#and boy do i love to yap
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okay so @monstermoviedean is watching s14 rn and her takes are god tier!!! and you should all go read her blog please!
but it just makes me want to talk about lebanon/14.13 so much! like it really is one of my favorite episodes of spn. which is crazy i know because i truly hate john with every fiber of my being but i think this episode reveals so much about him & dean's relationship with him with delicious subtly!
and i've yapped at random on twitter about this but i want to gather all my thoughts in one place.
dean's relationship with john is The most important relationship in spn that i'm interested in unpacking. (i am normal and fine and this has nothing to do with my own issues)
i think for some people who understand john as abusive, it is frustrating and jarring to see him come back after so many years and just be kinda nice. especially given that dean has just finally started to talk to his family about some of the bad things john did.
i maintain that dean has been pretty clear with cas and like random strangers that his dad was shitty. but in 14.11, he tells mary the winchester surprise story. while he doesn't frame the story as truly a critique of john, it is a contrast to his quiet silence and pained expression after newly-resurrected mary says john was a good father in 12.02. in 14.12, dean opens up to sam about how when john was pissed off at dean, he would send him away. this is a stark new light on dean's comments from 7.14 where he apologizes to sam for sometimes "ditching him" when they were kids. sam quickly shuts down dean's apology in 14.12 and subsequent discussion about dean's regrets and feelings about john. but since sam's shift in his opinion about john in 2.02, dean pretty consistently keeps his criticism to himself in front of sam so this is a marked change. and the very next episode script draft includes the infamous "probably pulled the wide-eye hitchhiker routine. dad made me do it all the time on hunts. as bait." so, given the episodes and revelations that bookend 14.13, it's understandable how hard it is to see john and dean interact at all.
but i think it's perfect! because it so clearly shows every truth of their relationship.
firstly, we can look at who john apologizes to. in 1.16, 1.20, and 14.13 john is reunited with sam & dean after time apart. and in all three episodes, he apologizes and/or works to make amends with sam for their fractured relationship. in fact, in 14.13, it's a mention of the winchester surprise that triggers john's apology to sam.
in contrast, the only time john apologizes to dean for his childhood is 2.01 when he says sorry for making dean always have to look after him and sam. and then promptly asks him to kill sam if he has to.
it's crushing to me that at no point does john see the way he treated dean as anything to make amends for. instead, in 1.21 and 14.13, he frames dean not "having a home" or "having a family," "a normal life" as circumstances outside his control or as somehow dean's choice. and yet, john is entirely responsible. he is the one moving dean from school to school, getting him into credit card fraud, taking him on hunts. in 12.09 it's established that dean has as long arrest/warrant record which includes things we never see him getting arrested for in canonical spn. he is the one who always said hunting was temporary (6.02) and yet never allowed for a way out. so even though john's affect is kinder, we know he isn't meaningfully taking accountability for a huge amount of his actions.
it's the reason for the kinder affect we can look at next. because what is one of the most common indicators of abusive dynamics? treating people differently in public vs private. and critically for almost all of 14.13, mary is observing john. and we know that despite their marital problems (5.16), she considered him a good father. he doesn't know that the life he forced sam and dean into is the very worst thing she could have imagined for her children (4.03), but we can tell from his apologies to sam that john is at least aware of things he did which he regrets.
before mary arrives, he is giving sam and dean orders, "You boys better tell me what the hell is going on right now." i recognize he's very disoriented but this affect disappears entirely after mary shows up. i cannot overstate how much i love how not stern and harsh john is here because it shows that he could have always chosen to be like that. but there weren't negative consequences (a wife who might be angry with him) to face.
i've said before that i think one of the reasons that john kept sam & dean away from hunter gatherings and meeting other hunters (2.03, 12.06) is because hunters they met might have acted exactly how dean acts to krissy's dad in 7.11 and told him to quit. the hunters/community john did maintain relationships with were sometimes kinda shitty people - Deacon (2.19), Travis (4.04), Martin (8.09). not that Bobby, Caleb, Pastor Jim, Bill Harvell, Daniel Elkin were necessarily like that but I do think its worth looking at who John's friends who he didn't have a falling-out with were. Like Fred Jones who gave Sam & Dean their first beers when they weren't even 10 (8.08).
some other details about that first reunion kitchen conversation that always stick out to me are john finishing the drink dean pours for him while dean & sam barely touch theirs. it's also significant to me that dean tells mary in 12.01 that john died to save him. but here, he tells john that he died taking out yellow-eyes (which is literally not what happened. like specifically he died by making a deal with azazel). dean, always working to deescalate and maintain the peace, instantly clocks which thing they will each find more soothing to hear.
one thing that i see people often critique is the idea that john coming back is somehow the thing dean wished for the most. but what dean actually says is that this is something he's wanted since he was four years old. so it's really not about john back at all. john died when dean was 27. but mary died when dean was four. and that cause nearly every hard, traumatic, awful thing in dean's life. to some extent, i think it was about wanting john to have mary back. throughout dean's entire life, john used the loss of mary as an excuse for how he acted and what he made dean & sam do. so of course what dean wants most is... for that not to have happened.
and this brings my to my second favorite part of the episode. but you'll only catch if you're paying attention. dean says he's thrilled to have john back and yet at every chance he gets, he leaves the room john's in. he leaves the kitchen when john reunites with mary. dean gets the grocery list from mary while john has a tearful apology with sam. dean talks to john again only because he has to tell him about the pearl but then leaves to help cook. after dinner, he goes to do the dishes. dean really is not actually trying to spend time with john - even when they get a deadline for when their time with him is over, dean is not trying to make the most of it. and god i love him for that.
i sympathize with people who are frustrated to see dean fall back into the role of caretaker for john's emotions and wellbeing. and i agree but i appreciate that it is very clear that's what's happening. he's performing the role he's always been forced to perform. he may be more aware of it as a performance this time. he may be taking more steps to remove himself from having to interact with john. but i would almost feel worse if he wasn't getting john a drink, doing what he said, going on little errands, cooking, cleaning up. john says "You want to give your mom a hand?" and of course he goes.
i think dean always has held both deep hurt from and empathy for john and this episode is full of both of them. and while i think it's always hard to hear dean slip back into those moments of empathy (8.12 is always rough for me), it's so real that's where he would be sometimes. so much of being a child who's made responsible for your parent's emotions means that there is such a deep part of you that wants to protect them from harm.
i personally think the song "til it shines" by bob seger is an insane choice to play over their dinner scene. because, though that's not the part of the song that plays, the lines "Take the chip off of my shoulder. Smooth out all the lines. Take me out among the rustling pines, till it shines, ah, till it shines" always strike me as trying to see something through rose-tinted glasses in a way. or maybe acknowledging the performative, white-washing that's being done?
anyway, i understand why people want dean to have a cathartic yelling session with john. but honestly im not sure that would ever sit right with me. i think honestly 14.13 is kind of perfect. john comes back and it proves everything. john could always be kind (he took you to a freaking baseball game (4.19)). he could always apologize. he always did say he wanted the boys to get out of hunting but never even tried to make it happen.
