#and all the stuff I mentioned above was so fucking unhelpful

[awsydawnarts]

I hate you weight loss ads I hate you packaging that prominently displays calorie content I hate you menus that don’t show how much something costs but instead show the calories I hate you magazines that blast weight loss strategies in your face I hate you influencers promoting detox teas I hate how the world is so unfriendly to people recovering from EDs who are just trying to get through their everyday life without being reminded about it under the guise of a “fitness girlie” lifestyle

[hylianengineer]

Cultural anthropology class is making us read about mental illness again, which is bringing up a lot of 'god, biomedical systems of mental healthcare can really SUCK' for me personally.

But it reminded me of some of the other things I've read about for 'how to survive mental health issues when traditional mental healthcare has failed you / otherwise isn't an option.' So I'm just gonna drop a couple links, in case anybody else can relate. (I know someone will, this is tumblr after all.)

They're also going under a readmore in case anyone missed the content warnings in the tags: here be discussions of severe mental illness, including depression and suicidality.

P.S. if anyone is concerned, no I'm not Majorly Struggling right now, only normal amounts of struggling. I'll be fine, I just need a week off and a really good hug.

This is an article by Honor Eastly about surviving being suicidal, repeatedly, including after having concluded that psych hospitals were pretty unhelpful for her. It also speaks more generally to how it's possible to survive and heal from shit when there aren't resources available to you that are actually useful - I've dealt with this personally on a less-drastic scale; I call it 'when the help is not actually helpful and might be worse-than-useless.'

And this is also Honor, several years later, talking about mental health reform in Victoria, Australia, but also a fascinating and eye-opening read if you're not from there (I'm very much not). What's going on in Victoria is pretty generalizable to the rest of the Western world in terms of 'how existing mental healthcare falls short' and 'things that might help fill that gap.'

I'm also gonna plug the Big Feels Club newsletter/blog thingy, which Honor co-runs and mentions in these articles, because it has made me feel understood and sane in a world that's always tried to tell me I'm broken beyond repair. If you feel too fucked up to heal, or like mental health systems are designed for people who are 'normal levels of fucked up' as opposed to your extra-awful irreversible level of fucked up (hi, I know that feeling), you might feel rather at home there.

And this random article about what I think sounds like one of the coolest alternatives to traditional inpatient mental healthcare: peer respite. The second above article mentions this, but I'm linking this one specifically to point out that it does in fact exist outside of Australia.

Wow, this is weird, I don't normally talk about this stuff, like, at all, and now I'm infodumping about it. That's different.

[variousqueerthings]

some thoughts on queerness in narrative (using cobra kai as a main point)

1. intro

It’s interesting getting to engage with pop culture right now versus even five years ago, where there was something kinda sordid and undercover about queer reads of text and even just talking about being into stuff very passionately while being queer in spaces that included creators was considered somehow icky (supernatural is always a good example, but definitely was just the most visible of these types of interactions between fans and cast/creators). Obviously that’s where a lot of modern definitions about queerbaiting and bury your gays comes from.

A lot of this kind of drama centred on queer ships rather than queer characters in their own right (dean/castiel, merlin/arthur, derek/styles and maaaan just a lot of white brunette/blond pairings, which is another post and I acknowledge that Lawrusso is also literally that... the irony)

But also this isn’t so much about “shipping.”

2.

There’s a danger of flattening out the ways in which we create a dialogue with text when it becomes just about whether or not our ships become canon (in general the way fandom discourse revolves around ships can be incredibly unhelpful for engaging critically with text) – for context I am queer and I’m queer through my transness and aromanticness and asexuality, and I also write a fair bit of shippy fanfiction and analysis, but personally am not (always) thaaat bothered about how the connections with queer-coded people are realised in text, as long as those connections are acknowledged in a queer way. How that works varies from text to text.  There is no one-size fits all proper queer representation.

An example: SE Hinton (because I just read The Outsiders/watched the movie) being really dismissive of people reading her characters as gay on twitter (why do we ever try to do this sort of deep textual analysis on twitter, why do creators – like Hinton – think that they ought to espouse opinions on twitter, why twitter folx?)

I wrote – kinda for the void, because I write a lot and I like posting some of that on tumblr, but I don’t expect people to engage necessarily – about how The Outsiders is absolutely a queer text, whether or not the creator intended for it to be. Long story short, queerness has been – and often still is – illegal and/or frowned upon in canon text, so a semiotics was created to make something queer if you knew how to read it. The fact that cis-straight creators play with and use those semiotics without knowing doesn’t negate the fact that that language is there and was deliberately created for that purpose.

That also doesn’t make it queerbaiting. Maybe cis-straight dumbassery, idk (wouldn’t be if you just went “huh, didn’t think about that, cool read”)

Intentionally playing with and acknowledging those semiotics also isn’t necessarily queerbaiting.

Definitely queercoding though.

3.

Anyway this is all a bit murky territory, so let’s talk about Cobra Kai, my current little obsession, and about Star Trek, my always-obsession. Time-was you could get sued for your Star Trek fanfiction. Nowadays that fanfiction can get turned into a for-fun zoom play and read out loud by the two actors who played the original characters (Alexander Siddig and Andy Robinson). This is very fun, new territory for a lot of us.

Meanwhile Hayden Schlossberg and the other writers of Cobra Kai are openly aware of the fact that lots of people read their lead characters – Daniel LaRusso and Johnny Lawrence - as probably bisexual (and probably as in love) and are on good terms with several active members of fandom and fic-writing. This is… so fucking fun. And it doesn’t have that weird overtone of shit like Teen Wolf (“We’re on a ship” winky-face, followed by that about heel-turn “just think it’s weird and strange” or however tf it was described later on - that shit: definitely queerbaiting).

In Star Trek there’s a slim-to-none chance that these characters will ever become canonically queer in the main text, but the acknowledgement and the light-hearted open engagement with it makes such a massive difference (not that Siddig and Robinson weren’t talking openly about it as far back as the 90s).

In Cobra Kai there is no obligation to make Johnny or Daniel canonically bi because there’s been no promise to do so – there is, in my opinion, an obligation to create a world in which queerness exists and not just on the sidelines. In the same way as there’s an obligation to generally create a world that accurately depicts what LA looks like in multiple other ways (cough, not mainly white, cough). If a part of that were through exploring how 80s era toxic heteronormative masculinity could throw people deep into the closet for most of their lives, hey, that’d be a neat storyline (such a neat fucking storyline), but it’s not the only way to do it.

While I do like canonically queer couples in stories, I also think it’d really limit what queerness can do for a text if that were the only way it was represented - sure I ship Lawrusso, but I find the above-mentioned analysis of toxic masculinity’s effects on the characters-as-queer-coded to go much deeper than whether or not they get together. 

I also would love trans and/or other-gender characters - we all know Johnny needs his “gender-what?” ignorance challenged and the potential for characters like that to fit into a narrative around trauma, loneliness, and misfit-families is kinda perfect (and when I say characters, I mean that plural, we’re not a one-size fits all).

Lastly I think there is also an obligation to do exactly what the showrunners are doing - what didn’t happen with Hinton or SPN or Teen Wolf or Star Trek of yore or so much other popular fiction: say, oh yeah, that language is absolutely there, we recognise it, we can read it and it’s not weird or sordid or something to be judged. So that’s already a massive thumbs up/promising start.

4. some final thoughts:

Idk where all this’ll go. I’m still missing a lot of canonically queer representation - and when I say representation I mean more than just shoving in a queer character into a scene and not thinking about how that affects the world that’s been established. But I’m feeling a lot better about queerness and story than I used to.

I’m hoping that whatever comes moving forwards in culture in general it’ll have some thought put into it. I’m hoping that queerness and queer allegory and coding will be recognised more and more as important reads of text and will go into informing how something is made (Hannibal, Black Sails, Sense8, Pose). I’m just hoping this’ll mean some interesting, intelligent, wildly varied narratives.

Just very excited.

[cialbi]

Boy with Hope: Lavender - Chapter Two

Summary: Severely depressed and addicted to alcohol, you had given up entirely on life. Your passion was gone, your friends had left you and you found yourself completely alone. As you closed your eyes for the last time, the smell of lavender wafted through your nose and a boy with purple wings appeared above you.

Genre: Angst, Romance, Fantasy

Pairings: Angel Hoseok x Reader

Warnings: Language, Depression, Alcoholism, Future Smut

Word Count: 2105

⤎Previous

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You did it. 

You're dead.

You're dead, you're dead, you died, you're dead. 

That was the only explanation, because seriously, gorgeous men with beautiful smiles don't just appear in your room, cook you breakfast and heal you with their magic hands. And they most certainly don't sprout enormous, sparkly purple wings from their backs. That shit only happens in romantic fantasy movies and you're movie genre was most certainly a mix of angst and horror. Magical stuff doesn't happen in those kinds of movies.

Yes, being dead was the only logical explanation.

This is what you wanted right? To be dead. 

Life had been so dark, the pain so unbearable, you could barely walk through it each day. Everything you did was to alleviate some of the anguish: the drinking, the drugs, but it was never enough. You had needed peace. Now, finally, for once in your life you had gotten what you wanted--you should be happy!--so you didn't understand why, instead, you felt so... empty.

"I can't believe it..." You whispered, clutching your arm for some kind of support. "I actually did it, I actually--"

"Wait, no!" Hoseok started, grabbing your arms with his big, warm hands. "That's not what I--"

"And this--" You angled your face to meet his eyes. "This must be my punishment!"

The orange-haired man searched your face frantically for some kind of answer to what you meant. "I'm sorry, what are you talking about?"

Laughing shakily, your expression fell blank. "You know, my punishment. In Hell."

Hoseok's head cocked to the side as he observed you, curiously waiting for you to provide some kind of followup to your statement. When you gave none, he huffed, trying to hide his exasperation. "I don't think I understand Y/N. How is sending an angel to help you a form of punishment from Hell?"

"No you see, that's just it!" You huffed back, prying his hands off of your arms and thrusting them back and away from you. "You say you're here to help me, and maybe, maybe, that's true. But sooner or later, you're gonna realize."

Hoseok sat back, leaning against his elbows. "Realize?"

"That I'm unhelpable." Your voice dropped so low it was barely a whisper as you averted your stare to your hands clasped in your lap. "Just like everyone else did."

A silence fell across the room of your tiny apartment, the air growing thick with a tense energy that dropped low on both your shoulders. Hoseok's sparkly eyes narrowed to slits as he watched you closely. You could hear the soft breathing blow through your noses as you busied your gaze on the silver cross that rose and fell with each movement of the angel's chest.

Slowly, Hoseok broke the silence. "Y/N. I guarantee you're still very much alive." The serious tone mixed with the stern stare he fixed you with had you looking up to meet his face. His expression was soft and smooth, but his eyes twinkled with sincerity. Considering his next words, he continued. "But you should know, it was very difficult to bring you back after all those pills you swallowed. I tried to take away the pains of the aftermath, but it looks like it's going to take much more time for the effects to completely go away." He paused again. "And then there's still the withdrawal period. That, I can't take away."

Oh. 

Withdrawal. 

You were so caught up in the action that you hadn't even stopped to think about that. 

According to Hoseok, you had been asleep for two days, and usually withdrawal can kick in within thirty minutes of sobriety, especially for someone who had become so reliant as you had. Symptoms are usually worse at night--something to do with your brain getting sleepy--but with just the mention of withdrawal you could feel some of them begin to rear their ugly heads. Muscle pains, racing heart beat, the sweats...

You'd become painfully conscious of them now.

As if sensing your awareness, Hoseok sighed. "You're going to have to go through them without my magic, even the hallucinations... I'm sorry. But--" He flashed you a beautiful, reassuring smile as he tucked a piece of hair behind your ear. "--you don't have to go through it alone."

A new realization dawned on you. You hadn't considered that either. That all of this was just a-- "Hallucination..."

Hoseok blinked. "What?"

You laughed a little, suddenly feeling stupid for believing any of this magical nonsense. "This is all just some fucked up hallucination. Those floating lights weren't real, those wings weren't real. You're not real."

"That's not--"

"Man. I really did a number on my brain this time. I mean, I can't believe I fell for it! Angels? Hah! What is my mind going to mess me up with next?" You yammered.

"Y/N, please just---"

"Hahaha, oh my god. I've been talking to a hallucination this entire time!” The speed of your voice was picking up as you went on, the words meshing together in an incoherent babble. “I guess I've had hallucinations before, but they've never talked to me. I must be going crazy.” Your eyelids became extremely wide. “That's it, I'm crazy! I'm totally and completely cray--"

"Ok! Let me just stop you there!" Hoseok interjected strongly, placing a firm hand on your knee and bringing you out of your downward spiral. You immediately snapped your attention to him, the look on his face making you gulp. It was dead serious, lips pursed into a thin line and ivory skin so smooth that not a laugh-line nor dimple was visible. "Let's get something straight.” He held up one finger next to his cheek. “One. You're not dead. Two.” He added a second digit. “You're not crazy... don't ever say you're crazy in front of me again. And three." He held up three fingers, this time in front of your face. "This is not a hallucination. Me... this..." Placing a hand on your shoulder, he looked you square in the eye, the silver chains around his wrists dipping cool against your skin. "Is real."

For a few moments you both just sat there, staring at each other for the thousandth time in one morning. It was like he had you in a trance with those deep chocolate eyes, so it took all you had in you to tear your gaze away and lean back up against the wall to steady yourself. You felt completely thrown off by his sudden change in character and it was making you feel a little woozy.

When you didn't say anything, Hoseok took your chin gently between his fingers and moved you to look at him again. The sunny smile was back on his lips. "Hey. It's going to be ok Y/N. We're going to get you through this together."

The withdrawal symptoms were more present now, and your body had begun to grow hot and cold at the same time. Little beads of sweat began to pool around your forehead and your muscles groaned in dehydration. Maybe it was from all the adrenaline you exhausted while trying to get away earlier, but you were suddenly very burnt out. And still very much in denial.

"You're not real. And I can't get through this. I don't want to get through this." Your head lulled from side to side against the white brick of your wall as you said that. You really didn't. Sobering up took a lot of discipline and work--you just wanted the easy way out and you knew exactly what you needed to get there. So with a voice barely audible, you declared. "I need a drink."

Like, you really, really, needed one.

Hoseok rubbed your shoulder in soothing circles. "Yes. I am. And no. You don't." the angel assured, then snorted softly, running a hand through his sunshine colored locks. "Man, when he said you were stubborn..."

You ignored him, the rapid thumping of your heart distracting you from anything outside of yourself. You needed to quench these symptoms, to dull the noise. You needed to be numb again, and there was only one way to do that. 

“I’m sorry but, I just can’t.” You said weakly. 

“Hm?” Hoseok hummed, lowering his arms to rest on each of his knees. “Can’t what?”

“I can’t do it.” 

‘I can’t stay sober.’

Swallowing thickly, you pushed yourself from off the wall, first into a sitting position, and then, with Hoseok watching curiously, you forced yourself into a standing position, legs spread in the shape of a V atop the bed.

His eyes widened, realizing what you were about to do. "No, Y/N. Please! Don't!"

But it was too late.

With as much energy as you could muster, you lept over him, dodging as he made a dive to stop you, and landing on the floor, just barely keeping your balance. Your bummed knee howled in pain at the impact but you ignored it. Hallucination or not, nothing was going to get in your way. Nothing, no person, no angel, was going to stop you.

Looking over your shoulder, you stuck your tongue out at Hoseok. "Don't touch me, featherbutt! And don't try to stop me either!"

"Y/N, wait! I need to tell you--"

But you didn't waste time for him to finish. You turned on your heel and made a break for the front door, still dressed in your soiled clothes from two days ago and completely barefoot. The adrenaline was beginning to pump through your veins again, giving you that extra boost as you swung the door open and raced down the hall of your apartment complex. Your knee hurt like fucking hell, but you willed yourself to disregard the pain and keep pressing forward.

Glancing triumphantly behind you--haha! Sucker--oh shit!-- you caught a glimpse of an orange head before you collided into something firm and warm, sending you flying back onto your butt.

You winced, clenching your eyes shut at the new pain in your backside. "Goddammit!"

"Woah there. Language." A deep voice bellowed from above.

Cracking an eye open, you made a note to send your steeliest of glares at the person standing over you, but instead, you gasped. There was another good looking man with jet-black hair towering over you, a cigarette clamped between his lips and a long stream of smoke blowing from the dull orange light at the end. His face was young looking, which mixed in a shocking manner to the maturity of his profound, onyx eyes. 

Goodness, he was painfully handsome.

And scary.

He was wearing a black cashmere sweater underneath a black blazer, bottomed off with loose-fit black jeans and a thick silver chain that looped through his belt. But what really caught you off guard was the array of silver jewelry glittering around his body, or, more specifically the detailed silver cross that refracted the light around his neck.

It was identical to Hoseok's.

"Oh great, there are more of you?" You glowered under your breath.

"Yoongi hyung quick! Catch her!" Hoseok called, slowing into a steady jog as he tried to catch up to you.

The man took the cigarette between his lithe, ringed fingers and flicked it off to the side, giving a heavy sigh as he fixed his eyes on you. His expression was suddenly very focused and alert, and you found yourself feeling like prey all over again. "Now where might you be going in such a hurry, princess?"

Scooching away from him, you picked yourself up off the ground and started a slow walk backwards, turning your head every few seconds to see Hoseok inching closer and closer. You didn't have the stamina to take on two of them in this state, hell, you wouldn't have had the stamina regardless, and by now your knee was throbbing in an angry rage. You had to find an opening somewhere between the two of them.

