#so that i wouldnt have to talk to my friends and actually have a meltdown and feel even worse

[stitchwraith-stingers]

autistic hazel headcanons because i lost my last post

spoke really late, around 5 years old, since then she hasnt stopped talking, god speed

i shouldnt have to say itsince its so obvious in the show but geology special interest..... i like to imagine she has various really niche hyperfixations (like her hat thing going on) one day she could just pop up next to you and go btw did u know that birds r crazy cool and then the next month shes talking about furneture

and to add to that, it all started when her family went onto some museum exibit and her brother was like ohh rocks r so strange and explained whatever he learned in the...... 8th grade i cant count about them and from that day on

no idea where to put this but she has had bad sleeping problems since forever . she lives off 2 hours of sleep baybe and they r heavenlyyyy... unrelated but the nightmare haver...

not really much sensory issues going on, but she perfers lights off in her room if shes able to

she doesnt like alot of different fabric textures, silk is a 100% no-go for her, she sticks with wool

doesnt like soft fruit (bananas, strawbarries, mangoes, blueberries) and doesnt like most nuts

would hide in the janitors closet when she has a meltdown / shutdown, everyone in the school just kinda accepts it now and always know shes there since where else could she be, she doesnt actually have those often she just had it 3 times and keeps using it as an excuse to talk to coswan

her main stim was rocking back and forth often, but the kids would point it out often and shes trying SO hard to not do it again so they wouldnt stare at her, body stims alot in general but probably doesnt notice it

often makes alottttt of hand gestures when talking and people would repeat those gestures to her

the short term memoryerrrrrr (crock to the future.....tbh same)

has a hard time distinguishing phrases (break a leg, i could eat a horse etc) but is fine with sarcasam

COLLECTOR OF FIDGETS!!!!!! had to sell most of them before leaving for dimmadelphia though :( her faves are tangles, popits are just easier to carry around

probably had a weighted plushie she had everywhere as a kid, i like to imagine it was an elephant

doesnt like strong smells WORST sensory nightmare for her, unfortunatly for her, onions are her fathers comfort food

doesnt like eyecontact, unfortunatly for her, her best friend likes intense eye contact

her family is full of undiagnosed neurodivergents (marcus/angela r autistic4adhd to me) so they probably connect the dots after guzman pulls them aside and goes weve been observing ur daughter and i think you might want to check this out

I CANT FIND THE FUCKING IMAGE NOO but hazel n marcus r basically that one image thats like "sorry mom im gonna be late i have to drop this pebble down a river to see how big the splash it" / "ok but tell me too how deep it is how loud i was etc"

[weirdmageddon]

yesterday i wrote a scene where jade wasnt a plot device and was left the hell alone in A6A5 because this being dave and jade’s last proper conversation in years made me sad and i wanted to see them reunite properly. i mixed a bit of narration in too even though it was rare around this point in the comic but its just to paint a better picture. also i wouldnt mind feedback on character voice (it’s important to me that the dialogue sounds believable)

[3 years are over, everyone is in the new session. The prospit ship is on LOMAX, as is everyone who arrived on the meteor, safely warped by Jade onto LOMAX as well. Jade has banished B2 Jack to the Furthest Ring already. She hasn't seen her friends in 3 years, not to mention she never met the trolls in person yet.]

[Jade teleports to LOMAX where John was talking with the meteor crew. Her eyes widen when she sees the trolls, giving everyone a greeting. Jade waves to the trolls.]

You’ll have time to catch up with them later. First you want to reconvene with Rose and Dave.

> ==>

Dave... Oh my god! DAVE!!! That’s right! The last time you saw him, he died in your arms after Jack redirected the bullets from your gun into his body!

JADE: dave!!!! DAVE: hey DAVE: this has been three years coming hasnt it DAVE: cmere

> ==>

[Dave hugs Jade with a slight grin on face. He notices her… sniffing him?? but doesn’t even bother to question it.]

JADE: it is so nice to hold your body when its not a corpse :) DAVE: ok DAVE: weird thing to say DAVE: actually who am i kidding who gives a shit DAVE: i almost forgot how much i missed the enigmatic riddlefuckery that is your phrasing DAVE: fortunately i have context for this so i know what youre saying DAVE: humor me for a sec and imagine that i didnt DAVE: but first DAVE: are those dog ears JADE: yes! i am part dog now JADE: because i prototyped my dreamself with becsprite JADE: jadesprite became part of me! and so did her doggy traits from bec DAVE: got it DAVE: oh yeah john mentioned that on the back of his dumb poster inside that bucket that appeared out of thin air DAVE: right before we had to haul ass out of there before jack caught up to us DAVE: karkat had a complete fucking meltdown over that btw i wish you couldve seen it DAVE: damn it feels like so long ago now JADE: heheheh i remember JADE: john realized it at the last second but it was too late! DAVE: of course it was johns idea only he could do something that gooberish DAVE: you know what this means though JADE: yup!! woof woof DAVE: it means youve done it harley DAVE: youve finally done it god damn it DAVE: the evolution of humankind is finally upon us DAVE: the scientists said it would never happen in our lifetime DAVE: but look what we have here DAVE: before me stands mans first legitimate furry subspecies DAVE: homo canis DAVE: as the name implies theyre gay as fuck btw DAVE: its too bad all those scientists are dead and cant witness this phylogenetic breakthrough DAVE: rip to the science community yall wouldve lost your collective shit DAVE: hey jade lets pour one out for the science community for being real ones

> ==>

You are still nestled into Dave’s shoulder. He’s taken a sort of protective position over you. Your perceptive barkbeast ears can hear his formerly bullet-riddled heart beating a mile a minute with the regularity of quartz beneath his time-branded pajamas, all the while he continues to ramble to you about certifiably dumb shit. You can tell Dave is psyched to see you again, even if he expresses it in his OWN bizarre way, which means extended metaphors and topical tangents. What a hypocrite, calling YOUR phrasing perplexing! You sure missed this guy.

You realize you started tuning him out while thinking about all this.

DAVE: jade JADE: umm homo is the species name JADE: so wouldnt that mean were all gay? :p DAVE: yeah that sounds about right DAVE: anyway enough of this bullshit

> ==>

[Dave motions to retract his arms since he doesn’t want it to get too weird, but Jade squeezes tighter. Dave immediately yields to the movement]

DAVE: jesus wow ok DAVE: really happy to see you too DAVE: like if you had a tail it would be wagging so forcefully youd be knocking over all the fucking furnishings in the room DAVE: just slapping it so hard on the owners thigh that it feels like theyre being flogged DAVE: talk about getting bitch slapped JADE: :D DAVE: so howve you been JADE: really really excited to see you guys all again!!! JADE: and to meet the trolls! DAVE: yeah theyre pretty weird DAVE: and im still not used to it DAVE: but it gets more manageable the longer youre around them DAVE: by the way JADE: ?

> ==>

DAVE: sorry you had to go through that JADE: through what? DAVE: seeing me die and stuff again DAVE: except that time right in front of you JADE: .... DAVE: when we were gathering up all those frogs i knew jack was going to appear DAVE: i was waiting and waiting to play it out DAVE: mentally rehearsing my fucking torso getting turned into swiss cheese and knowing you would have to watch on top of it DAVE: i had to make sure it happened to protect the integrity of the alpha timeline DAVE: but if you knew this was going to happen you wouldve tried to prevent it and created a doomed one DAVE: and so i didnt say anything DAVE: i couldnt DAVE: so DAVE: sorry for putting you through that JADE: oh..... JADE: dave D: JADE: well im here JADE: if you ever want to talk about it DAVE: its cool DAVE: you just deserve to know what happened there DAVE: but thanks DAVE: so am i JADE: yeah i know JADE: i guess i should be glad you did that then... JADE: even though i was freaking out when it happened ._. JADE: otherwise you wouldnt be here will us now dressed in your red god tier time pajamas DAVE: yeah these magical rags really are comfortable arent they DAVE: and they stay like perma clean JADE: they are! i would wear mine over and over for days on end JADE: id take a nice shower and put it right back on JADE: and you know how much i love cycling my outfits through my wardrobifier JADE: by the way dave your cape is sooo cool! :o DAVE: thanks DAVE: yeah i love it its hella soft DAVE: its like ive got a portable snuggle blanket with me in case i ever need to drop to the floor like a tired sack of shit and get my snooze on DAVE: ive got a permanent personal reservation at club bed featuring dj pillow and mc blanky JADE: heheheh JADE: can i touch your cape? DAVE: of course go nuts JADE: yaaaay!!

