#and dont even get me started on the severe mental illness i have that im not naming. i understand theres a lot about me that people have

[champagnesupernoel]

Was talking to my partner about this yesterday, but I often feel like the odd one out in circles with other trans people. The exception is other trans people who are also autistic. I know two other autistic trans people and I relate to them significantly more than other trans people.

I'm not trans to make friends with other trans people in the same way i don't go to work to make friends. We happen to co exist in the same spaces, but I am still an outcast. I think the only time I really think about it is when I'm judged by someone for not fulfilling some kind of stereotype or what they envision me to be. I have a severe mental illness and am autistic and both of which mean I do not behave in a way that is expected. I am (accidentally) off putting and sometimes overstep boundaries I'm not aware of and often distant.

I frequently have to tell cis people that while you can say or do certain things with me, most trans people would not appreciate that. And its nothing disrespectful in my world. I just don't always think of things the same way other trans people seem to.

Sometimes it's an odd feeling being the outcast in a group of outcasts but having something ive dealt with my whole life like autism it's not an unfamiliar feeling.

I highly value friendships that seem to understand how autism affects me. Being trans is so personal to me. I'm also very reserved in a lot of ways and don't view a lot of things other people's business. I know people who are more out spoken than me. Not just in a pride way. I'm openly trans, not stealth, I just don't feel a need to explain myself. I'm not trans for other people I'm trans for myself.

[anotherpapercut]

sometimes I feel like there's a narrative on here that like. people who work and live not with their parents in their 20s are somehow privileged and its really annoying as someone with 0 family and 0 built in support system lol

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Can someone come sit on my bed while I clean my room pls? Thanks and I love you <3

[raspberryjellybrains]

now how the fuck am I gonna get all of the gifted kid issues and none of the perks. I just get to second guess myself at every turn and feel either way over- or way under-qualified for every single thing ever. meanwhile all the adults in my life are telling me that I am going to singlehandedly live out all of their dreams and fix all of their problems and my peers tell me I'm not special and am, in fact, a freak and a loser. with none of the academic support! how does this even HAPPEN-

[transmutationisms]

serious question but do you personally believe there is a way to approach psychiatry in a way that uplifts and upholds patient autonomy and wellness or is the entire trade essentially fucked haha. Btw this is an ask coming from a 3rd year med student—with a background of severe mental illness—who is considering a residency in psychiatry after receiving life-saving care in high school pertaining to said conditions. (I have peers who have been involuntarily hospitalized and treated horribly in psych wards, with approaches i patently disagree with, but was lucky not to experience. I don’t like modern american medicine’s approach to mental illness; “throw pills” at it to “make it go away” ie. a problem of overprescribing, inadequate and non-holistic approach to mental health, and i feel a lot of that can be attributed to the capitalistic framework. I also def agree with you that so much of what can be considered normal human responses to traumatic events/normal human suffering can be unnecessarily pathologized—a great example being the whole “chemical imbalances in the brain is the ONLY reason why im like this” argument that ive unfortunately fallen hard for when i was younger and am still currently dismantling within myself…and like dont even get me started on this field’s history of demonizing POC, women, LGBT, etc). Like i deeply love my psych rotations so far, and i utterly feel in my gut that this is the manner in which i would like to help people—a lot of whom are just like me—but im wondering if there is a way to reconcile these aspects in a way that one can feel morally okay participating within such an imperfect system, in ur opinion… ngghhhhhh i just want to be a good doctor to my patients…

(ps i love all ur writing and analysis on succession!! big fan mwah <333)

i don't mean to sound unduly pissy at you, specifically, but i do have to say: every single time i've talked about antipsych or broader criticism of medicine on this website, i immediately get a wave of responses like this, from doctors/nurses/psychs/students of the above, asking me to, like, reassure them that they're not doing something immoral or un-communist or whatever by having or pursuing these jobs. and it's honestly frustrating. why is it that these conversations get re-framed around this particular line of inquiry and medical ego-soothing? why is it that when i say "the medical encounter is not structured to protect patient autonomy or well-being," so many people hear something more along the lines of "doctors are mean and i wish they were nicer"? why is it that it's impossible to discuss the philosophical and structural violence of academic and clinical medicine without it becoming a referendum on the individual morality of doctors?

i'm choosing to read you in good faith because i think it's possible to re-re-frame this line of questioning to demonstrate to you the sorts of critiques and inquiries i find more interesting and more conducive to patient autonomy and liberation. so, let me pick apart a few lines of this ask.

"is the entire trade essentially fucked?"

if you're thinking of trying to 'reform' the project of medical psychology within existing infrastructures and institutions, then yeah, it's fucked. if you're still assuming that affective distress can only be 'treated' within this medical apparatus (despite, again, no psychiatric dx satisfying any pathologist's understanding of a 'disease' ie an aberration from 'normal' physiological functioning) then you're not challenging the things that actually make psychiatry violent. you're simply fantasising about making the violence nicer.

"I don’t like modern american medicine’s approach to mental illness; “throw pills” at it to “make it go away” ie. a problem of overprescribing, inadequate and non-holistic approach to mental health, and i feel a lot of that can be attributed to the capitalistic framework."

i hate when i talk about psychotropic drugs being marketed to patients using lies like the chemical imbalance myth, and then pushed on patients—including through outright force—by psychiatrists, and the discussion gets re-framed as one about 'overprescribing'. my problem is not with people taking drugs. i am, in fact, so pro-drugs that i think even the ones administered in a clinical setting sometimes have value. my issue is with, again, the provision of misleading or outright false information, the use of force and coercion to put patients on such drugs in order to force social conformity and employability, and the general model of medicine and medical psychology that assumes patients ought to be passive recipients of medical enlightenment rather than active participants in their own treatment who are given the agency to decide when and how to engage with any form of curative or meliorative intervention.

'holistic' medicine and psychiatry do not solve this problem! they are not a paradigm shift because they continue to locate expertise and epistemological authority with the credentialed physician, and to position patients as too sick, stupid, or helpless to do anything but receive and comply with the medical interventions. there are certainly psychotropic drugs that are demonstrably more harmful than others (antipsychotics, for example), and some that are demonstrably prescribed to patients who do not benefit from them and are even harmed by them. conversely, there are certainly forms of intervention besides pharmaceuticals that people may find helpful. but my general critique here is aimed less at haggling over specific methods of intervention, and more at the ideological and philosophical tenets of medicine that cause any interventions to be imposed by force or coercion on patients, then framed as being 'for their own good'. were suffering people given the information and autonomy to actually choose whether and how to engage in any kind of intervention, some might still choose drugs! my position here is not one of moralising drugs, but making the act of taking them one that is freely chosen and available as an option without relying on physician determination of a patient's interests over their own assessment of their needs and wants.

