#or feel like im actually doing something worthwhile

[redeemed-wren]

Is there any point in praying and hoping for good things when they haven't been promised in this life?

Is it not better to focus on trusting God and being content in the mediocrity than to pray for something that won't be given and become bitter about it?

[khaosssss]

i just got called an edog what the hell man

anyways rant in tags. ignore if you like

[end-orfino]

ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it

[shaddy-bee]

Why is it all so hard.

[swampdrive]

Being actively befriended by someone after a long time of constantly being the one to put too much effort into friendships and feeling like everything is one sided and im disposable is fucking WILD MAN!

[i-am-thevoid]

love checking out of another shift where i am treated less than everyone else and have to pretend i didnt hear shit that makes me fucking uncomfortable and going home and trying not to fucking end it

[wispered-dream]

:T

'I was raised/abused by people who used their illness as an excuse to be horrific towards others and said I wasnt ALLOWED to question it (because then I'd be Obstinate, and go to hell)'

and 'then I was abused by someone who used their illness as an excuse to be horrific towards others and said I wasn't ALLOWED to question it (because then I'd be a Bigot, and everyone will hate me when I tell them)'

Sure does explain so much about me.

Turns out:

- Didn't go to Hell for being Obstinate

- Extended family laughed and high fived me for joining the 'canceled by XYZ' club

So while I am perhaps oversensitized to "abusing the good will/sympathy of others"

I see that those who do this are in the real hell.

And I've seen how it comes crashing down so so SO slowly.

Abusing the sympathy of others results in people who are wary of extending that sympathy ever again. It's a net crueler world, no matter how much you say "NO NO ONE WOULD EVER DO THAT!"

They do, people take advantage of good will/sympathy. Especially when you can exploit that sympathy for control.

People do it without realizing it too, and enabling that only makes it worse. Protecting the 'abuser'/abuser in the name of "we gotta say it never happens to immanetize the eschaton!" is its own Cruelty.

You're gonna damn each other if you put yourself in a place where people are too fearful to tell you you're being unfair. Claiming '-ism' like a YuGiOh trap card [especially to people who are victimized by that -ism, RIP] is a fantastic way to do that.

People learn to ignore the ableism accusations or treat it like a joke. And it's not JUST bigotry, as neat of a solution as it sounds. Someone comes out with a Caard of all their mental illnesses and I'm asking myself 'why' not because GRRR HATE MENTALLY ILL, but because there is still a motivation there.

'If you ask why someone would do that you're a bigot!' okay so are they trying to establish that they want special treatment or needs. I am excessively empathetic to that.

But it's not 'I forget about messages sometimes [And if you werent mentally ill it'd OBVIOUSLY be because you just dont care?*] or might infodump [on nerd websites? How dare you!*]', it's "Here's the disorder I say I have according to the description I give of it, if it's contrary to any knowledge, experience, or literature on the subject it's because you're a bigot."

Personally I just try to treat everyone assuming they COULD be ill, I find everyone could use kindness. I think that's a better model, but the neurodivergent are uniquely suffering or whatever.

"It's not that I want special treatment, I just want to be the same as everyone else gets to be" You are imagining an ideal that does not exist. Even the fabled Neurotypicals are deserving of things like Patience.

See to me it looks like you're only willing to offer those kind of things to people who will tell you their psychiatric histories. My experience with people who have done the caard thing has so regularly been such! Whereas my experience with people who have severe illness [a majority of my friends] are much more *example* or *event* focused.

[kiwifruitnumberone]

Ran Haitani Headcanons

This might be so ass since I wrote this at 1:00am💔

These are some of my favorite Ran Haitani headcanons I think about this man all day it's actually unhealthy.

Sfw and Nsfw

Warnings: Smutish??, Fluff, mentions of sex, mentions of weed kind of, oral, aftercare, mentions of stacking donuts on it. I think thats it??

Sfw

—Lovessss to cuddle with you, since he's such a heavy sleeper I feel he’d love to cuddle and just sleep with you. 

—The type to smile randomly when thinking about you, like he’d zone out and just start smiling like a weirdo. Rindou gets concerned. 

—Soooo good at comforting, I feel like because he took care of Rindou most of his life he’s probably had to comfort him a few times. 

—Many people headcanon him as someone who would cheat, but I think he would be loyal to you considering his loyalty to his brother, Izana, and Kakucho.

—Doesn’t get into many relationships so when he does he makes sure it’s something worthwhile, like a life long partner and not just a fling.

—Lovessss when you spill tea, he’s fully invested and going to take your side every time. I can fully imagine him saying

“What a bitch” at the top of his lungs when you tell him someone did you dirty. 

—Would love to get matching tattoos with you, with a significant meaning for you two. 

—Teases you constantly but knows when to stop so he doesn’t go overboard and accidentally offend you or upset you. 

—I feel like he would vape or smoke a blunt when he can’t sleep, it helps him relax. 

—Spoils you loadsss, he’ll literally give you his card to go shopping and doesn’t gaf about how much you spend. Will ask you for a fashion show later if you bought clothes. 

—Petty ASF about his hair, he’ll let you do it sometimes but if it’s not how he wants it, he’ll take it out and redo it immediately. 

—Serial Yapper, you better be a good listener. This man will talk to you for hours at a time about his day or just random shit that’s irrelevant but regardless wants you to know anyway.

—Sweet treat lover.  Has a big sweet tooth and has a dedicated time in the day just for a sweet treat. (me too)

—Like a best friend in way’s but more. He wants you and his relationship to get to a very comfortable stage, comfortable enough to tell each other everything and anything. 

—Has a joined playlist with you. 

NSFW

—NOT vanilla at all, he's down to do anything, you wanna stack donuts on it?? Go for it he does not mind. 

—Will keep going until you're overstimulated— He will push your limits.  One round. Nah. Two? Will keep going until you're shaking and can’t catch your breath properly. 

—Gives the BEST head, will have you throwing you head back, arching your back, moaning his name. Will eat you out like your the last meal on earth and he’s STARVING.

—Loves when you wear lacy shit. Will rip it off of you in SECONDS. 

