#and focus on getting my life together
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marble-needs-therapy · 2 years ago
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So I heard the term 'hypochondriac' thrown around throughout my life but never actually knew what it meant so I googled it and um
Obviously i'm not going to try to diagnose myself with anything after doing like 5 minutes of reading but.
Is it not normal to go to sleep kinda half expecting to just die? Like if your body is Doing Something you don't automatically assume you have stomach cancer or are having a heart attack or stroke or something??? I just attributed this to having mild paranoia bc as a kid I was so used to all my alarm bells going off literally always that I just figured I'd be dead by 25
I have! To go think about stuff!!!!!
Actually that's a lie I'm going to just keep assuming I'm dying until it's true eventually
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lala-blahblah · 4 months ago
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I will never make this because it would be for an audience of one (me) but ever since reading "If we Were Villains" (story about serious drama kids in college who perform shakespeare and deal with a murder) I have been entertaining the thought of a crack fic crossover with High School Musical The Musical The Series where the staff decides they will no longer put on shakespeare after the tragic accident that happened at Thanksgiving, because Shakespeare plays would only increase the tension and drama. So they hire Ms. Jen who decides their spring play will actually be High School Musical (which exists in the 90s in this universe) and it ruins the vibe so much that everyone gives up on being dark and mysterious because they're universally pissed at Ms Jen for making them learn choreoraphed basketball dancing.
#if we were villains is actually genuinely good and has actual literary worth and pulls from shakespeare in an intelligent meaningful way#but unfortunately all i can do is comedy so this is the only fan content i have to offer :(#THE THING IS iwwv is just hsmtmts if it hsmtmts was good and also they committed crimes#they utilize the same parallel of casting choices with real life drama which I love#umm so casting: Meredith would be Sharpay Obvi. I think it would be really funny if James was cast as Ryan bc they hate eachother and would#have to pretend to be siblings working together. And I think ashley tisdale and Lucas Gabreel actually didn't get along when filming#also i love the thought of Ms Jen looking at James and going “i know what you are”#HOWEVER it would be more interesting if james was Chad to Oliver's Troy (which is really just reversing their Romeo and Juliet moment)#bc chad is like nooo don't do theater... stick with me and do basketball... but it would be Coded Subtextually#Unfortunately Wren would be typecast as Gabriella and I don't think that would cause drama bc I don't believe James actually liked her!#I think it was comp het bc she was very sweet and nonthreatening as opposed to Meredith's big flirting energy so she would be a “safe” crus#lets lean into that actually. this gives Wren a chance to have a personality (bc I enjoy this book but it is not good at fleshing out women#So oliver and Wren spend more time together and kind of talk about James a little and Wren is like yeah James is very sweet#and I like him but it feels so hard to get him to feel comfortable with me... i guess he's just closed off and doesn't talk much#we also get to see more of her personality and interests maybe she's like I relate to gabriella because I also like to Read :) feminism#and oliver is like Hmm That Is Not My Experience With Him perhaps our bond is deeper and James does like me Hm#And then Meredith can flirt with him as Sharpay and James gets pissed and in character gets very intense about how Troy can't join THEATER#that's why he's upset and sad bc sharpay represents theater and only that reason and nothing else and he isn't in love with oliver At All#Alexander can be Ryan now since James is Chad (and he's also Gay) and Filippa can be Kenzie bc they're both queer coded#Anyway at rehearsal one day Meredith and James and Oliver are having their fighting over troy moment and then Meredith stops and is like#wait guys. This musical is so freaking stupid. why are we even doing this#and their mutual frustration at their art being turned into a farce is enough to bond them together and they're like#we need to focus on our REAL enemy: ms Jen#and then they hatch a scheme and it's probably like. They dump a bucket of fake blood on her at opening night a la carrie#and then put on their own rebellious production... it still has to be a musical because i like musicals#families with children are in the audience and they're like OK FOLKS! HERE'S ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!#if we were villains#iwwv#hsmtmts#high school musical the musical the series
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waywardstation · 5 months ago
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Almost back home!!! I’ve been away for two weeks and I haven’t had good internet connection. Looking forward to getting back home.