"so much of what can be considered normal human responses to traumatic events/normal human suffering can be unnecessarily pathologized"

true, but don't misunderstand me as saying that drugs or any other form of intervention should be forcibly withheld from those who do want them and are made fully aware of what risks and harms seeking them could entail. again, this would still be an authoritarian model; my critique is aimed at increasing patient autonomy, not at creating equally authoritarian and empowered doctors who just have slightly different treatment philosophies.

"dont even get me started on this field’s history of demonizing POC, women, LGBT, etc"

ok, framing this as "demonisation" tells me that you're not understanding that, again, this is a systemic and structural critique. it is certainly true that a great many doctors currently are, and have historically have been, outright racist, trans/misogynist, ableist, and so on. framing this as a problem of a well-intentioned discipline being corrupted by some assholes is getting it backwards. medicine attracts prejudiced people, not to mention strengthens and promotes these prejudices in its entire training and practice infrastructures, because of its underlying philosophical orientation toward enforcing 'normality' as defined by 18th-century statistics and 19th-century human sciences that explicitly place white, cis, able-bodied european men as the normal ideal that everyone else is inferior to or failing to live up to. doctors who really nicely tell you that you're too fat are still using bmi charts that come from the statistical anthropometry of adolphe quételet and the flawed actuarial calculations of metlife insurance. doctors who really nicely deny you access to transition surgery are still operating under a paradigm that gives the practitioner authority over expressions and embodiments of gender. the issue isn't 'demonisation', it's that medicine and psychiatry explicitly attempt to render judgments about who and what is 'normal' and therefore socially 'healthy', and enforce those standards on patients. this is not a promotion of patient well-being, but of social conformity.

"i deeply love my psych rotations so far, and i utterly feel in my gut that this is the manner in which i would like to help people"

let me ask you a few questions. you say that you like your psych rotations... but how do your patients feel about them? is their autonomy protected? are they in treatment by free choice, and free to leave any time they wish? are they treated as human beings with full self-determination? if you witnessed a situation in which a patient was coerced or forced into a certain treatment, or in which you were not sure whether they were consenting with full knowledge or freedom, would you feel empowered to intervene? or would doing so threaten your career by exposing you to anger and retaliation from your higher-ups? what higher-ups will you be exposed to as a resident, and then as a practicing physician? could you practice in a way that committed fully, 100%, to patient autonomy if you were working at someone else's practice, or in a hospital or clinic? could you, according to current medical guidelines, even if you had your own practice?

when you say "this is the manner in which i would like to help people", what do you mean by "this"? can you define your philosophy of treatment, and the relationship and power dynamic you want to have with any future patients? is it one in which you hold authority over them and see yourself as determining what's in their 'best interests', even over their own expressed wishes? have you connected with patient advocates, psych survivors (other than your friends), and radical psychiatrists and anti-psychiatrists who may espouse heterodox treatment philosophies that you could consider? do you think such philosophies are sufficient for protecting patient autonomy and well-being, or are they still models that position the physician's judgment and authority over that of the patient?

"im wondering if there is a way to reconcile these aspects in a way that one can feel morally okay participating within such an imperfect system"

and here is the crux of the problem with this entire ask. you are wondering how to sleep at night, if you are participating in a career you find morally distasteful. where, though, do your patients enter into that equation? do you worry about how they sleep at night, after having interacted with a system of social violence that may very well have traumatised them under the guise of providing help? why does your own guilty conscience worry you more than violations of your patients' bodies, minds, and basic self-determination?

i can't tell you whether your career path is morally acceptable to you. i don't think this type of guilt or self-flagellation is fruitful and i don't think it helps protect patients. i don't, frankly, have a handy roadmap sitting around for creating a new system of medicine and health care that rests on patient autonomy. affective distress is real, and is not something we should have to bear alone or with the risk of having violence inflicted upon us. what you need to ask yourself is: how does the medical model and establishment serve people experiencing such distress? how does it perpetuate violence against them? and how do you see yourself countering, or perpetuating, such violence as someone operating within this discipline? what would it mean to be a 'good' actor within a violent system, if you do indeed believe that such a thing is ontologically possible?

[ronkeyroo]

A positive Update

Friends, kind folk - Hello Again 🤍

Ever since my last update post, I've been thinking about it , a lot ;; I knew I needed time to cook and reflect, and im so glad I gave myself that...

2024 started rough for me; I fell severely ill again - I was too busy cursing my life and dwelling over how betrayed I felt by things still not getting better despite my efforts that I didn't realize I was walking into a self fulfilling prophecy. Its true that the struggles I'm going through are yet to be solved, that its gotten so much to the point giving up seemed easier, and that a couple individuals haven't been making it easier on me either; I swayed and i rattled and I steered within feelings ranging from confusion to anger to dismay and all of this back and forth did nothing but remind me of yet another self-destructive loop I just don't want to allow in my life anymore. Its exactly the kinda stuff that made me ill to begin with, and I've been so lost dealing with everything in between that i forgot to tend to the actual core centering all of this...

It grew unbearable how much emotional and physical turmoil I was pushing myself into, and knowing how intertwined these two elements have been; I had to draw a line before i majorly screwed myself over, gathering any bit of inner will to discipline myself back into some sort of clarity, enough to at least look through a lens OUTSIDE my pain for once, towards the kind of life I want to lead, and the kind of life I don't; and I came to an understanding.

From my physical state to my mental, to the people and memories I've experienced, both the good and the bad - I want to prioritize the good.

Not in a shitty ass, toxic optimism kinda way but in a "I want to prioritize knowing and living the possibility that even when it hurts, even when i want to be gone, even when life doesn't align - There's still every good reason in the world to keep moving forward, to face things from a perspective of growth & compassion, and to grow to love the promise of a better tomorrow even when today was unbearable." To know that I don't end or begin in my suffering, that the infinite potential I speak so fondly of applies to me, as well...

I want to be able to wield and create and share that goodness, too, Especially when it is already in decline...And for all gods sake, to internalize that all of this STILL exists and STILL matters even when it doesn't work the first couple or dozens of times.

As for my place here in Tumblr...I know the sentiment might feel silly to some but the experiences, memories, and connections I've made here have truly been such a significant force in my life, and i don't want to give up on that ;; Not because of my own insecurities, or an inner state of hopelessness, and especially not over a bunch of emotionally immature Anons that dont know how to handle themselves; I want to forgive all of that.

