#and a lot of places offer jobs through the uni instead of putting them on market

[spaghett-onaplate]

oh yeah i went to a uni open day and allergies decided to pummel me in a rather quiet room with over a hundred other people during a law course presentation when i had ONE tissue that had previously been a bookmark. i only sneezed four times but my right eye and nostril could NOT stop watering i gave in and used my sleeve and it got absolutely soaked in snot 😭😭

[paintingraves]

AITA ? I (40M) bought a condo one of my friends (43F) wanted to buy with her boyfriend (36M) to get back at her for hurting my best friend's (50M) feelings.

This is a bit lengthy so bear with me.

I have a prestigious job in the medical field and I am head of department in my specialty. I met my best friend (G) years ago when he bailed me out of jail (another long story). We work in the same place, under the supervision of our boss (C) who is also a close friend of mine.

Now G and C have a bit of a history. They met in medical school, from what I know they shared a night together, but G was kicked out of uni so it never became more than that, until they found each other again years later and she offered him his current job. They are always flirting, always pushing each other's buttons, and they are clearly very attracted to one another, but a lot of things prevent them from acting on it.

First, their respective positions - she's our boss - and also the fact that my best friend is, to put it plainly, an asshole who avoids emotions and vulnerability like the plague. Given his history, it makes sense, but he's never tried to work on himself, instead preferring to hide behind drugs, booze, and, lately, prostitutes. So he wasn't exactly relationship material, but things changed last year.

First, they got closer. In a very emotional moment that I won't disclose here, G ended up at her place and they kissed. They immediately agreed to pretend like it never happened, despite the fact that they clearly both have strong feelings for each other.

Next, G's drug addiction got worse. Much, much worse, to the point where he hallucinated an entire night where he went through detox in her company, then they had sex, and she left early the next morning. Yes, I wish I was making this up. He was weird the next day, and he ended up shouting for the entire hospital to hear that they slept together. She got understandably extremely mad at him for putting her reputation at work at stake in such a humiliating way. That's when he realised how bad things had gotten. He came to me, and with my help, he went into rehab.

He spent a few months there. When he came back, he'd changed. Not radically, but he was off the drugs, he was seeing a therapist regularly, and he seemed genuinely commited to working on himself and trying to be a better man, to lead a better life. In his own words, he was "tired of being miserable." He moved in with me at the advice of his therapist, and he tried to distance himself from work for a while. He quit, he tried other activities, but eventually he came back because he loves this job.

I could see he was also still interested in C, but she was very guarded. I encouraged him to try to show that he'd changed, because he had, and I knew she also had feelings for him. But things came to a head when we went to a medical conference she also attended. The reason she was so distant with him was also because, as it turned out, she got into a new, serious relationship while he was away, with a man (L) who used to be G's friend. Obviously, it was a blow for G. And for me as well, because I didn't know about this, or I wouldn't have encouraged G to pursue it.

Anyway, life went on, and after a while C started talking to me about buying a condo and moving in with L. I was still a little put out by her behaviour towards G. She called my ex-wife, who happens to work in real estate, and found "the condo of her dreams".

So I called my ex-wife, visited the condo with G, and impulsively decided to buy it before she could.

We'll be moving in shortly with G. He seems happy, and I'm happy to be doing this for him. Hopefully he can move on, and it may teach her a lesson.

So, Reddit, AITA ?

Edit, in answer to a few comments:

- Yes, we met when he bailed me out of jail. I was going through a rough patch and ended up doing something stupid that got me arrested. He bailed me, a perfect stranger, out of jail because he said I was "the most interesting person around." We've been best friends ever since.

- The price for the condo was around 250,000$. I paid 3/4th of it using most of my savings, and I don't regret it one bit. He paid what was left, in an exceptionally generous display (for him).

- L was a private investigator G hired to spy on me (long story) at a time where I wanted to get away from him. They became sort of friends, but we hadn't heard from him in a long time before finding out he was in a relationship with C.

- C cares for him, but she is also at a spot in her life where she wants stability. She is a single mother with a daughter to care for, and she wants to be with a man whom she can rely on. What with G's history, I can't blame her for not acting on her feelings.

It doesn't mean I can't be mad at her for hurting him, though.

Edit 2:

Yes, G and I are close. He's the only person who truly gets me and doesn't put up with my bullshit. He's the worst and the best friend I've ever had.

Edit 3:

Stop asking me if I'm in love with my best friend. We're both straight, we've both been in very commited, serious relationships with women. He doesn't see me that way, no matter how many gay jokes he makes.

Edit 4:

C found out someone had bought her dream condo, and was pretty mad. I won't lie, I acted all chagrined on her behalf but I feel pretty damn good about it.

[myhoneststudyblr]

I often get asked for tips on various aspects of creating a studyblr and then how to grow it! It can be really daunting before you start if you don’t know how to go about it or what to post - I remember really wanting to create one for months before I actually built up the courage to make one.

This post is hopefully going to make this easier for you and give you the tips you need to get the best out of your blog!

Disclaimer: this is quite long! i wanted to make it as detailed as possible and it kinda got away from me XD

What is a studyblr?

study + tumblr = studyblr

A studyblr is a tumblr blog that posts anything associated with studying.

These blogs are part of the ‘studyblr community’, which is an online community of students who share their love for studying, stationery and their current lessons and study tips.

Why should you create a studyblr?

There are honestly so many reasons why i think that studyblrs are an amazing thing and why i can’t see myself leaving this community any time soon! here are some of my personal experiences:

1. i want to study! i have always been a very conscientious student and i have always worked very hard but i’m going to be completely honest with you and say that a lot of the time, particularly as i’ve been getting older, it has been a real struggle to get the motivation to do work. since i’ve started my studyblr, i’ve noticed a real increase in my desire to work because i want to have new things to post and talk about. it acts as a sort of outside external motivator!

2. my studying has got more interesting! when i say this, i don't mean the content. i’ve learnt so many new techniques and ways to organise my work that each set of notes that i do is different and i don’t feel like i’m doing the same thing every day!

3. my notes and handwriting have got neater! if you follow me, you might have seen a post from me a while back where i talked about my insecurity about my handwriting because i was *always* the person with the messy handwriting™. unfortunately, i am a perfectionist and i really wanted to have neat handwriting and notes. so my studyblr - because i wanted my posts to look good - made me spend more time focusing on the appearance of my notes and forcing me to slow down (this had been my main problem). now i can see a huge difference and i’ve reached a place where, even though my handwriting will never be the perfect font-like handwriting, it is noticeably neater and more consistent and i now love my pretty and unique handwriting

4. incredible advice about everything studying related! no matter where you are from, or what you study, it is possible to find advice about something that is relevant to you! people in studyblr are going through or have gone through everything you have and they give incredible advice on some many different things, from college applications and how to study a certain subject, to book recommendations and notetaking tips. but there are also plenty of tips on lifestyle and self-care, which are invaluable. even if you can’t find a post that helps you, you can always send someone an ask or a message and they’ll always try to help you out!

5. my mental health has got better and the community has helped me through so tough times! being a student today is hard and keeping your mental health in a good place can seem even harder. but i personally have found the studyblr community really helpful with this because i don’t feel so i alone. i know that there are so many mutuals and blogs that i follow that are going through similar things and i know i could always reach out to them for anything. i’ve also become less hard on myself and give myself significantly less impossible goals since i started studyblr

6. you will meet some incredible people. this was something that i wasn’t really expecting because when i started my blog i thought i would get 100 followers *max*. instead, i have been completely embraced by the community and have had some amazing conversations with people i know genuinely consider to be my friends. it is so easy to meet like-minded people who just want to support each other!

these are just the most important benefits that I've experienced with my own studyblr journey and there are so many more!!!

The 5 Basic First Steps

1. create a blog

if you are seeing this post i assume that you already have a blog! maybe you don't but luckily for you its very easy to create one. the main think you need to think about is whether you want to create a primary or secondary blog! you can find the differences between these here!

2. choose a URL/blog name

your username can be pretty much anything and can be a good way to show your personality, your likes or dislikes, or your goal for your studyblr! you can get really creative with your username and though most are, it doesn't have to be study/studyblr related.

here’s are some ideas that you could use when coming up with a username:

Your name or nickname

Favourite subject or your degree

Your dream job

Role models or fictional characters

Stationery

Brand names

Study utilities

Your favourite study snacks

COFFEE (this is very popular with many studyblrs... i wonder why?)

Your favourite animal

Basically, it can be anything! and don’t worry, if you decide later that you don’t like the name or you come up with soemthing better, you can always change it

3. choose a theme

this can seem like a very daunting task if you are completely new to tumblr but don’t worry! there are plenty of options and you can play around with this until you get what you want!

mobile theme: this is usually just changing the colours to fit with what you like and the mood of your blog

desktop theme: this is where it gets interesting! your desktop blog usually looks much more unique compared to mobile and you can add various different pages and really get it to look professional. there are so many different incredible themes that you can find that are free to use and can be customised slightly to fit your blog (there are also paid themes). you can also make your own theme (but i know nothing about this so i can’t really offer advice for that!)

4. find an avatar/icon

i personally think icons are really important because they can often be how people begin to recognise your blog when they see it on their dashboard and it can be a glimpse into what people expect

you can just use a normal picture for this: for example of your notes or something that relates to your URL or blog (eg a coffee cup)

however, you can also make your own from scratch! you can create your own icon using applications like Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Illustrator, Canva or Word/Pages. i personally used canva to make my icon (as well as all my banners for posts) and it is really easy to use and best of all is free! there are also people who have made icons for you to use (as long as you give credit) or will make them for you (sometimes for a small fee)

5. find some studyblrs to follow

this is probably the easiest step! if you know about studyblr, you probably already know a few blogs! just go through their blogs and see who they reblog or you can search through the #studyblr tag. i am also always happy to give recommendations of my favourites blogs (of which there are too many to count) or can try to recommend blogs that i know who study the same thing as you/are at the same level of study or are from the same country

Introduction Posts

i am a big believer in studyblr introduction posts! i think they are the best way to meet people when you are just starting and are the way that you get people to notice and interact with your blog.

what should you put in a studyblr introduction post?

your name or a nickname so people know what to call you

your pronouns

where you are from

your age

what you study

what level of study are you at (high school, uni etc.)

your hobbies and passions

why you made your studyblrs

what your goals are

tag some of your studyblr inspirations! (this is quite important because they will probably reblog the post and more people can discover your blog

these are just some suggestions and you don't have to include all of them if you are comfortable with sharing certain things!

if you want some examples of these posts, have a look through the #studyblr introduction tag! on my blog you can find that here!

What to Post

the beauty of studyblr is that you can pretty much post whatever you want and you will find a place in the community!

i love reblogging posts that come on my dashboard that i love or stuff from my mutuals! however, it is also really important to post your own original content because this allows people to get to know you and is probably the best way to grow your blog!

here are some ideas for what to post:

pictures of your notes

pictures of your current book

pictures of your annotations

pictures of your desk/study space

pictures of your food/ study snack

pictures of your drink/coffee

pictures of your favourite cafe

pictures of nature

pictures of your handwriting

text posts about something funny that happened in school/class/uni/your life

text posts about what is going on in your life

text posts about what is on your mind

texts posts where you share your journey completing a particular goal

text posts where you share your plan for the day

study guides

advice posts

self-care and lifestyle tips

essentially, it is whatever you want and whatever works for you!

When to Post

you should post whenever works for you! i know for a lot of people (myself included) most of the time you do not have time to post every day because that is a big commitment and that is absolutely ok!

when i first started, i thought that i had to post every day and it was a lot fo pressure! it was basically impossible to keep up because not only was it taking up a decent amount of my evening editing and posting my notes but also i didn't actually have enough material available to post! a studyblr should never get in the way of your schoolwork so try to fit it around this! post when you have time!

if you do want to have a more consistent posting schedule, there is a feature that allows you to schedule posts! so, say you have a bunch of free time on the weekend, you could schedule all the posts for the week ahead of time!

i would also recommend building up a queue for reblogs because this means that you again have some consistency in posts and you have new stuff quite regularly! (i personally always have a huge queue)

How to Grow Your Studyblr

the main thing i want to stay is that you should not be too worried about how many followers you have or how many notes your posts get because it really is unpredictable! i’ve had posts that have got crazy amounts of notes and i literally expected them to get hardly any and vice versa! i have no idea how the tumblr algorithm works so you just have to try and post for yourself!

that said, i know that it is really nice to have people interact and appreciate your posts so here are 3 quick tips:

use popular studyblr tags. these include #studyblr, #notes, #studyspo. you could also tag the stationery that you used, what subject it is and what level you at are (eg #high school or #uni)

tag other studyblrs. many studyblrs track certain tags and if you want them to see what you've posted and they will often reblog your post! i personally track the tag #myhoneststudyblr. you can find a post i made a while ago with some studyblr’s and their tags here! (note: this may be slightly out of date)

try and have a relatively consistent ‘look’ to your posts. you don’t have to follow a specific aesthetic but having some consistency in your posts can help people recognise your stuff. i personally keep my pictures of my notes very clutter-free (often just the notes and the pen i used) and bright. however, you can definitely switch things up if you want!

How to Get Involved in the Community

There are so many different ways that you can do this! Here are some of the best ways in my opinion!

send asks and messages to people!

i highly recommend sending asks to people, for example, if they reblog an ask game post or even just asking for some advice because they will start to recognise you as someone who is engaged with their blog and you could also learn something new about one of your favourite studyblrs!

messages are also a great, slightly more personal, way to interact with people. it can be as simple as messaging people to tell them you love their blog, or again asking them for some advice. if they do a post about a test or exam that they have coming up, you could even message them good luck or ask how it went. i have had some amazing conversations with people through messages and it is a great way to meet new people

just a reminder: always be respectful and polite in messages and asks to ensure that the community remains positive

reblog posts with a comment on their posts!

(or just add a comment, although this could be confusing if your studyblr is a side blog so just be warned)

this is a really nice way to let people know you’ve seen their post and it is always nice to give feedback. a comment can be as simple as: i love your handwriting! or good luck in that test! but that simple message reaching out it so nice to get! also, reblogging is really helpful to blogs because it means more people see the post

join a challenge!

ok, so i’ve had this blog for about a year and a half now and i had a pretty decent amount of followers (which i seriously do not understand XD) but i never got the same amount of interaction and involvement in the studyblr community until i created my #2020 quarantine challenge (click here if you wanna find out about this). i would get reblogs and likes on posts but i don’t think that i used to get nearly as much interaction with my posts with people leaving comments and stuff. furthermore, although i had blogs where we were technically mutuals, i didn’t really have mutuals like i do know where we actively keep in touch and check out each other’s posts all the time and stuff and that is honestly the nicest thing

challenges mean that you are most likely posting every day (or at the very least pretty regularly if you cannot manage every day) and this is good because you post lots of new content for people to discover. another great thing is that there is usually a tag that you can search for and scroll through and find others who are doing the challenge alongside you. the person who created the challenge also probably checks the tag out every few days and reblogs the posts

for these reasons, i cannot highlight how amazing challenges are for interaction and getting involved in the community!

The Golden Rule of Studyblr

🚨 ALWAYS BE POLITE AND FRIENDLY 🚨

probably my favourite thing about the studyblr community - and i know many others share this opinion - is that is such a friendly and welcoming place. it of course has its problems but this is a place whose ultimate aim is to support each other through our studying journeys! we are all here because we wanted to find likeminded people who we can make friends with and share our lives! therefore it is really important that we always try and lift each other up because you never know what someone is going through

Summary

there are lots of benefits to starting a studyblr so you definitely should!

it’s good to make your blog look nice and clean!

studyblr introductions are very important to start your blog off!

post what you like when you like!

tagging can be a great way to grow your blog!

don't focus too much on the number of notes you get or how many followers you have!

send asks and messaging, reblogging and commenting on other people’s posts and joining challenges are all great ways to get involved in the community!

we are all here to support one another so always be polite and friendly!

Other Resources

From Me

here is an answer to an ask i received about starting a studyblr (here is another one)

here is an answer to an ask i received about editing photos

From others

A Beginner’s Guide to Starting a Studyblr by @eintsein​

12 Step Guide to Starting and Running a Studyblr by @emmastudies​

How to Start a Studyblr by @caffeineandcoding​

Advice for New Studyblrs by @studyquill​

Starting a Studygram by @studyrellablr​ (many of the tips are the same for studyblr)

I hope this was helpful to any new studyblrs and even existing ones! As always i am always happy to answer asks and messages about and give any advice! If anyone else has any tips or tricks, please add them below!!!

[letsdiscoverkitty]

"Life" Update - May 2021

This is the last of the three updates I have to post at the moment. If anyone actually reads these, especially in one go, you really do deserve a medal and I have no idea what I have done to deserve your kindness and support but THANK YOU SO MUCH (to all of you who are here, you are all truly wonderful and amazing) Okay, let's get going....

I suppose the title is a bit, well, overkill. To say that anyone has been had any sort of "life" over the past year would be a huge misuse of the word. The global pandemic has, quite literally, turned life upside down for the vast majority of people and I know that lockdowns, especially in the UK, have meant that anything other than what was deemed "essential" has been off the cards, which has hit us all hard.

I personally found it quite difficult whilst I was in hospital as although on the one hand it was good to know that there wasn't much that you were missing out on whilst locked on a ward with 15 minutes fresh air (if you were lucky), it did make it hard to find/hold onto motivation at times. Coupled with the fear of how my dad's condition would progress, whether he would make it and what sort of home life I would be going back to; the world suddenly felt even noisier than it had before (which I didn't think was really possible). The situation seemed to further heighten my fears as well as add to them. I found my mind was swamped with so many questions and fears, to then be asked about my future/what I wanted to do with my life (that classic question) and what my motivations were to get better, was too much. I fell blank.

I had completely lost myself and any shed of hope that was left inside of me. I tried to put on a smile; paint a different picture to the outside world but inside I was dark. I was hollow. I was empty.

What was the point? You never know what is waiting around the corner; everything can turn upside down overnight. What kind of 'life' would there be going back to anyway? Would it be possible to go to University anymore or would there still be multiple restrictions in place? would that make the huge financial costs worth it? What sort of society will we be coming out of the pandemic anyway? Will we even come out of this? Will people ever go back to offices again? Will we be able to see friends soon or go out to places? What about travelling? Fun? LIFE?

I found depression swamped me more than ever after dad's accident. I was trying to hold myself together for mum but I was losing all hope of anything ever being 'the same' or 'okay' again. In the end, the only reason I accepted the admission was for mum - I wanted to be able to support her with dad in hospital and us not know what the future held; as much as I wished I could be there all the time, I knew in the state I was that I couldn't. Initially I was told the admission would be a short one, that I could then go back home to support my mum through the family trauma...but that 4 weeks soon turned into over 8 months, which I still can't believe.

Gosh, I am sorry, I seem to have got a little distracted. This was meant to be the POSITIVE update. So let's get to those bits...

NEWS ONE: I HAVE A JOB (starting in Sept)

So whilst in hospital my consultant kept trying to get me to think about what I wanted to do with my life (just the small questions you know *lol*) - in her eyes she thought it would be risky to go back to University to do neuroscience/a degree so intense, and that instead I should think about doing something more creative, taking small steps to get a part time job and then go from there - which, as much as I hated to admit, I agreed with. However after one particularly bad run-in with the nutritionist when she decided to tell me that she didn't think I could achieve a life beyond Anorexia (it must have been mid-way-ish through my admission) blah blah blah (I get that she could have been trying to motivate me but there is a way to go about it and then there are ways to really not go about it and she chose the latter). Anyway, I was rather angry/mad and ended up doing basically trying to prove everyone wrong and started doing some research into my different options...

Long story short: I ended up applying to a degree apprenticeship scheme in business management...I've never really considered something like this before, perhaps partially because at school they drilled into me that business was a "soft" subject as it would not be looked upon very highly for Oxbridge applications *rolls eyes*. Thankfully I did a lot of research into Degree Apprenticeships a few years ago so I knew where to look online. Anyway, back to this application. I ended up going through the process/tests, somehow managing to make it through the initial online stages, then just before I was discharged I was invited to a online interview!

