#and everything just constantly going wrong and im so fucking tired of it all

[cetoddle]

i know i shouldn’t but i really really really want to call in for tonight

[foreverxdaydreaming]

x

[rapidhighway]

i might've fucked up -.-

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[celestialmancer]

⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;

[talkorsomething]

The whole "go to sleep -> think about sh" thing is still happening. I know nobody was wondering, but it's bugging me. My blog anyways.

...

Well, we've gone too far past the "don't sh" territory that i don't think i actually ate all day.

(Owing to the shortness. No brain power probably and also i'm tired.)

And still. Without fail. The thought is there.

[rafeandonlyrafe]

gold ring

words: 1.3k

warnings: brief suspicion of cheating, established relationship, soft!rafe, proposal, fluffy

“rafe!” you groan out, tired of hearing his phone constantly dinging for the past ten minutes. 

when rafe doesn't answer, you slap your laptop closed, frown on your face as you head up the stairs, muttering to yourself about him interrupting your work that he KNOWS is important.

“rafe!” you shout, entering his bedroom. you can finally hear the spray of the shower, explaining why he was letting his phone go off.

you grab it from his bedside table, yanking the charger free as you go to silence it, but upon trying to stop the dinging, you skim over the notifications.

you don't believe it at first. it must be some kind of mistake, you're sure.

you click on the name of rafes ex girlfriend, opening up the text message thread.

rafe: when can we meet?

ex: whenever works for you 🥺

ex: i miss you a lot btw

ex: this friday at 6pm? we can meet at the country club like we always used to. maybe get dinner? can't wait to see you xxx

you frown at the messages, quickly locking the phone and setting it down when you hear the shower turn off.

rafe steps out with just a towel wrapped around his waist.

“hey princess.” he smiles. “how's the essay going?”

“fine.” your tone is cold, surprising rafe. “your phone was ringing so i silenced it.”

you walk out of the room without another word, needing to return to your homework, but when you sit back down at what has become your desk, you can't concentrate on the words on the screen, your anger bubbling over.

you want to confront rafe, but you need time to breathe otherwise the entire conversation will be unintelligible as you simply sob.

you head upstairs, grabbing your backpack and slinging it over your shoulder as rafe emerges from the closet, fully dressed.

“where you going babe? got study group?” he questions, glancing at the clock on the wall, realizing there's no way study group would be meeting this late.

“going home.” you mumble, making sure everything you usually leave at rafes is stuffed in your bag.

“you are home?” rafe questions, his expression turning sad when he sees you're not joking.

“no, im not rafe.” you sigh. “i want to sleep in my own bed tonight.”

truth is, you've practically moved into tanneyhill since you started dating rafe, but technically you still live at your parents house, only a few doors down from rafes.

“is everything alright?” rafe asks, trying to reach out for you. “what did i do wrong?”

you can't help it anymore, his obvious disrespect for your relationship, something you put years of work into only for him to go back to his ex girlfriend.

“how about you ask your ex?” you question, tears streaming down your cheeks.

“my ex? what are you talking about?” rafe asks, again trying to hold you by your shoulders, but you take a step back before his palms can land on you.

rafe: ive asked you a million times to give that ring back. you never should have taken it in the first place. it was my grandmother's and now it belongs to y/n, not you.

“i saw your texts, rafe. when can we meet? are you fucking kidding me!?” you shout the last sentence.

“baby, wait.” he says softly, grabbing his phone. he opens up the messages, scrolling up so you can see the full context.

ex: i don't know where it is 

rafe: bullshit. give it back or ill call the cops

ex: fine. 

rafe: when can we meet?

“see, baby?” rafe places a soft hand on your shoulder. “i was just trying to get my shit back. i have no interest in my ex at all. i love you.”

“oh, rafe!” you coo out, throwing your arms around his shoulders. “im so sorry i doubted you.”

“it's okay, id also be pissed if you were texting your ex. i didn't tell you just because i wanted to keep it a surprise.”

“keep what a surprise?” you furrow your brows together.

“what do you?- ohhh.” rafe finally catches on, letting out a chuckle. “i see what you're doing.”

you giggle, rising to your tiptoes to press a kiss to rafes soft lips. 

“now let's get back to work on that essay, yeah?” rafe says. “i can help you.”

