eliounora

[eliounora]

my grandparents and great grandparents after surviving world war 2: I'm going to make this everybody's problem

[eliounora]

My Evenstar

[eliounora]

Doggust 23: Harrier, and their little hat. Feat. angel's trumpets flower (brugmansia.)

[eliounora]

i missed drawing flowers

[eliounora]

hello!! I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're facing difficulties with your friendships. I've followed you for a long while now, and I think we have fairly similar personalities. I can empathize with your situation. It really hurts to feel like that within a group.

If I notice someone is not being equally included in a group, I always make an effort to acknowledge them and make them feel involved. I really don't know why this is so difficult for many people to do.

you're not alone, and I know how frustrating and painful it can be. Some people are not very considerate.

I'm wishing you the best. I (respectfully) disagree with the prior anon, and I think you should try to distance yourself from people who make you feel more often sad than happy. I know it's very difficult to do, but you deserve genuinely kind friends, however rare they are.

hi and thank you for your kind words! it's sad because experiences of feeling left out and hurt from relationships make you so cynical and distrustful of people. like I also believe most people are not considerate. especially in group settings I believe there are one or two people who are sort of the core of the group and everyone else is trying to keep up with them and stay as close to them as possible. people are busy trying to keep up, so acknowledging someone clearly feeling left out risks their position in the group.

I feel like I have to get a clean cut from the people who hurt me or otherwise I'll feel terrible all the time omg! like ok now they're out of my life and I don't have to worry about them anymore, out of sight out of mind! and I know people will feel betrayed and sad, but the pain is so huge for me. it overtakes my whole body and my chest hurts constantly. I can't think of anything else.

I wish both of us find good and safe friendships 🩷 it takes positive experiences for us to build trust again, and it takes a great deal of patience to recognise our actions as self defense. but as you said, a few rare good friends are worth so much more than a large group where something is off all the time.

[eliounora]

hey. i really feel you on the feeling lonely around your friends thing. ive been there (and still am) because connecting with people means being vulnerable around them, and that's scary as hell, and i wish it wouldnt have to be that way but it is.

you were brave in showing your vulnerable side to your friend, but you also did something that erased all the progress your vulnerability would have achieved otherwise. telling your friend you dont wanna go to the hangout anymore because you feel left out isn't just being vulnerable; it's also running away from something you fear. and it doesn't do you any good! 

doing that only hurts others, and damages your relationships on top of that, because when you hurt others' feelings they dont feel as inclined to reassure you and tell you everything is alright. it's hard to feel sympathetic about someone who just offended you. then you take offense at them taking offense and it's a whole neverending cycle...

you wouldve done better by simply telling your friend that youre afraid that the others might not like you that much, but still choosing to go! as scary as that sounds! im sure your friend wouldve reassured you to the best of their abilities. 

which, to be fair, might not be much lol. not everybody is a licensed therapist who knows the best words to tell someone to reassure them. honestly that shit is hard, even more when feelings are involved. and yet that doesn't mean they don't care! i honestly think you should give your friends a little more leeway in that sense. after all, your meaner friend tried, even though they were feeling hurt! they might have chosen the wrong words, or focused on the wrong thing. i dont know what they are like, but you should try to extend to others the same sympathy you expect for yourself. youre not the only one with imperfections, or fears, or illogical feelings. and if you want people to accept your imperfections you have to be ready to accept theirs as well. as simple as that.

i also have friends i dont feel very comfortable opening up to. they like to gossip a tad too much, and they can be judgemental, which is hard to bear when youre not a confident person. i also feel like running away from hangouts from time to time, and often i feel everyone is closer to each other than they are to me. 

but you know what? i know that even if i magically happened to find the perfect friends, who were kind and understanding, and who made me feel welcome all the time, id never form any real connections with them if i wasnt brave enough to open up without running away! theyd only be some really nice people i hang out with, but i wouldnt really be close to them!

besides, whats the use in finding perfect people if im not able to appreciate imperfect people as they are? i dont want to be someone who cuts others off at the first instance of bothersome behavior! someone who only accepts perfect people into their life! especially since perfect people don't exist! if i make a new friend, sooner or later, i'll find something about them i don't like. and since i want someone who loves me despite my flaws, i should trying to give my friends the same treatment.

the good thing it that this whole thing about sympathy extends to yourself as well. right now you're not confident enough to open up to people. and that's alright!! you don't have to fight so hard against it. you can do it little by little, one friend at a time, one small insecurity at a time. accept yourself and your flaws. accept that change will take time and just go with the flow for a while. maybe it would help if the next time something like this happens you could stop and think "am i trying to run away right now?" even though that's easier said than done. and even when you do manage to stop and think you will still sometimes end up running away, but its fine, because your friends wont cut you off overnight, and what matters is that you allow yourself some leeway and keep trying and not beat yourself up. 

in the end, it's all in your hand. i find it reassuring to think that even when im not feeling my best, or my most confident, i can still try later. i can correct things later. i can open up to my friends later. its okay if things went wrong this time because there will be more opportunities ahead. of course i still have a lot of work to do, but hey! i said these things take time, lol!

anyway, i wish you the best of luck. i hope this message wasnt too weird. i just hope we both keep moving forward. i really do believe there are many good things coming ahead of us, but we will only truly appreciate them if we keep our eyes open to spot them when they show up.

have a lovely day

thank you for this lovely message and opening up to me! 🩷 of course what you say makes perfect sense, and the need to isolate at the first instance of feeling hurt is harmful to others as well. it becomes a foregone conclusion as well, since I will be left out since I distance myself.