The blacked-haired man made the first move, lunging forward with his arms outstretched, attempting to restrain you but you just barely slid past him. In comparison to Hoseok, he was much shorter, which made it easier to weasel your way around his grasp. He cursed rather colorfully by your evasion and you couldn't help the victorious smirk that pulled on your lips as you continued your stampede down the hall.

And he scolded you about language.

"Fuck Hoseok, she's fast!" You heard him yell from behind you. "She's not even wearing shoes!"

"Quick hyung, after her!" Hoseok's voice replied.

Hearing their words only fueled your speed, racing down the winding staircase that led out into the alleyway and where a few steps ahead laid the mainroad. You could hear the clatter of their footsteps from above as they raced to keep up with you, and by the sound of it they hadn't quite made it to the staircase yet. You paused for a moment to catch your breath, gathering what was left of your bearings as you turned to look down the alleyway. There's a liquor store just around the corner, about three minutes by foot; somewhere you frequented on especially hard days and you most certainly considered this to be one of them.

"Y/N wait! Please!" Hoseok's voice came again, this time from the landing of your apartment complex.

But you didn't wait.

You ran.

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Next⤏

A/N

Again, completely unedited!

I hope you enjoyed this next part, the story's just heating up! I wonder if I should make the chapters longer....

[earthnashes]

Hey ya’ll! For some reason I ended up thinkin’ a lot about past experiences in school and figured I’d write about a couple of ‘em. Since it might get long-ish I’ll put it all down underneath the cut, but in the meantime, unless you don’t mind me sharing my personal thoughts and stories at random here, I might make a separate blog for this stuff. We’ll see! o3o At any rate, those school stories!

I dunno if ya’ll know about this since I rarely ever mention it but I went to SCAD for college (Graduated like a year ago). And as much as I absolutely loved the majority of my time there, there were a couple of instances I don’t look back on fondly. :/

Aight so this first story was my first year in SCAD, and I was in my very first animation class. I fuckin’ loved this class, it was so much fun, we had to learn the old-fashioned way animations were made with flip-techniques and light tables and what have you. It was overall a good time. I met some good people there too, but I usually sat in the back corner and ended up talking with a group of folks the majority of the class. Keep in mind, we were allowed to have conversations while we worked.

I’ll admit I can get pretty loud; my voice just naturally carries and can raise in volume more than what’s normal, I guess. But at some point the professor decided the back corner was being too rowdy and instead of addressing everyone in that corner, she would specifically single me out. The first time or so I understood ‘cuz maybe I was being too loud and forgot to watch my voice, but the next couple days continued like that even when I wasn’t really talking and focusing more on working. It eventually lead to me just not talking all-together or keeping my answers short and low to avoid being singled out, but even then it still happened.

It eventually led to one day, before class starts and I hadn’t even set my stuff down that my teacher pulled me aside and asked if I could move to sit closer to her to “try something out”. She said it was to make sure I wasn’t “getting a rise out of my peers” or some shit like that, but I didn’t understand why she thought I was the source of it, but I complied anyway. Infuriated me and was so embarrassing to basically be made to sit in an isolated corner, so much so I remember calling my mom during class break in my car to avoid anyone seeing me upset.

Well lo-and-behold, a few days go by with me sitting in that little space and speaking to basically no one until class was over, and the corner carries on as loud and as rowdy as it had been without me. Professor can’t single me out this time, I’m not over there, so she addresses the entire corner. Eventually I’m allowed to sit wherever I want when she realizes, ya know, it isn’t me making all the noise or “getting a rise out of people”, but even after that she never singled anyone else out, or pulled anyone else aside. Didn’t even attempt to talk to the other people in the corner, just kinda. Left it at that?

Ever since that specific incident I kept to myself during class for the most part, but she had started calling specifically on me after that to share my thoughts to the class on whatever we were doing. Always said “I wanna hear what you think, Ashante’.” at some point during discussions. I don’t know why though, she hadn’t done anything like that before; maybe her strange way of apologizing or something. She eventually stopped, thank god, but it had bothered me for a while after, even after I passed the class.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another story in college that was sorta-kinda of the same vein happened I think still my first year at SCAD. This time it was in a different class, like a semester after the previous story, and it was a computer graphics class. I wasn’t very fond of this class but the teacher seemed okay, if a little boring. 

Uhhhh but anyway. We had an animation assignment and the first step of it was for everyone to do a storyboard of what we wanted to animate. I loved this project, it was the only real enjoyable one of the class, so of course I finished my storyboard and all that good stuff. The entire class turns the assignment in and we have a critique, like not one person missed this assignment and we all went up and presented what we had and we discussed. Two facts I want ya’ll to keep in mind is 1. the assignment was required to be turned in digitally so we could present it via projector, and 2. the professor participated in the critique, so he saw that literally everyone in the class did the fucking assignment and turned it in ON TIME, I need to stress that.

So, a few days pass, we’re working on our animations, and our grades are up for us to see on the online board thing; can’t remember what it was called but you were able to check whenever you want to keep tabs on your grade. So, I sit down at my computer and check my grade before class starts. I had kept a consistent high-B in this class, so imagine my complete shock when that shit was at a fucking D. My grade dropped from being like a 89 to a 69 in one week, and the only assignment that was turned in that could have affected it at that point was the storyboard one. So I look at that grade. It’s a fucking 0. I got a 0 on it. There’s no explanation, just a blank 0 staring back at me and I’m deeply confused.

That’s when my friend next to me asks “hey uh, what’d you get for your storyboard??” I told her, and she tells me she got the exact same thing. The dude next to us overhead and was like “wait, you too??? My grade dropped so low, what gives?” We end up asking the entire class and EVERYONE. GOT. A. ZERO. On this assignment. Everyone. So, we’re flabbergasted and there’s almost visible question marks above our heads, then the professor waltz in. We’re all kinda clambering for an explanation but he’s like “hold on, I need to say a piece before we start class”. After he sits his shit down he goes on to say “how disappointed he was” at us for not turning in the previous assignment and talks about how he’s never experienced having to fail an entire class like that before over one assignment. And of course everyone’s like ????????? You were there?? We had a critique?? YOU WERE ABLE TO ACCESS THEM ON YOUR COMPUTER????

And then he basically says “well, computer’s are never wrong, and as far as I see no one turned it in, so I’m afraid everyone will have to get a 0. Do better next time.″

So, we’re furious, but there isn’t a lot we can do when he kinda refuses to hear us out and starts the class. So during break, I tell my friend that I’m gonna try and talk to the professor. A few others decide to join me and about 6 of us approach him about it. I distinctly remember my friend hiding behind me when we proposed the possibility that, ohhh I dunno, the drop-box system glitched or some shit. Keep in mind that DropBox, which was a shared stashing system the professors made students use to turn their work in, is notorious for losing files. Every other professor I’ve had up to that point has warned us about it, some even barely trusted it to the point of just recommending us turning our work in via email.

He, again, refuses to hear us out because he claims “the computer doesn’t spontaneously glitch like that” DESPITE EVERYTHING. We’re arguing for a little bit before he doesn’t wanna hear it anymore and we’re told to basically drop it, and the group disperses. I’m the last one to try my luck with it, and he says if you have such a problem with it, we can talk about it sometime this week during my office hours. So I tell him absolutely, i’m not about to take a zero when I know I turned that shit in.

The day comes and I get to his office, and it isn’t just him in the office but also the Dean of that specific department. It catches me off guard a little but still, I’m thinkin’ alright, well maybe if he won’t listen the department head will. But I barely get a chance to talk, because before I really say anything the professor basically goes “so I’ve had a discussion with our dean here, and we’re both in agreement with my decision, but in case it’ll help you feel better he wanted to tell you in person.”

And the dean proceeds to say, and I quote, “Computers are not living entities who decide to delete things or have tiny little evil viruses that magically wipe away data. They do not make mistakes like people do. If the computer says you didn’t turn your assignment in, then you didn’t, and I need you to let go of the idea that something went wrong here because it didn’t. Okay sweetie?”

It’s one of the few instances I distinctly remember being spoken down to like I was a fucking idiot. He had his head tilted down and his eyebrows raised and he was kinda standing over me like he was trying to talk down a child and I hated it. The professor was off to the side just kinda nodding his head and it felt really strange to be in the office at that point. I didn’t wanna be there anymore so, I said thank you for your time, and the head just kinda smirked at me and left. I think it kinda shook me cuz I remember trying not to shake too much. The professor pulled me aside before I could leave and was apologizing for getting his supervisor involved, and said he hoped it answered any issues I may have had about the assignment problem.

I told him it did, then said “If I won’t get help from either of you, I’ll just take it to the president of the school.”

He said something along the lines of “if it makes you feel better, then okay”, and I left feeling some type of way. I hated it.

Soooo I do, I send an email to the president explaining the situation about the whole class being failed on this specific assignment, we trying to reason with the professor, him not trying to do anything about it and how the dean was equally unhelpful, and I can’t remember exactly what I said in the email but it was basically me asking her what steps I should take in order to rectify the issue. She didn’t actually reply to me, but not even two days after I sent the email the professor pulls me aside and basically says that he “gave it more thought” and made a point to say that, while he still stood by what he said about computers not being capable of glitching the way it had, he’d “give the whole class the appropriate grades” we deserved since he finally acknowledges that we did have a critique he was fucking present for.

My overall grade jumped from a 69 to a 90-something after I was given my actual grade. Everyone else’s grades came back up too. I’m almost sure i’m the only one who pursued it since he seemed to be pulling only me aside, but it’s awful convenient he changed his tune right after I emailed the president of the school, so I think she must’ve talked to him and the Dean at the very least.

I really didn’t like that professor after that.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Sooooo yeah. A couple of stories from school that really stuck in my memory despite it being years ago. I have a couple more I might share, most of them silly and fun but a few not so fun, but we’ll see! Maybe after I start a journal blog for the sole purpose of reblogging stuff and talkin’ my thoughts. I dunno, though. o3o

BUT in the meantime, feel free to share your own college/school experiences! I’m always interested to hear about how ya’ll went about school. O:

[florencesmachine]

An update regarding my tumblr account!

So guys, most of you know me in the tsc fandom as cordeliacarstairs or incorrecttdaquotes, as well as incorrecttlhquotes, incorrecttwpquotes, incorrectminacarstairsquotes, and the admin on tscbot, etc. If you don’t know by now, my account was terminated last week on Wednesday. I’ve been contacting @support trying to get them restored ever since, but it’s been very... unhelpful, to say the least. The initial email they sent me stated that they terminated my account for “trading/hoarding” urls, which violates community guidelines. When I send a help request contesting that I did anything warranting termination, I did not receive an automated response back. Turns out, they have the email associated with that account blocked on their system. When I realized this, I started submitting help requests through another email, asking for help in simply reaching them, and I received several responses back telling me to submit the request through my account email, which IS WHAT I COULDN’T DO, WHICH IS WHY I WAS ASKING FOR HELP.

me: I can’t contact you through my account’s email because you have me blocked can you please unblock me?

@support: for security reasons pls send this help request through your accounts email thanks :)

🤦🏽‍♀️

So, finally after several days, I got an email back which simply said:

“We've terminated your Tumblr account for spam or using your blog with the primary purpose of affiliate marketing and deceptive means to generate traffic/revenue. Per the policies you agreed to when creating your account, Tumblr prohibits such activity ... Unfortunately we can't restore accounts that have been terminated for violating several of our Terms of Service or Community Guidelines.”

Which if you notice, is a different reason than the one they originally gave me.

Not to mention a totally false claim.

Those of you that followed me on my active accounts know I didn’t post ads, ask for money, or post content which can be considered “spam”. I never even INTERACT much less post content which is obscene, violent, or even excessively rude. I’ve always believed in using social media responsibly and for enjoyment and connection above all things. I’m a book blogger, I post about books with little deviation- and I’ve certainly never made any money off of it.

I sent yet another help ticket at the beginning of this week requesting that someone please look into this, but I’ve yet to hear back from anyone at all. My inbox is filled with unanswered help tickets and I’m honestly not sure what else there is left to do. I created this account to use temporarily while I got the situation sorted, but it’s looking more and more like I’m going to need to start all over from here.

I’m incredibly sad and incredibly disappointed at this entire situation. I had an incredible community of followers and mutuals on that account, primarily in the tsc fandom, and I was incredibly proud because incorrecttdaquotes was just about to cross 8k in followers. But fandom stuff aside, I had that tumblr account since I was around 14 years old, and the hardest part is having something you built an attachment to over several years taken away from you without warning, even if it’s something as meaningless as a social media account.

That being said, life goes on and I’m definitely not disappearing from this or any fandom I’ve become a part of, and you can always reach me on some of my other social media:

Instagram (@wilhelminacarstairs)

Twitter (@incorrecttlh)

YouTube (Cinthia n books n stuff) (yes I know that’s a stupid channel name, yes I’m working on it,yes I am going to post on it again)

I’m tagging some of the mutuals I had on my original account for Awareness™ (if we were mutuals and I forgot to tag you in this I’m sorry, I’m doing all of this from memory and I obviously can’t log on to my account and check): @lucelias @wilhelminacarstairs @jordelias @mostawesomepineapple @pinkseraphblades @roast-the-shadowhunters @virginiadre @shahana21 @beckygs @marisolgarza @purple-haired-faerie

also everyone that’s followed me on here and been kind enough to reach out to me on either my twitter or Instagram... you guys r fucking real ones so congratulations we’re mutuals now and you’re stuck with me forever:

@blueganseys @lady-digital-vampire-queen @waterlilyvioletfog @lxcieherondale @daisyherxndale @go-bunburying @opaque-grapefruit @tokaywineandcheese @imadumbas @mysterychuu @breckxbooks @ijzermansrobbe @saraahsmiles @chailoveforever @pen-paper-and-ink @ignus-aurum @sparklestheunicorn @itsjustsand @furioustacotyrant @superalteza666 @mindastardust @cocuklar-gibi @nearlyheadlessnickcage @cordelia-carstairs-owns-me @blckthrns @princessbitchysworld @aybiegirl @queenmollixofshadows @bloooop-p @roseonthecrown @shadowfeyartist @vlctorxvale @taco-taco-belle @heloisacosta23 @luke-garroway

[rainandhotchocolate]

About Last Night - P2

A/N So i know I have a million other requests but I’m a sucker for this story sooooo here’s part 2222 lel enjoy!!

Mon 12:00pm

Sirius ~ So before I read the weekend news, should I be worried about seeing any murders I was supposed to be involved in? ~

Y/N ~ Don’t worry I planted your fingertips everywhere so they’ll know you were involved as well ~

Sirius ~ Oh thank god, I needed something to destroy my reputation ~

Y/N ~ And what reputation is that? ~

Sirius ~ Oh you know, cool edgy creative writing major with a soft side ™ ~

Y/N ~ Dear god you’re one of them :O ~

Sirius ~ Ur DiffEReNT thAN OthER giRlS ~

Y/N ~ **Blocked**

Sirius ~ I sincerely hope you know I was joking ~

Y/N ~ I guess I’ll have to find out :P What are you up to today? ~

Sirius ~ Well apart from giving my alibi to police, I have about 3 hours of classes today and an essay due ~

Y/N ~ Wow, that sounds like a super fun day – any good classes? ~

Sirius ~ Yeah I’m enjoying my lit class at the moment, we are doing genre fiction at the moment so looking into how writers create worlds, even within our own world, and why genre fiction is so looked down upon in literature society ~

~ and now that I’ve typed that out I am realising that it probably doesn’t sound wildly interesting ~

Y/N ~ Hahaha nah it does! That would be cool to learn about, I’m a sucker for genre fiction tbh, could never read the classics ~

Sirius ~ That just means you never found a good classic 😉 – What kinda stuff do you read? ~

Y/N ~ look I want no judgement here… I honestly mostly read fantasy/ sci-fi ~

Sirius ~ Have you read Dune?? ~

Y/N ~ Yes !!! Holy shit such a good series !! ~

Sirius ~ I’ve been trying to get my mates to read it for a LIFETIME its so good ~

Y/N ~ I would have thought Remus would have read them? He’s always got a new book with him ~

Sirius ~ I didn’t know you knew Remus as well? But yeah, he in theory would but he also has a long list of to reads and wants to go through them one after another ~

Y/N ~ Yeah, he studies with Lily a lot and I sometimes join them 😊. Also jesus that’s commitment, I’m usually picking up another book whilst I’m halfway through another ~

Sirius ~ I have no idea how he does it, if I’m being honest, if I hate a book I just don’t finish it (please don’t tell my literary friends I told you that, I would be killed in my sleep) ~

Y/N ~ Haha your secret is safe with me – imo I reckon that’s the best way to read, like why force yourself through something just because it’s a classic or whatever, I feel like that’s why so many people don’t read a lot you know? ~

Sirius ~ Completely! I actually just realised I have no idea what you study? ~

Y/N ~ Ahh that’s because I’ve been avoiding the question ~

Sirius ~ It can’t be worse than creative writing – I won’t even get a job after uni ~

Y/N ~ Oh believe me, it is. I study communications ~

Sirius ~ Oh dear lord you are every white girl who ever existed ~

Y/N ~ I know, I’m perpetuating the stereotype its very disappointing tbh ~

Sirius ~ So is that where you work then? ~

Y/N ~ Wow you remember a lot haha yeah, I’m doing an internship in social media management, it’s surprisingly soul-sucking ~

Sirius ~ Is that surprising… 😉 ~

Y/N ~ I mean, that was thinly veiled sarcasm haha but it’s actually not all bad, the strategy behind content etc is actually pretty interesting, and I’m working for an eco-friendly company so at least I get to come up with cool environmental memes ~

