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I wish love like you hear about in songs exsisted.
#pj barks#sorry y'all i'm depressed as fuck and i'm so scared all the time and i've been so terrified all the time for over a year now and I just#am so fucking alone I don't have anyone#i don't have one single person#bc everyone in my life is in crisis or survival mode and I can't#I can not lean on any of them I have tried and I can't#there's nothing there#and they all have other people#but I don't#I don't have anyone else#just these people who can't help or support me in any way not even emotionally#so I just#am not okay#anyways I deleted my last kink blog bc I wanted to kill myself but promised my partner I wouldn't#it flet good for a little#can't promise I won't delete this one later#right now it's nothing#anyways i'm not even a real person#i'm a dog maybe#there's something wrong with me that keeps me from being real#from being wrothy of love and care and support#I know this bc it's been like this my whole life
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very weird to frame your abuse apologia as being aware that the writers intended to illustrate a mutually harmful dynamic and not an abusive one. when the writers in question also wrote the line 'once you put it out there, they [the audience] decide what it is' because nothing you ever create has any innate definition. when the writers in question decided to racebend major characters and then showcase them being harmed by white or nonblack characters in a repeatedly racialized pattern when they Did Not Have To Do That and then genuinely or disingenuously decide to dialogue about their directly or indirectly illustrated racialized dynamic of intimate partner violence within and outside the narrative. like to be quite honest it does not matter what they intended because this is what they made and this is how it Looks to a notably large amount of people. who just happen to be interpreting it wrong? according to what metric? the very metric they say Doesn't Work in their own fictional creation? ok
#j watches interview with the vampire#i keep saying i'm tired of talking about this but i'm not#iwtv is SO enjoyable to me when i Don't make excuses for obviously shitty people#cannot comprehend the level of mental gymnastics. well actually i can lol#like i'm not trying to suck the fun out of a fictional show of fun fucked up dynamics#it's fun and fucked up Because. they let it be fucked up#let it be fucked up!#so many people seem to have such an aversion to the idea that lestat ever abused anyone but especially louis#when we know even if he didn't abuse louis he definitely abused claudia. often IN very misogynistic and racist ways btw#which people conveniently ignore#let alone that he does similar things to louis even when he at the same time would never Want to abuse louis#like both are true. i think. like#it's good that we as a society have tried to be better about cutting off abusers at the heels to compensate for it not happening Enough#but we have to stop pretending they aren't human people and that abuse is a Human act and that their humanity#and our ability to understand them with Our humanity just Disappears the second they do something monstrous#like no. both are true. all of it's true#pretending lestat was never abusive does nothing for no one#and i really truly feel like it takes the bite Out of such a compelling story to view it that way#let it bite my friends i promise you will survive it#imo seeing lestat's abuse for what it is =/= Cancel Him NOW like. i still enjoy him for what he is as long as he's Allowed to be what he is#which the finale. um. appeared to backpedal lol which is why it immediately sucked to me#realizing i am Because Of Woke-ing lestat but like people are afraid to call him abusive because they like him and they feel like#they can't continue to like him if they admit he was ever abusive. Because of Woke HFKSDJF
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#VENT#VENT TAGS AHEAD !!#so the job is...awful.#i applied for 20-25 hours#they asked if i could do 30#and now theyre pushing me into 40.#i didn't realize that when i agreed to 30 that was NOT binding (i should have known because it wasn't in my job offer. but i am 19 and--#ive never had a job offer letter before. even tho this is just retail)#and i can't adjust my availability for 90 days.#and since i put full availability expecting 25 hours max#now i have FULL 24/7 AVAILABILITY ON FILE for three months at least#and i have no idea what to do because this means i cant commit to any classes coming up for college#but ive been job hubting for months and barely got anything#and if i lose the job i have to move back in with my dad which is almost worse#whats wirse is my leader/boss is so mean. im not saying this lightly#i dont want to get into it but im barely a week in and he's made disrespectful and pushy comments towards me#has basically told me to stay late (which theoretically i cluld say no; but im still on my three months of 'we will fire you if we want to'#and like i said. need the job.#so he told me to stay late knowing i cant really say no#he's given me a frankly absurd amount of work (instock and i get carts filled woth 2-3x their max capacity unorganized and dangerously--#overloaded) and then he pushes me and snaps at me to get it done in an absurdly short timeframe while im still in TRAINING#im afab and present femme as i haven't transitioned irl and he is so ragingly sexist#he often just refers to me and the other girl being trained as 'girl' or 'that girl#and to top it all off#i took this job over a second interview at a place i really liked#because i thought the hours at this olace would be more consistent#nope! full time! surprise!!#and now im kicking myself so fucking hard over it. i feel like i fucked up so hard#and my friend i moved here with has been home for two months and will be this month so im just. alone. and i don't really have anyone to#turn to. im just so very stressed and tired and lonely
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I'm already starting to regret that I joined yet another Discord server.
