#and also to figure out context for stuff ive seen

[waitineedaname]

this may change as I read more (why is it so LONG) but. tgcf just isn't clicking with me the same way the other two series did

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi hi, gendery sex question here.

Me and my partner are afab, and basically despite her efforts, sex hasnt felt like much for me. But I love being the giving partner, and for a while now have thought Id enjoy sex with her if I had a penis. Imagining that sensation instead is exciting. I consider myself nonbinary. Im mostly wondering if your expert opinion thinks my low success at feeling much actual physical pleasure might be caused by feeling alienated from my body in this maybe dysphoric way. Or is there's another reason I should consider why sex with my partner doesnt work great for me. Masturbation goes a little better and I can actually finish, but not great and only upside down and without looking at my body. Generally high drive with low success has been leaving me frustrated. Do I need to think about phalloplasty?? That's kind of A Lot especially since Ive never considered myself transmasc per se.

Also thanks. Your posts and attitude mean a lot to me as someone who had to figure out a lot of shit on my own as a kid and subsequently became the defacto Sex Knower for a lot of friends to go to with questions. Ive seen how much this stuff helps people feel less broken. You're doing amazing. 💚

hi anon,

I certainly can't put a name on your gender identity for you, but what I can tell you is that it's VERY common for people with some kind of dysphoria to feel alienated or distant from sex because the highly intimate nature of sex and the very gendered assumptions still tied to many people's genitalia. many people who have transitioned in some way find that sex becomes MUCH for fun and comfortable afterwards, regardless of whether they have surgery or hormone replacement therapy - sometimes, just being out and perceived differently by partners can be enough.

if you haven't already, it may be helpful to try sex with a strap on. it's much less permanent and expensive than phalloplasty, and can give you a sense of whether you like the sensation of having sex that way. if you enjoy that, you may also want to try out a packer to see whether or not you enjoy the sensation of having a penis outside of a sexual context. no need to commit hard to anything right away; you have all the room in the world to experiment.

I'd also add, gently, that wanting a penis doesn't have to make you transmasculine if that's not how you want to understand it. if we believe that genitals are not gendered, then wanting or having a penis doesn't have to say anything about you except that you want a dick. parts is just parts.

[rosyronkey]

hi! i wrote an essay about rosy ronkey and her clothes, and i hypothesized what time period i think shes from/inspired by ^^ below if you wanna read more :))

ive been fixated (or had a special interest or whatever you want to call it) on rosy ronkey for a YEAR today. i've always been pretty interested in her outfit from an aesthetically pleasing point of view, but recently i wanted to see if i could find any trends and time periods in the inspirations of her clothes, which is what this essay is about! it’s going to be an explanation of most of her clothes, top to bottom, from what i can assume with the research i've done. i say research, but i probably don’t have the best sources? they’ll be linked below, but it was really more cross-referencing than anything else lol

i reached out to annie montgomerie for comment/criticism, but she’s obviously very busy and i enjoyed my research from a subjective point of view :)

basic specs on rosy (no one else but me cares): looking at rosy, the only zoomorphic, or animal looking, aspect of hers is her head. judging by proportions and cross-referencing, she looks to have the body of an american girl doll. this is just what i’ve noticed, but annie’s most recent stuff is way less anthropomorphized compared to rosy and the group she was made with. looking at annie’s most recent exhibit, hand me downs, every single piece is completely animal, with hand-sculpted claws, paws, wings and hooves. some of these dolls legs still look like american girl doll legs, but most everything else is animalistic. this isn’t important, but i just thought id mention it because artists’ growth over time is cool!

starting with her coat, it looks like a double-breasted red childrens’ coat with two rows of two buttons each. these kinds of coats are still available today, but i could find the closest matches by looking at 1920s childrens’ coats, specifically rothschild coats. the rothschild family has a long and complicated history, but all that’s important to know is that they are new york based (which doesn’t totally fit my assumptions about her; in general i assume all of annie montgomerie’s dolls are british because of her nationality) and they’ve been in business for over 100 years. by cross-referencing the growing style of double-breasted coats in the 1920s, and the style of rothschild childrens’ coats in ads from the time, i feel like it’s easy to assume rosy's character has this coat, or at least was very heavily inspired by it.

a theory i’ve seen before is that the ticket on her coat is a luggage label. these were used during WWII to evacuate british children during the blitz. the history press site says luggage labels listed “name, school and evacuation authority,” and is also where i got most of my information. i want to tentatively deny this theory. i'm pretty sure the ticket is an annie montgomerie staple opposed to a part of rosys' character. she's shown with the tag in the yorkshire sculpture park video, and on gerard way’s website, but she’s missing it in all the photos posted by annie montgomerie herself on facebook and instagram. almost every single annie montgomerie piece on display or for sale has a tag as well. i love this theory, and it’s probably what got me interested in researching her outfit in the first place, but i don’t think i could prove it if i tried.

other than the ticket, she has white roses on the left side of her coat and some smaller twigs? sticks? pinned to her collar. white roses symbolize purity, youthfulness, innocence, and in some contexts, respect for the departed. i couldn’t find any historical photos of children with roses in their outfits, but across the board that was the result i got for their meaning. i can’t discern what she has on her right collar for the life of me, if someone else can figure this out, PLEASE tell me

her dress is pink, with a cinched embroidered waist and a peter pan collar. peter pan collars became popular in the 1920s, and have been a staple of childrens’ dresses since (sources for this one were a few blogs and wikipedia, but also some ads, so i feel pretty confident with it.) some ads for girls’ dresses in the 1920s had the same soft pleats and embroidered waist as seen on rosys’ dress. i don’t think there’s a meaning behind the color, except that it compliments the red coat and her fur.

her stockings are standard, I couldn’t find much special meaning behind them, british children have been wearing stockings forever, and for girls especially, stockings became more popular in the 1920s as dresses got shorter. usually they were sheer and nude, and rosys’ look like the gray kind kids wear today, but i think it’s still period appropriate to an extent. her shoes look like red mary janes for american girl dolls, just more scuffed and dirtied. mary jane shoes themselves have been around for a while (called “bar shoes” originally,) but they got their name in 1904. in one of the first drafts for this, i read the fairy tale “the red shoes” to see if it offered any insight. i thought it’d be fun to relate, but it’s just a popular danish fairy tale, and it was hard for me to entertain the idea for long.