“and what do you know about microbiology that could possibly help me?” you snicker.

rafe rolls his eyes dramatically. “fine, but i can at least be there for moral support.”

--

you've been expecting it for months now, wondering when rafe will pop the question. you know he got the ring back, and while he's taken you on romantic dates and moonlit walks on the beach, you're not sure when he will actually drop to one knee.

“what are you thinking for your nails this week?” your girlfriend asks.

originally, you were doing all white and plain, but recently for summer you've been branching out to bright colors again.

“why, is there a certain color i should get?” you raise your eyebrow at her. 

“well i was gonna get a sparkly white, maybe we could match.” she shrugs. it's no discredit to your friend, but her acting isn't good enough to fool you, and you're sure that rafe asked her to make sure you get something appropriate and properly bridal.

you of course get simple nails that you hope will compliment a silver ring on your finger.

you look at the calendar hanging on the wall, reading through your events for the upcoming week, trying to figure out when rafe may ask the question.

you ultimately give up on trying to figure it out as you head further into the house, calling out for rafe. 

“baby? where are you?” you shout, surprised when you don't get a response. you head up to your bedroom, figuring he must be in the shower, but the bathroom door is wide open when you enter.

you almost miss it, so set on finding rafe, but the dress laying on the edge of the bed ends up catching your attention.

put this on and meet me outside.

you recognize rafes handwriting instantly. you set the paper to the side and look at the dress. its a soft light pink material, nearly white.

you are quick to undress and put on the flowy dress, admiring yourself in the mirror before touching up your hair and makeup next. rafe knows how you like to prepare for big events in your life.

your steps are slow, or at least you attempt to keep them slow, as you want to cherish this moment. your eyes light up with the glow of the backyard, string lights hanging from every tree, and on the edge of the sand, is rafe.

“oh.” you cover your mouth, feeling tears well up in your eyes. this has to be the moment. you run to him, arms wrapping around his shoulders as he spins you.

“baby, i haven’t even asked yet.” rafe chuckles, setting you down.

“and i’m already saying yes.” you giggle, although it’s no secret to rafe what your answer would be.

“still-” rafe places his hands on your hips, stilling you before he drops down onto one knee, pulling a box out of his pocket. he flips open the lid to reveal the most stunning ring you’ve ever seen, it’s exactly what you envisioned and somehow so much more.

“you’ve made me happier than i ever thought possible. you fixed all my broken pieces and made me whole again. there’s no one else i’d rather spend forever with.”

rafe looks up at you, tears brimming in his eyes, overwhelmed with the emotion of the moment. “will you marry me?”

“yes!” you squeal, falling to your knees alongside rafe and pressing your lips against his. “yes, yes. a million times yes.”

sfw tags: @winterrrnight @cameronswiftie @ladyinbl00d @ethanthequeefqueen @drewsephrry @wearemadeofstardust0

[sinisterintuition]

.

(tw self destructive behavior)

[sturnsmadl]

loverboy!chris headcannons!

loverboy!chris who built up the courage to slide in your dm's finally.

loverboy!chris who talked to you almost everyday.

"how are you?" "im filming tommorow." "u won't believe what i saw."

loverboy!chris who cut off every girl to focus on you.

loverboy!chris who always mentions flying you out.

"come onnnn. let me fly you out." "ill fly you out."

loverboy!chris who wants you to model for his brand.

"you tryna model?"

"dude i dont know how to model."

"so? you can try for me :)"

loverboy!chris who is always wanting to facetime.

"you tryna call?" "hop on facetime." "you awake?"

loverboy!chris who constantly talks about you to his brothers.

"and shes so fucking pretty."

"tell her that."

"can u shut the fuck up?"

loverboy!chris who really wants to meet you.

"you coming la anytime soon?"

"chris we spoke about this literally yesterday."

"pleaseeee?"

loverboy!chris who texts you like he's your boyfriend.

"good morning." "night babe." "you busy?"

loverboy!chris who makes sure your okay all the time.

"you okay? you looked really upset on ft last night."

"i was just tired :) thank you though."

"okay. you can always talk to me."

loverboy!chris who tells you everything.

"i literally just burped on matt."

"oh?"

"yeah."

loverboy!chris who finally flies you out to him.

"pack your bags ;)"

"omg. chris why did u do that?"