I'm stubborn, and there's an unyielding force within me that no matter how many times it is struck down, it proved itself ridiculously resilient. I'm perking up with with a fiery confidence realizing just how many times it rose back up, enough to realize it is an unchangeable part of me ;_; I shouldn't underestimate that force, and I want to keep living by its side. Whatever positive change I can sprinkle onto my life and the lives of those I care for, I will! And the reason why this space in particular is so important to me, is because so much of that already exists here, alongside you folks;

THAT'S the kind of energy i want to nourish and walk into the new year with! I want to continue growing as a person, challenging my inner turmoils, undoing the self punishing dogmas that still haunt me, stop flexing my teeth over things that don't deserve my time and god DAMN, just - indulge in the stuff that makes me happy, even when I'm going through unhappy times.

So yeah...I guess that means, I'm back & I'm staying ;_;)🧡

I know i may seem like a broken record when it comes to expressing gratitude but - Thank you, thank you thank you everyone who have reached out for me, who so fondly kept me in their thoughts and kept encouraging me whenever i was hurting, both then and now...You folks mean more than whatever ailment or struggle I can go through, and while I'm unsure of how the future will look like as I'm still going through various challenges- I couldn't have asked for a cooler, sweeter audience to have by my side whenever Its time to take a rest or hype over our sexy delicious blorbos!

Speaking of which....................I have been cooking quite a lot of things in the time i was away 👀✨ I most definitely intend to serve them, eheheh

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Okay here's one. I really dont think I'm the asshole but my ex sure does.

AITA for refusing to buy my partner a jar of pickles?

So this story has like, a little background and some confounding factors i think but i really could go both ways on whether i was the asshole.

Ill start with both my ex (21nb) and i (23f) had severe mental health issues and were working on treatment when we were together. Theyd been in and out of inpatient stays throughout our three year relationship. Towards the Day of Pickles, i had my first inpatient stay where i got help i desperately needed to keep myself safe. This happened to be about a week after my 23rd birthday, but about two and a half weeks before their 21st birthday.

Anyway, at that time i had just gotten out of the hospital and started a new job at Joanns Fabrics (i outlived that retail fucker and im proud of it). I had been unemployed for the previous year and a half because of the pandemic and so the retail job was really my saving grace to have some sort of income to buy gas and groceries. My parents let me live rent free with them in their basement but i spent a LOT of time essentially squatting at my ex's dorm because my situation with my parents was not great.

Now my ex was also being financially abused by their mom so they had a monthly "allowance" of 200$ (of their own money they made at their on campus job) and no access to their bank statements. So i spent a lot of my own money on gas and groceries for both of us, and anything we wanted to do for fun, like visit the city. Without an income, this was SUPER stressful for me and i spiraled pretty hard with feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Supporting two people, even minimal living expenses, on an income of exactly 0$ is the WORST.

Anyway, i got out of the hospital and pretty much immediately went back to picking up as many shifts as i could at work because id been on staff for all of two weeks before hospitalization. Knowing retail, i was probably on the precipice of losing hours or being fired altogether.

My ex wanted me to take time off to celebrate their 21st birthday (they didnt celebrate my birthday that year) and travel to see their family and drink etc. I got scheduled for an inconvenient time. I would have to miss their birthday if i didnt find someone to cover. I managed to switch shifts with another coworker who was nice enough to let me have her morning shift, so i was able to at least travel separately and be a little late to dinner.

The night of their birthday my ex wanted to get drunk and so we went to the liquor store. Now im generally pretty picky about alcohol but if i get anything special i always get enough to share. Mysteriously, no one ever offers to share the expense or pay me back. So with all of 150$ in my account, i purchased enough alcohol for myself and the rest of the party, and a bottle of (cheap af) liquor for myself. I was broke af until my next paycheck and was pretty much planning on giving up meals and staying at home because the commute to work was shorter and meant less gas.

My ex picked out a jar of boozy pickles and asked if i would get it for them for their birthday. I should note that with all the stress i was under i had found a birthday present for them but hadnt actually placed the order (was waiting to get paid). I also didnt lie to them about this and had told them that i hadnt gotten their birthday present yet. They were upset by this and told me they felt like i didnt care about them, to which i snapped and raised my voice a little.

I gave them a bit of a reality check. I told them in no uncertain terms that i was under a lot of stress, from nearly killing myself to being flat broke with little to no help from my family other than a conditional roof over my head, ordering their birthday present wasnt super high on my list of things to do and that i knew what i was going to get them and that i intended to order it as soon as i had the money to do so. After years of the sole attention being focused on keeping them alive, i needed some support and acting like i didnt care completely ignored EVERYTHING i did to keep us both afloat.They cried and played the victim as they tended to do and i was too stressed to do anything but be angry.

So when they asked for the pickles i told them no. I have NOTHING left in my bank account, and anything that was in my account was already allocated for something else.

They told me i was being selfish for buying myself alcohol on THEIR birthday, not even getting them a present, yelling at them, and then refusing to buy the one thing they asked for, especially after i refused to take off work the day before to hang out with them and their family. In front of our friends.

I told them that i was purchasing the alcohol for the whole party, that the present had slipped my mind, and that they were accusing me of not caring about them when i snapped. Then i walked out.

My bff went outside to help me cool down and i told him what was going on and how stressed i was and he said that he agreed with me, it was childish to expect me to pay for everything with no help from anyone and then act like im unreasonable for having to put limits on what i can purchase.

My ex ended up getting so pissed by all of this they broke up with me two days later, saying that their birthday was the final straw for them after I'd been so codependent and relying on them too much to survive.

I think its all ridiculous given all of the stress factors i was dealing with at the time. I feel like we're all entitled to the occasional emotional outburst/bouts of forgetfulness when we're stressed. But my ex seems to think im a selfish asshole. We've been no contact for the last two years so this isnt like a pressing concern or anything but it does make me roll my eyes occasionally.

So tumblr, aita?

(Btw im also much more financially stable now that I'm fully and properly medicated and away from them.)

