leadlovelearn

[leadlovelearn]

Check out this great ‘emotional overlap’ chart using characters from Inside Out!

[leadlovelearn]

Restructure and Rewire

Something I’ve gone over and over for years, but that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is how to maximize efficiency without overstuffing tasks, piling on the pressure and stress of getting things done, or rushing through things for the sake of getting things done. That is not a sustainable way to work or live! Sure, you might be able to do it for a while, but then what? Burn out. We aren’t made to be machines, we’re made to be vehicles of connection and purpose. When we act as machines, we disconnect. We go, go, go and do, do, do just to check things off our list. When learning and working are tasks we rush through in the name of maximizing efficiency, we disconnect and the tasks and experiences lose their meaning. When learning and working become meaningless, they lose their purpose and we stop being vehicles of connection and purpose. And we burn out.

How can we make learning and working meaningful, without sacrificing efficiency?

In order to restructure our behavior, we need to first rewire our brains. In situations or work cultures where we spread ourselves thin and have “go, go, go” and “do, do, do” mentalities, we put ourselves into overdrive. We rely on adrenaline (“Go, do, fight!!”), and our noradrenaline (“This is how I will go, do, fight.”) is powerless.

When we are experiencing task overload, our amygdala (the brain’s temperamental leader) recognizes the stress and urgency, preventing the pre-frontal cortex (the doer/learner/worker/decision-maker) from getting all of the information it needs to get things done. Because the pre-frontal cortex partners with the hippocampus (where our memories live) to recall information and past experience, in times of stress or task overload, the hippocampus has a hard time effectively storing memories and recalling information for the pre-frontal cortex. Not only does this put our brain in a disorganized state of chaos, but it also makes our ability to complete tasks less efficient and productive.

When learning and working are messy and inefficient, they can’t be meaningful. When learning isn’t meaningful, it’s not buildable. When learning isn’t buildable, we run in disconnected circles of inefficiency and aimlessly work at skills that cannot grow. This is true for us as grown ups, and even more true for our kids.

Maybe your to-do list is ten miles long, or maybe you’re learning something new and you need 50 repetitions to master and polish this new skill. In either case, you want to get it done as efficiently as possible, right? We can’t be efficient in overload. We can’t make learning or working meaningful in overload.

So how do we prevent overload before it kicks in?

Slow down. My mom used to tell us, “Slow your whole self down.” Don’t just slow your body, slow your brain. Take a breath and regroup.

It’s time to restructure and rewire. Let’s get to work.

In order to restructure and rewire, we need to know what we’re up against.

To simplify: In overload, we face a task or experience and react. Our “go, go, go” brains have learned this pattern, so that is our automatic response. To react.

What we’re going to do: Fill our toolboxes so that when we face a task or experience, we can slow down to thoughtfully evaluate and plan, and then respond. Not react. This requires an enormous amount of patience and a willingness to stop, breathe, and consider before taking action. This is not a quick-and-easy, overnight fix. To make responding our automatic response, we need to restructure our behavior to rewire our brains.

Efficiency is maximized in meaningful responses, not task overloaded reactions.

How?

Before we can expect our little ones to respond, we need to make sure we are on track to do this ourselves. Once we restructure and rewire to make responding a habit, then we can use our toolboxes to fill the toolboxes of our littles.

Let’s do it:

1. Make your list.  - Write it all down. Work tasks, home projects, new skills, situations that you’re working through with your kids. Deadlines. Write everything down in one place. Now put it away. Stuff it in a drawer, set it aside, put it in the freezer. Whatever works for you. We’ll revisit it later.

2. Evaluate your toolbox. - How do you react in stress/task overload? - Are your reactions consistent? - Are they effective?

3. Make room for new tools. - Breathing: In overload, stop what you’re doing and take 5 deep breaths with a clear mind. Slow your whole self down. - Naming: Take the time to name your feelings and name your motivations, instead of just pushing past them. Don’t chalk anything up to “I’m just being dramatic” or “I just need to get this done and move on.” Name your feelings. 

4. Name your motivations. - Reflecting: Consider the meaning and intention of a task or experience opportunity. Remind yourself why you’re doing something and what you’re hoping to get out of it (today, next month, five years from now). Journaling can make utilizing this tool more effective and impactful. - Attitude: Establish an attitude of gratitude. I know, it’s the Hallmark card of personal development, but hear me out. When we restructure our motivations from “I have to…” to “I get to…,” we rewire our brains and our stress responses to tasks and task overload reduce.

5. Revisit your list. - Group together tasks that can be completed together. Instead of having 20 things on your list, you may be able to group them down to 5! - Now that your workload is more manageable, consider your new tools.