[beah388love]

Your on your period

18+ Minors DNI!!!

Full Masterlist

Cobra Kai Masterlist

Miguel:it was the middle of science class and you was sitting next to miguel and demetri , a couple of minutes past and you jusy knew and remembered you was due so you began to panick because you didnt have any pads or tampons with you, miguel noticed you was acting weird so he wrote down on a piece of paper 'are you okay? ♡︎' you wrote back no and he quietly whispered to you "whats wrong?" "im on my period and i dont know what to do" you whispered berg quietly back. He put his hand up and said "y/n feels ill can i walk her to the nurse sir" the teacher said yes and you both went to a shop to buy you pads or tampons(or anything you prefer) once you had found a bathroom and sorted yourself out you wouldnt stop thanking him and apoligizing for wasting his time,be immediately told you to stop apoligizing and took you too his house to have a movie marathon and cuddle.

Eli/hawk:you get very hormonal on your period and perticularly today your emotions were everywhere and you was watching peppa pig(idk why lmao) but in the episode you was watching susy was just plain evil and you started crying like having a full mental breakdown and when hawk heard you crying he immediately ran up to you and asked you whats wrong "s-susy is such a bad f-friend" you said between sobs "whos susy?" Hawk replied in a very confused tone and you just pointed to the tv "are you being serious?" Hawk said which made you cry even more "n-no! Dont cry its okay i-uh susy is a horrible friend" he said trying to comfort you and you just kept crying ,when hawk caught on that you was on your period throughout the day he went to a corner shop and got you your fav/f and he got you some more pads or tampons(or whatever u prefer) and he tried to not say anything that would offend you or make you sad for the rest of the day.

Demetri:you and Demetri were cuddling in his bed with your head on his chest and Demetri was gonna pee himself so he sprinted to the toilet and when he came back he turned the light on and that's when he saw it the red stain under you and on your shorts "OMG-ARE YOU OKAY ARE YOU DYING?" Demetri was screaming at you thinking that you was dying and bleeding to death "please don't die" he nearly had a heart attack until you told him you was on your period "oh- I-uh are you okay?" Demetri was now as red as a tomato  "yea but uh I need pads/tampons(or whatever your prefer) demetri went to the store to get you some but didn't know which ones you like or if you even have a preference so he texted you And when you told him what they looked like or the name he got them and bought you some snacks too. When he got back he washed his bedsheets and put new ones on and gave you some of his joggers to wear (which were really baggy on you) and then you guys are snacks and did a movie marathon of all your favourite films.

Robby:Robby would usually keep track of your period because he found it really stupid asking you all the time because you would get mad or sad at him cause of your mood swings so instead he just kept track and when he checked in the morning and saw you was due he bought some of your fav things and some pads/tampons(or whatever you prefer) because you was running out and then you guys chilled at his house and whenever you got a bad cramp he would give you a heating pad and massage your stomach.

Young daniel larusso:he knew instantly because you was always really sensitive on your period and would cry over the littlest things so he tried his best to not say anything that would make you upset or annoyed and when he did he would immediately not talk until you said it was okay for him to again and it might sound bad to others but you both knew it would stop unnecessary arguments and meltdowns for you both so you guys would just cuddle and watch films together all day.

Young johnny lawrence:Johnny knew what a period was but he never actually knew what it was if that makes sense so when you told him you was on yours he was very confused on what he should like if he should hug you or not touch you so he kind of did a mixture of both which was making you really upset because you didn't know why he was acting like that and confronted him after a day or two "Johnny why are you being like this?" You said randomly while you both were cuddling "what do you mean?" He answered back genuinely confused "well you keep being really cuddly and clingy and then you won't even touch me" Johnny knew exactly what you meant now and went bright red "I-uh I'm sorry I just didn't know if you wanted me to touch you or not i mean I've never had to deal with a girl on her uh what's it called?" he said "a period?" You answered "yeah! That's what it's called god that been bugging me all day" he said making you laugh "Johnny you can cuddle me if I'm on my period ,I mean like don't overdo it y'know just be how you usually are" "how I usually am?" He said kind of not believing you "yes how you usually are" you giggled. After that Johnny would act normally around you but he would still be extra kind to you because he knew that periods hurt from seeing you in pain from cramps before.

———

[llatimeria]

also if a neurotypical person ever used a tone indicator on me i think i’d probably riot for reasons that are probably dumb because nts are the ones who should learn how to be clearer more often. but i think if a neurotypical person said /j or /srs or /gen to me i would get the exact same vibe as the I’m-talking-to-a-kid-who’s-special tone that i got whenever i had symptoms around my classmates

[redrreign]

god why is gender

[weebsinstash]

No no you’re so right about the batfam thing, I thought I was the only one here. They’re all so mentally ill and have seen so much shit, this gray area of taking care of you (but at the same time never attempting to cure you) is so on brand.

Reader: ok so can I just go over this again. I was a grown adult woman with a job and an apartment and my own arguably shitty life and I was even a vigilante

Dick: yep sounds right so far

Reader: and I had a run in with a villain and maybe almost died and in the end i got turned back into a kid

Jason: yeah it was real scary, Damian totally cried

Reader: and after I was a kid again and i couldnt remember anything 'from the future', you gave me a new place to live, you fed me, you housed me, you even registered me in school and I literally went to high school with you guys

Barbara: yeah and the teachers love you ^^

Reader: i would have nightmares and PTSD and then one or even several of you would sleep in the same room as me, Alfred learned all my favorite dishes, we literally took family vacations overseas, you took me to all kinds of doctors whenever I was worried about my hair or my skin or wasn't feeling well to make sure I was literally in perfect health and wouldnt worry, some of you call me your sister completely unironically, and you guys did all of that, all of that for like FIVE YEARS--

Damian: well of course

Reader: and you NEVER attempted to talk to Dr Fate or Zatanna or Mr Terrific or like literally anyone about how to fix this and turn me back to normal literally NOT EVEN one single time? And what the fuck, are these ADOPTION PAPERS?