[shradsmanifestt]

hi, im sorry for bothering u right now. ive been asking around for advice everywhere because i really need all the help i could use right now. my anxiety is flaring up like crazy because my results come out tomorrow and im so scared because if i mess this up then my future is ruined. my mental health has been horrible and that has severely affected my grades but in most asian countries they dgaf about that and basically think it's nonexistant for minors so ofc i'm still undiagnosed, and if i were to apply to a uni i wouldnt get any good chances anywhere. if i could just get 3 Bs in my AS levels it would be okay or else i'd have to retake it and it's super costly here.. i don't wanna put my family through that because they'll talk me down, degrade me, destroy my self esteem which i've managed to build back a little. they were like this since when i was the topper and thats what made me burnout. undiagnosed adhd, trauma, depression also contributed to it

im applying the law, but instead of the feeling of success that everyone else gets i feel panicked. the 'feeling' people usually get when they're in the wish fulfilled state, the feeling of accepting it and it being real—im not getting that. i dont see a clear picture when i visualize. every time i try to, i end up breaking down and feeling like a failure... but I'm still trying to go on because why is it that the people who hurt me and practically ruined my life get to live successfully, while i suffer? thats not fair... i promised myself that if i could just get 3 Bs, ill turn my life around and work really hard... but is it over for me? i want to win, im trying to, but im scared

im trying my best to visualize myself getting 3 Bs, reenacting my friends faces when i get the results, praying to God and thanking Him for blessing me and continuing to bless me, but there is this fear still lingering at the back of my mind... i feel like I'm not doing it right. i have like one day left and I'm so nervous. im going over posts, tweets, and every time I feel a little better, it all comes crashing down because of doubts. theres only one thing one my mind right now: 'how am I gonna turn it around in one day?' i know that the 3D does not matter and that everything is done in imagination, but here i feel like its not done in imagination either

right now nothings clicking in my head, whatever i read is getting scrambled in my mind, i feel so lost and empty. could u please tell me what to do in this specific situation? u can be as harsh as you want if that's what's needed to get the point across. im really sorry for the bother and id be really grateful if u could please help out, ive never been this desperate before... my life cant be over before it even started

Hey love,

I get you, I really do but trust me when I say this.

THIS SHIT IS REAL AF. Manifestation is real af. It's as real as the fact that you are a human being. All you have to do is trust yourself that it is already done. If good results is what you want then that is exactly what you'll get. You need to choose to stop having doubts because it is already done. That is the simplest answer I can give you. Persist on what you want.

I am glad to tell you this but I just got test results for a major exam held in my uni today and I got into the 95th percentile just by saying to myself that my super power is aptitude tests and that I already scored great. In my friends group only 3 of us were eligible and I have 70+ more marks then them as well. If I can do it, you can do it. You need to stop doubting yourself. Atleast stop doubting manifestation. Cause at this point you're only gonna manifest your doubts.

I'll give you a scenario - If you're worried about getting bad grades, Trust me when I say this you're gonna manifest exactly that coz you will manifest exactly what you assume. You can choose to stop that right here, RN. Choose to accept that you got great marks. I mean don't even like aim for B's go for A's. I don't care even if you left the paper blank coz if you assume you're the topper, that is exactly what's gonna happen.

If you do get bad marks and I'm gonna be harsh here - You're the only reason why! You're gonna manifest exactly what you assume to be true even if it's good or bad. Your sc mind don't differentiate btw what's good for you or what's bad for you. It only knows what you feed it.

You got this, TRUST ME

Love, Shrads.

[veryinjuredperson]

i'm not sure how many people will actually see this post, but anyone who does, hi! i'm vip, and i have some pressing questions on my ol' mind!

so, i'm... severly mental ill, to say the least of it, diagnosed with depression, adhd, anxiety, bpd, professional suspicions of autism and ptsd, and personal suspicions of some sort of dissociative disorder.

to make this easier, im going to breakdown what's been happening...

so, i can't say i've ever noticed being GONE from the present per say, but it's more like... i'm sort of present at all times, but have different personalities or voices who crop up and direct me. my tones change, sometimes my accent changes, my mood changes, the words i use change, certain skill sets might change, thought processes change, etc.

i've struggled with identity for a long time, i just don't like to share that fact usually, particularly because it scares the shit out of me and also due to the fact that i am constantly telling myself that i must be an attention seeker and a faker and a liar, even though i have only spoken about my suspicions of potentially being a system with a single trusted person.

some voices have names, there are several who are at least based on fictional characters, and others who aren't... sometimes i can communicate more clearly between separate voices, and other times it feels like one train of thought that's jumping back and forth for a single mental conversation, like i say something and then respond to myself but it still doesn't feel like just me? i have had people point out that i'm acting different before, but i have a consistent stream of consciousness, so i feel like that's kind of... idk... i feel like that's not how systems work, is it? bc it's less like individual people who take the reigns and more like i am a sort of central core, and then there are little voices or influences, some stronger or bolder than others, who sort of... blend in with me? and influence what i'm doing... so like... i know what's going on, i feel in control, but i don't feel... normal?

if anyone has any way they can help me decipher some of this, please let me know. for now, i've taken to using plural kit and simply plural to log these personality shifts.

i do intend to speak to a psychiatrist and/or at least a therapist about this, but i haven't been able to get that far quite yet. any help in the meantime would be greatly appreciated.

( i have trauma, but a lot of my childhood from at least anything prior to 6th grade is rather blurry, there's memories here and there, some clearer than others, some just gone, i know i've had some pretty bad medical trauma all prior to the age of three, but also some beyond that, i know my parents have always fought a lot, i know that i never stayed in one school for longer than a single grade year, i know i had very inconsistent friendships, i know i played pretend or even "played games with myself" including "hide and seek" which was... generally just sad... but yeah, i do have trauma, i js dont know if it's enough to cause what happened? oh! i also started school a year earlier than most, so i turned 10 part way into 5th grade, i know a lot of sources say that this stuff had to happen prior to... 9? 7? it's unclear... but... just letting that be known )

[livingzomboy]

"Schizoposting" (said by a neurotypical edgelord who thinks hes hot shit) mfs when i start talking about how im actually dead and all my disabilities are because of my body starting rot late and the government wants to get their hands on my- wait what do you mean crazy dangerous freak? Arent you schizo? No you dont know what its like to experience reality in the horrifying way i do and you just want to demonize and poke fun at schizospecs, or even worse you want to intentionally trigger us so you have a fucking laugh. people make me SICK.

