#and also my anxiety/depression is just. so much worse
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Summer is absolutely wrecking me this year. More than usual, which is particularly frustrating since my mental health had been so much better this past fall/winter/spring--though part of it is also that I am pretty wrung-out physically. I just want the season to be over :(
#been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately which i have read can be a side effect of summer seasonal affective disorder#and also my anxiety/depression is just. so much worse#i know mental health is not a linear thing but it's making me kind of sad and stressed to feel so bad again#needless to say. not doing amazing
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Another thing that makes kaladin so painfully relatable is how much his mental illness hides his personality, because between depressive episodes and trauma he's this sarcastic little shit that smiles a lot at his friends and then the depression gets to him and all that disappears
#I'm dreading book 4 so much#my depression got worse while reading it the first time 😭#also I don't remember exactly what but multiple times he says stuff that i think too often and having a fictional character say that l#ridiculous stuff caused by mental illness made me feel even worse#it helped! because it hit me how stupid it is and that i should avoid that type of thinking at all costs! but didn't i feel like shit for a#while#now i almost finished book 1 and book 2 has Shallan's past 😬😬😬😬😬#can't wait to read again about her horrible childhood locked home with a violent father that take out his rage at her on others#that won't make me feel horrible at all!#it's not like i wasn't almost crying just at her getting an anxiety attack at the beginning#....these books feels awfully aimed at me fjskdks#the stormlight archive#cosmere
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🐰🌧️
#so on my way home..#i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future#i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were#bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected#a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati#that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful#and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old#live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :)#you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :)#you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!!#you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u!#whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️#god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE#i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things#now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao#there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives#by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it.#or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me#only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die#bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything#for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!!#not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right#i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax#but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭#my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became#bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life
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y’all. i fucking cannot. what is wrong with the world. can we just please. stop.
#you can use this for whatever context you want within reason (aka no bigots of any kind fuck you)#but im gonna spill in the tags so#youve been warned#this is a vent#———————————#so im in autistic “burnout” or AUNS atm and therefore my depression is also stronger than before same with anxiety and#all the mental problems#and my sensory issues are also so bad right now#and i find myself forcing myself to speak and sometimes even having complete verbal shutdown#so at the end of the school day today i was on the very verge of a meltdown and i was already in sensory overload#and just generally feeling horrid and dysphoric#i ran out of class when we were dismissed and powerwalked to a stop away from the one i usually go to#so that i wouldnt have to talk to my friends and actually have a meltdown and feel even worse#and i full on thought out what bus i was gonna take so i could have a quiet ride home and hopefully calm down and feel better a bit#GUESS FUCKING WHAT HAPPENED#my friend#got on the same bus.#and i love her i love her so much shes so fun to talk to shes great and i really love talking with her so much#but today#when i had already spent extra energy trying to spare myself from more masking and interaction#those efforts also were put to waste AND i had to spend even more energy talking for at least 40 minutes straight when i had hoped to talk#for none#and with no music to block out other bus sounds#so when she got off the bus i was so close to crying#and then i had to take another bus as well bc i take two to get home#and now im walking home in the rain and my clothes are damp and sticking to my skin and i think im ready to die now#/nsrs#but icl i kind of wish it was#anyway bye#tw suicide
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...