Jason:

Dick:

Bruce:

Barbara:

The dog:

Alfred, being as brutally honest as ever: it never came into consideration, no

Reader: man, fuck you guys, I'm gonna see what that "Earth-3" dimension is like, maybe THEIR Batman isn't a complete freak 😒

But gosh you wanna talk about morally gray, I was thinking of something when I was watching those Jason clips yesterday and you know, depending on the movie, people were discussing how he literally had head trauma that also could have altered his mental state and i began thinking: what if Reader got a concussion and it eventually spirals into the Batfam basically turning it into one big convenient excuse

Like imagine Reader is, you know a member or extended member of the fam, whether as is or attached to that age regression amnesia idea, and a villain just, REALLY gets a good move in, maybe the Joker himself brings his good friend the crowbar back and you take a good swing to the back of the head, and you have, like, CONFIRMED head trauma, definitely concussed, maybe you even need surgery or treatment for a fractured skull. Just the entire Batfam crowded around your bed comforting you as you lay there in bandages feeling just so weak and helpless and sad 🥺 and maybe not just the concussion but also the resulting months of bedrest until you recover directly result in you needing physical therapy so you're also physically weaker than before

And this goes from "oh gosh Reader is forgetting things more often and her ability to think and focus has obviously changed, what if this is permanent, we better make sure we support her and keep her company and try to help her and make things as accessible as possible" developing to "clearly you are only upset with us because your concussion scrambles you up sometimes and you're more emotional than you were before and you're not always in the right state of mind. what do you MEAN you want to move out and The Mission is stupid and none of us are actually fixing anything, youve never said stuff like this before, that's ridiculous, clearly you're just having another overstimulated meltdown but that's ok, we know you're struggling and you're still our family so we'll make sure you stay here and stay safe 🥰"

And you know, the Reader character is all emotional and stuff, but as the IRL Reader thats one of those situations where you kinda go "well shit, she DID have a traumatic head injury, from the Batfam's perspective you COULD legitimately just be suffering from a concussion and these 'aren't your real feelings'" and it's super morally gray because like yeah, you've been hurt real bad, and maybe you're still recovering, and maybe you do legitimately have a somewhat, er, slightly diminished mental ability now, but that's all manifesting in "you're literally having to break out of the house just to get some time to yourself because youre trapped or have a constant babysitter and Batman himself drags you back kicking and screaming while he's gently scolding how you shouldn't be out there by yourself and that you have to be more careful because what if you got hurt 🥺"

And even if Reader's emotions weren't being affected at all like, it brings THEM some sort of fucked up closure to believe that you're just a little unwell and not, like, you hating them because 'they couldn't protect you' and it is arguably their fault you even got brutalized in the first place. Bruce just internalizing the extreme guilt he feels until it manifests into you basically being treated even MORE like, like some kind of bubble baby, constantly kept safe in your perfectly handcrafted little prison of 'a peaceful life'.

[metaphor-cheese]

Assorted ferb headcanons:

-squeamish

-speaks like. 40 languages fluently

-great cook, will make food for his friends on the fly if he decides they need to eat

-has a small scar on his right temple. He tells a different outlandish story as to how he got it everytime someone asks

-as a young child was completely nonverbal

-No Fashion Sense autistic. He wears exclusively clothes he finds comfortable and doesnt care in the least about fashion trends. If you think ferb is fashionable sorry sweaty not my fault you’re wrong 😚

-everyone in the gang (bar phineas obvs) has had a crush on him at one point, as did many people in highschool. Ferb likes to play into the attention but his actual interest in romance is extremely limited (his crush on vanessa is like. It.)

-ace :))

-freezes up completely and dissociates beyond capacity for thought when scared

-only ever played alone as a little kid until he met phineas. Opened up to other friends slowly with phineas at his side calming his nerves and speaking for him

-best secret keeper you’ve ever met. He’s the one any of the gang go to if they need to confess or talk about something secret and he’s known perry was a secret agent since ready for the betty’s, he just didnt say anything because he pieced together why perry kept it secret

-doesnt like to get involved in drama or conflict. Himself, friends or family being in immediate, extreme danger is pretty much the only time he’ll step in

-can throw a nasty punch

-cuts the tags out of all his clothes and has a meltdown when they have to finally be thrown away

-has worn the same shoes for the past 5 years and will wear them until they either disintegrate or his feet grow so much he needs to be operated on to get them off

-can talk for hours if he wants to. Usually happens when he wants to lay out an argument, but sometimes also gets excited

-at any given moment has 6000 random facts on the brain he’s dying to tell someone, but the mortifying ordeal of breaking the peace of his silence overpowers it

-isabellas best and subtlest wingman (look at you buford and baljeet)

-tallass from birth to death

-exclusively calls linda ‘mom’ because mum is someone else

-understands and can speak in cockney rhyming slang, yorkshire dialect and the glaswegian accent perfectly

-big (british) stand up comedy fan you just wouldnt think it since he laughs on the inside

-his first few months in america were spent silently losing his shit over the smallest of things. He heard phineas say sidewalk and was internally like ‘I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A MYTH???’. Went ballistic when he saw the size of the flynn’s backgarden

-loves marshmallows and marshmallow flavoured stuff

-his favourite ice cream flavour is vanilla

-watches telenovelas

-cant wear watches or bracelets

[unnerving-presence]

So… Angst ideas? Let’s base one off of a real life scenario I had to deal with-

I have a younger brother who has autism, right? I was in a relationship with this guy, and before we started dating I told him straight up that he needs to understand and be patient with my brother. To understand that what I want in a relationship is for someone to be there for my family. He was cool with that. And he becomes one of my brothers friends! Always checking up on him, my brother asking if my BF can come over and hang out. There would be times that my BF would STEAL MY BROTHER FROM ME just so they can be nerds and look at video games. Anyway- Me and him dated for two years. This year it would have been our third. But of 2021 of this year, February, the day after Valentine’s Day, we get hit with a snow storm and all the roads are just covered in snow and nobody could drive. He’s stuck with us for a whole week, and I didn’t realize it until later on that his attitude started to change. He leaves and now it’s been maybe a month and a half now and he’s being distant with his messages. I come onto him about it.

To summarize it, he just texts me saying: “I don’t want to be apart of your family.”

He had to watch us struggle to keep warm, to take care of my brother and make sure he’s entertained. We had to walk a mile in the snow just to go get groceries because there was no food for him. And kids who have autism are known to be very picky eaters. My BF complained the whole time, saying he didn’t want to walk a mile. And then he complained saying he didn’t want to hold the giant military backpack filled food. “Ok fine. I don’t need your help” I said both times when he complained as I carry the backpack by myself.

My ex didn’t want his future to be filled with “responsibilities” for having to take care of my brother. What hurt the most out of it, was that he was my first. First boyfriend, first kiss, first one to lose my virginity to. I told him from the start what I wanted, and needed from him in the relationship. He turned me away. What killed me the most though was he broke up with me because of my brother. My family.

So angst part- Imagine starting a relationship with your lovely killer, even telling them before hand on what you need and want from them due to having a sibling with special needs. Later on through the relationship, they just… don’t want that for their future and just end ties with you.

I can mostly see Danny and Frank doing that to their partner. Maybe Michael? Don’t think he would handle a special needs kid having a meltdown very well… other then that, thoughts? What other killers do you see doing this to their partner?

(Sorry this kinda turned out more for ranting. Still angst though)

-Radio

i’m so sorry that happened to you and your brother :(

if you ever wanna talk more about it or anything, just dm me. i’ll always be there to listen :)

but i think you’re spot on with danny, frank, and michael. i don’t think michael would leave because of the responsibilities or your brother, but mainly because he can’t kill. killing is what he does, and it’s become part of his life. he’s been around many people on the spectrum, so he’s real used to it actually. he’d just be tired of not being able to kill, and he wouldn’t be able to deal with not being able to.

i also think ji-woon would. he’d probably be thinking about all the concerts he’s missing and he wouldnt wanna deal with all that youve been going through honestly.

also pyramid head?? mainly because he just has other things to do, and he can’t really stay by you for long and he thinks it would be better for your mental health.

amanda aswell. she wouldn’t wanna deal with your family. she’s a bit selfish.

[dirt-grub]

Dan and or chris for the headcannon thingy?

OKAY ONCE MORE FROM THE TOP CAUSE TUMBLR ATE THE LAST ONE

ahem.

Headcanon A: what I think realistically

Dan had a shit childhood and shit parents, and isn’t dealing with any of the issues spawned by that, hence why his life is kind of a disaster and his functionality as an independent adult is uh. subpar. 