"i need to meet you."

loverboy!chris who gets really happy around you.

loverboy!chris who waited until you met to ask you to be his.

"can i be your boyfriend?"

"oh my- yes. yes.."

loverboy!chris who gets caught cuddling you on your first day meeting.

"shhh...shes sleeping."

"you met a few hours ago."

loverboy!chris who makes sure your ready for any advances.

"you sure?"

"yes chris just kiss me."

loverboy!chris who can't help himself and kisses you a lot more.

loverboy!chris who refuses to be away from you.

"where are you going?"

"to wash my hands.."

"ill come."

loverboy!chris who teaches you at top golf.

loverboy!chris who is so excited when he goes down on you.

"i've been waiting so long to do this."

"fuck..chris."

loverboy!chris who loves everything about you.

loverboy!chris who becomes very confident with you.

"i gotta fart."

"chris!"

loverboy!chris who showers with you to stay near you.

"want me to do your shampoo?"

"you could back up a bit."

"declined."

loverboy!chris who buys you everything you show interest in.

loverboy!chris who kisses your head while you sleep in his arms.

loverboy!chris who loves not sleeping alone.#

"i love that i get to hug you all night."

"its too hot to have you wrapped around me like a koala."

"thats just rude."

loverboy!chris who buys you stuffed animals that remind him of you.

loverboy!chris who sleeps on top of you.

"chris. wake up."

"what?"

"get off i need the bathroom."

"noooo"

loverboy!chris who leaves way too many marks.

"chris..i can't fucking cover them.."

"guess you'll have to show em off then huh?"

loverboy!chris who also loves pissing you off.

loverboy!chris who doesn't let you go bed mad at him.

"nuh uh. were not doing this. im sorry okay? whats wrong?"

loverboy!chris who cries when you find out your pregnant.

"your kidding.."

"no..are you happy..?"

"oh my god..yes.."

loverboy!chris who overbuys for the baby.

loverboy!chris who makes sure you know he's there at the birth.

"im here baby.. your doing so good."

loverboy!chris who takes a picture of him crying holding the baby when its first born.

loverboy!chris who treats his baby like glass.

"nick! careful."

"dude what..? i was just looking..jeez"

loverboy!chris who is so proud showing his brothers.

"look at my baby.."

"hes adorable chris."

"well done buddy."

loverboy!chris who makes sure your okay and provided for.

"you need any water? any food?"

"no im okay thank you.."

"a hug? i mean look what you just did. gave me a child. ur amazing."

a/n- these r quite far apart events!! this is also awful cause i rushed it smmmm!! i have so much school work to do :(

taglist! @bellaonthelow @muchloveforhacker @moonk1ss3d @sturnclouds @christophersgf @ellizzyy @fratbrochrisgf @phoenix062 @pixxiies @conspiracy-ash @blahbel668 @monroesturnns @gwennybenny @sturnobsessedwh0re @xoxo4chriss @pixie-sticks-are-good @wurlibydominicfike @anitahunt @ilusa @mattstrombolii

[firesnap]

i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.

ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?

its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?

im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.

This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.

I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.

This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.

My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.

With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.

Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.

(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)

But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.

[maskedtako]

Love Bullet Cupid pearlapis/lapearl

I want to start this by saying- I am NOT a writer. i SUCK at writing and grammar, and i really suck at illustrating very emotional stuff- which is why most of my aus is just cool concepts that would be fun to think about.

This wont be a story and more like my idea written down in a weird way- so it's bad and doesnt read like a fic- actually i have no idea how it reads ^^;; With that in mind. Love Bullet Cupid pearlapis/lapearl AU

(Also just putting this all in a single post because im new to posting in tmblr and im bad with pacing stuff -head in hands- ) ---------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------

Lapis got into an accident that shot her car off a cliff and into the cold ocean. Her actual death is the water that flooded her car and drowned her.

She woke up years later just at the edge of the water, her weapon already sitting by her side. With no guide she had to figure out stuff on her own.

--Stray Bullets --

Pearl was one of Lapis’s early Targets (this was before chapter 7+ where we learn about the Target Board)

Being emotionally inept Lapis had a hard time landing shots that lasted, often pairing up the wrong people and wasting bullets when it had no effect at all.

She stumbles into a pair (Rose and pearl)

Maybe they were childhood friends that just stuck together, or middle school buds that never split.

