#am i coping? maybe. deal with it

[shiningclown69]

Small Rant

I very rarely scroll through tiktok for Brandon content bc its a barren desert but

Boy, the top liked tiktok under the winx brandon search never fails to piss me off. The tiktok was a screen-record of the S4 scene where Mitzi kisses Brandon and Stella is shocked.

The entire comment section is bashing Brandon like....bro.

Its flooded with comments like "Stella should have broken up with him", "All the specialists are red flags" and "Stella deserves better"

First of all, how dare you.

Second of all, is it childish to be so pressed about hate comments about a fictional character? Maybe. Am I still defending him because I'm a Brandon stan? Yes.

You best bet I am exploding all you people in the comments with my mind.

[jenna-louise-jamie]

thinking about yassen gregorovich instead of sleeping (because i love him) and how he is a catalyst. yassen stabbs ash -> ash kills john rider -> ian rider raises alex -> yassen kills ian rider -> mi6 blackmails alex into becoming a teenage spy.

i have so many thoughts that i can't properly articulate. obviously this is a simplified chain of events, but yassen and his choices set off a chain reaction of the world's most unfortunate dominos. especially when you read russian roulette. to be clear im not necessarily trying to blame him for everything because that feels very mean. he was also just a 14 year old kid when everything in his life went wrong, just like alex. only difference being yassen literally had no one.

i think i should write an essay about this because i haven't even gotten into my thoughts about what yassen and alex's dynamic would look like past eagle strike. i would imagine it'd be similar to ellie and joel from the last of us part 2.

where obviously yassen loves alex and alex on some level cares for yassen back but struggles to reconcile that with the fact that yassen is responsible for his uncle's death. a very unforgivable act. it would be so messy and complicated and angsty, because on one hand here is an adult who truly cares about him and has a connection with him through his father. yassen could tell alex about john, and trust that yassen truly wants whats best for him. but he killed ian, and he cannot take that back.

while alex reels from those feelings, yassen is also trying to reconcile his love of alex with the knowledge that he on some level is responsible for the suffering alex endured at the hands of mi6. and possibly even the fact that alex's godfather is the one who killed john and helen.

[fearmeeeee]

the need to only post finished art im 100% proud off and fits the aesthetic of my account vs the fact I have no time or energy to finish anything and I scribble 793834293748349734 ideas that just never see the light of day and I'd like to share actually

[smallblueandloud]

i keep feeling like. there's something parallel between rose and yaz's endings. maybe parallel isn't the right word -- but i keep wanting to draw comparisons, i think because they're two characters who really defined specific doctors and for whom it's basically confirmed the doctor returned their (romantic) feelings

(they're not the ONLY ones who fit this description, but i'm in no way qualified to talk about clara or even river, so bear with me)

it just feels. i don't know. rose never leaves on purpose. she is separated from the doctor, forcibly, every single time. the doctor sends her home, or she gets stuck in an alternate universe, or the doctor leaves her in the same alternate universe. every single time, she fights to get back to the doctor. the writers had to create a perfect happy ending for her (half-human version of her doctor who'll age along with her, in the alternate universe where her father is alive) because otherwise she wouldn't stop fighting to get back to the doctor, and the show can't have that. the show needs to move on. we need rose to fade into the past.

i haven't seen all of yaz's episodes, but her arc seems very similar from the limited amount i've seen. she keeps fighting to get back to the doctor. she's in love with the doctor, and the doctor basically confirms returning her feelings, albeit in a very stilted, hesitant, doctor-y way (compare "imagine that happening to someone you--" with "and if i was going to, believe me, it would be with you").

but when yasmin's doctor regenerates... yaz is just expected to. step away, go back to living her life, never see the doctor again. kinda like the abandonment that most companions have ever experienced -- getting dropped off once and then goodbye forever! -- except with more of the onus on her. the show has to move on from rose's era, so she gets dumped on a beach. the show has to move on from yasmin's era, so yaz has to accept that the doctor is going off to die alone. she has to make her peace with that information.

i don't know. i think yaz's ending is trying to go hand-in-hand with graham and ryan's purposeful exit -- it seems like the chibnall era tried really hard to have Not Terrible endings for companions. which is very admirable! but honestly? yasmin's ending feels crueler than most, including rose's. yaz was in love with the doctor. the doctor reciprocated those feelings. they should've gotten their equivalent of s2-era 10rose! she should've gotten a chance to stay with the doctor through their regeneration, the way other love interests have been able to (s/o to river and clara!).

i know this is because of the limitations of the show. bad ratings meant chibnall left after only one regeneration, and new incarnations of the show rarely bring in characters from other eras.

