#and because of the state I live in and the way my mom is and the way I can’t Do anything because I don’t have enough money or freedom
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I’m not going to lie I’m like really stuck and don’t know what to do with my feelings about All Of This. I dont have therapy until next week and they don’t have space to move me up and I dont really have anyone else to talk through how I feel ? I dont know what to do.
#like I live in my dads house. and he voted against me.#I didn’t speak to him at all yesterday because I just can’t look at him#I knew he was gonna vote that way but it didn’t seem real until it was already too late#and like my mom says he doesn’t have bad intentions but I don’t know how I’m supposed to know that ???#like he knew what voting for that entailed and he still did it anyways regardless of what his actual reasons were#and it makes me even MORE sick because I know that like 90% of my family voted that way too. how am I supposed to do holidays ?#and it makes me sick EVEN MORE because my best friend and my sister didn’t vote but if they had they would have voted that way too#so I genuinely have nobody to speak to about this but my mom and she does not want to hear me shit talk my dad#like I live in a state that’s almost definitely going to remain safe for me#but it’s hard to know that they look at me and claim they love me and then turn and look at people just like me and vote for their demise#like do they really love me ? do they really see me as a person ?#I know the call to action is to condemn their supporters but how do you do that when you’re entire support network is made up of people who#wouldn’t care if you lived or died if you weren’t related to them ?#what do you do if you live in your conservative dad’s house and there is literally nowhere to run because you can’t even afford to get a#shit apartment ?#what do you do when you’re just as alone with these people as you are without ?#vent post
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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I always hate the pity I get when I say "I don't have much of a family"
Like, fuck you dude. My family is very small, but my parents distanced themselves from their relatives for a good fucking reason and so have I
#gopher rambles#vent ish#idk im feeling bitter tonight#my grandmothers both died before i was born. my dads dad died when i was very small. my mom when i was 15. my papal last year#my dad's brother and his wife live many states away and we never speak. my moms brother makes me feel super unsafe and his exwife has#(UNDERSTANDABLY) put a lot of distance between herself and the family despite being very intertwined in it#my brother is a piece of shit and i havent had any real sibling love for him since i was ten years old. i tolerate him at a distance.#thats it#all i have is my dad (and my Sib From Another Crib. Corey. but we dont live anywhere near eachother) and my pets#thats it. thats it. i like it that way#for some folks the anger i feel about it might sound overblown because SURELY i dont hear this much right?#well. in the Appalachian culture family is one of the most important things. its supposed to be close knit and clannish. that i basically#have none makes me a bit of an outcast from the community. and i hate it#there is distance between me and my surviving relatives for a good fucking reason and acting like i just need to fix those bonds make me#want to commit great bodily harm. goddamnit#usually when i tell people about my family its to explain something. i dont do thanksgiving. barely do Christmas. ect.
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i’m gonna be so for real, if things don’t start changing for me in good ways i will be disappearing off the face of the earth
#Rasp Rambles#vent#my mental health is already in a shitty state and i am already considering multiple different ways to end my own fucking life#suicide mention#like i’m genuinely hanging on by the thinnest fucking thread only because i have friends that care about me. i don’t want any of them to be#sad about me dying. i’d say the same for my family but i don’t they ever have really given a shit about me so what does it matter.#i’ve been forced to be the perfect; quite child my entire fucking life and that was never good enough. i had to be kind and respectful#even though none of the adults in my family ever really were that to me. and the ones who were didn’t stay that way for long. it truly#sucks so fucking badly that i can’t get away from any of them. i don’t have a job because mental health issues; some physical health issues#and my lack of drivers license and car. i can’t financially support myself. i never get to fucking leave the house and go anywhere but the#store or my grandparent’s house with my mom and sister. i have ONE irl friend who i’m not even sure considers me a friend because#we haven’t gotten to hang out much since i graduated in 2023. i have practically no fucking support system in the physical world.#i don’t get to do fun things i enjoy that aren’t internet related besides drawing. but artblock and general depression are doing their#damn best to prevent me from even enjoying the creative process at all. one may think its difficult to feel lonely when you’re living in a#house with at least one other person but its fully fucking possible apparently. for me at least. i really wish my mom would actually get me#a therapist or psychiatrist i can see in person but we all know that’ll never fucking happen because again; she doesn’t fucking care enough#to make any actually helpful attempts to get me medicated for whatever the fucks going on in this stupid head of mine.#sorry for being incredibly fucking depressed and mad at 3am. it will happen again unfortunately for all of us.
