#and because of the state I live in and the way my mom is and the way I can’t Do anything because I don’t have enough money or freedom
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Tonight, the night before Election Day 2024 in the US, I am thinking about my stepkid.
I am thinking about the phone call they made to us earlier this year, the one where they told us they'd gone to the hospital thinking they had appendicitis and found out, instead, that a zygote - a tiny splodge of cells - had taken up residence not in their uterus but in a fallopian tube. The one where our kid said they were waiting for their partner to arrive, hoped that said partner would get there before the docs took our kid back to terminate that pregnancy, & assured us that they'd be okay.
After all, our kid lives in a state with choice measures embedded in state law. That pea-sized blot of tissue doesn't have more right to their health than they do. Nobody is standing between them and their doctors. They made a decision, and that was that.
In this tiny tragedy, the kind that plays out dozens of times a day at minimum across the country, we only had to worry about the small risk of surgery complications. We didn't have to worry about Ken Paxton threatening to charge their doctors with felonies. We didn't have to think, "What if the hospital's legal team doesn't think an ectopic pregnancy - which is never ever viable and must be terminated before it kills our kid - is really that big of a deal?" We didn't have to worry that they live in a state where ob-gyns are fleeing, leaving few experts behind, as has happened in Idaho.
We didn't have to watch our kid vomit up black blood before dying the day after their baby shower the way Neveah's mom did. We didn't have to pray in a waiting room (while doctors took our kid apart until their heart stopped because the doctors waited too long out of fear of anti-choice laws) until a doctor came to tell us we'd have to bury them the way that Amber's mom did. We aren't having to pick up our lives after fully treatable miscarriage-related sepsis took them from us the way that Josseli's husband and daughter must.
I could go on for far, far too long.
Listen. If you are a single-issue non-voter and have already decided that "both parties are the same" or whatever other thing you've told yourself so you can sleep at night, smug and secure, then I can't reach you and I can't help you. But if you genuinely think that your votes don't matter, if you're just suffering from a bout of overwhelm or apathy, if you're too young to remember the 2000 election and can't see that Dobbs is a direct result of that election and every one that's followed, please, I am fucking begging you.
I didn't really talk about this when it happened. I mentioned something briefly, maybe. The posts I've started writing about it are still in my drafts. It was too fresh, too frightening. It's not any less frightening now, honestly - because if this week doesn't end with President Kamala Harris, we're headed for a national abortion ban, at the minimum - but it's not about how fucking frightened I was or how sad and bewildered I was to realize that my kid was going through this crisis in a nation more hostile to them than when I needed a D&C for an abortion at 21, in 1998.
It's about stopping this chapter of this fucking bullshit and at least finding some new fucking bullshit.
Vote, dammit.
Do the other work on Wednesday. Tomorrow, the work is to vote.
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So when Avatar Kyoshi isolates a part of the Earth Kingdom into an autonomous state and is willing to kill a dictator to protect her home it's "a hard but justified decision". But when my pet almond mom, Suyin Beifong...
Kyoshi: I killed Chin the Conqueror. A horrible tyrant, Chin was expanding his army to all corners of the continent.
Kyoshi : When they came to the neck of the peninsula where we lived, he demanded our immediate surrender. I warned him that I would not sit passively while he took our home. But he did not back down.
Aang: You didn't really kill Chin. Technically, he fell to his own doom because he was too stubborn to get out of the way. Kyoshi : Personally, I don't really see the difference, but I assure you, I would have done whatever it took to stop Chin.
#i need to read rise of kyoshi apparently theres bwifong lore in there#earth kingdom dictator murderes (or artempted murderers) ily#avatar#legend of korra#tlok#the legend of korra#avatar the legend of korra#atlok#lok#suyin beifong#beifong brainrot#avatar kyoshi#kyoshi#kuvira#chin the conqueror
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griddlehark situationship can be sooooo. it makes me gnash my teeth. their weird ways of saying sorry vs gideon's relief when they're back to bickering bc its familiar. harrow's genuine discomfort at being called a tar pit but just. not knowing how not to be. and also being snippy the more adjectives are added.
