#and by generally I mean by nearly always
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April Malec fic rec!
Thanking @just-add-butter and @ariella9melody for this month's theme which is a double combo of "Outsider's POV" and "Let Alec have friends!" The same rules apply as always, one fic per author, even though all of these authors have other brilliant fics you should be reading and if you want to add your own recs in the comments, tags, or reblogs please feel free to do so! 😊
Also, I have tagged the authors whose Tumblr account I know, but if you'd prefer I not tag you, please tell me! I don't want these to be annoying for the authors.
One-shots:
Enthrallment by @smilebackwards: Magnus' magic being possessive and warlocks reacting to Magnus' magic being possessive, what more could you want? OC POV!
Summary:
It does look a little bad, Parmela thinks, looking at it from outside. As more specialists had been called in for consultation, they’d decamped to one of the larger conference rooms—eschewing attendance at A, B, AB, & O: The Impact of Blood Type on Non Subject Specific Blood Magic, because this was vastly more interesting and potentially important—and there are a round dozen high-level warlocks clustered around Alec, poking at him with magic. Or: Alec attends the Magical Inventions and Advances convention in hopes of recruiting warlocks for another Downworld Cabinet. The warlocks, however, are more interested—and concerned—by the blue magical aura following Alec around.
And I am breaking my own rules by rec-ing a second fic by smilebackwards: Portable Magic
Summary:
Magnus may go slightly overboard helping Alec set up for the book club gathering. Technically, perhaps, he didn’t need to create a signature cocktail or barter a favor to Raphael for O neg blood for the vampires or source the biscotti directly from Italy. But hospitality is important and these are Alec’s friends. He wants to make a good impression. Or: Alec is in a Downworld book club and Magnus finds this unaccountably fascinating.
I'll die on this (Under)hill by @clottedcreamfudge: like all of the fics written by clottedcreamfudge, this fic is downright hilarious. That said, poor Underhill. Underhill POV!
Summary:
The point is, Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood clearly have an intimate knowledge of each other, and it has never once impacted on their work. What it is beginning to impact on, however, is Andrew’s sanity. Because apparently he really is the only one to have noticed it.
Be careful with my best friends heart by TheLostLightwood: A fic in Cat's perspective, who I maintain is one of the best characters in the series and we needed more of her! Cat POV!
Summary:
Catarina Loss had known Magnus for a long time, she had seen him cry, laugh, mourn, get injured and fall in love many times before. But she had never seen him more in love or more broken than she had in this moment. Cat's POV, as Alec is seriously injured in a fight against demons. And Magnus well he...
Alec's Little Ducklings by @to-the-stars-writing (this will be one of two recs for to the stars because I am being very bad at keeping to my rules this time around). Alec gets hurt and all of his friends appear to take care of him!
Summary:
After Alec's hurt coming home from the Hunter's Moon, he's left laid up in bed when the drug they gave him prevents his injuries from being healed by angelic or magical powers. Magnus is fully prepared to do take care of his stubborn boyfriend, only to find out that there are a few other people who are more than willing to offer their help.
the right thing by @cuubism: As the summary says, Alec's first speech as the Inquisitor doesn't go exactly as planned. Izzy POV!
Summary:
Alec's first speech as Inquisitor doesn't go exactly as planned.
nock. draw. release by chaidrivenwhore: A non human POV, but a weapon POV! Alec's bow to be specific!
the bow and arrows had tempted many, but this specific one, with its curved limbs engraved with angelic runes and sharp arrows, straight and unbending, had called out to a nine year old alexander lightwood like no other had.
Multi-chapter fics or series:
Families of Choice by MonPetitTresor, a recommendation made by @ariella9melody that I can only agree with because this fic is wonderful (as are all fics my MonPetitTresor).
Summary:
Life at the Institute takes a turn for the worse for Alec. When he's alone with nowhere else to turn, his siblings step up and help him find his feet once more with help from a few new friends along the way. Between them, Alec finally gets a chance to realize that the world doesn't begin and end with being a Shadowhunter, and there's more out there for him, so long as he's got the courage to reach out and grab it.
ask the always impossible of me by @faejilly: Some very nice Aline and Alec friendship!
Summary:
Just for one night, a magical ball where anyone can meet, when anything is possible... And that's just the beginning.
Running from the Night by @to-the-stars-writing: I love how Stars depicts Alec's struggles with his mental health and there are a lot of friends for Alec in this one!
Summary:
For a long time, Alec had felt like his life was held together by strings tied on him by the Clave, his parents, his siblings. Strings that pulled and tugged him in every which direction, heedless of the bruises and blood left behind. As much as they hurt, some days they’d been the only thing to hold him together. That is, up until the moment Alec stood on the shores of Lake Lyn and faced the death of the one person who held a piece of his soul, and the lies that followed his mysterious resurrection. There, on the shores of Lake Lyn, those strings finally pulled too hard, and Alec broke. With the permission of the Inquisitor, and the help of the warlock who Alec had wanted so desperately to allow himself to fall for (and had been terrified to do more than smile at his flirting) Alec walked away from everything and everyone. He left New York behind and made himself a home in the small town of Prayer – a joke Magnus found particularly funny. But, two years after that fateful night, Alec’s old life comes knocking, and those strings he thought he’d finally cut are tugging him home. Back to the place he never wanted to have to see again. At least this time, he’s not facing it alone.
#fic rec#these ended up mainly being one shots#and outsider POV's#because most of the Alec friendship fics involve Alec being best friends with Clary#and I just don't like her as a character#so I generally skip those#and by generally I mean by nearly always#the Alec's ducklings being an exception#just for the other characters involved#my life would be so much easier if my brain didn't go NOPE each time a Clary & Alec friendship got mentioned tbh
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Gael García Bernal in Fidel (2002, dir. David Attwood)
Gifs are all 540px wide so you can click to see larger.
[other gael filmography gifsets]
#gael garcía bernal#fidel#fidel 2002#ggb filmography gifs#gael is in this less than you'd think given that he has second billing and at one point it got a re-release under the title 'Fidel and Che'#that's marketing for you#it's a fairly by-the-numbers fidel biopic that tries to cover nearly fifty years of history in 200 minutes#and i imagine didn't really have the budget it needed#once batista is overthrown it's mostly people sitting around talking in dimly-lit rooms (actually i suspect just one dimly-lit room)#gael is 22 here and playing che from 25-38 so he's a very youthful-looking late thirties by the end#but look at him in the beard and beret and you can see why people kept casting him in the role in the early 2000s#i mean apart from the generally sound principle of 'if you can cast gael in your project always cast gael in your project'#cw violence#cw guns#gael garcia bernal
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Concerning the conversation about love and hatred, I've compiled a few of the lines I've saved through these last two years that at times make me think of Jack when it comes to this topic
Estas manos, que son tuyas,
pero que al verte quisieran
quebrar las ramas azules
y el murmullo de tus venas.
¡Te quiero! ¡Te quiero! ¡Aparta!
Que si matarte pudiera,
te pondría una mortaja
con los filos de violetas.
¡Ay, qué lamento, qué fuego
me sube por la cabeza!
(...)
¡Ay qué sinrazón! No quiero
contigo cama ni cena,
y no hay minuto del día
que estar contigo no quiera,
porque me arrastras y voy,
y me dices que me vuelva
y te sigo por el aire
como una brizna de hierba.
.
Love has no middle term; either it destroys, or it saves. All human destiny is this dilemma. This dilemma, destruction or salvation, no fate proposes more inexorably than love. Love is life, if it is not death. Cradle; coffin, too. The same sentiment says yes and no in the human heart. Of all the things God has made, the human heart is the one that sheds most light, and alas! most night.
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It is sometimes said that the sword wears out the scabbard. That is my history. My passions have made me live, and my passions have killed me.
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Stronger than lover’s love is lover’s hate. Incurable, in each, the wounds they make.
I adore you, but I hate you too. You’re a prison smothered in flowers. I can’t stand this enchantment anymore, I can’t stand being bewitched like this–when I look at you, my gaze turns to nothing but a mirror of light, I’ll stare at you hypnotized for ages, and when I stop seeing you I’ll feel you, and when I stop feeling you I’ll die.
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Someone tells me: this kind of love is not viable. But how can you evaluate viability? Why is the viable a Good Thing? Why is it better to last than to burn?
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Life is a series of obsessions one must do away with. Aren’t love, death, God, or saintliness interchangeable and circumstantial obsessions?
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she is the only thing of importance, because I have a God-relationship to her.
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it is not she who binds me, but I who have made use of her to bind myself.
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The thought that you exist is so divinely blissful in itself that it is ridiculous to talk about the everyday sadness of separation—a week’s, ten days’—what does it matter? Since my whole life belongs to you.
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What have you done with me? he asks. I have repeated you.
.
But I do feel strange-almost unearthly. I’ll never get used to being alive. It’s a mystery. Always startled to find I’ve survived
Walking home, for a moment / you almost believe you could start again. / And an intense love rushes to your heart, / and hope. It's unendurable, unendurable
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I clung to him as though only the one who had inflicted the pain could comfort me for suffering it.
I could be free … If I could pluck out the memory of him from my heart as easily as his heart was plucked from the fire, I could be free.
.
I am imprisoned by devotion. I shy away from people. I am alone. I fall into depression.
She was the world That he was losing; and the world he sought Was all a tale for those who had been living, And had not lived. Once even he turned his horse, And would have brought his army back with him To make her free. They should be free together. But the Voice within him said: “You are not free. You have come to the world’s end, and it is best You are not free. Where the Light falls, death falls; And in the darkness comes the Light.
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I miss you like a knife in my throat.
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Only love can save me and love has destroyed me.
Should I be grateful or should I curse the fact that despite all misfortune I can still feel love, an unearthly love but still for earthly objects?
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My songs are filled with poison - Why shouldn’t that be true? My heart bears a nest of serpents And also, darling, you.