Sirius ~ Ahh yes, hit the youth with the memes ~

Y/N ~ See, you’re learning the comms ways already ~

 Thurs 11:28pm

Y/N ~ Whats ya facebook? ~

Sirius ~ Uhhh… Sirius Black? It’s not wildly hard to find, why? ~

Y/N ~ I’m gonna be real, I would like to stalk you ~

Sirius ~ Is this Y/N? ~

Y/N ~ :O ok you’ve known Y/N like 2 days how did you guess that ~

Sirius ~ Cause this message felt like one of those old school msn ‘my friend hacked me !!!’ ~

Y/N ~ You’re a smart boi, Black ~

Sirius ~ thank you kindly stranger ~

 Fri 6:45 am

Y/N ~ I AM SO SORRY ~

~ MARLENE STOLE MY PHONE ~

~ I PROMISE I’M NOT A STALKER ~

Sirius ~ Why on earth are you awake right now ~

Y/N ~ Because my body never allows me to sleep in ~

Sirius ~ how rude, also don’t worry I accepted your Facebook request so you can stalk all you want 😉 ~

Y/N ~ Literally am going to stab Marlene ~

Sirius ~ At least she’s up front ~

Y/N ~ Wait why are you awake rn? ~

Sirius ~ James wants to make the firsts soccer team at uni and has decided I must train with him ~

Y/N ~ Well that’s gross ~

Sirius ~ Couldn’t have said that better myself ~

Y/N ~ so what does this training consist of ~

Sirius ~ Mainly James trying to shoot balls at my head as I attempt to goal keep ~

Y/N ~ Can’t see that ending well ~

Sirius ~ Excuse you, I happen to be VERY athletic. I am a multisided human being thanks ~

Y/N ~ I am so sorry to have placed my predisposed ideas on you ☹ pls forgive ~

Sirius ~ I will have to think about it – right now James wanted me to do suicides and I must go into hiding ~

Y/N ~ Godspeed ~

Sun 2:58pm

Y/N ~ Ok I know I promised not to stalk, but what the fuck is going on in this picture ~

~ file ~

Sirius ~ oh no no no no no no no no ~

Y/N ~ ehheheheheheheheh ~

Sirius ~ I really thought my privacy settings were better than this ~

Y/N ~ Yeah this was very easy to find ~

Sirius ~ I’m going to kill James ~

Y/N ~ You can’t blame james for this beauty ~

Sirius ~ Oh I really can, he decided it would be hilarious for us to have a photoshoot when I was completely trashed one night. And then proceeded to post everything and tag me ~

Y/N ~ James sounds like a fun night out ~

Sirius ~ I wouldn’t say that to lily ~

Y/N ~ What she doesn’t know won’t kill her 😉 ~

Sirius ~ You are slyer than I thought ~

Y/N ~ I think I’m going to frame this photo and place it all over your uni ~

Sirius ~ You wouldn’t ~

Y/N ~ You may need to convince me otherwise ~

Sirius ~ Anything to avoid that embarrassment in my life ~

Y/N ~ Perhaps you’ll just have to owe me for sparing you ~

Sirius ~ I think that’s a fair deal – what about a coffee? ~

Y/N ~ I think a coffee or two would be a fair trade off :P ~

Sirius ~ Well I have the most disgusting week of midterms but perhaps on the weekend? ~

Y/N ~ Sounds LIT ~

Sirius ~ You’ve just made me regret inviting you anywhere ~

Y/N ~ That’s what I’m here for 😉 ~

 Wed 3:07pm

Sirius ~ Bit of a creepy question, but did I see you at uni today? Navy Skirt, Black Jumper, & tights?

Y/N ~ Wow you really observe an outfit don’t you ~

Sirius ~ I mean I noticed the outfit cause I thought it looked good and then I realised it was you and so it stuck in my head ~

~ in a less creepy way ~

~ in fact let me just completely start over – were you at uni today? I think I saw you! ~

Y/N ~ Maybe, what was I wearing? ~

Sirius ~ I hate you ~

Y/N ~ 😉 Well to answer your question, yes I was at uni – it was Lily and I’s weekly cheap lunch date ~

Sirius ~ Classy ladies you two are ~

Y/N ~ Couldn’t describe us better myself ~

Sirius ~ Oh by the way, are you going to Remus’ party this Friday? ~

Y/N ~ Mmmm I was thinking about it, why? ~

Sirius ~ No reason, I just knew Lily was invited and he mentioned inviting some of her friends ~

Y/N ~ Mmmm, yeah he told Lily to bring Marlene and me along, unsure though as Lily is particularly annoyed at James this week and he will of course be there and be annoying ~

Sirius ~ What if I can promise he won’t annoy her? ~

Y/N ~ I really don’t think you should make a promise you can’t keep :P ~

Sirius ~ Ah, you underestimate me! James has to go home this weekend to see his parents so he won’t actually be there ~

Y/N ~ This is a very interesting development – we may reconsider ~

Sirius ~ Well Remus does throw a great party ~

Y/N ~ DO you actually know what James did anyway? She usually likes to rant about it but she’s been shut in her room the past 2 days ~

Sirius ~ Honestly I’m not sure, James has been unprecedently quiet as well ~

Y/N ~ Hmmm how odd ~

Sirius ~ Indeed it is ~

 Friday 4:42pm

Y/N ~ What are you guys wearing tonight? ~

Marlene ~ Not sure, I’m torn between a velour tracksuit or the classic Canadian tuxedo ~

Lily ~ Both very classy options ~

Marlene ~ You know me, go hard or go hard ~

Y/N ~ You’re both incredibly unhelpful ~

Marlene ~ Worried about meeting a certain dark haired texter? ~

Y/N ~ Am I not allowed to want my best friends’ help on my outfits?? ~

Marlene ~ I mean I can’t help you look hot if I don’t know who its for 😉 ~

Lily ~ God forbid she looks hot for herself ~

Marlene ~ Hey, you’ve gotta play to your audience ~

Y/N ~ How would you even know what he likes ~

Lily ~ She stalked him around campus yesterday ~

Y/N ~ um MARLENE ~

Marlene ~ I just wanted to know his style, habits, if he was a psycho killer ~

Lily ~ She has a point, if he’s as annoying as James we have to protect you at all costs ~

Marlene ~ We need to make sure she isn’t sucked in by his serial killer prowess ~

Y/N ~ You’re making me sound like prey ~

Marlene ~ 😉 ~

Y/N ~ How did you even stalk him, Lily has no classes with him ~

Marlene ~ I have my ways ~

Lily ~ She flirted with the office assistant until she gave her Sirius’ schedule ~

Y/N ~ You minx ~

Marlene ~ No one can resist my charms ~

Lily ~ That is yet to be determined actually ~

Y/N ~ very true Lils, we’ve never met anyone you’ve dated yet ~

Marlene ~ Sooooo not the point, and we’ve gone off topic! How are you going to wow Mr Black ~

Y/N ~ That is 100% not what I asked ~

Lily ~ you may as well have ~

Y/N ~ You both suck ~

Lily ~ Wear that flowy black dress you refuse to ever wear!! ~

Marlene ~ YES YOU LOOK BANGING IN THAT ~

Y/N ~ ugh but it’s a casual party ~

Marlene ~ Who gives a shit, stand out ~

Lily ~ He’ll be drooling ~

Y/N ~ I don’t need him to drool I just want to make a good first impression ~

Marlene ~ Aha the truth finally comes out ~

Y/N ~ if you were actually in your dorm I’d be hitting the roof with a broomstick rn ~

Lily ~ Where are you?? ~

Marlene ~ Where do you think 😉 ~

Lily ~ Not the office assistant ~

Marlene ~ 😉 ~

Lily ~ How!? I was with you the whole time, you never exchanged numbers ~

Marlene ~ Exchanging numbers doesn’t have to be an oral task… unlike other things 😉 ~

Y/N ~ We get it, your sexual prowess is above all of us ~

Lily ~ I’m honestly impressed, she was cute ~

Marlene ~ I’m offended you’d be impressed tbh ~

Y/N ~ Ok so you are both coming over to my house in an hour to dress and intoxicate me ~

Lily ~ Deal ~

Marlene ~ Maybe give me an extra 30 mins 😊 ~

Taglist:  @averytruerayofsunshine @siriuslyjanhvi @blushingskywalker @blackpinkdolan @thebabblingbookworm @cherrie511 @imlukesnirvana @avengersassemblee @maraudersandco @sly-vixen-up2nogood @katbernoulli @sirius-lysad @evyiione @minerva26love @aikeia @gollyderek @greatwombatblaze  @songforhema  @your-typical-giggle

[shinelikethunder]

Fandom Userscript Cookbook: Five Projects to Get Your Feet Wet

Target audience: This post is dedicated, with love, to all novice, aspiring, occasional, or thwarted coders in fandom. If you did a code bootcamp once and don’t know where to start applying your new skillz, this is for you. If you're pretty good with HTML and CSS but the W3Schools Javascript tutorials have you feeling out of your depth, this is for you. If you can do neat things in Python but don’t know a good entry point for web programming, this is for you. Seasoned programmers looking for small, fun, low-investment hobby projects with useful end results are also welcome to raid this post for ideas.

You will need:

The Tampermonkey browser extension to run and edit userscripts

A handful of example userscripts from greasyfork.org. Just pick a few that look nifty and install them. AO3 Savior is a solid starting point for fandom tinkering.

Your browser dev tools. Hit F12 or right click > Inspect Element to find the stuff on the page you want to tweak and experiment with it. Move over to the Console tab once you’ve got code to test out and debug.

Javascript references and tutorials. W3Schools has loads of both. Mozilla’s JS documentation is top-notch, and I often just keep their reference lists of built-in String and Array functions open in tabs as I code. StackOverflow is useful for questions, but don’t assume the code snippets you find there are always reliable or copypastable.

That’s it. No development environment. No installing node.js or Ruby or Java or two different versions of Python. No build tools, no dependency management, no fucking Docker containers. No command line, even. Just a browser extension, the browser’s built-in dev tools, and reference material. Let’s go.

You might also want:

jQuery and its documentation. If you’re wrestling with a mess of generic spans and divs and sparse, unhelpful use of classes, jQuery selectors are your best bet for finding the element you want before you snap and go on a murderous rampage. jQuery also happens to be the most ubiquitous JS library out there, the essential Swiss army knife for working with Javascript’s... quirks, so experience with it is useful. It gets a bad rap because trying to build a whole house with a Swiss army knife is a fool’s errand, but it’s excellent for the stuff we're about to do.

Git or other source control, if you’ve already got it set up. By all means share your work on Github. Greasy Fork can publish a userscript from a Github repo. It can also publish a userscript from an uploaded text file or some code you pasted into the upload form, so don’t stress about it if you’re using a more informal process.

A text editor. Yes, seriously, this is optional. It’s a question of whether you’d rather code everything right there in Tampermonkey’s live editor, or keep a separate copy to paste into Tampermonkey’s live editor for testing. Are you feeling lucky, punk?

Project #1: Hack on an existing userscript

Install some nifty-looking scripts for websites you visit regularly. Use them. Ponder small additions that would make them even niftier. Take a look at their code in the Tampermonkey editor. (Dashboard > click on the script name.) Try to figure out what each bit is doing.

Then change something, hit save, and refresh the page.

Break it. Make it select the wrong element on the page to modify. Make it blow up with a huge pile of console errors. Add a console.log("I’m a teapot"); in the middle of a loop so it prints fifty times. Savor your power to make the background wizardry of the internet do incredibly dumb shit.

Then try a small improvement. It will probably break again. That's why you've got the live editor and the console, baby--poke it, prod it, and make it log everything it's doing until you've made it work.

Suggested bells and whistles to make the already-excellent AO3 Savior script even fancier:

Enable wildcards on a field that currently requires an exact match. Surely there’s at least one song lyric or Richard Siken quote you never want to see in any part of a fic title ever again, right?

Add some text to the placeholder message. Give it a pretty background color. Change the amount of space it takes up on the page.

Blacklist any work with more than 10 fandoms listed. Then add a line to the AO3 Savior Config script to make the number customizable.

Add a global blacklist of terms that will get a work hidden no matter what field they're in.

Add a list of blacklisted tag combinations. Like "I'm okay with some coffee shop AUs, but the ones that are also tagged as fluff don't interest me, please hide them." Or "Character A/Character B is cute but I don't want to read PWP about them."

Anything else you think of!

Project #2: Good Artists Borrow, Great Artists Fork (DIY blacklisting)

Looking at existing scripts as a model for the boilerplate you'll need, create a script that runs on a site you use regularly that doesn't already have a blacklisting/filtering feature. If you can't think of one, Dreamwidth comments make a good guinea pig. (There's a blacklist script for them out there, but reinventing wheels for fun is how you learn, right? ...right?) Create a simple blacklisting script of your own for that site.

Start small for the site-specific HTML wrangling. Take an array of blacklisted keywords and log any chunk of post/comment text that contains one of them.

Then try to make the post/comment it belongs to disappear.

Then add a placeholder.

Then get fancy with whitelists and matching metadata like usernames/titles/tags as well.

Crib from existing blacklist scripts like AO3 Savior as shamelessly as you feel the need to. If you publish the resulting userscript for others to install (which you should, if it fills an unmet need!), please comment up any substantial chunks of copypasted or closely-reproduced code with credit/a link to the original. If your script basically is the original with some key changes, like our extra-fancy AO3 Savior above, see if there’s a public Git repo you can fork.

Project #3: Make the dread Tumblr beast do a thing

Create a small script that runs on the Tumblr dashboard. Make it find all the posts on the page and log their IDs. Then log whether they're originals or reblogs. Then add a fancy border to the originals. Then add a different fancy border to your own posts. All of this data should be right there in the post HTML, so no need to derive it by looking for "x reblogged y" or source links or whatever--just make liberal use of Inspect Element and the post's data- attributes.

Extra credit: Explore the wildly variable messes that Tumblr's API spews out, and try to recreate XKit's timestamps feature with jQuery AJAX calls. (Post timestamps are one of the few reliable API data points.) Get a zillion bright ideas about what else you could do with the API data. Go through more actual post data to catalogue all the inconsistencies you’d have to catch. Cry as Tumblr kills the dream you dreamed.

Project #4: Make the dread Tumblr beast FIX a thing

Create a script that runs on individual Tumblr blogs (subdomains of tumblr.com). Browse some blogs with various themes until you've found a post with the upside-down reblog-chain bug and a post with reblogs displaying normally. Note the HTML differences between them. Make the script detect and highlight upside-down stacks of blockquotes. Then see if you can make it extract the blockquotes and reassemble them in the correct order. At this point you may be mobbed by friends and acquaintainces who want a fix for this fucking bug, which you can take as an opportunity to bury any lingering doubts about the usefulness of your scripting adventures.

(Note: Upside-down reblogs are the bug du jour as of September 2019. If you stumble upon this post later, please substitute whatever the latest Tumblr fuckery is that you'd like to fix.)

Project #5: Regular expressions are a hard limit

I mentioned up above that Dreamwidth comments are good guinea pigs for user scripting? You know what that means. Kinkmemes. Anon memes too, but kinkmemes (appropriately enough) offer so many opportunities for coding masochism. So here's a little exercise in sadism on my part, for anyone who wants to have fun (or "fun") with regular expressions:

Write a userscript that highlights all the prompts on any given page of a kinkmeme that have been filled.

Specifically, scan all the comment subject lines on the page for anything that looks like the title of a kinkmeme fill, and if you find one, highlight the prompt at the top of its thread. The nice ones will start with "FILL:" or end with "part 1/?" or "3/3 COMPLETE." The less nice ones will be more like "(former) minifill [37a / 50(?)] still haven't thought of a name for this thing" or "title that's just the subject line of the original prompt, Chapter 3." Your job is to catch as many of the weird ones as you can using regular expressions, while keeping false positives to a minimum.

Test it out on a real live kinkmeme, especially one without strict subject-line-formatting policies. I guarantee you, you will be delighted at some of the arcane shit your script manages to catch. And probably astonished at some of the arcane shit you never thought to look for because who the hell would even format a kinkmeme fill like that? Truly, freeform user input is a wonderful and terrible thing.

If that's not enough masochism for you, you could always try to make the script work on LiveJournal kinkmemes too!

[afanoftheglassscientists]

The Glass Scientists Art-Style Changes

Hey yeah sorry but I saw someone complain about how the webcomic’s art style is jarring in the later chapters and that the noses are bad because they’re big and I’m back in full salt mode WHO WANTS SOME TEA!?

@glass-scientists your art-style has only gotten more beautiful as the webcomic continues and you work extremely hard on the comic by yourself and I am amazed you kept working on this for more than four years now while in a career and I hope you’ll be able to do so for the foreseeable future.  When I comment on how your art changed please know that I’m not doing it to critique you.  Okay you don’t have to read more of this I just wanted to be the 156th person to let you know you’re doing great.

ONE - The noses have always been prominent on the characters’ art design and having a big noses does not automatically make it look ugly.  Admittedly there are artists out there who draw very ugly noses for very ugly reasons, but Sabrina Cotugno is not and never has been one of those types of artists.  Yes, Jekyll’s nose is bigger, but is not the end-all, be-all take from his design changes.

Here’s him from Ch.1 Pg. 15.

And here’s him from Ch.7 Pg. 22

(And no, I do not know why the latter two picture are bigger.)

As you can see, the nose in the earlier chapters looks smaller, but Jekyll’s face is also a lot more...soft?  Like think of ceramic pieces.  You start out with soft clay and you mold it into the shape you want (but don’t forget to wedge don’t want it to explode in the oven) but then after the clay firms up a little you’re ready to carve it and give it a more pronounced form.  That’s what happened in the later chapters: Jekyll’s nose, the shape of his jawline, his sideburns, hair and even his eyebrows has become sharper and more distinct.  His nose isn’t just an attachment like a Mister Potato Head, its a part of him.  To give him a smaller nose would mean changing his whole character profile.

