#and almost always heartbreaking
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I have such big feelings about Marie Antoinette
#marie antoinette#everyone always shits on her when in reality she didnt have much power or say#i dont hear ppl talk big shit on the king whats his face or his grandfather#also like her “punishment” compared to her husband was just fucking unfair#look History is never kind to women they're always played as the true villain especially women of status#im so tired rn#i keep getting the marie Antoinette Olympics thing on my tiktok fyp#and like i can appreciate the art but God do i have feelings about her and how insane it is that shit is always blamed on the women in histo#i have a unhealthy obsession with historical women from Europe#THEYRE ALWAYS SO FASCINATING#and almost always heartbreaking#alot of women then were nothing more but breeding mares
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Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?
#fucking warrior#rebel with no cause#you made me a writer#trauma#personal#romanticism#not a shitpost#oct 2023#always a lover#tumblr milestone#desiblr#desi teen#desi tumblr#tumblr#writer#writings#writerscommunity#writers and poets#female writers#writing#writeblr#love#relationship#lovers#heartbreak#heartbroken#spilled ink#spilled thoughts#almost one year#moved on
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If you were to rob my sword from me, my position, my respect, then there is a price to pay. If you take my honour...
"I think my favorite scene was with Jeremy [Irons] and the dagger. It's really big performances, all very different because it was all the drugs, all opium. It’s the best bit of directing, I think I experienced on the job. It’s a great cross section between myself and my performance being focused, and you’ve got Jeremy feeding all the lines and giving a great performance behind the camera. I think from that moment on, if you don’t have any sympathy for Juan, your heart is dead, and you’re holding too strongly on to his past mistakes and not letting him be forgiven because he’s very vulnerable in that scene." — DAVID OAKES
#scene of all time + actor of all time !!! david oakes really Did That. juan alive girl forever (to me) we love you#also thinking of when david said juan was really going to kill himself >> i love watching him getting worse even though it's heartbreaking#the way it made him extra insane was that rodrigo believed cesare's manipulation as he always trusts and confides in him regardless#not only did he wanted rip off juan's position aka his entire sense of being and give it to cesare#but he also Almost gave cesare the satisfaction after his evil gloating...i'd kms too wtf#juan borgia#the borgias#david oakes#perioddramasource#perioddramaedit#cinemapix#tvarchive#onlyperioddramas#weloveperioddrama#tvedit#theborgiasedit#dailyflicks#tvfilmcentral#tvgifs#by jen
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ever think about how when louis was asking armand to witness madeleine's turning, he was basically inviting him into the family by asking him to attend his daughter's wedding/hold his hand in the delivery room. and when armand essentially replies "i will not go unless you force me to" he tells him he doesn't have to and reassures him. and then what goes on in their respective heads in that exact moment are:
louis: oh damn the maitre stuff is not just a sex thing he actually like can't hold a conversation like a human being. oh but he's so sad... there there loser boyfriend... why does nobody ever want to have babies with me :/
armand: *has just sentenced louis to death*
#when i first watched this moment it was with 'armand orchestrated the trial to get rid of claudia' goggles on#so i took this moment to be like “oh even if he's not going to order me to watch he'll still go through with it and that's almost as bad”#“he's doing it bc he'll always choose claudia over me claudia has to go”#but looking back on it with the s2 finale canon#i wonder whether armand would have actually preferred if louis HAD tried to press the issue#using the arun/maitre dynamic?#bc in retrospect it seems like louis in that moment feels so remote to him because louis is responding like a partner#like a person with his own life who wants armand to share that life with him#and it licherally doesn't compute to him#whereas if louis had responded by playing into the d/s dynamic they would have been on armands playing field#and so no matter how terrifying the 'order' or how much armand psychologically seems to need to believe that his submission is genuine#if louis had chosen to be maitre armand would have stayed secure in his control over him#also okay jacob anderson's performance here is crazyy#the touch of exasperation when he's like okay. alright.#like both comforting and sooo tired of not being able to talk to this dude like a person#and the heartbreak in assad's eyes... performances of all time#interview with the vampire#iwtv#loumand
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Geraskier makes me a little bit crazy because over the three seasons, it changes so much, but it's not very noticeable from an outsider's view.
