#and I’m so selfish all I think of is myself
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
3#-> 💌: a letter has arrived from satoru gojo.
dear y/n.
honestly, i don't even know where to begin. don’t get me wrong, fighting curses is fun in a crazy, adrenaline-fueled kind of way, but it’s not you. it’s like, no matter how much i’m surrounded by action and danger, all i want to do is be home with you, goof around, maybe get you to roll your eyes at my dumb jokes (because i know i’m the funniest, you can’t deny it). everything here feels a little out of place without you by my side. i’m handling it, of course. i’m always handling things, right? but you being around just makes everything better. i guess that's what they mean when they say “there’s no place like home." and right now, you are my home.
sometimes, when i’m in the middle of a fight or chasing down a curse in shibuya, i catch myself thinking, “this would be a whole lot more fun if y/n was here." i mean, think about it— if you were here, you’d probably find some way to make all the curses laughable, or at the very least, make me laugh. you're the one who gets me to take a step back, breathe, and realize that not everything has to be this serious.. out here, it’s always intense, always life or death, but i swear, the best part of my day is imagining how you’d act if you were with me. but i know i have to do this. it'd be selfish of me to wish you were here during all this chaos.. but i miss you. can't wait to goof around with you again, sweetheart xx.
love, your super cute boyfriend, satoru ♡
p.s. being with you is the only time i truly feel like i’ve got everything under control. i don't know if i'll come back.. but if i do, PLEASE remind me to never go somewhere so far away from you, it's killing me!!! :(
#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#jjk x reader#jjk x you#jjk x y/n#jjk x gn!reader#jjk x gender neutral reader#jujustsu kaisen x reader#jujustu kaisen x you#jjk satoru#gojo satoru x you#gojou satoru x reader#satoru gojo x reader#jjk gojo#gojo x reader#gojo x you#gojo x y/n#satoru x reader#satoru x you#gojo satoru#satoru gojo#gojo#love#love notes#love letters#fluffy#fluff#jujustu kaisen fluff#jjk fluff#seraphina's letters ✎
67 notes
·
View notes
Text
selfish - p.b
part: 1
summary: the beginning of “friendship” between you & paige.
warnings: cursing
a/n: hellooooo welcome back to another series, i’m sure this will be fun to write and im excited for you guys to see where this goes!
my eyes drifted across the lecture hall, landing on a familiar face—paige bueckers. obviously, i’d heard so much about the star basketball player, but seeing her in person was different. she was leaning over a textbook, her blonde hair falling forward as she focused intently.
i felt my heart flutter slightly as i took her in. there was something about her demeanor, her strong jawline, and the way her muscles filled out her shirt. i quickly looked away, chiding myself. i kind of forgot i have a boyfriend and what not.
as the lecture began, i found myself sneaking glances at paige every so often. each time, i felt that familiar flutter in my chest. i tried to brush it off as mere admiration for her athletic prowess, but a small voice in the back of my mind whispered that it was more than that. but it can’t be, i have a boyfriend.
after class, i gathered my courage and approached paige as she was packing up her bag. my heart raced as i got closer. “hi, i'm madison. i just wanted tell you i really admire your skills, you know, on the court.”
the voice in the back of my mind was telling me i sounded so very stupid. introducing myself to the paige bueckers? absolutely ridiculous, but worth a shot.
paige looked up and flashed me a warm smile, her blue eyes crinkling at the corners, “hey, thanks! i've seen you around campus. you're in my psych class, right?”
i nodded, feeling a little flustered under her gaze. “yeah, i am,” she stood up and stretched, her arms reaching overhead and making her shirt ride up slightly. i caught a glimpse of her toned stomach and felt a sudden urge to reach out and touch it.
but i can’t be feeling like this. over a girl? no way, i have a boyfriend.
paige's smile lingered as she tucked her book bag over her shoulder. “it's nice to meet you, madison,”she said, her voice low and smooth. “maybe we can study together sometime? psych can be tough.”
i swallowed hard, nodding eagerly. “yeah, that'd be great,” i managed to say. as paige walked away, i watched her retreat, admiring the way she looked with each step. i shook my head, trying to clear it.
what was i doing?
i met up with my boyfriend, jason, later that day. he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close and kissing me deeply. usually, his kisses made my heart race, but today, all i could think about was paige. guilt washed all over me.
no girl has ever made me feel this way, ever. i’ve always considered myself straight, maybe bisexual. but the only reason i’d ever consider myself bi is because i’ll think a girl is cute every now and then.
sure, i’ve kissed a few girls, but i never felt anything. i’ve never felt that kind of connection with girls, ever. well—atleast not the feeling i feel with jason. i love jason, he’s my everything, but i can’t help but shake the feeling of how im lowkey simping for a girl.
