#and I don’t have a spouse or a job I’m just a loser

[ibyul]

Lol my brother is networking too much with my childhood crush and it’s too weird fhfjdjd like obviously I don’t like him but also I haven’t talked to him in like 15 years probably

[yakumtsaki]

Oh yay, our first thunder fire in the new house, wonder how long before someone dies again! Also love how you can see our old house in the background, a reminder you can run from your past but you can’t escape it. 

I am of course talking about this family’s past of semi-acceptable interactions between family numbers, because from now on is where things really go off the rails in this department. Allow me to introduce you to..

..Julian and Stacy’s daughter, Sunset Tinker-Union! (Because her parents wear pink and purple, get it? Get the name origin?) So the minute Bartholomew brought Sunset from school I knew it was over for me, as we’re now far enough removed from the other branches of the family tree that not even the extended family mod can save us from all those third cousins being fair game.. and you all know full well that if there’s one thing this family knows how to do, is be attracted to their distant cousins-

-I held out to one tiny hope that maybe Barflina will continue being socially incompetent losers and Sunset will hate them, but no, the minute a distant cousin enters the building it’s clearly time to turn up the charm. So first Bartholomew goes and smustles with Sunset, which, Barth, I didn’t know you were even like, biologically capable of having fun in any way-

-and then Felina (who I keep forgetting is SHY LOL WHAT) goes over to ADMIRE HER. BRO. I have never seen Felina do anything remotely nice her entire life, KILL ME.

But don’t worry, Sunset clearly takes after auntie June! She’s into it! She follows Barth to the toilet for no clear reason! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME

So you at this point you might be like ya ok, calm your tits, there’s no guarantee anything will even happen. To which I reply go back and read, not even the whole thing, just our college runs, and then get back to me. We’ve been knocking on semi-incest’s door since generation 1 and now we don’t even have to knock, I mean the door is wide open! FML

ANYWAY, all this to say, it’s time to extremely focus on finding these two flops non-related-to-us people to date before we fuck off to college, and this is ALL I’m gonna be doing this update- 

-Like haha oh man Cyn and Sandy are starting a rock band, there’s def jokes here, NO. NO TIME, DON’T CARE, HAVE TO AVERT DISASTER.

-Failina, hold your goddamn notebook closer so I can copy, it’s hard with my eyepatch! -It’ll be even harder when I take your other eye out!

Alright you two.. uh.. awesome kids, let’s go out! 

-Go out where. -And WHY.

So you can have fun, meet people, maybe sing some karaoke or play bowling! You’ve seen how much fun your ancestors have had as teens out and about, driving drunk, being hoes, committing various crimes, you wanna miss out on that experience? It’s even how grandma Shajar met grandma Sophie and that marriage could not be stronger!

-Ugh ok, I guess I do need to get started on the spouse hunt. -And I would like to get drunk in a different setting than our library.

Perfect! Who knows, by the end of the night, you might even be besties singing duets like Jojo and Gunther!

Oh my- WE LITERALLY JUST GOT HERE. WHAT CAN YOU TWO POSSIBLY BE FIGHTING ABOUT

-SCREW YOU, DAVID OTTOMAS IS MINE -NO, HE’S MINE, HE’S THE ONLY TEEN SIM IN THE LOT AND I HAVE SENIORITY -THE HELL YOU DO

OK LET’S GO HOME

-SCREW YOU, I WANNA OPEN THE GARAGE DOOR -THE DOOR IS MINE, YOU CAN’T EVEN DRIVE YET

OMG LITERALLY STOP. I LEARNED MY LESSON, I’M NEVER MAKING YOU INTERACT AGAIN

Once again, I’m crawling back to Lakshmi! Finally she has returned to us! As you might recall I had to deal with her understudy, Margaret, and frankly she was better than Lak at her job but it just wasn’t the same. Lakshmi and I have HISTORY. We have a deep, dark, beautiful relationship-

-I’m not giving you a discount. 

UGH FINE. Take 5k of our last money (I forgot to mention the new house somehow cost 500K, we legit have like 20k left)-

-and hit us with your best shot!

-Oh, I will! 

Ok but you’ve said that before and I’m still not over the time I paid you 5k for June and you gave us iVan. 

-No, this time I mean it! The path is clear! 

The ‘path is clear’?? The path for FELINA’S love life is clearer than it was for June the literal model-hot genius???

-Indeed!

I gotta say, Lakshmi, your mouth better not be writing checks your crystal ball can’t cash.

-It is not, I promise! 

Alright, I’m waiting, do it to us-

OH

MY

GOD

IT’S MEADOW

THEY HAVE 3 BOLTS THIS IS ALREADY HILARIOUS. LAKSHMI YOU ARE FORGIVEN FOR ALL THE SHIT YOU’VE EVER PULLED ON ME

Bro this pairing is KILLING ME. Like I get it on paper since they’re both family sims and I guess their chemistry panels and zodiacs must insanely match too, but I thought Felina would get with someone like idk. Gvaudoin? Alegra Gorey? Klara Vonderstein? Maybe the Diva or a vamp NPC? Like you know what I mean, someone that makes sense with the whole dark queen powerful dynasty blabla she has going on. But no, she’s gonna start this house Lannister bs her LTW is about with.. MEADOW THAYER. I love it so much, Felina please don’t ruin this for us!

FELINA WTF DID I JUST SAY

-Sorry, but I don’t know you well enough to accept you touching my shoulder, huhu!🌞

-But if you want to tickle me again, that’s somehow more acceptable to me despite it involving way more touching!🌞

Alright, as I suspected, not a lot going on upstairs with dear Meadow, but it’s ok, I’m just glad to have a huhuing sim around again, Cyn is like 80yo :(

Ah, the tickling of love! Good job, Fel, now we can work our way up to flirting-

-Or I can just not be a turbocuck AND GO FOR IT

Man, the Sophie genes kicked in! Good for you, Fel!

Backyard karaoke time! Seriously what song could these two possibly BOTH like, please comment or msg me your guesses. 

So at this point I’m already 100% sold on Meadow as a spouse as I don’t think it’s humanly possible to come up with a funnier pairing than what fate dropped in my lap, but I’d also like to point out that Felina is so into Meadow that she’s already rolling fears of falling out of love with her, despite not even BEING IN LOVE WITH HER YET. Family sims are a fucking trip. 

CUTE. Alright Felina, you’re set, we got it in one, semi-incest avoided, yay us. Now I’m gonna leave you to your dream date and focus on Barth-

-who is gambling by himself. Guess I don’t need to ask who’s drunk again!

-That’s one safe bet, haha! 

Good Lord. Alright, get up, let’s find you someone while Lakshmi is still here, I’m sure our amazing luck will continue-

-OH FUCK IT’S TIAVE TEENS, HE HAS THE DON BROKEN FACE THING. ABORT ABORT

Oh good there’s nothing to abort, because it turns out Bartholomew is a COMPLETE FAILURE OF A ROMANCE SIM. Observe and keep in mind THEY HAVE 3 BOLTS:

-LALALA LALALA NOT LISTENING TO YOU INSULT MY SPATULA, FUCK OFF

LOL NO @ THE NOOGIES RETURN. FUCK. So clearly Felina has grandma Sophie’s chadly genes and Bartholomew has grandma Shajar’s noogiesexuality, except he’s a romance sim with a 20 woohoo LTW. College with this guy is gonna be UNBEARABLE. 

Alright, Barth, let’s try this again, don’t be discouraged! Ignore our lack of cash!

Ignore that Felina got it right on the first try and is still on her endless dream date!

PATRICK TEENS?! LMAO. Bartholomew is so committed to going through family trees, like if it’s not gonna be his own it’s gonna be SOMEONE’S, he doesn’t care! Unlike Don-clone Tiave, Patrick is cute tho, let’s give it a try-

-Ya, let me stop you right there, buddy, not into it but best of luck in your future endeavors!

Bruh. Let’s extremely call it a night, Barth.

-Oh hi, huhu!🌸 -Hi hi, huhu!🌞 -I feel like I know you?💗

Ya Cyn, if I didn’t have photographic proof that it’s not true I’d legit think she’s your long lost daughter. Man ACTUALLY how much sense does it make that like people tend to seek out partners that remind them of their parents and Cyn was always such a maternal influence on Felina??? Holy hell this game has so many layers. 

Clearly inspired by seeing her younger self in Meadow, Cyn finally finds it in her to woohoo again after Don’s passing! It’s legitimately crazy to me how loyal she was to him in death, like I can’t get over it, she never extended that courtesy to him while he was alive!

-𝚁𝙴𝚂𝚃𝙰𝚁𝚃 𝙼𝚈 𝙵𝙸𝚁𝙴.𝙴𝚇𝙴

It’s ok, Barth, you sleep off the romantic flopping and that tray of whiskeys and we’ll try again tomorrow.

-Ya, make sure to call us over when he ‘tries again tomorrow’ cause we don’t wanna miss it HAHA -HAHAHA boy did I screw him over by passing down my personality points! -You sure did, my little turbocuck! Let’s sleep in the same bed tonight, I can’t get into this one anyway with this flop sleeping there! -That’s what everyone is gonna be saying to him in college HAHAHA -HAHAHAHA oh Shaj, I love you, let’s work on our marriage! -I love you too, we’ll overcome our issues!

Awww, see Barth? Love wins❤️

[vizthedatum]

Really struggling today because I realized and then checked that I do indeed have a UTI (based on the urine cultures that were done last week when I had my bladder instillation and then on Tuesday when I dropped off a sample at the hospital) and the nurse last week called me and told me I didn’t need antibiotics and I trusted her.

And I shouldn’t have. This is the nurse I specifically have written on my chart WHO IS NOT ALLOWED TO CATHETERIZE ME OR DO MY BLADDER INSTILLATIONS ANYMORE. She literally cannot even treat me right and I’ve been so patient with her.

I just took her word for it even though I know better.

I’ve just been so overwhelmed with my mood swings and emotions and my fucking job… that I didn’t check.

And now I’ve left multiple messages at the hospital (WHERE I WORK AT OMFG) and on my health portal… and I’m so angry.

I am so angry.

My office and fucking UPMC doesn’t even consider Intersitial Cystitis (IC) a disability. And having a UTI when you have IC is SO FUCKING PAINFUL.

I am all alone. I live all alone. I am broken and traumatized with no nesting partner and likely no one who will ever live with me again because I’m not okay. I need a lot of help and stability in my life, and my experience with humans have been: they’re selfish and unkind and NOT STABLE. My stupid ableist ex-spouse hated that I was disabled and yelled at me for all the shit I couldn’t do even when I took care of their abled ass - what a fucking loser.

I always have to end up taking care of my live-in partners while I get more and more disabled then I can’t do anything and then they all resent me for it. Or they try to control and limit my autonomy when I dare to try to help myself.

What even is the point of all this?

I’m never going to stop having pain and I have to use my other diagnoses such as PTSD and IBS to get disability accommodations for work.

Do you know what IC feels like?

It feels like a forever UTI where it burns while you pee and your urethra keeps burning when you’re not peeing. Your energy gets zapped. Lower abdominal pain. Sharp pain when you have penetrative sex. Sometimes you pee blood. Sometimes the pain gets so bad, you can’t think no matter how many skills you have or what you’ve done to prepare.

People with disabilities are also expected to lead VIRTUOUS lives - following the best diets and exercise routines to help alleviate their condition.

I try.

But do you know how hard it is to be a fucking human with so much trauma and a desperate need to be loved by a community because their parents couldn’t love them… and try to follow the best diet and exercise routines?

Laughable that I get blamed for my poor upkeep of my health when I’m literally disabled.

Laughable because I’m still fucking here despite it all even though I’m a mess.

I feel betrayed by everyone in my life who has ever claimed to have loved me. I feel betrayed by the medical system, a system where I have made my career. I feel betrayed by my own body because I don’t know if anything I do will ever be enough.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

If I Fell For You (Part 14) - Keep Close

Summary: The Ackles have the Padalecki’s over for dinner and let it slip that they’re engaged. Things seem to be going well but the anniversary of the accident is coming up and the reader comes up with the Ackles taking their first vacation together as a means of distracting Jensen as well reconnecting with Ray...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x nanny!reader

Word Count: 4,800ish

Warnings: language, mention of sex, mention of a dead parent/spouse, anxiety

A/N: Please enjoy and let me know what you think!

________

“I’m stuffed,” said Jensen that night, the kids running around playing soccer in the yard after dinner. 

“I need that chicken recipe,” said Jared.

“I’ll write it down for you guys,” you said, sitting back in your chair. “You can do it with breast too if you like that better.”

“I want exactly this like, everyday from now on,” said Jared. Gen rolled her eyes and Jensen pulled out his phone. “Want me to take a pic?”

“I don’t need your freakishly long arms just yet,” chuckled Jensen. He turned around and took one of the four of you at the table before handing off his phone. “Mind getting one of us?”

“Your mom harassing you for engagement photos already?” asked Gen.

“By the time we were leaving they were both asking for photos and being obnoxious. Better than they were though,” said Jensen, smiling beside you. Jared took a few more and handed the phone back. 

“I still can’t believe your parents would act like that,” said Gen. “I mean obviously I’m super happy it got fixed but that’s so unlike them.”

“They made a mistake is all,” you said with a smile. “I don’t know about you guys but I’m going to finish this beer in the pool.”

“I think I’ll join you,” said Jared. He stood up and had a look on his face you caught too late. Before you knew it he had you picked up and was jogging over to the deep end and jumping in with you.

“Jared!” you said when you popped up. He giggled and swam off to the shallow end. “After I helped pick up the plates ya big lug.”

“We got it,” said Jensen, carrying over two beer cans and handing them to you. “We’ll join you guys in a few.”

About ten minutes later Jensen was leaning against the side of the pool in his bright red swim trunks, handing you the other half of his cookie cake piece.

“So any big plans for the wedding?” asked Jared, sat on the pool steps with Gen.

“I have a thought,” you said, turning to Jensen. “I haven’t discussed it with Jensen yet.”

“Vegas. Shotgun wedding,” he laughed. You shook your head and he grinned. “You’re thinking the farm, aren’t you.”

“What do you think? It could be outdoor or indoor, whatever it needs to be depending on the weather.”

“I’d love that,” he said, giving you a squeeze. “That’d be perfect for us.”

“You own a farm?” asked Jared. 

“Yeah, ten minutes from the brewery.”

“Dudes. You can open bar with your own beer. Oh and dibs on being a groomsmen.”

“Like that wasn’t gonna happen,” said Jensen.

“I don’t know on that,” you said. Jared’s face fell and you shook your head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that you wouldn’t be one. Of course you would. I just don’t have a lot of close girlfriends. I think it’d be weird if Jensen had a ton and…”

“I don’t think it’s weird,” said Gen. “We didn’t have an even number at our wedding.”

“We got time to figure that stuff out,” said Jensen, holding your waist. You finished the last bite of cookie and hummed. 

“So you two having a kid?” asked Jared. Gen whacked his chest and he shrugged.

“Jesus, Jare. Don’t ask that.”

“They’re our best friends and godparents to our children...although I guess Y/N didn’t know that she inherited that until now but come on, I know you’re wondering too.”

“Shut up,” said Gen, crossing her arms. “Obviously if they decide, they’ll tell us when it happens.”

“Yeah, I think there’ll be at least one,” you laughed. Gen lit up and turned to Jared.

“Last time they said they were having a baby guess what we did? I can’t handle no more babies,” said Jared.

“Can you even get that thing up anymore?” teased Jensen, sipping on his beer.

“You’re one to talk, old man.”

“That shit still works just fine.”

“Just fine?” shot back Jared.

“Oh my God. You’re both good at sex. Y/N be grateful you’ve missed this same conversation over and over for the past sixteen odd years,” said Gen. 

“I’m still taller,” said Jared with a smirk.

“I can last longer,” said Jensen with one of his own. They narrowed their eyes at one another and Jared stood up.

“Go wrestle on the grass,” groaned Gen. They both huffed and got out of the pool before starting to playfully wrestle. “See, what you may not realize yet is you have another child right there.”

“Yeah but he’s hot,” you said, Gen laughing while you sat beside her. “Do you guys really talk about sex with each other?”

“Yes and no. The boys are you know, boys. They’d combust if they didn’t tease each other. I wouldn’t say there’s like, intimate details or anything ever shared. They’re both pretty private about that sort of thing. Dee and I would talk but more so say we had fun the night before. Shit we probably talked about sex toys more than anything.”

You stopped mid sip of your beer and she laughed.

“When your guy is thousands of miles away for that long out of the year, you gotta get off on your own. You get pretty good at phone sex too. You’re lucky. Jensen won’t be staying away so long ever again he said.”

“No, no. But uh...before Jensen I’d had the same boyfriend forever and he was as vanilla as could be. We didn’t do that stuff really together.”

“I can text you some links to stuff. It’s not like you have to go in some scary store or anything. It’s discrete and I think a small vibe would be great to start with. You can use it during sex or foreplay or whatever. Just you know, have fun.”

“Jensen and I kinda got busted by the cops a week or so back for...activities in the backseat,” you said. She started to laugh and you groaned. “Thankfully it was his friend that caught us so he let us off the hook but...it was kinda fun.”

“Good,” she said, sighing as Jensen pinned Jared down. “Hey so yeah about that wedding thing. Jared had two more groomsmen than I had girls. It doesn’t have to be matchy, matchy, you know?”

