#and I want someone to intimately know me
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Accepting isolation, craving belonging
#art#digital art#comic#long post#this is kind of vent?#I don't want to be all I had a rough childhood wahh#I just find it bizarre to have so many little aspects of my childhood shape me#I crave isolation#I thrive in isolation#But I want to belong#I want to intimately know someone#and I want someone to intimately know me#This is to all the people who have loved me#even if we dont talk anymore#i love you and have loved you and i want nothing but for you to be happy#original post
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sunset in silence
#lord of the rings#legolas#gimli#gimleaf#gigolas#my art#this started all sweet and funny but then!!!#i remembered how in the Fanfics braiding is always portrayed as something really intimate#so then this got kind of a risky vibe...#like kissing someone when they're sleeping. kind of iffy but you want them so much#bordering on illicit... oOOooOOO#ANYWAY let me know what you think#legolas fell both first and harder#EDIT: fixed a weird colouring thing that did not show up on my tablet but did on my laptop screen?#EDIT2: fixed legolas's head... twas a bit Elongated
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me the minute i'm hit with over exhaustion: i need to die bc nobody needs me and im tired of pretending to be capable of being human
#screaming at my brain to go to sleep bc this is a feeling that you sleep away usually#and then it gets bwtter#i honestly wish i had someone close enough to comfortably tell this to rather than posting on here#i really need someone to put me to sleep#i really want to be someone for somebody that they enjoy putting effort for#but im incapable of intimacy .....#no matter how much i try ....my efforts feel all in vain. the best i get at is pretending i can be emotionally intimate w someone#but then i just dip.... because it all feels unfamiliar and scary and .... scary#im such a coward i cant look at myself i dont know how to live with myself honestly#im so annoying for myself#my brain feels like mush#no rather my brain feels exactly like the ending parade in satoshi kon's paprika#everything just happening all at once every line blurred#; words generated by me#vent tw#tw vent#suicide ideation
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You guys will let me know when the good trauma hurt/comfort fics drop about Harumasa and Lighter being triggered about being touched and seen without their choker/sunglasses and feeling nervous about their scars/how skinny he looks bc he's sick, right?
You'll keep me in your hearts when those fics drop, won't you? 🥺
#everyone wants them to fuck nasty but I personally need them pushing people away shaking and wanting to throw up before reaching that stage#I just can't envision Lighter feeling comfy with having anyone look him in the eyes or see his scars for the first time#and I think Harumasa would rather die than let people see his needle marks under his choker#the body dysmorphia hc isn't a must but it's very welcome...#I just think between him being so sick and the fear of being an ethereal he has a lot of hangups about his body and how it looks#I think he'd be bitter about it too because every sick person doesn't choose to be sick#so imagine how it feels to be falling for someone and wanting to have sex with them only to compulsively push them away#same with Lighter and his ptsd! He covers his body so much so it plays into the idea he's not proud of how he looks#it's a very intimate thing to be so close to see someone's weaknesses laid bare under the tender moonlight...#you'll tell me when the fics are done cookin yeah 🥺? The Lighter/Belle Lighter/Wise Haru/Belle Haru/Wise Haru/Seth fics....let me know!!!#lighter lorenz#asaba harumasa#zenless zone zero#wyzzze.posting
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My indecisive ass can't choose what person to ship Kakashi or Naruto with so! Polyamory it is then!
