#and as i was making an appt for each cat i was like i THINK this one needs so and so vaccine

[kiestrokes]

Omg so I can't stop thinking about high sex with ateez like ive been so insatiably horny everything I've smoked or had an edible I just AHHH i just want dick so bad

Stoned Sex with ATEEZ | NSFW

Pairing: ATEEZ x Reader/You/Yn (vagina pov) Rating: NSFW. Mature (18+) Minors DNI. Genre: headcanon, imagine, smut. Warnings: cannabis use (obviously), in theory both parties are high, so it is mutual, everyone is consenting, established relationship vibes.

Sexually Explicit Content: mentions of subspace, morning sex, rough sex, deep sex, feral (idk at this point just proceed with caution if you're just a vanilla person), rough touches, kissing, biting, cockwarming, oral (f receiving), humping, thigh fucking, surprise orgasm, orgasms.

🗝️ Note: let me know if I missed anything for the warnings, I am not really here in the realm of proof reading. Sorry, this took me a while to get to my atiny anon, hope it's enough to hold you over until you make it to a dick appt!

Disclaimers: This is a work of fiction; I do not own any of the idols depicted here. 

Park Seonghwa Hwa appears unassuming, the two of you go through the usual nightly routine but once he's got you in the bed things shift. He's a needy cat, pawing across your body, you fit snug against his hips as he rocks softly into you from behind, moaning about how soft and plush your skin is when he's like this. He doesn't want to be inside you, just nestled between your thighs from behind as his slim fingers play your clit like an instrument, stroking moans out of your body with each pluck.

Kim Hongjoong High Joong gives me feral vibes...HJ is usually so reserved. But something about the THC sends his brain into overdrive. Hongjoong can't keep his mouth off of you. It's everywhere, until it's finally exactly where you need. Between your thighs. He's rocking his hips restlessly into the end of the mattress at each squirm and thrust of you pelvis against his chin.

Jeong Yunho He is probably the most aware while high, the only thing is his grip is a little stronger than normal. Yunho basically wants to embed himself in your body. For his hands to become one with your thighs. You wake up with lovely handprints in the morning reminding you of him.

Kang Yeosang I feel like stoned sex with Yeo is going to be soft, like how Hwa talks about him being cute drunk. He's whiney and very vocally appreciative of you and your body. It's slow and maybe a little intense, missionary with you rolling on top. Yeo loses it when you press him down into the bed. He dissolves a little into subspace when he's high.

Choi San guys (non-gendered) I am so sorry but THIS man, he falls asleep before anything can actually happen. He sleepily stokes your fire, but you're left finishing the job yourself. Sorry to my San biases, I wish I felt different about this one too. He's just a sleepy man. Definitely wakes you up in the morning for some slowww, drawn out sex. He's intense from how he gazes at you to the lingering pace at which he fucks you.

Song Mingi High Mings becomes big and pliable. He's also whiney and vocal like Yeosang, but a little less articulate. Mingi wants to spoon you, which quickly escalates into something else. His hands are all over you, drifting across your body. Crushing you into his lap as he tries to bury himself in you, deeper and deeper with each thrust. The two of you fall asleep with him still inside (rip you with that uti later).

Jung Wooyoung Feral like his hyung...this guy. He can’t get enough of anything. His skin feels like it’s on fire. He wants to be melted to you. Your lips, tongue, it’s drawn-out sex because he doesn’t want it to end. You're overstimulated in the best way possible; every nerve ending is firing.

Choi Jongho Is giggly. I can just FEEL it. Jongho is laughing but also giving you that intense gaze and each touch is purposeful. You're so keyed up from the laughter and foreplay that your giddiness spills over into a quick and extreme orgasm that takes you both by surprise. Jongho has never come so quickly, and you sure as hell never have.

© COPYRIGHT 2023 by kiestrokes All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be reproduced without written permission from the author. This includes translations.

[stardustinmyhands]

Monday 5/27/24

I think my mood yesterday was cause I didn’t take my medicine for two day (aka my mood stabilizers, and my depression meds. I was lazy and didn’t prep them for the two day I work)

I’ve never fully introduced myself.

She/her, I’m 43. My birthday is in September. I live with my girlfriend of 13 years. We have two cats. We have no kids, which I tried it just never happened. I also have a boyfriend, we’ve been together 10 months. I met them both online. (I’m polyamorous, and they do know about each and have met). I’m obsessed with Lady Gaga, she’s my biggest coping mechanism. I have ADHD, I take adderall for it. I also have Autism. I have chronic pain in all my big joints. (Elbows mostly, knees and my hips occasionally). I have an autoimmune immune disorder, which I get IVIG infusions every two weeks for life. I have a port for that, which I named Tony. (After Tony Bennett, I got it the day he died). I’m the youngest of 3 siblings. My brother’s suicide anniversary is Thursday (one year). My sister lives in Colorado, with my momma. My dad lives in Arizona with my step mom. I love Lady Gaga, Lord Of The Rings, and coloring and writing in my journal. I take trileptal for my moods and abilify for my depression.

Friday me and my gf did so much stuff. We went to breakfast, at first watch. It was so yummy.

Then we went to the DMV, which wasn’t as terrible as we thought it would be. Then we went to Winco, right after that we went to Costco and spent $310. The cart was full and heavy. Went home emptied the car. Went to Kroger. Then I drove her to the chiropractor. We were gone from 8 am till 6:30 pm.

My face has been peeling a lot, so I’ve started to wash my face twice a day and apply lotion. When I go outside I apply 50 spf moisturizer. When I don’t leave the house I just use lotion. 🧴 today I washed it with Ivory soap and it had a lot of perfume in it. I should have gotten the aloe one. It’s not as strong scented. My skin is starting to look better.

I think I want to start wearing make up. I want Haus Labs. I’ve heard it doesn’t feel heavy. I wanna start feeling pretty. But I don’t know yet if I wanna bite the bullet and purchase at $45 make up yet.

I told one of my friends about my mood yesterday. I kinda regret it, she kept trying to offer help. I didn’t want suggestions, I wanted someone to understand. She did both I guess, but I kinda felt like she just wanted to fix it the situation. I’m not ready to share what I was feeling, or why I was feeling it. Maybe sometime. I will share that it was extreme jealousy. As a poly person jealousy is really hard to deal with, it has nothing to do with my partners.

I feel ok today. I’m mildly sore, but it’s not painful. I’m doing chores around the house today. It’s suppose to reach 100° today so I’m not leaving the house, and I don’t have to tbh. I have no appts this week which is shocking. I just realized this is the last week of May.

[air3d3lalm3na]

End of work day one.

She was meant to be here, to welcome me home and to celebrate with me. To hear all about the new people and personalities, while I painted a picture…to give back her own comments on it all, advice, love, humor.

A godsend — I didn’t spend tonight totally without (human) company. A fella from another place in the area came and offered us tickets to a comedy night. Being the youngest, I was the only one interested. I gave the others away to customers. And I went.

After work, I made some rapport with the elderly lady I’ll be replacing, Deb. I like her the best. Shame I will be the only female staff member a lot of days. Oh well.

Then I went.

The guy who invited us got my drink but not in a weird way. More like a thanks for showing up. I was openly gay which is okay here…finally. It got a feature in the last guy’s set after he joked with the couples in the house, starting hetero, then went to a gay male couple, then turned to me and the guy I had just met. Whoops, lol. Not together! The comic was a pervert about lesbians in his act, so I even declined a fistbump, but in a jokey way (“idk where that hand’s been bruh lol”)….

I don’t love the crassness and slight mean cynicism of the comedy scene, but that’s nothing new…. I just have a lot of softness to my personality, and old school, gentler humor has been outmoded. Physical comedy, or understated, chuckle stuff. (You are not Lenny Bruce or peak Eddie Murphy and you’re never going to be, so quit Louis CKing all over the place…it doesn’t flatter ya. But that’s the style they all want: it feels “cool” to be that guy.) Hopefully it gets a comeback — that someone does it.