Give it a try! Remember, if you’re using these steps to restructure and rewire, you’re learning something new. It won’t come automatically to you. Take the time to slow down, consider your new tools, and apply them to your work or situation. This can be extremely challenging, but don’t quit. Face the challenge, take your breaths, remember your purpose, and respond.

The research says that it takes an average of 66 days to form a new habit. Be patient with yourself. Every day and in every situation, we are faced with opportunities to continue growing and learning. When we react, we sacrifice those opportunities. By investing in your toolbox and working towards restructuring and rewiring to respond, you’re learning something meaningful and it will change your life, and the lives of those around you. Give it the chance it needs to be successful for you.

[leadlovelearn]

Brain Basics

I went to college for Child Development, so my formal background is in kids under 5. When I was going back and forth about whether or not I would pursue elementary ed or dig deeper into child development, something I noticed — and even reflected on here — was that everything changes between preschool and kindergarten. In preschool, play is important, developmental domains are thoughtfully considered, and social-emotional learning is the key ingredient for success. I challenge anyone to go into a preschool classroom for an hour and not have a single conversation or teachable moment that points back to social-emotional learning (SEL). In preschool, SEL is embedded and creatively intertwined into activities, learning experiences, and lessons. It’s the cornerstone. Suddenly, in kindergarten and beyond, SEL stops being a thoughtfully targeted goal and starts being a series of blown off, punishable expectations. But why? Are we focusing too much on academics in K-12? Are we assuming that early ed covered it all and it would be obsolete in our K-12 settings? Where in the world did we come up with the idea that we must focus exclusively on academics at the expense of social, emotional, and problem-solving abilities of our future? That’s right: our future. Every kid is the future teacher, police officer, lawyer, doctor, president, mail deliverer, coach, businessperson, banker, and so on! OUR future is in THEIR hands, hearts, and minds. So why don’t we act like it? Why aren’t we investing in them as people instead of test scores or numbers or data?

Maybe it’s because we move from abstract, authentic learning goals to concrete, government mandated learning standards. Maybe it’s because we aren’t training our K-12 educators well to deeply consider the whole child the way that we do in early ed. To be honest, I’m not totally sure.  I could go on and on about this, but I digress…

Let’s look at this from another perspective.

Instead of thinking about your kid’s feelings or their ability to share, think about their brain. That’s not so abstract, right? It’s a living, growing organ in your kid’s head! In the first few years of life, children with supportive, nurturing relationships and environments are making 1 million neural connections per second. That’s a lot! A LOT! While the rate of neural connections tapers off as they grow and get older, connections are still forming — even for you and me! Your brain is constantly wiring and rewiring, making connections and literally growing. This is called neuroplasticity. The more you exercise your brain throughout your life, the stronger it gets! How cool, right?!

Brain Basics

Cerebrum — The biggest part of your brain. It’s in charge of thinking, muscle control, and memory.

Cerebellum — The back of your brain. It’s in charge of movement and coordination.

Brainstem — The connector between your brain and your spinal cord. It’s in charge of the functions you can’t control, like breathing, heartbeat, and digestion.

Neurons — Tiny cells that communicate and create pathways in your brain as you learn. The first few times you do something, the cells are still communicating. If you complete the task enough times, your neurons create a pathway because they’ve figured it out what’s coming and how to get the job done without all the chit-chat.

Because of neuroplasticity, we are able to learn throughout our life. Mistakes and repetition help us to learn, and help our brain to grow. If something doesn’t go the way you planned the first few times you explore or learn something new, your brain remembers the challenges and helps you to problem-solve for future attempts. This is the same for all ages, but will vary based on age and ability. For example, as an adult, I know that if I put my car in reverse and slam on the gas pedal without looking or turning the wheel, I’ll probably hit something. But, if I’ve made that mistake, my brain will remember that I need to look, check for cars and people, ease onto the gas, and turn the wheel. For a child, if they’re up to bat and they swing too high, their brain will remember — but may need explicit feedback from a grown-up — and they may swing lower on the next pitch. Sometimes this can take many attempts and extra support, but with persistence and an understanding that mistakes are the groundwork of accomplishment, the brain will learn and the child will too.

But what about teens?

Ah, teens. They’re not quite kids but definitely not adults. How does this impact their brains?