and that brings me to my favorite part of the episode. my darling. my baby. my treasure. dean says, "i have a family." and what that means to him is his own. he gets to keep it. he gets to mean it without john's scrutiny. without him tearing it apart. the conversation sam & dean have over dishes is another deeply meaningful part. dean specifically rejects the idea of telling john the truth about any of it - even if it would change things. because he's good with who he is. "Cause our lives â theyâre ours."
this matters so much to me because i don't think dean's healing can ever be contingent on john - not on his reaction, not on finally telling him the truth, not on john getting comeuppance for all the shit he did, not even on changing the past so john has more information because the critical thing that 14.13 and 4.19 show is that john literally did not do the best he could. so what could change that?
in the kitchen, dean tells sam that he blamed john for "the longest time". do you understand how much it means to me to hear him say that?! because i think of course blaming john is the first step! dean was hurt and he was angry about that and he should be!
but dean's healing can't just stop there. while i know there will be moments as he heals where he's angry with john again, the beautiful core of dean's healing i see in 14.13 is him being clear on where the boundary of him and his wants, goals, needs, and priorities are vs john's. i think a lot of dean's young relationship with john was him being forced to keep parts of himself (the parts that didn't like to hunt for example) secret out of shame and necessity. but here, i don't think dean is carrying that shame anymore. he is very clear on how what he wants from his life differs from what john would want but dean sticks to his own values. he has a family. he's good with who he is. it's just none of john's goddamn business.
anyway, as always mitski says it best....
plus we get two of THE MOST shots of dean's face of all time for me!!! like my god stabbing me would hurt less!!!
plus! PLUS!! CHERRY ON TOP!!! LOOK AT THESE NOOOOOODLES
in conclusion. your honor, i love her.
#14.13 lebanon#14.13#damn i should have been posting on tumblr alllll along#twitter is so short compared to this#and boy do i love to yap#dean & john#spn meta#i understand i am doing a bit of a restorative reading of this#on purpose#and there are other readings which are totally possible#and make me sadder#but i like this one#dean studies
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in case you are in the mood to feel devastated hereâs an alternate way of viewing charlesâ response to edwinâs confession:
we know that charles kinda puts edwin on a pedestal- yes they are partners but there is a bit of a hierarchy between them. charles just looks up to and admires edwin in so many ways while constantly looking down on and being really hard on himself. he puts on his big happy persona because he thinks that people wouldnât like him if they actually got to know him.
so when edwin confesses, itâs like a blow to him. he took his charming persona too far and went and tricked the most important person in the world into thinking he was worthy of love. and itâs worse because he does love edwin in that way, which is exactly why he canât let him know that. charles still believes that he is like his dad, and he saw exactly what his parentsâ relationship did to his mother.
he thinks that loving edwin in the way that he wants to would only cause more pain to this boy who has already been through far more than he deserves. so he blinks back his tears, attempts the same charming smile heâs used all these years, and dishes out the gentlest non-rejection in the history of forever
#i donât really think this is what happened but my brain just loves to add an extra sprinkle of angst to everything#but honestly the more that i study that scene the more i think this is a possibility#at least to some extent#like specifically his facial reactions after edwin says heâs in love with him#he looks panicked and devastated#almost like it was something he thought about before and was afraid of it happening#and then he cracks his little joke to downplay it because he isnât ready to accept that whatâs really happening#because he already had to watch edwin get dragged away before he could step in to protect him and now this#his two worst nightmares became reality in hell#anyways i do think heâs just oblivious and will figure it out in season 2#but i just wanted to ramble#i do think a lot of the reason why he has to figure things out is because heâs afraid heâs a bad person#so itâs more him figuring out if heâs good enough to love edwin rather than if he actually does#okay iâm done yapping for now#dead boy detectives#payneland#charles rowland
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Wow I have been nonstop thinking about tennis king yuuta and his little baby boy Iâm going to kill you (affectionate) - @yuutito
teeheeeeeeeeeâŠ.. hereâs some more, aleks :â) enjoy :))))))
âEverybody thinks he looks like me, but I donât see it that way. Maybe itâs because every time I look at him, I see my wife and Iâm reminded of her [âŠ] Iâm a little biased so I see her in everything.âÂ
You find yourself with tears welling in your eyes the more you read into Yuutaâs latest magazine interview. Between his sweet quotes and the pictures of him with your son, itâs taking everything in you not to burst into full-blown tears.Â
Your boys look so handsome. You and Yuuta shared your concerns with publicizing your child at such a young age, but you two came to the conclusion that youâd rather have the control in the narrative than to let private family pictures be leaked uncontrollably. As another point of reassurance, Yuutaâs career provided him with just enough lime-light to be a household name without the crazy fame and criticism that came along being a true celebrity. BesidesâYuuta talked enough about you and your son in press conferences and interviews that it was bound to happen sooner rather than later.Â
The article wasnât entirely about you, or your familyâor at least, youâre sure it wasnât intended to be; you knew your husband had a knack for rambling about his loved ones, even where work was concerned. As you continue to read, you find a segment where the author compared Yuutaâs current statements with something similar heâd said about you twelve years agoâat the very start of his professional career: âIf I owe this [winning Gold] to anybody, itâs my girlfriend. Sheâs always believed in me, even when I didnât believe in myself. I wouldnât have qualified or even thought to qualify if it werenât for her.âÂ
It feels like you and Yuuta were just two kids in love back then. You didnât think it could be more than thatâyou didnât think you could love Yuuta more than you did all those years ago, but somewhere along the way just being in love wasnât enough to describe it; Yuuta became your partner, someone you loved fundamentally, but also because you couldnât stand to see yourself without him. And just when you thought you couldnât love anyone nearly as much as you love him, you turn the page to a picture of your husband and son peeping through the holes of a racket and your heart feels full.Â
When you scan the image more closely, you realize that it isnât just any racketâitâs an old one, one youâd given to Yuuta as a gift probably back in high-school. You had no idea heâd kept it, but you suppose you shouldnât be all that surprised; Yuuta is nothing if not sentimental.Â
âAh, there she is~â Yuutaâs voice cuts through your thoughts. When you turn, you see him, with your baby boy on his hip, sliding the back porch door closed.Â
Both boys approach you with a smile on your face, and you set the magazine aside to sit up in the lounge chair to greet them. Yuuta presses a kiss to your forehead, then your lips before you do the same to your son. Immediately after, he reaches his arms out for you, and Yuuta chuckles, âYou wanna be with your mama? Canât blame you, I missed her, too.âÂ
He hands the baby off to you, and takes a seat on the other end of the chair, reaching over to coo at his son as you smother his face in kisses.Â
âHow was the farmerâs market?â you question, letting the baby settle into your lap.Â
âGood, he picked out some very bright peppers, and we got some more strawberries, know youâve been craving them,â Yuuta smiles, reaching over to pat your sonâs head, when the closed magazine catches his eye, and he reaches for it, quickly flipping through, âAhâI guess that interviewâs out. Heâs grown so much, even though it was only a few months ago.âÂ
You find the blush on his cheeks beyond endearing. Yuuta always finds room to be bashful no matter how many times heâs waxed poetic about his love for you, or his familyâhis cheeks always stain pink like the first day you met him.Â
âItâs sweet. Youâre sweet,â you smile, sparing a hand to run through Yuutaâs hair, charmed by the way he leans into your touch, âI didnât know you still had that racket.âÂ
âOf course, I keep everything you give me,â he says, earnestly. He closes the magazine and scoots a little closer, taking advantage of the proximity and of your touch to lay his head on your shoulder, âDid you⊠read all of it?âÂ
âAlmost, but no, why?â you question, with a light-hearted grin, âDid you say something that would lead the world to believe youâre somehow even more in love with me? Because you might already be past the threshold, dear.âÂ
Yuuta hums. He reaches to take you son out of your lap and carefully shifts himself to that heâs laying down, his head on your lap, and the baby in his arms, happily giggling and cooing as Yuuta holds him up. He lowers and raises him back and forth a few times, nuzzling their noses together when their faces are close, before sitting him up on his chest.