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their love is like hatred
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She did not yet love him enough to be cruel to him.
.
our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love
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under the sincere guise of hatred I simply loved […], only in this type of love (repulsion) I loved him with greater strength than had I loved him in the simplest form — attraction.
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Perhaps he was handsome, perhaps I found him attractive, perhaps he repelled me too.
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Struck by the abstract nature of absence; yet it’s so painful, lacerating. Which allows me to understand abstraction somewhat better: it is absence and pain, the pain of absence—perhaps therefore love?
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Eroticism is the brink of the abyss. I’m leaning out over deranged horror (at this point my eyes roll back in my head). The abyss is the foundation of the possible. We’re brought to the edge of the same abyss by uncontrolled laughter or ecstasy. From this comes a “questioning” of everything possible. This is the stage of rupture, of letting go of things, of looking forward to death.
.
Love is madness. Doesn’t everyone agree that you’d do anything, endure anything, to be with the ones you love? So either you’re willing to let them use you with any sort of cruelty, so long as they keep you—which makes you a fool—or you’re willing to commit any cruelty, so long as you get to keep them—which makes you a monster. Either way, it’s madness.
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This madness is so deep-rooted and so useful that it is impossible to realize what would become of each of us if it were someday to disappear.
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If I must die of fire, why not let me die of yours: knowing that you are the author of my doom will make it more endurable to me
.
His desire for loyalty was naive, he hadn’t understood that being loyal wasn’t so tidy, being loyal means being disloyal to everything else.
.
I have always loved you / Always dreaded you
You will betray me, as I have betrayed, / And I shall kiss the hand that does me wrong
.
Listen: the way I loved you / was like my palm over a flame.
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If I have the destruction of something that I once loved to carry with me at all times, isn’t it like I still have a companion?
.
One can fall in love and still hate.
.
and I will kill thee, And love thee after.
.
Yet, other characters, namely Heathcliff, Catherine, and Lockwood, remain more actively at war with love in their adult lives. Some force, as inexorable as the wind sweeping over the moors, seems to have bent their lives into a pattern of frustration that their own struggle for relief only aggravates. Their need for love is expressed, not through loving, but through the anguish of loneliness. Paradoxically, though they do not know it, this loneliness is the one condition necessary for the fulfillment of their most profound fantasy concerning perfect love: a love, that is, perfectly protected against the threat of abandonment that in childhood these sufferers learned that love entails.
.
I feel you there, in every pore. Your silence clamors in my ears. You can nail up your mouth, cut your tongue out — but you can’t prevent your being there. Can you stop your thoughts? I hear them ticking away like a clock, tick-tock, tick-tock, and I’m certain you hear mine.
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris? nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
I hate and I love. Why do I do this, perhaps you ask? I do not know, but I feel it happen and it is excruciating.
#These were just the ones I had more at hand. I have so many lines linking to this kind of dynamic#and overall the paradoxical yet logical bond between love and hatred or resentment#I think Cathy's and Heathclif.f's relationship has a lot of this but in general Wutherin.g Heigh.ts is full of these dynamics#(I adore what is going on with Isabella when we last see her in that regard. How true‚ the fact that these loves get messy)#Charles and Adam and even Cal and Aron from Eas.t of Ede.n too#I think there's much of this explored in certain arthuria.n texts#Overall it's something I adore. The blurring of lines when it comes to feelings and relationships#To me it feels way more human and way more... realistic#How things blur into each other and get messy and dark even at times and hard to define#I don't know... I really think the fandom as a whole is always paying too much attention to that line without reading the entire text#I also dislike the claims about Jack ever only loving her and doing it all for her ✨💕 I also think it simples a lot what it's happening#But it doesn't bother me nearly as much because I don't see it that often#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#'too much attention to that line' I mean the one about hating her#Full of typos but I can't bother to change them I'm feeling very lazy#Tumblr never implemented the tag modification for the app. A pity
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oughhhhhhhhhhhh........ 89 F days in early May..........
#like 77F inside my ROOM right now whilst I try to get ready for bed and such.. DESPITE putting like layers of cover#over the windows and blocking the sun out for nearly the entire day.................................... evil#which I know is not bad compared to some places I guess but just...grrr....#Wild that one of my primary life goals and unreachable dreams is just ''live in a place with good air conditioning'' lol#No 'dinky little ac you have to tediously install in the window' that will be loud and annoying and keep you awake#and you can hear everyhting outside all the time and etc. etc. no.... the entire house... on one big air conditioning system....#imagine.............#Some news station posted a status like 'yaay summer weather! hope everyone has fun at the parks this weekend!''#... posts written by people who must live in some alternate reality or something ghjbhj...#One persons ''hellish doom pit of misery'' is another persons ''fun tee hee outdoor activity weekend~'' I suppose#I mean its also that my health problems just make me overly heat sensitive so there is SOME practical reason behind my preferences#also.. but even before I had as many physical issues. I just always loved that type of weather so much more and generally didn't like heat#MY version of ''OOh nice weather to go outside in!!!'' would be like.. 40F and partly cloudy. or gray skies misty and 60F or so. lol#... misty with gray skies my dearly beloved.... fog...... hail.... precipitation in general.... my closest ally and companion#... now I am daydreaming about them (cold weather conditions)...
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i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#cw health#cw heart#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it#i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help#sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me#he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me#sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree#have i Ever actually relaxed#hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch#anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things#a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal#so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now#and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser#i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever#if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked#all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is#every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse#anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches#‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now#i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC#which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it#i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead#anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about#i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father
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#oh google. how do i fight the Melancholic Aches#y'know i'd nearly forgotten it was fall#until i got sick. n it was actually cold for about two or three days in a row sdkfjghfdg#n i dunno#something something your body remembers things before you do#n it feels. like if emotions were waves and i were standing at the shore. the waves were calm up till now n#now it feels like i was pulled in out of nowhere and my lungs are full of saltwater and it's sloshing around my heart and weighing it down#it's always this time of year#is that like a universal thing? or is it just coincidence#it's like this every year. (i mourn the previous) and just generally get caught up missing things#and then you couple that with all the other given circumstances and how *lonely* it's been lately. i mean how Really. lonely it's been#because like. the years up til now (i thought) were manageable. like 2020-2022#(even though shit kind of hit the fan anyways. dfkjhfdgh. it's at least a little easier with people you love around. and it's at least a li#easier when you think they'll stay)#n now i'm just a lil lost and scared. and tired and i ache. and i am just a little sad#...#i try to make the best of things nowadays but it's just a bit much today n that's okay. there's always tomorrow#m'gonna go make some tea#sap says#i've been thinking of making a separate blog for poems and thoughts but quite frankly i can't be bothered rn. skdjfhgf#maybe sometime though
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the amount of stress i'm feeling on mondays bc the next day is tuesday and that means facing The Horrors 💀💀💀
#the horrors being a full 10 hours day at uni 💀#and being at uni in general#starting to think that this is not for me#this meaning being a student#or maybe it's that course not being for me i don't fucking know anymore#i don't know!!! and it's killing me !!!#maybe i should finish this semester and take a break. like. a full year break. from everything.#will it help? i have no fucking idea 🙃#but maybe it's something i Need to do#idk idk idk idk#i always feel stuck in place and like i have no idea where i'm going#something something everyone was born with a map but mine is blank and noone told me directions something something#and it's nearly april too#i wanted to have it figured out by february. FEBRUARY#and what. nothing#neg#agnes talking
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wheres that post thats like. [emerges from google docs covered in blood] anyway oowu4. done. i think. just editposting now
#this is very dramatic for 4.5k of them going to a street market lmao.#sometimes it’s like that!#consistently i never have any idea what bits will fight me the hardest#i rewrote ‘circuit breaker’ nearly three times#refractions took a month break in the middle.#part of the promise’s initial conversation sucked ass So Hard#choices’ last part (the library scene) beat me to death in the docs#none of that i expected lmao. things i expect to be hard are always just#yknow difficult but doable instead of imminently life-ending#shrug#i fully expect ch6 of oowu to be the worst to write but [points upward] who fucking knows lmao#its also possible that my general state of affairs is interfering. and by possible i mean. really likely#its been a long long week#rowan chatter
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how fleeting huh
#🌙.rambles#i rlly need to be more consistent in sleeping earlier bcs these thoughts r just#ah no. they're always there. most of the time. i just take my mind off them throughout the day n.#idk i'm not in the mood to expound on that rn but it's just so bittersweet#i'm. the kind of person to keep on looking n moving forward. onwards. ever towards the morrow.#can't be helped after all when. i genuinely am curious n interested in life. i want to reach far n high n yeah#but i'm sentimental too n sensitive n emotional n i want to hold on i want to remember#but even that's just not enough n at times it really gets so hard to live w the burden of it all. it's so heavy isn't it?#i'm passionate with literature n games n music n.. i want to take in as much as i can. learn. but also create. bcs there's a lot in me too.#n it#it's just. yk when it's simultaneously so confusing n comforting. with how life is just so full of possibilities n so full of depth n#meaning n then there's stuff too like not only my personal life n the personal lives too of the ppl i personally love but#the world as a whole w. just. all the pain in general. it weighs me down too which is why when i was younger it'd be rlly#draining to be more politically-aware but. i don't fare well with ignorance either n life is just so full of contradictions#n sometimes i think too much i feel too much#too fast too slow too little too much.#but that thinking is.. i think bcs there's a standard or smth that we have in our minds#if we just. embrace who we are at our core. as humans. n let go of all those extra stuff n all#then i think i'd be more at peace. with more freedom. i feel so restrained in this#uh. it's nearly 2 am n i'm multitasking smth before i sleep so i'm not sure if this is the right word but postmodern society? not sure#but yk this society where.. toxic social media culture n then. the distance between us. the lack of understanding n sincerity#just. hurts me so much. i hate it. it's so lonely. this world is so lonely yk? as a whole#but ahh i'm thinking too much again n that combined w my own personal struggles w pushing myself to do the best i can#& then. fuck social anxiety i just can't help overthinking too often but yeah. Yeah.#i'll go sleep in a bit tho. i think i'll just do more tomorrow.