#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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Luigi master of the beans, worked in a Starbucks in Highschool, now a regular in the Beanbean Kingdom, makes the best cup of coffee in the morning every day for Mario, who could absolutely just drink whatever whenever and is not picky about his morning Joe at all but he loves the flare Luigi puts into it
#Mariocest#I'm just gonna start posting headcanons now I NEED to be THE Mariocest blog it's important#I need you all to see me as the guy for Mariocest#Also I just need to get thoughts out of my head so I'm just gonna say them as they come#today years old when I learned Starbucks is not actually spelled with an X oh boy#Luigi does not drink coffee it's too hard on him tumby and just makes his anxiety feel worse#Mario however is NOT a morning person and needs the stuff#His favorite is the Hoolumbian though really he could drink whatever#Picky about food not so much about drink that's my Mario take#It's made with love and that makes all the difference#Mario says he's not picky about his coffee but making instant by himself when Luigi's visiting the BeanBean Kingdom or whatever#Is one of those things that really really really makes Mario feel the Missing Luigi Lonleyness set in#There's so much depressing about waking up before he wants to and drinking hot coffee alone in their kitchen#He hates being in the house when Luigi isn't there#now I'm just running through all my thoughts but I've said these ones before so it's fine#Take this post I'm off to bed
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i love art, im very grateful for adderall for gifting me with the executive function, ease of prioritization, and clearness of thought <3
#seriously a blessing in my burnout recovery#i think i had 2 burnouts really#1st when i was 12 i burnt out academically#and fell into other hyperfixations like homestuck and anime#n cartoons also socially burnt after my friends got annoyed w myhyperfixes but got close w my husband which helped/distracted from burnout#then i did again injjjjunior year i would say#i was burnt out creatively and socially and i hated band for the first time and i met my first AP class that i couldnt just coast through#because we had to do checked notes and DAMN im grateful for that teacher!!!!!!!!!!!#genuinely led to me learning how to take notes on text when i never had to before#but i literally cried. because spent HOURSSS the first few times trying to do my notes before a classmate told me theres a website that#summarized the book#which helped a lot#but it was the first time since suspecting i have Something other than depression/anxiety that i was SURE i had adhd#it kinda just clicked so i got on a nonstimulant that helped a bit but had shitty physical symptoms that got worse as i got older#i was on it forrrr like 2 or 3 years before i stopped taking it#but i also got on a 504 which gave me deadline flexibility which like#great yknow finishing out junior and senior year medicated woo#but senior year last semester i had terrible senioritis lol#which i now realize was that 2nd burnout#and literally from march 2020 to the end 2022 i barely talked to anyone or engaged on any level with most people other than smoking weed#and being a therapist#and my beautiful wonderful husband ofc but we kinda enabled each other lmao#but yknow that gap of time when my locale cared about covid and stuff was just not going on i really recovered#i didnt draw much or do much hobbywise#i did probably too much weed and not too much but Quite a Damn Lot of acid#(which.. idk who follows me now... but acid isnt a evil scary drug it is not physically harmful and wholly dependent on mindset)#and i worked a lot#but... i quit my job at the end of 2022. which kinda directly correlates with me reconnecting with my friend group#and reconnecting with them... i decided to go back to college#re realized the path for my passion for psychology lies in academia and i LIKE that
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why is January 2929293929 days long this year
#every day I wake up and . don’t want to#every day I have to drag myself to work and be entirely unhappy#and take every micro interaction as rejection#every day I think I have to push myself onto people in order to reach out and get what I want#but every time I’ve tried at work I don’t get it#and all my friends have a person that’s more important than me and I’m left behind#(the people I see every day or used to that is)#I attached so much of my value to work because it was the one thing I had a passion for#the one thing I could do#and now that’s gone and what the fuck do I have left#every day I sit at work and want to be so angry at everyone and I am but I’m also not and that’s what makes it worse#because I love them!!!!! I do!!!!!! but I get treated like SHIT#and everyone pretends it’s normal?#And then advises me to be More Forward in what I want?