This time even Lapis could tell that Pearl has a special connection with Rose, especially with how much the peach blonde kept following her around.

So, thinking that this was a safe shot to take. Lapis aims her gun at Pearl who was looking at Rose and boom! ♥

Finally! a successful pair.

Before Lapis could celebrate the first red in her gun’s love gauge she notices another person arriving. 

A chill going down her spine as she recognises the heart eyes in Rose's eyes that’s directed at Greg

Shit.

Did she just pair this girl with an already established couple?

Lapis lowers her gun as she stares at Pearl's back, watching the couple flirt.

Shit.

Lapis tries to brush it off, another whoopsie, who cares, she doesn't.

Or at least she shouldn't. But she couldn't wave away the guilt she felt for essentially fucking up this girl's life.

So while taking missions nearby (and messing them up) Lapis quietly follows Pearl's life, watching her burning love, her never ending yearning and the deep sadness that lingers her form. The merciless pain piercing through both of them.

(Parallel to my theory that Lapis has seen Pearl's memories when she was in the mirror and stored them in her gem. 

Always there, watching but never able to do anything [ hearts in pearl's eyes never fading away ] )

Lapis sits on the balcony, elbow on her knee, chin in her hand, watching Pearl with half-lidded, awkward eyes. Pearl stares ahead, her expression a raw mix of love and pain as she looks at Rose.

Lapis watches as the years go by, horribly failing at her cupid missions; she neglects them in favor of following Pearl around. Watching everything.

Watching her confront Rose when she got pregnant

Watching her pain when Rose died during childbirth.

Watching her work hard to help Greg with raising Steven while constantly mourning her love, never ever getting over it as years goes by.

When Steven was 13 years old, a terrible accident happened. 

Exhausted from years of overworking, Pearl lost her footing and fell down a large flight of stairs.

Lapis watches in silent horror as her target tumbles down, bump by bump, before ending with a bloom of red circling her head like a halo.

She died shortly.

-- Pearl --

Pearl remembers her body becoming cold, desolate and lonely.

She's tired, very tired, and sleep was beckoning her.

In the dark cold she recalls a wish

A wish to be loved.

Pearl wakes up in a pile of Rose petals, her hands brushes against a shotgun buried under the flowers.

And the first thing she sees is an angel perched on the stairs she fell from, crouched, messy hair with a rifle hanging from her shoulders.

The first thing she heard was a quiet chuckle.

"What a horrible way to die"  

---------------------------------------------

Them as cupids!

bonus since this is kinda ooc

[badaswrld]

hurts me too

❥ bada x reader

❥ heavy angst, hurt no comfort, depression, severe mental illness, cheating

🫧

“hey… hey y/n,” you hear while bada is shaking you awake.

“it’s 2 o’clock.” she says.

you sigh and rub your eyes.

“you have to stop staying up so late.”

all you do is nod. you can’t sleep anymore. you can barely do anything anymore. without bada, you wouldn’t eat, you wouldn’t shower, you wouldn’t leave the house.

she sighs in response. “i’m going to teach a class and then go out with friends after, i’ll be home later than normal.”

“ok.” you say, flatly.

she brings her hand to her face and rubs her eyes in frustration. she stands up and starts to leave the bedroom.

“love you,” you say, the sound of the door shutting as your response.

you knew it was getting hard for bada. she had to care for you almost 24/7 as well as herself.

you weren’t you anymore.

when it first started, bada was extremely attentive. she was constantly worried about you, doing everything she could for you, crying for you when she was alone.

as the time went on, she got tired of it, and you understood. you weren’t showing much improvement at all.

there were days when you could get yourself up and out of the house, but most of the time you laid in bed, eyes glued to the tv, ignoring everything around you.

you wanted to be better for her, because you felt her slowly drifting away.

flashback 🫧

“it’s been months, y/n!” bada shouted at you, standing over you while you sat on the couch.

“i just don’t know what to do anymore. i’m trying to help you but nothing has changed.”

you say nothing, just staring back at her with a dead gaze. you looked and felt like a living zombie.

“god, stop looking at me like that, i hate it.” she says, sitting down, holding her head in her hands.

after a couple minutes of silence, you manage to speak.

“i’m sorry…” you whisper, tears building in your eyes.

bada looks up at you then, her gaze immediately softening. you see guilt washing over her face.

she moves to hold you, wrapping her arms around her waist, resting her chin on your head.