—
one weekend, paige and i had spent the day together. no studying, just hanging out. we'd gone to the park, lay on the grass, talking and laughing. i'd felt so at ease with her, so comfortable. too comfortable, maybe.
at one point, she'd leaned against me, her head on my shoulder. i'd stiffened at first, surprised. then i'd relaxed, enjoying the warmth of her body against mine. i'd even slipped my arm around her, pulling her closer.
it had felt... nice. too nice. i’ve started to love looking at her mouth, wondering what it would be like to kiss her. i'd quickly pushed the thought away, guilt washing over me. i have a boyfriend, i reminded myself sternly. i can't be thinking about kissing paige.
but i couldn't stop thinking about it. days turned into a week, and the memory of that moment in the park lingered. i always remember myself staring at paige's mouth during our study sessions, blushing when she'd catch me looking. i was so confused. it felt so wrong, but so good.
—
weeks passed and i’d continued to steal glances at paige in psych class, my heart fluttering each time. for the past few weeks we’ve hung out, nothing special but it was great. we would go for ice cream, maybe get my favorite—zaxbys, and it would all be good. but genuinely, it’s horrible being around her.
im in a relationship with someone, yet im falling for another person. that person being a girl. i sound fucking stupid.
our professor announced a big project, assigning partners randomly. my heart pounded as the list was read aloud. “madison cooper and paige bueckers,” she called out.
i froze. there is no way she assigned me with the girl call myself liking. paige and i exchanged a surprised look. a slow smile spread across her face, and i felt my knees go weak. as we gathered our things after class, paige approached me. “looks like we're partners, madison.”
“looks like it,” i breathed, my voice barely audible. her nearness made my pulse quicken. we decided to meet at the library that weekend to start on our project. as i left the lecture hall, i felt a mix of excitement and dread.
i have a boyfriend.
—
that weekend, i sat across from paige at a worn wooden table in the library. she was leaning over her laptop, her brow furrowed as she typed. i couldn't help but stare at her strong hands, her broad shoulders, the way her hair fell messily over her shoulders.
paige looked up, catching me staring. she smirked slightly. “you okay, madi? you seem a lil… distracted.” i blushed, averting my eyes. “i'm fine, just... thinking about the project.” even to my own ears, the excuse sounded weak.
but that nickname, madi.
i mean—everyone calls me madi. but from paige, her saying it, it sounds heavenly. i don’t want anyone else to ever call me that nickname again now that it’s left paige’s mouth.
—
i notice madison staring at me—a lot, and it makes me feel a strange warmth in my chest. as we worked on our project, i found myself stealing glances at her too, admiring the way her brow furrowed in concentration, the way her lips parted slightly as she reads.
i start wondering… wondering what it would be like to kiss those parted lips, to run my fingers through her silky brunette hair. i shook my head slightly, trying to dislodge the thought. madison isn’t my type, i don’t think. i know she’s straight, but i could definitely turn her.
then again, she has a boyfriend.
she’s only mentioned him a few times, talking about their dates, future plans and what not. but honestly, he sounds lame. she mentioned he got her flowers & candy for her birthday, what a loser. like seriously? a girl like her? if it was me, i’d go all out.
as the day went on, i became more aware of the subtle signs madison was giving me. the way her eyes lingered on me, the slight flush of her cheeks, the way she bit her lower lip.
i decided to test the waters. as she passed me a printout, i let my fingers brush against hers. i saw her intake a sharp breath, her eyes darting to mine. her skin is soft, smooth like butter. despite the subtle, small action, i could feel how soft and fragile her skin felt.
“sorry,” i murmured, not pulling away from her touch. her fingers curled around mine, squeezing gently. “it's okay,” she whispered back, her voice barely audible. i felt a jolt of electricity at her touch, her response. i was onto something.
—
paige's fingers brushing against mine sent shivers down my spine. i looked into her eyes, and for a moment, everything else faded away. i felt a strong urge to lean in, to close the distance between us. but then reality hit me like a cold shower.
i have a boyfriend.
i gently pulled my hand away, trying to compose myself. “we should probably focus on the project,” i said, trying to sound normal. i turned back to my laptop, my mind racing. i can't let myself fall for paige, i have to stay loyal to jason or whatever.
but i still don’t understand how im falling so hard for a girl. a girl i just met at that, it sounds alien to me. if you told me 2 months ago i’d be head over heels for this woman, i’d look at you like you needed a straitjacket.
we continued working across from each other, the air thick with tension. i made sure to keep a safe distance, to not let our hands touch again. but being near her was torture. her scent, her presence, the way her voice deepened slightly when she was concentrating... everything about her drew me in.