—LOVES it when you pull his hair, he is so into that shit.

—He likes to be in control but if he’s feeling lazy he’ll let you take control and do whatever you want.

—Morning sex is one of his favourite things. Lazy slow thrusts while you moan his name quietly. Immediate yes.

—Soooo good at making out, the tension from the make-out sesh is sometimes better than the actual sex.

—Gentle aftercare, will clean you up, help you get changed, order food, watch shows or just cuddle. Makes sure you feel loved and appreciated afterwards.

Sorry for the ass nsfw headcanons I'm so tired and I really couldn't be bothered💔

IM FEINING FOR HIM HOLY SHIT

In my euphoria x Tokyo revengers fanfic I’m not sure whether to make it an reader x ran or reader x mikey or another character

[gatorbites-imagines]

micheal meyers fic if you still write for him? 🎃

I rlly liked your other fics with him, not a big fan of him being characterized as overly affectionate so I rlly liked your kinktober fics about him

something in a similar vein to that? smut or no smut is chill, just him being infatuated in his own creepy way

Michael Myers x male reader

Headcanons

Im happy you like my stuff :3c ive never imagined he was overly affectionate either, it just didn’t feel like it fit his character very much, ya know? No hate to the people who write that, I just like imagining him as a creepy guy, standing there… menacingly…

I think the only way you two could have met where you made a lasting impression is if you were somehow at the same asylum as him. Be it as a doctor or a patient. But I’ve never read a fic where the reader was one of the doctors, so that’s what we’re gonna go with here.

Joining up at smith’s grove sanitarium hadn’t been your first choice, since it was known as a pretty run-down place, that treated their patients more as prisoners than people. It may have been a place for the worst of the worst, but they were still people in your eyes.

You get Michaels attention by somehow wrenching his care from Dr Loomis’s hands, using all kinds of laws and loopholes to rip it from him and then running for the door pretty much. To you, what Loomis did should get him placed in jail and his license removed, as it could only have made his patients states worse.

Building a relationship with Michael is what many would call impossible. But you believed that every person had something special that fueled them, and just being treated like a worthwhile human being always seemed to do the trick.

It took months, if not years for you to really worm your way into Michael’s heart, or whatever was left of it. He hadn’t really had many positive male people in his life, something you also blamed Dr Loomis for, but over time he grew closer to you, in his own way.

To others it may seem like Michael was the same as always, but at this point you’ve worked with him so long that you know him. You can feel his attention follow you, even when you are on the other side of the yard where the patients get sunlight.

It’s no shock that you are most patients’ favorite, especially after you become head of the hospital, after a very long and stressful battle with those stuck in their old ways. It made you start cleaning house, getting rid of bad caretakers and methods to replace them with better ones.

You took it extremely seriously, and would have any so called interviewers or investigators removed from the premises, to not mess with your patients’ care.

You gain a bit of a reputation in the media at how incredibly cruel you can be to the people who wish to use and abuse your patients. Some call you crazy for protecting them, especially as everyone knows Michael Myers resides there.

But to you, it doesn’t matter. You have no spouse, no children, you haven’t talked to your family since you left home at 18, all you truly have is your job, so that is what you use your energy on.

And if a lot of that time is spent with Michael, then so be it. Having Michael actually emote or pay attention to you, is a big step in the right direction in your book. You can never get him to talk, but he does succeed in learning a couple of signs, though you suspect he only does it because he knows it makes you happy.

Later you would look back on Michael’s escape as something you blamed on yourself. Over the long time you had been his caretaker, you always made sure to be there on Halloween, since it was such an important date for him.

He never told you this, obviously, but you could tell. It just happened that you had needed surgery around that time, something you couldn’t put off as much as you wanted. If you wanted to keep caring for your patients, then you needed it done.

So, it truly shouldn’t have been such a surprise for one of your nurses to call you in a panic that Michael had somehow gotten out. Being bedbound, there wasn’t much you could do but give orders from home and watch the tv.

You didn’t technically live in Haddonfield, but you lived close enough that you could bike to town for groceries if you needed to, but also so you could drive to work without much issue.

Seeing no reports of murders outside the usual made you sigh and slump in on yourself. You had put off taking your pain medication, wanting to be clearheaded and aware, just in case you needed to be. And what else kept one clear in the head but pain.

As bedridden as you were, there wasn’t much you could do when you heard your back door open. You only knew it was that door, as it had a loud squeaky hinge you never got fixed, as it wasn’t like you used that entrance much.

Seeing Michaels looming stature shouldn’t have been a shocker either. What did amaze you to a certain, professional extent, was that he hadn’t put on his usual coveralls or mask, instead it was one you two had made together using safe materials.

There was no verbal or physical reply when you spoke to him, outside of a slight rise of tension in his shoulders when he heard you grunt in pain, as you turned to look at him.

You didn’t want to call the hospital, knowing just how volatile Michael could be. And you may have replaced many doctors and nurses, but they still feared him, all but you at least. The only thing you truly could do was speak to him, to make him stay so he didn’t go kill anyone.

Maybe it was the years of care you had given him, but Michael at some point moved closer, just staring down at you and the bandages around your stomach.

You had a feeling he wanted to poke it or maybe just unwrap it, but you had worked with him about other people’s pain tolerance. Michael still only seemed to care when it was you, but you put a lot of stuff in his notes about your professional opinion and growth.

There were worse caretakers than Michael. In all reality he wasn’t really a caretaker. A lot of it was just him standing by the door, in the corner, or right at the foot of your bed to watch you. Hed shuffle after you wherever you went in the apartment, even carrying you when you couldn’t move too much.

you had decided to heal enough to bring him back to smith’s grove when you healed enough, already knowing how violent Michael could be with other people.

To Michael though, this meant more than you meant. He wasn’t one to feel lust or much romantic attraction, but he was drawn to you and attached enough to just stay, to even bring you your pill bottles and water, like how you would to him at smith’s grove.

You theorized it made him happy, in his own way, to know he was helping in the ways he knew how. Another more paranoid part of your brain did worry about what he did when you slept, since the pain medication had that effect.