I only had a few days to do the interview before it timed out so I actually ended up doing it In the end the day after I was discharged (not ideal) and I was convinced that I had messed it up as it was one of those ones where you get shown the question for around 30 seconds before being given 2 minutes to respond - i.e. stress.pressure.anxiety.stumbling over words. HORRENDOUS.

I somehow passed the interview and the reviews before being invited to an online assessment centre in Feb, which spanned a whole day and included multiple interviews (the first was a strengths based interview with 2 interviewers for just over an hour - yuck!!!) as well as a presentation which we were given 24hrs in advance to prepare for (we were given 4 'topics'/questions and had to answer all of them in a 15 minute window using aids if we chose to, again to 2 (different) interviewers before having a 45 minute further interview - double yuck!)

Dare I say that I actually enjoyed the preparation for the presentation and the interviews?! It was so nice to have a focus and something to be working on that I was actually really beginning to connect with/want/see myself doing. The interviews and presentation themselves? HORRIBLE but the process reignited something within me. After the assessment centre day we were told it could be 7-10 working days to hear back from them - waiting for anything like this is just the worst so I wasn't looking forward to it and tried not to get my hopes up as these schemes are ridiculously hard to get into... Well, I got the call the next day saying that they were so impressed and out of something like 14,000 applications, I was offered one of the spaces on the scheme!! - I honestly still can't believe it and imposter syndrome is v real -

I know at the beginning of this I sounded very blase about the whole thing but as I progressed through the process, as I read more about the scheme and the business and what it would entail, the more I began to get excited. The more I realised how interesting it was and what an amazing opportunity it would be for me.

Despite this, I was also at the time, finishing up yet another an application to University (for the millionth time, I swear I must be a pro at these personal statements by now) this time for psychology and behavioural studies. This was before I got the offer of the degree apprenticeship scheme, which I knew was a long shot with only a handful of places given for thousands of applicants, so I felt I had to keep my options open (Neuro is still an area of fascination to me but not so much with the INTENSE LEVEL of physiology and pharmacology that I was doing at Bristol. Yes bits of it were good and interesting but that degree was ridiculous and, again, I felt far more drawn towards the behavioural studies and psychology when researching into Universities). I ended up getting 3 offers, 1 interview for Cambridge and 1 rejection (ironically from Bristol, even with my recommendation/support being from my previous personal tutor at Bristol!) - so I suddenly had options. And then the offer from the degree apprenticeship came through and there were even more options to choose from.

It honestly felt so surreal (and still does).

In the end, after a lot of thinking and debating and researching and talking, I decided to withdraw my University application and I accepted the degree apprenticeship role. Overall it is such an incredible opportunity that I knew I couldn't turn down, whereas University will always be there. I am actually getting a little excited about it (as well as extremely nervous, but I must say that the company has made a really positive/good impression thus far, even as far as creating MH podcasts with a psychologist for us and offering things like zoom baking sessions!).

So what is this degree apprenticeship? In short, it is a 3 year course during which I will have a Monday to Friday job at the company (for which the office is actually commutable from home - it is about 1hrs drive, which is not the best but it does mean that I can stay at home for at least the first year and there is a train I could get if I was too tired to do the drive all the time. As much as staying at home is not my long term plan it might help with the transition back to work/education to have a bit of stability and the support). During the first 2 years at the company we do four separate 6 month rotations in different areas to get lots of experience (marketing, supply chain, sales etc) whilst in the final year you get to put in a preference for where you would like to work for the year long placement. During this, every 6 or 7 weeks, we have to spend a week at University (which is not in commutable distance at all so the the company pays for our accommodation, travel and food during this time). As far as I have been told, we also get time during the working week allocated to do Uni work as well as our standard 'desk' jobs. Oh and not to mention one of the biggest sellers for degree apprenticeships....the company is basically sponsoring you so pays ALL of your tuition fees PLUS a basic salary! This means that you come out, in this case, with a Chartered business management degree, 3 years of hands-on work experience, as well as you being pretty much guaranteed a job within the company AND no student debt!!! How incredible is that? PLUS one big perk of the job is that they allow dogs in the office - I mean how could I say no to that?!!!!

So yes, by some magical miracle I actually have a job lined up for September! It still doesn't feel real and I am yet to fully process it. They don't know how it will be affected by COVID but the company did continue the programme last year (unlike some that postponed) so fingers crossed all should be going ahead. I have 'met' the other 4(?) who are on the scheme at my office as well and they seem lovely (including one other person who is my age/slightly older - which was such a relief as I was worried about it being only people just out of college).

I realise that it is going to be tough, I do not underestimate that at all, but I couldn't let anorexia still yet ANOTHER life milestone and opportunity away from me. There was a lot of questioning as to whether I should take it or not; I went back and forth between many spreadsheets that I made but I think this opportunity far outweighs going back to University. I have tried that route twice already and had to leave because of everything/haven't really coped (I think in some ways, being at Uni there is TOO MUCH free time and it allowed my perfectionism to run riot as I always felt like I was 'behind' in one way or another?). And that is not to mention that if I was going back to University, I would need to spend another 3-4 years studying, I would leave with little work experience or job in mind at the age of 29/30 with a mountain of debt.... And as I said before, I can always go back to University if I want to in the future/re train if I decide to, but this opportunity with a global company, well, this will never ever come my way again.

So yes that is my BIG BIG news. But I also have one more bit of news....

I'm getting a kitten. Yes, A KITTEN!!!!! I have so much more to say on this but for now you will have to wait and see. Photos will come when SHE does (a couple of weeks now)!!!

[athena-is-a-chaotic-lil-shit]

Of Ice and Blood

Part 6

Part 6~ cuz I love y'all <3 don't forget to drink your vitamins and keep hydrated! Stay safe and healthy my loves :)

Word count: 3k+ words

Pairing: Tai'chi Kashharzol (Orc) x Pearl Blackbell (Human OC/Reader)

Warnings: None. (tis a fluff-filled chapter)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

* beware of little shifts in perspective from two characters, we will be jumping casually from their minds.

*

You caught the orc staring at you again, with a smile that made his tusks jut out more. "H-Hi!" you blurted out, waving.

As you began walking towards him, you found yourself losing balance, your legs giving out. You closed your eyes reflexively and expected to land face-first on the tiled floor.

Only you didn't.

You felt a strong arm around your waist and a large hand on your back, nearly covering the expanse of it. Instead of the floor, you found yourself smushed against something warm, and that thing, you figured out a second later, was Tai'chi's chest. You became flustered and felt your cheeks and ears redden. Your nose was practically inhaling his scent now, all that musky and rich smell of his making you light-headed. Stuttering, you pulled your head back.

"I-I-I— Ta-Tai'chi???"

Congratulations self, that was perfect, wow.

"Hm? Oh, uh, sorry. I acted on impulse when I saw you collapse." He said as the grip he had on you slackened and moved to hold your shoulder to support you in case you fall again, his other hand, though, remained in its place behind you.

"Don't w-worry about it. My legs just gave out, haha."

That came out awkwardly.

Damn, he is fast.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked, his words filled with genuine concern. Your ears were sporting a tinge of red, he noticed. Your scent also changed, signaling you were flustered.

"Ye-yep! We should uh, head back to class now. Oh! We haven't eaten anything for lunch." You said and as if on cue, your stomach grumbled to agree, followed by another grumble but louder, it wasn't yours but Tai'chi's.

The two of you laughed from the sounds they made.

"You're right. How about we go to the cafeteria first to grab something before we head back to our classroom?" He asked, smiling down at you.

"Great idea!" You agreed, a little too eager than you would've liked.

"We should get going then."

He straightened up and removed his hand from your shoulder when he was certain you wouldn't stumble again. Though, he let his hand on your back linger a bit longer even after you left the office.

**************************************

The trip to the cafeteria was peaceful, minus the sounds of muffled talking coming from the rooms. Tai'chi was beside you as you walked down the halls, thankful that your legs found their strength again.

Arriving at the significantly less crowded canteen, both of you went ahead and ordered some food before finding a place to eat. Spotting a vacant one a few tables from the main entrance, you trudged to it, Tai'chi following close. You sat down and got a clearer look at his tray.

It was a lot, though you expected it to be. There were more vegetables than meat though.

"Not a fan of meat?"

He looked at you and laughed, echoing through the whole cafeteria, which resulted in some students glancing in your direction.

You were a bit taken aback, not expecting that sort of reaction from him.

"I'm sorry. I just- I don't know why I found it funny. I meant no offense."

"None taken."

"To answer you, I'm a huge fan of meat, red meat to be exact. This was the only portion that's left when I asked for more. And I'm still growing so I made up for the lack of meat with the vegetables. We orcs love a healthy and hearty meal."

What he said made you smile even more.

"What about you?" He glanced at your tray to see a portion almost similar to his albeit more assorted. This made him look back up and you, flabbergasted. "You can eat all of that?"

You looked down to inspect your food choice, and you instantly felt self-conscious.

"I...Uhm yes. I can." You replied, albeit meekly.

Tai'chi noticed the sudden change in your voice and made himself clear; "No, no I didn't mean it like that. I'm just, well, as you already know I haven't met many humans aside from the ones in a village back home, so I was just surprised." Watching him explain himself made you smile again. The thought of you being repulsive vanished out into thin air.

"I eat a lot. Though sometimes I eat more junk than healthy food. Anyways, let's begin, shall we? We're already late and I'm starving!" Laughing, you both know today's attendance in class isn't much of an issue. They did say there won't be any lessons today to give time for 'socializing' instead.

You stopped in your tracks when you realized you haven't shown him your face ever since you met. You looked around to see if anyone was watching and stole glances at the one in front of you. You slowly removed your mask and revealed your face. Not many have seen you without it, only those who are close to you, specifically your family.

"I guess this is the first time you've seen my face, huh?" Nervous, you asked.

Tai'chi stared at you so intensely you felt self-conscious once again. "I-Is there something wrong?"

'Shit, does he find me unattractive? Weird? Not that I expected the opposite but —'

"No. No, there's nothing wrong. You-"

"I'm what?"

"You're beautiful."

'Did he just—'

Your face heated up again and this time you had no mask to hide it.

Hastily, you covered your face with one hand and looked away.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when you did, coughing into his fist before he started eating.

Once you cooled down, you did the same. Trying to focus on the savory food they served in the uni.

Eat, damn it.

You barely noticed the orc, or perhaps you chose not to, as you wolf down your food like you haven't eaten for weeks. Another thing he found admirable and attractive. You ate cleanly, not letting a single piece of food go to waste.

He'll have to find some time later to formally introduce himself, along with other...things.

***********************************

You leaned back on your chair, noticing Tai'chi doing the same, as you let the feeling of content wash over yourselves. The food was great! You made a note to thank the cook later.

You sat up after a moment and arranged your dirty utensils. You were against the thought of making the cafeteria's job of cleaning harder than it is. So you cleaned up, stacked plates properly in your tray with concentration, you didn't realize until later that you did the same to his dishes. You didn't spare a peek up into his eyes or else you'd make a fool out of yourself again. Taking a napkin, you wiped your mouth clean before you quickly put on your mask, much to Tai'chi's dismay.

You stood up but before you could walk away, a hand reached out to grab your arm, stopping you. He stood up from his seat.

"Pearl."

"Uh, yes?"

"There's still time before our next class starts. Would you mind taking a stroll around the campus with me?"

"Y-Yeah— sure. I wouldn't mind." You replied, avoiding his gaze.

The two of you strolled around the quiet grounds of the campus. There were trees, younger than the ones in the forest. You took in the nice scenery before you, feeling the fresh, cool air, the gentle rustling of leaves, calming, and the scent of your companion to your left, relaxing and sweet. You were in a daze, barely paying attention when Tai'chi said your name and stood still.

"Hmm?"

He chuckled lightly at your response.

"I want to continue where we left off in the forest."

"Oh. Oh, of course."

"I want to know more about you, Pearl. So I'll start with my true name." He knelt down which startled you momentarily.

.

"I am Tai'chi Kashharzol, eldest of five siblings, son of Durog and Gala. I come from the Northern stronghold of clan Fatof'san. Before I came down to the city, I was trained and taught basic socialization by an old human who lived in the village under our protection.

"I went through one of my clan's traditions and hunted down my first Snow Bear. The elders gave me an honorary title to carry, right after my kill."

You stood there listening to him earnestly as he told you all of this with pride, taking in each word and committing them into memory.

"I was given the name, 'Frostbreaker'. It is my warrior name." He took a breath before he asked. "Will you honor me of becoming my friend?"

All of this sounds like a confession— technically it is but there's something, intimate about it. The way his eyes shone with such determination and something you can't figure out.

Should I ask? He stopped talking, snap out of it–

"Oh, wow. I mean yes! Yes I'll be your friend. I'd be more than happy to. The honor is mine!"

You beamed as he returned a toothy grin.

"Right. I should also say something like that, well, uh, wait." You were slightly nervous as you removed your mask, offering a shy smile before speaking.

Breathe in.

And out.

"I am Pearl Blackbell, only child and daughter of Leon and Athena Blackbell. I'm from a town, West of here, Red Springs is its name. My parents taught me martial arts, and, uh, the use of self-defense weapons." You paused and showed him your crimson knuckles. "This is my favorite one to use, I'm sure you noticed already. My father... didn't want me to leave home without any assurance that I can defend myself. You were right when you said I have experience in combat. A decent amount of it," you sighed.

"I always, almost every day, get into trouble standing up for someone, bullied, or abused. I also held my own when someone tries to harass me, smashing their faces in."

Tai'chi in turn listened closely, his gaze intense on you. He was concerned about what you implied. Many attempted to assault you? How many times? Did they hurt you? Your smile faltered as you told him the next things about yourself.

"I... didn't have friends as I grew up. People tend to be afraid of what they do not understand, y'know? They didn't want me near them, finding me weird for wearing a mask, plus my reputation for punching humans didn't help," you laughed self-deprecatingly. "So I spent my whole high school years training, mastering my art with the help of my father, who was of course, very strict and hard on me." Finding nothing else comfortable to say at this stage, you went quiet.

"Can I ask you a question?" The orc said a moment later. He was bothered by the fact you had no friends, not even one. And training, training meant pain.

"Only if I can ask one in return." You replied, feeling bold all of a sudden. He grinned at this.

"Why do you always wear a mask?"

There was no trace of ulterior motive in his scent, not the usual annoyance you smelled every time someone asked the same question. So you answered him, honestly.

"Promise you won't get weirded out?"

"I swear on my name."

"Oh. oh, okay that's good. You see, my nose, or my sense of smell specifically, is err, not normal."

Now this made Tai'chi's eyes widen. Did you have an illness of sorts? Is your health in danger? Were you h–

"I can tell how someone is feeling based on the changes in their scent. My nose is very sensitive to odors so I keep wearing a mask every time I go outside. It has been like this since I was born. My doctors say it's rare for a human to possess, they say it's special, a gift from a higher being."

"When we went in the cafeteria after our first class, "—Tai'chi inserted— "Was the reason you stopped advancing inside further, the sour and disgusting smell of the students in there?"

"Yes, actually— Wait, how did you know?" you asked.

How does he know??? Did he just smirk?

"I can smell them too."

"You can?!"

"Yes."

"So you mean to tell me, my nose functions similarly like yours?"

"Yes, perhaps, a little bit differently. Or maybe it's because you didn't hone it."

"How can you say so?"

"I can block out certain smells if I want to. And based on your reaction early on, you're having a hard time doing so, is that right?"

"W-Well, yes. You're right. Usually, I'd wear a mask with a basic filtration device, but that doesn't work when I'm inside a closed space and the scents are all mixed up and concentrated."

Tai'chi nodded in reply. He began to stand up and you were met with his towering form once again. You took a step back so you can put less strain on your neck from looking up.

"You still owe me an answer to a question by the way."

"Go on and ask then."

"So, uh, is it just me or when you told me about you...it kind of felt different from how talking to a friend sounds like..." You fidgeted, a certain heat slowly creeps up your face again as you looked around not wanting to meet his gaze. You felt your heart rate increase as you noticed his scent change, telling you you were right.

Tai'chi sighed heavily and rubbed his temples before gathering the courage to talk.

"Yes, it was different."

"So..."

"We use that kind of formality, usually towards someone we want to court."

Did he say 'court'?!

"C-Court??" you squeaked. Pretty sure your face is redder than the color of your brass knuckles, your heart hammering in your chest you believed he could hear it.

"Courting, or dating, or whatever everyone calls it down here." Breathing in deeply, he returned to kneel before you and took your hands into his, large palms caressing your small ones.

"I'll have to rephrase my words."

He locked his gaze into yours, deep blue eyes to your mahogany ones.

"Will you allow me to court you, Pearl Blackbell?"

"W-Why would you want to court me?"

The hell would someone want to court me? I'm seen as a freak by most people and I'm not soft or girly like the others. I don't like skirts or dresses. I hate makeup. I have calloused hands, scars hidden under my clothes. I don't understand —

He gave you a soft smile, cutting off your train of self-deprecating thoughts. "I can hear your mind, Pearl. Don't think low of yourself. You are amazing, y'know that? The first time I saw your eyes, and the moment you fought for my sake, I knew I was smitten. You are graceful, each motion fluid and filled with strength, people would never expect you possess until they feel it through a punch you throw. You are kind, righteous, beautiful, strong, with a heart of gold. It is a shame how most people do not see it. I want to prove myself to you, and win your heart properly."

You were about to pass out from his confession when you remembered you need to respond! Gathering what courage and energy you have left, you answered.

"I...Oh my God... I don't know what to say— I've never experienced this, ever! I'm afraid I won't know what to do- what if I mess up? What if I—"

"Listen, liga ni..." He cut you off as he rubbed circles on your hands, that small shift of language sent his voice into a guttural one. "This is also a first for me, and I share your fears in this. But my wish to pursue you remains unwavered. I will try my best to woo you, and if I do something you didn't like, it is up to you to end the courting, any time you want, and I will stop immediately. I hope we would stay friends if it comes that..." He said as he broke eye contact and looked down.

"Tai'chi..." Seeing him sad like this made your chest twist in discomfort.

Steadying yourself, you studied him, his scent was pure, no malice within his words, he was speaking from his heart. With renewed confidence, you finally decided.

"Tai'chi Kashharzol...I wish to court you as well."

He snapped up his gaze back to you and saw you smile. He scented you just to make sure you weren't doing this out of pity. The moment he realized it was genuine he lifted you in the air and spun you around. You were surprised at the sudden outburst but laughed together with him once you got over it. He set you down after a while and moved his face close to yours but halted immediately when he saw your eyes widen.

"Too forward?" He asked.

"Y-Yeah." Your heart was doing backflips, even if that sounds so ridiculous.

He understood. "I apologize, I got carried away." But before he pulled back you pressed a quick kiss on his forehead. He almost purred from the gesture but suppressed it as not to scare you in any way. You were new to this after all. He cleared his throat and reached out a hand to you.

"We should head back, our class will start soon."

"O-okay." You moved to wear your mask again before taking his hand, enjoying the rest of the walk in silence. You were still nervous, but you decided to focus on the now.

I've never felt like this before... Is it a good thing? I think it is.

And with that on your mind, you let yourself relax.

*

A pair of cruel eyes witnessed the whole exchange, remaining unnoticed as he hid behind a tree, a good distance from where you stood. They watched you and the orc walk away before they went the other direction.

"She will be fun to break. A female, human Blackbell, tempting. This will be a great chance to demonstrate and prove how monstrous an orc could be." They snickered. "I will enjoy this, exceptionally."

"In time, Pearl. In time."

****************************************

Now now who is this suspicious person?!

Liga ni — means 'little one' (as an endearment) in Orcish

Tags: @crackinanutshell @kokokatsworld @mitchiesdungeon

[minimitchell]

callumhighwayweek day 4 - “you’re not jealous, are you?” (ao3 link)

.

Callum likes working at ‘Roasted’. It’s a nice enough job, the pay is better than with most student jobs around here and he meets lots of interesting people. Granted, a lot of them are kind of snobby and definitely a lot more of the hipster variety than what he’s used to, coming from the East End and all, but it is a fun job.