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At least I could disable the suggestions but just... I'm sick of it, I'm sick of companies trying to think for me
I'd rather be miserable but doing shit my own way than placid and glass eyed and just taking whatever companies tell me to
Like... literally just asking what I get out of writing a post on tumblr... zero suggestions, just letting me say whatever dumb stuff comes to my head
#the problem is that doing things my way is actually working well; it's just really slow and it's coming from a bad starting point#everything that makes me miserable was even more miserable growing up#you maybe see me and think that I'm doing really horribly; and that may be true; but I'm also truthfully at my peak right now#and frankly as much as I worry about it A LOT; I'm kinda still on the rise in a lot of ways#...I just take way too long to do things; I want to be quicker because a lot of this stuff isn't... it's not being slow and steady#it's being depressed and having trouble working on shit#but... when I do stuff my way the end result tends to be strong#I got a house in 2019 for instance... like in that economy; I feel like that counts as a pretty high roll outcome; you know?#the parts of my life I hate are all... it's like Marley in the Christmas Carol; I've got all these chains around me#and... about 80% of those chains are just my mom or my mom's choices... she blows through so much money all the time#it makes me want to die#but all that shit... it's the past haunting me and drowning me#but shit's better than it was and... I have more friends now that I did in the past; I'm closer to making money than I've been in the past#(part of it is that I kinda want to get shit stabilized in the household; be doing stuff like cooking before I try and sell shit)#(also understand that everyone in high school liked me... we just never saw each other outside of school)#(so it was a situation where I had 'friends'; by that standard everyone at school was a friend)#(but I didn't have a single person I was close with and I was totally isolated in a crowd)#(friend is just a word in english that has to cover a really really wide range of relationships)#(but these days I do have actual friends... just a shame none of us live in the same town... or even state; you know?)#(I like all the people I went to high school with; they all cared a lot and were very bad at it)#(couldn't figure out that like... just give me some company; that's a good 80% of what I'm lacking)#(...I think part of it was they were all stoners and I wasn't; so they felt like... eh... like something something)#(and when I say all stoners I mean... I think... easily 80% of the school; probably 90% and maybe higher were all stoners)#(it uh... was not an easy thing for the staff; cause they obviously all knew; but... figuring out how to best handle it)#(like hell; I wouldn't want to deal with that)#(also like 95% were smokers... you have to understand that most of these kids were rich kids)#(off the top of my head I can only think of 2 other kids who were poor... just... uh...)#(if I named the city the school was in; you'd probably be like 'oh... makes sense')#(I liked everyone there; everyone liked me... just... they were very bad at just basic stuff like spending time together)#(eh... you don't need to hear more)
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Recently I’ve developed more of a “this is something I usually overthink about but right now we’re going to do it anyway because I refuse to live my life in fear” mentality and I’m kind of loving it
#it’s in a controlled way obviously#I don’t do really risky things because I do overthink things later#no but I’m so done of being in a constant state of stress and anxiety#I’m trying to make the best of it here#I’m trying so hard to grab that little moldy part of my soul that won’t let me live without worry and rip it away and put it in a container#random post#tw anxiety#unfortunately#ppl always talk about anxiety as if it’s a causal little thing but no it takes over my life#it has physically hurt me#and mentally but no one talks about the physical part#anxiety#relatable#maybe#midnight posts#health anxiety too#I’ve begged my mom to take me to the doctor because I believed something was actually wrong with me and I was going to die#heart palpitations still scare the shit out of me#when I was younger my parents would literally have to sleep with me because I thought I was going to get sick or that my pains were serious#I still stay up all night sometimes because i become too aware of my heartbeat and breathing#tw health anxiety#my biggest enemy#I would do anything to not have this#mental health#mental health is health
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also yall know that thing about how people with adhd will forget you exist if they don't see you, that is very true on my end.
