#am i as bad at it as i feel like i am? and any praise i give to myself is just a lie? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

xylatox · 2 days ago

Text

Chapter 2!! The Stem, let's take a moment to appreciate that the chapters progress up the flower, that's such a creative name scheme.

And reader starts overthink if Jun is pitying her, I'm going to sob :((( my poor baby.—you wondered for how long he was going to ignore the elephant in the room, when the elephant—the mark on your upper chest—was right in front of his eyes. “a bit, to be honest,” you replied, too afraid to ask about his thoughts on the mark yourself.— my poor poor baby, reader is so precious I'm going to cry.

I love this soulmate concept that certain flower marks are rarer and a bit different, it's so unique to this kind of au.

because the realization that the girl he loved had lied about being his soulmate hit harder than any betrayal he could have imagined. she hadn’t just broken his trust, she’d made a mockery of something sacred.— this breaks my heart, no one deserves that kind of treatment

yeonjun looked at you almost weirdly. you were definitely one of a kind—who would even care about ‘extra ears’ around? the way you cared for his comfort was making him almost giddy. “it’s fine, don’t worry. our café?” he asked, and you nodded, both of you thinking of the word ‘our’ and how natural it sounded. — reader is so sweet thinking about Jun and the possibility of others hearing his story. I am glad that the relationship progresses in the way that it does and they bond over the difficulty of having that particular soulmate bond.

I'm so invested in the wild rose bond, like the entire concept is so cool???

he quickly put everything back in the box and moved a bit closer to you, making space to lie down as he held his hand out to you. “come here,” yeonjun whispered softly, and you put your hand in his without thinking, not hesitating for a second. he tugged you closer, his other hand resting on your back, guiding you down until you were lying on his chest. “yes, just like that,” he praised you gently, one of his hands finding its place on the back of your head, playing with your hair to relax you.— God they're so intimate with each other, I'm in love.

yeonjun pressed his lips to the lonely stem—oh, how he wanted to paint it with his bites and marks, to turn it into a mark of you belonging to him, not to some random who hurt you so much and made you feel like you had lost your soulmate, as if you were completely alone in that cruel world. but he couldn’t; not right now at least. maybe one day you would be kind enough to bless him by letting him do it, by allowing him to make the rose stem on your chest bloom with beautiful red flowers made by his lips and teeth.— this is so attractive holy shit, I think I'll throw up

so yeonjun wasn’t surprised to hear it—he perfectly knew the way it felt, and it was probably even worse for you with how gentle and soft you were. he tightened his arm around you subconsciously, wanting to protect you. “i’ll do my best not to hurt you,” he whispered into your hair, “to protect you from any pain too. do you want to try?”—god Jun is so sweet and understanding:(((

I absolutely loved part 2, this entire concept of the wild rose is keeping me on the edge of my seat, I love how reader and Jun navigate this complicated bond and I just love how we see the progression of their relationship.

₊ ˚ ⊹ ♡ . ⠀wild roses | chapter 2 ; the stem

⠀⠀⠀neighbour!yeonjun x fem!reader

← to chapter 1 | ♡ you're here ♡ | to chapter 3 →

genre ; soulmate au, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, humour, smut wordcount ; 16.5k

warnings | tags ; unhealthy relationship with pain [mentions of self-inflicted pain]; yeonjun does some kinda questionable stuff; self-hate and self-pity.

smut warnings ; dom + soft sadist yeonjun x sub + soft masochist reader. mentions of wet dreams; making out but not really.

⠀⠀⠀[ event masterlist | my masterlist | wild roses masterlist ]

when you woke up a few hours later, you felt much better—your head was significantly clearer and your body didn't feel so weak. you weren't sure if you had dreamed about yeonjun in your fever or not, because he had felt pretty much real, and you had allowed him to check on you. but now, he was nowhere to be seen or heard—your apartment completely quiet. of course, he could have left, but when you noticed the skimpy top you were wearing, half of the mark out in the open, you prayed you had only imagined him and undressed on your own.

but no—yeonjun was peacefully sleeping on the couch in the living room, and the uncomfortable feeling in your gut intensified. it meant he had seen you—that. was he going to start pitying you now? was that the reason why he hadn’t left, choosing to stay here, sleeping on a couch a bit too short for his height instead of returning to his own apartment? was he—your head started spinning, vision blurring at the edges, as you tried to lean against the bookshelf to keep yourself from falling, slowly sliding on the floor and accidentally knocking a few books down.

the soft thud stirred yeonjun awake and he rushed to you the moment he saw you sitting on the floor with your head in your hands. “hey, why did you get up?” he asked softly and crouched down, pressing the back of his hand to your forehead—it wasn’t too hot, so your body had probably just reacted badly to moving while still weak. “let’s go, i’ll carry you back to bed.”

you shook your head, “can you please just help me walk?” you asked, and he nodded, letting you lean on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around your waist, helping you up slowly.

yeonjun wanted to fight you on it at first—almost out of habit—insisting he could easily carry you, but quickly realized he was still too weak, and it would be just dangerous for you, so he bit back his pride. surprisingly, it wasn't that hard—maybe because your well-being depended on it. or maybe because he was comfortable around you and didn't feel the need to show off.

once you were back in bed, safe and sound, resting against the headboard with your legs wrapped in the blanket, yeonjun crouched down beside you. “are you hungry?” he asked, looking up at you with a warm smile.

you wondered for how long he was going to ignore the elephant in the room, when the elephant—the mark on your upper chest—was right in front of his eyes. “a bit, to be honest,” you replied, too afraid to ask about his thoughts on the mark yourself.

yeonjun nodded and left for the kitchen, returning not so long after with a tray of soup and rice. “here, it's fresh, i cooked it just a few hours ago,” he said, putting the tray on the bed next to you. “i hope it's to your liking.”

you replied with a quiet ‘thank you’, grabbing the spoon and carefully—just in case it turned out to be too hot—tasting the soup. it was tasty, and under any other circumstances, you'd immediately tell yeonjun that it was awesome, but right now that would sound out of place and too awkward, so you kept quiet.

he watched you from the corner of his eye, noticing how you didn’t look at him even once after he gave you the tray. he wondered if he had ruined everything. only now did yeonjun realize that he hadn’t even tried to wake you up first—he had been so scared because of how hot you were that he didn’t even think about it. he had wanted so badly to protect you, yet he had ended up being the one you needed to be protected from.

yeonjun stood up, immediately catching your attention . “i should go…” saying that broke his heart almost as much as the expression you got on your face—the one he always jokingly called ‘a left behind puppy’ look. why were you looking at him that way, though? had he misunderstood?.. “i… i’m sorry for undressing you. i never meant to make you feel that way, and i know it doesn’t excuse—”

“it’s not about undressing,” you mumbled, stirring what was left of the soup and still refusing to look at him properly. you noticed the way he frowned, though—probably confused. “at all,” you added even quieter. the air between you two had never been that tense, and you absolutely hated it. you had to get rid of it, despite being afraid of hearing the answer. “do you…” you cleared your throat that suddenly got dry. “do you know what this is?”

yeonjun needed no clarification—the topic hovered over you both like a dark thundercloud. he swallowed thickly. “i do,” he admitted, watching the way you fidgeted with the spoon. you were so tense, almost scared, but no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t say what a mark like that meant to him. he knew he was too much of a coward. “it's a soulmate mark,” he had to force the next words out of himself. “of a wild rose.”

hearing it out loud felt completely different, the uncomfortable feeling in your gut growing stronger, and you could barely find the courage to continue. “people usually… pity the likes of me,” you said quietly, trying not to look at yeonjun directly. “or they…” you didn’t finish, but he knew what you were going to say. ‘avoid’. they either pitied or avoided. “nevermind,” you whispered, before continuing just a bit louder. “are you pitying me?”

yeonjun couldn’t answer immediately—he simply didn’t know how. was he pitying you? no. but had it changed the way he saw you? yes. how could he explain it, though, when he was so afraid to open up? “i… i’m not pitying you, but i feel more protective over you now,” he admitted, running fingers through hair. “i know firsthand how shitty the bond can be,” the words left his mouth before he could stop them.

you leaned in slightly, eyes wide in surprise as you looked at yeonjun directly now. “you know a wild rose?” you weren’t sure you had heard right—wild roses were rare. of course, it wasn't rocket science to find one in that century with social media connecting the entire world, but you’d never tried. so finding someone, even through two handshakes, was shocking. maybe he knew something about the bond because of that?

yeonjun only swallowed thickly and nodded. “i do. in some way,” he said slowly, studying your expression. you looked away for a second—he assumed you were thinking of the words ‘in some way’, unsure how close he was to that person. people. he knew many, actually—over a dozen for sure—but that wasn’t what he meant, and he knew he had to tell you. “it’s me,” he finally said—his voice quiet, yet the words somehow loud.

you froze—he was… you couldn’t get your head around it. your neighbour, one of your closest friends—the closest, probably. yeonjun was a wild rose. suddenly, the bud in his wallet, lack of soulmate, and his overall closed-off nature when it came to the topic all made sense. suddenly, the way you clicked so fast made more sense too—you were similar.

yeonjun was sure you were shocked, but he couldn't understand what was going through your head. were you thinking he had lied? “i can show you the mark if you don't believe me,” he offered hesitantly. he didn't want to—truly didn't. in the moment, it felt like he'd rather be seen completely naked than show the mark to anyone, even you. but if it meant you wouldn’t leave his life because you thought he was lying about something like that, he was ready to do it—it was the least he could do.