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man. why do i even try 2 keep up w wat happens on tiktok
#(watchin the new drama kween video....)#the lady this is abt is makin me lose my shit#tw child abuse#she basically insinuated dat if she had a bit less self control over her emotions she woulda killed her fuckin kids right then n there#over a honesly. stupid thing they did#she locked herself in her room cryin n decided 2 record a tiktok ab how shes restrainin herself from beatin the shit outta them#wat they did? drank as much water as they possibly cud 2 make themselves.. yeah. ykno wat happens when ya do dat#n like she was like 'if this was me with my parents. if i was a lil less forgivin than my parents they woulda been Dead rn!'#like. bro generational abuse is REAL but its always on YA to break the cycle. as an adult decidin 2 have kids#if ya don. yr jus as bad as them. ya have become wat ya wer hurt by n i mean dat in da cruelest way possible i hope it haunts ya#cause we don ever need more traumatised kids. or nearly dead kids. or not nearly.#this make me so incredibly angry sawrry#this is exacly why im hesitant ab adoption. so scared of bein a shitty parent. (im nawt violent watsoever. jus the thought of passin down#unhealthy aspects of our/my personality.. also literally the did. can ppl w did without integration even.. b proper parents?)#sigh#i have so much love for kids for Any kids for the worst behaved kids for the worlds first problem children idgaf i love em all all kids dese#rve a good home#ok ipost this before i have a full breakdown in tags#vent#<- ?
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one thing i think people get wrong about Martyn in the life series is he really isn’t loyal
like yeah, we all know him as the Hand, following the Red King as far as their shared grave, but that is… truly the outlier and not the norm with him
i mean, let’s take a brief look at other seasons. i can’t speak to Secret Life, as it came out when i was incredibly busy and i haven’t yet had time to watch it, but what about the others?
he won Limited Life because he’s a chronic traitor! he betrayed Scott, his ally for the whole season, so that he could win, and said he’d been planning it / wanting to do it the whole session. spent a whole season protecting and helping Scott, and laughed in his face to betray as soon as he saw a shot to do so
Double Life was a whole mess of Martyn and weird loyalties. just one example: he spent all of the first session hanging out with Pearl in favor of even looking for either of their soulmates, with no regard for how he’d been putting his soulmate in danger. when their soulmates dumped them due to being ignored all session and stormed off, he dumped Pearl just because. one session in and he’s betrayed both his soulmate and his day one alliance!
Last Life he teamed with the Southlanders and then made the Shadow Alliance in secret, so he was on two teams and never truly committed to either. he tried to kill Grian basically immediately when he got boogeyman, for example, and in the final fight he tried to lure Ren to himself by offering to team and then tried to blow Ren up
of course, i’m simplifying and ignoring a lot. he doesn’t earn the loyal reputation for nothing. he does a lot of things to help his teammates, like giving a life to Ren in Last Life, trying all season to win Cleo over for all of Double Life, or working to protect Scott for all of Limited Life. it’s not like Martyn doesn’t play the part of a loyal friend well, but, well.
the thing about Martyn is that he’s selfish. he’s basically always going to prioritize his own survival over anything else. he’s never going to roll over and die, especially not for another person. he’s good at looking loyal, because having allies will help you survive, and he knows making outright enemies is a bad idea. he knows he can’t make it obvious he’s a traitor, because then he’ll certainly be killed. but, when it comes down to the wire, he will generally bail at the last minute to save his own skin rather than protecting the people around him. when his loyalty is tested, nine times out of ten, he will not only fail, but do so completely without remorse
it doesnt take a lot to become Martyn’s ally, and once you’ve got a foot in the door, he will take his allegiances seriously (at least, to a point). but it takes effort to really earn Martyn’s trust. and, even when it looks like you have, there’s no guarantee he won’t yank the rug out from under you if he decides having you alive is more detrimental to his survival than seeing you dead
and yes, you can especially see all of this in Third Life. Martyn was absolutely not instantly ride or die for Ren—for a lot of the earlier episodes, he won’t say he’s on Ren’s team or that he lives at Ren’s base, and often tells other players he’s simply Ren’s employee rather than teammate and that he’s wandering or homeless. he trusts Ren so little due to Ren’s inability to keep a secret or stand up for himself that even Ren acknowledges in the third session that Martyn is probably going to leave him and find someone else. Martyn’s loyalty had to be earned, and it very nearly wasn’t. if Ren had taken a session more to grow a spine, Martyn probably would have left
but Ren became an ally that Martyn could rely on, who could stand up for himself and keep secrets. it became more beneficial to Martyn’s survival to have Ren around, so he stayed with Ren for the rest of the season, and committed hard to their kingdom. Ren earns Martyn’s trust by becoming a more dependable ally, and because of that, Ren earns Martyn’s loyalty…. probably
(half related, bc i want it in the post and i don’t know where to put it: after the execution, two sessions after Ren officially earns Martyn’s loyalty, Ren admits to being genuinely convinced Martyn was going to take him out of the series as soon as Ren gave him the chance!)
because yes, even here, even after Ren earns his trust and Ren trusts Martyn to execute him and they become King and Hand, Martyn was okay with killing Ren to save himself. Martyn has said he was going to betray Ren in the final session of Third Life. his entire plan was that when he and Ren hit the final 5, he was going to kill Ren. end Red Winter, usher in Red Spring. even the most loyal version of Martyn was a traitor!
now, you can decide for yourself if you believe he could have actually gone through with this—he and Ren were 6th and 7th out of the game, after all. maybe he wouldn’t have been able to steel himself. maybe his loyalty would have, for once, been too strong to kill Ren.
but it’s very possible that even the most loyal version of Martyn—the version of Martyn who has created this “loyal” image of Martyn in fanon—was only loyal because he died too soon to show his true colors
#says words#thinkin my thoughts#third life#inthelittlewood#trafficblr#life series#i keep seeing ppl comment on how Martyn is always super loyal and i ahve to wonder if we’re talking about the same guy#anyway i love Martyn#i’m aware this is rich coming from the Martyn religious devotion fic guy but listen. he’s a bitch#his only loyalties are to himself and his own survival. and the bit
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my reaction to this information:
‧ ❆ ˚ everything has changed (besides myself)・l.f.
— you spend three years loving him, six months losing him, and four hours waiting for him to get the hell out of your house. but the human heart is more stubborn than you know.
words・5.4k
pairing・lee felix x gn!reader
genres・babysitter!au, girldad!lix, nobody look at me, toothrotting fluff, more angst than originally intended tbh, exes to lovers, hurt/comfort, happy ending yayyy, non-linear storyline
warnings・cousin has a korean name and experiences one (1) minor head bump, mc is temporarily heartbroken and experiences one (1) breakdown
playlist・house song by searows・glad by tori kelly・let's pretend by del water gap・you were good to me by jeremy zucker
a/n・hiiii my loves, i'm so unbelievably excited to bring u my first contribution to my and @astraystayyh's collaboration, "winter falls" ♡ every time i write for our ray of sunshine i'm reminded of how thankful i am to love him. this fic ruined me. hope it does the same to you (smile)
I. everything
“One day,” you muttered to the toddler sitting on your shoulders, “you’ll experience something deeply, irreversibly humbling, and I’ll be there to witness your downfall.”
Byeol responded to this with an unbothered babble. She then gathered two handfuls of your hair and yanked using far too much force to be biologically possible.
You folded like a lawn chair. “Mother—!”
Oh, that word was not suitable for button-sized ears.
“—oh, my dear mother, why? Why me?”
Technically speaking, your aunt should’ve been the target of your lamentations, but all she did was produce the child presently steering you around the kitchen like you were her own personal bumper car. Your own mother was the one who volunteered you to watch said child during the first weekend of your winter break. Only for an hour until the babysitter arrives, she’d said (raising her voice, so as to be heard over your groaning).
You adored Byeol. She made scarily accurate chipmunk sounds and possessed an immobilizing fear of grapes. She bust out a dance move before she took her first steps. The girl could have you floored with laughter without being able to say more than three words at a time. Still, this was far from how you imagined onsetting your desperately-needed few weeks off. Not to mention it was now half past three; your shift should’ve ended two minutes ago.
As if on cue, the doorbell rang. Byeol emitted an excited onomatopoeia like a golden retriever detecting the mailman. Your reaction wasn’t too far off; you swiveled your head in the sound’s direction, sang out “coming!” in a delighted vibrato, and twirled into the foyer, your hands around Byeol’s ankles anchoring her in place.
You cracked open the door and found yourself face-to-face with Byeol’s babysitter. The freckles scattered across his high cheekbones and sloping nose seemed to you like they were imprinted by the sun itself. His hair was dark, falling just shy of pitch black, and long, ending an inch or so below pierced ears. A few misbehaving strands rested over his forehead but did little to obstruct your view of his eyes: profoundly brown and pointed at either end, like poinsettia petals.
He was the most beautiful man you’d ever seen. You felt your skin warm, your heart flip. You opened your mouth.
Then Byeol hit her head against the vertical edge of the front door, loud enough for it to echo.
The panic that seized you in that moment was truly unlike anything you’d experienced before. You caught one glimpse of the stranger’s expression (as mortified as you expected), and then you were seeing your own epitaph on the inside of your eyelids, engraved with the four words “Death by Furious Aunt.”
“Was that—?” The man sputtered, and his voice was rich and full and accented and just as breathtaking as the rest of him and holy fucking shit now was not the time.
“My fucking god,” you whispered, completely forgetting to watch your mouth. In a hurry, you swung Byeol off your shoulders and dropped to a knee. You leaned in close to examine her reddening forehead and cradled the plush of her cheek; she blinked at you a few times, fascinated by the sudden sight of your face again.