Then he tilts his head up to look at you, wide, love-filled eyes blinking slowly before he says, âMaybe⊠depends on if me saying I want more kids is past the threshold or not.âÂ
#answered#this is like... set before the press conference drabble and interview is like when the baby is maybe 9mos?#and comes out when baby boy is just shy of 1 year teehee#yuuta my wife my wife my wife okkotsu#has plenty of gold medals around his neck in pictures and the quotes are still oh i love my wife ~~~#SICK!!!! I NEED HIM!!#he would enjoy this level of fame i think bc he gets to yap to the whole word about his family#but then its still chill yk? like paparazzi dont stalk him people dont follow him and interrupt his day#he just gets to do what he loves and have enough money to support his family#and come back to you and your baby every day... dream life for him#also not pictured bc money and power is attractive sorry: the back porch door opens to the lounge/porch ofc#but beyond that pls imagine a regulation size tennis court#and all the expensive tennis accuoutrements one might need#see also also on the OTHER side of the backyard: the regulation size swimming pool that you dont need but yuuta thinks the kid(s) should#learn to swim... also for gojo LOLOLLLL#yuuta x reader#yuuta.ask#tennis au
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So i drew some fanart of @pompadorbz sorry boys "still wakes the deep" au ! I had fun with the more action filled drawings, and definetly wanna do more >:P
While drawing, i got to brainstorming about what character roles the boys might take in the story. Like, charlies probably caz, and maybe phil is caz's friend whos a cook (i forgot his name) but then i thought about if characters like Rennick had a coresponding cc, and i immediately thought about schlatt. So, i have ideas about what expanding the au might look like, but this isnt MY au, so for now ill hold off on yapping my ideas and just share what ive drawn for now
But either way, i REALLY enjoy this au and love all the ansgt potential it has. Like i was thinking, who out of the boys would end up being the last one? (Aka, taking caz's place at the end of the story with the lighter) and thought that, out of the boys, it would just make the most sense to be tommy. And thats HORRIBLE, AUGH ITS SO SAD but i LOVE IT
Anyways, sorry for the rambling, i hope you guys enjoy the art :] i still have to draw that other scene with charlie on the elevator, tho, so i might come back with more later
#i genuinely really do like this au and have so many ideas about how to expand the lore#but i need to stop getting so hyperfixated on one story and making more and more uneeded lore#it really is a problem#so for now im just sharing this fanart#which was actually really fun to draw btw!#also i really love the art style of the aus op and honestly think it fits the vibe so well#its like one of those really simplistic indi horror games that ends up being literally terrifying in a good way#anyways ive yapped long enough i hope you like the fanart#slimecicle#charlie slimecicle#ranboo#ranboo fanart#tommyinnit#tommyinnit fanart#philza#philza fanart#sorry boys
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I miss yuchea so...look at my beautiful boy
#doodz#twst#twisted wonderland#malleyuu#<i guess#i miss him sm i dreamt someone made a malleyuchea animation đ„č#i just love showing him off i love them so much#repost*#thank u for looking at my lovely boy again. so i wanna yap a bitâș#yuchea isnt their universe proper yuu! they arrived 2 years before the event of the game so the 1st 2nd year art is back then#yuchea actuslly do have magiv thats why when their overblot happened spontaneously it fuvk him up real bad !!#yeah â€â€ i love yuchea so much i always miss them (doesnt draw him)
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sun hasnât even risen yet and Iâm feeling so emotional about how Dan is living proof that growth takes time but is so worth it and sometimes you donât work through the hard stuff until youâre well into adulthood bc just getting by took enough energy and you simply didnt have the tools yet and we now know that things got so dark for him and im sure the darkness will come again bc thatâs how these things go but now heâs smiling with his crows feet and laugh lines and silly clothes bc now he can love his body enough to put it in silly outfits before going out into the world and heâs goofy and playful and in love and idk guys life can be so defeating and it sure was for him at times but here he is this gleaming imperfect beautiful example of work and growth and acceptance and self love
#love you Dan Iâm sorry that Iâm such a sap about Dan#but idk man itâs 15 yrs and he was just a boy and then he was just a scared mess#trying to keep everything under control#and now he doesnât have to bc heâs safe in himself#and Liamâs dead and maybe that tangentially has something to do with how Iâm feeling#bc man Iâve lost so many people to mental illness#and I know itâs so complicated and to use that broad stroke categorization to describe something so personal is simply wrong#but itâs also not all that complicated we just need to feel safe and worthy and loved and need to have enough space in our psyche for hope#enough space to imagine a tomorrow. and when you donât have that itâs so hard to just keep on trudging through the mess. but it is worth it#and the fog clears#dan and phil#dan howell#me yapping
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theres just so much comedy potential for twst ships to go on double date hang outs.... leomal (malleo?) + kalisil go to the beach or something. kalims burying silver in the sand while leona and malleus try to drown each other in the ocean :^)