TLDR: i think rosy ronkeys outfit is inspired by british 1920s fashion!

that’s all I have! i apologize if this was underwhelming or overwhelming or whatever, i had no model to base this off of and the only tumblr essays i read are from my friends <3 i hope you enjoyed! i love rosy ronkey!

link to my dumbfuck google doc with all the links and braindump on it :)

[steaming-system-takes]

my hottake is many people misinterpret what people mean by "doubles dont exist"

all we are saying is that doubles do not literally exist. we arent telling you that you being uncomfortable isnt valid or whatever, we are simply trying to point out that no two introjects of the same source are the same person or said fictional character, source-separated or not.

as an introject, i and many other introjects in our system used to get uncomfortable around other introjects who shared our source. (I SHOULD MAKE THIS CLEAR THAT IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW I AM TALKING ABOUT IN THE CONTEXT OF BEING IN A PUBLIC CHAT OR SERVER, NOT AN ONLINE MEDIA ACCOUNT! a server vs a tumblr blog for example are different. my issue here is when it comes to discord/other public chatting sites.)

you know what we would do? either leave because it is our responsibility or we toughen through it and remember that person is literally a different person from us. im trying hard not to come off mean or invalidating but im really bad at wording

you're an introject on a tumblr blog and people sharing the same source as you make you uncomfortable? valid. blocking is a thing. just dont say anything and block. if someone is invading ur DNI on purpose thats on them. just block and thats it.

you're an introject talking in a system server/chat and someone else happens to have the same source as you? excuse yourself from the chat for the time being or ignore that person.

please do NOT go up to someone and call them a "double". i am not you. you are not me. we are not fictional characters. do not go around calling people " doubles". i could go up to you and say the same thing.(i wouldn't obviously bc i hate that word and it's rude i just mean that i LITERALLY could and it would be the same thing you hypothetically did) i am not a clone of you. (not saying everyone uncomfortable with "" doubles"" does this i just see it happen a lot.)

obviously, also respect when someone says "doubles dni". i just don't.. like it being called doubles bc its kind of dehumanizing and isn't. real in how the term means. it doesnt work for DID/OSDD.

we got over the double thing, and thank god we did, because all it literally did was fuel our DELUSIONS WE EXPERIENCE and PARANOIA from believing it. it also made us have internalized ableism towards other systems for a while. (again not saying everyone who has this as a discomfort is like this, just that it wasnt very healthy for us and ive seen a lot of people where it isnt healthy for them or the people around them either.. ive seen people literally yell at others over their identity??? can we please stop normalizing the double mentality thingie. introjects are NOT THEIR SOURCE or all the same person..)

we've had our unreasonable and finnicky triggers. hell we used to have a trigger for FUCKING APPLES. (long story.) and eventually you have to learn how to get over them. sorry that sounds really rude but i wish people would stop this!! calling people "doubles" is so fucking hurtful like yeah you are allowed to be uncomfortable but please dont spread the doubles thing or yell at people. you dont do that stuff and you just block or ignore and move on? cool. you are a cool person. stay cool

god i really hope this made sense. im the worst at wording.

im paranoid people read my messages wrong so heres now a list of clarifications;

>i believe alters are allowed to NOT source separate if they dont want to separate. as long as it isnt hurting them. even then thats for them and their own system to figure it out, and source separation shouldnt be forced.

>im not forcing people to INSTANTLY get over their discomforts and triggers. it takes time. i know. im just asking *some* people to change the way they view things or at least treat it differently (ie stop using "double" and use a different term or wtvr for it, be more responsible abt it etc) and strive to get better about it. i hope that made sense. im not trying to belittle people i genuinely just dont know how my tone is coming off and im paranoid im coming off rude/gen

>yes some of us still get uncomfortable around source-sharing people. it used to be really bad when we were younger but it's gotten better. yes we do experience different kinds of delusions and have severe paranoia and im aware those can be part of why source-sharing people can be triggering to some. this post is only talking about the people who INSIST on calling PEOPLE "doubles" or instead of being responsible for their own stuff and just blocking or ignoring these people will yell at random people. it does not happen a lot but it does happen. this is a post against that, not people who are merely uncomfortable and/or just block/leave without saying anything. if you are just uncomfortable and block or wtvr again UR COOL ur cool /gen

>and honestly im just asking people stop saying "double"... use "source sharing person" or smth else instead 😭😭 the word double is strange and dehumanizing

sorry this was so long.

/lh

^

we genuinely love getting these long and thought out takes, its nice being able to see someones full opinion on something and why they feel the way they do

[aropride]

thinking about therapy again bc i knowww i need to be in it. but i think one of my inarguable needs in a therapist is that they see me as an equal? i guess is the best way to put it. and thats not really something you can Ask it's more of a vibes based thing. but like. i hate playing stupid with doctors psychiatrists therapists etc i want to be like This is what im experiencing These are the resources ive looked into This is what i think is going on. where do we go from here. and like i know a fair amount about psychology and i dont want to have to pretend i dont. or for them to assume i dont. and like id look into peer support and stuff but i feel like thats more short term and less intensive than id need to unpack my childhood stuff. Oh i completely forgot to post and also finish typing this. anyway idk like what are even the chances of finding a provider in my area, who takes my insurance and is willing to work with me abt the copay, whose main modality isnt cbt, whos experienced in cptsd/dissociative disorders, and also who i click with as a person. idk. it feels completely hopeless lol and i know its not but like. maybe im fine rn like maybe i dont even need therapy really (least fine guy youve ever met voice)

but the other problem is i also need like, a social worker who isnt school-related and extremely overworked (god bless her tho omg) bc i need a lot of help getting like, case management and applying for disability etc. and just normal therapy isnt gonna help me when i also need those things. but i feel like most long term therapists arent also social workers and vice versa

and i dont even know what modality would be helpful for me. i know dbt WAS when i was younger, but now i know like. the basics, ive learned the coping skills etc. so idk if it would still be helpful? and i know like, somatic focused therapy or whatever would probably be helpful, because actually understanding what my body was doing and why and how that effects my mental health has been really helpful in the past. but also i feel like a lot of somatic therapists are... whats a nice way to say this. like a lot of the ppl ive seen either on like psychologytoday etc or on instagram reels are. the type of guy to buy dreamcatchers on shein and use cherrypicked parts of other cultures without understanding their cultural context. and, like, try to cure my dissociative disorder with reiki or something. Sorry im thinking abt the therapist i had in early 2020 now

idk i just dont really know what to look into even. bc ive heard good stuff from a friend abt emdr but im skeptical of emdr like, casually. like i havent tried it and i dont know a huge amount about it, but on the surface it kinda sounds like bullshit- yeah just look between these lights and think about stuff and thatll fix you. but i also understand how repetitive movement can be calming (#autism) and it makes sense that being exposed to those memories and also in a safe place would be helpful? and i like that u dont have to talk abt the traumas in depth out loud. but i also feel like thats more for single-event traumas or at least trauma that u like, remember

and i feel like being able to talk out loud abt stuff would help me. like having another person to bounce my thoughts off of whos not like. a friend. and is able to deal w that kind of thing. and is also paid to do so. And can also help me like. recognize when im being insane. but also Wont assume im being insane and that all my thoughts are fucking cognitive distortions

idk its just exhausting trying to figure out What i even want from therapy other than to Feel Better and stop losing entire months of my life sometimes and to be able to like. make phone calls and talk to people and not feel evil and insane all the time. and to be able to live away from my parents and have a life, whether that involves Employment or not. one of my short-term goals in therapy w a long term therapist would explicitly be to decide my long term goals and how i'll know i met them. bc i think talking abt the therapeutic relationship w my therapist up front is something that would benefit me. due to the avoidance.

idk. wgat everrrr.

