#am so fucking alone I don't have anyone
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
I wish love like you hear about in songs exsisted.
#pj barks#sorry y'all i'm depressed as fuck and i'm so scared all the time and i've been so terrified all the time for over a year now and I just#am so fucking alone I don't have anyone#i don't have one single person#bc everyone in my life is in crisis or survival mode and I can't#I can not lean on any of them I have tried and I can't#there's nothing there#and they all have other people#but I don't#I don't have anyone else#just these people who can't help or support me in any way not even emotionally#so I just#am not okay#anyways I deleted my last kink blog bc I wanted to kill myself but promised my partner I wouldn't#it flet good for a little#can't promise I won't delete this one later#right now it's nothing#anyways i'm not even a real person#i'm a dog maybe#there's something wrong with me that keeps me from being real#from being wrothy of love and care and support#I know this bc it's been like this my whole life
0 notes
Text
i think its stupid that you can feel lonely yet be surrounded by people who love and care about you
its a fukin scam
#I miss flirting with people#why am I such a loser#ahhhhhhhhhhhhh#I hate everything about myselfffffffff#why am I like thissssss#why am I typing this when I don't want anyone to see it#who am I fucking kidding I wouldn't be making this post if I wanted no one to see it#I cant be depressed when everyone else is depressed they need someone to support them not drown them deeper#I need a hug ;v;#my mom cut contact with me my irl friends have moved on my aunt is busy my grandparents don't have anything in common with me#I just feel so shitty#and I'm definitely not going to talk to my dad#he's a bar creep that only fed his damn kid when he had a woman over#I just need to be someone's favorite person#I need to not be forgotten#but they're all moving on without me#no one can handle me at my worst#I'm tired of this I'm tired of feeling so alone and that's why I've made characters in my head that I've used for 6 years now to keep me#from going insane
42 notes
·
View notes
Text
I just want it to be tomorrow after work so I can get unfathomably high on edibles and turn off my brain for at least a few days
#i want to be 'can barely form a sentence' high#i want to be so high that I can't think or feel for a while#don't want to think about being alone for another fucking holiday#don't want to think about being alone for the rest of my life#don't want to think about how scared i am of what the next 4 years will bring#don't want to think about all of the people hurting now#don't want to think about how I'm a weak baby for whining about my own problems#don't want to think about no matter how much dumb shit and art supplies i buy I'm still alone#don't want to think about the only person who loved me unconditionally being dead#don't want to think about how scared i am of velma getting sick or hurt because then i won't have anyone#don't want to think about all the things I've done that could bite me in the ass#don't want to think about the horrific inequality here and everywhere and I'm here just one person like an ant on a sand dune#don't want to think about how my desperation to be loved also makes me feel like a greedy asshole when so many have less#don't want to think about how much i want to punch some of my coworkers#don't want to think about the friendly obvious idiot who sent me a tape full of love songs but clearly has no romantic love for me#don't want to think about how hard it is to even find a game to distract myself with#don't want to think about how many of my plants are dead/dying and what a useless gardener i am#don't want to think about my car and how i worry about when it's eventually going to break down#don't want to think about the cysts on my scalp that i need to cut out myself because I can't afford to have it done professionally#don't want to think about how it's probably just a stupid kids daydream that I'm trying to save up for a house#don't want to THINK or FEEL or NEED or WANT i just want to be semi-comatose stoned because it feels like nobody would notice if i were dead#depression#vent
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#feeling really lonely lately and idk why#i mean i guess this is what 5 years of complete isolation do to ya lol#but yeah... sometimes it hits me that i don't really have friends (my fault obvs) and i just sit here with no idea how to change that lol#cause i have the curse of being ok while i'm alone and feeling incredibly anxious when i'm with people#so i convince myself that i'm better alone#and i am for the most part#but then 5 years since the last time i met someone that wasn't my mom or my brother go by and i go ''hmm... i don't think this is healthy''#and i spiral into a pit of dispair#like i can't believe that my highschool years when i was an absolute emo ''i hate everybody and everybody hates me'' kind of dude#were healthier than now#because i had online friends whom i talked to for hours about just random shit#and i met incredible people in uni but i haven't talked to them in literally i'm gonna say 5 years?#and the fact that they live 3hs away doesn't help but still#and i fully know I'M the problem#cause i isolate myself and i don't text and i don't hang out when they arrange hang outs#(again being 3hs away. relying on public transport and not feeling comfortable going out at night don't help..)#but also i put waaaayyyy too much pressure on this so that doesn't help at all#and i'm waaaay to awkward and self depricating to even attempt to have a meaningful friendship with anyone...#so i'm left here (by my own actions) alone and sad lol#i might be getting my period btw so maybe that's why i want to die today#but yeah... it's been in my head for a while now and i wanted to get it out so i can move the fuck on#if only i could be a normal person... sigh#angel talks#personal