“I know. I don’t know if…” you trailed off. “I lost my friend group when I broke it off with my last boyfriend. We’d been together for over ten years and I kept turning down his proposals and they didn’t like that. I have some nanny friends but not a lot and no one I’m really close to. I don’t know if I’d even get more than five people to come for me. Everyone else is his family and friends and I didn’t think about that until just now. I mean what would they think, seeing that? I don’t know if I even want anyone there now.”

“I think what they’d see is someone they care about marrying someone he loves. Just because we’re Jensen’s friends doesn’t mean we’re not your friends too. I know we’re still getting to know each other but we’ll be as close as those two eventually. Ruthie was texting me and we’re having a girls night the next convention in Dallas. You literally have a built in crew ready to go from the show, the girls and the guys. You are so coming with me to the next night I have with my local girlfriends and you got our family. You even got Dee’s parents. You have more than you know, sweetie.”

“I never had a best friend growing up except for my mom. Until Jensen,” you said. “I’ve never really been good at the friend thing.”

“Were you bullied in school?” she asked quietly.

“Don’t tell anyone besides Jared but my dad wasn’t a good person. He hurt me and so I was afraid of getting in trouble so I didn’t talk to other kids all that much until I got old enough to understand what he was doing was wrong and that’s how I ended up being adopted.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Can’t do anything about it now. But I can have it not control my life too. I’ve been pretty good since I was nine in that department. My mom dying sucked and things have been up and down but I like where I am now. This is easily the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.”

“Jens’s not perfect.”

“I know. But he’s good enough. He gave me a certain confidence to live my life, like really live it.”

“He’s alright,” she smiled. “You know I have an idea about this bridesmaids thing you might like.”

“You?”

“Oh I would for sure but I meant more so I know two little girls that wouldn’t mind. Maybe there’s a boy too,” she said.

“I’m gonna need you to be my wedding planner at this rate,” you said.

“Job accepted,” she said. “I say we go farmhouse modern style.”

“Gen. I got engaged like two weeks ago. We have time,” you said. “We don’t even have a date.”

“At the very least can we go dress shopping?” she asked.

“I’m going to regret this,” you sighed as Jensen stepped back in the water.

“Get yourself a stronger man, Padalecki. That one is weak,” he said. Jared followed him right after and went to tackle him when Gen caught his arm.

“Boys, not in the water,” she said.

“Chicken?” asked Jensen.

“Losers pick up the tab for when we go out this weekend for dinner. Deal?” asked Jared.

“Well in that case, you’re on.”

Two Weeks Later

“Jensen,” you said, carding your fingers through his hair while he absentmindedly burnt some eggs. “You okay babe?”

“Yeah. We ought to pack up the kids, get on the road soon if we’re gonna hit the beach.”

“I’m gonna drive, okay?” you asked. He nodded and you got out the eggs again, making up a new batch. “Do you want to talk to Ray?”

“Why?” he asked quietly, leaning back against the counter.

“Anniversaries of traumatic events can be triggering,” you said. “My mom died two days ago. Well, you know what I mean.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” he asked.

“Because it doesn’t trigger me anymore. But it did and this is the first time...the first one is the roughest.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I ought to talk to him.”

“Eat your breakfast. I’ll give him a call and get the kids ready while you guys talk, okay?” you said.

“Thank you,” he said. You kissed his cheek and hugged him before you went upstairs for your phone. It rang a few times but Ray finally answered, noise in the background.

“Y/N. Everything alright?” he asked.

“Hey. Yeah. We’re...we’re pretty good. Today’s the first anniversary of Jensen’s-”

“Ah. I understand.”

“Listen, I know it’s a Sunday and you don’t work the weekends but would you mind talking to him for a few minutes? We’re going down to Galveston for the week in a bit but he’s off this morning.”

“I’d talk to him even if he wasn’t your fiance but especially because of that. You know we’re actually down here ourselves for a few days. Just got down yesterday. If you guys are around...maybe we could get together for that swim.”

“I’d like that. You okay?” you asked.

“I always get a little down on the day but Sarah understands. You understand.”

“Yeah. I’m gonna put Jensen on and um, maybe we can meet at Arillo’s for dinner?”

“We got a reservation there ourselves tonight. How many in your crew? Five? I’ll call and ask for an update.”

“Yeah there’s five of us. Um, Ray?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for being so horrible as a teenager after mom. You loved her as much as I did.”

“Thank you but you don’t have to apologize for that. You got too much pain in your life. I’m glad you found the good stuff too.”

“Are Geroge and Taylor there?” you asked.

“Yeah kids are here. Taylor’s got some internship but she does it online half the day and George is some research assistant thing for one of his professors but same kinda deal. We leave them to work in the morning while Sarah and I have some fun. Want me to let them know you’re coming?”

“Probably a good idea. Not sure how they’ll react,” you said, Jensen poking his head into the bedroom. “Here’s Jensen.”

“Okay, sweetie. We’ll see you guys soon.”

You handed the phone to Jensen and finished up packing while he sat on the bed. You tried to leave him be but couldn’t help listening in.

“Yeah I’m anxious...I don’t want her to drive down today...you know why...I guess...probably...I don’t want to be freaking out for three hours in the car...because it’s today...I know...I know...so I have to suck it up...I don’t want to have a panic attack in the car with the kids...no I haven’t...I’m scared I will though...yeah...I understand...dude that sounds so stupid...that’s not medically anything...no I don’t have my doctorate...I don’t wanna ask her...I said I don’t want to, not that I wouldn’t...I know...I will...maybe I’ll try that too...yeah, Y/N said the first year is the roughest too...I’ll let her be in charge until we get down to the beach today. I think I’ll feel better after the car...yeah I kinda figured out what she was doing planning a trip on today of all days...I need it...really? Yeah, I’m looking forward to meeting up down there too...thanks Ray.”

You finished with your suitcase and had his open for him when he walked into the closet. He swallowed and handed your phone back.

“All good?” you asked.

“Ray thought it might be a good idea if I had something of yours with me on the way down, to keep on me since I’m...anxious this morning about being in a car.”

“Something of mine…” you said, looking at your side of the closet. “Why don’t you pack up and I’ll get you something before the road, okay?”

He nodded and twenty minutes and about three bathroom trips later the SUV was packed up. You hopped behind the wheel, Jensen tapping the arm rest from the passenger seat. 

“Here,” you said, reaching into your pocket, pulling out a bracelet. It was fabric, the kind made from craft string, white, rusty orange and a light tan color mixed together. 

“I’ve never seen this,” he said as he held it between his fingers.

“I got it on vacation with mom and Ray. Last one we went on,” you said, tying it around his wrist. “You have it.”

He stared at you as you turned the engine on, watching you backout. 

“This is too important for me to take,” he said quietly.

“It’s fabric. I want you to have it, okay?” you said, pulling onto the street and closing the gate. He nodded and you turned the radio on low. “Coffee run?”

“Yeah. Coffee sounds good right about now.”

You were only about fifteen or so minutes away from the beach house you’d rented. The kids were either taking naps in the backseats or watching a movie on the ipad. You risked a glance at Jensen, his fingers absently toying with the bracelet while he looked out the window, the radio on low. 

“How you doing big guy?” you asked as you pulled off to the exit ramp. 

“Pretty good now,” he said softly. 

“Mind navigating for me?” you asked. He hummed and picked up your phone from where it sat in the console the past few hours. About twenty minutes or so you were stretching outside of the car, Jensen opening the front door of the house with the code you’d been given. The kids climbed out and were good about each taking their own backpacks while you and Jensen gathered up the rest. 

“Come here,” he said, leaving the bags by his feet and kissing you against the side of the car. You grinned and he picked you up in a big squeezing hug. “I love you.”

“I know,” you said. He set you down and kissed you again. “You seem like yourself again.”

“I needed that push, get over that fear. But now, I can enjoy my day with my girl and my kiddos and apparently we are having dinner with Ray and his family tonight?” he asked.

“If that’s alright,” you said.

“One hundred percent,” he said, Arrow jumping up and down nearby. “Honey, go use the bathroom in the house if you have to go.”

“No I’m excited!” she said. “Can we go play on the beach? Pretty please?”

“Hm, give daddy fifteen minutes and then we can go?” he asked. She turned to you and grinned.

“We’ll go really soon sweetie. I promise.”

“Hey guys,” said Jensen an hour later, the five of you down on the beach and mostly watching them build a sandcastle together. “Y/N and I want to tell you something.”

“Is it that you guys are getting married?” asked JJ, patting some sand with her shovel. You glanced at Jensen and he shrugged. “You were talking to Aunt Gen and Uncle Jared about it last night, right?”

“Well, yes we were,” said Jensen. “I suppose we were a little louder than we thought. But yes, Y/N and I have decided to get married. We’re not sure when exactly but in the next year I can say.”

“So we have a mom again?” asked Arrow, fixing her corner of the castle that kept caving in.

“Well you guys are kinda lucky. You’ll get two moms,” he said. “How’s that sound?”

“We missed mom’s day,” she said with a sigh. “Right?”

“We’ll catch it next year, promise,” said Jensen. “Do you guys have any questions or anything you want to say?”

“Do we call you mom now?” asked JJ. 

“You guys call me whatever you want,” you said.

“Can we call you mom?” she asked. You nodded and she went back to playing in the sand. 

“Anything else guys?” asked Jensen.

“Can I get a giraffe?” asked Zeppelin while he figured out how much water to add to the sand to get it to stick together.

“No sweetie. They wouldn’t fit at our house,” said Jensen. 

“Darn it,” he said.

“I can tell you’re all so invested in this topic,” chuckled Jensen.

“Oh! Can my flower girl dress be purple?” asked JJ. 

“Your dress can be whatever color you want it to be,” you said.

“Awesome,” she said. “Or black and purple. With lightning stripes.”

“Ah, I knew the classic rock would finally pay off,” said Jensen.

“Maybe Daddy’s suit can be black and white stripes, like a tiger,” you said.

“Like a White Snake music video more like it,” he laughed. “We’ll figure all that stuff out. We wanted to make sure you guys knew was all and if you have any questions or were nervous or anything you know you can ask either one of us.”

“Mom makes you happy again. Of course you gotta marry her!” said Arrow. “Oh and get her a pony. Girls like that.”

“Would you care for a pony, sweetheart?” asked Jensen as he shook his head. 

“Are we talking mustang kind of pony?” you asked.

“That’s my girl,” he said, wrapping an arm over your shoulders, kissing your cheek. “Let dad get a picture of you guys. We’re on vacation after all.”

Five Hours Later

“Jensen,” you said, changing into a light summer top and a pair of denim shorts after your shower. He was standing by his suitcase undressed, trailing his finger over his scar. “Honey?”

“A year ago was the worst day of my life and today was a really great one. I get to meet Ray more and even Sarah and the kids who all sound great and...I’m really happy I’m still here to see all this.”

“Me too,” you said, wrapping your arms around him. “Wear your red underwear.”

“Is that a request?”

“I like how you look when you take it off,” you said, gently smacking his ass as you went to go fix your hair.

“I am so grateful I found you,” he said to himself. You smiled and brushed your teeth quickly before checking yourself over and taking a selfie. You sat up on the counter and opened instagram, still silently grateful you’d always had it on private. There was nothing bad on it but Jensen and Jared had tagged you before and all of the comments always seemed to be negative.

“How do I look?” asked Jensen, walking in wearing a short sleeve navy button down and his red underwear.

“So sexy,” you giggled, Jensen digging through his other bag and finding his khaki shorts. 

“Can I get away with sneakers and a backwards baseball cap at this restaurant?” he asked.

“Totally. We always eat outside. It’s near the pier,” you said, putting up your post.

“Taking more pictures I can show off of you again?” he asked, grabbing your brush and getting some control of his damp hair back.

“Nobody even sees my instagram hardly,” you said.

“You know the internet knows we’re dating, right.”

“I’m pretty sure your fans still aren’t okay with that fact, even if they know.”

“Oh you’re mistaking the nutjobs for actual fans. The real ones, those guys are cool and nice. I actually got a lot of care packages and things from them last year. Still do. They really are good people. Those other ones that leave nasty comments? Fuck them. That shit don’t bother me anymore.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying family and friends know. Can I show off the woman I love to the world?” You wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled him in front of you, his head cocking. 

“Yeah,” you said. “Better late than never.”

“Okay,” he said. “For now though, I’m looking forward to this dinner.”

“I hope it goes well. It’s George and Taylor I’m more worried about. They were kids when I decided to stop coming around. I only knew them maybe two years, if even that. I know they were upset.”

“Give them some credit. Ray raised them too after all.”

“I’m all set!” said Zeppelin, walking into the bathroom with his paw patrol shirt and nothing else on.

“At least I was gonna wear underwear,” chuckled Jensen. “Little dude. Get some undies on and shorts in the next two minutes or else…” he trailed off as he came in and hugged Jensen’s leg. 

“I love you, daddy,” he said.

“I love you.”

“Can we get a giraffe now?” he asked. Jensen rolled his eyes and you released him.

“Let’s go finish getting you dressed, buddy.”

“So you guys were Sarah’s fosters?” asked Jensen towards the end of dinner, all three kids passed out asleep in the stroller or on the bench besides you while you picked at your shared dessert. Neither George or Taylor had said much aside from introducing themselves. 

“Guys,” said Ray, nudging Taylor. “I’m sorry for our children’s rudeness. I was afraid of this.”

“Shut up,” they both said, Sarah sighing.

“The kids were both big fans of Supernatural. They grew up watching it with me. It was something we bonded over at first in fact,” she said. 

“Oh,” said Jensen, a smirk forming on his face. “Sam or Dean girls? George come on buddy, it’s okay.”

“This isn’t happening,” said Taylor, her eyes squeezed shut.

“So you guys don’t want to hear about the movie, gotcha,” he said, both of them snapping their heads up.

“He really is a dork,” you said. 

“Movie?” asked George.

“Someday. You can count on it,” said Jensen. “Maybe I’ll go easy on you guys and ask what mom was?”

“You boys are a little young for my tastes but honestly the guy who played John was very attractive,” she said.

“Even I’d hit that,” said Ray, Sarah laughing to herself.

“You can see Ray wins his ladies over with his charm,” you said, glancing at Taylor and George. “Like you guys could literally ask anything you ever wanted about the show and get an unfiltered answer if you want.”

“Did you really keep the car?” asked George. Jensen nodded and held up his finger.

“When we’re back in town, you guys come over and you can take a spin in it,” he said.

“Okay, he’s cool with me,” said George. You cocked your head and he smiled. “That was the car from the show I always told you about.”

“Oh. I thought you were talking about batman or something,” you said, pursing your lips. “Sorry I wasn’t…”

“You always sucked at pretending to be happy,” said Taylor. You looked down and nodded. “We get it. You had to do your own thing.”

“Don’t hate me for leaving?”

“Maybe when we were little,” she said. “But we’re older and we get that you probably felt like a fifth wheel.”

“Yeah. A lot really,” you said. “It worked out though.”

“She’s a Dean girl by the way,” said Ray, cracking up as Taylor whacked his arm.

“Dad! Oh my God no I’m not! I like Sam!” she said.

“Want to talk to him?” grinned Jensen. Her face went red and you heard a quiet chuckle at the table. “You’re right, we’ll save that for in person.”

“You basically are marrying Dean Winchester without like, the trauma,” she said. Jensen tensed up but kept a smile on his face. You knew Ray caught it when he gave him a simple nod.

“Trauma’s not inherently bad,” said Ray. “Everyone at this table has gone through some.”

“I know, dad,” she said quietly. She looked at George and he nodded. “Our parents were in a house fire. So were we. I was five and Georgie was four.”

“She carried him out and went next door for help,” you said.

“I was in a car accident last year,” said Jensen. You turned your head. It wasn’t public knowledge that he was in the car. He’d flat out told you that aside from family and a few friends, no one besides you knew. “I almost died. My wife did but for other reasons. You can still have trauma and a really good life.”

“Very good point, Jensen,” said Ray. “You two rugrats wouldn’t be around if mom and I had moped around in our misery forever.”

“Was he always such a sap?” asked George.

“From the day I met him,” you said, Jensen grabbing your hand under the table. “Would you mind watching the kids for a second?”

“Not at all,” he said. You excused yourself and brought Jensen along with you, walking out to the beach area, the breeze cool but light.

“You alright?”

“Yeah. I can talk about it now. I went from having the worst year of my life to one of the best. Nothing bad’s gonna happen for saying what really happened. I want to let all that shit go and have the rest of that really good life I was talking about.”

“For someone who keeps a lot inside I sure have noticed a difference in you the past few weeks.”

“To quote both of the loves of my life, I gotta let that shit out more regularly,” he said. You smiled and wrapped your arms over his shoulders, giving him a kiss. 

“You know that’s what we call growth, babe.”

“I very easily could have gone the opposite way this year.”

“But you didn’t, cause you tried even though it sucks sometimes. I love you but I extra love happy you and you’re definitely a happier guy now than when I met you.”

“So are you, honey,” he said. “Must make a pretty good team or something.”

“Oh yeah, maybe that’s it.”

“We should honestly get like, married or something, you know?” he teased.

“First I have to know though, are you willing to do cookie cake for a wedding cake?”

“I’m willing to make that sacrifice,” he said. “The real questions is, are you willing to deal with the eventual dad bod that will happen as a result?”

“I love this bod, but I don’t love you for this bod,” you said. 