Anyway, it was comforting and nice to hang around with people closer to my own age, or with a kind of young attitude/scene/vibe. And to just be there and welcomed. Funny how small town, get-to-know-each-other, yet city-feeling this place is. I mean it’s basically between the two, so the shoe fits. That’s my niche…I need the cultural city closeness but a small town place to live to feel cozy. I don’t think I’d want to live right in the city, like I thought when younger (trying to escape to it) — maybe “residential areas” i.e. apts in homes or one day a home itself — but yeah other than that, no.

Coming home is hard, emotionally.

Used self-discipline and got my teeth brushed, got changed, tea. No more late nights even as an accident. Double shift tomorrow.

All this after having had my ADD appt today. By video. I made it while she was still (physically) living…. :(

God.

Eating rice pudding, which she loved. I will get Nana’s recipes copied from my uncle and make hers as we all used to do together. Eventually.

The cat really appreciates our time together in the evenings more, now, as I’ve been more busy. Even pre job, I’ve spent all day in a chair and focusing on accomplishing so many things. He seeks out cuddles and is really loving. A comfort. He needs me as much as I need him right now. I must stop typing to pet him. Love.

[ylkcheeeks]

Trying to fall asleep with adhd is such a fucking overpriced immersive experience of a scam.

Like, I believe that having a song stuck in one’s head is normal, as is humming/thinking of a different song to break the loop. But if I think of the Wrong song then it becomes DJ Earworm Remix time.

Which is how I get to be laying in bed distinctly aware of the sounds my tired brain is making and the ones in the room all piling up on each other like empty red cups at a party.

We’ve got: the uncomfortable shrieking part of Queen of the Night, GLORIA! I’VE GOT THE NAME YOU’VE BEEN LIVING UNDAH!, and some instrumental riffs from I Want to Break Free… and also the pap pap pap of cat antics, various electronic thingy noises my brain needs to catalog the sources of when I notice them, and some downright cartoony snoring.

I keep forgetting to make a dr appt dammit. Writing it here so I remember writing it and do it maybe probably I guess

[eregyrn-falls-art]

I just wanted to give an update on Prue, since folks have been asking!  I sort of got into a “waiting until there was firmer info” mindset, but this has been a long process (and still is).

So the diagnosis is that Prue has cancer -- a tumor that is wrapped around the exit of her stomach.   That’s based on an ultrasound.  It’s in a tricky place, so there have been some differing opinions by various vets on how to even biopsy it; I’ve consulted 4 vets so far (for complicated reasons, mainly that each vet office can only do certain things so they keep sending me to another one for the next procedure).  So we don’t know what *kind* of cancer it is yet, and that will be necessary to figure out the best way to treat it.  I have an appt on 11/18 with a vet who’s going to figure out what kind of procedure to use to get the biopsy.

The good news is that Prue has been doing a *little* better than that first week (in which she wasn’t eating, and we were having battles trying to give her medication).  She has been eating, although not as much as usual.  But I can get her to eat wet food (the tumor is restricting the exit of the stomach and that is part of what is making it hard for her to eat).  I bought the most Doritos-for-cats type of wet food, which she *loves*, and like, at this point I don’t care if it’s not the healthiest, I care that she eats.  Every day is about strategizing to see how much I can get her to eat.  But it’s good that she is actively interested in food. It means we don’t have the battles trying to give her medication.

Her sister Piper (above upper left) has been *very bad*.  For the first two weeks, she hissed at Prue every time she even saw her.  We think this is because she could smell that Prue had been to the vet, and possibly could smell that Prue felt sick.  Still - very rude!  (Piper had a big dental procedure and lots of vet visits this past spring, and Prue *never* hissed at her.)  I got some of that pheromone diffuser stuff, and after a week, it seems to be working; or else Piper is getting used to Prue’s smell, or both.  Piper doesn’t react 99% of the time any more.  (But right after the above pic, she climbed down into the bed -- they snuggle together *all the time*, see the My Cats tag -- and then started hissing and growling, until I sternly told her off because I don’t want her chasing Prue out of the bed.)  Despite Prue looking kind of out of it in the first pic, she’s just sleepy, and it’s a good sign (I think) that she has come out from under the kitchen table and is willing to get into her favorite cold-weather bed; she also gets up on the table beside my computer to ask for petting, which is also normal. 

Long story short -- we’re in a holding pattern again.  The news hasn’t been *good*.  But so far the vets have thought that this is treatable. We just don’t know how yet.  I hate waiting and not knowing for sure.  Which is why I hadn’t posted.

Thanks so much for everyone who has been concerned for Prue!  I’m still at work on commissions, and after I get through this first batch I will almost certainly take some more.  It seems like we’re in for a long haul.

[sleevesareforlosers]

and now my headcanon questions: 1. you've probs talked about this before but in ur long term post-canon (like. snapshot of these guys as Real Adults 10+ years later ) what are vaya and vamos' average days like? 2. do u have any platonic vamos & vinyl headcanons?, and 3. do u have any val/volume/vinyl relationship headcanons? sorry those last two are so open ended I'm just thinking about them ❤️

oh!!!! okay okay okay i love these (and god. i talk so much whoops)

1. vaya ten years down the road still lives in the RadioShack (docs old station) but kind of splits nights between there and xyr girlfriend's place (blessed helen, milf, oc that @dangerdaysofficial and i share). if xes at the shack xe gets woken up by xyr cat(s) and if xes at helens they get woken up by helens kids. xe does broadcasts from the shack mostly but if theres an event happening in the zones (concert, sports game, derby, etc) then xe has a portable station in docs van and goes to them. so yeah xe mostly hangs out, does broadcasts/traffic reports when they happen (much rarer now that like. they arent at war sdkfjs), bugs val and vinyl, xe 'helps' helen in her garden by sitting around and looking pretty and spraying her with a hose when she isnt looking. vayas life postcanon is very much learning how to put down roots and be open and connected with the world around xem

vamos ten years down the road is living in the city, has like. two or three therapy appts a year bc theyve done the Real heavy lifting with like trauma/grief/codependency so now they only have to go when their SAD is acting up or like, yknow, life stresses make things tough. they i think run a like, free store yknow? and it also functions a bit as the nest did in terms of being open housing, a place for people to hang out, vamos loves people and loves helping people so living somewhere thats like, the-nest-but-not-so-destructive is really really good for them. and its very chill as well they get to sleep in and run around the city for fun and host big like. community dinners whenever they want to and ofc they go out of the zones at least once a week to visit vaya and val and vinyl. sometimes the rest of the v's (they still call themselves that but its more of an honorary thing yknow?) come in to visit but vaya is Busy still and going to the city is still kinda hard on vinyl so thats less often. which is ok! vamos does love the zones still they just went to the city to get like. therapy very soon after them n val and vinyl got back from their postcomics roadtrip and by the time theywere like. feeling stable enough to not need super frequent appts and checkups they had roots down in the city and didnt Want to leave. vamos' life postcanon is less about putting down roots and more about finding the balance between independence and community that was hard for them to get while being like. hunted for being a killjoy

2. i have a few but theyre not serious theyre just like. i like rotating them in my mind. vinyl is the only v that Actually knows how to change a lightbulb but vamos is the one that always does it bc vinyl likes to sit back and laugh while vamos climbs up on whoevers shoulders to try and fix things. vamos had been dying their hair before joining the vs ofc but vinyl was the one to suggest that they try pink. they cuddle so much!!! like vamos is already a v physically affectionate person but vinyl LOVES to curl up with them, theyll nap together on couches a lot. also as the two v's that val was most uh. lenient (? chill) with, theyll team up to tease him every now and then (moreso postcanon for obvious reasons) which sometimes looks like vamos putting on what they imagine vinyl's voice would sound like to read whatever he's written in his notebook and sometimes looks like the two of them passing notes and giggling like schoolchildren, tossing the book back and forth over vals head when he tries to grab it, etc. bastards <3 it was vinyls idea for vamos to come on the postcomics roadtrip