Season 1, Jaskier is in love with Geralt, but Geralt is not in love with Jaskier, but Jaskier is trying to change Geralt's mind. He's optimistic. He keeps giving little lead-ins: "and yet here we are," "we could go to the coast," etc. Geralt never even looks that direction and in the end sends him away.
Season 2, Geralt is not in love with Jaskier, and Jaskier has decided not to be in love with Geralt. He's still his friend, that's inarguable, but he holds him at arm's length. He doesn't push in to be closer. They are friends and that's all.
Season 3 ends with Jaskier in love with Geralt and Geralt not in love with Jaskier. But this time, Jaskier seems to have accepted it. He's not trying to win Geralt's affections, he only wants to be with him, to help him however he can.
Their relationship has changed so much and the thing that gets me is that Geralt never seems to acknowledge it. Jaskier does, even Yennefer does, but Geralt doesn't. I'm so curious how they are going to move forward from here in season 4 and if it ever gets properly addressed.
#the witcher netflix#geraskier#joey batey really brings so much depth to jaskier its unreal#the yearning and pining in season one#the walls going up in season two#and the almost resigned acceptance in season three#yes he loves geralt and always will#no geralt will never love him back#yes its still worth it to follow him to the ends of the earth. even though it leaves him in a constant state of heartbreak#jaskier#geralt of rivia#witcher meta#the witcher#twn
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🍂 Trans Books To Read If You Love "Heartstopper" 🍂
Here are some trans books you should read if you love "Heartstopper":
Book titles:
Cheer Up: Love and Pompoms by Crystal Frasier
Always the Almost by Edward Underhill
The Passing Playbook by Isaac Fitzsimons
The Heartbreak Bakery by A.R. Capetta
Out of the Blue by Jason June
Meet Cute Diary by Emery Lee
Beating Heart Baby by Lio Min
The Borrow a Boyfriend Club by Page Powars (comes out September 14, 2023)
#cheer up#cheer up: love and pompoms#crystal frasier#always the almost#edward underhill#the passing playbook#isaac fitzsimons#the heartbreak bakery#a.r. capetta#out of the blue#jason june#meet cute diary#emery lee#beating heart baby#lio min#the borrow a boyfriend club#page powars#transfem#transmasc#nonbinary#agender#trans book of the day#trans books#queer books#bookblr#booklr#heartstopper
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thing about sunny is when you take the stuff they do for each other seriously you start seeing how much they truly care about eachother, they would die and kill for one another, they all have some appalling codependency problems but at the core of it it's all love and care, and i'm enamoured by it bc it shows that you don't have to be perfect or beautiful or have your life all sorted out for someone to care about you, or to take care of someone.
it's like. you see this gang of assholes shunned by society who barely know how to stay afloat and who seemingly hate each other but when you look through the façade you realize there's some deeply fanfic trope level love behaviours in there and you go oh so it doesn't have to be perfect, I don't need to make my life the perfect scenario, to construct beautiful aesthetics or thought out meet-cutes, it's all in the grit of real life. sometimes you spend your days fighting with your best friend but he still peels apples for you and makes you tea, sometimes he offhandedly encourages you to keep trying to read and you don't even have to acknowledge it, but it's there! it's not always the focus point, almost never is, actually, but at the core of it all, it's always present.
#you know? i keep thinking of tht scene from the charmac post just rbd where charlie gets drunk bc he doesn't think mac's his friend anymore#and how on paper it sounds so heartbreaking and sweet like you love your best friend so much the thought of him not reciprocating makes-#you want to get so drunk u don't have to think about it. it's almost romantic right? but the reality of it is that you drank 24 beers and#a pizza on your own and then you fell asleep and pissed in your friends bed. and it's laughable and pathetic but baby that's love!!!!!!!#it just makes me so happy every time i think about it I can't explain it so good but you get it right? right?#iasip#it's always sunny in philadelphia#charmac#macdennis#i guess chardee too#chardee
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Preston x Danse is the only companion ship I think would actually work because Preston’s inner turmoil is sort of a loss of faith in himself due to the traumatic experiences he’s faced while Danse is looking for something to have faith in and would find the fact that despite the desire to give up Preston held out so long not just for the honor of the Minutemen but because he had some hope.
