#and also involved compulsions so like.

[genderdog]

how do therapists typically react when you say you think you have something

[panspaming]

Don't mind me I'm giving myself therapy in the tags

[inkskinned]

even 2 years ago people still said autism with a whisper. it was also how people sometimes whisper lesbian, like they're afraid of uttering a slur. autistic was either an insult or it was something terrible, a horrible burden only select people endure. "select people" were usually 9 year old boys and skinny white men.

they are not hispanic young adults with a dog and a life and friends. i can make (sustained, calculated, painful) eye contact. with certain people, i don't even have to count how many seconds i am holding their vision - i can just look at them. i can wear clothes that bother me, i will just have a worse day than usual. i might cry about any changes to my schedule - but change is scary! this is normal!

when i was 16 it was OCD. i mean that was the thing everyone said. i totally have ocd. they would arrange 6 colors of gel pen in rainbow order (no worry for indigo feeling left out) and they'd be "so ocd" about it.

if you struggle with intrusive thoughts, be careful at this next paragraph, but. at 16 i developed a compulsion that involved self-harm. my ocd was convinced i was simply forgetting that i'd hurt someone terribly - a thought that persisted for no clear or delineated reason.

at some point i will probably write about how the idea of "morally pure thoughts" was hell for me and others with ocd, but this was the odd dichotomy for many of us: they liked our "aesthetic", but were genuinely repulsed by our lived experience. "intrusive thoughts" now means "cutting your hair in the sink" instead of talking yourself down from believing horrible things. "so ocd" is a label without any true understanding.

it's something i've talked about before - in multiplicity - but i firmly believe in the veracity and necessity of self-diagnosis. i think it saves lives and it saves tragedies from occurring. as someone raised in a house that wasn't safe, self-diagnosis was, for many years, the only viable option. 15 and honestly googling: am i depressed or are there demons affecting my behavior.

but it is not genuine self-diagnosis anymore, most of the time. it is a strange, blanched version of that whispered word autism. now certain traits are constantly seen as "autistic" - any passing intense interest. any flubbed social interaction. people say it while laughing - a touch of the 'tism.

and i like the acceptance! i do. i like that people are talking about it. i like that if i self-identify, more people speak up and say me too, bitch. but there is something-else quietly happening, the way it happened to OCD. the quirky, "fun" parts have been washed and sanitized and removed of all suffering. now it is just something that makes you "a little bit silly."

it took me 27 years on this planet before i learned to make friends. something about me just seems incredibly odd, i guess, some kind of radiation monitoring. someone once (in a way that was almost friendly) told me i am doing the right things, but in a way that's off-putting. i have scoured myself raw attempting to be charming.

someone on tiktok does a deep dive into their particular passion. the top comment says "what kind of autism is this lol". like we are a breed of animal. like it has no influence on our experience. like our life is a fresh breeze, an open meadow.

more often for me, life was a drowning.

[psychotrenny]

Tumblr users are so comically obsessed with Standpoint Epistemology. Like people will compulsively preface their statements with like "Speaking as XYZ" even when it's completely irrelevant or actively discredits them. The whole "speaking as someone who has killed a pedestrian with my car" thing was just an especially ridiculous manifestation of this trend

And like this sort of fixation around reaching correctness through merely existing as the right sort of person explains many of the more useless and cynical distortions of social justice you see whenever a tumblr discourse turns in that direction. It's why we see a lot of "oppression olympics" type behaviour, as in the sort of pointless and idealist arguments about what category of person is more metaphysically oppressed (in contrast to actually useful comparisons of the differing material conditions that various groups face); if being oppressed by a system automatically grants you unimpeachable insight into it then clearly the more oppressed you are the more correct you are. It's also why people feel the need to fake their oppression, on either an individual (i.e. racefaking) or group (i.e. tranandrophobia*) level; even if you're not actually oppressed enough to be automatically correct, pretending you are is a great way to win arguments regardless. In turns that leads to baseless projection of privilege onto others (i.e. all the tumblr users who accuse POC of being white purely for disagreeing with them; sometimes involving active claims of racefaking but often just ignoring their marginalised status altogether); if someone's more oppressed then you that might mean they're more correct than you and we can't be having that.

This sort of thinking highly counter-productive and yet it's everywhere. Sadly many people are more interested in self-gratification than actually understanding and improving the world, and as long as they're socially enabled they'll keep abusing progressive language to this end. Very miserable indeed

*transandrophobia rhetoric is especially revealing in this regard because like TME trans people are indeed marginalised by transphobia. But to stop there would force them to acknowledge the basic fact that transfems are especially marginalised by the intersection of transphobia and misogyny, which makes it a little more inconvenient to socially murder us while maintaining a veneer of progressiveness. So they have to make up their own special brand of oppression to make it clear that they have it worse (and therefore are more righteous and pure) than those awful male-socialised trannies

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Hi! Could make some writing notes regarding what happens to the human body when making out? Like the temperature increase and dopamine release, stuff like that? Or maybe just how the body reacts when you're nearby/interact to/with a loved one. I hope you're doing well! I love your posts!

Writing Notes: The Physiology of Love

Love can be distilled into 3 categories: lust, attraction, and attachment.

Though there are overlaps and subtleties to each, each type is characterized by its own set of hormones:

Testosterone and estrogen - drive lust

Dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin - create attraction

Oxytocin and vasopressin - mediate attachment

When we are falling in love, chemicals associated with the reward circuit flood our brain, produce a variety of physical and emotional responses:

Racing hearts

Sweaty palms

Flushed cheeks

Feelings of passion

Anxiety

Two decades of research shows that when it comes to early-stage intense romantic love—the kind we often think of when we talk about being lovestruck—a very primitive part of the brain’s reward system, located in the midbrain, is activated first.

Some Physiological Reactions to a Kiss

Pulse and blood pressure increase

Pupils dilate

Breathing deepens

Rational thought retreats, as desire suppresses both prudence and self-consciousness

Lust

Driven by the desire for sexual gratification.

The evolutionary basis for this stems from our need to reproduce, a need shared among all living things.

The hypothalamus of the brain plays a big role in this, stimulating the production of the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen from the testes and ovaries. While these chemicals are often stereotyped as being “male” and “female,” respectively, both play a role in men and women.

As it turns out, testosterone increases libido in just about everyone. The effects are less pronounced with estrogen, but some women report being more sexually motivated around the time they ovulate, when estrogen levels are highest.

Lust and attraction shut off the prefrontal cortex (includes rational behavior).

Attraction

Dopamine

Produced by the hypothalamus, is a particularly well-publicized player in the brain’s reward pathway – it’s released when we do things that feel good to us:

E.g., Spending time with loved ones and having sex.

High levels of dopamine and a related hormone, norepinephrine, are released during attraction. These chemicals make us:

giddy,

energetic, and

euphoric, even leading to decreased appetite and insomnia – which means you actually can be so “in love” that you can’t eat and can’t sleep.

Norepinephrine, also known as noradrenalin, may sound familiar because it plays a large role in the fight or flight response, which kicks into high gear when we’re stressed and keeps us alert:

Released more often at the beginning of a couple's relationship when many unknowns are present, putting the brain in a ‘proceed with caution’ mode.

Early in a relationship, there is heightened adrenalin, which causes feelings like butterflies in the stomach and a faster heart rate. There is also reduced activity in the parts of the brain that help us to make judgements, which is why you may be 'blinded' to another person’s faults in early love or infatuation,

Brain scans of people in love have actually shown that the primary “reward” centers of the brain, including the ventral tegmental area and the caudate nucleus, fire like crazy when people are shown a photo of someone they are intensely attracted to, compared to when they are shown someone they feel neutral towards (like an old high school acquaintance).

Attraction seems to lead to a reduction in serotonin:

It is a hormone that’s known to be involved in appetite and mood.

Interestingly, people who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder also have low levels of serotonin, leading scientists to speculate that this is what underlies the overpowering infatuation that characterizes the beginning stages of love.

This explains why people in the early stages of love can become obsessed with small details, spending hours debating about a text to or from their beloved.

Attachment

The predominant factor in long-term relationships.

While lust and attraction are pretty much exclusive to romantic entanglements, attachment mediates friendships, parent-infant bonding, social cordiality, and many other intimacies as well.

The two primary hormones here appear to be oxytocin and vasopressin.

Oxytocin

Often nicknamed “cuddle hormone” or “hormone of love”.

Produced by the hypothalamus.

Released in large quantities during sex, breastfeeding, and childbirth.

This may seem like a very strange assortment of activities – not all of which are necessarily enjoyable – but the common factor here is that all of these events are precursors to bonding.

It also makes it pretty clear why having separate areas for attachment, lust, and attraction is important: we are attached to our immediate family, but those other emotions have no business there (and let’s just say people who have muddled this up don’t have the best track record).

The Brain During a Kiss

The brain goes into overdrive during the all-important kiss.

It dedicates a disproportionate amount of space to the sensation of the lips in comparison to much larger body parts.

During a kiss, this lip sensitivity causes our brain to create a chemical cocktail that can give us a natural high.

This cocktail is made up of three chemicals, all designed to make us feel good and crave more: dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin.

Like any cocktail, this one has an array of side-effects.

The combination of these three chemicals work by lighting up the 'pleasure centres' in our brain.

The dopamine released during a kiss can stimulate the same area of the brain activated by heroin and cocaine. As a result, we experience feelings of euphoria and addictive behaviour.

Oxytocin fosters feelings of affection and attachment. This is the same hormone that is released during childbirth and breastfeeding.

Finally, the levels of serotonin present in the brain whilst kissing look a lot like those of someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

No wonder the memory of a good kiss can stay with us for years.

Love happens less in the heart and more in the brain, where hormonal releases and brain chemicals are triggered.

Dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin are some of the key neurotransmitters that help you feel pleasure and satisfaction.

So, your body often approaches love as a cycle.

It feels good to be with that person, so your brain says, "Do that again."

Sources: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ⚜ Notes & References ⚜ Love ⚜ Kinds of Love

Thanks so much for your kind words. Hope you're doing well yourself! Would love to read your writing if these notes inspire you.

[cthonic-bunny]

1. personal synastry and composite experiences and observations

Do not interact if you are a minor. (18+)

Sun in 8th house synastry: I was the house person they were the sun. I definitely developed insecurities I never had before as a result of this connection. With the sun shining brightly on my insecurities, they were hard to ignore and even harder to not project them entirely on the sun. A lot of “you did this to me!” energy. I didn’t consider myself a jealous person until this relationship and a lot of it came from wanting to be “good enough” in the eyes of the sun person. It’s like knowing you have these darker aspects in common and wanting them to see you can bond this way and see them in a way no one can. You also end up pushing limits together. You liked this? Now WE love this. You’re addicted to that? Now WE are addicted to it. Moderation is hard to achieve with sun in the 8th house synastry. It can also bring up insecurities surrounding sex with that person specifically, if poorly aspected. Explosive reactions and emotional outbursts aren’t foreign here. The house person can feel like a vampire being sunburned, with all its ugliness revealing itself from its body because of its interaction with this person. The 8H person wants a full, in-depth analysis of the sun person’s thoughts, intentions, and motivations. The plutonic energy wants to completely envelop the sun, compulsively in some cases, to know WHY they are the way they are, and why the sun presents themselves in certain ways. This is especially true if the sun person did something to hurt the 8H person, who can feel it more than is rational. The 8H person can really struggle with getting over any emotional harm or feelings of abandonment that come from the sun person. The 8H person can potentially resent the sun person for not being able to read them as intently as they could read the sun person. The sex, if and once insecurities are worked through, can bring you so much closer to one another and to yourself. I also feel like any disturbances or intimacy problems between you two can easily be felt by others or there can be blow ups in front of people you know, because the sun is a planet that illuminates wherever the light lands, whether you like it or not. Avoid public fights, because you will kiss and makeup but the damage in other people’s eyes will be done and opinions will be made. The 8H person might be able to see through any facade the sun person puts up, and this could lead to deep discussions that could be extremely healing for the Sun who might have to work through some things. The 8H person can also teach the sun person how to make more money and maybe even encourage them to start their own business. They can be known as a couple that makes a lot of money together. The sun person can also give sugar daddy/mommy vibes and the 8H the sugar baby, even if it neither one of the people involved are rich-rich. This is a highly binding placement. You two might find it difficult or even impossible to separate from each other even if the relationship has run its natural course. You guys are known as the couple that is “stuck” to one another.

Moon in 5th house synastry: *weird* but, for those who have this placement with a significant other, do you love to smell their body odor? I think in the house of children and fertility, it makes sense to love your partner’s pheromones. Something as weird as the smell of their armpits or stinky feet becomes comforting, idk?? This house is also really fun, and you can get a lot of emotional fulfillment out of acting like children together. 5H is ruled by Leo, so I also found that we had a lot of fun putting on “shows” for one another, and sort of making up our own characters and accents to make the other giggle. People are also really excited for the prospect of us having children together, and you’ll have friends volunteering to babysit or be the godparent of your unborn children LOL. Dressing up nice and going out on dates to somewhere with a great ambiance can be a great way to feel connected. Sharing perfume, or gifting each other perfumes or colognes. Loving the scents they wear. Same taste in candles? Candles as gifts. Lots of watching TV together? Having “shows” that feel wrong to watch without the other. Being called pretty by the other means a lot, and being pretty in each other’s eyes makes you feel good.

Moon in 12th house synastry: 12H synastry tends to have an awful reputation, and I get it when it’s a relationship that isn’t meant for you. However, my moon falls in my best friend’s 12H, and it is one of my favorite placements of ours. We have a telepathic connection where we can just look at the other and know what’s up. You preemptively know what will bother the other person and find it hard to understand how other people wouldn’t have assumed that thing would annoy your person. You understand each other’s motives, and can provide the ultimate shoulder to cry on or ear to listen with. When it’s a new interaction it can feel a bit intense, because how are you in my head!!! I feel like you can read my thoughts! It was like that for the both of us. It’s like, when together, both our consciousnesses transported to another realm where we are mutually perceiving something and our thoughts are being put on a radio for the other to listen to. Very spiritual relationship. You KNOW the vibes, and those feelings will be verified through the other person who already felt the same. She will never be wrong in my eyes and I will defend her to the death. We don’t even have to speak on certain days, but we can feel whatever mood the other one is in and check-up on each other accordingly. Whenever we have a strange dream or nightmare, the first thing we do is text each other and try to analyze what it could mean. I as the 12H person also dreamt of us becoming best friends before we formally met. The dreams i would have of her would always be loaded with spiritual symbolism. We also grew up with the same level of emotional attachment to our personal spiritualities and shared religion, which plays a large role in our understandings of one another. Most people just won’t get it, but she always will. She could read my crazy journal entries if she wanted to. 12H moon synastry is just unconditional love. Between friends at least, it feels like a long-lost twin connection. Also, her and I had gotten matching tattoos before we even knew of each other, both of them being for the same spiritual meaning!

Composite Mars in 3rd house: Lots of talking during sex, and lots of car sex— It might sometimes feel like that’s the easiest thing to talk about, or the conversation always steers to that direction. Sending nudes? Sexting. Maybe the only way you two could engage your sexual desire for one another is through sexting, because distance might not permit the full physical expression. If you don’t have a lot of experience knowing the other’s communication style, it can lead to a bit of random defensiveness or perceiving the other as communicating abrasively. I think it can lead to one trying to get reactions out of the other by saying something out of pocket.

