#and because of the state I live in and the way my mom is and the way I can’t Do anything because I don’t have enough money or freedom | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dangermousie · 2 days

Text

I think what is both so entirely realistic and so utterly enraging is that the murders, cover-up and frame up weren’t done by some masterminds, some criminal geniuses. No “Napoleon of Crime” (tm Sherlock Holmes) to be seen here.

There is a reason the moment someone(s) started to properly look into them, the whole thing unraveled. It did not require genius and superhuman efforts just a modicum of brain and common sense!!!

And the only reason JW had his whole life wrecked, his family had their lives wrecked, all that insane level of suffering he went through, his father’s death, his mother’s miserable existence - was because nobody with any shred of power or authority whatsoever had any interest in looking for the truth and many of them actively benefitted from the state of affairs or were involved.

I think it feels less bleak if someone’s life is ruined due to a brilliant adversary, akin to a human force of nature. Or due to making a truly implacable enemy. Because then there is a reason, a strong foe etc etc. But a wonderful young man had his life ruined for nothing he or his family had done - nobody involved was panting to bring him down he just happened to be convenient, and it was brought down by such pathetic, bad at crime scumbags that it hits worse - the randomness of it (how do you protect against randomness? You can’t!) but also the powerlessness where you can be taken down by such pathetic useless amateurs because the circumstances align and because there are many of these pathetic amateurs and they form a cabal of support.

PS I am sure his mom is gonna wake up and be vvvv repentant to discover her son is innocent and JW being JW will be happy to live with her and never blame her for the way she abandoned him but I am not JW and so it sticks in my craw something fierce! She does not deserve his forgiveness (or love, but people are loved not because they deserve it so….)

#kdrama #black out

23 notes · View notes

penisbilt · 5 months

Text

the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL #really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us #ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great #extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore #the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog #its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow #i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating #i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one #i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it #theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget #anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by #there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad #cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now #maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that #im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away #ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free #i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20 #i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her #but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more #maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know #because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before #i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years #i dunno. i dont know #anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process #the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months #the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time #when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move #just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend

12 notes · View notes

gophergal · 1 month

Text

I always hate the pity I get when I say "I don't have much of a family"

Like, fuck you dude. My family is very small, but my parents distanced themselves from their relatives for a good fucking reason and so have I

#gopher rambles #vent ish #idk im feeling bitter tonight #my grandmothers both died before i was born. my dads dad died when i was very small. my mom when i was 15. my papal last year #my dad's brother and his wife live many states away and we never speak. my moms brother makes me feel super unsafe and his exwife has #(UNDERSTANDABLY) put a lot of distance between herself and the family despite being very intertwined in it #my brother is a piece of shit and i havent had any real sibling love for him since i was ten years old. i tolerate him at a distance.#thats it #all i have is my dad (and my Sib From Another Crib. Corey. but we dont live anywhere near eachother) and my pets #thats it. thats it. i like it that way #for some folks the anger i feel about it might sound overblown because SURELY i dont hear this much right?#well. in the Appalachian culture family is one of the most important things. its supposed to be close knit and clannish. that i basically #have none makes me a bit of an outcast from the community. and i hate it #there is distance between me and my surviving relatives for a good fucking reason and acting like i just need to fix those bonds make me #want to commit great bodily harm. goddamnit #usually when i tell people about my family its to explain something. i dont do thanksgiving. barely do Christmas. ect.

3 notes · View notes

ratwars · 3 days

Text

If some official process takes someone 20 mins it will take me 2 hours and there will be like three different problems and I will be crossing my fingers at the mercy of the govt employee helping me hoping they accept my eternally cursed documents.