also loved how you got other characters in as well (we suffer as dolores was my favourite)
question: what did harrow mean when she said the light had dimmed?
the tar pit bit was fun to do, im in my bojack rewatch era and that series has done a TON of chemical changes in my brain re writing about toxic characters and grief and whatnot. this whole things feels like a loose homage to free churro, just like the grappling of loosing a relationship with your mother than you never even had, and never will have
picking we suffer and wakes new names was fun. im kind of iffy on changing characters names into more normal ones but i think i jsut have lingering resentment from homestuck. kevin vantas i will always hate you. i really appreciate it when its like thought out or a pun, like the fic You Just Ain't Recieving has the angel called d'angelo and thats awesome like bam perfect name. so learning dolores basically means sorrow in spanish was kind of perfect for a woman named we suffer, and frankly i just kind of lucked out that te wake is like an actual last name. pash's excuse is that shes transgender shes just literally named passion and they all live with that
in regards to the actual question you asked its pretty simple- harrow is extraordinarily bad with people. especially people in delicate emotional states because their mom is dead and their life already sucks on top of that. normally, when harrow says something bitchy or callous to gideon they can just go back and forth, spar for a while it doesnt mean anything. but gideon isnt bouncing back anymore. when harrow is mean to her she just kind of sighs and withdraws. and its not just like, the dead mom thing. its been happening for a while. its just getting less fun. arguing isnt a game anymore its just arguing. theyre getting older and things are changing between them, and harrow is recognizing that change but she doesnt know what to do, because shes just kind of a mean person. gideon doesnt smile as much, harrow conceptualizes her as this very big radiant personality and shes just. not. shes complicated. shes depressed
#asks#Anonymous#hi gideons emotional state is FASCINATING to me#the fact it took three books for someone to point at her and go hey this girl is crazy sad#yeah shes jokey and she tries to be nice to people who are nice to her#but most people arent nice to her. and she reacts accordingly#and i do think having harrow like. react to this and try to adapt is interesting
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im not sure if you are taking any requests rn but I NEED to see some male reader Shigaraki heavy, hurt no comfort, gut wrenching angst just cause there is barely any Shigaraki x male reader and barely any angst in general
(you can ignore this request if you want!!)
Things that your dad doesn’t know (Tomura shigaraki x male reader angst one-shot)
WC:. 1.6K
Tags: hurt not comfort, angst, internalized homophobia, past religious trauma, generational homophobia, unspoken feelings, religious AFO au
A/N: I have never written angst before, I have no clue if it’s any good but I think this is the only time I’m willingly trying to hurt my pookies! ໒꒰ྀི˃ ˕ ˂ഃ ꒱ྀི১
Being a villain wasn’t your first choice in life, in fact had you been told that’s what you would end up becoming ten years ago���well you would’ve been in shambles? After all your dream was to be a hero, to help those who needed it most and give comfort/security to those around you.
maybe that was just you wanting to be the person you wished was given to you but that doesn’t matter because it wasn’t who you became anyway. At the ripe age of fifteen you were a runaway, your parents had sent you off to a private academy in Japan. In reality it was just a fancy term for a boarding school for ‘troubled boys’ but those words tasted bitter because that place was just filled with naive boys questioning their sexuality.
That place left you filled with thoughts of things you’ve never worried about before, one moment you’re just a boy who has some silly crush in the boy next to you in class and the next you’re a thirteen year old being told the way you felt was ‘sinful’. You’d never forget the way your mom just stared at you blankly while your dad shouted at you “those thoughts aren’t normal boy, how’d you turn out like this?” God you’d give it all to forget those words, every remembrance of them felt like a puddle pulling you to the ground leaving you to wallow in shame.
By the time you were fourteen you started to fall for the words the headmasters of the school preached to you, you thought “if I could just deny it then it’ll go away” or if you didn’t accept it then it wasn’t there. By fifteen you knew you had to get out of there, you didn’t care how you had to do it but you felt an unwavering hate for yourself every second you stood in line for the daily mass at that place.