“You okay, Byeollie? That hurt a lot, didn’t it? I’m so, so sorr—”
Byeol started to laugh.
Not laugh as in those little chuckles she let out randomly, like there was something inherently amusing about the kitchen cupboard, but laugh as in a boisterous, resounding guffaw, like a great-uncle at a family gathering off one too many martinis.
This rendered you speechless for the second time in under a minute. Then, you lifted your other hand to cradle her other cheek, her face now sandwiched between your palms, and squeezed.
“I broke my cousin,” you whispered, your voice was so deathly serious that the man in the doorway had to stifle a laugh of his own.
His knee brushed against your shin as he sat down to your left, folding his legs into a criss-cross. You could discern notes of lavender and orange blossoms in the delicate cologne that clung to him, perforated the air and your mind both.
“Can I?” He asked.
“Please.”
Carefully, you shifted Byeol’s small frame towards him; the manner in which he accepted her was so smooth and practiced that there was no doubt in your mind you were watching a professional at work. He settled her on his right knee, then dipped his head to look her in the eye.
“Hi, princess,” he cooed with a dulcet smile. He curved his pointer finger, dusted it beneath her chin. “Why are you laughing, silly girl?”
Oh.
Oh.
You might just continue your lineage after all.
“Y/N-ie,” she answered, still tittering.
He looked to you with a slight tilt to his head, and you nodded affirmatively. He murmured a quiet ah. “What about Y/N-ie?”
Somehow you sensed that she was about to embarrass you and pinched the bridge of your nose—in preparation.
“P-pretty.” I knew it!
The man let out the laugh he’d been holding back since earlier and tapped on her button nose, lowered his voice to a whisper that he knew you could hear.
“I agree.” His eye glinted playfully, matching his tone. “And so are you.” The bashful, high-pitched giggle she responded with sounded eerily similar to your inner monologue.
The two of you spent a little longer on the floor of the foyer making sure Byeol was okay, and then the girl upped and made a mad dash for the kitchen while yelling something about a horse, and if that didn’t confirm that she was completely fine (albeit incredibly strange) you didn’t know what would. You found her rolling around the carpet in the room adjacent to the kitchen and left her to her own devices while you and her babysitter fixed up a small fruit plate for her afternoon snack. No grapes, of course.
He told you he usually went by Felix, but that his Korean name was probably easier for Byeol to pronounce, with its easier consonants and whatnot. You asked which name he preferred, and he said either or. He was a recent college graduate, a year older than you, who was determined to spend at least the next two years doing nothing but working out his future. He accepted the part-time babysitting position to pick up some light cash in the process.
“And ‘cause I’m good with kids,” he added, splitting apart a tangerine. “So I’ve been told.”
“Oh, you definitely are,” you said, plating a couple blueberries. “You melted her earlier.”
“She melted me. She’s so cute. And you’re so cute with her—I didn’t realize I was robbing someone of their job.”
You turned your head to regard the tot and let out a helpless laugh. Byeol tired of being a human lint roller a few minutes ago and had since moved on to staring aimlessly out the window.
“She doesn’t take me seriously, and I can’t stay mad at her,” you mused. “I would be a nightmare as her babysitter, trust me. She’s all yours.”
Felix held out two overturned handfuls of tangerine slices, to which you quickly moved the platter across the counter. He didn’t respond to your comments as he placed them on the outermost edge so that they looked like rays of sun emanating from a multicolored core. Adorable.
“Will you be around much, then?”
You made eye contact with him across the counter. On his perfect face was a teasing smirk and a subtle blush. Ah, you’d been mistaken, writing off his silence as concentration—he’d been contemplating how to best flirt with you.
“Y’know. In case I need any help teaching her cuss words,” he appended.
It was then your turn to flush a couple shades darker. “Please don’t tell her mom.”
“I won’t, I won’t.” He walked around the perimeter of the counter until he was directly in front of you; the lavender and orange blossoms returned. “On one condition.”
Not even one hour on the job and he was already trying to blackmail you? You respected it. “Which is?”
As he shifted some of his weight onto the counter, something too shifted in his smile, giving it a quality that was every bit as hopeful as it was gentle.
It was then, while Lee Felix was looking at you like that, all dilated pupils and long lashes, when you predicted that he would one day break your heart. You predicted you’d let him.
“Be around,” he said simply.
It wasn’t a question or a demand. In hindsight, you think it was more akin to a birthday wish, ill-fated the moment it hit the air.
II. has changed
Felix pulled Byeol’s hood up and over her ears, and you realized he was right about the winter coat getting too small for her—she looked like a bowling pin. You muffled your snort into your scarf.
“And what was the last rule again?” He asked, his breath puffing into the frigid afternoon in tiny clouds. Byeol sighed like she knew anything of the world’s woes.
“No barking at other kids,” came the sad reply, but a toothy smile spread across her face anyways when Felix nudged the underside of her chin. She loved when he did that.
“That’s my girl,” he hummed. “I believe in you.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” you said, and the wounded look Felix shot you was like you’d just confessed to hating kittens. “Come on—she doesn’t have a good track record. I’m allowed to have my doubts.”
“I dunno what that means,” Byeol announced with admirable frankness, and then turned around and scurried down the porch stairs, scattering fun-sized footprints across the snowy streets.
As you braced yourself to follow her, Felix stopped you with a slip of his hand into the pocket of your puffer. His fingers first aligned with yours inside the insulated nylon, then chased the spaces in between. He leaned in close, placed a kiss on the apple of your cheek, another on the corner of your mouth. This brought a helpless smile to your face, too. He had a way of melting you and Byeol both.
“It’ll be fine,” he soothed. “A little barking never hurt anybody, baby.”
“Lix, last time somebody called animal control.”
“Ermm—a little barking never hurt most people.”
That winter, Byeol was four, and your relationship with Felix was about to turn two.
Funnily enough, you’d never figured out when your anniversary actually was. Felix wagered it was the day you met, as he knew he loved you the instant he saw you; you insisted it was months later, since it took both of you an entire summer vacation of open-ended flirting and informal dating to label yourselves for real. Imagine your horror when he showed up outside your college apartment the day before your graduation, arms overflowing with flowers and gift bags brimming with your favorite things, the phrase “happy anniversary” on his lips three months before you perceived it to be. You’ve celebrated both days ever since.
You loved the ocean growing up. You didn’t get to visit it often, but when you did you would run up to the water’s very edge so that your toes dipped into the cold—and just stand there, observing, absorbing, until even the seam of your lips and the ends of your eyelashes were studded with crystals of seasalt. You found endless tranquility in its rhythmic whispers and unspeakable comfort in its oscillating waves, guaranteed to return after momentary departure.
Your fascination stemmed from the folktale your mother used to read to you before bed, about a sun goddess creating the earth. In the story, every component of nature was one of the sun’s beloved children. She allegedly loved them all, but you suspected the ocean was her favorite; it was obvious, the way she twinkled off its ebbing surface, the way every minuscule spot of light looked to you like a handprint of hers, left behind by eons of endless doting.
Felix reminded you of the ocean. Every day you grew more certain that you wanted to drown in him, to let his resonant voice and kind eyes sweep and keep you inside his depths. It was never salt that he pressed into your skin but warmth, stamped and sealed with caring hands and cautious lips. His deep whispers promised eternal love and temporary ecstasy and everything in between. You knew he would come back to you even if stranded in a different realm. And there was no questioning the goddess’ favoritism, either. The freckles on his face mirrored the sun’s very spots like an homage to his creator.
You didn’t love the ocean growing up, no. You had never loved before Felix.
The park was busy when the three of you arrived. Byeol and Felix recognized a few families as your aunt’s neighbors and hurried over to say hello. Your social butterflies.
“I’ll be over there,” you called after them.
Felix stopped in his tracks, looked over his shoulder. It had started snowing lightly on your walk there, and snowflakes now sat atop his sable locks. He looked like a painting. “You okay?”
“Yes, yes.” You shooed them off. “Don’t worry about me. Go have fun.”
With that, you withdrew to the sidelines, an unoccupied swingset adjacent to a baseball diamond covered in frost.
Your baby cousin was brawny for her age, which you could’ve seen coming with how she was hauling at your hair two years ago, but even she couldn’t yet terrorize the playground without assistance. Who better to make her partner in crime than her favorite Bokkie? You couldn’t help but giggle as the two revolved around each other for the better part of an hour, Byeol’s smile colossal as she frolicked every which way, Felix’s smile worried but hopelessly endeared as he followed behind. He never let her leave his shadow. She never tried to.
It always did something to you, seeing how good Felix was with Byeol, how good he was to her. But it was there on those icy swings that you experienced a moment of strange clarity, like you’d broken the fourth wall of your own story. You could feel the winds of change blowing your hair across your shoulders. You were aware of time’s trickling from the gaps of your fingers like liquid mercury.
Your laughter dissipated to a bittersweet smile; your smile mellowed to dewy eyes. It seemed like just yesterday when Byeol was small enough to sit on your shoulders and Felix stepped into your kitchen for the first time. Now, she was scaling a rope ladder with the celerity of a crazed monkey while Felix hovered a wary hand by her waist. The muted sunlight caught on the silver rings he wore, particularly the thin, bright one on his middle finger. You had one just like it, adorning the same place.
The last two years were the happiest of your life. Why couldn’t you remember where they went?
Lavender and orange blossoms announced your boyfriend’s arrival—that, and the sigh of fatigue that he expelled as he dropped into the swing next to you.
“I’m not cut out for this anymore.”
Byeol’s neighbor had temporarily relieved Felix of his post by taking her and his son to test out the seesaw, and you wouldn’t be surprised if the whole town could hear her enthusiastic shrieking.
“You know how people walk their dogs?” You mused. “Some dogs walk their people. She’s one of them.”