“Thank you for today,” he said softly. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you said. He grinned and kissed your cheek, hugging you tightly. “What are best friends for?”

“Everything?”

“Hell yeah they are Ackles.”

_______

A/N: Read Part 15 here!

[emo-and-confused]

Out of context things my Global Perspectives teacher has said:

Information: This was a 10th grade zoom class for the academy program at my public high school

“I know you’re all fans of K-pop, right?”

“You are not allowed to record. If I find out you are recording, I will find you, and I will destroy you.”

“Please ask a question, I’m so bored of talking.”

“I don't like listening to myself talk. My wife disagrees but-“

“It’s basically a “do you know how to read” quiz. so if you don’t know how to read, I don’t know how you got here.”

“Be prepared for a lot of dead jokes. Cause they’re fun. Cancer jokes are fun too. My dad died of cancer, so I guess I have the right to make them.”

“I have very little sympathy. If your grandma dies.. we’ll talk. If your grandma keeps dying, I’ll have to ask some questions.”

“I don’t text and drive, but I email and drive.”

“Do not copy me, I am not a lawyer.”

“I almost got killed so many times. I should've got killed, like legally. I still have both my hands which is surprising. so, I have so many stories of Saudi Arabia.”

“My most favorite child of mine, my dog.” (he has three human children)

[internet fluctuates] “Play the dinosaur game? What’s the dinosaur game?” (he learns to play the dinosaur game)

“Let me know if anything is going on. If your dad is currently dying of cancer, and you want more cancer jokes, please tell me.”

“I will drive to their house and cough on them and give them coronavirus.” “I will threaten you with biological abuse.”

“Have I told you my suicide Christian joke yet? No? Can I tell you guys my suicide Christian joke?”

“I don’t know my mom’s phone number. I don’t know my dad’s either.. but that’s for different reasons :)”

“Not the dirt on your shoes, the coronavirus in your lungs.”

“Speaking of addiction... nevermind I can’t tell you that yet.”

[to me] “You should not lie to yourself, I’m sorry that you do.”

“This is why you guys are so depressed, you guys don’t sleep.”

“You guys did great, give yourselves a pat on the back.... wow, only a few of us did that. The rest of you guys are losers.”

“I’m so white, I can’t roll my r’s, I’m sorry-“

“I just wanna get off the camera and go cry again.”

“Teah, Canadians, boring! Stop apologizing all the time! We get it, you like hockey!”

“Welch? Nobody cares about the Welch. They’re just smaller english people.”

“Don’t be stupid like me.”

“All of your teachers used to be stupid. Now some of them are less stupid”

“l don’t recommend making out with people with aids.” “Here’s a better suggestion, stop making out with people.” “You know who you should be making out with? Your spouse. Get married and then make out.” “You should not be making out with Jesus. That’s gross.”

“You know what else is dumb? The speed limit. Speed limits are dumb, yeah- you know what else? Tires! You don’t need them! They’re dumb! You don’t need oil changes! Yeah, that’s dumb! You know what else is dumb? Taxes! Screw the man!”

“No, the holy spirit will not get rid of aids” [pause] “Well—-“

“We can talk about pedophilia another day.”

“No wonder you all are addicts.”

“If you’ve been eating the same breakfast for the past 7 years, you might have a mental disorder.”

“If I’m ever on the show Naked and Afraid, please don’t watch, cause I'll be naked and afraid.”

“I know you’re not used to a grown man caring about you, cause you haven’t seen your dad in five years. It's okay. I wish he was around more often.”

“I got hit on at Busch Gardens and it was amazing.” “I haven’t been hit on in ten years.”

“If I ever get killed by the government, man, I want it to be a firing squad. That’s a badass way to go.”

“Do you guys wanna see me, in high school, as a Dr. Pepper can?” 

“We might not learn anything in this class but at least we have fun.”

“It is possible that I might have made some Dr. Pepper commercials. And it is possible that I might have made some Dr. Pepper music videos.” “Who says I'm not a Dr. Pepper shareholder? I have never made that claim.”

“Did I tell you about that time I waterboarded a kid? No? Ah, well that’s a story for later.”

“Yes, I do believe in Santa. I believe he is Satan.”

“I'm just trying to give you legal advice.. I am not a lawyer though, so don’t take my legal advice.”

“You didn’t go to sleep until 3am? I've been up since 3am! We swapped!”

“Murders have experience, I wouldn’t let them near my children.”

“Is anyone here a flat earther? I promise I won't make fun of you. Unless you’re {Con}.”

“I wouldn't let any of you near my children. The only one of you I would let watch my daughter is {Con}.” [Me, in chat: ‘why me??’] “Why? Because I feel like she could put you in your place. She's three and a half and has no filter. She would insult you to your face.”

“Welcome to my bedroom. I tried to say that as creepy as possible, I hope it worked.”

“[Con] have you killed anyone this morning?”

“Guys, I’m gonna announce my bias right now. I’m a round earther/”

(the class he says he’s quitting) [Me, in the chat: ‘who’s gonna call me out in the middle of class for no reason now :/’] “Who’s gonna call you out in the middle of class? uh... Molly! Your new job is to call {Con} out and tell them what a terrible person they are.”

“So yeah, I was almost possessed in Sri Lanka.”

“{Con}, stop. Just because you’re possessed now does not mean you can roll your eyes when I say I was almost possessed.”

“No, Kaine didn’t come into school. Kaine hasn’t left his room, in like, eight months.”

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 296: Ngl, This One Pissed Me Off

Previously on BnHA: Deku was all, “p.s. I actually activated yet another quirk several chapters ago when Kacchan got stabbed.” Compress was all, “[gets captured and passes out].” Spinner was all “[rifles through Tomura’s pockets and slaps a random Charbroiled Hand onto his friend’s unconscious face].” Tomura was all, “SOMEHOW THAT ACTUALLY WORKED” and woke up again, except it wasn’t really him, it was everyone’s favorite Final Villain, AFO. AFO was all, “time to escape finally” and summoned a bunch of Noumu and Absconded with Spinner and the DabiMarble in tow. Skeptic was all, “Horikoshi forgot I existed, but I’m actually Absconding in marble-form as well.” Deku was all, “ATTENTION WORLD, I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT I OFFICIALLY WANT TO SAVE SHIGARAKI TOMURA.” And then the arc just sort of ended lol.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all, “but when you think about it, do we really need literally any female teachers at U.A. at all?” and for whatever reason doesn’t stop to wait for an answer. Midnight, who absolutely did not need to die, Dies, and I’m pissed about it. Ochako wanders the ruins of Jakku for what feels like hours, rescuing small children while her adult hero compatriots fall to pieces around her, because apparently the U.A. kids really are the only people who have their shit together. The citizens of Japan are all “damn that’s wild, wonder how fucked we are now,” but are actually super casual and chill about it which is oddly realistic. The chapter ends with AFO in Tartarus being all “lol time for the prison break arc,” without giving us so much as a chance to catch our breath, like holy shit. Are we on the clock or something now, goddamn.

lmao it’s like 7pm on a Sunday night and this is out already. this is like the worst possible timing lol. there goes my nice, relaxed evening. unless of course this turns out to be a nice, restful, soothing chapter, as chapters coming on the heels of traumatic, earth-shattering battles so often are. yeah, break out the Pina Colada song and the little drink umbrellas, I got a good feeling about this one

(ETA: I mean, I was obviously being sarcastic here but damn, Horikoshi.)

-- fff why did I laugh

it’s the crumbling city ruins in the background that really does it, I think. JUST LOOK AT THIS MESS THAT YOU HAVE MADE, EVERYONE. FOR SHAME

also, the title is dramatic af and I am so fucking excited you guys, like holy shit. BnHA’s In-Between arcs have always been my favorite part of the series, because it’s when all the character development and angst and/or catharsis happens. just, those little breathing spaces in between the action when everyone gathers to recuperate and compartmentalize their fresh new traumas lmao. bring on that angst!! but also, let’s please have some Comfort to offset all of this Hurt too, please and thanks

blah blah blah so the survivors were evacuated, good good, can you actually show us though?

AHHHHHHH

PIXIE BOB SURVIVED!!!! WASH IS STILL ALIVE LMAO HOW. THIRTEEN’S FACE, OMG SHOULD I LOOK AWAY. IS IT LIKE MANDALORIAN RULES. IDK HOW IT WORKS

HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY ALIVE. LOLS ANYWAY I’M HERE FOR IT. FEEL FREE NOT TO KILL ANYONE ELSE HERE HORIKOSHI, I THINK WE’RE GOOD

(ETA: it’s like talking to a brick wall.)

oh my god do we really need exposition about how the heroes tried to stop TomurAFO from escaping and OF COURSE failed completely because they suck lmao. oh my god I am shocked, that is such shocking news

wow they only managed to defeat three of the Noumus. holy shit. again, all of the Not-Kid Heroes are only slightly more useful than cardboard cutouts of heroes at this point, MORE AT ELEVEN

so Tomura may have lost the PLF, but he still more or less has an army then, huh. I really don’t know how anyone could expect a timeskip with that threat looming over everyone’s heads

oh nvm lol there are only seven Noumus left. wait so you’re telling me there were only ten Nearly High Ends in that last chapter?? felt more like fifty but whatever lol I’ll take your word for it

COMPRESS YAY YOU’RE ALIVE TOO

MAYBE THEY CAN EVEN REATTACH HIS ASS. I’M SERIOUS LOL, BECAUSE HE STILL HAS IT, DOESN’T HE? OR IF NOT, THEY CAN REBUILD HIM WITH A PROSTHETIC ASS. he’ll be more powerful than ever

WHAAAAAAT YEAH BOIIIII

WOOO, EDGESHOT, WOOOOO. THAT’S HIS WAY OF THE NINJA

YEAHHHHH SUCK IT, PLF

(ETA: for the record I don’t think Cementoss is dead here, just badly wounded. if he had died he would have been included in the forthcoming In Memoriam page along with the others.)

GET BENT LOL. TRUMPET I FOR REAL FORGOT YOU EVEN EXISTED. I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU LOSERS AGAIN PLEASE. ONLY INTERESTING CHARACTERS MAY PROCEED PAST THIS POINT

dsflksaldkh;l

that’s... holy shit. that’s a bigass mansion, that’s what that is. also so does this mean there are still eighty thousand PLF members still at large, because that’s a plot line I very much do not care about in any way whatsoever lol. can’t we just retcon to say that Re-Destro was exaggerating? I mean hell, a CEO criminal pulling some Enron-type bullshit is pretty believable, isn’t it? those poor bamboozled shareholders

“makeste, here’s an idea, what if you scrolled down to read the rest of the page” lol gtfo of here with your logic and your sense

well those 132 people have made it onto my enemies list, but at least it sounds like they more or less took care of the rest. good riddance

and Toga escaped, as we knew already, and is now on the lam. hopefully she reunites with the League again at some point. although her doing her own thing could also be very interesting. idk what I want lol

anyway so there’s another big panel showing how fucked up the city is, just in case it hadn’t already been hammered into our skulls yet. there’s a car dangling off a roof somehow. how does that even happen. did Machia pick it up and put it there or

NOOO OMG RANDOM SMALL CHILDREN IN PERIL WHAT IS THIS

OCHAKO PLEASE SAVE THEM OMG

“if it falls on me, I want you to have my Endeavor pouch” OH MY STARS. HIS MOST PRECIOUS POSSESSION. NO MY CHILD YOU CAN’T GIVE UP HOPE YET

LMAO

“FOR THE LAST TIME NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR DUSTY-ASS POUCH, KYLE” fffff these children are dying and I am cracking up so hard my eyes are tearing up what is wrong with me

YAY THEY SAVED THEM

but listen. not that I don’t love seeing the girls kick ass, because you know I do. but I also really, REALLY need to know what’s going down with the Musketeers, and I’m not looking forward to waiting three whole weeks for that so please Horikoshi. please hurry this along so we can get to them

goddamn it Tsuyu is saying she’ll take the boy to the shelter to get first aid, and I was all “okay great because that’s probably where Kacchan and the others are too”, but now someone else is shouting for help and Ochako’s all “I’ll go” and it’s like OKAY BUT PLEASE? this chapter is already more than half over omfg. ‘bout to start wringing some hands here

oh my god

is this Toga again??? WHAT THE HELL, THIS CREEPYASS HALF-DEAD DUDE BETTER BE LEADING UP TO SOMETHING INTERESTING, I AM REALLY GETTING IMPATIENT

OR, I GUESS, WE COULD DO THIS INSTEAD

“SO AS IT TURNS OUT, NOT EVERY CHARACTER WHO NEEDS HELP SAVING THEIR SPOUSE FROM FALLEN RUBBLE IS ACTUALLY TOGA IN DISGUISE” HUH, OKAY. DULY NOTED. FILED AWAY FOR FUTURE REFERENCE

but fucking... okay, look. I love Ochako, I do. but I like her a whole lot more when she’s interacting with other characters I actually care about, as opposed to running around in the rubble rescuing random people while the fate of my other children is still up in the air. like okay, I get it, shit’s bad, now if you don’t mind we really don’t have to spend all day here though

...anyways but nope, we’re still staying with her. she’s bouncing around rescuing all of these other people. omg. I literally have no patience here at all and it’s terrible, I know, but oh my god

omg finally something interesting is happening!!

look at that, an adult hero standing around being useless while the kids are busy getting shit done. why is this becoming a recurring theme

MY DUDE, THIS IS SERIOUSLY NOT THE TIME THOUGH

I GET THAT IT’S OVERWHELMING AND THAT YOU’RE TRAUMATIZED AND SHIT, BUT GUESS WHAT, SO IS EVERYONE ELSE. THAT’S WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR. JUST LOOK AT OCHAKO! SHE’S SO EXHAUSTED HER HAIR HAS EVEN LOST ITS FLOOF, AND YET SHE’S STILL OUT HERE DOING HER BEST. ONE SAVE AT A TIME MY MAN. GET IT DONE. LITERALLY A SMALL CHILD IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT CALLING FOR THEIR MOMMY AND YOU’RE JUST STANDING THERE ALL “WAHH IT’S TOO MUCH” LIKE COULD YOU PLEASE POSTPONE YOUR CRISIS UNTIL AFTER YOU SAVE THEM PLEASE

OH MY GOD

MAYBE YOU SHOULD!! oh my god I really cannot, like wow. oh no I actually have to save people and do my job, god forbid. jesus christ, at least the other heroes tried. but Moping Hero: Bellyache here is just throwing in the towel and fuck everyone who still needs his help I guess. you are like the anti-Deku my dude

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD NO OH FUCK

THAT’S MIDNIGHT’S HAND OH FU -- SHE BETTER NOT -- HORIKOSHI I SWEAR TO GOD --

I’M GONNA LOSE IT I REALLY AM!!!!

HOLY SHIT HOW INTENSE OF A RAGE DO I NEED TO BRACE MYSELF TO BE FEELING HERE. THIS CHAPTER WAS ALREADY TRENDING TOWARDS DISAPPOINTMENT, DO WE REALLY NEED TO GO AND COMPOUND THAT

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

you’re telling me Tomura wasn’t brought back by that electric shock, but by his “fuck you” attitude? why are you explaining this to us now, again??

......

HEY, SO UM, FUCK ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS, THOUGH. (: OH MAN. OHHHHHH MAN. I HAVE... I HAVE GOT A LOT OF WORDS FOR THIS AND HERE ARE SOME OF THEM

FUCK

THINGS THAT SHOULD BE IN THE DICTIONARY NEXT TO “SOME BULLSHIT”: THIS

FUCK

GET FUCKED HORIKOSHI

AND ALSO PLEASE FUCK RIGHT OFF!!