#twst#kalim al asim#silver twst#leona kingscholar#malleus draconia#kalisil#malleo#silkali#twisted wonderland#cereal tries to draw#for every tag i add to a post that isnt just me yapping i fear i will be . killed.#drawing leona is so fun i love a good hater moment#i think maleus and leona arent even dating [yet] in this scenario#they just kinda got roped along for the ride#i was just thinking about how theres that running joke in the game of like#kalim and silver specifically just Missing The Point and being so good boy about everything#that like they dont notice the mega hater aura around everyone else#like in that one vignette where leona was like I Fucking Hate Malleus Draconia#and silver was like wow. i cant believe malleus made a friend. this is great.#meanwhile sebek is like i have to kill this man NOW!!!!! god theyre so funny. anyway#and kalim always being like LEONA MY GOOD BUDDY AND FRIEND WE ARE GONNA HAVE SOOOO MUCH FUN TOGETHER#and leonas like I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE!!!! fairy gala and playful land my beloved lol#plus kalim and silver want malleus to be included in things and have a good time SO!!! combine the good boy powers they can do it#they can make a maleleo date happen somehow LOL and they can hold hands while they do it....#leona and malleus somehow suckered into making it a bet of who would back out first or w/e idk#stupidass bitches like well. ill kick your ass at being a good date and having fun. prepare to die#and kalim and silver are like im glad theyre having fun too :^)
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Hey!! For your next fic could you do Leo and Mikey angst
It came be 2012, MM or rise
~ đđđâđđ đđđđ đđđđđ đąđđ ~
đđąđ§Ą đ”đđ đđđđđđđđđ đđą: @tmntalways đđąđ§Ą
·̩̩̄ÍïŒ*âąÌ©Ì©Íâ©âąÌ©Ì©Í*Ëđ·đ, đđđđđđđđđđ!!! đž đđđđ đąđđ đđ đđđđ đđđ âčïžđâŠđž đđđđ đđđđđđą đđđ đž đ đđđâđ đđđđ đđ đđđđđđđđ đąđđđ đđđđđđđ đ đđđ đąđđ đ đđđ đđ đđđđđđ đđđ đž đđđđ đđđ đđđą đąđđ đđđ đđđđ đđđđ đđđ đđđ đđđđ đđđđđ©·!!! đ°đđđđđđđ, đž đđ đđđđđ đžâđ đđđ đđđ đđđđ đ đđđ đđ ïżœïżœïżœđđđđ đđ đđ đ đđđđđđđđđâđ đđđđđ đđ đ đđđđđą đ
đđŸ! đž đđđ đđđ đđđđđđđđđ đđđđ đ đđ đđđ đđđđ đđđđđ đđđđđđ đđđ đđđ đđđđđ đđđđđđđđđâđ đđđđđ đ đđ đđđđđđđâ đž đđđđ đđđđâđ đđđđđđđ đ« âŠË*âą Ì©Ì©Íâ©âąÌ©Ì©Í*ïŒÂ·Ì©Ì©Ì„Í
đ¶đđđđ: đ·đđđ/đđđđđđđ
đđđđđ: đč,đžđŸđŸ
đ»đđ: đŒđđđđą đąđ§Ą
đ»đđ: đ»đđ đąđ
đđđđđđđą: đŒđđđđąâđ đđđđ đđđđđđđâŠđđđđđđđđđâŠđđđđđđđđđŁđđ, đđđđđđđđđđâŠđđđ đ đ đđđđ đđđđđ đđ đđđđđ đđđđđđ đđđđ đđđđđ đ đđđ 'đđ'. đ°đđ đđđ đ đđđđ đđđđ đđ đđ đđđ? đ·đ đđđđđâđ đđđđ đđđ đđđ đđđđ đđ đđđđ đđđđđ đđđđđđđđ đđ đđ đđąâŠ
đđđđ: @shut-up-jo @someone1348 @saturnzskyzz
@savemeafruitjuice @rice-cake-teen10 @mistyandsnow
@skyloladoodles @itzsana-kiddingmenow @titters-and-tingles
(đ°/đœ: đđ đđđ đđ đđą đđđđđđđđđđđ đđđ đđ đđđđđâŠđđđ *đ°đ·đŽđŒ* đđđđ đđđđđđđđđđđą: đłđđâđ đđ đđđđ đđđą! đ*đđđđ đđđ đșđđđ/đœđđ”đ đđđđđ đłđœđž!!!)
đđđđđđđđ: đđđđ đđđđđđđđđđđ đđđđđđđđ, đđđđđđđđđđ đđđđ-đđđđ đđđđđđđđ, đđđđđđđđ đđ đ đđđđđđđđđđđđ, đđđđđ đđđ đđđđđđđđ. đżđđđđđ đżđđđđđ đżđ»đŽđ°đđŽ đđđđ đđ đąđđđ đđ đ đđđđ!!!
đđŽđŒđžđœđłđŽđ: đđđ đđđâđ đđđđ đđ đđđđ đ°đłđ·đł đđđ/đđ đ đđđđđđ đđđđđđđđ đđ đđđđđđ đđ đđđđ đđđ!!! đđđđ đđđđđą đđ đđđđđ đđ đđą đđ đ đđđđđđđđ đđĄđđđđđđđđđ đ đđđ đđ đđđ đđ đđ đđđđ đđđ đđđđđąđđđ đđ đđđđđą âșïžđđđđ
ïŒ*âąÌ©Ì©Íâ©âąÌ©Ì©Í*Ëđ°đđđđ đđą đđđđđđđ đșđŸâšđđ¶Ë*âąÌ©Ì©Íâ©âąÌ©Ì©Í*ËïŒÂ·Ì©Ì©Ì„Í
Mikey couldnât do anything right now. LikeâŠanything.
WellâŠperhaps he was being a bit too dramatic. He was breathing. And he was fidgeting with his squishy cube. So saying he wasnât doing 'anything' wasnât entirely true.
Right now he justâŠcouldnât do anythingâŠproductive.Â
For example, the box turtle tried making his favorite dishes and deserts! But that endeavor just ended up being a huge mess in the kitchenâŠand leaving the youngest turtle with a bunch of unappetizing food.Â
Which he fed all to Raph by the way.Â
Some would call that choice of action cruel but Mikey would just call it 'using his resources'.Â
Besides, itâs not like the eldest minded at all. He said, and I quote: 'It has a niceâŠcrunchy feeling to it. Did you put some of Donâs inventions in this?'
Which honestly got a couple of chuckles out of the smallest turtle teen of the bunch.
Then, Mikey tried skateboarding! But for once in all his 14 years of livingâŠit was just utterly boring.Â
And after all of that nonsense, Mikey then finally tried reading a comicâŠbut he was too unfocused to even get to the second pageâŠ
But what was really new? Mikey could never focus on jackshit even if said jackshit hit him right in the shell.Â
His brothers and sister would always have to remind him to stay focused or 'not do this' or 'not do that'.
For example, a couple days ago Donnie had to kindly remind the box turtle (wellâŠas kindly asïżœïżœDonnie could be anywayâŠ) to brush his teeth.
To. Brush. His. Fucking. Teeth.Â
And honestly? Having to be reminded to do that was really embarrassing. And the orange banded teen knew his brother didnât mean to humiliate him internallyâŠbutâŠyeah.
And itâs not like the softshell was wrong either! The youngest turtle just couldnât freaking accept that he himself couldnât do such a simple task in the morning.Â
But literally every task he completely fails to do is just utterly simple ones!
Like cleaning his room or not forgetting things or even keeping track of time!Â
âŠAnd the sad part about all of it was Mikey just honestly could not understand how his family havenât gotten sick of his annoying tendenciesâŠ
And letâs be for real hereâŠthat was basically all of his tendencies.Â
The box turtle groaned loudly in his room, slamming his whole body on his bed as he screamed into his pillow.Â
There had to be something he could do instead of just wallowing in his own self pityâŠ
And one of those options could not consist of bothering his family with his random bad mood. They had to put up with him 24/7âŠthe least he could do was give them some space.