When you did finally escape you ended up on the streets, moving city to city across Japan, too afraid to head for the states out of fear for your parents getting you back. Then you met him, All For One was what he called himself, he found you in a dingy alley all littered in bruised and scars from the treatment you had endured from that school.
He took you in and gave you a place to live for as long as you did what he asked of you. He made you use your quirk for his own wants but you’d never tell him your past or where you came from because it was evident with his god complex that he wasn’t understanding, after all how could a man from his generation be.
Life wasn’t all bad, that was what you’d tell yourself but then you met Tomura, you two never clicked in the beginning. All he’d do is stare at you from afar and judge you, but you just accepted it because he was your leaders heir. Eventually by the age of seventeen the two of you had became friends, the league of villains was a new concept with barely five members
You didn’t know what you felt or how to feel it but all you knew was the days felt more bearable to live when he was there. When you two didn’t have tasks to fill or agendas to make you were teenage boys, you watched cheesy shows on his bed or video games in his room, energy drinks and late nights was the routine between you two and their was an unspoken blonde that came of it.
Eighteen rolled around for you and Tomura was nineteen by then, it felt like an extension of eighteen for you, nobody but Tomura even knew of your real birthday and maybe it was for the lack of care or the fact you never spoke to anyone besides AFO, Shigaraki and occasionally Kurogiri.
By this point you’ve realized that things aren’t totally platonic between the two of you but Tomura having spent his whole life enduring AFO’s standards and beliefs that he’s pushed onto him, he denies anything and everything. Tomura never had the most stable life to begin with even before he met AFO, his dad was the definition of a bigot, he looked down on him for not being manly enough, for crying when he got hit by him.
Tomura and you were closer than friends could be, the way you two held each other and cuddled in his bed at night, or spent free time locked away in your room away from the other’s gazes. But you were never truly together in the way you wanted to be, it was like being skin close with a thin barrier between keeping you two from fully touching.
The two of you liked being away in private the most, even with all of the denial in your head was better than the hurtful gaze AFO would give to Tomura when he was caught sitting too close to you in the bar. Over time it felt like you began to know Tomura less and less, the boy you once clung to like he was the air in your lungs became a man that hardly spoke to you unless it was about the leagues plans.
You were no fool you knew AFO had confronted and filled Tomura’s head with thoughts of how what he was doing was nothing less than “un-right” and those deep rooted memories of the past that always crept in when you least wanted found you again, reminding you of every word nailed into your mind on how you should feel in no regards for what you did feel.
All you wanted to do was run back to his room, to hug him and cling and not worry about everyone else but that wasn’t going to happen. You watch him become the second AFO knowing you can’t and do anything. Your once close relationship has a wedge in between, it was non existent and nothing you could say would make him accept you.
“What happened to our friendship Tomura?” You’d show up at his door late at night while the others were asleep, his blue hair gone and what looked back at you didn’t feel the same quiet man that used to be. “Nothing has happened, things change and people grow [name], you’re acting as though we were lovers.” You knew that he was only forcing his words but it never stung any less.
“No but we could’ve been Tomura” you manage to spit out, your voice cracks and your whole body feels like lava. “No we never could’ve, you’re a man [name] and no amount of emotions changes that”
“If I can’t be your lover why can’t we just be friends again tenko?”
You’re nearly to tears at this point standing in the entrance of his bedroom feeling your heart being squeezed.
“Because. Being close to you makes life hard, I can’t sit and pretend to be your friend when I know I won’t be the one that ends with you, and don’t call me that anymore, you’re just my subordinate…nothing else and you won’t ever be [name].”
There was the answer you knew would come, he pointed for his door clearly wanting you gone, and you quickly obliged in wanting of him seeing you break down. You hadn’t hurt this bad since you had first been sent off by your family, how were you supposed to be ok with this? Why did life have to be this way? Were you destined to always get close to what you love then have it slip away?
You had more pathetic questions than you did answers and the night was long, you weren’t sleeping anytime soon and you knew it. You’d rather have been his friend if you couldn’t be his lover, at least if you were his friend you’d still be something to him, you’d still be in his life, you’d still be the person he sat around and played video games with.
