#and sorry for being so upset when im shamed out of a special interest and what used to be a safe place for me

[eriophorumcallitrix]

ignore this post I’m venting my disappointment in the tags abt twitter LMFAOOO

[animeangel21]

Part 2 is ready for my sukuna fic

Here you go sluts :)

——————————————————————————-

"T-t-thank you ma-master" I stuttered with a shaky bottom lip.I would definitely have a handprint there tomorrow with the force he was putting on me.

"You need manners"

With him still buried deep in me his palm connected with my ass again and my hips pushed back forcing him deeper into me.

"You like that too huh?"

His hand continued to swat on me with no remorse but one hit in particular had lurched my body forward and I cried loudly cussing with drool falling out my mouth.

"God you're ass is raw, and this sweet little cunt is creaming all over me"

"N-no more" my voice barely above a whisper

He pushed himself back out of me and grabbed my hips and pulled me back on his cock harshly causing my ass to rub against his hips.

My moans were muffled again as his hand found my neck and pushed me further into the pillow. His dick twitched in me and I clenched as his pace somehow picked up.

I screamed a line of cuss words as his cum shot into me and he pounded me harder and I came all over him again.I tried to crawl away, get away, anything to help myself from the over whelming pleasure taking over my body. But his nails dug into my hip on my right side pulling me further back and his left hand was in my hair pulling my head back so my back met his chest.

My legs were on the verge of giving out on me and my arms wouldve struggled to hold up my own body weight if it wasn't for his hand and my hair.

"Just look how I'm bulging in your stomach. Fuckk, you wanted this and now you got it." He groaned pushing my head down and as he did so I could feel and smell the blood in my nose trickle down my face and down my neck.

"Is it that hot to you or is that your body saying you've had enough. Either way I'm not done with you. I've got 1000 years of pent up frustration and a tight needy cunt right here." He dropped my body into the pillows and there was a burning sensation on my hip causing me to try and move away but his grip tightened. " a bond you can't get rid of."

Sukuna had branded me with a RS on my hip.

In a heartbeat I was flipped and he sat on the edge of the bed with me in his lap and my neck in his hand

And his arm was securely wrapped around my waist.

My eyes were slowly shutting due to my body being exhausted. He drug his tongue from my neck to my mouth lapping up all the blood and slapped my face twice on the same cheek to wake me up immediately making my eyes wide.

"Enjoy being on top when you've got the chance because the minute you're down you need to be completely submissive"

" and if you dare to fall asleep or slow down with me I'll shove this dick in your ass raw" he whispered and licked the shell of my ear.

"Now ride" he said looking down at me licking his lips and flashing his white teeth at me. He smacked my ass hard as I sunk down and gripped the flesh hard and left bleeding scratch marks in his path as well.

—skippy—-

Once he came undone and I did as well my body physically couldn't handle it and I passed out.

  but he just let out a deep sigh and set a little mental note to punish the brat next time he would see her.

He was decent enough to snap his fingers and wipe her down with a wet rag and dress her in her oversized shirt with some shitty anime on it and some cute panties.

Hm.. maybe the brat would get some action if he liked to same shitty anime .  Sukuna thought to himself

He snapped his fingers and dressed itadori  and laid him in the bed and pulled the girl to lay next to him burying his face into her breast, and hand on her ass. He positioned her legs to wrap around his hips along with her arms before swapping out as itadori was unconscious this entire time.

Basically got the brats dick wet for him.

And with that he sat back and just replayed the nights events with a smirk on his face.

To further make things interesting he got rid of the marks that were branded into the girls neck and collarbone only leaving the branded letters and marks from the spanking on her ass.

———————————-hehe skip to morning————

  Yuji was the first to wake up or so he thought. His dick was awake before he was and he wasn't exactly sure where he was but this was an every other day thing and he would handle it if there wasn't something weighing his body down.

He woke up enough to look down at the half naked girl next to him who looked a bit rough probably from yesterday's training since he couldn't even remember getting to her house yesterday. His face was no longer between her breast but his mouth was against her throat and he could feel each breath she took. With a small tired moan her legs pulled him closer and her arms tightened around his neck before loosening up and a small gasp fell from her lips.

"I-itadori I'm I- I'm really sorry" she apologize with a flustered face and the boy smiled into her neck but as she pulled away he pulled her closer causing her blush to brighten.

" no need princess I'm comfortable here if you are. I-is this okay" he said with a faint blush

"I - Uh Jeez this is embarrassing um.." she couldn't talk or think properly with the boy looking up at her like a goddess.

I didn't have the balls or energy to tell him that his hand was on my very sore ass and I wouldn't mind him massaging some ointment on it and my bruised thighs.

He adjusted our positions and finally realized where his hand had been and his little shocked face was cute. I hid my face in his chest and he looked down examining the bruises, hickeys, bites, and scratched that littered my thighs noticing it was bad it wanted to ask about something but the embarrassment on his face said it all.

"Can I help you?" He said playing with the hem of my shirt.

"Y-yeah, uh there's creams and stuff inside the bathroom." I said and removed my legs from the boys body.

He sat up showing no shame in his erection as he stretched and mumbled about how sore his lower body was along.I laid in my bed and reminisced about last night and grabbed my phone and opened the camera only to see that there were no bite marks, hickeys,scratches, or puncture wounds.

Yuji took a while in the bathroom and when he came back out I was laying on my side and furrows my eyebrows at the look on his face. Oh damn

"If you're wondering he said he fixed you up mostly last night." Itadori said with a bit of an upset face and he looked at me with shame and guilt

I  dismissed everything I was feeling and how sore my body was I shot up onto my knees on my bed and wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him into a tight hug.

"You're not angry? I thought you would be pissed especially with me of all people for letting it happen."  He mumbled sadly.

"Yuji you can't control him.. of all people him. Look, he's been inside my head for..god knows how long but, I know how you feel and if I could repeat some of last nights events with itadori yuji I would" I said and kissed him passionately to which he returned immediately.

"Let me fix you up before you get hurt again."  He said pulling away.

" he could never do what I did HELLO IM A DEMON" the mouth that manifested on yujis cheek spoke and I smacked it but not hard enough to hurt yuji.

"Fuck off, it was my body." Yuji argued and leaned into my ear before whispering.

"He's had a lil spot for you, always mumbling about how he would fuck you n blah blah blah" and I laughed lying on my stomach so yuji could apply the cream for my thighs and ass.

"Um who told you to spread my business brat" his deep voice boomed.

"Fuck, did you have to go so hard on her." He said after flipping my shirt up to my hips.

"Brats need proper punishment."

"I like the idea of spanking too but there's  hand prints here, and scratch marks"  yuji said  applying the cool cream to my very much still burning skin.

" ya know I'm still here right like right under you" I said and yuji mumbled an apology.

"I'm never sorry" he mumbled

He doesn't know about our little deal, our little bond, and if he finds out I'll kill you myself princess.  Don't make me do that.

Okay, I won't you have my word.

Good girl.

I couldn't help but feel a bit of guilt knowing I'll have to lie to him about what happened yesterday night but sukuna probably told him everything he had to know and not what he shouldn't know.

The feeling of soft but large hands massaging my thighs and butt really took a toll and really turned me on.

More from my thighs as they were always a bit sensitive for me whenever someone touched them.

"Y-yuji I think I'm okay" I said softly and I heard a chuckle.

"Someone's horny" a deep voice rumbled and I flipped myself and it was yuji again.

"YOU CANT DO THAT TO HER ASSHOLE SHES GONNA WHOOP ME CAUSE OF YOU" yuji said and I placed my hand in his cheek.

"I would never I may have my issues but I won't even accidentally hurt the wrong person."

He fell onto my bed and pulled me next to him and relaxed his body and held me close.

"Was he serious?" He chuckled softly and my face started burning

"Yes.. he was but you've had a boner since you woke up but I kept my mouth shut."

"HEY this happens every morning I can't exactly control it" he said blushing as well and it was my turn to laugh.

I couldn't help but think about death and what's go come in my future, I had a while before death would

Come my way but, I was gonna live my life to the fullest. Or so I though.

———guess what, another time skip————————

Months later...

How many curses flooded this place? I don't know.

Me and another student came here on a mission to take care of a special grade while megumi was fighting some special grade.

Back up was on the way but I hadn't seen itadori in weeks because of a 'special mission' he accompanied nanami on.

Me and another grade 1 sorcerer were dealing with some curses on our own and my body was wearing down from the amount of energy I was using.

"WATCH YOUR BACK" I screamed and before my attack could do anything he was done for his blood spattered all over the old walls of the underground building/ bunker we were in.

"No more fucking around." I placed my fingers together.

"Domain expansion: grave expansion " I said and I could feel my energy flow and every single curse was ripped apart into several pieces and the only sound was their screeching.

"Ah you've perfected your domain expansion? It's about time little girl" a voice said behind me and I turned slowly and I was met with  with the piercing green eyes of Toji fushiguro.

" what the hell do you want? Cant you see I'm busy" I said and he got close.

"Hm.. a message..tell gojo I'll be back for him, you have a special grade to take care of missy" and he vanished in thin air right infront of me and I blinked several times to assure I'm not losing my marbles before running towards megumi and the special grade curse. I was weaker than I was before and I couldn't even see straight for a minute but I had to keep going if I was gonna see megumi again.

"MEGUMI WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!?" I screamed praying for the best.

" you're too weak you need to get out of here" his voice rumbled from behind me blood covered his face and I rolled my eyes.

"I'll be fine, back up is on the way we can both make it out of here, I- I can stun the special grade quickly and we Can make a run for it." I said and my nose dropped blood and he looked at me questionably before nodding his head.

I looked around and spotted the special grade and I took a deep breath.

"Fun times we're gonna have." I said  and my hands radiated purple flames and  a black dragon appeared from behind me and as I moved my arms forward she targeted the special grade and I grabbed megumis hand making a run for it.

" how are you feeling" he said and I shrugged.

" I'm doing just fine let's just get out the back up should be here in less than 5 minutes" I said and as hard as I focused I couldn't help but feel weaker by the seconds passing and the minute we stepped outside I froze in my spot.

A pain in my chest caused me to fall to my knees and onto my back.

This can't happen to me now

I summoned back my black dragon and the pain subsided even though she was injured whatever he did had been bad and transferred from her to me.

"Hold tight." He said and just as he said that the ground shook and the special grade was on ground level with us and standing over us as megumi carried my body. The curse kicked megumi sending him into a near by wall.

The curse picked up my frail body and held me up and smiled at me wickedly.

He turned towards the gates with my body and there stood gojo  and an unfamiliar figure.

"Oh young mya I never told you. This is all cause of me." I heard tojis voice and gojo was already ready with his signature smirk.

"Ah we meet again, I'm gonna need my student released from this curse and we can settle this one on one" he said and Toji looked me in the eyes grabbing my face" and let your strongest walk out of here alive? HAH" and with a flick of his hand the special grades hand shifted and impaled me to a tree  straight through my stomach and into the trunk the object was thin but it still hurt like a bitch

"SON OF A FUCKING BITCH" I screamed with anger crying almost immediately and before I was impaled again by the second arm I looked up at the curse  and it's body was split into pieces and nanami was behind it and itadori was looking at me with a shocked expression and tears on his face.

"I'll Help her call for help." Nanami said and before gojo got a hit on toji he vanished once again and ran over to me.

"I'm so sorry mya" 

"Pfft don't worry about it I'll be.. I'll be fine" I said and I smiled as nanami wrapped my stomach and itadori ran up to me and held my head in his lap.

"I hate this... please.. don't leave me" he mumbled with trembling lips.

"I'll always be with you no matter what.." I said fading in and out of consciousness.

"I'm sorry, I should've been there to help you." Megumi said with his head down and I lifted my hand to grab his hair and pull him close.

"You're a lot stronger than anyone here so don't worry about me. You handled that like a badass" I said and released him but his hand held my wrist and gojo had his head down.

" you are the best teacher ever." And I looked at nanami " my favorite mentor, you're more than capable of dealing with my knucklehead" I said and blood poured out the side of my mouth.