AND SERIOUSLY THOUGH FUCK YOU

NO BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH!! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED OFF ANYONE. LITERALLY ANY CHARACTER. YOU HAD TWELVE FEMALE PROS. TWELVE. YOU COULD HAVE MADE MORE OF THEM. PROBABLY, IF THERE ACTUALLY WERE SUPERHEROES IN REAL LIFE, THERE WOULD BE MORE THAN TWELVE OF THEM IN AN ENTIRE NATION. BUT NO, YOU WERE ALL “TWELVE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.” AND THEN WHEN IT CAME TIME TO KILL PEOPLE OFF, YOU WERE ALL “WELL ALL RIGHT THEN, LET’S SEE, I PICK... THESE 18 RANDOM SIDE CHARACTERS WITH LITTLE TO NO DIALOGUE, PLUS THE ONE SINGLE FEMALE U.A. STAFF MEMBER WE ACTUALLY HAD. YEAH THAT OUGHTA DO IT”

AND BY THE WAY, HORIKOSHI, I PICKED SOMETHING UP FOR YOU ON MY WAY HOME, HERE IT IS, ┌П┐(・＿・) do you like it it was on sale. I saw it and was like, “Horikoshi would really like that.” so there you go. sorry it wasn’t gift-wrapped

p.s. I hope y’all can tell that that’s supposed to be a middle finger and not... something else lmao. er. anyway

(ETA: so I got a few asks from people who were really put off by this part of the reaction post, and so I’m just adding an extra note here to make it clear that I do not actually wish harm on Horikoshi in any way or even particularly dislike him. I wasn’t happy about Midnight’s death and I wanted to convey that, and so I went with my usual LOUD CAPSLOCK REACTION tone, but looking back on it I can see that it’s kind of a lot, lol. 

so just to be clear, the “fuck you” stuff is almost entirely tongue-in-cheek. that’s on me, I forget sometimes that there are people who share these sentiments unironically and so I didn’t think to make sure my intended meaning here was clear. anyways, killing Midnight was still a really problematic decision for numerous reasons but it is what it is. Horikoshi is not perfect, the story isn’t perfect, and I’m not gonna pretend like it is, but again just to be clear, I don’t harbor any actual ill will toward Horikoshi here.)

shit. and wow this man really went and killed off fucking Mystic too on top of that. have you ever seen a character fail so spectacularly at living up to their hype. r.i.p. Mystic you were like the Star Wars sequel of characters

(ETA: I have no fucking idea why I keep thinking Majestic’s name is Mystic lol. rest in peace you old scarecrowy bastard.)

and poor Momo, though. fuck. lost two mentors in a single day. and do not even get me started on Aizawa holy shit

so now we’re cutting to some random townspeople who are gossiping about the Todoroki drama. this is actually interesting in spite of my newfound determination to hate this chapter lol

ngl I am kind of heartened to see that not everyone fell for Dabi’s bs hook line and sinker though. Jeanist returning from the dead literally two seconds after Dabi was all “I SWEAR ON MY HONOR AS A VILLAIN THAT HAWKS MURDERED HIM” probably helped with that a bit! but there will doubtless be many other people who do believe him, or are at least still inclined to side-eye the heroes in general either way given how much they sucked in this arc. very, very interesting

so it seems though that even more than the whole Endeavor reveal, at the end of the day it’s going to be the heroes failing to live up to their end of the “put your faith in us and let us use our quirks and in return we’ll protect everyone and keep them safe” implied social contract that’s going to have the biggest impact on people’s opinions moving forward. basically this was always going to be a disaster no matter what

OH MY GOD FINALLY AHHHHH

Horikoshi really tapped into some of the real-life political energy of the past few years huh. Fuck Him Still for killing off Midnight, but I will admit that so far this is hella intriguing and I am really, really curious to see where things go from here

OH MY GOD THE LITTLE KIDS FROM THE BABYSITTING ARC

“FIVE PEEPEE MAN WOULDN’T LIE TO US” YES CHILDREN YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. at least the little ones still have faith

UM

 ( •̀ へ •́  )

that’s great. that’s really keen. all we need right now, amirite

GOOD FOR YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT

let’s just wait for him to explain what he feels. you know he likes to drag it out

is that Dabi crouched down there next to Spinner? looks like they got him out of the marble after all. but why has his hair changed colors again lol what

anyways. your turn to what??

:’) excuse me what

hahahaha are you fucking kidding me. and that’s where we’re going to end the chapter then. lol okay

so let’s recap. Midnight died. we spent ten hours watching Ochako dig people out of rubble for no apparent reason and were then introduced to my new least favorite character, and because Ochako is so nice she didn’t even punch him in the face even though she really should have. we did not get any Kacchan or Shouto. we got one panel of Deku, who is Finally Asleep. and the chapter ended with AFO ordering his Noumus to go set free, AND I QUOTE, HIS “MAIN BODY.” and now I gotta wait an entire week for Caleb’s translation to confirm that last part. omg

but it sounds like a prison break is imminent, which is very, very interesting. ...and actually, is it weird that I’m actually rooting for it to be a success? I have no idea what this guy is planning, but I do know that as long as the main part of his soul is still residing in Tomura’s body, Tomura’s chance of surviving the series is close to zero. and villain though he may be, I’m still rooting for his redemption (nice to have Deku on my side now too), and so yeah. so like if AFO feels like using some latent Exorcism Quirk or something that he’s been saving for just such an occasion, be my guest lol

meanwhile this doesn’t bode well for All Might though. or anyone else aside from Tomura, really. shiiiit

anyway. [slaps roof of chapter] this baby can fit so much bullshit in it

[talea456]

The ADHD is winning

I’m good at what do. Right?

Am I good at what I do?

Does the good I do negate the horrible, awful crime of not being punctual?

If I successfully make my own accommodations, does that make me a criminal?

Am I still good at what I do?

There’s a line society has set for me. A line of responsibility that I can’t meet. Lateness. Punctuality. Being detrimental to other people’s time. Other people’s schedules. Apologize and apologize and apologize. But it’s never good enough. It will never be enough. You will never be worth “putting up with it.”

Get out. You’re fired. You’re not worth a salary. You’re not worth anyone’s time. Burn out? Who cares. Either be like us or get out. We don’t have to care about losers like you. Failures. People who can’t be responsible—because being late clearly means you cannot be responsible.

What does your home look like? Is it cluttered? It’s probably cluttered. How does your spouse put up with you? How often do you clean everything?

What? You say you’re tired? Why would you be tired? What have you even done with your day, year, life? We’ll give you something to be tired about.

But accommodations, right? Self-advocacy? Nope. Registered disability or else you better mask well enough for us to never know. We like to think we care, but we don’t care. Not when it means our inconvenience. Thus, you must carry the weight of our expectations along with the weight of being different than us. You have to accommodate us.

Why are you so tired? Why can’t you just fall asleep earlier? What’s wrong with you? Avoiding burn out? You can’t do that! We’re all burnt out. Join us. Be miserable with us. But also be different than us. That way we can continue to use you as a cautionary tale. What others better not be if they want to be valued.

The ADHD is winning. I’m just too tired to fight. Decades after decades after decades of wondering what is wrong with me. Then, a diagnosis for catharsis; medication for help. But it’s not enough. It’s never enough. I’m just too different. And different is bad. Right? Different is bad? Bad…or evil? Maybe evil. Selfish. Self-centered. Bullheaded. Spoilt. Think-you’re-better-than-everyone-else. Bratty. Definitely evil.

What are your strengths? I don’t know. I’m smart? I don’t know. I’m “good” at my job? But…but. But. There’s always a ‘but’ to follow up any self-generated compliment. Always pressing the breaks on patting myself on the back. Don’t go too far thinking you’re worth something! You’re still different. If you think you are valuable, you’re just arrogant.

Why do we call it “Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?” Why isn’t it called what it is? Societal gaslighting and the trauma that results from it. The ADHD is winning. And I’m a lost cause.

[why-am-i-like-thissss]

Am I a Stunted Adult?

I had Thanksgiving at my step sisters place. She has two kids, a hard-working husband, and an actual house with a backyard. I couldn’t help but feel like a loser. Actually, I probably could have helped it, if I didn’t suffer from depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. But there I was, sitting at the dinner table while they asked me questions about my job (as a server), how I’d been (not great), and what I’d been up to (trying not to have a mental breakdown), feeling like maybe I was a stunted adult.

I call my mom almost daily with some sort of crisis, complaint, or rant. I whine and bitch constantly. I feel like it’s my bonding mechanism with people, probably because that’s how my mom and I bond. I called my mom as soon as I climbed in my car after dinner.

“Mom, am I a stunted adult?”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I call you almost everyday whining about either someone, something, or my own neurosis.”

“Most kids do that.”

“SO YOU AGREE I’M STUNTED THEN?!! I’M ALMOST 29 YEARS OLD…HARDLY A “KID”.

I went on to explain to her how at dinner, I felt completely inadequate to all my step-sister and her husband’s innocent (or were they?) questions about my life. I recently moved back into the condo my step-dad and mom own. My step dad visits often, and for long durations at a time, so I guess I pretty much live with him. I make good money as a server, but the rental market here is insane and living here is much easier. I feel like I always have to defend my choices and where I am in life, I just did it again there. “No I’m not seeing anyone.” “No I didn’t get up to anything this weekend.” “No I haven’t done anything with my holistic nutrition diploma.” “Yes I just bought a sick giant black SUV as a way to trick myself and strangers on the street into thinking I have my life together.” My anxiety tells me they think I’m a giant loser, failing at life one clumsy step at a time. My mom, while on the phone, told me they probably look at me with envy. My step-sister and her husband have been together for years. 15 or something. They have two kids together. He’s pretty successful; he was trying to start a bottled, shelf stable shaft drink (a famous alcoholic beverage where I’m from) which I tasted when I was there. I imagine it will be pretty lucrative if they manage to get it off the ground. I don’t have that entrepreneurial thumb. Or the drive. Or the motivation. But if you have kids in this day and age, you better be working your ass off because those annoying, germ ridden monsters cost a lot of money. And the less money you have, I think the more annoying it is to have children. Like of course you’re going to work your ass off if that means you can pay a babysitter to watch them so you can get fucked up at a bar and go to a hotel room to rail your wife while you think about your babysitter. And there we have it. Having a spouse, a home, children, a stable income, a job you don’t hate…can still lead to immense longing for something else Usually freedom. To be able to get up everyday without anyone to answer to. You always want what you don’t have, the grass is always greener…those are sayings because they ring so true for millions upon millions of people. I struggle with loneliness, I struggle with a lack of purpose, and I envy people who have a significant reason to get out of bed in the morning. But I can get that, like in the form of a dog. But I don’t look at my steps-sisters life, or my good friends, or really anyone with children or any sort of life that keeps them from being able to get up and travel whenever they want, with envy. Instead I feel claustrophobic.

My mom then spent a solid 20 minutes explaining to me all of my accomplishments, the places I’ve traveled, the experiences I’ve had. I haven’t had less of a life than my siblings, or my friends. I’ve had different ones. Am I a stunted adult or do I need to learn to love the lifestyle I’ve defined for myself instead of letting society and people who chose more conventional ways of living to trick me into thinking I am less than. I read a Megan Fox quote today, in British GQ about her relationship with Machine Gun Kelly. She said “you know famously, like, I’m an unusual person. And I had buried a lot of that because it didn’t have a place to live.” That hit me so hard. The person I feel like I can be most “myself” with, or I guess the better way to explain it would be, the person I can show the most of my many layers, dimensions, and faces to is my dad. But he’s a character himself. A bit of an odd ball. I get my analytical side, my intelligence, and my misanthropy from my mom. I get my absolute absurdity, distrust of the government, and my goodness from my dad. But other than that, my family is pretty conventional in their outlook on life. My sister always told me to go to school and become an X-ray tech because it’s not hard and it pays well. I’d quite literally rather die. No offence to the lab techs out there. People doing that shit is what makes the world go round. But it’s not a job I could happily perform day in and day out. I’ve told myself I would never do anything where I’m always looking forward to the weekend. Where happiness only lives on Friday nights and Saturday’s. When the Sunday Scaries come along while you’re violently hungover from drinking as an escape mechanism from the mundane mediocrity of your life to remind you you’re back on the hamster wheel again tomorrow to do it all over again. (Side note, did anyone else have some scarring shit happen with their pet hamsters? My grey one attacked my cookie coloured one and cookie had it’s eyeball hanging out and then grey one died (karma) but I didn’t throw him out for like 2 weeks and just let him rot in my bedroom. I saw a hamster cage on the side of the road the other day and had a PTSD full body reaction.) Anyways, back to Megan Fox. I read that and thought about myself, and the face I wear at family Thanksgiving, or when I go to visit my actual sister in Texas where she lives with her family, or even when I’m with my mom, or most of the people I work with. How much social anxiety I have during these interactions, the anxiety I have after when I’m repeatedly going over these interactions in my head…what I’ve said, what I didn’t say, how they perceived me based on what I said and didn’t say, etc. I’ve always thought I was the problem. That’s a main theme of my BPD. Intense self loathing, crippling insecurity, no self esteem. I automatically assume everyone hates me and that my close friends and family secretly hate me, and if I leave a social interaction and I feel like I said one thing that wasn’t absolutely perfect, I assume they think I’m a terrible, boring, unfunny, stupid person too. But could it also be my environment? I’m a person who loves deep conversation and loathes small talk. I love discussing the universe, death, sex, astrology, lucid dreaming, the meaning of life, the meaning of peoples lives, food as medicine, existentialism, aura’s, enlightenment, the chaoticness of my mind. But I also don’t take myself or life very seriously. We’re just souls having a human experience after all. This is all an illusion. And I serve beer and burgers at an Irish pub with coworkers who are all borderline alcoholics. Those are the people I spend the most of my time with. My family is not interested in that stuff. I have very few friends who have similar interests and outlooks. I don’t feel like I have anywhere that is safe for me to be my multidimensional, depressed but playful, old soul young heart, anxious but I also don’t give a fuck self with and feel like it’ll be received in the way I want it to be. One of my good friends dances to the beat of her own drum. She brings the energy. She changes the energy in the room from her energy. She is authentically herself through the through, regardless of the environment. She also just doesn’t think about how others may of may not perceive her. She isn’t worried about making people like her, and that ironically makes everyone like her. Then there’s me, who is so cripplingly anxious and paranoid about what other’s think of me that it keeps me small. I sacrifice myself to make myself more palatable for other people, but I’m not as well liked, which is the irony of that whole situation. I know logically being yourself and the energy that comes along with that is THE most attractive quality in a person. I look at her, floating around in life like a ray of sunshine with so much envy. I’ve spent as long as I can remember suppressing parts of myself because I felt like I never had a safe environment that would welcome all the different, complicated, kooky parts of me with open arms. And although in an ideal world that would be nice, I think what really needs to happen is for me to create a safe space for acceptance and appreciation, inside myself.

[slasherscream]

Reader gets stood up at prom ghostface boys to the rescue

(A/N): oh prom was my nightmare so this was so self indulgent to think about thanks fam

They were getting around to asking you they fucking swear on god and they were ....enraged would be putting it lightly, when some random fucking loser asked you before they could.

Listen they were just trying to take it slow to go easy on you. Like slowly heating up the water around a frog instead of dropping them into boiling water to begin with. 

You're out here thinking you've got #the two best friends in the world meanwhile they're trying to make a teenage spouse out of you but the best laid plans of dumb teenage boys often go awry. 

Even though it's totally fine to do so (and the norm for you) you were feeling strange about asking if you could be a tag-a-long for them for prom night of all things.

Them including you on all their date nights and hang-outs are one thing but being a third wheel for the most romantic/cutesy night for teenagers is something you cannot fucking parse.

You had even started secretly thinking of staying home alone that night, which you know everyone in your life would've been strongly against but what're they gonna do? Throw you into a fancy tux/dress and force you to go? 

But then a classmate asked you! Sure it wasn't particularly romantic and you didn't know each other well but they weren't the worst person in the world and they offered to buy your ticket for you and match with your color      so at least you'll be going without feeling like an interloper. 

You rush to tell the boys even though some part of you feels...bummed out you're not going with them but they're a couple and you're all best friends and you know you'll still spend time with them that night so it's fine! Everything's fine! Everything is perfect.

So yes they almost nutted the fuck up when you told them. The look on Stu's face....Billy had to hit him when you weren't looking so he could fix his face by the time you glanced over at him with that cute, excited look of expectancy. 

"That's great, Y/N!" Stu would say, trying to make his smile look as normal as possible. "Who asked you?" Billy would say, grinding his teeth to fucking dust in his mouth and already planning on murdering them brutally. 

It's only when they're alone and planning the murder do they realize they can't do that to you. You got asked to prom and how would you feel if your date happens to become a ghostface victim! They know you...you're so sweet and nice that even though you didn't particularly like the person you'd be staying home for the evening crying and sad. At the very least you'd take it as a "sign" and stay in for the night, if they were lucky.

Despite being the most possessive boys in the world they don't want you looking back at a night that could be special and magical with only the traumatic memory of a dead date. Romance really is real!

So they didn’t kill the lucky bastard who asked you even though they are so upset and bummed out. Stu mopes for the whole week leading up to the day and Billy is a special kind of grumpy asshole. 

But they get to do little prom prep things with you that you probably wouldn't have let them do with you if you were their date for the night and it's cute and montage-y even though they're still really upset. 

Helping you pick out a dress/tux/look and being your hype-men! You step out of the dressing room with something Stu picked for you (fashion icon) and he screams! Billy staring at you w/ eyes that are soft and he couldn't wipe the look off his face if he tried. Deciding your makeup/hair/look for the night with them and they lowkey do everything to match you/look good with you.

Fuck your date, man! They are your date in name only. When you look back at this night they're making 100% you'll only remember them. This is gonna be a funny story you tell your fucking kids together. They wanna throw up whenever you ruin the illusion by asking "Do you think (random ass name) will like this?" Shut up!! Stu will begin to cry he's sensitive. 

You will not be walking out of any store having paid for your own shit that week. Stu insists! He's your 18 year old (unfortunately platonic) sugar daddy. Billy never let's Stu spoil him so you have to deal with Stu's love language, which is gifts, all by yourself you poor baby. 

You're all gonna get ready at your house and you will experience soft moments such as Billy helping you with your hair with the utmost gentleness and making eye contact in the mirror. Or Stu wanting to put your lipstick on and doing a frankly fantastic job but the unbearable tension as he's touching your lip? My dude....

You try to shy out of some of the "leaving the house" pictures so the happy couple can get some alone but all your squirming just winds up with you trapped in-between them and both of them kissing your cheek at the same time. 

Your date elected to not pick you up but meet at the location which made them so fucking angry but at least this way they get more time with you. Your dates on thin fucking ice though since the boys would've done everything to make the night romantic for you ...they are Big Mad. 

You get there and you're looking around for your date and for the longest time can't find them and they're not answering your texts. You're getting nervous but the boys are mostly distracting you while sharing concerned looks over your head. 