For a moment, he could only stare in disbelief at the grin creeping across your face; then, he groaned in a way that could only mean you were right on the money. You gave his thigh a sympathetic pat.
“You’re whipped, my love. It’s okay.”
“Maybe a little,” he admitted, suddenly perking up. “Hey, no barking though.”
“Are we considering that a win nowadays?”
“Do you see animal control anywhere?”
“Good point.”
Felix monitored your expression during the quiet interval that ensued—saw through the melancholy curve of your lips, the pensive slant of your gaze. There was a red tinge to the whites of your eyes that hadn’t been there before.
You saw him reach for you in your periphery. His fingers brushed a lock of hair behind the shell of your ear, remained there for three slow heartbeats, and then lifted away.
“Angel,” he murmured. “Talk to me.”
You shook your head. “It’s silly.”
“It’s not.” Not even ten seconds after the last time, he reached for you again, now to take your hand and bring it to his lap. “You know it’s not.”
“It’s just that—”
Felix thumbed over the ridges of your knuckles, his touch so gentle that it could’ve unraveled a chrysalis; it certainly unraveled you. You took a stabilizing breath.
“I wish could recognize my own happiness in the moment,” you sighed, “not just in retrospect. That way, even when it comes to an end, I’d still be able to look back and say with confidence that I was happy once. I’d like that, I think.”
His brows knit together as he processed your words, and, the next thing you knew, he left his swing trembling in his sudden absence and his trenchcoat became a black blur in the cold air.
Felix rested his elbows atop your knees as he knelt in front of you, cradled your face in his hands. He was achingly beautiful always, but you truly felt your breath swiped from your lungs at the new proximity of his ethereal features: petal-shaped eyes, wind-bitten cheeks, coral cupid’s bow. A painting.
“That’s easy enough,” Felix hummed. “How do you feel right now?”
You had zero agency in the smile this brought to your face. You wrapped your hands around his wrists, your answer quick, thoughtless. “Happy.”
He pressed his lips to the space between your eyes. “And now?”
“Happier.”
He pressed his lips to the curve of your jaw. “What about now?”
“Even happier.”
His gaze flickered to his final destination, but you beat him to it, sealing your mouth against his with urgency. The kiss that followed was so intensely loving that your head went fuzzy. How was it that you felt his adoration for you even in his pliant lips, his velvet tongue? You ran your fingers through the part of his hair. You loved when you could feel the locks flutter back into place afterwards.
“GET A ROOM!”
You and Felix pulled away from one another, wearing matching expressions of bewilderment. Byeol was approximately five Newtons away from soaring off into the stratosphere, her legs jostling around as she clung to her seat for dear life. It seemed your neighbor had a very aggressive way of seesaw-maneuvering. It seemed your cousin had a very aggressive vocabulary.
“Where did she learn—?” The two of you began in unison, then shot your heads back towards each other.
“It had to be you.”
“Outrageous—you’re the Australian here!”
“You cuss like one too!”
“Because of you!”
“So we’re just lying now?”
“Well, yes.”
Felix cracked a smile—and then the two of you were dying of laughter, his right eye squinting closed and your forehead thudding onto his shoulder. You hardly managed to get out your next words. “We have to do something about her vernacular, don’t we?”
“Oh, badly,” he replied. “Badly.”
After you expended your giggles, you nuzzled into the crook of his neck, blissful, glowing. “Thank you, baby.”
“What for?”
“Being my happiness.”
He angled your face back to his and kissed you once more, whispering I love you like it wasn’t enough that it graced your ears; he needed it embossed upon your flesh in permanent ink.
Your intermingled breaths floated up into the air like flare signals over a capsizing boat. Here marks the time we were happiest.
III. (besides myself)
He’s blonde.
That’s the first thing you notice when you see your ex-boyfriend on your aunt’s porch: the slightly off-white color of his silky tresses, grown out longer than you’ve ever seen, pushed off his forehead and tucked behind his ears.
It’s not the only thing you notice, of course. His face has thinned ever so slightly, the shadows thrown over his features by the streetlights behind him particularly opaque. His outfit is glorious, expensive, with the black blazer and white dress shirt, the top two buttons undone, the pendant of a silver necklace resting between toned collarbones. His hands are almost overflowing with what must be gifts for your family. It’s impossible to discern all of them from this distance, but you know the bouquet of white poinsettias is for your mom, the batch of brownies doused in sprinkles and icing for Byeol.
But the hair is where your gaze returns, because tucked among the platinum strands are black roots: millimeters of the color you grew to adore, peeking out as if trying to catch a glimpse of you, too.
You’re so occupied with this game of “I spy” that you don’t notice the rampant footsteps coming up behind you. Your six-year-old cousin collides with the back of your leg head-on and nearly topples you like a bowling pin.
“Is it him?” She asks breathlessly.
You come this close to berating her as you steady yourself against the wall—what did I say about treating human beings like couch cushions? But you look down to see her chin resting on the side of your thigh, her eager eyes shining so brightly that she puts her own namesake to shame. Your scolding tirade dissolves on your tongue like popping candy.
You simply sigh instead. “Yes, but—”
“BOKKIE!” She shrieks, and Felix’s head snap upwards at the sound of her voice. His tender smile melts some of the frost laminating your heart.
You crack open the door, making eye contact with Felix for the first time in six months.
“Put everything down. Quickly,” you whisper, and he obeys right away, alarmed by the urgency in your voice. A wise choice.
The last present has hardly touched down upon the wooden planks when Byeol wriggles through the doorway and charges towards Felix like an angered toro. He swivels at her bright holler of his name, lowers himself to a squat just barely in time to catch her in his embrace. The delighted laugh that leaves his mouth as he staggers backwards sounds like the sun itself; you feel lost in orbit hearing it again.
“Bokkie,” Byeol murmurs, her voice muffled in the dip of his shoulder, by the tightening of her arms around his neck.
“Hi, princess.” He kisses her temple, presses his nose against her hair. “Whoa, you’ve grown strong, haven’t you?”
“She takes taekwondo classes now,” you hum from above, and the shock in his face asks the very question that your poignant smile confirms. Yes, because of you.
Felix pulls away, cocoons her cheeks with cherishing hands. “Is that true?”
She bobs her head. “I want to be like Bokkie.”
And his eyes go impossibly, terribly soft, like he’s gazing at the horizon itself. The sight twists the knife in your gut and yanks on your tangled heartstrings. It’s all because of you.
“And kick some ass!” Byeol adds, knocking you out of your sentimental spiral. You clap a defeated hand to your forehead. Felix falls over himself. So much for fixing her vernacular.
A few minutes later, Byeol is pirouetting towards the kitchen with a couple of Felix’s smaller presents in her arms, all too happy to be of help. You linger behind as Felix takes off his shoes, your cousin’s departure leaving the two of you alone in the dim foyer.
Felix straightens. The two of you come face to face. The air hangs so heavily with unspoken words that you half expect it to start dripping.
“Hi,” he says.
You nearly laugh at the cruelty of it. The man you were certain you’d grow old with greeting you like you’ve been forced to sit next to each other on the first day of school.
“Hi,” you answer. “You look—”
The two of you say this last part in unison; old habits die hard.
“—nice,” you finish.
“—beautiful,” Felix breathes, his eyes flicking off to the side abashedly.
Your throat constricts, pulse quickens. Says you. If he was a painting before, you think he’s a sculpture now, his perfection as tangible as if hand-chiseled by the greatest artists of old. As clear as the sun’s beloved sea. You can’t tell if it’s his stylist’s doing or simply a product of him growing into himself.
“Thank you,” you reply quietly. “And thank you for coming.”
“Thank you for inviting me. I didn’t think you would.”
“I didn’t do it for me.”
No part of you wants to see the subtle wince that crosses his face at your statement, so you turn your gaze to his jewelry-laden hands instead.
For a split second, you swear you see the same promise ring settled in the same place on his middle finger. You realize what you’re really looking at only after blinking the phosphenes from your eyes: the thin tanline that it left behind. The realization fixes and destroys you all at once.
Then, Byeol starts wailing about Felix’s whereabouts like an actress hired to spare you from this very interaction.
“Her Highness beckons.” The smile you manage feels like drying cement. “Shall we?”
On your way to the kitchen, you notice the cologne emanating from his person smells only of citrus—no lavender. Its absence steadies you, deludes you into believing that it’s a stranger you’ve just let inside.
That illusion lasts for exactly three hours and forty-eight minutes.
It’s clear that the breakup has your family walking on eggshells, but it’s even clearer that their adoration for Felix has never wavered. You’ve never resigned yourself to the restroom so many times in one night, only to stand with your back against the door, unmoving, unfeeling, listening to the low thrum of his voice through the mahogany. Chatting comfortably with your aunt, bursting into laughter with Byeol, reminding you of the time you considered him family too.
With every glance you toss your reflection, you discover new cracks in your composure. Has he noticed them yet?
After you come out of the restroom for the sixth time, you notice a light spilling from Byeol’s bedroom into the hallway. A low Australian accent graces your ears, followed closely by a tinkling giggle, and your body nudges you towards the sounds before your head can intervene.
You give your cousin’s door a feather-light nudge. It opens a few centimeters more and grants you vision of Byeol tucked into bed, Felix knelt at her side. Both of their faces are illuminated by the flaxen light of the nearby lamp.
Felix brushes her choppy bangs out of her eyes, a teasing smile on his lips. “Can I tell you a secret, princess?”
This wrests from her another fluttering laugh; you swear he’s the only person in the whole world who makes her shy. “Sure!”
“Promise you won’t tell anyone?”
“Promise.”
“Not even Snernard.”
“M’kay.”
“Or Bong.”
“M’kay.”
“Especially not Trash the chicken. I don’t trust him.”
“I know, I know, I won’t!” Byeol huffs, and Felix laughs at her outburst. You also snort into your sleeve, amused (and deeply perplexed) by your cousin’s plushie-naming conventions.