TWO - Like Clay, Art Changes.  Admittedly I was taken aback by the change in the comic’s art-style as well, but that will happen to literally any long-form manga or comic.  Unless you’ve been doing comics for literal decades your art is going to change, because you’re going to change, and what you want from your art and the characters you create are going to change.  Look at Bluechair by Shen on WEBTOON: while his artstyle has solidified these past few years his earlier comics are unrecognizable, because he’s been working on his Bluechairs comic for five years, often updating two or three times a week, and is currently on Episode 536 of Bluechairs, but technically he currently has 706 of them under the Bluechairs page.  His comics are like the Sunday Newspaper kind of comics, so I’m not asking you to read his stuff starting from the beginning (in fact please don’t try to read it all at once: his early stuff is pretty good but let me remind you he has SEVEN HUNDRED AND SIX COMICS OF STUFF) but maybe read a couple of them from the beginning and then read some of his latest ones.

So yeah, its not unexpected from comics to change in style, either slowly due to how the artists gains a more experienced hand or by an intentional shift in art direction.  Sabrina was in the latter camp, due to the fact that she felt the earlier character designs was too much like a Disney Princess Line-Up, which she mentioned in a page description that I cannot find but I know was real.

Honestly I really do like the more recent pages.  I disagree that they’re less vibrant, because I think removing the high glossy sheen made the characters even more distinct from each other.  Before the shift in artstyle I felt like everyone was getting the same brand of hair gel.  Hot take coming, but the character who most benefits from this shift is Rachel, who’s been looking gorgeous these last few chapters.  

THREE - Sabrina Cotugno has been working this story, these characters and the art of this webcomic mainly by herself, while still working a job as a cartoon director for multiple shows and is currently working on a project for Disney.  She does not have a lot of time on her hands to fix mistakes and asking her to change things or give her “Advice” on her art is...I won’t say unwanted because that’s up to her as to whether or not she’d use that language, but I will say she probably doesn’t need your advice on how to draw art when she has already worked in professional spaces as a storyboard artist AND as a director.

Plus I’m going to be upfront here, and this is going to sound harsh: Do not fucking nitpick and tear apart content made independently unless warranted by offensive language or imagery, because not only is it unhelpful it is just plain mean.  Yes, Sabrina has worked on shows before, but The Glass Scientists is not made by a group of people working together, with producers and press and editors to back them up.  This is entirely her work.  She is spending her own free time making this.  This webcomic is hours, days, weeks, years in the making, in the wake of hot days, sickness, travelling, other deadlines and dying plants.

And to turn around and say “Oh the way you do the art now isn’t as good?”  Fuck off with that.  I’m not Sabrina, so I get to be mean here - You are allowed to admit you dislike these changes, but sending the artist messages directly telling them of your dislikes is an absolute garbage thing to do.  Especially when you yourself are not an artist.

Like Sergeant Brokenshire has a beard in one panel but loses it in the next few pages.  Cue the Cinema Sins ding noise I guess.  Okay, that happens sometimes, she doesn’t have an editor to correct.  Am I going to directly send her messages letting her know she did her webcomic wrong?  Fuck no.  She probably has been sent hundreds of “helpful” messages about it already, and guess what?  She doesn’t have the time to correct every mistake because she has a job. 

Of course if Sabrina or any independent artist does something horrifically offensive or even just something that makes you uncomfortable you are absolutely allowed to air your grievances.  But so far Sabrina has been good so I’ve got nothing to complain about, and the asks she gets that do have issues with the webcomic she answers with grace.  

So basically this wandered completely off from the nose discussion and into the ethics of fandoms for independently made webcomics, but anyway long story short.

The Glass Scientists is not yours and its not mine.  It belongs to Sabrina Cotugno, and its hers to change how she sees fit.  Get over that and enjoy the webcomic as it is and you’ll have a much better experience.

Sorry to sound preachy there.  I’m not trying to act like the Fandom Police and I’m not trying to fight Sabrina’s battles for her.  I just see a lot of bad fucking behavior toward other independent artists and I don’t want to see it here.  I have been that anon who “critiques” or gives “helpful” advice to artists who had far more experience than me, so its not like I’m pretending to be above it all here.  I’ve buried many a blogs because of my shameful past.

Most of this Fandom has been wonderful.  Let’s keep it that way while it lasts.

Anyway that espresso really did a number on me.  I’m about to crash and I’m getting the awful sense of deja-vu here.  Sorry for being so salty on Fandom lately, I won’t do it again unless I see some real trouble.  This has accidentally become a Midnight Post, so go to bed!

...Oh wait one more thing: PLEASE DON’T REPOST FULL PAGES OF THE WEBCOMIC!!!  Access to the official page is not hard and despite a few hiccups (which is not Sabrina’s fault but the webpage itself) we have been able to see all of the webcomic.  There is no need to repost the whole page and on Sabrina’s FAQ she specifically asked people not do this.  If you want to read each new page and don’t want to refresh the website twenty time on Monday morning you can always follow her twitter or her blog “arythusa” where she posts a link to each new page after it uploads.  In fact starting tomorrow I’ll be sure to reblog these posts to make sure you have a link available to click.

Okay now good night.

[neverheardnothing]

Winston Programming Headcanons

hi I’m here to dump WAY too many headcanons for how Winston works. please talk to me about them. i beg of u guys,,,,

he's one of those people on stack overflow who marks your question as duplicate, closes it, and links you to another post that doesn't answer your question. and it's instantaneous because he has a Fuckload of points on that hellhole site.

he likes Matlab :/

but he also definitely is in the arrays begin at 0 camp like any sane person is

he's on the spaces side for tabs vs spaces, but he'll use soft tabs (tabs that turn into spaces)

brackets on the same line kinda guy (he’s wrong but that’s who he is)

he uses all the languages he mentioned in the math meetup scene but his favorite language is python because of its hella Dope math library (shoutout to math.py, i never fuckin use it)

second favorite is C. he loves the power of direct memory manipulation for getting into the Nitty Gritty. and he's not afraid to bust out assembly.

but because he switches between those two a lot, semicolons (or the lack thereof) fucks him over frequently

he uses vim. like he really uses vim. he's got one of those colored keyboards with the popular shortcuts and commands on it. his vimrc file is something he custom wrote and he’s Very Proud of it. he’s got the whole custom highlighting thing going on.

this man cannot survive without his Multitude of bash scripts. 

watching him try to work on someone else’s computer is like watching a baby try to walk. his setup is so specific to him and what he needs to work that anything else just Doesn’t Work for him. he’ll try to do one of the shortcuts he’s set up that he’s so used to and nothing happens and he’s just :o

at least one of his six monitors is always just playing random youtube/netflix stuff in the background as he works, but as soon as he really really needs to focus he turns it off so he can figure stuff out. 

frantic whiteboard pseudocoding as he tries to map out what he sees in his head for other people to understand or before he loses it. his handwriting is messy and barely legible. there are 5 expo markers laying around on his desk, all of which are shitty and out of ink, but he forgets to get new ones. he loves those white board desks and he’s shoved everything off a desk before so he can write on it. 

writes down bits of code on whatever he can when he figures out how to do something that he’s been stuck on

if he’s having a particularly hard time on something at the moment, he tries to take a break but it still Consumes his thoughts. he angrily paces around the Quant Dungeon a lot, trying to calm down but Failing.

spends Hours Not Reading The Documentation and then getting angry when he finally resigns looks at it and it solves all his problems

he likes watching those videos on youtube that visualize all the different sorting algos (i really,,,, really,,,,, like doing this) ((idk maybe he does this as a visual stim maybe))

favorite data struct is leftist heaps. he likes the organized balance.

favorite sorting algo is merge sort because he likes seeing all the elements being broken down and then coming back together, in an organized order.

he uses Arch, btw. (im sorry please don’t kill me for this im very sorry)

he judges you based on what Linux distro you prefer, all while knowing people judge him the Most for using Arch.

he goes to meetup.com programming meetups and tries and fails to make friends

he’s in the ACM special interest group for econ and computation

if god forbid he has to pair program, he’s the most MISERABLE motherfucker to work with. if he’s the one driving, he won’t listen to any suggestions and if he’s the one watching, then he’s backseat programming the entire time. 

he's not into hacktivism personally but he likes reading about it and knowing the Lore as well as reading about cybersecurity/penetration testing

he definitely submits memes to r/programmerhumor and then also complains that the subreddit is too general

he likes what he does but he doesn't usually program off the clock. but sometimes he'll get an idea for a personal project!!

his has exactly one personal project at a time. it either gets finished or it doesn’t before he moves onto the next one.

his personal GitHub is silent for months and then suddenly for a week straight it's dark green before fading into silence again

doesn’t like working from home. he really needs the separation between his work space and his living space.

very cryptic and unhelpful commit messages. when trying to roll back he hates himself because he has no IDEA what him in the past meant by “node updated,” because WHAT IN THE NODE WAS UPDATED??? he didn’t write it down and now it’s been two months since he’s looked at this code and he has no fucking clue.

names his variables funky things, also causing trouble for himself down the line. 

sometimes leaves a dangling else statement when he writes an if, as if daring the if statement not to execute

leaves funny comments for himself in his code and other non helpful comments for whoever has to work on his code/maintain it after him. literally all sorts of remarks except for describing what his code actually does. job security! until he forgets how the fuck he did something, which is honestly only like two months later.

has definitely done the “//don’t touch, this works by magic” comment and the “//don’t refactor and come crying to me when it breaks” comment

this is probably his second real job out of college. he reads early-mid 20s to me, and so he’s definitely doing that comp sci thing where you hop around companies every few years to get a massive pay raise. 

i think he only has his bachelor’s degree, but he definitely went to cornell. double major in comp sci and math. or comp sci and econ. definitely possible he has his masters though. i think if so he went to upenn for it and focused on the econ side there.

his internship during college is at a place that works with the math behind computer graphics. he loves matrices. he’s working for the fun of it before he gets down to business after he graduates.

his first job out of college is as a data analyst. 

likes writing code to make fancy/fun graphics for his statistics/results in presentations to his bosses. if he has the time. which he usually doesn’t.

"blockchain is just a fancy linked list" he says, as he makes a killing investing in cryptocurrency so he graduates with minimal debt.

he has a "the cloud is just someone else's computer" graphic t shirt

he's very into getting the most optimal run time for in his code, which is part of what makes his algo for tmc so Good. everything needs to run as As Fast As Possible in that algo. Time Complexity Is His Jam. idk what to tell u. the dude loves math.

but also he just wrote a quad nested for loop and this is the comment above it: //This is O(scary), but seems quick enough in practice

space complexity? not so much. he doesn’t care about how much space his algos take up. 

he hates maintaining code. he’s itching to create new things and he views programming as a sort of art and creative expression sometimes (im right on this. programming is creative and ill fight to the death).

[specsnsarcasm]

Happiness is a choice

Happiness is a choice. This statement might not make sense to you unless it already does, and to those of you for whom it doesn’t, you may already resent it. But hear me out...

People get kind of defensive when they hear a statement like that. I admit, I used to too. Especially when, in the thick of my depression, people would offer things like that up as unsolicited and entirely unhelpful "advice". It felt equal parts pointed, accusatory and dismissive -- like blame or even judgement. It was as though they thought I simply wasn’t trying hard enough, or like it was just that easy. I resented that they presumed to know anything about me or my struggles. I hated mindless platitudes like that. I’d see so-called “inspirational” quotes on my feed and think “oh, fuck off!” Life can't just be boiled down to a few easy phrases! And besides, if it were that easy, everyone would do it! I thought that people who believed those things lacked emotional depth or an understanding of true pain (which in hindsight was super arrogant!). It wasn’t until years later, and far removed from that context, that I was able to understand on my own and come to the same conclusion. 

The catalyst for this was something *so* small. I woke up one morning feeling extremely, inexplicably run down (“run down” being my sanitized code word for the dreaded depression-word). It signaled the beginning of yet another depressive episode, for which I have previously been diagnosed, and which I have battled for most of my teen and adult life. Beginning with feeling "run down", I would sink deeper into that familiar numb, empty, nothing feeling, and stay there for a while (sometimes longer). This time, I chose to acknowledge that I was tired, and that perhaps my mood was linked to that. I decided to take a nap, called that day a wash, and recommitted to trying to feel a little better tomorrow. When I woke up, I didn’t feel *as* bad. In fact, I felt much better! It sounds almost stupid, because it’s such a small, obvious little action. "Sleep when you’re tired?" What a novel idea! /sarcasm. Except it wasn't obvious or little to me because I usually didn't do that! I usually suffered it out, believing my tiredness to be merely a symptom of my mood, rather than a cause (in depression it can be both). In addition to not being able to sleep, poor quality sleep, or sleeping too long, I would usually stay up and overthink or ruminate. (Maybe as punishment? (more on that later). In doing so, I would feel worse and fall even deeper. Instead, this was the first instance in which I was able to successfully head it off at the pass. 

“You deserve to be happy. Now. Right now. Not tomorrow, or 20 years from now... Happiness is not some arbitrary future finish line.”

No, 'sleep' isn’t a magical cure for depression (though it is a contributing factor; and what therapists, doctors, and lay-people alike have been saying for years!). And it wasn’t happiness either... But it wasn’t unhappiness, which was something. That moment showed me the direct power of a choice I had made. I had actively stopped myself in the middle of a maladaptive pattern. If I could repeat that result with other mini-choices throughout the day, maybe I could have a good few hours? A good day? A good week? Repeat that long enough, and maybe the sum total of that could equal happiness?

I tried this “choice” thing in a few other areas of my life in the following days and weeks with things that would usually upset me or situations that caused me anxiety. "Instead of 'A', choose 'B'"-type scenarios. Some were more complicated than just choosing to sleep, but many weren’t. All had similar degrees of success, and I felt a bit better -- good, even! Granted, it wasn’t a grand, elated, overjoyed feeling of happiness that you see; but I did feel calmer, more present, even, and grounded. Remember in Mario when he gets hit by an enemy, how he turns transparent? That’s how I used to feel before: shrinking, impermanent, exposed; like the next defeat would end me. But now I was feeling more like solid-Mario. I felt more in control of my moods, and like I could handle scenarios, people, and problems as they came at me.

Happiness is a choice. Sometimes we're not ready to hear this. We don't believe it because we have a fundamental misunderstanding of what happiness actually is and looks like (hint: it’s not a feeling). We’ve conflated happiness with “joy” (a feeling) and "cheer" (a manifestation of joy); or else, have been conditioned to view it as 'sunshine and rainbows forever and a life devoid of conflict. This is not only totally unrealistic and impossible, it misses the point by miles. Other times, we’re not ready to even talk about being happy because we're not ready to be happy. We think we don’t deserve it, or that we are incapable of it. We're afraid because we think it won't last. It feels easier to be unhappy because happiness feels unfamiliar, to the point where we don’t trust it. Sometimes to be happy feels a constant upward struggle. It can even feel like a lie, or like something that was meant for others but not ourselves. We've learned to expect/accept unhappiness to the point where we almost embrace it; it's comforting because it's familiar. Maybe you’re scared of being happy because you don’t know who you’ll be if you’re not unhappy? 

Everybody deserves happiness. YOU deserve happiness. Lemme say this again slowly: YOU. DESERVE. TO. BE. HAPPY. Now. Right now. Not tomorrow, or 20 years from now. Not once your life is “perfect”. Not once you’ve bought this thing or gotten that award; gotten into this school, gotten that job, gotten approval from your parents, your peers, that guy/girl, your boss; not when you’ve achieved this status or married that person, had X kids, bought Y house, Z car, etc. Happiness is not some arbitrary future finish line. It’s immaterial, it’s internal, and it’s now.

I go through periods when I understand all of this with such acute clarity, as though I were sitting in the the eye of a storm. But somehow it becomes cloudy again, and the point escapes me entirely. I forget, and struggle, and despair again. It's a process. And for the reasons I’ve mentioned, it might seem easier to sit in unhappiness, but easier isn’t better.

Here’s a hard pill to swallow: happiness isn't something that just happens to you. You actively have to do stuff to make it happen (which is why it can be so uncomfortable. Because we have to overcome our natural inclination to want to NOT do stuff). I know we think some people are just born happy, but that’s the biggest myth out there. It's a skill that is honed over time. It takes effort and practice. You don't know where a person started out or where they are in their journey, so don't automatically discount the amount of work someone has put into getting to there.

It’s not about cockeyed optimism or “the power of positive thinking” either. Happiness isn’t some mantra you tell yourself over and over again until you start to believe it. And blind optimism can be just as dangerous and maladaptive as blanket negativity. Even though happiness and optimism are not equivalent or interchangeable, I do think that the effects of positivity can have an impact on happiness. Especially if you’re starting from a place of pure negativity. A common misconception is that happy people are shallow, stupid or incapable of emotional depth. Happiness is not the absence of sadness, deep thinking, or deep emotions. It is neither the absence of dark, nor pure light. You can still be happy while experiencing the entire range of emotions from anger to joy, and yes, even or profound sadness, sorrow and grief. Happiness is, in fact, a higher order state. It's a state of emotional discipline and mastery that allows you to govern emotions and thoughts, allowing you to feel and experience them fully, deeply, but without allowing them to control you. It’s acknowledging what you're feeling and why you’re feeling it, but choosing how it affects you; choosing not to stay there indefinitely. Emotions fluctuate and change depending on the situation, but like climate is to temperature, happiness is the steady state.