It would 100% start off as a lotta unhealthy on Danse’s side as I believe he completely lacks the emotional intelligence (due to a combination of factors) to recognize the he’s feelings as anything but a sort of respect for a superior along with leaning too much into Preston as a substitute for the BoS. Preston may not really have a title but he’s like THE Lieutenant of the Minutemen. Realistically he’s the only companion Danse would probably be comfortable taking instructions from especially for how trusted Preston is by the Sole Survivor and his adherence to military standards despite how unstructured the Minutemen are. It would be him waiting for orders, approval, anything from Preston and he thinks it’s just the desire to have the regiment of the BoS again but he also like when Preston compliments him on being useful or resourceful. He likes the stories of Minuteman glory days and he trades the stories of the BoS that don’t hurt to talk about. He likes the familiarity Preston would provide and he’d be oblivious that it’s not just new found loyalty to the Minutemen.
Yet Preston explains it himself that he’s not a natural leader. He’s not an instructor. He helps manage what the General has put in place and he content on doing that. He relays what needs to be done and does major upkeep but I don’t think he’d know what to do with this guy this literally marches up to him and practically begs for a mission that doesn’t exist. Like the formality and respect is nice but he can tell it’s covering something even if Danse doesn’t.
Danse could go to Sturges for the many repair and upkeep assignments he gives him and has the freedom to go straight to the Castle if he really wants a big mission, but he chooses to come to him everytime. He’s aware enough that Danse only trusts him out of all of the Generals confidantes but it would take a bit for him to understand why. If anything Danse should be strategizing with him as equals seeing as he almost got the Minuteme wiped out and Danse was a Paladin for the Brotherhood with many successes under his belt before Preston even led his first scouting mission. It’s like he sees him as some figure of hope, some one who can come in and add stability. Someone with a fresh outlook who can provide a new perspective for him.
It’s like he sees him like he saw/sees the Sole Survivor but that would be crazy because that would also mean… and then oh, it clicks.
The revelation is both flattering and he doesn’t know what to do with it cause how do you address “I know you respect me but is that the only feeling you have for me?” To the guy who like refuses to rest unless you tell him at ease? He has to reevaluate his whole manner of interaction with Danse cause this is a very slippery slope that he’s sliding down and it’s even more perilous due to Danse’s repressed emotions regarding… everything. There’s an equal chance Danse will try to open up as completely shut down and he’s not just concerned about it cause Sole Survivor cares for him but because he has grown to care for the guy too. It’s not like he doesn’t also enjoy Danse’s company and value as a Minuteman member. He’s not a love at first sight guy but he’s played with the idea, anyone would when you’ve spent nights trading stories, historical facts and beers by the fire in a little home you’ve carved for yourself through literal blood, sweat and tears.
I think it’s one of those cases where it’s agonizingly slow to the actual relationship but neither part are anguished about that. If anything happened to soon Danse would be too dependent and Preston not equipped to handle it. It’s a case where I genuinely think they’d bring out the best in each other cause theyd want to figure out what is best for the other and not just apply what they think is the best. It’s the care that Preston would ask Danse what he wants to do and encourage it and at the same time Danse would be incredulous everytime Preston second guesses himself.
Long story short it’s a good ship to me because it’s just two guys with broken confidences and faith in their roles being each other’s hype man and kissin a little about it.