The youngest then glanced at his drawing notebook hopefullyâŠ
âŠOne little sketch of something random wouldnât hurt, right?
The amber eyed teen reached for his notebook, grabbing a pen from his drawer as he started to sketch his desk because why the absolute fuck not? Based on the objects heâs drawn in the pastâŠsketching a simple desk should and will be easy, right? Right.Â
That was until the orange banded teenâs pencil tip broke. But it was fine! He could just re-sharpen it, right? Right.
That was until the youngest realized he had absolutely no clue where his sharpener was due to the fact his room looked like a pig stie. And there was no way he was looking for it inâŠthat whole situation.Â
âŠThe situation he created in the first place.Â
Michelangelo layed on his bed with his face staring at the ceiling in frustration, he ran his fingernails along his arms, not making really deep cuts with them but going deep enough for it to hurt a bit.
Like a reasonable turtle would, Mikey should probably get one of his stress toysâŠor better yet, another pencil!
But letâs be for real hereâŠheâd most likely find a way to fuck that up too.
Suddenly, there was a small, quiet knock on Mikeyâs door butâŠin all honesty? He just wanted to crawl into his shell and sob for the next hour and a half. Letting out a niiiiice and quick 'come in' would take way too much energy.Â
The box turtle let out a soft grunt, letting whoever was on the other side know it was a-okay to come in.
Abruptly, Leo peeked in the room, a wide smile plastered on his face as he closed the door, âDamn, MikesterâŠit looks like every single natural disaster went through your roomâŠâ
âIâm cleaning it.â The youngest grumbled to his brother.
âReally? You sure about that, little bro? Because if my memory serves me correct (which it in-fact does), you said that last week. And the week before thatâŠand the week beforeââ
âI SAID IâM FUCKING CLEANING IT!!!â The orange banded turtle snapped, sitting up on the bed to glare at his immediate older brother before slowly realizing what he just did.Â
The youngestâs heart dropped as he looked away from his brother. The orange banded mutantâs eyed widened as silent and small tears ran down his face. He covered his mouth as his other hand turned to a fist, his nails unforgivingly digging into his palm.
âI-Iâm sorryâŠIâm s-sorryâŠI-Iâm so s-sorryâŠ!â He started, rocking himself back and forth before stopping as he was met with a warm embrace. Leonardo hugged him gently but firmly, rubbing the otherâs shell in a comforting hold. âWoah woahâŠ! Bud, you have nothing to apologize forâŠâ The slightly older teen said as he rested his chin on the top of his baby brotherâs head.
âL-Like h-hell I donât. I-I just screamed a-at y-you for no reasonâŠâ Michelangelo wobbly said. âYou were just trying to lighten the mood but I just had to make everything harder like I-I always doâŠ!âÂ
âMikeyââ
âI-I always do this. I-Iâm so f-fucking s-sorry LeoâŠâ
âMikesterâŠI-I appreciate the apology but it seriously isnât necessaryââ
âYouâre probably so sick of me and so angry at me. I-Iâm sorry I justââ
âMikey!â Leo gently yelled to get the otherâs attention, squeezing the smaller turtleâs hands as he stared straight at him with pleading eyes. âDo I look mad?â
ââŠN-No.â
âDo I sound mad?â
ââŠNo.âÂ
The second youngest sadly smiled, âSo what are you apologizing for, hm?â
ââŠI-IâŠdunnoâŠI-I justâŠI just felt I needed to apologizeâŠâ The box turtle mumbled as he looked at his hands. The blue banded turtle sighed, slowly getting out of the hug so him and his little brother faced each other. The slider rubbed the other turtleâs palm with his thumb comfortingly, ââŠDo you wanna talk about it, baby bro?â
The leader in blue was just met with silenceâŠwhich he could honestly work with.
âAngeloâŠyou know you can tell meâŠanything, right? LikeâŠanything. Although, it doesnât have to be me you talk to about it. It could be Raph or Don or April or even Dad or Draxum! I justâŠdonât want you sitting here and bottling up the way you feelâŠâÂ
Silence. Leo continued.
âYouâre always there when we need you, Angel. Whether itâs to vent or to just ramble about shit, youâre justâŠalways there. We donât tell you this enough but we appreciate you always being someone we can lean onâŠâ
Silence. Leo continued.
âButâŠyou do know you can lean on us too, right? Comfort goes both ways and I can see youâre hurting, buddy. So pleaseâŠif you need to talk to meâŠIâm right here.â
Mikey sniffled, squeezing Leoâs hand, âI-I d-dunno. Today is justâŠweird. This whole week has just beenâŠweird.â Leo nodded, giving his brother his full undivided attention, âHow so?â
âI justâŠhavenât been able to do anythingâŠâ The smaller teen admitted.
âWhat do you mean?â The taller teen inquired.Â
âI havenât been able to doâŠanything. Like, I canât draw, cook or even skateboard! Me!!! Not being able to skateboardâ isnât that crazy?!â The amber eyed turtle laughed bitterly.
âAnd itâs not like I canât do it. Iâm perfectly freaking capable of doing it in the right amount of time I want but my brain just. wonât. let. me!âÂ
âI keep procrastinating and not doing the stuff I want to do and I have no idea why! Iâm tired of just putting things off and being this way! I want to do things without having to ask you guys for help or to remind me or to relate it with a hyperfixation that I have!â Mikey hiccuped, a new wave of tears rolling down his face as his hands shook.Â
The amber eyed teen sniffled, refusing to look at his immediate older brother at all right now becauseâŠholy shit he just overshared a whole lotâŠ
LikeâŠa whoooooooooole freaking lot.
ââŠThat sounds like you.â Leonardo shrugged.Â
In a state of just shock and confusion, the box turtle pulled his hands away from his brother, looking up at him as lime green eyes met amber ones. âIâŠwhatâŠ?â Michelangelo murmured.
âI said that sounds like you.â Leo said again casually as Mikey glared at him, âYeah. I heard what you said but that isnât helpful.â
âIâm just being honest with you, Mikester.â Leo said, âJustâŠlet me explain, okay?â
ââŠYou have five minutes before I kick you out of my room.âÂ
âDeal.â The lime green eyed mutant commented, âYou canât draw, cook or skateboard right now. Youâre procrastinating and not doing the stuff you want to do in the time you plannedâŠis that correct?âÂ
Michelangelo sent deathly daggers to his brotherâ which the other wasnât phased by at all. This time was probably the best time to crawl in his own shell and just sob his eyes out because what kind of dumbass question was his dumbass brother asking him?!