#when all I’ve been DOING is dragging myself out of comfort zones I have never been this uncomfortable ever and for WHAT#every day I’m in actual physical pain that MAYBE a surgery will be able to fix#every day I have to fight my piece of shit anxiety and seasonally depressed brain#every day I have to do physical therapy exercises or yoga or pelvic floor shit or mental therapy or whatEVER the fuck just to#find a sliver? of happiness somewhere?#And for WHAT#it hasn’t gotten me anywhere has it it hasn’t gotten me anything I wanted#tomorrow I’ll be able to look at the things I built and be happy about it again (maybe)#but today?#it’s a bad day#it’s such a BAD FUCKING DAY#I have cried every day since Sunday so far which is not normal for me I cry like five times a year usually#and my brain is screaming at me to isolate myself because at#least that way I’ll be safe from disappointing anyone#I hate when it’s a dark pit like this but what the fuck man#also the state of the goddamn world is. bad. and making me spiral worse and I just . 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠
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#sigh#i dont wanna be here. trying is so much work that requires effort i dont have#i also broke my own promise to myself and ordered groceries home. yes its good im getting something to eat but i know i shouldnt#im just incapable of going outside and everything hurts#depression and anxiety keep getting worse#im just.. idk. i need a break where its okay to be just this fucking broken and like a years worth of sleep#i know i'll feel a bit better when i get coffee in me but also just. ugh#i really dont wanna get up. but the delivery is coming. ugh#night is an absolute mess on main
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life is falling through my fingers more that usually
#i’ve been in a pretty much constant state of panic since january#and it’s gotten worse recently bc of 1. thesis writing (or lack thereof)#2. administrative problems at uni that i caused due to the constant state of anxiety and depression#like whyyyy do things like going to the uni office send me spiraling like nothing else#and i’ve been feeling weird and disconnected for a while now and nothing seems to interest me anymore#like i’m light headed in the worst way and i think if one thing goes badly i’ll genuinely fall down crying#and i can’t seem to do anything productive bc of the anxiety either#ok i checked usos. the administrative problem got more or less solved#oh thank god#i love depression loveee it love causing problems for myself that i later have to bother other people about bc i can’t solve them by myself#esp when you have to admit to them that mental illness is what caused them bc even when they’re sympathetic and nice about it i still feel#like such a pathetic idiot my god#also i’ve been thinking a lot abt how a pattern that repeats in my life is the lack of closure#from silly things to more serious ones#like how i didn’t attend my elementary school graduation nor the hs one#the first one bc of travelling and the second bc of covid#so i just closed my laptop and then went to pick up my diploma after matura results and that was it i never saw any of my teachers or#thanked them etc#and how all my friendships that died out were this kind of sudden drop like nothing happened but we just stopped talking one day and that#was it and idk where we stand#and how i seem to leave loose threads everywhere i go and i can’t tell if it’s just a coincidence or if i do that on purpose but#unconciously so as to not have to deal with things ending bc that scares me#i’ve never felt grounded in any moment and it’s so strange#also yeah yeah weird behaviour meant to save me from abandonment whatever#📓#niedziela wieczór i humor popsuty co mogę powiedzieć
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hello. sorry i disappeared again i think this is just who i am now. finally living my dreams of being a cryptid
i wrote like a chapter and a half of a fuckign ladybug fic today. it is cringe but i am free. who is interested (it's not gonna follow canon very closely at all because i do not care it is for my enjoyment)
#i'm fine i just have depression and chronic issues and i have decided to stop forcing myself to post when i am not well#disappearances are probably just part of my brand at this point#me coming back from the dead once again#miraculous ladybug#the oc is named raven romero renato he's so bbygirl#he's got anxiety but he's also an adrenaline junkie which makes a terrible terrible combination.#of course he's given a miraculous and this just makes it so much worse#he's a coyote btw#and like a model n shit but who cares about that. show me this man vigilante-ing#(i am making them actual vigilantes not just responding to akuma attacks)#(i'm also aging them up because... 14 year old superheroes.......... insert throwing up emoji)#he also has trauma ofc hes my oc but it's also kind of a crackfic#if you couldn't tell his love interest is adrien#and maybe a little luka but idk. they might just be besties instead#marinette will be severely less creepy and things will overall be changed to fit my headcanons. cope.