Nothing ever looked out of place, but you did catch him kneeling beside your bed on more than one occasion, just holding your hand. Or the times hed place your hand on top of his head so you would caress him.

It was inappropriate for a doctor to do such a thing with his patients, but Michael seemed calmer and more at ease when it was just you two. He couldn’t cuddle in bed with you, and neither did he seem to want to, but being held and coddle in small amounts seemingly worked for him.

Michael clearly wasn’t pleased when you took him to return to smith’s grove, but he actually came along without issue. It caused a whole media storm, but over the years you had mastered those too. As long as it helped your patients, then you would do it, to a certain extent.

And if giving Michael weekends at your place where he got to stalk you around your own property was what he needed, then so be it. you saw it as progress, in his own, weird way. Hell, Michael even started sitting and having dinner with you instead of just hovering. To you that was a win, no matter what others said.

[toutallyahoe]

━ hebrews 9:22 ,, mouthwashing

requested by: –

pairing(s): curly x male reader

word count: 1856

warnings: canon spoilers, cursing, character death(s), attempted murder, murder, deaths oh my god so many deaths help, j*mmy (ew 🤮)

a/n: yeah, im surprised it aint porn too

"Indeed, under the law almost everything is purified with blood..."

Pained laboured breaths left what was once a hopeful man's lips. Well, hopeful was far from what he had become over the years, crippled by the trials and tribulations of what life had put onto him— yet he persevered despite the doubts that ate him whole. Curly persevered despite it all...

But does he still want that?

Laying in the Medical Room's bed without any control of his own body— burnt body— without feeling any sort of pain that he wished he would just die was difficult. Even breathing was difficult but he was forced to do so. Forced to endure. But Curly wanted to die. More than he had wished in the past... but he can't. Forced to lay in bed, feeling helpless as he watched his crew... his friends... descend into madness.

If he could cry, Curly would. The pain of his entire body doesn't hurt as much as the pain and guilt in his chest. Well, Curly thinks so. He doesn't know if the pain in his chest is the guilt of eating him or just the normal pain of being burnt alive to the point his skin is gone. But Curly still felt sick and hopeless. So despaired by it all. Because despite being forced to lay in bed and watch helplessly as everyone descended into madness, Curly knew it was his fault. And it eats him up.

Anya had already said her good bye after she locked herself in the Medical Room with him. Saying how despite everything he had done (or lack there of), she forgave him. Curly tried to talk, to reach out but all it came was garbled mess of croaks and pained wheezes as his throat hurts from the pain. Curly had to watch helplessly as she finally decided to escape the nightmare that came to the Tuplar crew of the Pony Express... to them.

The pain in his chest worsened as Curly could hear a pained screaming echoing throughout the room and it took a second for him to realize who the screamer was. But once Curly realized, his heart dropped as he wanted to cry more. Daisuke showed up in his peripheral vision, looking worse for wear since he had last seen the younger man. Curly wants to cry harder seeing Daisuke all bloodied and hurt, with so many cuts and gashes as Curly realized that in order for Daisuke to come inside the Medical Room despite Anya locking it, it was through the vents that were connected to the Utility Room. The same vents Curly knew was dangerous... fuck.

Curly had believed in the past he was a good captain. The crew in Tuplar sang his praises after all to the point Jimmy always mentions how annoying it was. Curly would have brushed it off like all the times but he knew deep inside he did feel a sense of fulfillment to be called that. A good captain. Because it made him feel like he was actually doing something worthwhile with his life.

But he doesn't believe that anymore.

How can he? Failing Anya despite the trust she placed on him to confess what his friend— what Jimmy had done to her? Where did she have to take things in her own hands? Failing Daisuke from Jimmy's manipulation that the poor young man is now crying from the pain of his injuries as well as he was screaming at Anya to wake up? Failing Swansea where he had to watch the older man lose himself to the little bits of alcohol in the Dragon's Breath mouthwash they were delivering? And worst yet... failing you as he watches the happy man descend into despair along with the crew.

Curly felt useless as he laid there motionless and despaired in bed. He can hear Swansea cursing out as he and Jimmy dragging out Daisuke who was moaning and groaning in pain. He didn't hear Anya anymore... will never hear her voice ever again.

It all was a blur. Time passed by so quickly... not that Curly knows how long it had been. The pain made it hard to focus on his surroundings but he saw someone standing in front of the medical bed. Curly let out a pained croak when he saw it was you. The one who used to be a picture image of a calm and collected crew member of his who had bright eyes that looked at him with love and respect looked frantic yet oh so tired as your dull eyes are red and puffy from crying, tear stains on your sunken cheeks. Lips quivering as you looked down at Curly. There was panic and mania in your eyes. Curly dreaded it.

"Let's rest now," You said, your tone shaky and raspy. You bite your bottom lip to stop your lips from quivering until you tasted blood that grounded you a little bit. "We can rest now, right?" You asked as tears brimmed your vision on what you were about to do. You looked at Curly and gave a smile. A smile that Curly knew was far from genuine. It didn't reach your eyes. Not the same sweet smile you would send him when you two would wake up early in the morning, in bed together. Far from the one Curly is used too. It looks despaired, haunting...

Curly tried to talk, to reach out. But just like Anya, he failed. Like he always does.

"!!!"

Curly wanted to cry when he felt your hands wrapped around his throat. He wheezes in pain as his body thrashes automatically when you squeezed. It hurts! It hurts— but let him die! There were salty tears falling down his bandaged cheek, stinging him as he could see you finally breakdown. Losing it all.

"We can go together! Everyone is gone so let's go together like you said!" You said as a deranged laugh left your lips. "Aren't we in this together, captain? We can rest!" You put more pressure down Curly's throat.

"Please, just stop suffering already!" You wailed as your entire body was shaking. You desperately tried to tune out Curly's pained noises and thrashing as you sobbed. You didn't want to do this— but you had too. No one else was going to put Curly out of his misery. No one is giving your poor captain mercy.

Anya already died, her rotting corpse was beside you, slumped over the floor. Daisuke had his head split open by an axe by Swansea. You were there to witness Swansea put down the young man. You already knew Swansea was dead somewhere around the ship. Especially when you had heard two loud gun shots rang out eerily inside the Tulpar— Jimmy was fucking insane! You knew that oh too well as you watched that monster descend to madness.

