sometimes it makes me sick thinking about where I’m at in my life. I’m ready to build with someone. I’m tired of staying stagnant, I want someone to help motivate me, push me. I want to grow with someone and be proud of each other when we look back at how far we’ve come.

I want the consistency of love, sex, quality time. I want to wake up knowing that’s my person and I’m theirs. I’m ready to be a girlfriend. With the right person.

Why don’t I meet the right one who wants the same thing from me? Men nowadays just want sex but will drag it out, waste time, play with your feelings just to get it. They’re on a different timeline than me most of the time. I wonder how the women around me find men who are willing to commit and be loyal.

Am I the problem? Every man I actually want to commit to never seems to be ready. And then I realize that I’m that woman to the men who want to commit to me, but I’m not ready. Why are we stuck in this perpetual cycle of wanting and lusting after those who don’t want us, while ignoring those who do?

I want to be patient. I want to believe that the right person will find me. We’ll both be ready for each other. It will feel right. But sometimes I wonder if we all ever really get a happy ending? Am I going to be the “successful woman ends up alone” statistic? This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted to be able to provide for myself and not rely on anyone for help. I wanted to be equal to a deserving man and be the woman he brags about to the followers, colleagues of his own success.

Instead I’m alone. Grasping at any attention thrown my way because I’m so desperate for a connection, touch, sex, love….that I’ll chase it even if it’s just a facade. At least it makes me feel something. But I don’t want to live like this anymore. It’s pathetic. It’s desperate and that is something I keep running away from but am never fast enough.

Truly I’m patient and I know I’m deserving. But a bitch is getting discouraged. I’ve waited a long time, given many chances. My energy is spent. I’m not even going to have the energy when the right one does come along. Perhaps I won’t need it. Because it will feel effortless. One can only hope. Dream. Pray.

[gwydionmisha]

Personal: Arm Rehab is Endless

I was kind of a mess at physio. We did a couple of things and then he spent the bulk of the session working on my arm. He thinks that I am using my pectoral muscles too much trying to compensate for my completely thrashed deltoids. That's my assignment along with continuing to try to undo the thing where the wrong sling fucked up arm alignment and posture from the previous session, plus trying to do the excercises, which generally eats up a couple hours of my night if my arm is working.

It's funny how lying still and having someone else work my arm thrashes me almost as much as swimming to exhaustion. Bodies are weird. Thursday night I was so tired that I basically fed myself and did my daily poll stuff on tumblr, then had to go right back to bed.

This means all the news links are just sitting there waiting for me to get to them instead of at least half posted to tumblr and scaffolded for the aggregate. Sigh. I am on track to do all or most of the Friday physio, at least. (I owe for sets of two types of excercises. One easy, one mid-range as of 5PM).

My physio got approved by Medicare for another cycle, which is good, because, really, I'm making very little progress to an utterly discouraging extent. Unfortunately they are way booked, so there will be massive gaps in August and September and this cycle is running to mid-October. (Yikes!) Let's hope some sort of progress occurs. I'm a little freaked that my arm still collapses when I try to lift anything over two pounds and I can't hold my arm out straight to the side without help.

[bunnybams11]

Life Update

Life is a mess. It's been 2 years since I graduated from college, and it is hard. After taking so many job opportunities that come my way, there's no one who has ever hired me. And I guess I am also terrible about getting my civil engineer license.

There's never been a day that I have been struggling. Finding myself stuck at every moment and always looking back at the past and wishing I have done better. I always tell myself that this journey of mine will have breakthrough someday but everytime I think and invite positive energy, it always hook me to my saddest moment of my life, the reality. 

I don't have any job experience aside from working part time as a assistant video editor working under my brother. I work from home and self taught to every little things about video editing. The couple of months as I start is very hard and struggling. I always find myself crying for every little details I don't know about video editing. It drains my soul that I don't even work the course I studied. It just, I grab the oppotutnity in front of me because I don't have a choice.  

Not until a year passed by. By the way, I didn't stop taking the board examination eventhough I can't concentrate to study everytime. I am tired of trying at everything, as if my luck has run out and all the opportunities have gone. It is telling me that whatever I do, I suck and can't move forward because I am a loser. And I hate that feeling.