as the hours passed, i found myself zoning out, my mind wandering to forbidden thoughts. paige's strong arms around me, her lips on mine, her hands exploring my body. i quickly rolled my eyes, trying to clear the images. no, i can't think like this.
i have a boyfriend.
i feel like i’m going insane, there is no way in hell im actually thinking like this. thinking like this about a girl, am i crazy? i think so. but it just sounds so right. i don’t think i’ve ever imagined times like this with jason though.
i mean, we did have sex a few times. but when i met him, i didn’t think like that— it was more of an emotional connection. i wasn’t immediately thinking about what his lips would feel like on mine.
paige seemed to pick up on the change though. she didn't bring up the touch again, didn't act the way she was acting earlier. we worked in near silence, the tension between us palpable but unspoken. as we finished up for the day, i felt a mix of relief and despair.
“not gon’ lie, i didn’t expect you to be this smart,” paige remarked, laughing softly as we packed up. “yeah, i try my best in academics,” i agreed softly. she smiled at me, and i felt my heart ache. why does it have to be her? why do i have to be taken?
“same time next weekend?” she asked. i hesitated for a moment. being around her was torture, but it was a torture i craved. “yeah,” i heard myself say. “same time next week.”
as i walked home, my mind was in turmoil. i knew i should end things with jason, that my heart wasn't in it anymore. but the thought of hurting him, of disappointing my family, held me back. i buried my face in my hands, a frustrated groan escaping my lips.
and no, im not trying to end things because of paige, thats silly—this thought weighed heavy on my mind for months. i mean, very good guy, but things just haven’t been the same. paige, she’s just the cherry on top.
i found myself in an impossible situation. i was falling for paige, but i was committed to someone else. i couldn't keep stringing jason along, not when my heart barely belonged to him.
here’s the situation: me and my boyfriend are falling apart, i’m falling for a girl, and my life is in shambles. sounds crazy right? yeah, i know.
i spent the rest of the week distracted, snapping at jason when he'd try to talk to me, zoning out during family dinners. but can you blame me? my situation is shit. i feel horrible, horrible for doing this to my boyfriend, horrible for falling for this girl.
my mom noticed, pulling me aside one evening. “madison, talk to me,” she said softly. “something's on your mind.” i hesitated. i wanted to confide in her, to tell her about paige, about my conflicted feelings. but i was scared. scared of her reaction, scared of what would happen next. so i chickened out. “it's nothing, mom.”
she searched my face, concern etched on her own. “madison, you can talk to me, you know. whatever it is, we'll figure it out together.” her voice was gentle, encouraging. but i just shook my head, pushing past her to retreat to my room.
alone in my room, i curled up on my bed, hugging a pillow to my chest. all my thoughts weighed down on me like a brick as i realized the mess i was in. i was torn between duty and desire, between what was right and what felt right. and i had no idea how to fix it.
this is the reality of being a girl i guess— or being a girl liking another girl. i’m a mess. i barely know her, it’s only been about a month or two, and they’ve been great, i can say that. but i just don’t get what’s wrong with me. what kind of phase am i going through?
i guess time will tell sooner or later.
#paige bueckers#paige bueckers x reader#uconn wbb#wcbb#paige x reader#paige bueckers angst#paige bueckers smut#angst#smut#uconn huskies
43 notes
·
View notes
Note
Feeling very drama and angsty today. Imagine after rehab in 2001, James starts dating reader and it’s all going well, she is really helping him, etc. but when she finds out that he’s only separated from his wife, there’s no official divorce. The worst part is that she finds it from gossip magazine, and she gets the “homewrecker” label? She feels disgusted with herself as she honestly thinks now that James was only using her for his recovery and is going back to his family after he completely recovered ?
I still hope for some happy ending please?
I think you know by now how much I can love angsty stories. I hope you like this💕
Fix us
After James finished rehab, things between us moved fast. He’d been vulnerable, raw, and in need of support. I was there with him, by his side through every late-night call, every rough moment. He’d say that I made him feel whole, that I was the calm he needed in the storm. And I believed him—every word, every promise. I let myself fall.
It felt like everything was finally going right. That was, until today.
I had stopped at the grocery store after work, glancing through the usual row of magazines when something caught my eye. There, on the glossy cover, was a photo of James with his arm around his wife—his wife—alongside the headline: James Hetfield's Secret Affair? Spotted with a New Flame, But No Plans for Divorce.
The world seemed to spin around me as I flipped through the pages, my heart sinking with each line. Separated, not divorced. Speculation. Gossip. And worst of all, that word burned into my mind: homewrecker. The one thing I’d tried so hard not to be.
I felt humiliated, my cheeks hot with a mix of anger and shame. How could he do this? How could he keep something so important from me? Did I mean so little to him that he didn’t even tell me the truth? Had I been nothing more than a distraction—someone to lean on until he could go back to his family?