Composite Mercury in 12th house: Pay attention to the dreams you have of this person! They will seriously tell you a lot about your dynamic, but don’t take them at face value! Lots of mystical elements to your dreams about them specifically, so maybe reviewing tarot card meanings and astrology concepts can help you decipher the meanings of your dreams. You might find it easier than expected to confide in each other or rant about your brain’s inner workings together. “I don’t know why I’m saying all that-“ or psychoanalyzing each other for fun. Talking about your less-than-desirable attributes. Being honest about your deceptive tendencies or specific lies you’ve told and why. Oversharing things that will usually make other people uncomfortable in the same context (like talking about your exes or failed situationships on a first date). Difficulties communicating when it’s not in person because it leaves too much room for confusion. Deceit is a real possibility though, with someone voluntarily “leaving out details” about their life outside of the relationship to avoid ruining the flow of energy or the dynamic. Having each other saved on your phones under fake names. Having to hide that you’re talking to this person from other people. One of you withdrawing communication to manipulatively make the other think about you more. Taking turns being each other’s therapist. Thinking about each other often but never expressing that, or the extent to which you think of one another. Thinking about the other at night before going to bed. “I started catching feelings for the girl that I’m currently having sex with, so it’s safe to say we don’t talk anymore, unless of course we’re having sex” in Sasquatch .22 by Bay Faction.

Composite Venus in 12th house: There really is a secretive component to this interaction that can feel impossible to bypass. Your family, friends, or society might not “approve” of you two together. One or both of you can be cheating on someone with this person. Only being able to meet up or be affectionate at night or in extremely private settings. The privacy of the relationship can help you open up a lot more than you’d expect to, because there’s no one but you two to perceive the other in this context. No judgments on how you two should behave with one another, so “let’s fully enjoy the moment while it lasts.” No one understanding your interaction or it’s purpose, and you probably don’t understand it either. Sending telepathic love notes. Longing. Intimate and romantic sex that haunts you or catches you off guard. Never wanting to be the first one to admit you’ve caught feelings. Ruining your sleep schedule to spend time with one another. Dreaming about romantically linking with them before it ever happens. Withdrawing once feelings start feeling real. The song “Lips of Angel” by Hinder reminds me of Composite Venus in 12H. “Illicit Affairs,” “August,” and “False God” by Taylor Swift. “Why Can’t I?” by Liz Phair. Gato de Noche by Bad Bunny. Sex by The 1975.

Lilith in 8th house synastry: Wanting to try things sexually with this person that wasn’t necessarily exciting with other partners. “You can do whatever you want to me, and I’ll let you.” Possibly experimenting with or preferring BDSM with one another. That Lana lyric that’s like: You fucked me so good that I almost said “I love you.” It might also be controversial if people knew you’ve had sex with one another. Revenge sex? As in, you two having sex might indirectly be spiting someone else, and it kind of feels like you’re dishing out delicious karma on a surprising silver platter— “lol if only they knew” You two might have fun misbehaving together. Doing what you both know you’re not supposed to be doing can make everything feel better, and even more reason to keep doing what you’re doing. Lana Del Rey in Diet Mountain Dew: “you’re no good for me, but baby I want you.” Wanting to be dangerous together. “Leave me bruised so I can’t forget you.” “Seeing you tonight is a bad idea, right?” This placement somewhat reminds me of a union between the death card and the devil card in tarot, with an emphasis on risk-stained sexual liberation. You can become symbolic of temptation in each other’s lives, so it’s hard to deny your impulses. Toxic by Britney Spears.

-D 🖤🕯

[hwanghyunjinenthusiast]

Bloodlove

AN: I'm a JJAM hater but, when I saw these clips of HyunSung...I couldn't help myself. I have a million other fics I'm working on but, HyunSung will always take priority lol. Also, I do want to make more banners for my fics but, I couldn't find many pictures of the two of them with (fake) blood smeared on their faces so, we're going to have to settle for the classic three photos for this one. Can't believe it's taken me this long to post something HyunSung focused.

Synopsis: The two strange men that you've developed a bit of an...odd relationship with decide to pay you another visit. They're especially famished tonight.

General tags and warnings: Hwang Hyunjin x Han Jisung x Fem! Reader, Hyunjin and Jisung are vampires, lots of blood and biting involved, they initially enter Reader's home without her consent, acquaintances to potential lovers lol?, they're all in love/infatuated with each other your honour and not much plot.

Smut tags and warnings: dubcon if you squint since Reader does all of this after HyunSung drink a substantial amount of her blood and there's one joke about compulsion but, it's not brought up after that and there's no actual compelling that happens, lots of blood and kissing with blood, lots of biting, oral sex (f. receiving), fingering (f. receiving), unintentional temperature play because they're undead, breast and nipple play (f. receiving), HyunSung being able to smell Reader's arousal, pussy sniffing once (f. receiving), dirty talk, Reader getting teary eyed, mxm but it's only kissing in this but, it's implied HyunSung have done more, petnames, manhandling (they have super strength because, y'know, vampires), piv sex without a condom, dirty talk, clawing, creampies, lots of cum, cumplay of sorts, Reader realises in real time she might have a creampie kink, unrealistic sex because they're vampires lol, marking, bruising, brief mentions of masturbation and implied aftercare.

Word count: 5.8k.

I will block you if you are a minor and/or have no easily visible indication of your age on your blog if you interact with me in any way.

The first thing you register is your heart thundering in your ribcage the moment you jolt out of your sleep. Bringing your shaky hand to your chest, you're not sure what startled you awake: the storm raging outside your bedroom window or whatever nightmare you were experiencing that's already rapidly fading from your memory. Your mind is having difficulty catching up to the anxiety still fresh in your veins. Remnants of sleep making everything hazy and disorientated at the edges. 

“Bad dream?” 

You nearly jump out of your skin when you finally notice the two figures who have seemingly made themselves at home on your windowsill. You nearly scream out of reflex but, your brain boots up in time to inform you that your home isn't being invaded and the two men lounging in your bedroom are not strangers. Well, they are but, not really. Half-strangers? Acquaintances? You're not sure what you'd categorise your relationship as but, it's somewhere between more than acquaintances but, definitely less than friends. 

“What are you two doing here?” You hiss, struggling to make them out in your dark room with the moon and city lights being of little help. Shooting them a deeply unamused glare while you attempt to calm your racing heart and lessen the anxiety still circulating in your system. 

“What, we can't pay our favourite girl a visit?” asks the shorter man. It may be dark but, you can see Jisung's grin clear as day. You decidedly ignore the implications of his phrasing of ‘favourite girl’ because you're already dealing with far too much right now and you doubt it's even 4 a.m. 

“I doubt you're here for just a visit,” you mumble under your breath, reaching for the water bottle you keep on your nightstand. Taking a generous sip that significantly helps you feel better and less like a mess of stress and dehydration. 

“Are you complaining? That'd be a first,” the taller man chimes in, amusement colouring his voice and heating your blood in a way you're not sure you'll ever be ready to think too much about. The awful part is, he's not wrong. Whatever this…arrangement the three of you have has gone on without any hitches for months now. You're not sure why you let them slip into your apartment and drink from you. In the few instances that you've really sat with yourself and attempted to find out why, nothing that feels valid has come up. Pity? Who pities vampires of all people? A sense of duty? What duty should you feel to strangers? A gesture of kindness? You'd like to think you're a decent person but, this is far beyond the scope of simple generosity. 

So, what is it? 

“I'm complaining because you two snuck into my room while I was asleep and scared the shit out of me. Usually you do this while I'm, you know, awake and with some kind of head's up,” you respond, setting your bottle back down and looking at the two men. Well, they're far beyond ordinary men but, the word ‘vampire’ still feels so foreign on your tongue and even in your thoughts. The two of them have always seemed deeply connected to each other from the moment they approached you that fateful Friday night. Moving towards you like a well-oiled machine, their steps in time with one another. 

“Sorry,” at least Hyunjin has the decency to sound half-sincere but, the hunger in his eyes betrays him, “We're just starving and it's been a month,” is the explanation he offers as though you three haven't been doing this for months now. What an absurd turn your life has taken. If you ever found the courage to tell Minho and Seungmin about this, you're certain your best friends would think you'd watched the Twilight movies one too many times and have certifiably lost your mind. They wouldn't be entirely wrong either. 

Shoving your heavy blanket to the side, you expose your body for them to ogle thoroughly. You don't have to look up at them to know they're burning holes into you right now. The excitement from them is palpable. It rolls off of them in waves. You still haven't quite managed to not feel on edge after all this time but, it's not fear or dread that churns in the pit of your stomach. 

“Well, I'm ready. Have it,” is all you say, keeping your tone as neutral as possible. You're sure the two of them would never harm you but, you've made it a habit to keep these…sessions as clinical as possible. Holding them at a safe distance. Which, frankly, sounds insane since they regularly invade your personal space to drink your blood. Maybe you have lost it and this is all a months long hallucination. 

Jisung startles you out of your thoughts by placing a cool hand on your thigh. Goosebumps erupt on your skin instantaneously and you resist the impulse to shudder when his molten eyes find yours, “I'm just gonna move you a little. Make both of us a little more comfortable,” and just like that you find yourself tugged to the edge of your bed as though you were the same weight as a feather. His display of strength prompts you to claw at your sheets briefly. The first time he did this, you thought it was all a ploy to get you into bed but, true to his word, he really was only interested in your blood. You tried not to let your disappointment show at the time. Now, as his fingers ghost over your thighs and he kneels between them, dragging his nose along your inner thigh, it's still so incredibly hard not to let your thoughts wander. 

Thankfully, you've grown accustomed to the pain so, you only flinch minimally when he sinks his fangs into your skin. The groan that drags itself out of the depths of his chest goes decidedly ignored by you. Hyunjin slinks his way behind you, long fingers gently tilting your head to the side for easier access. His approach is what you'd been expecting the first time. The classic vampire. In the glimpses you've gotten of the two, Hyunjin does seem like more of the idea of a vampire you've been fed since you were eleven. His hair tickles the parts of your skin it touches, providing some reprieve from the pinch his bite brings. 

You've always wondered why they do this together. Why not have their own individual moment with you? To feed from you? Maybe this just helps them save time. Maybe it's some weird vampire bylaw that you're too human to understand. It's such an odd sensation feeling your blood leave your body this way. Even now, it's dizzying and fogs up your brain. It doesn't help that they seem especially hungry tonight so, they're drinking much faster than you've grown used to. It's not unpleasant, though. Just…different. Still a touch unfamiliar. 

Surprisingly, Jisung is the first one to stop. He isn't exactly the best at showing restraint.  The handful of times Hyunjin has had to butt in by either forcibly telling him to stop or dragging him by his hair off of you speak for themselves. So, you're left a little confused when he unlatches himself from your thigh of his own freewill and looks up at you. Something horrible, animalistic and wanton simmers in the pit of your stomach when you notice the fresh blood generously smeared across his lips and parts of his cheeks. Your blood is all over his handsome face while he's staring at you from between your thighs. It was easier before. When he'd just drink your blood, heal you with his saliva and disappear with Hyunjin into the night. Having him here, looking like this is far more than you can take.  

“I can smell you, you know,” he says, a lazy drawl in his voice and you notice the drop in octave immediately. His eyes that are usually alight with hunger look different. They burn with something else entirely. A different kind of hunger that makes your heart leap into your throat and your pussy pulse. 

“Wh-What?” comes your intelligent reply, “Smell me?” you'd like to think you're trying your best with the loop you've been thrown for. 

Hyunjin chooses then to stop feeding off of you. This time, you fail spectacularly at shoving down the shudder that runs down your spine when his cool breath hits the shell of the ear. The smell of your blood drifting to your nostrils, invading your senses, “He means he can smell how aroused you are,” he whispers into your ear as if Jisung can't hear him perfectly well from where he's kneeling. 

His words shatter your brain for a few seconds. All you can do is blink while your brain attempts to make sense of what they've both said. The lack of blood isn't helping. True to fiction, you know their smelling abilities are far beyond that of any human. Sparse conversation over the time you've been doing this has clued you in enough but, it didn't occur to you that that particular ability could be used beyond smelling blood. 

“We don't want to scare you,” Hyunjin mutters gently, large hands ghosting over your waist but, not providing you with the relief of actually touching you. You wonder, briefly, whether compulsion is one of their powers too because the lull in his voice causes your lids to droop and your stomach to twist in a way that isn't wholly unpleasant. “It's just– we– you– you're something else,” he pauses for a second and you're not sure if it's to collect himself or something else entirely, “We haven't felt this way about someone in decades.” The pure yearning in his tone throws you completely. Your eyes widening as you try and process everything he's said while your blood trickles out of you. 

“We?” you ask in only what can be described as a combination of awe and confusion, glancing at the man between your thighs whose scorching gaze hasn't left you and Hyunjin for a second. Your blood is still all over his face. 

“Yes,” Jisung answers immediately and you've never heard one word carry so much weight, “Why do you think we only come to you? Why we only drink from you?” 

You thought the whole them being vampires and drinking from you thing was a lot but, this is a whole different league. Hyunjin allows himself to gently lay his hand on you in what you can only assume is a gesture meant to ease your nerves but, it does the complete opposite. “I didn't know you two only fed off of me,” you whisper, trying your best to gather your bearings. Fiddling with your sheets and avoiding looking at either of them in the hopes that you don't say or do something incredibly stupid. Well, more stupid. 

“I'm– I need to know what you two want from you,” you whisper, afraid that if you speak any louder that you'll shatter the delicate bubble the three of you are in. 

“We just want you,” Jisung answers without a second thought and you wonder just how many times the two of them have spoken about this. “In whatever way you'll let us have you,” Hyunjin adds just as quickly but, no less passionately. His grip on you tightening but, his loosens it before you can even blink. 

You blink harshly. Stars dancing behind your eyelids. You really are about to do something very, very dumb, aren't you? 

“I don't know what I want from this. From you two but, I–I um think I want to see where this goes. So, o–okay,” you whisper, still not looking at either of them. Your heart races when Hyunjin carefully grasps your face so, you have no choice but, to look at him. The hunger and lust you somewhat expected to be present in his eyes are there but, there's a quiet softness in them too that's making it really difficult for you to breathe, “We'll take it slow, okay?” He assures you, leaning down and giving you ample time to tell him no or push him away but, you don't. Because you want this. You want him. You want Jisung. You want them. 

Surprising perhaps everyone in the room, you close the distance between the two of you. You kiss him clumsily and are a little taken aback to taste your blood on his lips but, it's not off-putting. In fact, you might even like it a little. Hyunjin doesn't give you much time to ponder on that thought because he's kissing you back with so much enthusiasm, large hands making themselves at home on your waist, palming every inch of you he can. You gasp into his mouth when you feel Jisung licking at his bite marks, closing them up. Hyunjin's tongue snakes its way into your mouth just as Jisung litters your inner thigh with sticky, bloodied kisses. 

“Is it okay if I taste you?” He asks and you're not sure you could answer him properly even without Hyunjin's seeming determination not to let your mouth free. Whether it's the lack of oxygen and blood going to your brain, you feel just the slightest bit delirious and with delirium apparently comes confidence. Your hand finds the hem of your sleeping gown easily and you tug it up your thighs haphazardly, exposing as much of your slick folds to him as you can and hoping he takes the very obvious green light. 

Fortunately for both of you, Jisung is not an idiot and he snatches the invitation as readily as you offer it. Hyunjin let's you have a moment to breathe just as Jisung shoves himself impossibly close to you, acting as though there's no other place he'd rather be than with his head between your thighs and his hands burning imprints into them. “You smell so good,” Hyunjin groans behind you, pressing bloody kisses into your neck and lapping up the blood that's trickled out of you and dried on your skin. Large hands softly kneading your tits over your gown, drinking in every reaction you offer to both of them. 