#personal#i'm trying to learn about game modding and while there are several channels dedicated to different areas of modding#the resources are scattered are all over the place#and there's so much discussion in between those resources/posts that it takes a long time to find anything#i searched one keyword because i couldn't find a pinned post about it and there were 47 pages of results for that keyword alone#yeah i'm not gonna go through all that#i'm surprised anyone who joined there recently can learn anything#unless they have a lot of time and patience or something#it literally took me hours last night because i didn't know shit xD and trying to navigate that place is like#trying to find a needle in the haystack. plus some of the creators there are so rude to anyone who's just as confused about stuff as i am#and some of the 'newbie' tutorials they put up there are literally not that great for beginners#unless they already have good basic information about how to use blender or ue4 or other stuff#it's a fucking chaos honestly#this is why i don't really use discord anymore#i get disoriented and overwhelmed when there's too much stuff at once and it's not even well-organized or well-explained#putting up an archive for resources and tutorials would be great. or at least locking up certain servers so they wouldn't be#clogged up with discussion would be great too#but i guess it's just me then
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#going through an absolutely uh heart wrenching breakup right now and#i need someone older and wiser to tell me how this goes#we live together. she wants to be single. i want to keep her as my lover. i wanted to live with her like lovers for the rest of our lives.#we want to stay friends. we're best friends. weve dated for 6.5 years. im nauseous in denial i don't have people who know how to help me#dumb putting this bs on glitter blog but just in case anyone has survived something like this and can DM me hi#how do you live with someone youve had the best times of ur life with when they don't want you to be more than friends#i want to hold her forever. she doesn't want to be beholden to anyone in this point of life.#im deleting this post later just hoping someone might see and help bc i am absolutely lost and dont know how on earth to act#im in fuckin nyc and it hurts being alone somewhere so big. crying on the subway and shit.#we live together. we live together. the lease ends february 2025. what the fuck. its a studio apartment. its one room and one bed.#op barks
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I decided I will no longer be begging for people's very limited attention
#i am done being so desperate and bring the only one desperate#i know ive said this before and i always just crawl back because of just how lonely and broken i am#but im reallu done this time#like if im having a crisis i would rather either dealing with it alone or dying than to be abandoned mid convo a-fucking-gain#and don't get me wrong i do NOT blame anyone#no one deserves to have to put up with me#but just.... please stop lying to me#don't tell me youre not tired of me when you so clearly are#please#vent#this isn't targeted at anyone btw
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#dot post#Transformers is very much an “I don't go here” fandom for me but#not only does Rewind/Chromedome get me going (they're dweebs! the size difference! the star-crossed lovers element! the angst!)#but apparently as like. as an unexplored *thing* in the comics. they trapped a version of Rewind in his alt mode. which is a data fob#and apparently Chromedome keeps his partner plugged in to his body. they're in each others' heads.#the fucking intimacy of that. the horror of it. he's never alone. he's never *alone.*#Chromedome has to take care of him. he's tiny in that form. it would be easy for something to happen to him#they're still so intimate. they're so in love. his partner can just carry him around. his partner more or less *has to* carry him around#Most of what I know is from the wiki and tumblr so I might be super wrong about parts. but.#I can't seem to find anyone that talks about it and I don't know enough about the fandom to look any further than I have#but holy shit that concept is hot. whump and body horror and existential horror in one is exactly up my alley.#it is almost 1 AM and I think that carries enough implication about what state I'm in right now#ignore morg#this has more of an effect on how I think about other works than one might think#there's a character from G who I want to see get uploaded into a gundam and forced to either stay there or delete that copy of himself#if he wants to download himself into a new body#like if he wants to move under his own power again without a PILOT he either has to wrestle with having *another* other copy of himself#and possibly (definitely) losing the coin toss anyway#or killing (deleting) himself after the download#hold on to your livers#I have weird kinks you guys
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#i feel so fucking alone right now#is it just seasonal depression?#the feeling of being around people but knowing you don't belong#like you don't have a purpose#the sadness around the fact that you just don't matter#is it selfish to think that?#is it too self-centered to feel like you just shouldn't exist#i hate being me#i hate being in my body#i hate knowing i am like this and i hate the fact that i am writing these messages#it's the kind of loneliness that feels justified and nonsensical at the same time.#I don't deserve to feel lonely because i have great people in my life#how dare i call myself lonely.#I deserve to feel lonely because i am not a person worthy of anyone's time.#Fuck. Me.