I barely remember the drive home. By the time I was back in my apartment, I could hardly hold back the tears, still clutching that damn magazine in my hand. I wanted to scream, to throw something. But instead, I just stood there, feeling the weight of it all pressing down on me.
The sound of the door startled me. James had let himself in, his face softening when he saw me standing there, holding the magazine.
“Y/n,” he started, his voice heavy with guilt, “I can explain.”
“Explain what, James?” I spat, holding up the magazine. “Explain how you lied to me? Or how the whole world knows your truth before I do?”
He stepped forward, his face pained. “It wasn’t like that. I didn’t lie to you, I swear. I just… wasn’t ready to face it myself. I didn’t know how to tell you.”
The anger in me flared, but it was the pain that took over. “I thought I was helping you get better, helping you move forward. But all this time, you’re still tied to her. I mean, what am I? Just some temporary fix until you’re ready to go back?”
“No,” he said, reaching for me, but I took a step back. “You’re not a rebound, Y/n. You’re so much more than that.”
“If that were true, then you would have been honest with me,” I shot back, feeling a lump in my throat. “You’ve put me in the worst position possible. I look like a homewrecker, James. I feel used.”
I could see him struggling, his hand running through his hair. “You’re right,” he finally said, his voice breaking. “I never should have let it get this far without telling you. I was selfish, thinking I could handle it all, but... I was wrong. And I’m sorry.”
The sincerity in his voice broke something inside me, and for a moment, I wanted to believe him. But it was hard to shake the betrayal, the embarrassment that had settled in me. “James, I’ve given you everything. My time, my trust… my heart. And now I don’t even know if I can look at myself without feeling disgusted.”
He stepped forward, his eyes pleading. “Please, Y/n. Just give me some time. I’ll fix this—I’ll make it right. I know what I want, and it’s you. I’ll handle everything with her. I’ll show you that this is real.”
I didn’t say anything, just looked away, feeling tears spill over despite myself. “I don’t know if I can trust you again, James. I don’t know if I can trust me anymore.”
“I know,” he whispered, taking my hands in his. “I’ll prove it to you, even if it takes the rest of my life.”
---
Then one night, months after our fight, I heard a knock at my door. When I opened it, there he was, looking exhausted but hopeful, a familiar warmth in his eyes.
“I’m here,” he said, his voice soft and steady. He held up a single sheet of paper—signed divorce papers. “Completely here, Y/n. And if you don’t want me anymore, I get it. But I need you to know… I’m not going anywhere. Not unless you tell me to.”
My chest ached at the sight of him, all the hurt and love I’d kept bottled up unraveling at once. I took a shaky breath, my voice barely audible. “I don’t know if I can go back to the way things were.”
He nodded, taking a small step closer. “I don’t want to go back, either. I just want you, now, however you’ll have me.”
I looked at him, feeling the last of my anger melt away, replaced by something deeper. I reached for his hands, and he closed his fingers around mine, steady and real. His thumbs gently brushed over my knuckles, and I felt him pause, lifting my hands to his lips.
Then, without a word, he pressed a soft kiss to each one, his gaze never leaving mine, his lips warm and tender against my skin. The quiet intensity of it made my heart ache, each kiss melting away the pain I’d held onto for so long.
“I want to try,” I whispered. “But don’t lie to me again, James. Not ever.”
“I swear,” he murmured, his voice filled with relief, his hands still wrapped around mine. He pulled me into a gentle embrace, holding me close, his arms secure and unyielding, as if he never wanted to let go. I let myself sink into him, feeling his heartbeat, steady and strong, and for the first time in a long time, I felt whole again.
This was our new beginning, and this time, I knew we’d face it together.
#metallica#metallica oneshot#metallica fanfiction#metallica angst#metallica fluff#jameshetfield#jameshetfieldxreader#james hetfield fluff#james hetfield one shot#james hetfield angst#nausicaamusiclover20
26 notes
·
View notes
Text
In His Arms
Word count: 1.4k
Rafayel x GN reader( sylus mention)
Sylusx GN reader (zayne mention)
No use of y/n
Warnings: mentions of death, language, minimal angst, jealousy
Evening
My princess.
My beloved, my sun and stars above.
Oh, how the steady drum of my heart sings as it beats only for you.