“Thank you,” he hums, and he lowers his voice enough that you don’t catch the next thing he says.
All you perceive is the way that Byeol reacts. She sits up straight in bed, resting her back against her pillow. Her features rearrange themselves slowly, awfully, like the spread of cherry-flavored cough syrup over one’s sore throat, into the furthest thing from her trademark too-big-for-her-face smile.
Your stomach plummets to your fucking ankle.
“Why?” Her voice sounds microscopic.
“Well, do you remember what Bokkie’s dream job is?”
Byeol considers for a moment. “Being a singer?”
“That’s right.” He runs a knuckle over the hill of her cheek, the action achingly familiar, immensely fond. “And I found a place where I can do that, but it’s very, very far away. I won’t be able to come home very often.”
The telltale signs appear as he speaks; the final word sets them into motion. A tear streaks down the side of Byeol’s face. It hardly leaves the corner of her eye before it’s being intercepted by a doting swipe of his thumb.
“No,” she replies.
“You've grown so much.” Another tear falls. He wipes away that one, too. “You’re growing so well.”
“No,” she repeats.
“You’ve stolen the light of every star in the sky already. The whole galaxy will be yours someday, sweetheart. I know it.”
“I don’t want it,” she whispers. “I want my Bokkie.”
His vision starts to blur also. “But you don’t need me anymore.”
“We do.”
You know the precise moment Felix’s heart pauses in his chest because it is when yours does too.
“We?” He repeats, and she nods.
“Your dream job is being a singer.” Now Byeol is the one to reach for Felix, her delicate hand cupping the curve of his cheek. Her fingers are too small to catch his tears, she tries anyways—
“But what is your dream?”
It becomes too much for you.
You turn around. A choked sob escapes from behind the hand you have sealed to your mouth, causing both heads inside Byeol’s room to whirl in your direction. You don’t care that you nearly break both of your ankles beelining up the stairs; you only care to get the fuck out of that hallway.
You topple into your room, close the door behind you, and crumble.
Your quivering hands find purchase around your folded legs; your eyes squeeze shut against your knees. Rivulets of tears cascade over your shuddering lips like ruptured barrels of wine, left in the cellars of your soul to age, to spoil.
You never wanted your grief to see the light of day. Pouring your regret over every sidewalk wouldn’t change the past. Splashing your heartache across every wall like the world’s most fucked-up mural wouldn’t alleviate the pain of losing him. He was the one who left, but were the one who’d asked him to. Feeling, yearning, mourning. Those always seemed so futile.
But you’re not just crying in this moment, rocking back and forth on your bedroom floor; you’re bleeding, the wounds you never treated igniting all at once as if exposed to vinegar, leaving you writhing and gasping in their wake. How you wish they’d been able to heal sooner. Maybe then seeing Felix tonight wouldn’t have splintered your soul like dropped porcelain.
Your door clicks open. Your breath hitches in your throat with a quiet scratch. The gulp of oxygen you intake tastes of oranges.
Every night before you fall asleep, you still think of the last time you visited the sea. The cool sand chafing against your toes, the coarse winds slapping your hair against your face hard enough to sting. The weather was terrible (you neglected to check the forecast before making the drive), but when you stepped onto the embittered coastline, you took what felt like the first real breath of your young adulthood. The fog melded to your skin as if melting a blindfold away, showing you the world in its entirety.
You return to that beach when Felix pulls you into his chest, and there’s no fog this time. Just the faint smell of lavender and your ocean, guaranteed to return after momentary departure.
Feverishly, Felix presses his lips to your temple, the apple of your cheek, rests his forehead against yours. Brokenly, he utters, “it’s you.”
You can feel his shaking in every part of him: the tickling breath, the fluttering eyelashes, the unsteady hand that reaches into the pocket of his blazer. You graze your fingers over his jaw, an attempt to steady his careening heart, only to lose yours in the fray also when he produces a small red box of unmistakable dimensions.
“God, it’s you. It always has been, always will be. Anything can change except for this.” His voice disintegrates as he speaks. You disintegrate as you listen. “Everything has changed besides myself.”
Felix leans back in to pepper kisses across the expanse of your wet features, then brings himself to one fated knee. He flicks open the lid. You don’t even spare the ring a glance; you don’t doubt its perfection. All you care to look at is the love of your life, deliquesced to adoration and tearwater.
“Thank you for being around, my dream.” His soft smile tends to your scars like ambrosia. “Will you let me do the same?”
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© forlix (est. 090323) · liked this work? please consider reblogging, commenting, or sending me an ask to let me know; or, read my other writing here. thanks so much for the support!
#comments <3#NOT THE SERIOUS TALK LKFDJLKFJL IM BEING PUT IN TIME OUT#the more user txtxlz yells at me the more i know i've done something RIGHT.#and not me nearly tearing up at your simile... getting hurt as a child and someone kissing the wound?? HELLO?#makes me indescribably happy that it made you feel that way. not only is that the exact effect i was hoping to achieve with this fic#but it's why i write in general; to be able to conjure and share even a smidge of comfort or happiness#so thank you for affirming that for me... it means the world#also why was the 'i am not ur strongest reader' bit so cute.. u may not be the strongest (</3) but u are MY reader!!! it's true!!#my haz :')#gonna give u ur own tag on this blog at this rate#tl;dr thank you for ur wonderful comments as always ˙◠˙#and i hope i continue to meet/exceed ur expectations in the future ♡#*w: ehcbm
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“my wife.”
how they address you. why does it make your heart skip a beat each time?
characters; neuvillette, wriothesley
—female pronouns obvi, aaaa this is so random😭 fluff, tad bit of crack, has suggestive themes/dirty jokes cause that's my humor in general, just tryna get into writing again heehaa don't mind me ʘ‿ʘ
NEUVILETTE always accompanies the term with unmatched affection. it rolls off his tongue perfectly like a match made in heaven, coupled with the serene image of you instantaneously appearing in his mind before he even thinks of the uttering the endearing term. he still finds it surreal that you are both even lawfully married, yet the way he calls you his wife is already on instinct. is it too presumptuous of him?
well, in the end, he can't find any means to worry about it when you seem to equally adore the nickname.
“ooohh, say it again, say it again!”
he can't tell whether he married a child or not, but he still obliges your request and calls you his wife affectionately once more.
meanwhile, furina nearly gags everytime she hears him say it so softly—like using any other tone when referring to you would land him in the hands of the fortress of meropide. sure—she might've been the one who set up both of you—but the drama and thrill akin to watching a romance film has delightfully ended, and she can only meddle so much in marital matters. the iudex just might actually have her head in a platter if she were to do anything mischievous at that point.
but while a happy neuvillette is running around announcing 'my wife' this and 'my wife' that, you are currently stuck on what to call him in return, sadly enough.
“at this point, i think i'm just going to call you daddy.”
it was unfortunate with the way he choked on some of the water he was drinking—well, thank goodness he didn't spill much as before. for this wasn't the first time you said something unprompted while he was in peace with his water—he can only internally sigh.
“and what exactly has influenced you to arrive at such a conclusion, my wife?” he does not miss the tiny shudder of your body that followed the endearment. your face burns a tad bit at that, and he softly chuckles.
“your effect on me is no joke, you know?” you pout at his amused smile, “the way you refer to me so sweetly makes me want to call you my dearest husband everytime.”
“i don't recall voicing any complaints. is something else holding you back from doing so?”
you nod solemnly in agreement at that, which prompts him to raise a brow in mild curiousity.
“thing is, i really like calling you by your first name. same with monsieur neuvilette. there's something mildly erotic within it—you get what i mean, hehehe...” he only stares at you, clearly unimpressed, and a bit concerned at the implication. you clear your throat, apologizing under your breath.
“still—it's such a devastating predicament to be unable to choose between the three.” you sigh defeatedly, moving to slump your entire weight on his lap. you mutter, “my dearest husband monsieur neuvillette...mmm, no, that's too long.”
chuckling at your dramatic antics, he plants a soothing hand on your waist, the other fixing your wrinkled clothing as you practically melt against his hold. “and you thought settling on daddy was the appropriate option?”
“i'm not hearing any objections.” you jest, feeling cheeky.
“please refrain from calling me such a thing in the eyes of the public atleast.”
“...huh? you're actually allowing it??”
WRIOTHESLEY on the other hand, says it as if he's flaunting. it leaves his lips like a taunt each time, indirectly telling the other party 'i have a hot wife and you dont' even though most of the time the people he mentions you to don't even know what you actually look like. it's silly, childish even, but you still love it nonetheless.
sigewinne and the other inmates have collectively told you that ever since you got married, he has never uttered your actual name to anyone else. some find it weird, some find it somehow disrespectful, and some are now convinced he's crazily obsessed with you, and now he's showing it off every chance he gets, much to everyone's dismay.
it's arrived to the point where a small percentage of people have actually forgotten about your name, and now refer to you as the duke's wife, or even duchess, to which you made a face at. that's kind of pushing it by then.
anywho, in the end, it's funny and endearing, maybe even makes you a bit giddy, but there is no way you're telling him that. the situation might escalate even more if possible.
“you know, my wife is very mean to me today.”
as a pair of strong yet gentle arms wrap around your waist, you resist the growing smile on your face, deciding to mess with your husband for a bit.
“is that so?” you continue your chores without a care in the world. he huffs.
“mhm. she won't look me in the eye the whole day, even though she seemed sooo happy last night.” face instantly burning, you hiss as you slap his arm in a fit of embarrassment, pulling a hearty chuckle from the man behind you.
“—and now she's hitting me as well. i can't believe this.” you both know very well he was not fazed in the slightest bit.
“if her husband wasn't such a pervert then maybe—”
his facade cracks as he forces out an awkward laugh, “hey now, baby, you know i'm nothing like that.”