" I'll always be here for all of y-"

I was cut off with a kiss.

"Please, don't die on me!" Yuji screamed  my tears slipped and I could feel my body giving up little by little as I took my last breath and shut my eyes.

" I love you all" I mumbled and I faded into darkness 

Sorry princess it's time.

———————-innate domain——————-

Sukuna knew exactly what would happen if the girl didn't make it and he truly didn't care. But he would manipulate her and convince her to stay if he had to the easy way or the hard way.

He knew that at any given time anyone who entered his domain was gonna see the girl and that’s what he wanted. He wanted everyone to know that he owned her everything now.

—————

I awoke almost immediately with a gasp and sukunas fingers left my forehead and he picked me up bridal style and out of my hatred for being picked up I wrapped my arms around his neck.

He sat down on the large mattress with an unreadable look on his face and looked at the ground below him.  I was seated in his lap confused and upset.

" 'M sorry, I couldn't save you. something wouldn't let me. Princess, don't think I didn't try to save you.. I did but something wasn't letting me through and it was too late.." he said with his chin on the palm of his hand. I was shocked that the great king of curses was apologetic for once and I just had a straight face.

"Great king of curses are you dying?" I said feeling his forehead causing him to glare at me.

"Cause you just apologized to me." I smiled and held his face with my hand.

" it was gonna happen.. plus I was too weak I used my domain expansion and several other techniques that I shouldn't use all at once so, I did it to myself." I said playing with my hands noticing his white kimono with black edging and the black shoes he wore.

"You're here now, and it's not too bad until I have business to handle." He grabbed my jaw and turned my face to meet his and pushed his tongue into my mouth for a heated kiss.

He pulled away and picked me up dropping me on the bed.

"You need rest" he smirked down and pulled away untying his kimono showing off his godly body and sliding in the bed as well.

"I know I know you don't sleep in pants." He rolled his eyes and with a snap Of his fingers I was in a large shirt and underwear.

He laid next to me and buried his  face in between my breast and wrapped his arms around my waist allowing one of his hands to rest on my ass and give it a rough squeeze.

No matter how many timeswe get intimate since that first day we fucked I’d forever be nervous with him. Every movement of his made me slightly nervous but I felt so little under him it was slowly become normal.

I ran my fingers through his hair and as my eyes shut my actions stopped and he let out a throaty growl which was stupidly attractive and I moved my hands again to mess with his hair.

I traced over his hairline and kissed it gently.

I hummed and let the exhaustion take over from today's events allowing my leg to rest over his waist.

Once you were asleep sukuna could hear urge change in your heartbeat.

He knew exactly what he did and the reactions he had on your body he easily could manipulate you into falling for him and he knew he had to put in little to no effort with such a Naive little girl in his bed.

[mysmegrace]

woop wait i just saw the requests open thing sorry , can i please request the rfa with an ace/asexual mc ?

of course! thank you so much for your request! i hope i did this justice, please let me know if any information in this post is inaccurate or misunderstood! i'm not asexual and my resource for all info is from the internet.

RFA with an Ace/Asexual MC

---

yoosung kim:

the topic of your sexuality first arose from a movie night in his university dorm.

you two have been dating for a while now and it's been in the back of yoosungs mind for a while.

in his mind, he knew the time for that special event to happen was approaching.

so he decided that tonight was the tonight he would bring it up ever so subtly and maybe experience it for the first time.

with your consent of course.

you had a different idea of the action however.

you don't understand the huge hype around it.

it just wasn't something you’re attracted to.

the action itself repulsed you.

that's not to say you didn't want a relationship with yoosung or didn't find him physically attractive.

you valued your significant others personality and the emotional connection you had together such a strong way.

and you hoped yoosung would understand that when you eventually told him.

so when you arrived, he had everything ready to make the night comfortable and amazing.

the fluffiest blankets you could imagine had been laid across the couch with a bowl of popcorn, made just the way you like it, in front of you on the coffee table.

and the night was just  beginning.

half-way through the movie, yoosung reached across your body laid in front of him to the coffee table and took up the remote to pause the film. 

he said in a low, yet nervous voice “MC, i was thinking recently..”

you could sense where this was going.

you knew you had to tell him sometime in the near future, but if you were honest, you didn’t expect to have to let him know tonight.

“we’ve been dating for a while now. usually couples around this point in the relationship would..” he continued, cutting himself off with a breath to calm his nerves.

then he let it out.

“start talking about that special event..you know, the really deep one in relationships. i was wondering if maybe you wanted for us to try that out for ourselves tonight?” he finished.

you could feel your heart racing ever so slightly.

you weren’t ashamed or embarrassed of your sexuality.

you were mainly concerned that yoosung would get the wrong idea or shame you because of it.

but you knew you had to tell him, so you answered after a long thought.

“i’ve..never been interested in those types of things. they’ve always repulsed me and made me uncomfortable. it’s not because of you personally, i was just born like this. i understand if you need some time but my idea of it won’t change anytime soon.”

you took a deep breath, slightly closing your eyes to shield you from his body language in case he would become angry or upset.

yoosung took a breath too as he thought about your response.

he had never thought about the fact that you may not have been attracted to those things.

he finally responded after a minute or two, saying “oh, i’ve never thought about it like that. i hope i haven’t made you uncomfortable..”

truth be told, yoosung wasn’t ready for the event just yet.

but he understood your feelings towards it.

the absence of sex didn’t mark the end of your relationship.

your relationship was much more than one physical action.

he wrapped his arm around your waist, saying

“don’t worry, i completely understand”.

then he resumed the movie, eventually falling asleep with you on the couch.

hyun ryu / zen:

you’ve been living with zen for a few months following the third rfa party.

over the course of these past few months, you could feel your relationship continuously evolving into something deeper.

zen kept making moves with you, getting increasingly physical each time.

you knew the time for that special event between couples was approaching.

and you were not looking forward to it. 

you found zen very physically attractive, but couldn’t imagine doing the deed with him.

it disgusted you to your core.

just the thought of it alone was enough to make you shiver.

one night after zen came home from practicing for his new role, he started with the typical nightly routine.

it consisted of skincare, a drink, and loving actions towards his love.

tonight when his loving actions came out, it continued to get deeper and deeper.

the arm around the waist turned into a kiss which continued into a make-up session.

eventually he was asking for your consent to go farther.

you knew what this meant and immediately got it together.

you quickly denied, saying “wait, i don’t want this”.

you could tell by the wave of shock and confusion flashing over his face that you would need to explain this.

so you quickly let him know why, saying “it’s not because i don’t want to be with you or think your ugly, i just think sex isn’t for me. i find the very thought of it disgusting. im content with kissing and i hope we can keep it this way”.

you hoped he wouldn’t be upset with you.

he was taken aback, sitting up to make eye contact.

he had never heard of someone not wanting to do the act.

not just with him, but all together.

however, he listened and stopped all action in the moment.

he looked away, thinking about your words.

he knew your relationship was more than physical actions and that something so deep wasn’t something that a relationship should be centered around. 

so after some thought, he embraced you.

reassuring you that this wouldn’t change the way he perceived you in this relationship.

he would still love you.

he could never not love you.

so instead of continuing your previous intense make out session, you two ended up cuddling, eventually falling asleep in a loving embrace.

jaehee kang:

you awoke with the sun piercing through your eyelids.

a rude awakening in your opinion.

as you rub your eyes, you turn to look at your love sleeping besides you.

it was only 5:30am, the cafe you two owned didn’t open until 8am.

with a solid 2 and a half hours to waste, you stroked your sleeping beauties face.

ever so gently moving her once short hair away from her face.

the sun eventually woke her up too, only 15 minutes after it woke you up.

she said good morning with a kiss.

you returned her kiss, but she continued the kiss.

deeping it more and more.

you had become a little annoyed, pulling away more and more every time she went in for another one.

she caught on not long after, giving you a questioning look.

 you were quick to explain your actions.

“i’m not comfortable with such physical actions. i’ve always had a general disgust when it comes to actions such as deep long kisses and sexual events. i hope i haven’t made you upset” you let out.

she was incredibly understanding, giving you a quick smile saying “oh, i’m sorry love. i understand”.

she then left the bedroom, heading to make breakfast for the both of you.

jumin han:

your wedding day was coming closer and closer by the day.

you knew jumin strongly believed in not living together before marriage or participating in extremely intimate actions before marriage.

however, you knew sex was something many people expected to happen in a marriage at some time.

you had no doubt jumin expected it too.

you couldn’t exactly blame him when you knew it was the societal norm.

but you hated it.

you hated everything about the action.

no matter what way you looked at it, you couldn’t understand why so many people want to take part in such a thing.

but you knew you would have to tell him sometime.

it would be better to tell him sooner than later.

you didn’t think it would be right to tell him after you were already married.

plus you wouldn’t want to spend your life with someone who couldn’t accept everything about you.

so tonight was the night you would let it out.

you met jumin at his home once he came home from work and cleaned up.

he offered you some wine, and you accepted.

it was the perfect opportunity.

watching the expensive liquid being poured into your glass, you wondered which way you should let him knew.

should you hint towards it?

should you say it outright?

you knew in your heart that that would be the best course of action.

jumin was a straight forward man afterall.

once both of you were settled down, you started off the conversation with your concerns about the marriage.

more importantly, your concerns about the sexual aspects of this.

jumin was caught off guard.

he didn’t expect you to be worried about it.

did you think he would hurt you during the act or take advantage of you?

however, he continued to listen with a concerned look on his face.

all of his predictions were shot down when you said your feelings towards the act.

you said you hated the thought of it and had no desire to ever participate in it.

“oh” he thought.

sure he would like to take part in those acts from time to time, but only if you were 100% comfortable with it.

if you didn’t want to do it, he would respect that.

afterall, he didn’t want to marry you for his own physical pleasure.

he completely understood you, but reassured you that you had nothing to worry about as he would never force that upon you.

he wants to marry you for you, not for your body.

saeyoung choi:

the night of your engagement was an exciting one to say the least.

a party with all of your close friends that you would consider family was exactly what you needed right now.

and to see your future husband and brother in law finally together made your heart want to explode out of your chest from happiness.

and now you were here, laying on saeyoungs bed smiling while talking about your future together.

the house you could build together.

the car you could drive to the store in.

the names of any future children you may have.

it’s safe to say, you two were getting carried away.

saeyoung started to make out with you after you two had calmed down a bit.

you returned the action, and it was getting increasingly heated as time went on.

he started to lay his hands upon the bottom of your shirt, gesturing towards pulling it off. 

you snapped out of your makeout haze after you realized what he was trying to get at.

you pulled away sharply, leaving him shocked.

did he do something wrong?

his head started racing with worries.

he didn’t want to upset you in anyway.

you blatantly let out your feelnings towards his actions.

“saeyoung, i don’t like that. you haven’t done anything terrible, i just don’t like things getting that intense and sexual.”

he didn’t know what to say.

he never meant to unknowingly upset you.

cue the wave of apologizes from saeyoung.

you calmed him pretty quick once he starting this, saying “saeyoung, it’s fine. i know you didn’t mean to”.

eventually he calmed down and thought about it seriously.

he was completely understanding.

so instead of going further, he just continued with the kissing.

but made sure to keep it strictly kissing.

he was ready to love you for his entire life, even if he never had sex with you.

and he was content with that.

[wsgeon]

hey everyone! ummm this is peyton (also the mun of lee hyeon) taking a second shot at a second character — i have a lot of muse for this one, so i swear he’ll be around for a while… 🥵 this is ryu geon, yes his name rhymes with hyeon’s & no i do not care ♥️ he’s the lead guitarist/vocalist of meta and also the son of a former nobody rockstar, but i’ll get into all that below! like this post if you’d like for me to come into your ims to plot, click the read more for more info on geon, and/or click here to be taken to his pages: CAREER, DOSSIER, PINTEREST.