Now that I decided to go far away from my home, to have new beginning and challenges that I know will help me. I want to apply again another job while waiting since I have to try and try right? and I tried again today to apply a job. Every cents I have to pay to get done that application; the sweats and effort to manage to get in; and that knowing today, after the pre-interview, I realize that i don't even qualify to be in that position and it tears me up that up knowing that until today I still suck at everything. I want to be gone in this world.

Actually, I am sad and tired. I felt really insecure to those around me that they have work to attend, they have the support they need, and even financially okay in things. I want to get out of this cycle and get my best in me, but I am tired and I don't know why even though there's so much to be thankful for. I am guilty that I even felt this way toward mylife.

To the future me, I hope you are doing well and happy. I hope that you in there is very busy working toward you dreams and goals in life. I hope you still hold to God even though your paths is very hard and rough. I hope you will find this and give a laugh because it turns out that life is going to be fine anyway.

Bam, I know you are struggling, overthinking, scared, lonely and discouraged. In this season, you need to strenghten your faith and believe that you have already won the battle. Don't be too hard to yourself and don't be too soft to the situation given to you. Toughen your ideals and ask the Lord to lead the way.

You have purpose in this world, remember that. You are important as everyone on this planet. And you are one in a billion favored in the Lord Jesus Christ.

Time will come and everything will set place according to His will.

Love you, Bam. Good job as always.

[sideralumen]

Since 2024 is right around the corner I wanted to type out a list of things I wanna do next year since I wasn't able to do most of the things I wanted to do this year because of the accident. I also thought posting em here would help motivate me to actually do them, so here we go!

I wanna get back into traditional art. It used to be my primary way I did art but over the years I kinda went full digital without realizing it so I think it would be a fun challenge for me to get back into the swing of traditional art. I also think it could help me in areas of my art I struggle with such as making interesting color pallets/moods by eye instead of relying on filters and blending modes along with doing poses without refs (note references are very good and very useful tool I ain't knocking em but I feel like I've been relying on them TOO much this year cause of just art block issues)

I want to post art more. I haven't really posted much art to my socials this year cause I haven't really been proud of anything I made and the few things I did post to various social media's never did well so it discouraged me from posting even more, But nothing ever did good cause I didn't post regularly so it was just a really bad cycle of art block and insecurity for me. So I wanna start posting more consistently on all my main socials I like posting art to no matter how good I think the quality is, i wanna build confidence in my art no matter the medium and just build a name for myself online. I don't really care too much about how popular I get I just wanna connect with people who love art just as much as I do and inspire people with my art and stories!

I wanna write more. I actually really like the idea of making my own webcomic/graphic novel so I'll plan these huge projects and get really far into the process but when it's time to actually write the story I just immediately burn out, I wanna get better at writing in general so it doesn't feel like a chore to me. I was thinking of actually making fanfiction again as practice to start off since fanfic communities have always seemed very welcoming to beginner writers like myself so all I really need to do is shake off the shame of my middle school klance fanfic writing days and create something. Honestly the only reason this really got delayed wasn't because I didn't have the time but it was because it was too much strain on me physically, because of the accident it was harder for me to focus on words on a screen/page so not only did I stop writing completely I also stopped reading for the most part too cause it made me really light headed and sick but now that I'm not suffering from the effects of a skull fracture as intensely as I was at the first half of 2023 I feel confident enough to give writing a try again. Also my spelling sucks i wanna fix that.

I wanna get outside more. I actually wanted to get into skateboarding really bad this year but after the accident I basically had to relearn to walk completely so even now that I can be up and about for way longer then I've been able to I still don't feel like my ankle could support me enough to skateboard. BUT I think I would be able to handle roller skating so I wanna get myself some skates and start doing that in my free time, nothing really intense or anything just kinda skating around my neighborhood or at a park or a rink. I've been doing daily walks in the morning but I feel like something more exciting and engaging would really benefit my physical health.

And thats my list for the most part, there's other stuff I left out but I wanted to focus on how to improve myself when it comes to my hobbies and how the accident effected those things, I'm not out here getting too personal on the internet. Ik this won't get seen by anyone but I'm not taking my chances lol

[keefiswhoiam]

September 16 - 2023 Saturday

9:21am

I know whats wrong with me. I have a lot of thoughts and stories in my head dictating my life right now. That combined with how common it is to feel like this on the weekend, it's starting to happen naturally. That and I didn't do myself any favors expecting this weekend to be just like this.