Happiness is a choice. It's one that you recommit to again and again, with all of the little micro decisions you will make by the minute, hourly, daily, etc. to ensure this. Think of it as a strategy, rather than an end goal; a mindset, and the constant choices that you make under this mindset in order to align yourself with it. It’s not passive: it takes work, emotional discipline, maturity, and self-knowledge. It comes from within. No one can give it to you, find it for you, tell you where to look for it, or when. It looks different to everybody. You can’t buy it, or fake your way into it. You won’t just wake up one day and feel it... (again, it's NOT a feeling). And if you’re not ready, that’s okay too! This is neither a criticism, nor a judgement. It's just information. I think it is worth taking some time on your own (or with a therapist) to find out why it is that you’re unhappy, why you feel like you’re not ready to be happy or why you don’t want to be happy. (I’ve mentioned some possible reasons above, but you might have others. No one can tell you). But when you are ready to start the process, begin. Then begin again. Make one small choice, then another. And then another. Over and over again, and keep going. It takes a little practice, but it's entirely manageable. But in my opinion, getting to the place where you can accept it for what it is (and what it isn’t), and then decide to choose it for yourself is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do.

[Note: As always, these are just my own experiences and opinions. You don’t have to agree or identify with them. Everyone is different. If you’re suffering from depression, I encourage you to seek help. Talk to someone that you trust, and hold on].

[tonystarktogo]

Secret Santa Gift Fic I

This is @ayamabuki’s secret santa gift. The prompts I’ve tried to incorporate are at the bottom. I hope you’ll enjoy your gift and wish you and everyone else a lovely Christmas Eve/lovely Sunday!

“I do not understand this tradition,” Loki comments absently.

Tony closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. It’s supposed to help you calm down, or so Pepper once told him. He’s still waiting for that supposedly calming influence to kick in, becase so far all it really does is remind Tony to never let DUM-E play with an air refresher again.

The smell of cinnamon and fir needles is so heavy in the air, it makes his eyes water and he can almost feel his lungs clogging up with every breath he takes. DUM-E, of course, is having the time of his life, so Tony hasn’t had the heart to take that damn spray can away yet. He will though. Eventually.

DUM-E lets out a whirling sound remarkably like an excited squeal and rolls towards the kitchen area.

Tony sighs inwardly, but makes no move to stop him. Maybe Pepper will have mercy on them all and do it for him.

In any case, it’s already 3pm. Rhodey is scheduled to arrive at four, and years of experience tell Tony Pepper and Happy will be here at least half an hour before that. Peter is spending the holidays with his aunt, but he’ll swing by around five, as he has assured Tony many times—he even made JARVIS mark it down in his official calendar.

And despite Tony’s advanced planning—aided by JARVIS’ usual efficiency, hindered by Loki’s usual bullheadedness—nothing is ready. Tony is two seconds away from bashing his head against the closest wall—or the head of a certain, purposefully unhelpful alien.

Tony doesn’t have the time to explain to Loki why there are mistletoes hanging everywhere and why Rhodey keeps sending him lewd texts about it. He especially doesn’t have the time to explain it to Loki for the fourth time.

Half of him—the half that remembers Loki showing up on his doorstep out of the blue one day, and managing to make his apology about trying to take over Midgard sound more like an ‘I forgive you for stopping me’ than an ‘I’m sorry’—is convinced Loki is fucking with his head. Again. He definitely likes doing that too much for Tony’s comfort. Or his sanity, for that matter.

Of course then the other half reminds Tony sternly that he’s also talking about the guy who has watched Tangled two dozen times and still thinks Mother Gothel had a point when she kept the power of the sunlight to herself, so who knows.

Tony still wonders at least twelve times a day what Loki is even doing here, living in his tower, mocking his—quite fantastic, thank you very much—cooking, watching movies, and general making a suspiciously non-violent nuisance of himself. He’d ask Thor about it, but Tony hasn’t seen him since the last attempted world-wide take-over. Which happened, admittedly, only three months ago. Loki may or may not have played a significant role in avoiding an alarming death toll—not that any forces on or beyond Earth will ever get Barton to admit that.

Whatever Loki’s reasons, for the time being Tony is willing to take him at his word and actions. When he isn’t taking apart one of Pepper’s custom ordered mistletoe arrangements in an attempt to find the secret, magical love ingredient hidden in it, that is.

“You are stressed,” Loki continues, voice still far too blasé for Tony’s liking. He’s eying Tony like he was eying that poor mistletoe a few moments ago, a focused gaze that makes Tony’s insides squirm. Tony can’t decide whether he likes that or not. He takes another deep breath, just in case it will help after all.

“Yes, Sherlock, I am, thanks for pointing it out,” he forces out between gritted teeth and takes the mistletoe out of Loki’s unresisting hands. Maybe he can save it. Fixing stuff is kind of Tony’s thing.

“I have been given to understand that the end of December is widely regarded as a time of peace and spiritual contemplation.” Loki tilts his head, a habit when confronted with something that catches his interest, not that Tony noticed it. Not at all.

“I’m sorry, was there a question in that pile of pretentious crap?” Tony snarks, fingers expertly weaving the small twigs and ribbons together into a nice bundle.

Contrary what one might expect, the sharp words don’t offend Loki in the slightest. If anything they make him to grin, green eyes sparkling with delighted mischievousness—not that Tony is observing his reaction out of the corner of his eyes. He’s got too much to do right now to worry about his otherworldly houseguest.

“Not at all,” Loki drawls, reaches out to flick a lock of hair out of Tony’s eyes that’s stubbornly refusing to stay out of his way. “You are not wearing your usual hair products,” Loki shrugs when Tony shoots him a questioning glance, like that’s the only explanation needed.

“So? I thought you didn’t like it?” Tony cards a hand through his hair nervously, feeling inexplicably self-conscious. He’s been growing his hair out a little, not quite the way Barnes prefers it, just long enough for his curls to drive him up the wall.

For some reason, the edges of Loki’s smile smooth over into something softer and twice as hard to read. It does make the squirming sensation in Tony’s stomach harder to ignore though. “I’m well-aware,” is all Loki deigns to say on the matter.

Then he turns sharply on his heels and strides in long, confident steps towards the kitchen. And seriously, Tony is convinced Loki doesn’t know how to do something as plebeian as walk, it’s borderline ridiculous. And a little endearing. When the showmanship isn’t used to kill him, at least.

By some decidedly Christmas-y miracle, by the time Pepper and Happy arrive predictably half an hour early, the air no longer induces constant cough attacks, DUM-E has stopped pouting and started chasing a laser point Tony is pretty sure he didn’t have a couple of minutes ago, the food is almost finished and Tony is as ready as he’s ever going to be.

Pepper kisses Tony on the cheek, Happy shakes his hand, then Rhodey arrives and pulls him into a short hug, and by the time Peter joins them, the ball of anxious energy located somewhere in Tony’s chest has eased into a pulsing warmth. Loki is watching the ongoings from his chosen spot on his favourite armchair, as far away from the festivities as he can comfortably be without leaving.

He’ll get dragged into a drinking competition by Rhodey later on, after Barton and Romanov join them, cheeks red from the cold and out of breath because the debriefing of their last mission takes longer than it should have. But for now he’s simply watching the proceedings. And if none of the others mention the occasional spark of bright, green energy dancing between his fingers—the one that just so happens to coincide with the random appearance of mistletoes above the head of unsuspecting guests—Tony won’t say anything either.

DUM-E is still delightedly chasing the green lights on the floor—and, frankly, Tony is starting to see his point.

Fluff, Loki, hints of FrostIron, family feels, Tony having supportive friends, I tried to include a little of all that @ayamabuki. I hope you like it ;)

[lovestill-exists]

money

currency. that thing we chasing. i literally told a kid today that i needed to get a covid test so that i could eat tomorrow.

really, thats just an exaggeration though. To be honest, BrUTALLY so-- i am awful with the stuff.

I lost my wallet while running down the beach bed, flirting with the waves up to my ankles. the bitch stole it. ive been feeling that itch of something taking it the entire day. but what did i do? I pushed that sense out of the way, finding it really annoying. but it wasn’t wrong, was it? it never is

i felt like an idiot. especially when i was whispering wishes to the ocean, asking her about something completely different.. i trusted it was listening, answering my questions in its own, vague way the universe typically does.

instead, it swept up my wallet and gave me false hopes. im livid. genuinely mad

also, the job i took the covid test for isnt responding back to me. probably cos theyre on location and i was meant to look for a breakfast place for 40 people, but i didnt.. cos i told them i needed the address. “please send me the address to your location for tomorrow and i can get right on that” but nope. my hiring location scout told me a sad story instead over the phone, where she had awful reception and i couldn't hear half the words she said.. tried to tell her i couldnt hear her very well, that if she could quickly text me the information id need, then i can start doing my job.. but i doubt she heard me.

i called her again after getting back to my apartment to ask for that information

three hours later, she calls back but doesnt leave a voicemail

i call her back half an hour later and she answers, then hangs up.no call back.

and at this point, im not even mad if i dont work tomorrow. free covid test. ill get my results and have these days off again. I can make my doctor’s appointment.

will i be able to pay for the damn appointment. yes.

will it hurt to do it? only my ego..

I only have the foresight to be able to save a shitton of money if i need it.. call it a cautionary evil, quite necessary but.. its not as big of a basin as id like it to be. sometimes i wonder if im good at anything else.. make money on the side doing.. something else besides being a badass on set

cos set life isnt how it used to be. safe, that is.

I’m not above taking pictures of my feet, for instance.

but maybe.. i should look a lil deeper. I’m also not above working a 9-5 again

at least, until i find this thing im meant to be doing, besides rescuing dogs or something.. at least rescuing someone else, instead of someone rescuing me.

My boyfriend had enough foresight to lend me some money so i can get back home safely. i wasn’t even thinking about it. he mentioned how calm i seemed over losing my wallet, how no one could be blamed for going completely insane over it. but im used to it. how much worse does that sound?

Losing your wallet is losing your identity. your name. your address that isnt the one you reside at anymore but the one that felt closer to home in a long LONG time. your totem, the one your mother printed for you to assure that "abundance is always there for you". ha. my two debit cards.. probably my insurance card ive never used. a membership card for go karts in the bay area.. and 23 dollars.

what a loss. and at the same time.. i dont feel it as badly as i should.

like im lost. truly. like why dont i follow my inner instincts ushering me to just shut up and pay attention to it for once? i walked around, paid for things the entire day and everytime my wallet was in my hands, i had a sinking feeling of dread. that i need to keep it safe. and i felt stupid for feeling that way. so conflicted. money never meant so much to me. why was i worried.. was i overspending? was i depending on it too much? 

but now i just feel stupid i hadnt listened.. i do that all the damn time. i get a sense of something before it happens and i ignore it. im.. worst at listening to myself than my actual financial responsibilities.

i felt that stupidity every time i stopped at a gas station on the way back to my apartment from LA. The act of taking out cash and walking away from the pump inside to let the guy behind the counter authorize the transaction for me.. I only stopped twice.. the second place i stopped at, i convinced myself to stop simply cos i knew the place well and it would be the quickest stop id make on my trip. i kept second guessing my route back home solely as to whether id be making the right choice to go there.

it was at this gas station that a kid came up to me, mask no where on his face, but swearing he wasnt homeless.. just a lil scared. he needed gas to get home but his card was declined. asked me if i had any cash or if i could cash app him some money, just enough to get home.

I hesitated, thinking in the back of my mind if i was going to be alright to give him anything. i had no cards, no more cash than what i had to get home, and i still needed a covid test to get to, where i was unsure if id had to pay for it out of pocket. told him “Sorry, i dont have an iphone” and hes like “shit.. can i please ask you to pay for at least five dollars, you can stand by the pump-!”

“sorry, i lost my debit cards.. haha”

“oh shiiit.. hahaha..”

“yeah.. but i do have a bit of cash my dude. let me get it for you”

“Oh shit, really?? thank you so much!”

This kid, obviously young, a teenager, looked so relieved. cos the more i said something unhelpful, the more panicked he started to look. and i was gut punched by it. i was this kid, worried about his next paycheck, wondering why i was so bad at money, why i couldnt be responsible.

and im not trying to say that was his deal today, his card could have declined for any real reason. but i was that panicked once. its stupid to feel that way over something so.. fucking stupid. something that rules over everyone a little too much.. when we should really not be worried about our next meal, or when our next job will come. i handed him the cash, booked my covid test and booked it out of there. all so “i could eat tomorrow”

i use money to make things just a lil easier. i dont try too hard to be irresponsible. but definetly dont make myself too responsible either. its just habit otherwise, which could be the only thing keeping me afloat. but there is another lesson im missing too.. maybe still not money related. or if it is.. i clearly dont have the answer for it yet.

still learning that one

[danisnotofire]

hey im going to orientation in a few days and im rly nervous abt starting college, i was just wondering if you had any tips or any ~advice~ bc im like, lowkey freaking out ((also i also stage manage and i love musicals and astronomy (sry i was snooping around your about page)))

hey!!! ok i am so so so sorry this took so long lol i actually just went back to school myself to help out with a pre-orientation program and we’ve been having like 17 hour days so i’m Exhausted and haven’t had a lot of time to really give a thoughtful answer (UNTIL NOW). some of this is gonna sound cheesy, but this is Emma Danisnotofire’s Official Real List of Pro-Tips for College, so if it’s on here it’s true. that being said, i go to a medium/small school (4,000 students) in the middle of fucking nowhere, so some of my experiences are gonna be a lil different. most still apply. 

first off, it’s TOTALLY OKAY that you’re nervous. i know when i went i was highkey freaking out even more bc everybody else seemed to be just excited and i felt like i was the only one actually losing my mind from how scared i was. i didn’t sleep at all the night before i moved in. being scared is fine. you’ll probably be scared for awhile after you get there, too, and that’s absolutely okay. i remember it took me a solid few weeks for me to stop feeling nauseous from nerves whenever i woke up. i promise i promise this will go away. you will settle in and you’ll make friends and you’ll figure out where everything is and how things work, i PROMISE. 

second, once you get there, don’t be afraid to talk to people!! i know that sounds super cheesy and unhelpful, but seriously. talk to your orientation leaders!! they’re usually upperclassmen and 99% of the time they had to APPLY to get that position, and it’s because they’re so so excited to meet you!! i’m a mentor for this pre-o program (it’s arts-focused), and we all had to apply, and every single other mentor is super passionate not only about the arts but about making sure the incoming freshman feel comfortable and happy and at home right off the bat. we want to like you!! talk to us!!! talk to each other!! at my school, (bucknell), orientation is actually pretty fucking legendary (it’s 5 straight days of just. nonstop activities), so getting to know your group is always nice. good conversation starters include: compliment something they’re wearing/have done, mention pets, ask about what classes they’re taking. that’s usually where i start when i’m talking to my kids!! 

okay, now for some Actual Tangible Advice. most of this is actually taken from when i gave my friend natalie some advice about college, but it’s still applicable to you!! i’m putting it under a readmore bc It’s So Very Long, I’m Sorry, I Really Hope This Helps/Makes Up For Me Not Answering For So Long

-if you can, get a microwave. if you can’t, it’s nbd because there’s probably one in your dorm somewhere. but it’s really nice not to have to put on shoes/socks to go make ramen at 3am

-INVEST IN GOOD SOCKS!!!! srsly omg you’re never gonna wanna go anywhere barefoot, and dorm heating/cooling can be tricky. i treated myself to a 5-pair box where they’re all different classic art pieces. they’re GORGEOUS and super nice for when i can’t find my flip-flops.

-also, if you have birks. bring them. they are also good for sliding on when u really have to pee in the middle of the night and can’t for the life of u find anything else. also everyone i know wears birks casually (i have a 20 dollar pair of fake ones from american eagle lol)

-OLD NAVY HAS FLIP FLOPS 2 FOR 5 DOLLARS. they make the BEST shower shoes and also they come in so many lit colors they’re the bomb digs. these are also good if you don’t have a pair of birks

-if your dorm doesn’t have it already (most dorms don’t) BUY A SCREEN FOR YOUR WINDOW!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY if u hate bugs you do NOT want them coming in when all u want is some fresh air. my roommate last year brought one to school bc i didn’t even think about it and it was a LIFESAVER.

-if you can, get one of those febreeze scent things you plug in. if you aren’t allowed, there’s this thing called a scentsy that basically melts wax and it makes your room smell SO. GOOD. idk how much they cost but honestly you will be thankful you have it if you can get it (candles work too but most dorms don’t allow candles)  

-you don’t need a huge plastic shower caddy!! you can get a softer one and then hang it on a hook outside the shower or loop it around the shower knob. they’re probs better than a big hard one bc they won’t fill up with water and you can stash it easier. (i went with a big plastic one and it’s a hassle lol). however, if you already got a big plastic one, that’s cool too bc sometimes they come with a removable second smaller caddy, and that’s good for putting your phone in outside of the shower to play music.

-lofting your bed is super nice bc it gives you a little more privacy from your roommate (and privacy is so so so rare in college, esp in a dorm). it’s also nice bc if you’re up there and a friend walks into your room (which is bound to happen with dorm living, which is where i’m assuming ur living as a first-year) they won’t immediately see you, which gives you a few seconds to get ur shit together before they see you.

-HOWEVER!! there are a few downsides to lofting ur bed. the major one is that it’s a pain in the ass to not only get up there, but also to lug your laptop/charger/snacks/etc up there, and once you’re up u probably aren’t gonna wanna come down. also, i don’t know if you drink, (which btw totally cool if you don’t!!), but there was definitely one time where i was too drunk to climb into my bed (i know, i know, several bad choices were made that night and i regret all of them), but thankfully my roommate last year was a fucking goddess though (a definite Mom Friend) and pulled all my sleeping stuff down to the floor lol. it’s rare that something like that happens, but it’s definitely something u wanna take into consideration.