“no,” you said almost firmly. “i believe you, you don't have to show me anything to prove it,” you watched his shoulders relax as if a few tons of weight had been just taken off them. “i know how intimate the mark is,” you continued, setting the bowls on the bedside table and placing the tray somewhere on the bed. you shifted your position, sitting on your knees, almost touching yeonjun's thigh with them. “but i want to ask you for something.”

yeonjun froze, not knowing what to expect. of course, he didn't think you'd make him do something you knew he'd hate, but his trust issues, that were caused by another wild rose… no, no. he'd never allow himself to see her in you. you were so different, he could be sure you wouldn't do anything to hurt him. “go on,” he almost choked out despite his bravado.

“please, don't shut down,” your voice was almost pleading. he seemed so wrong already, completely tense, like he wasn't sure about every breath he took, like he was already shutting you out. you were afraid he'd never open up if he closed off now. and that would only mean the end. “i promise i won't pry or push, i’ll give you all the space you need—”

“i promise i won't,” yeonjun finally looked at you properly—you were so close, he hadn’t noticed when you moved closer, but he felt warm inside from your words despite his increasing weakness. he knew you'd keep your promise, and he wanted to do the same for you. “thank you. really,” he tried to smile but it came out tired, and he closed his eyes for a second as if trying to rest at least a little.

you noticed his state and, if you were honest, you weren't feeling too great either—new discoveries had exhausted you more than anything, and it lashed terribly with your cold. “you should lie down. we should,” you whispered, already feeling your body giving in, craving sleep.

yeonjun nodded, running fingers through his hair once again, weakness seeping almost into his bones. he had woken up too early, slept too little, and your couch wasn't exactly the best place to sleep so his body was sore, and he was mentally drained too. “okay,” he said quietly, standing up, palms rubbing his face. “you really should sleep more… i’ll be in the living room. call for me if you need anything, okay?”

you didn't let him leave, though, your fingers clenching the sleeve of his hoodie as you looked up at him. “you can sleep here,” you whispered, leaving yeonjun surprised. “if you are okay with it,” you added quickly, mentally slapping yourself—you had just said you wouldn't be pushy, and yet here you were. “i'm… fine with it. the bed is big enough. but if you don't want to—”

actually, it was too inviting. your bed was so soft, your laundry smelled so nice too—yeonjun made a mental note to ask you about the conditioner—and most importantly, it was bigger than your couch. and while his bed was even bigger, he didn't want to leave you alone. and he was too tired to fight you. “thank you,” he mumbled, getting onto the bed and moving the tray you had left there out of the way.

you lied down, curling into a ball facing him. you weren't sure if it'd be better to face away, but you decided that you were so sleepy, that it wouldn't matter in a few minutes. it was probably the same for him, judging by the way he lay on his back and closed his eyes immediately, his body visibly relaxing. so you just tightened your hold around the big fox plushie, pressing it closer to your chest, and closed your eyes. you hoped being wild roses wouldn't draw a line between you two that you'd never be able to cross.

when you woke up later, the first thing you saw was the side of yeonjun's face, still sleeping peacefully, one of his hand resting behind his head, and he also had taken off his hoodie at some point, leaving him in just a black tank top. you moved a bit closer to each other in sleep—not too close, of course, but close enough that his other hand rested on your knee over the thin blanket. the feeling was strange—not just the warmth of his hand, heavy in a comforting way even through the fabric, but everything about you two felt strange, because somehow, it was too comfortable. as if this was how everything was supposed to be. and that thought alone made you feel uneasy.

you tried to get up as quietly and unnoticeably as possible, wanting to get some water, but yeonjun stirred awake anyway.

“lay back down,” he said, firm but somehow still gentle, his voice a bit hoarse. you looked over your shoulder cautiously, but he hadn’t moved even an inch, eyes still closed. yeonjun waited for a few seconds, and when he didn’t feel any movement from your side, he opened his eyes and looked at you without changing position, only slightly turning his head.

he didn’t even say anything—his gaze was more than enough, as you laid back down with a small pout. “wanted to get some water,” you mumbled, pulling the blanket back over yourself the way it was before you sat up. “was i supposed to wake you up for that?” you asked, a hint of sarcasm in your voice, though not a biting one.

yeonjun ignored it. “yes,” he said firmly and sat up, ruffling his hair. he felt much sleepier than sounded, but his body wasn't as weak anymore—he probably just needed a few more hours of sleep, and a bit of certainty that everything was going to be fine. he was thankful that you let him sleep in your bed and that you didn’t act like for whatever reason you both being wild roses meant the end of the world, because he still couldn’t understand the way he felt about it. “i told you i’ll take care of you,” he stated, standing up and heading for the kitchen.

and yeonjun didn’t lie—he took great care of you, so you were back to life in a few days. he barely let you get up unless you needed to go to the bathroom or wanted to stretch your legs, cooked for you or ordered something tasty when you had to eat but didn’t want anything, checked your temperature every few hours even at night, and basically did anything you wanted or needed—even if it meant treat you like a bratty child, when you wanted something you didn’t actually need in your state. but you obeyed him so cutely, with a pout or death stare sent his way as if you were saying ‘i’ll do it but i’ll make sure you know i don’t want to’.

but no matter how much yeonjun enjoyed spending time with you, how comfortable he felt sleeping in your bed and how much he loved your bratty obedience, he could barely feel any of it, pushing all of his thoughts and feelings away until he was back in the safety of his home, where he could just sit and do his best to organize everything that was happening in his head. he barely noticed how he shut down from you, almost forgetting to say goodbye when he was leaving your apartment once you were back to health.

you gave all the space yeonjun needed, just like you promised, but by the end of the first week you started assuming he hadn’t kept his promise, because while before it took him mere minutes to reply to your messages unless he was working, now it took at least hours. and the text you sent on saturday morning was left unread, still sitting there even on sunday. so you gave up completely, no matter how painful it felt even to think about it.

you had to force yourself not to text yeonjun out of habit for the whole monday, unlocking and immediately locking your phone back every ten minutes—you’d never noticed how much you messaged each other before, and now you felt lonely without it. but if he thought that’s what was the best for him, you had no right to hold him back.

soobin noticed something was wrong, and he wanted so badly to keep you company so you wouldn’t be left alone, but he had plans that had been set for weeks already. he told you he could reschedule them anytime, but you swore you were fine and that it wasn’t a big deal. still, soobin texted yeonjun, saying he wouldn’t be able to keep you company on your way home tonight, and yeonjun replied with a simple ‘np, i’ll do that’ a few hours later, less than twenty minutes before your workday was over.

yeonjun didn't even notice how badly he had neglected you over the weekend—two days and a monday flew by in a blur of sleep and endless overthinking any second he wasn't sleeping. he hadn’t even looked at the clock, his phone lying somewhere uncharged since friday evening until he finally plugged it in on monday afternoon and immediately got soobin’s message. but the moment he saw notification, he rushed to check his chat with you—one unread ‘good morning, mint choco ice cream prince’ from saturday morning—and realized he bad he had fucked up. but at least he had an opportunity to try to make it up to you. throwing on the first clothes he could find, he almost ran out of the house—it was a twenty-minute walk to your work.

these past few days hadn’t been easy for yeonjun, and he still wasn’t sure he was anywhere close to understanding what exactly he felt. in fact, it felt like he was unbelievably far from it, but when he realized it might be too late at all, none of it mattered anymore. he didn’t care about his trust issues, his past lying lover, or finding out why opening up was so terrifying—he had to do everything right and deal with the rest later.

yeonjun’s fear wasn’t irrational, but you had nothing to do with it, nothing to do with the scars he had carried for years. so many years ago, in his highschool years, while he was studying half the world away from home, he had met his soulmate—it was a dream come true. he was still young, and he couldn’t believe his luck. she was a wild rose too, and her confession felt like destiny.

for nearly a year, he had lived in blissful ignorance, believing the universe had gifted him a perfect bond. it was impossible to check it properly—they were too close to feel each other’s pain intensely, but she had always known when he fell in the p.e. class or burned himself on something while sitting in a café with his friends, and to him, that was proof enough. he thought it was impossible to love someone more, and would have done anything for her, loving her fiercely and giving himself completely, as though nothing in the world could shatter their connection.

but then it had shattered. she had been particularly insatiable that evening, leaving red lines all over his back with her nails—she had always enjoyed doing it. while it went against everything he had heard about the bond—he was the one leaning toward causing pain—he brushed it off, because too many things about that bond were myths, and this was probably another one. but that time she had gone further than usual, and it hurt—still nothing he couldn’t endure, though.

but just a bit later, when she was sound asleep on yeonjun’s chest, his hand was gently playing with her hair, he thought that he was probably the happiest person in the world. but then he felt it—the distinct, burning heartbreak of his soulmate—his true soulmate. it wasn’t his. of course it wasn't, he had felt like he was blessed, but that pain didn’t belong to the one sleeping on his chest either. it was like an arrow piercing through him, the kind of pain that was impossible to fake, and suddenly, he wasn’t so sure it wasn’t his, because the realization that the girl he loved had lied about being his soulmate hit harder than any betrayal he could have imagined. she hadn’t just broken his trust, she’d made a mockery of something sacred.

the break up was ugly, and yeonjun wished he could erase it from his memory. at first, she tried to gaslight him, but then she played on all of his painful buttons—the ones she had discovered over the course of a year—like a silly melody on a piano. the last words he heard from her were about how he would never find his soulmate, and even if he did, they’d never want to deal with someone as pathetic as him, and how he’d wish he’d never pushed her away. he lost one of his best friends back then too—it turned out he had been the source of all her knowledge about all yeonjun’s injuries, and that was the reason he had stuck to yeonjun’s side so constantly.