Nothing but silk sheets and lace drapes over her dewy skin. Warmth practically glowing red in her cheeks. The crashing waves had finally lulled my dearest to rest after dragging me all over town. She had rambled on about weapons and plans she had made for us both. Maybe my taunts had really gone to her head. I said to never leave me behind again, I was joking but I’ll never complain.<o:p></o:p>
I watched over her as she slept, old habits seeping to the surface once again. I listen out for the sound of guards coming to her rescue or only to be met with her phone’s chime. I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding in. That murderer she called ‘Sylus’ would just have to wait. Perhaps he would have his turn like I did. She stirs beside me as if she could hear my contempt for the man.<o:p></o:p>
Tired eyes slowly take her surroundings. I followed her gaze from scattered paintings, the setting sun, Reddy, and then up my chest to that one mole she insisted was “pretty”. I thought to tease her, but the words caught in my throat. <o:p></o:p>
Those bright eyes finally meet mine with a divine beauty I’d never seen anywhere else. It was always quiet moments like this that reminded me why I made that promise so long ago. I’ve given up everything I’ve ever had to hold her in my arms. To know the warmth beneath her skin and feel of her touch.<o:p></o:p>
I’d do it all again without a single thought. Back then, they called me a selfish and cruel creature. A monster made only with lust in the heart. I was to be their god, the one meant to protect them, and I betrayed my kind time and time again, for I am a beast of pleasure. Life after life, I would give my dying breath for the final taste of my beloved’s lips. The sun for a brush of her fingertips on mine. And the sea for the soft sting of her nails clawing my back. If she wanted, I would become something truly awful. Lemuria be dammed if I get to spend my life wrapped in her embrace.
“Rafie?” My breath hitches like the sound of her voice beside me. Small, airy, weightless, as it sounds again. “You, ok?” She groans eyes squeezed shut again as her fingers rub against them. I silently pleaded to whatever was above that she’d look at me once more. Even for a moment. “I’m dying.” She shuts up in an instant. Her tired eyes were now blown wide as she stared at me. It seems to grant my wish. Her eyes searched in a scattered frenzy for answers, only to receive a snort I couldn’t hide back. The girl beside me only falls back to my side with a long groan. Her head rests on my arm; it’s completely numb beneath her, but I don’t dare move it. “Raf, what’s wrong?” She repeats, this time, a bit stern. “I’m just wondering why my little bodyguard is crushing my poor arm.” I whine with a pout on my lips. Not my finest save, but it’ll do. She only grumbles and moves to straddle my waist. “Shut up, you know you love me,” her voice muffled as she nestled into the crook of my neck. More than you’ll ever know, my beloved bride.
Nightfall
My Goddess,
My solace,
Mine own heart, kindled spirits intertwined til the end of our eternity
She speeds towards my tower on my bike. A beautiful sight I engross myself in, the sound of pitiful old men with power complexes drowned out as noise to ignore. “You have somewhere to be?” One of the men questions. His words are ever as pompous as him. “You underestimate if you think I’ll just fade away.” With a wave of my hand, he does just that with a shrill scream that lasts far too long. “The rest of you are dismissed. You know what I want. Handle it.” I command, already out of the dining hall.
30 minutes later, Mephisto announces her arrival. The camera in the elevator shows her disheveled uniform and angered features. A lesser man would see a deadly combination that would be his downfall, but not I. That little hunter stomping through these halls meant life had begun again. Everything I had built and torn down had meaning once more. This would be a fun night after all. I positioned myself in the lounge with one of her favorite records placed neatly on the dial, a bottle of wine, and dinner on its way from the kitchen. And finally, a book in my hand appears busy. Can’t have her thinking I plan my time for her. Oh no, never that.
Page 1, “the art of engineering and robotics in nature. Chapter 1, in order to begin the fascinating journey in technology one must learn the world of nature first. From the sights, textures, and of course the wonderous sounds to be- 3,2,1. “SYLUS!” I struggled to contain my smile as she calls out my name as if calling down a child for discipline. The sound of her voice is lovely to my ears as it travels to find me. She continues to the many halls, announcing my crimes. “You really sent a thousand roses to Zayne’s office. And for what?!” she sounds from the bedroom. “The card said oops wrong address with a smiley face” she yells now in the hall. “A smiley face, Sylus!’’ She says as I watch her past by in the doorway only to double back.
Her narrow eyes met mine, finally locking on to her target in an instant. “Welcome in, sweetie. What brings you in this time of night?” My voice honeyed as usual, a shit-eating grin plastered on and a snort choked down in my throat. "Ooh, you know what you did.” She said peering down at me. “I couldn’t even have my appointment in there, no one could move.”