#i am impulsive with my words and don't really take all the time the impact they could have#never want to be rude or offensive in anyway but sometime i am#i value my experiences over other people to much and need to just close that part of me when interacting with people with different lives#i got a bias towards lighter skinned black folks but not in the way that you'd think#i view the struggles of not being black enough or really poc enough as nothing serious sometimes which isn't great and i gotta work on that#like my reasoning behind it is because i have always been to dark to black my hairs not good my i'm inferior because of my brown skin#the amount of colorism i faced growing up from adults reading oh i'm not black enough people called me white looking always read to me as a#brag in a way like its not but it sometimes feels like that especially living in the states were looking less like the ethnic group you are#in is the standard of beauty#its fuck up i read the colorism that lighter skinned folks face as something good its self hatred#plus another part of me sits and gets mad for them like fuck you for trying to denying my hertiage and the shit i have faced because i'm no#dark enough or the struggles i face isn't as bad as you've experience.#i only really take issue with the i'm not poc enough or someone called me white because shit i wish thats what i got instead of being calle#monkey or burnt or made to feel ugly because of my skin or not family because i wasn't the same color as my dad or mom#can't be putting my shit onto people#its not right and its unhealthy#something i gotta work on#will say though i was called white growing up for speaking a certain way and liking rock music and not being black enough in personality bu#i can't imagine how that must feel because of just how you look#i felt isolated from my peers for alot of reason but having my appearance being so upfront in that is different and i feel for my#lighter skinned peeps. i got alot of shit from adults on my skin tone than my actual peers thankfully.
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,
#got sad because i thought about how lonely i am and then that triggered me to think about [redacted] and that put me in a BAD MOOD-#especially since its christmas eve it was not a good combination#and then i had to go be with my family and not act like i wanted to disappear and so as im battling that every little thing is making me-#upset (because i get very irritable easily especially when in a triggered/anxious state)#i accidentally spilled my drink all over the floor and that just set me off right there#calmed myself down by watching some videos and then i started feeling better enough to go out to the living room to attempt to get-#some cookies (key word ATTEMPT) and as im walking into the kitchen to put my plate away (i finished eating in my room its just tragic reall#i tripped on something glass and it fell over on the floor#....i was SO done after that i put my plate in the sink and slammed my door (not my brightest move im sorry)#and so then my mom talks to me later (when were on our way to church) and shes like 'im not surprised you slammed your door honestly'#and then i started feeling better after i realized she wasn't mad at me at all for this (because im still trying to deal with new triggers)#so anyways then i went to church came home watched white christmas and finished wrapping presents#and now im ready to celebrate christmas#no one cares kristen
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Not fair that I have to Get Ready for school dances and I can’t just cutscene to being dressed and ready and with my friends like in a tv show.
#fucking Hate this part of the process it makes me so. sad.#love once I Get to the dance and I’m allowed to be Me but the buildup is so stressful and depressing and I Hate being transgender sometimes#(most of the time actually but usually I can ignore it)#and the past couple of weeks (since turning 18) have been filled with reminder after reminder that I likely won’t ever live in the body-#-I need to because of things so far out of my control#(18 years and 8 months out of my control lol)#and because of the state I live in and the way my mom is and the way I can’t Do anything because I don’t have enough money or freedom#and it sucks and I suck and it’ll get better but that’s so Far in the future#I’ll live to see those days of course but I will be So Upset and/or Numb until then it’s not fair#so y’know. lol. lmao even.
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okay i have my fan going fast enough it sounds like it’s going to fly off the ceiling and kill me maybe i still have a chance at life
#basically my friend and i were literally talking the other day about how I’m not a particularly high maintenance traveller#but one thing I will not budge on (if I’m booking it myself) is that there has to be A/C#and I was saying yeah it’s not even that I necessarily need it like super cold or anything#it’s just that when I overheat it’s like one sensory thing too much with all my other symptoms#and fuck if that hasn’t been true since moving into my dorm#because of course i agreed to move back into the non air conditioned dorms because like genuinely it’s usually so nice all you need is a fan#but ig cause it’s August or cause my health or whatever it’s just been fucking hot as balls#and today especially since I’ve been mostly in bed with my period kicking my ass#it’s just been driving me insane#like i can mostly handle the pain but I just can’t handle the heat like I finally moved my boxes to be out of the way#cause I finally admitted to myself I’m not unpacking them in my current state#and I shed tears over how hot it was just moving boxes like four feet#and like please let it be clear I don’t live somewhere actually hot like im not doxxing myself#but like it’s nice outside but for some reason inside is just gross and on top of my fucking pain it’s too much#i also just I fucking hate move in so much#and I hate that i’m gonna have to text or call my mom and be like yeah im not coming to visit you this coming weekend cause im already dying#and the school year hasn’t started?#like I just tried so hard when I got here to be like ‘yes this is my year for real everything’s gonna be great’ and I just#i’m like one day into being in pain and i’ve lost my mind I can’t even think straight#i KNOW it’s my period I know it’ll last at most a week but it’s so scary everytime that it’s going to last forever cause it used to#im so scared about being an adult I don’t even feel like I can get through this school year but at least this is like. a specific task. what#the fuck am I supposed to do after that when it’s nonspecific#why does everything hurt#why do my arms hurt like that’s not a thing#my fucking throat?!#my legs are obviously killing me cause that’s a near constant these days#my headache isn’t terrible but it’s not great#and my fucking stomach#i think move in should be illegal and chronic pain should be outlawed and I think my parents should call me because what the fuck#boom’s bad days
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I was denied disability, and I'm furious.