3. hm. not romantic hcs but friendship ones for sure!! they were the v's before vaya and vamos joined so there was i think abt two years when it was just the three of them running around, eventually moving into and kinda taking over the nest. volume and val could fight a lot and sometimes vinyl would smack a little sense into them and sometimes hed leave them to work it out but like. most of the time they Did all get along super well (crews love each other!!!) and i mean. sharing beds sharing clothes (val n volume are the same size for binders) making each other food "hey volume i stole u jewelry from the market" "oh val did you hear about the loretta show in zone three i think youd have fun, we should go" "vinyl im doing laundry do you want me to patch up your jumpsuit i know the knees are wearing through" like!!! even if they were bad at um. words and obvious shows of affection or acting like they liked each other sometimes they loved and knew each other really really well and it was obvious in the little things

[hermitcraftheadcanons]

ApartmentAU Masterpost 2:

Link to Previous: https://hermitcraftheadcanons.tumblr.com/post/617100021235662848/apartment-au-masterpost-everyone-lives-in-an

-Aswell as being the landlord, Xisuma is a bee keeper!

-While the top floor of the apartment IS very rundown, Xbs room is super stark from the rest of the hallway! I imagine it being super homy and welcoming despite everything else around it.

-I think x’s bees are on top of the appt where there is a roof garden. 👉👈

-Joe and Cleo's apartments are right next to each other, and if they end up showering at the same time they sing over dramatic shower duets (much to the annoyance of all the other hermits. those walls are thin.)

-The map district is just an old printer they have in the basement. When Cleo went to write the Herald on the computer there she found the Mumbo for Mayor file and had to report about it! (-🤔)

-Grian is actually a really great cook! he doesn’t cook for others very often but when he does he tends to get a lot of compliments (based on the fact that irl grian is a good cook, according to ren). In stark constrast, X is a very poor cook. Not in the ‘burns everything he touches’ kind of way, but in the ‘most bland and underwhelming chicken you’ve ever tasted in your life’ way -sapph

-oh, the hermits DEF get "Hamilton but everyone is played by Impulse". they get it every day. usually late at night or at 7 am sharp.

-Once Grian messes up and got a ton of eggs, and instead of returning them, he just did them around the others apartments and claimed it wasn’t him.

-In regards of that post of Jellie sneaking out of Scar's room. A hermit has probably tried to reenact that video of that russian guy ["Mooommm there's a weird cat outside! Looks like grandma the f*king thing!] Whenever they see Jellie just chilling on their window or at their door. -Dott.

-Grian plays saxophone; it started as a new way to annoy the other Hermits but he's actually gotten quite good at it.

-Hypno has a collection of old pocket watches.

-Joe answers any question asked within earshot. He is generally correct, even when the questions are oddly specific or about concerning topics. Sometimes he knows more about the mafia and gang stuff than actual members. When questioned on how he knows this, he cites reading books, sometimes specifically his time in Keralis' library, even when Keralis knows he doesn't have books that say that. His answers are also frequently very confusing and absurd, and make less sense the more you think about it. The hermits learned to not think too much about his answers after a while.

-Keralis and Xisuma still have the lookie lookie at my alpaca store but the alpacas are actually giant stuffed alpacas. Some hermits are too short to reach the bags on the alpacas and need to ride them to purchase stuff. Occasionally Keralis places an alpaca peeking out of a dark corner of someone's room if they accidentally leave their door unlocked. It scares the life out of Bdubs every single time.

-Joe will generally correctly answer any questions within earshot, and any means /any/. he usually won't crack if you're chatting with him directly, but sometimes when overhearing theorizing & murmurs in the halls, he /will/ pop in to spill the tea. tl;dr: hc that joe is lowkey a gossip.

-TFC has an assortment of different gems and cool looking stones in his room and if a Hermit asks where he got a specific one, he gives a unique story for it.

-zed’s “cave of contraptions” in the basement is a lot less..... sinister-looking when you actually turn the light on. It’s just a messy spare room with random parts, discarded or failed projects in random spots, and some magic kits. One time when he took a hermit down there, he just ended up making them watch him do card tricks for a half hour. -sapph

-Jevin when he cooks somehow always end up with either Jello or an other type of gelatinous meal. He once tried baking and made wiggly cookies. Nobody knows how he did it.

-Jessassin lived in the complex, but far away from the others. He was (obviously) one of the assassins from a gang, but nobody knows. He sneaky.

(All those reds are from anons!)

-The hermits' bases are actually lego sets. (With some exceptions like Iskall's omega tree of doom being a bonsai tree etc.) (-@smolpotato187.)

-Hermits always have a game night every week and the most popular game is DND. Xisuma is the dungeon master.

-Grian loves to hide at the stairwell of the apartment cause whenever he sings his voice echoes. Ren and Wels also does the same but they prefer to sing in their own rooms.

-Stress's room is at the same hall as the Grian, Mumbo, and Iskall. Stress being a sweetheart sometimes brings cookies to the boys' doors and help them around. Since she is on that hall, she is already used to Grian's pranks, Mumbo's spoon moments and yes, Iskall sneaking around in her room.

-Since Grian sings a lot on the stairwell and his voice echoes, I can imagine someone waking up in the middle of the night getting spooked cause they are hearing ‘disembodied voices’ in the air. 

(-@penumbra-rui.)

-Cleo is v awkward on her own and gives pep talks to herself every morning and pats her own back bfore she goes to bed. This is to ensure she always has some good quality conversation with any hermits she encounters.

-As a callback to s6 build-off, Stress’ room is in-between Grian’s and Mumbo’s, and occasionally the two boys would hear singing from Stress’ room. Too bad Iskall misses out on it.

(-@heyitsroby.)

-Maybe false is good at fencing? I don't watch her, but I know she's good at PvP.

-Speaking of time (the hypno one) maybe the apartments are separated according to their timezones? This may not work based on previous asks or just better ideas, but it did pop in into my head.

(-@cabbagesenpai.)

-Maybe Iskall doesn't have a robot eye thing on his face, but rather a pair of glasses, of which one of the lens' is coloured blue. He liked the look of it so much that when he got a new pair of glasses, he ordered for one side to be green. Either that or he comissioned some kind of futuristic monocle for the hell of it. (-@oh-hecc-im-stupid-af.)

-TFC is a retired coal-miner. (-@tomcatacaphe)

[solesurvivorkat]

Pair Eyewear

My writing (and YouTube channel, and a couple other of my interests) had taken a bit of a backseat lately, because I found a new special interest to distract me:

Pair Eyewear

(Note: this turned into a bit of a longer post, so I put it behind a cut. I am NOT sponsored by/affiliated with Pair in any way, I just wanted to share some of my personal thoughts/experiences with them thus far.)

I knew my eyesight was changing just a little bit (not to a point in which I couldn't see, but I could still tell it wasn't 100% the same), and it had been years since my last eye checkup. I had to wait quite a bit for my eye appointment to be scheduled, and then wait for the appointment day to arrive.

It was really hard to wait because in the meantime, I'd discovered the beauty of Pair Eyewear, and just how addicting it can be. Longer story short, for those of you who've never heard of it: Imagine getting a pair of glasses, and then making that frame look (decoration-wise) almost any way you want/can imagine - either to match any outfit, or reflect any interest/decorative idea. That's Pair. Glasses with small magnets on the base frame - and then you can order different tops (also w/ magnets on them, to stay on the base pair) to align over the base pair to make them look different.