I’ve been quiet cause of it, so how about a shop/merch update!! The products from my shop have already gone through a round of proofs this last week after I placed the order (as some files had gotten mixed up). I’m hoping the products finish their manufacturing and are shipped to me within this next week or so!
I’ve ordered extras of everything to put up in the shop as “in stock” after I send out my preorders, also ordered a few items as samples. They had a higher MOQ (minimum order quantity) so if they turn out well, I’d like to do a giveaway with some of them!
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everysongineverykey · 5 months ago
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read a screen rant article that argued that future knives out movies should feature recurring characters to "flesh out blanc's character" and "make him a more interesting lead" and that "all detectives need a team"........ what if i killed you lol
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buddiesmutslut · 8 months ago
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I’m being so ffr rn, if the show runners definitively show that Buddie is not going to happen?
I’m probably not going to be watching anymore.
I mean it when I say that they’re literally the sole reason I watched this show in the first place. I saw a billion TikTok edits of them & was like “Idek these characters I need to watch this show and see what’s going on over there.”
And like, it’s a fun show, I’m not saying it isn’t, but first responder shows are a dime a dozen. There are other shows that have queer characters and found family and wild adventures. Granted, they don’t have Buck & his bi arc, but I’d still read fanfics to get my Evan Buckley fix lol.
I don’t need them right now, I’m so down for the slow burn, will-they-won’t-they & the pining & the yearning & the build up and the GOOD foundation. I want to see Eddie figuring himself out and dealing with his repression and figuring out he’s queer (& Demi, pls God. I hope if I just say it enough, I can will it into existence somehow) before anything happens with the two of them, but if they take definitive steps to have one of them like, marry someone else or something, I think I’m gonna head out. Find me on ao3 for the rest of my days lol.
#911 abc#buddie#demisexual eddie diaz#also pls don’t come at me with “you don’t care about bi representation”. he’s already bi#he’s always been bi & I’ve loved watching him on this journey#but his & Eddie’s relationship is literally the only reason I started this show in the first place#and again if they find good LI’s & bring them more into focus#the time spent on the Buddie relationship will decrease. that’s just how tv & time limits work#and if my favorite relationship on the show goes away then why would I continue watching it religiously?#also I know I’m a bitch & would therefore hate any person they brought in to be the HEA for them & that’s not fun for anyone#not that I would bully the actor/actress bc im not an ASSHOLE#eddie diaz#evan buckley#I literally watched Booth & Bones take like 9 seasons to get together I am IN IT with a slow burn#unless they do what they did last season & shoehorn 2 LI’s in at the last second on the last episode then I guess I wouldn’t have a choice#Tim would’ve pulled a fast one on me#also I will watch literally anything else Oliver Stark is in SNOOKUMS I love you so much. come home the kids miss you 😂#& probably Lou also bc he’s so freaking cute irl I wanna die#with his curly hair and his silly faces and his muscles and his wanting to be held in the dark#LOU BABY ILL HOLD YOU IF THE POWER GOES OUT#I have spent too much of my life & time & energy to get 0 payout and it’s honestly unsustainable but that’s a whole different problem
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best-enemies · 9 months ago
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I've reached season 5 on my CSI rewatch and I'm a few episodes past "Swap Meet", where a woman is murdered after attending a swing party with other couples from the neighbourhood. Near the end of the episode there's a moment that made me jump from my seat:
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two cups. He hands her a cup of tea.)
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]
Erin Brady: Everybody fantasizes about other people. (She glances at Grissom.)
Even you, Mr. Grissom. A neighbor, a friend ... girl at the office.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]
(The door opens. Paul Brady walks out of the hallway. Erin Brady walks out into the hallway. Sara is sitting in the hallway chair watching them. She watches as they meet and kiss.)
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two culps. He hands her a cup of tea.)
LIKE!!!!!!!
Right after Erin ends her sentence with 'girl at the office', the first time Sara and Grissom meet again, he brings her tea. This might be an innocent interaction but to me it seemed like a nod to this relationship they have where both are into each other, know about the other's feelings, but can't/won't do anything about it (although Sara has kind of given Grissom an ultimatum). I don't know if it was intentional - I'm guessing it is, because I picked it up immediately. I might or might not have squealed in delight.
