#and get it out of the way and then cycled right back to discouraging myself and thinking of worst case scenarios

[youremyonlyhope]

6am and still awake... yay

[samuraisharkie]

I’ve said this to friends earlier but I’m saying it here, lately i keep telling myself everytime I balk at doing things bc I don’t feel quite “right” yet, just “do it scared”, “do it weird”, “do it badly” “but do it” LOL my new mantra while I’m fighting my way out of silent hill, no “just do it” bc that doesn’t hit quite right, I have to add “scared/weird/wrong/badly” for it to hit right. idk why but it’s probably a good mentality to have to avoid getting stuck

[worldsanna]

i love you, i’m sorry

a/n -> idek what this is, i just wanted to write something for this song, enjoy <333

it was the rain.

i swear i was fine until i watched the droplets of water begin to pour down onto the ground.

the sickening crack of thunder accompanied the obnoxiously loud sounds of the rain, almost as though the universe was laughing at me.

as my wet t-shirt stuck to my skin, i was brought back to the one night that i wanted to forget more than anything. the night that i ruined everything.

i was holding her in my arms, consoling her after another failed attempt at a date. she had grown desperate, fearing that she would never truly find the right person for her.

but how could she think that when i was right there? i was always there.

i dropped everything and anything the second she needed me, yet it was never enough for her. usually, i would suck it up and push my feelings aside. but not that night.

“this dating thing is stupid. you’re never gonna find love if you keep trying to force it. this is getting exhausting, aren’t you tired?”

i had finally reached my breaking point, and i snapped. i snapped at the one person who i genuinely didn’t think i could live without.

it was selfish of me, and she made sure i knew it.

“you’re my best friend, you should be supporting me instead of discouraging me. just because you’ve given up on finding love doesn’t mean i should”

she was right, to a certain extent. a good friend would support her, but that was the issue. i didn’t want to just be her friend anymore.

“i’m not discouraging you, i’m just trying to point you in the right direction”

“why the hell would i even take advice from you? no offense, but your love life has been pretty non-existent lately”

she had never spoken to me that way before, but i could tell that she meant the words.

i was so wrapped up in the pain that her words brought me, that i hadn’t even realized that she was making her way towards the door.

before i could will myself to stop her, she twisted the knob and stepped out into the pouring rain. she stood there for a few seconds, waiting for me to speak up. she wanted me to fight for our friendship, but i simply couldn’t. i was tired of this same cycle, repeating itself over and over again.

she goes on a date, it goes terrible, she comes crying to me, i encourage her to get back up onto her feet, and she finds someone new. every. single. time.

i couldn’t spend the rest of my life chasing after someone who was waiting on some stranger to sweep her off her feet.

the idea of confessing to her did strike my mind, but i decided to avoid it. part of me was relieved that she was stepping out of the door, maybe it was time to focus on myself.

after a few more seconds, she walked out and slammed the door behind her.

sixty seconds. that’s how long it took to completely destroy our friendship. it all happened so fast, the gravity of the situation didn’t hit me until well after she left.

the only evidence that she had been there was the smudged mascara and tear drops that she left on my t-shirt.

all i wanted was my happy ending. i wanted her to look at me with the same loving look that i gave her. i wanted her to see me as something other than her pillow to dirty up and cry on. i wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by her.

i wanted her. i loved her.

i think she knew that deep down, she was just too scared to say anything.

maybe it was better this way, for both of us. people come and go, and that’s normal. that’s just the way life goes.

🌟🌟🌟🌟

i feel like this is terrible 😭

tag list: @imwetforyourmom

[elizabethplaid]

early morning notes - nov 4, 2024

Both phone-friend and streamer-friend were busy this weekend, so I spent my time napping and playing on my phone. (And taking photos of Wampus, which have been popular.) I sent them both well-wishes, but I didn't want to bother them. Both needed the break from their daily routines. Also, I was the one to suggest canceling this week's call, out of respect.

Thursday (Halloween, Oct 31st) was my dental appointment and some shopping, which left me very fatigued, both physically and mentally. Friday through now, my sense of touch has been hyper-aroused, but it's less scary than what happened at the end of August. (At least I didn't break my chakra, like I feared last time.)

I "took matters into my own hands" on Friday, but the sensations have persisted. I've been hesitant to say anything, as there's really nothing to be done. It's fun to whine when it's amusing, but it feels embarrassing and frustrating this time. I'm tired; I want to sleep; I don't want to be aroused. I'm too tired to do anything about it.

Sunday (Nov 3) was Friends-giving with Neighbors-S+J. I didn't go, because I'm so wonked, but dad brought home dessert. I was an impulsive fool and ate it right away, though it was close to midnight. I was most of the way through the cheesecake when I realized it'd been on the counter for a few hours. Ah, that pesky food safety. I stopped eating it and threw the rest away. (Cookies and chocolate pieces were saved and set in the fridge, as those are usually more stable.)

My impulsiveness also kept me from making a "proper" meal for myself. In the morning, I'll have something with more food groups, but emotions are clinging to that cheesecake and not sitting well with me. (Not nauseated, just some regret mixed with other weird things.) I'm near the end of my cycle, so that's my excuse for my current condition, at least partly.

I've taken my meds this morning, though I think I was late to take them yesterday (closer to noon). I was going to finish tasks for a game-event on my phone, but fatigue has eroded away my interest. There are some echoes of a dream that are lingering (kissing a hand, fairy bread), along with reading the symbolism from another recent dream, bothering my thoughts. Again, fatigue makes me want to ignore them.

I'm trying to search my memories for answers to my current situation. I've talked about this with my counselor and phone-friend. I've developed strategies before. I just can't think right now. It wasn't actions; it was attitudes, how to regard things and not get discouraged.

She also asked how I felt about the portraits from that dream, the one that's still bugging me. The symbolism site I read said it was "how you want to be seen by others", and that's true, but the details about the artist made it weird. I noted contrasts with other dreams of similar themes. Need to write down those imagery-symbols, so I can report back later.