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
very weird to frame your abuse apologia as being aware that the writers intended to illustrate a mutually harmful dynamic and not an abusive one. when the writers in question also wrote the line 'once you put it out there, they [the audience] decide what it is' because nothing you ever create has any innate definition. when the writers in question decided to racebend major characters and then showcase them being harmed by white or nonblack characters in a repeatedly racialized pattern when they Did Not Have To Do That and then genuinely or disingenuously decide to dialogue about their directly or indirectly illustrated racialized dynamic of intimate partner violence within and outside the narrative. like to be quite honest it does not matter what they intended because this is what they made and this is how it Looks to a notably large amount of people. who just happen to be interpreting it wrong? according to what metric? the very metric they say Doesn't Work in their own fictional creation? ok
#j watches interview with the vampire#i keep saying i'm tired of talking about this but i'm not#iwtv is SO enjoyable to me when i Don't make excuses for obviously shitty people#cannot comprehend the level of mental gymnastics. well actually i can lol#like i'm not trying to suck the fun out of a fictional show of fun fucked up dynamics#it's fun and fucked up Because. they let it be fucked up#let it be fucked up!#so many people seem to have such an aversion to the idea that lestat ever abused anyone but especially louis#when we know even if he didn't abuse louis he definitely abused claudia. often IN very misogynistic and racist ways btw#which people conveniently ignore#let alone that he does similar things to louis even when he at the same time would never Want to abuse louis#like both are true. i think. like#it's good that we as a society have tried to be better about cutting off abusers at the heels to compensate for it not happening Enough#but we have to stop pretending they aren't human people and that abuse is a Human act and that their humanity#and our ability to understand them with Our humanity just Disappears the second they do something monstrous#like no. both are true. all of it's true#pretending lestat was never abusive does nothing for no one#and i really truly feel like it takes the bite Out of such a compelling story to view it that way#let it bite my friends i promise you will survive it#imo seeing lestat's abuse for what it is =/= Cancel Him NOW like. i still enjoy him for what he is as long as he's Allowed to be what he is#which the finale. um. appeared to backpedal lol which is why it immediately sucked to me#realizing i am Because Of Woke-ing lestat but like people are afraid to call him abusive because they like him and they feel like#they can't continue to like him if they admit he was ever abusive. Because of Woke HFKSDJF
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#VENT#VENT TAGS AHEAD !!#so the job is...awful.#i applied for 20-25 hours#they asked if i could do 30#and now theyre pushing me into 40.#i didn't realize that when i agreed to 30 that was NOT binding (i should have known because it wasn't in my job offer. but i am 19 and--#ive never had a job offer letter before. even tho this is just retail)#and i can't adjust my availability for 90 days.#and since i put full availability expecting 25 hours max#now i have FULL 24/7 AVAILABILITY ON FILE for three months at least#and i have no idea what to do because this means i cant commit to any classes coming up for college#but ive been job hubting for months and barely got anything#and if i lose the job i have to move back in with my dad which is almost worse#whats wirse is my leader/boss is so mean. im not saying this lightly#i dont want to get into it but im barely a week in and he's made disrespectful and pushy comments towards me#has basically told me to stay late (which theoretically i cluld say no; but im still on my three months of 'we will fire you if we want to'#and like i said. need the job.#so he told me to stay late knowing i cant really say no#he's given me a frankly absurd amount of work (instock and i get carts filled woth 2-3x their max capacity unorganized and dangerously--#overloaded) and then he pushes me and snaps at me to get it done in an absurdly short timeframe while im still in TRAINING#im afab and present femme as i haven't transitioned irl and he is so ragingly sexist#he often just refers to me and the other girl being trained as 'girl' or 'that girl#and to top it all off#i took this job over a second interview at a place i really liked#because i thought the hours at this olace would be more consistent#nope! full time! surprise!!#and now im kicking myself so fucking hard over it. i feel like i fucked up so hard#and my friend i moved here with has been home for two months and will be this month so im just. alone. and i don't really have anyone to#turn to. im just so very stressed and tired and lonely
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm already starting to regret that I joined yet another Discord server.