Well, during the teen years, the brain gets a makeover.  Hormones are raging, emotions are high, impulses are out of control, and lines are crossed. Boundaries pushed. For tweens and teens, there’s a shift between concrete thinking and abstract thinking. Before, their brains focused on facts. Now, their brains can entertain the “what if’s” and creative problem-solving in new ways. As we know, teens are experiencing all kind of changes: body changes, social changes, changes as they begin to differentiate themselves from their parents. Differentiating just means that your tween/teen is creating an identity and pushing for opportunities to demonstrate their autonomy, or independence. Because of the flood of changes and emotions that are running through them like wildfire, their brain can be sort of “out of wack.” As teens begin to discover their identity, they start subconsciously prioritizing their feelings over their biology. I’ve never met a teen who said, “I have a hard time learning math, but I know I’ll get it because my brain is still establishing neural connections and I’m capable of lifelong learning.” However, I’ve heard plenty of teens say, “I can’t do this, I suck at math.” First of all, that simply is not true. And secondly, those statements are dangerous during this time because, as you now know, tweens/teens are developing their identities at this time. If a teen says “I can’t do this, I suck at math” enough times, not only will they completely give up and believe it, but now it’s part of their identity. “Hi, I’m Suzie, and I suck at a math.” Um, not exactly the kind of happy and healthy kid we’re trying to teach or raise, right?!

What I’m finding is that…

if you can educate yourself about brain development and how it relates to your child’s development — regardless of context, of age, of academic subject, of developmental domain — and thoughtfully embed your understanding into conversations, experiences, activities, and so on, brain development and social-emotional learning sort of become one and the same.

Hear me out, I promise I’m going to tie this all together!

Consider Conscious Discipline’s Brain State Model. In this model, there are three main areas of the brain:

The Executive State,

The Emotional State, and

The Survival State

Take what we’ve learned about brain basics and neuroplasticity as the toolbox, and the Brain State Model as the compartments inside. In the Executive State, the individual is calm, ready to learn, seeking out opportunities to problem-solve and learn from experiences (yes, even mistakes!). In the Emotional State, the individual is unable to effectively problem-solve or learn because there’s some kind of roadblock. In order to make their way back to the Executive State, they need to know — and believe — that they are loved and supported no matter what. In the Survival State, not only is the individual not able to problem-solve or seek out opportunities to learn, but they’re lacking connection and positive feelings of support and love, and they’ve gone into fight/flight/surrender mode.

If your emotions were through the roof — you were anxious or angry or hurt — and you felt isolated, humiliated, or singled-out, would you be able to learn from mistakes or effectively problem-solve? I don’t think I would. I’d like to say I could, but I know that my emotional state absolutely impacts my ability to get things done. If my emotions skyrocketed to worrying about my physical or emotional safety and someone handed me an important email to read and respond to, I would definitely need time to recuperate and reset before I could do that effectively.

Kids are no different. Actually, kids experience this far more deeply than we do as adults. Thanks to neuroplasticity, we have learned to compartmentalize and cope through challenging emotions and experiences in order to get the job done. But kids? They haven’t learned this yet! How can we possibly expect an immature brain to respond maturely to every challenging task or experience that they face?! It’s bonkers to me! We must educate ourselves and reshape our craft — with a great deal of patience and mindfulness — to recognize that KIDS are not capable of the same things that ADULTS can do. They just can’t. Not yet. Not even on their very best, most “executive state” kind of day with the sun shining. It’s not developmentally or biologically possible.

We cannot teach children who are scared and feel unsafe. We cannot teach children who feel disconnected, unsupported, or unloved. We must tackle these things first. Let them know that they are safe with you and supported by you. Then, we can teach. Then, they can learn. When safety and connection have been established, then we can address and teach our children that they are capable of learning. That change is okay. How to treat themselves and how to treat others. What kinds of boundaries are important. Thoughtfully and explicitly addressing, as much as academics and life skills, their social-emotional learning and development.

But…

What is developmentally and biologically possible — and appropriate — is to acknowledge that it could take one attempt or one hundred attempts to teach a new skill, change a behavior, or complete a task. It could take one moment of support or one hundred moments of hands-on, patient, and thoughtful help to get the child to achieve what they’ve set out to do.

And that’s okay.

What’s the rush?! Learning takes time. It just does. If it didn’t, we wouldn’t be putting our kids in early education, elementary school, middle school, high school, and hoping they go onto college and even grad school if they knew everything. We wouldn’t put them in sports or faith communities or travel or do anything, really. If we could know and do everything absolutely perfect from birth, what would be the point of learning? Not to be totally dramatic or anything, but what would be the purpose of living? We’re here to learn, to share, and to contribute. Contribution is meaningless if we don’t have shared learned experiences that have gotten us there. Neuroplasticity requires learned experiences to keep our brain growing and active.

So where do we go from here?

Educate yourself about brain development, neuroplasticity, and the brain state model

Consider ways to give your teaching or parenting craft a makeover to support your understanding

This can be challenging because many of us default to the way we were taught or raised, or the ways that we’ve taught or parented for years and years. Our brains have established neural connections in favor of these established practices. BUT. With neuroplasticity, we can rewire and rebuild. We are capable of lifelong learning, too.