The part about grout in dentures paralleled my dental cleaning, as well. It bothers me that it was a prediction, in a sense. The only other predictive dream I've had was related to my assault. And that anniversary is later this month, so I'm trying to keep my brain from revisiting those unhappy places.

There were also some story scenarios I envisioned as I went through that endorphin crash. I wrote about it but saved it as a draft, as it felt too painful to let anyone else see. I just had counseling the day before dental, so it's another week+ before we talk again. If I'm not feeling better by Tuesday, I'll ask for an earlier appointment.

I know there are bad feelings bubbling closer to the surface right now. They're buried under a layer of numbness, at the moment, which is also preventing me from thinking much. I appreciate how my brain is unconsciously/subconsciously? protecting me.

Still working through how much I allow myself to lean on others. This pain isn't new; there's nothing to be done by either me or them. So why bother sharing it? Maybe I'm using that as a cover-up for shame, too. Vulnerability is embarrassing, after all. Guess the mental health stuff is pretty heavy if I'm wrestling with philosophical stuff about deserving to be cared for. But it's also not easy to undo a lifetime of bad lessons, so I must be patient and kind with myself. I think I'll take a nap.

[wickedworm]

hey all! i know its been a minute but i was writing this little cringe ass blurb and havent finished it. i got some inspiration from the lovely @golden-gypsy after she sent me an ask nearly a year ago 😅 this has been living in my drafts for a while. im not sure if ill finish it unforunately. things have been weird and ive been going through my adhd cycle of interests where i dump the last one and move onto the next. anyway, enjoy whatever the hell this is.

December, 1994

Jerry

This is fucking pathetic. It's midnight, it's freezing, and I'm alone on the street, calling my wife on a payphone.

I stood out in the freezing Seattle cold, clutching a payphone as I called my wife. I wanted to laugh at myself for how pitiful it all seemed. I've barely talked to her - shit, I haven't even seen her since I went to Oklahoma. We talked on the phone but I never had much to say. And I didn't really know what to say. But I thought about her. I thought about her all the fucking time. And I would've actually talked to her, made that effort, had I felt worthy of it. I didn't deserve it. It wasn't fair to her. I needed to get my shit together.

When I came back to Washington, I tried to give Raven - and myself - plenty of time. I didn't want to go home right away, I wanted to try to get back into the swing of things. I set up some dates to write and rehearse with Sean and Mike. When that all fell through, I got pretty discouraged. I went from motel to motel, couch to couch, trying to write some of my own stuff. I was pretty much living in my car for that whole week. And I just wrote. A lot. I wrote about everything, but especially her. It felt like I would never stop.

And it hit me that I had freewill. I could just go to her. I could turn on the engine and drive home.

I was sitting in my car that night, trying to get at least a little sleep. But I couldn't stop thinking of Raven. I thought maybe I could get to sleep easier thinking of her. I imagined her next to me, leaning on my

shoulder and pointing at stars through the windshield. Tracing out constellations I've never heard of with her finger.

"Are you sure?" I asked, trying not to sound or feel like a begging dog.

"Just come home, Jer."

I'm not ready. I can't go back. I don't deserve her. I can't break her heart anymore.

Her voice, even over the crackling of the payphone, was soft and tired. But soothing. I could imagine her face, resembling her voice. There was moonlight shining through the window and over her face,

reflecting in her eyes. I pictured her holding the phone in one hand, and with her other hand she twirled and tangled the cord between her fingers.

"I just- I d-don't-" Fuck.

I leaned my head against the steering wheel, hoping the cold leather against my forehead would help me think straight.

I slammed the phone down. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't even get a full sentence out and I'm completely sober. She wants me home. I don't know what to do. I went back to my car and threw

the door shut.

'Just come home, Jer.'

Her voice repeated in my head. Her soft, gentle voice. Just come home.

I sat back up. Ok, I'm going home.

Raven

I sat on the porch steps, waiting in the dark and cold for Jerry. I fidgeted with the frayed edge of the blanket I wrapped myself in, couldn't help but feel nervous. What would I see in front of me when he arrives? Would he look the same? Sound and feel the same? Or would he be completely different? It had only been a year since I'd seen him, but was that normal for a married couple? Maybe it was,

considering our circumstances. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't spend that year worried sick about him. And I'd definitely be lying if I said I didn't miss him. It tore me up to see him the way he was before

he left. And it tore me up to not see him at all.

Over the phone, he tried to make it sound like he didn't need help. If only he knew just how much I can see through his bullshit. I mean, he articulated his emotions very well, he wasn't afraid to show or

tell people how he felt. But in the past few years, there were times when he really shut down. Especially when Layne started to lose himself.

I blamed myself a lot for what happened. I thought if I kept myself calm and collected, Jerry maybe wouldn't have left the way he did. I remember I could physically feel my heart breaking when I watched

him storm out of the door. I know he wouldn't have done that had he not been under so much pressure. He couldn't take anymore of it.

I must have fallen asleep on the porch waiting for him. I jumped awake at the sound of him shutting his truck door. I immediately shivered, noticed it was snowing. Through the flakes, I looked up at Jerry. The fading porch light just barely made him visible.

I remember I called Sean a few hours after Jerry left the house and felt my stomach drop when he said he hadn't seen him. Then he called me the next morning saying he turned up at his apartment,

hungover and soaking wet from the rain. He put Jer on the phone, he told me he was sorry and he was going to leave for a while. Then he told me he loved me and hung up. He didn't let me get a word in.

I was relieved that he was ok. But I was scared, too. And even still, I wasn't sure what of.

"Have you been out here this whole time?" He took a few steps toward me.

His voice. It's him.

I jumped up to my feet and nearly tackled him to the ground. He lifted me up off the ground into his arms. I squeezed as hard as I could, needing to feel him to make sure he was real and that he was ok. I breathed in his scent, the usual old spice and tobacco.

"Come on." He held me close to him and carried me inside.

"I missed you," He whispered into my hair and hugged me tight. "I'm sorry for everything."

I don't know what came over me but I just couldn't let go. I felt a lump in my throat and I didn't bother holding it back, he couldn't see me cry anyway. Not with my face buried deep in his jacket. I could

barely breathe but I didn't care.