You knew you only had so little time to do what you needed to do. To finally put Curly out of his misery because you knew Jimmy wouldn't. You can accept whatever responsibility is left when Curly is gone. Whether Jimmy kills you with a gun or you having time to get the axe and kill Jimmy yourself... it'll be fine as long as you take Curly out of his misery first. Because Curly deserves it.

"Please wait for me," You cried as you looked at Curly through your tears. "I'll be close behind, okay?" You say as you smiled. The blood from your bruised bottom lip stuck to your teeth as you smiled. You look deranged but Curly could only admire you. He wanted this. He wanted to die— to have the suffering end already. Curly just wished it didn't have to be you to put him down knowing how much you loved him.

"I love you," Curly heard you sobbed as black spots formed in his vision. Curly already had trouble breathing after the crash but he can barely gasp for air, not with your hands on his throat, trying so hard to kill him. Slowly, Curly's body stopped thrashing, too weak as the black spots continued on to fill his vision. He can barely see your broken face now.

He was going to die. Curly was going to die... and that's fine.

Curly just hoped you won't suffer painfully before you both are reunited once again in the after life. Hah, when did he even believe in an after life? Curly lost hope of a god existing so many years ago. But if there was a god, Curly hoped they would be kind enough to let him see you again after this. To see the others too. But mostly... Curly just wants to see you—

Bang

Thud

Curly let out a painful gasp as his lungs burned while greedily took a lot of air to fill it back up. His throat hurts so much. If he could tear up, Curly knows he would with his one singular eye left from the pain. Everything hurts. Fuck. It hurts...

Wait.

Pain... was pain part of death? Living was painful and Curly thought death would be more welcoming. Curly would have thought it would be peaceful like when the air was deprived from his lungs as you strangled him. When Curly knew he was dying as his vision darkened. You— where were you? Why was Curly's head ringing so loudly? Was... was he still alive?

Why... why was he still alive?

Why?

Why?

Why?!?

Didn't you promise to take him out of his misery? Was it all a lie? But the pain— the pain in his throat was real! Curly swore it! Where were you? Where were you?!? What happened?!?

Curly found his answer when he saw a shadowy figure where you once stood. Where you should be. And seeing the face of the figure, Curly wanted to cry and scream. Wanted to yell until his throat was raw and burned. Curly wanted to thrash his burnt body and cry.

But he can't. Curly can't...

"It's okay, I saved you," Curly heard Jimmy say. Curly wanted to bitterly laugh at his words. Jimmy didn't save him. Far from it. Jimmy depraved him from his peace! What more can Jimmy take away from him?!? Where were you?!?

Curly could only let the man whom he used to call a friend carry him without much of a fight as he was tired and still processing what everything just happened, wondering where you should have been. Did you chicken out on killing him? Was your love for him too much to kill him? Then where were you then?

Curly looked at Jimmy with dull eyes as he was carried away from the Medical Room. You were nowhere in sight— until Curly saw you... dead on the ground with a puddle of blood around your head... no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO—

"Don't worry, Curly. I'll fix this..."

"And without the shedding of blood... there is no forgiveness of sin..."

[gayleviticus]

im certainly not a wonderful saintly christian by any means but idk at the end of the day i read the bible and pray and go to church and talk to people about God because i think knowing God is a worthwhile, meaningful, and rewarding thing.

but some people seem to just not view it that way and i find it very hard to wrap my head around all the underlying assumptions that lead them to beat themselves up for not reading the bible enough or, going cold turkey on movies because they're more entertaining than praying etc. but i guess i think that like, wanting to know God shouldn't be a struggle or constantly beating yourself up or guilting yourself into doing more Religious Things.

ok sure, a certain amount of discipline is kinda necessary for anything you want to do that's worthwhile. a writer needs to push themself to write sometimes. an artist needs to push themself to paint sometimes. even relationships-wise sometimes a parent needs to push themself to wake up early and drive their kid to saturday sport or whatever.

but i feel like your ultimate goal should still be something you genuinely want in a positive, joyful way. if you sometimes need to nudge yourself to read the bible everyday, but it's because you do overall want to deepen your faith, that totally makes sense; it's no different from making yourself run on a day you kinda don't want to because your ultimate goal is a marathon.

but when people view the whole thing as this weird internal struggle where God stuff is threatened by the allures of the world and whatnot it just... seems like an attitude towards faith that has problems at it root.

admittedly i kinda have it easy atm bc i have an autistic special interest in the bible and theology but. idk. it doesnt have to be 'ohno all these other things are dragging my attention away from the bible and prayer and etc' it can be 'ok, what are some ways i can learn more about the bible in an interesting way? what are some different types of prayer i could try?' or even 'am i actually driven by wanting to love God, or do I just feel pressured to be doing this?'

[ganondoodle]

i keep feeling the need to apologize for being so negative all the time, the truth is i am not satisfyed at all with anything i draw or write anymore, it feels bland and uninteresting like its lost anything that used to make it not so, i dont know how to change that, and the few people telling me otherwise are likely tired of it (i do not blame anyone even for a second)

'draw for yourself' really doesnt work for me, i cant not draw, despite trying that too, bc then theres nothing left to do, but i mainly draw bc i need to connect with people, show people stuff and see if they like it, see if i can bring something new to the table, it makes me feel less alone and like theres actual merit to what i do, like all these brainworms arent worthless, i havent actually lost my mind, .. not healthy but its how i have been hanging on for the last few years of my life

and i see im slowly losing everything on all ends, the stuff i post used to be what kept me afloat mentally while life is shit, but its all going downhill, and it has been for a while, im not blaming others for it, i know the problem is on my end, i just dont know how to solve it, its on me to make something interesting that compells people, not that they own anything to me, obviously, but i feel i lost everything that used to make things interesting, my brainworms have gotten old and boring, the slow speed and amateurish way i present stuff likely contributing to it to no small part

i hate disappointing or letting others down, i constantly feel like i am not delivering anything worthwhile, making promises i cant uphold to compensate, setting higher standards and expectations to myself to compensate, i need to be better, somehow, at some point i have to get better at it- theres also the guilt i feel for not being able to do anything for the people that keep being nice regardless, i need to do extra good for them! i have to make it up to them! make it worthwhile for them at least bc if anyone deserves it it is them!