#my thing with the other ships is less that the compatibility is bad but a lot of these characters would not enable the best behavior in eac#other or they want drasticlu different things in life or partners and while flings or non serious things would work long term I imagine#problems would arise that a lot of them would not know how to address with each other like Preston is the most well adjusted besides like#Piper. I’d say Nick but he has the whole I’m technically another guy thing going on and DiMA and he’s a workaholic and throws himself into#danger a lot if Ellie is to be believed so like Piper is the closest next to Preston#a lot of these people should not be in relationships rn honestly because they have barely worked through their issues and should learn to b#health mentally and physically and emotionally alone first as they cling to hard to SoSu#like it’s almost all of them but like Piper Preston and MacCready but RJ is also just kinda a dick but we knows he’s always been like that#Preston x Danse is till more so a like this develops slowly and Danse doesn’t know why his stomach hurts when Preston doesn’t include him i#his patrol squad for the day and blames it on feeling like he’s being excluded for not being good at it and Preston excluding him cause he’#like I need you to do something for yourself of of your own volition but also his buddy deserves a break and does not get that Danse is lik#a work dog that constantly needs a task or he becomes neurotic#I have so many thoughts on the compatibility of the companions cause some of them are like fun partners and fwbs and others would have the#most heartbreaking toxic romances known to man but still get over it the next day and be fwbs like none of them have healthy feelings#Preston x Danse#dunno if they have a ship name#fo4#preston garvey#fallout#fallout 4#paladin danse#danse#Danse’s active flirting is like ‘you know how to perfectly create a secure perimeter I have trouble believing it wasn’t just bad timing and#luck with the misfortune that followed your group to concord Lieutenant Garvey’ and it’s like the most reassuring thing Preston has heard#but that is like not a flirty thing but Presont is still smitten by it cause what the fuck does this guy see in him or why is he suxking up#to him and his poor planning skills
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saiki is such a fucking loser when it comes to romance (and also in general shh) that no matter who it is hes trying to date, he ALWAYS waits for THEM to confess. he will NEVER be the one to confess first..
i dont think he even CONSIDERS the fact that he could confess first, even though he can read their mind and knows exactly how they feel about him.. he waits and waits for a confession and when he doesnt get it, he gets really frustrated and is like 'i guess they just arent serious about me 😒🙄' BRO YOU HAVENT CONFESSED EITHER ?? YOU HAVE THE CAPABILITIES TO DO IT TOO WHY ARE YOU A HYPOCRITE ??
#my agenda that kusuo is just a bratty girlfriend#kusuo with an UNREQUITED crush is just satousai like i dont even have to say it#he never thought of confessing to satou cuz he knew it wasnt requited so he didnt really think it mattered#which is also funny and related to this because he just never wants to be the one to pursue someone lmfao#'ugh when is he going to notice me' -guy preparing for his first queer heartbreak#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo#meows post#kubosai#<- i think kuboyasu almost always confesses anyway so kusuo doesnt need to worry about this for long#but theyre both pathetic hopeless losers so theres a chance kusuo could get frustrated listening to him pine after him#thats a rare case that could happen with anyone tbh where kusuo MIGHT confess. or avoid them like the passive aggressive tsundere he is.#terusai#<- this one he also gets very very frustrated!! because koko is kinda the same way he is..#she also expects to be confessed to and he hears her think that and is sooo annoyed because absolutely NOT#haisai#<- i think if hairo realized he had a crush he would immediately confess BUT he and kusuo are aroace kings lmfao#so i think that both of them r kinda oblivious and hairo simply wouldnt realize it was a crush#stg one of their friends would have to step in and be like 'u guys r practically dating can u just kiss or something damn..'#merasai#<- ALSO BOTH AROACE AND WOULD BASICALLY BE DATING WAY BEFORE MERA EVEN KNEW SHE LIKED HIM#saikai#<- kusuo is on a MISSION with this one omg. he does everything in his power to make his feelings known without being TOO obvious#so that KAIDO will confess.. but kaido just gets awkward about it for a while.. kusuo does not realize what hes doing is called flirting..#saikechi#<- idk i feel like this would be complicated.. akechi wouldnt want to confess cuz he would b like well i know he knows..#and he would probably mention casually wheile hes talking and not expect kusuo to respond#so like.. he just wouldnt think kusuo likes him because kusuo never acknowledges it but its only cuz akechi hasnt really CONFESSED
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okay hear me out because this is a real thing that happens: I’ve seen a lot of fics where single dad Steve had married Nancy or some random woman and had a kid. But what if it’s Robin?
Robin ended up realizing she was gay way later in life and had tried to make things work because she does love Steve but not…like that. And when she comes out to Steve he’s heartbroken but completely believes her because outside the one time that gave them their twins they’ve never really had sex. She always seemed so uncomfortable about it and Steve didn’t want to push. So here they are, married and had two perfect kids just like they were told they were supposed to, happier now that they know the truth than they had been in their whole five years of being married.
There’s a lot of tears about it on both sides but they end up not divorcing and instead being each others worst possible wingman trying to pick up dates. Usually because they forget to take their rings off.