TLDR; Wishing all non-schizospec "Schizoposters" a very good development of severe mental illness that destroys your life and future

[freakinator]

I see a lot of Will Wood songs as Red-coded (and half of it is because I just think C!Red would like that music) so I'm very curious on why you think a lot of Will Wood songs are Kab-coded especially Hand Me My Shovel, I'm Going In!

okay so i dont actually listen to will wood that much so im just gonna list the songs that i Have listened to

warning this is really long like Really long, i may have forgotten stuff from past streams, i talk about several things such as mental illness in a symbolic sense rather than directly engaging with the message, and theres a bit of surface-level buddhism there as well

part 1 cause i exceeded the image limit lol

starting off with Hand Me My Shovel, I'm Going In!

aside from the running theme of psychology which kab is Very fond of, kab has a recurring problem of doing something objectionable only to have her not remember it the next day whether genuinely (hashtag adhd) or as a manipulation tactic (deliberately acting as though she doesnt remember parts of her conversations with zam one moment only to mock him for it the next) she also has a recurring problem of refusing to take the blame and directing it to something or someone else (mainly the accuser) for things she doesnt feel guilty doing that are objectively her fault (such as deliberately killing planet)

she had (possibly still has, still need to see what she does after the zam stream today) a desire for getting worse (being evil is not the same thing as getting worse btw, i would say before this stream going evil Was kab getting worse but after the stream today going evil is actually her getting better. i suppose i define getting worse as "doubling down" rather than any conventional sense of the word) which is something that she wanted to drag zam down with her as well after the consequences streams before she accepted the fact that she cares about him with her thoughts regarding him fitting the lyrics on these parts the desire to get worse originates from her desire to prove something, to other ppl yes but mostly to herself -- she feels the need to get worse because she feels the need to protect herself but feels as if the only way to do so is by being the most untrustworthy and manipulative person on the server and she keeps feeling the need to hold onto it tightly despite the fact that it has ruined her reputation, her quality of life, and her relationships because she feels as though it (and clown) are the only things she truly has on the server

in this part the genius annotation explains my thoughts well

Laplace’s Angel (Hurt People? Hurt People!)

in this part i think it connects well with how she felt from the start of the server up to the box arc the first two lines taken literally in regards to mane killing her, the red betrayal, and the woogie arguments and taken symbolically to represent her very intense trust issues that left her disconnected not only to her team but the rest of the players as well the later two lines is in regards to how her relationship with team mice went, at first she felt as though she carried the team in many ways even when it was hard for her, even when she felt as though it wasnt worth it, she kept trucking on until she couldnt take it anymore and decided she was gonna betray as soon as all pretenses collapse and clown offers to ally with her. but when red betrayed her first? she collapsed and threw everything away: her relationships, her former goals, and even her interactions with the entire server

in these parts i think it fits with her initial thoughts about the server which was reinforced by mane and red killing her: everyone is evil, everyone sucks, this is normal and natural and there is no way around it and trying to go agaainst it by being tender and vulnerable will only hurt you so i should become the worst mfer out there so i can never be hurt ever again

karma and her relationship with revenge

its so funny how this one lyric is so isolated from the other verses and choruses cause i think that fits kabs character very well: she wants help desperately but shes far too alone and resistant to other ppl to truly ever receive some for the things she actually needs help with

this is her basically every yap session shes had with zam (esp the 4th part lol)

Cotard’s Solution (Anatta, Dukkha, Anicca)

starting with the title, im not buddhist and have forgotten basically everything i learned about it so this may not be as nuanced as id like but nonetheless its connected to why i associate it with kab anatta - without self dukkha - dissatisfaction brought about by desires and attachment anicca - impermanence and eventual decay in buddhism we are trapped in samsara aka the endless cycle of birth, death, and rebirth brought about by anicca and avidya (ignorance) which brings with it dukkha, to achieve nirvana or permanence/freedom from samsara you must realize anatta and relinquish all desire and attachment in a lser context its very similar to the concept of the cycles and the worldenders but rather than trying to achieve anatta in order to reach nirvana they are instead trying to ensure that samsara keeps continuing, every apocalypse has been done with the knowledge that they can not only start over but that they Should start over, repeating the cycle all over again and actively denying nirvana because to acieve nirvana, emptiness, peace, goes against the very nature of lifesteal itself in a kab context (i will be ignoring how she uses karma cause its far more rigid, reliant on one person, and material-based than the buddhist definition of karma is, the consequences naturally brought about by the server is a far better demonstration of karma while kabs definition of karma would far better fit the concept of social justice instead) she has a lot of trouble with impermanence and attachment, with a much stronger fear of death compared to a lot of other players and having such severe trust issues that it genuinely makes her fear making attachments as it could possibly be used against er in some way. she also has a lot of trouble with her sense of self: constantly denying what she wants, always throwing plots and selves at the wall to see which one wold stick, which one would give her what she wants, which ones would keep her safe, resulting in her often having wants that are severely incongruous to what she needs not much to say from the cotards side of the title cause aside from her being one of the more paranoid and death-fearing members of the server she doesnt really have much of a "walking corpse" quality to her and i associate that part entirely with zam lol (honestly i associate this song with zam more in general as in he fits every line while kab doesnt fit certain verses lol)

i think this reflects her uncertainty with the server brought about by a visceral fear of death very well, she fears that doing the wrong thing will cause her to get punished, severely. the lost two lines in the first image in particular i think fit very well with her box arc

yet another part that i think summarizes her convos with zam lmao

Mr. Capgras Encounters a Secondhand Vanity: Tulpamancer’s Prosopagnosia/Pareidolia (As Direct Result of Trauma to the Fusiform Gyrus)

capgras delusion - delusional misidentification, commonly comes in the form of believing that someone close to you has been replaced by an indentical copy, there have also been cases where patients believe that time has been warped in some manner, aggression is common towards the perceived replacement prosopagnosia - a condition wherein you cant recognize faces/facial expressions pareidolia - pattern recognition of familiar objects in unrelated items such as faces in stains fusiform gyrus - a part of the frontal lobe with an unknown function that is directly linked to recognition kab sees the current her in past zam and vice versa in addition to all the traits they already have in common. kab also constantly reminds zam of joker while zam constantly picks and prods at kab until she becomes honest with him. theres also the fact that kab constantly misinterprets zam and the fact that zam does not like it when ppl remind him of himself due to the subject matter, the song has a running theme of fakery and replacement and indeed kab and zam are constantly questioning each other whether it be to gather information or to just figure out whats up with the other, trying to figure out what are the lies and what are the truths about the other with zam trying to remove kabs many masks and kab trying to reach deep withing zam, trying to find joker or whatever inner evil she seems to think he has

typical kab and zam behaviour honestly

Dr. Sunshine is Dead

honestly the whole song could be taken to metaphorically show kabs journey into adapting to lifesteals brutality

the song starts in media res with the singer character already having adjusted to the dark and fearful of sunshine but still unsure of themself, paranoid of shadows despite the fact that they were already in a dark room to begin with which fits kabs character whos already used to "eviller" smps but has yet to experience the horror that is being on lifesteal so although she already had a natural suspicion of kindness she nonetheless tried to seek it out despite herself only to find that the other lsers were already, in her own words, "broken" and "bitter" she constantly projects herself upon other ppl cause she sees the same patterns that shes done herself but with no context for why they act the way they do, assuming that its simply how the way they work whether by nature or nurture, which is reinforced not only by lifesteals very own reputation but also by the dramatic collapse of team mice -- an event that was theoretically avoidable but was realistically inevitable thanks to their backgrounds and personalities and already present lack of trust

