#and focus on my novel ideas
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// hough
#ooc.#tbd.#i'm sure it's mostly the whole#being completely out of it and sick as anything right now but#starting to have those good old creeping doubt moments about my writing and portrayals as a whole#my vash muse has just vanished recently#even though i adore him#and writing these guys on here is becoming more and more difficult#idk#idk!!!!#this happens sometimes i am just#going to take a step back#and focus on my novel ideas#maybe#idk i might slap another one of my ocs on here at some point too#and actually establish them and audra so people know what the hell their deals are#it is just getting real hard again to convince myself that i can actually write
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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh
#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh#AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game#(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random#townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can#browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around#and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho#Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly#i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol#I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T#Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things#But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense#That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length#text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres#visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol#Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered#boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world#and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY#more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL#Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool#idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh#the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope#''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months#learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have#a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that#and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY
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man. I've been reworking a lot of content involving Act II of Home Is Where You Are and like. ugh. it'd work so freaking well in novel form but I just Do Not have the dedication or the drive to start from scratch and rewrite everything that happens.
idk how else to share the updated version of that part of the story with y'all tho, considering that Khalan's journal is insanely outdated now and isn't entirely canon anymore, so I'll probably just have to accept that I likely won't ever be able to update the story for y'all in the way I wish I could. >n<;;
#spectre says#text post#delete later probably#tbh i'm so tired of being tired#i've had like. no energy to write or draw#even tho. the ideas are there. i've got so many concepts going through my head that i could work on and turn into some kind of tangible art#i tried writing out a new outline for act ii but i got overwhelmed with all the changes and plot holes that still need working out#so idk if i'll even continue with that#even tho it's just bullet points#fhgdjkfg#anyway#the idea of writing everything in novel form just sounds like. SO perfect for the story as it is now#i'd love. to establish both khalan and antony as main characters and focus on what happens to both of them while in Atria#eventually having their stories collide when antony's side of things merges with what's going on with khalan and aya#it'd feel less jarring than how it worked out in the journal#because this part of the story is just as much antony's story as it is khalan and aya's#and he's ultimately the one who fixes things and has 'main character energy' by the end of that act#so establishing him as one of the tertiary main characters early on makes sense i think#but yeah. there's just a lot i'd need to do and i know i wouldn't be able to keep up with it if i did try to start writing.#IM JUST RAMBLING NOW IM SORYO#it's just been on the brain i guess
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I still think the FUNNIEST thing I could do if I ever managed to write the stories in my brain, publish them, and get any kind of decent following would be to destroy the shipping gatekeepers by revealing that EVERY single one of the characters are aroace-spec. Every last one. In fact most of them are 100% hard-core aroace with no attraction to anyone else. That the ones who are into each other are each other's sole exceptions and they would never canonically be interested in any other person.
And, further, that outside of those sole exceptions they're all sex and romance repulsed.
I just think it would be hilarious to watch the "noooooo, you can't headcanon that character as aspec because they're TOTALLY [other identity that they headcanon instead regardless of actual canonical proof, including a lot of times where it's just subtext they interpreted as "totally proof of this one identity" but is actually a more general "Not Het" vibe that is shared across multiple identities]" crowd have a meltdown realizing that they either need to abandon all their shipping outside of those specific ships in order to avoid being hypocrites or that they can accept that people can have different headcanons at times and that shipping doesn't have to respect the source material.
(For the record, as a creator I wouldn't actually tell people they're not allowed to ship things because of canonical identities--shipping is for the fans, not the creator, and it wouldn't be my business. I just think it would be funny payback for all the aphobia that gets tossed at aspec folks over their personal headcanons from shippers who feel threatened for some reason by somebody with an aspec headcanon)
#i mean at this point I've accepted that my brain will not wrangle enough to actually#turn all these ideas and all the worldbuilding into cohesive novels so i just write blurbs and have fun with it#but if i somehow COULD i think that as an aroace-spec creator that would be the funniest move i could make#i mean like canonically speaking they wouldn't show any interest outside of the handful of characters into each other#so honestly very few of them would even have a way to show disinterest because it wouldn't be the focus or come up#i think i only have like 2 characters it would even make sense for#to have them outright say they aren't into anybody ever and never will be#BY THE WAY HAPPY ARO WEEK
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Future Game Jam Idea I want to make happen
Putting this on my Tumblr instead of just my Twitter because I never pay attention to Twitter so I forgot about this idea BUT
During my Year in Review it made me realize part of the reason why I don't interact with the community as much as I'd like is that it doesn't really feel easy to break in, in a way that feels comfortable with interacting with others. I think the rise of so many communities being so heavily focused around Discord makes it super unfriendly to some people as well (I'm in the Indie Otome Discord now, however it took since 2022 to take that step to join any type of server due to my Schizoeffective Disorder/paranoia making Discord really scary asfjdlkafjl) and it just made me think.