“no, i’m sorry. that was mean.” she says, kissing your head.

“i need help.” you say, quietly.

she grabs your face softly. “we’re going to get you help, i promise baby.”

end of flashback 🕊

the therapy wasn’t enough. bada had dragged you out of the apartment twice a week for months now. you had showed a slight improvement, but you still weren’t able to take care of yourself.

you would do anything to feel better, but you couldn’t find it within yourself to fight.

flashback again 🌫

“i just don’t understand what’s going on!” bada yelled. another argument. this was becoming so normal for the both of you.

it was usually just bada yelling while you sat and took it.

“is it me? are you not happy with me?” she asks, her eyes starting to glass over.

you don’t respond.

“will you fucking answer me??” she shouts in frustration.

“i don’t know what’s wrong!!” you finally snap, yelling angrily.

she looks at you shocked, as this was the most emotion you have shown in a while.

“bada, the therapist said it was only a matter of time. we just have to wait, im trying.” you explain, agitated.

she stands up quickly, letting her anger take over.

“how much longer? can you tell me that? i can’t do this for much longer y/n, i mean it.” she says.

when you don’t say anything, she walks to start grabbing her stuff.

“bada, where are you going?” you ask.

“i can’t be here right now. i’ll be back later.” she says, flatly.

“wait, bada please-” you’re cut off by the sound of the door slamming shut.

end of flashback 🌊

you were trying so hard to be better, for yourself and for bada. you loved the days when you felt good, when you could appreciate the beauty of life. but they were few and far between.

at this point, bada only talked to you when she was bringing you food or helping you shower. she had almost completely given up.

you laid in the bed for the rest of the afternoon. it was 11 pm now, and you were hoping bada was having fun. hoping she was getting a break from the burden of yourself. you felt like a parasite latched on to her that just wouldn’t let go.

your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of bada entering the code to your shared apartment.

you sat up, excited to see her. you were in a rare mood where you felt like talking for once. you missed her comfort when she wasn’t there, even if you didn’t talk. she was your home through it all.

she entered the room with a distraught expression on her face, staring at you with guilt in her eyes.

“bada.. what?” you ask, concerned.

you see tears falling down her face.

“i did something bad,” she said, crying.

“god, i really fucked up, y/n,” she says, pacing around the room with her hands on her head.

you were sure it couldn’t be as bad as she was making it seem.

“ok, just tell me,” you say, eager to hear.

“i met a girl at the bar. we started talking and we were both drunk and i…. went back to her apartment.” she said, unable to look at you.

your face fell flat. “did you sleep with her, or just kiss her?” you asked, already knowing the answer, but needing to hear it from her.

“…. i slept with her,” you hear her say through choked sobs. she’s looking at you now, reading your face for a reaction. her cheeks are flushed and her words are slurred, she’s still drunk.

you felt a thousand pounds of weight hit your chest all of a sudden.

she sits on the bed next to you, trying to grab your hand. you quickly move away from her touch.

“i can’t..” you say. she nods.

you both sit there for what feels like forever, crying together.

“i’m gonna throw up,” you say, standing up quickly and running to the bathroom.

you’re shaking and crying on the bathroom floor, waves of nausea hitting you heavily. you feel bada’s hands wrap around your hair, pulling it away from your face as you gag, but nothing comes out. you haven’t eaten all day.

you slump to the wall, pulling your knees to your chest. bada sits next to you, not knowing what to say or do.

after sitting with nothing but the sound of you both sobbing, you finally say something.

“ok.. we can.. fix this.. right?” you choke out, in between hiccups.

“y/n, i don’t think we can-”

“stop. you made the mistake. do you still love me?” you ask, angrily.

she hesitates, but responds. “yes y/n, of course i do.”

“ok, and i still love you. so we can fix this. i don’t care what you did.” you say.

“obviously you do care.”

“i do, but i can’t lose you like this.”

neither of you say anything, and you get up to move to the bed, your body feeling weak and sore all over.

bada follows you, looking at you to speak.

“why are you being like this?” she asks, genuinely confused.

“because i love you, i need you. i cant go on without you, bada,” you’re crying again at the thought of living without her.

“you deserve better than this, than me. i cant believe i did this to you,” she cries.