ââŠYes.â The orange banded teen mumbled.Â
âAndâŠwhy are those bad things?âÂ
âWHY?!â The box turtle huffed out a laugh of annoyance, âPfftâ youâre asking me why. Maybe itâs because itâs annoying?! Maybe because itâs frustrating to deal with and I donât want to burden you guys with my problems?! Maybe because I donât want to fucking feel or be this way?!â The youngest shouted, breathing heavily as he finished his rant.Â
The box turtle looked away again, silently cursing at himself for getting annoyed so easily. âMikey.â Leo started again, âYour being too hard on yourself, okay? No one is expecting you to be at your 100% all the time.âÂ
âWhat you just described to me; you being able to not focus or you getting bored easily or procrastinating with stuff isâŠliterally you. Youâre just being you.â The slider explained as he held his baby brotherâs hand in his. âAnd I get it. Itâs hard to deal with it sometimes and itâs going to be hella frustrating. LikeâŠsuper borderline frustrating. But you canât shun them away and justâŠtry to ignore them, bubsâŠâ
âLetâs take moi for example. Iâm impulsive, I talk loud and lose things daily. Those three things donât make up my whole personality but it would be super weird and off-putting if I justâŠdidnât do or have those three things, right?âÂ
The youngest giggled wetly, âYeahâŠit would. A-And by the way, Iâm still waiting for you to find that glittery pen kit I gave youâŠâ
Leonardo groaned loudly and dramatically, causing the other teen to giggle louder, âIâm looking for it, okay?! Itâs in my roomâŠsomewhere.â The taller mutant mused, âBut anywaysâŠback to you. You procrastinate, you relate things to your hyperfixations and you canât do some of your favorite tasks from time to timeâŠthose are some traits that make up you, is it not?âÂ
Mikey sniffled, rolling his eyes playfully due to the fact he knew damn well where this was going, âYeahâŠâÂ
Leo smiled softly, seeing his younger brother was starting to get his point, âI wouldnât change a single thing about you, okay? I know sometimes itâs hard to deal with the things you described but you have us for that.â He said as his smile turned to a grin.Â
âYou can come to meâ to usâ anytime. We love you for who you areâŠyour flaws and all and we justâŠI-I need you to know that we love you so so muchâ!â The slider was cut off by a sudden abrupt embrace from the box turtle. The orange banded teen sobbed into the otherâs shoulder, clutching the taller turtle like a lifeline.Â
âT-Thank youâŠâ The box turtle wobbly said through tears. Â
âOf course, Angel.â Leo said as he hugged his baby brother back, âI love you.â He said as he kissed the other teen on the head.
âI-I l-love you tooâŠâ
.
.
.
.
.
.
âTell your thoughts to shut up.â Leo said as he lightly poked Mikey in the forehead numerous times. The two were sitting on the box turtleâs bed just simplyâŠrelaxing and enjoying each otherâs company. Michelangelo was sitting in between his older brotherâs legs as he had his shell to his brotherâs plastron.
Leonardo hugged his brother protectively, resting his chin on the top of the box turtleâs head. âWhat do you mean?â The youngest giggled out. âI can hear your thoughts, man. Youâre not bothering me or disturbing me in any way, shape or form, alrightâŠ?âÂ
The amber eyed turtle nodded, squeezing Leoâs hand, âY-YeahâŠI know...âÂ
âIâm choosing to be here because I love you. I donât feel obligated to be here, okay? Youâre not annoying and you, neither your problems are a burdenâŠokay?â The slider said reassuringly, âItâs okay to ask us for helpâŠand we donât mind reminding you to do thingsâŠokay?âÂ
âYouâve said âokayâ like, fifty timesâŠâ
âMikey.âÂ
âMhmâŠyeah yeahâŠI gotchaâŠâ
The elder looked at his brother skeptically, resting his chin on his little brotherâs shoulder so they made solid eye contact, âI want you to say it.âÂ
ââŠSay what exactly?â
âI want you to say that you are an amazing person and you donât need to change a single thing about yourself.âÂ
âYou are an amazing person and you donât need to change a single thing about yourself.â Michelangelo grinned smugly. Leonardo glared at the youngestâs interpretation to his statement, âMikey, you know exactly what I meant.âÂ
âI said what you wanted me to sayâŠsoâŠâ The amber eyed teen trailed off.
âMichelangelo.â The slider said in a warning tone as he poked the otherâs side. The box turtle squeaked at the unexpected touch, trying to stop his immediate older brother from doing it again but his brother had a strong but gentle grip on himâŠ
Then the smallest turtle came to recognition that he was stuck in a potential tickle hug with no way outâŠ
âŠHow wonderful.Â
âL-LeeheeoâŠdoohoo nahat.â The orange banded mutant warned through his giggles, said warning not seeming too threatening due to the fact he was already laughing up a storm. The leader in blue raised a brow, poking the otherâs side repeatedly, âI just want you to repeat what I saidâŠin the first person.â The taller teen specified.
The smaller turtle squirmed in the hug, small frantic giggles pouring out of his mouth. ThisâŠreally wasnât how he was expecting his day to go. Just about an hour ago, he was wallowing in sadness about the stuff he hated about himself, to talking about it with his brother, to now getting tickled by his brother.
âŠSo could he really complain about how things turned out?
âŠYes. Yes, he absolutely could. Â
âLeeheeon! Plehease dohonât!â The youngest squealed as one of his brotherâs hands hovered over his stomach. Mikey held onto the otherâs wrists, trying to stop his elder brother from tickling him but his small attempts ending up to be all for nothing as Leo effortlessly tickled his stomach with one hand.
âLEEHEEHAHAHA!!â Michelangelo laughed wholeheartedly, swatting at his brotherâs arms. The lime green eyed turtle cooed at the gesture, now using both of his hands to attack the youngestâs plastron, âD'awwâŠlook at you giggling your head off~! Youâre my adorable little bundle of amazingness, arenât you~?â
The smaller teen shook his head, a faint blush appearing on his face, âSTAHAâ squeal N-NAHAHA!â
âWhat~? What was that?â The blue banded mutant asked as he kneaded the box turtleâs hips. âGYAHAHâ squeal SHIHIHIT! COHOME OHAHAN!!!â The amber eyed turtle cried frantically as he kicked his legs on the mattress slightly.Â
The youngest squealed with laughter, curling in on himself as he slumped in his big brotherâs hold. Leonardo just sighed fondly at the action, wrapping the other in another hug as he raspberried his neck. âLEEHEEHEE!! PLAHAHâ squeak NAHAHAT THEHERE squeak PLEHEASE PLEHEASEâ squeak!!!â
âNot there~?â The elder lightly mocked, âWhat aboutâŠhere~?â He mused as he used his hands to scribble all over the younger turtleâs ribs. Mikey cackled, shaking his head to try and at least subside the tickly feelings.