#it is always something 😭#something always breaks too a printer a scanner we have to wait and move to a different station because of that #there is some error like today with the scanner. “its never done that before huh” sry i radiate a toxic aura that frightens office #equipment in state and federal facilities this happens every time 🥲#i have bad luck. and the state i was born in used fucking faded ass stamps for everything so nobody can read the numbers that are #apparently important even when i have a certified copy because my original was the fucking same and my mom got tired of dealing with it #only to get a new one with the same issue like my live birth number is cut off and faded and it is a fucking stamped number while the rest #was like done on a typewriter or some shit idfk #from the looks of it. i have been putting off getting a new passport since mine expired a long long time ago because i remember being stuck #in this office with her gradually losing her shit more and more when i got mine as a teenager i dont remember all the issues but it was an #entire ordeal and then she was mad at me ofc for existing idk #i am cursed. semi related but maybe not who knows flying is terrible for me i am glad i havent had to do it in a long time #we used to fly at least twice a year growing up and through high school both here and to mexico every year #but i always get picked for enhanced searches. every single time. and then bonus sometimes there was some issue idk what even but we would #have to wait for a supervisor to come sort out some computer problem they wouldnt tell us what. maybe it was related to the enhanced #screening but they always told us that part first #always took forever too and then my whole family as per usual would be mad at me but like at 14 it wasnt my fault lmao #i swear the fact i am patient and super nice is the only reason they try to figure it out or accept my stuff sometimes because the lady who #helped me today said she just used the number that they put in the last time i lived here but she was pretty sure they made it up #i was like...great hahaha what. “itll be okay probably as long as they match i will just use it” watch this comes back to bite me if i ever #manage to get a corrected copy or something or someone decides it says something different #itll be the same thing i bet. i will be stuck for hours. polite. apologetic. listening to a federal employee and their boss shit talk #whoever took care of my crap before and just make the executive decision to process it i still wonder if that is what happened with my mom #back then. fun times. this is so personal sorry lmao #yes my background checks also take a long time to come back for jobs too. i have never been denied but i have had my dates pushed back #because it took “way longer than usual”#i always assumed that was from living in a different state every 3 to 5 years of my entire life and the name changes #but eh. maybe just also my luck.#-pers #i am making my partner get our new plates because god only knows what will go wrong if i am the one to go do it

3 notes · View notes

michaelnotwheeler · 3 months

Text

The dysphoria do be dysphoriaing

Never thought I’d think about the way I stand so much but yknow. Here I am.

3 notes · View notes

valewritessss · 1 month

Text

Recently I’ve developed more of a “this is something I usually overthink about but right now we’re going to do it anyway because I refuse to live my life in fear” mentality and I’m kind of loving it

#it’s in a controlled way obviously #I don’t do really risky things because I do overthink things later #no but I’m so done of being in a constant state of stress and anxiety #I’m trying to make the best of it here #I’m trying so hard to grab that little moldy part of my soul that won’t let me live without worry and rip it away and put it in a container #random post #tw anxiety #unfortunately #ppl always talk about anxiety as if it’s a causal little thing but no it takes over my life #it has physically hurt me #and mentally but no one talks about the physical part #anxiety #relatable #maybe #midnight posts #health anxiety too #I’ve begged my mom to take me to the doctor because I believed something was actually wrong with me and I was going to die #heart palpitations still scare the shit out of me #when I was younger my parents would literally have to sleep with me because I thought I was going to get sick or that my pains were serious #I still stay up all night sometimes because i become too aware of my heartbeat and breathing #tw health anxiety #my biggest enemy #I would do anything to not have this #mental health #mental health is health

4 notes · View notes

veone · 3 months

Text

also yall know that thing about how people with adhd will forget you exist if they don't see you, that is very true on my end.