He set me down and I grabbed his face before I could even put my feet on the ground. I've been waiting for those words.

"What took you so long?" I could barely get it out, I choked through the words.

"I'm sorry."

I didn't want to go back to that.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. He said it but why didn't it feel like enough? In the months before he left, I spent more nights alone in bed than I did with him next to me, where he was supposed to be. He

was somewhere else, doing God knows what at God knows where. There were days where I'd be worried sick about him, only for him to show up drunk later that night.

Jerry

"God, I missed you." She whispered, her voice just barely audible in the quiet of the house.

She didn't let go for a long time, and I just let her. She had to be freezing. I could feel the sting of her cold fingers against my neck as she held onto me. I shut the door behind us with my foot and felt the

warmth of the house envelop us. When I set her down, she pulled away and looked at me. I saw my wife for the first time in a year. And she looked the same. Did I think she'd be different?

"You ok?" Her voice was small, but I could sense her concern.

Her cheeks were red and cold. I didn't even realize I was touching her face until she leaned into my hand. Flecks of white snow dotted her dark curls and I wiped one away from her eyebrow. Even in the

cold winter, the freckles spread across her face were still prominent. Like a beam of sunlight always followed her. I just stared. I felt like a little kid, gawking at a beautiful girl.

I snapped out of whatever trance I was in, just enough to nod and reassure her.

"Ok." She mouthed.

Raven

I traced my fingers over his face, his stubble. I smiled to myself, realizing his goatee was gone. He knew I hated it.

"I like this." I told him while holding his jaw.

He chuckled. "Yeah. I know."

[whentherewerebicycles]

okay IUI cycle goals under the cut

I’ll have two weeks to kill before I test. here’s what I’d like to do or not do in that time:

no forum checking. I spent way too much time reading random internet threads and driving myself crazy last time. it didn’t give me any new or useful info and it just made the time pass slower. every time I feel the itch to google something or look at a forum, I want to instead replace that behavior with adding one sentence to my fic draft OR to my prep document for the campus visit.

I also want to try to avoid nonstop calendar checking or counting days. to some extent that will be inevitable (I can’t suppress my knowledge of where I am in the cycle lol) but I can definitely do a better job of not checking each day off a countdown list or counting how many days are left. my goal is to do the IUI today and then do my best to forget about it until it’s time to test on 4/4 or 4/5.

on a similar note: no early testing. I was still getting false positives from the trigger shot on day 11/12 and it was way more of a bummer to see a positive on the strip and watch it fade than it would’ve been to just get a negative on day 14. so I want to wait it out, which will be tough at times but is something I know I can do. again, when I feel the itch to test, I’ll open my draft or my interview prep doc and add a line. channel that antsy waiting energy into something productive!

the research and advice on exercise during the two week window is mixed—generally it seems like vigorous exercise is discouraged but easy to moderate exercise is strongly encouraged. I’d prefer not to stop running entirely but I may take a few days off after the procedure, then switch back to easy intervals at a slow pace every other day or every two days. I think my main exercise goal for this period will just be to continue walking 60-90 minutes a day. that might mean losing some of the progress I’ve made this month but that’s okay—it’ll be good to remind myself that you can build back up even after a break.

I would like to leave 14 comments on 14 fics! I have been slacking for months in that area and I feel guilty and a little disconnected from fandom activity as a result. I’m going to write a big reminder on my dry erase board so it’s right there in front of me at work every day.

I think that’s it! I don’t think I’m going to set any specific goals around writing this time around because I’m not confident in my ability to achieve them right now… and while I do want to challenge myself I want to first set myself up for success with these two-week goals and build a habit of accomplishing them before I set goals I know I’ll be more resistant to working towards.

[iwannatalkaboutme]

big morning reading

the sun in reverse. what is keeping you from feeling happy? it's hard for me to recognize right now because i feel like i am happy but there are still shadows that need to be identified more clearly and addressed.

9 of cups. i'm setting myself up for emotional fulfillment, doing things that i feel like doing and embracing the things that bring me joy.

10 of cups reversed. but i'm not yet at the point of emotional fulfillment because there are still blockages. not to be discouraged though, the 9 of cups tells me i'm closer than i have been in awhile. the reversed 10 just reminds me that there is still deeper work to be done and to be careful not to continue convincing myself of contentment and forcing acceptance where change can be made.

7 of pentacles reversed. don't forget your current purpose and motivation is to reevaluate your values and figure out what makes you happy and how you can embrace that and which blockages are holding you back from fulfillment. and don't feel overwhelmed by the work that's to be done. it will all bring you closer to yourself.

the empress in reverse. focus on self care and balancing connecting with nature and connecting with your spirit. nourish your body, mind, and soul properly. spend more time outside barefoot in the grass. paint the trees. make art. creating is building the bridge between soul and ego, allowing them to live in harmony instead of causing internal conflict.

2 of wands reversed. you don't need to obsessively question yourself. this is a symptom of not trusting yourself. it's good to check in and look at things from different angles but once you are standing strong as who you are you will question yourself less. and you'll be okay with the possibility of making "the wrong" decisions because they'll be your heart's decisions, not ones that were made in the confusion of the mind. you'll be more likely to regret a life spent changing your mind every time you compared yourself to someone else or took advice that was good for them on their path, but maybe not good for you on yours.

wheel of fortune. things are looking up. my body feels lighter, i'm making and keeping little promises to myself every day to rebuild self trust. this card reminds me that just like earth, life is constantly spinning. sometimes the sun shines bright and sometimes the darkness hides all that we awed at in the light. but the light is always there. and the darkness is always there with it. both waiting for us to spin back around into their sphere of influence. when either one fills the sky we know the other will come back soon. just as when one covers our own worlds we must know that it's only a matter of time. bask in the light while it's here, and light candles when it's away.

page of wands. continue to embrace wonder and simple pleasures. being back home has reminded me of my essence that i lost sight of when i was somewhere else, trying to be someone else. i'm reminded of being a kid and a teenager and how much i loved learning and art and self exploration. i lost passion for these things when i started to believe that the hedonistic ways of the people around me were maybe a "better" way to live than my "boring" ways that I enjoyed.