You were just doomed to a life of watching the person you love become unrecognizable. You and him had planned to stick together, he had promised you’d always be together, he always told you that you were the only person that understood him and now it was all gone.
When war against the hero’s began you couldn’t do anything to stop him. Your pleas fell on deaf ears, AFO was on his shoulder telling him every little move to make and what to do and his plan didn’t have you in it. You were forced to sit on the side lines unable to jump in when his final fight started, seeing his beaten form and his scared body broke you.
You had made Tomura your world, he was your reason to listen to AFO, if he did something then no matter how much it hurt you, you’d do it too. When Tomura started his fight against Midoriya, you were practically running to the fight trying to make way to him and trying to use your quirk to just stop it all.
You were three seconds too late. The final blow had been felt and you were right next to Tomura sobbing like a scared kid watching him decay away. All Tomura does is look up at you, red eyes glossy and you know he isn’t making it. “You can’t leave me Tenko! You just can’t!…you promised me?”
You’re hysteric when the police start dragging you away from his ash’s, you’re feeling your word shatter so fast knowing all the things you had planned won’t happen.
#sleep-0-deprived#sleep 0 deprived#shigaraki x male reader#shigaraki tomura#mha shigaraki#mha x male reader#x male reader#angst#x male reader angst#tenko shimura#tenko shigaraki#tenko shimura x reader#religious trauma#tw religious themes#internalized homophobia#self half#sfw#male reader#my hero academia x male reader#my hero academia shigaraki#my hero academia x reader#my hero academia tomura shigaraki#hurt/angst#hurt/no comfort#mlm angst#mlm blog#mlm thoughts#unrequited love#long term denial#gay mlm
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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I always hate the pity I get when I say "I don't have much of a family"
Like, fuck you dude. My family is very small, but my parents distanced themselves from their relatives for a good fucking reason and so have I
#gopher rambles#vent ish#idk im feeling bitter tonight#my grandmothers both died before i was born. my dads dad died when i was very small. my mom when i was 15. my papal last year#my dad's brother and his wife live many states away and we never speak. my moms brother makes me feel super unsafe and his exwife has#(UNDERSTANDABLY) put a lot of distance between herself and the family despite being very intertwined in it#my brother is a piece of shit and i havent had any real sibling love for him since i was ten years old. i tolerate him at a distance.#thats it#all i have is my dad (and my Sib From Another Crib. Corey. but we dont live anywhere near eachother) and my pets#thats it. thats it. i like it that way#for some folks the anger i feel about it might sound overblown because SURELY i dont hear this much right?#well. in the Appalachian culture family is one of the most important things. its supposed to be close knit and clannish. that i basically#have none makes me a bit of an outcast from the community. and i hate it#there is distance between me and my surviving relatives for a good fucking reason and acting like i just need to fix those bonds make me#want to commit great bodily harm. goddamnit#usually when i tell people about my family its to explain something. i dont do thanksgiving. barely do Christmas. ect.
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i’m gonna be so for real, if things don’t start changing for me in good ways i will be disappearing off the face of the earth
#Rasp Rambles#vent#my mental health is already in a shitty state and i am already considering multiple different ways to end my own fucking life#suicide mention#like i’m genuinely hanging on by the thinnest fucking thread only because i have friends that care about me. i don’t want any of them to be#sad about me dying. i’d say the same for my family but i don’t they ever have really given a shit about me so what does it matter.#i’ve been forced to be the perfect; quite child my entire fucking life and that was never good enough. i had to be kind and respectful#even though none of the adults in my family ever really were that to me. and the ones who were didn’t stay that way for long. it truly#sucks so fucking badly that i can’t get away from any of them. i don’t have a job because mental health issues; some physical health issues#and my lack of drivers license and car. i can’t financially support myself. i never get to fucking leave the house and go anywhere but the#store or my grandparent’s house with my mom and sister. i have ONE irl friend who i’m not even sure considers me a friend because#we haven’t gotten to hang out much since i graduated in 2023. i have practically no fucking support system in the physical world.#i don’t get to do fun things i enjoy that aren’t internet related besides drawing. but artblock and general depression are doing their#damn best to prevent me from even enjoying the creative process at all. one may think its difficult to feel lonely when you’re living in a#house with at least one other person but its fully fucking possible apparently. for me at least. i really wish my mom would actually get me#a therapist or psychiatrist i can see in person but we all know that’ll never fucking happen because again; she doesn’t fucking care enough#to make any actually helpful attempts to get me medicated for whatever the fucks going on in this stupid head of mine.#sorry for being incredibly fucking depressed and mad at 3am. it will happen again unfortunately for all of us.
