#ana void

[corvidshadowgrovestrega]

Shadow Grove Bay - Character Moodboards

[corvidshadowgrovestrega]

Okay, so an idea. Here's a partial list of my almost finished OC's. They are in no particular order or sequence, honestly it's more of an utter mess.

Point is, I would be very glad to answer all the questions you may have about them. Because I do like to talk about them.

So just, you know, freely ask away.

every time someone gets invested in another person's oc an angel gets its wings

[distant-screaming]

thank you for the tags @sunsfancyscooter (here) and @idletype (here)! I love fun little games <3

this is pretty accurate to me! I'm just a silly little guy your honor 🫶

Tagging: @qt-qtoey @cornflowershade @welcome-to-the-shit-library @jojotichakorn @perfectlypeachbear @bubbaknowlton @jjsanguine @petrich0-r @karumizai @errorkey and anyone else who sees this <333

[goldeelocks]

I know its been said on here again and again but investing in your hobbies really is sooo helpful. I used to be excited to get home from school so I could eat and now I'm excited to get home so I can paint or draw or bake and I don't even think about eating

[panntofolaio]

I’ll be God today.

[avalost]

I think that, when everyone wakes up at the Elfsong each morning, Astarion is the first to throw open the shutters and let in the sunrise~

(view full size please!)

[flower-sunflower-blog]

What I think will actually happen in the Shelter lore

Ok, so…I’m kinda nervous about this xD

I’ve been wanting for a while to share my thoughts and analysis about the lore, and what I think will actually happen. This is always the part I enjoy the most, connecting the dots, interpreting a driving direction and thus giving the whole sense to the events occurring in the story. So...

Beings above

From what we know for now, Shelter is under the control/supervision (?) of some entities, I straight up call them gods xD It's mainly because s!Artea’s straight up used this term and referred to this idea. In general, there is a recurring theme of religion within this universe. 

I also think that the gods are common knowledge for everyone, and we, the audience, are the only ones left out about indepth details about them and their nature. They seem to have great power over everything. For me, they’re in this kind of neutral-bad area, as the control they have over this world is not something we could call…legit. 

They don’t seem to be the kind of superior beings granted with perfect moral standing and act upon a greater good. They’re straight up doing what they want, based on their own rules, and get away with this only because THEY are the superior beings. And how much they’re a big deal to you depends on how much you oppose their rules. 

That's why a lot of characters can actually have a chill life under them, as they either don’t have any reason to oppose them, don’t care, are fine living here as it is implied some came from worst places, and so and so. The “before Shelter” of the characters is something interesting to figure out for me, in order to understand everyone’s position and personnal struggles. 

For now i’d say :

s!Shade and s!Elk are chilling and the gods aren’t a big deal to them, at least not yet.

s!Hoot, s!Sweev, s!Ram, and maybe s!Heiwa, were in such a bad spot before coming in the Shelter, they just love being here despite everything.

s!Hayden and s!Luh have their own personal struggles to deal with for now. Maybe sAmora and s!Veni as well ? There are small moments where they seem to have things going on in their life, but we didn't see much yet.

s!Forest and s!Void, when they talked about it, seemed rather skeptical about the god situation, but just made the best of it without making trouble. 

In between, some of them seem to have a personal struggle related to the gods. The obvious one is s!Artea, I also kinda think there is something up with s!Miel and s!Void and their relationships with god entities that are still unknown. s!Lea seemed to have kind of an involvement with the magic gods altho it’s still mysterious. And finally, s!Mine didn’t get involved with gods yet, but some hints could make us think she’s a goddess. 

Safe or fair ?

The only one for now who seemed to straight up oppose to the gods is s!Cherry, thus showing us that this opposition have consequences. And the said consequences seems to also have collateral damage sometimes. That’s why gods’ opposition seems to be a collective deal : if you get in trouble, there is a chance you’re not the only one who will suffer from it.

Actually, there is also a chance that s!Ana is the one containing them, preventing them to go even harder on people. As if the “gold sacrifice” was a ritual that allowed the good to be less likely to lash out on people. 