[dippable]

i think it's time to yap about urbanSPOOK, story writing, and the practice of shock horror. let's talk shop. obviously, if you may be sensitive to topics such as sexual assault (including CSA) (and on animals) (and by animals, on people) and murder/similar themes, then please be warned i will be talking about these subjects in detail, in the context of the story itself.

alright, now that ive got that out of the way, let's talk shop. first, i'll talk about the writing of the story itself, then the use of shock horror. capisce? capisce.

so, the story. what's the plot of the series, and how well is it developed?

well.... not too well. we don't know where it's set, and we don't know how far apart these murders are. weeks? i hope the hell not, since the speed and brutality of the murders (which we will get to don't you worry) is practically impossible. are they out here killing people every single day? how are they not seen by someone? caught by cameras (which, by the way, weren't common for streets until the 90's- after VHS tapes fell out of fashion.) and, most of all, how are multiple (MULTIPLE!!!) cops getting killed by them and not one person knows what to do? why is nobody fighting back? namely, the cops- who are likely to have a firearm on their person. it's just a shoddily put together story that likes to seem super edgy and stuff, but there's no substance to it, like the cloth mother. it's nasty, but there's no real method to the madness so to speak- the killers are just running around hurting/killing randoms.

well, the story kinda sucks. how about the way it's presented, and how the author talks about sensitive things? (also sucks)

okay. i don't wanna beat around the bush here: the author is TERRIBLE at talking about these kinds of topics with any kind of substance to it. it's just nasty and gross for the sake of being nasty and gross, okay? once you figure out the plot beats and the usual style of the paintings, it all loses its luster and just seems to be in the same vein as teenagers on creepypasta forums putting together the most terrifying and scary things they can think of (while having little to no real writing skills) just to ick people out. this is why the creator puts SA of so many kinds in these videos, since it's the worst crime a lot of people can think of, even being worse than death in some eyes. i don't know how to say this without seeming tactless, but here goes: a story without connecting factors isn't a story, it's a heap of information that needs to be put together by the reader. and hey, this is completely okay too! this means the readers can discuss their thoughts. however, if the motives of the murderers are unknown or just amhiguous, it's loads harder to figure out whats even going on. why did this person skin a cat? why was this man stabbed more than four hundred times? (real actual number from the series btw) why were these twins... well you get the point. there's nothing in common between any of them, ever. it's just scary paintings tied together by very thin (and i mean VERY thin) strings that are supposed to mean an "overarching story" or whatever.

i haven't even SPOKEN about how unbelievable this story is, either. penicillin is a substance that needs a prescription for use, but it was found all over this crime scene (same with viagra). the VHS tapes don't look like VHS. there are so many plotholes it feels like i'm looking at someone's pores up close, but whatever. i've said what i needed to say.

if you like urbanSPOOK, i really don't wanna hear it on this post, okay? i don't wanna hear how a story exploiting shock horror is the new shakespeare, okay? watch the tangi virus or something, and learn about immersion in the world of the story.

[mcytshippystuff]

Grian/Jimmy ship name

This is my petition to make their ship name officially Solidrian!

They are a niche ship but as more people get more familiar with them, specially after limited life, the ship is gonna get more popular. Rn I'm mostly seeing it context of Poly Bad Boys but while I often see Gribeans (Grian/Joel), Smallidairty (Joel and Jimmy), and sometimes mentioned as Smallidarian (Joel/Jimmy/Grian, also known as Poly Bad Boys or BadBoyFriends, which has other stuff in the tag with actual bad boyfriends and abuse so I wouldn't use it) tagged in posts as well, I never see Grian/Jimmy tagged in. This is mostly becuase its a rareship and we haven't really??? figured out a common ship name for them, only recently having a uptick in shippers, and also iv noticed most people tend to lean more towards a brotherly relationship, which is very valid! And sometimes in Poly Bad Boys, people do actually have both Grian and Jimmy dating Joel but not each other, which is also very valid, and is another reason why its not tagged. 

But if your like me who slowly started seeing a different opportunity shipping wise and want them to make out or maybe you only just recently were introduced to them and fell for their dynamics without real knowledge of their past interactions and want them to make out; I think its really time to find a proper shipping tag so not only can people who want to indulge in the ship can find it, but also so those who not want to see it can block it out!

And now, I hear you say, but why Solidrian? Well first Grimmy and Grimy which iv seen suggested once or twice has a solid argument by other people; Its tag is already used by others! I think there's a famous person who goes by Grimmy and also just its a common thing. Second is Solidaritian, which iv seen offered once or twice, which I think has potential but its just a bit clunky and long. And Tian or Sian is neat but they’re just names and/or just too short lol. Griandarity is fine but tbh I try and avoid names that contain the whole name of the person? That's just me but I just dont like it. Plus its also a bit clunky.

Hence, Solidrian. Its easy to say, has a nice ring to it, isn't too long or too short, and as far as I'm aware the tag is EMPTY! And that is why, overall, I think this should be the new common ship tag name. Let me know your thoughts and if you hate/love it. If you ship this, please use the name! Tag it with #solidrian and if you know someone who ships it but doesn't know/have a name idea, ask them to use it! 

Thank you for your consideration, I look forward to hopefully seeing works and art and posts in the #solidrian tag and getting my sweet sweet Grian/Jimmy shipping fix. 

And as always, if you dont like this ship, please either ignore or block and MOVE ON. Your ship is not my ship and that's okay! If I see dynamics differently, that's for me to decide. You will be blocked if you try to start arguments about the ship not being okay or “wrong” becuase your perceived notions of their dynamic. And if you get on my case for shipping at all- Bruhhh I'm not in the main tags dont complain if you came looking for it. 

[wenellyb]

oh yeah the Ryan stuff is,,, hm pretty awful. idk I remember Oliver stopped following him on instagram for a while, there were rumours that they didn't get on and tbh I wouldn't be surprised if they took a step back from each other at that point (could be wrong but I think it was like a year) - kinda ruined some of the character a bit for me but generally most of the fandom seems to have 'moved on from it' (I'm not judging ppl either way bc I dont feel like it's my place). idk I dont like to be one of those people who spreads shit about actors regardless of what they did but yeah. it was pretty bad. I think most ppl in the fandom figured it had 'blown over' (ie, he'd apologised to other cast members etc) by Aisha's wedding since they were all in photos together. always sucks when someone is so openly racist tho. - feel free not to respond to this, I can see why people wouldn't want this stuff on their blogs but yeah generally this is common knowledge in the fandom from what ive seen also pls excuse poor word choice since im essentially repeating what ive seen said about what happened so some of these phrases don't necessarily reflect what I think about what he did

Hi Anon!!! Thank you for providing context, arriving in a fandom later means not knowing what has happened before. The Ryan Guzman thing is really awful especially since most people seem to have "moved on"....