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The dysphoria do be dysphoriaing
Never thought I’d think about the way I stand so much but yknow. Here I am.
#trans#transgender#dysphoria#LIKE DUDE GIVE ME TOP SURGERY ALREADY#tis a struggle I must say#blegh#transmasc#it’s so fuckin expensive dude#it’s like fucking what#10k in the states-??#that’s redoinkulous#I just want to be shirtless in a socially acceptable way is that so much to ask for#I think I’m legally allowed to get it where I live#probably with parent consent#but I don’t think they would want me to because it’s a permanent change#BUT THEIR NOT OPPOSED TO TESTOSTERONE SO WE’RE MAKING STRIDES PEOPLE#my mom called me James today :3#it was awesome#multiple times too#anyway#apologies for my little rant#hehe#goodnight#love you guys#<3
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Recently I’ve developed more of a “this is something I usually overthink about but right now we’re going to do it anyway because I refuse to live my life in fear” mentality and I’m kind of loving it
#it’s in a controlled way obviously#I don’t do really risky things because I do overthink things later#no but I’m so done of being in a constant state of stress and anxiety#I’m trying to make the best of it here#I’m trying so hard to grab that little moldy part of my soul that won’t let me live without worry and rip it away and put it in a container#random post#tw anxiety#unfortunately#ppl always talk about anxiety as if it’s a causal little thing but no it takes over my life#it has physically hurt me#and mentally but no one talks about the physical part#anxiety#relatable#maybe#midnight posts#health anxiety too#I’ve begged my mom to take me to the doctor because I believed something was actually wrong with me and I was going to die#heart palpitations still scare the shit out of me#when I was younger my parents would literally have to sleep with me because I thought I was going to get sick or that my pains were serious#I still stay up all night sometimes because i become too aware of my heartbeat and breathing#tw health anxiety#my biggest enemy#I would do anything to not have this#mental health#mental health is health
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also yall know that thing about how people with adhd will forget you exist if they don't see you, that is very true on my end.
#i am impulsive with my words and don't really take all the time the impact they could have#never want to be rude or offensive in anyway but sometime i am#i value my experiences over other people to much and need to just close that part of me when interacting with people with different lives#i got a bias towards lighter skinned black folks but not in the way that you'd think#i view the struggles of not being black enough or really poc enough as nothing serious sometimes which isn't great and i gotta work on that#like my reasoning behind it is because i have always been to dark to black my hairs not good my i'm inferior because of my brown skin#the amount of colorism i faced growing up from adults reading oh i'm not black enough people called me white looking always read to me as a#brag in a way like its not but it sometimes feels like that especially living in the states were looking less like the ethnic group you are#in is the standard of beauty#its fuck up i read the colorism that lighter skinned folks face as something good its self hatred#plus another part of me sits and gets mad for them like fuck you for trying to denying my hertiage and the shit i have faced because i'm no#dark enough or the struggles i face isn't as bad as you've experience.#i only really take issue with the i'm not poc enough or someone called me white because shit i wish thats what i got instead of being calle#monkey or burnt or made to feel ugly because of my skin or not family because i wasn't the same color as my dad or mom#can't be putting my shit onto people#its not right and its unhealthy#something i gotta work on#will say though i was called white growing up for speaking a certain way and liking rock music and not being black enough in personality bu#i can't imagine how that must feel because of just how you look#i felt isolated from my peers for alot of reason but having my appearance being so upfront in that is different and i feel for my#lighter skinned peeps. i got alot of shit from adults on my skin tone than my actual peers thankfully.