but i'm still very sad for yaz :( like yes, she wasn't just dumped on the curb without warning. but she was still expected to say goodbye to someone she loved, knowing that person was dying, and not say a word of protest. if the previous history of the show is any indication, she's never going to see the doctor again. she doesn't get a half-human version of the doctor to live out her days with, and she's not "allowed" to fight to get back to the doctor, either, due to the way the show's structured (but also the way the doctor talked about them saying goodbye). she has to live the rest of her life knowing that the doctor is out there, perfectly capable of visiting, and the only reason they won't visit is because yaz is from a specific time of their life that they've moved on from.

i know she has the companion support group. and i know she'll move on! she's yaz. she's strong and self-actualized. she'll be okay, eventually. but she has to be okay, you know? she has to learn to live without the doctor. rose never had to do that.

it just makes me sad :(

[maxellminidisc]

And you know what, I'll say it, isnt it funny how only white (mostly men) characters ever get HUGE universally agreed upon designations as neurodivergent and tons of love but like characters of color are hardly ever given that sort of embracing from the neurodivergent community in fan spaces. Characters of color who share autistic traits with me or other neurodivergent poc I know get reduced to being mean and especially big meanie joy killers to white characters they love. Like isnt that some bullshit?

And like idk I dont think we'd even have to have this conversation if people would just get the point of Dungeon Meshi is community and the complexity of interpersonal relationships, not fucking shipping and team choosing lol Relationships are composed of people and people are beautiful, complicated, and flawed and they can sometimes lead to us hurting one another but ALL these things make those relationships worth while when we use them to grow. In the end we all need each other and we need to learn from each other to make any of this silly lil life better for each other.

[syunkiss]

I might probably start smoking or drinking sooner or later. Or maybe both

[snoozygoose]

putting the lil <333's bc idk how to express the fact that im not used to being cared for and idk how to accept comfort without apologizing to them 9000 times for inconveniencing them and my brain will just bluescreen when/if ppl actually express that they care

[fiestylittlebeetle]

this is how i've been feeling about my hyperfixation lately

[sparrownnax]

anyways sometimes i wonder if i'm meant to be connected with people. don't get me wrong i appreciate my friends, but like my quality of life wouldn't go down too much if i hadn't met them. i like digging information out of people. they lose a lot of appeal once i know too much about them. i don't really have any kind of interest in pursuing any kind of relationship with people, romantic or platonic. i could take people or leave them. dunno

[fatcowboys]

frustrating how fucking. disabling. being disabled is rn. im tired

[yanderespamton78]

hhngngggg why must i be doomed to forever be the Weird Kid who constantly needs things to be changed around so i dont have a meltdown and is terrified of most people and cant work in any loud or busy environments and has to be with someone i know all day or i will have a panic attack and hnnhnnghnghngggg

[jorvikzelda]

legitimately nothing will make you realise your therapist isnt helping you very much quite like having 2 terrible terrible days in a row (in a very predictable way) and being completely fucking stumped as to how to deal with yourself

[widevibratobitch]

uh ohhhhhh getting all in my head again aha

[angelstrawbabie420]

ive been having to skip my meds every other day bc no insurance no money perhaps that is the problem. it’s either this and taper off or use them regularly then quit cold turkey which i’ve had to do accidentally once and nearly landed in the hospital

[0bsc3ne]

bitching abt my partner again so i can get it out of my system and not let it fester

had a Discussion yesterday and i said how i didn't like that i, someone who naturally wakes up early and has to go to bed around 11-midnight to get decent sleep, have been spending the last few months either sleep deprived or forced to use sleeping pills to sleep, when he sleeps in til fucking noon, even on the two days we both have off and can, yk, spend time doing things in the morning together, and then he complains that we never do anything outside (bc we live in florida. anything after noon is just a fucking sauna.)

anyways. i ask if he can start waking up earlier. he says he'll wake up at 10 today. i go, ok, thank you, but what does that prove? that you can do it once? i've been changing my schedule for months. i want to hear that you'll try to do it consistently. (And 10 isn't early anyways, but i didn't say that). he insists he's going to do it. makes sure i see him set an alarm in front of me and everything. so anyways. 10:01 i get a text that he's going to sleep a little more.

man.

[laughingmistress]

Using Tumblr Off Main for talking in the void because sometimes a girl just got Struggles(tm) Maybe it's the ADHD, or the weird uncertainties that are often part of creative careers, or even just the past few years of unmitigated scrambling, stressing, pivoting, and general trying to not die, but for some reason over the past couple of months my ability to, just, like, function? Has come clean off the rails. And just between me and The Void, I'm not quite sure how to turn that around? I'm just getting very little work done, falling down on things like, you know, feeding myself properly and keeping on top of my responsibilities, spending my time doing useless things that aren't satisfying, fun, or restful, and generally feeling super anxious about all of that. I kinda want a way to, like. power of my brain, and then turn it back on with fewer apps running or something, but god knows how one does THAT