#personal#i'm trying to learn about game modding and while there are several channels dedicated to different areas of modding#the resources are scattered are all over the place#and there's so much discussion in between those resources/posts that it takes a long time to find anything#i searched one keyword because i couldn't find a pinned post about it and there were 47 pages of results for that keyword alone#yeah i'm not gonna go through all that#i'm surprised anyone who joined there recently can learn anything#unless they have a lot of time and patience or something#it literally took me hours last night because i didn't know shit xD and trying to navigate that place is like#trying to find a needle in the haystack. plus some of the creators there are so rude to anyone who's just as confused about stuff as i am#and some of the 'newbie' tutorials they put up there are literally not that great for beginners#unless they already have good basic information about how to use blender or ue4 or other stuff#it's a fucking chaos honestly#this is why i don't really use discord anymore#i get disoriented and overwhelmed when there's too much stuff at once and it's not even well-organized or well-explained#putting up an archive for resources and tutorials would be great. or at least locking up certain servers so they wouldn't be#clogged up with discussion would be great too#but i guess it's just me then
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
🥲
#just a heads up if it seems like I'm blogging and normal: I am not#have genuinely been struggling between planning either... suicide. or to run away from everything#idk all I can even say is I'm just capital t Trying. right now. for anything#so I'm distracting myself somewhat with stuff like finishing fgo stories and whatever#All I want is to be treated with a little dignity.#and I feel like lately nobody does or people just assume the worst of me and then blame me for it#or infantilize me or act like I'm some fucking animal to be observed and trained#this is on top of the amount of stress I'm going thru at work being the person who comes in clutch while Everybody calls out sick#so yeah I have been contemplating ending it all lately because I can't fix myself and I kind of don't want to#regular posting may return idk#we'll just have to see how this next week goes#I just ask people to not take out their frustration on me I am already dealing with everybody I ever known taking it out on me right now#and treating me badly and blaming things on me because they know I can 'handle it'#so I'm struggling between 'it's really me that's irrevocably bad everyone else is right' and 'everyone is taking their depression out on me'#and I just. can't. take it. anymore.#and I don't have the energy to defend myself because every day someone asks me to take responsibility for some nonsense or try to mediate#and i don't have time for my own feelings right now so I'm just driven to try and hurt myself#and I couldn't even talk about this for a week. I would hear myself or another alter telling me to shut the fuck up and stop being dramatic#I couldn't process anything#I couldn't physically or mentally even conceptualize telling anyone anything because it all just seemed so stupid to me#and it kind of is?#but I don't really know what to do about it.#so here I am. Still here for now. I don't know. I don't feel like anyone can actually help me. I'm well aware that nobody Can help me#so rose is forced to be alone once again while whatever this is passes or changes shape. idk#long tags //////92829
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#going through an absolutely uh heart wrenching breakup right now and#i need someone older and wiser to tell me how this goes#we live together. she wants to be single. i want to keep her as my lover. i wanted to live with her like lovers for the rest of our lives.#we want to stay friends. we're best friends. weve dated for 6.5 years. im nauseous in denial i don't have people who know how to help me#dumb putting this bs on glitter blog but just in case anyone has survived something like this and can DM me hi#how do you live with someone youve had the best times of ur life with when they don't want you to be more than friends#i want to hold her forever. she doesn't want to be beholden to anyone in this point of life.#im deleting this post later just hoping someone might see and help bc i am absolutely lost and dont know how on earth to act#im in fuckin nyc and it hurts being alone somewhere so big. crying on the subway and shit.#we live together. we live together. the lease ends february 2025. what the fuck. its a studio apartment. its one room and one bed.#op barks
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
it is extremely funny that the shit I post about DAV that I do not tag somehow always gets like 10 notes, where are you people coming from lmao