“shhhh. let’s not talk about it anymore. let’s just sleep.”

you pull her into you under the covers. she’s sobbing into your chest, and you feel weird. you’re the one comforting her this time, even though she hurt you like this.

“it’s okay, just forget about it right now.” you say. you don’t want to talk about it right now while she’s not fully in her right mind.

you rub her back, and you can tell she’s exhausted, physically and emotionally. “i’m so sorry, i’m so sorry..” she finally says.

you comfort her to sleep, and she’s desperately holding on to you like you would leave her the second she let her guard down.

you lie awake, thinking about everything. maybe this was the moment to bring you back to earth. maybe you needed something big to happen in order for you to snap out of it.

you just knew you couldn’t be without her. she was the only one that stayed with you, all your friends becoming distant as you fell farther into depression.

you truly loved her. no matter what. you had already forgiven her. you couldn’t blame her. you had given her nothing for almost a year now. she just felt hurt and lonely.

you weren’t going to let anything happen to the both of you. you knew you had to be strong, stronger than you’ve ever been before. it’s just one mistake.

you fell asleep finally, hugging bada tight. you just couldn’t let her go.

you were struggling, but she was struggling too.

you were determined to fix this once and for all, for both of you.

a/n: i’m fucking crying 🤧🤧🤧 anyways to the person that requested this i hope you like it <3

also i stole a dialogue of this from the dev patel episode of modern love lol

disclaimer: the reader in this is severely mentally ill. she makes this decision based on that. this is just fiction!!

[loversj0y]

hey its me glonk

so

talking about siren/clinic!wilbur.

Imagine Sire having a love/hate relationship with a low-ranking hero.

(Now I say "low-ranking", but it doesn't mean they're weak. They're just... really bad at their job. They can fight, but they're a little too brutal for the public eye. Breaking bones, etc..

So the hero committee says they are too violent to move up the ranks. Ironic, considering that they are the only hero that doesn't kill villains. The other heroes do much worse all the time-- they just keep it under wraps.)

Anyway, maybe the hero has some nullification power. Siren's voice doesn't work on them, so they end up duking it out in a good old fashioned fistfight.

Unless its the hero's lunch break. they only work when they have to.

eventually, when one gets a call about the other and an order to go deal with them, neither knows whether its going to be a snog-in-the-alleyway kind of day or a beat-each-other-to-a-pulp kind of day until they lock eyes.

fuck Enemies to lovers, this is enemies AND lovers.

lonemies. lovemies. enevers. Enemivers? Who knows.

(also. imagine the hero getting fired one day because they incapacitated someone in a rather brutal manner-- on live television. Does the Hero Committee care that it allows its other heroes to do far worse, just out of the public eye? No! Boom, they are fired)

you bet that siren goes asking them ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ ̶p̶h̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶n̶u̶m̶b̶e̶r̶ to join the syndicate.

glonk. you get me. oh my god.

okay i kind of went crazy down below but i love this concept SO much

enemies AND lovers is SOOO powerful. i feel like siren would have a complex about anyone who cant be affected by his power naturally bc on one hand, it pisses him off, but on the other hand, he LOVES it because it allows him to feel secure in knowing they will never think he’s manipulated them and he’ll never have the option to (id imagine growing up, he found it hard to make connections because people who knew his power and didn’t understand it would find it hard to trust him)

i love the idea too of their very first meeting. hero reader is brand new, spiffy, ready to tackle any challenges! and who do they get? literally one of the three top ranking heros. and yeah they’re terrified but they agreed to this so they get ready to fight and siren just is not having it and simply tries to command them and reader is like *oh fuck…wait.* and they both have this mutual realization that he cant use his power and immediately in siren’s eyes. they are rivals. siren manages to get away without any fight due to the shock and processing they both have, but the hero committee quickly hears about it and is PISSED because, from the media’s view, hero reader didnt even try. which is why next time the hero just gets aggressive and physical and the hero committee ALSO gets pissed again and reader is just like ????? already so done with this shit but they’re on a contract fuck.

but oh thats when siren catches them. they’re not really paying attention to patrolling, still pissed off and reeling from the meeting with the hero committee, so it isnt hard for siren to come up behind them and get them pinned down. and he’s all cocky and talking shit, and reader is too tired to actually fight him or be angry, so siren is like. something is wrong here, i want a reaction. so he switches to flirting. and oh boy does that do the trick. and reader is so tired theyre just like. fuck the hero committee. fuck everything. im going to have fun. and they end up making out in the dark alleyway until siren gets called away by the syndicate.