And it’s not like he’s going to be here forever.

He started working at the coffee shop in his second year of Uni, having seen their job listing for a barista on Instagram of all places. It’s pretty on par for the shop though. The owners, an older, alternative couple he’s only met a handful of times, are living in Bali for the better part of the year and the coffee shop is mostly being managed by their daughter. She’s laid back and funny and a really great boss.

And Callum has learned a lot in the last year and a half he’s been working here. He’d only done bar work in the past, pulling pints and washing dirty glasses, but he genuinely likes being a barista. He feels good whenever he remembers an order from someone who comes in regularly, he likes seeing their faces when they discover some new latte art he practiced and he doesn’t even mind serving teen girls for the sole purpose of them taking a picture with their names on their cups afterwards.

He likes it because he likes making people feel good, even if it’s just with a coffee, and he likes putting a little smile on their faces - and it also doesn’t hurt that he gets free drinks and free cake samples all day long.

“And a wonderful day to my favorite colleague as well.”

Oh yeah, there’s also Ben.

Ben had started two months before Callum even got the job here but by the time Callum had completed his training, Ben was already working like a seasoned pro.

He’s also in his last year at Uni, but he’s in a completely different department than Callum is. He’s a business major, spending most of his time across campus from Callum, who’s studying social work. On paper, they shouldn’t really get along considering their wildly different interests and plans for their future jobs, but they immediately clicked.

At one point during a quiet shift they got talking about their aspirations and Ben had told him he’s planning to take over his dad’s businesses when he’s done with Uni and maybe even expand them further. Callum thinks Ben can easily do that; he’s dead smart.

He’s also devastatingly handsome, as Callum noticed the very first time they met. Ben has these captivating blue eyes and an easy, welcoming smirk on his face at all times. He’s definitely a people person, able to make easy chit chat with just about anyone that comes in. He has this aura of confidence and assurance around him but it doesn’t make him come across as arrogant, not at all.

They spend most of their shifts together talking or teasing one another when they aren’t swamped with work. Ben likes to try almost every cake they’re offering that day, feeding little bites to Callum when he deems it ‘worthy enough for him’ and Callum likes to use Ben as a guinea pig for his latte art, trying out new designs or perfecting his existing one’s.

And when business is slow or when they’re about ready to close up in the evening, they get to talk with one another. What started with them talking about their degrees and course work quickly moved onto deeper and more substantial topics. 

Callum talks about being the first person in his family to go to Uni and the pressure he feels on himself because of that. He tells Ben about his desire to make a difference in the world, to help children who come from the same rough parts as himself. Ben on the other hand talks about his family a lot, about the need to prove himself in a big family you otherwise get lost in, about the feeling that he needs to compensate for his dad’s disapproval.

Disapproval stemming from the fact that he’s gay.

Yeah, he told Callum about that as well. It was a small revelation to him and Callum couldn’t help but tell him it’s the same for him. It feels like a new, deeper, level to their friendship.

It’s also the full source of Callum’s misery.

Because before this revelation, Callum could accept that the little infatuation he’s developed for Ben was entirely for nought. He was under no impression that this crush was ever going to be reciprocated because, to be completely honest, Callum had just assumed that Ben’s straight.

But since he knows that this isn’t the case at all, it almost feels like his crush has doubled or tripled in size; like maybe it has grown even more because there’s now this tiny, traitorous voice whispering that there might be a chance for them. Assuming he’d ever actually have the courage to ask Ben out.

He hasn’t so far; every time he even thinks about asking Ben to go out with him he chickens out in the end, afraid that Ben will laugh at him. Or even worse, that he’ll never want to work with him ever again. Because while he does like working here, he likes it even better when he’s working alongside Ben.

“How did your exam go?”

Ben joins him behind the counter, going to wash his hands before he starts taking over for Callum behind the till. He’s wearing a black polo underneath his burgundy apron and his hair is nicely tousled; Callum is itching to run his hands through it.

“Aced it. Hopefully.”

He pulls a face, trying to play it cool even though they both know Ben understands Advanced Marketing better than most people in his course. Callum didn’t expect anything less than an ace from Ben.

“‘Course you did.”

Ben sends him a wink, strolling over to the display counter and observing what they have on offer today. There’s a fresh carrot cake there Callum’s dying to share with Ben later. He steps next to Callum behind the till, logging in with his cashier number once Callum signs off and the way he rests his hand on Callum’s lower back while doing so, makes his heart throb in his chest, hammering all the way up into his throat.

Maybe today is the day he finally has the guts to ask Ben out on a date.

The shop gets busy shortly after Ben gets here and they don’t even really have time to get a breath in-between all the coffee and cake orders they have to prepare. It’s a fairly small shop and only two people are always scheduled to work on weekdays so they’re busy until the midday and after-work rushes are over.

Callum saves the last piece of carrot cake for Ben - even though their manager always yells at them for not giving everything to the paying customers - and Callum is just about to get it from the stock room to surprise Ben with it when this guy leans on the counter in front of the till.

He’s seen him before a couple times - tall caramel latte, Callum thinks. He doesn’t look much older than him and Ben, probably a fellow student, and Callum doesn’t like him for the sole reason that he always flirts with Ben when he comes in, trying to make him laugh or smile bashfully at the ground.

Callum hates even more that it works most of the time.

It’s no different this time. The guy says something that makes Ben laugh, making a show of dropping a five pound note into their tip jar after he’s paid just so Ben can see him do it and leers after him when Ben goes to make the drink for him.

He leaves with a wink in Ben’s direction afterwards and Callum eats the whole piece of carrot cake by himself in the stock room as some weird form of silent protest.

.

They don’t always work together.

Ben has a lot of afternoon classes and works late or mornings, whereas Callum is almost exclusively at Uni in the mornings and comes into work afterwards. So yeah, sometimes their shifts don’t line up. And then some other times, it’s just bad luck.

Callum tries not to sulk when he hears that Ben called in sick today. He knows it’s probably nothing too bad but they’re advised to stay home at any possible sign of illness regardless, for hygienic reasons and all that.

He likes working with Keegan, who came in for Ben today, as well but he was really looking forward to seeing Ben.

It sounds dramatic but the day drags on and on without Ben here, cracking jokes and making Callum weird drink combinations to try. Callum thinks it can’t get any worse but at close to five a very familiar face walks through the door.

It’s the guy who always flirts with Ben and Callum watches from behind the counter as he scans the area, looking around to see if he can spot Ben presumably. Callum almost feels bad for the devilish glee coursing through him at the knowledge that he won’t be successful today.

“Hi, what can I get you?”

Callum is trying hard to stay composed and give at least the impression that he’s being friendly. The guy gives him a barely-there smile, obviously not very interested in making a good impression on anyone other than Ben.

“I was wondering if Ben is working today?”

“Sorry, I can’t give out that kind of information.”

He tries not to revel in the eye roll the guy gives him but it’s hard not to. Yes, it’s incredibly petty but Callum can’t help it, he’d rather work the morning shift every day for a whole month than see Ben go out with this cocky prick.

The guy heaves a sigh and gives his order - one tall caramel latte just like Callum thought it was - and Callum punches it in for Keegan to prepare. Callum tells the guy his total and waits until he presses his card against the reader, nodding when the transaction goes through.

Callum thinks he’s about to put money in the tip jar but instead, the guy fishes a white business card out of his trouser pocket and slides it across the counter towards Callum.

“Can you give this to Ben? My number is on the back.”

He doesn’t wait for Callum to take it or even agree, moving along the counter to get his drink from Keegan. Callum tries not to openly show his annoyance at the bloke, grabbing the card and stuffing it into the pocket of his apron.

Over the next few hours he forgets all about the little piece of paper still hiding in the fabric of his apron. He’s cleaning the appliances, waiting for Keegan to be done with mopping the floor so they can close up for the day, when he realizes the business card is still in his possession.

He pulls it out of his pocket, looking at the bland text written across it in bold letters. Which student even carries a business card around with them? Even his name is obnoxious - Tristan, ugh. He doesn’t even feel bad when he, completely accidentally of course, lets the card fall, watching it sink to the bottom of the trash bag and getting covered by the old coffee grounds a moment later.

Oops.

.

Callum forgets all about Tristan and his stupid little business card, mostly because his next two shifts are spend with Ben again. To be completely honest, Callum could probably forget anything else around him exists whenever he’s in a room with Ben; it’s gotten that bad for him.

He’s completely determined to ask Ben out today, spurred on by the all of a sudden very real chance that someone else might get there before he can, and he doesn’t want to risk that. He’s been in love with the guy for close to a year now, he won’t waste another day.

Callum is in the back room, restocking the cups and lids before the evening rush begins when he hears Ben laughing at something behind the counter. He pokes his head through the door to see what’s so funny, but he doesn’t feel like laughing at all when he sees bloody Tristan standing there, arrogantly smiling at Ben.

He’s too busy seething at the fact he probably missed his chance with Ben now, can already see Ben accepting the number and going on dates and probably falling head over heels for this stupid guy, to remember he chucked the guy’s number in the bin. The one, he’s apparently asking about judging by Ben’s confused face and slight head tilt.

The distance between the stock room and the till is too great to make out any coherent words so he doesn’t know what Ben is saying in return, but it’s pretty clear this Tristan guy will throw him under the bus any moment now. God, how is he going to explain this to Ben when he inevitably asks why Callum didn’t forward the guy’s number? This is so not how he wanted this to go today; he could cry at the thought alone.

Ben turns his head to look in his direction and Callum has to duck back into the room in a flash, praying that Ben didn’t see him spying on his conversation just now.

He isn’t exactly proud of hiding in here afterwards, waiting for Tristan to leave and just staring at the different sized lids and brown paper cups with their logo emblazoned on the side. It’s definitely the most cowardly thing to do but Callum honestly feels like crying right now. He can’t bear to hear the guy he’s so stupidly in love with talk about going out with someone else; he just can’t do it.

It hurts knowing he’s never going to get the chance to make Ben see how perfect they could be for each other. Because he just knows he could make him so, so happy; Callum’s sure of that. He feels it deep in his chest, right where his heart is slowly twisting and turning.

“So, uh, you got something you wanna give me?”

The sudden shock at hearing Ben’s voice right behind him makes Callum flail his arms around, knocking over a whole stack of lids and sending them cluttering to the ground right in front of Ben’s shoes. He doesn’t really know what to say, whether he should admit he’s thrown the number away in a fit of pure jealousy or not, and the conflict must show on his face because Ben immediately takes pity on him.

“I told him we hadn’t seen each other since then so you didn’t have the chance to give it to me.”

“Thanks.”

The ground seems much more interesting to him than Ben’s expectant face right now and he’s scuffing his shoe along one of the many stains littering the light grey linoleum. Ben tries to catch his eyes, leaning down to enter Callum’s eyesight.

“Are you gonna tell me why you didn’t?”

Callum remains silent, only giving Ben a slight shrug in response to his question. Ben waits him out though, leaning against the doorframe until Callum finally sighs and meets Ben’s eyes. Time to get it out, he reckons.

He’s about to confess, to lay his feelings bare, when Ben preempts him.

“You’re not jealous, are you?”

His voice is light and joking but there’s an undertone to it. Something that sounds almost daring and hopeful; like the prospect of Callum being jealous of someone wanting to ask him out doesn’t annoy Ben but that he’s actually maybe hoping it’s true.

The thought makes Callum pause, taking in the slight smile on Ben’s face and the bright sparkle in his eyes. It makes him brave enough to finally admit his feelings, to finally take that plunge into the unknown, uncertain.

“I was working up the courage to ask you out for weeks now, months even.”

Ben’s smile stretches out across his face, transforming his face into something even more beautiful than normal. He takes a step towards Callum, tangling his hands around the straps of Callum’s apron, pulling him further into his own body.

“So ask me.”

Ben is smiling up at him, his fingers running up and down the skin underneath the straps and he feels the touch burn through his shirt. He looks loved up for lack of a better term and Callum has the brief thought that they could’ve spent so much time being with each other already, but it doesn’t really matter now. They got there anyway.

“Will you go on a date with me?”

“Yeah. Definitely.”

Ben pulls him down against him, sealing their lips together in a careful kiss. It’s the most perfect thing Callum’s ever tasted, ever felt in his entire life. His hands settle on both sides of Ben’s face, guiding him back onto his lips again and again and again. Until their lips are red and puffy and customers are yelling to be served.

They get fired two weeks later for spending a little too much time in the stock room. 

It’s worth it.

[prorevenge]

Screw me? Screw you; I want my money.

This is a revenge in multiple parts and apologies up front for the length.

About 30years or so ago I was 17 and about to head to University. An acquaintance through my parents church offered me a job working with him learning to be a pizza chef. Awesome, I'd need money for Uni and I'd already had a stack of jobs, so working hard was nothing new for me, but being a cook certainly was. My experience with Italian was limited to Pizza Hut. So I accepted that at the start I was a liability, not a help.

I started work, and to start with I worked free. Cool, but when it got to the point about 3 months later that I was opening by myself & taking whole shifts by myself, well, I should be paid. I screwed up all of my 17yr old courage and confronted the owner, let's call him Nick (because that was his name). He huffed and puffed and tried to tell me how terrible I was, but I stood my ground and now I'm on minimum wage. Not bad in my eyes at the time.

I worked there for another 3years, through most of my Uni degree, often putting in 30hrs contact at Uni, 30 hours at the restaurant and 30 hours of study, it was hectic, but just became the norm.

Towards the end I became a lot more savvy, and started researching labour laws, keeping records of my pay packets and end of year tax receipts and realised Nick (& other co-owners) were screwing me. I wasn't on the correct rate, they weren't deducting tax correctly and a couple of other accounting "oversights".

By then I was working with my (at the time) mate, let's call him Girlfriend Creeping Dickhead (GCD).

It was Sunday night - the place was packed I had tickets all the way down my line and GCD and I were pumped. We had a new boss (NB) who'd just bought into the business who thought he was the King Of the World because he was now a "restauranteur", a right wanker, but after years of having to stay back to cook pizzas on world cup nights for the bosses friends, or Chirstmas, NYE, etc I was sorta used to the grandstanding chest puffing behaviour.

The night in question the new boss would *not* let me start the second pizza oven (think a two tier oven - I was only allowed the top tier on) because it "cost too much". So here I am, oven FULL, two pizza chefs running full speed and we're only falling behind, because one oven wasn't enough and it was starting to cool down from being so full and opened so frequently.

NB gets a couple of tables of mates in. Instead of just asking us to cook some comp garlic bread or whatever, he starts loading up trays himself and putting them in the oven, not the worst crime, but because he had NO idea what he was doing, every 30s he'd open the oven to check them, cooling the oven down even further, potentially ruining the food we had in there and slowing us down measurably. I had the Head Chef chewing my ass out as his food was ready to go but my food on teh same tickets wasn't. It was hectic and not fun.

This Garlic Bread Bandit shit had to stop.

me: NB - Stop fucking with my oven. If you want garlic bread - just ask - I'll get it done immediately for you. NB: What? Huh? me: You're messing with my oven - you're cooling it down and we're too busy for this shit - just tell me and I'll make it. NB: Ok.

Did he do it? Nope, he kept on. Queue the same conversation another 2 times, the last time I told him I'd blow my stack if he did it again. You see where this is going. He did it again.

Now - after being consistently ripped off and abused (so many kooky stories from that place) for 3 years, my time was up there anyway, and this was the time to do it.

I looked at GCD and said "Yo. We out of here?" he looked back and simply said "Yup". We stripped our aprons and in front of the entire restaurant (pizza kitchen was in full view of the entire restaurant) threw them on the bench and told NB "We quit - All this, all these tickets, all the food in the oven you've fucked up, and your mates shitty garlic bread - this is all yours now - good luck"

Then we walked out - got some coffees from the baristas, sat in front of the Pizza area and watched him absolutely FLOUNDER. He had *no* idea what he was doing and there was literally no one else there that could help him. We could see food coming out from the kitchen, but the pizza on the same ticket was taking 20m or more longer to come out, tables were hopping mad - we could hear the grumblings all around us. I'll admit it was dickish, but undeniably satisfying to behold.

That's not the pro revenge though. The Pro revenge was that I'd been stealing my timesheet every Sunday night, photocopying it and then replacing it Monday mornings. I'd been doing that for over a year. I'd also told GCD to do it.

Monday I walk in and Nick was there and was *FURIOUS* at me, as I walking in you could see his chubby face turn bright red as he bellowed across the restaurant floor "What the FUCK do you think you're doing here? Get the FUCK out and never come back".

me: Nick - we've gotta talk. We can do it here or we can do it in your office, but trust me, you want to have this conversation privately. Nick: Fine - You come with me then (desperately trying to gain the upper hand back) and he storms to his shitty little office out the back Nick: about how he's going to withhold pay and a whole heap of other illegal hot air. Me: You done? Good... Here - read this:

I hand him a print out of an excel spreadsheet, a stack of photocopied timesheets, a stack of photocopied payslips, printed copied of the wage awards, all of which detail the amount he's ripped me off for.

Me: You owe me 6 grand. I'll take cash or a cheque now.

Did I mention he and the other bosses had *just* been simultaneously raided by the tax office and that they and the business were all on thin fucking ice? Yeah, bad timing for Nick the Dick.

Nick: Spluttering, wringing his hands "But, but, I can't afford it! Look I'll show you my bank accounts" as he physically starts scrambling to find his bank statements. Me: Nick I literally don't give a shit about you, your bank accounts or your situation, you owe me 6 grand *TODAY* or I take all of this to the Tax office and all of the other relevant government departments that will be *very* interested in this, because Nick... I have a feeling if you're doing this to me, you're doing it to other staff here as well huh? As for not having the money, well, again, not my problem, but you just bought a new $60,000 Pajero, so if you have to run that down to the car yard and sell it, again I don't give a shit but I get 6 grand TODAY.

He literally teared up a little, I'm not sure why, maybe through frustration, rage or just being screwed by someone he though waaaaay beneath him. But seeing a grown man who's abused you for many years cry at your hands is a pretty beautiful thing to behold as a 20yr old kid.

I got a cheque that day for my whole 6 grand (and yes, it cashed), but the best was walking out of his office with GCD standing there who deadpan just looked him in the eyes and said "Nick, we need to talk..." and in they walked in to do the same thing. $10k he "lost" that day.

The best part? A few of my friends at the restaurant caught wind of the fact that I had *enraged* him and asked what it was all about - I let them know how they were being screwed, how to take copies of all of their timesheets, and where to find the relevant laws. I know of several other people who did the same thing to him.

And that was how I left the hospitality industry and started working in my field of study, never to look back.

Hope you enjoyed my cake day present to y'all!

(source) story by (/u/faidel)

[jungshookz]

I would love a uni!yoongi & y/n drabble💓💜

🌿pairing; min yoongi x reader

🌿genre; uni!yoongi, university!au, fluffy fluffy fluff!!!!!!! uni!yoongi owns my heart and my whole ASS 

🌿wordcount; 2.8k 

🌿what to expect; “and another fun fact! the mistletoe plant actually contains toxic amines, and eating its berries can cause vomiting and stomach pain.”