In general, everyone is having a rather nice life, this world is still described as “safe” and a place you can enjoy living in. BUT it may not have always been that way, because some conversation give this sort of impression that work have been done in order to make it the way it is now. Again, I think it’s greatly linked to s!Ana.

If this world is peaceful, this world doesn’t seem fair. It can become an issue when, in parallel with this overall god situation, the members have their own backstories and motives. At the end, some people are in a fairer situation than others. Clearly s!Cherry is not happy with her current situation. And some people seem in a tougher spots than others. Altho we need more details, I think it could be the case for : s!Miel, s!Lea, s!Hayden, s!Luh, recently s!Void etc. 

It’s where stand the dilemma of choosing between doing things in order maintain  peace, or doing things in order to make things right. And I IMMEDIATELY thought about s!Pomme involvement in the story. s!Pomme has the goal to keep everyone safe, and surely will make actions in order to keep everyone peaceful, I think she’ll likely side with s!Ana. But s!Pomme has also this side of her who can’t stand unfairness, who doesn't accept abiding to the will of selfish beings and their arbitrary rules, who wants to burn everything. But would she risk to put danger upon her and her friends for this ? 

Losing battle

And we finally get to s!Ana’s case. I really see s!Ana as the driving force of the story. Her goal is to keep everyone safe and peaceful, in order to do so she both have to deal with satisfying the gods and preventing them to come after them, and with the member’s personal struggle when the said struggles can be a threat to the peace. 

s!Ana is a good soul and she cares for the well being of her found family. But I also feel like she worked so hard to keep things the way they are for her efforts to be wasted. She’s currently submitting 100% to the gods, she’s doing actions for everyone's common well being. It’s such a huge burden she have to carry when she’s only one person who doesn’t always know best.While I still have not listened to the playlist, I saw that a lot of the songs allude to her not feeling adequate or strong enough. But she’s also driven by love for her family.

This being said, I think I already see how flawed her character is even if her goal is really fair, and why it seems like it’ll be the main source of challenges in the story : s!Ana is in a situation where she’s imposing this ���ideal” of peace to everyone, and wants to keep the status quo. But she's not taking into consideration that the “status quo” is not ideal for everyone. And sometimes her ideal can directly conflict other’s, again s!Cherry who will really find happiness through freedom and not submission. 

She also wants to get rid of conflicts and make sure everyone reach a mutual agreement. But on hand, she’s fighting a losing battle, as she could never end up satisfying everyone, and will always end up feeling like a failure. On the other hand, I also feel like thinking too much about “solving” a conflict is ending up neglecting the reason why there was conflict in the first place, and preventing people from expressing and working out deeper issues and feelings who are the cause of the occuring tensions.  

It seems like there are a lot of communication issues in general, and people don’t get to share their struggles with others, outside of some really close relationships case, like s!Ryan and s!Miel seem to be. Again, I think this is one of the main element that will push the story forward.

I'll quickly mention s!Shade, what I find interesting is that as much as not involved they are for now with the god situation, it seem they're the most strong and loyal ally to s!Ana, along with s!Lumi. He's one of the less likely to be a threat to the peace as they're not really opposing anyone nor going through big struggles that s!Ana would have to deal with, he's mostly doing his things and minding his own business. And he seems to be in agreement with s!Ana's goals and acting to serve her best interests.

Villains

I think we're in the story where there isn't really "antagonistic" character, but rather character that have antagonistic “potential” for some arcs. We have the morally gray characters who only plays by their own rules, I’m thinking about s!Pancks and s!Bipeo, both really interesting to me.

More about s!Bipeo :

More about s!Pancks :

On a quick note, s!Pomme is already upset with s!Pancks actions when he killed the children, I think it may come up later.

Going into antagonistic potential, we have s!Jean and his hot tempered actions, but I don’t see him as a “long term” villain. Just putting here my previous analysis about s!Jean for more details :

There is s!Ryan who is in my opinion the main antagonist of this arc, she’s a slow paced villain as she’s carefully planning everything. I really love her character because her actions are driven in my opinion by inner scars. She feels really deeply human, embracing the “villainess” role in order to not be hurt anymore.