yeonjun finished highschool there—the bond with his real soulmate shut itself down in those months, but he barely noticed it—and returned home, despite having once dreamed of continuing his education abroad. being there felt unbearable, and he had an almost maddening need to breathe the air of his homeland. it helped, but only a little—he had to busy himself with something, and so it became endless dancing until he could barely get up from the floor of the practice room, studying from dusk to dawn, depriving himself of sleep some nights, and trying to find any information on the wild rose bond to define what was true and what was merely myth.

but despite searching for every wild rose yeonjun could find online, talking to them and even meeting a few of them—especially the ones who had found their soulmate—he never got closer to any of them than his research required. he had vowed to never open up to wild roses who hadn’t yet met their soulmates—he couldn’t risk that pain again. it made sense—he didn’t want anyone to exploit the bond for their own benefit, especially someone desperate enough to lie about it, like she had. it was hard to confirm being soulmates back then, but now it was almost impossible with the way he hadn’t felt his soulmate for years.

there were other reasons too—the ones yeonjun didn’t want to admit even to himself, but had to while thinking about why the fact that you were a wild rose scared him so much. he feared his own judgment—if he had been completely blind once, what was stopping it from happening again? what if his feelings clouded his ability to see the truth? again. he feared the weight of the bond that connected all wild roses, soulmates or not, because two lonely wild roses, especially at his age, would inevitably step into a world of sharing vulnerabilities, emotions, and feelings, and it had started with you already. it’d mean opening himself up for your pain, and you doing the same for him, and he wasn’t sure he could go through more pain—both giving and taking—after the same thing happening before his connection with his soulmate had gotten shut.

but most of all, yeonjun feared repeating what was probably the greatest mistake of his life—giving his heart to the wrong person, only to realize the truth when it was too late, when they had already dug their fingers into it hard enough to hurt him. knowing that you were a wild rose, made all of these fears he had never really worked through crashing back in full force. it wasn’t that he didn’t trust you—it was that he couldn’t trust himself.

all of that could be dealt with later, though. yeonjun knew you weren't a problem, he was one—he always was one, just like when he had almost ruined everything in the beginning. he would accept it if you decided to end your friendship, but he at least had to try to do everything right, and he definitely owed you an explanation.

you were so lost in thoughts on your way home, that you barely saw anything or anyone around you. was yeonjun at least okay? he had spent half a week with you when you had a cold, maybe he had caught it from you and was now lying feverish in his bed, while you were too preoccupied with self-pity to even check on him? the thought was making you walk faster—you had to check on him, goddammit. there were basically two steps between your doors, and yet you didn't try to at least ring the doorbell, afraid he wouldn’t want to see you.

your shoulder collided with someone else's, and you threw out a quick but sincere apology, not having the time to stop and check on them. the person was tall, and their shoulder barely moved at the impact, so you assumed they'd be fine. your steps became even quicker, but then a voice from behind made you stop in your tracks.

“i don't take you to work just one day, and you're already—a: not wearing a scarf after having a cold not so long ago, and b: completely careless on the streets?” yeonjun teased you, smile—he just couldn't keep it inside—perfectly audible in his voice. he missed you so much—just seeing you already made him a bit happier.

you turned around and had to basically force yourself not to run to him after just one glance at him. but yeonjun still spread his arms a bit, trying not to make it look like he was forcing you into it, нуе still showing that he wasn’t just ‘not against it', but that he wanted it too. of course, you ran into his hold—how could you not? maybe it looked questionable, maybe friends didn't do that—though you were sure they did—but he was healthy, well and smiling right in front of you. and you missed him.

yeonjun was warm in your arms, and his hold was firm but gentle, as he palmed the back of your head, his thumb caressing your hair. “i'm so sorry, mouse,” he murmured, tightening his hold on you and involuntarily making you do the same. “i was an asshole. the biggest one,” and i feel blessed because you're not pushing me away, he continued in his head.

“it's fine,” you mumbled into his shoulder, fingers clenching his hoodie under the coat. you both knew it actually wasn't, you had both done things that made no sense, but it didn't matter now, because it was something that could be worked with now. “if you were one, it only means i have no self-respect right now, hugging an asshole.”

yeonjun laughed warmly at your words, letting you go. he untied the scarf from his neck, hooking it over yours and carefully tightening it despite your protests. “is it comfortable?” he asked, but instead of an answer, you tried to give it back to him, and he took your hands in his to stop you, his palms warm and comfortable against the back of your hands. “behave. i asked you if it was comfortable.”

you pouted—you missed his ordering around, but you were worried about him too. you knew he wouldn't let you take the scarf off, though, so you pulled your hands away from his hold, reached out stubbornly, and wrapped the hood of his hoodie around his bare neck carefully, trying to not touch his skin with your cold fingers. “now more comfortable,” you stated, looking at him with a stubborn expression and realizing he'd been watching you with a soft smile all the time while you were doing it.

“okay,” yeonjun said, his smile widening. he enjoyed watching you find ways to do your thing while, well, still behaving. and of course your care made him feel warm inside—not that no one cared about him; of course, his friends did and would do it, but you noticed the smallest things about him and his comfort. “home or café?” he asked as you two started walking towards your apartments, shoulders occasionally brushing against each other. “i owe you an explanation, i think.”

“hm?” you looked at him in question. well, if he wanted to… not that you felt like it was necessary. “i’d prefer the café, but if you really want to explain it and having extra ears around might make you uncomfortable, i’d definitely prefer home,” you admitted, and added after a few seconds. “but maybe takeout then?”

the café was rather crowded, but most people were choosing takeout, so at least you wouldn’t have to stay in the queue for a table. was yeonjun still sure it was fine, though?.. had he expected so many people? maybe—little nudge to your shoulder pulled you out of your thoughts, and yeonjun pointed at the empty table in the corner. you got a hint immediately, already turning away when he wrapped his fingers around your wrist and tugged your hand to get your attention.

“sweet or hearty?” yeonjun asked, not letting your wrist go, as if you’d run away without answering his question the moment he did.

you thought for a second, considering what you wanted more. “hearty,” you said finally, and he let your wrist go with a warm smile and little ‘okay’. “but i’m paying next time,” you said before turning around to go to the table, to which yeonjun only shook his head—you were adorable in your determination.

when you finally sat down, the atmosphere became tense again—yet another heavy topic hovering over the two of you. you realized that you hated that feeling of discomfort around yeonjun and decided that you’d do your best to avoid it in the future by trying to talk everything out as early as possible. you simply hoped he felt the same and would be open to communication too.

yeonjun didn’t go into details—they weren’t needed, and he told you that it wasn’t an easy topic and he still needed time—but what he said was enough for you. he said that he was in almost a year-long relationship with another wild rose who claimed she was his soulmate, but he found out she was lying when he felt the deep pain of his real soulmate, and it couldn’t be her. he said he was afraid of opening up again, especially when it came to wild roses—not only because he was afraid of being lied to again, but because any close relationship with a wild rose would end up in opening up. it wasn’t everything, yeonjun knew it perfectly, but he prayed it’d be enough as a first step.

you asked him if he would avoid you if he knew from the very beginning, and after gathering all the bravery he could find, ру admitted that he most probably would. but he was quick to add that he didn’t regret befriending you and would lose so much if he let his prejudices cloud his judgement—thanks to you, he realized that his past behaviour was stupid and maybe even harmful to people around him. but he knew you focused on the first part of his answer to your question, despite many words after, and was anxious to hear what you had to say.

but you only surprised him with a small smile and said that you were fond of how real and true to himself he was, not trying to tell you that you were “different” and that he’d “never let his trust issues come between you two, even in the very beginning”. you weren’t asking it to test him or anything; the question left your mouth before you could think it through, but his answer was exactly what you wanted to hear, even if you didn’t know it—especially the many words he added after it.

yeonjun had known for a long enough time that you were surprising, but now he realized he couldn’t wait to find out more. but he also wanted to be just as caring and accepting for you, which it meant he had to continue opening up. it was a good thing that you didn’t look or sound judgemental when he talked about his past—you only nodded and said it was understandable, because soulmate bonds were sacred and it was especially so for wild roses; getting betrayed like that would affect anyone.

the conversation didn’t fix everything on the spot, of course. you both knew that no matter how much you tried to ignore it, being wild roses would affect the way you communicated, especially when there were many things about it that you shared. when you confessed to yeonjun that you had no idea how to act around him now to not hurt him more, he promised—adding that he knew his promises seemed to mean nothing, but he still wanted you to believe him—that he would take the lead in your friendship if you weren’t against giving him control. you let out a breath and said you’d be happy if he did. surprising him again, of course.

yeonjun kept both the new promise and the previous one of not shutting you out—you slowly but surely started getting closer again, but sometimes on a more sentimental level than before, almost fully led by him. it wasn’t hard for you, because he often knew what you wanted or needed, and even when he didn’t, you had no problem with telling him straight, and he adjusted whatever needed to be adjusted so it was comfortable for both of you.

you wished, though, the gap would get smaller just a bit faster, because sometimes you still walked on tiptoes around him and had to bite your tongue before joking about something like clicking so well on your shared patheticness regarding your soulmate situations. you knew he’d be fine with it—jokes like that slipped from your lips one or two times accidentally, and he laughed despite your endless apologies—but you were still afraid to say something wrong, knowing you didn’t know everything about his soulmate bond. and while you didn’t want to push him into opening up, keeping yourself back wasn’t too easy either.