âNAHAHAâ squeal AHAHAHA!! NAHAHAT THEHEHERE EHEâ squeal EHEHEITHER!!! LEEHEEO!!â The orange banded turtle squeaked as Leo stopped for a second, âIâve tried sooooo many spots, buddy! How many times are you gonna say not there, hm?â
Mikey genuinely squawked louder than a firefighter siren, squirming so much it looked like he was actually being electrocuted. âPLEHEHAHA LEEHEEO NAHAHAT THEHEHE RIHIHIBS!!!â He cackled.Â
âNot the riiiibs~? Why~? Is it because itâs your tickle spot~? Your tickletickletickle spot~? Because youâre ticklish~?â Leonardo asked as he lightly nibbled the crook of Mikeyâs neck.Â
Michelangelo screamed in laughter, scrunching up his shoulders as he dug his heels on the bed, a couple of his plushies sadly falling on the floor (R.I.P. manâŠ) âEEEHEEHEEP!!! S-STAHAP BEEHEEING MEEHEAN!â Mikey said as he thrashed on the bed.Â
The slider said nothing, his hands sneaking up to the box turtleâs underarms. âAAAAHAHAHA! OHO NOHOHOâ squeak SHIT! SHIHIHAHAT!â
Happy tears slowly begin to appear in the smallest teenâs eyes, he weakly hit Leoâs arms as a last attempt to be set free, âLEHEHEMME squeal GOHOHOHO!âÂ
âOhonly if you sahay it, bubs.âÂ
âIHIHIâ SQUEAK!! LEEHEEHEEON!!!âÂ
âYeeeees, baby brother~?â The elder dragged out as he kneaded the otherâs hips.
âIHIâLL SAHAY IHIHAT I-IHIHIâLL SAHAHAY IHIT!!â The amber eyed teen squealed.Â
âAnd you promise not to be a sassy little shit about it~?â The older teen asked.
âSQUEAK YEHAHAHAâ SQUEAK YEHES YEHES I-I PROHOHOMISE!âÂ
Leo stopped tickling his little brother, hugging him protectively as the youngest caught his breath slowly but surely. âW-WahaitâŠwhahat squeak wahas ihihat yohou eeheeven wahanted me squeak to sahay again?âÂ
The taller turtle pondered for a bit, thinking to himself before loudly groaning, âThatâsâŠa good damn question. I donât really remember exactly what I wanted you to say in the first placeâŠâ The lime green eyed turtle sighed, âForgetfulness at its finest...âÂ
The red eared slider adjusted himself, making sure the other was comfortable before starting to speak again, âWellâŠbased on what we talked aboutâŠcould you maybe justâŠy'knowâŠâ Leo gestured with his hands before groaning, âDo you get what Iâm trying to say, man?âÂ
ââŠI thihink I have ahan ideaâŠâ Mikey giggled as he fiddled with his hands, âI shouldnât beat myself up so much because of some of my traits or quirks. And Iâm allowed to feel frustrated and/or upset because things donât go my way because of them. ButâŠI shouldnât allow those things to put me down...â
Michelangelo smiled softly, rubbing his palm with his thumb, âThey donât define me as a person but they make me a person. I donât need to be at my best 100% and Iâm allowed to have bad days. And if things get too overwhelming or difficult I can just go to you guys.âÂ
Mikey hugged himself, letting out a small laugh as his happy tears welled up in his eyes, âIâm justâŠbeing me. And thereâs nothing wrong with that.â Leonardo teared up at his brotherâs words, hugging him tighter than he ever had before and burying his face at the back of the youngestâs head.
âNever forget that, MiguelitoâŠnever forget that.âÂ
·̩̩̄ÍïŒ*âąÌ©Ì©Íâ©âąÌ©Ì©Í*Ëđ”đžđœË*âąÌ©Ì©Íâ©âąÌ©Ì©Í*ËïŒÂ·Ì©Ì©Ì„ÍÂ
(đż.đ.: đžđ đąđđ đđđđđąđđ đđđđ đđđ, đđđđđđ đđđđđđ!!!)
#Rottmnt tickle#Rottmnt tickle fic#Rottmnt tickle fanfiction#Lee!Mikey#Ler!Leo#MWYAHSHSHHSAN#This is actually so silly I love this đđđ#I hope you guys enjoyed the angst đ€Ș#ADHDERS AND PPL WITH ADHD TENDENCIES UNITE đđŸđđ©·đđđđâŒïžâŒïžâŒïž#Adhd is a bitch đ€âŠ#Leo can be an asshole at times but he doesnât mean to I swear đđ#My boy just copes with jokes but he has a hard time understanding that not EVERYONE copes like that#So when Mikey snapped at him and started breaking down he was like: âđ -> đ -> đ -> đ -> đ«ąâ#I HATTTEEE forgetting to brush my teeth đâŠitâs so damn nasty man#AND NOT BEING ABLE TO DRAW LIKE YOU USED TOâïžâïžâïž GRAUGHHHH REAL SHIT#I care about these two sm omfg#I need more content with these tWO LOOK AT THEM đ„čđđ§Ą!!!#âTell ur thoughts to shut up đâ msndhjsjss peak sibling comment#Also I changed my writing style a TEEEEENSY weensy bit if you havenât guessed#For a whileâŠI havenât like the **âs I put at the noises that characters made when they laughed :/#Soooo I tried just doing it in italics and AHHUUGHFHS đđđđđđ©·đđđ#IT LOOKS SM BETTER#I just wanted the laughing to seem more natural#Your just being you guys đ«¶đŸ#DONâT BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF PLEASEEEE#Eat some snacks!!! Drink some water/juice!!! Exercise!!!#Your allowed to feel the way you do so just take it easy âșïžđđŸ#IâM RUNNING OUTTA TAGS BUT IF ANYONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE BEHIND THE STAGE WORKS ON HOW I MADE THIS I CAN ALWAYS YAP TO YOU ABT IT đđ€đŸ#I donât think I implied this very well but Leo feels the same way Mikey feelsâŠso thatâs why he was so PERSISTENT on making sure Mikeyâs alr#But Leo take his own advice challenge GO đŁïžđŁïžđŁïžâŒïžâŒïžâŒïž Maybe a pt. 2 đ«ą??? Idk yet lolololololol
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hong kong miku,,,
#hopping on the trend jumpscare iâm from hong kong surprise#i havenât seen that many hk mikus around#lowkey chat i think i kinda ate with this one#however i will say i am coloring in the dark so if any colors look off thatâs why#and also i havenât opened this program in literal months i jumped straight into this no warmup no nothing#miku is what pulls me out of art block apparently i was locked in for 5 hours STRAIGHT#someone needs to teach me how to paint properly holy#not sure how i feel about the bottom left one but that was a quick one anyways#i am from hk originally but i havenât been back in years so i have no idea about the culture other than food and mirror#OKAY let me explain the context#street food is a big thing in hk and quick and easy things like fish balls egg waffles and like siu mai and wonton noodles are popular#back then people really would just squat down on the side of the road or right in front of the shop to eat it and go#but i donât think anyone does that anymore city life and all that#ohh i should have done instant noodles breakfasts god i loved those#if anyones from hk if you go to the causeway bay mtr station exit that leads up to the big road near sogo. do they still sell siu mai there#that shit was BANGER i remember asking for them all the time#a good majority of parents in hk would get their daughters ears pierced as a baby something about them not feeling as much pain idk#thatâs just what i was told#i used the neon for her friendly standard greeting cause i wanted to incorporate the neon signs somehow without actually drawing a whole bg#lots of neon signs in hk. i heard they had to take them down cause of light pollution which is sad but understandable#everyone got their shoes from dr kong. at least when i was younger they did#boy band is self explanatory. i heard theyâre really popular my mom listens to them#oh i had her messing with her shoes cause hk people move FAST. you stop for one second and you get shoved#so like a fun little allusion#gave her black roots just for fun. she is violating every school uniform code possible#this is all based off of my memory by the way so like. anyone who knows this better than i do hit me up#hatsune miku#miku from my culture#jellos scribbles#i havenât tag yapped in so long welcome back my love i missed you
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You called me "Squirt," silly. Remember why? [No.] Oh, Martyâ okay. But you do remember, though, that I used to be left in there for hours, days on end. Completely alone, right? Only â I was never really alone, was I? Big Brother was always watching. You were always watching, weren't you, Marty? Huh? But... growing boys have certain... needs, shall we say.