His wife saying racial slurs is one thing but then him doubling down and excusing that behavior is disgusting...

Thank you again for sending me this and explaining what happened. I see no problem with your choice of words and I understand what you mean.

I get you not wanting to spead stuff about actors because some people don't understand the difference between calling out problematic behavior and cyberbullying... I wouldn't want to contribute to the latter either.

That being said, I'm still dsitrustful of that man, he didnt seem remorseful in that article I reblogged. So if he did apologize he must have done it because of the backash not because he believed it...You see, since he has so many Black friends, he should be allowed to use racial slurs.

[puhpandas]

plural anon from earlier figured id offer some info since you mentioned wanting to learn! obvious preface that im not an expert and this is just from my experience and what ive learned from others :) everyones experiences vary and im definitely not the be all end all lol

also this may get long, its a bit of an infodump! ^^;

i figured first id explain some of the stuff i said. i refer to myself as ���plural” mostly, and said “plural system” as system is more often used from what ive seen, and plural offers more context to me. its honestly up to the person what they want to be referred to with. plural, plural system, plural person, just system, a collective, a group, there are probably more but those are the main ones i can think of!

also i should probably clarify, i said “pseudo-plurality” referring to the in-universe rab and vanny, as it isnt really confirmed whether that is an act put on by glitchtrap/will/mimic, or vanessa, or something, or if its actually a separate person. (i like to think of them as headmates/alters, but given that they are villains some folks dont want to which is also fair! it was very common to use the “evil alter” trope in horror so it can definitely put people on edge and rub them the wrong way. i like to explore and see this concept explored, but obviously with the headmates being actual people, not just boiled down to “ooo evil alter” for scare factor. i read a fic once where vanny was formed as a response to williams invasion and manipulation to protect vanessa, which is way more interesting to me than the evil alter trope!)

also, i should warn with the previous paragraph, if you do ever explore the idea of rab or vanny being opposition to gregory and vanessa, some people might get upset even if you are doing it well. unfortunately its the internet and theres a lot of bad rep out there and a lot of mean people. im sure you know the drill tho.

more general thing, some systems prefer to say headmates, some prefer alters, some prefer other words, some just refer to them as their friends or as the others. its dependent on the person! and the “main” person is called the host usually, or the core, typically the core ive seen used for systems who consider themselves to be “facets” of that core. my underdtanding of facets is that theyre more like branches off the host, rather than fully separate (ive seen some people use “admin” or other similar words too tho lol). the host is often said to be the “original” person, in the case of gregory and vanessa, those two would be the hosts, and rab and vanny would be alters/headmates/etc. but hosts dont HAVE to be the original person, it can change. i dont know the exacts of what makes a host a host, but from my understanding its basically a role someone has. and not every system uses roles or falls into them, for example id argue that the daycare attendant has “roles” in their system (moon takes care of naptime, sun takes care of playtime) but lacks an actual designated host, possibly because they dont really feel a need for one and just work(ed) as a unit.

on the topic of the daycare attendant, some plural folk will use a collective name or a “singletsona” (singlet just referring to a nonplural individual) of sorts. the daycare attendant has a collective name, which is, yk, “the daycare attendant” as it can refer to any/all of them. and rab sort of used gregory as a singletsona as opposed to telling his friends hes rab (sort of. he did use it as a pen name). in the same vein, there are also global pronouns, first person pronouns, and collective pronouns (these are the best ways i can simplify them lol).

global pronouns - for us anyways - are pronouns everybody can be referred to with. for us, our main global pronoun is it/its.

first person pronouns is just, how the person talks when referring to themself/themselves. i/me, us/we, and a mix of both. some systems only use plural first person pronouns when referring to the system/multiple folks in the system, some just always use we/us, some use i/me regardless, as usually it depends on the system and some stuff i havent even gone into. and for collective pronouns, its similar to the global pronoun thing, except its just the system as one entity’s pronouns. often it is the plural or singular they/them, we personally like plural and singular it/its for our system. its kinda like the bodys pronouns, which is why it can be singular to me. i hope thst made sense!

oh before i cut myself off i should probably mention switching. i dont switch out really so i cant provide much here but some systems experience amnesia/time loss/etc, some dont, but like i said i cant give you much because i dont switch out. im sure someone else can help with that ^^;

this ask is already very very long, so i wont go into other stuff like monoconscious, polyconscious, co-conscious, co-fronting, being frontstuck, sticky front, headspace/inner world, system origins(which will inevitably include system discourse thing unfortunately), headmate sources, source memories, introjects…… theres a Lot and i dont think i would even have enough characters to send an ask with everything i know

i hope this wasnt way overdoing it, i learned a lot from prior to and after i learned i was plural because i enjoy researching topics like this, and sharing the information i know is fun!

also you said you werent feeling well, hope you feel better soon!

thank you for the info anon! it helped a lot to understand more and was very insightful! I appreciate all you put into this!!

[angelfevr]

❤️️❤️️❤️️ :3

i have multiple wips so i'll talk abt All of them

this may get long, so.

icdwd - aka i couldn't dance with death if i tried!! its a zero escape fic mostly exploring a potential (loveless) relationship between akane and mira. its abt a lot of things i realize i never rlly touched upon in my other works?? for context im aromantic and i like. Constantly talk abt it even to my allo friends esp abt the constant amatonormativity the world likes to throw at us. specfically how ppl feel pressured to be in a relationship. why? well, various reasons: to fit in, to be seen as "more mature" (aspecs tend to experience infantilization and this doubles if ur autistic), to be seen as human, bc u feel like itll make u whole, bc u dont realize theres another option!! ive always hced my favs as aro ever since i realized it, but i always used to focus on the ace part of my identity. so i never rlly got to write a fic that explores aromanticism, aside from a fic i wrote four years ago in which leorio and kurapika hxh r in a qpr

another thing is i have ocd and for that reason, i dont like to write abt sexual topics . but in this fic, ive been sorta delving into that (its literally nothing just a fade to black that immediately goes to like the character waking up in another character's bedroom) and idk i think it shows my growth in a way?? that im willing to finally write that stuff without my ocd trying to kill me??? idk its . smth