its a self perpetuating downwards spiral, ironically enough, i know talking negatively all the time is annoying and is only making it all even worse, its alienating even more people, understandibly so, but my eternal problem is not being able to shut up, i cant pretend to be happy, sure, but i cant even shut up about it, so here i am being annoying about it once again

im running out of time on all ends of my life happy 28 birthday to me, how did i even make it this far

[doodoodinklefart]

okAYYYY so ive been planning this au for literally forever and i couldnt get white diamond satoru and black sapphire suguru out of my head... ive seen a couple other hnk x jjk aus floating around but i wanted to take a crack at it!! i'll just explain these three + the setting for now cuz theres a bunch of other shit brewing in my head LOLOL honestly hnk and jjk are pretty different themes-wise i feel so i couldnt rlly help changing a lot abt the world LMAO

in this au its not just a couple gems in the school, there's a bit more of a society and structure outside of it. there are still the three major "clans" though maybe more like major cliffs?? lol?? that the gems are formed in that produce a much higher frequency of strong, high quality gems. i imagine that before the idea of working together (modern jujutsu society) had come about, gems fought to have control of these spots to assure that they would have those to protect them from lunarians (aka curses we're playing a bit fast and loose here). while there were many attempts to merge the clans, the fighting was more a waste of time if anything, so they stayed separate. jujutsu high in this au would probably just be the school, a set of gems that are trained to always be ready to dispatch lunarians and protect tengen (who is the prayer machine here), who has basically been dormant.

and THATS where we get to white diamond. i wanna say while diamonds are p common irl, its rare here for there to be a fully formed diamond lustrous that actually has inclusions. while there have been extremely strong lustrous born from the gojo cliff, white diamond is the first diamond in several centuries, filling a vacancy after others had been taken away to the moon. not only that, he's got special eyes too!! im thinking he can see sunspots from far away, or maybe can tell artificial gems from real ones, like being able to see their inclusions or something. probably both!! either way he has to wear special blackout glasses during the day. his eyes are really reflective so he can work at night too, but that often leaves him restless.

white diamond—in his mind at least—is untouchable, and really it may as well be true. due to the combat training that he's gone through and his hardness of 10, he has never sustained so much as a scratch. he had a tendency to break all of his sparring partners back home, and thus he feels he's hit a brick wall with his training, and that the only things that will come close to putting up a challenge are likely lunarians. he doesn't really care much for weaker gems at this point, and is eager to finally fight lunarians for once. eventually, he is sent off to the school to begin what he would call "actually worthwhile" training.

black sapphire, on the other hand, was born practically from nowhere, in a unremarkable place with little more than himself and a few other older gems that were around to help shape him. with a hardness of 9, he was the strongest among them and—after his first dangerous encounter with lunarians—he realized he had an obligation to protect the rest of them. his strength often leaves him feelings alienated, as he normally ends up working alone for fear of other being taken away. i wanna figure out how to incorporate his ct better but for now ill just keep thinking about it. for now, it was probably his strength that got his scouted and sent to the school.

boulder opal, or just opal, is in training as a doctor at the school, and shows extreme promise. her lax attitude reveals none of her medical prowess, especially when it comes to gems with missing pieces. she has a particularly good eye for finding missing shards, or finding pieces that she can replace missing shards with. there's nothing she can do if their inclusions reject the replacement, however. maybe she has a way of resonating with the other's inclusions to speed healing up on bigger points of damage?? idk ill figure it out

ANYWAYYY this is getting super long so i'll end this shortly BUT!!! basically, white diamond, with black sapphire (who he calls saph), and opal are all training under yaga sensei (idk what kind of gem he would be yet LOL). diamond, at first, sees opal and saph as weak, but quickly realizes they have their own feats. saph in particular is the first lustrous that has ever made sparring fun, because while he's less durable his combat skills make up for it tenfold. maybe black sapphire is the first to ever leave a break on white diamond who knows... opal is probably always having to put the two back together. theyve never lost to a lunarian before, and have certainly never come close to being taken to the moon. these two are the strongest together, and each finally feel like they have a place to belong.

alsooo..... they do get a mission to escort a "star plasma vessel" of sorts. tengen slowly erodes over the years and needs a compatible lustrous to replace their missing pieces. boleite (riko) happens to be that gem, and diamond and saph need to escort her.... lmaoaoao now i have to design riko, toji and kuroi...

[mrradmccoolman]

AHHHH sorry it's been so long!! welcome or welcome back to

ELLIOTT'S ANDERPERRY SONG ANALYSIS

today's song issss....

Spider by Momma

this one is very much a todd-centric song for me-- specifically focusing on his relationship with himself considering the way his family and the people around him treat him. the andersons are soooo unexplored in the movie and have such potential for a complicated and realistic family dynamic. i hope this analysis gives some insight into how i perceive both todd and the andersons as a whole-- i could go on and on about them, but ill try to keep this shorter for your sake!!

"blessed by every little universe" i see this lyric as how todd perceives his brother, jeffrey, to be. now personally, i see jeffrey as being a good big brother in general, who simply falls into the trap todd's parents and the people around him do-- they don't quite know what to do with him/understand him. (understand this is very much headcanon territory here; as i mentioned, todd's relationship with his family and brother is woefully unexplored in canon. many people see jeffrey as distant or even neglectful of todd, which isn't in any way a wrong perspective, but it's just different from the one i myself take :)) as much as todd loves his brother, he can't help but feel bitter sometimes at the way things seem to come so easily for jeff. one of the hardest things about having undiagnosed anxiety is that you truly believe everyone else around you is experiencing the same level of anxiety as you are, they're just better at dealing with it, and there's something inherently wrong with/weak about you that you can't. that was my experience, at least, and i think todd would feel the same way. not to mention jeffrey's various accomplishments; he's smart, well liked, sporty, and fulfills his parents expectations. things are surely more complicated than that, but todd may frequently feel like he's lesser than his brother, and of the two of them, his brother is blessed in every conceivable way, perfect to the point that his excellence extends to every possible universe with him in it. this lyric is also a parallel to one that todd uses to describe himself, which ill get into later.