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,
#got sad because i thought about how lonely i am and then that triggered me to think about [redacted] and that put me in a BAD MOOD-#especially since its christmas eve it was not a good combination#and then i had to go be with my family and not act like i wanted to disappear and so as im battling that every little thing is making me-#upset (because i get very irritable easily especially when in a triggered/anxious state)#i accidentally spilled my drink all over the floor and that just set me off right there#calmed myself down by watching some videos and then i started feeling better enough to go out to the living room to attempt to get-#some cookies (key word ATTEMPT) and as im walking into the kitchen to put my plate away (i finished eating in my room its just tragic reall#i tripped on something glass and it fell over on the floor#....i was SO done after that i put my plate in the sink and slammed my door (not my brightest move im sorry)#and so then my mom talks to me later (when were on our way to church) and shes like 'im not surprised you slammed your door honestly'#and then i started feeling better after i realized she wasn't mad at me at all for this (because im still trying to deal with new triggers)#so anyways then i went to church came home watched white christmas and finished wrapping presents#and now im ready to celebrate christmas#no one cares kristen
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Not fair that I have to Get Ready for school dances and I can’t just cutscene to being dressed and ready and with my friends like in a tv show.
#fucking Hate this part of the process it makes me so. sad.#love once I Get to the dance and I’m allowed to be Me but the buildup is so stressful and depressing and I Hate being transgender sometimes#(most of the time actually but usually I can ignore it)#and the past couple of weeks (since turning 18) have been filled with reminder after reminder that I likely won’t ever live in the body-#-I need to because of things so far out of my control#(18 years and 8 months out of my control lol)#and because of the state I live in and the way my mom is and the way I can’t Do anything because I don’t have enough money or freedom#and it sucks and I suck and it’ll get better but that’s so Far in the future#I’ll live to see those days of course but I will be So Upset and/or Numb until then it’s not fair#so y’know. lol. lmao even.
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okay i have my fan going fast enough it sounds like it’s going to fly off the ceiling and kill me maybe i still have a chance at life
#basically my friend and i were literally talking the other day about how I’m not a particularly high maintenance traveller#but one thing I will not budge on (if I’m booking it myself) is that there has to be A/C#and I was saying yeah it’s not even that I necessarily need it like super cold or anything#it’s just that when I overheat it’s like one sensory thing too much with all my other symptoms#and fuck if that hasn’t been true since moving into my dorm#because of course i agreed to move back into the non air conditioned dorms because like genuinely it’s usually so nice all you need is a fan#but ig cause it’s August or cause my health or whatever it’s just been fucking hot as balls#and today especially since I’ve been mostly in bed with my period kicking my ass#it’s just been driving me insane#like i can mostly handle the pain but I just can’t handle the heat like I finally moved my boxes to be out of the way#cause I finally admitted to myself I’m not unpacking them in my current state#and I shed tears over how hot it was just moving boxes like four feet#and like please let it be clear I don’t live somewhere actually hot like im not doxxing myself#but like it’s nice outside but for some reason inside is just gross and on top of my fucking pain it’s too much#i also just I fucking hate move in so much#and I hate that i’m gonna have to text or call my mom and be like yeah im not coming to visit you this coming weekend cause im already dying#and the school year hasn’t started?#like I just tried so hard when I got here to be like ‘yes this is my year for real everything’s gonna be great’ and I just#i’m like one day into being in pain and i’ve lost my mind I can’t even think straight#i KNOW it’s my period I know it’ll last at most a week but it’s so scary everytime that it’s going to last forever cause it used to#im so scared about being an adult I don’t even feel like I can get through this school year but at least this is like. a specific task. what#the fuck am I supposed to do after that when it’s nonspecific#why does everything hurt#why do my arms hurt like that’s not a thing#my fucking throat?!#my legs are obviously killing me cause that’s a near constant these days#my headache isn’t terrible but it’s not great#and my fucking stomach#i think move in should be illegal and chronic pain should be outlawed and I think my parents should call me because what the fuck#boom’s bad days
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I was denied disability, and I'm furious.
It sounds like it's just because I've been tested for a few things and they came back negative. And to me that almost sounds like I'm being discriminated against because I don't have epilepsy, for example, but do have functional movement disorder.