but you found out you had to be much more careful with what you wished for, when one friday you were called from work a bit after lunch break because you were flooding your neighbours from below. you thanked the heavens it was cold water, not hot, while basically running home, where your landlord had already been present with plumbing service and an electrician. turned out it wasn’t you’ it was your neighbours above. the good thing was, the damage done by the flooding wasn’t too huge—it mostly went down the wall. the bad thing? it went down the wall right behind the electricity panel.

the water supply in the apartment above was turned off by the time you arrived, so you sat in the living room waiting for the electrician to check how bad thongs was. it wasn’t too comfortable, as the power supply that was keeping the apartment warm had been turned off immediately, and it was one of the coldest weeks this winter—you didn’t even take your jacket off, not wanting to get cold.

yeonjun arrived not so long after you—his apartment wasn’t flooded, he just had a day off and went to meet his family for brunch, and he was surprised to find the door to your apartment wide open in the middle of the day, when you were supposed to be working. he rushed to it, afraid something could happen to you, but only found you sitting on the couch of your living room, warming your hands between your thighs.

you only gave him a brief description of what had happened, when the electrician came up to you and said that it’d be better not to turn on the power supply for a few days until it dried completely, and that you should call electricity services about three or four days later so they could check if it was safe to turn it on. he asked if you had a place to stay, and you threw a quick glance at yeonjun, who only nodded—his place was yours whenever you needed.

so when everyone left, he helped you pack the stuff you might need at his place these few days and let you in, telling you a list of his apartment rules—you could do anything you wanted, take anything you needed, use anything your heart desired, but you had to tell him if you finished something so he could buy it—you were listening carefully, almost making notes to yourself.

“so… what else…” yeonjun turned to you. there wasn’t much to show you as you’d spent enough time there already and more or less knew everything. “oh, right. the most important thing,” he waited for your nod that showed you were ready to write it down in your head. “pineapple pizza is prohibited unless you persuade me well enough that you need it, and you have to prove your loyalty by eating mint choco ice cream every five hours,” the death stare you gave him only made him more playful. “even in the middle of the night, mouse. no exceptions,” he added as seriously as possible.

you looked at your bags that were still unpacked by the front door and tapped your chin as if you were thinking. “if i kill you by rapidly hitting you with a pillow right now, i might have enough time to grab my stuff and get an alibi…” you said, pretending to think out loud.

yeonjun only laughed, hooking his arm over your shoulder and leading you to the living room to sit on the couch. “i beg you. the only way i’d die if you try to do that, is from laughing at your pathetic attempts to overpower me,” he said through laughter, making you roll your eyes, but your smile betrayed what you really felt. you were happy.

you ended up staying at yeonjun's place longer—at first until the next weekend instead of the beginning of the next week, because, for whatever reason, the electrician couldn't come earlier, and when he finally checked the electricity panel, it turned out a few really important parts had been flooded and it was impossible to air dry them, so you had to wait until their replacements arrived, and the estimated date of arrival was rather vague. if the first ‘living period extension’ made you feel bad, by the second one, yeonjun completely assured you that it was fine and he was actually happy to have you there.

sharing an apartment and sharing a bed—you agreed that it made no sense for either of you to suffer on the couch as yeonjun’s bed was even bigger than yours, and, well, you had slept together in yours already—had indeed brought you closer. it wasn’t exactly easy to hide melancholy, annoyance or, let alone, anger from someone you lived with, and it was hard to keep the reason to yourself when that someone was ready to give you listening ears, support, encouragement and anything you needed. so yeonjun started to open up to you too, slowly, including his soulmate situation.

it started with tiny glimpses of things he had felt when he was younger, presented in the form of questions—similar to the one he had asked about cross-stitching on the first day. but the biggest one was probably about period cramps. you remembered it well—you had never seen yeonjun that embarrassed and it was… cute. he barely cared when your period started while you were staying at his place, making sure you were comfortable and had everything you needed, but asking about it was completely different.

yeonjun had noticed that you functioned more or less fine, only occasionally holding your lower tummy and refusing to take painkillers because it “wasn’t that bad”. it reminded him of how he used to experience really bad cramps every month when he was younger, but then, suddenly, they stopped. he later found out it was caused by his soulmate’s period at those moments, but he had been too embarrassed to ask someone why the pain had suddenly lessened, despite being incredibly curious about it. but he felt a bit more confident with you to ask about it, and the question wasn’t completely out of nowhere too. still, he couldn’t help but feel embarrassed when the words left his mouth.

you were taken aback by the question, but assumed that it could happen because of birth-control pills, as many of them had that side-effect, as well as making pms a bit less… annoying. yeonjun barely thought before asking if your weren’t in that much pain because you were on pills too—he immediately wanted to apologize for the question, but you just shrugged and said that he was right. despite having really bad cramps when your period had first started in your early teenage years, you only experienced slight discomfort now, having taken the pills for years.

but later yeonjun started letting you in more on the topic. it turned out that he hadn’t felt his soulmate for a really long time either, and breaking up with that liar of a wild rose was basically the reason why it happened. but he never called it ‘broken’; he always used ‘shut down’ when talking about it. when you asked him why he called it that way, he found out you had almost no idea how the bond worked, so he sat you on the couch and brought the box he thought he’d never touch again—not because of some bad memories or anything, but because he just didn’t need it anymore. yet it’d be much easier to explain everything he knew using these.

yeonjun gave you the box and sat next to you on the couch. “you can open it and look through anything you find interesting,” he said, watching the way you hesitantly opened it and turned to him to take all the things out on the couch between you—a few notebooks, a tiny sketchbook, a bunch of different rose-themed tiny things, and a book, not bigger than his palm. looking at all of that was almost nostalgic for yeonjun.

the first thing that caught your attention was a little folded paper. you looked at yeonjun in question if you could read it, and he simply nodded. you opened it carefully, a big logo on the top of it catching your eye. soulmate matchmaking agency. you knew what the letter was—a mere automatic reply to any wild rose. you had a similar one lying somewhere between books you hadn't touched in years.

they refused to work with wild roses for ethical reasons—it wasn't easy to check if two individuals of that bond were soulmates. you wondered if they still had that type of bond on their site in the drop-down list, only to send a refusal letter with apologies and some pathetic rose-themed souvenir. you got a postcard? you weren't sure. out of all possible things, you got the most stupid one.

it probably was written all over your face, because yeonjun chuckled. “familiar letter?” he asked and you nodded. “i don't know why i saved it. probably just threw it there to all the other stuff when i got it,” he shrugged. “i sent an application, but found out they don't work with wild roses on some forums even before receiving… that. maybe they printed too many rose postcards and needed to get rid of them?”

you laughed and put the letter away, carefully taking the book next. you smiled, looking at it, your thumb caressing the cover gently—the silver decorations immediately caught your attention, when you saw it so many years ago in a box in the furthest room of your local library. you fell in love with it. the book was simply beautiful, and it looked good despite how old it was—it was maybe from the late 19th century, and you had no idea how a book so old could end up in a small library in some dusty old box where you found it. fleur de destin.

it felt like your fingers moved on its own when you opened page 138, making you realize that it was actually the number of your apartment now—what a coincidence. ‘rose sauvage’ was written at the top of it in a beautiful font, with drawings of thorny roses decorating it. you spent weeks looking at that page; translating old-fashioned french wasn’t too easy for an elementary schooler, especially as you had to use every translating dictionary you could find. and the result still was… questionable, but it was better than nothing.

“so i can see you’re familiar with the book,” yeonjun said, when he saw how quickly you found the needed page and the way you smiled at it—almost fondly, as if you had only good memories about it.

you nodded. “i found the same book in a library nearby when i was a child,” your gaze quickly ran over the lines you couldn’t even remember properly now. it was the only information you had on your bond for years, and it only had five ‘rules’—much less than other bonds in the book—and your translation left you with only three that you could understand properly. “i translated it, and it took a really long time to do it. and, still two of them made no sense, no matter how much i tried.”

yeonjun’s eyes widened. “you translated it yourself? when you were a child? from french?” he was shocked. you were truly impressive—just like them. it wasn’t easy for him, when he was grown up; some words were extremely confusing, and putting them together in a sentence made it sound strange. “what exactly didn’t make sense to you?”

you looked at the lines again, finding the word ‘souffrance’. “the fourth one. i barely remember it, to be honest, but…” you bit your lip trying to recall the way you translated it. “something like… when it comes to pain, where one lacks, the other one has a lot?..” you said uncertainly. “and, um, it’s perfect and it won’t change. my only idea was about one being in pain and another not being in pain, but it sounded weird,” you admitted.

your words make yeonjun chuckle. “it makes sense why you couldn’t understand it,” he smiled at you and took one of the notebooks lying on the couch. “the translation is a bit off, and you were also too young to understand the meaning,” he said, flipping through the pages. “it was ‘in matters of agony, where one is found wanting, the other is abundant, for such balance is divinely ordained and cannot be undone’,” he read out loud his note and looked up.

you couldn’t help but let out a giggle. “you kept the old-fashioned style while translating?” it was so him—finding anything ‘yeonjun’ quickly became your favourite thing. “i loved it, though it barely cleared anything up.”

he shrugged. “anything for aesthetics,” he said, full of himself—he enjoyed how open you were about liking something he did, sometimes seeing the simplest things as if he put the stars in the sky. his friends sometimes used feeding his ego—or feeding his authoritative side—when they needed something from him, and yeonjun saw it perfectly, because it was a 180° switch in their behaviour, but he knew they actually thought that way, just kept it to themselves, so he gave in. and with you, it was almost the same, except you showed it—both admiration and obedience, actually—without exaggeration, it was exactly the way you felt.

you smiled at yeonjun's proud face—confidence looked good on him, it was making him more attractive—you hadn’t even noticed the way the world slipped into your mind. you looked back at the book you were holding. “for aesthetics, but not for understandings?” you joked, before reaching out for the notebook he was holding to look at the proper translation, and he gave it to you without any problems. “so… instead of ‘lacks’, it’s ‘wants’,” you looked up and he nodded. “while one wants pain the other one… feels it?” it still made no sense.

yeonjun shook his head. “not exactly. i'm sure you have read about it if you googled the bond,” he paused looking at the way you tried to recall anything that would be similar. “it's not that the other one feels it, they have it,” he explained.