HISTORY.

born in autumn ‘97 to a “budding rockstar” (translation: “no yeah i swear our band’s really starting to take off, we sold twenty-three tickets to our last show!”) & a woman with commitment issues ♥️ geon’s dad always told him that his mom left because she had some dire matters that needed to be taken care of and SWORE that she cried the last time she held her dear baby boy, but all of his dad’s bandmates say that she was just some groupie and had to be persuaded into carrying her child to term… who can say for sure?

naturally, there are no pictures of this mystery woman. there was one (1) of her holding infant geon, but then he found out that that was actually a sound tech who worked for his dad’s band… and he just never corrected geon’s assumptions LOLLLL

anyway! he was always really close to his dad, considering they were a two-person family. he has a set of grandparents, an aunt and a couple cousins but they were never involved with geon’s life because his dad is the #blacksheep of the family. geon and his dad against the world, am i right?

uhhh geon was also kind of a black sheep growing up, but he didn’t really notice? he was a happy kid, very energetic and enthusiastic. a lot of adults in the area looked down on him & his dad, but he was SOOOO blind to it because his dad’s a god in his eyes and HE’S always been nice to everyone, so why would they not like him??? because his clothes smelled a little like dad’s cigarette smoke??? big deal

wasn’t troublesome (beyond talking too much), but a lot of people still expected bad things from him :/ “his father’s a dirtbag, i’ll be surprised if that boy doesn’t end up in jail by 20”, “he won’t amount to anything without a proper role model in his life”, “his dad is teaching him how to slack off”, “he won’t contribute anything to society”, etc. he kindaaa picked up on this as he got older but pretended not to because it was more rewarding to play dumb and keep being a good kid(tm) to prove them wrong

was basically a mini version of his dad. same style, similar features, birthmarks in the same places, same “live today, die tomorrow” approach in life, same affinity for singing & playing rock music. ummm he loved his dad a lot. a lot. a lot. wanted to make him proud SO BAD, started his first band when he was 15 and they sucked so bad but his dad was their biggest fan… you know how it is. a lot of people misunderstood him, but he was a very good guy and such a great parent

TW DEATH unfortunately he passed away just shy of geon’s 18th birthday and your boy still hasn’t forgiven the world for taking his dad when he was in the middle of his angsty teen phase — had he known that their time together was dwindling, he would’ve been so so so much better to him END TW

his dad’s band actually rocketed into the charts after he passed & suddenly they were getting loads of publicity, lots of “what a shame that he went under-appreciated” which pissed geon off SOOOO bad because why couldn’t they have had that energy when he was still alive? he’s still mad about it five/six years later

this is getting kinda long, so uhhh tl;dr, he ended up staying with the drummer of his dad’s band until he was old enough to live alone/READY to live alone, but he changed quite a bit. was really going through it, quit his band, stopped putting effort into school. barely graduated. went from being a social butterfly spending every weekend at a gig or with friends to spending all of his time on a pc or in front of a tv, playing console games. the internet comforted him when nobody else would/could and then he met the future members of meta <33333333 #newbeginnings

present day geon is still struggling, has to go to counseling bi-weekly but he’s coming back out of his shell! he wants to fall in love with life again, just wants to tread carefully... outgoing & will talk to absolutely anyone, but he still spends most of his time alone. hard to reach by text, so if you wanna talk to him, you better call/facetime LMAO. talks a mile a minute, especially if you get him going abt something he really likes. laughs a lot, smiles a lot, more habitual than actual signs of happiness but yk. ummm he has a really loud voice, mostly controlled nowadays but he still gets carried away sometimes. an absolute menace during long drives/flights, sorry meta.

funny but only when he’s in large groups. feeds off of other peoples’ energy, really good at reading a room and breaking the ice/making everyone comfortable, but if you meet him 1-on-1, none of his jokes land quite the same.

i envision him as being the kind of guy who carries himself in such a way that you’d assume he’s really popular/out of reach/maybe even full of himself, but he’s... not like that... at all... in fact, he’s kinda irritating when you get to know him. the personification of a flood followed by a drought and vice versa, always either too much or not enough. gets used/ghosted/dropped/dumped/whatever a lot because he’s soooo fun in the moment (if he isn’t in his feelings), but draining long-term.

really emotionally intelligent, in touch with his feelings in a way that a lot of people never thought he would be (probably thanks to counseling tbh). he’s very very rarely the type of person who will make you wonder what your place in his life is — he’s communicative, kind, honest. ummm he thinks that intimacy between friends needs to be more common, so he’s really affectionate with the people in his life. type of guy to tell you he loves you every chance he gets (calling you when he’s drunk, sounding like a clingy ex type beat) & greet you/depart with a hug. losing his dad kinda fucked him up in the way that he won’t leave/hang up until his friends say “i love you” back, gets kinda (re: very) upset if he’s denied that and/or a hug.

TRIVIA.

has been playing the guitar “longer than he’s been walking” (not really, but he swears it’s true).

uhhh he really likes nail art, but he’s kinda hesitant in what he tries? mainly sticks to black polish (or other plain colors), but sometimes he’ll get little designs added in as well. mainly does it himself because he still doesn’t feel comfortable in salons... if his work looks bad, leave him alone <3 he’s trying

inspired by people like kurt cobain, nicky wire, yungblud, billie joe armstrong & damiano david in the fact that he’s not against wearing dresses or skirts on stage. doesn’t do it ALL the time, but often enough that it doesn’t go unnoticed. some people say that he does it for attention because he doesn’t dress like that elsewhere and tbh they’re probably kinda right

interested in history (only SOME... dinosaurs, ancient civilizations, specialized areas like the history of circuses/clowns/skateboarding/punk, stuff like that yk), stand-up comedy & documentaries. could spend a whole day watching documentaries and would say he had fun, has a lot of useless knowledge that nobody gives a fuck about and is kinda dumb when it comes to things that matter

when it comes to music, he prefers playing really fast and heavy rock or punk over anything else, but he actually listens to a lot more soft indie on his own time... he’s too tense these days to be listening to anything else RIPPP

the vibe: homemade tie-dye, ripped slipknot t-shirts, frosted tips, neon crocs with alien & peace-sign charms, chipped black nail polish, calloused hands, cheesy pick-up lines used NOT to land a date but to pull a smile, driving until he’s lost, stupid socks paired with pressed suits, dramatic poetry in an iphone note, etc. 

PLOT IDEAS.

people he met through online support groups about coping with grief

uhhh an on & off relationship that’s been going for who-knows-how-long. the reason for this is up for discussion, but i imagine that he hasn’t given up yet because the constant highs and lows are a good source of inspo 🤪 artists must suffer for their art!

opposite side of the coin — someone he’s interested in, but he’s NOT disloyal so it’s a pattern of persistent courting when he’s single vs intense friend-zoning when he’s not and they’re getting tired of trying to figure out what he wants from them

someone else who likes nail art & can convince him that NOBODY cares if he goes to a salon

someone (probably female but doesn’t really matter tbh) who feels like his feminism is entirely performative… maybe they attack him directly for it or maybe they just REALLY don’t like him and they’re super vague about it idk. either way, please tell him that activism is much more than recommending one female artist a year and saying “clothes have no gender 🤪” so he can be praised for the bare minimum (his heart is in the right place but his skull is empty)

someone super introverted who comes out of their shell with geon! uhhh maybe they think that he’s the one doing them a favor, but in reality spending time with them has been doing wonders for his mental health

other people who like to skate. let’s congregate at the local skatepark and scare the middle schoolers away

someone who inspires him musically, for whatever reason. lots of late nights in studios, idly strumming his guitar and writing lyrics that definitely aren’t about how their eyes look in these dim lights… umm maybe he thinks he has a crush on them but really doesn’t and ends up hurting them eventually, maybe he really DOES have a crush but will (probably) never do anything abt it or maybe it’s entirely platonic and he just admires them a ridiculous amount

someone who likes to make music as a hobby, prob won’t publish/release any of it but it’s fun to imagine. spontaneous meetings with geon in the middle of the night, recording songs together and keeping the WORST takes for the laughs. there’s probably a diss-track of them going in on each other floating around somewhere even though geon can’t rap for shit

night owls who keep him company on the phone, even if they can’t be there physically. them talking really quietly vs geon shouting at them while he plays games LMAO

gaming buddies. come over, maybe you can carry geon through his game of the week or you can both fail but have fun while you’re at it… or you can scream while he fends off that hoard of zombies behind you

i’m typing this at the last minute (literally) so i’m gonna stop here, but i will get a proper plots page put up asap with a wider variety of connections!!! but as always, please do let me know if you have any other ideas. i’m always happy to plot and write with you all 🌚

[wallofweird]

hi fae, how do you feel about people saying that kevin only tolerates madison bc of kate and therefore they won't work? :/

Hi! Well, I think these people are definitely not watching This Is Us (or any type of television, for that matter) or living on Earth. Or seeing and unseeing things according to their pre-established opinions. Either way, that’s absolutely not true. On most of their interactions Kevin is polite, as you can see it here:

I love this part because there are at least three other guests closer to him but she is the first person he offers a glass of champagne... If you pay attention to the scene, he is holding THREE glasses. He gives one to Madison and he puts another on a shelf, I don’t know about the third, but there were definitely more women in the room that could’ve had that(those) glass(es), he just didn’t care, lol. Also, Rebecca is looking and smiling at him, but he doesn’t even notice it because he is too busy looking at Madi... I mean, another direction.

CREDIT: https://thisiskevison.tumblr.com (all the gifs above)

Kevin doesn’t look very happy with the idea of dancing and still he doesn’t protest.

CREDIT: https://madsdefencesquad.tumblr.com/post/616600065662926848/kevin-x-madison-height-difference

This gif doesn’t show it, but he turns his head and watches Madison as she walks away just like on gif number 4.

Siding with her during a conversation with Kate.

CREDIT: https://thisiskevison.tumblr.com (all the gifs above)

Comforting Madison.

CREDIT: https://madsdefencesquad.tumblr.com/post/618991372262916096/kevin-looking-at-madison-nothing-but-blue-skies

He isn’t smiling here, but does this seem to be a person that is annoyed with the other? He has soft, delicate, gentle eyes while looking at her.

And this whole thing about Kevin despising Madison and only tolerating her because of Kate is even more ridiculous because on this scene he is basically begging her to invite him to come inside.

CREDIT: https://madsdefencesquad.tumblr.com/post/616600065662926848/kevin-x-madison-height-difference

If he thought her company was so unpleasant, why would he accept it in the first place? He could’ve left and gone to Rebecca’s house instead, or come back after Toby got back from work, he could’ve called Randall, or Nicky, or simply gone somewhere else to make new friends because it’s not like struggles when he socializes with strangers.

And here is what Madison had to say about her night with him:

CREDIT: https://thisiskevison.tumblr.com/post/617836054621339648/do-you-want-to-know-why-i-think-i-slept-with

He made her feel comfortable enough to be her true self and he ended up spending at least a few hours with Madison. He spent the night at her place and only left the next morning... If her presence were so repellent, why didn’t he leave after the sex? Madison didn’t point a gun at him and forced him to stay. Even after he woke up, he kept lying next to her on the bed without a shirt on... Plus, there was the option of leaving without saying anything while she was asleep, but he didn’t do that.

Actually, the only time I believe Kevin was rude to her was at the hospital, but you have to analyze the context: his sister went into early labor, there was an endless list of possible complications to the baby and herself, it took hours until Kevin got some information, Kevin had been drinking, he was dealing with his failed attempt to connect with his uncle, the frustration of having relapsed after an entire year of being sober, feeling guilty for lying to everyone about it and the fear of losing Zoe because of those lies. He was going through A LOT. Those were probably some of the hardest hours of his life. Yet, at first he treated her just fine, it was the fact she wouldn’t stop talking (because that’s the way she was coping with the situation and usually what he does too when he’s sober, btw) that he said those things to her. Now, I don’t drink, but as far as I know people on hangover usually have headaches so it’s not weird that they will avoid noises and I remember Kevin saying a few minutes before that he was on hangover.