"in a web, he's praying" this is another lyric i believe to be todd describing jeffrey. this means multiple things; it could be in relation to the religious aspect of welton/todd's upbringing, perhaps about how in jeffrey's personal 'web', he's meeting their parents expectations of faithfulness. it could also be about jeffrey praying for him; i think of a young todd praying to god to make him better, to fix him somehow. who knows if jeffrey or his parents actually pray for such things, but todd wouldn't put it past them. he wonders if jeffrey wishes for a better brother, one more talented, more outgoing, less like todd.

"big plans, an orchard i could call my own; a bed, a roof, my savings" in this lyric, todd refers to himself and his future with wry sarcasm when he says he has "big plans", because despite the adventurous future his parents have set out for him, he knows he cannot fulfill them. it's not just that he knows they won't make him happy; it's that he knows no matter what he does or how hard he tries, he'll be a disappointment to them regardless. therefore, his actual "big plans"-- or what he sees as the only things he'll ever manage to achieve-- are simple: somewhere to sleep and a roof over his head, perhaps on a farm somewhere where he works to pay rent (there's nothing wrong with doing so, but in his parents minds, to do so would mark him as a failure forever). his idea of his future is bleak and drab, because he doesn't believe he can amount to anything worthwhile.

"like a spider catching nothing" this particular lyric was what first made me think of this as a todd song, but i did some digging on the symbolism and found it fits even more. i like to look at genius lyrics sometimes when im not sure what a lyric means, just to gain some perspective, even if the way i personally see it isn't the way the artist originally wrote it to be. (that's the great thing about music!) i was curious what the artist meant with this line, but couldn't find anything on it, so i looked it up on its own to see if it was a thing people had written about and found this article. (just want to make it clear-- i don't know anything about this website or it's religious connections, but i did think the article was cool!) one of the ways it describes the symbolism of the spider really resonated with me in relation to Todd. it describes a spider's web as representing the mind and the string of consciousness, the complicated patterns being our thoughts. it also describes how presumably, early spiders were unable to differentiate between sticky and non-sticky webs, and so got caught in their own webs-- "unsuccessful spiders". it's with this perspective that i relate this line to todd. todd is so frequently anxious and caught up in his own thoughts that he finds himself paralyzed with indecision or making the wrong choice, too entangled in his own web to get free. what should be his safe space is instead another trap for him to spiral into, and what should be natural for him is instead the very thing that trips him up (social norms, relationships, self-esteem, etc etc). i use "should be" very loosely here because that's not necessarily true, but it's the way todd has been told he should be. he is an unsuccessful spider, catching nothing yet spinning web after web anyways with no end, getting entangled in his own trap. his web is a metaphor for many things: his anxiety, his self-esteem, etc.

"caught up in the highest corner of the room" while this line alludes once again to the spider metaphor, it also outlines how todd distances himself from other people, either by choice or circumstance. whether he wants to or not, he feels he doesn't belong/connect with other people, and sits on the outskirts instead. he doesn't know how to fit in socially even though he wants to build friendships, and convinces himself it's safer to stick to the sidelines anyways, even though it makes him unhappy. not only this, but it's hard for him to relate to other people. he feels like no one understands him. i think specifically back on when he first moves to welton, and all the poets are hanging out in his and neil's room. though it isn't conscious, he's excluded for the most part. the others can percieve that he's different than them and act accordingly. it isn't out of malice, but it still hurts him. it even takes neil quite a bit before he truly gets todd and how he feels.

"spun out and staying" todd is exhausted with being on edge all the time, "spun out", but he doesn't know what to do to stop it because nobody understands. he's alone and feels there's nothing he can do to change it, so he stays where he is because it's the only thing he knows.

"i'll watch, pretending that they're watching me" todd watches the people around him attentively, perhaps jealous of what appears to him to be ease at connecting with others. he observes them as examples of what a 'normal' person looks like and tries to imitate them. wistfully, he pretends people see him back, and are paying attention to him, even though he finds himself fading into the background.

"got good technique in faking; schooled in every little universe" lo and behold, it's the parallel to jeffrey i mentioned earlier!! todd is well-practiced in pretending things are fine, or at the very least, going under the radar. this could also be in relation to how he hides many aspects of his personality from the people around him; ex: when he receives a second desk set from his parents, even though he feels frustrated and hurt, he doesn't tell them how he feels. the "every little universe" part is a callback to the previous lyric; he feels so inadequate that he doesn't believe there is a universe where he manages to meet anyone's expectations.

"well-taught in waiting" todd is used to this sense of stasis, perhaps waiting for someone to notice or care about him, or for something to look forward to when everything feels so insurmountable. consider the dead poets society meetings, practicing with neil, writing poetry, etc. he's practiced in dealing with the things around him by surviving off of morsels of hope.

"no shine, heaven takes a lot of work; i've heard some people saying" while todd feels that friendships and success come easily to other people (for example, jeffrey) he thinks bitterly that for someone like him, it would take a lot of effort to meet the world's expectations, work that would not look pretty. he believes this because he's heard the people around him saying these sorts of things as he grew up, essentially saying he needs to shape up and do the work to be the man they believe he needs to become. in tandem, they imply that he himself is a lot of work, and/or hard to deal with. the lack of support and understanding he receives for his mental health really shows how other people would treat him, especially his parents. having a loved one with mental health issues is a learning process, one that im afraid nobody was willing to go through for todd until he meets the poets.

"they see what they wanna see" todd believes that no matter what he does, he will always be seen as a failure, as inherently wrong. nothing will ever change that, and he's exhausted with bothering to try, so he feels resigned to his reputation. no one will understand him, so why try explaining himself or connecting with others?