“But Darling, you were not home to receive them. And isn’t it best when others see you receive flowers?” I ask as innocently as I can. The book is long forgotten as I pull her in my lap. She squirms but doesn’t struggle out. With a groan, she settles with her thigh straddling my own. “Yeah.” She muttered. “Mmm, what was that, kitten. I couldn’t quite hear.” She whined and stuffed her head into my neck. I can feel her shoulders relax instantly as her arms wrap around me. “Yes, all the nurses saw them all and got jealous. It was fun until I had to put them all in Zayne’s car.” The snort I was holding back finally escaped me. “My apologies, sweetie but look on your faces were priceless.” She whines once more with a few blows to my shoulders. <o:p></o:p>
“You know he’s a good man, right?” She says her voice is a bit hoarse but soft as always. “I love you both.” my smile and my eyes wander towards to record player. It's stopped, I should- “Sylus, I know what you’re thinking.” Wonderful because I don’t. He is great for her; he’s dedicated his entire life to her health and wellbeing. I should be fine with this. I don’t share, I could though. For her, I did say she ought to have whatever little heart of hers desired. I’ll bite this bullet then; Zayne truly did have her heart first. She opened it for me as well. “It seems the competition for your affection has ended in a draw.” I always try to keep my composure in her presence, and she sees me as usual. She draws in a deep breathe “Thank you; it means so much.’’ Her head rises again to lay soft kisses across my face. "Also,” she speaks between kisses. “Zayne”. Her words now sound just as honeyed as mine. “He said he’d rather be seduced with desserts,” She lays a final long kiss on my lips. “Rather than flowers, I mean.”
“I’ll be sure to remember my new friend’s favorites; he’ll adore me by the time I’m done with him.” I laugh, a blush surely staining my face. “That seems more like a threat, but I’ll take the risk and invite him to dinner with us tomorrow."
“All in good fun, kitten. A bet on my good behavior, perhaps?”
#love and deepspace x reader#love and deepspace sylus#rafayel x reader#love and deep space#lads sylus#lads rafayel#lads zayne#sylus x reader x zayne#love and deepspace
27 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#I can’t do this anymore it’s too much#every night it gets worse#I feel like I’m headed for a full on nervous breakdown#all I feel anymore is this horrible fear and dread and just sadness#it’s too much#and I’m so selfish all I think of is myself#I feel so awful what I’m doing to my family but I can’t help it I can’t help breaking down#things are so so bad right now#I genuinely don’t know how I can keep doing this#much less do something with my life#i’m just so so tired#and I’m withdrawing from anyone that could help me#and pushing away everyone else#I don’t mean to I swear to god I don’t mean to#I’m trying to hard to be good and be a good friend and a good daughter and sister#but I’m failing and I don’t know how to stop#I’m going to die miserable and alone and I’m the only one to blame#tw depression
0 notes
Text
perhaps the most important question i’ve ever asked:
does anyone have tips for people trying to stop being chronically late to everything in the world that aren’t weirdly judgmental and aggressive or flat out lies
#when i tell you every single resource i’ve ever found or tried to get through or anyone i’ve ever asked#has been just so. mean about it#not even intentionally#not always at least#but there’s so much inherent shame tied to being late to things or being a person who used to be late to things#that i don’t think people can untie that from their ‘helpful tips’#it’s all ‘i used to also be a lazy uncaring piece of shit! you don’t have to be a horrible wretched loser anymore!’ and it’s like. okay.#you see how that’s not helping. right.#making me feel worse about it is NEVER helpful. i promise you i already have tortured myself over it FARRR more than any ‘on time’ person#ever had#this has been a comic i’ve been stewing on for ages as well but. well there’s of course the shame#idk it’s something that people are always despicably mean about bc fundamentally people who have never struggled with it#see it as a personal choice to be late#and as something one needs to just ‘try harder’ to fix. and that if you don’t#you inherently don’t care about other people’s time or even other people in general#and that feels horrible! it feels really bad!!#i mean i’ve got it from EVERYONE. disability allies. other adhd folks. disability resource offices#it’s something that nobody ever cares to acknowledge or try to accommodate for#bc time blindness and exec dysfunction are NEVER taken seriously as disabilities. they’re always always viewed as a personal failing#and i’m sick and tired of it. bc all this does is make people struggling with this Hate themselves#and worry endlessly that maybe they Are selfish and actually Don’t care about anyone else#there’s a bit too much here to keep in the tags i should really do the comic for adhd awareness month
161 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’m gonna be out most of the day bc I’ll be helping my dad with a big shopping trip plus being out after, so I’m going to be super duper exhausted
I don’t do well in crowded or loud places in the slightest, I get woozy and tired and I feel miserable or like I’m gonna pass out, and if the shopping isn’t gonna make me wanna cry, the outing after will bc it’s gonna be packed with lots of noise and people
I don’t say this because I want to complain, I just wanna give a super quick warning that I might not be active tomorrow as well as today bc when I get exhausted, my mental health tends to decline as well ;-;
so- a bit of a warning that I may poof a bit (sorry! 😣)