I also remember that he immediately regretted it and apologized to Madison, but she didn’t listen and left (I don’t blame her). And when she walked away he was hit by a dose of consciousness and realized his was being “an ass” and apologized to his family. She wasn’t the only one, he was snapping at everybody, because it wasn’t Madison, Randall or anyone else that was annoying him. It wasn’t personal. It was the stress of the entire situation that was making Kevin take it out on everybody. Plus, even though he didn’t specifically snap at Zoe, when he went outside to get some air and clear his head, she offered him company and Kevin shut her out.

CREDIT: https://thisiskevison.tumblr.com/post/618572824853069824/im-sorry-what-exactly-are-you-doing-here

By the way, Kevin bumped into Madison when he was getting out of the elevator and attempted to apologize for a second time.

Another scene people use as an ‘example’ of rudeness is this moment on the season finale, but I sincerely disagree. Here’s why:

Kevin was in the middle of a heated fight with his brother and that was almost getting physical when Madison arrived for the party.

And when she showed up at the door he just told her the truth: it wasn’t a good time.

Now, does that look like an angry, utterly annoyed and disdainful face for you? Because the way I see it, it’s just a guy who’s weary and not in his best state of mind, which is comprehensible since he was in a middle of an argument, his mother’s health is deteriorating, Randall had talked her into doing a clinical trial in the other side of the country despite her previous refusal and that’s just SOME of the heavy stuff he was dealing with at that specific moment.

However, Madison doesn’t bother and enters the place anyway.

And Kevin doesn’t yell at her, protest or leaves, he just lets her in and closes the door.

Again: does this look like he hates Madison so much like some people make it seem?

THIS is being annoyed and/or angry:

CREDIT: https://rostovarps.tumblr.com/post/165520445651/kevin-pearson-in-this-is-us-01x07-the-best

CREDIT: https://adyadintheforce.tumblr.com/post/177326964546/shame-on-all-of-us

And this is just being upset, tired, feeling like all your energy has been drained out of your body:

If you watch the scene, his face on the picture above and on this gif has identical expressions:

CREDIT: https://ltbelanna.tumblr.com/post/189147462109/this-is-us-4x08-sorry-im-sorry-me-too-see

And really, how did these people expect him to react? Did they expect him to smile, kiss her and propose a second round of hookup? His reaction made perfect sense to everything that was happening at the time.

Do they believe things would’ve been different if it had been someone else at the door, like Kate’s neighbor Gregory or somebody from her support group? Do they think that if it had been another person he would’ve hugged them, offer coffee and crack jokes? That the problem was Madison and not the situation he was in with Randall and Rebecca? 

Anywaaaay, by the end of their conversation he had already softened up and was even slightly smiling at her. 

CREDIT: https://millennial-mess.tumblr.com/post/613565105725194240/im-so-sick-of-chasing-ghosts-im-tired-of

CREDIT: https://madsdefencesquad.tumblr.com/post/620438418688704513/you-da-best

Sure, it wan’t a wide smile because it wasn’t like his problems had disappeared all of a sudden, but he had found a silver lining in the midst of everything.

And being exhausted, upset, annoyed, stressed or angry is part of the human experience and part of being in a relationship of ANY KIND: romantic, platonic, familial. Taking it out on someone can happen sometimes as well. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows. People are not perfect. People are not robots. They navigate through negative feelings and emotions too. It’s how things are in real life and also how things are on television, specially on This Is Us, which is a show that focuses on relationships and emotions.

Jack and Rebecca, Beth and Randall, Kate and Toby, Randall and Kevin, Kevin and Kate, Nicky and Kevin, Kevin and Sophie, William and Randall, Kevin and Cassidy all had moments like this... The list goes on. Would the same people define these relationships/friendships as unsuccessful and fake because of a few unfriendly moments? I doubt it, because what really defines a relationship as healthy and successful is the people’s ability to recognize their own mistakes, forgive each other, work on themselves as individuals and as friends/a couple/a family and getting even closer and stronger after facing the hardships. It’s not smiling, talking, hugging and kissing 24/7 because nobody does that. Maybe for a few days and weeks, but you won’t last even a month behaving like this, let alone YEARS.

And the complications are also what keep the story interesting and engaging. I don’t mean something like toxicity and abuse, but if couples, relatives and friends don’t disagree, argue and face problems out and within their relationship, the show doesn’t go anywhere. There must be conflict. There must be drama. And there must be happiness. It’s about balancing these aspects out.

If they want to watch something that’s always sunshine and rainbows and where the characters are always happy, they should watch a TV show targeted to three-year-old children, because honestly This Is Us has never been and will never be this kind of show. 

And we know Kevin has a pregnant fiancee on season 5 and since This Is Us is not a soap opera, I seriously doubt Kevin will go out there impregnating multiple women with multiple children and multiple sets of twins. I reckon it’s safe to say it’s Madison. That means they will go through one of the most amazing and yet vulnerable and challenging experiences two people can ever face and instead of pulling them apart, it will only bring them closer to the point they will get engaged. For me, this sounds like a relationship that is DEFINITELY WORKING.

[gevejsbvdj]

Pt. 2

the continuation of what inspired my leave beneath the cut

I have a friend, who I got along with really well because we are both Afro Latinas (only she can speak Spanish. I don’t, not really) and we are black kids who had an interest in unconventional topics. I messaged her before disappearing about the ending of the server. I was keeping her updated all throughout, but after telling her the ending, I left her on read

I won’t disclose what I got up to during my absence. But again, don’t think that I had a breakdown because of the server ONLY. It was the final straw. I had so much going on in my life and I couldn’t take it anymore. 

Anyways, she took it upon herself to send hateful messages to Ley’s account and thought it was something to be proud of and told me. I...wasn’t impressed. But I still didn’t respond to our chats. Then she (her name is Rex. I’m gonna call her that) dmed Ley and was actually pretty aggressive towards her in an attempt to get answers. Again, not impressed but it was enough for me to actually come online. I feel like that’s why she acted out, to get me online. I don’t think she cared about me and used my pain to hurt others.

I had extremely brief, passing conversations with people who weren’t involved with the situation at all right before I messaged Rex. 

Ley was special to me before her message. I was always very defensive and protective of her like I was everyone else, but her especially because I thought she was nice. And I remembered when people were being mean to me, she reached out. And I still appreciate her for doing that. 

Which was why it was so confusing when Rex told me that they were all mad at me because I ACCUSED JOANE OF GROOMING PEOPLE. They wanted a reason to make me the villain so badly that they made shit up.

Notice how here, she says that I called Joane a FUCKING PEDO. Not even just a groomer but an outright PEDOPHILE. 

I’ve been raped. I’ve been sexually assaulted, groomed, all of that. I don’t say shit. I never say anything. I’ve even been accused- yes, ACTUALLY ACCUSED unlike Joane- to being a paedophile. I’m 19. Not even just that but I’m freshly 19. I got accused when I was 17. But I would never just- ughhhh moving on I don’t wanna get into it. 

When Rex asked for proof, this is way Ley sent her:

In this screenshot, I’m literally discussing how Joane’s childish behaviour could get her killed. I was concerned. Again, where’s the bullying?

Rex told me that Ley said she was wrong for not having proof, and I understand. Ley wasn’t present when it all went down

But really Ley? 

I heard a quote from someone that said something like “if someone believed a lie about you without checking up on you first to see if there was proof, then they were already looking for something to destroy you with to begin with” or SOMETHING like that. So I thought back to that quote and felt awful. I always suspected that they didn’t really like me, but always marked it up to my depression talking nonsense. But after all of this...maybe it was true. Why did I come out the most damage? Why were they making up lies about me? Me, out of all of them. Why was I consistently being seen as the bad guy overall? No really tell me. 

Anyways, this was Ley’s justification to believe that I would say such an awful thing:

Okay. Let’s just say that- Joane WAS a groomer. That she actually is a paedophile and I commented on it. She’s obviously not but I’m pulling a Ben Shapiro here. Everything else is the same only Joane is a paedophile. 

That motherfucking “it’s weird that he only spoke up when they were arguing” argument, and other arguments like that are so fucking toxic. As well as “well it wasn’t a problem that never came up before” so??? That’s what the fucking #metoo movement was all about. Timing means NOTHING when it comes to that. It doesn’t matter if it’s Joane or fucking Bill Cosby. The fact that thought came to Ley’s head is so fucking upsetting and DISGUSTING.THAT mentality is why people never want to believe victims of assault. Same goes for “they could have said that privately” guys she’s talking about that user who said they were uncomfortable with Joane coming onto him. Privately? It was private to him. In that server, we’ve made it known that it’s a very homey and comfortable environment. And who the fuck are you to tell someone where and when they can speak up about something like that???

Also, she accused me of calling her a pedo again. Good for me right? I’m a bully and I’m someone who just blindly calls people paedophiles. Good for me, damn. 

No, you shouldn’t believe someone right away when they call someone a groomer. God don’t I know that. But you definitely don’t say THAT what the fucking fuck. 

Jesus. Okay, moving on. 

Rex aggressively messaged Mel who had something similar to say:

uggh, you WERE the toxic environment i wanted to flee from,.

It hurts. It hurts a lot to see another friend you looked up to call you a bully. And that they just say that you called someone a groomer when you didn’t. 

Mel couldn’t provide proof either. 

Mel also tagged her post with someone kinda ignorant. 

Imagine if (thinking of someone I and others don’t always agree with) someone like James Charles made a post broadcasting all the homophobia he dealt with during his career, and I or some other asshole said something “while I don’t always agree with James…” like now isn’t the time. Now isn’t the time to let people you know you disagree with me ESPECIALLY on a post where you agree with me 100%??? What is the point then? You agreed with me, so agree with me. There. No one is saying that you have to agree with everything I say lord fucking knows I don’t always agree with you guys. fucking DUH. It makes me think you just wanted to put that in to lesson me and my words, even only slightly. Why? That hurts a lot, Mel. It really fucking does bruh.

When Rex called her out on it, she deleted the reblog. Not just the meagre little tag but the whole post. If she couldn’t be slick with me, then she wasn’t going to support me at all. It isn’t worth it if she can’t be shady. That’s the message I got from that. Tells me a lot. 

I am not friends with Rex anymore. She’s always been really aggressive and drama craving and I can’t take it. It’s impacting me negatively as well. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t somewhat happy with the screenshots she gave me. Told me a lot about these people I was still willing to talk to. 

Now? I won’t even waste their time.

After all of that. I made the post. The big announcement post. It was too much. I can’t escape the racism in my hometown or in the country in general, but I can leave and distance myself from the fandom. 

I was talking to someone today, and she, as a white woman, admitted that white people act so shitty when it’s implied that they’re racist. Which is so true. 

As I said, people make mistakes. No white person EVER is 0% racist or biased. I’m sorry but it’s not true unless you’re a baby or something. Same goes for other races, but mainly white people who have always had the upper hand, the privilege, the money, the chances, the power, all of that. 

Listen to me. 

When a person of color tells you that you are being microaggressive, biased, ignorant, or prejudice, or straight up RACIST, YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM. Why do you guys get so AGGRESSIVE AND MAD?? That is so fucking WEIRD. 

And yes. I’m talking to you Vulture. 

I really had no ill feelings towards you prior to your comments.

Or your posts. 

peep that clumsily used aave. never fucking talked like that to anyone but me. either way, you sound dumb.

Why?

Why so...mad?

You felt guilty? Why did you feel guilty? 

...I’m gonna let you answer that. 

Moving on. I know that not everything has to be about race. I hate making things about my race. I do, even when I should! But you can be racist unintentionally. Does that mean you’re racist? No! I have yet to receive a genuine apology from any of you, meanwhile, I’ve been over here grovelling and hoping that you like me again. God. Why is it so hard for you to apologize and move on??

No, in that same fucking server, someone sent a racist meme after joking about slavery all day:

And yes, the people in the chat at the time laughed at it... 

I told them that WASNT funny and they freaked out all “WHY CANT I TALK TO PEOPLE IM SO FUCKING STUPID I SUCK” like oh...my god. You guys make it so awkward being black oh my GOD. I- like it makes me never want to say ANYTHING but I know I have to but god what the hell guys???