What if there was a game jam whose whole point was to help with the anxiety of making a game/interacting with the community? Rambling thoughts below:
Placeholder name and subtitle: The No Stakes Game Jam (The jam to help you find friends and community)
One of the things I learned through doing three game jams last year, is that it's so much less daunting to comment on a game when it's expected of me vs commenting on a game when it isn't. It's so silly I know, as a game dev I love when people comment idc if I know them or not. But I think since I'm /also/ a developer it makes me overthinking it really bad. But you know. Life hack: you can't overthink commenting when it's expected of you-
Like there could be a requirement of like "You have to comment on at least one other game or else your entry will be removed" or something, and then there could be like a Bingo card with extra challenges if participants wanted to.
I was also thinking of using the discussion board to share resources to manage anxiety/mental health (since game jams can be stressful even for people who don't struggle with the community/socializing part) as well as posting maybe a check in or two throughout the jam depending on how long I run it.
There could also be two version of it:
Non-ranked for those that just want to try engaging more with other game devs and
And a ranked version specifically made for those anxious about critiques/reviews/etc both in giving and receiving and would have posts and resources to help manage anxiety around the topic, as well as general advice on how to learn to critique and how to manage getting feedback as well
The Non ranked version would happen first so that way people could transition from there to the ranked version after (obviously people can just do one or the other).
Anyway, this is just coming from someone with severe paranoia around internet spaces and is trying to think of ways to make it easier for others. If you've read through all this, thank you! And if you like the idea/have thoughts feel free to add on or share! I actually really want to make this happen at some point if I'm able to!
#game jam#indie games#game development#visual novel#idk this might be a weird idea since it's a little less about the game and more about forming a community around making a game#in a way that might be easier for people but there will still be a bit of focus on just the nerves of making a game as well#and it should hopefully feel super beginner friendly#like I remember posting my first game I wanted to perish asfljkda#and sometimes Determination or something isn't enough to beat the Mental Illness ya know?#anyways I'm rambling thanks for tuning in#also the indie otome discord is great my brain is just on fire#very much a me problem
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I am being consumed by an all encompassing desire to create a visual novel with a unique aesthetic approach.... like I dont have any ideas for a vn yet but I really badly want to explore some alternative ideas for visuals in a vn game....like what about heavily stylized 3D ? like im not talking disney smooth stylized 3D, Im talking pixel 3D, cartoon 3D, ghibli 3D, 3D that looks painted- and through that, how much more variety could we get in poses and sprites so to speak? what about cgs where the mc actually sees some customization on their avatar bc 3D lets us achieve this with more variety and potential add ons in future ?
idk these thoughts cross my mind a lot lately and maybe I don't need a vn idea to play around with this concept but id love to figure this out as a 3D and 2D artist who loves the vn genre so so much. I just want to see it grow into something amazing, bc while I love 2D and it has its place in the medium for sure theres this part of me that is just ITCHING to find out what the possibilities could be if we expanded our aesthetic toolbox just a little more beyond that scope.
#yuehua rambles#vn#visual novel#I am just a big nerd for vns#i may not have the skillset to write one#but oh god my brain is exploding at ideas for how to reinvent the visual way we represent them#I wish I had a vn to work on#but for now ill do something super cheesy and drafty so i can focus on experimenting with visuals
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SaifahName post-canon fanfiction thoughts. As much as I want them to get together in the show, I feel like I could write such a great get together fanfic for them...
#I have like 2 very big storylines going on and idk which one I like more#And I have NO ONE to talk to about them please#If anyone is just as crazy as me and if they read/don't mind novel spoilers please allow me to talk your year off about my ideas#I need to focus on one of them#saifahname#dangerous romance#dangerous romance the series
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not to be annoying or anything but i think i might have to realize that i simply can’t write a book, i lack the skills to do what i wanna do both linguistically and from a storytelling pov, i could write a somewhat basic story that’s been done a million times but it’s not what i wanna do and i’d consider it a waste of time, maybe it’s easier to just stick to fic writing (which i’m actually good at) but also not being able to write a book makes me resent writing fics too because i’d like to make money from writing books but i can’t if i just write fics and argh!!!!!!!!