and the song and dance continues, either fighting or making out (though siren does note that the fighting tends to happen more when the media is involved) hero learns more abt the syndicate and is like honestly i cant even hate them bc the hero committee IS bullshit and the committee is up their ass about needing to be better, constantly needing to be better and fight more and help more people, and they let out some stress with thanatos, but it’s more of a “beat each other up until we’re exhausted and can relax” type of fight until hero accidentally knocks him completely cold because his head hit a brick wall. and they look up and the camera definitely caught that. a text about being fired comes quickly, but honestly they dont even care, they’re more just worried that this person is okay, and so they grab his ear piece and tell nemesis what happened and nemesis is like “okay, im going to trust you only because you just got fired. here’s the cafe’s address, ill tell our healer and have someone meet you there” and so hero brings him to the cafe for tommy to heal, and siren is there because of course he’d be there, but it’s for two main reasons: making sure the hero keeps this place a secret, and extending the offer to potentially become a villain (which he notes that they’d need to have a chat about it over dinner specifically, and it definitely is not an excuse to go on a date)

[furorsopher]

people ask me

“what’s it like to be your flavour of mentally ill?”

my answer is right here! :D ⤵️

imagine dreaming. you sometimes can’t move and you don’t know why and you can’t run away from it because of course, that’s how nightmares work. and if you ever reach a point of safety away from it, you feel accomplished and full of energy again, and then everything crumbles and you have to run again but it’s a different nightmare and still the fatigue only grows and the feeling of running away doesn’t change. but you never see the it, you don’t hear it, you can’t tell anybody about it because your mouth won’t move and words are something foreign to your tongue and fingers.

and sometimes you just have a dream midway through and your head hurts because there’s something you forgot and you just can’t remember and everybody’s off and weird around you, but finally everything’s looking up!

then suddenly you’re back in the nightmare running away from something again and again. and everything hurts but you can’t explain why because how do you explain the concept of a nightmare to a dream? it doesn’t know the sheer terror of its other half, it only sees it as a dream like itself and feels offended when you suggest the thing it sees itself in is hurting you.

and while all of this is happening you’re fully aware of everything and you want to scream at yourself that you’re smarter than this, and you want to scream at everybody else that they’re buffoons for not believing that the concept of a nightmare exists.

imagine being in a dream and not remembering that nightmares exist but it’s all so absurd that there isn’t even a clear distinction of them anymore, and when you can’t keep the balance it all comes crashing down on you.

imagine that, but it’s your actual real life. you can’t escape it because people refuse to accept your absurdity is fundamentally different from your own. and when you do what they say to do - get help from professionals in absurdity - they say your absurdity isn’t abstract enough to require help or that your absurdity isn’t definable so there’s no way to help you.

imagine that, and try to live a normal life, going to school, going to work, eating, sleeping, talking, all while not being able to escape something looming over you, that you can’t explain and can’t see or face because it doesn’t exist. and when your tongue finally finds its way around speaking your people refuse to believe it’s been really fucking taxing to constantly have to balance a completely absurd mental and physical state with the course of a normal and orderly life.

imagine that really hard. forgetting things constantly, your head hurting and numb simultaneously, your joints cracking and aching under weight they forgot they carry everyday, feeling your organs moving around under your skin, your body wanting to run away but being too tired to even really think about it. your skin being itchy and too tight and too loose and wrong. the bliss of ignorance and the pain of never trying hard enough despite wanting to. really only being able to think and talk about one thing or two specific things ever, because everything else makes you want to hit something or somebody. loosing your person and realising you were nothing to begin with.

the worst part is: there’s nobody to blame but yourself.

“that’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?”

“omg so me! i also zone out a lot… wait no i dissociate im so different”

“but what if you went to the gym?”

“ever think about eating healthier and drinking more water?”

“you were such a great student when you were a kid! so far ahead of your peers!… but not in an important way, actually you were just normal and average and forget i said you were different from the start in any way shape or form!”

“you always seemed fine, so i don’t think it’s actually that serious”

“you’re just saying that!”