I wouldn’t really think that the members of the server chat were racially biased if they just accepted the fact that they were micro aggressive and didn’t flip out about it. Not really, at least. That reaction is so- well it’s sus as fuck. People who aren’t prejudiced will apologize, correct themselves and move on. Not dismiss me constantly and DEFINITELY not freak the fuck out. 

I also wouldn’t assume they were racially biased if this SAME EXACT SITUATION DIDNT HAPPEN TO ME BEFORE. 

Yep! On the Beatles Amino, I was called a bully and was reported by the LEADERS. Why? Because I told a curator she was inconsistent with her rules… that’s it. And that was back when I was sugary sweet all the time and was deemed to be a cinnamon roll. Nah. They knew I was black and I got told that people were scared of me and that I was bullying people. Yeah okay. Messaging ONE curator about her rules is the same thing as bullying people. Chile I can’t. And it only happens in the Beatles fandom. But no when someone calls John Lennon a racist it’s all “Zach! Zach! Tell them they’re wrong.” Ugh...

So that’s that on that. I have nothing else to say. Don’t message me about this post if you didn’t read all of this. I’m an idiot and I’m honestly still willing you hear you all out but don’t expect me to ever want to have anything to do with you. Out of the what- 50 people from that server, only two stood up for me? And two separate people APOLOGIZED TO ME. AND THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. That’s a shame. Thank you Johnny, Lenny, Laurie, and Remy. All of your names rhyme and you didn’t make me feel like I was CRAZY, unlike those I mentioned. There’s so much shit going on in the world rn, especially to do with racism. I know that you guys know. But some posts really....really tried me. oh well. I’m black. I like The Beatles. And I’m a victim of microaggressions, false accusations, gas lighting. I’m also out. bye.

black lives matter resources

[thenightling]

The Bullshit I had to deal with on Tumblr Tonight

Okay, buckle up.  This is a long ride, folks.

Some months ago someone posted about having a Discord about The Dreaming (Sandman Universe comic).   I reblogged it as a fellow Sandman fan.  I noticed in the rules there was an anti-Incest rule.  I joked “Whoops, I mentioned Daniel and Ivy.  Guess I broke that rule.”   Daniel and Ivy are canonically a couple in The Dreaming.  Unfortunately they are also technically related as Ivy is the great-grand-daughter of Desire (Daniel’s brother).

Well, the person who created the post blocked me and started to tell people I was pro-incest.  Figuring this was a big misunderstanding I tried to reach out to their friends to set the record straight.  I don’t even LIKE Ivy!  

Then they decided to keep me on block (supposedly) because they felt I was “reblogging everything they post” and “stalking” them.   Honestly, I just follow the “Sandman” tag and hadn’t noticed who I was reblogging from.

I let it be for a long time.  Then tonight I saw a funny post on sandman-headcanons​ page that jokingly called Morpheus “Grandpa.”  I realized quickly that I couldn’t reblog it.  This had happened to me a lot in recent months because the posts in question had passed through the person who had blocked me or originated from them.

 I publicly posted about this frustration tonight.  That was my mistake.   Next thing I know I find out that person was now telling people I ship a “Three-year-old” with an “old man” and they were saying this, out-of-context, to people unfamiliar with Sandman who took the statement at face value.  Needless to say, I was horrified.

Here’s the thing Daniel and Morpheus are technically both “aspects” of Dream of The Endless. That means they are two facets or shards of a greater being who is essentially a great big, divine crystal or jewel.  They are fragment pieces from the same soul.  And I was always speaking of adult Daniel.  Daniel hasn’t been depicted as a toddler since the mid-90s.

And here’s what followed after that...

https://thenightling.tumblr.com/post/189892817243/thenightling-thenightling-thenightling

I was given the ultimatum to delete any posts where I “ship” Morpheus and Daniel and they would consider unblocking me.  As one of those posts had been liked by Neil Gaiman, himself, (author of The Sandman) I did not want to do that.   And I was told “Oh, they already have Neilman on block too.”

(Neilman is a derogatory term used by those who think Neil Gaiman is a homophobe who “doesn’t deserve the ‘gai’ in his name.”)

So I was to choose them or the author of Sandman, Neil Gaiman.  Hmm? 

I got flustered and tried to explain further (suspecting this person I was talking to in direct mesage was the original person on an alt, based on how they wrote) telling me what my ultimatum was.  

And in the process of defending myself and Neil Gaiman I accidentally typed “She” when the person’s pronoun of choice is Xe.  I tried to correct myself but it was too late, that became a new subject of their anger toward me.  They were convinced I had typed “She” on purpose.  I had been using They / them as the pronoun up until that moment and I would never, ever misgender on purpose, even when angry.  They refused to accept it was a typo.    

Still, I was very upset at the misconception that I “ship a three-year-old with an old man.”  That bothers me to no end.  

Realizing there was another “misunderstanding” (and this time an exceptionally gross one) I made a post explaining who and what Daniel Hall actually is in great detail.  I also provided evidence directly from the comics to confirm what I said in that he is no three-year-old.  Not physically, nor mentally.

https://thenightling.tumblr.com/post/189895590768/what-the-hell-is-daniel-hall

They clearly didn’t read this post because they were still referring to Daniel as Morpheus’ “Son” and “heir.” Claiming that Morpheus “groomed” Daniel.  And they referred to Morpheus as Daniel’s “predecessor” (which is something literally corrected as being wrong IN the very story that this person said is their “special interest” that they’ve read multiple times...)

Then the “ask” messages started rolling in...

https://thenightling.tumblr.com/post/189895724368/why-are-you-so-damn-obsessed-with-an-18-year-old

https://thenightling.tumblr.com/post/189895819008/just-because-someone-is-bisexual-and-supports  

This above one you HAVE to read the notes to get the whole thing. Yet again they accuse me of being obsessed with them, without giving me a chance to even answer.   No, I was never obsessed with them (this person). I was just bothered tonight when I couldn’t reblog a post I thought was funny.  

I had lost interest in them possibly unblocking me when I found out they had Neil Gaiman blocked too. I realized I was in good company on that blocked list.   But I will not stomach being accused of shipping a three-year-old.  Especially when that character in canon wouldn’t even be three-years-old right now if he was human.  If he was human he’d be thirty-years-old right now.  He does not look, nor act three-years-old.

(Does that look like a three-year-old to you!?)

https://thenightling.tumblr.com/post/189895950763/yeah-well-you-are-a-dense-motherfucker-answer-my

https://thenightling.tumblr.com/post/189896055598/im-so-fucking-sick-of-you-youre-so-sure-that-youre  

Ironic that they accuse me of bullying while lying about me.  Or they were “misunderstanding the lore” (again...) and shaming me for posts the author had liked and trying to force me to delete and renounce those posts...

Here is the post Neil Gaiman had liked on the subject that they were trying to demand I delete.

https://thenightling.tumblr.com/post/171750432893/why-ive-started-the-crackship-of-morpheus-and

You may also notice the post is two-years-old.   But this became this person’s new excuse for how they were treating me.  

So yeah.   @sorry-for-the-chocolate​​  @zal001​​​ @missghostlymoonshadow​​  @endlessemptynight​ @deathlyendless​ @watertribe-enya​​  @bazpik​​   @hasturlavista​​ @jr4cats​​ @vagaryhexxx​​ @sunagirl​​  @iknowwheremytowelis​

 This is what happened to me tonight.  If you’re wondering why I’m being so antisocial tonight.

Edit: I just realized the most obvious and laughable part in all of this.  “Neil Gaiman is a homophobe!”  Followed by “Take down that gay ship post that he liked!”  ...And they, as well as their friends, don’t notice anything odd about that?!  That’s rhetorical.  

Not to mention I never physically shipped Morpheus and Daniel in any erotic way.  I’m not some horny teenager.  To me it was always about emotional / intellectual connection as equals.  Also in the lore I use, it’s required that Daniel had re-created Morpheus posthumously as a dream entity (See Hob’s dream in Sandman: The Wake), which means technically, in that form Daniel would be the older of the two though both possess over eight billion years of knowledge and memory in their adult minds and bodies.  

[ellerevelle]

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 

I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam. 

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 

No, I have become recently lazy. 

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

 #depression! 

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 

I need a job. 

[shipwrecknights]

SANDIPURWARA 2K19

Ok this is gonna be the longest post ever but i HAVE to write this so bear with me

My annual school theatre production just ended yesterday and the post production blues are at an all-time high. I am terrible at farewells; I’m not a very sentimental guy, not very expressive and I can’t articulate affection well without preparation first. This isn’t my first production, in fact it’s my fourth. I have literally been through this every year for four years in a row and every time it hits hard but this year the feeling is nearly overwhelming. My family and friends always ask my why i keep going back, seeing that the trainings take so much out of me every year. But the fact is, they will never understand. The love that i receive in return from this production....my god. These people are really my family. Never have i met a group of people so easy to talk to, to confide in, who complains so much about having to train and yet come back every day and give it their 80% (lol). I am SO thankful that they are in my life. I’ve watched this project grow over the years and these people have also watched me grow; from an actor in Ziarah and Cinta Mawar, to a scriptwriter in Kalbu and finally a stage manager in Sandipurwara. In 2015 i was a boy with literally no friends in uni, no interest at all in Malay theatre and now I have a 50+ pax strong family gained over the years. In no particular order, these are just some of the people that made Sandipurwara so special for me: To the PDs: Thank you for pulling me into this show. I was adamant about joining intro this year because i felt that i had to move on in life, and that 3 years was a nice number to leave at. When Halijah texted me (nearly begging) to take up the role as ASM, I just thought what the heck. She is my friend and I should help. Halijah and i met in 2016 during Ziarah. We were both cast members and we weren’t close close, but close enough to joke around every day. I always thought she was hilarious. And a very talented actor. She’s the kind of person that makes everyone in the room laugh with her crazy antics, even when the mood is tense, which was almost always the case. I always say to her “Tu lah siapa suruh jadi PD,” not to mock her capability, but just as a running joke because we were always one of the lazy ones who just wanted to go for smoke breaks during training. And yet there she was this year leading the whole ass project. She has balls. The shit that she went through this year. I feel so sorry for always being honest with you, about your leadership style, about the first script that we all turned down, for always replying to you in a stern, I’m-pissed-off manner. You don’t deserve all that. But I’m honest because I always knew you could be better. Four years is a long time!!! You are essentially like my baby sister now. I hope we can hang out more often, go to gigs together maybe. Anyways you fucking did it jah. I couldn’t be more proud of you, couldn’t be more proud to have worked under you. Some people were skeptical when you wanted to be PD but you definitely proved them wrong. I will never forget you and Zu during Ziarah, acting in the training room at block A level 5, getting scolded by Abang Mok, and crying, and STILL continuing the comedy scene. All with tears rolling down your face. Fuck. You were trying so hard and that made me wanna cry too. Congrats Jah. I love you so much and thank you for everything. (anyways emo night pe) As for Naj, we also met in 2016. She acted as the mother of my best friend in the show, and she really suited the role LOL kidding. But Naj is a good actor and dancer, AND a brilliant admin person, something that I can never do ever. What i like about her the most is that she is quiet, takes all the shit she receives and just get the work done without much noise. Basically the opposite of us all. This year she took up the role of APD, and did it while still being herself. I’ve always respected her, seeing her take up so many important roles the past few years. Someone once said to me, Naj is like one of the most senior person here, starting all the way from Iman, but never once did she mention that or use it as a way to assert her seniority. Thank you Naj. The world needs more humble + hardworking people like you <3 And then there’s Shakir. Fucking hell, where do i start. I wasn’t too fond of you when I first met you. Your face and mouth sometimes really mintak kene rembat. But one day it really hit me (and it upset me quite a bit): YOU ARE JUST LIKE ME. Hahahaha fuck we were both cursed with the dying need to speak our minds and filter absolutely nothing. I guess from that day on I just learnt to tolerate your shit because I understand you. You’re probably the most articulate guy in all the intros (but not in malay obviously). Even though your rhyming poems are corny as hell, I respect that you always speak to us in such a concise and inclusive manner, always try to get your opinion across as tactfully as possible, always thinking of how others would feel, even when you’re an insensitive fuck deep down. You always try to mingle with all the departments, which makes it look like you’re friendly, but we all know you just don’t want to feel FOMO. You are the APD that no one wanted but we all NEED. I’m glad we got a bit closer this year because I feel that being so alike, we can learn a lot from each other. Its a shame we didn’t get to see the Jacket Pelacur ™ this year, but we all know you’re busy making moves silently and to that I wish you all the best. I will never forget out stressful trip finding paint and kain, the girls searching for our felt pads while we stand around doing nothing at Spotlight, and you asking me about haram keropok at Daiso wihle I’m almost crying about the damn skirting. Also, good luck with your stint as the MCMS president. You are the first malay-muslim club president that constantly sleeps in girl’s laps, says the f-word, says Bismillah at the end of a speech instead of the beginning, and changes pants at the storage area without the conscience of even closing the door. You do you bro. I will pray that you see the light and be a better person, but thank you for constantly checking up on me and always being a brother. Love you bro #idkmanidk