im also having a Lot of fun writing akane and miras dynamic. i think, with me hcing them as aro (akanes aroace and miras an aro lesbian), i feel itd stand out more compared to other mirakane fanworks and interpretations . like this isnt a relationship ur supposed to root for!!! its abusive, its messy, its Uncomfortable, gory, and both women have ulterior motives. idk i like writing abt two unabashedly flawed queer women and having them navigate a relationship when one has no experience while the other has experience but whose disability prevents them from connecting w others (akane has a similar struggle), idk!! its an interesting dynamic

queerpei - i like a lot of the descriptions i wrote. im so used to writing akane that its soooo weird writing in the headspace of anyone else. but junpeis introspection is fun, like he has a mind of his own... i have this experience when writing akane (im plural so. go figure) and even when writing diana

angelus custos - so im kinda in the planning stage for this one but . Wow. im so proud of myself and how far ive come with this project, and just in general?? i used to primarily be a fic writer until 2018, when i decided to dabble in making my own characters. its always been bittersweet, bc my friends (all artists, never writers) would tell me to just make ocs instead of fanfic and my 12-14 yr old self would always be upset by that. so my characters never rlly came into their own so to speak

until This Year. ive been watching this rlly awesome youtuber named local script man. he's a screenwriter but a lot of his advice can apply to writing as well. i dont remember which video it was, but he talked abt how a characters' motivations can serve as fuel for smth deeper, like an insecurity for example. which THEN can serve as a backstory. and idky but it all clicked in my head?? character work became so much easier when i applied this to my process. i no longer had trouble w coming up w things that seemed to come naturally to most. bc i Know im good at fleshing out characters, i just needed to know how to do it for original work, even tho ive had friends praise my characters in the past

but yeah thats prob the best part of the story rn . im still having trouble w what their voices would sound like, speech patterns and the like, but thatd prob come around when i actually write the damn thing lol

BtSoyT - the idea itself has me so excited!!! ive been watching some horror movies, specifically recs from my friend @zebatverse hehe, and idk i feel like ive been getting more inspo and knowing what i'd wanna do if i were to write horror . i have several other ideas besides this in my notebook but this is one i wanna write the most. i even made a moodboard for it ^_^

[tainted-sweet-meats]

How do you make a weibo acc? Ive always wanted too but it seems hard without a chinese phone number OTL

This is gonna be a long reply but I hope it helps and I appreciate you asking me a question too ♥️

Oh so I do know some Chinese enough to buy food, talk to old folks if I need help in said grocery store( they can tell I'm trying very hard lol) and not talk too informally to them like I do with family my age ( aka slang), and also read some CN on my personal time. So it helped me set up an account ;w;/ to translate some with both reading and context clues. Weibo allows everyone to sign up even US folks and non CN folks who are not from the US. There is a US option to plug in a US number. Try signing up via the PC! Gtranslate may be able to help some. I signed up with the phone app cause of all the extensions I have on my browser it just wouldn't allow me to on the PC. However the phone option you are definitely gonna have to know some CN to make an account. Now I know so many will say don't use google translate but I do feel for those who do not have even the bare minimum of CN I have. I would suggest using it to sign up. It's a free tool. And free tools are meant to be used :D hell I have friends who use it to talk to me and I don't get huffy about it personally I can tell they are trying. but with people you don't know, you shouldn't google translate to reply to folks. Cause tone is very important too. But to read for yourself and get a better understanding of weibo as a site. I will say I just tried it on my end now that I have an account and I personally can tell some of the translation is mildly off but not horribly so. I feel with context clues you will be able to put 2 and 2 together and figure stuff out. You can also look at the text and look up word by word and put the sentences together to learn on your own to. However, I would look into learning some CN to talk to folks on there to at least show appreciation both to other's art and to accept compliments in replies. here are some apps I use to keep my brain up to date with my culture's language: Hello chinese app Memrise all found on the google play and apple store ♥️ I also have a setting on my keyboard for both english and pinyin! this will push you learn more as well. I hope it helps and if you have any questions feel free to ask me I'm more than happy to help. Gon head and explore weibo the news on there is interesting and insightful and the art community is lovely. P.S the site is Hashtag heavy thats how you get seen on there. P.S.S if you speak both english and chinese on weibo many will talk to you in both trying to practice english its truley a Win Win.

[sincerely-sofie]

hello! i apologize for adding to the list of religion related asks in your inbox and, as this is another form of criticism you can ignore it, im mostly an enjoyer of your work and ive merely found a discrepancy.

i just think its important to point out that the people you end up surrounding yourself with and the people that a community deems to be one of their own, IF this is your experience which i am not Assuming but rather Pointing To as a debate starter of sorts, is not in fact the group at large.

its factual that many, Many people have been abused by the church, inside and ouside of it, by many people and in many ways, and the number of people harassed by christians, especially ones in positions of power in churches but also the commonfolk, is incredibly high. much higher than it would be if it were just a vocal minority, because then its doubtful that it would be so widespread, but especially that it would be so Personal, crimes done to people by people in particular they thought they could trust.

i am not telling you to disbelieve yourself or that there are hidden horrors in your community, but trying to bring a possible unawareness to light. if this is unwarranted or undesired and you dont wish to make any public response you can delete this ask, absolutely 0 hard feelings i wont say anything else.

love your work, have a nice day, bring more joy into the universe as you try to

Hey, thanks for this ask! Discrepancies and blind spots are a difficult thing for people to rid themselves of alone, so your reaching out to help with something you were worried about is appreciated. This is all a fair bit stressful and new for me— I've never really talked about my faith before now— but once again, I figured a public response is better than the alternative. Thanks for saying you enjoy my work. I appreciate your well wishes. And your English is absolutely wonderful, don't worry about it!

For context, I've previously said that the vast majority of Christians are loving people and that there's an unfortunate vocal minority of cruel individuals. First off: people absolutely have suffered abuse at the hands of Christians, especially Christians in positions of authority, and their suffering should never be diminished or dismissed. My church takes a pretty intense stance on abuse— anyone who misuses their influence over someone is going to answer to God for it, church leaders are to report any abuse they learn of to the proper authorities and help protect against future abuse, and the general membership are expected to do everything we can to prevent abuse and to defend and help the victims. 

I'm of the opinion that Christianity (or at least my specific denomination— I'm not educated enough to speak with authority on the state of each individual branch of Christianity, and I think that some churches are, to put it lightly, more prone to hateful behavior than others) is largely populated by kind and loving people. Again, that isn't to diminish the experiences of those who have suffered abuse— they've gone through horrible things that truly happened and shouldn't be brushed aside. My belief in abuse being done by a minority is mainly rooted in the vastness of the Christian population and my belief that people have an inherent goodness rooted in them. 

Pulling from some statistics I found on Google (which may be inaccurate, so don't quote me on this!), there are about 2.3 billion Christians out of the 8 billion people in the world. For a majority of Christians to be cruel and abusive, I would need to believe (forgive my bad math here, I'm not the best with this stuff) that at least 1 person out of every 8 people I meet is cruel and abusive. I don't think that's how the world works, and haven't seen any research to change my mind, so I don't believe that. 