“is it…” you bit your lip, nails scratching finger pads in nervousness. you'd make a complete fool of yourself if you phrased it the way everyone said it, and it turned out to be not what he meant. you cleared your throat, deciding to use different words. “they have it for giving. is it about that…?” you threw a glance at yeonjun, and he obviously understood what you meant, but it seemed like he wanted you to say it straight. “about sadism—”

“and masochism, yes,” he finished for you with a foxy smile, ending the torture. “basically, it means one wants to receive pain and another one wants to give it, and they never switch roles,” yeonjun explained, watching your expressions. somehow, your reaction was important to him, as if deep inside, he wanted to know if his dreams were… realistic.

you bit your lip as your heart started beating faster—the conversation felt exposing, as if yeonjun knew the dirty things happening in your head. but it was one of the most commonly mentioned things about the bond, so it was nothing like that. “so… is any wild rose either a sadist or masochist?” you asked uncertainly, trying to fill the silence. “it's impossible for it to be different?”

yeonjun tilted head. the way you asked it… you weren't either of two and was thinking you were… broken in some way? “i don't think so,” he said, wanting to assure you that you weren't broken in any way. but the thought of his dreams lying to him about how much you enjoyed pain still hovered over him, and he tried to shoosh them away. “um, it also mentions ‘balance’, and while it's hard to find the truth, i think it's about the amount of pain.”

“you think… the balance is not in wanting to give or to receive pain, but in the amount they want to give or receive?” you asked, not completely sure you got him right. it made perfect sense—it was about soulmates after all. they were supposed to be perfect for each other in every way.

“yep,” yeonjun nodded. “i can’t be completely sure, because people usually keep that side of their lives to themselves… but i knew a couple who were rather open about it,” he chuckled, when he saw your widened eyes. “not in detail, i’m not that kind of a perv,” he laughed before continuing. “so one of them was a sadist and another one was a masochist, and they were… hardcore with it. the sadist one said that despite having a safe word, it was never used, simply because the masochist one always wanted to receive the exact amount of pain the sadist one wanted to give. and vice versa, of course.”

that’s how it was?.. once again, it made sense, and now it was obvious you wouldn’t have understood it back then, even with the right translation. “so, a soft sadist can’t be a hardcore masochist’s soulmate?” you asked, though you already knew what yeonjun would say. “they’re just incompatible.”

he nodded. “they are. it’s one of the way to check if you’re soulmates, but of course, a rather vague one,” yeonjun said and looked away in thought—should he tell more about his ex?.. he threw a glance at you. you seemed so soft, one of his sweaters on you—you’d gotten cold a few hours ago, and he just gave you the one he was wearing, as he was going to change into something thinner anyway. you weren't fidgeting with the book anymore, just hugging your knees to your chest and listening to him, softly slipping into melancholy. he didn't want to talk to you about his ex for whatever reason, it felt like mentioning her would shake the peaceful atmosphere. “so… yeah,” he said, trying to finish the thought.

you tilted your head, assuming yeonjun hadn’t said something he wanted to say, but shook it off—it was his right. you had something you were interested in anyway. “how does it feel for a sadist, though?” you asked, and he looked at you in question. “i mean, they enjoy giving pain, but when they do it to their soulmate, they should be feeling it too,” you explained.

yeonjun shook his head. he was surprised how little you knew about the bond, but didn’t blame you—he spent years trying to find out the truth about how it worked in the midst of myths. “the bond has a bunch of… fuses? to protect soulmates,” he hoped you’d understand what he meant. “one wild rose can barely feel the pain they cause their soulmate, and self-inflicted pain isn’t exactly shared too, unless it’s the fifty-fifty rule—” he suddenly stopped. “you know the fifty-fifty rule, right?”

you nodded. “any strong pain is shared equally, no matter the distance. they’d feel it even next to each other,” you said before biting your lip. “these… ‘fuses’ make it almost impossible to check if someone is your soulmate,” you sighed—its ‘protection’ felt more like a cage for one. was it protecting? yes, in some way. was it helping with finding your soulmate? not at all. “you can't pinch yourself to see if the person would feel it, because you're already near each other, and that fuse lessens it even more. the same goes for pinching the person to see if you'd feel it. how are you supposed to find your soulmate like that?”

these thoughts weren’t unfamiliar to yeonjun—he used to think that way for a long time, but eventually just accepted it, not wanting to make thoughts he already had worse. “you’re destined to meet with them, it’d bring you together no matter what,” he wasn’t sure he believed it himself—if it was true, he’d meet his soulmate by now, and you’d meet yours too. “even a shut down bond shouldn’t affect it. at least that’s how it’s supposed to work.”

you hugged your knees closer to your chest, laying your cheek on the couch’s backrest. “you keep on saying your bond is ‘shut down’, not ‘broken’ like mine,” you mumbled, caressing the rose keychain you took from the box, thorns tickling your thumb—the one similar to the one you had on the key you gave yeonjun the day you started talking.

yeonjun ran his fingers through his hair—it was easy to explain the concept, but it was much harder to explain that he believed it because he just wanted to. “it’s believed to be one of the fuses. when pain goes in cycles between soulmates, the bond shuts itself down to break the cycle until they stop hurting,” he explained, realizing how stupid it actually sounded, considering it had been shut down for him for almost a decade, even when the pain wasn’t so bad anymore.

you didn’t say anything—conversations about soulmates weren’t easy, especially when it felt like with each day the possibility of finding your soulmate was slipping through your fingers faster and faster. but it wasn’t the worst thing, because feeling the way you started slowly growing indifferent to it was much worse. you never realized how much of you was built on that bond and the trauma that went with it, until you started losing it, as well as losing yourself. you knew you wanted to let go of it, but you had no idea who you would be without it anymore.

and then there was a thing you feared more than anything—if you open your heart to someone who wasn’t your soulmate, if you dared to fall in love with them, it meant that person still had their soulmate somewhere out there, and when they finally met them… you swallowed the lump in your throat—you hadn’t thought about it beforehand. you thought that opening yourself up to falling for someone who wasn’t your soulmate would protect you from the heartbreak caused by not meeting your soulmate, but in the end, it seemed like it’d only bring more pain. and now, it felt like dying alone was the lesser evil.

“do you really believe it’s unbreakable?..” you asked quietly, not sure if you were asking yeonjun it or thinking out loud.

he didn’t reply immediately—he didn’t know, never thought of it. never wanted to think of it. and he decided to continue running away from it. “as far as i know, fleur de destin is right about—”

you interrupted him. “not fleur de destin. you,” you looked up. “do you believe it’s unbreakable?”

“i don’t know,” yeonjun admitted, looking away. “maybe i’d love to believe that i still have that connection with my soulmate despite not feeling them anymore,” he said quietly, his voice barely audible. “that there's still the possibility of meeting them one day and knowing for sure they are mine,” he swallowed thickly—opening up to anyone feeling too strange. he barely let these thoughts out in the open in his own head, but now he was saying it aloud to someone else. but it was you... “and i'm not sure which one is more painful—hope or lack of it,” he finished in almost whisper.

you didn't know either. you thought you’d experienced both, but could you be completely certain you had truly lost hope at some point?.. now, when you thought you were almost ready to give up and open your heart to someone else, you felt like your own thoughts and feelings were pushing you back in that cage—it was safe there, it was familiar there. was it the way losing hope felt? trying to dig your nails into it as deep as possible just to not let it go?