They have all different categories of top frames (or 'toppers', as they're often referred by):

...Not enough? Fine - you can also find people who create and sell their own toppers on Etsy (depending on the style of base frame you get - some people don't create for all styles) or Facebook. Really - the only limit is your imagination (...or your wallet, I suppose, lol).

There's also over 10 different styles of base frames (round, rectangular, cat-eye, narrow, medium, wide, etc), and 6 different colors the base frames can come in, so there's tons of room for customization.

When I finally had my eye appt. (more on that in a sec) and got my glasses prescription, I could finally try out Pair! I picked out the 'Reese' base frame (narrow, round frames... cat-eye frames ad rectangular frames seem to be really popular, but they're not for me personally).

Again - much longer story short, I loved seeing all the different colors/designs/types of toppers I could choose from (toppers range from $20-30 each, depending). After quite a bit of time looking at tons of them (and they're also coming out w/ a 'summer collection' in a couple days, God help me, lol), I purchased my base frame, a sunglasses topper, and a few other toppers from Pair:

I didn't order the star ones in time for Memorial Day, but I'll still have 'em for July 4th. The cheeseburger ones were so goofy that I knew I HAD to buy them (LOL), the silver sparkle ones were pretty, and Spider-Man is totally my young son's thing, so I knew I had to get those too. (I got a few more from misc. sellers on Facebook - I'll talk about those when they arrive in the mail)

The base frames start at $60 - however. That's the price for either a single-strength prescription, or if you just wanted to get Non-Rx glasses (blue light blocking, OTC readers, etc).

I was not as lucky, lol.

The good news is that without glasses, my eyesight is technically still 20/20 - I can see 'legally' well enough that it doesn't hinder my driving or everyday life much. But my eyesight is starting to go a tiny bit - I've worn OTC reading glasses (+1.50s) for years, and turns out I also am starting to have a tiny bit of trouble reading tiny print 100% clearly from further away (think like, hanging menus in take-out restaurants - I can read them, but the words aren't 100% crisp like they would be in someone w/ perfect eyesight).

The optometrist told me I could go w/o glasses if I wanted and I'd be fine (unless my sight suddenly got worse, and I'll get them rechecked in 2 years) - but if I wanted to wear glasses, I'd either have to get 2 different pairs (one for reading, one for further away) or just get readers and deal w/ the slightly blurry further-away tiny words.

ANYWAY - I really wanted my Pairs (lol), so I ordered what is called 'Progressive' lenses - think like, bifocals w/o the lines in the lenses. I've heard that some angles in the lenses can look slightly distorted & it may take a tiny bit if getting used to - but I was willing to take the risk (I've heard mostly good things about Par progressive glasses).

Progressive/bifocal/multifocal lenses, obviously because they have more than one strength, will cost more than just the $60 base price. Depending on what your Rx needs are (plus you can add-on blue light-blocking features, transition lenses that darken in brighter light, and some other options if you want - I did not), the cost can go from $60 to a few hundred dollars (off the top of my head, I think mine were in the $200-range).

...Yes, this is definitely more pricey - but (in theory) I would see better, and with all the customization options I had, it was worth the money. Some people have several pairs of glasses just b/c they want different styles/looks... this is ONE pair w/ different toppers you can change out. Plus, some people spend that much (or more!) for REGULAR glasses, so really - seemed totally worth it.

AT ANY RATE: If anyone is interested, definitely check it out. I should get my new glasses in the mail tomorrow (after lots of impatient waiting, lol) so I'll let you know how they are - and if anyone decides to buy from them, use the code/link below and I can save you a little money in the process. :-)

Get $25 off your first order of $60 or more!

[anonymoussharing]

Can’t post anywhere else

So much has happened. I know I won’t be able to get it all in here. So tangled, with no help untangling it. Just internet reading and guesswork. The ideal would be that I would have a doctor by my side, answering questions and guiding my choices, but that’s not happening.

Let’s begin.

I had an infection on my calf, and my feet hurt. Difficult to make it to the bathroom in the night, hurt so bad. Doc appt, with the urgent care doc. She gets down on the floor, pokes and prods, finds what she calls a bite. This infection is the size of my hand, red, hard, hot, caused by a bite of some sort? Ok, because I can’t argue with it, without information I don’t have. Solution is antibiotics, and a referral to an infectious disease specialist, who later tells me that if I gotten there sooner, he would have given me IV antibiotics. More serious than I was led to believe, perhaps? I can’t even tell anymore.

Also, unhappy pussy. Did a standard std test, negative. Doc suggests Trichomoniasis test, based on what she sees...hey, that’s positive. Great, I’ve picked up a parasite. From whom, I haven’t a clue. My prime suspect claimed that he tested negative (a few weeks after me notifying him)(I mean, I’m glad he doesn’t have it but that means I have no idea where I got it).

Over the course of three or four weeks (hey, details are fuzzy) I was on 4 antibiotics. Constant nausea. Living on pills, oatmeal, and honey nut cheerios. Terrible metallic taste.

The night I tried beef ramen, and it didn’t make me nauseous and tasted amazing was orgasmic. I think I heard angels. I’m still chasing that high, making it over and over, eating waaaaay too much pasta, but now it just tastes greasy and salty.

Getting up in the night to pee. Shoving a washcloth between my legs because my feet hurt so much that I can’t concentrate on holding my pee between the bed and the toilet. Loudly vocalizing, leaning on everything, hanging onto the walls. Staying on the toilet because getting up, and back to the bed, hurts so much. Gulp some advil, back to bed, hoping it’ll be better when I wake up. I’m very happy it’s not that bad anymore. Very happy I live alone, didn’t wake anyone up but the cats.

Metronidazole. Avoid if at all possible. Nausea and mouth tasted like keys. Nothing tasted good.

Doxycycline for UTI, yeah, I had that too. Probably from the trich.

Bactrim and Cephalexin. Two batches of the Cephalexin. To combat the infection in my leg, I assume. I don’t know anymore. I just kept taking whatever they prescribed. The one good thing is that none of them cost very much, I think combined it cost me less that $35, along with fluconazole for a yeast infection I’m not sure I ever got.

The good news is, after all the meds, and two months later, no more infections. my calf is back to normal, from what I can tell. I got tested for trich again, because kitty still not happy, but that was negative too. No infections, no STD’s. OK, good.

What I’m left with is...foot pain. Oh yeah, plus ankle, knee, baby finger, and back.

Here’s my guess, based on my reading...Psoriatic arthritis. I’ve had psoriasis my whole life, I’m guessing the shock to my system kickstarted the next step in my psoriasis journey. The symptoms match. Ibuprofen helps. But ibuprofen can destroy my stomach, so I don’t stay tanked up on painkillers, which means I’m uncomfortable and not walking steadily about half the day. Sometimes my back screams in the morning, sometimes it’s fine. Two toes on each foot, not the same ones, swollen, don’t bend. I don’t feel like I can walk normally most of the time. I move slowly. I feel vulnerable. Can’t run away from traffic or unsafe feelings.

Oh! and I don’t have that job anymore. Bunch of prudes. Poor training. Misleading job description. So I’m job hunting (actually I’m not. I’m staying up late and sleeping til noon. I’m taking a fucking vacation) I don’t feel as though interviewing with all these physical restrictions is a good idea. I can’t stand, I can’t walk, I don’t want to do customer service (I figured out that’s not something I want to do). I want to sit at a desk and make things.

I pushed away all my satellites. Celibate for two months, not even masturbation. I discovered along the way that my cup gets filled by superficial sexual encounters, and without them, fuck, I’m kinda lonely. I don’t have non-sexual friends. I can’t turn my sexual friends into non-sexual friends, without feeling the pressure to change my mind and fuck. Ryan is very sweet, but desperate, and hanging out with him isn’t fulfilling enough without the sex.