Their fears are confirmed when they catch your date making out with their ex and they can't steer you away from them fast enough so you don't notice. Your date has the decency to apologize and look sorry that they did this but you can't work yourself up to being really mad since you didn't really like them anyway. It's just the energy of this happening to you at prom. 

They never knew you could run that fast honestly....

"Y/N? Baby? Are you in here?" The sound of the bathroom door opening immediately followed by the most gentle voice you'd ever heard Stu use in his life. 

You have half a mind to be quiet so that they'll go away and forget their loser best friend and actually have a decent prom night together but you know they'd just waste their whole night looking for you if they couldn't find you. "Yeah ... I'm in here." You sigh, holding your head in your heads. 

A knock on the door and then you hear Billy, "Please come out, sweetheart."

"I'd rather not." 

"Y/N..." Stu trails off not knowing what to say and shooting Billy a panicked look. Before either of them can figure out what to do you speak up again.

"Please go out and enjoy yourselves. You don't have to spend your night coddling me. I'm not the first person to get ditched at prom. I'll survive. It's stupid anyways." 

"It's okay to be upset, Y/N," Billy interjects, what he really wants to do is go kill your date and their dumb ex. Is there anything worse than an on-again-off-again couple? He's already imagining the fun he and Stu will have carving the two up but first they have to make their baby feel better. 

"That was a total dick move of them!" Stu says, trying not to get worked up but failing. "I'll go kick their ass for you right now."

This at least makes you laugh, "No        don't kick their ass. They don't deserve it." 

"Like hell they don't." Billy grunts, "They upset you."

"They got back together with someone they actually liked. I can't hate them for that. We barely knew each other. I just didn't want to come alone and I didn't wanna be your puppy dog tag-a-long the whole night."

This gets immediate reactions.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Billy demands.

"Y/N I'm gonna crawl on the disgusting bathroom floor and come join you in there if you don't open the door right now." Stu says.

After a second of pause where you debate how serious he is (deadly) and then take into account his lack of impulse control you unlock the door and allow it to swing open, "Don't do that. We'd have to burn the tux and you look really good in it." 

You're instantly swept up into two different sets of arm and have to admit you do feel a little better instantly. They have that effect on you. It's a comfort that they're staring at you with affection and concern and not pity. It makes you feel a little less pathetic. You still duck your head into Stu's chest and are allowed this and a moment of silence before Billy grabs you by the chin and makes you look up at them. 

"You're not a fucking tag-a-long and that loser out there was lucky you said yes in the first place." 

"Yeah baby! We woulda loved to have you all to ourselves tonight."

You laugh in a way that's heavy with self-deprecation, "You guys are sweet. That's why you deserve to have one night together that's just you. Especially prom night of all things. Don't you guys ever get tired of me always trailing after you? Don't you ever want a break?" 

They make eye contact and convey some secret message between them that makes you roll your eyes but then Billy's hand moves from your chin to hold your cheek and you freeze up. Stu leans down into Billy and grins at you from over his boyfriend's shoulder as if you're the most adorable thing he's ever seen. 

"You're not our third wheel, babe       we're a pyramid!" Stu chirps.

"Wha-?"

"We were gonna ask you to prom." Billy's thumb begins to rub tender circles along your cheek and you open your mouth to say...anything but he keeps talking, "But jackass out there beat us to it."

"Really?" You ask quietly and Billy bumps his forehead gently against yours, smiling at your shocked expression.

"Really."

"We're crazy about you, babe!" 

"You sure you're not just trying to make me feel better? I promise I'm not gonna fall apart on you or anything." It doesn't come out like a joke as you'd intended and you'd wince at how hopeful and nervous you'd sounded but Billy's lips cover yours. You'd always wondered how it felt to kiss either of them, always having to force your eyes away from them when they often kissed each other. It's a lot like how you imagined, his lips firm and warm against yours and him with total control over the moment in a way that makes your knees weak.

When he finally pulls away you can't bring your eyes to open even when they both chuckle at you. It's Stu leaning forward to playfully nip at your bottom lip that brings you out of the daze and you lean forward to peck him before he can move away. He hums against your lips and you smile into the kiss, playful and sweet. 

"Believe us now?" Stu asks when he pulls away, giving your hair a light tug.

"I might....if you guys dance with me. I think I hear my favorite song."

"Well then-" Billy smirks, pulling away from you but grabbing your hand and Stu's, leading you out the bathroom and back towards the dance, "We gotta go take our girl/boy to dance, Stu."

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #405

“today i went to therapy, told him the embarrassing issues that i’m having with my life  /  he told me that i need to change; life is not a video game, so stop playing & open up your eyes”

What was your favourite sweet as a child? Things like Baby Bottle Pops, Ring Pops, Airheads, etc. Do you like to wear socks to bed? NOOOOOOO. I don't wear socks unless I have to. What’s your favourite berry? Strawberries. If you have a job, how long is your shift? I don't. Do you like sunflowers? Well yeah. Are you counting down for anything? No. Are you watching TV? What’s on? No. Do you have make-up on? No. I haven't worn makeup since last October. Are you any good with kids? People have told me I am, but I beg to differ. What if you had a baby with the last person you kissed? We're both cisgender women, we physically couldn't. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years time? It'd be nice honestly, but I kinda doubt I will be. What is your favorite card game? Magic: The Gathering. What is the weirdest thing you’ve done in public? Ha, probably the times I've gotten down on the ground beside the road to photograph roadkill... More than once has someone stopped and asked if I was okay, haha. Favorite sleeping position? Twisted half on my side and stomach with my legs just sorta splayed out. What is your dad’s name? Ken. Have you ever been on a diet? Multiple times. Do you own any jersey shirts? No. Are you proud to be of the nationality you are? There are two moods I have on this: I'm either neutral or embarrassed. Can you remember what you last clapped for? Omg the woman who facilitates my TMS treatment was telling Mom and me about this one time a tiny snake got in the lobby and I did a lil squeal and clapped a bit because I was just excited to hear about a little snake, haha. What is the geekiest part of your music collection? *shrug* Maybe game soundtrack music. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night? Well, not really the fridge, but w/e. I'll usually get a granola bar or something of the sort. What is the little physical habit that gives away you're insecure moment? Kneading/wringing my hands together is a dead giveaway. Do you have too many love interests? No. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year? If you want honesty... probably no amount would lmao. I rely way too heavily on the Internet for so many things. Do you talk a lot? It depends on my mood and who I'm around. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? What a fucking awful question. They don't annoy me. It can be awkward driving past them, but they're in no way annoying. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? I definitely try to be. What is your ideal marriage location? Either a gothic-looking mansion or something of the sort or a wooded area in the fall. Do you tell your friends about your sex life? I don't have one to talk about. Would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery of any kind if confronted? Yeah? No shame. What kind of watch(es) do you wear? I don't wear watches. What do you cook the best? My family likes my scrambled cheesy eggs... basic as that is, haha. When my sisters would go to Taco Bell all the time and save the hot sauces for later use, I would use some packets in the eggs I cooked. Honestly amazing. What's one car you will never buy? "Anything that is two door, or low to the ground." <<<< This right here. On the other end of the spectrum, I also won't ever buy a car that's high up. I need a good medium so I can actually get in with ease. What's one thing you're a sore loser at? Hm, I dunno. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people? "Wow, she's awkward." What's one thing you like to do alone? Draw. When's the last time you cried? Not long ago at all because I was just so exasperated over my weight gain. Do you think you're cute? God no. Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends? I don't change in front of anyone if I can avoid it. Did you like kissing the last person you kissed or the one before that more? The last person. I gotta say I was not a fan of kissing Girt because for whatever reason his lips were ALWAYS wetter than lips naturally should be and I just didn't dig it, man. That and every kiss with him was awkward. Whose bed other than yours did you last lay on? My mom's. What turns you off immediately? Acting sexist, to name one. Which city do you particularly enjoy visiting and for what reasons? I don't like going into cities. Do you often take pictures with the camera on your phone? No. I don't like the camera on my phone. In the past year, have you lost weight or gained weight? How much? Gained. You don't need to know. What year was the last car you rode in/drove? I have zero clue. What’s your worst/funniest experience with one of your neighbors? "Worst" and "funniest" are very different... but I can tell you the worst easily. At my childhood home, our next-door neighbors had a pair of Rottweilers in their back yard within a chain-link fence, and we had a LOT of outdoor cats at the time. (I will emphasize every time I bring it up to NOT keep cats outside.) Somehow the dogs got loose and went on a rampage trying to kill our cats; one young one was killed, while our fearless mother cat, Chance, literally fought them off to defend her new kittens. More were maybe killed, I honestly can't remember. My mom was hysterical and threatened to call animal control if it ever happened again. I was absolutely, utterly heartbroken. The last time you burned your tongue or mouth, what were you eating? Ummm I want to say it was some sort of pasta that I didn't let cool long enough. Honestly, are you shallow? Far from it, honestly. Can/could your parents tell when you were lying? Not always. Besides clothes, shoes, and accessories, what’s your favorite thing to shop for? I love window-shopping at Morph Market, haha. AAAAAAAAAALL those ball python morphs, man... *drools* Does/did your parents ever go through your computer or cell phone? When I was younger, Mom was very intent on figuring out why I was always so secretive about what I did on the computer (mostly RP-related things) that ohhhh yeah, she'd do some digging. The night she finally snapped, demanding I tell her my passwords to everything, and she ultimately found out about me being a forum RPer, was literally almost traumatic to me, I think. I know, that sounds INCREDIBLY overdramatic, but I'm not fucking joking. I was in my room SOBBING on my best friend's shoulder, who was spending the night. I was just so embarrassed, and I *still* am when I share that fact with people I know, even though I have no reason to be. Like I don't do any weird or kinky RP shit, it's just genuine, artistic writing with actual, well thought-out plots, but I still feel like people would think it dumb, childish, and just weird. What song reminds you the most of a particular day in your life? Why is that? "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin. I've talked about it a few times before and really don't feel like doing it again. Do you have any close friends that were adopted? I don't think so. Who, in your opinion, is the best thriller writer? I don't know. Does your mom eat meat? Yeah. Was your dad ever on a sports team? Lots in high school, I believe. Do you prefer thick or thin crusted pizza? Thick, by a long shot. What do you have in your fruit salads? Not a fan of fruit salads. Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheelchair? I've only needed a wheelchair once in my life, and that was just to get inside and maneuver around the doctor's office when I tore a ligament in my foot. So no. What are your favorite word? Serendipity, tranquility, lucid, etc.; pretty, peaceful words like those. Is there a lot of drama in your life? Nope. I don't do enough or have enough people in my life for there to be. What are you listening to? An extended version of "Nightsong" from WoW. Do you hear any animals right now? No. I'm sure I'd hear birds if I didn't have my earplugs in, though. Have you ever played fetch with a dog? Yes. Have you ever pet a stingray? No. Who is the last baby you held? Emerson, my youngest niece. Do you have any scars from an animal? Yeah; I've got looooots from my cat playing too rough. Have you ever seen an Igloo? I don't believe so. Do you like Korn? They're high on my list of faves. Are you more afraid of tornadoes or hurricanes? Absolutely tornadoes. Do you like mushrooms? Ugh, NO. Have you ever been on Omegle? No. So do you have a favorite M&M? Just the regular ones. Have you ever snuck out? No. Do you currently feel like you have pretty stable career goals/a pretty stable life plan? Have you ever felt this way? I don't know, man. I know what I WANT to do, I just don't know if I'm ever going to get there. Or if what I want will be financially supportive enough, now that I'm really losing interest in photographing people. I might just have to if I want to be financially stable with photography, which would be okay, but bleh. I'd much rather just work with nature. If you could buy an android that was was convincingly human and could be tailored to be your perfect partner, would you want one? No. I don't want to build my own partner, nor do I want my romantic partner to be an android. I want life to just introduce me to a person who is uniquely themselves, who have built themselves from their own life experiences, and not just have a perfect spouse tailored to everything I like. If you do not identify as being “straight,” can you remember back to your childhood some things you did that were, in hindsight, possible indicators of your future sexuality? Yes, especially in middle school. I thought women were prettier than probably a straight kid would, and looking back, I definitely found the natural curves of the female figure to be attractive. When you consume media (movies, books, etc.) with a romantic element, what sort of romance scenarios interest you most? Hm. I know I prefer serious ones over silly; like I'm a sucker for Nicholas Sparks' style, if that says anything. If you are female, do you feel connected to other women as a class? What sort of things make you feel a strong sense of sisterhood or female empowerment? This is too big of a question for me to feel like delving into right now, haha. But I can say it more so depends on the individual than the gender when it comes to feeling connection over anything.

[vizthedatum]

I am so sad and emotionally devastated by my abusive ex-spouse and my immature-as-fuck-and-unethically-nonmonogamous ex-partner.

And by my crush who I lashed out at last year who I’m DESPERATELY trying to get over. I should have distanced myself but I didn’t want to. I feel so stupid. I really liked them but they didn’t and just wanted to cyber. That’s it. I was just a fuck buddy and not even an irl one. That’s all I was to them. And I just didn’t care for a long time - I should have just hooked up and ghosted, that’s how the culture is, right? I just didn’t care because I liked the attention. It was better than confronting how bad I felt in my life.

I feel dumb for being partners with my ex-gf when I knew her husband was abusive to both of us (and I’m still basically best friends with her, and I’m so fucking thankful (she left him)). I feel dumb for believing in him until he encroached on my boundaries. I should have listened to my gut and gotten her out of that situation. I should have outed him to the entire community. What a fucking loser.

I feel dumb for letting my parents have such control over me. For years and years and years and years.

I still feel so bad about marrying someone who was actively emotionally and psychologically abusing me - who I was so sick with - sicker than usual. They broke my heart so bad. All the time.

I feel SO STUPID.

I feel stupid for all of it. My entire life.

Why do I love people who don’t like me? Or who can’t show care for me?

I know this is all just a sign that I need to pour into myself harder. I don’t think I loved myself that much to be in those situations.

It still stings so hard.

I’m so envious of my friends who have partnerships and families I so desperately crave.

I can’t stop crying.

I have to be a fucking professional during my day job, and I know I can. But why can’t my personal life just get better already?

I know it’s a lot better now - but I want it ALL. I DO NOT CARE IF IT IS UNREALISTIC, I want it all.

[randomnumbers751650]

Sometimes people ask a thing like “how did it get so big?” This is almost like any meme in the internet and sometimes even whatever is in the Top 10 bestselling books of any list. Due to being a historian of economic thought, I’m study the ascension of the idea of the entrepreneur as a hero, how it happened and its consequences, both good and bad. Therefore, I couldn’t avoid Ayn Rand and Atlas Shrugged. It wasn’t a good experience and I’ll talk more about it under the cut.

I think we all know how much of a controversial person Ayn Rand was. But it worked. She’s one of the most influential writers of the 20th century whether we like it or not. Like, a lot of people say she hates the poor and minorities. It’s even a meme, like there’s a joke SCP that makes everything it comes into contact unnecessarily verbose and one of the incidents was a sticky note written “I hate poor people” that becomes a copy of Atlas Shrugged.

After reading her work, I can safely say these are traps she set up in her own work. Not only that, these traps hide the true problems of her work.

In first place, we need to consider her demographic target. That wasn’t me, if I wasn’t researching, I wouldn’t even bother reading it. Like, I remember I saw in the internet a game called “The Jihad to Destroy Barney” and someone commenting: “because 20-years old thinking they’re funny were obviously the demographic target of Barney the Dinosaur”. Rand knew what her demographic target was, after working in Hollywood for so many years.

One might think that her demographic target was people like her, but it’s wider than that. Through all her book, producers (she doesn’t use the word ‘entrepreneur’, but it’s obviously the same) are the protagonists. Dagny shows her dedication to her railway, always looking for ways to improve it, to hire the best people to work with her, to deliver the best product she can, always treating others with respect. All the producers are people full of passion for what they do. They do not just for the money, they do it to express themselves (but still want/should be paid).

Meanwhile their enemies are the government organs that want to curb them, by introducing legislation to make everything equal, like people are forbidden to be fired, prices are controlled and so on. And they are evil, they are hypocrites who don’t really believe in the altruistic values they spouse or they are too dumb to realize they’re being hypocrites. They are always men in position of power, evil bureaucrats, quisling industrialists, hypocrite union leaders (though the union leader, Fred Kinnan, interestingly is the most sympathetic of the villains, and actually gets away scot free, to the point some think he’s a Galt agent undercover).

Rand aimed for the real life entrepreneur identify with the “heroes”. All the companies have names of their founders in their titles, Taggart Terminal, d’Anconia Copper, and so on. Their enemies show their true faces by naming themselves with abstract titles, like National Union and so on. She aimed the person who ever had to deal with the Health Department, with the Labor Department, who has to fills forms and more forms and say “Wouldn’t the world be a terrible place if it wasn’t for you? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you didn’t have to do all of this? If you just had the opportunity to truly express yourself? Free from the prying eyes of government inspectors? Rejoice, because I have the answer!”

Rand answers this with the Galt’s Gulch – a utopia of freedom, where the word “give” is taboo, while leaving the outside world of looters and moochers to destroy itself. All the producers are gathered to escape the terrible collectivist world around her. Everyone has money and, since they’re all enlightened by the principles of greed and selfishness, the prices are small, even symbolic. Monopolies are good and rivals are always being taken down, and they rejoice with it, both winner and loser, because they contributed to the expansion of human spirit.