Enter Eddie in agony over being head over heels for an obviously happily married man and Nancy being befuddled as to why her Highschool ex keeps inviting her places to hang out with his wife.
#platonic stobin#steddie#Steve Harrington#robin buckley#stranger things#this is platonic stobin not romantic even if they probably did spawn the two cutest brown haired weirdos ever#I see people realize they’re gay later in life and it almost always ends in heartbreak and it just kills me
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still thinking about les whisperables
specifically that one line in the first song (does it have a name yet? idk but it’s the one around 20 mins in)
specifically that one line ‘he’s too fast you’re too slow’
BECAUSE (minor spoilers for elsewhere but nothing too bad)
WHY DID HE DIE???? WAS IT NOT (partly) THAT HE WAS TOO SLOW??? THAT HE COULD NOT RUN AWAY FAST ENOUGH?????
idk if that was even deliberate or makes any sense at all but yeah-
#hohr#hell or high rollers#henley whispers#you will always be famous to me#absolutely heartbreaking#10/10#it’s such a barely there tiny minute almost non existent probably unintentional reference#but it’s so special to me
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There's this pull in recovery to feel behind in comparison to your peer group, and that's, of course, a valid feeling. It's understandable, but I think a lot of what we don't remember is that... they often aren't starting out in the same place you are.
I think part of the reason so many feel terrible about "being behind" is that it feels like we have to blame ourselves for being behind. If you just weren't affected by it, you'd be right where your peers are, right? It's a way to blame yourself in severe cases.
Recovery isn't about "catching up," I think. It's about pressing the play button and letting yourself live. You might never "catch up," you might never be at the "same level," but that fundamentally doesn't change that your life is worth living how you want it to.
#mental health#recovery#i always conceptualize it in a metaphor of planets...#...because it feels like my own has stopped completely and everything in it has withered away...#...i don't think people think 'time has stopped but the world is moving on without me' as profound until you experience it...#...because i'll look at other people and what their metaphorical planets look like and i just... find it heartbreaking if i let it...#...and i think the comparison in recovery can easily be a way for you to weaponize your own suffering against yourself...#...because it DOES feel good and it feels productive to be the punished and the punisher...#...and that shields you away from recognizing that it's almost literally the opposite of freeing or productive#to me it's akin to the viewpoint that suffering is divine and is a Test Of Mettle#that if you only suffer until the day you die you will Be Rewarded...#...but i find that there is no glory in a war waged against yourself...#...that the battlefield is coated only in your blood is not a testament to you Deserving a Good Life...#...you already deserve a good life regardless of what war you are fighting. and that's hard to swallow...#...because then it feels like your suffering to prove yourself was POINTLESS...#...and you have to swallow the fact that you suffered and you didn't 'have' to#i just want people to start to internalize these ideas or even just think about it in context of themselves#i don't *want* you to suffer for your recovery (though this is a pretty impossible task regardless ime)
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less a continuation and more of a thought bubble but ghost would hate price in this au
when he pulls him out of the gulag, so many of soap’s new behaviours click into place. things that never made sense to him as a natural progression of who soap was, that aren't just a product of walling himself off and turning his heart to stone
his soap never smoked. always complained when ghost lit up about the damage it did to the lungs, how it would slow him down in the long run
his john, always trying to be the best soldier
that's why seeing him suck on a cigar like it's second nature is so jarring. even more so when he'd only take a few puffs; enough for a taste and to make smoke coil through the air around him. always the same brand, always left to burn down in his fingers
then ghost sees him gift his cigar box to price, something that took pride of place on his desk practically before the man clears medical and seeing the way they both relax as he sets a match to one makes him realise
in an effort to run away from soap, john had tried to mould himself into price
god forbid ghost ever reads soap's journal. he's heard the "what the hell kind of name is soap” story from him, of the first time he'd ever met the captain and if he ever saw his words echoed in john's hand? saw just how far the man had wormed his way, so deep into him that he was speaking with his tongue?