I have the urge to run away for a while. I won’t, of course, because of my cats and my stuff, and my bed, and the loveseat that I spend most of my time on.

[graveshomestead]

Welcome!

It's exciting to think that I'm really changing blog locations. I've talked about doing this for multiple reasons, but primarily because I'm looking for more ways to add creativity to writing, displaying photos and videos - and really, I'm ready to learn what's out in the world of blogging and learn new things. Blog sites are all a little different, and I'd like to thank Lauren for getting me set up with Tumblr to give this a go. I have many things to learn about this site and what all it can do, but that will be part of the fun. I'm learning how to insert photos and esp excited about putting videos in a blog that aren't videos of videos. I've got alot to learn, and I'm looking forward to it.

I've gotten some practice in so far, as I've started to load my old blog posts starting back in 2015 when I crossed the U.S. Just rereading it, reposting it, and adding photos to it brought it back to life for me. I have about the first 2 weeks loaded thus far, and adding pictures to it was like I was reliving it again. I'll continue to add the old posts back into this blog site slowly. That's a huge project in itself. With time though, I'd like to move it all over here.

For those who want to reference the previous blog site, you'll find it here:

For now though, this is my first up-to-date blog post on this site. So let's get started......

MRI time, my friends

This past week David made his well-worn trek down to Houston for his first set of follow up visits to MD Anderson. It's with a blissful heart that I tell you David received an A+ from his radiation oncologist, his chemotherapy oncologist, and from his medical oncologist.

** David's favorite thing about having an MRI, are the socks he receives. He has a whole drawer dedicated to no-slip socks. **

His MRI looked good, his labs were spot on, and the healing of his nasal passages, throat, mouth, neck area (lymph nodes) and skin are all ahead of schedule in the healing process.

How about we take a look at what they saw in David's nose, shall we?

All the gold stars for you, David. We thank God for this wonderful news. Miracles are happening around here. SNUC is not an easy thing to have, and leave it to David to just blow right through it all.

What's next? Well, he goes back again next month for a PET scan at MDA, and then that will tell the tale of this story further. Dr Hanna is hopeful that all will be well on it, and David takes this information from him seriously, because if anyone knows SNUC, it's Dr Hanna. His words are golden.

The news keeps getting better, as David has a PreOp appt with Dr D on Monday and has inguinal hernia surgery scheduled on Thursday. Words cannot express how important this is to David and his livelihood. With cancer treatments delaying the surgery, he's been limited to what he can do physically, as the hernia just kept getting worse and worse. Next week is the Week of David. I'm so happy for him. No, the recovery won't be easy, but he's All-In and ready to move forward no matter what the recovery looks like. He can do hard things, no doubt.

Spring has sprung

This Spring weather is certainly a treat for everyone. It's wonderful to see the grass so green, the trees are all growing neon bright new leaves, and the animals are seemingly enjoying it as well. As I spend more time outside and with the animals, I didn't initially understand the power of farm animals and how they heal us and teach us how to live. Now, going on 5 years with so many fun and exciting experiences with sheep, goats, mini horses, donkeys, barn cats, ducks and chickens - I realize they teach me how to be. They guide me toward my truth. I feel it each moment I'm with them, which is why I think I love being in the barn so very much. This is how I want to spend the moments of my day, every day. It just feels right.

Opening our hearts to our animals has brought us so much joy, but it also makes us vulnerable to the heartbreak of loss. I remember when we moved to the farm with Ginger and Butterscotch, our 2 Rhode Island Reds. We were so proud of our 2 chickens. Then upon moving to Gunter, we bought 2 buff Orpingtons and 2 Barred Rocks - and we thought we had SO many chickens. Silly us.

This is our 5 year old girl, Pepper (Barred Rock) whose sister looks just like her, Pebbles. They are barred rocks who are aging and showing the others what it's like to like a wonderful life up until the last breathe. It's with a sad heart that I tell you we lost Pepper this past Thursday night. She had gone up to roost in the coop for the night, as she usually does because she no longer roosts up high. She slowly and intently climbs the ladder up into the coop where it's warm and quiet. And that night, she died in her sleep. I found her the next morning with the most content expression on her face, eyes closed, and feet still curled as if still sitting on the post in the coop. God took her in peace. It was just the day before, that she was slowly moving around with the others. Slowly. The wonderful thing about chickens (or at least ours from what we've seen) is that the other younger chickens respect their elders. They all mingled together, with Pepper no longer able to move quickly these last few weeks, but she's always up and with the others. And now we see Pebbles slowing. In addition, we have several other older girlz that we have purchased as adults, so they too, are showing their age.

In Cluckingham, when our girlz no longer lay eggs, they reap the benefit of getting to hang around, grow old and free range. They are great at keeping the pesky insect population down, so even in retirement, they are useful. Exactly how we all wish to be.

Speaking of Cluckingham, we are watching several older sweethearts start making their way to the slow moving, early-to-bed, slow eye blink phase of life. Here's a few of our older girls:

We lost sweet Pepper, but her sister, Pebbles is now taking the same road of moving slowly, puffing herself out to keep warmer (even during the day) and her eyes are shut often as she rest in the very spot she stands. These girlz will still mix with the flock, just at a slower pace. I get you, my sweets. Take all the time you need.

Another older gal is Cali. We purchased Cali at an unknown age from a chicken lady in Oklahoma and have never been really sure what breed she is, but I think she might be a buff princess gem. She was already an adult and laying eggs when we took her home a few years back, but I can tell she's getting old because she goes to bed very early, and sleeps in each day. Her comb is wilted and no longer red and vibrant. Her feathers have dulled from the once beautiful sheen she had as a young hen. She's in no hurry to move around, all while the young'uns are feverishly moving around her. She does her own thing. You do you, Cali. We adore your kind-hearted self and your beautiful just as you are.

Speaking of princess gems, here's an older gal, Storm. She's very quiet and keeps to herself mostly. You can see her comb is shriveled up and her eyes show her age. She's no longer a layer, and rather enjoys being retired. She roosts low to the ground, but still in the open area with the other girlz. We ended up buying another grey princess gem who looks just like Storm, but whose obviously much younger.

This is Storm's younger look-alike, Raine. She loves to roost on top of the coop at night, and poop all over it, knock over the weather vane and do things young girlz do. She's an egg laying machine. Notice how her comb is bright red, stands up straight and nice, and her ability to fly to the top of the coop is evidence of her younger age. Storm is just not able to do that anymore. Both these girlz are beautiful grey gems, and we love the contrast they bring to the flock.

I appreciate the differences in each chicken, as well as the differences of the young and the old. I love all the animals and their uniqueness. They all bring something special to the farm. What I know for sure is that everything in the past has been perfect. We've had our ups and downs these last 5 years on the farm, and I wouldn't change a thing. I grieve with every loss, every time. And all that unspent love that gathers up in the corners of my eyes, the lump in my throat, and that deep feeling in my chest all tells me that it's just love with no place to go. Fortunately for me, all my animals I've lost, I'll meet again in heaven. Waiting for me. That in itself brings about peace, and I will carry on here at the Graves Farm loving and learning. It makes me come alive, and when life breaks you open, I keep moving towards love, with joy as our GPS.

[reeceinaustralia]

Hello! Haha I’ve been really bad at this so I’ll be brief

Nov. 9. Gym in the morning. Dinner at CBD dumpling house, super crazy busy. I have noticed that the Chinese food here is super saucy like it drips with sauce. The food was really good.

Nov. 10. Bus depot markets to have breakfast with nicks dad. Took Sami for a walk. After dinner nicks mum was asking me about what I normally do for Christmas and after that I was a little homesick.