Having grown up together and witnessed some of it secondhand, Chris knows not to bring it up too much with Dan. They both have an unspoken agreement and understanding not to approach certain topics with each other. They’re very good at reading each other, so Chris knows exactly how much he can actually get away with prodding Dan to act like a people for once, and vice versa Dan knows when to actually drop an argument when it gets into a serious place. Its incredibly weird for Elise to watch, and as incredibly close she is with Chris they have a very close bond that’s difficult for her to understand with how far back it goes. Also, in the beginning of Chris and Elise’s relationship, despite very vocally objecting to the entire thing when Chris was around, Dan begrudgingly gave Elise advice on how to speak Chris essentially, telling her what to avoid and what to talk about with him. He phrased it in a condescending way but we all know he was being a softie because he knows Elise makes Chris happy :,)

(also bonus every single roadtrip with all three of them ends up like this)

Headcanon B: what I think is fucking hilarious 

Dan is always visibly covered in cat hair. Trust me I’ve had a black and white cat before and you just can’t win. Whatever color you wear SOME of the fur will ALWAYS show up on it. You can always tell where Dan has been you just follow the trail

Chris’ gap/chip/whatever in his front teeth were the result of some dare. Based on a story from my childhood where we all dared a kid on my bus to lick the frozen bus window, and the bus jerked and he smashed his face on it and lost a tooth. Luckily irl it was a baby tooth but like that seems like a very Chris thing to happen even tho im sure its actually just genetic (also Brian if youre out there im sorry i laughed at you when you lost your tooth and im also sorry i stole your holographic staraptor pokemon card. id still have it if it wasnt for that miserable little troll bastard down the street who then stole it from ME a few years later. poetic justice i guess)

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

*cracks knuckles* i was born for this

Dan’s never slept a full night in his entire adult life, and has terrible nightmares constantly. His hypervigilance directly comes from his awful childhood, and Chris is his one single source of stability where most well adjusted people would have an entire complex system of friends and family to rely on. Chris is his ‘safe’ person -which I think is primarily an anxiety term but oh boy trust me is it a post traumatic thing also- The two have fundamentally different outlooks on the world and relationships, so theirs is pretty complicated, with Chris not actually realizing that despite the poor treatment, Dan has him on a pedestal in his mind that no one else has ever been privy to before. He has a damn shitty way of showing affection, but its revealed through his constant dependency on Chris and Chris alone that he holds him in incredibly high regards and would likely be devastated into complete nonfunctionality without him around. 

Chris has some self esteem issues with this and how it relates to his perceived importance in the lives of his loved ones. With Elise as well, he feels overshadowed by her talent and dependability, not realizing he’s the rock keeping both her and Dan grounded and relatively happy. Elise however is way better at communicating how much she loves Chris and genuinely both needs and wants him around. Also, I believe that Dan’s insane plots are some sort of an appeal to Chris in an outdated way- when they were younger they used to make those crazy plans together, as evidenced by the camp episode and mentioned a few times in passing (there was some line that stuck out to me in the gym ep along the lines of lets do it like old times, come up with a plan together) in Dan’s disconnected mind, he’s still in the past where Elise was never a participant in their lives and Chris and him were still immature and carefree, just the two of them against the world. In a misguided way, he thinks he’s inviting Chris to something fun and nostalgic every time he drags him along for something insane, not realizing in cases like the camp episode they were in the right and forced to fight back against something, and that stretching small grievances into huge meltdowns is an issue, the opposite of what would appeal to Chris now in his adulthood. Part of him is worried about him and that old bond being left behind if he doesn’t keep that very specific set of circumstances going. 

that got too long and psychoanalyzey lets move on HKDAUSL

D: would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

TRANS TRANS TRANS T

this isnt as much a headcanon as an observation but dan has powerful new yorker energy (to me, the new yorker who never shuts up about new yorking). he just checks off a lot of the stereotypes and i wouldnt be surprised if the two of them had grown up around here instead of always living in cali like is canon. he checks all the boxes, rude, loud, opinionated, impatient, cant drive but complains about every other driver on the road, snobby in a weird despite living in a shithole apartment in a cesspool neighborhood, confrontational with complete strangers, colorful aggressive language, the whole thing. ive found personally that whenever im far enough out of state it is PAINFULLY obvious im from new york, given how im just naturally more aggressive in my speaking and mannerism completely unintentionally. Like, ive got a sailors mouth, i complain REAL hyperbolically, and until i noticed it it genuinley put people off who werent used to it HDUSALAS its just. the norm here. im not as angry as i sound lmfao i just talk real aggressive which is v dan

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Switch (Pt.2)

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Patton never really knew much about his past, well, the changeling part of it at least. In fact, he didnt even know that's what he was. He just knew that his ears were to big and his eyes were to bright and if he didnt stop smiling people would ask questions that he really didnt want to answer.

He knew who couldnt sing or dance outside of his treehouse, because when he did, people started acting very odd.

He knew that things were to loud for him, to loud, to bright, with to many other variables. He hated middle school for taking away recess, outside was the only place that didnt make him feel like a walking nightmare.

"Patton? Do you want to borrow my headphones?" Patton was snapped out of his reminiscing by a soft tap on his shoulder.

"But Logie dont you need those?" Patton replied.

"You cant wear your hoodie inside here, you need them more than me, I know how you get when your ears are visible," Logan said, taking the headphones off his own ears and handing them over. Patton stared for a few seconds before finally accepting the offer and situating them over his own ears.

"Thanks Logie," Patton said quietly, barely able to hear himself.

"Let's go get our schedules before homeroom starts yeah?" Logan said, ruffling Patton's hair.

"Oh yeah- I forgot about those," Patton said, giggling slightly. He stumbled slightly as someone else rushed past him, looking up to see who it was, he was met with something far different than expected.

"So sorry! I didnt see you-" said the boy. He had hair nearly as red as roses, which contrasted with his dark brown skin, which Patton noticed was marked with patches of lighter colors. His eyes were a dark green, almost like moss in a dense forest. Patton thought he looked like a dryad.

"Its alright- you didnt mean to-" Patton said, giggling slightly.

"Do you uh- have a name?" Said the boy, his face turned a noticeably darker shade.

"You can call me Patton," Patton replied, smiling.

"I'm Roman- my friends call me Ro-" Roman said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"And I'm Logan and we have a class to be in," Logan said, hurriedly grabbing Patton by the arm and rushing inside.

"Logie! I was talking!" Patton said, pouting slightly.

"I saw the face you were making, you just met him you disaster of a homosexual," Logan said.

"Well- you're a disaster to!" Patton said defensively.

"I dont fall in love nearly as easily as you Pat," Logan said, picking at a loose thread on his sweater.

"Let's just get our schedules," Patton said, not quite looking at his brother. Logan gave him a small smile before walking up to the row of papers lined on the wall that would give them their homerooms.

"We've got the same homeroom!" Patton said, excitedly pointing at a sheet of paper with the teacher name Mrs. Kitsune.

"That's good," Logan said with a grin. The pair of them walked to the class, Patton running his hands through the flowers in the school garden as they passed.

Mrs. Kitsune seemed a little above Patton's height, with thick silvery hair held back by a white headband and icy blue eyes. Patton thought she looked nice. But what really caught his attention was the back of the room, where Roman sat with a boy with messy black hair, which had a shockingly bright white streak down the center of it, and the beginnings of a mustache.

"Oh hey Patton! This is my brother Remus-" Roman said, gesturing to the boy sitting on the table.

"Oh this is the cute guy you were talking about? Ro if I didnt know any better I'd say you were purposely down playing him so I wouldnt take him for myself," Remus said, cackling. Patton's face flushed a deep shade of pink, which only served to enhance Remus' fit of laughter.

"Oh there you are Logie!" Patton said, grabbing Logan's arm and pulling him over to sit at the table in front of the twins.

"So what year are you guys in?" Roman asked.

"Both freshmen!" Patton said, leaning his head on his crossed arms.