#i am impulsive with my words and don't really take all the time the impact they could have #never want to be rude or offensive in anyway but sometime i am #i value my experiences over other people to much and need to just close that part of me when interacting with people with different lives #i got a bias towards lighter skinned black folks but not in the way that you'd think #i view the struggles of not being black enough or really poc enough as nothing serious sometimes which isn't great and i gotta work on that #like my reasoning behind it is because i have always been to dark to black my hairs not good my i'm inferior because of my brown skin #the amount of colorism i faced growing up from adults reading oh i'm not black enough people called me white looking always read to me as a #brag in a way like its not but it sometimes feels like that especially living in the states were looking less like the ethnic group you are #in is the standard of beauty #its fuck up i read the colorism that lighter skinned folks face as something good its self hatred #plus another part of me sits and gets mad for them like fuck you for trying to denying my hertiage and the shit i have faced because i'm no #dark enough or the struggles i face isn't as bad as you've experience.#i only really take issue with the i'm not poc enough or someone called me white because shit i wish thats what i got instead of being calle #monkey or burnt or made to feel ugly because of my skin or not family because i wasn't the same color as my dad or mom #can't be putting my shit onto people #its not right and its unhealthy #something i gotta work on #will say though i was called white growing up for speaking a certain way and liking rock music and not being black enough in personality bu #i can't imagine how that must feel because of just how you look #i felt isolated from my peers for alot of reason but having my appearance being so upfront in that is different and i feel for my #lighter skinned peeps. i got alot of shit from adults on my skin tone than my actual peers thankfully.

4 notes · View notes

talkfastcal · 9 months

Text

,

#got sad because i thought about how lonely i am and then that triggered me to think about [redacted] and that put me in a BAD MOOD-#especially since its christmas eve it was not a good combination #and then i had to go be with my family and not act like i wanted to disappear and so as im battling that every little thing is making me-#upset (because i get very irritable easily especially when in a triggered/anxious state)#i accidentally spilled my drink all over the floor and that just set me off right there #calmed myself down by watching some videos and then i started feeling better enough to go out to the living room to attempt to get-#some cookies (key word ATTEMPT) and as im walking into the kitchen to put my plate away (i finished eating in my room its just tragic reall #i tripped on something glass and it fell over on the floor #....i was SO done after that i put my plate in the sink and slammed my door (not my brightest move im sorry)#and so then my mom talks to me later (when were on our way to church) and shes like 'im not surprised you slammed your door honestly'#and then i started feeling better after i realized she wasn't mad at me at all for this (because im still trying to deal with new triggers)#so anyways then i went to church came home watched white christmas and finished wrapping presents #and now im ready to celebrate christmas #no one cares kristen

3 notes · View notes

buysomecheese · 1 year

Text

Not fair that I have to Get Ready for school dances and I can’t just cutscene to being dressed and ready and with my friends like in a tv show.

#fucking Hate this part of the process it makes me so. sad.#love once I Get to the dance and I’m allowed to be Me but the buildup is so stressful and depressing and I Hate being transgender sometimes #(most of the time actually but usually I can ignore it)#and the past couple of weeks (since turning 18) have been filled with reminder after reminder that I likely won’t ever live in the body-#-I need to because of things so far out of my control #(18 years and 8 months out of my control lol)#and because of the state I live in and the way my mom is and the way I can’t Do anything because I don’t have enough money or freedom #and it sucks and I suck and it’ll get better but that’s so Far in the future #I’ll live to see those days of course but I will be So Upset and/or Numb until then it’s not fair #so y’know. lol. lmao even.

4 notes · View notes

boomerang109 · 1 year

Text

okay i have my fan going fast enough it sounds like it’s going to fly off the ceiling and kill me maybe i still have a chance at life