#DISCLAIMER KAKASHI AND NARUTO ARE SHIPPED WITH SEPERATE PEOPLE#NOT EACH OTHER#GOOD LORD THAT MAN KNEW HIM AS A CHILD#Polyamory you have never steered me wrong before#kakaobi#But as a tragedy#their initial dynamic as children was fun#but the tragedy of their relationship after is MUCH more fun to me#but I'm also not opposed to rin x obito x kakashi#kakagai#kakairu#Gai being someone who knows Kakashi super intimately and understands him because he was there to witness Kakashi's life go to shit#and was there for him during his breakdowns and loved him through his worst#Iruka coparenting Naruto with Kakashi#Iruka being an outsider who learnt of Kakashi through seconhand information and gossip and letting that shape his view of the man#but then actually getting closer to him and learning about the man behind the soldier#and accepting Kakashi for his faults and flaws#he shows Kakashi that there are people out there who are willing to get to know him#the REAL him#even though they might not have witnessed all that had happened to him first hand#I am so so normal about the parallels between Naruto and Iruka and Naruto and Kakashi#hatake kakashi#naruto#naruto uzumaki#NARUTO IS A BIROMANTIC KING AND WE LOVE HIM FOR IT#sasunaru#yes I get it's kinda obvious but also#naruto is so Not Normal About Sasuke At All#I want to study his brain for science#I don't need to explain this choice much there's already plenty of arguments out there about sasunaru
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having the hc that minato is ace is incredibly funny sometimes when you think about how ryoji is oh so very bi because it's like. "ah. death stole my ability to be attracted to people," in the same way that ryoji stole minato's eye color and energy level. like wow, thanks ryoji, you just keep finding things to steal from minato!
#persona 3 spoilers#minato arisato#hc and au nonsense#lizzy speaks#happy international asexuality day to my fellow aces out there i hope you know that you are loved!!! 🎊🎉🥳#i like viewing minato with the lens of him being gay / ace. esp bc it stems from my own experiences so it's fun to look at-#him from that perspective even if that's not what was intended by atlus y'know?#and im sure others have other hcs from me that are informed by their own life experiences and i think that's great ^_^#something that i found interesting while playing FES was how. stilted? minato's animations felt when hugging the girls#you could definitely go with the perspective that it's a graphical limitation or they didn't have time to polish the animations#and that's def true!! but sometimes i see the hug @ yakushima beach + the other hugs and then i compare it to the sou/yo hug in p4#and there's like... a noticeable difference to me with how intimate and close together the hugs are...#that said i do know that the animations for reload are updated and the hugs are much more natural (good on them tbh!)#the other thing is (pensive sigh). the way you couldn't reject any of the girls when doing their social links in FES#objectively speaking i'm glad that they did away with that and i like how the rejections were handled in reload. it feels naturally written#but also a part of me enjoyed looking at the “hey atlus what the FUCK” moment and thought of how to interpret it differently#specifically with the idea of minato having like.. little to no autonomy and kind of going along with the relationship#it kind of reminded me of myself tbh with like going along with the rship without considering what you want bc#it's what others want or expect out of you... LOL. i dont think atlus intended for someone to interpret it this way but#eh i think that's the fun part of hcs and looking at characters with certain lenses!#regardless of how you perceive minato i do think there's something to be said about him being the kind of guy who molds himself-#into someone that is needed. not wanted. but needed. important distinction here.#the one caveat my brain runs into when im like “minato is ace!” is when i remember thanatos exists and i go#“you know what these ideas can exist simultaneously” GKLHFHDFHD when in doubt schrodinger's headcanons#anyway that's all i've had this thought in my brain in awhile and haven't sat down to share it properly until now 👍#have an excellent weekend everyone !!! lizzy loves you all lets all nurture our inner yippee!!! 🥺💙
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Ep 6!!!