What I do believe is that people who want to hurt people will find ways to hurt people, especially when they can find ways to excuse their injustice with religion, being a senior member of a family, or similar garbage— and that with such a great population of the world being Christian, you'll hear a lot of instances of abuse being done by Christians. Like I said previously— certain denominations are prone to abusive behavior. This is absolutely undeniable. But my lived experience as well as personal research has indicated to me that they and the individual bad actors don't make up the majority of Christians, even if they make the most appearances on the news. 

Thanks again for the ask and your concern. This is my personal understanding of things, and if you disagree, you're fully in your rights to! I've definitely skimmed over things here— no person is 100% good or 100% evil, and my efforts to be brief definitely haven't helped the subtlety that needs to go into discussions of morality in groups. But I wanted to explain my perspective. It really comes down to the math of things for me. I don't think that even 1 in 10 people is remotely unkind, let alone over 1 in 8 being willing to abuse others. I hope that I've made myself clear in a polite way— it's hard to have these kinds of discussions in writing! I've tried my best though, and I hope it comes across in this.

[sergeifyodorov]

Connor for the send me a character ask 👀

FIRST IMPRESSION

Have to preface this with the fact that I was really into baseball six or seven years ago when mcdavo was winning art ross number like. One or two. This was about 2016 or 2017 and i had the thescore app and I was looking at their simple ranked stats because i was bored, and instead of staring at the baseball ones over and over again I poked around on the other sports. I was not yet a leafs fan (born and raised in toronto so like, you support the leafs, but i wasn’t what i am now) and i looked at the points rankings and there was this annoying little orange background man in first. He had a nice 100 points and nobody else had that. And I was annoyed because I didn’t like that this Edmontonian fucker was doing better than anyone else. In retrospect it is very funny that my Oilers Hate Campaign is older than my actual hockey fandom.

IMPRESSION NOW

I have a lot of thoughts about Connor. I strongly disagree with the boring-sayers. He is not boring; he’s stiff and bland on camera out of both intention and The Tism and clearly has a lot actually going on once the panopticon is looking away (oxymoron statement but u know). Obviously he’s best in the world type whatever beat but thats like. The least interesting thing abt him. Dude is SO haunted it’s like you took a good portion of the sort of hockey curse an entire team typically develops and then dropped it right on his head like some sort of cartoon piano. But he is blissfully oblivious to the genre and is tragically determined to power through. 

I think he’s kind of spineless ultimately and this is what makes him say such vanilla things and let himself get so thoroughly and obviously managed by lk1 and stuff. but also that he is very single-minded and knows what he wants and is unafraid to pursue that at the cost of neglecting everything else in his life. Which is a pretty self-destructive habit when you have curses and whatnot but again, completely unaware of that, so he’s just barreling head-on towards the void, head down skates pumping

His edges are decent but he’s a speed skater by trade far more than a figure skater… jason brown could win 5 art rosses but connor mcdavid could NEVER do riverdance!!!

Completely unrelated to my thoughts on connor at all but the endless font of ohl bodies and the churning mill of eteri girls. It’s the same it’s all the same

FAVOURITE MOMENT

don’t say mccheatgate it’s not worth it--

In all honesty. Either Connor mc lukewarm gay rights statement, the adorable little standbyme video at the draft where it’s him n mitch and dylan and none of them can really sing and they’re all so obviously terrified but trying to cheer each other up bad, or that one ad where they’ve dolled him up and made him act. And he’s like beach chair lounging in the middle of the ice and stuff

IDEA FOR STORY

i think the most ideal thing narratively to happen to davo is Catastrophe. like we all know he has this very rigid and unquestioned worldview because he has never bothered to really look outside what the nhl straighttrack/lauren kyle has planned for him it’s most compelling to just. completely upend that

mccareer changing injury is a good one but ive already seen that one said. i do have this scrap of 9734 floating around thats like. leon gets fridged and he cant live with oilerhood after that so he goes the 1 other place he can stomach himself being (torono) and then falls in deeply toxic-homoerotic-codependency love with am34. and obviously is forced to reconsider his entire worldview about the ticking clock and the impermanency of life and grief and curses and haunting because damn leo you’re supposed to be dead why do i keep seeing u everywhere etc. it is important for my NARRATIVES that mcdavid is widowed and/or divorced

UNPOPULAR OPINION

i realize this one in context to the last sentence makes it look like i hate drai. I do not hate drai drai is the best oiler and his only competition is nuge. That being said.

I had a friend (knows nothing about hockey) and she thinks that connor is hotter than draisaitl. And like. I don’t completely agree. But i mostly do agree. very shallow of me yes i know but davo is CUTE and his cringefail ghost swag is kinda HOT and the long hair/mcjesus flow was SEXY

FAV RELATIONSHIP

bobby orr is a family friend and he knows wayne gretzky quite well because of oilersness and stuff. so im going to say his relationship with All That Came Before is my favourite

2997 close second tho. Get more divorced

FAV HEADCANON

the tism is kind of verging on the nebulously canon but like. Im not going to formally diagnose a man i dont know and enjoy sexualising on the internet so it’s getting put in here

[savethepinecones]

1, 16, 20, 25! + any one of your choosing

1: what is your nickname?

i dont have any based on my name since its already v short but ive had internet folks call me pinecones or piney and i like those!

16: what do you think makes you attractive?

i think physically my eyes are my best feature but if were talking personality uhh i guess ive got a solid sense of humor?

20: whats a totally random and useless fact that you know?

every piece of knowledge ive ever had just abandoned me lol. if you feel like youre going to sneeze you can stop it by touching the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth a few times, like if you were saying la la la (i think i was told youre supposed to say "pineapple" but its the tongue thing thats the actually effective part)

25: do you/have you played any sports?

oh man. i did gymnastics for a bit when i was like four. tried ballet when i was seven but eventually decided to pursue piano instead (my mom had my sister and i try both for a year and then pick one to stick with). i also was on a soccer team at some point, maybe in first grade? i actually dont remember it at all but i vaguely remember looking at the team photos. also i remember the high socks lol. and then i briefly did softball in middle school because my childhood best friend had picked it up the year before and i wanted to fit in. im very asthmatic though so most if not all of these Did Not Go Well lol

and for the bonus one ill go with 19: a time that you told a lie

first off some important context for this is that i was raised mormon and every summer the church would have all the girls ages 13-17 go camping for like a week. they do hikes and crafts and devotionals etc. i think its all standard church camp type stuff.