"Remus and I are sophmores," Roman said, smiling.

"So you've already been here a year then? How good would you say their knowledge on neurodivergent kids is?" Logan said, Patton felt the excitement in his chest drop like a bolder.

"Its actually not to shabby! Teachers are required to take classes in conflict de-escalation and know the signs of stuff like panic attacks, dissociation, meltdowns, all that fun stuff," Remus said.

"And they're very attuned to physical disabilities, of course," Roman said, gesturing slightly to his leg, which Patton now realized was in fact, not made of skin.

"Wooooaaahhhh," Patton said quietly, looking over the sketches of what seemed to be sharpie along the prosthetic.

"Did all the artwork myself," Roman said, smiling. Remus elbowed him slightly.

"Ok, Remus did the roses," Roman said, laughing slightly.

"Yeah that's what I thought," Remus cackled.

"Its very pretty," Patton said, giggling. Logan rolled his eyes.

"Awe c'mon specs, hes just paying a compliment," Remus said.

"I'm aware," Logan said, unable to hide the slight grin on his face despite his exasperation.

They talked for a little while longer before their schedules were set on the tables.

"Hey wait a minute- how come you've only got electives?" Roman said, looking over Patton's schedule to see if they had any matching classes.

"Oh, I do all my core classes over summer," Patton said, looking away slightly.

"That's an option?" Remus said, looking bewildered.

"You have to talk to the counselor about it," Logan said.

"Oooohhhhhhh," Remus replied, looking at his hands.

"We dont really- like- talking to the counselors," Roman said.

"Me neither," Patton replied. They remained silent for a few more minutes before Logan let our a fairly loud sneeze, causing the other three to burst into laughter.

"Well it looks like you've got Astrology with Remus and Logan, gym with Remus and Theatre with me, so that should be fun," Roman said as they were about to leave.

"Yeah, I think it will," Patton said, now feeling much more confident about how his day was going to go.

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@thefivecalls

@willowaudreykeyes

@pricklyfish777

@the-sad-strawberry

@extercs-experiences

@teamplutoforlife

@melodiread

@meowthefluffy

@frawkeye

@cemmy

@nerosdayinhell

@thecolorfulolive

@frog-candy-bee

@mikalya12

[thelittledeformednut]

U: I don’t do tag games I don’t want people to Know Me too much U: posts IDENTITY ASKS Anyway 3, 5, 11 blease?? <3

omg i cant believe im getting CALLED OUT in my first ever ask 😭😭 too bad id rather become a victim of identity theft than actually study 😌

3. list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

pretty much only pjo. hmm probably annabeth... i did spend most of my childhood acting like i was all Logic and Reason™ only to then act purely on impulse and have emotional meltdowns ✌ also i get the feeling shes super competitive at pretty much meaningless games and i once got so excited that i was about to win at uno that i actually smashed through a chair and folded up in half - like to the point where i could lick my knees - in the hole i created... my family had to pull me out and get a whole new set of chairs to prevent it from happening again but at least i won the game

5. do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?

being, definitely being. i do too much that contradicts what i say i do or wanna do to identify myself by the things i end up doing lol

11. describe your ideal day.

waking up late. but not too late cuz i like breakfast. since this is an ideal day id get omelettes. i do love most egg dishes but omelettes are something else entirely. id go catch a movie in the theatres, one ive been dying to see for forever. id pay for the normal seats but then sneak into the rich people section. theyve got some proper comfy chairs there. probably grab lunch by myself cuz i do like my solitude. then id head home and id actually get some work done cuz theres no way im procrastinating on my ideal day. dinner im not too fussy about, pasta is something i can never get tired of. after that, id go over to a friends for drinks. there wouldnt be too many people but there also be a decent crowd, so we get to actually interact with each other and get drunk together. but not too drunk either, a nice buzz, where i know i wont lose my phone again, but also drunk enough that i cant get through telling a funny story without cracking up myself. we'd then head out to this club where they practically only play 2000s pop punk and emo shit, and we can all get emotional to the dj playing wake me up when september ends bcos its not a good night until we jam to a song written about/for the singers dead father. also im a big green day fan so. we'd dance to our feet hurt and our backs ache bcos we're no longer 18 and we'd go get some overpriced late night food at the local chippie but cuz im friends with the server he sometimes gives me a discount. my friends wanna go home but its 4am and i no longer care so i talk their ears off about whatever pseudo intellectual crap comes across my mind in the early hours of the morning. my friends tease me about the 1000+ word review i once wrote for mr beans holiday so when i do finally get home, ill put that on and fall asleep to the gorgeous shots of french scenery

identity asks

[sunflowrlouis]

HELLO! I’ve been tagged in some posts like this and they inspired me to do one of my own. Honestly, 2019 was the most shit year of my life, those close to me know how fucking hard this year has been on a very personal level. However, this made me grow as a person and learn so so many things. SO! I want to thank the people that made this year way more bearable (also pls enjoy my paint-made header, i worked really hard on it skfjfv) (i didn’t)

im gonna put this under a read more bc i talk too much k, sorry

@emohl - MERY! We started off this year by going to eat tacos and never looking back. It’s honestly hard for me to believe its only been one year of knowing each other? It feels like you’ve been by my side for my whole life. There’s so many things to thank you for. Thank you for spoiling me rotten every time we go out, for always listening to me whether its me complaining or gushing about my crush or just talking shit bc its fun. Thank you for cheering me on always. Specially in the moments where i want to give up, you’re always there believing I can do it. You’ve become one of my greatest bestest friends in the whole world, and I hope 2020 brings us soooo many more adventures (I know it will) and I can keep on making you laugh for lots and lots of years. I LOVE YOU

@kissyhl - aspen, my twin flame 🥺 I? LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! bitch i cannot believe we “met” in april, like bro what the actual fuck that’s not possible. Finding you this year has been the greatest thing ever. I never imagined I would’ve found someone so similar yet so different as me. You are my favorite person to talk to and I just :(( wanna hug you so bad. Thank you for putting up with me this year, for listening me talk on and on about my multiple crushes this year lmaoooo, thanks for all the ~advice, even though we are both dumb and will prefer to have a meltdown than follow it fjrbdn Thank you for all those playlists i harrassed you into making me hehe i love ur country ass. I hope 2020 is the year where my pit stop includes visiting you in the land of corn and nothing. Here’s to more years freaking people out bc we say the same things at the same time! YEEHAW! Count all of the stars and add one more, because thats how much i love you.

@ the loves of my LIFE dnd: @tomlinsun @canyonemoon @ltyear @rosesau @queersue @2ofusmp4 @godisalarrie @phoenixvinyl @tattooedlovers @louislegend @givemewalls @emohl @curlyhairedprince @sunflowrsix @onmeown @kissyhl where to start with y’all… honestly this year was a fucking mess for most if not all of us. through personal shit, to tumblr drama, to inner disagreements… we always have made it through, and that’s what matters, you all are the light of my life, even though i was a bit absent on the last few months of the year due to school, having the constant notifications always made me smile. i can’t thank you enough for everything. you are my best friends and i wouldnt be happier to share my life with you.

@lt2019 - pam, i know you’re not very active here anymore but i couldnt post this without mentioning you. you have no idea how much i love having you closer to home now, even though we don’t see each other as often. knowing you’re around somewhere is amazing. Thank you for encouraging me into doing cray things such as driving all the way to the city to see our boys in the middle of the week. can’t wait to make more memories with you, i love you so so so much!

@nauticallyrics - LIZ! reconnecting with you this year has been… incredible! you’re one of the very first friends i made in this website and i love that we found each other again! I love you! maybe 2020 will bring me to prague to visit you! who knows!