It sounds like it's just because I've been tested for a few things and they came back negative. And to me that almost sounds like I'm being discriminated against because I don't have epilepsy, for example, but do have functional movement disorder.
And also because I live alone... but if I did live with anyone else, I'd lose my Medicaid.
According to my lawyer, he said if I lived in another state, I would have gotten disability. He's the best, and he's going to appeal... but there's no guarantee that's going to work (like, my hearing with the judge was already the result of me having been denied twice and having appealed those denials). This is so infuriating.
#like. i legit don't understand how she could have ruled this way after all she heard from me#and even more than that when she saw i can't walk and that i had to be helped in and out of the room with her!#and in the hearing i'm pretty sure i heard her discussing with someone from social security that there were no jobs that i would be able to#and yet just because some of my tests came back negative and i live alone and live in the state that i do she ruled this way. why?!#why do i ever even think anything will go right for me?#and. like. i live alone but my mom is at my house most the day helping me like i told the judge
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a very “fuck you” to people who slam things around when they’re angry to get the attention of the people around them
#what are we two use your words#I’m in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight because my mom is passive aggressive and loves to do this shit#it’s almost 10pm fucking STOP IT#you already saw me crying because cooking wasn’t going well for me#surely you couldn’t reign in your anger for the night while cleaning up??#I know it’s her way of communicating that she’s pissed off that I didn’t spend more time getting ready for the painters tomorrow#but I literally did?#I spent as much time as I could on cleaning that area while my feet were fucked up I can’t do much more than that#fuck I hate living here#vent tw#also you’re allowed to reblog this if you relate to it#I know it’s a vent but you can have it
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it should not be time yet for my period but it really feels like it is. i’m about to kill my mother over furniture
#i asked for her opinion about hanging two pictures in a certain place#and she said well i mean.. yeah i guess you can put them wherever you want#??? okay.#and now she wants to get rid of the dining table which is fine we don’t use it but when she wants to get rid of something#she just moves it to a different room where it’s in the way instead of putting it on the curb or literally anything else#so our house is in a constant state of disorganization because nothing is ever where it’s supposed to be#and it’s driving me so insane#+ she has no idea how to arrange things in a way that makes sense#she’s mad bc her queen bed takes up most of her bedroom but she put it diagonally in the corner. what the fuck are you talking about#it literally doesn’t matter i’m just mad bc i’ve been trying to put up two shelves in my bathroom for three weeks#and keep running into different problems. i really thought i was going to get it done today#so i’m just irritated and have all this energy and nowhere to redirect it. bc my mom won’t let me do anything#in the living room until we get rid of the dining table <3
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looking at pics of me with long hair is sooooo strange now
#lots of love for girlmax in my heart but man. weird#so obviously repressed it’s a little insane. open your eyes boy#‘girlmax’ is. a joke btw. hi hacker gang#but like i didn’t even really take care of my hair correctly it always looked a little odd 😭#very glad with where it’s at now but like#idk. i don’t know why it’s so hard to look at old pictures of me#well i do but#looks away sheepishly#i feel like a completely different person than i was (counts on my fingers) 3? 4 years ago?#i’ve been looking at a lot of old pictures and messages from like middle school/early hs and it’s so#idk#cringe embarrassing etc but also like. weirdly miserable#which is like an obvious trademark of Being Thirteen but it’s so odd because i had no idea where it was coming from#idek if miserable is the word. melancholy?#oh. like the movie#that just hit me like a train actually#DONT watch i saw the tv glow. don’t do it .#/pos i guess#anyway#i’m glad to be who i am today i guess. is what i mean#even if i’m not all the way there i’m definitely closer to being someone i’d actually like to be#weirdly enough i think a lot of it was from living largely on my own for the past few years#not like Real Life Responsibility (trust my father still sponsors my existence. love him) but just like#i dunno#not being terrified of having every aspect of my life and expression picked apart in my own home. or something#i miss my sisters i guess i miss my mom but i do think i needed that sort of. cocoon state for a bit#idk. i think i died for a while & im glad for it#i sideeye That Movie again.#anyways. being trans is nuts#something something finn adventure time ‘im me again’ line something. whatever