More about s!Jean and s!Ryan as villains here :

I suspect s!Miel, while not having hostile attention, being a potential chaos element bringing mayhem all around. And finally, I think s!Ana has the great potential of being both the hero/main character, both the villain in someone else’s story. 

.

.

So yeah, that’s basically my assumptions, what I think will be the main conflicts between everyone, how the story will be driven, which main themes, etc !

[chubbyybunnie]

Tw: insecurities, body talk, whining, venting

I get extra embarassed when I see women who have had a kid or kids that have nice bodies.

Like...wow...you gave birth and you look like that.

I have 0 kids and I look like a melting shitmoji...

I literally have no fucking excuse.

[adambja]

Your feelings are just feelings your feelings aren't your self-concept at all

note: some things I wrote here are just like the last 2 posts it has some points where it's like I talk about myself and you just take it as if it's now you it's beneficial I think what I want is limitlessness and if you want it too well read this

So this is an important topic I noticed it when someone asked me about the feelings and the self-concept basically guys

Your feelings doesn't define your self-concept you can be anxious or whatever you feel and just still have your perfect amazing self-concept it's just states okay?

So let me clear it

In every state i go through everyday day and night I still have my perfect self-concept no matter what I am still worthy if I am anxious or tired I am still deserving of what I want even when I am tired and I am still getting everything I want easily effortlessly and instantly when I am tired or whatever emotional state I go in it doesn't mean that I have to work on my self-concept more!! At all it just means that I want to meditate a little bit do a vagus nerve exercise it helps a lot if you use headphones earphones or whatever too long and just cover your eyes when you sleep also breathe even like sit boundaries with everyone so you can have your own time

I am worthy remember this!

I am important remember this one too

I don't have to worry about anything

I am fearless

I am shameless

I feel good about myself

Again let me make it simple

Your self-concept isn't how you feel!

Feelings are feelings that's it just say that you let it go and move on

Your self-concept is how you view yourself that's it

You can choose your feelings by affirming simple affirmations that you feel comfortable and it always works instantly so no need to try so hard lol

Also when I am tired the law of assumptions works everything works when I am in any emotional state or even tired physically so enjoy your life

YOUR SELF-CONCEPT ISN'T HOW YOU FEEL

I saw one post about detaching from the human self it's beneficial read it too

Now goodbye and enjoy your life babies

[a-ramblinrose]

“A witch’s cat isn’t always black. Mine is an elegant tortoiseshell. She refuses to come when I call to her, but as soon as I start reciting a spell, she’ll appear at the top of the stairs, as though she was never gone at all.”

― Theodora Goss, from, ‘The Witch’s Cat’

[distant-screaming]

BL WRAPPED 2023

Thank you for the tags @solana-ceae (here) and @pondphuwin (here) <3! I've been sooo normal about bls this year (lie)

I did more spreadsheet-ing for this than is probably justifiable, but it was fun math so I don't mind!

-----

You watched 61 bls this year (including incomplete ones). That's approximately a deranged amount of hours! (I don't know if this makes the number better or worse, but I only started watching bls this year :D)

You primarily watched bls from Thailand. (surprisingly, Korea was second!)

You spent way too much time thInking about these characters: Palm (NLMG), Akk (The Eclipse), and Tinn (MSP). (surprising to, let's see... literally no one.)

Your favorite show was Never Let Me Go. You kept thinking about it all year. (there were a few different shows that could go here, but the chokehold nlmg has on me is undeniable. i feel insane about this silly little show.)

Your overall bl mood was pining idiots. (i'm pining for them to get together <3)

You read the most fanfiction about The Eclipse. Like way too much. (you cannot blame me though - the akkaye writers are on a different level!)

Another of your favorites from this year was Sound/Win (MSP). They captivated your gay little heart. (my skrunklies!!)

The soundtracks you listened to the most were ร้อยฤดูหนาว (100 Seasons) and เอาเลยมั้ย (Let's Try). It made you feel really normal. (super duper normal. promise. also, 100 Seasons might not technically count, but... my post my rules :3)

Your favorite acting pairs were firstkhao and pondphuwin. There was just something so mesmerizing about them... (argh, I can't pick favorites!)

-----

Here's to another year!!