I really appreciate your words about taking small steps. I think I already took one in even allowing myself to feel close to these fairly new friends, which is why the feeling of being left out sent me into such a panic, like "oh my god it's happening again" hahahah!

I don't think I'll be able to get better yet, or honestly maybe ever, since my fight or flight response is so strong. I have nightmares of past friendships and memories of them make me feel unwell and make my heart pound. when my need to leave kicks in I cannot really focus on the fact that other people might take offense, because all I know is that I need to put my shields up now and skedaddle!! so I think at this point my best bet is to accept my limits, avoid triggers (groups) and take my time.

thank you again for your message and I hope all the best to you!

[eliounora]

me making a survival plan: I will only have singular friends, no groups. my friends are not to meet each other because of the risk of them becoming better friends with each other and forgetting about me. if there are multiple friends somehow present I will emotionally detach completely. absolutely no group chats

went out with friends and felt so lonely. I hate that in situations like that you just have to pretend that you're fine because other people won't react well and will make you feel worse. I want to be angry and rage and cry!!! and I hate that I can't not feel like this, and the only way for me to deal is to distance myself from people. like I'm so broken and I can't have normal relationships with people anymore. gah!!!

[eliounora]

went out with friends and felt so lonely. I hate that in situations like that you just have to pretend that you're fine because other people won't react well and will make you feel worse. I want to be angry and rage and cry!!! and I hate that I can't not feel like this, and the only way for me to deal is to distance myself from people. like I'm so broken and I can't have normal relationships with people anymore. gah!!!

[eliounora]

And that one was for an artbook-encyclopedia on Middle Ages

Oppening page for "Tristan and Iseult" and closing for "Death of Arthu"

[eliounora]

I'm drawing faramir and I've always struggled with getting his face right so I went onto pinterest to look for inspiration, saw a photo of the actor sam claflin in period clothing, went FARAMIR!!! and here he is

[eliounora]

Hey there, from an outside perspective that friend that was mean to you about having anxiety/trauma should probably not be your friend. I know I'm only seeing a small and out of context part of your dynamic with them but like. If this is a pattern with them and/or if there's other stuff about how they treat you that doesn't sit right with you, it will be better in the long run to drop them or at least distance yourself

sincerely,

someone who didn't do that and was stuck in an abusive friendship for almost 10 years :/

I totally hear you! this is someone who otherwise I would not have become friends with but we worked extremely closely, and they really took a liking to me and asked me to hang out outside of work too (which makes sense I suppose, I'm super nice HAHA)

but you're right in that they're the kind of person who clearly does not bode well with other people vulnerability, especially when the feelings associated are not logical. I had an extremely tumultuous friendship like this in uni, where I would have my bursts of sensitivity, they would react by questioning my response often angrily (kind of a tough love approach), I would withdraw, and they would essentially say I hurt them by withdrawing. I didn't want to fight them, so I'd just apologise to get them off by back.

this is the first time I've been brave enough to show my vulnerable side to this new friend and yeaaaah I won't be doing that again. they're nice otherwise, but clearly don't have the emotional capability to deal with someone like me who gets intense and often illogical emotional responses like this. that's obviously something I'll have to work on, but I'm allowed to be imperfect too!

thank you so much for your message and I hope you're doing better these days💞 even though I'm embarrassed and feel juvenile for reacting so strongly to stuff like this, I'd rather be sensitive and gentle than prickly and unempathetic. I wish you have better friends these days who don't make you feel terrible for having feelings! bear hugs to you!!!

[eliounora]

going out with friends tomorrow and it's a big group so we need to take two cars to get there. I'm driving, and it began to seem everyone else is in one car but me and one other friend, which hit me in my Big Trauma and I began to panic that I'm left out and actually I don't want to come at all!!! and one friend is telling me "that makes no sense, it's such a short drive, why does it matter which car people are in, well if you don't want to come I can't force you" which spurs me on even more. then another friend calls me with a completely different approach and she's gentle and says everyone is excited to see me and that she'll gladly join us in my car, managing to calm me down. anyway I'm 27 years old am I too old for this

[eliounora]

it’s necessary to fight back against adult content bans obviously because it leads to queer bans, but also, you cannot forget that we must fight back against these bans because adults have the right to make and enjoy adult content. no credit card company has the right to censor what we look at. yes, this includes the “problematic kinks” and stuff you think is gross and bad. just as we deserve to be openly queer online, we deserve to enjoy adult content without fear of total censorship, and it’s absurd how few places there are to do that online nowadays

[eliounora]

This gouache piece is actually reeeeeaaaally tiny in real life !

Got to remake it one day, I enjoyed painting the temple and it could definitely look better 🤔

[eliounora]

i painted my favourite fruit 😁

[eliounora]

White tumblr racism is far more insidious than like out and proud racism cause why are you using your autism as an excuse to not view black people as equal to you

[eliounora]

edgeworth, looking at the love of his life: of… course I don’t want to get married, what are you talking abou