To my SM Irfan: Bro. Brooooooo. You are one helluva guy. Sometimes I felt that you were overemotional about many things, something that an insensitive guy like me could never understand. But the more you opened up to me, the more I learnt to understand that you just have a very big heart. You get stressed very easily by very small things people say. But that always pushed you to work harder. I always look at you working so hard to plan our PT/crew sessions, and yet some nights you text me shit like im sorry, i feel like im not doing enough as an SM. BRUH. Kau stop it. But that really sums up what kinda person you are. Truly a humble guy that just wants to go around spreading joy to people with his lame-ass puns. I couldn’t have had a better partner. It was tough doing SM things with no third ASM, and come to think of it we been through so many obstacles that only you and I know about. Constantly texting each other about the shit we have yet to do and don’t know how to do, skyping till 3am at night when there’s training at 10am the next morning. It was a great learning process working alongside you. When we hugged just before the last show, you immediately started to cry and that made me tear up, so I pulled away and got the fuck away from you because I didn’t wanna cry as hard. We are two very ugly criers. I am truly sorry if i have ever wronged you, went away to smoke while you’re busy doing stage work, raised my voice at you, and especially sorry that I made you plan all the PT sessions by yourself. I’m sorry if i ever made your life more stressful. Thank you for showering the crew babies with so much love and attention on my behalf. I think your leadership was more than sufficient and that without you, this show couldn’t have been what it was. Love you Erphie baby To Fitri: FITTTTT. I think you were the one who pulled me into auditioning for the first production in 2016. I rmb just randomly coming to the audition and you were being over-appreciative, thanking me for coming haha. You’ve been there for me right from the start. Always supporting me in everything I do, no matter how shitty my acting was, and no matter how bad I was at script writing. You really are the mother of Introspeksi. But you are also like my sister, my teacher, my maid, my best friend, and my girlfriend (rarely). Truly the MVP of Introspeksi, you always selflessly help the PDs and casts every single year, shower us with love and push us to grow. I love that you always tell us to renew our niat whenever we come for training in order to help us get through the exhaustion, the scoldings, and everything negative. I feel sad whenever you get scolded by Abang Mok because I know you’re just trying your hardest to prolong the legacy of this special project. Even though you’re not the pioneer PD of Intro, I feel that you’re the one that started this big family because thanks to you we’re all involved in this crazy business. There’s really nothing I can do to repay you so I’ll just say thank you, for making my life in uni much much better. Continue being the strong, independent and ambitious woman that you are and I’m very sure you’ll be very successful one day. Love you Fit you’re my idol <3

To Zahir: My man. Another person that I’ve been through so much with. I miss our days with izzah and the bebs, sitting at the skatepark and under void decks till 3am, literally laughing till we cry. Those days I will never forget. Acting alongside you in Cinta Mawar, playing two really redundant roles, was also a fun experience although you were upset that your scenes were cancelled on show day hahaha. I knew you always wanted to act some more ever since that show. And then there’s Kalbu, writing the script with you was one hell of an experience, kita kene kecam every training by everyone, script lambat script lambat, script lambat macam cb. (f u shakir) No one knew how hard it was to write such a serious script under close scrutiny of two PDs, numerous advisors, and ofc Abang Mok. And yet I think we managed to have some, if not most, of our ideas remain in the final cut of the script and I’m still very proud of that. I’m sorry for all the times I scolded you, saying you weren’t putting in enough effort, etc. This year you finally got casted as a main and bro I’m so fucking proud of you. Wasn’t confident with your acting at first but during the show, as i watch you and Hidhir from the side curtain, i thought to myself, damn these guys r really trying so hard and it’s really paying off. Your role was really made for you and I’m so happy that your goofing off on stage actually made the show 10x more entertaining. Dalam diam, you’ve contributed so much to the club, and introspeksi, and you did it all while always making everyone laugh. You’re really a one-of-a-kind friend and we all love you. Didn’t really get to show my appreciation to you after Kalbu (idk why we all never post anything) but bro thank you for everything, thanks for the hard work, thanks for all the laughs, for the lepak/jam sessions, the (two) fitspo sessions, for the subtle looks/touches whenever a cute girl is nearby. No matter how rarely we meet I’ll always treasure this friendship man I love you (I ain’t never gonna stop loving you....biiitch) To Jannah: I know I didn’t spend as much time with you this year as I did in the last, but you know I love you janz. Everyone keeps pulling out the “mana nak lepak dgn kita lagi” shit on me, but you were always impartial and the most cool about it. I hope you know that I cherish our time together from Cinta Mawar and Kalbu, no matter how much we drift apart. Anyways congratulations for another brilliant year in acting. From the start, I knew you were our only hope for the cast. You have always been disciplined, practicing at home, staying in character, doing research, coming on time every training, etc. Your dedication to Intro always impresses me. You, Durr, Win, Zahir and me went through so much crazy shit man in Kalbu. I will never forget. All the passive aggressive texts, trying to get me and Zahir to buck tf up, us not meeting all the script deadlines, sharing personal stories with each other, writing the script at Woodlands AND the masjid till 5am, and all the laughter. So much laughter was shared. It feels like there was no proper closure for Kalbu, cos the four of us never really showed our appreciation to each other/say our farewell properly. No idea why. But well here it is now. Thank you Jannah for everything. You were the first person to make me cry backstage before the final Sandi show. Kau just masalah, aku tengok muka kau je nak nangis. AND even when the final show started, when I saw you singing so enthusiastically (and badlly) at the handheld mic on stage left, swaying left to right even when no one was watching, man that made me tear up too. Never stop being you, the kind-hearted, sisterly figure that everyone feels comfortable being with. Lepak soon, love you baby girl <3 To Durr-baby/daddy: What a guy you are. Even though you’re younger, I’ve always looked up to you from the start. Wise beyond your years, you’ve always been that calming voice for when I’m stressed out with Intro. You always help us out so selflessly, sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable/guilty thinking about it. But its ok because you always show how sincere you are when lending a hand. This year, you’re just an advisor, who doesn’t need to come that often. But yet you attend every training, stood alongside Irfan and I, almost playing the role as the third SM. I appreciate every time you take charge and give out instructions to the crew when you notice that I’m stressed out/can’t lead very well. And you do all this without overstepping any boundaries, always respectful to the two of us. And to think you were and APD and VP of the club last year. If all future exco members follow in your footsteps, i’m sure MCMS will breed an amazing group of individuals. Tapi kau pun satu masalah. I clearly said don’t go behind and see Jannah, you will cry. Kau pergi jugak. Kau just nak semua orang nangis dengan kau hahahahahahahaha its ok bro i understand crying hURTS SO GOOD. Thank you Durr for the countless nights of sending everyone home even when you’re exhausted. Thank you for always keeping me and Irfan grounded in chaotic times. Thank you for the kekek times at stage left, staring at the transitions with me and shakir like its visual ganja, muttering those two comforting words into my ear, “double pivot”, and for always reminding me and everyone that letting out our feelings is fucking important to survive. Love you durrbaby stay sweg A special shoutout to the new friends I made this year, Hidhir and Junie. Ya’ll are just gerek. Thank you for joining our intro family even when you really didn’t need to, and for giving your all for every scene. Firstly I have to say y’all (+ Zahir and Hazeeq) made our saturday mornings a living hell. Wake up late, sick, heavy traffic, phone died, and all the cock reasons ya’ll gave. It got to the point that Junie gave me her house number to call her mum to wake her??? Just hal. Sampai show day dia lambat, faham eh. But anyways. I’m so glad you two decided to join this year. Thank you for being so easy to talk to, as a sister and brother, thanks to Hidhir for welcoming us into his home that one fateful night, for always spreading love and hugs and being emotional as fuck during debriefs. Thank you Junie for being so open with us, always sharing your stories, even tho we never ask. Thanks for pushing yourself even with all the heavy criticism from the directors. If you need your mic box to be checked again, just hmu. To Hazeeq, you alr helped us last year in Kalbu, but this year returned again as another main cast. The best part about Hazeeq is that he is friends with e v e r y o n e and always goes around the room to have conversations with every single person. Proper friendly guy, I’m gonna miss your hugs and kisses every night and your “Sorry I’m sorry....she correct.....I wrong.” Stay gold my brotha, a guy like you is not easy to find so pls make sure you never change.

Last but definitely not the least, my CREW BABIES. Y’all are surely an odd bunch, all randomly coming to help our production. But ya’ll are the best crew I’ve ever seen in my 4 years here!!! Never complaining, even when you come to training and do absolutely nothing. Always understanding towards me and Irfan, listening to what we say, and helping out when we don’t know what to say. Working so hard on the sets and props, ya’ll are always on autopilot and didn’t need us to guide you all the time. Thank you Alfiera (you basic bimbo bish), Aliah, D.Hadi, Hadi Shy, Haziq (ma man), Sheeda, Syazwani (non-tudung), Syaza Aliah (my twine girl u saved my life every show ily) and Zana (my only stage left buddy). I love you all I swear. Special shoutout to DIBO DEE, Dibo baby thank you so much for all your help. You’re so crafty and creative and calm and cool when you do work. I love how your voice changes when its time for serious work and how you go around spreading love and giving sweets to everyone. Can never forget the moaning sounds that erupted from your phone during our dry run hahaha U STAY COOL DIBO ILY. And!!! Special special shoutout to my 3 fav crew girls: Rania, Wani and Sofiyah!!! Idk if ya’ll are my adiks or girlfriends but rest assured I love being around you guys and i’m glad we got close thru this show. You’re all too damn young but trust me if i could I’d marry all of you HAHA. To Rania, thanks for being a walking meme factory, I still can’t believe i’m friends with a 19 year old ffs. But hey you have great taste in music just like me. We can have a date lying down on the beach while listening to the XX and Arcade Fire one day ok. Thanks for shaving your legs for me, calling me every day to pray subuh (I don’t deserve you) and for being so candid about yourself to me. I’ll text you if i’m 30 and single ok pls be my backup plan. God bless you baby girl i love you. To Wani, sorry for saying that you’re too emotional when ya’ll were upset after getting shit for wardrobe things. But you’re so cute when you’re mad?? Hahaha and sorry for saying that you’re conservative (tho there’s nothing wrong with that) just because you’re a madrasah girl. Actually you’re pretty open about everything. Thanks for being a kind hearted person, always looking out for me, and putting up with the nonsense that me and Shakir talk about. Love you Wani if you miss me just hmu and I’ll be there. To Sofiyah, uuuu fuckin’ weirdo. I love how casual you are about everything and how I don’t have to think of what I say around you. Also, I admire how you always kept your shit together even when people were shitting on you about wardrobe things. Thank you for picking up the role despite having no experience in past Introspeksis. You did great man. Continue to participate in the coming years and I hope you get a guy as meaty as Hidhir or has a nice body like mine (#2 best body). Please curb your thirst for skinship and kembali ke jalan yang benar. Hahahahahaha love u Soffy baby see u soon xx And to everyone else, those unmentioned, please know that I love you guys too. Nana, Shaik, Yus and Aishah y’all are my seniors who i look up to whenever we’re doing a show and your knowledge and advice are always valuable to us. I always see you guys as who we’re supposed to grow into in the field of arts, even tho korang berbual merepek 75% of the time. Nana your play-flirting makes me turn off my comms headset but you’re an amazing amazing actor, SM, PD, and now lights technician. My respect for you has always been 10/10. This year you never shout at me, very good. Aishah, your acting has always been crazy good and this year you reminded us again. Thanks for being the big sister figure to all of us babies, while at the same time spewing inappropriate sexual nonsense 24/7. You da besttt. Shaik and Yus, thanks for being the big bros that i never had, always so cool and quiet but so talented with the music. And of course the musicians, who practice so hard every day, hitting the rebana till your hands bruise, coming early everyday to go through every riff/melody/tune and taking all the new ideas from Abang Mok and giving it life. Y’all are so amazing and you continue to be the best part of our shows every time. The dancers, I watched you guys train from the start!!!! Honestly it was very scrappy at first, and you guys went through so much drama and changes and getting shouted at, and of course injuries. All the bandages and patches and ankle guards were worth it cos you guys were amazing on show night, I know because I watched from the side curtain every time. Love the fight song number so much <3 For the rest of the cast, those with supporting roles, ya’ll were equally amazing and some of you even with one scene got an ovation from the crowd. Thank you for the hard work day in day out despite not landing a major role; your patience and understanding made the show what it was; a gathering of unique characters from different walks of life all for a single purpose.