so the first year i went they had the younger girls go on a short hike while the older ones went on a longer one. when we got back, a couple friends and i were curious about the longer hike so we decided to check the trail out during free time. we kept walking for quite a while. idk how long it was but we knew wed been gone long enough that people would have noticed we were missing. if i had to guess id say maybe an hour or so idk. anyway we got to a point where the path started to trail off and disappear so we decided to stop for a bit and then work our way back. we were in a pretty big meadow but there were some trees partway down a hill and one of my friends went down there to pee and carved some initials on a tree. i think she said she carved something for me and my crush at the time but i never saw it lol.

anyway eventually we started to head back and at some point we realized we were probably gonna get in trouble for disappearing. i was really worried about it but one of the girls was like "no dont worry about it ill take the blame" and suggested that we tell everyone that she had seen a deer and followed it and then the other girl and i went after her because we didnt want her to get lost in the woods alone.

about halfway back to camp we started hearing people calling our names. we kinda figured there might be some people looking for us but what we werent expecting was that they were men. remember, this is Girls Camp. usually the bishop would show up for a day or two but other than there werent any guys up there. turned out the bishop showed up while we were gone and some other guys whod driven up with him to drop off some food offered to help him look for us.

eventually the search party found us and we all stuck to our story when they asked us what had happened. i think we also said that initially wed been lost and really scared but then we said a prayer and just like that we found a path! and thats why they found us on a trail even though wed supposedly run off into the woods at random. it was very dramatic and spiritual. and also complete bullshit.

so we finally get back to camp and the leaders are all fretting over us. the girl who "followed the deer" did get a lecture about not chasing wild animals because they could be dangerous but that was about it. no big repurcussions.

that night we had a devotional, which is basically just the whole group sitting around the campfire and telling stories about when they felt the holy spirit or whatever. usually the leaders will start off by reading some scriptures or a talk from some church official and then theyll turn it over to the kids to talk about their experiences. in the middle of this, a deer wandered into the clearing near our camp. some of the girls pointed it out because cool, a deer. but the moment the three of us saw it, my friend who had supposedly followed a deer into the woods earlier that same day jumped up and shouted "thats the deer!"

for some reason everyone, including the adults, took it at face value that this random deer in the woods must be the exact same one wed supposedly seen earlier that day and also that it was some sort of sign that god had been looking out for us while we were "lost"

looking back on it now it doesnt really seem like a big lie but it felt like a huge deal at the time because we lied to The Bishop. for a long time i considered this to be the worst thing id ever done. we never came clean to anyone whod been there at the time and i dont think i even told my mom the real story until like a decade later lol

that story ended up being way longer than i thought it would be lol (ive told it before but never written the whole thing out so the word count is surprising) but its probably the most exciting lie ive got. the alternative stories are mostly like "i was super depressed but didnt think that would be considered a valid reason to bail on something so i said i had a migraine" so i think it was the best option despite the length. also its been a while since i thought about this and it made me nostalgic so yay

thanks for asking!! i had a lot of fun answering these (you can tell by how long this post ended up being lol)

[maxdark158]

Making my own rottmnt timeline (that includes lost episodes) and i think I'm going to start making vent posts instead of finding new friends to harass with my problems until they're exhausted/hj

So far I've put the episodes in a tenuous order. Because they aired out of order (evidence: hypno part deux happens at the same time as repo mantis but airs well after repo mantis AND the appearance of the turtle tank, also the first episode to show hueso is the fast and furriest, NOT the episode they meet him) I've had to basically just. Use context clues to the best of my ability and a lot of pain, suffering, and some tears. Now I'm going to try and make a timeline based on. Ya know. Time. As much as I can anyway with the like 4 dates the series provides

Below the cut is copy pasted woes I've sent to a friend

(These messages are sent to a friend over 24 hours of agony)

Fml btw

I'm trying to figure out a timeline for rottmnt

It is n ot easy

Also... I think I'm going to make my life even more hellish and include the lost episodes

I do actually have a pretty great source for those luckily!

https://turtlepedia.fandom.com/wiki/User_blog:Archer.Warrior/The_Lost_ROTTMNT_Episodes

There's a number of episodes that have nothing besides their episode name, some of which one of the creators said could be fake episide names. It's mentioned in this post

https://www.tumblr.com/yujateaandpi/704460357578670080/our-happygirl500-fan-so-ive-been-digging?source=share

these are all the episodes that have NO released stuff besides the episode name. not a description, not any concepts, nothing. some of them i do think are real (april showers and mayhem flowers) but some of them. no idea tbh

the post discusses 2 that person thinks are real based on context clues but yeah idk how many of these ill include in my timeline given i have NOTHING to go off of 😭

April showers mayhem flowers I think is to address mayhem leaving

Maybe splash hogs is something to do with the shell hogs or meat sweats?

In the og battle nexus NY, big mama and shredder were supposed to fall down to the hidden city, her hotel completely crashing down through NY. Maybe spiders web widens was supposed to be them helping big mama, or trying to, something referenced in the aired version of the episode when splinter tried to help her?

Friend: I think that could be likely. Read something awhile a back stating that, season 2 was gonna be more focused on big mama as the villain n so on and that.. would've really fit

Yepp. Cause the funny thing is that battle nexus NY was supposed to happen MID SEASON

And after that, they're basically trying to find her and the shredder cause they both booked it, racing against the foot to do so

Also something I realized since I'm obsessing over rottmnt atm:

It's Mrs. Cuddles

Who the FUCK is she married to??

-later-

I can feel my brain deteriorating

So fast and the furriest, newsworthy, and mascot melee, HAVE to occur before Bug Busters in the timeline. That also means hypno part deux and repo HAVE to occur before then, as well as donnie's gifts and newsworthy. Mascot Melee is the latest to occur in that bunch, because it's the only one post turtle tank debut. The rest are either the debut episode or don't have any turtle tank

So far so good, right?

Thing is timeline wise I'm trying to also follow along mystic power trends, so raphs episodes struggling with mystic powers/not yet doing a full body mode has to also be before bug busters. War and pizza, minotaur maze, and maybe longest fight? If I remember right?

Well longest fight does have to be earlier in the timeline because raph says "the freaky flame guys are back stealing jewelry", kind of implying this is the second time they've seen the foot, so it's def earlier/mid season

Friend: I admire you for how dedicated you are to this- doing what Nick refused to do.

That does sound right!