Lead by example,

Love your tiny humans, and

Learn so that you can foster and facilitate learning.

You’ve got this!

[leadlovelearn]

Fixed vs. Growth Mindset - A Resource

I found this resource that lays out a 4-week plan on teaching Carol Dweck’s “Fixed vs. Growth Mindset” in a way that children can understand it and can apply it.

Some of my favorite additional resources that were tagged in the plan are:

- How to Raise Resilient Kids

- How to Teach Problem-Solving

I also poked around this website for a little while and now I am OBSESSED. Big Life Journal has so many awesome resources, from its shop to its blog and everything in between.

Make sure to check out this awesome site!

[leadlovelearn]

What Does it Mean to Be a Friend?

I went to undergrad for Child Development and was blessed with many experiences to go into classrooms and learn from educators in early childhood, different learning environments, and a variety of children. I saw everything from expensive, 5-star programs to grant-funded/subsidized programs to programs developed for young children with emotional/behavioral disabilities to programs that focused on the Autism population. What a wide variety!

In my experience, our “standard,” high-quality learning environments had an underlying focus on kindness and getting along – and that’s what we want, right? For our children to learn to be kind and get along, to go with what is expected without ruffling any feathers along the way. But at what cost? We refer to each member of the classroom as a “friend” incessantly – “sit with your friends” and “one of the friends in our classroom has a birthday today,” and so on. But in these attempts to create a culture of friendships in our classroom, what it actually means to be a friend has sort of slipped through the cracks, don’t you think?

Story Time.

One of my practicum placements in undergrad was in a preschool for young children with emotional/behavioral disorders. This means that sometime in early childhood, they likely experienced some sort of trauma; for some it was neglect and abandonment, for others it was the death of a parent, and many other factors that contributed to their early experiences. Overall, as their brains were developing (prior to age 4) there were emotional needs that were not met which actually changed the architecture of their brain, resulting in behaviors that needed more attention in order to work towards a successful, mainstreamed public school experience - attention that our “standard,” high-quality programs could not - and would not - necessarily provide.

In my previous cookie cutter, friendship-focused placements, I had adopted this idea that children will somehow automatically learn how to be a friend by just referring to children as “friends,” but this program and my supervisor there shook things up and completely changed the way I view this now.

Literally. My supervisor called me out, asking why I would refer to each child as a “friend.” She explained to me that the children we were working with were not wired to give the benefit of the doubt or to trust as the result of their early emotional experiences. They had feelings that were hurt, manipulated, jumbled up, and confused. So being a “friend” was something hard to understand and navigate, and not a “given,” the way that we assume that it is in our more “standard” programs. She went on to say that if I am talking to a child and referring to a classmate as a “friend,” but that this child does not have “friend feelings” toward the other classmate, not only does it cause confusion and mislabel the idea of being a friend to this child, there is an added layer of emotional disconnect that stems from “oh, I’m supposed to have ‘friend feelings’ toward this classmate but I don’t, so I’m ‘falling short’ and people will be disappointed in/mad at/upset with me” - and a cycle of shame and unhealthy relationships goes on.

What an eye opener!

I think about this all the time. Does this only apply to our EBD population? I don’t think so. What are we actually accomplishing when we overuse “friend” in our other settings? Does it actually teach kids to respect one another? Are we teaching them what to look for in another person that would make them a good friend? Are we showing them what they need to do for someone else to choose them as a friend? I’m all for creating a culture of respect and kindness, but I do not believe in creating an expectation of false friendships.

Teach our kids to be respectful. Teach our kids to identify and explain their personal boundaries. Teach our kids to talk about their interests, and to ask others what they are interested in too. Teach our kids to know their value. Teach our children social-emotional problem-solving skills. Seek out opportunities to explain why someone is your friend to demonstrate how you choose your friends. Greet and interact with each child using his or her name.

There are so many ways we can teach our kids to pursue healthy, positive, and meaningful relationships and to set them up for success in the future, but I feel like just telling them “we’re all friends” is taking the easy way out and doesn’t actually do us any good in the future.

If you are someone who interacts with children regularly, check in with yourself. Catch yourself speaking – are you overusing/misusing “friend”? What could you say differently?

[leadlovelearn]

The Separation of Families

The separation of migrant families and their children has been in the news recently and while I tried to refrain from sharing my piece, my investment in good and right and just, and children and families far outweighs my “need” to be politically correct. When I first heard that children were being torn away from their parents, my heart sunk. I asked myself: Who in their right mind would separate children from their parents? And parents from their children? What kind of evil person or force would feel that this is the best course of action? *Cue reality check and total wake up call* I can’t imagine being torn away from my family now, at 23, let alone as a child. It’s just not right. And although I was born here and am fortunate to not face the immigration issues that so many do, to think of an “America” where someday when I have children, my sweet babies could just as easily be ripped away from me? Over my dead body.