Finally, I’m really sorry if i have wronged anyone in any way, which i prolly have. I love all my friends and never have any intention to hurt them. This shit that we did together was SO special and people will never understand the bond that’s been forged here so I hope these friendships lasts for as long as they possibly can. What Yus said was spot on: there is no “final year” or “last show” because Introspeksi is a family and you can never run away from that :’) Ok PEACE OUT ILY’ALL

[undiagnosedautismfeels]

Not A Feel / Questions

- I had a therapy appointment today and he read one of my previous evaluations and said it was really badly written and conducted and that he believes me that I’m autistic and then let me borrow a book of his that’s my special interest!!! (Educational statistics.) 💜🐶

Nice!

- iiaaf when I’m brushing my hair, I nearly cry and get upset because my hair tangles so fast and it makes these irritating noises when I undo the tangled and my brush is constantly tugging bits of my hair, and it all is just. Too Much.

That’s a sensory issue, possibly sensory overload.

- I've never submitted anything to this blog, but I've been following it for ages and just wanted to say I just got my autism diagnosis at the age of 20! I had expected to be doubted more since I'm an adult woman, but the evaluation process wasn't as bad as I was expecting.

Congrats!

- Where is the line between not understanding social rules and CHOOSING to disobey them at the cost of hurting others and being rude or offensive? Like I know some autistics (including myself) struggle with when it is appropriate to say things or why things are rude. But I met someone today who says he’s autistic but then started saying stuff like “I don’t understand/follow social rules” as an excuse for not being politically correct/being outright rude and I can’t tell if he actually doesn’t understand or is using it as an excuse to be an ass. 

Sounds like he’s using it as an excuse. If he’s aware that what he’s doing will offend or upset people then he should know not to do it, even if he doesn’t fully understand why they react that way. Sounds like he’s got some entitlement issues.

- (1) I’ve been shoving the possibility I might be autistic deep deep down for about a year bc I had a friend tell me I use it “as a crutch”. I had yet another person sit me down and try to tell me that I need to stop acting like a baby and.. I had a huge meltdown. “You need to do more things” “sometimes things that are scheduled don’t work out you need to realize that.” “You need to find help if you can’t leave the house without planning it first.” That’s 3 ppl so far who’ve said the same things

(2) it was my bf. I asked him why he was being so rude and he said “if I got that bad I would hope someone would tell me to get off my ass.” But.. I’m literally functioning the most efficiently than I ever have. Im showering every 3 days instead of 7+, I’m cleaning somewhat consistently instead of having a meltdown abt it evry time,I’m working 40 hrs a week and working on getting at least 1 doodle in a week. I just don’t understand.

(3) why do people think autism is the same as a mental illness. I don’t use autism as a crutch. I’m still so shamed of the way I act. I’ve gotten better in some ways, but in other ways I’ve stayed the same since birth. I just need someone to understand. I’m running This efficiently on Empty. No spoons. But people don’t ever see that. They just don’t understand why I can’t do what they can. “Everyone has their demons, I still worked the day my dad died.” this isn’t a demon, it’s a disability.

It’s so horrible how many people are willfully ignorant about these things. My dad says all of that stuff to me on a regular basis and then wonders why I don’t like talking to him (but of course it’s my fault lmao). I’m sorry you’re dealing with all that, but I’m not really sure what advice I could give.

[horansqueen]

A.M. Conversations : chapter 3

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -this may look like a love triangle but ill do my best not to turn it into one. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -read it on 1dff HERE (if you review ily so much) -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST. -please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2

Chapter 3 : Her chapter

Olivia

I moved on the couch slightly, trying to focus on the movie but in all honesty, all I could think about was Harry's text message. The truth was, I had no idea what I was going to answer him. I wanted to see him, it's true, but spending time with Niall was my priority. I glanced at him but he was too absorbed by the movie to notice it. Slowly, I moved closer to cuddle him and he brought his arm that was laying on the couch to wrap around my shoulders. It was out of habit, I knew it, but I enjoyed it anyway.

I pressed the side of my face on his shoulder and closed my eyes for a few seconds. I had no idea how he could smell so good all the time but I was not going to complain. I moved my legs slightly over his thigh under the blanket and this time, it caught his attention.

"You've never heard of personal space, did you?"

I chuckled and tried to press myself even more against him just to annoy him. He groaned and it made me laugh before to grab his face and crush my lips on his cheek grossly. He playfully pushed me away and wiped his cheek, making me laugh even more.

"I'm part of your personal space, Horan!"

He turned his face my way and raised his eyebrows as he stared at me.

"Oh yea?"

"Oh yea!"

I looked at him daringly and we remained motionless for a few seconds before he literally jumped on me. I fell on my back on the couch as he moved over me, holding my wrists with his hands to keep me from moving.

"Let me invade your personal space then!"

I let out a scream as i tried to get out of his grip, seeing his face getting closer. He stuck his tongue out and i started squirming harder beneath him, knowing exactly what he had in mind.

"Not the tongue, no!" I let out loud enough. "Please Niall!"

My pleas didn't stop him and he finally reached my face, sliding his tongue all over my cheek. He started laughing when I screamed again, wiggling even more before letting me go. I quickly wiped my face the way he had a few minutes ago and slapped his arm gently.

"You are disgusting!"

He laughed more and shook his head, moving away from me to let me sit back up. Without any shame, I got closer to him again to cuddle him. He didn't complain and I pressed my nose on his neck, once again enjoying his soap scented skin. I hated it as much as I liked it. Sometimes, to be close to him was torture, but it's as if I actually loved hurting.

My phone went off again, probably to pull me out of my agony, and I heard Niall sigh low next to me. I grabbed my phone and saw an instagram notification.

"Harry Styles has tagged you in a picture?"

I turned to look at my best friend's annoyed face, staring at my phone, but quickly moved my attention back to my screen, clicking on the link. The picture was actually Harry and I on the tour bus, engaged in a pillow fight. I heard Niall scoff and quickly liked the picture before opening my text messages.

‘When are you free this week?’

I hit send but when I turned back to my best friend, he was frowning.

"This week? Already?" he said a bit harshly. "You saw him two days ago."

I kept looking at him for a few seconds until he raised his eyebrows at me, expecting an answer. The truth was, I wanted to spend all my time with Niall, but I also wanted to see what could happen with Harry. I cleared my throat and shrugged, slowly putting my phone away before moving on the couch, trying to find a comfortable position.

"Yea I mean, we get along good."

I tried to be nonchalant about it but I was anything but calm. I didn't know if it was Niall's reaction that made me nervous or the thought of hanging out with Harry but I tried to avoid my best friend's eyes as much as I could.

"Liv, listen to me." My heart skipped a beat but i breathed in and turned to dive my eyes in his. "I'm scared you're gonna get hurt."

His words seemed genuine but they hurt more than I wanted to admit. Was it because he thought I was not interesting enough to get Harry to like me or because I sort of wish the real reason he didn't want me to hang out with Harry was out of jealousy? Or maybe a bit of both...

"Why? Because I'm not pretty enough to hold Harry's attention? I'm not a model? Or a famous singer?"

I didn't even try to make it sound like I was joking. I was upset and hurt and with the look I was sending him, he definitely knew it.

"No!" he let out with a frown. "That's definitely not what I meant!"

I sighed loud and closed my eyes, letting myself lean on the couch. I knew I was the one thinking my own words and doubting myself, but it felt good to know my own best friend didn't think the same.

"It's just... I know Harry, you know?"

I couldn't fight against this argument, I clearly didn't know Harry as well as he did and obviously not in the same context. Still, I saw Harry as a genuine person and I didn't want to see him as anything else but good. I nod slightly and look down before shrugging slightly. I knew I shouldn't keep my hopes up but I did it despite myself.

"I know he's probably just nice to me because he's a nice person, not because he likes me." I shut my eyes tight, trying to keep my feelings inside.  "I mean, he can have anyone right? So there's no reason to want an average nobody like me!"

I scoffed and shook my head, rubbing my eyes roughly and moving slightly away from him. It seemed like the truth behind my own words had just hit me.

"Liv, please, that's not what I said." Niall argued again with a sigh. "But Harry is the kind of person who makes everyone feel special."

I didn't give him time to add anything and just got up, pulling on my shirt and avoiding his eyes, although i knew he was desperately trying to get my attention.

"I need a shower." I just said, walking to the stairs.

I heard him sigh but he followed me upstairs and when i was about to get in the bathroom, he put both his hands on my shoulders and bifurcated in an other direction. I followed him despite myself, trying not to trip, as he walked in the room. He stopped in front of a large mirror and stood behind me. I glanced at his reflection, diving my eyes into his for a second before to close my eyes.

"What now, Niall."

"Open your eyes." he ordered before his voice got softer. "Please."

With a sigh, i finally did what he asked and stared at myself. My hair was a mess an d i suddenly felt very conscious about my thighs and hips since I was only wearing a t-shirt.

"Do you see what I see?"

I grimaced and groaned low.

"I hope you don't see what I see, because what I see is not a good sight."

His hands slipped gently from my shoulders to my arms and he moved closer, so close I could feel the warmth of his body against mine. His fingertips running on my skin made me shiver but I tried to suppress it, slightly scared he'd notice it.

"You don't even think you're pretty?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

I scoffed again and rolled my eyes. Has he just met me? His hands moved to my waist, barely touching me, but for some strange reason, i was well aware of them being so close to my body.

"Niall, you know i'm quite average." I mentioned, looking at him in the mirror this time. "I'm okay with that I guess, I just hate looking at myself half-naked in a mirror."

At my words, he gripped the sides of my shirt with both his hands and i held my breath. His eyes met mine in the reflection and we stared at each other way too long as his fists pressed against my waist, pulling on the fabric of my shirt and molding my chest slightly more. It bothered me to see myself like that but i liked the closeness of his body way too much to say anything.

"You're beautiful, Liv."

I swallowed hard at his words, trying to hold back the tears inside. I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry because of his words, or because I clearly couldn't see it, or even maybe because I thought he was lying, but it didn't matter. My feelings were all over the place and I could barely recognize myself anymore.