#But yeah :)#hopefully I’ll be able to sleep it off tonight but since school is tomorrow might end up still tired and stressed (ᵕ—ᴗ—)#lol I’m trying not to complain or make a stink about it whilst still being informative—#Edit: uh so I don’t know what’s wrong with me this morning#But it’s already starting to go to crap unfortunately#Hgnhh I wanna talk but I keep telling myself it’s selfish to talk about how I feel#Idk I’m just messed up man#Feel like crap#eating earlier didn’t help it just made me feel worse#I don’t wanna go shopping or to the outing :(#But my dad said he needs help#And I don’t think I have a choice for the outing#And school tmrw :(#I don’t wanna do this I really font#I think I’m breaking down#Yeah I’m breaking down#<- that’s dramatic I’m sorry#Edit 2: if I trigger myself so badly that I have a really quick and strong breakdown will that make me fine for the rest of the day#Bc omg I have things I need to do! I can’t mope around and be dramatic all day!#I hate this! I don’t want it! Literally any other day would have been doable!#I can’t just ask my dad to stay home from the outing either because then that would entail me explaining why I don’t wanna go and I’d cry-#-in front of him and I don’t wanna cry in front of people#I hate this so much#i wish I could just poof into nonexistence#🌾#<- atp it’s a vent#Edit 3: I’m trying really hard ace but petting my dog isn’t working
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Took a DnD alignment quiz and got true neutral and my brother was like “huh. I thought you’d be chaotic good,” and I’m like “sure, to YOU, but basically everyone else can go fuck themselves,” and really, I think that demonstrates how accurate the test is.
#I think a lot of people who test as Good TM are liars lol#or naive#which also maybe proves the accuracy of the test#but I seriously I got this from a bunch of gamers who tested as Good#and I think the ability to save scum in games gives people false ideas of what they’re capable of#like all this discourse about the emperor and him not letting himself be mercy-killed#as if he should have laid down and died and these people think they would have in his place#nah#self-preservation is such a base instinct people forget#I don’t think you really know yourself until you’ve been in dire circumstances#and well honestly I’m glad a lot of people haven’t#but I think people will surprise themselves in the moment by how selfish they can be#maybe that’s why I judge myself so much lol#but I guess I’m proud of myself too bc while I may not sacrifice myself for a cause#I stood between my father and my brother far too often at the risk of my own safety#and between my ex and his kid#they were worth it#but the rest of the world?#that’s asking a lot I’m not willing to give#especially since I don’t live in high fantasy lmao#morning rambles#I’ve been thinking a lot about morality recently#no wonder I got obsessed w bg3 recently#its themes line up with my recent ruminations so well
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
i know i just remade but maybe i’ll just delete completely. i lowkey hate it here
#i really don’t think anyone likes or cares about me#all i do it bitch about how miserable i am and probably piss everyone off#i’m never going to make any friends on here again i don’t think#im so miserable i can’t even feel happy for other people#i see everyone happy and healthy and having good experiences and it just makes me feel even more like shit#because i cannot understand why i can’t be happy and healthy and anything but truly#miserable#i want to be happy too it’s not fair#which maybe is selfish of me to say but i don’t care anymore#no one would miss my presence i don’t even have a presence#all i do is annoy everyone and doom scroll and see things that make me feel awful#i should just be done for good#i don’t use any other social media#i just want to close myself off from the world completely and curl up and die#snow.txt
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
I cannot fathom the level of self importance some people must have to behave this way
#it’s more so selfishness lmao#idk I’m getting unnecessarily worked up about this but 6 months ago I kinda vanished off of everywhere and then I noticed she deleted some#messages#girl I would’ve responded later calm down gosh the messages aren’t going anywhere nor are they disappearing#dora daily#I think of all people who should be mad you’re the last one because tell me why you were so viscerally rude to me since the beginning and#played a massive part of the roaa situation by being complacent when oh ! I thought you’d side with your alleged best friend ME#girl you have no right to complain at all not to mention you take FOREVER when you have no excuse to reply back but when I’m struggling I#apparently have zero excuse ☠️ girl bye#not to mention the fact that when I was so frustrated with myself having these bad headaches and being so incapable of doing anything when#exams were so close all you had to say was what can I do#well bitch what could I have done when you were at hospital#I guarantee you I was the only one texting you 24:7 asking how you were#reassuring you that it’s okay to feel upset about being in the fucking hospital and you don’t need to have such toxic positivity all the tim#oh but when the other girl had freaking back pain from her period or something apparently that’s more of a concern#girl bye#not me who has chronic headaches and cannot even study and nothing sticking cause it’s that bad#oh but go ahead compare it to your chronic illnesss like yes it’s horrible and yes it impacts you a lot#but I don’t think it impacts your brain and memorisation capacity#not to mention how fucking jealous she is of everything like I can say oh god I was so stressed and girl she has not felt stress in her life#compared to what I go through yet she is jealous of the fact I can stress ? tf?#and when I say I almost passed out cause of exhaustion she doesn’t give a shit when I was being so serious#in truth I’ve come to realise nobody does seem to care at all lmao they all think I’m lying#why would I lie about that be so fucking fr rn#anyways this is why I simply don’t want to talk about my physical condition with anyone anymore because they’ll think I’m a liar anyways 🤷♀#not to mention the fact if you even knew me a little you’d understand that it’s so impossibly hard for me to feel comfortable enough to#complain to talk about me feeling sick or sad or whatever I only do it here cause no one follows me and no one will rlly see it at all#but even here I feel like my throat closes up and I can barely breathe when I do complain#so pls …#this one sided friendship thing is crazy cause girl how do I shake you off?