Nov. 11. Gym, Nick got AirPods for his b day from his dad so we had to go to Woden to pick them up , I made a bank appt to open an account because I’ll be working. We went and saw dr. Sleep with nicks friends, it was pretty good! I really enjoyed it, nick is a scary cat and hates horror movies so he doesn’t want to watch the shining (he has never seen it)

Nov. 12. Nick had an interview, bank appt to open my account, I had a work trial at benefit in civic. The trial went well, you have to stop people and ask them if they want a makeover which was not my favourite but I think it went well. Trials are a big thing over here, most of the time you don’t get paid but legally they’re suppose to pay you, almost all places do trials appearently. I wandered the mall by myself for a bit which was pretty nice and relaxing.

Nov. 13. Gym, nicks dads for takeout and watch a sport (we got KFC and it was actually good which I was super surprised by) we went and walked around Weston park with nicks friends then went to Kita which is a cool coffee place that is open super late for students and it was super cute almost like a soul food kind place.

Nov. 14. I had another trial a cute local cafe called A Bite To Eat and I really liked it there! I AM NOW EMPLOYED SO THATS COOL. Later we went out and I got kicked out of a bar because they told me I needed my passport not just my drivers license, even tho it is a valid form of ID here, we just went home after.

Nov. 16. Had a chill morning and went to a party, nicks high school friend was hosting so I got to meet a lot more of nicks friends which was cool. I beat everyone at shot gunning. We went out later but it didn’t last long because it ant super busy out.

Nov. 18. nick had another job interview in civic so we went there in the morning. We went to san churros again and brought Ewan with us! Mostly just hung out bc its starting to get really warm. Later everyone went and saw Charlies angels and its just a horrible movie but its fun that we go to the movies each week.

I got my coffee situation figured out (I was having trouble making good coffee at home)

People keep asking me to say specific words which is pretty funny

IM EMPLOYED

[youmightaswell]

Die!

Hop on My Train of Thought...

I’ve been anxious and sort of ragey lately (perimenopause seems unlikely...) Not sure why, but I keep having these surges of anger and agitation. Life is annoying, though, amirite?

I noticed it really bad on Thursday when I put the dog in daycare and raced to the Bronx – my tax preparer is in a very sketchy area – to get my taxes done. I only get four hours of daycare for a set price. Anything over four hours is charged at a full day. My plan was to do my taxes and get back with an hour left so I could get my nails done before picking the dog up. Best laid plans, man.

My tax preparer was late by an hour. Steve has been my tax guy since 1993 when he ran a flourishing tax biz in Midtown Manhattan. The line would be around the floor and the wait could span 10 hours but people flocked to him because was the only guy back then anyone could find that would be “creative” with your taxes. I don’t need “creativity” but I am fiercely loyal and hate change. He shared an office with his Turkish wife who ran a travel agency. Year after year I’d make the pilgrimage to see Steve and he’d complain that he was planning on leaving his wife.

Years passed and Steve’s health diminished, he was investigated by the IRS and he ended up taking a desk in a sketchy Bronx tax svc. As even more years passed the owner of that shop basically let him have a vanity job – one in which his loyal clients could come in and make an appt with him and he could sit next to them while a “real” tax preparer would actually do the work. This worked fine with me because they were quick in a way Steve never was, made less mistakes and had all my previous year’s taxes on file for reference. Also they didn’t discuss leaving their spouses with me. 

So at this point I don’t need Steve. He doesn’t even have a desk or computer now but insisted on meeting me there at 11:30am. Except he was an hour late and the girl who would inevitably do my taxes took someone ahead of me because my “appointment” was with Steve. When he finally got there she was in the middle of someone else’s and I had to just sit there and waste time while Steve prattled on about his cat and how he was definitely leaving his wife this year -- they are in their late seventies now.

Finally she got to me but the place is shoddily run so she kept having to pause to answer the phone.

Anyway I was livid at everyone and everything, but mostly myself. I should not have waited for Steve and simply made an appt. directly with the girl Sully instead. Still, I know I’ll do this again and again until he dies. 

I raced out of there and was surprised I made it to the nail salon in time. I had 50 minute before having to pick up the dog but lo and behold every station was busy and there was a 35-minute wait! Argh! Who the fuck were all these people there in the middle of a Thursday?

Anyway the woman finally started on my nails but halfway into it I had to run to daycare to pick up the dog. By the time I returned 2 people were once again ahead of me. Again, fuck! My whole day was essentially wasted, my nails got smudged while carrying the dog on the way out and just Ugh!

So this sort of ragey, shaky feeling stayed with me. All night my body was abuzz and couldn’t shut off. To calm myself I scrolled endlessly through a cheap clothing site at bathing suits and bought two. This also made me ragey because shopping soothes me but I now own 42 bathing suits. It’s a sickness – one more expensive than popping a Xanax.

Anyway I had an anxiety dream that night and the following. So last night as my body once again was abuzz with something bad, instead of rage shopping bikinis I started trying to think of soothing thoughts. One that popped into my clearly damaged head was taking a train trip. I loved Agatha Christie and conjured thoughts of sleeping cars on the Orient Express. How romantic! (I mean everything but that pesky murder part. #ssdgm) Anyway, I recalled reading a travel essay last year about sleeping cars and had read there was a train trip from NYC to Chicago that offered one. I knew I couldn’t ever get the time, money and energy to do a European train trip like through the Alps or something amazing, but I could get those three to go for an overnight somewhere in the U.S.

So to quell my weird rage and anxiety, I planned out my trip for two hours. I’m thinking about actually doing it. And at least it got my mind – bad thoughts racing as if a train on a track – off my stressors.

Here’s what it’d entail: I’d board at Penn Station at 3:40pm (the only direct trip) and get a sleeper car with a full bedroom and private bathroom, all meals and drinks included. The train also features a car for views of the countryside with full glass walls. 

I’d chill, eat, and read till bedtime, get turn down service, wake at 8 and get breakfast and then be in Chicago’s Union Station at 9:50am. I’d leave my luggage at the station (I found a place that charges a small fee) and then walk to Willis Tower and go to the top to view the City. I’d grab lunch and walk to the Art Institute and then cab it to the Navy Pier where I”d get dinner and ride the Ferris Wheel. I’d cab the short distance back to the train station and hope on my return trip at 9:30pm. Again, sleeper car immediately and sleep till morning and then I’d have the whole day to stare out the window like a mental patient, write, read, people watch and chill. The train gets into Penn at 6pm and I’d head home on the subway.

I mentioned it to a casual guy friend who totally doesn’t get me who said, “Why not just fly to Chicago?” even though I amply explained it was about the romance of train travel I wanted to try – not going to Chicago, a place I don’t like that much and have been to a bunch of times. Then I felt ragey all over again and put three bikinis in my online cart. Fuckkkkk!

Still, this trip sounds like a pretty interesting – oh, think of the stories I may have… – way to spend a weekend for an introvert like me. The only thing preventing me is finding a dogsitter for two nights and more importantly the trip is super expensive for such a short time: Each way is $1083. Still, I think I may enjoy it if only for the writing fodder because I’m fairly certain wherever I go, craziness follows.

I have my trip to South Beach for my bday coming up the first week of May and then Montauk trip June 16-19 with my crazy ex again and then am thinking of going to Vegas for 6 days over Labor Day. Not sure when I could squeeze the Fri-Sun trip in to Chicago – I’d only want to do it in warm weather – but maybe late September/early October?

Thoughts?