#I'm guessing mentioning the characters in the tags somehow has them pop up#despite me not actually tagging them#glad my mad ramblings are funny?#my blog is fucking ancient and I have never had many followers let alone Active followers#so I don't imagine I'm popping up in anyone's radar or whatever it is now#I am simply Amused and Baffled
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I decided I will no longer be begging for people's very limited attention
#i am done being so desperate and bring the only one desperate#i know ive said this before and i always just crawl back because of just how lonely and broken i am#but im reallu done this time#like if im having a crisis i would rather either dealing with it alone or dying than to be abandoned mid convo a-fucking-gain#and don't get me wrong i do NOT blame anyone#no one deserves to have to put up with me#but just.... please stop lying to me#don't tell me youre not tired of me when you so clearly are#please#vent#this isn't targeted at anyone btw
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
So cool having nothing to live for and nothing to look forward to and zero friends this is awesome 👍 (this sucks someone please save me)
#all I do all day is scroll through tumblr and twitter all day#eat lunch and dinner stare at the wall or sleep#sleeping is much better than being awake tbh. I don't have to.think about how miserable my life is lol#I have no friends. at all#nobody cares about me#no one I knowcould give a fuck if I were dead or alive#I have nobody to look forward to talking to and nobody aactively wants to talk to me#or even looks forward to it#I genuinely don't think anyone even wwants to be close to me honestly#so I'm just left alone all day every day with nothing to do but think about how miserable I am and howw living isn't worth it anymore 👍
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#dot post#Transformers is very much an “I don't go here” fandom for me but#not only does Rewind/Chromedome get me going (they're dweebs! the size difference! the star-crossed lovers element! the angst!)#but apparently as like. as an unexplored *thing* in the comics. they trapped a version of Rewind in his alt mode. which is a data fob#and apparently Chromedome keeps his partner plugged in to his body. they're in each others' heads.#the fucking intimacy of that. the horror of it. he's never alone. he's never *alone.*#Chromedome has to take care of him. he's tiny in that form. it would be easy for something to happen to him#they're still so intimate. they're so in love. his partner can just carry him around. his partner more or less *has to* carry him around#Most of what I know is from the wiki and tumblr so I might be super wrong about parts. but.#I can't seem to find anyone that talks about it and I don't know enough about the fandom to look any further than I have#but holy shit that concept is hot. whump and body horror and existential horror in one is exactly up my alley.#it is almost 1 AM and I think that carries enough implication about what state I'm in right now#ignore morg#this has more of an effect on how I think about other works than one might think#there's a character from G who I want to see get uploaded into a gundam and forced to either stay there or delete that copy of himself#if he wants to download himself into a new body#like if he wants to move under his own power again without a PILOT he either has to wrestle with having *another* other copy of himself#and possibly (definitely) losing the coin toss anyway#or killing (deleting) himself after the download#hold on to your livers#I have weird kinks you guys
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
vent
#i feel so fucking alone right now#is it just seasonal depression?#the feeling of being around people but knowing you don't belong#like you don't have a purpose#the sadness around the fact that you just don't matter#is it selfish to think that?#is it too self-centered to feel like you just shouldn't exist#i hate being me#i hate being in my body#i hate knowing i am like this and i hate the fact that i am writing these messages#it's the kind of loneliness that feels justified and nonsensical at the same time.#I don't deserve to feel lonely because i have great people in my life#how dare i call myself lonely.#I deserve to feel lonely because i am not a person worthy of anyone's time.#Fuck. Me.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
The duality of life is so crazy. I was back on campus today, I’ve been feeling pretty ancient all week because it’s been frosh week which means I have to deal with the fact that this year’s class graduates in 2028 (that’s not a real year) and were born in 2006 and 07, years that I can remember writing in the margins of a school notebook.