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i need to stop talking abt body image issues with people who don’t have a double chin
#it always just fills me with anger and jealousy and then with guilt and even more self hatred#about to say some truly selfish hateful shit i am aware is wrong and cruel which is why i’m saying it here —>#like oh my godddd im soooo sorry your family told you you needed to be a bit skinnier#you are extremely conventionally attractive and skinny with pretty hair and good clothes#people like you at a glance. people give you the fucking time of day#you have dated multiple people. multiple people have wanted to DATE you#i’m always the fucking outsider in these conversations because they’re always so… personal?#in that like. “oh i know im okay looking but my brain won’t let me think it”#like damn that sucks. i’m actually ugly and nobody will let me fucking forget it#but do tell me more about your pretty partner you love who fell in love with you instantly#i’ll be over here walking behind you realizing i’m twice your width#and wondering if there’s a way to put out a lifetime’s worth of artwork and creation so that i can get this stupid hopeless life over with#i will die unloved. i don’t even fucking care anymore#i just want to make some decent art people might like and be done with it all#chatter#sorry i need to get this off my chest Now so i can push my mood back up and not be snapping at people. im so good im so fine#i hate myself but thats a me issue. time to go have fun
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad#i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over#and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away#i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine#but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing#right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it#i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever#i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol#every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone#when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad#i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like#it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to#i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time#i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good#i don’t know why anyone keeps me around#sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person#the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable#i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all#i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself#like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time#i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day#and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess#it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better#sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
My partner’s building caught on fire last night bc some asshole was shooting off fireworks on the front lawn 🙃
#things keep happening and happening and happening and happening and happening#and I really fucking need them to stop#tbd on if his unit caught on fire but it definitely has smoke damage#anyway. I’m exhausted for him and not to make it about me. but I’m so fucking tired#I need to hibernate for the rest of the year I think#and like. to make it more complicated this isn’t the only huge thing that’s happened to him in the last month. there’s at least two other#giant life altering things that have happened#and I have been waiting for a good time to have a hard convo with him. but shit keeps happening#and I don’t know how to do it now#I feel selfish for feeling like this but jesus fuck#i need to talk through this Thing with him before I can allow myself to get further entangled in the relationship#and he doesn’t know it’s coming and idk how it’s going to shake out. if it’ll be the end or not#but he’s so wonderful and I don’t want to lose him#and I don’t want him to lose me while all this shit is going down#but fuck. that might happen#ugh
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
local guy is immensely frustrated 👍
#i’m just. kinda sad#i don’t think i can watch horror movies anymore and i’m sad and bitter and frustrated and fuck i just want to cry and be held about it#it’s not fair it’s not fucking fair and it sounds so selfish and shitty but why the FUCK did it have to be ME#i hate the idea that it’s random i fucking HATE the reality that there is not a single fucking thing i could’ve done to stop any of this#from happening because it’s not my fault and it’s not anybody’s fault and i am just scared and tired and sick of it#i miss when my head was quiet and i miss when i didn’t have to worry about what would make me forget reality#i miss trusting people and i miss not having shitty fucking dreams and i miss my memory and i hate it i hate it all so much and i am TIRED#and i just want things to go back to normal#and i keep convincing myself that they WILL#but they won’t they fucking won’t i am fucking stuck like this and it’s ruining fucking everything#i’m. so tired#sorry#tw vent
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
circles (vicious, predictable, deeply-etched)
#i think i would nearly prefer the acute crisis flavour of depression to this one that just makes me selfish and boring and a bad friend#because i know all that and it makes me isolate myself further about it#and then i don’t even seem that bad compared to my worst so i feel like no one realises#and then i start to think i’m lying to myself and i would be those things anyway#but i don’t know because i can’t remember me without this :)#personal
4 notes
·
View notes