[lavenderek]

ok here is the story of my cat and her poops. theres a lot of frank discussion of cat poop here so feel free to scroll past

my cat has some anxiety and she hates the other cats, and whenever something stressful is going on, she gets the liquid poops. when we lived in greeley, one day there was blood in it, so i took her to the vet immediately. he made me feel like it wasn’t a huge deal, but he prescribed her some medicine and i forced it down her throat dutifully every night and her poops returned to form but stayed soft.

and she seemed normal otherwise! her behavior hadn’t changed and she was eating and drinking normally.

then when i moved back home and she was combined w several other cats, she started missing the litterbox. it was deliberate. every day twice a day there would be a shit on the floor two feet away from the litterboxes. it was always soft. i figured it was just a bigass cat middle finger to the other cats

then after two or three years my parents decided to sell the house. EVERYTHING was in boxes and we had house showings and i started plugging in air fresheners everywhere so it wouldn’t smell like cat pee (my mom’s cat fucking pissed everywhere it was a territory thing) and this is when it all went to shit (haha)

she started shitting upstairs in the kitchen instead.

we couldnt put a litterbox there because of the house showings so i just started putting her in the garage (with food and water and litterboxes and blankets) when somebody had to come over. and as a result every morning when we got up, cat shit in the kitchen. and every night when i got home from work, cat shit in the kitchen.

when we finally sold the house and moved, there was a litterbox under the little business nook in the kitchen, and she used that. she did not shit on the floor! but when we found a permanent location for litterboxes we took it away, and day one she took a crap on the floor where the litterbox was, so we put another one in its place.

but after that, she returned firmly to shitting on the kitchen floor. and not even where she had originally shit on the floor, she was putting it across the room.

and she knew i hated it! because when i found it i would come find her and carry her over to it and show it to her and tell her No (i would never hurt her but i wanted her to associate pooping on the floor with me being mad)

and it worked, she knew i was mad. it did not stop her from shitting on the floor! what it did was make her tail poof up with fear WHILE SHE SHIT ON THE FLOOR! and that is how i decided something was wrong. i decided to take her to the vet on my next day off. the day before the vet appt there was blood in it. anyway so different vet this time bc i no longer live in greeley.

THIS vet is a family fav because although he is gruff and kind of rude to humans, he LOVES animals. he knows his shit and he complimented her ears, which are pretty and which she keeps very clean. he also immediately diagnosed her with giardia and gave me some different medicine to force feed her, and he told me to sequester her from the other cats because although the other cats haven’t been having any poop issues whatsoever, not even missing the box or failing to properly bury it, giardia is contagious among cats who poop near each other.

he also said she was a senior cat and may just be getting lazy. i was like idk about that. i got her her own litterbox and her own food and water and set her up on vacation in my room.

my mom is CONVINCED she is sad and lonely and bored, and maybe she is! but she seems thrilled to me. she’s peppy and kind and she obeys the litterbox except once or twice when she had peed a bunch of times while i was at work and then decided the box was too messy for her to poop in. but the poops stayed soft. and after her quarantine period ended (doc said five days, i kept her a week) she returned firmly to shitting on the floor. and i couldn’t afford to take her back to the vet.

and honestly this vet was rly annoyed that we have been feeding her purina anyway and i was like. she doesn’t seem to like purina. shes been eating it her entire life but the last several years she like fishes the food out w her paw and complains about it. it didn’t occur to me to think anything of it but now im thinking about her digestive system like all the time so i was like hmm.

so i bought her some special dry food that’s for senior cats w digestive issues, and i also bought some probiotic supplements to mix into her fav grain free wet food. and i have returned her to her separation.

and it has been two weeks now and her poops are mostly solid. and they don’t smell like death warmed over anymore they just smell like normal cat poop. and !! today !!

she let me scratch her tummy. she has kicked my hand away whenever i touched her tummy for years now! but just now i scratched her tummy and she ROLLED ONTO HER BACK AND PURRED!!

and now im like! maybe she hated when i touched her tummy bc it was sensitive and she didn’t feel good! maybe she fucked around w her food because she was having trouble digesting it! maybe pooping away from the box wasn’t a “fuck my roommates” issue, maybe it was a “hey who wants to diagnose my painful shits” issue!

the moral of the story is if your pet has a misbehavioral issue there is often a chance that they are having a sickness and need help. im frustrated w myself that it took me this long to figure out how to help her, but im also frustrated w my parents because it didnt even occur to them she should go to the vet like all our cats are overdue for their shots and the vet was like hmmm hrmph << >3( about it (like i said hes kind of rude to People but he cares v much about Animals)

ANYWAY scratched my cats tummy today and she loves her new food and eats ravenously.

[the-crazy-dinosaur]

Update of appt with P...not that anyone cares

WARNING ⚠️️ this may be long but I don’t care

So as I mentioned in a previous post I was really anxious about this appt because of what happened last time I saw her. But anyways, I walked in, sat down and it was a bit awks because we were just sitting in silence. Eventually she asked why I came back as to which I responded “because I am crazy”. Then she asked what I get out of these sessions and while I do find them helpful I couldn’t explain in words why. I managed to say some things that didn’t make much sense and we moved on. Then she started talking about how she wants me to start talking about myself differently (as in not “because I’m crazy”) and she says some stuff about that.

At this point I am still VERY anxious because we hadn’t really started “talking” and was still waiting for her to bring up what happened. Then she starts talking about how it’s not helpful when we talk about suicide and stuff and when she says that my anxiety shoots THROUGH THE ROOF and all I’m thinking is “oh god, this is where she tells me off for what I did”. But no, she doesn’t. She says it’s not helpful for either of us when we get into these battles of who she’s going to call when I’m suicidal and how at the end of the day she can’t stop me, if I want to kill myself I will. So how she wants to shift the focus of our sessions from talking about the day to day I’m suicidal, I’m hearing voices, this happened with my mum etc…to the more what’s going on in my mind and the more deep down issues and stuff that is really ingrained in my mind. Things like my fucked up thinking and negative mindset. I think she thinks if that stuff improves the more day to day going ons will also improve. She says she’s going to make me sign a safety contract each week not because she knows it’ll stop me from killing myself if that’s what I really want but more to cover her arse legally if something like that was to occur. So we do that.

Then we move onto what she actually wants to do today. She said she bought in this thing so go gets it and it’s like a “game” (it’s not a game but that’s the easiest way to explain it). There are 5 different catergories and she asks me to choose 1 but I can’t because I know in each there’ll be at least 1 bad thing I don’t want to talk about or her to know so I ask her to choose but she doesn’t so eventually I choose 1 at random (can’t remember what it was called exactly but it was like physical, like exercise and stuff). Then there were about 10 cards with different statements on them all got to do with this category. So we would pick a card, talk about it, then on a scale decide how well that topic is going in my life at the moment. This doesn’t sound very exciting but I think she learnt a lot about me that she didn’t know before which is always helpful. So we did this for the rest of the session. I think the aim is to really challenge thinking patterns and try and get you to look at things differently. I still couldn’t help but rate myself for everything really low.

To me it didn’t feeel like a very exciting session but as P said at the end “I think that’s the best session we’ve had” and I am glad we moved away from those sessions where it’s just like “I’m going to call CAT/your mum” “no, you’re not allowed” “well I have to call someone, who do you want it to be?” ect…I hated when we got into struggles like those because they really are not helpful, but hopefully those days are gone.

So yeah, that was my session, I can’t really explain what/why we did what we did but I understand her logic and thinking behind everything. It does make sense and while it hasn’t helped me yet I can see how in the long run it will. Let’s see what happens next appointment!

[lelibug]

I. Just. Cannot. Catch. A. Break. I am beyond Utterly EXHAUSTED. Another Goddamned Morning From ALL HELL...

AND I am in a LOT of pain, in my back - To make matters rather worse, the bed (Hypnos Mattress) requires flipping, and it causes a lot of pain when it's getting soft and unsupportive.

This time it was the goddamned dogs again... Barking, even bloody howling, at the door... For Gods know what! But they were going ballistic - and Dad was doing absolutely nothing to help... They were edging on Red-Zone-Gone and he really didn't understand this.