#Biggest take away from the episode: @fandom Dazai can't be Atsushi's father figure if he himself says Atsushi's father figure is the–#headmaster check your facts#Second biggest take away from the episode: the worst thing the headmaster transmitted Atsushi ought to be the terrible haircut choices#Mmmmhhh I could spend another whole tag rant to talk about how much I dislike the writing of Lucy in this episode 😭😭😭#But I worry I'll start being perceived as someone who hates women if I do so I won't.#(But let me just say. I really really *really* despite the “what women [alien and mysterious beings] want is hard to understand and–#impossible to decipher and more often than not they will say the exact opposite of what they mean” stereotype.#Like I hate it to an intimate extent.)#I quite like Kyouka's backstory!! I feel like she's the most fleshed out female character with a compelling character arc and personality.#I really like her. Lucy and Atsushi working as make-do parents (very largerly intended. More like siblings who are dating but that sounds–#even worse) was very cute. And I appreciate how the events seemed to set off Atsushi's own reflection on parenthood.#The same doesn't happen in the manga since the chapters are placed in a different order.#Overall this is just an episode that when I was reading the manga for the first time solidified my understanding that me and b/sd have#RADICALLY different views on the world. But now that after three years and having long come to terms with it.#I suppose it's just something that's there.#Ususal notes about the animation just for talks. The lack of budget really shows this episode and in the second half in particular.#It's especially noticeable in backgrounds that are just... Not the stunning backgrounds that usually make b/sd's anime strong point.#So in turn the lack of details comes off as twice as evident as it normally would :/#The whole Atsushi / Tanizaki exchange at the start of the chapter until the headmaster's identity is revealed is completely devoid–#of host which has me just?? What happened here??? A track slowly building up tension is an almost automatic choice I'm just like.#What happened. If it was a deliberate choice it was a very bad one in my humble opinion#On a more positive note I really like whoever drew the characters “background appearence” this episode eheh#(you know‚ the more stylized one when they're not on close up)#And the drawings at the end of the episode daz/atsu twilight scene were good. Kyouka's flashback was also good.#That's it :)#random rambles#Oh yeah rip chapter 39 ss/kk scene ig :///
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I've always liked this line of dialogue from SQX, because it does feel like at the end of the day, no matter how much SQX says he can't stand PM, he does still have a decent grasp of his character.
And on the other side of this, these words are just especially pointed towards Pei Xiu, who does have a good relationship with his boss/ancestor, and also going off his backstory, Pei Ming may well have been the first person in his life to acknowledge him and his talents.
So the whole thing just feels extra sad.
#that said it does bug me that px never seems to feel guilt over his own actions only how those actions affect banyue and pei ming#get it together you sopping wet cat of a man!#i've always wanted to write this but don't have the skills necessary#but i think a lot about if pm's faith in px does feel uncomfortable - is he acknowledging him because he sees his worth#or because he's a pei (something that has never helped px in any way in life)#everyone calls px a nepo baby but no no he's a hard worker and earned what he has#if anything i feel like being pei ming's descendant is still dragging him down because he's the only upper court official we know of#who's playing subordinate to someone else instead of managing his own domain#(fandom always thinks he's middle court but no its stated several times that he ascended properly lol)#(and i just find that beautifully tragic and fitting in his own way)#(px: always the understudy never the lead)#aaaanyway this all contrasts in a fun way with sqx who is the actual nepo baby#is also worshiped in conjunction with someone else BUT never reduced to just that relationship#idk just as pei ming's relationship with both shiblings is important to me#i find sqx's relationship with both peis very fascinating and wish sqx + px could be explored more#and also I want to see where swd + px fit into all of this because there's also so much potential there!#(incidentally the thing that started all of this is i was skimming the russian tl for something the other day)#(and noticed this line was translated as 'pei ming would never behave in such a way')#(and just thought that sqx calling him 'pm' here instead 'your general pei' gives the line a different vibe haha)#(it's sounds both more intimate and pointed if that makes sense?)#(anyway can you tell i am very starved for peixuan content? both peixuans)#tgcf#random tgcf thoughts#shi qingxuan#pei ming#pei xiu
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Every second remain alive I become more and more convinced that you only way someone could ever stand a chance of successfully romancing me would be to pretend they have zero romantic feelings for me (or even better, genuinely only think of me platonically) and be my close friend for a minimum of two years, and THEN broach the subject of them liking me. Because that's the only way my brain will ever even consider putting this person into the category of romantic partner/possibility.