"i stick to diabolatry, it's my breed" diabolatry is defined as "the act of worshiping demons and devils." i see this as reference to both his sexuality and mental health struggles, both of which are attributed to the devil and satanic practices throughout history. todd and the people around him try to ignore these things about him, but deep down todd can't escape them; they're part of him. diabolatry is "(his) breed" because his anxiety, depression, and sexuality are part of who he is.

"planting empty seeds" todd is repeatedly told both through words and actions that the things he cares about are worthless and paltry, and that they won't result in success, which is what his family thinks matters most. anything other than what they expect of him is an empty waste of time that will never grow into anything substantial, so he shouldn't invest in it at all.

"everything is bad in me" the last new lyric, and this one is pretty self-explanatory. the whole song culminates in todd's ultimate belief: that he is the thing that's wrong, not the world around him. he expresses his frustrations, but when push comes to shove he knows that it's him that is the problem, and he's foolish for blaming anything else, but he can't help it. (of course, we know that's not true, but things aren't that simple for him.)

i hope you all enjoyed!! this was a fun dive into todd's character for me and an explanation of how it feels to deal with severe anxiety when the people around you don't understand/think you're just overreacting. it's something ive dealt with all throughout my life, especially from family, no matter how well-intentioned they were. let me know your thoughts!! :)

<- prev | next ->

[meltran]

i finally played pathologic 2 and i dont know anyone who played pathologic 2. so im writing the thoughts here. these are my thoughts on pathologic 2, from someone who thinks pathologic 1 is perfect

i hate to go reviewer brain on this but im conflicted so let's go reviewer brain and start with The Positives

the spectacle is truly wonderful. seeing the town recreated in clear autumnal glory, having kids walking around and actually talking to and playing with eachother, the architecture of each building being ramped up in its strangeness. the poetic item descriptions and the implications thereof in the culture. as a base to build a game off of this is all a fantastic progression of patho1's game world

the new gameplay elements also feed into this, the factory being a proper base you can do upgrades in, the children's caches hidden around and the world they convey, the weirdness of the dead item shop, having an actual job you have to do and get paid for is especially fantastic!!!

for the first few days this liveliness is very pronounced and theres lots of good character moments, a profundity of activities, there continues to be some of this throughout the game. there wasn't a point where i was thinking this is bad or anything

but also... as a game called 'pathologic 2', somethings missing, isnt it...? it's not just that there's only one character out of three - even with that in mind it feels like the game doesnt really scratch some of its surfaces. when i think of any route of pathologic it feels hopelessly dense, overloaded with information, almost every single character getting at least one long monologue about something that is connected to what multiple other characters are doing at this time. patho2's interactions feel (i must stress 'feel', im sure a few great ones could be pointed out to me) on average lighter by a lot, which works well for when there is a profundity of things happening at any given time but that's not a constant for the whole game. at which point the "extremely choreographed walk from monologue to monologue" retains some power over what exists now

(the move AWAY from that, towards something 'alive', is a valiant goal. but it's merely a goal.)

and none of this would bother me that much if i played the game in a vacuum. the focus of patho2 is different than patho1 and that is to be expected and valued. it's a new game, and the things that distinguish it are what make it worthwhile to exist. it's a great game, and a part of a whole (the series as a whole), all things are connected by the lines

but it's just a bit frustrating in the context of the way people talk about these games: "patho1 was the limited unplayable game, its not what they REALLY wanted to make. patho2 is the actual successful execution of those ideas, that's the one you SHOULD play". certainly some ideas got to be brought to life in 2 that were sterile in 1 (see above), but i'm trying to imagine a world where patho2 is the first or only game in the series someones played, and it just doesn't work!!! the disarmingness of the game mechanics is striking for all players, but there is simply not enough there for the characters to feel fleshed out for a newcomer - the kains dont really do anything, the political power struggle rarely comes into play, the bachelor and changeling are very funny when you meet them but rarely interact with anything you're doing, aspity is... just not interesting, and even when i keep in mind that many characters only do a couple things per route in 1, the characters in 2 simply don't talk about eachother enough. the illusion of life breaks and the existence of life can't compensate throughout most of the game. we know a lot of characters opinions of eachother in 1, but 2 will just quickly brush over a thing we knew from 1 or not mention it at all, and not develop it too much further

again that's not universal, the new connections between your personal childhood friend group are great!! but they don't keep their relevance either, you dont get to keep meeting with them throughout the game as a group and discuss whats going on. i thought i must have missed a lot by how many characters in my game died (a very cool new addition), but when i look it up there was only a handful of things. maybe those would have been enough to change my experience, but it's much less than i expected. and so the overall sense i get of the game is empty... i was thinking "im gonna HAVE to replay this one" but it doesnt seem like it would be as rewarding as it gives the illusion of being

which again iiiis fiiine because theres a lot i enjoyed in whats in there. but u have to think about how the pathologic subreddit is almost always talking about patho2 without even having to specify it when someone makes a thread asking a specific question. its just assumed that people only play patho2. so how does this fandom even work??? why do people care about eva yan or the stamatin brothers or anna angel or aspity or the kains or saburovs or the bachelor or clara or general block if they have only played the game that barely goes into their deals? is it solely feeding off fan fic and fanart by those who have dug deeper??? probably i guess but that's very strange to me!!! or youtubers and i restate my usual take that people who make videos about pathologic should by and large be bullied for pushing this narrative of "oh patho 1 is SOOO hard and miserable you could NEVER play it unless youre a skilled hyper gamer which almost none of us are cause we're so weak. only i can play it and interpret it because im smart" like they work at a church or something. also patho2 is a lot more crushing of a game. to be honest.