@niallacoustic - jeanne! i know you’re not as active here anymore either but i have to mention you. getting to know you this year has meant everything. i love how we can talk about everything and not get bored. thank you for always cheering on me and sending me pics of bubble kdfjn i hope we get to hang out and buy tons of plushies next year!! I know that all your dreams are gonna come true bc you deserve the world. you are a great person and an even better friend. i love you to the moon and back

@ larries en mexico gc! - @angelharry @emohl @half-lightl @justlarryokk @fforever-dreaming @nouies @rainbowscouple we’ve just started getting to know each other but i already love you all! la neta no sé por qué les escribo en ingles pero bueno, me hacen reír muchisimo y no puedo esperar para conocernos y ver a Louis en Mayo🥺 (y comer muchas chacharas como tamales fritos) you all deserve the world!

if you are reading this, first of all thank you and if we’re mutuals pls know i appreciate you for putting content on my dash! here’s to more 1d content for the next decade.

love you lots,

mari

ps. i still love cheese

[and-i-uh]

6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?

6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.

22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)

2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it

3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.

4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.

Pros-

(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.

(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.

(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself

Cons-

(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.

(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah

(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.

7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.

8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.

10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.

12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.

(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)

15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either

16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops

18- introverted?

19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.

20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.

21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.

23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.

While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol

24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.

[let-it-raines]

I was reading this "ex prompt list" and while I want you to write all of them, I really liked this one: "You talk about me in your new song and I get mad over it, so I’m standing outside your apartment door to argue, only to see you open the door half naked." Thank you, darling! You're a gift!

She’s on her way home from work when she hears it. Listening to the radio isn’t something she does, not anymore, but her car can’t connect to her phone’s Bluetooth and she forgot the aux cord, so it was either the radio or silence.

She probably should have stayed in silence.

Because for the first time in three months, for the first time since she was in Target and heard one of his songs over the speakers, she hears his voice.

And she hates it.

But she apparently hates herself a little bit more because she doesn’t change the station or turn the radio off. She doesn’t recognize the opening chords to this song. She recognizes the chords to every song. She knows all of the lyrics, all of the rifts and pauses. She knows everything.

But she doesn’t know this one.

It’s quiet, sullen, the usually prominent instruments muted in the background so that his voice comes through as clearly as possible. It takes her thirty seconds and two references of a swan flying away – really subtle there, Jones – for her to realize that the song is about her. She has to pull over to the side of the road, making several different cars blare their horns at her, but she can’t…she can’t listen to this while driving. She can’t hear him sing a song that’s clearly about their break up. She has to listen, but she can’t do anything else.

She can barely breathe.

He sounds broken. But she knows that’s on purpose. He records those songs a million times over, until he gets them exactly how he wants them to be, so she knows that he’s manufactured it this way. She’s watched him record enough songs to know how things work.

How dare he do this.

How dare he put their private life out there for anyone with ears to hear.

Hot tears sting behind her eyes, and she has to bury her face in her hands while her throat constricts, emotion lodging itself there and making her feel as if she has to vomit. Or as if she can’t breathe. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know anything.

All she knows is that she misses him. She misses Killian.

But right now she hates him for making her relive their breakup, for making her relive the agony that was the weeks and months of separation that inevitably led them to walking away from each other.

Or maybe it was her.

She’s not sure. If anything, it’s all a blur of tears and alcohol, sobs wracking her body while she was unable to feel anything but pain. She’d waited so long to find someone who understood her, who wanted to be with her with no reservations, who wouldn’t leave. But then he had left. It had been for work. She knows this. She understands this. Despite everything, she wants nothing more than for him to be happy and to follow his dreams. She just wishes it didn’t come at the expense of them.

She just wishes she’d been strong enough to handle the months of separation and the way that their schedules never matched up, the way that they were constantly missing each other when they tried to call.

The song ends and immediately something happy, upbeat plays through her speakers. She’s having some kind of meltdown on the side of the road, and the world keeps going by. Cars continue to drive by, shaking her bug with their momentum, and the song that’s about one of the worst periods of her life is quickly forgotten and replaced by something about…dancing in a club. It’s literally just about dancing.

She lets out a watery chuckle, the emotion that was lodged in her throat clearing the slightest bit so that she can breathe. Was she not breathing? She might not have been breathing.

Now that she can breathe again, she inhales, sucking her chest in before letting out a gush of air in an attempt to calm herself. In her review mirror she can see that her face is red and splotchy, that her eyes are still watery, and she has to wipe away the snot that’s formed at her nose.

It’s as she’s rubbing her eyes, trying to clear her vision, that all of the sadness starts to twist, transforming into something else entirely. She’s pissed. Absolutely pissed. And she can’t help but think of her earlier thoughts when the song first started playing.

How dare he do this to her.

How dare he write that song and put it on the radio.

Before she knows it, she’s putting her car in drive, looking over her shoulder to make sure the road is clear, before she’s pulling off of the dirt and onto the pavement, speeding down the road in the direction of Killian’s apartment instead of toward hers, driving in the direction of the place where she lived for so long. She knows he’s home, that he’s in town. And she only knows this because David still talks to him, still talks about him, and she overheard David talking to Mary Margaret about Killian being home for the next few weeks and how they’re going to go out for a pint to catch up.

She knows the path to his apartment better than she knows the path to her own, a right here followed by another until it’s a straight shot to the parking garage underneath his building. She still has her sticker, the one that lets her inside. She never could get the damn thing off.

But now it’s useful as she pulls into an empty guest space, hastily getting out of the car and slamming the door shut as she makes her way over to the elevator, hoping that the code hasn’t changed and she can still get inside. It’s only two minutes before she’s standing in front of his door, the momentum and adrenaline propelling her hand forward until she’s banging on the wood so roughly that her hand might actually hurt.

She hurts.

Every bit of anger, of malice, of disappointment that she has is on the tip of her tongue, posed to be spit at him as soon as she sees him, but then the door is swung open and she sees him for the first time in…shit. It’s been five months. It’s been three months since she heard his voice in Target, but it’s been five months since she’s seen him.

And he’s now standing in front of her with his hair damply falling across his forehead, water trailing down the hair of his chest, and the words of his tattoo peeking up over the white towel he has slung across his hip.

Fuck.

She doesn’t have any other words, especially as his fists clench and the muscles in his arms strain while his jaw ticks. He’d look surprised when she first showed up, his lips parting before closing, almost as if he had something he wanted to say. But now he looks angry, a storm raging behind his eyes, and all she can think about is the time that they went to Bermuda for their anniversary and spent the entire week either in bathing suits, a towel, or nothing at all.

“What are you doing here, Swan?”

There’s no anger in his voice though. It’s calm, even, and it’s that fact that gets her back on track. He sounded broken in the song. He’s obviously not broken like she is.

“How dare you write that song,” she spits, trying to keep her voice just as steady, knowing that she’s failing. “You just put our life, my life, out there for everyone to hear.”

“No one knows it’s about you.”

“I do! I know! Our friends know! Everybody goddamn knows! I’m driving down the road on my way home from work, trying to live my life, trying to move on, and I just have everything that I’m trying to forget thrown back in my face like that.”

“Love – ”

“Don’t call me that,” she cries, hating how her voice cracks. She shouldn’t have done this. She shouldn’t have come. She should have never let her emotions drive her, but that’s always what’s she’s done. She’s never been one to be able to hold back when she really feels. “I am not your love. You’ve made that very clear.”“Swan,” he grits, crossing his arms over his heaving chest, “if you want to yell at me, come inside. I have neighbors, and I don’t think we want them witnessing this.”

She huffs, disbelief that he’s actually inviting her inside so that she can continue this emotional breakdown, but her feet still carry her inside, her eyes glancing over the apartment the moment she gets inside. It all looks exactly the same.

She hates that it all looks the same.

Something should have changed.

All of her stuff is gone.

She’s gone.