“i think mine is broken,” you mumbled, apathy slowly rising to the surface in an attempt to protect you from your own feelings. “not shut down. just broken. if it's impossible, i'm an exception. an error or a system failure. something broken,” you finished quietly.

yeonjun felt his heart breaking at the way your voice sounded so empty and quiet; at how small you looked, hugging your knees to your chest, side of your head resting lifelessly on the backrest; at the empty look in your eyes as you looked through him. you looked like a shell right now, feelings and emotions turned off just so it didn't hurt so much.

and you relaxed—obviously relaxed—in yeonjun's hold, and it felt so good for him. almost as good as when you lifted your hand to rest it on his chest, and he felt that you weren't just accepting his hug anymore, but were returning it—in the way you could in your current state. the way you shifted slightly up his body to be a little closer made his heart skip a beat—it felt like your coping indifference was slowly disappearing, making you seek comfort instead of accepting just anything, and you were seeking it from him.

yeonjun wanted to tell you that recently he started thinking more and more often that soulmates were overrated, and that maybe he wanted to just give up on waiting for that ‘one and only’ and open himself to someone else; that you weren't broken at all, and if you were, it’d make two of you. but he only whispered the sweetest praises he could come up with, hoping to pull you out of that dark place completely.

it was nice—the nicest you'd ever felt, probably. yeonjun’s hold was warm and comfortable; it felt firm but still gentle, his arms safe, protecting you from anything—even from yourself. you could barely understand what he was saying, but it sounded like something so nice, and his breathy, soft voice lulled you to sleep better than any lullaby you'd ever heard. it felt like all of your senses were overwhelmed with him—his scent, his touches, his voice—and it felt like home.

the same thought appeared in your heads almost at the same time. but while yours was more like a phantom of a thought in a tired, half-asleep brain that you probably wouldn’t even remember the next morning, yeonjun's one was bright and clear as a day. since he discovered that you were a wild rose and told you he was one too, the line of friendship—that already seemed blurry for some people who saw you together—seemed to be fading slowly, and he was the one doing it almost on purpose. he’d promised you to lead your friendship, and you’d trusted him to do so. would you hate him for leading it in that direction?..

yeonjun fell asleep a bit later—he tried to think about what to do next, when you would wake up on his chest and probably freak out, trying to pretend it never happened, and what to do later to bring you back closer, when you tried to keep the distance after falling asleep on him. he was a selfish man, and you seemed just perfect for him—as a friend for sure, as something more… he didn't know yet. but he didn't want to let you go. he would—of course, he would—if you told him to, but he saw the way you needed him, knew that he was the first person you came to when you needed comfort and warmth.

the thoughts were tiring yeonjun out too much, though, and he decided to just go with the flow and watch you—after all, you kept surprising him, maybe you'd surprise him here too. so he closed his eyes and focused on the sound of your breathing and the way it felt so nice under his collarbone. your scent was enveloping him too, but he couldn't get rid of the thin, barely noticeable notes of his scent—perfume, hand soap, laundry conditioner—woven into yours, and he tried to push the thoughts of possession and belonging away, filling his head with you and falling into soft, gentle hands of sleep.

yeonjun woke up just a few hours later, in the middle of the night, from you fidgeting on top of him. at first, he thought you were having another wet dream—it wasn't that you got them too often, but he had woken up to your soft, barely heard whimpers only a few times, and it was enough for him to grasp what exactly you dreamed about. and, maybe, who you dreamed about too.

the first time it happened, on the second night of you staying at his place, yeonjun was almost scared, when he returned after jerking off in the bathroom—he had a wet dream that night too—and found you curled into a ball and whimpering. he thought you were having a nightmare. he crouched down next to the bed and tried to stir you awake, but you seemed a bit… strange for someone who was just awakened from a nightmare. you sat down to pull yourself together a bit, and he smelled it, it felt like he could almost taste your arousal, and it tasted so sweet, he nearly popped a boner again.

you avoided yeonjun the next morning, but he knew well when to play oblivious. he asked you if the nightmare was too bad, telling you he went to get some water and woke you up immediately after returning and was so sleepy, so you let your guard down, believing he just didn’t notice any signs—if there were any. so when it happened next time, he just pretended he was asleep—he wanted to leave at all, but decided it wouldn’t look good if you woke up and saw his absence—you most probably would think you woke him up and he left. and when you hesitantly asked him the next morning how he slept, he shrugged and said he had dreamed of something weird like a few thousands of bees fighting godzilla, but nothing else.

yeonjun didn’t want to make you feel embarrassed, had no desire to even tease you about something you couldn’t control, but the way your were mewling his name so softly and quietly into your pillow or the fox plushie you took from your apartment first, was stroking his ego and made him hard sometimes just from the thought of it. so of course he started having more wet dreams too—but at least you weren’t a light sleeper like him. or maybe you were, and were doing the same thing he was doing…

but that time yeonjun was sure you weren’t having one—your breathing was calm and you barely made any sounds, so you were probably just trying to find a more comfortable position. cute, he thought, caressing your back. but you were right—kind of, at least the way he saw your fidgeting—you both should move to the bed, as it was much more comfortable. and even though he perfectly knew that you’d be sleeping on different sides of the bed and he didn’t want to let you go, because your weight on top of him was comforting, he still shook your shoulder gently—your comfort was much more important.

“wake up, mouse,” yeonjun whispered, ruffling your hair a bit and making you nuzzle closer to him, refusing to wake up. “no-ope,” he chuckled, ticking your side, his heart warm at your clinginess, “wake up and let’s go to bed.”

you grumped into his skin. “comfy,” you murmured, completely refusing to cooperate.

usually yeonjun would make you do what he wanted you to do, but his heart melted at your sleepy admission of being comfortable—something he doubted he’d get if you weren’t so sleepy—so he decided to do everything himself and carry you to the bed without making you move yourself. you still woke up a bit, but not enough to start seriously protesting and assuring him you could walk on your own.

of course, yeonjun put you on your side and laid down himself the way you two always slept—with a gap between you. he didn’t expect you to crawl and cling to him, and you didn’t. but you still surprised him by hesitantly reaching out and laying one of your fingers on his, as if even hooking it around would be too much for you, too close. he was happy nevertheless to see that you wanted to touch him too, and he fell asleep content, his finger moving almost on its own to caress yours.

since then, the line between you two started fading faster—even when you were finally able to return to your own apartment, some nights you spent at yeonjun’s place. it made sense to just stay there after another conversation in his living room that went past midnight—you had a lot of your stuff in his apartment anyway. and he stayed at yours too from time to time, so even when you were alone in your apartment—quiet and empty without him there—you still had signs of him wherever you looked.

it was scaring you. the way your view on many things started changing scared you too. but you were afraid to ask yeonjun about where the two of you stood, and more than that, you were afraid of hearing his answer. ‘being something more’ scared you even worse than staying just friends—whenever you thought about it, your brain immediately pictured him with his soulmate when he found them, not caring about you or whatever you had anymore.

it was hard to keep inside, and you couldn't go to yeonjun about it, so when these thoughts filled your mind to the brim, they spilled over to the only person you trusted almost as much as you trusted yeonjun—soobin.

“what would you do if you met your soulmate while dating someone else?” you blurted out one morning, standing next to the coffee machine in the tiny office kitchen, staring at it.

at first, soobin wanted to tease you, but the way you'd been occupying the coffee machine for a few minutes already without turning it on, just standing next to it with your cup inside, he decided it wasn't the time. “i don't know how exactly I'd reject my soulmate, but i would,” he shrugged.

you pressed your lips together. “but they’re your soulmate. someone perfect for you.”

soobin shrugged again and chose coffee for you on the little screen before turning the coffee machine on. “and another one is my partner, someone i chose for me,” he said simply—he knew you weren’t judging him for choosing partner over soulmate, especially since you probably had the same view, but it seemed like you weren’t asking for yourself. “yeonjun?”

“huh?” you looked at soobin a bit lost at the sudden mention of his name, but, realizing what he was implying, you mumbled. “i don’t know…”

he didn’t want to bother you anymore about it, given how confused you were—he doubted he could help anyway except by giving you a little chocolate bar and a few kind words as a sign of support when you were back at your tables. you didn’t expect him, though, because the only one who could clear that confusion was yeonjun, and soobin already did enough—showed you that there were people who had that view on dating someone other than their soulmate.

you didn’t ask yeonjun about it that day. or the next day. or the day after. you were scared he’d get the reason behind the question wrongly—except deep inside, you knew the reason he might think about would be right, but you refused to admit it to yourself even, let alone to him.

but yeonjun asked you that himself one day, in yet another one of your long conversation about soulmates, and before you could say anything, he answered the question himself—he did it often when the question was serious and he wanted to show you that he was ready to answer the question he asked, while you didn’t even have to. his answer was almost the same as soobin’s, and you hesitantly said you thought the same.

unlike what you expected, the conversation went just as it had before, as if the question wasn’t asked at all. but you didn’t know yeonjun had made a note about that—he’d been making lots of mental notes like that recently. he noted the way you shied away when he tried to push, so he stopped, letting you control the pace with which your relationship was developing into… something. he was leading the way it developed, though, staying on high alert about whatever he did or said whenever the atmosphere shifted after conversations about soulmates or dating. it was tiring, so he loved it when you let yourself be free without thinking twice.

“you know,” yeonjun started one friday-almost-night, pausing the movie you were watching—it was horror and it seemed like he tried to avoid watching it at all, because he paused it three minutes in. “fleur de destin also has ‘colours of soulmates’ on the last page. have you translated it too?” he asked.

you nodded. “it was easy compared to the wild roses part,” you answered after swallowing a handful of popcorn—it was meant to be finished before the movie started properly, with the way yeonjun paused it every half a minute. “just a few epithets for each colour. look, we don’t have to watch it—”

“it’s fine,” yeonjun said firmly—you said you wanted to watch it despite being a scaredy-cat, and he was determined to ‘protect’ you from scary pictures and sounds. “just got a question out of nowhere,” he said and you nodded with a small teasing smile—of course. “so. as we both obviously say ‘fuck you, both of our soulmates’— why are you laughing?” he tried to sound serious, but his smile was even heard in his voice.

you shook your head, trying to contain your giggles. “i’m not sure when i said it, but i do feel that i agree with the take. sorry, continue.”

yeonjun cleared his throat, and you tried your best not to laugh at how badly he tried to act serious. “so. what colour of relationship would you prefer to have?”

you didn't remember when you thought about it last time. colours of soulmates weren't exactly something you could check—mostly, it had just made sense to connect flowers to colours and use it for describing the main nature and vibe of the relationship between soulmates. you didn't choose it, you just naturally gravitated toward ‘one of the colours’ just like your soulmate did, and in the end, you made a perfect couple with the same wants and needs.