“She smells even better here,” Jisung comments before pressing his nose into your pussy and inhaling deeply. Embarrassment and desire heat your face and make your walls clench in equal parts. “Ji–Jisung,” you hiss but, it sounds more like a whimper than anything else. He doesn't respond but, you feel him smirk against you. Watching you like a hawk as he takes his first taste of you, his tongue dragging itself from your entrance to your clit. His firm grasp keeps you from bucking your hips into his face. “I bet you taste wonderful, sweetheart,” Hyunjin drawls against your skin, dragging his fangs along your neck while he tugs your gown down to let your tits bounce free. He laughs breathlessly into your neck when Jisung hums in conformation. “Maybe I'll get to taste you later too,” he whispers and you don't have much time to dwell on the thought because Jisung starts lapping at your clit with unabashed enthusiasm. 

Hyunjin keeps you thoroughly in his grasp when your body attempts to jolt from the flurry of sensations its hit with. You couldn't stop the drawn out moans and curses that fall from your lips even if you wanted to. Your eyes flutter and wetness further smears Jisung's face with every kiss and lick. Hyunjin, for his part, has grown thoroughly infatuated with your tits. Kneading them in his massive hands and groaning into your skin every time he toys with your nipples to gauge what you like the best. You think he nearly bites you again when he discovers a drag of his thumbs is all it takes for you to mewl in his hold and seek out his mouth. He readily kisses you. Pouring what you can only imagine is months worth of frustration and desire into this kiss. You can practically taste it. Well, that and your blood. 

He steadies you when Jisung presses two fingers against your dripping entrance. You can feel the way he watches you slowly swallow them. They slip in easily given how beyond wet you are and the strained ‘fuck’ that he whispers makes you grip him tighter. They feel…odd. Not uncomfortable or unwelcome but, just different from what you're used to. Their coolness is foreign but, Jisung uses that to his advantage given how scorching your walls are. “Fuck,” he moans against your pussy, giving your clit a second to breathe, “How is everything about you so good? You taste good, you feel even better,” he mutters, a bit fucked out before knocking the wind out of you by sucking on you while dragging his cold fingers along your sensitive walls. 

“Hyun-Hyunjin,” you cry into his mouth, grasping his forearm for…what? You don't know but it helps. “I've got you, my angel,” he replies without a second thought, nipping at your bottom lip while his hands and Jisung's mouth and fingers force you closer to an edge you hadn't even realised you were approaching. 

When did your other hand find its way into Jisung's hair? 

The thought evaporates from your mind the moment Jisung's fingers find the spot inside of that causes your vision to dance and your thighs to clamp around his head. Not that he minds even the slightest bit. He seems more determined with etching the taste of your pussy into his taste buds and bringing you to the brink of insanity with his fingers. Hyunjin greedily swallows all of the noises the two of them pluck from you. Only stopping when you have to separate for air, not that his mouth leaves you. Immediately attaching itself to every part of your shoulder he can reach. Heavy eyes watching the way your tits fill his hands and the way your back bows when he pinches your nipples a touch too harshly. 

“Hyun–Ji–I'm so–I think–” your tongue feels like it weighs a million kilograms all of a sudden and, it's really, really hard to speak or think beyond the two men touching and tasting you. “It's okay, beloved,” Hyunjin hushes against your neck, “You want to let go for us, don't you?” you're not sure what sounds more tempting: his suggestion or his voice. “You want to cum for us, right?” He continues, giving your tits an especially harsh squeeze and rutting his hard cock against your lower back, “Cum all over Sungie’s face while I play with your beautiful tits, huh?” 

Something within you snaps. Whether it's your sanity or the proverbial knot in the pit of your stomach, you're not sure but, you become undone within an instant. You don't think you've ever cum this hard in your life. Everything sounds distant and feels hazy but, you do feel Hyunjin and Jisung keeping you from totally crumpling onto your bed. Vaguely, you make out one of them saying ‘pretty’ and what you assume is another one of them saying ‘so hot.’ You're not sure how long it takes for you to come back to yourself but, eventually, you do. Blinking open bleary eyes to find Jisung staring at you with a mess of your wetness and blood all over the lower half of his face. It's easily the hottest image you've ever seen in your life and you hope you never forget it. 

“You okay?” Hyunjin asks behind you, large hands having drifted from your tits to soothing run along your waist while you attempt to steady your breathing and stop your thighs from shaking. “Ye-Yeah,” you reply, cringing a little at the hoarseness in your voice, “That was just um a lot and I need a–a second but, I'm good,” you finish, giving them a weak smile that you hope conveys that you are really okay despite the way your thighs quiver. 

“Thank fuck. I was worried we might have gone too far,” Jisung pipes up for the first time in what feels like ages. The depth of his voice makes your stomach drop and you bite back a whimper at the way your sensitive pussy reacts to him. Could your body give you a second? You just came, Jesus Christ. 

“Come here.” 

The words shake you out of your thoughts and you think he's talking to you but, before you can blink he's on his feet and dragging Hyunjin into a mess of spit and tongue by his hair. All you can do is watch the two of them with your mouth parted and your fingers attempting to find leverage in your sheets. You were so wrong. This is easily the hottest image you've ever seen in your fucking life. Your clit throbs and walls clench when Jisung pulls away and pins you down with a look that's far too knowing and smug for your liking. “What? Don't look at me like that,” he has the nerve to sound amused while you're sitting here already wound up. Again. “I just wanted Jinnie to have a taste of your sweet pussy, that's all,” he licks his upper lip for good measure and you're pretty sure you've never wanted to throttle someone more than right now.

“He wasn't wrong,” Hyunjin groans into your ear, his hands gripping your hips fiercely, pressing you against him and making you feel the outline of his cock, “You taste…divine,” the reverence in his voice makes goosebumps arise on your skin and you honestly think you might die if you don't have the two of them right now. 

“Please, please I want–I need to feel both of you. It hurts. I feel so empty and I'm so wet–”

Hyunjin and Jisung seemingly have no reservations about taking the next step in whatever the three of you have because you're blinking up at them within a flash, both of their eyes flashing with intent and want so visceral that your heart leaps in your chest. Hyunjin is the first to move. Positioning himself between your thighs and descending on your mouth immediately. “You have no idea how long we've been waiting for this,” he mutters before pulling away from you. You're about to complain but, he discards your gown faster than you can process. Leaving you totally exposed to the two of you.

“You're so beautiful,” Jisung whispers from somewhere above you and, your eyes catch his as he lounges against your headboard. He shoots you a lazy smile and it does terrible things to your heart. Before you can dwell too much about why he's sitting there you hear rustling and focus your attention back on Hyunjin. 

You're thoroughly unprepared for the sight of a shirtless Hyunjin impatiently tugging his pants and boxers down his slender hips. Seeing him without a shirt is earth shattering in its own right but, watching the way his hand wraps around his cock makes your bedroom spin a little. He has the audacity to shoot you a little grin like his cock isn't inches away from your weeping entrance and you don't hear Jisung's own staggered breathing behind you. His eyes never leave your face. Even as he shuffles closer to you. Even when his hands gently rest against your thighs. Even when his cock rests on your pussy. 

“Is this okay?” He whispers, dragging his cock along your slit and your body jolts totally without your consent when his tip brushes against your clit. “Ah, yes. Yes. Hyunjin please just–” you words are halted by a gasp when he slowly starts to push into you. You shouldn't be shocked at this point but, he's colder than you expect. And longer. And thicker. You can barely make out his face in the haze you're in and all you can do is let your mouth hang open when he finally bottoms out. His grip on your thighs tightens and his hand finds a home in the hollow of your throat while he gives you a bit to adjust to stretch. 

Without much thought, your hands find his broad back and he must read that as some sort of sign because he's pulling out before snapping back inside of you after that. The air is punched out of your lungs but, he continues. Gradually finding a pace that has your toes curling and your nails digging into the cool skin of his back. “You can claw at me all you want,” he whispers in your ear. Chuckling at the way your pussy tightens around him and your fingers follow his suggestion without your prompting. “I'm not one of those mortals,” he continues, “I can take it.” 

And so you do. Basking in the freedom of letting him know just how much you're enjoying being fucked on his cock and his hands more than likely leaving your thighs bruised. The thought of covered in their marks makes your pussy clench and you can't help but, wish they were both touching you right now. 

Hyunjin kisses down your neck until he reaches one of your tits. Covering them in kisses and licks. Grazing them with his fangs and delighting in the way you shudder underneath him. You're a woman on a mission, though. Turning your head until you find Jisung's hooded eyes and his hand around his cock. The sight makes your lips part and even more of your wetness gush onto Hyunjin's cock. 

“Ji–Jisung,” you whine trying your best to look at his handsome face but, it's incredibly challenging when his pretty cock is right there. “Want you too ah,” you manage to gasp out just as Hyunjin sinks his fangs into your tit, sipping on your blood while his pace increases and the obscene sounds of him fucking you echo through your bedroom. Jisung doesn't respond at first. Perhaps needing a second. Then, before you can blink, he's leaning down and devouring you whole with his mouth. Swallowing all of your mewls and whimpers and moans as though he needs them to live. 

“You're killing me here, baby,” he groans against your lips when he finally remembers you need air, “I want nothing more than to fuck you with Jinnie but, we don't know if you'll be able to take it. Maybe next time, okay?” He soothes, toying with your hair and giving you a smile that's filled with promise. You want to tell him you can. You can more than take both of them right now but, you can barely think coherently let alone speak so, all you do is pout and nod in resignation. “Don't give me that look,” he laughs, kissing you once again, “I'll make love to you as soon as Jinnie is done.” 

You may not be experiencing them at the same time but, you can live with them both…making love to you as Jisung put it. He leaves you with one more kiss, letting you focus on the other vampire currently, painstakingly slowly drinking from your tit while he snaps his hips into you. You never thought you'd want them to drink from you so badly but, watching the way Hyunjin revels in your taste, you can't help the fire it fans in the very core of your being. 

“Hyunjin,” you moan and that's all it takes for him to lick his way into your mouth and fold you further into your mattress. You're certain you'll feel the ache in your thighs tomorrow but, you couldn't care less. “You're gonna make me cum,” he moans into your mouth, snapping his hips faster and faster into you while hiz grip on you remains steadfast, “Gonna make me fill up this gorgeous, pretty, tight, hot pussy,” he continues, and you feel him throb inside you and you don't think you've ever wanted someone to cum inside you so intensely. 

“I fuck want it,” you respond, your fingers finding their way into his hair, “Want you to cum inside me, Hyu–Jinnie.” And just like that he slams his mouth into yours and holds you in place while he fills you with his cum as promised. It's cold but, not awful. Outside of how hot he sounds whimpering into your mouth, you're struck by the fact that he's still hard and his cum seems unending. Already starting to trickle out of you while he's still cumming. The realisation causes you to cling to him tighter and your walls to clench around him, milking him for as much as he'll give you. Fuck. 

Eventually, it does stop and he kisses you much gentler now. Even pressing playful kisses along your cheeks and your nose. “You're so pretty,” he sighs dreamily like you hung the moon in the sky just for them. He gives you one last kiss before leaning back and pulling out of you. You knew he was still hard but, seeing it with your own two eyes is a whole different matter. All you can do is blink in astonishment and watch it bob, covered in a mixture of your combined fluids. “It's a vampire perk,” is his explanation and you can tell he and Jisung are trying really hard not to laugh at your shock. 

“It's definitely one of the fun parts,” Jisung adds while tugging off his shirt. You're not sure where or when his pants disappeared but, you're not complaining. “So can you guys like just…cum and stay hard all time?” You ask looking between the two for some sort of sense to be found in all of this. “Not all the time,” Hyunjin replies, making himself at home at the foot of your bed. It's a little hard to focus on what he's saying when he's naked and posed like a Greek god but, you persevere, “But vampires have significantly better stamina than humans. It takes a lot to really wear us out,” he finishes, gesturing vaguely to his still very hard cock for emphasis. 

Before you can think to ask how they get hard to begin with since you don't think they have blood and what exactly their cum consists of, Jisung invades your personal space. His kisses are needy and desperate. His hands practically shake from how much he wants you and, if you're being honest, your ego is going to be through the roof after tonight. “Waited for this for so long,” he mutters into your mouth, positioning himself between your stained thighs. The mixture of Hyunjin's cum and your own wetness provide Jisung with more than enough to sink into you with ease. He's not as big as Hyunjin but, your eyes flutter and toes curl all the same. 

“Fuck, you're so perfect,” he grits out into the hollow of your throat before starting to move. Jisung seems to read you pretty well because his pace isn't slow or gentle and, for that, you're grateful. He fucks you thoroughly, making sure you feel every part of him while his hands explore every expanse of your body they can. Much like Hyunjin, he's especially into your tits. Savoring every gasp and arch of your back he can coax out of you. A garbled mess of his name and a curse fall from your lips when he sinks his fangs into your other breast. Unlike Hyunjin, Jisung doesn't drink slowly. He's greedy. Bloodthirsty. Blood smearing across his mouth while his pace picks up considerably. 

Tears spring to the corner of your eyes when he drags his thumb along your swollen clit. His grasp on your hip keeps you firmly in place. Forcing you to feel every sensation and, it hits you all at once just how close you've been. 

“Ji– oh my god– Jisung,” you cry out, gripping your sheets out of the sheer need to just ground yourself with something. Jisung watches you like a hawk the entire time. Lidded eyes only drifting between your thighs from time to time to watch the way he fucks Hyunjin's cum out of you but, he's more focused on your face. He has to see you when you finally shatter. He has to. 

It's a particular harsh circle he draws with his thumb that finally pushes you over the edge. Thankfully, he lets you catch your breath. Slowing down his pace considerably and slowly fucking you through your climax while he holds your hips. If you weren't on a totally different planet, you'd notice his attempt at soothing you with the circles he rubs into your skin. Still, despite his best efforts to let you come back to yourself, he's a goner the second you blink those teary eyes open and look straight at him. 

A weak whimper is all you can muster when you feel him cum. It honestly doesn't make any sense how hot he is. How hot they both are. You'd gladly give into the unconsciousness you can feel creeping up on you any other time but, right now you're too enamored with watching the way his inky hair sticks to his face and the way his mouth hangs open while he fills you to the point of leakage. Yeah, you've definitely never felt this full before and you're wondering whether the way your pussy flutters at the knowledge is something you even have the energy to unpack tonight. 

He gives you one last kiss before pulling out of you. You're sure you look like a total wreck right now and you can only imagine the state your sheets are in. However, sleep is calling your name and you can already feel yourself starting to drift off. 

“We know you're probably tired but, we need to clean you up, beloved,” Hyunjin says, startling you awake. The apologetic look he gives you is sweet but, you're so exhausted. You doubt you could move even if you wanted to. 

“But ‘m tired,” you mutter, rolling onto your side. 

“We know, baby but, we gotta clean you up and change your sheets,” Jisung chimes in, sounding as apologetic as Hyunjin looks. Before you can argue further, you find yourself in what you quickly realise are Hyunjin's arms. Blinking up at the man while he carries you like you weigh nothing in the direction of your bathroom. 

How does he still manage to look so pretty? 

“I'll help you clean up while Ji changes your sheets,” he says with a smile and you try your hardest to ignore the gymnastics routine your heart is doing. Jisung shoots you an equally as endearing smile over Hyunjin's shoulder before focusing his attention back on trying to clean up the travesty that is your bed at the moment. God, his ass is so cute. 

Allowing yourself to relax in Hyunjin's arms, maybe whatever your new normal is won't be so bad after all.

Reblogs are greatly appreciated.

Do not repost, edit, copy and/or translate my work. I do not give you my permission to do so, nor will you ever receive it.