9 of wands reversed. there are still major blockages that are hindering me from expressing myself fully and doing the things i wanna do. my routine hasn't been fostering creative action. i think about a lot of things i wanna do but i don't actually do them. i still get really discouraged by not being an immediate master of something. there's a reason you feel this urge to create and it's not good for your soul to ignore inspiration.

soooo basically with the two major arcana being the sun in reverse and the wheel of fortune, it's like okay you made it back home you're feeling good but don't ignore the depths of yourself that have kept you in this cycle of feeling fine for months and then realizing you havent been living the way that you wanna be. this is a time of appreciating where you're at physically, mentally, and emotionally, but not neglecting the parts of your psyche that still hold you back. make sure your contentment isn't just relief from getting out of a situation that was draining in every way.

don't lose sight of the bigger changes needing to be made: take better care of yourself, practice art, and challenge self limiting beliefs.

[gwydionmisha]

Personal: Arm Rehab is Endless

I was kind of a mess at physio. We did a couple of things and then he spent the bulk of the session working on my arm. He thinks that I am using my pectoral muscles too much trying to compensate for my completely thrashed deltoids. That's my assignment along with continuing to try to undo the thing where the wrong sling fucked up arm alignment and posture from the previous session, plus trying to do the excercises, which generally eats up a couple hours of my night if my arm is working.

It's funny how lying still and having someone else work my arm thrashes me almost as much as swimming to exhaustion. Bodies are weird. Thursday night I was so tired that I basically fed myself and did my daily poll stuff on tumblr, then had to go right back to bed.

This means all the news links are just sitting there waiting for me to get to them instead of at least half posted to tumblr and scaffolded for the aggregate. Sigh. I am on track to do all or most of the Friday physio, at least. (I owe for sets of two types of excercises. One easy, one mid-range as of 5PM).

My physio got approved by Medicare for another cycle, which is good, because, really, I'm making very little progress to an utterly discouraging extent. Unfortunately they are way booked, so there will be massive gaps in August and September and this cycle is running to mid-October. (Yikes!) Let's hope some sort of progress occurs. I'm a little freaked that my arm still collapses when I try to lift anything over two pounds and I can't hold my arm out straight to the side without help.

[bunnybams11]

Life Update

Life is a mess. It's been 2 years since I graduated from college, and it is hard. After taking so many job opportunities that come my way, there's no one who has ever hired me. And I guess I am also terrible about getting my civil engineer license.

There's never been a day that I have been struggling. Finding myself stuck at every moment and always looking back at the past and wishing I have done better. I always tell myself that this journey of mine will have breakthrough someday but everytime I think and invite positive energy, it always hook me to my saddest moment of my life, the reality. 

I don't have any job experience aside from working part time as a assistant video editor working under my brother. I work from home and self taught to every little things about video editing. The couple of months as I start is very hard and struggling. I always find myself crying for every little details I don't know about video editing. It drains my soul that I don't even work the course I studied. It just, I grab the oppotutnity in front of me because I don't have a choice.  

Not until a year passed by. By the way, I didn't stop taking the board examination eventhough I can't concentrate to study everytime. I am tired of trying at everything, as if my luck has run out and all the opportunities have gone. It is telling me that whatever I do, I suck and can't move forward because I am a loser. And I hate that feeling.

Now that I decided to go far away from my home, to have new beginning and challenges that I know will help me. I want to apply again another job while waiting since I have to try and try right? and I tried again today to apply a job. Every cents I have to pay to get done that application; the sweats and effort to manage to get in; and that knowing today, after the pre-interview, I realize that i don't even qualify to be in that position and it tears me up that up knowing that until today I still suck at everything. I want to be gone in this world.

Actually, I am sad and tired. I felt really insecure to those around me that they have work to attend, they have the support they need, and even financially okay in things. I want to get out of this cycle and get my best in me, but I am tired and I don't know why even though there's so much to be thankful for. I am guilty that I even felt this way toward mylife.

To the future me, I hope you are doing well and happy. I hope that you in there is very busy working toward you dreams and goals in life. I hope you still hold to God even though your paths is very hard and rough. I hope you will find this and give a laugh because it turns out that life is going to be fine anyway.

Bam, I know you are struggling, overthinking, scared, lonely and discouraged. In this season, you need to strenghten your faith and believe that you have already won the battle. Don't be too hard to yourself and don't be too soft to the situation given to you. Toughen your ideals and ask the Lord to lead the way.

You have purpose in this world, remember that. You are important as everyone on this planet. And you are one in a billion favored in the Lord Jesus Christ.

Time will come and everything will set place according to His will.

Love you, Bam. Good job as always.

[sideralumen]

Since 2024 is right around the corner I wanted to type out a list of things I wanna do next year since I wasn't able to do most of the things I wanted to do this year because of the accident. I also thought posting em here would help motivate me to actually do them, so here we go!

I wanna get back into traditional art. It used to be my primary way I did art but over the years I kinda went full digital without realizing it so I think it would be a fun challenge for me to get back into the swing of traditional art. I also think it could help me in areas of my art I struggle with such as making interesting color pallets/moods by eye instead of relying on filters and blending modes along with doing poses without refs (note references are very good and very useful tool I ain't knocking em but I feel like I've been relying on them TOO much this year cause of just art block issues)

I want to post art more. I haven't really posted much art to my socials this year cause I haven't really been proud of anything I made and the few things I did post to various social media's never did well so it discouraged me from posting even more, But nothing ever did good cause I didn't post regularly so it was just a really bad cycle of art block and insecurity for me. So I wanna start posting more consistently on all my main socials I like posting art to no matter how good I think the quality is, i wanna build confidence in my art no matter the medium and just build a name for myself online. I don't really care too much about how popular I get I just wanna connect with people who love art just as much as I do and inspire people with my art and stories!