“everybody feels that way”

*sigh*

[gayspock]

yap yap yap

mildly hilarious cuz what. i started uni in 2019, after 2 years of consistently hitting my rock bottom & feeling miserable, insanely alone. i hadno friends cuz and i was genuinely struggling with literally everything. and for a fleeting moment ithought to myself i might be able to meet people and find some sort of purpose or connection despie thefact it never works out. and then it never worked out againno matter how hard i tried to talk to peopl e and again and again i just cant figure anything out i never have and i know i never will at thispoint and im sick ofpeopel who manage to get anything ever trying to tell me anything to the contrary . sorry to be a dickhead constantly but its also ike one of those points of contention that mylived experience is one of the few fuckignthing there is to me rn and guess what. whatever. i wonderwhat its like sometimes to jsut be able to make friends sso easily and not have to try reallyhard to just be anything and even then just to constantly be forgotten and never be abletokeep up i dont remember a single fgucking conversation where i havent just been fucking confused bc everyones always just so much more involved with each other and i jsut i dont know i want to disappear and ive always wanted to disappear and its like "well why dont you say anyhting" and you can count th enumber of times you've really really fucking trried over and over but it jsut at the end of the day thetruth is like you cant force people to like you and by like you i mean genuinely like you, genuinely bring you into things without it being a pity pull or some kind of awkward pressure adn for it to benatural like it is with everyone else and even now what does any odf that matter youre too tired youre too far gone youre fucking miserable and alone everyone else how do you get friends well i go to this place with my friends i- ok i dont know i stay at home alone im so exhausted i vcan barely move i go out sometimes i fucking end up miserable the onlything that ever happens is peoplejust being cruel and i dont have anywhere to go or anyhting to do i try everything and it jsut . id ont know i dont know i dont know whats wrong with me every fucking time i keep thinking about how much better off i'd be dead not just now but so many years ago how it would have never made a difference in the end how stupid i was for constantly giving it a chance when i knew deep, deep fucking down it meant nothing or i gave into the fucking societal pressure of it all like afucking moron. im going tokill myself and its the only thing i wanted and its the only thing i was meant to do and its the only answer. amen

[lessdecency]

december 08 , 2024

» this is my first post, i’m only using tumblr because i can hide behind a screen, nobody knows who i am, and i can talk to real people. i feel like i have nobody to talk to and don’t get me wrong, i know i do. i have plenty of friends that all say “im here when you need me” but i feel like that isn’t the case. i just don’t like reaching out and talking about my feelings. i have anxiety which makes it hard to talk about my feelings in fear of oversharing, overwhelming them, their issues being worse, being invalidated, or seeming like im attention seeking in a way. i really don’t try to do any of those things, i get carried away sometimes. i’m dealing with alot right now both mentally and physically. i feel like im going crazy. the guy i like is giving me so many mixed signals and it’s making me feel like im not worth it. i just lost my best friend and it feels like it’s entirely my fault because even my mom was defending her. “(friends moms name) says (friend) has been super depressed and barely comes out of her room now” im sorry it’s not my fault i dont know what im supposed to do about that, if i dont think she’s good for me mentally im allowed to think that. my mom hasn’t noticed ive been the same way simply because she does not give a fuck. i’m so drained. my sport, my family, my friends, school, everything. it’s all so draining. i’m constantly tired and i don’t want to do anything. i never want to go to practice and im always begging to stay home. school makes me sick to my stomach every monday because of my anxiety and i have to constantly work and work and work and work for 8 hours a day on subjects i know nothing about no matter how hard i try to understand and come home and get harped on about my grades that i try to fix constantly. its so stressful trying to balance everything. ive been clean from self harm for a little over 9 months but the urges have been getting so bad, im always crying, i dont think ive cried this much in one month since i was in 4th grade, its been almost impossible for me to cry until this year. i want to talk to someone about it SOOOO bad but i have a fear of reaching out and i just seem like an attention seeker every time. my closest friend is going through things way worse and i feel like if i try to vent to her it’s gonna seem like i want something to be wrong (if that makes sense?) ive been bottling everything up for over a year, and thinking about it makes my chest hurt physically. i dont know what’s going on with me but i dont like it and i just want to be happy again.

-lessdecency

» please please please give any advice you think might be helpful or useful and feel free to share your stories or dm me if you’re having a hard time and i will try my best to help you out!