i think this takes place after the mane and red killings she doesnt want to be boxed in and yet does so to herself both literally by imprisoning herself into an an obsidian box that contain reminders of her past and not allowing herself to get out of the box unless she was absolutely alone, and unintentionally metaphorically by not only defining her goals in relationship to someone else (woogie, red, and zam, not yet mane cause shes still too scared at this point) and seemingly being so tunnelvisioned to her goal that she misses many meaningful interactions between herself and the other ppl on the server

this is after she left the box zam wasnt there for her so she aligned herself with wemmbu and joined what would eventually become the california girls despite the fact that she hates wemmbu, shes gained Some confidence from teaming with who is arguably the servers most wanted and has decided to fully give in to her malice, basically going on her own joker arc, assuming the worst of everyone according to her intuition, and denying both to others and herself the fact that deep down inside shes still as scared as she was the day that mane killed her this is also when she starts moving mane up her list of priorities as hes not only the most active of his targets but hes also the one who keeps going after her

the same dilemma as the previous chorus except this time its fully metaphorical and intentional, she boxes other ppl in because its what she thinks is truth (her mind can only be changed if she was already unsure in the first place, otherwise she takes her knowledge as absolute truth), and she boxes herself in cause its what she wants-- or rather what she Thinks she wants, she wants to be evil but she still cares so when she starts targetting zam her facade starts to crumble

this is when kab keeps going after zam, finding that hes the only one left on the server who would not only listen to her but also not kill her kab heavily relies on her psychological analysis, intelligence, and willingness to play dirty due to the fact that its her only real weapon and when youre in a server like lifesteal its very important that youd have Some way of arming yourself so she uses it as often as possible shes become extremely cynical at this point and does not think she has anyone she can truly rely on except for clown... who hasnt logged on the server in months she keeps going after zam cause really what else is there to do? shes a psychological analyzer and she cant do that if nobody is willing to listen to her and may even kill her so she goes after zam cause she wants to be evil but would be unable to deal with the consequences of going after someone more willing to kill than him the whole time shes wearing not just one but several masks and yet zam manages to keep seeing past them so she unmasks her again and again and she doesnt like that and yet she got attached cause not only did he see past her and not only has he been relentlessly attacked by several ppl over and over again but hes also been Nice to her and it scares her cause Nice only means trouble so she tries to look for the evil within him: joker and yet despite that he keeps managing to see past her and her mask crumbles more and more, and she becomes stuck in between her wants and needs, her desires and fears, her mask and her real self, she wants to be evil So badly but she cares and she cant help caring and she cant deny it anymore shes unable to go back to who she once was

this is when she starts truly reevaluating herself, what she wants, and what she needs she realizes that she does not know nearly enough about the server to have her methods work, at least to the same extent as the other smps shes been in and that she needs to do a reevalutaion shes not trying to box herself in anymore, she realizes now that ultimately its not what she really wants so she decides she wants to try to bridge the gap made bwtween her mask and her true self with karma, a way to be the caring person she knows she is but still indulging in that malice she wants to foster and still heavily immersed in that ultimately bitter view of the server and way of living

despite everything shes still kab and shes still scared, whatever happens next happens next

[majorasnightmare]

continuing from my last post about tadpoles and brain damage and disability, and also on that whole "for Development Team reasons the party does not react to dark urge Lore Drops, but im interpreting it as character flaws anyways" dealio

immediately post absolute befuckening its like. the fucking DRAMA

because its a steadily increasing amount of Emergency Crises. like first of all astarion is now subject to vampire rules again and starts burning in the sun, so being the de facto leader dirge obviously rushes to shield him as best he can and drops a darkness cast on top of themselves, except hey. the worm thats been holding your brain together? just dissolved into thin air. fun fact about brain bleeds: it actually starts oozing down your esophagus, and only rarely leaks out from your eyes, and nosebleeds are typically a sinus capillary bursting from stress or irritation. it will on occasion leak from your ears, especially if its alongside a skull fracture (which will leak fluid from your ears first)

so id like to think that even before dirge starts showing symptoms, astarion starts to smell the blood on his breath, and then it just quickly spirals downhill from there as the wound reopens due to not healing properly in the first place. starts trying to find a way to get astarion to safety before trailing off and then gets increasingly heavy on astarion as he struggles to support himself, and it quickly becoming obvious something is Very Wrong. dirges injury not following explicit realism because Bhaalspawn and Drama, so even as it reopens its trying to properly heal, leading to oedema, the inflammation and swelling causing aphasia. so now your stuck about to be burned by the sun as soon as this cast is over, and the partys main crisis solver is now PART of the crisis, and steadily losing the ability to meaningfully communicate and becoming more and more of a dead weight

so now we have TWO crises, and one of them is the guy whos spent the past several months being the Guy Who Plans Our Way Out Of The Crisis. after spending so much time offloading the mental burden of problem solving onto this One Guy Whos Admittedly Pretty Good At It, now we have to handle an exponentially worsening situation. no telepathy cuz the worms are gone, so theres the struggle of trying to communicate whats happening quickly and clearly. no spell slots or resources cuz we just went through a boss rush. wylls all out of warlock juice cuz his pact with mizoras been fulfilled and she dipped. does an abandoned house count as public? run in, claim it, and invite astarion in while you support/drag dirge into the building, whos quickly becoming insensible, and then on top of all that we have to deal with karlachs engine. because anything that can go to shit right now, absolutely will

its like. everything gets offloaded onto him, because he cares and hes capable and hell get it done, so he makes the decisions and he talks to people and haggles with traders and gets them a free inn room and helps all their personal problems and life crises, and everytime he broaches the idea of asking for help for himself, it gets shut down. im having these urges for violence that really scare me, what do i do? its normal its fine it isnt anything to be scared of, everyone experiences this, just focus on killing whats in front of you. and then alfira dies and everyone pulls away, asks whats WRONG with you, and its like. oh. okay. i have to do this by myself. and if i dont, then ill fail, and people will pay the price, and the people i love will rightfully hate me for my lapse of control. and then no one reaches out, about the injury confirmed by omeluum, or about kressas torture, and further still they ask him to face the only two people left who ever knew him before he lost everything, and kill them. and he cant save either of them and has to choose his loved ones NOW over his loved ones THEN, and everyones too embroiled in their own issues to even really fully realize.