And also because I live alone... but if I did live with anyone else, I'd lose my Medicaid.
According to my lawyer, he said if I lived in another state, I would have gotten disability. He's the best, and he's going to appeal... but there's no guarantee that's going to work (like, my hearing with the judge was already the result of me having been denied twice and having appealed those denials). This is so infuriating.
#like. i legit don't understand how she could have ruled this way after all she heard from me#and even more than that when she saw i can't walk and that i had to be helped in and out of the room with her!#and in the hearing i'm pretty sure i heard her discussing with someone from social security that there were no jobs that i would be able to#and yet just because some of my tests came back negative and i live alone and live in the state that i do she ruled this way. why?!#why do i ever even think anything will go right for me?#and. like. i live alone but my mom is at my house most the day helping me like i told the judge
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a very “fuck you” to people who slam things around when they’re angry to get the attention of the people around them
#what are we two use your words#I’m in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight because my mom is passive aggressive and loves to do this shit#it’s almost 10pm fucking STOP IT#you already saw me crying because cooking wasn’t going well for me#surely you couldn’t reign in your anger for the night while cleaning up??#I know it’s her way of communicating that she’s pissed off that I didn’t spend more time getting ready for the painters tomorrow#but I literally did?#I spent as much time as I could on cleaning that area while my feet were fucked up I can’t do much more than that#fuck I hate living here#vent tw#also you’re allowed to reblog this if you relate to it#I know it’s a vent but you can have it
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At least I could disable the suggestions but just... I'm sick of it, I'm sick of companies trying to think for me
I'd rather be miserable but doing shit my own way than placid and glass eyed and just taking whatever companies tell me to
Like... literally just asking what I get out of writing a post on tumblr... zero suggestions, just letting me say whatever dumb stuff comes to my head
#the problem is that doing things my way is actually working well; it's just really slow and it's coming from a bad starting point#everything that makes me miserable was even more miserable growing up#you maybe see me and think that I'm doing really horribly; and that may be true; but I'm also truthfully at my peak right now#and frankly as much as I worry about it A LOT; I'm kinda still on the rise in a lot of ways#...I just take way too long to do things; I want to be quicker because a lot of this stuff isn't... it's not being slow and steady#it's being depressed and having trouble working on shit#but... when I do stuff my way the end result tends to be strong#I got a house in 2019 for instance... like in that economy; I feel like that counts as a pretty high roll outcome; you know?#the parts of my life I hate are all... it's like Marley in the Christmas Carol; I've got all these chains around me#and... about 80% of those chains are just my mom or my mom's choices... she blows through so much money all the time#it makes me want to die#but all that shit... it's the past haunting me and drowning me#but shit's better than it was and... I have more friends now that I did in the past; I'm closer to making money than I've been in the past#(part of it is that I kinda want to get shit stabilized in the household; be doing stuff like cooking before I try and sell shit)#(also understand that everyone in high school liked me... we just never saw each other outside of school)#(so it was a situation where I had 'friends'; by that standard everyone at school was a friend)#(but I didn't have a single person I was close with and I was totally isolated in a crowd)#(friend is just a word in english that has to cover a really really wide range of relationships)#(but these days I do have actual friends... just a shame none of us live in the same town... or even state; you know?)#(I like all the people I went to high school with; they all cared a lot and were very bad at it)#(couldn't figure out that like... just give me some company; that's a good 80% of what I'm lacking)#(...I think part of it was they were all stoners and I wasn't; so they felt like... eh... like something something)#(and when I say all stoners I mean... I think... easily 80% of the school; probably 90% and maybe higher were all stoners)#(it uh... was not an easy thing for the staff; cause they obviously all knew; but... figuring out how to best handle it)#(like hell; I wouldn't want to deal with that)#(also like 95% were smokers... you have to understand that most of these kids were rich kids)#(off the top of my head I can only think of 2 other kids who were poor... just... uh...)#(if I named the city the school was in; you'd probably be like 'oh... makes sense')#(I liked everyone there; everyone liked me... just... they were very bad at just basic stuff like spending time together)#(eh... you don't need to hear more)
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