Something should have changed.

She turns around to look back at Killian, who’s locking the door behind him before running his hands through his damp hair, pushing it back on his forehead, before he’s rubbing his fingers over his scruff. She hates how good he looks almost as much as she hates that that’s what she’s focusing on.

“Why are you here?” he sighs, the indignation he had replaced with acceptance. “The song? You’re mad about the song?”

“Of course I’m mad about the song. How could I not be? Have you heard it?”

“I wrote it. And in case you’ve forgotten, I have dozens of other songs about you, nearly every one of them on a record somewhere. You never seemed pissed about those then.”

“We weren’t broken up then.”“Well whose bloody fault is that? Because it’s not mine. I didn’t want to break up.”

“You think I wanted to break up?” she screams, not caring about staying calm while her entire body heats, her skin feeling overly warm and her head throbbing while her heart pounds. “You think I wanted to be having breakdowns on the side of the road because I can’t handle reliving parts of our relationship. You think I wanted to be the girl who sat at home and cried every time you didn’t pick up the phone? Every time you had to go one minute into our conversation? Every time I went out with my friends and heard your voice on the speakers at a bar when I hadn’t actually heard your voice in days? You think I wanted that?”

She can’t…she can’t breathe again, her heart beating far too quickly in her chest. This isn’t healthy. This isn’t good. She needs…she needs to sit down. So she does, collapsing to the ground and resting her back against his hallway wall while she wraps her arms around her knees and lets herself have another breakdown.

Who the hell needs dignity?

“Emma,” Killian sighs, and that only makes things worse. He never calls her Emma, not unless something is important, and she hates herself for this entire situation. She hates that he is able to still have this power over her, that she still loves him so much that she can’t fathom the fact that she’s not with him.

“Emma,” he repeats, kneeling down next to her, his towel opening as he squats, which really doesn’t help the situation at all. “Are you okay?”

“Do you think I’m okay?”

“No.” His thumb reaches up and wipes away the tears on her cheek. That’s the first time she’s felt his touch in five months too. And it’s also what makes her look up to see that he’s got a tear falling onto his cheek too. “I’m sorry, lo – Swan. I’m sorry that you heard the song and that it hurt you.”

“Why’d you write it then? You had to know that I’d hear it eventually.”

“Because I hurt too. Music is how I deal with things. You know this. You’ve always known this. And how the hell else am I supposed to deal with my heartbreak?”

“By writing the damn song and then not putting it on the radio.”

“I had to fulfill my contract. I had to release a new single.”

“Don’t you have another one? One that’s not about us?”

“No.”

She sighs, leaning her head back against the wall and tightly closing her eyes all while she physically aches. She aches for them to be back to normal, aches for this to not be happening anymore. She should have never come here.

“How long are you home?”

“What?” he stutters, his voice visibly shaken.

She opens her eyes and looks back at him, attempting to even her breaths. “How long are you home this time? How long until you have to leave again?”

“A few weeks. I’ve got to go back and meet with the guys for a couple of days at the end of September.”

She doesn’t know why she does what she does next, but before she can stop herself, before she can think straight, she leans forward and slides her lips over his in a harsh, demanding kiss. Her hands are in his hair in an instant, using the soft strands to tug him closer, and his hands find her face, the warmth and roughness of the pads of his fingers holding her to him as well. It’s like being connected, like being right, after so many months of not feeling like herself, of feeling like something in her life is off kilter.

Like something is wrong.

She doesn’t care that they shouldn’t be doing this. She doesn’t care that she shouldn’t be pushing Killian against the floor, the hardwood uncomfortable under her knees, and she doesn’t care that she’s losing her mind over the way that Killian’s groaning into her mouth and thrusting his hips up against hers, the towel doing nothing to hide his arousal.

And she really doesn’t care when they stumble away from the entrance of his apartment and fall back into his bedroom, quickly and surely moving against each other in the way that they always have. He feels good, fantastic, and she knows she should never be thinking about she and Killian together when they’re very obviously having a relapse, a collapse back into the them they used to be.

So she doesn’t say anything, doesn’t let herself not enjoy this, but she can’t speak, she can’t return Killian’s words of ecstasy and affection while he moves inside of her and above her. She simply falls into how good, how right, this feels, and figures that she’ll…she’ll figure it all out later.

It turns out when later comes that she’s still not ready to figure it out. She still doesn’t know what to do. Instead of getting up and leaving when they were finished, she didn’t. She stayed. She’s not sure that she had the strength to leave, that she even wanted to, so now she’s wrapped up in one of Killian’s sweaters while her legs are stuck in between his and his hands are trailing through her hair. She feels his heartbeat under her palm, the slow rise and fall of his chest a rhythm that she knows better than any other.

A rhythm that she knows better than any song he’s ever written.

“Sex doesn’t solve our problems, Swan. You know that, right?”

“I know,” she confesses, snuggling closer to him despite everything. “I don’t…we shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t even still be here. I’m not sure what came over me, over us.”“A hell of a lot of emotions.” She feels his lips against her forehead, the sweat that’s gathered there being pushed away. “We’ve got…there’s a lot left between us, love. There was never anything wrong between us, I don’t think. I just wasn’t there.”

“That’s kind of what went wrong. You can’t be in a relationship without being there.”

“But it’s not us. It was the distance, my job.”

“Which is your dream.”

“Aye, it was my dream,” he confirms softly, running his fingers through her hair and down her back. “It is my dream. But I should have never let it come between us. You’ve been my life for half a decade. You have been there for absolutely everything, and I should have tried harder, should have done more.”

“I don’t think there was anything either of us could have done.”

“I could have made more time to call. I could have scheduled breaks between cities. I could have booked a flight for me, for you. I could have done so much to save us, to make you feel less alone.”

“Killian, this isn’t all on you.”

“No, no, it’s not, but I’ve had five months of living alone, even when I wasn’t here, to think about all of the things I could have changed.”

“Me too,” she sighs, lifting her head from his chest and untangling her legs before she moves to the other side of the bed, putting distance between them all the while Killian rubs his hand up and down his face trying to work out the stress lines. “I don’t…I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t either. Do you even want to try again? Or are we chalking this up to a one-time thing? To a fallback?”

For the first time since she’s shown up here, he sounds as broken as he did during the song. He sounds like she feels, like there’s something missing, something just out of reach. He sounds…he doesn’t sound like Killian. Not the one that she knew. Not the one who woke her up in the mornings with a smile on his face and laughter in his eyes. Not the one who sang while he cooked, often burning the food because he would start writing down the beginnings of a song.

He doesn’t sound like the man who loved her.

The man who she loves.

“I don’t want it to be that,” she answers honestly, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees. “But I can’t go back to how we were…what do you want?”

“You.”

A shiver runs down her spine, gooseflesh popping up on her skin.

“That’s all. You just want me?”

“Always, Emma,” he promises, his lips ticking up on the right and the lines around his eyes crinkling while his tongue clicks. “But you’re right. We can’t…I can’t leave like that. I can’t do things just for me without considering you. And you can’t let me just do it and say that things are okay.”

“I kind of figured you knew things weren’t okay.”

“You’ve never lied to me, so I didn’t expect it then. I always believed the words that you said.”

“So what are we doing, Killian? What do we do?”

He shrugs, sitting up against the headboard. “We try again. We make compromises. We do better. For ourselves. For each other. And maybe I don’t put a song out without letting you know.”She smiles, the first genuine smile without heartbreak hidden behind it, for the first time today. Maybe for the first time in months.

“I’d like that.”

It takes more than one day for things to get back to normal. It takes weeks, months really. Killian was a constant part of her life for five years, but after nearly half a year apart, things don’t simply snap back. Trust has to be rebuilt, routines have to become routine again, and she has to learn that things are never going to be perfect and that compromise is a hell of a lot harder than simply saying the word. You actually have to break and bend, give and give up, but it’s worth it if you want to make things work.