#I feel like any time someone approaches me with romantic intentions - even respectful ones#It doesn't matter how much time or how many intimate conversations we have#I will never be fully comfortable with them#My brain rejects them#I'm repelled by the thought of going out with someone I don't know#And if they did approach me that way and I was like let's be friends for a while see how that goes#Even if nothing happened and it was never brought up my brain would just always be like “this person wants to be with you”#“They want to date you or maybe even fuck you”#And that would just sour the friendship for me#I would never be able to get comfortable and that does not a friendship make#Which rules out the possibility of any FUTURE romantic interest bc I'll never feel close enough to be interested#Does that make sense?#I've only ever been in one relationship and I hated it#Asexual? I think?#Maybe even aromantic shit#Demiromantic? Is that a thing? Gotta be#Asexual#asexuality#demiromantic#Demisexual#aroace#aromantic#aromantism
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Again again thinking
#like am I asexual or do i just fear physical intimacy because of my assault#like I have desire I experience arousal#hell I fucking love smut#but whenever I’m with a girl#like going on dates recently and even with my exes#I haven’t actually felt physical attraction to them#and the couple of times I tried to ignore that and make out or have sex#I would freeze up and dissociate#or have a panic attack#or just physically feel nothing when being touched#it’s really confusing#because also the two times I’ve developed actual feelings for someone it’s only been after knowing them for 2+ years#and I’ve been physically attracted to those two people#so like okay I think the biggest most obvious issue here is that I have not been attracted to the people I’ve been intimate with#but I desire physical intimacy so I try to engage in it anyway#and then the ptsd enters the room and complicates things further#and this is why dating is so exhausting#because even people that say they want to take things slow don’t really fully get what I mean#but I also understand not wanting to continue getting to know someone that is not attracted to you when you went into this to#ostensibly form a relationship#what does annoy me is when they respond to my honesty about not being attracted with#‘I’d love to keep getting to know you as a friend’#and then never talk to me again#like come on please just be real with me#I desire intimacy but can’t mentally or physically do casual hookups#and at this point I think I might give up on dating because it’s actually so draining#I think the only way for me to meet a potential partner is to keep making new friends and see what happens#but I don’t have energy to do anything or go anywhere outside of work#so I guess I’ll just be a spinster with a diverse sex toy collection and a Zoloft prescription
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Drusilla femme seeking Spike butch
#buffy is on tubi rn so im doing a rewatch#im sooooo normal about them I swear [lies]#the two of them are butch4femme to me#back when i was in high school and ided as bi i couldn't tell which one i wanted to be.#now i know#like. it's about the devotion. the way they dedicate themselves to taking care of the other when they are unwell#and my mental illness has gotten worse over the years and it's the fantasy of someone who sees that illness intimately#and still adores you.#and like. accepts your limitations but also makes sure you're taking care of yourself
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I know it's not healthy and I'm not gonna do it, but fuck. Part of me really wants broken and bloody knuckles. In the initial moments, it always felt better than the deep, sucking want of touch starvation.
#tw self harm#I can't have love#I can't have physical contact#and goddamnit#I can't even have pain anymore#I know the pain of broken knuckles more intimately#than I know the pleasure of holding someone's hand#and I think that's why it calls to me when the desire for touch is strongest#it's the polar opposite of what I want#but it's the closest I can get
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Maybe it's just because I'm smacked af, but I think I want to write like, a stupid wattpad type mafia au. Except not au. But original fiction. Because I thought of fun characters. And I don't have a plot, but I know there's fancy ball with like guns and pretty dresses and suits. Except I don't support guns, so maybe something else? Like knives, knives are so much more intimate.
#found this in my drafts#have no recollection of ever typing it up#i also do not remember the plot#or the characters i created#but i really like how high af me was like: knives. knives are intimate#like you know if you want to kill someone. don't pussy out and use a gun#that's so easy. you just aim and pull the trigger. you can be like 100 ft away#but with a knife#you can feel their blood on your hands. watch the light leave their eyes. really be forced to acknowledge you're actively killing someone#also i just like the idea of my character smeared with blood
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The fact that I went into that first conversation with Gortash completely blind and he somehow managed to be the one that almost convinced me to side with him is just wild to me. Gwydion had been incredibly resistant to anyone (even his partner) trying to get him to be just a little power-hungry, but then Gortash came along and started talk about unity and stability instead of "we're gonna be evil and rule the world" and it was working on Gwydion.