When John Galt says “I swear – by my life and my love of it – that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine”, he’s implying all men who belong to this valley. They are not ashamed of taking low jobs, because they know their true power is what they do with their minds and hands. Francisco is shown to be perfect in everything he does, makes one think he’s a Gary Stu, but it’s because, according to the book’s philosophy, if you’re a true man, anything you do you become the best. For this reason, Galt’s Gulch is quite diverse, because it has not only industrialists, but also factory workers and small businessmen who share their ideals. And not only workers, but also artists, intellectuals and others.

This is why I think the argument “this books hates poor people” might not be accurate. The low worker whom Eddie Willers meets in the beginning is actually John Galt in disguise. This I think it’s the most important part to understand why Atlas Shrugged was so influential with small businessmen when published: John Galt is where the Übermensch and the Everyman meet. “Who is John Galt?” Anyone can be John Galt – the same way anyone can be Bella Swan, anyone can be Ritsuka Fujimaru (at least before the 5th singularity), anyone can be Kirito Kirigaya – the idealized self of the entrepreneur.

Thus, one is not born a “man”, but becomes one. Dagny and Hank’s entire character development is to become “men”, to learn to love themselves more than what they create, no matter how passionate they are. This contrasts with Eddie Willers, Dagny’s right hand man, probably the most tragic character of the tale.

Eddie loved the railway just as Dagny. He’s been her friend for so long, and even developed feelings for her. But the book constantly observes that Eddy doesn’t have the capacity to lead something as important as a railway. But he does it nevertheless, dedicating all his resources and passion for the railway. But, unlike Dagny, he doesn’t learn to look for greater things. Thus, he ends the novel stuck in a railway, defeated and probably left to die.

This is controversial, so much everyone still discusses his fate. In the movie adaptation, they deviate from the novel by having the heroes making a point to rescue him from his fate. In Jennifer Burns’s biography, she mentions a letter Ayn Rand received asking about Eddie and she replies that in a collectivist society, Eddie would’ve perished, while in a free one he’d be living okay. Nevertheless, this reveals a truth about that world: not everyone will become a “man”. Eddie would never become a “man”.

Since pity is against Galt’s doctrine, Eddie cannot be pitied. He has to live under the mercy of his Galtian overlords. He has only two options: either worship the feet that trample him, expecting his breadcrumbs fall from their banquet table, or to question his place in the world, thus denying that A is A, and be trampled harder. It really doesn’t matter his kindness, his dedication, he’s not a “man”, and thus has more in common with the looters and moochers than the heroes. Thus, if Eddie ever becomes an obstacle to the productive forces, even if unintentionally, he has to be trampled.

While one might think that I’m being unfair, it should be reminded that Ayn Rand openly advocated the people who were killing Natives during the American expansion to the West were doing nothing wrong. The Natives were actually privileged for being trampled by the productive forces, thus creating the great nation. The same argument can be made for the colonized people and even to the “essential workers” of this pandemic – since apparently people who take this book seriously are one of the most resistant forces to lockdowns and mask mandates, you can guess why.

And this is why Rand hated the environmental movement, because it puts an obstacle to the productive process. Nature can only react with deaf indifference to Galt’s speech. For Rand, this is unforgivable. Would it be surprising if oil tycoons were fans of Rand’s work?

In the end, the producers execute their revenge against the world that rejected them. Galt’s speech caused a lot of disturbance and the last chapters deal with its consequences, with more villains being evil for no reason and more showing how awesome their heroes are. Galt becomes more and more like Jesus, even with a gnostic Judas in Dagny helping him. In fact, in the funniest part of the book, where it comes THIS close from being self-aware, he says to his tormenters, when they asked to cooperate with him: “It took me three hours on the radio to tell me why”. It gave me angry laughter.

In the end of the day, what matters? This is a work of fiction, where caricatures of men and women fight each other. The entrepreneurial process works nothing like described in the book. It takes a naïve view of selfishness, upon saying that if everyone was selfish the world would be a better place, when in reality, if you expect selfishness, it’s what you’ll get.

It’s never explained how they invented their inventions, only that they did it and it’s awesome. The One-Man Industrial Revolution trope is one that I loathe a lot, because it misrepresents the innovation process. It requires so many factors, including government funding – scratch that, it REQUIRES government funding because technologies like touch-screen used to be so risky that no private company would take seriously and government can fund because it doesn’t go bankrupt the same way. Even if we take it as a metaphor, it doesn’t work when you stop to think.

Rand belongs to the same class of writers as Stephenie Meyer and Christian Weston Chandler. But she wanted to influence the world, she wanted it to be more than entertainement, much more. Thanks to her publishing network and appeal to real problems, she did it. This is why the problems of her work require critique. And I hope anyone reading this try to understand better what “relatability” means, this is what relatability can do. Stop trying to look for relatability everywhere, let it just come naturally and if it doesn’t come enjoy the story!

[inevitably-johnlocked]

do you have a list of podfic recs? i listen to a lot of @podfixx but she just has so many it’s hard for me to narrow down what to listen to sometimes. i’d love to give other podfic creators a chance too!

Hi Nonny!!

AHHHH Okay so I am a loser and don’t listen to podfics even though I know I would enjoy it for long road trips, but AHHH I don’t I’m so sorry, so I don’t have any PERSONAL recs, so the BEST I can do is give you a list of fics that I know have Podfics for them, since as I go through my bookmarks and update them, I’ve been adding podfic links to them because I like having my lists be as thorough as possible, so this will ALSO give me a chance for authors who know they have podfics of their stories can add them to my recs and I can add them to my offline list LOL

PODFICS 

BOOKMARKED FICS

To the Nines by suitesamba (M, 2,724 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Magical Realism, Pining, Angst, John Whump, Time Travel, Fortunes, Time Jumps) – John skips forward in time, and Sherlock reads the signs that point to nine. John knows he’ll eventually be with Sherlock, but the waiting is nearly impossible, and his body is a lot more than transport. A foray into magical realism where all the canon events occur, and a hell of a lot more.

Time on my hands by Mildredandbobbin (M, 7,179 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post S3, One Night Stands, Mutual Pining, Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Sexual Exploration / Discovery) – Virginity’s a construct, a concept—what does losing one’s virginity entail for a gay man anyway? Sherlock wants to fill that particular gap in his knowledge but John won’t, can’t, never will assist and there’s only so much desperately unspoken pining even Sherlock can take.

Software Malfunction by tiger_in_the_flightdeck (E, 16,679 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Android Sherlock, Love Story, Unhappy Ending, Angst, Suicide, Jealousy) – “You think I can’t love you? Just because you’re made with metal, and detailed programming?” The doctor propped himself on his elbow, and looked down at it. “I am nothing but blood and bone, and tissue. Things just managed get mashed together in a manner that made me like this. Just like you were put together to make you how you are. When I kiss you-” he did so, briefly, to prove his point. Then more deeply, and lingering, because he could. “When I touch you, or smile at you, does it make you feel different from when others have done it in the past?”

Corpus Hominis by mycapeisplaid (E, 47,709 w., 12 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Case Fic, Fluff, Romance, Frottage, Angst, Anal, Blow Jobs, Rimming, Spas / Massages, Shampoo, Jealousy) - John knows the human body intimately. He’s had plenty of opportunity for study as a doctor, soldier, and lover. There’s one particular body, however, he knows very little about. When Sherlock launches himself head-first into a new obsession and they get sent on a case in an unlikely location, the pair discovers each other’s bodies with confusing yet delightful (and sometimes hilarious) results.

Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary’s wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn’t exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues – just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.

Albion and the Woodsman by Glenmore (NR [E], 54,437 w., 50 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post S3, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst, Family, Drug Use, Depression, Sherlock POV, Light Humour, Reconnecting, Declarations of Love) – Sherlock and John are devastated after Mary Morstan makes her final moves. Sherlock relapses at the crack house, John walks around the world … and a lot happens in between. Parentlock, in the good way.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

The Heart In The Whole by verityburns (E, 101,650 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TGG Canon Divergence, Drama & Angst, H/C, First Time, Blind Sherlock) – Events after ‘The Great Game’ leave Sherlock dependent on his best friend and colleague. But John has a secret of his own…

The Wedding Garments by cwb (E, 105,390 w., 36 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Alternate Future AU || Alternate First Meeting, Dating / Arranged Marriages, Romance, First Kiss/Time, Heavy Petting, Cuddles, POV Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn / Falling in Love / Dev. Rel., Nervous/Anxious Sherlock, Jealous/Cranky, Hiking, Vacation Homes / Honeymoon, Sherlock’s Family, Horny John/Sherlock, Patient John, Massages, Hand Jobs, Assassination Plots, Hand Jobs / Oral Sex, Case Fic, Emotional Love Making, Bath Time Fun) – This is the story of a young consulting detective who wants nothing to do with marriage and an army doctor who wants to find true love. It’s 2020 post-Brexit England and the British government is encouraging arranged marriages. Candidates meet through state-run agencies and date in hopes of finding love (and tax benefits). Sherlock doesn’t need or want a spouse, at least not until John Watson shows up. Hesitant to give in to his more carnal urges because of the way they derail his mind, how will Sherlock progress toward the more intimate aspects of a relationship? The answer lies in a very special wedding gift.

Shatter the Darkness (Let the Light In) by MojoFlower (E, 109,683 w., 23 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Genie/Djinn AU || Magical Realism, Kidnapping, Genie Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Case Fic, H/C, Angst, Clubs, John Whump, Mild DubCon, Hand / Blow Jobs, Torture) – Fairy tales are for those who remember how to dream; not John Watson, broken and hiding from his bleak future in a beige bedsit. But then he discovers a lamp and finds himself in the dangerous riptide of an enigmatic man whose very existence is unbelievable, murder charges against his sister, and the growing pains of feeling alive once more.

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it’s a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

Performance In a Leading Role by Mad_Lori (E, 156,714 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Hollywood / Actor AU, Secret Relationship, Falling in Love, Slow Burn, Romance, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Pining) – Sherlock Holmes is an Oscar winner in the midst of a career slump. John Watson is an Everyman actor trapped in the rom-com ghetto. When they are cast as a gay couple in a new independent drama, will they surprise each other? Will their on-screen romance make its way into the real world? Part 1 of Performance in a Leading Role

Gimme Shelter by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (E, 159,368 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || 70′s Surfer AU || Period Typical Homophobia, Hawaii, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Professional Surfers, Gay John / Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, John was a Sailor, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining) – All John Watson wants is the feeling of a freshly waxed surfboard under his feet and the hot California sun baking down onto his back. To finally go pro in the newly formed world of professional surfing and leave the dark memories of his past behind him as he rips across the face of a towering blue barrel. To lounge beside the beach bonfire every evening with an ice cold beer tucked into the cool sand beside him and listen to Pink Floyd and the Doors while the saltwater dries in his sun bleached hair. That’s all he wants, that is, until the hot young phenom taking Oahu and the Hawaiian shores by storm steps up next to him in the sand in the second round of the 1976 International Surf Competition. (PUBLISHED AS ‘The Sea Ain’t Mine Alone’)

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE ||  Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

“TO READ” FICS

Curlock by 88thParallel (G, 1,285 w. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Sherlock’s Hair, Fluff, Ficlet) – How Sherlock learned to control and appreciate the incredible gift he was born with, and the man who helped him sort it out.

Letters, the Writing of by earlgreytea68 (G, 2,416 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF/Hiatus) – While he’s dead, Sherlock writes John letters. Part 1 of the Letters series

Let’s Say I Let You In by kedgeree (E, 9,972 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Halloween, Costume Kink, Est. Rel., Humour, Smut, Vampire Sherlock, Bloodplay, Biting, Romance) – It’s Halloween and Sherlock’s vampire costume is turning John on, but Sherlock doesn’t quite get the idea of a sexy vampire. At least…not at first. Part 4 of the Holidays series

Almost Home by Berty (E, 13,871 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Alternate First Meeting, Captain John, Pining John, University Student Sherlock, Gay Bar, First Time, Anal, Mutual Masturbation, Protective Big Brother Mycroft, POV John, Time Skips, Memories, Angst With Happy Ending) – He pulls out the ID card – the one that Sherlock had somehow seen when he was buying drinks at that awful club. He’s had other ID cards since then but he’s hung on to this one for some reason. He looks at the image of his face, young and pale and idealistic, and he knows that just a month later that man would have found and lost the love of his life within a week, and even knowing that, John wouldn’t change a single thing.

Heart on a String by AngelSpirit (E, 23,257 w. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Alternate First Meeting, First Kiss / Time, Infidelity, Angst, Fluff, Kidlock/Teenlock, Mentions of Recreational Drug Use) – John and Sherlock got married with Cracker Jack rings when they were 7 yrs old. It wasn’t official, but for their whole lives they took it very seriously.

Common Tongues: Unassuming Brilliance by jinglebell (E, 41,174 w., 11 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Anal, Rimming, Snowballing, Language Kink, Blow Jobs, BAMF John, Size Difference, Height Difference, Sapiosexual Sherlock, Barebacking, Size Queen) – John may be predictably average in most things, but there are a handful of areas in which he knows he is uncommonly skilled. He can make a great cup of tea, for one. He’s also good at patching folks up, putting bullets precisely where he wants them, and listening.The one skill that John is perhaps most exceptional in, though, is language. John is a polyglot.

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 43,936 w. || PODFIC AVAILABLE ||  POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Time, Post-TRF) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns. Post-Reichenbach.

Command Structure by 221b_hound (E, 49,034 w., 16 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post TRF / Not S3 Compliant, Dom/Sub Play, Dom John/Sub Sherlock, Oral/Anal, Anal Fingering, Frottage, Past Child Abuse, Anxiety Attacks, Captain Watson, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Protective John, Slow Build, PTSD Sherlock, Consensual, Past Dub Con, Rimming) – Sherlock Holmes returns from his hunt to destroy Moriarty’s network. He comes home to John, and at long last they start this thing between them that couldn’t begin while Moriarty threatened them. But Sherlock has returned fractured and suffering anxiety attacks. He thinks he needs discipline - the whip - to help him focus and be strong. But his problems are deeper and run back to a childhood of neglect. John Watson is prepared to be Sherlock’s Captain, but he’s a doctor too. His command style isn’t about pain and subjugation. It’s about care and responsibility: and those concepts go in both directions in Captain Watson’s command structure.

Saccharomyces cerevisiae (Baker’s Yeast) by yaycoffee (E, 60,879 w., 13 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Unplanned Pregnancy / One Night Stand, Drunken Sex, First Kiss/Time, Bit of Case Fic, Sally/Sherlock Drunk Sex First Ch.) – Sometimes, one makes an imprudent decision born of a devastating combination of drink and sentiment. Sometimes, the consequences of that decision take on a life of their own. And sometimes, the facing of those consequences shapes every aspect of one’s life–from the hugely meaningful down to the seemingly insignificant. Part 1 of the Knows His Own series

Perpetual Motion by Fay (orphan_account) (E, 75,789 w., 31 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Romance, Unconventional Relationship, Renegotiation of Boundaries, Virgin Sherlock, Changing Sexuality, Masturbation, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Exhibitionism/Voyeurism, Sex Toys, Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Humour, Grieving, Light Bondage, First Kiss / Time, Hand Jobs, Quarrels, Shower Sex, Pillow Humping/Frottage, Oral Sex, Slight Self-Harm, Chastity Device) – Everyone thinks that they’re a couple, but Sherlock’s self-sexual and John’s straight, so they’re never going to fall in love, are they? Even if neither of them can imagine life without the other.

The Blog of Eugenia Watson by Mad_Lori (G, 95,026 w. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || OC POV, Parentlock, Teenagers, Diary / Blogging / Journal, Family, Humour) – I like to think of this not so much as a blog but as the first draft of my inevitably best-selling memoirs. My Life In an Unconventional Family. How unconventional? Well, I live with my divorced parents and my dad’s husband. How’s that for starters? Trust me, it gets weirder.My name is Eugenia Watson, but you can call me Genie. I’m sixteen. This is my life. Note: Work is marked complete for now and is on hiatus, having reached a convenient stopping point. Additional chapters may be added in the future.

Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU ||  BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn’t truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes.” Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest

Drift Compatible by J_Baillier (E, 130.380 w., 26 Ch. || Pacific Rim Fusion || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Alternate First Meeting, Angst, Family Drama, Accidental Telepathic Voyeurism, Martial Arts, Sci-Fi, Internalised Homophobia, Rubbish Siblings, Army Doctor John, Medical H/C, Bullying, Neurodiversity, PTSD, Drug Use, Depression, Mourning, Adventure, Hurt/Comfort, UST/URT) – A washed out war hero struggling with his past. A prodigy who wants nothing to do with his family legacy. Both are looking for something—and someone—worth fighting for in a world where human civilisation is constantly under threat.

Nature and Nurture by earlgreytea68 (M, 203,273 w., 57 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Parentlock, Cloning, Kidlock, Dev. Rel.) – The British Government accidentally clones Sherlock Holmes. Which brings a baby to 221B Baker Street. Part 1 of Nature & Nurture

Radioactive Trees In A Red Forest by Maribor_Petrichor (E, 280,251 w., 73 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-S4, Suicidal Ideations, Alcohol / Rx Drug Abuse, Coming Out / Bisexual John, Seizures, Past/Referenced/Implied Child Abuse, Hallucinations, Rehab, Celibacy, Sobriety / Relapse, Slow Burn, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Psychological Trauma, Nice /Not Anti-Mary, John’s POV, Parentlock, First Time, Angst, Switchlock, Angst with Happy Ending) – John Watson is what happens when a man can no longer see a reason to go on. John Watson is what happens when a man starts to let go. “It is what it is.” John Watson is what happens when what “it is” becomes too much to bear. This is a story of the life, death, and resurrection of John Hamish Watson.