I wanna write more. I actually really like the idea of making my own webcomic/graphic novel so I'll plan these huge projects and get really far into the process but when it's time to actually write the story I just immediately burn out, I wanna get better at writing in general so it doesn't feel like a chore to me. I was thinking of actually making fanfiction again as practice to start off since fanfic communities have always seemed very welcoming to beginner writers like myself so all I really need to do is shake off the shame of my middle school klance fanfic writing days and create something. Honestly the only reason this really got delayed wasn't because I didn't have the time but it was because it was too much strain on me physically, because of the accident it was harder for me to focus on words on a screen/page so not only did I stop writing completely I also stopped reading for the most part too cause it made me really light headed and sick but now that I'm not suffering from the effects of a skull fracture as intensely as I was at the first half of 2023 I feel confident enough to give writing a try again. Also my spelling sucks i wanna fix that.

I wanna get outside more. I actually wanted to get into skateboarding really bad this year but after the accident I basically had to relearn to walk completely so even now that I can be up and about for way longer then I've been able to I still don't feel like my ankle could support me enough to skateboard. BUT I think I would be able to handle roller skating so I wanna get myself some skates and start doing that in my free time, nothing really intense or anything just kinda skating around my neighborhood or at a park or a rink. I've been doing daily walks in the morning but I feel like something more exciting and engaging would really benefit my physical health.

And thats my list for the most part, there's other stuff I left out but I wanted to focus on how to improve myself when it comes to my hobbies and how the accident effected those things, I'm not out here getting too personal on the internet. Ik this won't get seen by anyone but I'm not taking my chances lol

[keefwho]

September 16 - 2023 Saturday

9:21am

I know whats wrong with me. I have a lot of thoughts and stories in my head dictating my life right now. That combined with how common it is to feel like this on the weekend, it's starting to happen naturally. That and I didn't do myself any favors expecting this weekend to be just like this.

I'm having the thought that my desires are worth nothing and shouldn't be pursued. I'm having the thought that my friends secretly want to distance from me because I'm low key toxic and they know it. I'm having the thought that I inherently cause damage to the things and people around me. I'm having the thought that I am a very selfish person, putting my own needs before the needs of others.

I look at myself from a third person perspective and I'm so disappointed. I know how I am behaving because of how I'm feeling. I may not act as much in self sabotage but I still think in a way to sabotage myself. Which in a sense is still acting on it because I deliberately focus on thoughts that I know are going to twist my mind towards self destruction, ultimately so I can get easy validation from others when they come to help, if they do. Just when I think I had started stopping this cycle, I realize it's only taken a different form. It is better I guess, I went from thinking and physically acting on it to only thinking about it. But thats still very harmful. My mind has a way of manipulating me in a way that I know is toxic to myself and everyone around me.

The question is how to act in a way that discourages this. I can't completely write off the assistance of friends. I just need to be aware if I'm using their help to fill that void of self worth or as a way to actually get better. I already know better than to act on thoughts that serve no purpose other than to reach an unhelpful end goal. I'm better at recognizing those.

The other thing is figuring out how to accept myself when I get like this. It's already hard enough to accept myself when I'm in a better headspace, so right now it seems impossible to see myself in a good light. But the reality is there is a reason I'm feeling this way and as I've learned, all feelings are valid. It only matters how I act while I carry them. The goal is to not let them dictate my behavior, as hard as that is.

10:35am

I'm having the thought that I'm completely alone today and that it's going to stay that way. I'm having the thought that I'm worthless and nothing is worth trying.

My heart hurts and I want to stay in bed all day.

I guess I'm just upset that I'm not getting more attention honestly. As in I have this strong devotion to doing everything I can if I think I can help but I'm not getting that back right now. And it hurts. But I question if I'm asking for too much or if this is an unhealthy desire. I feel alone right now and I wouldn't if I felt like I was cared about in the slightest but I don't today because my calls for help are unheeded. Or maybe it's not obvious enough. I don't know. I'm bitter right now and feel like I can do nothing but wait to see if I will called upon later.

I also hate myself for having all the time and energy to work on things I want to finish but I just fucking can't do it. My terrible mood is stopping me, amongst other mental hurdles.

Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and do nothing before I yet again cause damage to everything.

11:06am

I get it. No one wants me around when I'm like this. All relationships are conditional on me not being a fucking idiot. I have no choice but to isolate until I either clean up my act or die.

I'm having the thought that I am nobody. My entire life is invalid.

11:39am

I'M FUCKING STUPID. I can do LITERALLY anything but I'm stuck deciding on nothing because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll pick the wrong thing, which means I'll miss out on something else. Or whatever I pick won't go well and I'll perceive it as wasted time. I'm afraid no matter what I pick, it'll be wrong and I'll beat myself up for it. But doing nothing is even worse. Sitting here crying about it is the worst possible outcome so picking literally anything would be better. The point of the weekend to me is to be able to do whatever I want for as long as I want with no consequences. It's a time of ultimate play where I can explore things in ways weekdays won't allow. Why can't I fucking understand that.

[hey-itscay]

DFF (Designated Fat Friend

I'm the fat friend of the group also known as the “designated fat friend” (DFF). I excluded the “U” from the abbreviation, because I don’t think I am ugly. Being fat doesn’t automatically make someone ugly… it just means they’re … fat with greater potential to become more attractive. Anyways, I'm the one who always seems to be the biggest. I'm also the girl who can't find clothes that fit properly. I'm the one who hangs out in her car and eats alone because she doesn't feel like eating with other people. The girl who eats due to loneliness. The girl who eats due to boredom. I'm the girl who hates going shopping, because it's never an easy process. Seeing the size increase each time I go makes the experience even more painful than the last, because it's a harsh reminder that I am fat. Getting winded while walking up a flight of stairs is one of the many things that I'm ashamed of. I don't feel worthy of love because of my weight, and I don't feel completely accepted by others due to this. Because of how I look, I refuse to accept myself. I'm the woman who waited too long to accept herself, and I make up excuses for my unhealthy behavior because of how ashamed I am. The girl who always feels like she doesn't have a connection with herself is crying herself to sleep because of this.  I'm the girl who knows her comfort zone is her greatest reward disguised as her worst enemy.