That was fun! Some very interesting statistics (god... 61 bls.......) but this year was like letting a kid (me) loose in a candy store (the world of bls) for the first time, so.

Tags: @soundwin @cornflowershade @theoryofarson @jojotichakorn @akaane000 @ranchthoughts @lamonnaie @seajimmy @mutlishipperfangirl @softneomiro and anyone else, please tag me! <33

[thinspsworld]

unfortunately I now know what they mean by "the little voice" and there right it's something you can't get rid of.

[theguardiananatak]

Nearly fell out of my chair when I saw Xûr has a zen/headseeker cold denial for sale this weekend.

[orphanlavinia]

I split today and had a huge crisis. I was able to realize that I was being irrational on my own but by then I had thrown my phone, the phone ring and my dinner against a wall…. Hard. Which was led by crying, sweating and feeling very weird.

I’m so thankful for having a man big enough to crush my soul into my body and that would never harm a fly.

Makes feels extra guilty.

Today it’s not like I want to die. I just wish I didn’t exist for a bit until my body is no longer this weak, painful and such, I’ve neglected to say I have been sick as a dog for three weeks.

I’ve been taking a social break even from the people I like the most cuz I’m splitting on them.

I haven’t done anything about the splits to them.

I want to keep it like that.

So silence.

At least I can play video games now.

I feel stuck.

[flower-sunflower-blog]

s!Ryan theory part 2/3 : I was tame, I was gentle 'til the circus life made me mean

TW : depression, self hate, psychological abuse, suic*de (if you’re uncomfortable with these topics, I advise you to go through it carefuly ❤️)

So ! I couldn't WAIT to finally talk about the origin story ! It was my main reference to interpret s!Ryan's past/backstory and current psychology. And I so deeply wanted to share it !

I'm not necessarely good when it come to playlists for a bunch reasons xD But to explain you a bit, the way I went with it was that I was paying attention to recurring themes/ideas from one song to another. And then tried to connect everything to each other, other hints etc (for the fyi, I went over it like 6 times, no exageration xD)

I think I figured out a good part of the story conveyed by this playlist. I won't get into all of it in this post tho, there is an important part of the story that I save for the last post.

Each time I'll try to show my point with exemples and everything. Keep in mind that this is just my theories tho, that nothing is sure because I could still be mistaken at some moments !

⚠️ Before everything ⚠️

This post will be a bit different as I'll get a lot into s!Ryan's psychology, her feelings and experiences. And you'll see that part of what s!Ryan went through is beyond the context of magic gods.

It echoes to real feelings, real life experiences, real life topics that I'll get into as well. So again, if you're unconfortable with this, I advise you to read through it carefully.

But this is something I'm really excited about, as it allow us to see how complex and real s!Ryan actually is.

"Family"

There are 2 songs specifically related to family, they're even at the begining of the playlist : “family jewels” and “family line”.

I’ve been wondering if s!Ryan's family could be from royalty. 

Firstly, it’s just a detail but, there is the head picture of the board. The "setting" seems to be in a kind of royal/aristocratic home.

And at one point, Ryan used a quote from the sleeping beauty. I'll give the context later, but here is the full quote :

 “In a far away land, long ago, lived a king and his fair queen. Many years had they longed for a child and finally their wish was granted. A daughter was born, and they called her Aurora. Yes, they named her after the dawn for she filled their lives with sunshine. ”

It is referring to the parents as the king and the queen, thus making s!Ryan a sort of princess ? And then obviously, there is the whole question of finding a way to tie everything in the context of the lore of the Shelter.

As often, a lot of possibilities. If there was a cult around the sun or some deities, maybe s!Ryan's family were important people in it ? Maybe there were gods ? Maybe they were from a high ranked species ? Maybe s!Ryan is a saint/prietress/angel from birth ? It's really intriguing.

I definitely think tho that s!Ryan grew up in a “prestigious” environment.

“I can't break the cycle, am I just a fool? [...] Pass it down from kid to kid, the chain will never end. 'Less I decide to go to it, will I see the end?” (Family jewels)

I think it could be an allusion of a sort of prestigious lineage. Family from nobelty have in heart to "maintain" statues and infuence through generations.