So - I Slid Down, All. The. Way. Down. The stairs to get to them. Souly went immediately quiet; Buddy did not. I focused on Buddy, then he went ape-shit crazy when I compronted him with a "Tch-Bite" with my hand - So, I picked him up by his collar to standing (as I do with Souly), and the damned Wackadoodle went and Nipped me... Cheeky Fuck! Cats do far worse than him when they're chilled, so it was hardly anything to experience -- but... The Damned Cheek of It!!!!

Well, He got Alpha Rolled (so much easier than Soul, who knew...!!...). Souly was pulled back because he lost his temper a bit at Buddy. Then I really let rip into them. A LOT. And I was furious with them for creating such a bloody Fracas! 

After that, some planes turned up, so they both just cowered. Not sure if it didn't help make my point more, actually, showing something to be afraid of as part of my arse-ripping...? Well, I let them go, and had to then face the fact I had to climb my way back upstairs.

I did it - pulling one knee up at a time, leaning on the opposite side for stability, then hauling myself up each goddamned step.

I just about managed to make it up when I had to turn to comfort & soothe Souly more, for several more minutes on the stairs, when the building site noises across the road by the (former, now) primary school and Bedol land were upsetting him again, and making him bark. Apparently, he's not a fan. Just like his Momee...

Once this was finally dealt with, I went back into my room, feeling, "Well, Now I think I am ready to get to Loughborough...!!". 

It had all been so fast, so exhausting, so overwhelming, that I immediately went into ShutDown Mode. It took a while and a Buddy to start getting me to even start talking again.

This had all started when I was barely getting to be Awake & before I had any coffee. My first coffee was at 12:55pm. After EVERYTHING, including my ShutDown, was done with. And... Well, You've seen the Isobars... 999mb.

I. Am. Just... Done. Completely & Utterly. Done. So, So, So Exhausted. So, So, So Very Drained. Mentally, Psychologically Done In.

But now... There is packing to be done. Things to sort out Properly to go away for a WEEK. Last time went away for a long time was back in March, for my birthday, in Caernarfon for 10 days. And we all know how well that went...

This is also NOT the Time Of Year for all this... This is the Anniversary of EVERYTHINGS This Time Of Year. Maybe different months and years, but between October & March is when EVERYTHINGS happened at some point in time. Like the Gods just Insist I Hate This Time Of Year!

October 31st 2013 -- The Beginning of EVERYTHINGS

November 2013 -- Having to Move House & Settle Down in Leyton

November 2013 -- Suffered from Pneumonia - Had to still walk the dog and ended up having to go back to work... a 4 hour Round-Trip Away

December 2013 -- Fibromyalgia is starting it's campaign to take hold of my body for itself

March 2014 -- Had to give up my Job at the Brompton Hospital from being desperately ill, just before my birthday

May 2014 -- See Pain Clinic Consultant, he wants an MRI Scan 

June 2014 -- MRI Scan

November 2014 -- "Officially" Diagnosed with ASD

February 2015 -- Finally got to see the Pain Clinic Consultant re MRI Scan of lower lumbar area (Nearly 9 months later!)

June 2015 -- Finally get "Officially" diagnosed with Fibro, then... Nothing. No followup or help given.

November 2015 -- Dumped by Boo; Dumped with my Parents back in North Wales, at Nain & Taid's old house.

December 2017 -- C*****g Bitch at Roslin breaks my brain & My Very Soul

December 2017 -- The pain in my tummy and pelvis turns into the Ripping & Searing Pain of All Mortal Agony, ripping everything inside me to shreds & leaving me Screaming at the top of my lungs in White-Hot-Agony-of-all-Agonies

January 2018 -- Emergency Admission to Hospital. YGC Diagnose not one, but TWO different Blood Poisoning inside me, as well as Multiple Other Infections, too (Mainly Urine & Bowel, others unidentifiable).

March 2018 -- Finally Released from hospital - the day after my birthday. Had 37th Birthday in Hospital.

October 2018 -- Pain Clinic finally comes through with Physio+Therapy Treatment option for me, with a date. But then, CHANGE the date - to January 2019!

January 2019 -- Unable to cope anymore with this appt hanging over my head, just shortly after the Anniversary of that Bitch in Roslin - Had Nervous Breakdown in the end. Had desperately tried to get Mam to agree that I shouldn't go... But it was too little too late when she finally did cancel it -- AFTER I'd had said breakdown

October 2019 -- Have been dissociative and derealising since January, and now it's going Supernova because it's That Time Of Year, Again...

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[sumergosuigeneris]

October 1, 2019

I’m trying not to do that thing again. After I got burned by the one lady at the bar. I’m trying not to walk away from all of them.

And I’m struggling to do the same with my little sailing club. Obvi the rear admiral is a douche. He’s in charge of events and shit for another year minimum. Then the other two positions for however else long.

Second, the amount of hoop-jumping to use shit. Third, the hypocrisy, and favoritism. Not sure if those are one or two different things. Okay, two.

So four, now I’m frustrated as hell with the one buddy I’ve kept most in contact with. She was gonna have a couple of us do lessons on her boat. Few hundred each. Reasonable. He kept putting us off b/c he’s been super busy making the most of the rest of the season working. Well, I forgot it was supposed to be last Monday. She got back to me it didn’t happen but was going to happen this week. I forgot again yesterday. She said he had basically ditched us due to conflicts. But she was good b/c she’s been out on her boat every day. Like, what happened to us learning together? What happened to me crewing for her? That’s the problem with relying on someone else for their boat. I’m not gonna ask. Because I don’t want to be a beggar. She knows I want to sail, sail with her, learn, etc... if she wanted me on her boat, she’d say so. And it’s her right not to. Honestly, I suspect she’s getting almost-daily lessons from a different member. For free lol. Just a suspicion. The only way for me to get on people’s boats now is to hang around the club like a day worker or someone without a life. I ain’t got time for that shit. So, why not spend money next season getting my own lessons and work for my own boat. 

I’m sick and tired of being the ugly step child. Asking, begging for scraps. And being expected to be 100% fine, and even grateful for it. It’s like, half my life.

Or, I could give up sailing and go for something less expensive.

Hell, I keep forgetting I have a swim membership.

The cat is freaking me out again. She’s got another lump. And I think she’s 15. And she’s pooping outside the litter box. It could be because it’s not clean enough (I’m thinking I need to switch litter). Or she hates that box. I read that as they get older sometimes they need bigger boxes and/or lower sides. But she could be sick. So I have to find a vet. And the reviews online for the one nearest me. I get nervous. I’ve been worried about her dying since I got her as a kitten. But now it’s getting closer. And I just need a few more years of her being happy and healthy.

I had my appt with the orthodontist this morning. 7:20am. Kept us all waiting over an hour b/c the internet went out. It’s b/c they needed to check our insurance coverages. So I ask how long the appt will last to see how long it will take once I’m in. Basically, I’d need to wait another hour then have an hour-long appt. So, I tried to reschedule. It took me two months get one the first time, and now it’ll take another month to get back in.

So....now I have to find a vet, an orthodontist, and a therapist.

Being a grownup is so fucking hard.

My teeth grinding is hard. I need to clean so bad. I need to get my place clean so I can move the cat so I can call maintenance for my hot water. Before the end of next week.

Boss2 asked me for help again today. Just with her calendar, but I bet it all kills her. I need, need, need to get a new job. A good one. Which means I need to apply more.

But I’m so tired. So fucking tired.

Power drives me nuts. They all do such stupid shit. And Tariq is the worst. 50cent is so good at playing Kanen.

And watching the wire.

I’ve been having strange dreams. Vivid. Whole ass stories. I can’t remember them though. But I feel like they would make good movies or books or something.

Also, some idiot on the internet trying to talk about how a couple of outkast’s songs are rock. What now????

I don’t know why Jamie doesn’t realize the milan dude has every single inch bugged.