and then you cant ignore it anymore. you cant ask him how to handle this, what to do, have him guide your hand or comfort you, because now HES the crisis. the problem, confirmed a hundred times over by a hubdred different people, stares you in the face and refuses to be ignored anymore. the defining injury, the last remaining legacy of a past you never really reckoned with because you sat on the sidelines for it, the last echoing rattle of a ghost you never thought about, is now here to claim the friend who saved your life without asking a single thing in return, and its doing so explicitly because YOU never once thought about it or how to handle it. and now its all coming down around you on what should have been your final victory, but you never tried to tie these threads up!! and if you dont figure something out NOW, your going to lose EVERYTHING

like god. i love it. i think everyone should have to sweat, and try for just a day to handle the sheer load of bullshit dirge had to deal with daily. like it isnt enough to care when he doesnt ask anything of you, now you have to put your money where your mouth is and do it of your own volition cuz now he cant ask for help. and not just him but you have to save your other two friends having their own crises concurrently, all while feeling woefully unequipped and worn down and exhausted, and maybe think about how youve never seen him sleep except in those brief and short rests you take while on the road, and how he has to bury his face in blankets every morning to hide from the sun or else hell vomit, and how much medicine he has to take just to do the same shit you do every day.

and like. of course all the origin characters are CAPABLE of leading! its just that theyre never made to in the same way they are during an origin playthrough, cuz in those there isnt a tav or a durge to save them for them. they have to do it themselves, and help carry everyone else besides. but that just adds to it for me, like you COULD have done something to help this earlier, but you didnt, because this was easier and didnt seem to have any consequence because.. what exactly?

that he just seemed inhumanly durable? he could handle it, he could do it, hes been doing fine so far, if he needed help hed ask for it (nevermind that youve forgotten that when he did last time, you wrote him off and then didnt connect the dots between a bard dying in camp and the upsetting scary violent urges he asked for help with before. do you ever wonder how scary it might be to wake up having absolutely zero control over your body and the actions it takes and seeing that, without your awareness, you killed someone you wanted to journey with? brutally, violently, sadistically murdered her, all without even a shred of awareness. you cant be trusted to lose control of yourself for even a moment), if he wanted to talk about what happened with kressa hed say so, if there was something to say about his injury it wouldve been said, if he ever reached out to me id have helped him like he helped me, but you didnt and you didnt and you didnt and now everythings going to shit and you dont know what to do because your first instinct is to ask him but you dont even know if hes conscious anymore, laid out on omeluums desk and steadily bleeding where you cant stitch it closed, and you have to make sure astarions okay, that karlachs okay, that your all okay, and he did this every day this whole time.

like personally i really just enjoy putting the party through their paces, JUUUST a lil bit

[xxbl33d1ngb0y2xx]

~~intro post~~

hi i’m julian or jules :> this is a blog about my life, it started as a vent blog and it’s kind of still that but i also post random shit that shows up in my brain, i’m mostly an edblr/mentally ill tumblr blog tho

i also have a side blog where i post my art! it’s @bl33d-w0rdz-cry-1nk

i have anorexia and i’m not in recovery but im pro harm reduction and pro recovery for ppl who are ready. i tag all my ed related posts with #tw ed, i dont post any kind of spo but i do post daily intake logs and body checks which i put under a read more. i also have arfid and im in recovery from self harm (mostly cutting), bulimia, opiate addiction and alcoholism.

boundaries

i don’t really have a dni beyond if you romanticize deadly disorders and purposefully trigger people without warning (cough cough coquette/nymphette ana blogs cough cough “girlblogging”) then fuck off, don’t be a creep and if i see you saying bigoted shit i’ll block you

i am NOT looking for an ana coach. my disorder is my own and i don’t need “help” restricting.

moots, please tag:

sh pics/descriptions (#tw sh)

csa and cp mentions (#tw csa, #tw cp)

unreality (ie. “is this person even real?” or “what if [thing] is actually just in your head”) (#tw unreality)

mentions of abusive therapies or medical practices (#tw medical trauma, #tw medical malpractice)

i’m always open to asks and dms, sometimes it takes me a while to respond because i’m bad at talking to people but i really do appreciate moots reaching out :3

i’m a did system and i do post about that occasionally but we don’t introduce individual alters for the systems safety and privacy. please don’t ask about alters names or identities or who’s fronting during a given post, it makes us uncomfortable.

stuff about me :3

my special interests are storytelling, mineralogy and music! i play piano, viola, electric and acoustic guitar, bass, drums and i sing and write songs. i also do theatre. i stopped acting in musicals after i barely got through my last one due to health issues and i don’t know when i’ll be able to perform in them again but i still act in straight plays and i do stage management and tech. my favorite tech roles are spotlight operating and lighting design :>

i’m a therian and my theriotypes are raccoon and domestic tortoiseshell cat

i love animals, i have two black cats named holly and jackie and i ride horses! i don’t have my own horse but want to own one someday :3

my favorite people are my girlfriend Rose, my little brother and my best friends Ivy and Sparrow and i talk abt them on here sometimes

for more context about the stuff i complain about, i have autism, selective mutism, adhd, anxiety, depression, early onset bpd, schizzoaffective bipolar type and DID. im also physically disabled, i have POTS and ehlers danlos syndrome with severe chronic pain and i currently need a cane to get around sustainably.

[klapollo]

i dont talk about my ocd much because im blessed enough to have worked hard enough at my ERP and taking my meds for a long time that it doesnt really interfere with my life too badly right now but it ruined me for a long, long time. i lost many years of my life -- especially my early adulthood -- to it. my grades suffered. my social life was nonexistent for a long time. i missed out on so many things i'll never get back.

there were months where all i would do was sit on the couch and literally scream at the top of my lungs because i was constantly doing mental compulsions and i wanted to silence my intrusive thoughts. ive had nearly every theme you can imagine -- contamination, scrupulosity, sexual OCD, real event OCD, numbers, superstitions. i only really got to a point where i could finally function about two years ago, after being in and out of a deep haze since i started college, and i still struggle from time to time with some things.

i guess what im saying here is if youre in the throes of severe mental illness right now, even if it's been years, youre not hopeless and you can find a way to live with it. i'll be fighting this battle for the rest of my life and i have to be constantly vigilant to avoid relapsing, and there's a good chance i will anyway, but i like to think i get stronger every time i fight it off again.

[codecicle-archive]

If you don't mind me asking how did you get top surgery at 15? Not that there's a problem with that! Its just really cool thay you were able to, i dont think ive heard of that before

Ah, really it was all the work of my wonderful amazing mother! In all honesty, I would never be even CLOSE to being this happy if it wasn't for her and everything she did to keep me safe and let me transition. Short answer: I got lucky with living in the transgender shield of New York because my parents are rad and moved us up there

Long answer: Quite a few things actually! For starters, I was lucky enough to live in a state that allowed it, and I had proof of being dysphoric from a young age through therapy records and mental health checks. (<- not Necessary, but definitely helped my case! the government LOVESS the mentally ill lmfao) Really when medically transitioning, you need a few things on a list.