Stray Kids Masterlist | Ko-Fi

[crescenthistory]

hi babycakes i LOVE!!!! your fics. every single one of them. and i’ve been thinking…

klepto!barty!!!! klepto!barty!!!!!

barty who just can’t resist taking those cute little bracelets reader wears!!!! barty who’ll steal the occasional polaroid photo from readers dorm!! barty whos not as sneaky as he seems to think… in regards both to his thieving and his feelings…

and you know what? i love YOU baby, thank you for sharing such a beautiful thought

klepto!barty is so real to me, very much in the same way that pyro!barty and compulsive liar!barty are so real to me

in general, i fully believe that barty has self-destructive coping mechanisms and impulse control issues. together, that creates a very spicy and spiky mental health and public persona.

however, it's so interesting to consider how those affect his relationship(s) -> familial, platonic or romantic

i believe he is all-or-nothing in how he loves, and that often involves becoming rather obsessive in both positive and negative ways

and this is at every stage in the relationship – prior, during and after (though the last one will never apply to us ofc...)

he will remember everything you ever tell him. your favourite colour? he wears it. favourite scent? he sprays it everywhere. best memories? he tries to recreate them.

and god forbid you ever rant to him about someone or something that annoys you, because he will fix it. in whatever way suitable.

so yeah, he is not good at hiding his feelings

i think that when he knows about his feelings himself he doesn't really try to hide them either though, he owns them (and you) loudly and proudly

but this boy has a THICK skull and wouldn't know before you two kiss honestly

everytime you walk together he slips something in or out of your purse/pocket/bookbag

slips in something he knows you might like, whether it's a trinket or a crystal for whimsy!reader or a new pen or ink for studious!reader

and he takes whatever feels the most like you, something that gives him that warm rush

like a bracelet, a hairtie, chapstick

(don't even get me started on the obsession he has with your chapstick and lipgloss or lipstick. very much a "i'm jealous of the rain that falls upon your skin" type of man)

in general, it's that rush he chases in everything in life – he needs to feel and he needs to do so intensely

barty was repressed and suppressed by his father for so long, that now if he gets the urge to scream at the top of his lungs, he cannot deign to deny himself that. it fosters chaos for sure, but it is also a quality that will allow you to experience radical comfort in a way you never thought you could.

when he takes something or does something he shouldn't have, it's like he can hear barriers and rules breaking around him like glass, and this little bitch loves it

he might even giggle especially if you enable him

this mf would not be above taking your journal and reading through it either – but he wouldn't even be sneaky or hide it then, he might even do it in front of you

barty always appears VERY comfortable in his own misdoings and chaos. he will just openly take the notebook from your bag, cross his legs and begin reading in front of you as you stare at him affronted.

you might say "excuse me?!" to which he furrows his brows in confusion and asks "what?"

when you become official, your closet is raided on the daily

no matter what house or dorm you're in. barty finds a way.

it is not uncommon for him to walk around in your jumper, but he much prefers when it's something more intimate and discreet that he can carry with him everywhere

like wearing your t-shirt or top beneath his school uniform – he loves knowing that it's there and it's yours and no one else knows

suffice it to say he never cleans your clothes before he takes them either; this is a man that's obsessed with pheromones

nsfw: he is without a doubt an underwear stealer, he hoards them away in his bedside drawer for when he misses you. and to just keep you close.

it's practical for you too, because there's always underwear ready for you at his place! no need to bring any yourself 🙃 end nsfw

he will wear your jewelry too, he absolutely loves seeing a piece of you on his skin

barty is for sure the type to get tattoos of and for his partner. again – all or fucking nothing. and with you, he always goes for all.

klepto!barty is so fun, but so is everything beneath it and what it represents 🤌 thanks for joining me in my brainrot

[techramonic]

A Comprehensive Analysis on Eric Harris, 3.

Disclaimer: This analysis/psychoanalysis is limited only to analysis as a means to reflect and understand the people involved. It is strictly informative. Just like all of my posts, I am detached from the media I write about and solely focus on the people to understand their psychology, for others to gain insight. There is no room for me to romanticize or glorify anything I write because I am only here to explain. I understand and research, but I do not condone. Thank you.

note: This is all solely based on independent research. If I may be wrong with the medical aspects of this post, please correct me. I would appreciate it a lot.

Fluvoxamine Maleate

Just a few days before the shooting, Eric was promptly rejected from his application to serve in the marines. Despite his desirable qualities, he was rejected for the sole reason of being tested positive for consuming a prescripted drug after rejecting that he was off any medication. With a trace of Luvox in his system, theories speculate that the drug's side effects played a role on the events that have transpired. Luvox is a medication prescription drug that is used to treat mental illnesses such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), anxiety, depression, and others. While there are positive effects, the downside are heightened sensations of dread, irritation, depression, and arising violent behaviors. It also has a chance to increase manic symptoms, especially if taken in particularly large doses.

Anti-depressant usage, effects of overdose, and detoxification

When taken over the prescribed dosage, Luvox can lead to increased agression and suicidal ideation and tendencies. Eric was in anger management therapy after being on probation alongside Dylan for attempting to steal a vehicle containing thousands worth of valuable electronics and tools. After getting caught, Eric openly expressed his difficulties in managing his anxiety and explosive anger issues that his counselor said, "he frequently blew up and often cried." Revealing that this influences his homicidal and suicidal thoughts, so he was prescribed Fluvoxamine, which is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRIs). These drugs increase the capacity of the brain to receive serotonin.

According to an interview with Eric's friends, they speculate that Eric was off his medication completely for sometime. Abruptly stopping medication can lead to the development of a more violent response. For some people, drugs are able to fix their chemical imbalances, but it can also lead to withdrawal symptoms of taken for over the duration of 6 weeks. Abruptly discontinuing anti-depressants can lead to rebound depression or relapse. Symptoms may return stronger than before. Furthermore, SSRI's such as Luvox and Prozac take about 5 days to linger in one's system before subsequently washing off.

In a period of 11 months, Eric and Dylan have been under a juvenile detention program at Jefferson County district — this was in 1998, just a year before the shooting. They were allowed to leave the program by early February 1999. After finishing, Eric wrote a letter contained in his juvenile diversion program file. He states, "I learned that thousands of suggestions are worthless if you still believe in violence."

After public demands for stricter regulations on SSRIs after the tragic shooting, Luvox was temporarily banned in 2002. By 2008, drug manufacturers had reformulated Luvox to a controlled-release version specifically designed to treat OCD, excluding indications for depression or anxiety. Subsequently, the FDA approved Luvox CR for the treatment of OCD. The label does not explicitly prohibit prescribing it to the pediatric population, it notes that the smallest dose "may not be appropriate" for children, without providing further explanation.

Eric was about 17 at the time of taking the medication, which means he is part of the pediatric population. Though it's still unclear if he was taking normal doses for a long period of time or taken more than what was prescribed, it is clear that there was negligence with prescribing a child a SSRI that has the posibility of worsening their already apparent symptoms.

Columbine was really a case that opened the public's eyes into the dysfunctional aspects of society and institutions, transcending even to the medical field.

[readerthatreadsss]

hello you can make headcanons about yandere soft elijah mikaelson x fem human reader, where he has several yandere traits but to his lover he is a softie.

Alright anon, I GOTCHU.

Please don't be afraid to let me know how I did cause this is not only my first headcanon post but also my first Yandere one :)

Soft yandere!Elijah Mikaelson headcanons

Warnings: Starts off pretty calm but ends a little smutty so minors beware, sub!reader, yandere themes (possessiveness, manipulation, overprotective behavior, compulsion, mild obsession, denial of said obsession, unhealthy relationship tendencies, etc), breeding kink and edging mentioned, also more nsfw themes...

His siblings and enemies consider him to be noble, but when it comes to you? This man is everything but that.

Jealous, paranoid, overprotective? Yeah, that's Elijah.

The first time he met you had been under less than ideal circumstances but he couldn't help but take immediate note of how beautiful and strong you were. You helped the Salvatores to dagger him but that was quickly forgiven once you helped Elena undagger him a short time after. It was then that he saw that not only were you beautiful but you also had a good heart and were protective of the ones you loved, which was more than he could say for most of his past lovers, so he immediately set his sights on you.

Elijah needs to know where you are and what you're doing constantly or he stops functioning. Like he'll be more irritable than usual, snapping at his siblings, more aggressive with the men he's hired to watch you on the very few occasions when he can't, etc.

Most times he's following you with a small notebook where he writes down new things that he learns about you every day...though after enough time he's convinced that there's nothing about you that he doesn't know.

He saw you smiling at Damon for too long while watching you outside the Mystic Grill (without your knowledge) slashed Damon's car tires and ripped out his steering wheel.

His siblings tease him about his obsession with you and he denies it every time. "This isn't an obsession. I've simply taken a keen interest in her," he'll say.

Elijah takes note of your body language. And that's not just general things like how you struggle to hold eye contact with most people you talk to, or how you lick your lips and clench your jaw when you're frustrated. No, Elijah sees the smallest of habits that you don't even realize that you do on the regular.

He also knows your scent better than he knows himself. Elijah can actually smell your perfume/shampoo/lotion from a mile away and it actually comforts him the moment it hits his nose. When he's close enough or in a room with you, there are times when your scent becomes so overwhelming that he has to stop whatever he's saying or doing, close his eyes, and deeply inhale it so that he can go back to normal, (or as normal as he can pretend to be)

You are deeply involved in all the supernatural lore in Mystic Falls so you know that you're supposed to hate the Mikaelsons...but something about Elijah catches your attention. You liked how calm and composed he was or appeared to be in comparison to his brothers. Though he did things that sometimes hurt your friends, you could see and even appreciate the reasoning behind why he did them. He was also less impulsive than his brothers and sister in the same manner that you were less impulsive than your friends (the Salvatores, mainly).

You were one of the few people in Mystic Falls to engage in a conversation with Elijah that didn't end in a threat. You even once complimented the suit he was wearing that day and Elijah couldn't stop smiling for the rest of that day.

He has and will never lay a hand on you, even when his siblings demand that it would be strategic to harm you to persuade the Salvatores to do what they want. He actually threw Klaus into a bookshelf for even suggesting the idea.

Elijah sneaks into your house and watches you sleep on numerous occasions, and even though he knows it's wrong, he uses his abilities to force dreams he's had of the two of you together into your head while you sleep. He just wants you to see how good you could be together.

Since he started putting those dreams into your head, he's caught you stealing inquisitive glances at him, even with your friends around.

He hired someone to research your internet patterns and reading/music history and bought first editions of your favorite books/records and mailed them to your house that same week. You had no idea who sent them but the package was tied with a thick string that had a pattern that you could have sworn you saw on Elijah's tie the week before.

Since then you've been more hyperaware of your surroundings on your day-to-day. (You actually almost caught Elijah a few times but he managed to speed away before you could catch sight of him)

Elijah is known to be very patient in comparison to his siblings. This applies to you too. He wants you to see that he's the man that you belong with in your own time. But who says he can't continue to persuade you without brash tactics? So Elijah continues to send gifts, jewelry, and your favorite things to your house.

He saw you sitting at the edge of a creek one night and decided that this would be the one time where he would stop hiding and watching and just show his face. You two had a long conversation that night about the stars, (because he knew you were into astrology and astronomy) and he even told you that both your astrological signs were romantically compatible.

It was a lie and you both knew it but he loved the way it made you blush.

That was the night you two first kissed. It was better than the many many times he's imagined it. You were obviously apprehensive at first and he had to take the lead on it but he was more than happy to do so. You gave him your number and told him that you would be interested in going out with him. He already had your number for weeks before but you didn't know that.

It only took a few dates and late-night picnics for him to convince you to become his.

You noticed small differences in his behavior since you became official; he'd get slightly annoyed whenever he'd text or call and you'd say that you were with the Salvatores but if you were with Elena or any other female friends it was no problem, the deadly glares he'd send men in the street when you walked together and one stared at you for even a second (these men would end up missing dead in a dumpsterthat same night without your knowledge), or the way his grip on your hand would get tighter whenever you mentioned Klaus by name.

Once you started dating he insisted that you needed to live with him. He bought a house just so that the two of you could be alone and away from not only his siblings but the drama of Mystic Falls. You didn't agree at first, but Elijah sent two of his men to your house to fake a home invasion and that scared you right into his arms and your new home.

When you moved in with him, Elijah gave you a new phone and told you it was a housewarming present. It actually had a tracker in it and was connected to his own phone so that he could see every call and text you made. He asks you exactly where you're going whenever you leave the house. And of course, he checks his tracker just to double-check.

The longer you dated, the more violent Elijah got when it came to people who tried to harm you or take you away from him. But he never let you see him harm others, and on the rare occasions when you would, he'd compel you to forget it. He couldn't live with himself if he made you afraid of him.

Some of your family members got worried and upset when they went a whole month without seeing you and Elijah compelled them all to move across the country.

Despite having to do all of these outrageous things to keep you to himself, Elijah had never been happier. You were finally his and he would do anything to not only keep you his but to make you fall for him as deep as he had fallen for you.

He considers turning you because all he wants is to spend the rest of his life with you without worrying about human illness or one of his enemies taking you away from him, but he wants you to ask him to do it. He knows that bloodlust isn't something that everyone can handle and only wants you to be happy.

On nights when you'd get into arguments with your friends about your relationship with Elijah and come home sad and angry, he would hold you in his arms and kiss your head while you cried. He hated seeing you cry and would internally seeth with rage at your friends for making you sad. But he'd always find a way to calmly tell you that if it were up to him you'd never see the Salvatores ever again but he understands your loyalty. (he doesn't. he really doesn't like the Salvatores or how close they are to you.)

NSFW hcs up ahead...

Elijah is a primarily gentle lover by nature. For your first time, it was mostly because he thought he wouldn't get the chance to do it again and wanted to make the most of it while he could. But as you continued dating he was only rough with you when you asked him to be...which was most times.

On these days when you asked him to be rough...he would completely oblige. He would never degrade you but praises would easily fall from his lips while he pounded into you from behind with enough force to leave you limping the next day. "You look so beautiful taking me like this, love."

He gets extra possessive during sex. "No one else can ever make you feel this good, huh gorgeous? Tell me who's making you feel this good." "You're all mine, love. No one knows your body like I do," he'd growl with a hand softly resting around your throat while he drives into you with a finger fiddling with your clit. And Elijah was right. He knew what made you tick and what drove you crazy.

Elijah loves edging you. Like he will spend a whole hour working you with his hands or his mouth to the precipice of your orgasm only to pull away. He'd only indulge you once you were a sobbing, blubbering mess, begging for him to fuck you and let you come for him. You always wanted to be good for him so you'd never come without his permission.

He definitely feeds on you during sex (with your permission ofc). He loves the intimacy of the act and even makes you drink his blood sometimes. But Elijah also just loves the taste of your blood. It's painful every time he does it but you love the look of satisfaction that crosses his eyes once your blood hits his tongue, so you swallow the pain and allow him to do it every once in a while.

He absolutely LOVES leaving hickeys on your body. He would shout it from the highest rooftop that you were his if he could (he wanted to but you begged him not to), so for now, he's settled for leaving those deep red marks on your skin to let others know who you belong to. Once you tried to hide them with a scarf and he snatched the scarf from your neck and ripped it to shreds in front of your face.

Elijah worships your body during sex. He will caress and kiss every part he can get his hands on. He quite literally cannot get enough of you. His favorite parts of your body are your shoulder, your inner thighs, and your stomach.

You moaning or screaming his name drives Elijah FERAL. Actually, just you saying his name is music to his ears regardless of the setting. Your voice can soothe him in an instant or be his undoing in the bedroom.

There was one day that he got caught up in the moment and said, out loud, that he'd murder any man who even thought about seeing you like this. But you were so cockdrunk that you didn't register it.