“wriothesley.”
he clears his throat awkwardly, “okay, maybe a little. it's exclusive for you though! my wife doesn't have to be so mean about it, you're making me reallyyy sad here, y'know?”
there it is again, you think. that nickname. that damned word that makes you want to turn around and smash your lips against his and—wait, hold yourself together! don't forget the reason you're being cold to him!
“you deserve to feel remorse. i've been struggling to even move the whole day because of you.”
you go rigid.
you didn't mean for that to come out so bitter...oh no.
“oh. so that's what this is about.” you don't even have to turn around to know that there's a smug look on his stupidly handsome face, his grip on your waist turning into soothing circles as he presses a kiss to your neck.
“if my wife wanted a massage, she could've just said so.” it's husky when it leaves his mouth, leaving you to shiver with the chills he enunciates.
flustered, you completely disregard the way your knees buckle at the endearment laced with that low voice of his, hitting his arm once more, earning a tiny 'ouch' from him.
“pervert. i want rest, not another round!”
“heh, i didn't say anything about another round, my perverted wife.”
“you—” you are abrupt cut off as you yelp in surprise when your feet are raised off the ground, your face now much closer to your husband's as he carries you gently in his arms.
“shhh, just let me take you to bed. if my wife was feeling terrible the whole day, she should've just told me in the first place so she could stay in, don't you think?”
he's right, but you're still angry. “shut up.”
“just letting you know i'm not completely at fault, wife.” you attempt to ignore the furious beating of your heart, face burning at his smug expression. “i'm not the only one who wanted it.”
hsr version...? if i feel like it...🤔🤔
#har❗#genshin impact x reader#genshin x reader#genshin impact imagines#neuvillette x reader#wriothesely x reader#genshin drabbles#genshin x you#genshin imagines#genshin headcanons
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Pretty please may we have more about Johnny finding your photos in older bf Simon’s phone?
continuation of this
so like i said about older bf!simon who saves all the photos and videos you send him because he likes having a lot to work with. no matter how fucking filthy it might be, he saves it right to his camera roll.
no albums, no hidden folder, no passcode (all things you need to show him when he’s home) photos of your naked body or videos of you humping a pillow and crying his name- all hanging loose in the photos app next to sweet photos of you two on date night or the screenshots johnny had sent him earlier.
that’s where this all went pear shaped, johnny had screenshotted the directions and sent them to simon’s phone. simon was busy assembling his weapon when johnny asked if he could grab those pictures off him.
simon had agreed (well he’d grunted but johnny knew him well enough to translate)
johnny’s thumb was working overtime to get to the screen with the photos app on it (simon doesn’t understand categorising apps so he has like three pages of them) and when he finally finds it, it was already open in the background (simon also doesn’t shut any apps, they’re always running in the back)
in hindsight, the fact johnny went quiet for once should’ve been a warning.
there, in soap’s hot little hand, was a photo of you that looked like it had been taken from the floor. your legs looked amazonian and the pair of knickers you had on hugged the curve of your ass like they were made for you. trailing all the way up your body until he could see your hands cupping your chest.
“jesus christ, L.T- the fuck is this?”
simon casually walked over to join him, looking over his shoulder and grunting again- this time in recognition.
“nah mate, the photos you sent are up ‘ere.”
not a care in the world.
as a long finger reached over to begin swiping through the photos, johnny’s head nearly spun off his shoulders as he was treated to an effective carousel of you in compromising positions.
videos of your legs spread, photos of you in simon’s clothing, close ups, long shots- johnny shifted on his feet in hopes he could adjust himself without hands, without raising alarm.
heat rising in his cheeks, he was close to handing the phone off and telling ghost he’d be back in 15 when a video began to autoplay with a missed swipe and johnny found himself jerking the phone so he could watch it play.
you were on your knees on the bed, back arched and hand between your thighs playing with yourself. your head was rested on the bed, looking back over your shoulder to lock eyes with the camera as a heady moan drifted off your lips.
“si- don’t be gone too long, need you to come home and fill me up”
soap could see stars, they were twirling round his head like somecunt had dropped an anvil on it. his eyes were fixed to the screen in front of him, unable to look anywhere else.
he was snapped back to attention by a dark snicker that came from just on his six. he swore he could feel ghost’s chin resting on his shoulder as the man spoke behind him.
“y’like that, huh? if you ask nicely, i’m sure i could get you one too.”
simon could be generous, but not that generous- you were still his, end of story. but that didn’t mean he couldn’t share something small with his closest.
especially when it was a video of you getting filled up at both ends, just silicone now but who knows what’ll happen when they come back?
#ANYWAYS wtf is wrong w me#simon riley smut#simon ghost riley smut#simon riley x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley blurb#simon ghost riley blurb#simon riley drabble#simon ghost riley drabble#johnny mactavish smut#johnny soap mactavish smut#johnny mactavish x reader x simon riley#johnny mactavish x reader#johnny soap mactavish x reader#older bf!simon
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It's always Grumpy! Regulus who is soft just for reader, but what about about Sunshine!reader who is grumpy just for him 🥺
I broke one of my cardinal rules for this fic; I made the reader *pauses for dramatic affect*.... a Lupin ✊😔 this was such a cute idea though hahaha I love sunshine reader trying so hard to be a grump [also struggling a litttttllllleeeee bit with some writers block so please let me know if anything feels awkward - idk how to feel about my writing right now!]
Regulus Black x Lupin!reader who is the sunshine to his clouds [922 words]
p1 // p2
CW: talking about wringing someone's neck out, siblings
Remus was interrupted from his reading by his boyfriend psst-ing across a few tables in an attempt to garner your attention.
“Hey! Trouble!” He whisper-shouted, causing you to look up with an arched eyebrow, though you still had your ever present smile adorning your face.
“Blink twice if you need help, okay?” Sirius continued, earning him a good natured roll of your eyes.
“I’m fine, Pads; there’s no need to worry.” You responded at regular volume, causing Sirius to look around suspiciously as if he didn’t trust the very few patrons of this section of the library - none of which were paying the three of you any mind - with this information.
“Listen, I love my brother as much as the next person, but- I mean, really? A Black? Surely you can do better.” Sirius informed you solemnly.
“Sirius…are you saying that my brother can do better, too?”
Sirius nodded quickly, apparently happy that you were finally getting it. “Yes! That’s why I sunk my claws into him early, he can’t escape me now; we basically live together and share all of our friends.”
Remus lowered his book to give his boyfriend a sideways glance, whilst you just continued beaming at him.
Though he didn’t necessarily approve of the way Sirius was going about his questioning, Remus couldn’t help but sort of agree with Sirius. Not that you could do better, per se, but that the pairing of you - the youngest Lupin - and Regulus - the youngest Black - made absolutely no sense.
Remus was happy for you, both of you, really! He wasn’t the kind of older brother that was rearing to fight any and all of your potential suitors; he wanted you to be happy, and if it was Regulus Black who made you happy, then he was more than happy for it.
But that didn’t mean he understood it.
Were he and Sirius quite different from one another? Sure.
Where Sirius was all hard edges and brashness, Remus was careful and exuded gentleness. Where Sirius was black clothes and flashy smiles, Remus was oversized jumpers and quiet remarks. Where Sirius was collected and suave, Remus was awkward and understated.
But for all that was completely opposite between the two of them, they had nearly just as much in common.
They both loved the same kind of music, they both loved pranking, they both loved a good house party, and they both loved their younger siblings.
But one would be hard pressed to find any similarity between the two of you.
Regulus was all quiet stoicism with a moody persona, while you were eager and effervescent. Regulus was snide and, well, kind of rude, while you were generous and compassionate. Regulus was gloomy, while you were all sun.
Remus wasn’t sure you even had a negative bone in your body; you’d been disturbingly sweet growing up (as a big brother, he was always looking for reasons to despise you only to come up empty) and he couldn’t imagine how someone as bitter as Regulus could find his way in your orbit, nor you into his.
Yet with this, Regulus came hustling into the library muttering something under his breath as he let his bag fall to the table with a loud thunk.
Sirius and Remus shared a concerned and slightly uneasy look, while you seemed to sit up impossibly straighter; Remus was certain that if you were a dog that your tail would be wagging.
“He is such a git.” Regulus hissed as his arse finally hit the seat, and your mouth opened comically as you leaned over the table as if vying for a secret.
“Who!?” You asked earnestly, your warm eyes searching Regulus’ cool ones for any clues.
“Sodding McLaggen! Thinks he’s Merlin’s gift to the entire wizarding world or something.”
“Bastard.” You muttered in camaraderie, and both Remus and Sirius reared their heads back at the use of such language coming from their kind and sweet little sister (and sister-in-law, as Sirius already calls you).
“I could’ve wrung his neck out, I swear.” Regulus continued as he pulled his books out of his bag and you quickly made room on your table for him to spread his homework out too.
“What was stopping you?” You asked him, and Remus and Sirius both looked at each other with furrowed brows as if saying “are you hearing this!?”
“I didn’t think you’d be particularly happy should I miss our study date in order to attend detention with the likes of Potter.” He muttered, ensuring the sneer James’ surname as if it were a dirty word.
Your eyes flit over to Remus and Sirius and they could see the laughter in them as you tried to keep your lips in their dutiful downturned-ness.
“Well, it would have been a noble reason I suppose.”
Regulus made a sound somewhere between a hum of acknowledgement and a groan as he ran a hand through his hair.
“Don’t worry, Reg; I’m sure McLaggen will be a wanker again tomorrow. You can wring his neck out then.” You assured him whilst looking down at your book, but as you lifted your hand to turn a page, Regulus’ hand quickly enveloped yours and brought it to his lips.
“Je t’aime, mon étoile.” He murmured into your knuckles, and your grumpy persona was gone so quickly that Remus wondered if it was ever there to begin with, and you were left instead with a (far more natural) beaming smile.
Sirius made a theatrical gagging sound, but Remus couldn’t help but smile; perhaps the two of you made more sense than he thought.
