#and i find myself forcing myself to speak and sometimes even having complete verbal shutdown

[titan-god-helios]

y’all. i fucking cannot. what is wrong with the world. can we just please. stop.

[sixspencenonethewiser-blog]

An open letter to the friends I have ghosted this past year despite your full support of my transition, and your acceptance and love for the person I am growing into.

Hey, Hello, Hi-ah, Ciao, Bonjour, Greetings and Salutations to my: friends, loved ones, S-team, squad and unicorns.

While many of you know, maybe I haven't exactly stated it plainly, I am eternally grateful to each and everyone of you who have stood by my cage and shouted nice things at me while I try to attack and eat all of you.

Thanks for still being here even with my selfish narcissistic behavior, though I may have acted from a place of hurt and fear, the way I spoke to and my actions towards many of you has not been healthy, mature or fair to any of you.

I recognize and sincerely apologize for any hurt my words or actions may have caused anyone within fallout distance of my mental breakdown.

To many of you harsh words lashed from my jaded defence mechanisms have made our communications difficult and strained, to which I would like to give my deepest apologies.

To those who I simply dropped off the map and left many of you confused and upset by my absence. I would like to extend my honest apology and hope the continued dedication to not make the same mistakes will help to begin to rebuild some of the friendships I pushed away, however I understand if I have lost your loyalty, I haven't been giving you any of mine and that is not a healthy relationship. I am sorry.

I wish I could stay in this dejected denial that the way I went about handling my social life as I shifted into Spence was done properly and neatly and it's simply everyone else who has caused the rift I now find in my life, however I can't ignore the small voice that keeps smacking the back of my head and telling me that 80% of the stress in my life has been caused by my own hand. I apologize for attempting to hold anyone else besides myself accountable for implosion of my life.

The thing is, most of you are correct. I have been a grade-A asshole. I wish this wasn't the case but unfortunately it is and there is a lot of lost trust and respect lost, which I understand. I cant hold a magnifying glass up to everyone else while refusing to look in the damned mirror.

The old adage "you point one finger and three more point back at you" was something I hoped I could brush off and not acknowledge, but much like a leaking pipe in the basement, I cant simply shut the door and pretend I am not building a swimming pool in my foundations.

I hate to be cliche, but I now realize that it isn’t you, it's me. For those of you have tried your hardest to embrace all the demands and changes I sprung upon you only to be met with attitude and baring teeth. My quick to snap anger was towards myself and projected at you unfairly. I hope I can apologize and begin to understand the ways my words and actions have negatively affected you. I apologize.

For the ones whom I have simply been a series of posts on social media and a blank, missing piece, know that my distance was my own fear and awkwardness and not for anything you may be worried you have done to offend me. I am simply struggling within myself on how to approach people who knew me "before". I apologize for being an awkward ghost floating through your lives, I am working on building my self confidence in who I was being still a part of who I am. I hope you will allow me another chance to let me introduce you to the real me. I hope to not disappoint. I am sorry if I made you feel like your support was unwanted or unnoticed. That is not the case at all.

To my tribe, you magnificent, selfless, genuine humans. I am so proud to have you all as a part of my story and a part of my journey. I am eternally grateful for the various rolls you have all played in my life, from forcing me to leave my cave, to listening to my word diarrhea and unbridled rage. From the phone calls, messages and words of encouragement, to the people who have glued my broken pieces back together even with your torn and bloody fingers. I apologize for being so jagged.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank all of you. From the deepest parts of my heart that is growing two sizes as all of you continue to stand by my bonfire and sing your songs of kindness and compassion.

I know for some I have done irreparable damage  to the foundation of our connection and I can only hope to understand and change my behaviour to not make the same mistakes again and I hope some day we can meet as completely new humans and the past will be a scar that we can speak openly about. I apologize for my insensitivity towards your feelings and the efforts that you have all put towards me while my response has been nothing short of cruel. I am truly sorry for betraying your respect and making you feel any less amazing than you really are.

I know I am not perfect, I know I am flawed. I have my issues, struggles and scars. I spent quite a bit of time wallowing in the bottom of my hole, despite several people's best and most well intended help. I hope that you can accept my penance for the way you have all been treated by me and my demons. I hope one day the thought of me won't be as painful.

I am still learning, still making mistakes and selfishly snapping without thinking and it is inevitable that I have recently and more than likely will do again in the future, however I want you to know that I am conscientiously working to recognize where I have been wrong and if amends cannot be made I am trying to not make the same mistakes again. I am healing and growing up more every day and I sincerely apologize for the nasty mess version of Spence who wanted everyone to feel as awful and awkward as I was feeling. I realize that my behaviour was selfish, rude, unfeeling, and with little regard for how it has impacted all of you.

I am working to learn better skills when dealing with my anxiety and mental illness triggers that send me into either a fight mode and force me to attack like a rabid raccoon, the triggers that send my freeze mode into overdrive shutdown mode and the ones that simply make me disappear without a second word. It's a difficult battle, sometimes I catch myself before I start throwing emotional poop like a savage monkey, but sometimes it gets the better of me and I don't have control. I apologize to anyone who has been a part of any of these states of my being as this is not who I am, who I want to be or how I want to handle my life and the people who choose to be in it.

Thank you for the opportunity to be myself. Thank you for giving me the space to sort myself. Thank you for being my verbal sparring partners and my punching bags. I freaking love every single one of you stunning, valiant, brave, tinfoil wrapped knights that I wouldn't trade for the universe. It isn't easy to play nice with a raging dragon but I am so glad that each of you continue to attempt to soothe me from burning your villages to the ground. Thank you for standing with me while I put my blinders on and pretended I was alone.

Words will never do justice to just how indebted I am to each of your personal sacrifices and supports while I continue to pull myself from the swamps of sadness. Your positive thoughts and words of encouragement are what keep the thick mud from sucking me under. Your ropes around my waste and burns in your hands are noticed and deeply appreciated. You are incredible people.

I love you all so very much. I hope that we can move forward from here, a new bright day ahead of us. Thank all of you for being my hope when I had none. I am getting better each day and I wouldn't have had the courage to get this far on my own.

With an open and apologetic heart,

Much love and peace,

Spence.

End of An Era- Marianas Trench

"If we shadows have offended

I hope your heart can still be mended

I hope you know that I don’t blame you

My dear friend

Always will

Love you still

But Astoria must end"