#i wish my ambitions and my skills would match :(#if i don't have pressure to write something i'm not gonna do any writing#if i put pressure on myself it's not a hobby (what fic writing should be)#i just wish i could do what i do with fics with my novel (write something good)#the issue is i neither care about the story nor the characters and i don't care about any other idea that i have#what i care about is the javi g gentleman thief story but if i focus my attemtion on that i'm never gonna make money from my novels
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Had a class on transmedia and unfortunately I am now thinking about them again (my ocs...the enterprise of evil)
#ramblings of a lunatic#god i had good ideas and even the scripts re-reading them r still good and funny#they just needed streamlining and focus...#also i needed to shit or get off the pot in terms of medium#honestly? i think they'd work really well as comics/graphic novels (or webcomics but those aren't as popular today)#with like a website or something with some supplementary things to cover stuff like character backstories that don't fit/bloat the plot#oughh my meow meows. i miss them#it makes me sad that i never had a centralized notebook or word doc for all their lore bc so much has been lost to the sands of time-#-in just a few short years#not to mention my last ipad w/ 4-5 yrs of drawings (including the earliest enterprise ones) being nuked#at least i got an 81 on that assignment 😭
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have decided i really wanna work my various mental illnesses into a fantasy work at some point. i've got some ideas regarding interpersonal conflict and dissociation along with some old magic system world building i did a few years back. time to brainrot methinks
#writeblr#writing community#wip idea#i am the host of a system so i really wanna work that into something at some point#there are so few novels that include mental illness without it being either the focus or incredibly ableist#i just want some kinda fun rep at some point#also i wanna write a character with did that is just absolutely idiotic bc that is how me and all my system friends are
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Thinking about starting a new hobby at 1:30am is the Devil talking and they’re so right
#🎃 Cryptid sighting#Technically incorrect since it’s an old abandoned hobby AND I’ve been thinking about getting back into making art dolls for a little while#But I’m getting NEW ideas and the siren song of trying something novel is especially loud tonight#No motivation for working on my cosplays or painting or any of my other bazillion WIPs but what if art dolls fix me#Also pretty sure that devil’s name is ADHD 🤔#I wonder if any of my polymer clay has survived the last 2 air-conditionless summers in the oven that is my apartment#If not it might give me the excuse to finally invest in a block of Cosclay when I get paid next#Work steamrolled me and I’m only now able to focus on anything & of course the focus is on a new project I don’t have time or energy for
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Horrified to say I may just try an experimental writing style for me and see how it fucking goes
But I really hate rewriting in a different way later ;-;
But I also just. Really want these scenes written down, physically existing instead of just in my brain. However they come written out, at least they'd BE WRITTEN
#rant#writing#;-; my brain is torn between 3 writing style choices right now#1 my usual one. which is mostly like scenes from a movie but the narrator character close perspective pov#will sort of guide the story in what is getting focus. so it holds your hand a bit#by communicating for example 'this story is about X that happened/my connection to my loved one/how i met them/how i changed into X'#each chapter. which helps each segment of story feel like a complete mini-self contained story. its satisfying#because u get an intro journey and conclusion which are connectsd each chapter.#the downside? i have to focus on a particular arc singularly in one chapter#and i cant jump around to multiple. i also cant pick as broad a scene choice. i have to omit more#in attempt to remain more focused on only what relates to that chapters 'main thread' its telling#and i dont want that cohesion this time tbh. i want novel length cohesion but#i want individual scenes to be more disjointed separate moments you the Reader determine how are connected#i dont want to spoonfeed the reader WHY theyre connected. i think disjointed will first help#me write SHORTER scenes of show instead of tell. and second it will allow#yhe story to read as one bigger whole in a wider cast way which i want.#2 i like the idea of a Telling a Fairytale style. because i remember the whole story in my head this way lol. byt downside? it reads like a#history book or myth. and i know ppl generally dont enjoy modern fiction written this way.#3 the previously mentioned disjointed way. individual scenes and the emotions in them. then skip to the next scene. like my usual#writing style but with less effort put in to connect the scenes through a narrator guiding the reader.#with much less content of the narrator explaining the point of the scenes. again i think this stylw#would let me first write MORE scenes since scenes will be shorter word counts#and second i think the curtness and separation of individual scenes will help me focus on a larger cast#qhereas with my usual writing style i have to mainly stay in the pov of only 1-3 characters#as the story is more heavily guided/leaned into one characters pov