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Starting to wonder if I have bipolar but then I would literally have almost every mental illness. Like fr I'm not kidding you, I'm a collector and I never chose this
#it does run in my family since my mom had it#i just wonder because while im almost always suicidal the way that prevents itself can greatly change very quickly#like periodically ill be stuck to my bed very sad very mopy for like 3 weeks to 3 months#and then sudden i get this burst of false energy that is actually severe restlessness#and i NEED to do something when that happens. sometimes i just cannot sleep because ive gotta do something#sometimes i frantically draw or write and ill have these moments where i feel ecstatic and when i come back to normal levels of sadness#im convinced i mustve been delusional to think the thoughts that i had then#usually the sadness isnt as bad during those periods but the suicidality is much worse actually because i become very frantic#and have so much more energy#idk. my theory thus far has been either 1) adhd causing mood dysregulation and hyperactivity#2) fluctuations in my depression and anxiety combating each other. actually both of these.#or 3) DID. just DID. i think thats lretty self explanatory#the interesting thing is that i think what i described with point 1 and 2 would be clinically considered bipolar...?#listen clinicians dont always consider the other factors that contribute to what symptoms the person is having#especially in psychology where the lines are very blurry since diagnosis tends to be made on behavioral observations#and also on self reported symptoms.i suspect im one of the only people who would describe symptoms like 'im having x because i have y'#and not just 'im having x symptom'#skfjfh sorry to everyone who reads my tags 👍 psychology special interest go brr
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work has been WAY less dreadful lately and i feel like im finally connecting with my coworkers because im not as shy & ive gotten more comfortable there and feel more adult in general but idk i think im just feeling down or something because i just cried about not being able to find a clean bowl in this stupid house i haven’t eaten since lunch and theres nothing here that i want/ wont make my stomach hurty except soup and thats going to be so unsatisfying its so dumb but i AM dreading work tmrw we have a meeting which always makes me insane anxious i hate being trapped in a room and having to sit there and not be visibly anxious have to appear cool calm collected but not trying to throw up at the same time like im gonna be anxious all day which means i wont eat much because im afraid of puking and then ill feel worse because im hungrys im going to rip my skin off AHHHHHH!!!! <- thats me screaming
#i know its just my period coming sighhhhh its about to get so much worse i get lreally depressed like a week before it gets real bad#i can feel if creeping 🤨🤨 nothing is making me feel happy or fulfilled 🤨🤨 seasons are changing this doesnt help 🤨🤨 AHHHHH!!!!#(me screaming again )#being open about myself at work instead of trying to put on a worksona has me feeling like early middle school maggie im not sure why#or if fhats bad or good ..#also meeting is at the end of the day so in my mind theres a timer from when the day starts and once it goes past a certain point i cant#eat bc that means ill have a full tummy in the meeting and that in combo w being super anxious (anxiety causes me stomach issues and also#theres a fear of puking that is perhaps not rational) but i get so nervous about the meeting when i still have time that i dont feel hungry#or im like Nah timers lying Its already too late to eat. and then i feel like crap bexause im hungry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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.
#2 whole weeks sobeR let’s talk abt it#this the longest I’ve gone without a crumb of weed in my system in 5 yrs and the second longest in 8 yrs#For a long long time I thought I was self medicating the adhd but turns out I was making it Significantly worse#I have an attention span now I can watch tv without scrolling on my phone or playing w fidget toys#My apartment has stayed perfectly clean for the past 2 wks#haven’t rly struggled with eating or sleeping routines are v important wit it tho#been relying heavily on safe foods I’ve eaten the same exact thing every day for 2 weeks but it’s fine#ashwagandha helps me not wanna peel my skin off in rage#time moves INSANELY slower when ur not h*gh every waking second of the day these have been the Longest 2 wks of my life#but also I have So Much more time to do things and SO much more energy to do the things#I thought being anxious and exhausted was just my constant state of being but turns out that was Also just the weed#The insane nightmares have been The hardest part but most of the time my dreams are just weird#Feeling emotions is weird I’ve cried more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 2 years#I cry about good things I cry about beautiful things art as a whole is just so moving#self regulating after stressful things like work or staying with my parents is definitely New as w as decompressing after socializing w ppl#I do things like paint and journal and make silly little bracelets now#Idk man it just hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be#A few months ago me and ******** were talking about how we’d actually k word ourselves without it#turns out the jazz cabb was making my depression and anxiety so much worse than it actually is#shits literally fine#Anyways don’t let ppl tell u u can’t develop an unhealthy relationship w weed I was h*gh every waking second of my day for 5 yrs#Last time I tried this I immediately became an alcoholic instead this time I don’t even feel the desire to have a single little drink#Overall I have A Lot more self control in every single area of my life#I don’t waste my money on dumb shit I can eat normal amount of food like a normal person#The thought of buying my favorite cookies and only having like Two of them used to be such an unreasonable concept to my little brain#I don’t know if this is gonna be a permanent thing I definitely know I can’t do it habitually#just like I learned I can be normal about alcohol if I don’t keep it in my house and only do it when socializing for special occasions#anyways if ur thinking about taking a break from ur favorite substance maybe give it a try#thx for coming 2 my ted talk if u read the whole thing I luv u take care of urself
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Vent post.