#csi#gsr#i'm very Normal about them btw i don't think about them 50 times per day or anything#need to talk more about these two here#because im obsessed about them in a Normal way#sara is like. my dream wife. i totally get grissom being in love with her for years and barely holding it together#i would not though#i'm 1000% sure she's bi. but the writers have been cowards so far#also she and i dress THE SAME. yes i love 2000s clothes so what#i could talk about her forever she's everything to me#and grissom. oh grissom. i also get why she's been in love with him forever#i mean what the FUCK went down in san francisco did they hook up and sex was so good it scared them#and now they have to live with that tension and they're scared of crossing that line#nah i'm guessing with these two they just REALLY clicked. like. they were an instant match and they knew it#but grissom didnt want to lose focus on work or whatever and they lived in separate states you know#but oh my god i totally get sara. grissom is such a silver fox. he's like one of the hottest old men i've ever seen in my life#you know what i 100% get tumblr sexualizing old men it's completely valid i'm in this now too#he has this LOOK. whenever he's angry at a suspect. and he looks angrily at them. i'm chewing on my keyboard just remembering it#and his smirks#AND THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SARA#im losing my mind#i love all of gil grissom but seasons 4-5 jesus fucking christ#ok enough with the sexualizing i love him as a character SO MUCH. he's absolutely fantastic#one of the things i love the most about him is that he doesn't judge people. whenever the team is confused about someone#or this persons' lifestyle#he's always trying to understand them and not judge them#like a true scientist he wants to understand the nature of things and people#and he's such a sweetheart i love him so much#like there are so many things i love about him i can't fit them all in the tags. same for sara#they're a perfect match for me
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mondscheinprinzessin · 3 months ago
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Goddamn this year sucks so hard.
It feels like every month there is another big thing. You think life has finally regulated itself into a normal rhythm? Wrong! TAKE THIS! I can't even recover before another decision has to be made, another heartbreak is around the corner, another situation has to be dealt with that leaves you and dear people in tears.
I had so many plans and ideas for fics, I was so exited to write, I wanted to join in the shenanigans in the fandom, talk to you guys...
Theres.No.Energy.
☔ (this is how I feel, rain constantly pouring down on me)
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frobby · 6 months ago
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i love madoka magica however i dont think we as a fandom talk enough about how tragic madoka herself is. probably because the narrative itself steers you away from thinking about her personally. shes not a character shes a desire that homura has, shes a force of good, shes homura's foil. but those are all madoka's narrative roles but madoka herself as a person is not really looked at because we are viewing this world from an unreliable narrator(homura) who only sees madoka as those things. The best thing homura could have done for madoka was give up on her, to let her go. because every time we go back in time the image of madoka is distorted, she loses more of herself every regression of homura's as she tries harder and harder to save her. We don't even know what madoka originally wished for to become a magical girl in the original timeline. and she actually acts quite differently than the madoka we meet. shes a lot more honest and caring and bold. by the time homura's has reached the actual anime madoka has been reduced by the sands of time to a figment of herself. she has no wants or desires of her own beyond wanting to do good and help her friends and when all her humanity is stripped away is when she finally acends to godhood because thats all thats left of her. an ideal and a faith in her. madoka kaname died a long time ago and all that is left is her ghost.