Lastly. Breeding kink. Need I say more? Actually, I'll say more cause why not. Elijah obviously doesn't need to worry about surprise pregnancies with you but that doesn't stop him from whispering in your ears that he's gonna "fuck a baby into you," or that he "loves filling your womb with his come"

I know this was supposed to be soft yandere...but I feel like it kinda got away from me and strayed into REAL yandere territory so I hope that's okay?

Don't be afraid to comment or reblog and my requests are open! Hope you enjoyed <3

[writingwithcolor]

Author with cultural disconnect: How do I write without making it seem as if I hate my own heritage?

Anonymous asked:

I’m a white-passing Asian author, and I’ve never felt all that connected with my heritage. My current story centers on a fairy (re: fantasy-world POC) child and ends with her realizing that her parents are toxic af and her human best friend’s family takes her in. This is the perfect opportunity to sort through my own issues with my heritage and finally convince my monkey-brain that it’s okay to not know how to cook Vietnamese food or celebrate tet or speak Vietnamese… But I also realize that if I’m not careful, this could easily slip into “Hey, I hate my heritage and so should you!” So how can I stop that from happening?

Writing for yourself first, not an audience

I ask you a simple question: why put pressure on yourself to have any sort of non-offensive messaging for a story that hasn’t been drafted yet and is to convince your monkey brain it’s okay to exist as yourself?

That seems like the fastest way to stop the story from being actually cathartic and instead a performance art piece when you already feel hung up on performing as “properly” part of your culture.

As I said in Working Through Identity Issues and Other Pitfalls of Representation, not all stories you write need to be for public consumption. Especially stories you’re using for your own self-processing and therapy, because you’re trying to get a cathartic moment that is rewriting your own story.

At what point does the public need to be involved in that?

I do understand the compulsion to want to post—I have definitely posted some Questionable™ material in my drive to get validation for feeling the way I do, wanting people to witness me and say “same.” It’s a powerful urge. Sometimes it’s worked, but most of the time it’s just made me feel horrifically exposed.

But you really do not have to post in public to get any sort of validation. Set up a groupchat with friends if you want the cheerleading and witnessing—people who will know your story and give you good-faith interpretations and won’t accuse you of anything. Honestly I’d suggest setting up this groupchat anyway; as someone who just got one again after quite a few years without it, my productivity has skyrocketed from being around supportive people.

Let the monkey brain have its monkey brain moment and shut off the concept the story is for the public. Shut off the concept of performing for an unknown audience. It’s for you. Be authentic, no matter how bad it would look to outsiders. They’re not reading it. Part of getting catharsis, sometimes, is being the worst version of yourself, somewhere nobody else can see it.

Deciding to publish the work

If, after you do write it, you find that you actually do want to polish it up and put it somewhere… edit it. Rewrite it entirely if that’s what it takes. Take the story through the same drafting process every story needs to go through, ripping out the unfortunate implications as you go.

Editing can be its own form of healing, as you try to figure out what this character would need to not be hateful. As you realize, once this longform journal entry is out of your head, what was bothering you now that you can see it pinned down on a page. But you absolutely do not need to write with the intention of editing in that healing. When I’ve tried, it’s fallen flat.

The healing will come from being yourself, no public involved, and writing about your feelings in their rawest form. Anything else is extra.

There’s no point in trying to put guard rails on the drafting process, not for a deeply personal piece. And by the time that drafting process is done, you’ll likely have specific scenarios and contexts that you can ask about, and you might even have ideas on how to fix it yourself once the story has a shape to it.

This is 100% a situation where there’s no real sense in idea workshopping something in the plotting stage. You’re doing something for you. Decide if it’s for public consumption later (while acknowledging “no” is a perfectly valid answer), and only figure out how to make the story not overtly harmful if you decide to put it out into the public.

~ Leigh

[idolkilling]

Kinktober No.3 — No One Involved is in Control

no good very bad fucky wucky time (I <3 drawing bad sex!!!)

I kind of imagined it as a reality-warping or extreme involuntary compulsion scenario, maybe with fuck-or-die elements 🤔 TFW you finally get huge goth dick but it’s going bad

Reis is getting railed out of his mind and the yearny pleasure haze is making it hard to form coherent thoughts. An anxious sense of “something isn’t right” holds him at the precipice of dread, but he can’t grasp lucidity hard enough to fight what’s happening; it just feels too good, holy shit, Tarou is fucking him!!! (Except wait, Tarou would never fuck him unless something was wrong. That means something was wrong—)

Tarou’s like, coherent but not in control of his body and can’t check out like he would if he was bottoming against his will, cuz he’s the one actively shoving Reis down and pushing into him, so he’s just there biting his tongue hard enough to bleed and trying not to throw up, cold sweat and everything.

I like drawing sex w/o visible genitals so it’s like a choose your own adventure as to whether he’s being fucked in the ass or pussy… Also I always imagine Tarou with a pierced dick, but I’m like, “But he wouldn’t want a piercer touching him there—” Maybe if Santo (his abusive cousin) did it to him against his will and would re-pierce him even more thoroughly if Tarou ever removed the barbells, so in the end he gave up and kept them in…

[vivacissimx]

The puzzle piece about Rhaegar that is really interesting but unfortunately often overlooked is that he was relieved when he realized he was not TPTWP. Yes, relieved. Conflicted too which I will get into. And I believe it is obvious that when Rhaegar first read about Aegon's prophecy, he was not enthused— It seems I must be a warrior is trotted out to talk about Rhaegar's gender expression, his disconnect with capital m Masculinity that is purposely contrasted to Robert Baratheon reveling in it (indeed only making sense within the context of violence, battle, war) but there is more to the compulsion involved in the words It seems and I must than just It seems I must become an archetype. Socially becoming a fighter was already expected of him but he was not, presumably, in compliance with this expectation. The prophecy motivated him in a different way than you will be socially rewarded for acting as a man does.

Which brings me to another point i.e. how Rhaegar perceived himself prior to reading what he read; his connection to the tragedy of his birth and the grief, the resentment, the awkward dynamics between members of his family. "Oh he was a child" yes but we're told that Rhaegar did not act like, think like, or even particularly get along with others his age. So it's safe to say he was aware of Summerhall and felt it's shadow surrounding him from a young age. And Aegon's prophecy, combined with the Ghost of High Heart's prophecy, the events of Summerhall, put this weight on his shoulders completely into context. It was not that Rhaegar desired to be TPTWP because he took to it with determination but no particular joy. Every indicator just seemed to demand he give himself over to fulfilling this role. TPTWP was coming from Aerys and Rhaella's line? Well, he was their only child. Consult Maester Aemon on the matter? Yeah kid it's you. Ancient scrolls? Dusty, but they agree. Dead ancestors? Oh wait, they died so YOU could live. Woah.

This understanding basically necessitates us looking to ASOS Daenerys who also has some knowledge of TPTWP prophecy, and thanks to the Rhaegar-Daenerys pipeline, we can imagine that Rhaegar had similar thoughts to Daenerys, such as when she asks herself: The dragon has three heads. There are two men in the world who I can trust, if I can find them. I will not be alone then. We will be three against the world, like Aegon and his sisters. Who are Rhaegar's fellow two heads? Daenerys wonders at this, telling Jorah that her brothers are dead. Well Rhaegar's brothers die too, right in front of him. Rhaella suffers miscarriage after stillbirth after crib death. She is punished for this by Aerys via isolation and presumably Rhaegar is also kept separate from her— textually we know that Rhaegar was expected to take a sister to bride, i.e. further targcest was going to be enforced by Aerys, and to Rhaegar the loss would have also been of the other two people who would have fulfilled the requirements of the prophecy. Yes that's true. However, it was also the loss of his mother.

Rhaella was 13 when she had Rhaegar so it would be ridiculous to even think that she, a child, a Queen from when Rhaegar was 3, was this grand maternal figure to him. Of course she wasn't. There was too much on her shoulders. Too much on Aerys's shoulders as well, to be any sort of father except the kind who trotted Rhaegar out as an impressive little heir from time to time. Rhaegar was Aerys's success (it's the duty of the patriarch to sire sons who will continue the line) but as Rhaegar's siblings failed to survive, that success became a dicey thing. So when Viserys was born & survived, there is a thought that Rhaegar would latch onto such a sibling. This isn't the case— in fact, Viserys is Rhaella's. She coddles him. Keeps him close. Safe from Aerys (who already has Rhaegar). Viserys tells Dany stories about Rhaegar but this is done in the sense that he does not truly know Rhaegar. Why wouldn't Rhaegar have spent more time with Viserys, if he was motivated by fulfillment of the prophecy?

Because Viserys was Rhaella's, perhaps. Rhaegar never truly got to be his mother's son. To leech Viserys away from her... there's something in that. When Rhaella warmly welcomed Rhaegar's daughter, too. Rhaella's was Aerys's wife and property, which Rhaegar knew because he was also Aerys's property. Rhaella was mother to his brother. Rhaella was a grandmother to his daughter. She was everything but the woman who raised him.

"Rhaegar was a lonely man anyway due to his depression" yes that's true. There is an asceticism to Rhaegar Targaryen. The places he enjoys are bare and stripped, places he can keep his own company: Summerhall, the place of his birth, haunted, full of magic. Dragonstone where he retreats after his marriage, a place where the last embers of Valyria's magic died. Later the Tower of Joy is in a barren desert. But he finds a beauty in these places. He writes music that pushes him back into the shared world, songs he shares with people, about people, about lovers and those who sacrificed and who he is deeply moved by— almost like he's motivating himself. People are drawn to him.

Despite his lack of connection to Rhaella and Viserys he does bond with people. Arthur Dayne, who for all we can try and complicate, apply horseshoe theory to, is meant as the juxtaposition to characters such as the Smiling Knight. Brave as brass Myles Mooton whose memory his people still call upon. Richard Lonmouth and Jon Connington, both technically vassals to Robert Baratheon, funny little irony there. Princess Elia his wife who he is fond of along with the Dornishmen she comes to court with, "particularly" Prince Lewyn of the Kingsguard, who is in Rhaegar's confidence (per AWOIAF). These bonds seem strong because not a whiff of possible disloyalty on Rhaegar's part ever reaches Aerys despite it definitely existing and Aerys actively looking for it (again per AWOIAF). Do these confidantes know about Aegon's prophecy? IDK. At least in JonCon's case the answer seems to be no. However we also know JonCon wasn't actually the closest to Rhaegar. Nonetheless, I think we can assume that outside of Arthur Myles and Richard most of these were political relationships which Rhaegar pursued and all were concerned about Aerys's instability— there is also Tywin who Rhaegar performs certain overtures towards (such as knighting Gregor, Tywin's man, at a time when the Aerys-Tywin relationship had just grown particularly sour) indicating he'd like him as an ally. This is all straying away from TPTWP but I think it's important, it shows that even imbued with purpose, Rhaegar was in a position that did not lend itself towards him being able to take much action...

Then winter breaks. Spring comes. Nobody knows it's false yet. Rhaegar's whole deal is this coming Long Night. Everyone takes, quite literally, a breath of fresh air, and the tourney of Harrenhal commences, with Rhaegar as a shadow sponsor, thinking to call an informal Great Council which will begin to deal with Aerys (step 1)(step 1 failed).

This is where matters of prophecy come back into focus. I've covered Rhaegar's various relationships, the shallowness of them, the stagnancy in Developments due to Aerys's paranoia, etc. Harrenhal is not a solitary place but it is flush with magic in a way similar to Summerhall and Dragonstone— all places where dragons have died Harrenhal is thematically the cannibal dragon let's not get into that. And this is important to Rhaegar's characterization because of how things unfold with Lyanna Stark in several ways: 1) Lyanna cries to his song. Before they formally meet Lyanna is touched by the magic and purpose and sacrifice and yes, love, of which Rhaegar sings. It speaks to her. Of course, many others likely cried too. Common occurrence, see: A song of love and doom, Jon Connington recalled, and every woman in the hall was weeping when he put down the harp. Not the men, of course. Rhaegar gender moment but I digress. 2) Rhaegar's discovery of her as the KOTLT despite Robert & Richard Lonmouth both vowing to do so, those raucous manly men, both of whom failed; Rhaegar's subsequent hiding of her identity to unknown consequence for himself if any. All he produces is her shield which is painted with a tree on it, a purposeful callback to Duncan the Tall's shield, both Lyanna and Dunk being 'false knights' yet, in their actions, true ones. Sorry I love Lyanna so much I can't resist plugging her greatest hits 3) Rhaegar winning the tourney, the only tourney he's ever won... and immediately tainting his victory by awarding it to Lyanna instead.

I bring this all up and frame it because here we see that Rhaegar is not really invested in his own victory or legacy or even really his honor. His wife Princess Elia is there and she is pregnant with his son, something he could commemorate in the same vein that Aerys "honored" Rhaegar by showcasing him at various tourneys, an ode to a future warrior king, but Rhaegar doesn't do that. It's not his victory as a Man. It's never been about his victory as a Man. It doesn't even need to be his victory.

Neither does Aegon's prophecy. Rhaegar rapidly realizes that on two fronts: second, the false spring ends. It wasn't real! Rhaegar's spring isn't the lasting one. First, though, is that Rhaegar and Elia's son Aegon is born, a difficult birth in which Elia is rendered infertile. Who does this remind you of? Oh right, Aerys with Rhaella— only Rhaegar does not go about trying to impregnate Elia again. Rhaegar becomes convinced Aegon is TPTWP— something he was already thinking, prior. Rhaegar was never so invested in himself being TPTWP that he could not be convinced otherwise. Maester Aemon: Rhaegar, I thought... the smoke was from the fire that devoured Summerhall on the day of his birth, the salt from the tears shed for those who died. He shared my belief when he was young, but later he became persuaded that it was his own son who fulfilled the prophecy, for a comet had been seen above King's Landing on the night Aegon was conceived, and Rhaegar was certain the bleeding star had to be a comet. Rhaegar agreeing "when he was young" and being "certain the bleeding star had to be a comet" all indicate that he had been looking into the possibility that TPTWP was Not Him for a while. The visits to Summerhall— maybe they were a search for proof by encasing himself in the lingering magic of the place? He still messed up the prince/princess translation presumably because baby Rhaenys never seemed to be in the conversation. (The bleeding star was in fact a comet, funnily enough, a little consolation prize for the pretty boy.) Here's what we know: in Daenerys's vision, Elia asks if Rhaegar will write Aegon a son, we can assume because he wrote their firstborn Rhaenys a song, but Rhaegar says no, he already has one. The song of ice and fire. Aegon doesn't get a song. Why? Rhaegar believes he must be a warrior.

Yet, he sings for him anyway.

Rhaegar's "it seems" and "I must" and distance from Viserys and inner conflict about Aerys and doubt about his own place in the grand scheme of things all come to fruition with Aegon's birth. Rhaegar isn't TPTWP— and it spurs him into action. A weight is off his shoulders so now he can act. As in the case of crowning Lyanna, when the purpose of a task is not to honor or elevate him, we see Rhaegar able to perform in ways he could not before.

Namely there are two veins: acting against Aerys and seeking out information of the prophecy, but Rhaegar's general direction (through the Riverlands past Harrenhal) seems to indicate that he was headed towards the Ghost of High Heart. Not Summerhall, a place of mysticism meant to soothe Rhaegar. Rather a place of pain. The Ghost of High Heart who gorged on grief at Summerhall, who only ever demands Jenny's song (which Rhaegar seems to have wrote), who sees in Arya who looks like Lyanna, who looks like Jon, death. But instead of ever making it there... Rhaegar meets Lyanna.