I'm having the thought that my desires are worth nothing and shouldn't be pursued. I'm having the thought that my friends secretly want to distance from me because I'm low key toxic and they know it. I'm having the thought that I inherently cause damage to the things and people around me. I'm having the thought that I am a very selfish person, putting my own needs before the needs of others.

I look at myself from a third person perspective and I'm so disappointed. I know how I am behaving because of how I'm feeling. I may not act as much in self sabotage but I still think in a way to sabotage myself. Which in a sense is still acting on it because I deliberately focus on thoughts that I know are going to twist my mind towards self destruction, ultimately so I can get easy validation from others when they come to help, if they do. Just when I think I had started stopping this cycle, I realize it's only taken a different form. It is better I guess, I went from thinking and physically acting on it to only thinking about it. But thats still very harmful. My mind has a way of manipulating me in a way that I know is toxic to myself and everyone around me.

The question is how to act in a way that discourages this. I can't completely write off the assistance of friends. I just need to be aware if I'm using their help to fill that void of self worth or as a way to actually get better. I already know better than to act on thoughts that serve no purpose other than to reach an unhelpful end goal. I'm better at recognizing those.

The other thing is figuring out how to accept myself when I get like this. It's already hard enough to accept myself when I'm in a better headspace, so right now it seems impossible to see myself in a good light. But the reality is there is a reason I'm feeling this way and as I've learned, all feelings are valid. It only matters how I act while I carry them. The goal is to not let them dictate my behavior, as hard as that is.

10:35am

I'm having the thought that I'm completely alone today and that it's going to stay that way. I'm having the thought that I'm worthless and nothing is worth trying.

My heart hurts and I want to stay in bed all day.

I guess I'm just upset that I'm not getting more attention honestly. As in I have this strong devotion to doing everything I can if I think I can help but I'm not getting that back right now. And it hurts. But I question if I'm asking for too much or if this is an unhealthy desire. I feel alone right now and I wouldn't if I felt like I was cared about in the slightest but I don't today because my calls for help are unheeded. Or maybe it's not obvious enough. I don't know. I'm bitter right now and feel like I can do nothing but wait to see if I will called upon later.

I also hate myself for having all the time and energy to work on things I want to finish but I just fucking can't do it. My terrible mood is stopping me, amongst other mental hurdles.

Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and do nothing before I yet again cause damage to everything.

11:06am

I get it. No one wants me around when I'm like this. All relationships are conditional on me not being a fucking idiot. I have no choice but to isolate until I either clean up my act or die.

I'm having the thought that I am nobody. My entire life is invalid.

11:39am

I'M FUCKING STUPID. I can do LITERALLY anything but I'm stuck deciding on nothing because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll pick the wrong thing, which means I'll miss out on something else. Or whatever I pick won't go well and I'll perceive it as wasted time. I'm afraid no matter what I pick, it'll be wrong and I'll beat myself up for it. But doing nothing is even worse. Sitting here crying about it is the worst possible outcome so picking literally anything would be better. The point of the weekend to me is to be able to do whatever I want for as long as I want with no consequences. It's a time of ultimate play where I can explore things in ways weekdays won't allow. Why can't I fucking understand that.

[geddy-leesbian]

and perhaps I should not be trying to promote a fic I haven't updated in 6+ months but... the primary reason I haven't updated it is just the drop in engagement and the fact it's the highest effort thing I've ever written. First few chapters got comments, enough that I was feeling encouraged. But they dropped off. Even when I was posting a chapter I wholeheartedly believed was better than any of the previous chapters, 10k word fucking illustrated chapter, it doesn't get anything close to the reception the previous chapters got. So yeah I lost a lot of motivation. Yes, I write for myself and enjoy it, but this particular fic is my most challenging to work on. It's brain intensive. I have plot threads and mysteries I have to keep track of. I have to keep track of what characters do and don't know at any given moment constantly. (eg "does Leon know X about Luis's past at this point? no, he doesn't yet, I need to remember to come up with a way for him to learn that and include it.") It's a whole lot more complicated and harder than anything else I write.