1: A letter of recommendation from a therapist (I've been through Several, so no problem there! Just need proof from a mental health professional that you are who you say you are, and you're not going to regret the change)

2: A letter from your general practioner/medical provider, signing off on the surgery (this will actually happen Several Times. but you need one to start off the whole thing)

3: If you're a minor, proof that you're fully developed puberty-wise, through a physical exam with your doctor!

Then, you take all of those to a plastic surgeon. I had an amazing doctor that took wonderful care of me and did a perfect job with the surgery, and I'd really recommend doing a metric shit-ton of research on whatever surgeon you end up choosing! The best bet most often is whatever other trans people recommend. This surgeon will then sign off on it, and you'll book some dates. In my case, there was 2 pre-op meetings! One where they looked at my chest and decided on the best procedure to use, and one where they had my mother fill out consent forms and book the date of the final surgery. (Again, assuming it's a minor like me going through this process, it's likely they haven't been through a surgery before! So there might be one more appointment with a doctor where they check your general muscle strength and how well you'll recover from the anesthetic/surgery in general. Really easy check-up, that typically functions as a less invasive physical)

It's a long, time consuming process that's very fuckin expensive lmao, but I promise you it's worth it. It's so very very worth it. I could go into all the little details of every step of the process and all the hoops I jumped through, but it can and will vary from person to person! Again, I just got very very very goddamn lucky with a family that supports me and was willing to help me as much as they have. Im the luckiest guy on the planet I'm pretty sure. Everyday I get to wake up in the body I've always wanted to have and feel amazing about it.

[t4transsexual]

have you ever dated cis women? when did you decide to be t4t?

i have dated a couple of cis women, one for a little while and we didnt get on because she was one of those fems who doesnt want their butch/masc/transmasc partner to have feelings and needs and also didnt want me to say no to sex and we didnt last long because i was deeply unhappy with her

as for when i decided to be t4t, i guess its probably about time i open up about the specific instance(s) that lead to me deciding to be exclusively t4t, because i havent actually talked about what pushed me to make the shift into exclusively dating trans people. i was trying to run a more positive page and frankly i wasnt really ready to talk about this so publicly, especially with the terf/transphobe interaction i get almost all the time on this account, but i figure i can now and ill probably turn off replies if i can figure out how

tw for graphic description of sexual assault and transphobia under the cut

when i started medically transitioning, i decided to try dating guys again. keep in mind i had a lot of comphet before deciding i was t4t; i basically only really beat that around 2022 when i turned 20. and i matched with a cis guy on tinder, who looked like he had a lot of personality judging by his photos i was 18, almost 19 at the time

literally the first thing this man says to me, after i tell him im trans, is "oh, cool, i love femboys." red flag #1. i said, "im not a femboy, i present masculinely, dont call me that." he apologized, and we moved on

at some point, we're talking about sex. he says hes very subby and a size queen. all fine, i told him i was a stone top/dom, i didnt really like experiencing penetration and it was painful for me due to a condition i had at the time. he says thats fine, everythings good. this will be important later

later, he tells me he told his parents i was trans. i asked him why, given that he both didnt ask me first and said his parents were transphobic. he says "my mom asked, was i just supposed to lie?" i say, yes. he apologizes, i /really/ want to call the whole thing off at this point but he seemed nice enough that maybe he just didnt know trans dating as well as i did

the entire relationship, he just says transphobic shit. he told me that he "understood why people didnt want to date trans people, because its a lot of baggage." he was an active alcoholic by the way. and also dating a trans person. he would neg me for being trans and then turn around and say that i was such a hot guy. he even misgendered me one time, and got upset at me for getting pissed about it, and made me believe i was overreacting. he made me believe that he was doing me a favor by ever dating me

at some point, we're at my parents house, and he tells me he wants to fuck me with his penis. i tell him no, that i dont want to, that i dont know about it, that im scared, pretty much anything i can say to get him to reconsider, but he argued and said itd be good for me and that i can choose which hole but it became very clear to me that i had no choice. so i said he could fuck my pussy

it was excruciating. it hurt so bad, but i knew i couldnt say no. he couldnt stay hard unless he was degrading me and i didnt want him to, so he kept making me jerk him off so he could keep raping me

eventually he stopped, and i wasnt even really aware i had been raped at first. ive been sexually abused by several people in my life and generally it has taken me a while to accept when ive been sexually abused by a person. so we kept dating like normal, long distance btw, but my mental health was deteriorating. i was suicidal for the first time in a while. i was self harming again. i couldnt stop thinking about killing myself.

eventually, he breaks up with me for being suicidal. he says im guilt tripping him or something, i dont remember. and that was december of 2021

we go no contact. i still dont realize he raped me. but i knew that there was something deeply wrong in the way our relationship was

right after him, i dated a trans woman who we went to the same high school. just the difference in how i was treated by her than by him, with her she treated me like i was an actual equal in the relationship. with him, he felt he was superior to me; like he "owned" me, or something

we broke up, we werent really compatible, but when i got with her, she taught me what being t4t was, and the implicit understanding and the comfort and safety i felt. after we broke up was when i decided i didnt like men, and still remained t4t after

i realized what he did to me was rape nearly a year later. he correctively raped me for being a stone top, more specifically, and i dont think he wouldve been "empowered" to rape me if i was a cis man, or even a cis woman. i understand that the "off" feeling i felt throughout that relationship was because he, as a cis person, felt superior over me as a trans person, and felt that if he wanted to fuck me, i shouldnt get a say. he talked about doing other actions to me that i didnt want done at the time, certainly not by him, and if we werent long distance, he probably wouldve raped me several more times

being with my current girlfriend, we click in a way that i havent felt with any cis person, the women included. she definitely isnt going to rape me for being trans. ive undergone physical therapy so that if i ever got raped again, it wouldnt hurt as bad, and it worked and ive actually enjoyed bottoming (consensually) with my girlfriend. she makes me feel very safe, and we understand each other and each others needs as trans people very well, and being with her has helped me process the time i was raped, and the several other times ive been sexually abused by other people

now that ive had time to process these things, i would say that i dont feel the same way around trans people (including me) dating cis people anymore. when i first started this account, i wouldve never admitted this then btw, i fully did not think trans people should date cis people, because i had fostered such a deep distrust of cis people as a result of that whole relationship and assault. i believed cis people would always be bad partners to trans people, but i dont believe that anymore. in the very unlikely circumstance i find myself single again, i may even consider dating a cis woman again. but probably not, because ive grown to really like the implicit understanding that we as trans people get with other trans people

thats why im t4t, and when i became t4t was around the beginning of 2022