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My mom is so obsessed with me it's so fucking annoying
#she like is afraid of me because im very opinionated (my sister told me) but she also very much wants to be me#like she will go out of her way to try and befriend my friends or be a mom to my friends#they end up not being friends with either of us because somehow me and my mom are fucking package deal#texting me 100 questions about what are you doing this weekend what are your plans are you excited how is your man how are your cats#do you like work still? how are your friends? are you okay? why arent you replying?#and this is every single day!!!! she will ask me what my plans are for friday every single day of the fucking week#if i dont have plans i get hassled#then if i do have plans then shes literally like okay so where are you going to park are you going to meet people i gope you meet people#i am grateful for her love#but i did move to a different state so i could some space and she just bought a fucking house 13 minutes away!!!!!#she would follow me to fucking antartica if she could#she also LOVES male validation like she lives and breathes for male approval and is also the reason i have an eating disorder so anyway#just annoyed lol
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Tonight, the night before Election Day 2024 in the US, I am thinking about my stepkid.
I am thinking about the phone call they made to us earlier this year, the one where they told us they'd gone to the hospital thinking they had appendicitis and found out, instead, that a zygote - a tiny splodge of cells - had taken up residence not in their uterus but in a fallopian tube. The one where our kid said they were waiting for their partner to arrive, hoped that said partner would get there before the docs took our kid back to terminate that pregnancy, & assured us that they'd be okay.
After all, our kid lives in a state with choice measures embedded in state law. That pea-sized blot of tissue doesn't have more right to their health than they do. Nobody is standing between them and their doctors. They made a decision, and that was that.
In this tiny tragedy, the kind that plays out dozens of times a day at minimum across the country, we only had to worry about the small risk of surgery complications. We didn't have to worry about Ken Paxton threatening to charge their doctors with felonies. We didn't have to think, "What if the hospital's legal team doesn't think an ectopic pregnancy - which is never ever viable and must be terminated before it kills our kid - is really that big of a deal?" We didn't have to worry that they live in a state where ob-gyns are fleeing, leaving few experts behind, as has happened in Idaho.
We didn't have to watch our kid vomit up black blood before dying the day after their baby shower the way Neveah's mom did. We didn't have to pray in a waiting room (while doctors took our kid apart until their heart stopped because the doctors waited too long out of fear of anti-choice laws) until a doctor came to tell us we'd have to bury them the way that Amber's mom did. We aren't having to pick up our lives after fully treatable miscarriage-related sepsis took them from us the way that Josseli's husband and daughter must.
I could go on for far, far too long.
Listen. If you are a single-issue non-voter and have already decided that "both parties are the same" or whatever other thing you've told yourself so you can sleep at night, smug and secure, then I can't reach you and I can't help you. But if you genuinely think that your votes don't matter, if you're just suffering from a bout of overwhelm or apathy, if you're too young to remember the 2000 election and can't see that Dobbs is a direct result of that election and every one that's followed, please, I am fucking begging you.
I didn't really talk about this when it happened. I mentioned something briefly, maybe. The posts I've started writing about it are still in my drafts. It was too fresh, too frightening. It's not any less frightening now, honestly - because if this week doesn't end with President Kamala Harris, we're headed for a national abortion ban, at the minimum - but it's not about how fucking frightened I was or how sad and bewildered I was to realize that my kid was going through this crisis in a nation more hostile to them than when I needed a D&C for an abortion at 21, in 1998.
It's about stopping this chapter of this fucking bullshit and at least finding some new fucking bullshit.
Vote, dammit.
Do the other work on Wednesday. Tomorrow, the work is to vote.
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