It also seems to refer to a sort of generational trauma, a cycle that they abide too but that "chained" the members. A way of living that no one questionned or broke ?

And that's where everything start in s!Ryan's story, from her family and the way they treated her.

And it was bad, she had it hard, the songs are pretty self explanatory for this :  

“Oh, all that I did to try to undo it. All of my pain and all your excuses. I was a kid but I wasn't clueless - someone who loves you wouldn't do this" "Might share a face and share a last name, but - We are not the same” (Family line) “Ooh, don't you find it strange?. Only thing we share is one last name” (Family jewels)

It seems that s!Ryan didn't have a lot in common with her family, that she didn't get along with them. But most of all, she was deeply hurt by them, by their actions.

For me s!Ryan's family was definitely toxic, maybe even psychologically abusive to her ?

“Typical of me to put us all to shame” “Oh, you think I'm unfit. Little did you know that I was cut for it. No glass slipper will ever fit” (Family line)

It seems with these lines that they were putting high expectations for her, that she was "unfit" to them.

“Scattered 'cross my family line. I'm so good at telling lies. That came from my mother's side” (Family line)

I also wanted to bring your attention on that, the idea of "lies", "fakeness" in general, being something her family teached her. I'll get more on that later.

“Family said that I decided to live a loveless life. Is it my fault we stay divided? 'Cause I got too much pride” (Family jewels) “I watch the fathers with their little girls. And wonder what I did to deserve this. How could you hurt a little kid? I can't forget, I can't forgive you 'cause now I'm scared that everyone I love will leave me” (Family line)

In these lyrics, there is the idea that the child is wondering if they're the problem in this situation ? If they've done something wrong, if it's their fault that things are the way they are ?

-> And that's sadly typical in this kind of situation.

Because family is supposed to be a safe place, the people who loves you and care for you unconditionnaly. But when your family is not this safe place, not caring, not loving, you start wondering if maybe you're the problem ? If there is something wrong with you that makes you undeserving of their love ? Underserving of love in general ?

That's the second idea, a direct consequence of that : s!Ryan's family, with the way they acted with her, made her feel like she was underserving of love.

It mess up really early on your self value, and your relationships with other people. All because the one persons who were supposed to be trustworthy, safe, make you feel valuable and loved, didn't.

I think that there is an important theme of "love" around s!Ryan, in the core of her character, especially about the way she's able or not to feel "love" for other people.

s!Ryan’s “lover(s)”

Again, going onto recurring theme, I think there is someone s!Ryan was in a relationship with at that time, maybe even “engaged” to. Maybe multiple people ?

Either way, a lot of the songs refer to romantic relationships that were toxic, where the partner was straight up bad.

There is also the possibility that s!Ryan was “pressured” by her family to get with them, even forcefully engaged. 

“They sent me away to find them a fortune. A chest filled with diamonds and gold” (Control)

(On another note, in a lot of songs there is mentions of "jewels", especially the fact that s!Ryan is compared to jewels. Maybe it echoes how she was considered ? A kind of "pretty object" ?)

“If our love died, would that be the worst thing? For somebody I thought was my saviour. You sure make me do a whole lot of labour” (labour)

The song "labour" is really interesting, about the reality of heterosexual relationships for women. I was wondering from this line if s!Ryan saw this situation as something positive at first ? Someone who would "save her" ?

But then, a lot of the songs express how badly she was treated :

“I never trust a narcissist. But they love me [...] ‘Cause for every lie I tell them. They tell me three” (l did something bad) “I don't like your little games. Don't like your tilted stage. The role you made me play of the fool. No, I don't like you” “I don't like your kingdom keys. They once belonged to me. You asked me for a place to sleep. Locked me out and threw a feast (what?)” (Look what you made me do) “… You caged me and then you called me crazy” 'Cause you lured me. And you hurt me And you taught me" (Who's afraid of little old me ?) “Who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars. Collecting your jar of hearts. Tearing love apart” (jar of heart) 

(And there is also the whole song “Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve” that I recommend you to check out, it's really impactful.)

I think that the relationships she had made her feel worse, value herself even worse. The other person is described as a "narcissist". It seems like they were belittling her, gaslighting her, maybe even "toying" with her feelings ?