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The duality of life is so crazy. I was back on campus today, I’ve been feeling pretty ancient all week because it’s been frosh week which means I have to deal with the fact that this year’s class graduates in 2028 (that’s not a real year) and were born in 2006 and 07, years that I can remember writing in the margins of a school notebook.
I'm walking around campus for the beginning-of-year campus clubs fair, and it's all, people love me, people think I'm cool, people are coming up to me saying they like my fit, in the meanwhile I'm internally getting jumpscared thinking wait; these incredibly well-dressed kids are approaching me whilst I'm shovelling fucking peanuts into my mouth out of a bag in my tote bag
There comes a point when you officially get Older and become invisible to cool young tiny things, and then you can do whatever you want because they sort of stop noticing you. I've been feeling a bit old this week, I'm at Big Person work, everyone around me is like half a decade younger, we're at quite different stages in our lives, I've been thinking. But I also have the sort of face that would pass me for a 19 y/o clearly, because these kids all have pulled me in like I'm some sort of counter culture bohemian trendsetting cool kid, and whatever the hell that means, it's definitely instantly made me feel a lot younger and connected with 'the youth'
#it's funny saying that because I am literally the exact age that you'd call youth#but if you're in a student-y area you're bound to feel old the minute you hit 22 because you're now older than 3/4 of undergraduates#fellas. I am not 22. I feel fucking historic sometimes. The kids look at me in awe because I saw Greta van Fleet live in 2019.#That was not even their first tour but these kids were 14 when that happened. I was old enough to go alone#(This is also why I have been feeling like I've got to move eventually. Student towns are great at perpetually being 21#You go to a real city and the young people are 30#Also my planned city is where all my favourite bands tour so it's a win-win#it's just I've been So Scared because I don't know anyone in said city and I work remotely out of elsewhere#Eventually I will take the plunge. Maybe next year! It'll be a bitch to rebuild but you know. Can't stay stagnant forever)#chitter chatter#I'm still a little thrown off when cool-looking people think I'm cool. My mum thinks I dress like a slob lol
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i feel like half of my posts are just hidden from other people's dashes bc like 80% of what i post is just not seen by anyone
#and i hate feeling like im begging for attention#i hate making posts like this#its just i get. really scared. like im either doing something wrong or i just suck or im not fun#i hate feeling alone and isolated it's. one of my worst fears#and i don't know what to do in these situations#i hate feeling like i have to constantly remind people i exist at all it scares the hell out of me#but also i feel horrible and stupid for just crying about nobody liking my stupid fucking posts#i don't use any other social media this is the only place i interact with people so this is kind of all i get#and i started posting more bc i thought maybe if i just do that I'll get something#but it feels like every note i get is solely for that one popular post i have and nothing else#i dont like. need comments or reblogs just like. idk. seeing the 0 notes makes me feel invisible like i never posted#i feel like exactly 5 people ever interact with me and even then it's only on a few posts#am i doing something wrong? did i break some unspoken rule i didn't know about again? i don't know#am i just annoying#i#i just#we've been so so blurry lately and we keep begging for people to talk to us so we don't forget our system completely#because we don't keep track of this stuff without external motivation so we need to talk about ourselves to someone#we lost our only system irl bc they turned out to be a predator and now we have nobody to talk about system stuff to#i just . want a friend to talk to#i just want to talk to anyone
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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the problem is that i have the temperament of a caged animal, but i also have no end goal lol haha isnt that funny. everyone start pointing and laughing already
#i used to be ambitious because i could see myself becoming someone.#im only 20 going on 21 but it feels like i died when i turned 17... i lost everything i used to run towards#and i don't know what to do with myself in the grand scheme of things which is why everything feels pointless in general#but also. if i don't force myself to get up and go through the motions#if i dont even try to push myself past my comfort zone in dose amounts#how will i ever figure out where to go.#it all feels meaningless on a day to day level because i have no goals or ambitions in terms of my entire existence but if i don't DO#anything Now how will i even figure out where to go? what to run towards again?#so i keep going. and it's so exhausting but i keep on fucking going#i hate the part of myself that's so desperate to be seen. why am i so desperate for recognition#it doesnt MEAN anything so many people get recognized and still feel alone and empty#a small tiny example of that: when i won second in a spanish literature competition this February#my prof and head of the department congratulated me and told me they thought i did really well...#my prof even told me she thought i should pursue literature#and i was immensely flattered but it felt fake.#it all felt like lies#i couldn't couldn't feel happy because i was so stuck feeling like an incoherent pile of experiences and emotions#rather than a Person#and because of that i couldn't believe anything nice or real that anyone that was telling me#i don't know what i need anymore. to disappear honestly. i don't think i was meant to be a person#z.post