And then they disappear. There are the Rhaegarwars to consider so I'm just going to say that, at the least, Lyanna did not want to marry Robert though society dictated that she must, and in removing her, she was removed from this. From there she came to be in Dorne in a place that was desolate desert, but similar to Summerhall, which was also abandoned, held something of magic in that it was near where Those Who Sing The Song of the Earth had split the Arm of Dorne. We can say a lot more about this but that's not the point of the post. I have explained Rhaegar as a person disconnected from his mother, later a person who in several manners refuses to act as Aerys did towards Rhaella, indicating that disconnect troubled him — Rhaegar's limited amount of close relationships with people he admired and the deep loyalty shown to him, presumably for a reason — Rhaegar's willingness to interrogate himself & his assumptions about the world.

So when I say Rhaegar was relieved what I mean is that upon suspecting and, to his mind, confirming that he was not the fulfillment of Aegon's prophecy, Rhaegar became proactive in ways he had yearned for but not been able to before. The Rhaegar that died with Lyanna's name as his last word was not a Rhaegar who died thinking the world was doomed without him. I think the Rhaegar that died on the Trident was a Rhaegar who had escaped the shadow of fate only to meet it, face to face.

[lilacxquartz]

jjk x reader: their love language 💓

scenario: how they would show you they love you — included: satoru gojo, choso kamo, kento nanami & shoko ieiri — themes: fluff, romance, established relationships, slightly suggestive content — w.c: under 400 words each • masterlist • on ao3

a/n: valentines weekend! so, today is jjk themed 🫶

Satoru Gojo: [Touch]

For a man with a schedule as hectic and overwhelming as his own, Satoru always, no matter what, made some extra time for you. He could be at the verge of collapse with his eyelids drooping shut, but he’d always—without fail—find a way to keep you involved.

For the better part, the bulk of his perverted little teasing texts were largely all talk—not because he enjoyed leaving you hanging—but due to being physically spent by the end of the day. When it could happen though? What a bonus that was—what an absolute treat.

He’d otherwise wrap his arms right around you, holding onto you so very tight; his lips pressing against the crook of your neck, refusing to part. Satoru would pull you close to him, reeling your back against his chest, caging you in however he could.

Sometimes, you’d fall asleep just like this, with you being his place of comfort. His safe space, but, should he have enough stamina for the day, then he’d make you both feel good.

Satoru, after all, if he could get his hands on you—all around you—would not be able to stop at just a simple touch. His affection would linger and seek to mingle with any sort of potential pleasure because you were just that perfect in his eyes.

But again, it wasn’t the only thing.

Above the heat that he felt for you, he was also just content with the warmth you provided, whatever form that took place in.

~~~

Choso Kamo: [Quality Time]

Choso, who was still very new to embracing humanity, was even more inexperienced when it came to the concept of romantic relationships. All he had ever known before was a platonic and protective sort of love, which by the way—did carry onto you for the most part—but then he started to love you differently.

For a while, any sort of physical touch, however, was overwhelming for him and he proposed the compromise of taking it slowly with you out of a deep-rooted fear of accidentally hurting you. You’d instead sit with each other in the same space, just quietly attending to your own things, getting used to each other’s company.

After a while, too, he began to get more comfortable with you and he’d hold onto your hand tighter, or the hugs he gave would linger. Despite this, he never once rushed you, letting anything physical beyond that reach fall into place naturally.

Organically.

In short, he simply just loved you by being with you.

It was all he ever wanted and craved.

~~~

Kento Nanami: Communication

Kento was a surprisingly nervous man outside of his cool work demeanour. You and him were both sorcerers who both worked in a dangerous profession, so he developed an anxious habit of fussing and worrying about you over the years.

As such, Kento developed an almost compulsive need with needing to know what you were doing, no matter how mundane. At first, he thought that he was overbearing, but to his surprise and comfort, you informed him that you didn’t even mind! What joy! Ever since then, he was an always lurking, constant presence in your life.

Every morning, if you had different missions, he’d ask you for a good morning selfie, or if you were making breakfast, he wanted the partial process and the end result. Even when you were doing your skincare or just reading a book, he always wanted to know what it was that his perfect wife was up to.

Beyond that, he loved listening to you talk.

Should you share the bed on a rare night together, then he could spend hours listening to you ramble away.

He’d be disappointed when you stopped, of course, but then he’d get to hold you throughout the night when you were all talked out.