(Thank you dude that helped a lot)

Not to mention they underestimate the flame guys enough to keep watching skateboarding, cause they got a decently good victory against them the first time

Minotaur maze ALSO has to be pre turtle tank, because that's the episode they discover the mutant pizza place, which they visit when trying to find the turtle tankI think the gumbus happened while donnie was building the turtle tank. It's an introduction episode, so its earlier in the series, but there's 0 donnie (or raph, but raph could also be doing his own thing or helping get materials for don)I do think there should be some episodes between repo and turtle tank, because that was NOT a quick build, but there's only like 3 episodes without donnie and 2 of them have to happen a bit later

You got served has to happen after portal jacked, because portal jacked is when leo went from "annoying ass gremlin" to "begrudgingly my nephew". Why would hueso call for Leo's help pre portal jacked with how he was acting during the start of portal jacked? I think portal jacked is after the fast and the furriest, and cause Leo's been going there a lot he sees hueso as an adult he can get help from even tho hueso is annoyed af by him

And portal jacked should also happen earlier cause leo still doesn't understand how to get to the hidden city on his own, but if it happened after splinter began getting involved again not only would he be able to ask for the doohickey again, he'd probably *go to his dad for help in the first place*

So portal jacked is definitely BEFORE shadows of evil, despite what air dates tell you

Leo's portal powers are also more improved than the start, he's able to make large portals and usually succeeds at making them, but he gets the location wrong. Its probably just before or after late fee, where he also makes a large portal, but seems unsure if it'll work. Probably similar timing to mutant menace too, cause he makes a large portal but doesn't control where it'll go very well

So portal jacked is earlier making you got served later so it can't happen before bug busters

Nothing but truffle is the other no donnie episode, it has to happen AFTER Mrs cuddles though because she's in the episode. It also happens after repo, which does mean it *could* be while donnie is building the tank, but it's kind of implied meat sweats has seen mikey more than once or twice.

Idk, tbh I have a lot of trouble placing nothing but truffle

so far this is the timeline im most sure on. the highlighted episodes I have concrete evidence for their placement. i've inferenced the other two tbh but they make sense

as you can see, i havent even gotten to bug busters yet. it's so confusing rip

i think purple jacket has to be pre turtle tank because if the dragons could steal donnie's leathal weapon filled tank and use it, why would they NOT?? but they only stole his battle shells and tech bo, so i presume the tank wasn't finished yet so they didn't bother stealing it

shell in a cell just has to happen earlier to allow ghost bear to continue being a nuicence, i put it where it makes sense i think? may move it an episode or two higher or lower, but it's definitely within this list somewhere

I just thought this placement made sense cause the raph/leo fight in minotaur maze wasn't really resolved, so that tension could carry over to shell in a cell in which they make up and fight together

Smart lair I think is post bullhop, and bullhop is ABSOLUTELY post pizza pit

Things get more muddled after bug busters

The only things that have to happen a certain way is Pizza Pit -> Bullhop -> Smart Lair -> Mind Meld. There can be episodes between them, but they have to be in that order

-later-

Oh my god

Oh my god

Cloak and swaggart might be WAY EARLIER in the timeline than i ever expected what

There's a potential cameo of the Sandro Brothers pre mutation in it???

I'm losing my mind this would move every sunita episode up by a LOT

Cause this is the last sunita episode!!! But it has to happen pre evil league of mutants??

Oh my god

Now are they wearing cloaking brooches or name tags?

Probably name tags

Cause of the shape. Brooches are. Well. Brooches. Very semicircle. These are flat

But also this fucks with the timeline so badly?? Cause now shelldon has to be moved up, but also splinter is taking them on a training mission?? He didn't begin seriously training them until AFTER shadows of evil!

Fuck it. They're cloaking brooches. They panicked cause "I recognize that pig dude"

-later-

Should mystic library be before or after shadows of evil?

It's definitely later, cause raph uses full form mystic powers and increased size, his mystic powers are very adept. But how late?

Friend: Aftwr

Thank you

-later-

Tbh the biggest wrench in everything is Snow Day

Because Snow Day clearly takes place in *winter*

But there is NO WINTER IN ANY OTHER EPISODE

So it is just. An outlier

-later-

(NO SHAME ON THE PERSON WHO MADE THE INCORRECT TIMELINE BTW, THIS SHIT IS H ARD, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND MISTAKES)

If you read through all that thank you, you're lovely

[gothmods]

Mega tmi below the cut (sex stuff again)

Well.

I think i can definitely conclude that while i do have a lot of sexuality baggage from yknow christian upbringing cisheteronormative society etc etc and i still think i have a low sex drive and am not very sensitive down there at least to my own touch and still resent the universe for denying me a dick

I can conclude that i am not asexual. The decade long quest for answers reaches some type of end.

I feel good. Yes in that a weight has now been lifted but more that this is one of like, less than a handful of times getting off has felt good, has been something i enjoyed.

All things considered its a mild enjoyment, it was fun but not earth-shatteringly brilliant. But i think it would be more fun with a partner, which like will probably still not be life changing or anything...

And yet that kinda is why its life changing for me. Years of all this anxiety and self harm and its like, its like ive been standing stuck on the doorstep for so long and the doors started to look bigger and heavier but now they are finally open and i can just. Let go? just sit with sex and sexuality as just another part of [my] life.

I liked it, i want to do it again. This is the first time ive been able to feel that way.

Moving on to less emotional notes

- douching, not as much work as you would think. Ive worked out how my body usually is so its a matter of scheduling but the actual prep was straightforward.

- vibrators are a godsend. Still figuring out what feels best but defs beats the hand by a long shot.

- arms and limbs are awkward. Multitasking very hard, suddenly very much understand the appeal of the suction cup dildo. Towel is very good idea also because lube can and does get everywhere.

- have definitely decided i like anal though. Its fun, reminds me a bit of the gentle burn you get from doing muscle based workouts. But without the pain of doing muscle based workouts.

- i like how i feel afterwards too. Front hole stuff has never felt good to me but also would give me abdominal cramping afterwards :/ i dont remember if that was the case pre-t but its never felt good during anyway so

- clean up is a pain. Wish i had my own bathroom. Picture if you will a guy carrying two different glass toys, a wand vibrator, an enema and a bottle of sex toy cleaner through the yard at night and then having to open multiple doors to get to the bathroom all while trying to be quiet enough to not wake his grandmother up (granny flat bathroom is only accessible via the bedroom 😬)

So yeah probably not something i will be doing often unless there comes another time i get the house to myself for a week or something.

Nonetheless excited to keep trying things.

I feel kinda embarrassed writing all this but the thing is i am 24 and having to learn these things for the first time and thats okay. But also i think the past decade and my relationship with sexuality would have been a lot easier to navigate if i had known anyone with similar experiences. I mean i know a lot of people had similar upbringings to me and we all live in a society but its been. Its been very isolating because of how that affected me.

I dont think ive seen much shared at all in terms of experiences with compulsive self harm in a sexual context. If it had just been anxiety and self-loathing i would have been able to deal with it much sooner i think.

But the self harm was a kind of feedback loop of like, you self harm -> you feel shame and disgust and misery -> those feelings become your primary association with sexual thoughts and behaviour -> the only sexual thoughts you get are intrusive and distressing -> self harm becomes a means of feeling in control of the distress -> and on we go again and again and again

But its over. Its actually over and i want to cry. Its been weeks and i havent self harmed and im finding it a little easier to deal with triggers and just. I want to cry so much because i feel so fucking relieved.

The power of anal sex....