#of course homura doesnt care anymore because she cant go back she can only go forward cuz if she gives up she killed madoka for nothing#she could have left her pass away with dignity but now shes a ghost stuck in a web of time and the only thing she can do is keep trying#to save her#i feel like inately homura knows this but she doesnt want to admit to herself thats shes the real one who killed madoka kaname#this is a very charitable reading of homura#homura died too but its a clear moment because homura is our narrator#homura akemi will never come back madoka kaname will never come back#but life goes on anyway for homura#heres my truth#i loved rebellion but im actually a bigger fan of the original anime's ending so im glad it seems like red ribbon homu is coming back#i thought that ending was a lot more hopeful and beautiful and rebellion was kind of a downer but i always accepted they were parallel#and seems im right based on posters#for walpurgis#madoka uses one of my favorite literary devices which is the underuse of a character#i dont know whats it called but i love it when they dont outright develop a character usually to signal an upholding of the status quo#i already explained how madoka is not shown as a character but they do this in princess tutu too with mytho#mytho is a character from a book hes not real in the way that the others are and therefore cant actually change like the others can#hes always the focus of others and never the one thinking of others#i mean yeah he spends like the whole anime thinking about tutu but thats PART of his book its not him as a person#anyway ive been talking too much but i wanna bring up my favorite subtle use of this in takopi's original sin#the boy#idk his name rn lmao#hes straight up not present for the bulk of the manga and hes legit just absent from the ending scene despite being one point of a triangle#at first that weirded me out like??? he doesnt get closure???#but the reason was he didnt need it#the focus and moral is that those girls were 'weird' unable to be normal (because of trauma) and their closure was theyre at least together#but he doesnt need that because hes already normal hes the status quo a benchmark for the reader for the reader to judge the characters off#and the characters to judge eachother off of#anyway anyway sorry this has been so long#i had to get all of that out of me
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redeemed-wren · 7 months ago
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Is there any point in praying and hoping for good things when they haven't been promised in this life?
Is it not better to focus on trusting God and being content in the mediocrity than to pray for something that won't be given and become bitter about it?
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lunar-wandering · 5 months ago
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head hurty
#was up so fucking late last night stressed out of my mind#cause it turns out all the stress and sacrifices i made for the foundational course i took??#all for fucking nothing#''the waitlist hasn't moved.'' yeah cause y'all brought in way more foundations students#than u actually had the diploma course space for#and like. theres nothing else i can fucking do.#if i try to get into a university i'd have to do something like a foundations course all over again#and have to do a bunch of shit i have no interest/talent in in order to get to the stuff i DO have interest/talent in#which is just fucking stupid. why the fuck is it set up like that.#if i'm trying to get into a uni creative writing course why the FUCK do i need to take SCIENCE#and i can't do online courses that are just writing. cause i can't fucking FOCUS in an online course#and any other course i might be interested in are in schools that are too damn far away and that i cant afford#so basically. i can do fucking nothing.#but once i tell my parents that the waitlist hasn't moved and that im definitely not gonna make it in#they're going to start HOUNDING me. even more than they already constantly do#im gonna have to sit through 3 hours of them yelling at me to ''stop pretending to be an idiot'#and to ''pull my life together''#and that ''everyone has to do stuff they don't like sometimes''#(yeah well my brain doesn't work like that. if i dont like the subject of the course i literally CAN'T LEARN)#(i will just straight up not retain any of the information and just be annoyed and stressed and upset the whole time)#and my parents will tell me im gonna end up living under a bridge for the thousandth time#and then they'll threaten to kick me out of the house/take away my internet for the millionth time#and then this will happen every day until i get into SOMETHING
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tittyinfinity · 1 year ago
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My neurodivergencies and mental illnesses overlap so much that you could diagnose me with about anything at this point
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crowrelli · 7 months ago
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#vent post#tw vent#my mom: it’s okay you’re homeless u can come here and have a gentle landing and we can work together to get u and ur fiancé back on ur feet#me: okay great now I can work off my huge overdue queue that I was having panic attacks about daily-#mom: actually fuck u ur a disgrace I need you to clean my whole house every single day and I’m going to knock on ur door every 20 minutes#and disturb ur focus (ik u have adhd it’s stupid just get over it) also ur whole family knows how much of a failure u are and are going to#scream at you on the phone about how you’re not doing anything despite the fact you’ve helped out every time I’ve asked and THEN SOME to#the point of eye exhaustion and shivers and mental breakdowns and then I’m going to forget it ever happened and make you do MORE chores and#yell at u if you say u need to focus again#me: …….. so this is the gentle landing huh?#I’m so fucking exhausted#they keep saying my art doesn’t make money and isn’t a career LITERALLY IT IS HOW DO U THINK I PAID FOR FOOD AND RENT FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS#they keep calling it my ‘little art thing’ and insisting I get a real job WHEN I HAVE ACTUAL PAID COMMISSIONS I HAVE TO WORK ON#I can’t just ignore these and fuck off to answer phones or stock shelves at your friends friends aunts car dealers place fuck OFFFFFF#like being homeless with 4 cats and 6 boxes of belongings isn’t hard enough I have to be fucking berated by people who haven’t tried talking#to me IN MY LIFE EVERRRRRR#fuck off
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clits-and-clips · 8 months ago
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I know I had to go through this and learn how to be alone and self sufficient but the one thing that's really keeping me going is the thought of us circling back to be with eachother again and idk if it's going to be bad or good at the end of this tunnel
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clown-femme · 10 months ago
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I kind of resent when other adhd people talk about hyperfocus only because I'm jealous that I don't do that. I WISH I could zero in and stay focused on one task at a time. Can you imagine. I can't even do that with things I like.