Amidst the chaos and heartbreak of this news of these immigration internment camps and parents being detained while their children are left cold, hungry, and alone (despite what many in favor of these “camps” may say), I turn to the doers. To the lovers and the fighters and warriors. The ones who are speaking big love and truth and mustering the grace to advocate for these children and families and to teach those who are blindly supporting what they don’t understand. Those who are strong enough to pray for our leaders, for our activists, for these children, for our borders.

But I’m also seeking out science. Thoughtfully studied and respectable brain scientists who consider childhood experiences and trauma, and their impact on a child’s brain and consequently their families. The research on toxic stress, something I wrote about in my previous post, comes out of Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child. What they’ve said in an official statement regarding the separation of families is that, because of what we know about toxic stress, “each day we fail to return these children to their parents, we compound the harm and increase its lifelong consequences.”

Similarly, in a story featured on NPR, “Pediatricians and immigrant advocates are warning that separating migrant children from their families can cause toxic stress that disrupts a child’s brain development and harms long-term health.”

Separating families benefits neither the family nor the child. In fact, it can be so traumatic and toxically stressful that it changes the architecture of the child’s developing brain, impacting their capacity for future learning, personality, and behavior.

Toxic stress can result in learning disabilities, developmental delays, emotional and behavioral challenges, in addition to putting children at risk for future health concerns like heart disease, diabetes, substance abuse, mental illness, and more.

Not to mention, in a series of tweets, this woman wrote that she has been a qualified and experienced emergency/trauma doctor for 16 years. To top off her impressive qualifications, she is bilingual. When she reached out to the Department of Human Services to find out if there was any way she could volunteer, willing to travel and donate her time and resources to provide care to these children, she was denied – with James Groth of DHS telling her she was “too qualified.” Too qualified? Why? Because she is willing to care for, hold, hug, treat, and support these children? Because she wants to meet some of their many unmet needs? More than likely, she was rejected because she is opposed to the entire thing, she is a mandated reported, and there is probably far more going on - in the realms of abuse, neglect, malpractice, and illegal practices - in these juvenile “shelters.” More appropriately and accurately described and termed, they are, by practice and by definition, concentration camps. That’s what they are. Where we live. In our time. NOW.

This is bad. It’s bad for kids, it’s bad for parents, it’s bad for families. It’s bad for our communities, our schools, our churches, our country.

My heart is broken for these families.

[leadlovelearn]

Armchair Expert and Toxic Stress

I was never a podcast person. Just thinking about listening to books on tape or podcasts in the car would put me to sleep. Until I found Armchair Expert. I’m completely obsessed. I’m biased because I love Dax Shepherd. (And Kristen Bell.) It is the highlight of my Monday. And, one Thursday per month, Dax has added “Experts on Expert,” an additional episode with someone who is an actual expert in something. The first was Dr. Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist who focuses on child and adolescent development and families.

As I finished Wendy Mogel’s and Talib Kweli’s episodes, I can’t help but to think about toxic stress, a recurring topic in the coursework I’ve taken in my graduate program in Child and Family Studies and Early Childhood Mental Health.

Wendy touched on the impact of childhood experiences on an individual throughout his or her life. Talib’s side-step from that was the conversation about people of color, specifically people who are black, being less intelligent/having lower IQs. Obviously, this is not true and any person is capable of learning.

But I would like to share some information I’ve learned through my studies. Harvard University’s Center on the developing child has put out research about what is called “toxic stress.” In super short, there are 3 kinds of stress that people experience, but more specifically here I am talking about young children.

Positive stress - regular, normal heart-fluttering and back-to-normal stress,

Tolerable stress - slightly heightened biological experience from positive stress, but the individual is able to return back to a normal state through positive supports and care, and

Toxic stress - an elevated and intense biological experience without the necessary supports and care to “buffer the impact” and “bounce back.”

The issue with toxic stress is that it actually changes the brain architecture of the individual who experiences it as a young children. Most commonly, these experiences are traumatic in nature: poverty, violence, crime, parental mental illness, abuse, exposure to drugs, and exposure to danger - to name a few. By changing the brain’s architecture, a child’s capacity for future learning is impacted negatively. Literally - a child could essentially be “less smart” as the result of this. With that said, I just want to touch on the idea that many (absolutely not all, but many) who experience this are in poorer communities, have parents and/or family members who aren’t home often, either because they are hustling and working to make ends meet or because they are engaging in “at risk” behaviors (drugs, violence, etc etc).