And safe in his arms.

~~~

Shoko Ieiri: Acts of Service

Admittedly, Shoko became a sorcerer for monetary reasons. There was nothing quite like the salary of a sorcerer and she was in extreme demand with her reverse cursed technique. Throughout the years however, even despite her pricy habits, she never really had a chance to spoil herself.

So, when you came along, it was the first thing that she did. Right away, she knew that she wanted to spoil the hell out of you.

This wouldn’t be just limited to just money, though, oh no, no. She would massage you, daily, after missions and cook you dinner if she had the energy. She’d spend ages just holding you, running lazy circles along your skin (and at times, between your thighs and even further than that).

What came to her as the biggest surprise, however, was when you started matching her in that same way. Suddenly, she was the spoiled one with flowers showing up in the med bay for her, or her lunch being packed or paid for. She’d often find a hot bath waiting for her when she got home or sometimes you’d treat her to a spa night, taking care of her skincare for when she was too tired to do so.

It was little things like that that helped her feel so important and of course, she knew you felt the same way.

The two of you were in fact, perfect for each other from the very start.

[astrobiscuits]

Solar Return obs 1

Before we start...

For the best results, always ALWAYS compare your Solar Return chart with your Natal chart. For pinpointing the exact timing when something will happen in your love life, look up at your upcoming Venus Return chart. When does it start? Now compare it with your next Solar Return. If you have planets in your 7th house in Solar Return, notice if they are proeminent in your current Venus Return chart. Bingo! You've just found out when these planets are going to get activated (around the date of the Venus Return chart)

Without further do, let's roll the SR observations!💗

🦩 Jupiter in 4th house indicates moving abroad that year

🦩 While Uranus in 4th house brings sudden, unexpected changes in your home life. Moving to another house? You bet. Redecorating your whole house because you just woke up with the urge to do so? Could be another possibility

🦩 Jupiter trine Venus in SR brings an easiness to manifesting everything you want that year. If Jupiter/Venus is in 2nd house trining the other planet, then you might also get lots of gifts

🦩 Venus in 2nd house also indicates spending more than usual on material possesions that year (compulsive shopping much)

🦩 Sun conjunct Saturn and Venus in 6th house = becoming "that girl". Your main focus will be on building a solid, stable routine for yourself, that also looks aesthetically pleasing

🦩 Stellium in 10th house/11th house = high chance of becoming (internet) famous. Bonus points is Jupiter is involved (i started my blog while my current SR has a 10th house stellium and i have to thank you guys for showing such big support for this blog🥹 thank you)

🦩 Jupiter in 9th house can indicate travelling abroad for the purpose of experimenting different lifestyles (For ex. you visit Guatemala because you want to experience what is like to be a Guatemalian - you want to try all their traditional dishes, learn their traditional dances and open up your mind to a different culture)

🦩 Another meaning of Jupiter in 9th house is that you might go abroad for college or if you start college in your homecountry, then you're probably going to major in foreign languages, philosophy or religion

🦩 Pluto in 4th house could mean uncovering a family secret. Don't be surprised if you find out that you're adopted or you have family members alive that you didn't know about👀

🦩 Moon in 4th house means that you'll feel much more nostalgic that year. You might spend more time with your mother than usual, reminescence on your childhood memories or look through old photos of you and your family

🦩 If you're in a relationship and you've got Neptune in 7th house in your next SR, then i'm sorry to disappoint you, but expect a year where you might question your partner's loyalty. I'm not saying your partner is going to cheat, but for some reason you might feel more suspicious of them than usual

🦩 Mars in 8th house = expect more sex than usual lol

🦩 If Pluto squares Mars and one of these planets is in the 4th house/5th house/7th house/10th house/11thouse, beware of power plays and toxic dynamics in your family/friendships/relationship (for 4th,5th,7th or 11th house) or at your workplace (for 10th house)

🦩 Moon in 12th house indicates that you're going to be more secretive with your emotions. You won't tell people how you feel and at times you might be confused about your own emotions, because you'll have the tendency to surpress them

🦩 With Jupiter conjuncting Ascendant (doesn't matter if it's in the 12th house or 1st house), expect to be constantly blessed by the Universe without doing anything. One of the most luckiest placements you could have in your SR

🦩 Neptune trine Mercury indicates a high chance of coming up with a creative masterpiece that year (it can be in any domain: arts, music, writing, acting, u name it)

🦩 Saturn in 2nd house can indicate going on a diet that year

🦩 Mars in 3rd house indicates being more argumentative that year than usual. You might speak at a faster pace or speak before thinking twice

🦩 Indicators in SR for meeting your future spouse:

SR Juno conjuncts SR Sun/Moon/Venus

SR Juno conjuncts SR Descendant

SR Juno conjuncts one of your natal, personal planets

Natal Juno conjuncts one of your SR planets

If the 5th house/7th house is involved, then you'll also start dating them/be in a relationship with them that year!!

🦩 If you've been struggling with fear of dying, Sun in 12th house indicates a year when you'll probably overcome this fear. During this year, you're more prone to dive deeper into what happens after death, which will naturally ease your anxiety

🦩 I had Capricorn rising with Pluto and Saturn in 1st house this year and it was ROUGH. Capricorn risings sets the theme for the year as a year with hardships, obstacles and difficulties in achieving happiness. Saturn in 1st house brings a lower than usual sense of self-esteem, while Pluto in 1st house tells us about a major change when it comes to how others perceive us. This change isn't as sudden as the changes Uranus brings, more like something that has been boiling for a while in the dark and now it finally comes up to the surface. This year i decided to pursue astrology as my (future) career and i've also told people in my life about it. I felt like i was truly reborn compared to where i was last year

[mymoodwriting]

8.3k, Railway AU, yandere themes, vampires, kidnapping, human experimentation, reader is a geneticists, blood bags, research facility on island, compulsion, manipulation, firearms, guns, mentions of blood and death, implied murder, hostage, feeder, assault, abuse, smut, non-con, dub-con, aphrodisiac, fangs, claws, blood drinking, penetration, gropping, minor injuries, multiple rounds implied, imprisonment, physical harm, amnesia (@starillusion13)

“You must be new here… pretty puppet.”

Your grip on the clipboard in hand got tighter, shaking a bit from the nervousness. You still didn’t understand your situation at all, but you were trying not to show fear. A few hours ago you had woken up tied to a chair in what you could only describe as a classroom. You weren’t the only one present, but just like the others you were gagged and facing what you assumed was the front as a giant ‘welcome’ was projected onto the white wall. A while later this woman in a lab coat walked in, greeting everyone with this eerie enthusiasm. She said you had been chosen to assist with a secret government project, and your field of expertise was needed. You were a geneticist, recently graduated too. You didn’t have a proper job yet, and you didn’t imagine this would be it.

Although it was clear you had no say in the matter. The lady told you that you would be compensated handsomely, and not to try anything stupid. This project was located on an island, and highly guarded. As long as you cooperate there would be no issues. After this warm welcome you were all untied and then a guard escorted you to your room. From there you were told to get comfortable, a suitcase with some of your belongings had been brought for you, so you could unpack a bit. Someone would come by later to collect you. The fact some of your things had been brought let you know that you had been kidnapped in the night from your own place. You couldn’t imagine what was going on back home. Still, if you ever wanted to return, you’d have to behave. So you waited patiently until someone came.

Your room was nice and had everything you needed, which meant there was no problem locking you in. When you heard the door unlock you stood up, anxious to see who was there. To a bit of your surprise it was the lady who welcomed you that appeared. She still had that smile on her face, properly introducing herself as Dr. Yun, head of the research project. You were given a lab coat and clipboard, then told to follow her. You were shown around, starting to see how this place resembled a prison more than an actual lab. Apparently this project involved human experimentation, and you could see people wrapped up in bandages inside those cells. The team here was trying to enhance human biology. Now you better understood why you were there.

After the tour your role was being explained to you. They had a variety of samples they wanted you to examine and report on. From the sounds of it, they had high expectations of you, which just added to your nerves. You expected to be taken to an actual lab at some point, but instead Dr. Yun wanted to introduce you to someone. An isolated cell, bigger than the others, housed one individual. They weren’t like the others. Instead of bandages they wore proper clothes, and seemed to be going over some papers of their own. You could assume they were also part of the research team, but didn’t understand why they were locked up. Then Dr. Yun banged her clipboard against the door to get the other’s attention. They looked up and when you saw their eyes you froze. Those eyes, one normal and the other white, couldn’t be human.

“You must be new here, another poor soul dragged into this hell, aren’t I right, pretty puppet?”

“This is Dr. Bang.” Dr. Yun introduced. “He’s a consultant on our research. Although you likely won’t see him that much.”

“Ah…”

With all introductions done you were finally taken to an actual lab. This place you understood, and you were shown your station, being told where the samples were and how they expected you to submit reports. You still had many questions, but you kept them all to yourself. From what you had seen, if you did something they didn’t like you’d probably end up joining the experiment unwillingly, and you really didn’t want that. Now that everything was in place you got into a routine. You’d be given a simple breakfast to eat in your room, then Dr. Yun or a guard would escort you to the lab. Come lunch time you were escorted to the cafeteria. You and many others mostly ate in silence, the senior researchers openly engaging in conversations about the project or their own lives.

You’d spend your whole day in the lab, looking over different blood samples and reporting on the genetic makeup of each. There were a few anomalies here and there, but nothing drastic, and nothing that could really tell you what was going on. At the end of the day you were returned to your room and given dinner. Afterwards you’d wash up in your personal bathroom and then lie in bed. It wasn’t easy to fall asleep the first few days, but over time you got used to it. You trusted that you’d go home someday, so you just had to make it until then. Since the days were basically the same time didn’t have much meaning. The days just blurred together. That is until the morning Dr. Yun escorted you to Dr. Bang’s cell instead of the lab.

You were rightfully nervous, not sure why you were going to see Dr. Bang. Moreso when you saw Dr. Yun pull out a keyring and step over the white line, going to the cell door. Even if you weren’t supposed to be here, you were told to always stay behind the white line, where you were out of reach, so this didn’t make sense. You looked into the cell, but didn’t see Dr. Bang anywhere, so maybe he wasn’t around. When the door opened Dr. Yun told you to follow her, which you did so hesitantly. You looked around the cell, seeing some papers on the wall, but overall the cell actually seemed frightening. There were red stains on the walls and you finally got a good look at the weird decorations. You though there were just a bunch of weird lamps around but now you could see what they really were. Besides the jewels draped over them you could see all the blood bags.

“… what…”

“I’m sure you’ve at least sensed by now that Dr. Bang isn’t human.”

“Uh…”

“Come here.”

You went over to where Dr. Yun was, standing next to a table with something under a sheet. Once you got close enough she pulled back the sheet just enough to reveal Dr. Bang’s face. You screamed and stepped back. Seeing him up close, you could make out how pale he truly was, not to mention the lack of breathing.

“Is he…”

“No. Of course not, just rendered a corpse when he’s starved.”

“Starved?”

“Still haven’t figured it out?”

Dr. Yun chuckled, reaching under the sheet to pull out Dr. Bang’s hands, revealing claws. Then she carefully opened his mouth so you could see his silver fangs. Everything clicked into place then, and your eyes went wide.

“Vampire…”

“Correct.”

“They… they’re real…”

“Apparently so, and we’re fortunate to have one here with us.”

“How… how did you…”

“A long story, but I don’t have all the details.”

“Okay… uh… why are we here… why is he…”

“As you can imagine, he’s not completely here of his own will, but we have our ways to keep him under control.”

“Ah…”

Dr. Yun had brought a briefcase with them and set it down on an empty table. It was filled with blood bags and she asked you to help replace the empty ones. As you did so she explained that all the blood that was provided to him was that of an animal’s and it was tainted with sedatives and other narcotics. It was enough for him to be alive and well, but not at full strength nor have access to any of his other powers. Still, it was best to be cautious, so he was kept in a cell and no one was allowed near him when conscious. Of course when he ran low on blood he knew to lie down on the table and be patient. Once it was safe to enter the cell someone would replace his blood bags. To end it all Dr. Yun stuck a needle in his arm, making sure the blood was flowing and then ushered you out of the cell, locking the door behind her.

“He’ll be up in a couple of hours.”

“… why… why do you keep him here… why is he… alive…?”

“Scared, are ya? Of what his existence means?”

“I can’t really… grasp the situation…”

“That’s alright, it is hard to believe at first.”

“And he… consults… on the research?”

“He’s quite old and knowledgeable, but also a great specimen. If our goal is to enhance the human race, he can certainly help. We’ve taken donations from him to use in our research as well.”

“You mean… you’ve used vampire blood on the subjects? Is that what I’m seeing in the samples?”

“I’m certain we can figure out a way to give a human all the powers of a vampire without the bloodlust. Imagine it, such an achievement would be incredible.”

“Right…”

You still needed time to process the whole situation. Honestly you had forgotten about Dr. Bang once you really got into your own routine, but now that you knew the truth he’d certainly be stuck in your head for days. Although as you pondered over all this information you came to a grim realization. Dr. Bang was a vampire, which meant vampires and other supernatural creatures existed, but this information wasn’t publicly known. Now that you knew this secret, the chances of you ever going home were slim.This was the type of knowledge you would be killed over. By telling you all this Dr. Yun basically sealed your fate. Although that wasn’t the only reason for sharing such information with you.

It was difficult to get back into your routine. As you were escorted to the lab your gaze always went in the direction of Dr. Bang’s cell. By now you knew he was on his feet again, doing who knows what for this project. You were far more terrified to be here now, but there wasn’t much you could do about it. Not everyone knew about Dr. Bang or what he really was, so talking about him was forbidden. Not that you had anyone to talk to, it wasn’t really easy to make friends in such a place. Sometime later Dr. Yun took you back to Dr. Bang’s cell, briefcase in hand. She wanted you to help with the blood bags again, and it’s not like you could refuse. It seemed that this would be something added to your routine every once in a while, but then it changed again.

“You… you want me to… by myself…?”

“You can handle it.”

This time around, Dr. Yun handed you the briefcase and keyring, telling you to change the blood bags on your own. It wasn’t a difficult task, but going into Dr. Bang’s cell alone seemed unnerving. Still, you didn’t really have a choice in the matter. At least you wouldn’t be completely alone as a guard would escort you and wait outside the cell. You fumbled with the keys a bit, your own nerves getting the better of you but you managed to steady your breathing and unlock the cell. It seemed scarier now that you walked in all by yourself, but you had to remind yourself nothing was going to happen. Dr. Bang wasn’t technically alive at the moment, and you just needed to change the blood bags and be on your way. Simple and easy. You worked quickly, making sure everything was done right and put the needle in his arm before rushing out.

Unfortunately this wouldn’t be the last time you do such a task alone, but after a few times you got used to it. After all, you were just changing blood bags, and no one was technically in the cell with you. Although a few times the sheet would slip down enough for you to see Dr. Bang’s face. You couldn’t really deny the beauty, but at the moment he was technically a corpse, so such thoughts were weird. Despite the fact Dr. Yun had originally told you that you wouldn’t see much of Dr. Bang, that was clearly turning into a lie. Moreso when another task was added to your routine. It was nothing crazy, you just had to deliver some papers to Dr. Bang, which meant you had to see him in person, when he was awake. This errand made you nervous, but once again you couldn’t deny it.

“It’s you, isn’t it?”

“Uh…”

Dr. Bang chuckled. “No need to be afraid, although, I do like the scent. That’s how I know you’re the one who’s been changing my blood bags. I see Dr. Yun delegated that task to her new subordinate. How nice. Truly, to wake to a different scent lingering in my presence. Your fear and nerves now replaced by your own essence. It’s delightful.”

“I… I’m just here… to… to…”

“I know, I know. You have the latest reports. There’s a little drop box to your left, just place the files there. Don’t worry, I can’t reach you.”

“Right…”

You walked over to where the drop box was, staying behind the white line. You heard footsteps, glancing over at the cell door for a moment and seeing Dr. Bang against the bars, hands sticking out, watching you. Seeing him up close, you could really see how he was inhuman, yet beautiful. Although the piercing white left eye snapped you back to your senses and you looked away. It didn’t help much as you could feel his gaze on you.

“Until next time, pretty puppet.”

Once you finished your task you scurried off, not wanting to linger longer than necessary. Although you knew you’d be seeing him again and again. Reports were to be delivered weekly and around the same time, so he knew when to expect you. So now, when you showed up, he was already at the door, watching you and talking, trying to get you to talk to him, but you held your tongue. Or at least you tried to. He spoke so softly, sounding genuinely curious about you. Which you could understand. You had no idea how long he had been locked up here, and he probably didn’t get much of a conversation out of anyone, so it was probably very lonely. Still, he wasn’t always so kind, yet he was probably the most honest person on the whole island.

“You know this is all a lie, right?”

“…”

“Not the research of course, the scientists here really are trying to evolve the human race, but it’s not actually government sanctioned.”

“What…?”

“They kidnapped you, remember. Brought you to an isolated island. You don’t even know where in the world you are, do you? Not to mention I’m sure you’ve realized by now that there is no leaving. You’re on this island til you die, or the research succeeds and you’re one of the first artificially evolved humans, or you become a test subject, I suppose it all depends.”

“…”

Truth was, you had already figured that part out. This place was too odd and scary to be sanctioned by any government. The real question was who was funding all of this, and what kinda rotten luck did you have to end up here.

“Don’t be sad, pretty puppet. It’s not so-”

“I’m not a puppet!”

“Ah, she speaks, you’ll take the pretty part of the nickname though? How cute.”

“You-”

“What’s your name then, pretty puppet?”

“…”

“Come on now, you already broke the rules and spoke to me, might as well continue. I’ll go first, Doctor Bang Chan at your service.”

“You… your name is Chan?”

“Yes, and yours?”

“…”

“Tsk, tsk, tsk, just spit it out, I won’t bite.”

“… y/n…”

“Y/n… how… cute.”

You really weren’t supposed to talk with Dr. Bang, just deliver papers, but he wasn’t just gonna keep quiet. You tried to keep things to a minimum, but he’d always say something to catch your attention. He didn’t seem like a monster that needed to be locked up, but you couldn’t do anything about it. Not that you should. You knew nothing about him, there was a reason he was here, not to mention helping with the research.

“Y/n…”

“Hm?”

“You know what I would really love…”

“Huh?”

You glanced at Chan, meeting his gaze, and you found it hard to look away. Since last week you had been noticing his stiff moments and scratchy voice. He was running low on blood, and slowly starving, yet he put on a smile for you. In a few days he’d be dead on the table and you’d change his blood bags. You didn’t really like watching him deteriorate, but it’s not like you were going to enter his cell and change his blood bags while he was still up. You had no idea what he was truly capable of.

“I’d love… to taste your blood.”

“What…?”

Chan broke out into a maniacal laughter, and his words certainly snapped you out of your daze. You stumbled back a bit, realizing it was time to go. Regardless of your feelings, and their fluctuations, this moment did well to remind you Chan was a vampire and extremely dangerous.

✷

The next morning you felt a bit groggy, struggling to get out of bed but you had to nonetheless. You felt off and decided to take a quick shower before you were escorted to the lab. Even your arm hurt, but you had to focus. If you were caught lacking somehow you feared the consequences. The next day you felt better, and as you predicted it wasn’t long before you were given a briefcase. You knew where you had to go. Although it was different this time. You weren’t just walking into an empty room anymore. After changing a few of the bags you pulled back the sheets, seeing Chan in a new light. 

It felt wrong to see him like this, knowing he was basically dead, and tomorrow he’d be alive again. You finished up with the last bag, placing the needle in his arm and heading out. You glanced back once more before closing the door and locking it behind you. In a few hours he’d be back to his usual self. At least that was what you thought. In reality, in a couple of hours everything was going to change.

Chan took in a deep breath as he regained consciousness, feeling a long forgotten energy coursing through his veins. He stumbled to his feet, feeling insanely parched compared to before. He desperately reached for the blood bag connected to the needle in him, biting into it with his fangs. It had been so long since he tasted human blood. He greedily drank every last drop, feeling discombobulated as his body adjusted and grew strong, remembering what it was like to be properly fed. Still, he knew this was his grand moment and he was not going to waste it. Chan gathered his things, going to the door of his cell and bending the bars to test his strength. He could feel it all coming back to him, and soon enough he broke down the door with ease.

“Doctor… Doctor Bang…”

A guard seemed to recognize Chan as he made his way to the upper levels, and he couldn’t help but smile as he saw the fear on their face. All he had to do was flash his fangs and make them run, and run they did. He could hear the crackle of a radio, a code black being called out. Soon enough the lights changed, showing what seemed to be emergency lights. Then to his own surprise some of the cells were opened. It seemed there great idea was to distract him for the moment by dealing with the deranged human subjects they kept locked up. He didn’t mind, he could use the blood, and the fun.

✷

You were in the lab when the lights changed, and those around you began to panic. You didn’t understand what was going on, but then you heard sirens, and a code black being called out. Since you had no idea what was happening you just followed the flow, leaving the lab with the others. Then you heard it. Screams and gunfire. The first thing that came to mind was that one of the more unstable subjects had gotten loose, but this seemed to be something more. As moved with the others you stumbled in your steps and then heard a very loud scream. You instinctively looked back to find the source, and then you saw it. Chan was out of his cell, attacking anything that got in his way. His escape was the code black.