Of course I get sad when anything I write doesn't get comments, but for that fic I found it especially discouraging. I mean it just makes me question what I'm even doing I guess? Why bother writing a difficult fic with very long chapters, mysteries, a shit load of screenshots/edits/illustrations when shorter, lower effort stuff is going to get me more validation? So I sort of went from seeing that fic as my baby, my magnum opus, to just forgetting it exists most of the time and choosing to care about other things more to get myself out of the cycle of hoping maybe this chapter will finally be the one that gets recognition! every time I update, only to feel disappointed. Just detaching from it and not caring anymore felt like the best option.

I'm really not trying to make this into a whiny vent post. I'm just trying to establish that I am very much a vending machine that will spit out fic if you insert emotional validation. I still have the whole overall plot of Any Killer mapped out, I have a good chunk of the next chapter written, as well as a handful of scenes that will happen a lot later. If more people start caring and want to see an update, I'll get back on that horse. It's just very difficult for me to feel motivated enough to do so right now.

Again, i have a tendency of making stupid whiny vent posts about my fics going underappreciated, that's not what I'm doing right now. I actually feel pretty good and secure right now and recognize my fics are generally appreciated. (And like I said, the earlier chapters of this one were also appreciated.) I'm just trying to establish that this fic in particular was extremely high effort and that's why there's a high bar to get me updating again. Even if, say, my rockstar Luis AU stuff had a sudden drop in engagement, I'd keep updating because it's not that difficult for me. But for something as challenging as this fic in particular, I need to know that there's more than a couple people that care before I'm willing to put my blood, sweat and tears into updating it again. I'm not going to feel bitter or even disappointed if this post doesn't result in the fic getting any new comments because I've just checked out emotionally and no longer expect anyone will get emotionally invested in it and wonder where it's going. But if it does get any, then I might start caring again, a little bit.

🔍

[artsbysmarty]

Gonna forgo a funny comic and be serious for a hot minute! (CW: wall of text, family death, mental health discussion)

I’m more than grateful to be a 1st year medical student right now. I feel truly blessed that I get to further my medical education at a wonderful school with some of the nicest, most thoughtful people I’ve ever met as my classmates and friends. But I will say the application process to medical school was one of the most emotionally taxing things I’ve ever gone through— and if I hadn’t gotten in this year, I genuinely would not have wanted to try again.

Just a few months before I was expected to apply in 2020, a month before I took the MCAT, I lost someone very close to me. I ended a long-term relationship and then the world shut down while I was taking some of my hardest classes. Obviously none of that was good for my mental state; it doesn’t help that I’m already so prone to anxiety. But application season was approaching, so I channeled what little energy I had everyday into getting my application ready. My first cycle results were kind of embarrassing: I didn’t even get a single interview invite. The next year I spent improving my application in every way I could: getting work experience, healthcare exposure, spending half the day prepping for retaking the MCAT. I wish I’d enjoyed my gap year more, but it was marked by me feeling like a catastrophic failure at the beginning for not making my parents proud and then feeling exhausted near the end from spending all my time working two jobs and saving up for school, with the fear in the back of my mind that it would all be for nothing yet again. My mom used to joke that she’d marry me off if I didn’t get an acceptance, which I did not find as funny as she did lmaoo.

This isn’t meant to scare anyone off! I just feel like I needed to be honest with myself about what I went through with applying, especially when people around me only see the end result— the white coat. My advice to premeds is this: If you’re applying this cycle or thinking of applying next year, it’s totally okay to feel discouraged if you don’t get in. People taking gap years is way more common than you’d think, so be sure to use it as an opportunity to learn about yourself. It’s okay to let yourself feel upset, to express your doubts out loud to someone you trust, because it’s the only way you’ll be in a position to get back up and dive back in. The application process is honestly the worst part of all this— if you’re anything like me it’ll take a lot of time, money, and will to live out of you. (I will save my rant about financial barriers and diversity in medicine for another day.) It WILL suck, and that’s okay. Because if medicine is something you’re truly passionate about (and I mean REALLY passionate so take a sec to think about what you wrote in your personal statement), it’ll all be worth it come May. Hang in there, and good luck on your cycle!

[aurosoulart]

(You really don't have to respond to this but I wanted to try anyway. But if you don't want to, I understand.)

I'm really struggling with my art right now since I started being pressured into thinking what I want to do in the future. I know that a lot of people don't end up following a clear path towards their goals and dreams and often struggle with paving it. Many are left unfinished and some take longer than others. But I just... I want to get into art but from where I am, it's not exactly a career that makes much money or one that's taken seriously. I know that's a situation that many artists face but it's seriously not taken as a very serious career where I'm from and artists from here often heavily depend on online connections or just end up going to other countries to either get better education or better job opportunities.

