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Mom gave me a whole bag of the cutest 2000's jeans that she "would never squeeze herself into again" but they'd "definitely fit me cause I'm so small"

Needless to say I'm never eating again

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29//08//2024

Lowkey it's been really hard to self regulate between mania and depression. As soon as I get functional, start doing my chores, studying, working out, my heart automatically starts beating faster, my mind gets hyperfocused and there you go, I'm insane.

I'm upping my fluoxetine dosage and it works so good as an appetite suppressant, I'm honestly shocked. Also everything makes me nauseous and I throw up from the smell of food so I'm on an accidental crash diet 💀

I think I'm gonna stop drinking for a while again, it makes me feel bloated and gross. I wish I could get my hands on some uppers but my brother's prescription run out and I don't wanna mess with harder stuff rn

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Me when I start feeling the physical consequences and health issues of starving myself for years

🤔🤨😑

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I'm super conflicted about getting involved with this community because I love it so much, just having people to talk to about all of this shit and to relate to, it's so great. But I also really don't want to do any harm or trigger anyone. I'm trying my best to be more harm reducing but like, when I speak freely then some harm must come out of it ://

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I've decided to try doing "my year of rest and relaxation" because I am clinically insane and there is nothing else in my life so <33

So anyway, I got a bunch of protein drinks, sleeping meds, new fluffy pillows, I am going to sleep. I'm just gonna write down my stats so I can see if I loose weight when I'm unconscious. Ight goodnight

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18//11//2024

Day 1/??

My hair looks so bad. I'm such a mess rn. At least my skin is better that it has ever been but I'm worried I'll break out from the meds.

I really want some girl-friends, almost everyone I talk to right now is a man, they're cool but I miss talking to girls about girlie stuff :(( dms are open girls

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25//09//2024

Guess what girls and gays, I'm off my antidepressants and I'm pretty sure their fully out of my system now so I'm fucking miserable <33

I gotta start restricting for that dopamine kick cause holy shit

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I think this is one of the weirdest things I've ever tasted. It tastes like playdough, marzipan and fresh raspberries. My brain is so confused.

Kinda good tho ☆

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30//08//2024

Got drunk of my ass the day after I said I'll quit drinking. I can't decide whether I should feel sorry for myself or disgusted by myself. At least I didn't eat anything. The hangover is gonna be wild.

I'm spiraling <33

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I need 10 things rn and 9 of them are drugs

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14/07/2024

I'm starting to come down from the mania and it sucks but at least I'm semi-normal again, that was intense.

Today was cream cheese sandwich day •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

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It's really weird to be in this community after all these years. It can be both relatable and very alienating. Reading all the vents of those "normal" girls who just want to be pretty and skinny, who think that starving makes them beautiful. I don't understand that. I am obsessed with beauty. The idea of beauty, the power, my place in that realm. Of course I think I'm prettier when I'm skinny. But sometimes I think that's just a cover for what goes on underneath.

The power struggle. The obsession of it all. The control. The truly disturbed and perverse nature of it. That darkness is what I chase. Sure, being a size 0 is nice but who the fuck cares, really. I want to drown in this disorder. Be absorbed by the thick and warm matter. Flirt with death, not letting fall into her peaceful embrace but willing to gently stroke her hand.

Am I really alone in this? Is that how we all feel? Is there something in between?

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Update//

It's 3am and I "binged" on eggs and protein powder (that ortorexi roots go hard) and I purged for the first time in so long, like over a year long and now I hate everything and myself so much, I feel so guilty, I can't believe I did this, I want to cry so badly

I'm all puffy, everything hurts and I'm so sad

I really just wanna be hugged rn. Whenever I throw up I feel like a little orphaned fawn shaking and crying alone in the woods

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Okay

11/07/2024

I had some more blueberries, even more coffee and a bit of watermelon. It's boring, sorry

Also I bought cigs after not smoking for weeks and I feel a bit guilty for wasting money on that. But yeah I needed some support and that support is nicotine

Uggs in July

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I literally promised myself that I wouldn't fast but I don't give a fuck anymore, I'm going to until I can't go any longer