-college is infinitely emotionally taxing. face masks and shower bath-bombs (you put them on the floor of your shower and they slowly dissolve and release whatever scent they are) do LOADS to make u feel better. face masks are also good bonding with friends!! 

-some other self-care college tips: cafes will usually have either hot apple cider in the fall, or you can get steamed milk with vanilla in it and it’s very soothing and gentle and calming. i got it a lot when i was sick just bc it was warm and not difficult to stomach. 

-also baking. if you get a few friends and bake something, it is 1) bound to be hilarious and 2) everyone who walks by will love you. we once made cinnamon buns, except instead of individual ones we made one big disgusting MegaBon, and we still talk about it to this day. it’s the name of our group chat lmaooo

-you can literally never have too much storage. plastic bins, crates, etc. never too much.

-you will leave college with so much more stuff than what you came with. holy shit. you will also get so many t-shirts??? see above. you’ll need storage.

-college is also the definition of ‘Everything is Happening All The Time’, and ur probably gonna make friends who try and do Everything. it took me super long to internalize the fact that it’s okay to like, say no to doing something and take a nap instead. not all the time, sometimes its good to force urself out of your room, but you can stay in on a saturday every once in a while! it doesn’t matter. 

-that being said, do try and go out of your comfort zone a little!! i was definitely not the type to do this in high school, but these days i’ll sometimes go to frat parties!! they’re actually really fun when you go with friends (and always go with friends!!!). it doesn’t even necessarily need to be parties either. audition for a capella. stage manage a show. do a club sport. there’s so much you can do!! (i actually didn’t follow my own advice here last year, i was too terrified to do a lot of things. i did theatre though, which ended up taking up most of my time anyway, but i still wish i had done more, hence why i’m doing this program right now! don’t be like first-year me. be better!)

-HOWEVER here are some (frat) party tips: girls can usually get into parties much easier than guys can, but either way don’t try to go out until around october/late september. the first few weeks back are for upperclassmen catching up with friends . go with a group, and STAY with your group. please. no girl left behind. they usually only serve shitty beer, and ofc you should keep your eyes on it the whole time. if you put it down, just go get another one instead of picking that one up again. also, invest in a shitty coat/gross pair of shoes specifically to wear to the frats. the floors are gross, and you’re probs gonna end up storing your jacket behind a trash can in the winter bc it’s too fucking hot inside the room to keep it on. (is this coat thing just a bucknell thing?? this might just be a bucknell thing). 

-more drinking/etc/stuff: know your rights. RAs are not allowed to look through drawers/open closets when doing room searches, so if you have wine or anything, make sure it’s hidden in somewhere they’re not allowed to touch.

-THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT: if someone has drank too much, BACKPACK THEM. get them into bed while wearing a filled up backpack. it prevents people from rolling over and choking on their vomit. i cannot emphasize how important it is for you to backpack someone. if you can, stay with them to make sure they’re okay. also, don’t be afraid to let them throw up before they go to bed. it helps. they’ll usually feel better. 

-if you can, get a job that lets you sit down. receptionist, librarian, etc. these are the best, bc sometimes you’ll get the  chance to study or get paid for doing nothing. also? receptionist looks SUPER good on a resume. also? money is nice.

-LOCK YOUR DOOR!!!!! I LEARNED THIS THE HARD WAY WHEN SOME WEIRD SENIOR BOY WALKED INTO MY ROOM DRUNK AT 3AM AND WOULDN’T LEAVE. also, you’ll make friends in the first week that you won’t necessarily want to be friends with later on, but they won’t get that message lol. again, lock your door (learned that the hard way, too)

-for future semesters, if you can’t get into a class right away it REALLY helps to email the professor!!! seriously, 9 times out of 10 they are more than happy to let an extra person in, because there are always students who drop the class within the first week or two. that’s how i got into astronomy my first semester, and i’m now a teacher’s assistant for it. so. really, it helps.

-the best way to be better friends with people is to just, get meals with them. honestly. make a group chat with some people and whenever ur getting dinner or lunch or whatever just throw out a ‘hey anyone wanna get food with me??’ text. 90% of the time someone will come with you.

-speaking of meals tho, ik this is the number 1 thing people tend to say, but it’s tRUE. nobody cares if you eat alone. it too me SO LONG to internalize this, but it’s totally fine to do!! it’s actually really nice sometimes, you can bring homework or your laptop and get some work done. it’s not even with meals, either! you can study alone! you can walk places alone! you can go to the gym alone! i was always terrified of being seen alone bc i thought people were gonna think i didn’t have friends or w/e dumb thing my anxiety had me feeling, (i still struggle with that lmao) but in reality you just look independent and cool!!! also, it helps to be content in the fact that you have friends and it doesn’t matter if people THINK you don’t.

-get a reusable water bottle. i got a plastic one for like 12 bucks, and i use it DAILY. if ur walking a lot, it helps keep you hydrated. also, it gives you something to do in class. also, you can personalize it with stickers and stuff (you can do the same with a laptop case). i p much take mine with me EVERYWHERE.

-this was also hard for me to internalize, but u gotta remember the fact that it’s okay not to be who u were in high school. like, i gave up some of the things i was into in high school in favor of some other things, and it took me awhile to figure out that i wasn’t like, betraying anyone, if that makes sense?? like, i started going to frat parties and actually having FUN at them??? (something i NEVER would have been into in high school, but here we are).

-also, grades are very different in college. i freaked out when i wasn’t getting a 4.0, because that’s who i was in high school, but then i kinda put it in perspective. i ended with a 3.67, which is still dean’s list. you’re not going to be perfect, bc chances are you ended up at a school with people on kinda equal intelligence levels as you. don’t freak out. 

okay that’s pretty much it!!! i can def come up with more stuff tailored to certain things/etc if you want me to talk more about this stuff!!! i love giving college advice and talking and helping people feel better about this whole thing bc i know it’s hard and scary

[ais-n]

Editing (and writing) tips

I recently got a question asking about writing tips in general, and especially related to editing. For privacy reasons, as usual, I won’t name the person–but I’m writing a post here instead of replying directly because 1) I always ramble like fuuuuuuuck and 2) maybe someone else out there is curious about the same thing from my perspective.

First, as always, I’m obviously not a professional. You’ll definitely want to go with what professionals say, if anything goes against my thoughts. But for what it’s worth, I helped a family member edit her book and a professional who worked with her on the book was really impressed with my feedback. Which I am not saying to pat myself on the back; I say only to mention that maybe, hopefully, some of this is useful and not totally leading people down the wrong path lol

If it’s easier for you to read this on another site, or if it doesn’t let you click the “read more” link, you can find this entire post also on my blog here: https://aisness.wordpress.com/2017/07/04/editing-and-writing-tips/

Writing

I have some posts on writing advice here: http://ais-n.tumblr.com/tagged/writing-advice — and there should be some that Santino and/or I wrote under “writing questions” here: https://aisness.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/icos-master-list-feb-2016-edition (Note that there may be some overlap between the two links, also I’m not sure if all those links still work–if you see any specifically that don’t, let me know).

I have lots of thoughts on writing, but they’re all pretty informed by my personal writing style which is very much aimed toward writing what makes sense for that story and those characters, and “rules” be damned. I don’t like the idea of confining oneself to expectations if it interferes with the natural, organic progression of a story. That does mean I tend to go pretty hardcore into stuff I write because if I’m writing a dark story, I’m not going to pull punches; and I tend to add a fair amount of darkness into my stories because it doesn’t feel realistic to me otherwise. But this also means my style doesn’t work for people who want to feel like they always know what’s coming or at least know the limits to which the story will go. After all, as we’ve seen, you cannot trust me to not totally fuck up a character because it feels like the right progression for me. And that’s not fun for some people to read, you know? But it’s super hard for me to write a more chill story because it’s not the kind of story I tend to read. I try to do it and then I get bored, but other people can do that same concept and story in a fantastically beautiful way and really excel at it.

What I mean by this aside is that I have maybe a bit of an odd  viewpoint on writing stories compared to some more traditional or mainstream views, so that may make me a terrible person to ask for thoughts for you, or it may make me someone who vibes better with your personal style. I think it’s most important we’re all genuine to ourselves so whatever writing style works for you is the perfect style for your stories. There’s a story out there for every occasion, every voice, every idea, every feeling.

There is no right or wrong way to write; in my opinion, the only way you can do anything “wrong” is by not believing in your own personal voice, your own personal style; by silencing your individuality if it doesn’t fit the stronger, louder voice. If it does fit, that’s perfect and you should run with it. If it doesn’t, don’t change yourself or your world or characters or story into something it isn’t. That feeling of dissonance will be what is taken away from your story instead of the story itself, at least to readers like me. Because I do believe what Maya Angelou said is true: people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. In my personal opinion both as a reader and a writer, I think that applies to stories as well.

I also think research is really important but I guess that’s a whole other thing. I’m getting too much into writing tips right now so I’ll leave it at this and the linked posts above — but if anyone is curious about anything in particular, let me know. If you’d be curious about my personal thoughts on anything, I’m happy to answer

Editing:

Editing is a pain, but also kind of fun. I have a few thoughts on it– most of what I’m first talking about below is you editing your own work. I touch a little on editing someone else’s work afterward.

**Read or edit for the overall flow as much (or IMO more) than you do the specific grammatical nitpicking. I know that’s going to go against what a lot of people feel about editing, but here’s the thing: stories are translations of the heart, whether it’s the heart of the overall story, the heart of the writer, the heart of the characters, the heart of the reader, the heart of whatever it represents. To me, a story is poetry on a larger scale, or it’s a song, or it’s whatever artistic endeavor that represents something that, to you, feels moving or meaningful.

Yes, it’s important that we understand what you’re trying to say. For that, yes, having someone check the grammar is definitely useful.

But the rules of grammar are not the rules of language. That may sound like an odd thing to say because, yeah, technically it is– but think about when you’re learning a new language. If it’s anything like when I’ve taken classes in the multiple languages I’ve taken classes in, the teacher tells you all the specific grammatical rules so you’re speaking properly, politely, in complete sentences with all the correct intonation and all the right tenses. You can definitely get your thoughts across if you learn a language that way, in that people will understand the concept of what you’re saying because you are literally speaking textbook to them.

But then think about your native language. Do you speak or type grammatically correct all the time? Do you avoid contractions, run-on sentences, do you not indulge in hyperbole, do you not have fun dropping an Oxford comma or two? If you’re feeling an intense emotion, aren’t you even more likely to play the strings of the language you know best? Changing vocabulary to emphasize meaning or form, adding intensity in your tone or your chosen verbal attack, throwing in swear words or cutting your sentences in half then in half again and again until it’s just partial words because you’re too upset or excited or something else to properly form a complete sentence?

There may be people out there who don’t do this, I don’t know. But for me, this is how I function, and it seems to me how a lot of people around me function. We rarely speak perfectly politely, perfectly properly, in our native tongue 100% of the time. Even languages built very much on the concept of polite and proper, even cultures with a clear sense of in group vs out group, have variations set in place in their language to indicate intimacy, friendship, a sense of understanding. Those levels are there so we can share that connection with others in something as simple as the word we choose when we call them, or the name we use when they come close.

To me, stories are like levels of language. There are different ways of telling the stories based on the story that’s being told. If it’s a character who’s distant or cold, or a setting that requires a sense of detachment, writing in very proper, polite, grammatically perfect sentences makes sense because it provides that sense of out group you would get in your native tongue. If it’s a story that should feel visceral, cloying, catastrophically vulnerable, then it’s meaningful to write in an ebb and flow of emotion dependent on the feeling of the character or the feeling the writer wants to create within the reader. Words breathe life into the story they relay, so the chosen words matter. Most of the time, I think stories benefit from a variation in the telling of them; perfect in some places, very imperfect in others, a constant reflection of the tapestry of emotions and motion in the world or story itself, or a view into the mind of the character displayed.

So, although it’s important to have someone who can help with any egregious and unhelpful grammatical mistakes, or spelling errors or the like, I also don’t think that should be the primary focus. It’s the sort of thing that’s important to take into account so that no poor wording accidentally jolts the reader from the story, but it shouldn’t be the be all and end all because that could result in losing the more emotional flow needed for what the story is trying to get across.

I think of it like this: writers are the translators for a character’s life. How would the characters feel at different points in the story, and therefore how best can that be worded to make the reader feel the same way reading it? How can you make the reader feel like they are experiencing that same emotion the character is feeling? That’s the best way to bring alive a world or plot or character, in my mind: by making it real.

**Read, reread, reread again, but leave time in between. One of the best things I think you can do right after you finish writing a story is set it aside and do not touch it or think about it for a time period that makes sense for the length of story you wrote, or whatever makes sense for you as a person. I like to give it at least a week, and if it’s a story I worked on for a long time, maybe even months.

Obviously you have to go according to if you have a deadline or not, or whatever other factors are affecting you in your life and situation. If it’s a short story, okay then maybe you really only need to set it aside for a day or a few hours before getting back in there. But if it’s something you labored on at length, you need to give yourself a clarity you can’t achieve by immediately starting over at the top. I wrote Incarnations over the course of 20 years, for example, and I ended up finishing it in October 2016, set it aside for most of November and December, did the occasional spot checking and spot editing throughout through February or March 2017, and didn’t really fully reread it until May 2017. Now it’s going into July 2017, and I’m still editing it again, I just started rereading from the start, and I’m still finding things that can use improvement. But I’m happy about it, because the improvements I’m seeing are ones that I think are valuable, and they’re things I obviously didn’t notice any of the many times I reread these early chapters in the years preceding this month.

So, finish your story and then push it aside and don’t think about it right away. Do other things. I like to watch TV shows I like, play games that are fun, turn to manga, whatever it is that relaxes you and may also inspire you, without being too closely connected to the source material (aka, your book) where it won’t let you fully get that distance. That’s why I like to use other media like movies, TV shows, etc, instead of other books because it’s too easy to fall back into a comparative mindset on something too parallel.

That sounds a little crazy, I know, but you could send it off to other people in that interim if that makes sense to you. (That’s what I did — in October when I finished Incarnations, I sent it to my 4 betas which then gave them plenty of time to look it over in the months I was laying low. And just in late June I got another beta who is looking at the whole thing with fresh eyes, which is good because now she has the  copy of the book that included all the improvements I made between myself and my betas’ suggestions.) I think it’s important to have that break, whether you send it to others or simply set it aside for no one to read for some time. You don’t want to go so long that you never pick it up again, but you want to give yourself time to distance yourself from all the decisions big and small you made in the course of writing it.

The reason for this is so that when you go back and reread it from beginning to end, you are looking at it with fresh eyes. You’re going to be more likely to notice things that need fixing that way; whether it’s a poorly done transition, or maybe an idea on how to improve a whole section, or maybe you realize you need to remove this piece so that another part shines. Ideally, you will want to reread a few times, and give yourself some space again in between at some point.

You will always find things you missed or things that need to be improved, no matter how many times you reread and edit it, no matter how many people look at it. Stories are living, breathing evolutions of the heart. They will always feel both very right and very wrong, because they will always strike you a little different every time you review them.

**Save everything! This is another suggestion that probably a lot of people will disagree with, but personally I’m a pack rat. I keep all the old versions of everything I ever write, because I find it helpful sometimes to pull inspiration from the past, or to double check that I made the right decision on this or that. Or sometimes in the course of editing and rereading and reviewing, you’ll realize that a scene you wrote previously that you removed is one that still keeps coming back to you.

That happened with me in Incarnations, to give you an example to explain what I mean. As I mentioned, I’ve been working on that book on and off for 20 years. In the course of that time, I kept writing new beginnings to the book,  doing random new scenes, trying to find something to jumpstart my interest in a story I loved but a book that was hard for me to write. In one of those incarnations (no pun intended  ;p), I had a scene of some characters walking into a town, and the way that town felt to the POV character. I actually wrote probably 3 or 4 versions of this same scene, from different POVs, of them walking into this town. I really liked the scene, and I really wanted that scene to start the book for a long time, and for a long time it did.

At some point I chose a different character’s POV as the main scene, and then eventually I decided to cut out that scene entirely and take pieces of it with the same POV character but write a totally different scenario. So I ended up scrapping that entire start of a chapter I had. I know many people who would simply delete that because it isn’t relevant anymore, but being a pack rat, I didn’t.

Years passed and I got to the point in the book where all the characters go to that town. But because of the way I was jumping back and forth chronologically between character POVs, I decided to totally scrap the scene of them entering the town, and instead you would see them heading toward it, then the next time you saw them they would have been there for hours and there would be a recap in narration of what happened up until that point. I felt like that was fine in writing it and editing it and that’s what I did. But then, after I gave myself those months of not rereading it front to back, after I gave myself time to spot check other parts, when I reread it with fresh eyes I felt like it was jarring having that time skip.

I needed to add back in a scene of them entering the town; of the impact it had on them. If I had deleted that scene for good, it would have been incredibly frustrating for me because I remembered liking what I’d had before, I remembered having most of it written out, I knew it would be so much faster to find that and add it back in and edit it for flow instead of rewriting from scratch. And because I keep everything, because I use Scrivener where everything is in one place, because I have it organized just well enough for me to know where to find the folder of old chapters and old chapter parts, it was easy for me to find that scene, incorporate it into a new chapter, and edit out the narration info dump in the other chapter that had thrown off the flow.

When you’re on your 3rd, 4th, 20th time of rereading or editing a story, it’s way too frustrating to think about having to write something completely new. It feels like, come on, I should be over that part, I should have the freedom to not have to totally write a brand new chapter. But you may find that previous ideas you had actually do work better to bring back into the fold instead of leaving out. If you delete everything you did along the way, you will double or triple your frustration at the point you need it. And if you’re anything like me, you may delay yourself significantly in going forward because you’ll be too frustrated by your lack of forethought to want to deal with what you need to do in the present.