🌿note; outraGEOUS that a mistletoe emoji has yet to exist!!!! unfortunately i wasn’t able to do a 12 drabbles of christmas this year due to finals but i hope this drabble makes up for it :-) if i’m a little rusty it’s only because this is the first drabble i’ve written in a while,..,,. hopefully i’ll have another drabble up before christmas!!! happy reading :^) 

                                       »»————-　✼　————-««

if yoongi had a dollar for every time he wanted to scream at you for being denser than a block of tofu he would most definitely be a billionaire

he’s had this thought time and time again but he really doesn’t understand how someone so smart can be so dumb at the same time

he could be holding up a flashing neon sign pointing to him that said ‘i 100% like you and am giving you the green light to ask me out so all you have to do is ask!’ and you would still be like .,.,.y’all hear sumn?

anyways he doesn’t have time to think about when you’re finally going to make a move because it’s that time of the semester ladies and gents

yep

it’s finals season

now, traditionally, the way yoongi handles finals season is that he kind of just goes with the flow

as in he goes to the library and studies for two hours and decides that that’s enough time and dedication he’s putting into a particular class so he pretty much deserves the rest of the day off

and this technique has worked ever since his first year in uni so he’s stuck with it ever since

as long as he doesn’t flunk out of anything he’s fine!!!

but since getting to know you yoongi has adopted new techniques into his studying routine that doesn’t just include skimming over poorly taken notes from class for 5 minutes and then scrolling through instagram for 45 minutes and then taking a 2 hour nap

no no

now he has highlighted notes

now he has insanely detailed google docs

now he has flash cards

and not just flash cards

colour coordinated flash cards

crazy, isn’t it???

this is probably your guys’ fifth study session together and yoongi doesn’t want to toot his own horn or anything but he thinks he’s going to absolutely nail this chemistry final

he can tell anyone about the main types of chemical reactions without blinking

that’s how confident he is about his knowledge

and he knoWs it’s all because of you which most certainly doesn’t help him suppress his attraction towards you

how can he noT be attracted to the person who’s bumping up his GPA??

but yes

yoongi is confident and he feels like he doesn’t need to go over what synthesis reactions are for the tenth time in a row

(also he forget a stack of flash cards at home that u reminded him three times to bring with him today to which he responded with ‘i’m NOT going to forget them just relax’ and he’s hoping u forgot about them because you don’t play around when it comes to flash cards)

he wants this study session to be a little more lax

a little more chill

a little less conversation and a little more ACTION (but not in,.,. not in a pervy way or anything)

yoongi decided to bring a little special something just to make things a little more interesting aND to celebrate the holidays!!

he’s being festive!!

he even taped strips of jingle bells to the edges of his skateboard :-)

“okay, hydrogen bonds.” you flip your notebook onto its front before whipping around and letting out a breath “hydrogen forms hydrogen bonds with three elements. hydrogen is fun. hydrogen is fOn. hydrogen forms hydrogen bonds with fluorine, oxygen, and nitrogen.”

…yeah that sounds right

you turn back around and flip over your notebook before quickly searching for your notes

aH

yes!!!! you got it!!!! hydrogen is FON!!!! hyDRoGEN iS FON!!!!!

“up top, y/l/n!” you grin widely before giving yourself a high five

niCE

“just when i thought you couldn’t get any weirder.” you jump three feet into the air when you hear yoongi speak up and you let out a breath before placing a hand on your chest

“yoongi!” you clear your throat and lean back against the table a little bit

you’re just going to play it off as if you didn’t just tell yourself to give yourself a high five

“what, uh, what took you so long?”

yoongi raises a brow before checking the time on his phone “i’m three minutes early.”

you turn back a little to look at the time on your laptop

huh

would you look at that

yoongi is early

and of course you’re here before scheduled because of who you are as a person

“…well, what are you doing just standing there? let’s get to work!!” you clap your hands together before looking at yoongi expectantly and gesturing for him to take a seat

“just so that you’re aware, i’m pretty sure i know more about the different types of chemical reactions than you.”

you raise a brow before crossing your arms

that is certainly a vEry bold statement because you could talk about the different types of chemical reaction for hours and hours on end

“oh, really?” you scoff playfully as you turn to wipe down the whiteboard

you’ve been tutoring yoongi for the past couple of weeks without expecting anything in return

honestly it’s just fun to ramble on and on about something that you’re confident about aNd it’s fun to see the panic in his eyes when you ask him a question about what you just talked about

and!!!! teaching someone else about the thing that you have to review yourself is actually a pretty effective studying strategy

you tried the practice test the other night and you got 98% so it’s safe to say you’re going to make this final exam your biTCH-

“yep.” yoongi sighs and leans back against his chair “in fact, i bet you that i’ll get every single one of your questions right this session.”

“what happens if you don’t?”

“if i get even one question wrong, i will… play one of your dumb studying games.”

your eyes widen in excitement

“charades for chemists??” (an exciting upgrade from the original version of charades)

((u have to try to act out a reaction))  

((it’s a lot more exciting than it sounds))

“but if i get every single one of your questions right, you’ll have to play one of my games.”

“…what kind of game?”

“you’ll just have to find out, won’t you?” yoongi smiles sweetly “it’s nothing like your dumb charades game, i can tell you that.”

you narrow your eyes suspiciously and yoongi shrugs

there’s no way he’d be able to get all of your questions right

obviously it’d be great if he got all of them right because that means these tutoring sessions are actually working but then again it’s yoongi

yoongi who uses pipettes to squeeze tiny spurts of air in your face just because ‘it’s fun!!’

yoongi who has the balls to juggle glass beakers in the middle of a lab in front of the professor

it’s yoongi

of course the idiotic things he does in class doesn’t exactly correlate to his intelligence

he actually did pretty well on the last lab report

“you have three seconds to decide if you wanna do this or not otherwise the offer’s off the table.” yoongi waves a hand in front of your face and you straighten up a little before sticking your hand out for him to shake

“alright, min yoongi. game on.”

the corner of yoongi’s mouth twitches in a devilish smile

honey, you’ve got a big storm coming.

you flip your notebook open to the page where you have a bunch of practice questions written down and you skim the list

alright

you’ll throw yoongi a bone

“we’ll start off easy. what’s the difference between exothermic and endothermic reaction-“

“endothermic takes in energy - for example, ice melting - and exothermic gives off heat - for example, lighting a match.” yoongi answers without blinking

…

o

okay

that answer was word for word what you have written down in your notes

you should probably reconsider the whole throwing a bone thing

if anything u should probably take a couple bones away from yoongi

your competitive streak immediately kicks in once you realise the score board is 1-0 and you’re on the 0 end

“what does synthesis gas consist of?” you raise a brow

“before i answer that - you forgot to add a tally under my name.” yoongi points to the whiteboard and you kiss your teeth before whipping around and begrudgingly drawing a tally on the scoreboard “good girl.”

(you’ll never admit to him that hearing him call you that made your stomach do a little flip)

“answer the question.”

“synthesis gas is a fuel gas mixture consisting of hydrogen, carbon monoxide, and carbon dioxide. it intermediates in creating synthetic natural gas and for producing ammonia or methanol.”

.,,.,.and that’s 2-0 to yoongi

what in the hELL is going on

u know what

it’s fine!

it’s fine

maybe he’s just having a lucky day

all he has to do is screw up once

“-due to the conjugation double bond character in alkyl halide.” the fact that yoongi’s inspecting his nails as he answers your final question is oddly vERy irritating

you can’t believe it

yoongi got all 10 of your veRy tricky questions right

you should be proud because it’s because of you that he knows that he’s talking about but at the same time you didn’t think you were doing thAt great of a job at teaching him!!!!

but you’re looking at the scoreboard and it’s 10-0

there are 0 tallies under your name!!! ZERO!!! under youR NAME!!!

and now you have to play yOOngi’s dumb game instead of charades for chemists

if anything it’s his loss

“i told you you have to close your eyes to play my game.” yoongi reaches over to shut your notebook after he catches you glancing at it (to make sure he actually got the answers right and you didn’t misread anything) for the fifth time in two minutes

you have to accept defeat whether you like it or not

you let out a sigh before crossing your arms and shutting your eyes “what are the rules of this game? how does one win?”

“i’m going to show you something-“ you hear yoongi unzip his backpack “and you have to identify what it is and tell me what its purpose is within 30 seconds.”

huh

sounds easy enough

“so i win just by doing that?” your brows furrow and you resist the urge to open your eyes

“i guess you could say that.” you hear yoongi’s footsteps against the carpet and you freeze when you feel him standing right in front of you

“alright, open your eyes.” you immediately open them and-

“so, tell me, y/n-” yoongi lets out a sigh before glancing up at the mistletoe that he’s holding up in between the two of you “what do we have here?”

you swallow thickly and keep your eyes glued on the mistletoe

u know what that is

and u know what its purpose is

you could easily win this game right here and now so u don’t know what’s stopping you

you can feel yoongi staring at you and you know that if you make eye contact with him right now you will definitely combuST into flames

“that’s, um, well, i’m not a, uh, i’m not a botanist or anything, but that is a… that’s mistletoe.” you clear your throat “that is… mistletoe.”

“uh-huh. and, remind me again - isn’t mistletoe particularly special this time of the year?” yoongi hums and takes a step closer to you

you jump a little when you feel the bottom of the whiteboard dig into the small of your back

the little metal tray holding the whiteboard markers clatters a marker plops to the ground but you’ll deal with that later

because now it’s time to do what you do best

D E F L E C T

“mistletoe are actually hemiparasitic plants in which they kinda just suck water and nutrients from their host tress. did you know that?”

yoongi resists the urge to roll his eyes

he knows exactly what you’re doing (out of nervous habit) but for your sake he’ll play along

“oh yeah?”

“yep. and another fun fact! the mistletoe plant actually contains toxic amines, and eating its berries can cause vomiting and stomach pain.”

“…didn’t you say you weren’t a botanist-”  

“-but if we’re talking about its relevance to the christmas holidays, then… well, traditionally, people, um, people… kiss underneath them.” you finish quietly and your eyes instinctively flicker down to yoongi’s pouty lips

“i like you a lot, y/n.” yoongi breathes out and you feel your heart hiccup

your cheeks flush and you feel the heat rushing up to your ears

o god

a couple seconds of silence goes by and you wonder if yoongi can hear your heart pounding in your chest

“if you don’t feel the same way, i-“

“i like you too.” you murmur shyly and yoongi lets out what sounds like a breath of relief

before he gets the chance to roAST you for taking so long to finally admit it to him, you’re pushing your lips against his in a gentle kiss with your hand pressed against his cheek

it takes yoongi a second to register that you initiated a kiss with him but once his brain catches up to his body, he starts kissing you back

a smile tugs at his mouth when you take a step closer to him and he automatically loops an arm around your waist before carelessly tossing the mistletoe aside

yoongi tilts his head as he deepens the kiss and the quiet ‘fuck’ he lets out when you nip at his bottom lip almost immediately makes you lightheaded

it’s when you’re reminded that literally anyone passing by the room would be able to see you through the glass door that you drag yourself away (reluctantly) and yoongi unintentionally lets out a whine

“so did i win?” your cheeks are still rosy and your heart is still racing but you’re trying to play it off as if you’re totally cool about kissing yoongi and that you’re totally cool about the mutual attraction between the two of you but that fact that you’re kinda bouncing on the balls of your feet like an excited child is probably not helping your case

and yoongi’s smiling so widely his cheeks are starting to hurt but it’s totally worth it

:-) !!!!

“you won but i’m still marking you down for killing the mood by talking about vomiting and stomach pain.”

help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a request)

drabble tag

[nissakii]

What do Mystic Messenger characters represent in society? [MysMe]

Mystic Messenger which is a game filled with a lot of action, drama and some sort of romance is still really close to our reality.

Especially the characters represent a lot of us and the many different situations people can be in and suffer from, as every and each of them offers us a route in which we can see more of the character and help them to achieve their ending (or not if you are curious to get the bad endings).

Yet what do those characters represent in our usual lives?

Where do we see each and every one of these characters in our society?

In the following blog post, we will see that every character shows us a certain place and piece of our reality that Cheritz put in their game.

Yoosung Kim

Starting with the youngest member of RFA let’s take the one who hasn't experienced the world of work yet.

As an uni student Yoosung is the very representation of someone who isn’t sure where life could lead him after achieving one big goal: getting into university.

Because despite the fact that standing on one’s own feet starts at that phase in life it is mostly the time where many feel lost as they see themselves stuck in their current life.

And Yoosung is one of those many cases that represent those people in Mystic Messenger.

Living alone for the first time and suddenly feeling the overwhelming force of being responsible for his own mistakes, he sees the sudden challenges of life that come with it.

On top of that with the death of his cousin Rika which he loved so dearly, nobody is very considerate of his feelings, depression and sadness that still lingers inside of him despite that they all claim it is understandable.

His dream job as a vet that was closely tied to the death of Rika’s dog is the more unattainable and painful to think about after the events as he requestions the morals and standards of society.

Being in the age of constantly being expected to give good results and succeed in order to become valuable to society’s standards, he starts to realize how unfair the chances in life are as he compares himself to Jumin Han who was born rich and with his future already set.

We already discussed a lot about Yoosung’s insecurities and general character in another blogpost, but referring to it Yoosung constantly sees no value in whatever he does beside in helping the RFA which as well due to the death of Rika became inactive until MC appeared.

When someone stops to value what he does or sees no merit in it, there are always the questions:

Why did I start this anyway?

What is the whole purpose of this?

Maybe it’s not for me?

And with those questions, with the heavy burden of a private life and social circles that also have a place in one’s life, sometimes there is a need to escape them all.

As a student just running away or taking holidays is not that easy leaving a bunch of responsibilities behind, so the next best way to stop thinking about the life around you is, immersing into another life- gaming.

Gaming may be a good coping mechanism but also a big threat for those who want to constantly flee from their reality slowly developing a game addiction without realizing, just like Yoosung slowly started to lose himself in LOLOL.

Studying, sorrow, wanting to flee but also wanting to become someone standing on stable footing.

They are all parts of finding oneself in the process, going through the harsh times of slowly diving into the world of adults and that is what Yoosung represents - the start of a new phase in life, probably one of the harshest.

Jaehee Kang 

Close, but still more experienced would be Jaehee Kang the only female of the RFA next to the MC, a chief secretary at C&R and  also the assistant of Jumin Han.

Jaehee is someone seen as a prime example and role-model, being a stable career woman who achieved a lot in her life and has a fairly high income to support herself.

In society’s eyes she is someone who contributes to success and as she is even an early top university graduate for which she got a scholarship in highschool making her extremely diligent and intelligent since her childhood.

Yet Jaehee gave up a lot to be in the position she is right now, she even cut her long hair and wears glasses despite her good vision since it is part of the demands Jumin made for the job as his secretary.

As she said herself her work contains a lot of tasks which some of them she isn’t even supposed to do and go beyond her ordinary secretary job, yet she does them and doesn’t complain since she gets paid for it.

In Zen’s DVD she tried to find a bit of happiness in her daily monotone routine as she works day in and day out, where she even eats out a lot and until late hours, having to take care of her boss’s cat when asked to.

In one of the chats in which Jaehee and Yoosung are talking about how successful and stable Jaehee is unlike Yoosung who is still feeling lost and doesn’t have that stability in life which she wouldn’t understand.

Jaehee on the other hand responds that despite having a job it’s not really that what she wanted to do and that she is still wondering what it is that she actually wants to do as she mentions that she used to go hiking a lot as her hobby, showing that despite being in a good position in society Jaehee still doesn’t feel fulfilled and rather a bit trapped in her monotone working routine which she basically devoted her life to.

Jaehee represents those of who seem like they have achieved a lot and do have a place in society job-wise but are still not sure what it is what they really want to do as they live in and out of their secure routine which they maintain and people expect them to be satisfied with.

Zen

Zen or how he is called by his real name, Hyun Ryu is one of the few characters that actually went through and made his dream his actual job.

Despite his looks he did not become a model but an actor depicting many emotions and roles in which he loses himself in while giving his best to show the audience the true nature of the persona he is currently playing.

We see Zen being a bit more on the easy-going side and encouraging Yoosung for example to follow his heart and dreams like he did, since it worked out for Zen. Yoosung encounters that Zen has the looks to follow the way he wants to which he won’t deny yet it’s not the only quality Zen bears.

He is a very hard-working person, strict on himself when it comes to working out or dieting and also tends to be a workaholic engrossing himself in constant development to fulfill his dream, which is not tied to his looks. Quite contrary Zen despises the fact that some people choose him a role only fitting for his looks and even worse asking him only to model instead of acting, as he mentions that it is acting that he wants to do and not modelling.

In that way his wishes often get disrespected or disregarded due to his looks, also he is being seen as shallow which may lead to people jumping to conclusions.

We see in Zen’s route what a harsh path he had to take in order to pursue his dream, it took him a lot of sacrifice, patience and work to be where he is and it’s only the start for him.

He ran away from home since his parents did not approve of his dreams, he was not the best at school and also dropped out renting an apartment for himself struggling through hard times to survive.

But despite that he never gave up since his dream was his passion and something he did with much eagerness and seriousness, even though many may call it foolish or risky.

Zen is the best representation of the people in our society who choose to derive from the usual path striving for a stable job and take many risks to achieve their dreams.

Because of those dreams life may get a bit harder and the chances are not high, yet Zen is the best example that it takes time, sacrifices and sometimes harsh circumstances to reach that what you want to do.

He is the hard reality of chasing your dreams.

Jumin Han

More or less in our category of society, Jumin Han is a less common case of working hard to achieve a high status and standard in that sense which doesn’t make him lazy or given everything for nothing, but makes his life sure easier from a materialistic perspective.

Cue materialism the first thing that not only RFA mentions when MC enters the chatrooms in the first days but also a misunderstanding from the start is that Jumin only sees numbers and facts, wielding his money to obtain whatever he desires and living an easy life.

Sure enough, money is one of the most fundamental problems that make life much harsher when it's lacking, also it’s the main cause of many stress factors since education, work and status are all basically tied to money. 

If the world is not about money in a certain sense why are we struggling that much anyways to get amazing jobs and maybe in some cases like Jaehee give up part of our life and identity?

But Jumin is the perfect example that the rich people who exist out there or at least some of them do not rely solely on their privilege of being born rich, yet still work hard to prove their position in society as Jumin still graduated as a top student, being part of MENSA which requires high IQ to become a member of and has a policy of working as efficiently as possible.

In that sense Jumin is a talented, intelligent young man who doesn’t want to simply rely on his background but also showcase his skills as he always strives to get the best results in the company to make sure he deserves the place as the CEO in line.

Since Yoosung constantly nags and complains about Jumin’s background being a bliss and that he had a comfortable and easy life, Jumin does not tell him he might be wrong but that he simply did not decide to be born that way and still encourages Yoosung that he has good qualities which Jumin finds appealing enough to hire him as an intern, showing him that it’s still important which skills someone hones.

Yoosung is just one example of people viewing him as someone who is just lucky enough to be born rich or the unfairness of status by birth, but they do not see the the dark side of Jumin’s life as he never had any stable relationships beside V that he cherishes so much also that people only put light on his status but not the work that he himself put into, visiting lessons since childhood not growing up like a usual kid playing freely without fearing to be kidnapped.

Therefore the concept of love is quite strange for him and beside in the good ending of his own route where he finally starts to learn about it, the box of emotions Jumin holds is always hidden deep within him projecting his own weaknesses on Elizabeth the 3rd who gives him the secure form of love and loyalty.

In any other situation love is not needed in the world he grew up in since facts and cold logic represented as results of success is what the people need to see from him, mistakes are a sign of weakness and incompetence especially him who everyone is constantly watching.

Jumin represents those in society who may seem to have high status, wealth and cozy life yet struggle due to the things that cannot be merely achieved by money alone, highlighting the importance of interpersonal relationships.

Saeyoung Choi/707/Luciel

That the world is not an easy place that can be seen only as black and white shows us the next character who suffered a lot through the dark and hidden secrets that society often tries to brush under the carpet.

Saeyoung Choi and his twin brother who we will examine later, show us the cruelty hidden in a small apartment living with an abusive mother who used to beat them up, verbally abuse them as a consequence of them being the illegitimate child of the prime minister.

Since Saeyoung was the more skilled one from a young age, he was treated badly but not as worse as his brother Saeran, which left him with no choice than using his talent to save his brother.

In order to that there was only one option and it was to leave his brother behind leaving him in the hands of V and Rika to protect him while Saeyoung would study to make sure when comes back he and Saeran could run away together.

And he took that option instead of fearing to be killed by his father one day or even by his mother.

In the end Saeyoung landed in an agency which stripped him of any identity and made him work like a machine even before he turned legal due to his level of skill and intellect.

With no place to escape anymore and the only light thinking that Saeran is safe and protected from some floppy disks he has with some pictures of him, he gave into corruption but not turning bad since his intentions kept him pure.