#basically my friend and i were literally talking the other day about how I’m not a particularly high maintenance traveller #but one thing I will not budge on (if I’m booking it myself) is that there has to be A/C #and I was saying yeah it’s not even that I necessarily need it like super cold or anything #it’s just that when I overheat it’s like one sensory thing too much with all my other symptoms #and fuck if that hasn’t been true since moving into my dorm #because of course i agreed to move back into the non air conditioned dorms because like genuinely it’s usually so nice all you need is a fan #but ig cause it’s August or cause my health or whatever it’s just been fucking hot as balls #and today especially since I’ve been mostly in bed with my period kicking my ass #it’s just been driving me insane #like i can mostly handle the pain but I just can’t handle the heat like I finally moved my boxes to be out of the way #cause I finally admitted to myself I’m not unpacking them in my current state #and I shed tears over how hot it was just moving boxes like four feet #and like please let it be clear I don’t live somewhere actually hot like im not doxxing myself #but like it’s nice outside but for some reason inside is just gross and on top of my fucking pain it’s too much #i also just I fucking hate move in so much #and I hate that i’m gonna have to text or call my mom and be like yeah im not coming to visit you this coming weekend cause im already dying #and the school year hasn’t started?#like I just tried so hard when I got here to be like ‘yes this is my year for real everything’s gonna be great’ and I just #i’m like one day into being in pain and i’ve lost my mind I can’t even think straight #i KNOW it’s my period I know it’ll last at most a week but it’s so scary everytime that it’s going to last forever cause it used to #im so scared about being an adult I don’t even feel like I can get through this school year but at least this is like. a specific task. what #the fuck am I supposed to do after that when it’s nonspecific #why does everything hurt #why do my arms hurt like that’s not a thing #my fucking throat?!#my legs are obviously killing me cause that’s a near constant these days #my headache isn’t terrible but it’s not great #and my fucking stomach #i think move in should be illegal and chronic pain should be outlawed and I think my parents should call me because what the fuck #boom’s bad days

2 notes · View notes

oveliagirlhaditright · 1 year

Text

I was denied disability, and I'm furious.

It sounds like it's just because I've been tested for a few things and they came back negative. And to me that almost sounds like I'm being discriminated against because I don't have epilepsy, for example, but do have functional movement disorder.

And also because I live alone... but if I did live with anyone else, I'd lose my Medicaid.

According to my lawyer, he said if I lived in another state, I would have gotten disability. He's the best, and he's going to appeal... but there's no guarantee that's going to work (like, my hearing with the judge was already the result of me having been denied twice and having appealed those denials). This is so infuriating.

#like. i legit don't understand how she could have ruled this way after all she heard from me #and even more than that when she saw i can't walk and that i had to be helped in and out of the room with her!#and in the hearing i'm pretty sure i heard her discussing with someone from social security that there were no jobs that i would be able to #and yet just because some of my tests came back negative and i live alone and live in the state that i do she ruled this way. why?!#why do i ever even think anything will go right for me?#and. like. i live alone but my mom is at my house most the day helping me like i told the judge

6 notes · View notes

eatyourdamnpears · 2 years

Text

a very “fuck you” to people who slam things around when they’re angry to get the attention of the people around them

#what are we two use your words #I’m in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight because my mom is passive aggressive and loves to do this shit #it’s almost 10pm fucking STOP IT #you already saw me crying because cooking wasn’t going well for me #surely you couldn’t reign in your anger for the night while cleaning up??#I know it’s her way of communicating that she’s pissed off that I didn’t spend more time getting ready for the painters tomorrow #but I literally did?#I spent as much time as I could on cleaning that area while my feet were fucked up I can’t do much more than that #fuck I hate living here #vent tw #also you’re allowed to reblog this if you relate to it #I know it’s a vent but you can have it

5 notes · View notes

fabulouslygaybean · 2 years

Text

im terrified to turn 18 next year but also i basically just confirmed with one of my best friends that we're gonna find an apartment together and be roommates so suddenly the future doesn't seem too horrible

#we both hate the idea of living alone rn and neither of us are moving out of the state just yet so we're gonna live together #that way we can split the rent and save up our money for whatever we wanna do #im taking at least a year long break after i get outta high school before i even THINK about going to college bc otherwise ill die i think #and she might also be taking a break before she goes to college #so it'll all work out :')#only issue is that this is the girl im kind of confused abt because i cant tell if im crushing on her or if its just platonic #so this might complicate things. but whatever #she's one of my best friends first and foremost and being roomates will be nice #bonus points for us bc it's gonna be a household of trans folks lmao #we still gotta talk about logistics and all that and we still don't know how its gonna work out but #im happy #even if i get kicked out by my mom the second i turn 18 i know ill have a friend who ill be able to get a place with #i have to find a job asap but i dont think it'll be too crazy hard #my soon to be roommate is begging me to join her at the grocery store she works at and my brother is begging me to work with him at an -#- escape room #so im probably just gonna join one of them soon bc i can #also im planning on taking my drivers permit test next week which is. kind of terrifying but i need to learn how to drive #the public transport here is alright but it just doesn't cut it sometimes so i need to know how to get around via car