Most people don't realize that being fat is more than just a physical issue, it's also a mental one that can affect your life in various ways. Throughout my life, I've always been fat. When I was in 7th grade, I was at 170 pounds, while when I was in 9th grade, I was at 198 pounds. At college, I had dropped to 160 pounds, which was considered overweight because of my height. Now, I'm at 224 pounds, which is the heaviest I've been. I've tried various diets and workouts. The only thing I haven't done is stay consistent, which unfortunately is the most important part. If I say I really want something but don't take the steps to make it happen, do I really want it as bad as I think I do? I know the lifestyle I'm living isn’t a healthy one and some might go as far to say that I'm killing myself by not taking the necessary steps to improve my health. Yet, knowing all that I know I still haven't lost the weight.  

For the next 180 days, I'm going to make a commitment to myself to improve my health and make sure that I'm eating the best possible food. This will involve avoiding processed food and not buying fast food. I will eat a whole food diet. I'll also be exercising at least 30 minutes a day. I’m also going to try to keep myself engaged through various activities. Some of these include attending at least two classes a month and participating in either boxing, cycling, Pilates, or yoga classes. MyFitnessPal will allow me to monitor my food intake and stay in control of my calories. I will track this entire journey by journaling And taking progress photos. Hopefully, this will allow me to look back at how far I've come and give me the motivation to keep moving forward. I’m going to try not to get discouraged, but I will also promise myself that I will not quit. This is a very challenging journey, and it's something that I'll have to take on to improve my body and life. If I want to optimize this body, then I must make sure that I'm doing what is right for my health. At the end of the day, all I have is myself.

 Sign: Soon to be Fit Friend

Date: February 1, 2023

[timeoverload]

My appointment today didn't go very well. I waited 2 hours just to get an expensive lecture and to be told that I'm basically stuck like this and they can't help me. I have to go see a pain specialist now which means I might have to get epidural steroid injections. The good news is that I don't need surgery at this time. However, that could change in the future given my current state and my shitty genes. The doctor just told me I need to quit my job and find something else to do or else I will continue to deteriorate. He said I'm too tiny to be doing physical labor all the time. I hate being told that I can't do things because of my size even though I know he's right. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do because I'm not qualified to do anything else. Honestly, I really care about what I do even if it does kill me and I complain about it sometimes. I know they don't always treat me the best but I like being able to help people even though I'm not working with them directly. I like to feel useful but instead I feel like a burden to my department lately. I can tell people are annoyed with me for being the way I am. I've been trying to do more than I should because I feel bad but I'm feeling the consequences now. I don't want to let anyone down. I'm honestly ashamed of myself and I feel broken. I'm in so much debt right now. I just wanted my parents to be proud of me for having a good job and working hard. It hasn't gotten me anywhere. I haven't accomplished anything. I feel like I'm not good at anything because I've failed at every job I've ever had in some way or another. I've dropped out of college 3 times and I really don't want to go back again. I feel like my options are limited right now and there aren't any good jobs around here that I can actually do. I don't know where I belong anymore. I guess I'm glad I don't have to go back to see him for anything because he wasn't very nice but after working around surgeons for years I'm not really surprised by his personality. I feel like he didn't address all of the issues that were on my MRI and I could sense he was in a hurry as I was his last patient of the day. I wish I could avoid him entirely but unfortunately I have to see him at work still. I almost feel stupid for even going to talk to him. I'm feeling extremely discouraged and depressed. I know I have to figure something out very soon but I'm so tired. I'm afraid no one can help me. It feels like a never-ending cycle. I really wish I could just run away from everything.

[artsbysmarty]

Gonna forgo a funny comic and be serious for a hot minute! (CW: wall of text, family death, mental health discussion)

I’m more than grateful to be a 1st year medical student right now. I feel truly blessed that I get to further my medical education at a wonderful school with some of the nicest, most thoughtful people I’ve ever met as my classmates and friends. But I will say the application process to medical school was one of the most emotionally taxing things I’ve ever gone through— and if I hadn’t gotten in this year, I genuinely would not have wanted to try again.

Just a few months before I was expected to apply in 2020, a month before I took the MCAT, I lost someone very close to me. I ended a long-term relationship and then the world shut down while I was taking some of my hardest classes. Obviously none of that was good for my mental state; it doesn’t help that I’m already so prone to anxiety. But application season was approaching, so I channeled what little energy I had everyday into getting my application ready. My first cycle results were kind of embarrassing: I didn’t even get a single interview invite. The next year I spent improving my application in every way I could: getting work experience, healthcare exposure, spending half the day prepping for retaking the MCAT. I wish I’d enjoyed my gap year more, but it was marked by me feeling like a catastrophic failure at the beginning for not making my parents proud and then feeling exhausted near the end from spending all my time working two jobs and saving up for school, with the fear in the back of my mind that it would all be for nothing yet again. My mom used to joke that she’d marry me off if I didn’t get an acceptance, which I did not find as funny as she did lmaoo.

This isn’t meant to scare anyone off! I just feel like I needed to be honest with myself about what I went through with applying, especially when people around me only see the end result— the white coat. My advice to premeds is this: If you’re applying this cycle or thinking of applying next year, it’s totally okay to feel discouraged if you don’t get in. People taking gap years is way more common than you’d think, so be sure to use it as an opportunity to learn about yourself. It’s okay to let yourself feel upset, to express your doubts out loud to someone you trust, because it’s the only way you’ll be in a position to get back up and dive back in. The application process is honestly the worst part of all this— if you’re anything like me it’ll take a lot of time, money, and will to live out of you. (I will save my rant about financial barriers and diversity in medicine for another day.) It WILL suck, and that’s okay. Because if medicine is something you’re truly passionate about (and I mean REALLY passionate so take a sec to think about what you wrote in your personal statement), it’ll all be worth it come May. Hang in there, and good luck on your cycle!

[aurosoulart]

(You really don't have to respond to this but I wanted to try anyway. But if you don't want to, I understand.)