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So like. My literature notes just got interrupted because i had a new wip idea. Which is so funny to me personally bc you'll be reading notes on the specific genre that brought that divine inspiration on me, and in the margins OC name possibilities and titles to (re)read as my "models" and then right back to literature notes
#TWO HOUR lecture without any pauses and in the middle of it i get a wip idea#and it made me go so momentarily insane i almost just got up and left the hall because i HAVE TO FUCKING#I HAVE TO EXPAND ON IT RIGHT NOW#but i have a bunch of hw . i couldn't focus on the lecture anymore tho bc i kept thinking ab the idea so i did a lot of that grammar hw at#least but i uh. missed a lot ab novels which sucks bc for one i have an exam on this#for another I WRITE NOVELS I KINDA SHOULD KNOW AB THIS#but oh wrll . anyway#these are gonna be my first OCs with american names btw i'll tell you all more ab it later#probably on the writeblr tho#i'm gonnq finish my work for tonight and make the writeblr sideblog#and tomorrow i'll design my main character#or today depending on how much time i'll have#I HAVE 5 MIDTERMS NEXT WEEK. INSPIRATION DOESN'T CHOOSE IG#i have to read a lot. i'll tell you my models so far#i have to reread don quijote and madame bovary and then i'm reading coleen hoover and as many booktok romances as i can#wink wink
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Having to actually outline now, as a former hardcore pantser....I hate to admit that it helps. It makes my first draft SO MUCH stronger but by god does it also tucker my brain out.
#ramblings#author stuff#I have an idea for a haunted house novel ala the shining and the conjuring#and its going to be my next focus once IFTE edits are done#but now I'm exhausted and still having to do math homework
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I'm completely reworking "Not of This World" - characters (a lot of characters like Watina will still be in it, but the MCs are getting a revamp/I'm changing entirely who/what the MC is), the world itself (I'm actually visualizing the world before tossing characters into it), the magic system, hell even the format I was gonna write this!!
Speaking of, if anyone has any hypertext and/or "choose your own adventure" style stories, PLEASE tell me about them! Would love to read and learn about these genres more since... well... that's the path I've realized is most fitting for this story 😅
Anywho! Here's a glimpse into my current brain dump (Collanote my beloved i didn't realize how good you were for this <3)
#no joke my brain has latched onto NOTW and specifically figuring out how to change the format i was writing it#i initially thought about some sort of visual novel. and it could work like that!! but also that takes programming and WAY more#consistent artistic work that i cannot commit to or can afford someone else to do#then i thought graphic novel/print visual novel but tossed that idea#then discovered/started looking into cyoa and hypertext/interactive fiction#and thought: thats it. thats what i wanna do#depending on how intermediate fiction goes i will probably focus on this project ^^#amber's shit you can ignore
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Shall we talk about Arthur
A military man that got a hit off some 220 current
He weighed his words before the next line. Ah, an untrained eye would never know he wanted to say it with a little grace. I allowed for it.
He said it was the best two weeks of lovemaking he ever had. Now, I flinched at that phrasing. I kinda despise when men say they made love. They don't.
But, this is an old hand so I ignored it.
I asked why he didn't tap himself again with a big shock. His explanation was that he thought it almost killed him the first time
*yanno reaches hand up*
I was down and needed help he said.
#grand mason#ma grandson#love ma king#*shrugs* it's Arthur yanno#I Know his Spiirt is like right there#leave the boy alone daughter he's fine#pats my leg to stay put#me: yeah good idea#good time for a reading lession hmm#he didn't like me seeing him in the nursing homes...the irony is hilarious#Grandpa was the first bird that died on me I was expecting it#I just didn't know what it meant#I wanna be like you better be careful rushing one of your women to hurry up and get married#that was bad advice Arthur#as far as his granddaughter...#it falls down to me to handle that I guess#so many crossing riffs around Arthur#and it is odd to me because Johnny must have been his son#but it was me that he picked out#curious their lives to bring our relationship into focus for Arthur#I am like how big are the doors here and he is like that road at the end of the field says it's about 360#well twins that make twins how novel.....how could have been us if you hadn't waited so long#ah but we will kinda have a twin set embedded in ours +C#I wonder who they end up with yanno#each other us my guess#and there is something lovely about his spirit because it doesnt annoy me like the rest#his words annoyed me but strange the irritation that can bring back a memory#I was like I haven't been this mad at an old man since .... since....Arthur used to say the exact same thing to me#and my spire kinda just kinda went hold up a second nigga what did you just say#He must have been watching cooper from the day he started there I bet though
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