My only thought during the coronation scene was "damn, he really does know Gwydion"
#don't get me wrong i think gortash wpuld have definitely leaned into the 'let's be evil and rule together as evil overlords' thing if he'd#thought it would work#but the conversation had a definite 'oh yes let's be partners again and work to preserve the city and save it from itself' bent#and the fact that he was so sincere about legitimately wanting to be equals with gwydion again#I dunno#all of that really culminated in Gwydion not knowing what to do for the first time that playthrough#when I say he has a very strong personality I mean it. Most 'moral dilemmas' in the game weren't really dilemmas for him#perks of being a paladin#but then Gortash came along and confused all of that for him#I only really found out about their working relationship during that conversation bc I missed a bunch of stuff#so my surprise was genuine when Gortash started displaying fairly intimate knowledge of how Gwy works#I had Gwydion wear Gortash's gauntlet for a bit for roleplay reasons#he didn't remember the man but something in him hurt when that final blow was struck and he wasn't quite ready to move on yet#the dark urge#enver gortash#what's even more wild is i was headcanoning that his paladin oath (devotion) had been sworn to someone other than bhaal before#orin happened#and i could see a pre-tadpole Gwy deciding Gortash was a good person to swear that to so when Gortash#when Gortash started talking about swearing oaths to each other??#wild#absolutely wild#i did not get enough sleep and it shows#12:43#bg3
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if i was an artist with budget i'd be able to draw the buildup and all. i am not an artist with budget tho. so 3 panels will do
Kinda suggestive/nsfw tags btw go there with caution
anyways i think i huave covid
#perceptive little crow#fettered paintbrushes#never thought i'd be able to make a kiss scene this good. it's not spectacular but yesssssssss it's exactly what i wanted#anyhow i'll die and go to hell#depending on how im feeling I'd give you two answers over how this went down#the first one is that peka just was struggling for his life to get the knot done (he's doing a hard one) so he went#'ok maybe if i make out with her I'll be able to hide the fact i can't do this at all'#the second one is that. man. tying someone's tie? having your hands close to their body in an attempt to do something for them?#SPECIALLY what might as well be the love of your life? the one person that you just can't stop looking up to?#man that's hot as fuck#snd he felt it#of course he couldn't describe it (nor that he knows the words anyways) but he felt it deep down#the way im wording this kinda seems like this would've been their first time. like both kissing/making out and#hell maybe even having sex together#which honestly? kinds fits#i guess one of the things about their relationship is the restrain they have#i don't even know why it'd happen yet. i just feel like they wouldn't really like...allow themselves to be intimate. at all#maybe some hugs here and there but never something actually like. deeper#it's just kind of a fun scenario if the bubble finally broke in such an innocuous moment#only because one of the parties felt a little bit more aroused than usual. and decided to act upon it#i guess that'd make it the more painful once they separate bc they literally wouldn't have time to enjoy each other anymore#anyways thoughts thoughts#sorry for being insane over teorija with a suit i think a sleeper agent just activated on me#anywayssss
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you publically admitting to wanting to fuck golisopod is so funny you are so brave and valid
did you mean for that to sound so backhanded lol
#is it funny to you#the way im so profoundly lonely that i search for intimacy in things that aren't even vaguely human#i mean this account has like 5 followers and i left it in the tags and each of those 5 people know intimately that#this is the least strange shit im up to#and because i am so profoundly lonely i like the idea of someone actually reading my tags#but i think youre making fun of me so. i can jump out of my second story window if you want#lol#kidding. kidding.of course. just a little Joke.looks at the camera
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