You may find you never reuse your old bits and pieces–you may think, that doesn’t apply to me, if I delete something I know I want it gone for good, I don’t care about what it was before because if I need to add something I want to add something brand new. That may be how you function so that may work wonderfully and therefore, you may be tempted to delete things just so you get it out of your way. I would still recommend saving everything, for an entirely different reason as well. It’s nice to see where you were, to know where you are now. It can be good for yourself to see how you used to write so you can see your improvements.

But even more than that, if your story ever makes it big or even has a meaningful impact on one other person, they may really appreciate having that insight into how the story started vs what it became. I know I personally like having that insight for myself, and for stories I enjoy I always love to have all the drafts and tidbits and whatever else I can find, because it makes the world feel even more real to me. It can be inspirational to other people, or it can simply be a fun extra for a story or world they adore.

Think about JKR — think of all the people who would love to have the airplane bag she wrote the Hogwarts houses on first, or the notepads she originally wrote the plot ideas on, because Harry Potter is important to them. She may have seen those as something to throw away back then, in the case of the airplane bags something literally made to be discarded, and yeah it was just ink on a throwaway bag. But it was the beginning of something so much more. She can never get back that bag if she throws it out, but if she keeps it, it can be a constant reminder to her of where she started and where she is now, or an inspiration to other writers that you don’t need all the biggest and best programs and computers and training to write. You just need a story you want to tell, and a means to write it down.

**Notes are great. Speaking of notes, I think they’re great! I use Scrivener when I’m writing, and it helps soooooo much in editing too. One of the things I do as I write and edit and reread is I’m constantly leaving comments to myself in the story. I leave comments about “this is what’s happening in the background of this scene” or “this is what’s meaningful about this particular wording from the character” or “this is what that means even though it won’t come up for a long time” or “why did I do this? check if I want to keep it” or “hey I just got a great idea on how I can incorporate this into a future idea, note to self remember to add this in later” and so on and so forth. Because I’m wordy as fuck, some of those comments are basically a short story on their own. But they give me so much more context than I  would have otherwise had, and there have been many times that I totally forgot about the significance of something, only to see it mentioned in a comment and say to myself, “Oh hey! That’s actually really cool…”

When editing, those comments are invaluable to help remind me of what I was thinking when I first wrote something. Also, it helps me see if something bugged me in previous rereading or editing, so that I can decide if I do eventually want to delete or change a part or if I want to keep it. It lets me compare my current editing thoughts against previous editing or writing thoughts, which gives me a much more faceted view of every step along the way.

**Have beta readers, ideally from different perspectives. I think having multiple, trusted people read your story is important after you’ve finished it. They will have an outside perspective you won’t, and they may notice things you missed. They may have great ideas for improvement that wouldn’t have occurred to you, and they may have feedback for some of the ideas you had that just aren’t working for them as readers. You want that variance of view because it will give you a much more faceted experience of your story than you would get if you only look at it yourself, or only choose yes men as your feedback.

**Find a critic. Along the lines of beta readers, it’s important to have betas who will read the story for the overall flow, the overall emotional impact, and give you feedback on that. How did the story make them feel? How did the characters connect or not connect with them, and why? These are important factors in a story. And yeah, maybe this character shouldn’t be connecting with readers, maybe that’s the whole point– but then that gives you a good idea that you were on the right track with how you wrote that.

But you can never improve if you only seek out people who will tell you all the great things you’re doing, and none of the bad. No story is perfect, there is no book that can’t be improved. You don’t want to get all the way to the point of releasing the story and only then find all the flaws in it, where it becomes a criticism on a grander scale and can even affect word of mouth, or whether or not people choose to read it. You will never make it perfect, but it’s good to know ahead of time what people may fault the story for, so you have time to determine if you find fault in that as well and want to fix it, or if for you it’s something that is there purposefully, that shouldn’t change, at which point you will have a better answer ready for when the questions come about why this or why that.

Find someone who will constructively criticize your story–someone who will nitpick details, challenge the rules of the world, ask you to explain or justify why this or that choice was made. You should be able to answer all those questions, give reasons for all those challenges. If you can’t, that gives you a really good view of the parts of your story that may need improvement, or perhaps areas that don’t flow well with the rest.

Find the level of critic that makes sense for what you’re doing. If you’re doing a fun little story that isn’t a serious endeavor, then you don’t need someone who will rip it to shreds because that may not be the point of the story. But if you’re writing an epic series with an intricate plot, it would behoove you to get that other perspective that will be pulling apart the story as they read to give you clues to what thoughts may be going through a reader’s mind, and what needs to be added, changed, or removed to improve that experience.

Again, it’s important this person gives you constructive criticism — just being told you write like shit isn’t helpful. You need someone who will pinpoint problem areas and tell you why and how it needs help. Ideally, that person will also be a great bouncing board for you to figure out solutions to those problems.

**Follow critical people. Another thing I like to do is find people who do constructive criticism of books we all know or love; popular series, indie series, it doesn’t matter. There are writers, editors, critics, etc, out there who post about why they did or didn’t like this or that thing. You need to find someone who is fair about it; who doesn’t just rip into everything to be a jerk, but who will constructively address issues they see in stories in whatever media they follow.

Having them go through stories we all know can be really useful, because then you have something to compare against as a fellow reader. Do you agree with their criticism or assessment of this story or that plot or this character? Why or why not? Do you never agree with their criticisms, or do you mostly agree but sometimes not? That will give you a really good idea of where they’re coming from in their own perspective when they’re looking at stories, so then you know how to interpret recommendations they give generally or specifically in stories they’re reading.

You can then look at what they’re saying about these books you have also read, what they see as the problems and what they see as the solutions, and then apply that mindset to your own story and try to see from the perspective they would have for your work. What do you think they would say needs to change? What do you think they would say is the reason? Do you agree? How can you adjust it so that their criticism wouldn’t apply but that you still feel comfortable you are keeping the story real to its needs?

One of my favorite people who does this is Whitley over at http://readingwithavengeance.com/. She also has a whole section on writing tips or thoughts here: http://readingwithavengeance.com/tagged/on-writing. What I like about Whitley is she’s funny and snarky in places, but she isn’t mean. She explains why she feels how she feels, she will be very critical of things that make no sense to her, but she gives suggestions for how it might have been improved, and even in a book she loathes she will always say if this or that line or part or plot point actually is done well. Also, she usually overviews what’s happening and often goes chapter by chapter, so you could read an entire book through her criticisms alone, and know everything that happened in the book while also knowing how she felt about it. It’s sort of like having director commentary for a book, only it’s critic commentary. I used to religiously follow her blog and haven’t as much lately only because I’m on tumblr less, but I do love her perspective from when I followed her in the past. I actually was going to hire her to review Incarnations, but the book is so long that it would cost me a fortune to have her look at it, which is a shame because I think she would have a wonderful perspective. But speaking of, some of the people who are critics like Whitley actually can be hired as an editor of your book–consider that as an option if it makes sense for you.

But you don’t have to agree with Whitley–I mention her as an example of someone I personally really like, but you may like someone else. Point being, find that person who resonates with you, see what issues they have with stories they are critiquing, and turn that critical thinking onto your own story to see if you fall into the same tropes as that book and if so, see if you think it can be improved.

**Don’t be afraid to change things, and don’t be afraid to keep things. Make the story true to the world, the characters, and you; don’t compromise anything that’s really important to you to keep, just because someone says it doesn’t meet expectations or genre rules or whatever other explanation. But also don’t just dismiss what they’re saying because you don’t like it; really consider their feedback, their point of view, their suggestions. If it’s something that’s too important to keep, then even if they recommend you remove it, figure out a compromise that lets you keep what you want to keep without detracting from the quality of the overall story. Value their contributions and their viewpoint without replacing your own with theirs simply because you’re insecure.

**Don’t see editing as an extended means of failure. Don’t see editing as something that is only showing you your failures. If there are a lot of mistakes in your story, if a lot of things need to be changed, if you feel like in the end you’re changing more than you’re keeping–none of this is indicative of failure, and so you shouldn’t feel down about it. It’s all about improving the rough edges of your story so it can truly shine, and in that way it will not detract from the characters or world or plot it covers.

Constructive criticism and beta readers can provide an invaluable source of feedback, but it’s also important you ask them to tell you what does work. You need to know where you did well for the story, and where it can be improved. But know that improving something isn’t showing you failed in the original writing of it; it only means you wrote something well enough that people understood where you wanted to go with it, but you didn’t have the other perspectives yet on how to take it there even further. We are all human beings with our own singular POV. That’s why it’s important to get those other thoughts, to help us expand our view. We still did a great job in the original writing of it no matter how much needs to change, because we still wrote it. We still got something out there into the world that wasn’t there before. We still became the voice for that world or character. All we’re doing now is finding a way to polish that voice so more people on a larger scale understand it better.

**Don’t let the rules rule you. There is a risk of me sounding a bit sassy in this section and I genuinely don’t mean to, but this happens to be a major frustration I have generally in life which comes out pretty well in this concept. I feel like I see people reference this idea of genre expectations sometimes in writing, and I don’t get it. I know, I know, I probably am the odd one out on this; I probably have a strange perspective that the professionals would say is all wrong. Maybe they’re right, or maybe I just don’t understand what people are trying to say. But the way I interpret this concept I’ve seen– that you have to fit certain rules to be “successful”–it’s just… it’s something that is so against the way I feel about life that it’s hard for me to reconcile.

The thing is, stories shouldn’t be cookie cutter. Sometimes they can fall into that mindset if everyone is so concerned with meeting the rules placed upon them that they aren’t following the rules or flow of their own world or story.

I personally feel like the library would be a pretty boring place if literally every book checked all the boxes and stayed in the boundaries of its particular genre. There’s no room for innovation there; no room for growth as a writer. At least, not for me for the way I write. Maybe for others, the boundaries of a genre don’t at all feel like all any sort of inhibitor for the story they can and will write, and so for them it probably makes a lot of sense to look at those rules and follow them because it may give them some parameters to start with for the story they want to write. I’m not saying people are wrong for following those rules or expectations if it works well for them; they should do whatever is most comfortable for them, most accurate to their ideals or tendencies. There are probably some phenomenal books out there that very much follow the rules of the genre, that stay within the boundaries, because those stories fit the genre so perfectly. But n that scenario,the writer is still being true to the story, it’s just that the way of being true to that story naturally remains within the genre itself. They aren’t compromising their world or story or book to stay in the boxes; their story flourishes in that area and doesn’t need to expand beyond it; may even be detrimental if it did.

That works perfectly well for them so they should do what’s best for them. But for those who don’t naturally feel comfortable staying in boundaries, or whose stories don’t tend to remain confined to a singular genre, they shouldn’t change no matter what they’re told. We need that variation in stories, in writers, in worlds. When people say that a story needs to stay within this or that box because of this or that reason, maybe because not every book can be LOTR or ASOIAF/GOT, or whatever, yeah, that’s true. Not every book can. But those series are well known because they were not conventional. Not everyone can be GRRM, yeah. But GRRM is GRRM, and probably was told he couldn’t be Tolkien. And Tolkien was probably told he was crazy.

Most really famous writers will tell you that they were rejected repeatedly before their story was accepted, even if that story is now astoundingly popular or considered groundbreaking in some form.

That’s why I don’t think it’s wise to listen to “you can only do __” because if everyone only does the same thing, then how is there any innovation or variety?

I’m not saying there’s nothing of value by staying within boundaries–there could be incredibly interesting, or well written stories, or even really creative ones, staying within the bounds. But not everyone who stays within boundaries will always be able to remain unique from everyone else stuck in those same boundaries. Eventually, as a numbers game, it will come to a point where much of the stories become reflective of each other.

Sort of like how you can have canon, then all the fanfic writers start writing their stories and being inspired by each other and having a lot of fun coming up with details to fill in the blanks of their information–and everyone is so inspired by and informed about the other stories in their same field that little details start to reflect each other. And then soon those ideas become facts that become indistinguishable from canon, even though they are fanon. Now, everyone is reflecting the same false concept because everyone saw it so frequently that they came to view it as a rule rather than an idea. That doesn’t at all mean all those fanfics are bad; there can still be phenomenally written ones in that fandom. But it does mean that now everyone is playing the same cards in slightly different ways, because they forgot that they could move beyond them. And now, a character who  had blue eyes in canon suddenly has purple because it transitioned from blue to indigo to blue-purple to purple, and now we’re all calling them something they aren’t, because we all thought we had to follow the same set of data points in a situation that is meant to give a person freedom from those expectations. That is, until someone else comes along who says, “Hey, I looked at the canon again and noticed the character’s eyes are blue, so now I’m going to write a story divorced from the unspoken rules of fanon” and if their story has merit, if what they wanted to tell was a good story and done well, they become a new voice bringing new ideas and new life info a fandom that had accidentally, in its love and devotion for the originating source, found itself stuck in self-assigned boundaries of expectations and rules that didn’t need to be there.

That’s how I see the concept of having to only write by the rules. If it works for the story, then go for it. If it doesn’t work for the story, don’t compromise just to check off those boxes.

Readers respond to the truth of a story, whatever that truth may be. They will notice more if a story is stifled to fit rules than they will if a story expands beyond the rules it was given, in order to grow.

If you want a comparison — In the Company of Shadows is a story some people really like. But when Santino and I wrote it, we knew absolutely nothing about the m/m genre. We just wrote what we wrote because it made sense for the story, the world, the characters, and we released it on AFFN and eventually it made its way through word of mouth into the m/m genre reading community. There are a lot of aspects of ICoS that don’t fit the genre, and some things that probably are considered something you should not do. But those are the parts of ICoS that people seem to value the most. If we had gone into that story deciding that the only  way to write a m/m series was to first immerse ourselves in the genre, and write down all the rules, and then follow them completely, ICoS would not be the story it is. And in my opinion, it would not have resonated with a lot of the people it did resonate with, and so it would not have had the impact it’s had. There are stories in m/m that flourish in m/m and they don’t need to change. ICoS is not one of them.

I was told, years ago, by someone who had been a friend that she didn’t need to read ICoS to know it would be shit, because I had told her how we wrote what we wrote because it felt right, and we didn’t know anything about the genre, we didn’t follow any rules. Her perspective was that it couldn’t possibly be good if it didn’t. She felt that it was imperative to know those rules first, to follow the genre boundaries, because otherwise it wasn’t going to fit that genre and therefore wouldn’t be a good story. This woman was upset at the time she said these things, so it’s possible she didn’t 100% mean everything she said, but I do think she did fully believe that perspective and viewpoint. There may have been other reasons going into why she said these things, perhaps something she had been told for her own stories that became a source of frustration for her that found an outlet in our conversation. I don’t know. All I know is, I will never agree with the idea that the value of a story is solely in the rules it follows, rather than the story itself.

**When you think you’re completely finished, set it aside for a little bit and read it again. You’ll probably find more things you want to change. And if not, you’ll  have the satisfaction of work well done and finally finished. Maybe you’ll be able to see all the wonderful scenes you wrote more that way. I find that happens for me… I can be pretty down about what I write, but if I give myself enough time and go back and reread it from a fresh perspective, sometimes I surprise myself in reading scenes or interactions or wording. Sometimes I think that something I did was genuinely well done. It’s important to give myself that allowance, that acknowledgment, as much as it is to always remember that I will never write a perfect story, and I will never reach a point where I can’t improve.

But that can be part of the adventure. Where can you go next as a writer? The idea of getting better doesn’t have to be something negative, looking at all the things you did wrong and how you weren’t good enough the first time. In my darker days that’s how I see things, but it doesn’t have to be that way. It can be something incredibly positive. Look at how much I can still learn, look at how far I can still expand, look at all the growth I have available to me in my future. That’s amazing. That’s something that gives me an endless source of education–which will allow me to always and always reach out in new and improved ways, to forge new connections and strengthen those new and valuable understandings.

The book Incarnations was 20 years ago, back when I called it Calling of the Onyx, back when it had some of the same characters but was completely different, back when I was that 12-14 year old kid wanting to write a fantasy novel about a female main character navigating her world of magic, with her getting to be the savior instead of some random male character always taking charge–that book had potential, but it had a long way to go. I recognized that even then; knew it wasn’t as good as it could be, and that’s what made me stop before I finished it and  start over, then start over again and again as the years passed, as I gained new life experiences, as I got a broader understanding of the world, as I had new ideas on how to improve or change or mitigate what I already had written. Calling of the Onyx was a passable book. It probably would have been considered good or at least decent for a preteen kid to write. Incarnations is so much better. Whether or not people will like it when it’s out, inherently Incarnations is a major improvement because I learned so much more in my life in the process of getting to the point where I could write a cohesive story, and finish the book for the first time. Now it’s part of a series, now it’s part of something much larger than it would have been before. There is great value in what was Calling of the Onyx, in the ideas I had back then, and that value helped inform the story I wrote over the following 20 years. But if I had stopped at CotO, if I had told myself I had to play by those rules only, I would have lost out on a lot of what came next. I wouldn’t have added so much more to the world building that I did, I wouldn’t have expanded the character base so much, I wouldn’t have done a lot of things.

Incarnations being a better book doesn’t devalue CotO; it honors what it was, and expands it into something more, something new with a reflective nod to the past. That’s what you can do any time you edit a story; value the old while honoring the new; honoring the old while valuing the new. With that willingness to listen to your thoughts and your betas, you can find a version of the story that fits its world or context best, without losing what makes it unique or meaningful.