That said I am also annoyed when people misuse the term hyperfocus to just mean 'the thing I'm into right now' but that is Beside the point
#i think my Heavy depression makes it hard for me to get the brain chemical response needed for the adhd brain employees to go 'mm yummy'#'more of this please' and make me lock into focus#i think there is a factory between my ears and there are two departments that are at odds#and one is my depression and the other is the adhd#and the depression has halted production of dopamine. it cut funding on serotonin and dopamine because of my life's conga line of misfortune#and the adhd side is like. goddamn we need some dopamine bad. we are going to try to do everything at once to get some. 87 tabs.#14 rps going on at once. three songs stuck in head. click teeth together too.#we are NOT touching a single thing that doesnt help the dopamine machine make more dopamine for us so cut all other activities. work??? well#work is hard. actually most things are hard. and they take too many steps. now i know things like our hobbies Might produce dopamine but#well its not fast enough. and also tooooo many steps. everything too many steps.#sit on couch and 87 tabs just enough steps.#this has to be the case until we can get enough dopamine from anything at all to want to linger on an activity#and then back to depression#where its like. see?? look. we dont do anything and we hate ourselves. we cant make ourselves do things that we like or dislike.#this is why we cant have dopamine or serotonin.#and then i am left on the outside unable to focus on my work or my writing or even on fun things like rp#sorry for wall of tags
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softpine · 2 years ago
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hacker voice we’re in
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ask-artsy-oncie · 3 months ago
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I wish I was not an unintelligent manchild.
#Vent#I wish I had interests that were properly 'adult'#I wish I didn't like being surrounded by toys and trinkets and games and comics.#I wish my room looked like how you'd expect an adult's room to look#I wish my art was refined. I wish I worked in mediums that were considered respectable to the average person.#I wish I could read. I mean like I really wish I could focus and read a book above a high school reading level. And properly disect it.#I wish I dressed properly. Plainly.#I wish I could feel comfortable surrounded by muted colors.#I wish I didn't enjoy obnoxious music.#I wish I didn't cling to things that reminded me of my childhood.#I wish I could be just like a normal adult office worker who was able to socialize properly and went to the gym#And then would go home and cook myself dinner and read and then go to sleep.#And I would still be miserable. I'd still be undesirable. But at least I'd be normal. I'd probably hate myself less. I'd be more respectabl#Why didn't I ever grow up. Why. What's wrong with me.#Why did I get a weird job. Why do I want weird things. Why am I weird.#Maybe if I was normal I could make fun of adults who have weird interests and get rid of the awful fucking pit in my stomach#Maybe I'd be marginally less miserable because at least my life is put together and at least I'm normal.#And I wouldn't have to waste time and money and energy doing weird things like going to conventions#(I was going to add to that but I rarely leave the house as is)#Instead I would just talk at the water cooler and otherwise think insightfully and deeply. Be a proper philosopher or something.#And with a better more normal job I'd have the money to be a philanthropist too#And I wouldn't bother anyone#And I DEFINITELY wouldn't be FLAPPING MY FUCKING HANDS WHEN I GET EXCITED#OR SINGING UNDER MY BREATH RANDOMLY WITHOUT REALIZING IT#OR BITING MY NAILS OR TAPPING MY FINGERS OR LISTENING TO MUSIC SO LOUD I CAN FEEL IT IN MY CHEST#I WOULDNT BE BOUNCING MY FUCKING LEG#I WOULD BE *FUCKING NORMAL*.
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