The RFA were a little safespace for him yet Seven never had the right as he claims for that since he doesn’t even have an identity anymore being neither Saeyoung nor any other person as his jobs demands for him to constantly change names and places if needed, therefore he doesn’t even have personal data anywhere.

He even forgot who he is at some point if it wasn’t for V and the floppy disks leaving him in an identical crisis and no hope to be understood by anyone as he constantly wears a mask and never is his true self.

In his eyes his is constantly extorted by his agency and even in some routes he claims that RFA puts a heavy load of work on his back which he likes to do but there are some endings in which Seven finds out that Saeran is under bad circumstances and even worse the hacker who infiltrated RFA and wanted to get rid of him, leaving him to lose trust in the last person he had, V.

Saeyoung Choi represents those who are mistreated, used and extorted in society, forced to live a life in which they cannot decide for themselves and were left to make choices that led them to an unfavorable position instead of helping them.

He is the one showing us that the shadows exist and fear of losing existence due to being nuisance and eyesore for people who have a more favorable place in the eyes of the government.

Saeran Choi/Unknown/Ray

Last but not least the other part of the shadows, Saeran Choi also known as either Ray or Unknown.

Unlike his brother he is at first not shown to have any special talent and since childhood he was a very fragile and kind boy who was seen as weak due to his nature.

A trait that made him prone to being attacked and mistreated not only by his mother but many other people.

But starting with his mother as he was less free than Saeyoung and even tied him up to avoid that he would roam around freely, his mother used to call him weak, useless and of no value as his brother is far better than him and skilled, at least making him worth to be kept alive.

She even deprived him of food and water at times, beat him up and made sure he would know his place in the world as she describes people like us comparing him to her.

Yet Saeran always looked up and trusted his brother since he was a good-natured person despite the fact that he started to manifest the idea that he himself is useless and a burden.

Even when Saeyoung left he was sure that he had a good reason and blamed himself for being useless, but due to certain circumstances and manipulation he was told that Saeyoung ran away from him.

It took a lot of torture and brainwashing to make Saeran finally give up the idea that Saeyoung will keep his promise and never ran away from him. which he later fueled his grudge with.

Rika who used him for mint-eyes plans made sure to keep him as Ray, the one who knew that he was of no merit or value to the outside world, and the moment he would leave the place he now belonged to would be the moment people would trample him, the weak down to the ground.

She also made sure to make him believe that there is no other place for him since he is someone unstable, someone who can only bloom if he worked for mint-eye and that his skills are not needed beside in here the place that would never betray him.

As we notice in Ray’s chats, the same exact words are used when he speaks to MC as he tells her if he doesn’t succeed he would be thrown away and that the world outside is an unprotected place full of people who are cruel.

Weirdly enough in one of the chats Ray shows MC a photo of two plants that sprouted in the from the same ground, but one was almost dying while the other one bloomed as he referred to Saeyoung and himself,  noticing that the stronger one used the weaker to survive therefore he cut the stronger one and used it as a fertilizer rejecting the idea that in any kind of way the stronger could win over the weaker one even in nature’s way.

MC who can be as nice to Ray/Saeran as she wants to be, he will always bring up the fear of being left behind as he has the stigma of being unstable by himself or unusable if not finishing the job as it’s the only thing he can bring any profit in and that he is no use if he doesn’t fulfill his role as a puppet.

Saeran Choi represents the undermined and discarded people of society who were not give a chance nor an option to show their ability, but were stigmatised or manipulated to act as puppets as they are only of worth when they can fulfill the needed tasks as their weakness is something unsightly and doesn’t have a place in this world.

The weak never survives, it’s the survival of the fittest… which means if there is no merit in what he does there is no need to keep him.

Are there any other characters which you see in society that are also part of the mystic messenger cast?

Do you feel especially tied to one of the characters in one of these aspects?

Until then - I just got a message

Makii

Original Source

[writingsfromhome]

Lookalike (2/2)

Part 1/2

A/N: there were a couple requests for Part II to this one, I hope it makes up for the angst of Pt I!

———————————————————————

Jules and I pretend to look at the menu at brunch, already knowing full well we were getting a large stack of pancakes and endless iced coffee. It was our usual Sunday plans for the Saturday nights we spent together.

I had crashed at Jules after the party, too down to imagine going home to an empty flat. And Jules had been more than happy, talking my ear off about the half hour she had spent with Ed, analyzing every detail and falling more in love with him, only hitting pause when I reminded her he was married.

“The usual?” Jules looks up from her menu, her nose scruchled in humour which makes me laugh in agreement. As soon as we place the order, Jules launches into what she’d been sitting on all morning: “So what was up with Harry’s new girl being your exact lookalike?”

Even though this was the last thing I wanted to discuss, I knew it would also keep me sane. “Do they not realise how she looked just like me?”

“I know I kept asking myself that every time I saw her. He’s so not over you. Did you get that vibe?”

“I don’t know Jules! He ended it! That’s so not fair. It feels like I won but I also just feel like the biggest loser ever.”

We’re interrupted by our server and soon we’ve tucked into pancakes, discussing all the details of last night and every last word of mine and Harry’s conversation.

“It’s so weird how you two ended things. I never said anything before but that doesn’t seem like something he would say? He always seemed like one of the good ones.”

“That I’m holding him back?” The words are just as painful now as they were then.

“Yeah! He was so in love with you. I just can’t believe he thought that.”

I shrug, it was those words that made it so hard for me to move on. I felt like I couldn’t trust what anyone said to me-I thought I knew Harry and our falling out just showed I hadn’t. Who knew what would happen if I trusted anyone else.

***

A couple weeks had gone by since seeing Harry, I’d mostly been able to move it to the part of my mind that only activated when I couldn’t sleep at night. If I pretended I was okay, I would eventually be okay. Right?

I decide to walk home from an interview that day instead of taking the heated tube. This was the third interview I’d been to this week and my morale was low. Days like these, I wondered why I even went to uni when I could have stayed in my family’s food business. Who wanted to be depressed and barely making rent when I could have been well-fed and still home. I sigh.

I step into the supermarket as I near closer to home to pick up a few essentials. In line, I notice the trashy magazines with the collage of pictures. But one of them...is me. I do a double take before I snatch it up.

This was definitely me, in the club with Harry. My face is only half in the light, Harry’s profile is clear. It’s when he took me off to the side to talk. How did papparazzi get into the club?

I quickly pay for my groceries and the magazine and rush home, barely putting my bags on the countertop before I rip the glossy pages open.

Is Harry secretly dating twins or does he just have a thing for lookalikes?

A side by side of the picture on the front with me and a photo of Harry walking through a park with Katy. Katy is turned to the side, saying something to Harry. You can see plain as day the similarity. The world knew! I was in a bloody gossip magazine and the world saw what I saw! Harry was dating somebody who looked exactly like me!

I try Jules but she goes to voice mail. I didn’t even know what to do with this information. I always thought my first time in a magazine would be for something far more important.

I sit, try to take some deep breaths. I needed to talk to somebody about this. I look at the spread again and realise there was nothing there about my identity. Nobody knew who I was. At least there was that.

My spiralling is interrupted by an unknown caller. Thinking it was Jules from work, I pick up without checking.

“Y/N,” Harry’s distinct voice carries through the phone to me and it has the same effect as always. I instantly unclench my shoulders but stay on guard. Why was he calling me?

“Harry,” I clear my throat. “What...why are you calling?”

“Um, I don’t know if you’ve been on Twitter and seen the shots...my publicist asked me to reach out to you because...” I almost laugh. Of course it was just business. Why did I think Harry was calling for me. About us. “...and if you can just lay low for a bit. He was saying...”

I zone out again to Harry’s quiet tone. He was probably with his publicist now. I wondered how much heat he was in. I glance at the picture again, trying to see what the outside world saw. It was intimate, I had to admit. Harry’s hand balanced on the wall I was leaning on. His eyes are trained on me and so is what you can see of mine. You can tell we knew each other, Jules would even call that gazing. I wonder what Katy thought. Why did I even care!

“If all you’re calling is to tell me to wait for the photos to calm down, you don’t have to worry.” I cut Harry off. “I’m not famous or anything, that’s your job remember?”

There’s silence on his end, I hear a whisper somewhere-was I on speakerphone?

“Ah great. Thank you Y/N, I owe you.”

“Don’t bother,” I hang up, ignoring the sting.

***

There were some days that just felt harder than others, and I wasn’t sure where it came from, but I could barely get out of bed the next few days. My job search felt useless, I felt so lonely and used, I didn’t know why I couldn’t move on from my past. Why I was sabotaging my future like this.

It was 2pm and I had gotten up for a late breakfast before hiding under the covers again. London was rainy and I couldn’t be bothered.

Jules calls me after work, by then the sun was a lot lower in the sky and my stomach was starting to grumble in hunger. “I’m buying you a get well dinner, I’m swinging by in twenty and you better be ready.” Jules was no nonsense.

“But I really-“

“No butts except yours in a cute outfit. I’ll call you when I’m there.”

***

“Jules this is fancy,” I gasp when we pull up to a dimly lit restaurant I knew was owned by a celebrity chef.

“Don’t worry, it’s on me. I can smell the fact you didn’t take a shower recently, so I know you’ve been in bed all day. You need this.”

Tears spring to my eyes and I pull Jules into a tight hug. “I’d be in a ditch somewhere without you.”

Everything is going perfectly, I even begin to feel myself relaxing and forgetting about my worries temporarily. But it’s like the universe really couldn’t give me a break.

“Don’t look right now,” Jules says as she casts her eyes to our dessert. “But the devil himself just walked in with your doppleganger.”

“What?” I whisper. “Are you kidding? Here?”

“Shh,” Jules switches to a laugh and launches into a story as if she were midway through it. “So I’ll be doing casts of people’s heads next week and-Harry hi!”

I slowly turn, the blood rushing to my head, pounding against my ears. He’s in a stylish black button up and perfectly tailored trousers, his hand holds Katy’s who is wearing a fitted checkered dress. Her eyes meet mine and I attempt to smile but she looks away-so much for being friendly.

“Jules, Y/N, what a surprise. To bump into you two here.” Harry sounds closed off.

“We’re celebrating, so I picked the fanciest place I know. You can join in the celebration if you want?” Jules says cheerily.

I kick Jules under the table but she barely glances at me, still smiling up at Harry. I finally look at Harry and he’s watching me. Our eyes meet for one, two, three seconds, and he breaks contact.

“Best not to, what with all the stories right now...it was nice uhm seeing you ladies.” Harry looks nervous, his other hand running through his hair before he trails after the waiter who’s showing them to their table.

“What was that?” I hiss at Jules. I don’t bother even responding to Harry. He wanted to make it business so I would keep my personal feelings out.

“It’s so obvious Harry and his girl are one date away from breaking up.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Did you not see the same couple I saw?” Jules exclaims. “Mega. Tension.”

I eye them again from where I sit, no one’s smiling or talking. They stare at their menus. Then suddenly, Harry looks to the side and our eyes meet. Shit.

“Can we change the topic?” I ask, my body is breaking out in a sweat and I couldn’t piece together what I felt. Why I still felt a connection with Harry when he thought he was too good for me or why every inch of my body was aware of Harry in the room.

Jules changes the topic as requested and the rest of the evening is spent on edge. I turn down Jules’ offer to get drinks. I just wanted to be alone; today had been a roller coaster. And I was tired, I don’t even change when I get home. I simply collapse onto the couch and turn on the TV.

But at midnight on the dot, I receive a text.

I know I don’t deserve to ask, but can I see you? -H

I cross check the number to the one that called me before and it’s the same. This was Harry, wanting to see me. But after how he’d treated me-not even how he left me, but the way he played with me at the club and then left it strictly business on the phone, I didn’t want to deal with him.

You’re right, you don’t deserve to ask, I respond. I had to have some self respect if I wanted to move on from this part of my life.

I just need to explain, please? I’ll leave you alone after this if that’s what you want.

It was like holding my breath underwater knowing I’d come up for air eventually. It was just a matter of when I’d crumble. After re-reading his text, I come up for air. I let him know the door was unlocked, he knew this flat inside out. He knew where to come if he wanted to talk. And I swore I’d just let him talk and then take him up on his offer to leave me alone.

It was as if he were in the lobby because I hear the door open a few minutes later.

“Were you downstairs the whole time?” I ask as he walks in, his magnetism undeniable.

“Uh,” he pauses by the doorway. “I guess I should have given it a few before I charged up?”

I shake my head, fighting back a smile. Harry was never a good liar, but a very good charmer.

“Do you want a drink?” I ask out of habit.

“Ah no...no. Y/N...I just want to explain some things.”

I sit back down and Harry walks over tentatively, perching on the sofa himself, his long legs stretching out. It was weird seeing him back here.

“What did you want to say?” I ask.

“Firstly, that I’m an idiot and I’m sorry.” He looks down at his hands, barely making eye contact. “I regret so many things but the way I treated you is number one. Everything’s just a bloody mess and I keep getting deeper into this pile of shite I created.”

I raise my eyebrow, where was he going with this.

“Right so I...I had to call you that day, about those photos. I really didn’t care if people saw you with me or not but I realised if they found out who you were, you may not get any peace so that’s the only reason I agreed to call you when my manager said I should-“

“Yeah since I’m not cut out for fame, right?”

“No, no tha...” Harry sighs, I was being petty and I knew it. I ease up and let him continue. “That’s not it. I didn’t want you to be harassed every time you stepped out. But what I was trying to say is...Y/N I’m sorry for the way I ended things. It was a shitshow-“

“That’s right,” I interrupt, I couldn’t help it. “It cheapened the whole relationship. Harry I don’t even know who you are or what you want with me anymore. You claimed you were too good for me, I was holding you back-“

“I didn’t mean any of it! I heard you that day.” Harry stops my rambling. “I heard you on the phone with your mum, saying you were thinking of deferring your last semester to join me on tour. It killed me! I knew you were going to do it. But I would hear you talking about your studies and...you love what you do-but you were willing to put it aside to be with me? I couldn’t let you do that. I’m not worth that Y/N. And I tried to word it but you know how shite I am at words. It was a slippery slope and before I knew it you were angry at me at something I didn’t even mean. But it was better that, than you going on tour and realising you didn’t want to be with me and realising you’d wasted your year for nothing.”

The silence that follows his confession is loaded. I can barely swallow. But I can see his relief at unloading, the burden lifts from his shoulders, he finally looks at me with hesitance. But the burden settles on my own shoulders. All this time, all the weeks turned to months I had felt my lowest and this breakup had just added to it...it was all just a misunderstanding, a way for Harry to push me away because he thought he was protecting me. Where did that leave me? Leave us?

“Why are you telling me this now?” I choke out, tears threatening to fall.

“Because I realised...I realised I still love you. I bloody love you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Katy is a wonderful woman but she was a stand-in...I was only looking for you. I...” Harry gets up and walks over to the window to catch his breath. “I’m ashamed it took me this long to realise I was dating your lookalike. She looked just like you Y/N, how did I not see that? I was just trying to hold onto you.”

He turns to me and his eyes have a wild look, I can’t imagine all the trouble he’d gotten in since those photos. With his team and his girlfriend. And here he didn’t even know his girlfriend was just a lookalike. He literally went out and dated my lookalike and he hadn’t even realised! The thought bursts my tension like a bubble, a giggle escapes me and Harry furrows his brows.

“Are you laughing?” He asks. Which sends me into a full blown laugh. The reality of what happened between us settles over me, I feel a sense of clarity. All this anger and hurt I’d held onto for so long was just Harry’s fucked up insecurity pushing me away. He never meant a thing. And I feel lighter than I had in forever: He didn’t hate me, I was enough for him.

“I-you didn’t even...” my words trail off as I’m overtaken by more laughter. “When did you realise she looked-“ I manage to get out.

Harry begins chuckling at this point as he sits back down, closer to me than before.

“Well as soon as I saw the two of you side by side that night. I knew I fucked up.”

I fall back and laugh harder, but as I catch my breath again, a sob bubbles up in it’s place and pretty soon my laughing fit has turned into crying.

Harry looks on, confused by my manic descension. “Y/N...” he sounds unsure.

“Jesus, Styles, You put me through hell.” I say as I gain control of myself again, taking a few breaths to calm down. “I was at my lowest because of you. I was barely living here.”

Harry moves back, “I’m sorry Y/N. You don’t know how sorry I am. I hated myself for doing that to you. And I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you if I have to.”

“How?” I demand. “We’re on two different paths remember? And you’re dating Katy.”

“We broke up after those pictures,” Harry moves closer to me again. “We just had to keep up pretense for the paps. And who bloody cares if we’re on two different paths. We’ll build a bridge or something. We’ll make it work.”

Harry’s voices grows deeper as he moves in closer, lowered so I couldn’t hear it if I were across the room. I don’t stop the smile overtaking my face, I’d felt ungrounded for so long. Harry being here, promising me a future where we can make it work, it felt like my old roots were finding me again. I feel myself shedding the darkness I’d been clouded under for so long.

“You’re radiant,” Harry gazes at me, his hand coming up to the side of my face and I feel the heat rush to my face.

“You’re charming,” I try not to give in too easily but he made it difficult with the way he grins, his eyes drifting to my lips.

“As for how I can make it up to you,” Harry whispers to them before he looks back up at me. “I can think of a few ways.”

He slowly leans the rest of the way in and every one of my senses are overwhelmed as he kisses me the way he always did. The way he was always meant to. The way we always would.

I wasn’t too fussy. With each kiss Harry leaves across my face, my neck, my body, I forgive him a little more until there’s just me and him and nothing else between us.

[booksarelife-stuff]

The Story of Us-Chapter 4

Jily (James Potter/ Lily Evans), minor wolfstar

Word Count: 2,566

Modern Muggle AU. When Lily Evans meets the man across the hall due to a fire alarm, she has no idea that a new chapter of her life has begun. Featuring a librarian Lily and sports journalist James.

Masterlist      Read on A03      Chapter 5

Chapter 4- there’s glitter on the floor after the party

Lily decided to come in a little early to James’s flat to see if he needed any help. When she knocked, she expected James, not the tall man with shoulder length curly hair and the brightest blue eyes she had ever seen. 

“You must be Lily,” he said, charm oozing out of her voice. 

“Let me guess,” Lily replied. “Sirius?”

“So he’s told you about me?” he said, raising his eyebrows. 

“And he’s told you about me?” Lily fired back. Sirius smiled and stepped out of the way, gesturing her in with an extension of his arm. 

Buttercream meowed loudly from James’s couch. Lily knew she’d get his ginger fur on her black sweater if she picked him up, but she determined it would be worth it. She set the bottle wine she brought down and scooped up Buttercream who started purring loudly in her arms. 

“He likes you?” Sirius asked, closing the front door.

“Buttercream?” Lily asked, turning around to face him. “Yeah. I give him the best pets.”

Lily continued on petting Buttercream. 

“So, you’re the one who has been indulging James with period pieces?” Sirius asked, he leaned against the door, crossing his arms. 

“That would be me,” she said. “Unless he’s watching Outlander with another Lily.”

“Hmm,” he said. “He did tell me you were a spitfire.”

Lily glanced up at him. “I hope that’s a good thing.”

“It is,” Sirius said. 

“Where’s James?” 

“He’s getting ready,” Sirius said, nodding to James’s bedroom door. 

James had great timing as his bedroom door opened. He was fiddling with the buttons on his shirt, his taunt muscles showing on his dark skin. His hair was still damp, but Lily could see that the stubborn pieces in the back were already starting to stick up. 

Lily quickly averted her eyes, hoping her cheeks didn’t flush. 

“Sirius, do you think Lil—” James saw Lily standing there. “Oh hey! Do you like my shirt?”

Lily took along second, mostly to make James squirm for a second. It was a red flannel that he had rolled up the sleeves. He looked great in it. 

“Yeah, it’s fine,” she said. “Why would you care about what I think of your shirt?”

“Because it’s mostly your friends coming,” he said. “I want to make a good impression.”

“You’ve already met Remus and Marlene.”

“Yeah, but not in an official capacity!”