[lilacmoon83]

Lightning in a Bottle

Also on Fanfiction.net and A03

Chapter 11: Seeking Truth

Emma returned to the precinct later that afternoon, after a visit with Lily's parents. Killian sensed her somber mood, but approached anyway with a file in his hand.

"I got you in later...if you still want to talk to Walsh," he mentioned.

"Thanks," she said stiffly and he gave her another look. She sighed.

"I went...to see Lily's parents," she confessed. He sighed.

"It wasn't your fault...and you were cleared," he reminded her.

"She's still dead," she countered.

"And she'd still be dead if you had let her drive that night and maybe you with her," he argued.

"Emma...don't waste your miracle on your pain," he urged and she changed the subject quickly. Denial was an Emma Nolan favorite move.

"Anything else on the Taylors from my text earlier?" she asked.

"I ran them both...the husband is clean," he said, as she looked over the information. Apparently Tisbe and Jacob own a few commercial buildings, but it was the shopping mall they owned that stuck in her mind for some reason.

"Uh thanks...I gotta go. I'll be back later to talk to Walsh," she said, as she hurried out and he watched her go longingly.

~*~

David smiled, as his son arrived at the hospital with his father and ran to him. He picked him up and hugged him tightly.

"Did you have fun today?" he asked.

"Yeah...where's Mom?" Henry asked.

"She's on her way," he promised, as he and his father locked eyes and Regina arrived.

"Hello Henry...are you ready for your treatment today?" she asked.

"Yeah…I made this for you," Henry said, as he showed her his drawing.

"For me?" she asked.

"Yeah...it's all of us in my family and you and your dad Henry," he replied. She was surprised by the drawing since the boy had never met her father, yet seemed to capture his likeness. She grinned at him.

"I love it," she replied, as she took his hand. David waved to him, as she took him into the room.

"David…" Robert said, as his son turned to him and then was surprised when he hugged him.

"Thank you...you were there for Margaret and Ollie when I couldn't be. You kept it together for them," he said. Robert shook his head.

"It was the very least I could do and I more than owed it to you," he replied.

"I...I failed you and Emma, but when I lost you both, I told myself that if I fell back in the bottle that I would keep failing you. And that was even worse than losing you," Robert confessed.

"And I couldn't have gotten through any of it without you," Margaret said, as she arrived and hugged him, before slipping her arms around David's waist.

"And you've more than made it up to me by being there when I couldn't be," David assured, as Regina returned and Robert hugged them both, before leaving.

"Can I talk to you both a minute?" she asked.

"Sure...is something wrong with Henry?" Margaret asked with trepidation, as they stepped into her lab.

"No...he's responding well to the treatment. Very well, actually," she replied.

"But I found a unique protein in his blood and so I tested my own and I have it too," she explained.

"Then you think all the passengers might have it?" David asked.

"I can't be sure, but I'd like to take some blood from you if you're open to that," Regina replied.

"Sure," he said, as he rolled his up sleeve and she proceeded to extract a couple vials.

"Do you think the marker is something to be concerned about?" Margaret asked.

"Not necessarily, but I'll know more when I see if David has it too and keep researching," Regina replied, as her phone kept beeping. In annoyance, she switched it to vibrate.

"Just my mother wanting me to come to some pesky dinner. I think I'll have to go just to shut her up," Regina commented, before putting the phone back in her pocket.

"Let us know if you find anything," David said. She smiled and nodded.

"I will," she agreed.

~*~

Gold sat in the conference room, lost in thought, as he gazed at a photo. His thoughts were interrupted when Vance entered the room.

"Your favorite siblings are proving to be a pain in the ass," he commented. Gold smirked.

"Any valuable assets usually are, in my experience," he said.

"Your experience is interesting for sure, but I found something even more interesting in your past," Vance said, as he slapped a folder down on the table.

"You've been digging into the Nolan's pasts," Gold said.

"Margaret Nolan is the only person that showed up at the hanger with their spouse. She wasn't on the plane. I'm going to investigate a woman like that," Vance replied.

"I had no idea that Margaret Nolan was really born Mary Margaret Blanchard, the disowned daughter of Wall Street tycoon Leopold Blanchard," he said.

"I'm not sure why that is relevant. Leopold Blanchard isn't a nice man. His daughter is probably better off without him," Gold replied.

"I don't disagree. The NSA would love a better look into his operation, but he pays the right people to keep us out," Vance commented.

"But I found some interesting things in her past and his," he continued, as he produced some documents.

"The Nolan's mother was killed when they were twelve, the father was a drunk, and yet CPS was always diverted from their home, due to a mysterious financial adviser that made sure their bills and any other matters were always handled," Vance said.

"You can stop beating around the bush already, director. I appreciate your usual directness," Gold replied.

"The same adviser saw to it that Margaret Blanchard was emancipated from her father at sixteen as well," he continued, as he opened the file.

"The weird thing is...the financial adviser never went in person and sent a gopher named Jefferson to do all the in-person work, and operated under the peculiar name of Mr. Gold's Pawnshop," Vance said.

"And you'll find that all my records are impeccable," Gold retorted.

"Yes, you dotted all the i's and crossed your t's. But you failed to mention to me that you have been watching this family for a very long time," Vance said. Gold met his eyes.

"You're right...they have been on my radar for years now and if I knew why, I would tell you. All I know is that...they are important and now with the plane, I'm starting to see why," Gold said vaguely. Vance sighed.

"None of that makes any sense," he complained.

"No...it doesn't, director. But I assure you that I'm after the truth, just like you. But the Nolan's...they aren't the enemy. There is an enemy in this somewhere, but it's not them. In fact, I would be bold enough to claim that they are rather the saviors in all this. I don't know how or why...but they are the heroes in this, so to speak," Gold said.

"If you say so…" Vance said skeptically, as he continued to look through the file. Gold smirked and looked at his photo again, before putting it away and going back to work.

~*~

After Henry's treatment, the Nolan's arrived home and David was surprised to see Olive and a boy on the porch. David did a double take when he saw him and then recognized him.

"Nicholas?" he asked.

"Wow...hi Mr. Nolan," he replied.

"Wow...look at you," David mentioned, as Henry froze when he saw him.

"Hey Henry...it's Nicholas," David said.

"Hey Henry," the now older boy said awkwardly, as he and Olive slowly pulled their hands apart. She looked at him with a bit of guilt and Henry ran inside.

"Henry!" Margaret called. David looked at her and squeezed her hand.

"I'll go talk to him...it's a lot," he said. She nodded.

"Good to see you Nicholas," David said, as he went inside and Nicholas went home.

"I'm sorry Mom...I should have told Henry that Nicholas and I...hang out," Olive said awkwardly.

"It's okay honey...we're all navigating this together. Henry knows you'd never intentionally hurt him," Margaret said, as they went inside the house.

"Go talk to him...you two are due for a good twin talk I think," she suggested. Olive nodded and headed up, as Margaret put her bag down and went through the mail. She saw a few things of interest, but put them down for now, before going to the kitchen.

"So Ollie has a boyfriend," David mentioned, as he came into the kitchen. She smiled.

"If you can even call it that. It's mostly holding hands and hanging out, but he's been good for her," Margaret said, as he slipped his arms around her waist.

"I was definitely not ready for this though," he muttered and she smiled coyly.

"No...but then you were never going to be ready for your little princess to date. I mean, you were bad with Emma so we always knew it was going to be hard for you with Ollie," she said.

"Hey, in my defense, Emma dated some losers," he replied.

"I did not," Emma protested, as she came in and they both gave her a look.

"Okay...some of them were the who's who of human crap," she admitted, making Margaret snicker.

"Mmm...most girls don't get as lucky as I did," she purred, as she slipped her arms around her husband's neck and they shared a kiss.

"Ugh…" Emma complained, as she opened the fridge and grabbed a water.

"Like you two can talk. You were sleeping with each other at sixteen," the blonde reminded.

"We were in love...and we're in love now," David countered her argument and Emma rolled her eyes, as they started dancing in the kitchen.

"You two want to be alone or you want to hear what I found out today?" Emma asked. They stopped dancing, but kept their arms around each other and turned their attention to her.

"So...it turns out that the Taylor's own a bunch of properties, including a mall and I was digging and it seems like some of the mall employees don't exactly have a paper trail," Emma said.

"Illegal immigrants?" David asked.

"Possibly...now I'm not interested in busting anyone there, because that's not my job, but I think it may be worth checking out," Emma replied.

"You think if they're here illegally and Tisbe maybe found out...you think she was going to turn them in?" Margaret asked.

"I'm not sure, but she kept repeating the own your truth thing and maybe someone wanted to shut her up. Someone that stood to lose everything," Emma replied.

"It's a good theory. So you don't think this Walsh Ozwald is the killer?" David asked.

"I won't know more until I talk to him, but I thought I'd head down to the mall and check it out. You up for it?" Emma asked. David smirked.

"I thought I wasn't supposed to get involved with the investigation, because I'm a civilian," he teased and she rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, well it's a little late for that, genius. Let's go," she said irritably. David and Margaret shared a kiss, before he followed her out.

~*~

"Hey…" Olive said, as she opened his door.

"Can I come in?" she asked and he just shrugged.

"I'm sorry...I should have told you that I was hanging out with Nicholas," Olive confessed.

"Are you mad?" she asked.

"I'm not mad...he was just my friend first," Henry complained, as she sat down beside him.

"I know...this must be so awkward for you," she said.

"Yeah…and to think I used to be taller than him," he joked and she smiled.

"So...you're actually dating him?" Henry asked incredulously.

"I think dating is a strong word...but yeah I guess you could say that," she admitted.

"Ugh…" he complained.

"He's a pretty good kisser," Olive teased.

"Uuuggghhh…" Henry groaned even louder, making her laugh.

"He's been a pretty good friend, but he's still not my best friend," she said.

"Who's your best friend?" Henry asked.

"Duh...you silly," she replied, making him smile.

"But...are we even twins anymore? I mean...I'm still ten and you're fifteen now," he reminded her.

"I know, it's a really weird situation, but pretty unique. I mean, we're still twins since we were born together and I still felt like you were out there while you were gone, you know," she said.

"Really?" he asked. She nodded.

"People thought I was crazy, including most of my friends. Nicholas never did though, or at least he never said I was like others did. Lance was like that too, but in a different way," she mentioned.

"Isn't Lance the guy that wanted to date Mom?" he asked, a bit defensively. She laughed.

"Yeah...but Mom knew Dad was out there too. She felt it like I did. We never have to worry about Mom and Dad not being together, which is comforting since most of my friends have divorced parents," she mentioned.

"Yeah...our family is weird," he said, making her laugh again.

"Definitely weird...but in a good way. So...are we good?" she asked.

"That depends," he replied.

"On what?" she asked.

"On whether you'll help me with this," Henry said, as he pulled out his Lego Death Star.

"Oh...it's on, but we need the kitchen table for this one. Let's go," she said, as she took his hand and they went downstairs.

~*~

David and Emma arrived at the small shopping center and saw that most of the shops were closed already, but they spotted one woman, who was just locking up and called to her.

"Excuse me...can we talk to you for a moment?" Emma called, but the woman must have spotted the badge on her hip and broke into a run.

"Dammit…" Emma cursed, as they gave chase.

"Wait...we just want to talk!" she called, as they caught up to her and David blocked the exit.

"Please...don't turn me in. I have children…" she pleaded.

"We're not interested in turning you in. We just have a few questions about your Landlords. Answer them and we never saw you," Emma promised.

"You can trust her," David assured, as the woman saw that he did not have a badge.

"Mr. and Mrs. Taylor…" the woman said.

"The night before Tisbe Taylor died...the parking garage clocked her car here. Did you see her?" Emma asked. The woman nodded.

"My name is Cecelia and she came to me the night before. I thought she was here to collect the rent," she replied.

"And that scared you?" David asked. She nodded.

"Mr. Taylor overcharges on the rent for his tenants and if you don't pay, he calls immigration and turns you in," she explained, as the siblings exchanged a glance.

"But Mrs. Taylor came to apologize for that. She said she was going to shut down that practice and charge fair rent. She said she had to own her truth," Ceceila explained.

"Wait...she said those exact words?" David questioned. Cecelia nodded.

"She repeated that phrase several times," she confirmed. David and Emma exchanged another glance.

"Thank you," they said, as they left her and walked back toward the exit.

"So...that kind of makes Mr. Taylor a suspect now, right?" David asked.

"Oh hell yes," Emma replied.

~*~

Director Vance arrived at the twenty-eighth precinct and casually noticed that Emma Nolan's desk was empty, but continued his way on toward the Captain's office.

"Captain Humbert," he said, as he peered in and flashed his badge.

"Director Vance, NSA," he introduced.

"Director…" Graham uttered, as he stood up.

"What can I do for you?" he asked.

"You can tell me about your newest Detective, Emma Nolan," Vance replied.

"Emma is a great cop...I'm happy to have her back," Graham said.

"Oh, she would have to be. First day as a Detective, without even completing her physical or psych evaluation and she's already solved a huge case. That certainly takes skill," Vance replied.

"I'm sorry...do you have a reason to believe that Detective Nolan's work isn't genuine? She found and saved two abducted girls," he said defensively.

"Yes...when an entire precinct could not after canvassing for several days and then your wonder Detective, freshly returned from presumed death, finds them on a whim," Vance replied suspiciously.

"I don't know what you think is going on, Director, but I can assure you that Emma is just one of the best and brightest the force has ever seen. It was no surprise to me that she was able to crack this case," he said.

"You see, Emma has always been gifted when it comes to finding people. She has a natural ability and it was recognized even before the plane," he explained.

"That's interesting...then you won't mind me taking a look at the case files," Vance replied.

"I'll get them now. This precinct, including Detective Nolan, have nothing to hide," Graham assured. While he was gone, Vance stepped out into the hall, only to find Killian there.

"What interest do you have in Emma?" he asked defensively.

"It seems you were lucky when Emma Nolan came back from the dead and solved your case for you, Detective Rogers," Vance replied.

"Two little girls were saved, Director. I hardly care how it was done," Killian countered. Vance smirked.

"She solved your case; a case you had squat on, but this can turn out good for you," Vance said, as he offered his card.

"Or bad," he added.

"Your choice. You be my eyes and ears on Emma Nolan...or you don't. One can make your career and the other...well, you're a detective. You can figure it out," Vance said, as he walked out, missing Emma arriving by only a few minutes.

~*~

David arrived home and found a very heartwarming sight, as his kids were putting together a Lego Death Star at the table, while his wife dished up some ice cream for them.

"Hey...there you are. There's some pizza left in the fridge," she told him, as she offered him a spoonful of ice cream, which he ate off her spoon.

"Mmm...maybe later. I love starting with dessert," he said, as he slid his arms around her waist and she was surprised the ice cream didn't melt like she did, as he kissed her neck.

"Dessert is the best…" she purred in response, as they shared a kiss.

"Where's Em?" she asked.

"I dropped her at the station. Turns out...Mr. Taylor might have a motive," he replied. She gasped.

"Emma thinks he killed his wife?" she asked in horror.

"Maybe...according to some of the tenants at the mall they own, Mr. Taylor overcharges on rent and then threatens to call immigration if they don't pay. But Mrs. Taylor was going to put a stop to it," he replied.

"That's horrible...but does that mean maybe she wasn't targeted because she was a passenger?" Margaret asked. He shrugged.

"It's possible...and I hope so. It's sad that she was murdered, but I think I'll rest a bit easier if we find out it wasn't because she was a passenger," he replied, as she leaned her head against his shoulder.

"I guess I forget sometimes that not every woman has what I have in their marriage," she mentioned. He kissed her tenderly.

"Mom...where's our ice cream?" Henry called and they shared a smile.

"So impatient...wonder where he gets that from?" he teased and pinched her rear, making her gasp.

"I will get you for that later," she warned.

"You better," he said, as he helped her finish dishing up ice cream for all of them.

[in-tua-deep]

Ok so imagine that instead of running away as a kid, Five stays. However when Ben is supposed to die, it's Five instead and so Ben lives but Five's now a ghost and only Klaus can see him. What do you think would be the reason Five ends up dying, and how do you think the others would react?

OOF you just come into my house?? and hit me with that?? absolutely illegal

So Five stays. Five stays and they’re what, fifteen? They go on a mission, and one of them doesn’t come home.

It was supposed to be Ben. It wasn’t.

Five can jump through space, can warp into position, he’s frightening adept at it since he abandoned time travel and focused entirely on improving everything else he could about himself. He’s very very good at his job, and he’s the only one that notices something is about to happen

Maybe Ben has lost control of his powers, and Five is the only one to notice. Five sees Ben tearing himself apart and realizes that he’s the only one who can get close enough to knock Ben out, so he jumps and he manages but he’s not quite fast enough and Ben is out and the tentacles are retreating but not before one can grab him and hurl him into the wall with a sharp crack and then - darkness.