So I found out I probably need a walker.
internalized ableism in tags but I'm going to clarify that this is only directed to myself and I think other disabled people are cool as hell and none of the things im describing myself with. No disrespect is intended to people who are going through similar things as me, you're strong and cool as hell. Its just different if its to myself. Please do not take this out of context, its a personal vent post describing myself and applies to no one else. Thank you.
Cw for: ableism, internalized ableism, small addiction mention.
#god i feel so fucking pathetic.#i dont think i deserve one. im not in *enough* pain.#i still have days where i can move unassisted without pain.#so i feel so fucking pathetic for feeling like i need one. im not in enough pain to justify it.#but at the same time it hurts. it hurts so much. every step hurts. every movement hurts so much and its getting harder every day.#but. its not ALL the time so i should just shut up and deal with it.#im trying to do thought excercises with my boyfriend right now and its helping. him saying stuff like#'if someone else was in your situation would you think they would need a cane or walker?' and my answer is yes of course.#and it is making me feel better but at the same time i just feel so feeble and helpless in my own body.#i need help. i need help so much. but theres also other disabled people who are in much more pain than me.#so why should i think i deserve extra help when other people have it so much worse. i'm *lucky* i'm not in as much pain as other#disabled people.#i feel like i should just count my blessings and deal with the pain. but. it hurts. it hurts so much every day. and i dont know what to do.#i cant actually get help until i move out of my dad's place since. he'd kick me out since he thinks i'm going to end up like my mom.#lying to get drugs and moving on to harder non medical substances. but. thats not what i want to do.#in fact ive told every doctor ive had about my family's addiction history. all of my medicine for my depression and anxiety are on#low doses they give to people who are pregnant to make sure theres no chance i get addicted or too dependent on the medicine. and like.#the one time i didnt get that was from post-surgery pain medicine my doctor described. a highly addictive intoxicant. but.#it only made me paranoid and afraid and it made me sooo scared. i hate the feeling of being intoxicated. it horrifies me.#but he'll still kick me out if i get help and i have nowhere to go.#so im just trapped. and im in so much pain. but its getting so hard to be a person. but because i live with him and hear him every day#im internalizing it so much. clearly i have to be faking right? how dare i claim to need all of this when there's actual disabled people#who actually need help#god.#im so pathetic.#i don't like how i am. i hate myself for wanting help i havent *earned*.#and i know. i know that's stupid. and if i met another person in as much pain im in i'd definitely say they need a walker and/or cane and#that they deserve to get the help they need to live their life.#but its me. so its different.
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momentum & iced coffee are all that’s keeping me going today. i’m inches away from losing the moment though so we’ll see how this goes
#feel free to ignore#i made 30 cookies & 12 pb chocolate bar things & 12 mixed berry danishes & started my laundry#& took a walk & bought groceries#i hate being depressed & Functional#it’s soooooo much worse#by all accounts this Episode is a little bit my fault#my raging anxiety isn’t though#that’s just god punishing me#i also fucked up my hands by washing so many dishes#AND i just pulled the tower so 🦪
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