price's monologues, making himself larger than life all in an effort to make this shitstorm feel more grand than just another war they're all trying to live through, acting like he’s being profound when he’s really just dodging anyone that questions him
letting price take roach out from under his wing like soap didn't identify with the kid the second he saw him, all of his self-deprecative habits hitting tenfold as he blames himself for every stray bullet; as if price could've plucked them from the very sky
the way soap steps back without a word of protest to let price command the team he handpicked and price just accepting? like his years of leadership mean nothing, like john means nothing after trying so hard to follow in his footsteps, just to be tossed aside
the rage ghost would feel at his indifference, as if soap’s behaviour is to be expected and not a series of red flags. add the nuke mission and his actions during and after shepherd’s betrayal? ghost would despise him
#this instalment brought to you by mactavishs journal bc holy shit#his obsessive hyper perfectionism is heartbreaking#he sees literally everything as his fault#every failure every mistake every accident he always looks for something he couldve done better#then increases his training to /make/ himsef better#the way he sees himself in roach and wants to help him become a better soldier like price did for him#only to immediately give him to price bc who better to turn him into a better soldier than price#there is so much characterisation in this thing and it blows my mind that it wasnt an ingame easter egg you could find and read#its an actual journal you could buy#it completely changes his dynamic with price from mentor and mentee to this godlike hero worship#and ghost finding out that soaps changed himself so much for this insane guy who almost nuked america?#that he cant see beyond his thirst for vengeance that soap would do literally anything for him#the shepherd betrayal and prices ‘you have to trust someone to be betrayed. i never did’ and you never thought to warn soap??#the rest of the 141 you can understand but hes so callous in that scene#and since ghost and roach live through it i just know ghost would go apeshit for treating soap like hes not worth the dirt under his boots#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#talk to me ghost#09 soapghost#09 soap#09 ghost#captain mactavish#ghoap#soapghost#ghostsoap#cod mw2#ghost cod#soap cod#captain price#we’re a team. ghost team#save post
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listen the idea that any man could be blindsided by Taylor writing a song about him/their relationship at this point is objectively hilarious
you dated the face eating leopard my dude! of course she ate your face!
#not tagging for obvious reasons#disclaimer im on her side here#she doesnt even use real names i dont think this could count as libel if you tried but also theyre almost always super generic heartbreak#situations#if her fans werent nuts (<-loving) (<- mostly) no one would figure it out#anyways its VERY funny
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One better (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Blood#I knew going into this and it was still so distressing :'0#Who needs plot twists when you can create such an intense sense of Dread#Probably doesn't help that I read this At Night In the Dark lol - actual shivers#Gods this was a hard scene to read - there have been several instances of my face hurting from furrowing my brow so hard haha#The way that ''Doctor'' is written is So skillful - I'm so impressed by everyone's prose and quirks and syntax!#Not to mention when he breaks character in a later scene to apologize for taking a bit to move the scene along haha <3 Play!!#It really does speak to just how much skill and effort is put into everything <3 It's so well done all the way around!!#Anyway to the actual scene at hand lol ow :') Drawing blood is always fun but I wish it wasn't his ;u;#Ugh the way he takes the surgeries is so well written - fear of course but a kind of stoic suffering as much as he's able to -#Until it comes to his eye#Ugh the /break/ of it all he goes from so eloquent - almost snarky and silly! Still trying to find an out make peace do /something/#It all goes completely out the window he's so /reduced/ and nothing hurts worse than that ughughugh#For all his intelligence and wit and prior successes and charm and just - everything that makes him /him/ to be dissolved into abject fear#It's so sad ;; And so well done <3#And he still holds enough of himself to know what he'd be losing wegh it's so sad!! He's so defined by his vision as most VUX are it's fjdsl#Zelnick is already gone by this point but I wanted to throw him in for extra sad flavour :')#Plus - I've mentioned his post-Op was one of the ones from the gallery that Actively kills me every time I look at it#Can you imagine my heartbreak to find out that he didn't have his Captain to comfort him after this in actuality? That he was fully alone?#''Are we home? Is it over?'' ''N...not yet'' - The Absolute Devastation of realizing that Never Was not really#Just tear my heart out why don't you ugh I'm fully bleeding out 💔#That last one is actually meant to be Max but it's open to interpretation :)#I think it's such a waste that his eye was just disposed of! Someone else could've used that (lol)#I do think there's something to the idea of seeing what used to be a part of your body elsewhere - like the Leftovers!#Even just keeping as a memento tho - a trophy - insult to injury but literally#Just points to no one being special and nothing being sacred I suppose
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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