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You know I thought for awhile that I was just a rare type of person who sure, liked people well enough but was okay being alone didn't necessarily need anyone and NO. NO. NO. OH MY GOD . YOU GIANT DUMBASS. NO HAHAHA NOOO NOPE
#tide of consciousness#See what was confusing me is usually when people talk about life partner they mean romantically sexually#And also I have yet to meet someone who gets me in the way I want someone to get me <- I think <- good chance I have and squandered it#<- that may be the evil brain talking though#But anyway so I was misconstruing the fact that the people I know and like currently are not people I want to spend my life with#With the idea that there is no one and no chance I will ever want that#And also heteronormative allo society despite my best efforts Is in my brain#And I'm only just realizing how badly I would really like to find a person or maybe people who do make me feel like. I could want that#The idea that there could be someone out there that I would want to spend my time and space with forever is mind blowing#Because honestly and this is of course the mental illness but I have kind of been under the assumption that maybe I am just like. Weeell#Evil and broken and cruel and selfish and HAHA. you know. The usual#Because you know only recently I got my first taste of 'a person is actively choosing you and wants you over all things'#And then I fucked that up because that was my first time believing anyone could care about me and you know you always fuck that one up#And that sucked and is still in the process of sucking but it has also made me realize#That there is actually a way that I would want that. Maybe#Like in a way that worked. I'd really like to have a person like that maybe#And honestly that's a nightmare to have to realize#Because before it was like hey! I guess I just don't have to worry about that!#And now I'm like FUCK. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS#because special secret I've never actively tried to connect to people in my life ever#I don't know how you do that! I don't know how to actively form relationships!#I just wait for someone to grab me and pull me along! It's terrifying to think about trying to discover that#AT 20!#I know it's not unusual especially in this day and age in fact it's kind of an epidemic#But you're supposed to learn how to socialize when you're a little tiny baby!!! I don't want to figure this out now I can't even get a job!#Fucking shit that's a lot of words um#Every 6 months I remember that I'm deeply deeply deeply lonely and it's the worst and then I wilfully ignore it until I rediscover it again#Every day I discover a new layer to how utterly wretchedly self loathing my brain is and its the worst#Peeling back a layer of paint and surprise! You've subconsciously thought you were fine being alone because secretly you believe#That it is impossible for you to be anything but alone! Yay!
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this week feels weird. usually I don't feel so lonely but I am going insane without my daily silly walk
#zzzzz I danced around today but jfc my energy is still low and fever still high#I am so boredddddddddddd every creative thing is in a lull atm#addicted to hype or cuddling. don't leave me alone with my thoughts uwhahahfhs#my face#LOOK IT ME#I love being a loser#actually sincere. I am such a dork and I have so much fun jumping around and squeaking and I feel bad for anyone who has to see it but#controlling a cool image is just so fucking uncool anyway
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Me writing a scathing, data-supported email to the president of the company I work for demanding that everyone in my office gets double the raise they were offered to keep up with the absurd CPI increases the last 2 years PLUS asking for a bonus:
#I don't give a single shit about anything anymore#being stepped on underpaid underappreciated and mistreated by the entire fucking world ends this motherfucking year#I am taking what is mine#a genuine thanks to everyone who has ever treated me like i was worthless and expendable :):):)#because i have reached my lifetime limit of that shit and will not tolerate it from anyone ever again#if i end up fired broke alone homeless so be it#but at least i chose that life and didn't compromise on my inherent worth for another goddamn second of it#personal
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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