#marauders era#marauders au#marauders fanfiction#reader insert#self insert#regulus black#regulus black x reader#regulus black x you#sirius and regulus#Lupin!reader#regulus black blurb#regulus black drabble#regulus black imagine#regulus black fic#regulus black ficlet#regulus black x fem!reader#fem!reader#grumpy x sunshine#grumpy/sunshine#grumpy sunshine trope#ellecdc fics
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what friends do
pairing: felix x gn!reader w. 2.1k genre: fluff, a bit of angst and suggestive content summary: at some point a few months ago, felix kissed you for the first time. you didn't mean to catch feelings, but the lazy make-out sessions on his couch were melting your heart. warnings: swearing a/n: this is a fic i wrote on ao3 almost a year ago for @ppiri-bahng! i just wanted to post it on here. unlikely for a part 2 but enjoy :)
At some point a few months ago, Felix kissed you for the first time.
You'd been friends for years up to this point. You met him not long before his debut, so you're his day one. There was always something about the way you interacted with each other that felt so right, and it's why you became such close friends so fast. You spent all the time in the world together, and you'd spend every moment of every day with him, if you could. Felix had agreed with you once that you were soulmates. He was the best friend you'd ever had.
There was nearly nothing you didn't tell or do with Felix. He knew all of your secrets, little facts about you, every person in your life that was significant to you, and it was reciprocated on your end. You two knew each other like the back of your hand, and it felt as if nothing could ever separate you. There was nothing you wouldn't do for Felix, and there was nothing he wouldn't do for you.
So, when he asked if he could kiss you, you said yes.
"Hey."
Your eyes opened, previously closed as your head was slumped onto Felix's shoulder. The television in front of you had some romantic comedy movie on, but you weren't nearly awake enough to know what it was about. You moved your head off of the boy next to you and looked over at him, his chocolate eyes returning your gaze. "Yeah?"
"Would you kiss me?" Felix let his words out nonchalantly, which you struggled to tell if it was the byproduct of his exhaustion or if it was his attitude towards the question in general. His eyes never left yours, so you assumed there was some care behind it.
You shrugged. "Uhh, I don't see why not. Why, do you wanna kiss me or something?" The thought of kissing Felix hadn't really crossed your mind, aside from the few times you stared at his lips a little too long and wondered how soft they were. But really, you'd never thought that way of him.
"I might." Felix pursed his lips and stared at you, which you almost immediately picked up on what he was doing. The look in his eyes and his expression was one you'd seen a million times before, it what was Felix did when he wanted something. You'd usually see it in the context of him wanting some food or to go out, but the look never changed.
Your eyebrows furrowed a little bit, wondering his intentions. Felix never liked you in that way, at least that's what he claimed. "Is this just a totally platonic thing between friends? Why do you want me to kiss you?"
"I just.." Felix trailed off for a moment, tapping his finger on his leg, "I want to kiss you because I miss kissing. The few times I've done it, it was always so nice and fun.. and I thought you'd be chill with it. It's not a romantic thing for me. It's just something I've wanted to do for a while, but I get it if you don't want to."
"No, no.. I get it. If it's not changing anything between us, I don't really see why not. Kissing is fun."
Felix smiled and nodded softly. He let out a sigh of relief and put his arm around your shoulder. "Can I kiss you now?"
"Yeah."
That's where it started. The first time you put your hand on his chest and your lips collided, his hands finding their way to cupping your cheek and the back of your neck, pulling you in close. When you first found out that you were right, his lips were as soft as they seemed. An assortment of little pecks turns slower and into deeper, longer kisses that are more drawn out and intimate. You didn't expect him to kiss you for that long, but you didn't mind. He was a good kisser, which he occupied you with for three minutes the first time around.
Every time the two of you broke apart for little gasps of air, he'd give you these smiles that would break you. Something made kissing him so fun and easy, so addicting and great. The way your hand rose and fell as it stayed planted on his chest made your heart flutter a little. Fuck, wait. No, that's a little too much. A little weird.
Then, it kept happening.
You'd be sitting around in the dorm kitchen, cooking up a meal, and a pair of arms would surround your waist. You'd look down, seeing skinny arms covered in freckles, and smile. Felix needed kisses. You'd tell him to leave you be, that you had to pay attention to your food, but his little pecks on your neck and cheek got you hooked. You'd end up with food burning as you were pressed into the kitchen counter, giving slow, sloppy kisses to Felix for far too long. When he finally let you go, he'd apologize for burning your food and take you out to eat.
Then it was movie night again. Then it was in his room. Then your room.
Felix turned out to love kissing a lot more than you expected. Almost any time you were alone together turned into a lazy make out session. You'd learned the ins and outs of what he liked, how your mouths fit together just right, how eager he was to add tongue, or how he'd always smile into the kiss when you wrapped your arms around his waist or put your hand on his chest.
Every time you'd pull away from him, finally stopping, you'd often end up laying your head on his chest and your head felt fuzzy. Your brain hadn't felt like this before, which was utterly confusing. This was your best friend, but every time you made out with him, your stomach would pull flips and feel like you had butterflies. But, in your head, he was just a friend.
Was he?
You sat on Felix's bed, scrolling your Twitter feed and turning your brain off to the real world. The room was nice and just cold enough for you to be wearing one of Felix's sweaters, which was your favorite. He'd always let you borrow them when it was cold in the house, and they smelled like him. They smelled like home, always taking you to a safe space mentally and cooling your anxiety for a bit.
Peering past your phone, you tuned back in to hear angry phrases coming out of Felix as he sat at his desk. Watching Felix play games was funny, since he never seemed to improve much at them. He always got mad when he lost, and overjoyed when he won. It was obvious he was playing a losing game, and it would be over shortly. You watched on, picking up more about how the game worked, as he gave up and the game ended. He threw his arms up in exasperation, standing up from his desk.
"You okay?" You knew he wouldn't ever really be upset over a game, not in a true way. Though, you always liked to ask so he could vent his frustrations and feel better faster.
"Yeah, fuck, it's just-" Felix let out a long sigh, covering his face with his hands, "I hate playing this game. I always end up losing a bad game and I'm in a bad mood for a while. I don't even know why I play it."
"Awh, 'lix," You opened your arms, "Come here."
Felix walked over slowly to the bed, slumping his body into yours and burying his face in the crook of your neck. Your heart tensed, a warm feeling shooting through your body as you wrapped your arms around him and held him close. He let out soft murmurs, speaking angrily under his breath in an unintelligible way that you couldn't make out what he was saying.
You rubbed his back softly in silence until he finally sat up on his own, looking at you. You met his eyes, entranced in his beauty for a few moments before you looked at his expression. Your eyebrows furrowed. "Felix.."
"Please?"
Fuck. Felix's smooth, deep voice always won you over. As soon as he pleaded with you, you folded for him. Your mouth pursed as you tried to fight off a smile, looking away as you took a deep sigh. "Okay, fine."
Felix smiled giddily and let out a small noise of excitement, which hit you in the gut again. You leaned back against the wall behind you, legs dangling over the short side of the bed as Felix climbed onto your lap. You reached up and brushed a bit of hair out of his face, which he smiled at. Your heart wasn't dealing well with this. Before you could keep thinking, he pressed his lips against yours and you were taken into a mind-numbing state of bliss.
Your arms stayed firmly wrapped around his waist to keep him secure as his hands stayed planted on your neck and cheek. Your kisses were always perfectly slow and tender, Felix never liking to rush through it. The way his lips dragged almost lazily over yours drove you crazy, but you took it at his pace, as much as you'd like to go faster.
At least he was a crazy good kisser. You could never get bored of kissing him, even if you had to spend an hour doing it. You just might, as your longest kissing session went for half an hour with only two small breaks in it. Making out with Felix could take up all your time, and you'd be okay with it. As much as you hated how much you liked kissing him, it was true.
So when he finally pulled away from you a few minutes later, you felt a tensing in your gut. Your lips formed a thin line as you looked down at the bed, unable to contain how you were feeling. Every time you kissed, your feelings for him got progressively worse. You'd reached a breaking point.
"You alright?"
Your chest got a strike of pain through it. The innocence and caring in Felix's deep voice could've shattered you in that moment. You were a house of cards spilled all over the floor. You wanted so badly to tell him a lie, tell him everything was normal and fine, but you knew deep down it wasn't true. You loved him.
"No." Your voice shook, tears forming in your eyes. It was too much to handle.
"Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm here. What's wrong?" Felix stroked your hair softly, leaning down to try to see your face.
You pressed your face directly into his chest, a place that had grown to be your comfort spot. His scent filled you with that soothing feeling, but your stomach turned again and you knew it meant something different now than it did before. A tear slid down your cheek. "I can't do this anymore, Felix. It's too much for me."
"Too much for you? Am I making you uncomfortable? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you," Felix wrapped his arms around you and held you close.
"No, it's not that at all," Your voice broke, trying not to sob, "I think.. somewhere in this whole kissing thing.. I caught feelings for you. I haven't been able to tell you because I didn't want to make it weird, but it was making me feel so guilty.. and I was liking this too much for my own good. I get it if you don't want to hang out with me anymore, Felix. I'm sorry."
Felix froze for a little bit. He continued to hold you and stroke your hair, but he was silent for long enough to make you worry. Your heart ached as you realized that this might be the end of your relationship with him.
"I think I did, too."
"What?" You pulled back suddenly from his chest, meeting his eyes.
Felix's brows furrowed as he nodded. "I wasn't lying when I wanted to kiss you because I missed kissing.. but I think I did it partly because I wanted to kiss you specifically, and I thought I'd fuck things up between us if I tried to make it more than friends."
"Oh, Felix.." You broke into a smile, a few tears still rolling down your face, "You should've told me."
"I know.. I just couldn't get myself to do it. You were in my head all the time, driving me crazy. I knew it wasn't what friends do, but it was the only way I could still be normal friends with you without going mad."
"So, does that mean we can kiss.. like, not just as friends?"
"Yeah."
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