Your eyes went wide with realization and you scrambled to your feet, starting to run. You just followed the others, having no idea what the protocol was for this. Although you suddenly remembered something from your first day. There was a control center in the building, you had been shown it on your tour. All incoming and outgoing signals went through there, and if help needed to be called, that was the place to go. You separated from the group and went to the control center, surprised and relieved to see Dr. Yun and some of the other seniors there as well. Although no one seemed to be placing a distress signal.

“What… what’s going on…?”

“Y/n, you’re here? Surprising. Don’t worry, everything is under control, take a seat.”

“Okay…”

You wanted to believe them. You didn’t know everything about this place, so surely they had a plan in place to contain Chan. You took an empty seat, taking a moment to catch your breath. You looked at the control panel before you, noticing a button with a case over it. All it said was ‘distress signal’ but it didn’t seem to be activated. You tried to ask Dr. Yun about it, but she seemed to be busy with something else. Surely all these people knew what they were doing, so you just needed to sit quietly and wait. That’s what you did until the door was kicked off its hinges, Chan walking in. He playfully twirled around his cane, covered in blood, taking in his surroundings. Before he could even speak Dr. Yun had drawn a gun, aiming it at him. Although he didn’t seem to be frightened.

“You really think that’s gonna work on me?” Chan chuckled. “I guess it makes you feel safe, doesn’t it?”

“How the hell did you get out!?”

“With a little help, isn’t that right, y/n?”

“What!?” You yelled. “I, I didn’t-”

“You betrayed us!” Dr. Yun pointed the gun at you. “Are you out of your mind!?”

“No! No, I didn’t help him! I never-”

“Calm down now, doctor.” Chan interrupted. “Don’t yell at her, she didn’t know what she was doing. Even now she has no idea what she’s done.”

“That’s not possible! You’re not strong enough to use compulsion!”

“That’s what you think.”

“Well, if I save my energy and use it at the right moment on the oh so impressionable mind you gave to me, anything is possible, don’t you think?” Chan teased. “You probably shouldn’t have delegated your tasks, huh? You got bored of me so fast, I bet you’re regretting it now.”

“You… you…” Dr. Yun aimed the gun back at Chan. “You are never getting off this island!”

In the blink of an eye Chan stood before Dr. Yun, yanking the gun out of her hand and then tossing it to you. Fear had immobilized you, yet your body moved to catch the gun and then aim it at your senior. Your hands were shaking, but you had no control over yourself.

“What are you doing, y/n! Shoot him!”

“I… I… I can’t… move…”

“My pretty little puppet won’t hurt her master, you know that.”

Chan sauntered over to you, coming up behind you. When he placed a hand on your shoulder you jumped, but stayed in place. His chuckle reverberated through your whole body, making your heart race. He was well aware of this, and seemed to enjoy it.

“So excited to see me, but don’t worry my pretty little puppet. I don’t want you getting your hands dirty.”

Chan took the gun from your hand, disassembling it and then attacking the others in the room. You remained frozen in horror as blood splashed onto you, ultimately making you stumbled back a bit. He didn’t really kill anyone, he seemed to have other plans, and out of the corner of your eye you saw the distress call button. Without hesitation you pressed it, the little light under it flashing red. For a moment you felt some kind of relief, and then you found yourself pressed against a wall, Chan glaring daggers at you before laughing.

“Aren’t you adorable? You think that little button is gonna help you? No one is coming to your rescue. I told you this is someone’s secret little experiment, they won’t risk exposure getting any others involved. It’s just you and me now.”

“Please… please don’t kill me…”

“I will do no such thing my pretty little puppet, so don’t be afraid.”

You felt sharp claws brush against your cheek, making you flinch. Chan merely laughed at your actions, knowing very well you were at his mercy. He grabbed your chin and forced your eyes to meet. The smile on his face was the same as before, but everything else had changed.

“Now, how about a proper taste of the delicious blood you gave me, hm?”

It wasn’t a question, and within seconds Chan had buried his fangs in your throat. You screamed out, feeling the pain of the bite, and squirming in his grasp before a dangerously pleasurable sensation began to overtake you. Your hands desperately clawed at Chan’s back, but you couldn’t fight him. With every drop of blood he drank he grew stronger and stronger, and you became weaker and weaker. The edges of your vision were going dark but you didn’t really feel fear. When Chan pulled away he took in a deep breath, a devilish smile on his face as he licked his lips. You could only see his blurry face knowing you were second from slipping away into darkness.

“Rest, my pretty little puppet. There is much to do.”

✷

You inhaled sharply as you regained consciousness, grabbing your head as this throbbing pain overtook you. Images flashed before your eyes and you thought back to what had happened to you. Before Chan’s big escape he told you that he wanted to taste your blood, you just didn’t know he compelled the idea into your head. Without realizing you had stolen an empty blood bag and needles, drawing your own blood that night. When the time came to change his blood bags you snuck the extra one with you, swapping it out and using it as the blood bag that would awaken Chan. This was your doing, you just weren’t a willing participant. 

“… why… why…”

“Are you finally awake, my pretty little puppet?”

You jumped as you suddenly realized Chan was next to you, leaning in close. You moved away and nearly fell off the table but he grabbed your arm, chuckling.

“Easy there, wouldn’t want you getting hurt.”

“… let go… please…”

“Why? You scared of me now that I’m up close? I’ve been looking forward to this.”

“… why… why are you doing this…?”

“What? Did you think I’d remain in captivity for eternity?”

“I… you’re not… getting off… the island… I don’t-”

“Darling, you think I don’t know anything about this place?”

“… what…?”

“If there were ever any visitors they’d arrive by helicopter, but that stopped decades ago.” Chan explained. “Although, once a month a delivery ship comes by to drop off supplies. Untainted blood bags, food, lab equipment, and all the stuff. The next one is due in two weeks. When it arrives, I’ll take control, and sail to the mainland with my children.”

“Your… what…?”

“Ah, right, you’ve been out for nearly a day. Come, let me show you what I mean.”

Chan helped you to your feet, laughing as you were still shaky on your legs. You had no idea how much Chan had taken from you, but clearly you had yet to recover. He had no problem helping you, keeping a hand around your waist. The facility was dead silent. All the cells were empty, no guards were present, it was a ghost town. Chan took you out to the courtyard, it was a bright and sunny day. Your gaze immediately fell to Chan who had his eyes shut, basking in the sun. After a moment he started chuckling and turned to you.

“Did you think I’d burst into flames?”

“Ah… well, vampires…”

“I haven’t felt the sun on my skin in decades. This is so refreshing.” Chan took a breath. “Vampires don’t really fear the sun, it’s just an annoyance, really.”

You suddenly heard yelling and screeching looking down at the courtyard, your eyes going wide. The test subjects were all running around in the courtyard, out in the open like animals. You didn’t really understand until one of the was up against the fence, and you could see their fangs. More and more began to pile up, making Chan laugh.

“Don’t worry, the kids are just hungry.”

“You… you turned them?”

“Of course.” Chan let you go and got close to the fence, seeming playful with those on the other side. “Mindless little creatures had no other purpose in life, so I gave them a new one. Besides, I can’t just attack the mainland myself, now could I? An army of fledglings would serve me well. Newborn strength and bloodlust is something else.”

The test subjects were always unnerving. You never personally interacted with them but you saw how they moved like zombies. They didn’t talk, but would scream on occasion, and were treated like livestock. You couldn’t imagine what had been done to them to turn them into corpses. Now they were alive in a new way, but it wasn’t any better.

“Are you… going to turn me into one of them…?”

“Hm, I haven’t decided yet. You must be hungry though, let’s get you fed.”

Chan took you back inside to the cafeteria, going into the kitchen and sitting you down on a countertop. He began browsing around, wondering what to give you. He grabbed a bunch of random things, presenting them to you with a sense of pride.

“There you are, that should be enough, right?”

“I… I can work with this…”

“Apologies, I don’t usually care for humans.”

“It’s fine.”

You ate what was given to you, not wanting to make a big deal out of anything. You also didn’t have much of an appetite yet. In any other situation you’d probably think of ways to escape but you had long ago accepted your fate. The vampire taking over doesn’t change anything. You couldn’t get off this island yourself, and the only other option was what Chan was waiting for. Not to mention he had a small army of rabid fledglings at his command he could easily use on you if you tried anything. So you were in the exact same situation as before except you weren’t exactly sure behaving would keep you alive. Chan was unpredictable, and you were completely at his mercy.

After eating Chan took you back to his cell. You weren’t sure what he wanted with you. He was still going over the research data, but eventually there would be an end to what he could read. You knew to a degree he had also been an unwilling participant, but now you were wondering if he had something to gain from this project too. Still, you kept your distance, sticking to a corner and quietly sitting with your legs close to your chest. He didn’t pay you much attention, not like you could do anything without him noticing. Although after a day his eyes would be on you. Once you’ve recovered enough for him to sink his fangs into you again.

“Tell me, what did you learn from all those samples?”

“Huh?”

“You’re a geneticist, right? Or at least that’s what you have a degree in. You read samples all day, reported on your findings, what did you learn?”

“I… I didn’t have all the data… I never really knew what I was looking at…”

“You could still see patterns and make assumptions, no?”

“Well… the samples were human… always with a foreign element, but… the foreign material itself was always incomplete, and the results were… the samples I examined were just blood work but the sequences I saw were always deteriorating… if this was ever applied onto a living specimen… they would not live long…”

“I’m sure you now know what the foreign element was.”

“Yes… vampire blood… but broken down… and in pieces… we know what happens when vampire blood and human blood mixes…”

“That’s the funny thing, it’s not that simple.”

“It… isn’t?”

“Of course. Perhaps if you knew the truth your hypothesis would change.”

“How so?”

“Vampire blood and human blood can have interesting effects, depending on the combination. My blood can heal human injuries, although if the injury is too far gone I’m afraid the human will die, and then be reborn.”

“That’s how you make a vampire?”

“Oh no, there’s one more step there. The first day a newborn yearns with thirst, not just for any blood, but the blood of their master. If it’s not given within those 24 hours a proper bond isn’t formed and those creatures remain slaves to the thirst, no matter what blood is given to them afterwards.”

“That’s… that’s what you did to those outside…”

“Smart girl, see, I knew you’d understand.”

“Is that why I’m alive…? Cause I… understand…?”

“Is that what you think?”

“… I… I don’t know…”

“A little mercy doesn’t hurt.”

“Right…”

“Since all your cognitive functions seem to be in order, how about you be a good girl and come here.”

The wasn’t a request. You shakily got up, taking slow steps towards Chan. He watched you with a predatory smile. He reveled in your fear, even if you tried to hide it. He knew it was only natural for you to be fearful. He lived by ingesting the life force that ran through your veins. In a mock form of chivalry he held his hand out to you, and you took it, letting those claws envelop your wrist like a chain around your throat. Once he had you in his grasp he pulled you close, burying his nose in the crook of your neck and breathing in deeply.

“The first time I awoke and caught your scent I was fascinated. In all my years, I finally had a new presence in my life. I was very curious about you, and I’ve yet to be satisfied.”

“Ah…”

You felt the cold brush of his fangs against your neck, sending a shiver down your spine. Your body unwillingly reacted to his touch, knowing very well what was in store for you, and wanting it. Chan’s hot breath against your ear, his low chuckle, it excited your body and betrayed your identity. Self preservation thrown out the window. All it really took was a handful of bites to turn you into his puppet. You tilted your head back, exposing your neck for him, and then you were rewarded. The initial sting was followed by a beauty of pleasure flowing into you. A soft moan escaped your lips as Chan wrapped his arms around you, holding you in his arms as he drained your strength. He was usually on your neck for longer, but this time he stopped, making you whimper.

“I haven’t been with a human in so long. Why don’t you indulge me in some carnal pleasures.”

Chan set you down on that cold table, his claws ripping at your clothes. You shook from the cold, but he just kept going, leaving you in your panties and bra. His hands ghosted over your body, then he took off his gloves. You had never really seen him without them. This time his claws glided over your chest, trailing down to your core. You flinched from the small knicks he’d make along the way, but the pain didn’t hurt as pleasure still coursed through your veins. You didn’t know what to expect from a vampire, but being gentle was not gonna be it. He pushed your legs apart, claws easily cutting away your panties and exposing you. For a moment you felt something cold rubbing against your center, then you inhaled desperately as you felt yourself being ripped open.

Your hands grabbed the edges of the table as you arched your back, Chan wrapping an arm around you and pulling you closer to him. He was all the way inside you in one swift motion, giving you only a moment to feel him before he started moving. He was fast and brutal, inhuman, but you didn’t really have any other experience to compare to. In a matter of moments he turned you into a moaning mess, rubbing against your sweet spot with every thrust, abusing it and bruising you from the inside out. His free hand went up your chest, cutting your bra with his claws and then gropping your breast. The little stings from his claw tips would certainly leave marks. Eventually your hands moved to wrap around Chan, wanting more even if you were already so out of.

Your mind was overwhelmed, your body at its limits, and your strength was halved to begin with. The edge of your vision was black, and yet in a second everything went white as Chan dug his fangs into the other side of your neck. The new rush of endorphins turned you into putty and your mind couldn’t withstand the high. You blacked out, slipping in and out of consciousness but Chan was nowhere near done with you. There were flashes of pleasure and inklings of pain here and there. You had no idea how many orgasms he wringed out of you and it didn’t matter, it was all so wonderful. You weren’t really sure when it all ended but at some point you were back in your own room, wrapped up in multiple bedsheets, sleeping on cloud nine.

When you finally got some sense back you sat quietly on your bed, processing in a foggy state of mind. There were no bite marks or little cuts, just fading bruises. A strange iron taste lingered on your tongue and you remembered what Chan said about vampire blood. You felt a bit sick, but then your stomach growled. You had no idea when the last time you ate was. So you got out of bed, stumbling to your hands and knees before you managed to stand again. Although when you got to the door you found it locked. You thought maybe you just lacked strength but you kept trying the door, and it wouldn’t budge.

“Finally awake, welcome back to the world of the living.” Chan giggled. “How did you sleep?”

“I… I… what…”

“You’re quite… exquisite… certainly worthy of my attention. Tell me, do you want another bite?”

Chan flashed his fangs at you, and a shiver ran down your spine. He very well heard your heart skip and broke out laughing. You averted your gaze, feeling embarrassed. After a moment he opened the door, holding out his hand to you. There was no reason not to take it. He didn’t wear gloves, so you took his cold hand, letting him pull you close and hold you up as you went to the cafeteria to get some food. This time he let you pick what you wanted and watched you have your fill. By now he knew you weren’t gonna run off and defy him, so he let you wander around as you pleased. Although at night he’d always lock you back in your room. For safe keeping as he’d say.

You didn’t really understand it at first until you heard the screaming and trampling steps. He let his little army run around the facility at night, going wild as was their nature. Then you heard it, the cries of a human being. Chan turned the test subjects, but every staff member that wasn’t you he kept around. Alive somewhere in the facility to feed on and then let loose for his army to hunt and play with. You glanced out of your cell one night and you saw someone running on the other side. Seconds later the fledglings ran past, and when you heard the screams you fell back. You definitely didn’t want to be out of your cell at night. During the day though, if Chan didn’t have you at his side he’d be out in the courtyard basking in the sun and playing with his unbreakable toys.

You weren’t entirely sure how much time had passed, but you knew that boat was bound to come any day now. It made you worry. From the beginning you had been nothing but a pawn for the vampire, using you as a means to escape, to take over the facility, and now merely for food and pleasure. He had bigger plans that went beyond you, plans that you had no idea about. Meaning you didn’t know if you were ever meant to leave this island alive. You didn’t even have the guts to ask, fearing it would be your end. Then again, it seemed you were already there. Any day now would be your last. Then one evening you heard the sound of a horn blasting through the speakers.

“Ah, I see I did set that up properly.” Chan smiled. “A bit early, but wonderful nonetheless.”

Chan threw you over his shoulder and carried you up to your cell, tossing you on the bed. You immediately moved to hide, thinking this was it. Chan laughed as he grabbed your ankles and dragged you back towards him. He flipped you over and crawled onto the bed, pinning you beneath him.

“Why are you running, my pretty little puppet? Scared?”

“Don’t kill me… please… please…”

“Who said anything about that? No, no, I have other plans for you, but I need you to stay put for now. So listen closely.” Chan grabbed your chin, forcing you to meet his gaze. “You are going to stay here and you are going to be quiet, understand?”

“I… I understand…”

Chan had no need to compel you once he had taken over the facility, but the fact he was doing it now raised questions. Not that you would get answers.

“Good, now some extra precautions.”

The grin that appeared on Chan’s face made you squirm, but he only kept you still, forcing your mouth open as he bit into his wrist, letting globs of blood spill down your throat. You gagged and coughed some of it out, but wound up swallowing a good amount. You thought that was it, but when he released you and got off the bed he grabbed your ankle once more, then he began to squeeze. You screamed in agony, trying to get him to let go, but he didn’t, not until he was done. He chuckled and grabbed your chin again, wiping your tears.

“Just a sprain, it’ll heal of course, but I don’t want you running off anyway. One can’t be too safe.”

Chan pressed a bloody kiss to your head before walking away. The metal door slammed shut and you heard it lock. A part of you wanted to go to the door and yell at Chan, scream for answers, but the slightest movement made you whimper. You were trapped here, as you always were. Perhaps it was for the best to be somewhere safe where no one could get to you, but it only made you wonder what would happen out there. You bit your lip and did your best to get in a comfortable position. You had no idea how long you’d be here.

✷

The horn of the ship was a welcomed disturbance to the peace he had cultivated. As he stepped outside he saw the giant vessel in all its glory, his mind filling with possibilities of the future to come. He stepped down into the courtyard, gathering up his army and heading to the dock. As he approached he saw someone tying down the ship, but when they notice him, they ran back aboard. Chan couldn’t help but laugh.

“No killing, just some maiming, my lovelies.”

Despite their rather animalistic state his children still knew who their master was, and were capable of taking orders. All he had to do was whistle and then they were off. He gave them a head start before going in himself, searching for the captain. As far as he knew that was the only person he needed alive, but he had to be sure first before he let the kids really have fun. With those preparations done he stepped off the ship to bask in the night sky. There was no rush to head out to sea just yet, so he could tie up a few loose ends. He made his way back to his cell, startled by what he found.

“You…”

“How… how are you here…?”

“Who do you think the distress signal called?”

“That’s impossible! You working with-”

“The only reason I’m here, is to take care of you.” The gentleman in white stood up. “You should have stayed in your cage.”

On the island, Chan reigned as a king, but to his own face, his own reflection staring back at him. It was the only thing that made him feel fear. The only instinct he had now was to run. He knew he was no match for the hunter. That would remain true as he was dealt with.

“Now to clean up your mess.”

Chris returned to the ship, dealing with all those abominations and finally putting them out of their misery. The only remaining crew members he compelled to treat each other’s wounds and wait for further orders in the helm. He dragged all the dead creatures off the ship, getting them in a pile and setting it ablaze. As he watched the fire burn his gaze shifted to the facility. He’d need to destroy everything now. Once he was sure the bodies would all burn up he went into the facility. Then he heard it. At this point he had silenced all other heartbeats, except for those on the ship, and what remained of Chan’s life, but this one, this one was new, and different. He followed the sound, coming to a locked cell.

Chris ripped the door off its hinges with ease, stepping into the room. He could immediately tell someone was living here, and then he noticed the body lying on the bed. The scent was human to his surprise. He didn’t expect any humans to be alive on the island. Once he got close enough he pulled back the covers, startling the girl. She moved in a panic but quickly stopped, alerting him to the sprained ankle she had. Still, she kept her distance, frightened and refusing to meet his gaze. He was still assessing the situation, and didn’t think twice about grabbing the girl’s face and forcing her to meet his gaze.

“Look at me.”

“Please! Please, don’t kill me!”

“I said look.”

You didn’t know what to expect now that Chan had returned, but you certainly felt something was different. Then you saw it. As you gazed at the face before you the eyes caught your attention. Chan’s left eye was white, but the boy before you, his right eye was white.

“… what…?”

“How come you’re alive?”

“I… I…” You could feel the pull of compulsion, but the question was complicated. “I don’t know… to feed on me? Or the research? He never… who… who-”

“My name is Christopher, but you can just call me Chris. Let’s get you out of here.”

Chris bit into his wrist, offering you his blood. That answered your other question, he was a vampire too. You didn’t think you had much choice here either, so you drank his blood. Afterwards he helped you to your feet, walking with you as you exited the facility. You wanted to keep your mouth shut for the sake of survival, but a question was burning your tongue.

“What… where…”

“He’ll waste away in the fire.”

Just as Chris answered you a groan caught your attention. You noticed a familiar body on the ground, speared in the chest which what you assumed was a piece of metal fence. For a moment your steps slowed, and Chris quickly noticed. He stopped in his tracks and pulled you in front of him, getting you to meet his gaze.

“I want you to forget about everything, and everyone, on this island, do you understand?”

“… forget…”

“Good girl. Come on, I-”

“Are you gonna kill me…?”

Before the last bit of your memory completely faded away you managed to ask one last question. Even if you wouldn’t understand what came next.

“I don’t think so.”

“Then… what…”

“Hm.” Chris brushed some hair behind your ear, taking you in for a moment. “I haven’t quite decided yet.”