(re: general block: the army is like barely in this game? block gets hidden away somewhere by longin and people talk about that a lot but longin is literally not in the game so what??? they couldve reworked the entire military presence to make them wayyy more involved it couldve been cool)

some of this is even echoed by the devisers - btw i can barely find any convo on the devisers or the PTB's role in this game or isidor ghazar or mark's quantum mechanics moment which are all the actually interesting and cool new deep lore parts of this game. theres actually MORE talk about p1's deeplore. so idk what's up with that - but anyway one of the devisers says to you "We're wasting years copying what already existed, and we have no time to add anything original on top." like thats literally in the game, in present tense. the limitations of patho2 as a work are part of what patho2 is so idk i think to get real value from it we have to engage it as a work on its own and not "pathologic remake" which is what everyone wants it to be even though its so inadequete at being that

so speaking of which, getting into analysis, those ending choices, huh? i only saw diurnal myself because why would i come all this way and not cure the plague. but the choice you have is interesting here because its a sort of nullification of the choices you had in patho1. which were destroy the polyhedron, destroy the town, or instate the invisible storm but dont do that one. the polyhedron was the ultimate symbol of modernity, an eternal end of history, while the town was culture as a progression of real peoples lives. but now, destroying the polyhedron is destroying the cultural history. one is entwined with the other and can't be untangled. so if you come into this from patho1 (AS YOU SHOULD) the choice is extra unsatisfying because the dichotomy is eating its own tail. i don't think either one feels particularly meaningful honestly - other people have pointed out that the game ultimately asking you to choose between the parts of your racial ancestry shuts down whatever interesting things might have been happening in the game regarding your racial ancestry

i think thats true (i AM unsatisfied with that entire story compared to its enormous potential... though i did miss some shekhen content, love that place's existence) but im feeling a bit more positive because i know that pathologic 3 will come out this very year. which is not the bachelor's story in the sense it was originally designed but what i mean is i know theres a future for the series so i can think about what they were trying to do here without despairing over "wouldve been good if they could do that"

in patho1 clara's route can only be played after playing another character's, and concludes a lot of themes from the other routes. its not that it necessarily concludes them, u can get the secret scenes for example in the others, but if you play them in order clara's is already aware of and interacting with deeplore, so there's a clear progression. and in patho2 mark refers to "the next play"... i think part of what you'd probably be doing if youre doing a "more modern" take on pathologic is to actually track progression more directly and have a specific ending scene for playing all three characters, right? that's not how it would go now, but i wonder if the endings of haruspex is made with that in mind. i wonder if the plan was that mark is aware of you the player's progression and each play would end unsatisfyingly no matter what, with mark vowing to do it better next time, culminating in the ability not to unlock a proper ending, but to at least argue about your situation. it's suggested at one point that artemy may have been a real person at one point and the play is merely a restaging of his actions in the past - which of course it is, pathologic 2 is a self-aware adaptation of 1 literally and in-universe. so the endings don't point towards any real future for the town, but if they solved the issues at hand there'd be no reason for a next play... the true goal can only occur in sequence, sequences within sequences

while im here, the powers that be saying they want me to destroy the polyhedron because they want to grow up is a good contender for most unsettling thing in any of these games!? wtf would it mean for the demiurges of this world to grow up??? is that good or bad for us?? this too would be part of the metanarrative that i assume will continue in the now-sequels

while i did find the parts of the game that are less interesting retreads to be, less interesting, so much of the new stuff and the new themes its trying to get at are fascinating for me to think about ... the idea of a "real human" gets brought up a lot and i'd need to look at some of those convos again. the invisibles-esque idea that all of what we go through, both us as a player and the town as a world, is a form of growth needed to achieve our real potential, which is not superhuman but, in fact, actually, truly human. it's a development of themes that WERE in 1 (games as a way to process and understand death, the effort to use the game as a turing test and/or focus to determine the presence of human consciousness) but it's a new side to this. isidor and simon (and georgiy in the marble nest, who is basically simon) devised a plan, an ideology, that is cruel and painful but also a necessary step in the road to true consciousness... at the end of the marble nest you can tell the executor that you're ready to accept the bachelor's death because you are not the bachelor, and it shows you a door at the top of one of peter's staircases... so what i'm saying is, i am god and so are you and we are awakening from our collective dream of separation (which - its just hitting me now - is so obvious if we're dolls of the powers that be. because a hand is holding it and doing a funny little voice, but really, it's all just that hand, isn't it. straw dolls with nametags...) (is the ultimate endgame of this story transcendental growth for everyone involved? for the ptb to grow up into adults, which involves slowly piece by piece putting away each one of their toys, which involves the toys themselves remembering what they are beyond their individualistic sense of ego???? oh my god????)

[drdemonprince]

do you have any tips on distinguishing between wanting to bang/wanting to be wanted by/wanting non-sexual intimacy with someone? or is it just a case of seeing how you feel when you're actually with them and getting good at communicating about it

im probably not the best person to ask, because it took me uhh decades of fucking random people before i let myself acknowledge that sex is nearly always extremely boring to me and the only thing i'm thinking about during sex or in the lead up to sex is what i imagine the other person might be feeling about me.

every now and then a raw animal chemical attraction happens where i just feel like i NEED the person in me, i love how they smell and taste and i will risk it all to get them to bust inside me and i want them around me afterward.

but the rest of the time its this completely intellectual fantasy. instead of getting all wrapped up in the sex, or the person, all i care about is what i can convince myself it means. thoughts like this:

"oh this person is hot, it's very validating of my desirability that someone this hot wants me"

"oh that guy came very fast, how flattering that he was so turned on"

"i cant see his face in this position but i imagine that he's staring at me hungrily, that's flattering"

"wow i got someone from grindr to come over within ten minutes, im so good at sealing the deal"

"wow i cant believe i fucked eight people at this convention, how cool so many people want me"

"i've never tried this sex act before, i guess i might as well. maybe itll be useful for my writing. maybe ill like it."

thats the kind of shit that is normally playing around in my mind. when im actually attracted to someone i dont have to come up with some weird intellectual justification for why fucking is interesting or rewarding or reflective of me in a positive way. i just NEED it.

the self help guru mark manson (who is a little corny, but not bad) has this age old advice that "either something is a FUCK YES! or it's a no." and i think for some people, especially people who tend to try and persuade/guilt themselves into wanting things they dont actually want, that is a worthwhile reorientation. if i actually want someone its pretty damn unambiguous. if i have to even ask myself or sort out the true nature of my feelings, im bullshitting myself.

granted this advice wont be best for demisexuals, or for lots of other people. sometimes experimenting and trying new things sexually is great! its just. ive been doing that for a long time. i have been a very open minded, open to experience individual. and now im interested in being picky for a while