Lily rolled her eyes and turned back to Buttercream, who was snuggling against her neck. She sent him down and watched as Sirius strode over to James.

“James, aren’t you going to introduce us?” Sirius drawled. Lily could hear the smirk in his voice. 

“Ah yes. Lily, Sirius. Sirius, Lily.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Sirius said. He stepped forward and grabbed Lily’s hand and kissed it. She laughed at James’s grimace on his face. 

“Ever the flirt, like James said,” Lily said, laughing at the man. Sirius seemed unphased. 

“Flirting is part of my charm,” he said, shooting her a wink. “You’d think James would be better at it, seeing is how he spent his formative years with me.”

“I can flirt!” James said adamantly. “I just don’t do it to everything that moves.”

They started bickering and Lily grabbed the bottle wine and put it in his fridge. James had set out little appetizers for the guests who were coming. James had been really excited when Lily had told him that Remus and Marlene were going to come. Something about it made sure that James loved company and was probably a frequent partier in uni, though he had never told her that. 

There was a knock on the door and James stopped nagging Sirius about his “bloody loud music” and went to open the door. James opened it and there stood Remus, holding some board games and smiling. 

“Remus, nice to see you again. Come in,” James said, moving out of the way of the doorframe. Remus came in and he smiled at Lily. 

“Thank you for the invitation, James. The girls said I need to get out more,” he said. 

“Well, you’ve come to the right place,” Sirius said.

When Lily looked at Sirius, she could only think of one way to describe the look in his eyes as he looked upon Remus. Like a wolf, ready to devour. 

Remus looked up at him and he smiled again, though significantly less wider. 

“Oh I don’t believe I’ve met you,” Remus said, ever the polite one. “I’m Remus. I work  with Lily in the library.”

Sirius went and kissed his hand just as he did with Lily. Lily met James’s eyes and they both rolled it. 

“Lily, I think I need your help in the kitchen,” James said. She followed him as he walked past. The apartment was an open one, no walls to separate the kitchen in the living room, but it was centerly enough for her and James to quietly whisper. 

“I think my brother has set sights on your friend,” James whispered, sneaking a glance over there. Lily turned around and looked at them, watching the flush spread across Remus’s cheeks.

“I can tell,” Lily whispered back. “I think Remus is into it though. He hasn’t pulled away.”

“Leave it to Sirius to pick someone up before the party even starts.”

“He seems like the type to ditch you at the bar,” Lily said. James laughed a little.

“Yes, but chances are he’ll come. He tends to strike out a lot.”

Marlene came with Dorcas, her girlfriend of two years. They made a stunning pair, Lily always thought so. They both were tall enough to be models and had the looks for it as well. Dorcas’s dark skin and natural curls were something that had captured Marlene immediately when they met at an art show. 

Lily let James just embrace them. He fell into easy conversation with Marlene, as she was a football player in her uni days. Lily was talking to Dorcas when there was a soft knock on the door. 

“Oh, Mary!” James said, running to the door. He opened the door and embraced the woman standing there. Lily tried to not watch, but he hugged her tightly. 

“This is Mary! She’s the last one for today,” James said, pulling her in. Mary was beautiful. Her hair was purple but her makeup was flawless, He had bright colors on her eyes that made the deep brown ones shine. 

“Oi, Jamie! Why are you wearing red? I’ve told you a million times to wear colors that compliments your eyes!”

“Oh come off it,” James said, playfully shoving her. 

“I have a degree in this!” Mary said. “If you listened, you would have been fighting girls back for miles. Instead they run away because of your sense of fashion.”

Whatever knot that had been tightening in Lily’s chest loosened a bit at Mary’s words. 

James started introducing everyone to her. When he got to Lily, she watched Mary’s eyes sparkle. 

“You’re the one he hasn’t been shutting up about then?” she asked. “I feel like I already know you.”

Lily laughed a little, accepting her extended hand. 

“I’m not sure what he said,” Lily said. “I hope it’s only good things.”

“Oh, trust me,” she said. “I would have thought you hung the moon.”

“Alright you two,” James said. Lily smiled a little about the blush that was on his cheeks. 

They ate and got through three bottles of wine. They played games like Cards Against Humanity, Remus surprisingly winning with ease. 

James and Mary were engaged in a game of Twister. Lily was watching them by the back of the couch. Dorcas was calling out the moves while Marlene refereed, paying close attention. Remus was sneaking glances at Sirius, thinking he was being subtle. 

Sirius sauntered over to Lily, watching James twist around Mary to put his left hand on red. 

“Getting tipsy yet?” he asked, taking a sip of deep red in his cup. 

“I think I’m there,” she replied. She knew her cheeks were flushed and there was a fuzzy feeling in her head. 

“I may have to cut you off,” he said. 

“I can hold my own Black,” she replied. Sirius had given the colorful tale of he ended up getting adopted by James’ family and he kept his own last name to spite his mother. 

“Oh I know. It’s for Mary’s sake,” he whispered. Lily turned and looked at him. She wanted to wipe that all-knowing look off his face. 

“What does that mean?”

“I saw the daggers you shot Mary when she arrived.”

Lily took a big sip of her wine. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replied. Sirius draped his arm over Lily. 

“Helpful tip about my brother,” he whispered leaning in. “He loves with his whole heart. He gives it his all. And he has a one track mind.”

“Why are you telling me this?” she whispered, despite her heart rate picking up. 

“So you know that Mary is a friend. And James has no interest in her,” Sirius replied. 

Lily watched as Mary fell on the mat and Marlene called it a James victory. 

“I still don’t know why you’re telling me this,” Lily said, swallowing. 

James turned to Lily. 

“Lily I won!” he said, a face splitting grin on his face. She instantly matched his smile. 

“Good job, James!” she called back. 

“I hope you like living in denial. Please don’t hurt him,” Sirius whispered to her. 

“And don’t hurt Remus,” she replied. She turned and looked at Sirius, only to see his eyes shining. 

“Touche,” he said. He tipped his glass and finished what was left in his cup before walking away. 

James walked her way, sporting a big smile and two cookies. He handed Lily one. 

“What was Sirius talking to you about?” he asked, settling where the other man had been only seconds before. He didn’t get as close as him, but their elbows brushed. 

“Oh, just that he’s making eyes at Remus,” she replied. 

“Oh, I could tell!” James said, excitedly. “Though, Sirius doesn’t have the best track record.”

They watched as Sirius sat next to Remus on the floor as Marlene and Dorcas were playing Twister, Mary watching as Remus called the moves. 

“If he breaks Remus’s heart, you’ll be the first to feel my wrath,” Lily said. James chuckled. 

“How about I give you Sirius' address and help hide the body?” he offered instead. 

Lily sighed, dramatically, like she was actually considering this deal. 

“No, you get my wrath first,” she said. James lightly elbowed her. 

It fell silent, the only sound was the sounds of the twister mat and Remus’s calls. Marlene took this seriously, whether or not she was playing her girlfriend. 

“Have you gotten to chat with Mary much?” James asked. Her heart clenched. 

“A little. She seems great,” Lily said, hoping her tone didn’t betray her. 

“She is. She’s been like my little sister since school,” James said. “Always knew she would be a fashion designer, that one. Once after a game, she didn’t even tell me about my good job, just said ‘Those uniform colors are horrid’.”

Lily giggled. 

“I bet they were,” she said. 

As the party went on, Lily did bond with Mary over Project Runway and the fact that Lily’s skirt was made of suede. Remus and Sirius snuck out early, Remus leaving the board games he brought. Lily shared a knowing look with James. 

Mary left not too long after that. She hugged everyone and Lily hoped she would come back again. She was the life of the party and seemed to to get on with Dorcas and Marlene, who left not too long after that. 

Lily insisted on staying and helping him clean up, since Sirius had bailed on him. Lily was washing out everyone’s wine glasses while James was putting away the leftovers. 

“I love your friends,” he said, his voice quiet. 

“You all exchanged numbers,” Lily said. “I think they’re your friends now too.”

James chuckled, the sound low in his throat. It was probably the wine that made her incredibly attracted to the sound. 

“I suppose so,” he said. 

The sound of a phone vibrating on the table made Lily turn. It was hers. 

“It says Petunia is calling,” James said. 

“Oh shit,” Lily muttered. “Answer it for me and tell her I’ll be there in a second.”

Lily doesn't know what possessed her to allow James to answer the call to her sister while she washed the soap off her hands and dried them. But she just didn’t think. 

“Hello, Lily will be here in a second, she’s cleaning her hands,” James answered the phone pleasantly. 

Lily turned around to see James grimace at whatever Petunia was saying. She mouthed a “sorry” and reached for the phone. 

“Hey Tuney, I’m here,” she said, walking to James’s living room. 

“Who was that man?” Petunia asked. Lily could hear the sneer in her voice. 

“Nevermind him,” Lily said. “What are you calling about?”

Petunia only called for one of three reasons. One, Lily had pissed her off. Two, She felt the need to piss Lily off. Three, their mother made her. 

“To remind you of the engagement party next week for Vernon and I,” she said. Lily sighed. She had forgotten all about that. 

“Yes, I remember,” she lied. 

“Do you have your dress picked out? Remember it’s a black tie event. I won’t have you showing up in a sundress, like you did to Vernon’s birthday.”

Fuck, Lily thought. She didn’t have a dress. 

“Yes, Tuney. I will wear something appropriate.” 

“And your date?”

“My date?” she asked, her eyebrows scrunched together. Lily never remembered getting a plus one. 

“Lily, for God’s sake,” Petunia spat out. “I told you to bring a date! I don’t want you mingling too much with Vernon’s family and you need someone to occupy your time.”

“I don’t remember agreeing to that,” Lily said, shaking a little. She wanted nothing more to punch Petunia. 

“Well too bad. Date or you’re not coming. Ask the bloke who answered the phone,” Petunia said. “Unless he has bad manners.”

“Okay, I’ll take care of it Tuney,” Lily said with a sigh. 

Petunia hung up the phone without saying goodbye. Lily groaned loudly, slipping her phone into her pocket. 

“Everything good Evans?”James called out. He was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, leaning against the frame. 

“Yep, just peachy,” she replied. 

“Petunia is your sister right?” he asked, approaching her. 

“Sure is,” Lily replied. James stood in front of her, looking soft.

“What did she want?”

Lily sighed. She had explained to James vaguely about her relationship with Petunia. She didn’t want him to think she was less than, like Petunia had. 

“She was reminding me about her engagement party,” Lily said. “Which I did forget about. But it’s black-tie and I have to bring a date.”

James raised his eyebrows. 

“Why do you have to bring a date?”

“Tuney thinks I’m less likely to ruin things if I have someone with me,” Lily replied. 

“When’s the party?” James asked, pulling his phone out. 

“Next Saturday,” Lily replied. James smiled. 

“I’m free,” he said, turning his smile to Lily.

“You’ll be my date?” she asked. 

“Yep,” he said. 

“It’ll be boring.”

James rolled his eyes. 

“Not when you’re with me,” he said. 

[omoi-no-hoka]

Hey! I saw your blog today and I love it very much!! I see you're an open person so, I also have a question: HOW does one survive studying japanese at uni?? I'm in my first year and only my second (online haha) semester and we started out with Minna no nihongo 1 but we're supposed to finish Minna 2 by the end of this semester, same with Basic Kanji book 1 in the first sem and now Basic Kanji Book 2, all while also learning mostly of Japan's history and others in this semester. Exams will kill me

Hello! I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog! I am open to a fault lol. Let me recount my meandering journey through uni, illustrating my feelings through gifs of Noel Fielding because he is my celebrity crush.

Uni is such a difficult time for so many people, trying to figure out who you are now and who you want to be later. It wasn’t until my senior year that I realized what I wanted to do. I started writing out my university experience and it got super long, so allow me to just summarize my “Lessons Learned” here and you can read the rest if you want to know all the dirty deets lol. I double-majored in Japanese and English, so I think that my experience can perhaps be useful to people who are majoring in things other than Japanese as well. 

Hard-Learned Lessons from Uni

Do not choose a course of study because it is “practical.” Choose it because it is something you love. Seriously. Nothing is more important than this point. Do not choose a major because “I’ll make a lot of money” or “My parents are telling me this is good for me.” 

If you are learning multiple languages at once, you must give your brain time to organize what you learned from one language lesson before moving on to the next. You can do this by waiting a couple hours between lessons, getting up and walking around, studying one language in different space from the other, etc. Otherwise, it all becomes a terrible mess in your head.

It’s okay not to know what you want your career to be. It’s okay not to have a specific plan. Life works out one way or the other.

I know how expensive uni can be. (It’s been six years since I graduated and I’m still making hefty loan payments.) But don’t feel like you have to take a full courseload every single semester and graduated asap, particularly if the classes are hard and/or you are working. I took the maximum credit hours allowed every semester on top of working RIDICULOUS hours and it nearly killed me at one point. I’m not kidding. 

It is not unusual to have an identity crisis and/or mental breakdown. Take care of yourself. Know when you are nearing breaking point. Seek out the help of professionals. Most universities have psychiatrists and therapists that will see you very cheaply. 

Surround yourself with good people and look out for each other. 

Do not rely on substances to ease your suffering because sometimes the remedy becomes the malady. Not saying you should avoid all parties or anything square like that, but just don’t be one of those people that parties every night and gets in over their head. 

Let me preface this by stating that I’m an American, and our universities are stupid because they force us to take a ton of “general education” courses that are irrelevant to our majors, and many students spend their first couple years taking only a couple courses related to their majors and minors, and try to focus on getting those stupid gen eds out of the way. 

Year 1: Oh Shit, This Is Harder Than I Thought It Would Be

I come from a town of less than 2600 people. Our high school prepared its students for the following career paths:

joining the military (boys only)

becoming a farmer (boys only)

welding, carpentry, or other practical jobs (boys only)

becoming a housewife (girls only)

So basically I coasted through high school never having to study anything because it was one great big joke, only I thought I was like super duper smart because I was in the top five of my graduating class of 48. LOLLLLLLLLL

I entered university as a German major, Japanese minor. (Japanese was not offered as a major at my uni). I had never studied German previously, but I studied Spanish and French in high school and I just had this feeling that German and Japanese were the languages for me. 

The first semester, I had Japanese 101 and German 101 back to back, in the EXACT SAME CLASSROOM. I can’t stress enough how much of a mindfuck it was to go from thinking about Japanese for 50 minutes, having a 10 minute break, and then trying to switch your brain to German. IN THE SAME ROOM. It actually gave me headaches to try and make that mental jump. Managed to pull through the year with A’s in both, but German was much more of a challenge to me than Japanese. Which was really unexpected. 

I also flunked several gen eds because I didn’t give a shit about them and skipped them and got placed on academic probation and was nearly kicked out of uni because of my poor grades

Basically, I was such a weeb that I had watched enough anime with subtitles and sung along to enough anime songs that I had absorbed about 90% of the first year’s worth of Japanese vocab and grammar through osmosis. I really did have the power of God and anime on my side.

Year 2: The Year of the Mid-Midlife Crisis and Mental Breakdown

There really is no gif that will encapsulate the level of turmoil I went through that year. I looked really hard for one, trust me.

It became apparent very quickly that I could not keep up with German. I ended up dropping it early in the first semester, which meant I had to choose a new major. Thinking of what would be practical to pair with a Japanese minor, I went for International Business for a semester, took Accounting, and realized that I HATE The Man, corporate bullshit, and also numbers as a concept.

All I knew at this point was that I liked Japanese but couldn’t make it a major. I also knew I didn’t want to transfer universities. So I kept taking gen eds, just barely passing them because to this day I cannot bring myself to put effort into something I do not care about, and also taking more classes related to my Japanese minor. It was the Japanese classes that saved my GPA and kept me from getting kicked out of uni.

At the same time, I took a creative writing course because that’s been a hobby of mine since elementary school, and I kinda thought about an English major, but then was like, “Eww I don’t wanna be forced to read books I don’t give a shit about. And also, what will I do with that degree?”

Also, at the same time, I was working full time, and often getting stuck working from 2 pm to 7 am (Yes, 15-hour shifts, because the overnight dude would call in sick last minute and I’d be begged to cover his shift), and then dragging myself to classes and drooling on the desks because I’d fall asleep.

Also also, I started to have possible hallucinations? To this day I don’t know what was going on, but either I was legitimately going crazy, or there was a demon following me around and being quite rude to me, making light fixtures fall and shatter inches from my head, throwing papers around my room, opening and closing doors, turning lights off and on, coming to me in dreams and doing some really, really traumatic things to me in them, and just standing in corners staring at me at all hours of the night. Had me so scared that towards the end of the school year I was waiting to sleep until sunrise, when it would go away. And no, I was not using any mind-altering substances of any sort. Not even going out and getting drunk. 

So, yeah. Year Two was a hard one that I can’t believe I pushed through. Probably the darkest year of my life, I’d say. What got me through it? An unhealthy amount of energy drinks, friends, and my love of Japanese. Also Aerosmith.

Do I still see that demon? No. He vanished when the school year ended and I moved out of the dorms. Do I believe in the supernatural? Yes, to an extent. Do I think that what I was seeing was actually a demon? I honestly don’t know. I have had actual supernatural experiences verified by multiple witnesses, and a few years before Year 2, several friends and myself had seen an entity similar to what was following me around. But this one in Year 2 only did things when I was alone. So it could have all been in my head, and I will never know. 

Since then, I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and also a form of insomnia that keeps me from sleeping through the night, and I know that my anxiety manifests itself in psychosomatic ways. In other words, my mind will take my anxiety and turn it into a physical symptom that feels real in every way, but is actually not occurring. So far it’s manifested as: sensitivity to sunlight, the symptoms of a stroke or heart attack, half of my face going numb, and headaches in my left eye. Once I realize that the symptom is just my anxiety, I can force myself to ignore and overcome it. But then my anxiety finds a new form to manifest, and the cycle repeats a few months later. It could be that my stress caused me to see this demon for a while.

Should I have consulted a psychiatrist and gotten help? YEP. If you find yourself struggling like that, seek help please. 💕

Year 3: Adrift But Afloat

I moved out of the dorms and into an apartment with my best friend, a Japanese girl I met in the dorms freshman year. I will call her Setsuko. Setsuko is basically the reason I graduated uni. She memorized my class schedules and took copies of exam dates, woke me up, forced me to go classes instead of skipping, forced me to go to the library and study with her, and cooked me dinner most days since she didn’t have to work like I did. I can’t express enough how much she did to improve my life outside of school and work, and how much that improved my mental health. She also acclimated me to lots of subtle things about Japanese culture just by living with her, and this helped me later when I moved to Japan. Thank you, Setsuko. 一生の恩人。

I was still doing those bullshit 15-hour overnight shifts way more than I should have, and also had the maximum courseload.

The Japanese classes got a lot more difficult in Year 3. But I loved them. They were the only classes I never skipped. I took more classes towards the minor like Buddhist Philosophy and Japanese History, which I really enjoyed. While polishing off more gen eds, I thought over what to do with my major. 

My family and friends all told me that I should become an English teacher. I had always been good at words and at explaining things. But I didn’t really like the idea of being a high school teacher. I became an English major, though, because I knew that I didn’t hate English. Took grammar classes and HOLY SHIT did I hit my stride.

I realized that I didn’t like English lit. I liked linguistics. So I focused heavily on all grammar and linguistics courses, taking the bare minimum of literature courses required for the major. My GPA improved substantially. 

Yet I still was consumed with this nagging fear. It was Year 3 and I still had no fucking idea what I wanted to do when I graduated.

Year 4: Clarity At The 11th Hour

Urged on by my “Don’t you dare get one of those stupid arts degrees that won’t get you a paycheck” parents, I decided that the most “practical” degree would not be “English,” but “English Education.” I began taking the English Ed classes with linguistics, grammar, and second language acquisition classes. The goal was to become a qualified English high school teacher who could also do ESL (since I had Spanish and Japanese under my belt more or less). 

At the same time, I entered into Independent Study for Japanese with two other students. We were tasked with reading Izu no Odoriko, a classic short story. Independent study was its own beast. It required a lot more concentration and work on my part, obviously. But because Japanese was my first and foremost passion, I centered my efforts on those courses, and then on the others.