-> Again, it's often a recurring pattern : when your family set your self value so low, you tend to get with people that doesn't value you.

Before moving on the next point, just so you know, a lot of songs refer to another kind of relationship she had, and in this case, it was more complicated. But I'll leave this for the last post.

The sunshine

So, I said i'll go later on this hint and the quote from "the sleeping beauty", here we are :

I was able to find out that it was a quote from the sleeping beauty, I'll put it again :

"A daughter was born, and they called her Aurora. Yes, they named her after the dawn for she filled their lives with sunshine”.

Maybe it was how her family and social circle in general perceived her ? Or maybe, how they expected her to be ?

Then you have all the hints I’ve shown about the idea of s!Ryan being a saint, being “holy” even compared to the sun.

It may tie to the lore about deities, and she could be a "litteral" saint. But what's certain and important here for me is the idea of her "acting" like a saint.

A lot of the songs refers to a “past self” who was nice and clean.

“I wanna be an idle teen, I wish I hadn't been so clean” (teen idle) "Angel, " he calls me”, "You're so pure, " he says” (Fruits) “I was tame, I was gentle” (Who’s afraid of lil old me)

I think at one point, s!Ryan was acting like a saint, like a beacon of sunshine for people around her. She was making other people around her happy.

But she was not happy herself.

A lot of the song expressed how much s!Ryan was in a bad mental state at that time : low self esteem, tired, hating herself, feeling messed up on this inside, depressed, and even suicidal

“And I couldn't stand the person inside me. I turned all the mirrors around” "And I tried to hold these secrets inside me. My mind's like a deadly disease" “These voices won't leave me alone. Well, my heart is gold and my hands are cold” (Control) “Are you insane like me? Been in pain like me?” (Gasoline) “There's rotten things left in me. Injected by society. No one here but me to judge me” (VOID) “Feeling super, super, super suicidal” “The wasted years, the wasted youth. The pretty lies, the ugly truth” (Teen idle)

What that inspire me is the idea of someone acting perfect for people while sacrificing their own well being in the process.

"Angel, " he calls me. Does he know that I'm falling from a precipice that I tripped off long ago?” (fruits)"

I really find this line impactful, and really meaningful for "what's coming next". How the fact that her being described as an angel, as "pure" wasn't something positive. Because people loved her when she was feeling at her worse.

For me, there is this whole idea of people expecting you to act "perfect" all the time. They end up not loving the "real" you, rather a "perfect" version of you that benefit them. And they don't really care about how much you suffer from it.

Social pressure

This part will kinda regroup everything I said until now, and add more to it. It's about the whole environnement, what I call the "social pressure".

“Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me? [...] Saying that you shouldn't waste your pretty face like me?”  “You can't wake up, this is not a dream. You're part of a machine, you are not a human being. With your face all made up, living on a screen. Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline” (Gasoline) "The pretty lies, the ugly truth” (Teen idle)

There is a lot this idea of acting "fake" in front of people. And as I said earlier, about how her "family" is fake and that she gets it from them.

Maybe it would make sense, again, in the context of royalty and high-ranked people, where it's a constant game of appearances and you have to abide through arbitrary social standards.

But that's also accurate to society as a whole, about social conventions, about putting up a mask to "fit in" and being otracise if you don't.

“There's rotten things left in me. Injected by society. No one here but me to judge me” (VOID)

Then we come to social standard, sexism and gender roles. The way society consider women, the way they "pressure them" to act a certain way that devalue them. Through the songs, there is a criticism of this.

The idea of sexism, of s!Ryan's gender being the very cause of a lot of her problems, is really present :

“If we had a daughter, I'd watch and could not save her. The emotional torture, from the head of your high table. She'd do what you taught her, she'd meet the same cruel fate” "All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid. Nymph then a virgin, nurse then a servant.” (labour) “When he stole my virtue [...] That I was born a daughter and not a son. For if I'm going down” (fruits) "They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one" (I did something bad)

Finally, from the board, there is this.

I think it alludes to the social pressure, the expectations, the look of others. And mostly, how it can really mess up someone.