I'm really struggling with my art right now since I started being pressured into thinking what I want to do in the future. I know that a lot of people don't end up following a clear path towards their goals and dreams and often struggle with paving it. Many are left unfinished and some take longer than others. But I just... I want to get into art but from where I am, it's not exactly a career that makes much money or one that's taken seriously. I know that's a situation that many artists face but it's seriously not taken as a very serious career where I'm from and artists from here often heavily depend on online connections or just end up going to other countries to either get better education or better job opportunities.

Since I began to think more about this, I've been really unsatisfied with anything I make. It's not good enough, not distinct enough, not as polished as others...just not the level I want it to be. So I try to improve and teach myself things I know I should improve on but...all it honestly did was discourage me. Everytime I make something, I just get frustrated because I'm not getting the results I want. It's been like this for...a while. A cycle of frustration, envy, doubt, and hopelessness. I get envious of my friends who do better and get frustrated with myself for not being as good and for feeling jealous. It's been taking a serious toll on my mental health.

Now, all I can think about is considering a different career and just maybe do art on the side, like a lot of artists I know. But I just...I don't see myself doing anything else but art. I'm not good with academics. I struggle even more in that area which is why I always found solace in art. That's gone now. Hopefully not permanently but...yeah.

I just don't know what I want and if that really matters compared to what I need to do to even have a future. I just don't know...

aw anon first of all I want to say that it's not a burden at all to answer questions like this and I'm honored you shared in the first place - art has a reputation for being a competitive and cutthroat field where we're all against each other, but it doesn't have to be that way ��

this became very long so I'm putting it under a readmore so I don't assault your dashes with a wall of text:

you're definitely not alone in any of these feelings. ALL the artists I know (even the successful ones who have steady careers out of it!) feel this struggle against capitalism, against losing enjoyment, against not feeling good enough and being treated like content machines amidst a society that has lost its connection with the fact that art is the foundation for everything.

it can feel like you're living in a kind of twilight zone when you're trying to pursue art (which is something I believe is fundamental to human nature) while also trying to make a living off of it in a capitalist society that doesn't value artists but simultaneously makes billions of dollars off us! (videogames! movies! television!)

as artists we need love and enjoyment for our craft to create good art and get the drive to improve it, but the very thing we're reaching for (financial success) is the thing that sucks all that joy right out of it. it's common for people to finally break into the industry only to get chewed up and spat right back out again due to the mistreatment within it.

I think every artist at some point in their life reaches this point (the point you're at now) and has to decide... is this really worth it? should I just settle, get some other job, carve out bits of time where I can to create (something, anything) on my time off?

and a lot of people do settle! they eventually find a balance between their day jobs and their creativity, or, tragically, some give up on art altogether. it's a very personal decision and there's no shame in taking this path - in fact everything you wrote up there is stuff I consider heavily even now. (I don't make a living wage yet either and am still at the very beginning of my art career)

but there is one question that always stops me from giving up, and this is the question we should ALL ask ourselves no matter what: what do I want to do with my life? all mental obstacles, societal expectations, prior assumptions aside, what do I want to actually do with my precious time spent alive in this universe?

the answer is always to make art, to connect with and be kind to other people, to find out what art they want to make and to use my skills to help them create it.

my life path has been wildly strange as a result of me following these goals - I've struggled terribly with mental illness and have relied entirely on others (like my parents, my friends' parents, my bf) for a place to crash while I did odd jobs (I even applied to live in a commune once!), but I've mostly accepted that my 'career' path isn't going to be able to meaningfully compare to anyone else's, and as long as I'm making progress and giving back to my loved ones, it's still worthwhile to pursue. and, while progress has been slow compared to other people, I've still come so far and I wouldn't dream of trading my life for another's.

I know it's incredibly difficult but the best thing you can do is stop comparing yourself to anyone else. you have a wealth of experience within your own life, your own memories, skills, and unique perspectives, and that uniqueness is incompatible with comparison. 'could be' and 'should be' are lies our brain tells us when we're brought up in competitive societies.

what do you like? what brings you joy? how can you bring creativity into those things, and how can you share it? what did your creativity feel like as a child? what did you dream of then, and how far have you come now?

asking myself these questions always helps me when I'm in this spot, doubting everything, feeling hopeless.

remember, life is precious, and we are here to create, but also to feel. joy, envy, grief, love... all of it goes hand-in-hand with creation, and that creation is how we make sense of this life. there's a deeper meaning to all of this, and losing sight of that and trying to rush ourselves into a successful career without making space for play, joy, and love will often lead to pain.

I wish you luck with your journey - and I hope things get easier for you in the future. 💛

[scrawnytreedemon]

Victor Frankenstein and Frustration: a Not-Essay, because I can’t structure for shit.

Alright, I’ll try to keep it as clean and concise as I can, but at the end of the day this is a sorta-heat-in-the-moment thing I’m writing while all the ideas and motivation are in me yet. I will be jumping around alot of topics, as this covers alot of ground, but I can’t say I’ll do it with grace: for this, I apologise.

I’ve noticed a trend in online lit fandom, not just on Tumblr, to condense Victor’s character to something roughly following “arrogant, ineffectual and selfish weenie who failed horribly at parenting, who ought not to be taken seriously in any significant way, largely in-due to his constant whining“ --In other words, a right twat.

And here’s the thing: largely, I agree.

However, what I take issue with, I suppose, is largely how this is all framed.

See, fandom has a tendency to sort characters into boxes, and then pick favourites or bête noires from that selection; this is helpful for the largely memetic(as in, shareable,) nature of online spaces; but where I think this thinking falls short is that it tends to divide casts into More Good or More Evil, with little room for nuance.

I think you can see where I’m going with this.

Victor Frankenstein, by all accounts, is an incredibly frustrating character to witness; he gets way in over his head, isolates himself from his loved ones, leaving them worried, deems those ambitions failed, hides from them, then when shit starts hitting the fan, he takes initial actions to try and mitigate the consequence, hits a roadblock, either stops their or chooses an even worse option, someone else gets hurt, he whines, rinse and repeat until the final act of the book, as the stakes get higher and higher and his mental state deteriorates more, and more, and more. If you look at this entirely from an outsiders’ perspective, as you, the audience, being subjected to his moaning time and time again, it can wear on you and your sympathies-- Needless to say, I Get It™.