Maybe it’s not Ben’s powers at all. Maybe it’s a bank robber they didn’t account for, one who is frightened and has a gun and who has seen these terrible frightening children murder their fellows and they have a spouse and children and they don’t want to die here over money so they pull up their gun and they take the shot (at Ben, at the biggest danger) and Five sees them from the corner of his eye and without even thinking about it he - jumps. In front of Ben. He takes the bullet because Ben is the best of them, is the kindest of them, and he doesn’t have a single consideration for his own life only for Ben’s.

Maybe it’s something different, but no matter what it is the facts remain the same: Five sees a danger, Five is the only one who can reach his brother in time, Five acts without even thinking, Five dies

Five pops up again, gasping and realizing very quickly that he’s dead. He’s incorporeal, he’s standing at the scene of his own murder, people pass through him when he tries to get attention. But it’s established in the show that they can use their powers as ghosts so Five does what he does best: he jumps. He goes home. He realizes that one of his siblings can see ghosts, and he finds Klaus.

And Five isn’t Ben. He isn’t soft, he’s always been hard angles and sharp words - so when Klaus hesitates to tell the others about Five, Five offers proof. Various pieces of blackmail he’s gathered on the others over the years just in case, things that Klaus would never know. He bugs Klaus into calling a family meeting without Reginald and makes Klaus translate his comments because he’ll be fucking damned if Ben blames himself for Five’s choices. That’s not allowed to happen.

“But Klaus, I thought you couldn’t see ghosts when high?” One of them ask, because they aren’t blind and they know Klaus does drugs to deal with his powers.

“I mean, it’s Five.” Klaus says despondently, looking at where Five is waving his hand through Luther’s head with a fascinated stare, “If anyone could decide to defy all the rules it’s fucking him.” and they accept that because of course they would

and because this is me and i make the rules in my aus I say that this brings them closer together as a whole because Five isn’t Ben, he isn’t content just interacting with Klaus. He doesn’t stick to Klaus’s side by glue, he’s floating through the halls of the manor and then pops up in Klaus’s room like “Hey bitch go to Vanya’s room she’s sad and I want to give her the book on music theory that’s under my bed so up an’ at ‘em you get to me my legs”

“what if i don’t want to?” Klaus asks, only once

“then you get to hear the dulcet tones of me singing the song that’ll get on your nerves until you do” Five threatens, with a look that says it is NOT an empty threat so Klaus hops to

Five pushes at the boundaries of what he can do as a ghost. Ben can pick up books in the show, right? Five pick up books and throws them. He shakes cabinets when he’s angry. He’s basically a weak poltergeist with a very limited ability to interact with his surrounding - maybe he can only interact with objects he had a connection with in life? But in the mansion there are plenty objects he has enough of a connection with to manipulate SO the whole family gets to deal with shit being thrown at them by an irritable Five

Five debates haunting the shit out of Reggie but Klaus begs him not to, because then their dad would just make Klaus try control Five or blame him for it, so Five deals with just making sarcastic comments whenever Reginald is talking and also petty shit like,, giving him bunny ears or sticking his limbs through Reginald’s chest or hell even just gently breakdancing while Reggie is lecturing and Klaus has to really fucking try to not bust out laughing which is its own issues

Klaus gets special training in the mausoleum, and Five gets to go with. Five doesn’t know how to help with this, and maybe in another world Ben curls up next to Klaus and tries to softly comfort him but that’s never been Five’s style. He yells. He’s gonna be the SCARIEST FUCKING GHOST FIRST OF ALL HOW DARE THESE GHOSTLY LOSERS TRY AND FREAK OUT HIS BROTHER. Five is gonna find out whether a ghost can kill another ghost by being a a rabid chihuahua at these ghosts. He’s going to sing backstreet boys songs at the top of his fucking lungs to drown out these weirdos and make Klaus laugh. Maybe he jumps out of the room and jumps back with a flashlight or a book or something else in the manor that he can interact with, to keep Klaus entertained

Five has always had the attitude of being proactive about these things

Five goes on missions with them, Luther makes a dumb fucking plan and gets shivers down his spine and is immediately like “Klaus tell Five to stop sticking his limbs in my body” “Five says he will when you stop having little bitch ass plans” “I’m pretty sure he didn’t say that” “Actually that was a direct quote and also he’s flipping you off right now”

They get older. Klaus gets taller. Diego’s voice drops. Luther packs on more muscle. Five stays the same.

He’s dead, of course he wouldn’t grow. 

That doesn’t stop him from yeeting books off the shelves in a tantrum when he realizes that he’s doomed to be the shortest of the siblings except for Vanya for all eternity. 

(”Klaus what the fuck is wrong with Five now?” Diego asks. It’s the middle of the night. Books are flying off the shelves. Klaus is so tired, so very tired. “Five has realized that he is dead.” “…Yes?” “Dead people do not grow.” “Just say it Klaus.” “Five has realized he’s not going to get taller and is permanently fifteen and is angry about this.” “…alright well good luck with that, I guess.”)

They’re on a mission. They’re on a mission and Five is the ultimate lookout because he isn’t stopped by little things like walls or people seeing him or whatever. Five sees something about to happen, and he yells and something happens and Klaus’s hands are blue and Five zips through space and reaches his sibling (let’s say Diego why not) and he pulls even though he knows he’ll go right through but the guy is right there and he can’t watch his brother die and - 

Five does not go through Diego. Five pulls Diego to the side and the blow that should have killed him misses, and Diego lives, and Five touched him.

(Five is the scariest ghost around, and the other ghosts haven’t been bothering Klaus - so he’d been weaning himself off of the drugs for a while now, Five often needed him to do things that were difficult to do when drugged out of his mind and Klaus figured it was an even trade for Five scaring off the other ghosts so - he’s sober)

Diego has a knife, and he killed the guy, but his eyes are locked with Five’s the entire time because he can see Five. 

the whole family is shocked, even when Klaus gasps and the blue from his hands vanishes and so does Five to everyone but him. they look at each other and just stare. 

“tell luther if he tells dad i’m going to flood his bathroom again” five says, just a little hysterically. “what the FUCK klaus” says the rest of the family

they get home, and somehow Reginald finds out and he has a whole speech about Number Four’s potential and shit and the fact that he can summon Number Five and how perhaps it wasn’t as much of a loss as he thought if Five was still around as a ghost and later they all gather in one of the rooms which has become a commonplace occurrence when Five wants a family meeting and he’s always been willing to pull the ‘dead’ card

(before they gather, Klaus and Five sit in Klaus’s room practicing making Five corporeal and the first thing he does is hurl himself into Klaus’s arms and hug him. Because he’s still 15, he hasn’t touched anyone else since he died and his inability to touch his siblings hurt no matter how many times he poked fun of it by walking through them)

so they have a meeting, and blue glows across Klaus’s hands and Five is visible and the first thing Five says to his family in years is - “Me and Klaus are leaving, who’s coming with?”

Because they’re almost eighteen now, close enough to leave and not have it look too suspicious. And maybe Five didn’t run this plan by Klaus first because Klaus is shocked but Five doesn’t even blink because - Dad knows. Dad is going to want to train Klaus further and experiment with his powers and if that fucking mausoleum is any indication then Reggie has no idea how Klaus’s powers work or how to train them without hurting Klaus. And also Five has spent years now being technically out from under his dad’s thumb, there’s no way he’s sliding back under it

maybe luther protests, but Five is just like “Look, if Dad makes Klaus make me corporeal in his vicinity i’m going to snap his neck simple as that. I’m a vengeful ass ghost, okay? What’re you gonna do about it? Kill me twice?”

and they’re closer than in the original timeline. Five has floated through the halls and seen every instance of them being sad and made Klaus intervene - everyone in this room has had Klaus pull them close and hug them or listen to their problems or give them company or provide them with random books that Five probably picked out - and and and they all care for each other and know each other more than before. And Five includes Vanya, so she’s always there and Five WILL pull the dead card to keep her there because he wants her there and - 

they all agree. Diego is instantly in, he was planning on ditching as soon as he turned 18 anyway. Ben is in, because he’s close with Klaus and with Five. Vanya hesitantly pledges her support, because she’s so tired of Reginald calling her ordinary. Allison shrugs and says she’s in because it’s not like she wasn’t also planning on leaving when she was old enough, okay? Luther is shocked they’re all willing to ditch so easily but… at the same time… Five and Klaus have, over the years, opened his eyes to more than one glaring issue with their father so… tentatively he’s like “okay, i guess someone has to be the leader”

and they gather what they can, and they leave, they leave reginald a note which basically lets him know they’re leaving willingly and not to look for them or anything since they’re almost 18 anyway etc etc. and they go out into the world

they get jobs! they support each other! and maybe the shitty apartments that are all they can afford are too small for 8 people to share, but at least rent goes 7 ways (and it’s not like Five eats or anything) and they can shove blankets and pillows on the floor in front of their shitty TV and eat their shitty pizza and laugh as they watch all the movies they were never allowed back home

Luther gets a job as a mechanic, because he’s always been good at things like that. He remembers wanting to be an astronaut as a kid. He remembers studying rocket ships with wide eyes and putting together model planes and he’s good with his hands and strong and he’s surprisingly good at it. His boss definitely knows Luther is a runaway but has a soft spot for him and is full of gruff advice and gentle praise that Luther flourishes under.

Diego decides to try for the academy with the support of his siblings behind him, and he doesn’t drop out. He meets Eudora and the others all tease him about it. There has been at least one occasion that Five followed him to the academy without Diego’s know how and then told Klaus all about Diego’s awkward flirting

Allison gets into the theater scene and tries out for parts that she gets without even rumoring anyone. Because at the end of the day, she’s good - she’s a good actor. She ends up getting some small parts in movies as well, and the others proudly go see her in theaters and have any movie with her as even a background character in a place of pride on their shelves.

Klaus isn’t ambitious like the rest of the siblings, but he ends up working in a yarn shop run by several old ladies who he’s pretty sure adopted him the moment he said about not having parents in the interview. They teach him know to knit and let him do it between customers at the register. Five likes to run around the yarn shop and try bat balls of yarn off the counters like an asshole cat in between suggesting patterns and critiquing Klaus’s yarn choices. Eventually, Klaus sets up Five with his own set of knitting needles and the old ladies look at the needles clacking and apparently knitting by themselves and Klaus ends up telling them about his dead 15 yr old brother because I mean. He’s from the Umbrella Academy it’s not exactly like he’s an unknown with his powers, and that means that the old ladies absolutely fuss over this child ghost and help him with his technique

(that year, all of his siblings receive knitted socks and hats and scarves from Five on their shared birthday and Five is so pleased to be able to contribute something to the family again, even if they’re all still at a loss of what to give their ghostly brother)

Ben ends up going to college and going on to medical school because he deserves it and he gets scholarships to help out but all of the siblings chip in to put the siblings who want to through school, and Ben gets a part time job as a barista or something between his demanding classes but at the end of the day he wants to help people (he doesn’t want to be useless, like he was the day that Five died, wants to be able to save lives instead of just taking them - because the Horror doesn’t define who he is, and it never has)

Vanya goes to school as well!! She’s a violin prodigy! and they leave without telling their dad beforehand so she goes to get her pills refilled only to find out that they don’t have these pills actually what the fuck are they I’m assuming they’re special and Reginald supplied them somehow idk, and it’s not like the family can afford medication in THIS economy anyway so maybe she just stops taking them and hopes she can handle her anxiety without

and that’s how they find out Vanya has powers oops

OH you know what Vanya absolutely trains her powers with Five and Klaus making him corporeal because, as Five so eloquently puts it when they drive into the countryside, “What’s she gonna do? Kill me twice? as if” and that’s how Vanya learns how to control her powers and she still gets to go to school and she gets to join the orchestra and be first chair because fuck it she’s a goddamn prodigy and passionate about her craft and i love her, she deserved the world

they all grow and they change and they stick together as well as they can with all their varying schedules. they grow, except for Five who is still fifteen years old and who managed to save his family at the cost of his own life. 

But it’s okay. He hands Luther wrenches at his work and freaks out the other mechanics. He talks to ghosts for Diego so that Klaus doesn’t have to (because Klaus has always has a weaker stomach for blood and things than Five, and Five is dead he can see ghosts too that’s a thing). He haunts Allison’s sets until she puts her hands on her hips and scolds him about messing with her co-workers. He knits in Klaus’s shops and shows off socks and scarves to little old ladies with a pride he isn’t sure what to do with. He helps Ben study by holding up flashcards even if he isn’t visible. He goes to all of Vanya’s rehearsals and prods at the harps and pianos with curious ghostly fingers. 

He’s a constant presence in their lives, and they love him. And he loves them.

Five doesn’t leave. Ben lives. Five dies. Everything changes, but the one thing that will never change is that they are a family. No matter what, they have each other - in life and in death.

[teacherintransition]

Have no fear; you’re friends are here... no, really they are but might not be what you expect...

Like everything else in life, friendships, the truly significant ones, come and go in cycles....taking that into account, there can be some low moments.

I remember vividly Saturday mornings as a child; after eating the mandatory breakfast we would rush out the door to join a veritable army of buddies, pals and best friends and proceed to spend every sunlit hour playing, laughing and pretending all sorts of adventures. This magic went on for years and for a child that is timeless.

After this era, we became teenagers and who qualified as a friend became more subjective: fellow class clowns, car friends, “hi, bye” friends, cool friends and “no way” classmates. What would be surprising is that sometimes you were a “no way” classmate to which you responded to those who turned their back on you: “what a jerk... we were always friends in elementary school!” You had friends you played sports with and those that you hung around when discussing the ladies. Friendship became a confusing minefield instead of the spontaneous, organic thing it was when young.

I can only speak for myself, but I didn’t experience the college, party friends as my wife and were in abject poverty working numerous jobs and spending every waking hour studying. This period of time for Kim and me is commonly referred to as “The Blur,” so let us move forward.

This next stage is what Millennials and Gen. Z today call, “adulting.” I hate that phrase ... to us it was just living grown up. The friendship process becomes even more exclusive: work acquaintances, church friends, neighbors, parents of your kid’s friends and so on. This isn’t great ... it felt too outcome driven ... too focused on who could help you feel responsible, and more often than not it felt overly cautious. This is common for many as stress and overwork becomes quite precarious and you just feel consumed with having to be careful; ugh, why did we want to do that?

As you approach your forties and fifties, it’s not unusual to find yourself isolated. It can feel very frustrating as life starts to slow a bit and there’s not any friendships or as many as you’d like, to enjoy this period of life; and, sadly, you can find a distance has grown between you and your spouse, who ideally should be your constant friend. (In the background “I’m a Loser” by Beck softly plays)

The point of this particular blog entry isn’t just to plot out a linear plan on what to definitively expect in regards to relationships... as the possibilities are numerous. The point being, how to deal with feeling isolated, friendless, abandoned at any stage in your life. Nothing will ever be as spontaneous and natural as friendships made as a kid; let’s face it, we grow up and we become indoctrinated as to how to behave socially.

I’ve discovered that as one gets older, you’re faced with a choice: to be genuine to yourself and your values or play societal games of acquaintances that all too often are painfully superficial. It can be a good thing to find your circle of friends getting smaller as you age and shouldn’t be viewed with panic. Speaking again, only for myself, I got tired of the bullshit of game playing. I found myself seeking out “people of a like mind,” if you relish being different you can come across people that compliment you on a deep and profound level. It’s been my experience that these people find each other and the effect is similar to a person who has wandered for days in a desert and finally finds water. You crave connection not conflict ... the world provides way too much of the latter.

This realization can be an emotionally risky approach. If your spouse isn’t part of this circle... uh it can be painful. Luckily for me, my wife has grown into being my best friend and confidant. If your circle of friends (at this point saying “social circle” is a sign of defeat because you don’t have close meaningful relationships with a social circle) has become smaller, the eventual loss of some can carry a devastating impact. In my recent years, I have lost two incredibly close comrades that could never be replaced. I am the better for having had these bonds, but it hurts knowing nothing can replace such an experience. As the Buddha tells us, “life is loss and cannot be avoided.”

Over decades you can realize that many “friendships “ are more take than give and can be toxic to your state of mind. Pull up anchor and leave them ... they won’t follow and life is too short for such misery. Through that confusion, true, likeminded friends that allow you to be you will find you. I’m thinking of one in particular who I’ve known for forty years who shares a common philosophy of life that we discovered was strong as we experienced the trials of life that battered us in different ways. We often butt heads, but the similarities we share in how we think life needs to be lived is very strong and my life is better to count one such as this a friend.

I’m not suggesting purposely close off possibilities of friendships, unless of course it of the toxic nature previously mentioned, to the contrary, leave yourself open to the surprises life can present. Have I mentioned that I’ve recently retired? (Answer: yes ... a jillion times) I was saddened at losing work acquaintances but discovered a friendship that has lived beyond that milestone in my life. This “late in life” friend has been encouragement to me and I feel I have been to him. It is a quality bond as though we have many differences (think apples and oranges), the mutual passions about certain things as books, travel etc. are much too valuable to abandon. As you mature, treasure the conversations that flow like wine; if they flow like turbulent rapids ....uh ... no.

One last piece of advice or discussion, hold onto the relationship/friendship with your spouse. No one will ever know you as well as they will, and most of the things that strain this connection are often trivial and not worth the loss of your soulmate.

What can I tell you? What do I know? I’ve come to realize that wisdom is where you find it, (that Buddha is on point) and should never be overlooked. These pearls of wisdom are not rare ... we all have them. I guess the overriding point to be made is to extol those bonds that enrich your experiences, make you laugh and make your life better. “Blessed am I to count such as these friends ...”

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