And that's the "origin story", it all start there, from how badly s!Ryan was treated by her family, in her relationships, by society as a whole.

The devil

At one point, s!Ryan started having affinity with the “devil”.

The idea of religion, heaven and hell, god and devil, was really present. But what was the most present was the idea of siding with the devil. “Me and the devil” being the best representation of that. 

“And I said hello Satan, ah. I believe it is time to go. Me and the devil walkin' side by side [...] So my old evil spirit. Can Greyhound bus that ride” (me and the devil) “My love, are you the devil? I would worship you instead of him. I have no time for confession. For I'm too busy committing sins” “My love, you're something special. I've never met someone like you. You'd make me fall from heaven”  "Devil, " you call me. But seems to be enjoying. Oh! Oh, call me a devil. Oh, you call me a devil” (fruit)

In general, she embraced the “evil” path. It was the changing point for her.

“I'm meaner than my demons” “I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head. They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead”. (Control) “If you'd never looked my way, I would've stayed on my knees. And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil” (Would've, Could've, Should've)

That's not all, going back to some moments of her lore :

And then going back to the hint board, there is this idea of a dark spirit in contact with her, "corrupting" her :

Figuring out what is the “devil” she’s talking about is kinda complex (for a change). 

It may be an abstract idea, but also a dark entity. It could even be someone in particular. It's kinda like the rest : entity ? god ? lover? symbol ? xD

You'd make me fall from heaven” "Devil, " you call me. But seems to be enjoying.

I see something kind of deep in the fact that she enjoyed being called "devil" and falling from heaven.

Because being a "saint" was the reason why she was suffering in the first place. And she didn't like herself.

I think she liked not being seen as perfect, that her "darkness" inside her was being perceived, understood.

And because she hated being a saint, she would rather become the complete opposite.

s!Ryan “death”

At one point, s!Ryan killed herself.

When I saw this as well as other hints, it made me think that s!Ryan could’ve died before being resurrected by the tree. It was just a suspicion of mine.

But now, I’m 100% sure that s!Ryan killed herself and came back to life. First this on her board :

And then this idea is like, omnipresent in the playlist :

“And the day has come where I have died, Only to find, I've come alive” (Teen idle) “You may bury my body. Down by the highway side” (Me and the devil) “Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time”  “I'm sorry, But the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, 'cause she's dead” (Look what you made me do) “If you wanted me dead, you should've just said. Nothing makes me feel more alive” (Who's afraid of little old me?) “You have to understand that the one I killed is me, changing what I was for what you wanted me to be” (If I killed someone for you)

And finally, the whole song “Achilles come down” is about a suicide attempt.

It seems to be coinciding with the whole "devil" allegeance I talked about earlier. I think the most important aspect is how she symbolically “killed” the one she was before.

It’s about how she killed the "saint" s!Ryan, the perfect and nice girl, who was depressed, felt unloved, was mistreated.

And she came back to life as the evil one.

I like how this picture can convey a symbolism of "phoenix". Symbolically, s!Ryan was killed and burned by the fire around her - family, lover(s), society - and then she was re-born through the "fire", a element of mayhem and destruction that she had control of.

Who is in control ?

I’m finally reaching one of the main and most recurring themes : having power and taking revenge on those who’ve done her wrong. 

She became manipulative :

“I never trust a narcissist. But they love me. So I play 'em like a violin. And I make it look oh so easy” “I never trust a playboy. But they love me. So I fly him all around the world. And I let them think they saved me” (I did something bad)

And she took her revenge over people who treated her badly before :

“If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing. I don't regret it one bit, 'cause he had it coming" "They say I did something bad. But why's it feel so good? Most fun I ever had. And I'd do it over and over and over again if I could” (I did something bad) “But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time (nick of time) I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined [...] Ooh, look what you made me do”  “all I think about is karma" “I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me, I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams” (Look what you made me do) “Acting on your best behaviour. Turn your back on Mother Nature. Everybody wants to rule the world” (Everybody wants to rule the world) “… So I leap from the gallows and I levitate down your street. Crash the party like a record scratch as I scream. "Who's afraid of little old me?" I was tame, I was gentle 'til the circus life made me mean "Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth" Who's afraid of little old me? Well, you should be… You should be” (Who's afraid of little old me ?) “And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me". I can't help this awful energy. Goddamn right, you should be scared of me. Who is in control?” (Control)

Then I'll be referencing the timeline I did in the previous post :

I hope it can make clear how the "change" s!Ryan went through isn't only about hair or magic, it's really psychological.