“i don't know… maybe i'm closer to pink?” you answered uncertainly—pink was… safe, but not boring. it was soft, loving, caring, silly at times, but still gentle and sweet. not too innocent, but not too emotional and passionate on the verge of fights either. perfect balance. “or maybe blue…” that one was new for you, heavily influenced by yeonjun and how deep your conversation with him went sometimes, how in tune you seemed to be with each other’s emotions. “i'm not sure…” you didn't want to continue thinking about it—you had already chosen the colours you'd describe your friendship with him. you didn't like the way your thoughts were going.

yeonjun chuckled—you were predictable in the most beautiful way. “nothing intense? no red and black?” he teased, already knowing the answer. you seemed like the epitome of pink, who needed blue sometimes. but he wasn’t exactly blue. he knew people who were, and he certainly wasn’t one—they weren’t as emotionally closed off as he was, and their bonds were built on deep, mutual connection. it didn’t come naturally to him. usually, he only revealed the surface, keeping his deepest fears locked away. he would love it, though—a faint blue gloss to his relationship. he would love to be able to open up, and he felt like pink friendship with you had exactly the right shade of blue shining on the surface. “boring baby,” he sing-songed.

you huffed, rolling your eyes and pushing his shoulder. “safe one. i want my relationship to be my safe haven,” you explained. “somewhere where i won’t be judged for anything, where i can truly relax and not wear any masks,” you got so wrapped up in protecting your ‘boring pink dream’, that you were far from noticing the way yeonjun was looking at you with the softest smile he just couldn’t keep inside. “i want to do silly things and not be afraid of getting laughed at and—” you stopped and looked at him. “what are you laughing at?!” you grabbed the nearby pillow aiming it at him.

yeonjun’s smile turned into laughter and he covered his head with his forearms as you swung the pillow at him. “i was smiling, dummy,” he tried to say through his laughter, as you kept on hitting him with the pillow wherever you could reach, making him back down until he was pressed between the backrest and armrest of the couch and you towered over him on your knees, cheeks and abs already sore from laughing. “okay-okay, give me it before you hurt yourself,” he laughed, trying to take the pillow away from your hands.

you only shook your head and stretched your hand up, holding the pillow as high as possible—yeonjun had no chance of taking it from you, height difference or not, since you were on your knees while he, as a sore loser, was sitting on his butt. he tried to lift himself up, but you placed your free hand on his shoulder, trying to keep him down, the leverage giving you an opportunity to hold the pillow even higher.

your determination was admirable, but yeonjun knew just the way to make you lose composure for a second—and that would be more than enough. “enjoying being on top, darling?” he asked with a smirk, looking up at you, his face even foxier than usual, making your eyes widen and your knees back off for a split second—just enough time for him to wrap his fingers around your waist and pull you down on his lap carelessly, quickly snatching the pillow from your hands. “just like that,” he sing-songed, tossing the pillow somewhere else.

yeonjun's hand still was on your waist, his thumb caressing your skin through the thin fabric of your t-shirt, making your breath hitch as you froze, heart thumping wildly in your chest—the two of you’d never been that close, and it was making you dizzy. you could feel his warm breath on your lips, carrying the scent of sweet mint and caramel popcorn long forgotten on the coffee table; only now did you notice your pinky kept accidentally brushing against skin of his shoulder, right next to the wide stripe of his tank top—you caressed it on purpose, barely aware of what you were doing. he was so warm…

you forced yourself to move your gaze away from his shoulder—you weren’t sure how a mere joint of bones could be so beautiful and captivating—and finally looked him in the eyes, swallowing thickly. of course, you knew they were dark—you didn’t need to have a phd in biology to know that—but you weren't sure they had always been that dark, like a fathomless pit in the ground that would swallow you whole if you weren’t careful enough. but you knew it only promised softness, warmth and endless sweetness—you’d gladly fall into it on your own.

yeonjun was captivated by the way you studied him, as if you were seeing him for the first time. it felt like he was witnessing the gears in your head turning, slowly piecing together a realization he had reached long ago. and the sight was truly breathtaking. he would let you study him all you wanted, however you wanted—with your eyes, hands, lips—if it meant you wouldn’t shy away from him when it was his turn to study you however he wanted.

the realization finally settled in—you both could see it. you opened your mouth to say something, but your words were stuck in your throat and your brain was absolutely empty. yeonjun knew well enough that whenever your mind went blank, it often was quick to be filled with anxiety, so he did the only thing his brain—affected by your proximity too—came up with. he put his hand on the side of your neck gently, thumb on your cheek, as he pressed his lips softly to the corner of your lips—barely a touch, but it already made your brain short-circuit, heart going absolutely crazy in your chest.

yeonjun felt his mind getting clouded too—he realized it, bright as a day when he felt your rapid pulse under his lips. he hadn't noticed when he moved his kisses to your neck—your sweet scent, the sounds you were making, the softness of your skin under his lips, everything was too intoxicating, exactly the way it was in his dreams and even better because it was real you—he had to force himself to stop. he had to clear your mind too. at least a bit—enough to give him a clear answer.

“mouse,” yeonjun whispered, putting all of his strength into pulling away from your neck and laying his forehead on your shoulder. “[ yn ], darling. squeeze my right shoulder if you want me to stop or left one if you want me to continue,” he whispered, careful not to make unnecessary moves, not wanting to affect your choice or make you act on instinct like squeezing the shoulder he moved. he needed you to think, even if the only thing he wanted to do was to wrap his arms around you and press you into himself so hard that you could feel each other's heartbeats and barely breath, and to torture your neck with his mouth until it was sore and you begged him to stop.

the words were a blur in your dazed mind—right, stop, shoulder, continue. stop… no, no stop… right shoulder—no, left shoulder, it was left. fingers of your left hand almost twitched and you forced them to freeze—wrong, it had to be your right hand. you squeezed fingers of your right hand hesitantly, before repeating the gesture a bit more certainly.

you were embarrassed to ask for more, but it felt so, so good. yeonjun was always rough in your dreams, bringing you the sweetest pain you could imagine, and despite perfectly knowing it was just dreams, they still were affecting the way you saw him—you simply never expected him to be so gentle, and it was making you lose your mind even more, probably. the way he held your waist as if you were fragile, the way his kisses were feather-light, barely leaving any sign of his presence there—and you wished these marks were permanent—everything was making you dizzy again.

yeonjun was scared of hurting you, afraid you might break if he wasn’t careful enough. he didn’t want to scare you off with how much he wanted to hurt you too—it sounded wrong even in his own head, no matter how much he tried to assure himself he meant it in a beautiful way full of pleasure. and he was ready to push each one of his dark and ugly desires deep inside and never let it come back if it meant he could keep holding you like that. he knew he was going absolutely insane, but at that moment he didn’t care—your sweetness was coating each one of his senses and he couldn't wish for anything else.

you clenched the fabric of his tank top on his shoulders in your fingers, nails softly scratching his skin, and you moved your fingers away instinctively, leaving only the heels of your palms there—you were on the other side of that pain specter, it almost came naturally to you, but yeonjun moved his kisses up your neck slowly, whispering that it was fine, that you didn’t have to control yourself that bad with him. you nodded shakily and pressed your nails into your palms.

yeonjun moved you a bit closer up his thighs, chuckling breathily into the skin between your neck and shoulder. “don't hurt yourself, mouse,” he whispered, his breath tickling the sensitive skin as he reached out for your hand on his shoulder and took it in his, unclenching your fingers with his thumb. i want to be the one to do it, he continued in his head—he was sure he’d never let you know it and would never act on it, as he was gently holding your hand in his on your thigh. you were his little flower. his pink, gentle wild rose, and he couldn’t care less about your soulmate wandering around somewhere—they lost their chance the moment you hesitantly squeezed his left shoulder.

the sounds you were making were becoming more and more shaky with every inch yeonjun’s lips moved down, your hand squeezing his. he tugged the collar of your t-shirt down, opening the top of the stem on your chest, almost groaning at the sight. yes, it was intimate—you came a long way to feel comfortable enough around him to wear something that showed even half an inch of it, and he felt blessed by your trust, but at the same time it was a mark. a mark of belonging, just like he had on his back, and he hated both.

you froze when yeonjun’s lips touched the mark, though—all the pictures of everything that could go wrong because of falling for someone who wasn’t your soulmate flashing before your eyes like a slideshow with no happy ending. you could love someone—your brain refused to put his name there—as hard as your heart could and choose them even after meeting your soulmate, but it didn’t guarantee anything if they had a change of mind or heart when they met their one. the dizzying sweetness that was filling your heart just a moment ago was replaced with a sickening fear that was clawing on it, trying to leave the deepest marks it could.

“jun,” you choked out, weakly pushing him away by the shoulder where your hand still rested. you couldn’t do it—it was too painful, too terrifying.

your tiny, quiet call felt for yeonjun like a bucket of cold water had been poured all over him—the first second, it felt like you could read his mind and see all of his ugly thoughts, but the way your other hand was still holding his hand grounded him, chasing those thoughts away. he moved his head away from you and placed the hand that had been holding you waist on the couch next to your knee, fingers itching to caress it, but he held himself back. you didn’t look at him, your eyes glued to the hand you were still holding—you refused to let it go and he barely tried, if he was honest.