Not only does toxic stress impact the developing child’s brain architecture and capacity for future learning, but it also impacts their behavior (symptomatic of conditions like ADHD, PDD, learning disabilities, developmental disability, etc), and puts them at risk for future health problems, including: heart disease, diabetes, substance abuse, and depression.

I won’t racially profile poverty, but I will note that it’s important to acknowledge that due to systemic racism in our country, my interpretation of some of this research is that many people of color - specifically black - are impacted by this. Many times, they don’t have the resources to provide basic needs, including preventative and comprehensive heath care and education, to their young children.

OF COURSE I am not suggesting that black Americans are, like some ignorant and prejudiced people suggest, actually less intelligent or have lower IQs than their white counterparts, BUT I am suggesting that based on what we know about toxic stress and the people who are most at risk for the lasting impacts and physical- and mental-health related concerns, toxic stress isimportant to address. Obviously, it benefits all people - not just those impacted by poverty and toxic stress - for our country to address mental health, adequate health care, and high-quality education for all, but most beneficially our neighbors and friends and strangers we haven’t even met yet to address this through programs that support young children and their families, as well as an overall solution for improved health care and access/affordability for high quality early education where children can develop supportive and nurturing relationships with trusted adults outside of the family in order to have a greater support system to “buffer the impact”/“soften the blow” and allow children to “bounce back” from toxically stressful life experiences that I am so fortunate and blessed to have not experienced firsthand.

[leadlovelearn]

What I’m Learning

I’m learning a lot about love and purpose. When I started exploring my faith and investing in my personal development, I thought these ideas were mutually exclusive and sure, there could be overlap I guess, but it’s taken me years to figure out that they are so beautifully intertwined.

I just finished my first full year of grad school, and one year from now I will be a Master. Of what? I’m still not totally sure, but they’re gonna give me a diploma that says Master of Education: Child and Family Studies and Early Childhood Mental Health. When I graduated from college last May, people asked me about my plans all the time. What do you want to do for work? What do people with your degree even do? How are you going to use your degree? Oh, you’re going to grad school? Then what? Most questions were asked with love, curiosity, and encouragement. Others felt more like When are you going to get a real job? I could answer these questions and carry on the conversations, but let’s be honest: I don’t think I’ve ever answered any of those questions the same way twice. Nobody actually knows what they’re doing. Especially in their first year out of college! I’ve sought out comfort in the discomfort and tried my hardest to lean into the uncertainty with grace and an open mind, but as much as I try to have it all together, I’m a control freak. I’m a sucker for a well-laid plan. My lack of plans is a huge source of anxiety, and I am no stranger to the spiraling effect that happens when you’re scrambling and trying to have all of the answers figured out.

I have this devotional book that talks about being brave and becoming brave. In your faith, your relationships, your work, and your life. There’s a section that guides its readers through dreaming big, chasing dreams, knowing the difference between your dream and your calling, and discovering what you were created to do. We’re encouraged to dream big and to understand that we are meant to make a big impact on this planet, bigger than we could ever dream up on our own. Wrestling through the difference between dreams and calling has been really hard for me. Like, slap-in-the-face hard. The writer says this: “Dreams are different from your calling. Your calling is sure and strong. Your calling, the thing that God has placed in you for the good of the planet and the good of your heart, isn’t going anywhere.” It’s where your burdens and your talents collide. Your calling is your sure thing, your passion projects, your Kingdom work, the things you always seem to come back to without even trying or thinking about it. Your dreams are all of the ways you can come up with exploring or living out your calling. So why can’t we just let them be one and the same? Why differentiate? Because we need to build our lives around our calling, not our dreams. Dreams will change, but your calling will remain the same.

*cue complete quarter-life-crisis-freakout*

What does this mean for me? For my life? What if I’ve just been pursuing dream after dream? What even is my calling? How can I live out my calling in a practical, beautiful, joy inspiring way?

Recently, I’ve tried to shift my focus from “What am I going to do?” to “Where do I want to go?” I don’t really mean just geographically, but everyday. How do I want to live my life? How will who I am impact my life and the lives of others, and what kind of impact do I want to have? If I know that people learn and grow holistically, and that all we are is the summation of where we’ve been, who we’ve met, and what we’ve done, wouldn’t the best plan be to focus on where I want to be and go?