Current s!Ryan became the one who had power over everyone, and she became everyone's worst nightmare.

I miss who I used to be

There is this line which was really interesting to me.

“God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be. The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind. I regret you all the time” (Would've, Could've, Should've)

What really got to me is how most of the songs expressed that s!Ryan didn't like the one she was before, preferred the one she's now : the one having power, being ambitious, selfish, in control.

But in this one, it is said that she "miss" the one she was before ? It feels so real actually.

About how one's feelings aren't as simple as it seems, even if a lot of the songs express that s!Ryan changed her mindset, deep down she may be more conflicted.

And the second interesting aspect is a reminder about how s!Ryan herself wasn't the one who "killed" her previous self. Her "nice self" was killed by the suffering she went through, by what people put her through.

That going through this change was her own way to put an ending to it.

I'll put these lyrics again :

I was tame, I was gentle 'til the circus life made me mean "Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth" Who's afraid of little old me? Well, you should be… You should be” (Who's afraid of little old me ?)

It's a reminder about how villains aren't born, they are made. s!Ryan made me go really emotional, because even tho she's acting like she's 100% confident in her new form, she's in her core the result of suffering from what she went through. From the consequences. From her feeling of loneliness.

Suming up

In conclusion, s!Ryan when she was young was someone who was nice, a "sunshine". She was lifting up to expectations that people had of her, she was “perfect” but it made her feel tired, depressed, having low self esteem. 

Her family was toxic and unloving, her “relationships” made her feel even worse. But at one point she had enough, she rose up in order to become the one in control. Going from someone sweet, to someone mean and dangerous, embracing the “bad role” and feeling better than ever. 

She “killed” herself both literally and metaphorically. That's her origin story, but....

What about current s!Ryan ?

I'll bring back your attention on s!Ryan current lore, about what she actually said :

That’s why for me, her playlist was so important to understand her. You get why she only cares about herself, why she takes so at heart opposition against her, why she feels like she has no one. It all come from her past.

She seems to base a lot of her current relationships around manipulation, and also seems to have a hard time trusting people :

(about the sun)

s!Ryan for me is someone who’s life made her mean, and selfish. But she’s still carrying inside her all the pain that she felt, all the “rotten” and “broken” side of her.  

It seems like she has a hard time opening up to people, because she wasn't used to be loved, and that she may don't trust the fact that people actually love her ? That people CAN actually love her ?

Love

You know how I said at the beginning that "love" was for me the core of s!Ryan's character ?

It’s also why her way of “loving people” is so deeply interesting. Sure, she likes to be flirty, either to be silly, mess around, or manipulate a situation for her best interest. But what about how she genuinely feel ?

Does she loves some people ? Does she know how to love ? On one hand, she doesn't seems to "love" a lot of people, and she says that she only cares about herself. But on the other hand, we can't say that there isn't people she seems to be at least attached to in her own way ?

She seems to have a twisted way of feeling everything because she never felt loved herself, but it doesn't mean she can't feel at least a bit of affection some times. Again, it's not black and white, it feels really complex.

That's why her relationships are FASCINATING to me, they're often really complex because impacted by the fact that s!Ryan's way of seeing relationships, of loving, is twisted by her inner scars.

Her relationship with s!Void is so emotional to me, because s!Void is someone really nice, sweet, someone s!Ryan was never used to, who feels so different from her.

And her relationship with Miel seems also deeply complex, and really mysterious.

And this will be for part 3!

Thanks for your attention :D

[chubbyybunnie]

I dont know how to manage my time well.

I cannot wrap my head around doing work, going to school, studying, exercise, cooking, etc all being done in one day.

Am I broken? Did I miss something everyone else got when we all turned into adults?

I just kind of...shut down... after I clock out.

I have such a hard time doing things.. like mentally starting things

How do yall do this?