I'm walking around campus for the beginning-of-year campus clubs fair, and it's all, people love me, people think I'm cool, people are coming up to me saying they like my fit, in the meanwhile I'm internally getting jumpscared thinking wait; these incredibly well-dressed kids are approaching me whilst I'm shovelling fucking peanuts into my mouth out of a bag in my tote bag
There comes a point when you officially get Older and become invisible to cool young tiny things, and then you can do whatever you want because they sort of stop noticing you. I've been feeling a bit old this week, I'm at Big Person work, everyone around me is like half a decade younger, we're at quite different stages in our lives, I've been thinking. But I also have the sort of face that would pass me for a 19 y/o clearly, because these kids all have pulled me in like I'm some sort of counter culture bohemian trendsetting cool kid, and whatever the hell that means, it's definitely instantly made me feel a lot younger and connected with 'the youth'
#it's funny saying that because I am literally the exact age that you'd call youth#but if you're in a student-y area you're bound to feel old the minute you hit 22 because you're now older than 3/4 of undergraduates#fellas. I am not 22. I feel fucking historic sometimes. The kids look at me in awe because I saw Greta van Fleet live in 2019.#That was not even their first tour but these kids were 14 when that happened. I was old enough to go alone#(This is also why I have been feeling like I've got to move eventually. Student towns are great at perpetually being 21#You go to a real city and the young people are 30#Also my planned city is where all my favourite bands tour so it's a win-win#it's just I've been So Scared because I don't know anyone in said city and I work remotely out of elsewhere#Eventually I will take the plunge. Maybe next year! It'll be a bitch to rebuild but you know. Can't stay stagnant forever)#chitter chatter#I'm still a little thrown off when cool-looking people think I'm cool. My mum thinks I dress like a slob lol
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
i feel like half of my posts are just hidden from other people's dashes bc like 80% of what i post is just not seen by anyone
#and i hate feeling like im begging for attention#i hate making posts like this#its just i get. really scared. like im either doing something wrong or i just suck or im not fun#i hate feeling alone and isolated it's. one of my worst fears#and i don't know what to do in these situations#i hate feeling like i have to constantly remind people i exist at all it scares the hell out of me#but also i feel horrible and stupid for just crying about nobody liking my stupid fucking posts#i don't use any other social media this is the only place i interact with people so this is kind of all i get#and i started posting more bc i thought maybe if i just do that I'll get something#but it feels like every note i get is solely for that one popular post i have and nothing else#i dont like. need comments or reblogs just like. idk. seeing the 0 notes makes me feel invisible like i never posted#i feel like exactly 5 people ever interact with me and even then it's only on a few posts#am i doing something wrong? did i break some unspoken rule i didn't know about again? i don't know#am i just annoying#i#i just#we've been so so blurry lately and we keep begging for people to talk to us so we don't forget our system completely#because we don't keep track of this stuff without external motivation so we need to talk about ourselves to someone#we lost our only system irl bc they turned out to be a predator and now we have nobody to talk about system stuff to#i just . want a friend to talk to#i just want to talk to anyone
2 notes
·
View notes