The process of getting certified to be an English teacher was lengthy and expensive in my state. This meant my graduation would be further prolonged, and I was worried about money, because I was already about $50,000 in debt at the time, despite working those fucking overnight shifts all the time that were eating me alive.

Then, during the summer vacation when my 4th year ended, I got a scholarship and went to Japan to study abroad. Education majors had the option to study abroad in several countries, and as luck would have it, one of them was Japan, and it was Setsuko’s HOMETOWN! The study abroad program itself was the first month of summer vacation, and Setsuko said, “Okay, just come stay at my house for the rest of summer vacation!”

Never have I said “yes” quicker in my entire life.

On the train headed from Sapporo to the town where I would be actually staying during my studies, I looked at the lush rice paddies and mountains in the distance and my entire heart just hummed with this “This is where you’re meant to be.” I knew then and there that I would move to Japan upon graduation.

What would I do there? Well, teach English, obviously.

My three months in Japan effectively aligned my entire life. My path had materialized before me. It was a roughly hacked, hard-to-see path through thick underbrush, but I could see it nonetheless. 

Year 5: Let’s Hurry It Up, I’m Ready To Live

Come Year 5, all of my Japanese classmates that had been with me since freshman year were gone and I was alone. My professor taught me Classical Japanese through independent study, and it was the must grueling course I took my entire five years there. But I found it invaluable and am eternally grateful to him for teaching me, because you see Classical Japanese a lot more than you’d think you would in everyday life. Particularly in formal settings. 

I still wanted to get certified to teach English in American high schools, because while I knew I wanted to go to Japan for now, I didn’t know if I wanted to spend my entire life there and I wanted a solid job opportunity when I came back to the states at some point.

However, the more education courses I took, the more I saw that the American education system was just as full of red-tape and The Man’s bullshit as corporate America, something else I rebuke with every fiber of my being. I also realized I’d need to take a 6th year of university, and that just wasn’t financially feasible for me. So I switched to a plain old English major with a heavy focus on linguistics and second language acquisition, and continued classical Japanese. 

I took the remaining 3 gen eds online in the summer, graduated, popped up to Chicago to do a month-long intensive course to get the CELTA (Certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages issued by Cambridge.) It’s the most widely accepted and revered certification for teaching English as a foreign language.

So in the span of five years, I graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in English with a focus in linguistics and SLA, and what is technically a major in Japanese Studies. 40 credit hours were required for a major, and I completed 42 credit hours tied to my minor, so while it isn’t listed on my diploma as a major, I did the coursework. I also got a CELTA Pass B, which only 20% of applicants achieve and never expires. The grand total for all of this was roughly $100,000 USD in loans.

Post-Graduation

The week I came back to my hometown from Chicago with my CELTA in hand, I packed my suitcases, threw a going-away party, and then flew to Sapporo, where I began my first job after uni, teaching English to children aged 0-18 at a private English conversation school. I did that for three years before changing careers and becoming a Japanese-English translator/interpreter for a global company. 

So how useful have my choices during university proven to be?

I’m sure I don’t have to explain that studying Japanese helps me tons with translating Japanese to English or living in Japan lol

Studying English grammar, linguistics, sociolinguistics, and second language acquisition has allowed me to recognize minute nuances that can make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful business negotiation when interpretation is necessary.

My background in education also means that I know how to present information clearly, concisely, and in a way that engages the audience. I am known as “The PowerPoint Pro” at work lol. 

I also have a keen eye for performance evaluation, behavior analysis, and improvement action plans. 

I offered English conversation lessons to coworkers for over a year, and now that is being done in other branches across the company! (Well, they were before COVID haha.) 

I DO NOT RECOMMEND WORKING THE HOURS I WORKED WHILE IN SCHOOL. My grades suffered and I wish I had worked less and focused more on classes. However, by working 15-hour shifts and doing full days of classes, I developed a very good tolerance for overtime, which comes in handy in the Japanese workplace. Just last month I had three 15 hour days in the same week. Sweet, sweet overtime pay. 

All of these facets have culminated in me earning a pretty nice promotion to 正社員 seishain back in February, which means I get nice benefits and basically my job is guaranteed until I die or the company goes under.

Should I decide to return to America someday, I will probably not go into the education field. Too much red tape. I will likely continue translation/interpretation for companies, because it isn’t too difficult and pays well. Though ideally I’d love to just make a living sharing cool information about Japanese and stuff, and maybe writing those stories that are bouncing around in my head when I should be working haha.

Do I think the debt is worth it?

Well, I don’t think I had any other option than to take out those loans. I didn’t have the means to learn the things I wanted to learn unless I went to university. 

Unless Japanese work visa requirements have changed, you are required to have a bachelor’s degree in order to obtain my sub-type of work-visa, so I needed a degree of some kind no matter what. 

Frankly, if I hadn’t gone to that university and met my best friend Setsuko, I don’t think I’d be where I am right now, living the life I am now. So just having met her is worth any price to me. 

Paying off all the loans is daunting, especially when yen is weak to the dollar. There were months I had to ask my parents for help, especially early on. But now I’ve got multiple loans paid off, my salary has increased, and the “omg i have money and no supervision so I can buy whatever I want” idiocy has mostly gone away. But I did get a super sweet pair of blindingly silver Converses a couple days ago that I definitely didn’t need

Do I have any regrets regarding my time at university?

I still regret dropping Old English for a stupid English Ed class. Seriously, how cool would that have been? But I still have the textbook, workbook, and I contacted the professor last week and she was kind enough to send me a syllabus. God bless her. So now I’m working on that bit by bit, which is fun.

I wish I hadn’t been such a cocky, naive idiot my first year. Thinking I could just “show up for tests” was the stupidest thing. It messed up my GPA, and my parents forbade me from retaking classes so I couldn’t go back and fix my mistakes. I think I graduated with a 3.4 overall GPA out of 4, but my English major GPA was 3.9 and my Japanese GPA was 4.0. So it’s pretty frustrating to have those gen eds and my dumbfuckery mar my transcript like that.

I really didn’t party at all. Most all of my friends were straight-laced Japanese exchange students, and I was also working ridiculous hours so I just didn’t really have the time. A part of me feels like I missed out on that part of the college experience.

Recently I’ve been putting more effort into improving my creative writing by reading a lot of books on the subject. Not a small part of me wishes that I had gone with a Creative Writing major instead of English major, because I still would have studied all the grammar and linguistics. Then again, I do believe that creative writing can be self-taught.

I wish I hadn’t worked as much as I did. There were a lot of times I couldn’t complete assignments or I missed lectures because I was just so drained. It wasn’t even good money.

Well...I did not intend for this post to become as long as it has. I’ve been cooped up in my apartment with nothing but two goldfish for company for over a month now and I think I’m a bit stir-crazy. Thank you to anyone and everyone who bothered to read all of this and become my therapist for a bit haha. Love you all. Stay safe and well. 💖

[winryofresembool]

Things We Lost in the Fire, ch 10

aka Caleo uni au

Fic summary: Calypso starts studying at a new university, but to her annoyance her new flatmate is a loud mouthed mechanic who also likes to sneak his dog in whenever. But as she learns to know him better, she realizes they might have more in common than what she first thought. Eventually, even the darkest secrets come out…

Chapter summary:  Calypso meets Leo's family members.

A/N: Not much to say this time. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! There are a couple of very fluffy Caleo centered chapters coming up after this but then we'll finally get to see some drama too.

Don't forget that I love to read even the shortest of comments!!

Characters in this ch: Calypso, Leo, Jo, Georgina

Words: 2058

Genre: romance & hurt/comfort

Warnings: none

previous chapter / next chapter / AO3

...

Calypso was in the middle of doing research for a university group project when the doorbell rang, startling her. The only people who used it were some fellow students living in the same building who tried to invite them to some event (Calypso usually politely declined. In her opinion there were better ways to make friends than loud parties where you couldn’t hear the others and they wouldn’t even be remembering you the next day). In that moment she wasn’t expecting any guests and Leo would naturally be using his own keys when he’d be back from wherever he was. For one, paranoid moment Calypso considered the option that her father had somehow found out about this flat, but then she decided to go see who it was because maybe Leo had simply forgotten his keys and someone had let him in, or something.

She sighed of relief when she saw an elderly dark skinned, short haired woman with a young, tall girl next to her. She was wearing denim overalls and a white shirt and the smile on her face somehow reminded Calypso of Leo even though the two of them weren’t biologically related. In her hands she was holding a leash that belonged to a huge German shepherd. They must have been Leo’s family members.

“Hello,” she greeted when opening the door for the newcomers.

“Oh, hello,” the woman answered, apparently slightly surprised to see Calypso. “Isn’t Leo home?” She tilted her head towards his room as if trying to hear the usual clanking of tools from there. “I’m afraid not, miss. He had to run some errands or something,” Calypso replied, adjusting the cuffs of her white shirt nervously.

“That’s quite unlike him,” the woman noted. “He’s never late when it comes to Festus. Anyway, I’m sorry, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Josephine, but you can call me Jo. I assume you’re Leo’s new flatmate?” she asked in the same breath.

Calypso extended her arm for Jo, hoping she wouldn’t notice her nervousness.

“Yes, I’m Calypso. It’s nice to meet you, Jo! Leo has talked a lot about you. And you’re probably Georgina?” she asked the girl.

“That’s me,” she nodded happily. “And we have Festus with us!”

“I can see that.” Calypso smiled back at the girl, letting the dog sniff her.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Jo interrupted. “I’m sure you’re not too happy with him after what happened the last time he was here. Leo told us all about it.”

“It’s… it’s OK,” Calypso managed to say. “If I’m honest, I was more annoyed at Leo than Festus back then. He was responsible for him, after all.” Then she realized the guests were still standing in the hallway. “Sorry, please come in. I’m sure Leo will be here soon if you told him you’re coming.”

Calypso showed the duo where they could leave their coats and then led them to the living room sofas where they could chat more comfortably.

“I hope you have talked things out, though?” Jo asked once they sat down, eyeing Calypso mildly worriedly. “He’s a good kid, just very enthusiastic about mechanics and good at getting distracted.”

“Hmm, yes, we’ve had a couple of good talks,” Calypso replied, but decided it was better to leave the other day’s brief handholding out of this conversation. After all, she herself wasn’t sure what to think of it. “I do also have to give him some credit for fixing the desk.”

“Sounds like our boy has done something right,” Jo said approvingly. “He’s… very different from what he used to be when we adopted him.”

“Really?” Calypso asked, curiosity getting the better of her. “What do you mean with that?”

“Well…” Jo started carefully. “I’m sure you know he’s still pretty restless, always going places, but back then he quite literally didn’t know what to do with himself. He had no plans and he was acting borderline suicidal, trying to drown his feelings in wrong ways instead of dealing with them."

“I didn't know…” Calypso started, but Jo stopped her.

“Before you judge him too hard, though, know that he did that because he had been through a lot and was screaming for help. Somehow we managed to give him that, and after a couple of months of living with us he was already doing a bit better and kept progressing all the time. We would trust our lives with him. He also refound his love for tinkering – her real mother was a mechanic too and he had learned a lot from her in his childhood – and decided that he wanted to follow both her and my footsteps. I know he’s embarrassed when I say this out loud but we really are proud of him.”

“That’s… that’s great,” Calypso said, a bit overwhelmed by this load of information. Not knowing what else to say, she decided to focus on Festus and scratch behind the dog’s ear. He seemed to accept her surprisingly fast.

“Look, mom, Festus lets her pet him!” Georgina pointed out to Jo. “Every time I bring friends home we have to tie him because he’s always a bit too enthusiastic with new people…”

“That’s right, looks like he really likes you, Calypso.” Jo nodded. “He isn’t usually this calm with strangers.”

“Maybe he doesn’t consider me a stranger anymore now that he’s already broken my desk,” Calypso attempted to joke.

“Hah, maybe,” Georgina chuckled. Calypso was finally starting to relax a bit among the new people when the group heard key sounds from behind the door and only a moment later Leo fumbled in with a lot of bags in his hands.

"Hola, Jo! I mi hermanita!" he said instantly when he noticed the newcomers. “Sorry I’m late, the traffic was murder. I swear, people are getting more and more idiotic with their cars every day…” He shook his head at no one really.

“No worries, Calypso has kept us company meanwhile,” Georgina said and let Festus run to his owner.

“Hi boy, have you been good?” he cooed as Festus ran and jumped around him excitedly. “Has Georgie remembered to feed you?”

“I so have, why would you even question that?” Georgina retorted back. “And I’m not yourhermanita, I will be taller than you when I’m older!”

“Georgie always likes to put me back to earth,” Leo addressed Calypso who had been following the situation with amusement. “You may be right but that doesn't mean it doesn’t hurt.” He said to Georgina then, clutching his heart dramatically.

“Drama queen,” the girl stuck her tongue out at him, only getting a chuckle and a head pat as a response.

“Would you like something to eat or drink?” Calypso asked the guests, interrupting the playful banter. “I imagine Leo rarely offers anything but I have some juice and tea and even some pie in the freezer.” Leo gave her a side eye but Georgina was immediately tempted.

“Yay! Mom, can we please stay?” she asked, making some impressive puppy eyes.

“We need to go back home soon because I still have some chores to do, but sure, I guess we can stay for one cup,” Jo agreed and got an approving smile from her daughter. Before Calypso had time to go and prepare the snack for the guests, though, Leo pulled her to the side and asked:

“Uh, hey, are you OK with this? Festus staying here? I mean, I should have asked you first before letting them bring him here…”

“Yes, I want to kick them all out right now, as you can see,” Calypso answered sarcastically. “No, Leo, it’s fine. I appreciate your concern. Just keep him out of my room when I’m trying to do my assignments and we are good.” She even managed to give him a small smile.

“Okay. Thanks. I’ll try to do that,” Leo grinned back and let Calypso go back to getting her pie from the freezer.

…

“Wow Calypso, you’re good at baking!” Georgina announced after taking a few bites from the strawberry pie. “My moms have tried to teach me but I don’t think I’m very good at it… I always forget some ingredient or leave it in the oven for too long or something…”

“She’s her brother’s sister, I’ve always had a hard time following recipes too,” Leo noted. “But don’t worry, Georgie, I’m better at it now so I’m sure you can do it too.”

“Yeah,onii-chan, because if you can do it, anyone can.”

“Who has taught you to be so mean, miss Weeaboo?” Leo asked, but didn’t seem to actually mind his adopted sister’s words.

“Hmm, I wonder who,” Calypso interrupted, then turning Georgina. “If you want to, I can try to help you some time. If that’s fine with your mothers, of course.”

“We don’t have any problem with that!” Jo said reassuringly. “As long as it’s not too much work for you.”

“Oh, no, it’s not,” Calypso promised. “I haven’t found a new job yet so I do have some time after I’ve finished my university work.”

“In that case I’ll allow it,” Jo nodded. “Maybe Leo can take you with him some time when he comes home.”

Calypso had to consider that idea for a moment. She and Leo may have been flatmates but there was still plenty they didn’t know about each other and visiting the other’s childhood home (even if he had moved there only after turning 15) felt like taking the ‘next step’. And she had just met these people. But she had been the one to suggest baking in the first place, and when Georgina kept looking at her expectantly, she couldn’t deny the girl the opportunity.

“Yeah, maybe,” she replied, and Georgina’s grateful smile widened.

After that the group moved to other topics. Calypso told Leo’s family what she studied and Jo explained what she and Emmie did at the Waystation. They had a small farm and a mechanic business in the same space and they also fostered animals and even allowed travelers to stay a night in one of the wings of the big building. It sounded like a safe haven for those in need of a place like that and Calypso found herself more and more interested in seeing it with her own eyes.

Soon Jo and Georgina had to leave, though, leaving the flatmates alone.

“What do you think?” Leo asked curiously when Calypso started collecting the dishes.

“I think they’re great people,” Calypso answered a bit absent-mindedly. “You’re lucky to have found someone like them.”

She turned to see Leo’s reaction and to her surprise she saw a bit of hurt in his eyes.

“Yeah… Lucky…” he said, thinking about something Calypso no idea of. “But it was quite a hell-ish road there…”

Calypso remembered what Jo had told about his state before they had managed to intervene and also some bits and pieces she had gotten from her earlier conversations with Leo and his friends. He had been through a lot and she shouldn’t feel jealousy about his new family just because he had found some stability in the past few years. He understood what it felt like to have a broken family probably even better than she did…

Leo seemed to have picked on Calypso’s mood shift so he hurried to add: “But you know what they say? Mi familia es tu familia. You heard them; you’re welcome to come with me any time you’d like.” Calypso was still a bit hesitant about the thought of her going to Leo’s family home but after talking with Jo and Georgina, she had started thinking maybe it wouldn’t be that bad an idea.

“I’ll consider that offer,” Calypso said, smiling shyly. “After all, it would be a shame to disappoint Georgina!”

“Her… or me too?” Leo asked twinkle in his eye, which, to Calypso’s annoyance, worked better than it should have.

“Only her, of course,” she answered coolly. “Why on earth would I disappoint you? And a better question, why would I care?”

“No reason,” Leo grinned, probably sensing the hidden undertones in her answer. “Just asking.”

When the two of them split to continue their own chores, Calypso wondered in her mind if she had really promised that just for Georgina… or maybe a bit (just a little) for Leo too.

[thejilyship]

No Charge

Alright, so I wrote this fic for jilytober, but it kind of got lost in the flood of amazing fics that everyone puts out at the end of the month, and when I went back and read it, I wasn’t thrilled, so I decided to edit it tonight, because @women-inthe-sequel and I were geeking about fem!james recently and I after I started editing it, I saw even more people talking about fem!james, and I just think that everyone should be talking about it because jily can only be improved by them being lesbians. Obviously. 

Anyway: “Bartender!AU where the bartender says ‘we don’t charge pretty girls here’ and is then super embarrassed.”

wc: 2k

ff.net | ao3

Jamie Euphemia Potter sometimes worked at a small pub down by the river. Her friend, Emmeline Vance technically worked there, but sometimes she couldn’t come in to work her shift, because her kid was sick, or her babysitter canceled. James had worked there during her days at uni, and now, since it was off season and she wasn’t traveling to play games, she had offered to cover any shifts that Emmeline needed her too.

She was feeling nostalgic as she wiped down the counters, remembering all the times she’d gotten to throw grown men out on their arses because they were too drunk and had run up their tabs too high. She remembered all the hot wing eating contests between her and Sirius and whoever else wanted to try and out eat them. She remembered her and Remus hustling just about everyone at pool and darts. Her and Peter’s rendition of Somebody to Love had left no one wanting for... well they had all wanted them to stop singing actually.

They had had fun here and she was having fun remembering all of it.

The shifts were easy enough, making all the drink orders came back to her like riding a bike, and some of the regulars remembered her and made friendly conversation, something that made the clock tick by faster.

Enter the redhead.

Lily Jane Evans was new to town. Jamie knew that because her old boss, who was also the other bartender, had talked to Lily the first time she’d come into the bar, and then answered all of Jamie’s questions rather patiently.

Well, he had been patient to a point.

“Just go and talk to her yourself, Jamie.” Benjy said, picking up the cash box to take to the back office. “I only spoke with her for like, five minutes. Not even.  She’s friendly, I’m sure she won’t bite your head off. Though I’ll likely to if you don’t shut up soon.”  

Jamie huffed. “I can’t just go and talk to her.”

“Actually, it’s your job. Go and get her order and ask her your weird stalker questions directly.”

“Fuck off,” Jamie muttered, causing Benjy to laugh at her before he turned around and walked away. The two of them had always gotten on well.

Jamie looked down at the end of the bar where Lily was sitting. She started chewing on her thumb nail as she watched Lily twirl a stray coaster that someone had left on the counter. Her red hair fell in curls, stopping just below her shoulders. Her eyes were wide, round and a beautiful green. There was a light smattering of freckles over her skin, so light that if you weren’t staring at her as intensely as Jamie was, you probably wouldn’t notice them. Long thick lashes, a slender nose that was slightly turned up at the end, and her lips…

Jamie cleared her throat and forced herself to stop staring at the strangers mouth.