Since I began to think more about this, I've been really unsatisfied with anything I make. It's not good enough, not distinct enough, not as polished as others...just not the level I want it to be. So I try to improve and teach myself things I know I should improve on but...all it honestly did was discourage me. Everytime I make something, I just get frustrated because I'm not getting the results I want. It's been like this for...a while. A cycle of frustration, envy, doubt, and hopelessness. I get envious of my friends who do better and get frustrated with myself for not being as good and for feeling jealous. It's been taking a serious toll on my mental health.

Now, all I can think about is considering a different career and just maybe do art on the side, like a lot of artists I know. But I just...I don't see myself doing anything else but art. I'm not good with academics. I struggle even more in that area which is why I always found solace in art. That's gone now. Hopefully not permanently but...yeah.

I just don't know what I want and if that really matters compared to what I need to do to even have a future. I just don't know...

aw anon first of all I want to say that it's not a burden at all to answer questions like this and I'm honored you shared in the first place - art has a reputation for being a competitive and cutthroat field where we're all against each other, but it doesn't have to be that way 💖

this became very long so I'm putting it under a readmore so I don't assault your dashes with a wall of text:

you're definitely not alone in any of these feelings. ALL the artists I know (even the successful ones who have steady careers out of it!) feel this struggle against capitalism, against losing enjoyment, against not feeling good enough and being treated like content machines amidst a society that has lost its connection with the fact that art is the foundation for everything.

it can feel like you're living in a kind of twilight zone when you're trying to pursue art (which is something I believe is fundamental to human nature) while also trying to make a living off of it in a capitalist society that doesn't value artists but simultaneously makes billions of dollars off us! (videogames! movies! television!)

as artists we need love and enjoyment for our craft to create good art and get the drive to improve it, but the very thing we're reaching for (financial success) is the thing that sucks all that joy right out of it. it's common for people to finally break into the industry only to get chewed up and spat right back out again due to the mistreatment within it.

I think every artist at some point in their life reaches this point (the point you're at now) and has to decide... is this really worth it? should I just settle, get some other job, carve out bits of time where I can to create (something, anything) on my time off?

and a lot of people do settle! they eventually find a balance between their day jobs and their creativity, or, tragically, some give up on art altogether. it's a very personal decision and there's no shame in taking this path - in fact everything you wrote up there is stuff I consider heavily even now. (I don't make a living wage yet either and am still at the very beginning of my art career)

but there is one question that always stops me from giving up, and this is the question we should ALL ask ourselves no matter what: what do I want to do with my life? all mental obstacles, societal expectations, prior assumptions aside, what do I want to actually do with my precious time spent alive in this universe?

the answer is always to make art, to connect with and be kind to other people, to find out what art they want to make and to use my skills to help them create it.

my life path has been wildly strange as a result of me following these goals - I've struggled terribly with mental illness and have relied entirely on others (like my parents, my friends' parents, my bf) for a place to crash while I did odd jobs (I even applied to live in a commune once!), but I've mostly accepted that my 'career' path isn't going to be able to meaningfully compare to anyone else's, and as long as I'm making progress and giving back to my loved ones, it's still worthwhile to pursue. and, while progress has been slow compared to other people, I've still come so far and I wouldn't dream of trading my life for another's.

I know it's incredibly difficult but the best thing you can do is stop comparing yourself to anyone else. you have a wealth of experience within your own life, your own memories, skills, and unique perspectives, and that uniqueness is incompatible with comparison. 'could be' and 'should be' are lies our brain tells us when we're brought up in competitive societies.

what do you like? what brings you joy? how can you bring creativity into those things, and how can you share it? what did your creativity feel like as a child? what did you dream of then, and how far have you come now?

asking myself these questions always helps me when I'm in this spot, doubting everything, feeling hopeless.

remember, life is precious, and we are here to create, but also to feel. joy, envy, grief, love... all of it goes hand-in-hand with creation, and that creation is how we make sense of this life. there's a deeper meaning to all of this, and losing sight of that and trying to rush ourselves into a successful career without making space for play, joy, and love will often lead to pain.

I wish you luck with your journey - and I hope things get easier for you in the future. 💛