“i’m scared,” you whispered before yeonjun could ask you anything or, worse, apologize. “of…” you opened your mouth to explain, but couldn't find words—of what? of him finally meeting someone destined for him, someone he'd been waiting for his whole life, who he’d gone through a terrible heartbreak and betrayal for? in no universe was it the right thing to think, let alone say out loud. you only shook your head in shame—for your behaviour, for your thoughts, for your feelings.

yeonjun was confused—what were you scared of?... him? his behaviour? getting so close to him? physically? emotionally?... he tried to find the answer in your eyes, but you still didn't look at him, and he wasn't sure what to do. he so often dealt with stuff by ‘manhandling’ everyone, that he had no idea what to do with you now, when he didn't know if it was right to touch you. he squeezed your hand that still was in his, though. “you don't have to be scared,” he whispered, trying not to make any unnecessary moves—you still were on his lap after all. “and thank you for stopping me.”

you looked at yeonjun puzzled. for… stopping him? he wasn't upset or angry or annoyed—he was thankful? this confusion pushed all the other thoughts away, as if it cleared the fog inside your head, making your brain start working to understand what he meant. you tried to find a hint of mockery in his eyes, tried to recall if you’d heard sarcasm in his voice, but there was nothing—he was sincere, absolutely sincere, looking at you with a soft smile. it felt like it was impossible to predict how else he'd surprise you next time, how he'd give you a glimpse of what a beautiful human being he actually was.

when yeonjun asked you if you wanted to continue watching the movie or go home, you hesitantly admitted that you'd prefer the first option, but were anxious that the thing that had just happened between the two of you might ruin the night—and everything else, you added in your head—but he promised to keep the atmosphere light, and about ten minutes into the movie, the air around you became significantly less charged when he yelped and you whimpered at the way the demon appeared behind the character’s shoulder in the mirror, covering your faces with hands.

by the end of the movie you were hiding in yeonjun’s shoulder most of the time, not even lifting your head when nothing scary was happening, just turning it slightly to the screen—both in case of another jumpscare and because one of the main characters was on the verge of death. he never pushed your head away but teased you endlessly—while he wasn’t busy covering his face—for being so dramatic about a death that you knew perfectly well wouldn't happen, and later—for the way you basically fangirled over the character being saved by his wife.

yeonjun couldn’t stop thinking about how cute you were, passionately trying to convince him that the couple of the main characters were completely pink and perfect with how much they cared for each other and how all-consuming yet sweet yet grown-up their love was. he wondered if that was what you wanted, what you dreamed of, trying to push the doubts away—would he be able to give you that? the one who felt red for his whole life, but dreamed of pink deep inside? could it be that your sweetness and gentleness of white would soften his red into the pink you both wanted? or would he only stain it?

you stayed at yeonjun’s place that night, too scared to be in your empty apartment completely alone, even with a nightlight or just a light turned on everywhere. and you realized you were right when you woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep anymore, because whenever you closed your eyes, you saw all the ugly ghosts and demons you had seen for your whole life in games or movies, so you just sat on his bed leaning on the headboard and hugging your knees in the pitch-dark room.

yeonjun stirred awake not so long after, slightly jolting at the shadowy shape sitting on the bed, before realizing it was just you, and leaned up on his elbows. “why are you not sleeping?”

you sheepishly traced random patterns on your knee with your nail. “whenever i close my eyes i see the face of that ugly demon in nun clothes,” you mumbled, bringing your knees closer to your chest—you didn’t want to wake yeonjun up.

he hummed and sat up properly, reaching out for the remote control and turning the tv on. “why didn’t you wake me up?” he asked, trying to find something more or less neutral and stopping at some old episode of the ‘culinary class wars’. “wake me up next time, okay?” he lowered the volume to almost nothing and put the remote back, lying down. “want me to hold you?”

you hesitated before nodding and crawling to him, laying your head down on his chest. “you have to wake up early for classes,” you mumbled to answer one of his questions, subconsciously moving a bit closer to him—he felt like the epitome of safety, and you couldn’t care less about anything else when you needed it so badly.

yeonjun hummed again, wrapping his arm around you and closing his eyes. it was only the second time you slept like that, and he was getting used to it a bit too fast—a few more times and his chest would feel too light and cold without you there, so he wanted to write it into his memory to never forget the way it felt. he was almost sure that in the morning you’d have to address the way he lost his mind the moment you were on his lap, and he didn’t know if it would end well.

but you decided to address it earlier—you looked up at yeonjun and noticed the way his closed eyes still twitched a bit, the blue tv light making the room just bright enough to see it, and he opened them almost immediately anyway, feeling your movements on his chest. “about what happened before the movie…” you whispered, nails scratching the pads of your fingers, trying to lessen the nervousness.

yeonjun interrupted you, though—he wasn’t sure he’d find enough bravery to say it so raw or say it at all if he had time to think about it. “i’m sorry if it made you feel uncomfortable,” he whispered, swallowing thickly. “i don’t think it was a mistake, but if you want to pretend it never happened—” he couldn’t find the words to continue—he simply didn’t know what was right.

was he going to pretend it never happened too and just continue being friends like before? when it was obviously too late and would only bring him another heartbreak eventually, after he’d opened his heart for the first time in almost a decade? was he going to pretend your friendship never happened? pretend that you were no one to each other after everything you’d been through together? it was even worse, because it was basically impossible to do that—the bond you two had built with your own hands was too strong now. he couldn’t even dare to call letting you in a mistake in his own head, even if it was meant to bring him only heartbreak, no matter what he did next.

“i’m scared,” you whispered, your voice barely heard behind yeonjun’s thoughts, but it still caught his attention, and you felt him tense, waiting for you to continue. “scared of what it meant, of how it’d change things between us,” you paused, trying to find the courage to say the next words. “i’m afraid of getting hurt in the end,” you confessed quietly.

wild roses had always been well-acquainted with pain—the steady presence woven into their existence. it had never been a stranger, never something to flinch from. half of them found pleasure in the rawness of it, while another half preferred to be the hand that delivered it—pain and wild roses walked side by side. but just as physical pain was a familiar companion, emotional pain was a relentless adversary, it lurked in the shadows, frightening even the ones who craved getting hurt.

did you want to? you were scared to answer it—one answer was a lie and the other one was… dangerous. so you decided to answer with the one that felt the safest. “i don’t know,” you whispered.

yeonjun knew you did, and he knew you weren’t trying to deceive him with your words—you were just scared of getting your heart broken. he was too; it was always a risk when you dated someone who wasn’t your soulmate, but for him it was worth the risk—you were worth it. he caressed your cheek with his thumb. “it’s okay. we could just try.”

you couldn’t push these thoughts away, though—what if he met his soulmate… but you knew yeonjun was waiting for your answer instead of getting the rest he so desperately needed between two tiring workdays. you clenched the fabric of his tank top and took a deep breath. “would you…” you swallowed—it sounded shaky and pathetic even to you, but you still continued. “if you meet your soulmate when we—” you didn’t dare to say the word yet, but he understood—he always did.

“no. no, i wouldn’t,” yeonjun said firmly. he knew it was ‘would you leave me for them’—you always chose pessimistic phrasings in questions like that. “i’ve spent years waiting for someone i don’t know, someone who doesn't know me,” he pressed his face into your hair, inhaling your scent. “i’m tired of that. i wouldn’t throw away something real for a stranger,” he hoped you’d look at him so you could see how sincere he was, but your gaze was glued to your fingers clenching his tank top. “i know you. and i want you. that’s my choice,” he finished, his voice soft.

you felt your eyes tingle, a lump forming in your throat—you wanted to believe him so, so badly, was it fair to him to be such a coward? was it fair to yourself? didn’t you deserve happiness? even if it was short-lived, it was at least something. and if everything ended with him meeting his soulmate, it could mean that it was possible for you to meet yours too, one day. you bit your lip and took a deep breath. “okay…” you whispered. “okay, we could… try.”

yeonjun felt happiness bubble in his chest, as if flowers were blooming inside—tiny, pretty pink roses, gentle and delicate, with thorns too young and soft to truly hurt anyone. a stark contrast to the way huge, bloody red roses had pierced through his heart when a drunken seven minutes in heaven at some high school party brought him and his now-ex together. it wasn’t passion that was all-consuming that time, but quiet happiness that he didn’t want to share with the world yet because it was still too young—only with you. so he held you closer, murmuring that he felt so happy, as you finally relaxed, your body no longer tense, and closed his eyes, anticipating the next days.

you fell asleep just a bit earlier—your head felt too light after such a weight was lifted off your shoulders, and you snuggled closer in an attempt to fill your mind with yeonjun so you wouldn’t overthink, and he once again knew what you needed, helping you with it—caressing your arm, murmuring something you couldn’t understand anymore, and bringing your head just a bit closer to his neck so you could feel his scent better. he was so good at overwhelming your senses, and you both knew it.

← to chapter 1 | ♡ you're here ♡ | to chapter 3 →

taglist ; @pagelets ; @hoefororeo ; @sbnslver ; @napipope-ta ; @sxmmerberries ; @whatblop ; @missychief1404 ; @brrytears ; @saejinniestar ; @imlonelydontsendhelp ; @urlocal-moa ; @melmochii

#xylatox ficrecs #˚₊ · ➳ ❥ fleur de destin #txt x reader #yeonjun x reader #txt smut #yeonjun smut #txt hard hours #txt hard thoughts #yeonjun hard hours #yeonjun hard thoughts #txt angst #yeonjun angst #txt fluff #yeonjun fluff

45 notes · View notes