She wants to make things work.

Killian does too.

And the next time she hears a song on the radio that’s about her, Killian’s voice isn’t broken. And neither is her heart.

[systemfaker]

saw a post that made me want to rant about something that happened like fuckin ages ago but is still upsetting to me and im on mobile so i cant put it under a read more so that sucks for yall.

back when i was still Being Traumatized and therefore way more psychotic i had a fuckin meltdown over one of my friends phrasing an answer to a question badly. someone asked “whats wrong with satanists” and something about the friends answer convinced my shitbrain that they were claiming to be a satanist so naturally i freaked out

instead of like.. understanding that traumatized psychotic people Might Freak Out, this friend decided its cool and fun to mock me so they and some ex friends and a bunch of their shitty edgy friends thought hey this looks fun

so basically my alters ex kept making jokes about how scared i was and “oh u got it look theres a big worldwide satanic conspiracy h uncovered” (which, like, i have whole other thoughts on that and how its not funny to joke about) and specifically got into cults to upset me including kinning a cult leader and another one jokes “i should become a satanist to make him leave me alone” even though the only time i acknowledged them at all was when someone came to me and told me they were talking about me or going through my blog

complete strangers were weighing in on my panic and delusions and joking about how i was totally right and they were a cult then debating if i was faking it because a Real Psycho wouldnt be able to function outside of a goddamn asylum never mind the fact that i dont have many episodes

and because the original friend was muslim of course they decided to twist the narrative to “hey daves calling muslims satanic and of course everyones believing him!” which like? no?? it was just you and literally nobody believed me

shit got to the point where other alters stepped up to take over hosting while i got over my Big Psycho and it was really depressing to read messages from that week because literally the only thing anyone asked was “hey when is dave coming out to apologize for all of this? can you get dave?” and they had to keep explaining that no, hes not allowed out right now, he nearly broke his hand when he had a panic attack in the fridge at work because he saw the number 666 written on a piece of paper and thought that meant that his place of employment was being targeted, he needs to calm down and work through this before we can do anything else. it was one of the first times ive ever seen our caretaker alter dude actually get mad at anyone

like to this day thats made me scared to tell anyone if im struggling with reality. i can joke about shit from the past but if i have even the slightest doubt about my present beliefs or perceptions? nah im locking that shit up til i can be absolutely sure whether its true or not

[jising-jisang-jisung]

I Don't Want to Remember You | Zhong Chenle

Word count: 1,242

A/n: this is basically my first time writing angst sorry if it sucks but this is kinda exactly what is going on in my life right now lol :).

At the worst time of your life you met Chenle. He was so bright, always there for you with smiles. Sure he was a year younger but he was still your best friend. If it hadnt been for the dolphin of a boy you dont know how you would've gotten through 8th grade oof. But that was long ago. You two had changed so much since middle school.

Freshman year was weird since Chenle was still in 8th grade, being that he is a year younger. Despite no longer having music together, yall would hang like every weekend. You were always at the Zhong household playing with his little brother and losing to Chenle at Mario Kart. Neither of you had a worry in the world. So you both didn't see what was coming.

Sophomore year was pretty great. Minus the fat crush you developed for your best friend. You knew he used to like you, but it seemed like that was over. Still, when he asked you to the haunted house, you couldnt refuse. It was soooo cold out even though is was only October and you hated haunted houses so that didnt help your shaking. The entire night you held onto Chenle for dear life. He always asked if you were alright behind him becasue your death grip on his waist was kinda hurting, even through his puffy coat. All of this was worth it when you became his girlfriend that night. Who knew that he liked you back?!

This was your first relationship so it was really awkward. It didnt help that you were always busy with sports. All in all you still had never been on a date and it's almost Christmas. It's not that you dont like Chenle, but the whole couple thing is just,, off. It has been almost 2 months and yall havent been on a date, held hands, kissed. Nothing. This is when you started to feel exhausted by the "relationship" if you could call it that.

Winter break was quickly approaching and you knew you wanted to break up. But how could you break your best friend's heart right before Christmas. So you held all of your worries in. That's when you remembered that theres a winter dance right after break and you did NOT want to go with your boyfriend. You knew what you had to do.

You didnt deserve to feel so emotionally exhausted by this failed relationship. And you didn't deserve Chenle. And Chenle didn't deserve you hiding your true feelings about being his girlfriend. You hated yourself for it and yet, you still texted him saying you were breaking up with him. You texted him. You were the worst.

This was right after Christmas so you still had a week or so before you'd have to see the boy at school again, sitting right next to you in music. Maybe you could switch seats with someone. He probably never even wants to see you again let alone sit by you. At least, so you thought.

On the first day back from break you both sat down in class together. To your surprise, it was just like before: you joked, Chenle screeched, and you were friends. Good friends. Nothing would tear you two apart. Even when you had to drop music to pick up an additional AP course, Chenle was there for you after school and on weekends. He really was the best, wasnt he?

Flash forward to summer when you started to hear and see less of him. Why was he so distant? Where is your boy? Maybe you were just drifting a little. That happens in high school. Things will be fine when you pick up school again and make your silly faces at each other in the hallways. Everything would be fine.

Your face lit up as you saw him, standing at his locker just down like 20 from yours. You made the same silly face and gesture at him as always but Chenle just walked away. What was happening? You followed him with your eyes to see a senior girl practically salivating over him. He was a sophomore and he was supposed to be your best friend. Who even is this chick? Little did you know that would be the last time he ever even looked at you.

You missed your old pal. You missed the memories of you two playing video games in his basement. You missed talking to his little brother who is the cutest 6 year old on the planet. You missed Chenle's laugh. His smile. His attention. It was gone forever. It was hers now.

On your birthday you received smiles and happy birthdays from everyone, even people who weren't your friends. Chenle hadnt texted you anything but surely he wouldnt ignore his ex best friend's birthday, right? On your way to lunch, you saw him. He was walking with her. He looked up at you. You knew he couldnt forget! To your surprise, he just looked back down and kept walking. Your breathing stopped. Then it started to quicken. You couldnt see through your tear filled eyes as you skipped lunch to hide in the bathroom that no one used.

In that empty bathroom you cried. You cried your eyes out. On your birthday. Alone. In a bathroom. After your meltdown you pretended everything was cheery for the rest of the school day. Only to go home and cry some more. In your room. Alone. On your birthday. You skipped dinner too.

You thought about the boy you loved. You would never have forgotten his birthday. You would never have ignored him. You hated Chenle. And you hated yourself for hating the boy you once loved.

After a while you remembered that you are: that bitch. And if Chenle doesnt want anything to do with you it's his loss because you are a delight, a fucking cinnamon apple. You didnt need his recognition to be the person you are. And with that, you forgot about Chenle. You forgot your prized memories. You forgot his little brother. You forgot you had ever been friends. Or at least, you forgot to remember these things.

You had cut him out of your life just as he had already done with you. You had healed over the open wound in your heart. You would be okay without Chenle. You would be okay.

When your life fell apart, so did your room. You decided it was time to clean it. At the bottom of your drawer, you found a folded piece of lined paper with a duck drawn on it. You instantly recall the silly duck gestures you give your best friend everytime you passed one another in the halls. And how he always called you duck. And vice versa. In the moment you made the worst decision possible and opened the note.

Happy birthday y/n! You might not be perfect, but you're perfect for me. My cute little duck.

Love, your cute little duck

You lost it. This was the note he gave you the year before. A.k.a. when you were a couple and he actually talked to you let alone remembered your birthday. Your healed wound bust open again. It would just have to scar because no matter how hard to tried, you couldnt forget about what once was. You didnt want to remember Chenle. But you could never forget him either.

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