I think, however, it needs be remarked that Victor is also just some guy. 

What I feel is often missed, is that even before Victor goes to university, he has just suffered the loss of his mother, with little time to recover, and that all of this is being told in hindsight, on his deathbed.

When Victor took on, all by himself, at twenty-two years old, not even letting anyone else know what he was up to, the monumental task of creating life, and then finding that life horribly botched, he did not have the perspective that what he created was equivalent to a newborn child-- For all he knew, he might have animated an actual demon. It isn’t until two years later, after the death of his little brother at the hands of said demon, the he’s even remotely made aware of this.

Victor had worn himself out over the course of several months, physically and mentally, to this one task. He was not equipped to deal witht he consequences. I do not say this to downplay the weight of his actions, or the horrible mess of events that come afterwards, but to state perspective. Victor does not have the hindsight we have at the time of this act. I cannot stress this enough. As much as I enjoy Deadbeat Dad Vick jokes, I get the feeling many people actually view the story from this lens, and hold Victor up to that standard.

Then there’s the trial of Justine: a horrible, useless, unneeded and avoidable affair that ends in even more senseless death. This is where alot of people’s sympathy for Victor runs out-- For more than understandable reasons. He failed to act accordingly, to share the information he had, deeming it to be either dismissed instantly or for himself to be put under scrutiny; it’s clear he’s passionate about Justine’s innocence, but he cannot push himself past his fear and doubt, and ultimately, it ends in her death.

It is a horrible, horrible moment, and one that cements the tone of the story from there on out.

These are two key events that largely colour this image of Victor so prevelant online; and it certainly doesn’t help, what with fandom being almost aggressively left-leaning at times, that Victor comes from a place of privilege; he is almost tailor-made to push all the buttons of fandom sensitivities.

Let me elaborate.

A key feature of Victor’s character is his complete and utter inability to ask for help; no matter how dire the situation. Victor feels, that, despite and even because of his incompetence, that it is his cross and his cross alone to bear. Any inolvement from others, such as Clerval when he heads to England, is hesitant and highly discouraged, even when he wants nothing more than to partake in the company of his loved ones, after all he’s been through. While it is also heavily coloured by the anguished sentiment that borders on self-absorption so much of the time, I think it is also worthy to examine this too.

Victor’s tendency to indulge in self-pity and self-loathing is nigh, if not entirely, all-consuming; it pervades the narrative to a painful degree, particularly as it comes from his recollections; it is often exhausting to read through, and nigh unbearable if you already hold a disdane from his previous actions; but here’s the thing I think most people miss,

Victor is depressed.

I don’t mean “ooh, he’s so sad, leave him alone 🥺,“ I mean the guy is fucking depressed, stuck in a constant cycle of attempting to make do but failing, hating himself even more, letting it consume him because he at once feels like he deserves to be consumed and it’s the only thing he can do then and there to soothe to pain as shit gets worse and worse.

Victor Frankenstein’s internal monolgue is a prime example of deep-seated, far-gone depression, and I say this because I myself have experienced and do experience this. Depression is fucking soul-sucking, man; it turns you in on yourself, makes you feel entirely undeserving of love and compassion, leaves you feeling like you must, have to, deal with this entirely by yourself because it is your cross to bear.

Depression is so often self-flagellating and pointless, leaving the subject drained and often largely unable to experience the world outside their own miserable little bubble.

Victor is so wrapped up in this soul-sucking guilt, attempting to fight his own ineffectuality and in doing so only furthering his own ineffectuality, refusing to ask for help, that he ends up putting the ones he’s trying to protect in further danger as he tries to scramble a hodge-podge solution to the problem he created and couldn’t have even begun to forsee its consequences at twenty-two years old. It is a painful, painful example of how if only he reached out, if only he told someone, was honest, all of this could have been avoided, or at least mitigated.

And I think that’s the thing with Victor.

He’s a kind of banal evil-- If such continuous stumbling can even be considered so --He is an example of every day self-isolation and refusal to let anyone else in ballooning to such a degree it ends in distaster.

People are far, far more willing to forgive Adam for his transgressions-- And I say this as someone far more sympathetic to his plight, what with the absolute abandonment he faced at the hands of humanity --Despite their far more horrific consequences; in many ways, they’re attributed to Victor’s failing; which isn’t entirely untrue,

But I have to wonder, if alot of this also comes down to the fact that Victor’s wrongdoings are so human; leaving someone in your care behind; not speaking up in cases of injustice; being self-involved; again, the constant whining. In a way, it’s the sentiment that in stories a horrible person is often far more bearable than an annoying one.

That doesn’t even begin to touch on how much of the bemoaning might largely be and often is directly post-hoc regret colouring all his previous actions. This, above all else, is a cautionary tale to a fellow idealist in the hopes that Robert Walton doesn’t Fuck Up the way he did. Victor stresses his regret and his failings and his misery time and time again because he wants to protect Robert from a similar fate; a fate that ultimately ends in his death.

Victor Frankenstein is a study in frustration; in audience frustration, self-frustration, narrative frustration; it seeps into every corner of the story.

I am not trying to defend Victor Frankenstein as a person; he is flawed; and he’s meant to be flawed. Victor, at the end of the day, is a deconstruction of the Byronic hero-- Of Great and Powerful Men on the Fronteers of History™-- And most importantly, I think, a deconstruction he himself undergoes. Victor eventually alerts someone, a Genevan magistrate, is doubted just as he feared, and then runs off to take revenge into his own hands.

It takes the death of Elizabeth Lavenza to do so.

Victor is a flawed, miserable man, but not an evil one. That doesn’t mean he deserved to have his life crumble around him.

He could have done better. Should have done better.

And he knows this.

His entire arc is about how he knows this.

Victor dies knowing this.

Him being unlikable doesn’t make him a bad character. Him being unlikable is part of the character; and in a meaningful way.

God, I don’t know how to end this. I’ll probably come back and edit this many, many times.

I guess I’m just tired of people flattening characters just because they’re not particularly endearing.