This shift has allowed me to dig deeper into what I believe is my calling. I don’t have this eloquently written thesis statement for my life, but if I did, I think it would always come back to lead with love. I spent incredible years in character and leadership development. I was given opportunities to coach and mentor others, to connect and nurture a community and impact my friends and coworkers. I’ve studied how we as people learn and develop from the time we are babies throughout the lifespan, and the impact that it has on our lives as we grow up. I know that all people are the summation of every experience and opportunity that they have. By leading with love, I choose everyday (somedays better than others) to give people the benefit of the doubt. To be patient. To respond with compassion and grace and empathy and love before I react. Where there is crazy, beautiful, extravagant love, there is joy. Where there is joy, there is never-ending, unconditional, heart-filling, life-giving love. Everyone wants to feel valued and loved and joyful - I mean, I definitely do! I look for teachable moments to share with others what I’ve learned about life, love, development, grace, compassion, empathy, acceptance, and forgiveness. It’s taken a lot of personal reflection and growth to realize that I can’t get mad or annoyed with people for not knowing something that I know if I never teach them. I can lead, I can teach, I can celebrate. I can be an agent of change.

Do I know what I’m going to do yet? No. Definitely no. Hard no. No. But I do know who I want to be, where I want to go, and the kind of life I want to live.

Where do you want to go?

“People who are becoming love celebrate how far the people around them have come. They’re constantly asking the question, ‘Where do you want to go?’ Then they help the people around them get there.

Go do that with the people you love, including your enemies. Don’t talk to them about their failures and the dark places they’ve been. Talk to them about who they’re becoming and the bright hope that is their future. Speak truthful and wise words over them. Bring a few medals too. As you put the last one on their chest, look them in the eye and tell them, ‘Look how far you’ve come.’ Knowing that the journey you and I are on never really ends, we can ask the people we love one of the most important questions ever conceived.

‘Where do you want to go?’”

(Everybody, Always by Bob Goff)

[leadlovelearn]

Social Skills in Kindergarten

Not to totally geek out here, but in my opinion and in my experience, brief as it may be:

A teacher with a birth-kindergarten (B-K) license receives training on developmental milestones, child-centered and family-centered care, objective and lesson planning, curriculum, inclusion, and, among many other topics, something called authentic assessment. Authentic assessment utilizes what the child is already doing as they freely explore a learning environment through play to collect data on the child’s development in a way that is meaningful and applicable to the child’s routine, as well as their developmental milestones and learning. This helps to prepare them for future learning beyond the alphabet, numbers, colors, and shapes, but widens the scope to include self-help and adaptive skills, peer-to-peer relationships and the social transactions of turn-taking, waiting, sitting for circle time, appropriate bathroom use, and much more. Learning experiences are created based on Developmentally Appropriate Practice (or DAP) and must be age appropriate, culturally/contextually appropriate, *and* age appropriate in order to be considered Developmentally Appropriate. What a way to set the stage for Kindergarten and the rest of elementary school (and beyond!)! The great Miley Cyrus has said it’s not “about how fast I get there” and it’s not “about what’s waiting on the other side,” but that “it’s the climb.” Same idea applies to Early Childhood Education. It’s the climb.

Teachers who receive a teaching license in elementary education earn a kindergarten-6th grade license (K-6). Because most teachers are being prepared for, likely, work in the public school system, this course of study focuses on Common Core and other DPI-mandated standards, the way Common Core is taught and learned, assessment as a means of collecting data through a more formal pen-and-paper style testing approach, curriculum, as well as coursework in the legalities of inclusion and special education and so forth. My experience is that the way elementary education is taught to future teachers focuses *on* how fast you get there and what *is* waiting on the other side. Not the climb.

God bless our teachers because their work is not for the faint of heart. I share this information free of judgment or criticism. What I’ve found is that coursework that prepares future teachers for K-6 education is often geared more towards the older grades and a learning and performance expectation that is not usually developmentally appropriate, but rather hones in on standards, rigid testing, and assessment. When children learn with this much rigor and focus on performance and product over ~process,~ they are less equipped to handle the social-emotional aspects of their development because rarely is it facilitated in a developmentally appropriate way beyond early childhood education.

If you’re asking me (which obviously nobody is but if you’ve made it this far, you might care ¯\_(ツ)_/¯), elementary education ought to adopt some of the ideologies and frameworks of early education in order to improve future outcomes for elementary learners. First and foremost, kids are kids. Let kids play! Utilize authentic assessment and make learning meaningful! They have their whole lives to be stressed about work and performance and outcomes and the future, why should we burden our children with this notion that we have to get everything right from such an early age? Instead, we ought to build up their sense of self, their sense of belonging, how they treat others, how they manage stress, how they resolve conflict—within themselves and with their peers. Perhaps if we prepare them from the beginning, their capacity for learning will actually increase and they’ll be more productive and retentive learners as their brains develop! And I won’t go into this here, but it’s worth mentioning that future mental health and behavior problems may be prevented if we intentionally invest in meaningful learning experiences and positive social-emotional development consistently early on.

[leadlovelearn]

See how a little kindness makes a world of difference. Love is at the root of everything - all learning, all relationships - love or the lack of it. The greatest thing we can do is to help somebody know that they are loved and capable of loving.