Apparently she wasn’t done staring in general though.

She had a bag with her, it was leaning up against the bottom of the stool that she was sitting on and Jamie could see a laptop peeking out of it, a few notebooks, a very fluffy pink pen and when she looked back up at Lily’s face, she realized that she had been caught staring.

Which wasn’t really a surprise now was it. Jamie still flushed.

Lily’s bright green eyes were looking at her curiously, probably wondering why on earth the bartender was staring at her instead of walking down to get her drink order.

Jamie grabbed a rag and started wiping off the counter in front of her to make it look like she was busy. Then she rearranged some of the glasses before she ambled on down to the far end of the bar. This wasn’t a fantastic tactic since she hadn’t been doing anything when Lily had first looked up at her. The look on Lily’s face let her know that it had been a shite plan.

“Evening,” She said, rubbing her palms together before she rested them flat against the bar top and leaned forward, not sure if she was showcasing any particular asset or just going with a pose that would show off whatever Lily might want to look at. If she wanted to look at anything. She might be here to meet a boyfriend or she might think Jamie had been rude instead of stupid. “What can I get you?”

Lily pursed her lips slightly, lips that had been painted a candy pink color, like starbursts. The pink ones were Jamie’s favorite.

“You seem awfully busy. I don’t want to bother you.” Lily looked down the empty bar and Jamie’s heart gave a leap. Not because she was being called out though, but because this girl came to play.

“I always appear to be the busiest when I get caught staring at the customers.” She shrugged a shoulder and pulled the rag down again, wiping down the counter in front of Lily now. “I can always take a break from appearing busy though, to get your order.”

“Right,” Jamie couldn’t tell if Lily was trying to hide a smile because she looked down for a moment and when she looked back up, she just looked as though she were considering her. “Can I have a vodka tonic.”

“Sure thing,” She nodded and walked down the bar again to make the drink.

It was only a moment before she was standing in front of Lily again, sliding the drink across the bar to her. “So you’re new to the area?” She asked, running a hand through her short, messy hair, not realizing that she perhaps shouldn’t know this about Lily seeing as how Lily hadn’t told her.

“And what makes you think that?”

“Never seen you around before,” She tried, shrugging a shoulder. “Also that’s what my boss told me.”

“Gossiping about the customers?”

“Only the really cute ones.” Lily laughed and picked up her drink, taking a quick swig that downed half the alcohol. Jamie wished that she could take a shot or two just then. Calm her nerves a bit.

“Right. But yes, I am new to the area. I moved here two weeks ago for a teaching job.”

“Oh? What year are you teaching?”

“Uni.” Lily corrected. “I’m teaching a uni course on calculus.”

“That sounds dreadful.” Jamie’s forehead crinkled as a hoard of number clouded her brain. And the answer did not match the fluffy pink pen that she’d spotted in Lily’s bag. Or the pink lip gloss. Calculus professors were supposed to be stern and monotonous and old. At least that’s what they had been in Jamie’s experience.

“Well if I want the universities funding, I’m required to teach a course. It was that or teach a gen ed lecture. And I have no desire to talk for two hours straight to a classroom of two hundred scholarship athletes not listening to me.”

“I was a scholarship athlete, so I know what you mean. Some of us are terrible.” Jamie nodded sympathetically and this earned her a laugh. Jamie stood up a bit straighter. “But is calculus really better than that?”

“Numbers come easy to me.” Lily shrugged. “And if you’re taking a calculus class, you’re probably going to try at least a little bit. I can work with that.”

“What is your research about then?” Jamie was leaning on the bar now.

“Oh, well, it’s not just my research. I have a partner. We’re studying the metabolic structures of plants to see if they can be altered or replicated synthetically to repair damage to living tissue on the human body.”

Jamie blinked at her for a moment trying to digest something that sounded as though it had come straight from a science fiction novel. “You want to make plant band aides?”

Lily laughed. “Basically. But bandages that don’t come off. Band aids that become a part of you and work just like the rest of your body.”

“That sounds like some science fiction shit.” James shook her head. “And cool as hell.”

Lily bit her bottom lip and smiled. “Yeah, it is cool as hell.” They smiled at one another for a moment longer than was friendly and then Lily looked down. She swirled her drink and then took a sip. “What do I owe you for this?” She asked, reaching down for her bag.

Jamie shook her head. “Oh no, we don’t charge pretty girls here.” And It was only slightly more than what she’d said earlier, but she still felt the flush creep up her neck.

“That’s absurd.” Lily grinned, though she sat back up, leaving her bag where it was.

“It’s the truth.” Jamie held up her right hand.

“You just get to drink here for free whenever you want then?”

It took her a minute to register and then fully appreciate what Lily had said, but when she did, she started laughing as she reached for a napkin and pulled the pen she carried out from behind her ear. “I like you, Lily Evans.” She started scrawling out her number on the napkin. “And no, that discount only works when I’m the one on this side of the bar, unfortunately.”

“Well that’s probably best. Otherwise it’d be pretty hard to keep the place stocked.”

Jamie quirked a brow, “Are you implying that you think I have a drinking problem?”

Lily laughed and Jamie clicked her pen and stuck it back behind her ear. “No, only that a lot of pretty girls would start hanging around here if-” Lily stopped midsentence as Jamie slide the folded napkin across the bar, stopping it right beside Lily’s drink. She unfolded it and then grinned before looking up at Jamie. Her eyes bright and shinning. “And to think, I almost didn’t come in here.”

Jamie ran her hand through her hair and that flush ran up her neck again. “How tragic that would have been.”

Lily opened her mouth to say something, but Benjy was done playing it cool apparently. “Oi! Potter! I don’t pay you to stand around a flirt!”

Jamie clicked her tongue and spun around to face her boss. “Actually, you do! It’s half of my job!” Lily laughed and Jamie quickly turned back to catch a glimpse of her smile.

“Go and clean the tables in the poolhall or I’ll sack you right now.” He went back into the office and Jamie shook her head.

“He threatens to sack me at least once a shift. And the real kicker is that I don’t even work here really. I’m just covering for a friend.” She shrugged but then reluctantly picked up the rag. “Though I should probably go and do as he says anyway.”

“Probably.” Lily took another drink and then inspected her glass. “You know, I’ll probably be in need of another drink by the time you get back.”

Jamie winked at her, “I’ll be back in a flash.”

“Not too quickly, I’m not trying to get drunk tonight.” Lily called after her.

“Perhaps you need to order some food in a few minutes then.” Jamie turned, walking backward as she talked to Lily now. “Stick around a while and give me the chance to ask you out.”

“I get your number and a date?”

“Yes, I might be jumping the gun, but you’re the one who keep smiling at me like that.” Lily’s smile only got wider at that and so Jamie spun back around and rushed off to clean some tables.

And just like that, Jamie was pretty sure that she was going to be thanking Emmeline for asking her to cover this particular shift, for the rest of her life.

[ronniesshoes]

fem!maylor bookstore AU 🌹✨

brianna collects words.

she lives them, breathes them, puts them on like pretty dresses. she is anne carson, she is virginia woolf, hélène cixous, mary szybist—

on the dust of my pillowslip. i only dream of your ankles brushed by dark violets, of honeybees above you

—and it makes her feel pretty, makes her feel alive. 

there’s a new bookstore close to her flat, and she’s shaking a little as she stands in front of it for the first time. she looks through the windows—the store is tiny but not dark, and the rows and rows of books make her heart beat faster.

she doesn’t go in, not today. she’d applied for a position there but never heard back, and it still hurts a little. not that she’d have the time anyway—she’s got uni and a tutoring job already, and she’d spend all of her wages on books instead of rent. a woman behind her tries to get to the door, and brianna steps away with an apologetic smile. 

/

the next time she passes she goes inside. there’s a small café table tucked into one corner, an old man drinking coffee. the girl behind the counter is pretty, and she’s greeting brianna like they’re friends. brianna instantly dislikes her.

the poetry section catches her attention, lures her in, and brianna’s in awe. she wants so much, the spines of the books a pretty blur, smooth under her fingers.

“looking for anything in particular?” the girl asks, touching brianna’s arm. it’s more than a little inappropriate, brianna thinks, rubbing at her skin to stop it from tingling.

“my name's regina,” is what’s offered then, and brianna squints at her. she doesn't look like a regina, and brianna wonders if she's lying. she opens her mouth, forces the words out,

“just browsing.” she doesn’t intend to be rude, but something about the girl irks her. brianna smiles her thanks, then turns back to the shelf.

“can i have your name?” the girl’s smiling—grinning, actually, with the tip of her tongue behind her front teeth—when brianna turns around, slowly, staring.

“no?” it comes out like a question.

“oh,” the girl says, not sounding like she minds. “your hair is so pretty.”

“can i help you?” brianna asks her slowly. she’s pretty sure she’s not supposed to be asking that question, but she suspects the girl’s a bit daft.

the laugh startles her. 

“call me if you need anything.”

/

brianna doesn’t come back for another week. she’s been busy, is all—coursework and tutoring, life, reading, reading—

ALL THE WORLD BEGAN WITH A YES. ONE MOLECULE SAID YES TO ANOTHER MOLECULE and life was born. 

—sometimes the skin on her upper arm tingles, and the words swim on the page before her and she is annoyed. 

when she comes back, it’s with the intention of being nice. brianna is a nice girl; her nails are clean and she’s got manners and potted plants and curly hair that people always want to touch. she lets them, for the most part.

she’s brought a notebook and her readings and earphones in case the girl is there to bother her again. she orders coffee, says please and thank you, doesn’t leave when she’s greeted with a grin and, “you’re back!”.

“have you read this?” the blond hair is tied in a high pony tail that swishes when she walks towards brianna, coffee in her hand and a book tucked under her arm. it’s to the lighthouse, and brianna stares at her, dumbly. she continues,

“i don’t even read,” 

and brianna goes home and meditates on the unfairness on it all.

/

over the next few weeks, she learns to not mind so much. regina is seemingly always at work, and she’s always, always up for a chat—as soon as brianna looks up she’s there, touchy and chatty, pulling a chair to her table when she takes her earphones out, asking her what she’s reading, if her coursework is fun, if she wants another refill.

a few days in, brianna reluctantly trades her name for a cup of coffee after realising she forgot her wallet, and regina is positively grinning, so much that brianna instantly regrets it.

“here you go, brianna”—she says her name all the time now that she knows, says it with the same pleased smile.

you’re so annoying, is what brianna thinks, wonders what would happen if she said the words out loud, if regina would even care.

“i love your name, it’s so pretty,” she’s saying. her eyelashes are impossibly long, the tips so light brianna hasn’t noticed before. “it really suits you. i don’t like mine.”

she makes a face, pretty features screwing up.

“regina. i prefer reg.”

/

it’s hot outside one day, and reg is wearing short sleeves. there’s a cluster of violets tattooed on the inside of her forearm where the skin is paler than the rest.

“do you like it?” brianna’s eyes snap away guiltily, but she knows reg is smiling. “i bet you’ve got a secret tattoo. a line from your favourite book, something like that. a beatles lyric.”

brianna scoffs. “i don’t listen to the beatles.”

reg looks offended, almost. “what’s wrong with you?”

stung, brianna turns away. regina lets her browse in peace for a few minutes, then heaves a great big sigh that’s positively irksome and places herself right in front of her.

“you’re always looking at that book.”

brianna's embarrassed, the skin at the back of her neck prickling with defensiveness. it’s not like she's there a lot, no more than three times a week, and regina can’t exactly accuse her of never buying anything. she buys coffee, more than she can afford, and she’s not breaking anything, just looking.

“yeah, well.” brianna tightens her grip on the book. “it's pretty.”

it is pretty, and so are the words; she must’ve read the first few lines a hundred times by now—

I won’t prepare you by revealing myself to you  in a bound-about closeness, 

—they make her breath catch, and she’s not sure she could bear to read on even if she took the book home.

“you can use my staff discount if you want.”

brianna looks up sharply, the “why” spitting from her lips so very ugly, so full of sharp edges.

regina merely shrugs. “you're gonna buy it eventually, aren't you?”

brianna’s cheeks burn. it's not even expensive, and really, she can afford it, only she’s promised herself not to buy anymore books—

“you can help me,” regina is saying, tugging the book from her hands. “i never know what to say when customers ask for recommendations. you read all the time.”

brianna frowns. “you’re gonna call me every time a customer needs help? what exactly does this job entail?”

“great customer service?” reg grins, and brianna rolls her eyes, willing the corners of her lips to stay down.

she takes the book back, their hands brushing. “you can’t recommend something you don’t know.”

brianna expects her to interrupt—”brianna, i do it every single day, brianna, i hate reading”—but she doesn’t, just looks at her, tip of her tongue behind her front teeth.

something flutters in brianna’s stomach, annoyingly, and her mind provides her with words, soothingly—

Tireless, tied, as a moon-bound sea moves on its root.

—and then are other words, not her own and not from books or journals or pretty poetry collections, but regina’s words, soft and teasing,

“what are you gonna do about it?”

Sweet mother, I cannot weave—

send me an au and i’ll give you 5+ headcanons about it

[mbti-notes]

1) Hi mbti. I’m an isfp trying to confront my teritary loop patterns. In your type development guide you write that “the logical consequence of a failure to develop auxiliary Se properly is that a person often suffers from restlessness despite their blessings and opportunities for enjoyment. Instead of addressing this problem directly, immature ISxPs misuse tertiary Ni to distance from it.” But you never clearly identify HOW to address this problem directly, and I’m assuming that “addressing the

problem is different from “developing Se”.
 I’m assuming there’s an Fi + Se imbalance which is causing the loop pattern. I know that how to develop Se has been covered many times in your ask section and also in the type development guide, so I won’t ask you to repeat yourself. 

I don’t know what to tell you. The solution is indeed as simple as developing Se. The problem is probably that you haven’t yet understood Se and/or how to apply Se properly in your life, especially if you are prone to Ni loop. So, I guess it does bear repeating…

But I will say that I have been looping for quite some time (more on than off, for almost 4 years) and I have some reasons as to why my extroverted functions have been put on hold, as I experienced quite a lot of bullying in school and a parent at home struggled with alcoholism growing up, so retreating and isolation and avoidance became my natural way of operating, to get my self away from painful situations and a way to remain a sense of control. It worked as a protective strategy then, but I can see that does me more harm than good now, and I would like to change it. I wish it could be so easy as to just ‘develop Se’, and I want to ask bout the obstacles I’m experiencing when trying to change this behaviour (i.e achieving healthy Fi + Se), and so I will try to explain the problem: 

It is easy to be under the illusion that you are engaging in “self-care” by retreating and avoiding pain, thereby easy to believe that Fi is healthy and doing its job. However, if you’re always running from situations that frighten or threaten you - before you’ve even started anything - how are you ever going to learn how to handle painful situations and use those experiences to become a stronger person? You’re robbing yourself of opportunities to learn and grow by excessively sheltering your feelings - this is what Fi-Ni loop actually “accomplishes”. 

The reasons I avoid certain Se activities is because there are potential risks attached to them (as it of course is with all actions one takes). The problem is, I often have a hard time determining wether these ‘risks’ fraudulently function as a reason to avoid Se-activity (caused by the loop), or if it objectively is a legitimate risk to properly consider. This has kept me volatile for a long time and I’m not sure if I’m moving forward in the right direction. For instance, I dreamt about moving to a city in a country, a place which I feel at home and where some relatives live, to study at uni. It gave me a sense of hope to travel, experience, meet new people and get new impressions. But I decided not to move because education is very expensive there, compared to where I live now, and a political situation in the country also made moving tricker and more expensive, but I could’ve managed if I really pushed it. The place I live in now makes me feel depressed, restless and as if my growth stifles here, mainly because I relate it to past experiences and feel the need for “new” stimulation. But the benefits are better, cheaper education and better accommodation. Do you see the dilemma? I can’t really determine which option would be better for me? 

General rule of thumb: The option that is better for you is the option that allows you to become the person you are meant to be. The nature of a “dilemma” is that neither option is perfect, that’s why deciding is very difficult. No matter what you choose, you must deal with some negative consequences. So, the question is, which set of negative consequences is more worth it to you to confront for the benefits? Nobody can weigh and judge that except you. You, yourself, just said that you could’ve managed it if you really pushed it. Your heart already knows the correct path, and now you suffer from the feeling of missing out. Is that not what’s happening?

Another example, I dream/dreamt about working within the field of visual arts, and am interested in photojournalism, although this specific area has posed many ethical questions to me after reading/seeing certain images/finding out about all the fakes in the business, and I also find the vast quantity of images that circulate everywhere, almost always with a commercial agenda, just waters down the meaning of it to nothing, there is no journalism there, all I can see is the greediness. But I also love photography and visual arts with political dimensions to it, and it is a substantial source of inspiration to that excites me and make me genuinely enthusiastic… I feel cloven. 

And why do you automatically default to imagining yourself as a hapless victim of a “corrupt system”? Why do you not stop to consider that a corrupt system needs MORE people of integrity to correct it - not fewer? And why do you not see yourself, with your strong sense of integrity, as having the capability to change the system for the better? That is what mature Se+Te would do.

A third and final example could be when I’ve been around friends for a long time and I start to feel tired/“drained” and that I need alone time; should take time to rest or should I practice more active participation and attend those around me more? Which is showing myself and others most care? 

The key is to establish a proper balance between the introverted and extraverted sides of your personality, which means that you should not be too extreme one way or the other. It also means that, in order to develop your “lagging” side, you have to push out of your comfort zone. Introverts must push themselves to extravert more in order to become more capable of it, and vice versa. It is not a case of oversimplistic either/or (”either I care about me or I care about others”), it is about learning to listen to what is required for your development and refining your judgment accordingly. When you care for yourself, do you not become more emotionally available and effective at caring for others? When you care for others, do you not benefit from a deeper relationship and the feeling of having a positive influence? You have created a false dichotomy to choose between when the two things are actually interrelated. 

These kinds of ponderings have sort of put me ‘on hold’ for a long time and I am not quite sure how to proceed in life. I am studying at university in line with my interests, I volunteer at various places I feel are in line with my values, I watch film and photography, draw every once in a while, stay around friends and family, but still I’m feeling this anxiety (or restlessness, as you put it) tapping within me. It’s like a constant, mild depression and I think it is fuelled by my constant questioning of my commitments. And to connect to what I said in the beginning, I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW TO ADDRESS THE ROOT OF THIS RESTLESSNESS. As you said; “(…) a person often suffers from restlessness despite their blessings and opportunities for enjoyment”. I see my privilege in the world, and I am grateful, but how can I identify what it is that’s causing the “depression”? I mean, I can keep “throwing myself out into the unknown” and explore life forever but never really hit the spot. Do you see what I mean? I’m afraid of turning into a shallow, bitter individual, because there is something telling me that I’m sort

It is precisely underdeveloped/underutilized Se that is the root of restlessness. Unhappy Se creates the feeling that you are not living life to its fullest and taking advantage of every chance to learn and grow through new life experiences. If you run from new experiences via irrational Ni loop negativity, Se will complain vociferously that you are missing out, and how can you feel at peace then? I’m not here to tell anyone how to make major life decisions, as each person must be responsible for their own life. I can only tell you that your restlessness comes from knowing that there is more out there for you but that you’re holding yourself back from exploring it. How you respond to restlessness is up to you. I can only tell you that ignoring it is only going to make it worse over time. 

To have mature Se doesn’t mean that you’re aimless and restless; it means that you are able to set aside negativity and be flexible in the face of challenges. Mature Se means that: 1) you have inherent trust that the world will offer up good things as long as you are on your toes and able to grasp the new opportunities that come your way, and 2) you have inherent trust in yourself to be able to adapt and get through any situation, good or bad. That’s why Se doms are bold and brave and easily leave the past behind.

When you say “never really hit the spot”, it reveals that you haven’t understood how to use Se. It is immature Se that explores the world willy nilly with no direction or purpose. Fi+Se is about having the courage to take the risks that allow you to move toward the life that you want to live and be the person that you know you can be.