THE BOYS 4.04 | Wisdom of the Ages
#sorry this is ugly. long gifs + bad at colouring + i'm not a gifmaker. but this scene is giving me brainworms#definitely adds another layer to 'i can do whatever i want' at the end of s2...#homelander#the boys#theboysedit#the boys gifs#the boys spoilers#cw csa#i guess it's funny to see all the HL apologia from casual viewers following this episode bc everyone should get to 'kill their abusers'#even tho his express purpose for returning to the bad room is stamping out the last vestiges of his humanity. it's not a positive step#his ire is misdirected -- he is not killing them for the abuse but for instilling in him a need for love#for being the last people on earth who know him as 'john.' but his humanity is not at fault for what happened to him!#imp to note also that frank marty & barbara are just extensions of the institution that has dehumanized and abused him all his life#just as vogelbaum and edgar and even madelyn were#and he is still heading back to vought towerâ€ïž#(yes half the reason i make these sets is so i can yap in peace in the tags)
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i canât do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I donât want to do it Iâm just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. Iâll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. Iâd love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period canât decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damnâŠ.#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally wonât die. itâll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but Iâm still stressing myself about it so my thoughts arenât really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I donât really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? itâs been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just donât#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but itâs not very fun when it feels like Iâm going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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Okay serious question, how do I keep a friend away who I stopped seeing as a friend due to dismiss and ignoring of my feeling and he has romantic feelings and asked me out multiple times/ made hints about a what could have been despite knowing I'm not into men?
Edit: Okay! He is blocked now and yes I had a ray that's not normal moment
#Maybe tumblr knows what to do#I am so done with him#Like he is actually a very kind shy boy but whenever I told him about me being hurt or showed signs of trauma he started to guilt trip me#and made himself the victim of me being 'rude' when I was stuck in trauma emotion AND LITERRALY UNABLE TO TALK#It had gotten so bad that I told me best friend and he made a code word up that I could use so he'd made up a reason for him to get me out#L I love you sooooo much for that you have no idea#He is literally like my older brother but one I didn't had to take care of as a child#OH AND BTW TURNS OUT THE BOY I WAS TALKING ABOUT IN THE POST HAD BEEN FLIRTING WITH ANOTHER GIRL WGIEL TRYING TO GET WITH ME#What in the actual fuck???#I'm so done#Ray is yapping#No actually Ray is angry and all my friends are on vacation and ghosting me so I just yell at tumblr in frustration
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my 50 year old lesbian boss at the goodwill blushes when we talk about Lestat de Lioncourt
#she has two signed copies of iwtv and tvl that she got when she met Anne rice đ#I hate her sometimes because sheâs my boss but boy I do love her when we talk about our mutual interests#lestat de lioncourt#iwtv#interview with the vampire#the vampire lestat#yapping
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No bro cus the attachment I have to Victoria Neuman⊠like bro i actually cried for hours on end after season 4 finale. Hid in my room the whole day and sobbed for a week straight. I fr donât even know why đ Iâve never felt that way about a character before. NEVER cried for a character like that ever oh my days
Iâm fr still in the denial stage of grief.. like I be sitting in my room or out in public and suddenly get hit with the thought âoh shit sheâs deadâ tears in my eyes n everything only to forget n be hit with the same thought a week later.
She deadass needa come back I fear I canât live like this itâs so gut wrenching
#⧠cupid : ÌÌâ#sittinginthecorneralone .á#â§Â cupid yaps : ÌÌâ#victoria neuman#Bro I miss her sm#yall donât understand#well I mean you probably do#But you know what I mean#Shit got me posted up here thinking about her#Active tears in my eyes#Why did I ever get into the boys#Slash J tho I love that show sm#Her death fr piss me off tho like girl.. yall did NOT have to do allat n you know it#Ainât even give her the chance to fight back or something idk#And Zoe..#My poor baby bro omg
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liliaâs episode. Holy fucking shit. Who even cares about agathario
#i care about agathario#I LIKE THE BAD BOYS#ASK A STRAIGHT GIRL#BUT OH MY GOD DO NOT BE PISSED THAT THAT WASNT AVOUT THEM#THAT WAS SO FUCKING CINEMATIC AND BEAUTIFUL#I LOVE LILIA AND PATTI WITH MY WHOLE HEART#THAT WAS SO FUCKING GOOD#guys can i just say i had to pause the episode 3 times#so i could throw up#like unironically i threw up my dinner#i was like dry heaving#agatha all along#lilia calderu#yap
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I LOVE HONGJOONG SO MUCH OH MY GOSOIHDGYDHB MY FAWKIDBF BAOBEI MY BAOBEIIIIIIIII MY CUTIEFUL PIE NOM NOM NOM HES SO (jumps off the building)
hongjoongiloveyouipromiseiwontcheatonyoueveragainwithhimagainpleaselovemebackipromiseiwontthinkaboutanyoneelseotherthanyoupleasedontbesadinevermeanttolovehimitwasalwaysyouhongjoongipromistitwasneverjjoongramipleasecomebackhongjoong
#his advice on anger and sadness and his recently dropped song...#his little unplanned studio lives. oh boy. oh boy i get ur a scorpio sun and gemini moon#my boy's lil hat collection this tour was so pretty i love my nerd#BUT DAMN LET ME LIVE I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO THAN YAP ABOUT HOW INSPIRATIONAL AND MOTIVATIONAL YOU ARE.#YALL HIS LITTLE EYE SMILE WHEN HE DOES HIS LIVE AND THAT LITTLE PINKIE THAT STICKS OUT IN HIS PICTURES#ILL BITE HIM#i am madly in love with hongjoongajhgdhnfjgh#hes so pretty ill kms#chikađ€hongjoong#my lil good fairy on my right shoulder.#hongjoong#ateez#if i dont get time to read full-fledged hongjoong angst this week im going eat shoes.
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