4 notes · View notes

fruitmouse · 2 months

Text

looking at pics of me with long hair is sooooo strange now

#lots of love for girlmax in my heart but man. weird #so obviously repressed it’s a little insane. open your eyes boy #‘girlmax’ is. a joke btw. hi hacker gang #but like i didn’t even really take care of my hair correctly it always looked a little odd 😭#very glad with where it’s at now but like #idk. i don’t know why it’s so hard to look at old pictures of me #well i do but #looks away sheepishly #i feel like a completely different person than i was (counts on my fingers) 3? 4 years ago?#i’ve been looking at a lot of old pictures and messages from like middle school/early hs and it’s so #idk #cringe embarrassing etc but also like. weirdly miserable #which is like an obvious trademark of Being Thirteen but it’s so odd because i had no idea where it was coming from #idek if miserable is the word. melancholy?#oh. like the movie #that just hit me like a train actually #DONT watch i saw the tv glow. don’t do it .#/pos i guess #anyway #i’m glad to be who i am today i guess. is what i mean #even if i’m not all the way there i’m definitely closer to being someone i’d actually like to be #weirdly enough i think a lot of it was from living largely on my own for the past few years #not like Real Life Responsibility (trust my father still sponsors my existence. love him) but just like #i dunno #not being terrified of having every aspect of my life and expression picked apart in my own home. or something #i miss my sisters i guess i miss my mom but i do think i needed that sort of. cocoon state for a bit #idk. i think i died for a while & im glad for it #i sideeye That Movie again.#anyways. being trans is nuts #something something finn adventure time ‘im me again’ line something. whatever

0 notes

insoupid · 3 months

Text

My mom is so obsessed with me it's so fucking annoying

#she like is afraid of me because im very opinionated (my sister told me) but she also very much wants to be me #like she will go out of her way to try and befriend my friends or be a mom to my friends #they end up not being friends with either of us because somehow me and my mom are fucking package deal #texting me 100 questions about what are you doing this weekend what are your plans are you excited how is your man how are your cats #do you like work still? how are your friends? are you okay? why arent you replying?#and this is every single day!!!! she will ask me what my plans are for friday every single day of the fucking week #if i dont have plans i get hassled #then if i do have plans then shes literally like okay so where are you going to park are you going to meet people i gope you meet people #i am grateful for her love #but i did move to a different state so i could some space and she just bought a fucking house 13 minutes away!!!!!#she would follow me to fucking antartica if she could #she also LOVES male validation like she lives and breathes for male approval and is also the reason i have an eating disorder so anyway #just annoyed lol

0 notes

risingsunyoul · 4 months

Text

b

#kms kmsomskmskms #everything comes back to l****#i want to kill him so bad #and even my grandma and my grandpa i want to just sit them down and tell them Exactly how they fucked everything up #you made my mom suffer through SO MUCH. SO MUCH.#and you dont fucking CARE.#you get all butthurt that no one wants you in your life? yeah. yeah.#you go to hell and think about it there #i understand the cycle of abuse #but do you people bot want to repent?#not want to HELP your fucking KID?#WHO ARE YOU #dont get me started on l****. he's the reason my mom's sister ended up the way she did #and why her kids ended up in the SAME FUCKING SITUATION.#i think mom is depressed because it's EXHAUSTING trying to quell this fucking RAGE ALL THE GODDAMN TIME #i want him to die horribly and in agony #and i want to give *** a piece of my fucking mind #his kids. his fucking KIDS. next to that piece of shit??????#and finding out that my closest cousins weren't allowed to visit #because my fucking brother. lives in my state #and my aunt didnt want her kids close to a guy like that. fantastic #and i just. i got so lfucking lucky #and the worst part is i'm so fucking MAD about it #since it didn't hPpen i dont have to deal with That trauma #so now im just mad #but. i'm sure he's had thoughts #and i wish the wordt for him too

0 notes