And now that I spent so much more time waxing poetic about editing, it’s probably way too much to go into examples of how I edit other peoples’ work. If that’s something anyone has interest in, let me know and I can find examples that won’t contain spoilers or privacy concerns, or show a way of editing my own work as if I were editing someone else’s.

I don’t know if anything I said in this long post is of use to anyone. I do have an inherent need to push back against rules that I see as labels that try to confine or define me in ways I don’t agree with, because that’s something that is sort of inherent to me as a person. As an asexual, as a lesbian, as someone who’s so often been on the outside of the “norm” in so many big and small ways, I react strongly to being told I have to be boxed in by other peoples’ expectations. That informs a lot of the way I write and read stories; I don’t want to feel stifled there any more than I want to feel stifled in my living, breathing life. I don’t mean to be rude to anyone who feels otherwise about the way they write or edit, and I am not at all saying they are doing anything wrong– if it’s right for them, then in fact it’s extremely right for them to do.

But if you are a person like me, a writer or a reader who feels the way I feel on these things, then maybe the way I look at editing or writing will help you. Because at the very least, you’ll know you aren’t alone.

If that resonates with you, you may find some of the other posts I’ve made in the past to be helpful, like Never regret you and the Equality of Differences. Or, you may find some peace or connection in perusing my about Ais tag on my blog as linked or here on tumblr -- or my personal category on my blog. Whatever you choose, I’m wishing you all the very best.

[nicemango-feed]

Qasim Rashid's Tasteless Independent Piece about Sex Abuse

I was appalled to see this article on Twitter the other day. I don't even have the words to express how tacky and distasteful this is.  As the far-right rises in the West, I find myself more interested in pushing back against that (since it's more of an urgent issue impacting our day to day existence here).....than constantly criticizing Islam in a climate where Muslims are singled out, generalized and targeted.  Nuanced and legitimate criticisms are lost anyway nowadays, to fear-mongering about Mooz-lums raping their way across the globe to secretly instill Shariah.  But then there comes a situation where you just have to rebut something as stupid and insensitive as the article above...with all you've got. Hopefully, my rebuttal won't get lost with ignorant takes like: "Islam is worse than Nazism" or "90% of Muslims are ticking time-bombs"... ..so here goes:   With all the overuse and false accusations of "Regressive Left" floating around atheist twitter, its hard for an actual left-leaning person to recall a time when this term had meaning and referred to an actual problem. Well, this article is a great reminder on how the left can utterly fail in the way it deals with the topic of Islam. I can't believe such an article was approved and put out by such a well known publication. What were they thinking? Who is making these decisions? I mean...they may come from the perspective that they're doing this to offset the increasing anti-muslim bigotry, to normalize Muslims in a political climate where they become dehumanized more and more each day....but they can't seem to comprehend that defending Muslims can be separated from championing Islam. Before seeing this one, I came across quite a few tasteless takes regarding the awful Weinstein scandal. It seemed everywhere I looked someone was hijacking it to further their own agenda. A few standard "Oh you think Weinstein is bad, but what about Islam...that's way worse!!" type takes from ex-muslims that I've become used to seeing....and cringing at. Oh you think the alt right/white nationalism/nazism is bad? What about ISLAM - it's way worse!!" It seems, that some are incapable of discussing anything other than that one topic (which makes it all the more off-putting for me). There's a time and a place....there's a way to acknowledge multiple problems without minimizing the suffering of Weinstein's victims. This isn't to say, of course that when the conversation is turned towards sexual abuse that we cannot also bring up other forms that people often let slide.... especially when religion gets a pass on everything. I saw some Saudi feminists bring up some important points about how migrant domestic workers are assaulted on an everyday basis in Saudi society by privileged Saudi men...who get away with it. But they didn't do the, "Oh you think Weinstein is bad? Well Saudi men can be WAY worse" thing....where they bring the other topic to light only by minimizing the harm that Weinstein did. That is the difference.....one that many 'but what about Islam' types don't understand. "Yes we have similar problems too which we need to discuss" is a whole lot different from "Oh, Pfft, this? It's nothing compared to the cause *I've* dedicated *my* life to. And you know what, no one's perfect we're all likely to fall into that trap accidentally sometimes... but the ones who have a distinct repeated pattern of constantly being unable to address any issue without the added, "but what about Islam/The left" have become incredibly unhelpful voices. ...Speaking of unhelpful and cringeworthy voices though..I have to say Qasim Rashid, the author of the Independent piece is one of the worst I've encountered on this issue. The 'but what about Islam' takes are bad, but fuck....using a sex scandal to spread religious propaganda, to *proselytize*.... is a whole new level of scummy. Not only is it scummy but he goes about it in the most dishonest way. Yes we should absolutely encourage liberal, progressive interpretations of Islam. I find it incredibly unhelpful when people hold every liberal muslim to an 'ISIS purity test', that basically no one passes...and therefore the only 'real' muslims are the extremists. That is not a good approach. But, when it comes to more progressive interpretations of religion there are those who acknowledge the plurality and plausibility of multiple interpretations. They admit that some verses are just not ok by today's values. People like Qasim however will argue that everyone else has it wrong... they've misinterpreted and HE somehow has the correct interpretation. They cherry pick without acknowledging they are cherry picking, unlike more honest reformists who openly say that cherry picking is the path forward. Like all the Abrahamic religions, obviously...Islam too is full of contradictory crap er...stuff. So naturally you can pick a bunch of things that sound alright, or you can pick a bunch of things that sound barbaric. But if you really want to look at the whole picture you can't ignore either...both anti-muslims and apologists for scripture like to ignore the aspect convenient to their narrative and push the other. "Islam is PURE EVIL" or "Islam is PERFECT and PEACEFUL and FEMINIST" .... there are some pretty vile, murderous, misogynistic, hateful things in there...certainly some of that is 'evil'....but there are some alright bits that are cherry picked by modern progressive muslims, which makes most of them peaceful. 'Perfect', it certainly is not...'feminist'...nope. Be wary of anyone claiming either of those. I mean its absurd on the face of it...morals from centuries ago are simply not going to work today. If you try to claim they are *perfect* for today, then you're endorsing or twisting some pretty awful shit. Anyway.... *Cracks knuckles* Lets get into it....this fuckin' article. What a crock of shit. "My advocacy is informed not just by the law, but by strategies detailed in Islamic teachings and Prophet Muhammad’s example to pre-empt sexual abuse." Almost spit my beverage all over my keyboard...thanks for that Qasim. Would Mo's example pre-empt sexual abuse here?

From Sahih Bukhari

Slavery too....if defined by scripture is permissible in Islam....and slaves were to accept that owners are allowed to sleep with them at will. As stated in Quran 33:50

Obviously this is not a practice any decent Muslim would endorse today, but if you want to go by Mo's example...then it's worth mentioning. It would be one thing to make some excuse about it being a different time....and the example not measuring up by today's values... but if you are going to literally say a sex slave owner's values are what can prevent sexual abuse....I'm going to have a thing or two to say. Yes such slavery predates Islam, and so continued under Islam...I am not a fan of people using archaic texts to define an entire diverse group by today. So no this is not for you far-righters who paint all muslims as pedophilic rapists. What about this strategy detailed in the Quran, 4:34

Does making men in charge, commanding women to be obedient, and giving permission to 'strike them' also pre-empt sexual abuse?

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I have to say I cringe a little while I'm picking out these verses to debunk this idiotic article, because I'm all too used to seeing how anti-muslims use these to dehumanize and generalize Muslims who may not even be aware of such verses. I know many like myself were taught curated versions of scripture. Religion is full of this kind of nonsense.... slavery, stoning babies, virgins...killing people who disobey...fathers ok-ing rape of their daughters for a few $$. Islam is certainly not alone in this, so think twice before painting Muslims with a broad brush. I cannot say that enough, especially in the Trumpian era.

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"Let’s start by understanding two facts. First, a woman’s attire, alcohol intake, marital status, and education level do not contribute to sexual abuse – abusive men do. Second, sexual abuse doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Every level of society – social norms, media, and Government – is complicit in promoting the rape culture that perpetuates sexual abuse." "Social norms demonise a woman for speaking out, victim-blaming her by asking what she was wearing, whether she gave signals inviting abuse, or asking why she didn’t speak up sooner." Very good Qasim...I'm glad you pointed out that a woman's attire doesn't matter. But the Quran (24:31) seems to disagree,

Here it tells believing women not to flaunt their assets, and even wrap a portion of their headscarves/outer garments over their chests. Clearly a woman's attire mattered to Allah, and therefore Mo quite a bit. (24:60) only postmenstrual woman are allowed to cast out their 'outer garments' even then being careful not to display any 'adornment':

So Qasim, when you talk about social norms demonizing a woman, victim-blaming her by asking her what she was wearing....perhaps look honestly at the things you yourself recommended to 'pre-empt' sexual abuse. Laughable really. Don't even get me started on the punishments Islam prescribes someone for adultery...so I'm pretty sure marital status matters too. You're right when you say every level of society can be complicit in promoting a culture that perpetuates abuse....but you conveniently miss out religion - old value systems that simply didn't classify abuse in the same way we do now. If you want to be a women's advocate, how about not preaching a misogynistic religion to them while they open up about their painful abuse experiences. "state laws only punish the actor once the act is completed, they don’t prevent the act in the first place. This scenario plays out repeatedly worldwide, whether we’re discussing “revenge porn”, gender based violence, or sexual harassment in the workplace.

This is where Islamic teachings and Prophet Muhammad’s example provide a solution that no state truly can. "

What the fuck, dude. What are you even trying to say here? While you're right that banning cat calling won't work, and that it isn't preventative... what's your solution? Islam and Mohammed? Are you for fucking real right now? Are you saying that being fearful of some god that would burn you for eternity and that following in the footsteps of a prophet who's example isn't known for his fair treatment of women, who owned slaves...and consummated with a child is what will prevent sex abuse better than modern man-made law?!  Right because religious people NEVER sexually abuse anyone....if only they had had access to the teachings if Islam and the example of Mo. It's embarrassing really, to even debunk this.

Read story here

"Yes, Islam implores accountability to the creator, but rather than preach empty dogmatic theories, Islam instead prescribes a proven secular model." What are you even on about? Accountability to the creator? How old are you... how well has that worked to prevent religious people from sexually abusing people or committing any crimes? Secular model? What? "Thus, the Quran 4:2 first establishes men and women as equal beings. Chapter 4:20 then forbids men from forcing a woman to act against her will, thereby ensuring women maintain autonomy and self-determination. " Now, just because theres some contradictory more benign seeming stuff in there... doesn't mean you can ignore the wife beating verse (4:34), where aside from the 'strike them' nastiness...it literally says this: "Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other" Or how about the women are your farmland... plough them however you like (just don't do anal tut tut) verse (2:223)?

I mean, I hate to put on my "let me point out all the awful verses in the Quran/Hadith" hat right now, because I know the alt/far-right loves that stuff and uses it to stir hatred for whole groups which include people like me and my family. But in the face of this tasteless absurdity, I cannot remain silent. I can only hope I put enough "I dislike anti-muslims" caveats in here that it prevents them from latching on to this particular piece. I'm not alone in feeling that my criticism of Islam is sort of stifled at the moment because it's too easily hijacked by bigots, anyone with a shred of decency is feeling that right now.

Anyway, back to this unfckingbelievably ridiculous piece. I honestly can't wrap my head around how awful it is..and what kind of person you'd have to be to write something like this, especially in the midst of a high profile hollywood sex scandal. "Here..... stop fussing about this sex scandal...and listen to all the good things about MY religion, one that has a bad reputation for it's treatment of women" ....Oh ok @ssh*le.  -___- Aaand it gets a whole lot worse than I imagined. Qasim actually links to a previous even more nauseating piece he did about THE WIFE BEATING VERSE FFS, where it's a bunch of the most pathetic and weak twisted apologetics for 4:34, and it's actually titled: "The Islamic Solution to *stop* Domestic Violence" [emphasis mine] I can't....I have to take a break.....I walk away from the computer, pour a drink, take a breath. Alright, I'm back...What was I saying? Oh yeah... His fucking *solution* is the verse that says men are in charge of women and you can strike them. THAT, to him is pre-empting domestic violence.. because by making men in charge it gives them some responsibilities and shit. He's thrilled it doesn't go straight to beating....this is a good thing apparently....An 'anger management strategy' - what the actual fuck is wrong with this guy and how is he allowed to pump this shit out in mainstream liberal publications like Huffpo and Independent?? And I quote, from the Huffpo piece, "Pre-emptive deterrence is the key. And this precisely is the wisdom behind verse 4:34 to decrease and stop violence against women. The verse in its totality describes a process of restraint, anger management and reformation." 'Wisdom' he says...About an infantilizing, abusive verse that clearly doesn't hold women in high regard. Just because it doesn't jump straight to the beating, it's a process of restraint. Fucking hell. "Employed effectively, these two steps help reconcile the vast majority of domestic disputes. Should the first two steps fail, however, the Quran allows — never commands — men to consider the third step, translated as “to chastise them.” Look, it *allows* --- it doesn't *command* you to 'chastise' your wife. (since the beating isn't compulsory...that makes it totally ok) Firstly Qasim, slick replacement of strike with 'chastise'. Secondly, obviously this is only for the rarest of times...for when the first two infantilizing and humiliating methods don't work on her (that totally excuses the fact that u can resort to ..you know... beating her) If the first two steps don't sort out your domestic dispute, it's because you didn't employ these perfect strategies 'effectively'.... Of course then his article delves into semantic bullshit about how the word for strike isn't actually that. Nothing I haven't heard before...but I haven't come across anyone with the audacity to argue they are progressive *and* suggest the wife beating verse as a goddamn *solution* to domestic violence. There are many Muslims who genuinely acknowledge that this verse is not palatable today....Qasim is not one of them. He would rather twist it to say it means the opposite of what it says in mainstream interpretations of the Quran. He'd rather appear dishonest in front of anyone who knows anything about Islam. This doesn't help Muslims, or their reputation...quite the opposite in fact. So I sincerely don't understand why left leaning publications put out stuff like this. All this does is breathe fire into anti-muslim movements. It energizes them, gives them something to rally around.

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Sorry I went off into a rabbit hole there for a bit, so enough about the horrid Huffpo piece, and back on to the horrid Independent one....where were we... "And when it comes to the Islamic concept of Hijab, it is men who are first commanded to never gawk at women, and instead guard their private parts and chastity, regardless of how women choose to dress – pre-empting sexual abuse." I just love how he selectively points to the male requirements for modesty, saying that it tells men to lower their gaze... but he completely skips over the modesty requirements for women. You know, what hijab is literally KNOWN for? Slut-shaming women into covering head to toe and holding them responsible for provoking lust....no mention of the double standards about what men are required to do vs women. Of course men are commanded first because the whole Quran refers only to men directly (with a couple of exceptions)...when it refers to women it is in third person or via men..."tell your women/wives" type stuff. The Quran isn't some great feminist book, it puts men first because it only talks to *them* directly. "Accordingly, the Prophet Muhammad by example demonstrated that the burden of modesty, respect, and combating abuse of women rests on men. Indeed, men must take the lead in stopping such sexual abuse." Oh COME ON, the guy who married a six year old and had slaves? I really hate to sound like a broken record here... but Qasim is being one, so I need to keep repeating the obvious. "After all, while the Quran obliges women to dress modestly as a covenant with God, Islam prescribes no punishment whatsoever for women who choose to dress otherwise." Oh yeah totally, it's just an afterthought that the Quran obliges women to dress modestly...nothing to do with placing the blame on them for enticing men. Oh and the Quran doesn't describe the details of Salaat/prayer either....so I guess that must not be Islamic either. Here's a verse specifically commanding the wives of the prophet to stay home and not display themselves if they want to be 'purified' (funny thing is, this is one of like 2 or so verses that directly address women, and it's to tell them to not put themselves on display! Imagine that.)

O wives of the Prophet, you are not like anyone among women. If you fear Allah, then do not be soft in speech [to men], lest he in whose heart is disease should covet, but speak with appropriate speech.

And abide in your houses and do not display yourselves as [was] the display of the former times of ignorance. And establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Allah intends only to remove from you the impurity [of sin], O people of the [Prophet's] household, and to purify you with [extensive] purification.

And 33:59 spells it out clearly, women of the believers....cover yourselves so you aren't abused.

Just because the book hasn't specifically prescribed a beating in *this* situation... (I mean... a lot could be covered under 'disobedient wives') - doesn't mean that the general climate of "stay at home, do not put yourselves on display... or else you won't be pure" crap isn't pressuring women with the threat of hellfire.

"women in Islam rise to the rank of legal scholars, warriors, entrepreneurs, and philanthropists while lovingly embracing identities as mothers and housewives.

Weinstein is a symptom of the greater disease of arrogance, unaccountability, societal apathy, and from men who knew of the abuse but did nothing. Islam and Prophet Muhammad provide a practical solution."

Oh ffs, a man who ok-ed wife beating and keeping them at home, married a child and thought women could be owned as slaves does NOT provide a practical solution to sexual abuse. You're an embarrassment Qasim. 

So shameless...

"Together, we can employ a proven Islamic model that will stop this madness, and re-invoke gender equity today in America, and the world."

Who is he preaching to? How did the Independent let this happen, this is like a lecture you'd hear at Islamic Sunday School....does no one understand that this kind of horrific dishonesty, easily debunked....does nothing to help muslims. 

It's a real shame this man gets a platform like this. I'll say again, who approved this and what were they thinking? Who is the audience they hoped to reach with "together lets employ an Islamic model to stop sexual abuse"? This is some bullshit 'religious right' propaganda....get it together Independent. 

I'm all out of facepalms. I think that's all I got for today. 

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