My work, my life, my mantra, and my dream: to help others know that they are loved and capable of loving, just as the great Mister Fred Rogers did throughout his life and his work. Mister Rogers demonstrated and lived the incredible example of a life deeply committed to love and kindness and acceptance, and he shared it with the world. In my life, I hope I can love my neighbors even half as well as Mister Rogers did in his life and in his work.

[leadlovelearn]

Rules to Live By

When I first started working with kids, our rules were simple: • Do what’s right • Do what’s fair • Stay inside the boundaries • Listen • Have fun

As an adult working with kids, I think these are great rules — for kids AND adults. As adults, we need to listen, we need to do what’s right and what’s fair, we need to respect boundaries, and we need to have fun doing it.

That is why I have completed Darkness to Light’s Stewards of Children program and Conscious Discipline®’s Understanding Trauma: Reaching and Teaching Children with Trauma training workshop.

The only way to make a change is to lead with love and be the change. Educate yourself. And love everybody, always.

For more information on either of these workshops or organizations, send me a message!

[leadlovelearn]

Choose Joy

“Discipline is not something you do to children. It is something you develop within them.“

-Conscious Discipline®

Here, the operational definition of ‘discipline’ is the ability to set and achieve goals, as well as the ability to self-regulate in order to do so.

If you are upset or tired or ~so over it~ with the kids in your life, remember this: immature behavior is normal for immature human beings with immature brains.

When we seek compliance, obedience, and control, we are: - creating a less than optimal learning environment and experience for all, and - focusing on the external (behavior).

Instead, when we view these behaviors as either missing skills or an inability to self-regulate, and therefore are seeking to facilitate self-regulation and/or teach the appropriate missing skill, the results are: - an optimal learning environment and experience for all - a compassionate and cooperative culture - a teaching opportunity that promotes self-regulation, and - a focus on the child’s internal state, rather than the external behaviors.

"You” talk that is directed towards children becomes their “I” talk, or their inner governing language. This determines how they will see themselves and each other *for the rest of their lives.*

For example: Saying something like, “You cheered on your friends as they finished their turns playing. You were very encouraging.” changes to, “I am an encouraging friend.” in the child’s mind.

In the same way, saying something like, “You never listen when I give instructions. I hate it when you don’t listen. Now I have to repeat myself!” can easily turn into, “I don’t listen. You hate me.”

Words have power. Relationships have power. I would much rather nurture and guide with unconditional positive regard and mutual respect than scream and demand and exhaust myself trying to control everything and everyone all the time. Choose joy.

[leadlovelearn]

Lead Love Learn

This is it! My first post on Lead Love Learn!

If you know me or you’ve read about me, you know that I’m 23, I’m planning a wedding, I have a sweet doggy named Morgan, I’m in grad school, I coach, and I love love. (And coffee.) I considered all that I am and everything I believe to be the summation of the many experiences, opportunities, and relationships that I have had. Because isn’t that life? Isn’t that what we’re all doing? Day by day, we live our lives, collecting memories and knowledge and experiences and opportunities, to make our next day even better. To make ourselves better.

Don’t you hate it when someone just sees you for one particular thing? Maybe a joke-gone-wrong, a mistake that happened ten years ago, where you went to school, how you were raised, what you do for work, your skin color, your faith. I would hate to be known for just one thing, especially if that one thing is a stupid thing I did when I was a teenager. You know what I mean? Instead, I would rather be known for all of the things, stupid and otherwise. What better way to show off your growth than to say, “Listen, this is where I came from, this is who I was, BUT this is who I am now. And I’m awesome!” Don’t you think so, too?

This happens so often with adults. There is no grace. Sure, I’m all for accountability, but when you can see a person’s actions in the grand scheme of things, in the context of their life and their circumstances, you get a sneak peek at their heart and an opportunity to love them where they are and to teach them or serve them, helping them to get what they need to be successful. Isn’t that life changing? I think this is why I love working with kids so much. In any capacity, really. For kids, every experience is an opportunity to learn something new. Every mistake can be turned into a teachable moment, and because of that moment this child will be a better kid and a better human for it. But to the exhausted mom, the tired teacher, the adult who is just “so done,” I see you and I hear you. You’ve been at this a while and you just want some peace and some change. But, friend, change starts with you.

When we choose to see kids as a whole child, not just for a single incident or behavior issue or mistake, and we can evaluate their needs and their knowledge in a given moment to make the choice to teach them, rather than to punish or shame them, we are choosing growth. And change. And peace.

So, this is it. Lead Love Learn. A place where I hope to be an agent of change. A resource. A collection of ideas and perspectives and words that inspire hope and love and change.