I felt his fingers loosen the grip on my shirt and brush against me again and I had to swallow again, but for a different reason this time. As much as I liked joking with Niall about not wanting to kiss him, or being grossed out by the thought of touching his genitals, I knew I was lying to myself. A big, fat and horrible lie that made me survive through so many years of simple but deep friendship. A lie that I had such a hard time to keep running and believing in.  That was why I needed to see Harry and find out if he was interested or just being nice, because being around Niall was harder every day, and that's something that was just hitting me at this exact moment, now that he was staring seriously and fondly at me, his body close to mine. Those months we spent together on tour had brought us even closer, even if i didn't think it was possible and everything I didn't have with him was not even more obvious.

"Do you really think so?"

I kept my voice low, almost inaudible, because I knew talking louder would betray me, I knew my voice would break. His face became even more serious and he finally nodded.

"Yes, I really think so." he pointed out firmly. "You're beautiful."

The fact that he repeated it put emphasis on his words and once again I had to swallow. This time, it was a lump stuck in my throat. I felt his fingers slip on my sides, touching my hips lightly and I could sweat I saw him shiver. It made my eyes open wider but I tried to get back to my senses. I had imagined that.

"And if Harry is not an idiot, he will see it too and give you two a chance."

What about you, Horan? Are you an idiot?

Those words echoed in my head but i didn't have the guts to let them out. Just thinking about how things would change between us made my heart ache. No, I didn't love Niall, not this way. I liked Harry. I had feelings for Harry Styles and that was it.

I cleared my throat and sent a smile to his reflection, mouthing a 'thank you'. He smiled back and slapped my ass, making me jump and let out a short scream.

"Come on, we have a movie to watch!"

"Hey, that hurt, Horan!" I let out, looking at him with raised eyebrows.

It made him laugh, throwing his head back and I ran after him, jumping on his back. He lost his balance but managed to make us fall on the bed. We laughed more as I rolled away from him, against the pillow. That was it, the serious but slightly awkward moment was over but it made me realize that we had more and more of these and I wasn't sure how I felt about them.

We heard his phone ring and we both got up with a sigh, pulling on out shirts. I followed him downstairs and he checked his text messages, his facial expression suddenly changing, but i couldn't decipher what it meant and it bothered me.

"Who was that?"

Niall glanced at me and shrugged but the way he avoided my eyes was bothering me.

"You remember Heidi?"

If I remembered Heidi? Long dark hair, even longer legs and an evil smile? I can never forget about her. She loved no one else more than herself, which in itself, is not a bad thing, but she also thought everyone else should love her the most, which made her the most annoying person I had ever met.

"Yea, what about her?"

He shrugged again, still not meeting my eyes. That was bad, that was very very bad.

"She's around town, she wants us to meet."

I swallowed to push down the lump in my throat but it didn't work, it was still there. In Niall's world, "to meet" meant "to fuck" and i felt my heart twist in my chest.

You're beautiful Liv, but in a few hours im gonna bury my dick deep in an other girl's pussy because all you are to me is a friend.

I shook my head at this thought and rolled my eyes. I never liked her but at this exact moment, It's a feeling of hatred that was running inside me. I tried not to let it show and shrugged like him.

"Are you gonna see her?"

It took him a few seconds to answer me and I watched him type quickly on his phone, feeling my heart twist in my chest.

"Mm?" he started before to look up in my eyes. "Oh, yea, we're gonna go to a bar tonight. Wanna come with?"

I was surprised he was inviting me but in the end, I knew he was gonna end up spending the night with her and that thought made me want to throw up. I managed to pretend I didn't care and shrugged again but before I could answer anything, he kept talking.

"You should invite Harry, too."

A few minutes ago, he was telling me Harry was gonna hurt me and now, he was proposing us to hang out. I was a bit confused by his behavior but I just let out a sigh that he didn't notice.

"Alright, i'll text him."

I was glad Harry had agreed to come with us because being around Heidi and Niall was seriously painful. Watching them interact made my heart twist, shake and shatter in my chest, over and over again. She laughed too loud at anything remotely funny he said and took advantage of every chance she had to touch him. I saw her flirting with him and it made me realize that I had no idea how to flirt. I literally sucked at it.

Harry came back with a drink for me and I tilted my head, sending him a smile. I was grateful he was there to make me smile. The table was not big but Niall and Heidi acted like we weren't there and it made me wonder why Niall invited me in first place.

"Are they always like that?"

I hadn't seen Heidi many times, just enough to be aware of my best friend's reciprocal attraction for her, and it was already too much. Harry laughed next to me, his dimple popping out, before diving his eyes into mine.

"Yea, pretty much."

I groaned and grimaced despite myself.

"Did they fuck often?"

I was not the type of person to be vague, i liked when things were clear and by then, I was pretty sure Harry was well aware of that. Still, he laughed again at my forwardness.

"I'd say.. once every other month? Maybe more?"

I raised my nose in disgust, staring at my best friend as he whispered something in Heidi's ear, making her burst into an exaggerated laughter again.

"Does it bother you?"

I turned to Harry to deny his accusation but when my eyes meet his, he's smirking and I admire the way his lips curled, digging that amazing dimple that I can't help but always notice.

"Why would it bother me?" i simply ask with a shrug.

"I don't know, you seem jealous." he teased me again, hitting my shoulder gently with his.

"Me? Jealous of long-legged barbie?" I scoffed, knowing I was anything but credible and it made him chuckle.

I laughed with him and let my head fall down with a smile, totally defeated. I couldn't hide this feeling, at least not to Harry.

"Yea, maybe a little." I finally admitted, looking back up at him with a guilty expression. "I know I'm not a star or a famous actress and even if it's not legit, it makes me fear he's gonna forget about me, someday."

I had talked low enough, just to make sure Niall wouldn't hear me, but I knew my insecurities were not based on anything. Niall had proved many times he would always keep me in his life. The problem was, this fear, even if not rational, was still alive and very tough to control.

Harry and I looked at each other for a few seconds before he finally grabbed his glass, drinking what was left in it and putting it back roughly on the table. I glanced at Niall who didn't even notice before turning my attention back to Harry.

"Okay, let's go to the dance floor!"

I chuckled and quickly shook my head, sending him a confused look.

"I can't dance, trust me. You don't want to be seen on a dance floor with me!"

He bent down a bit, moving his face closer to mine, and it made my heart jump inside my chest. Even from so close, Harry didn't have any physical flaw and i let my eyes roam on his face. He probably noticed because his lips curled, making me lick mine.

"I'll lead, come on."

I let him take my hand and pull me to the dance floor but as he started moving, I realized his moves were very random and i laughed. He pulled on my arm again and made me twirl, bringing an even bigger smile on my lips. I felt my whole body burn when it pressed against his and the feeling of his hands slipping on my waist brought a sensation of lust running all over my body. He leaned closer to me, so close I could feel his warm breath on my neck.

"I knew you could dance."

The tone of his voice made me quiver and I whimpered low, hoping he didn't hear anything and closing my eyes. His arm moved around my waist and brought me closer as his lips brushed on the skin of my neck. I didn't know why he was doing that but I didn't care. I really liked it, way more than I should. Niall's words came back to my mind suddenly, taking me out of my fairytale, and my eyes opened wide and quickly.

"I want an other drink."

I slipped out of his arms and got back to the table, grabbing the pitcher and pouring myself a glass. I was waiting for Niall to make a comment about me drinking beer but he didn't and I knew it was probably because he was not paying attention to me at all, too focused on the girl he was going to spend the night with.

Harry sat next to me, his hand sliding gently on my back before moving to grab himself a drink too. I felt bad and if I wanted to be honest, I was not sure exactly why. I swallow my drink a bit too fast and quickly poured myself an other one.

"You alright?"

I didn't dare to look at Harry and simply nodded. What was wrong with me? I wanted this, I wanted to be closer to Harry. I wanted to find out if something could happen between us. Niall's warning shouldn't get to my head, right? It shouldn't stop me from letting Harry in. My eyes moved up to look at him and he quickly looked away. Was Niall staring at me? It was probably just in my head. Perhaps, the alcohol was getting the best of me and making me see things. Niall was way too absorbed by Heidi to give me attention. That thought made my heart twist in my chest and i tried to swallow the sadness. Without thinking, I got up and sighed.

"I need something stronger."

[crossgartered]

P5R Liveblog (13/?)

Haru arc

[[MORE]]

Oh...? Are you hung up on Wakaba, too, Doctor?

Oh, Rumi. ...Who's Rumi?

IS IT KASUMI'S SISTER??? bc you know there's weird stuff going on there

Probably not but this is for wild guessing anyway

If we can believe Kasumi then her sister is younger than her

And that'd be pretty weird to talk about in a romantic context

The problem is if kasumi is to be believed

she's dead I know she's dead I don't think she knows she's dead but she's super dead

Or in a coma I guess but let's be real here

I don't trust Shibusawa in the slightest. He's definitely going to try to take that research. I wouldn't be surprised if he was one of those men in black suits, either. He's rich - he goes to the Wilton on a whim, with his "buddies" - he could definitely be one of Shido's men.

OMFNDJD THIS LES MIS KNOCK OFF FILLS ME WITH JOY

Hoo boy. Maruki... I don't think you'll be very pleased with our answer. I do think you have good intentions, now, but you will definitely be an antagonist here.

I'm still really impressed with Chihaya. She really thought that the protag would hate her once she told her story, that her fortune said he was supposed to hate her, and she "never thought [he] would overturn even that fate". And yet, she told him anyway.

A Yusuke & Ann showtime!! : D I wonder what it'll be like?

THATS SO INCREDIBLY ANIME I LOVE IT

Haru idolizing superheroines vs Ann idolizing lady villains fight

I cannot waittt to see what they do with cognitive Haru, if they decided to make her this time around

YUSUKE CAN DUPLICATE IN PALACES?!?!?

A Will Seed with lasers barring the way? Interesting.

FUTABA FINISHING TOUCH FUTABA FINISHING TOUCH!!!!

Huh, it's kinda goofier than I was expecting.

"When a person is continually faced with oppression, they come to welcome its presence." Yusuke : (

"Such psychological trickery is being used here. I... experienced it first-hand for many years." YUSUKE : C

It's kinda nice that those workers are being blocked by lasers instead of us being too intimidated by their number to just go after them. ...Am I remembering this correctly?

Oh, Noir... I'm glad I get the option to ask if she's okay.

The Yumizuki High uniform really does suit Yusuke.

I wonder if there's a way to talk to people about their outfits.

Does Futaba's thing happen in place of Joker's, now? That's kind of a shame

HEY DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO HAVE FUTABA SHOWTIMES?!?????

Airlock time.

Man I want to see robot/cyborg Haru so badly come on Okumura I know she's here

This stuff about being okay for 30 sec as long as you close your eyes and mouth sounds wrong but I don't know enough about the condition of the human body in space enough to dispute it so okay I fuess

Anyway this is run by clap your hands if you believe kinda magic so it doesn't really matter anyway (also, thank god for Futaba saying that it'd work)

It's interesting - space factories/stations aren't a typical heist target (nor are castles, tbh, but museums, banks, pyramids, casinos? Naturally) (space stations in general can be, in the right genre. But this is set up a bit unusually for that). Corporate offices of shady companies, however...

Spaceeeeee ahdskdjs this is SO COOL

what the fuck what the fuck was something else going through the airlock?!?!

Ugh, how aggravating. I had been able to get the Will Seed the entire time until I pulled the lever that allowed me to progress

What is this shadow???? I'm not sure I know it! "Pagan savior", huh?

No, guys, there's another airlock room. Stop saying 'the treasure is just beyond that door!' when there is a whole other area/floor to go through. Especially since you have a map

Futaba gets motion sickness...oh no I'm so sorry ;u;

I...actually remembered the first half of the solution to the transfer line. I got out of there in practically no time. Heck yeah!

"Thou hast to awakened to the ultimate secret of the Sun, granting thee infinite power..." Yoshida...! TAT

I always end up maxing him right around the end of Okumura's Palace. I feel so bad. His newfound popularity is gonna absolutely tank soon. ;-;

Man, who even gets elected after the populace starts caring again? I don't know how Japanese politics works, really, like at all, honestly, but probably he has a subordinate who can take his place. But like, his whole crew's gotta be corrupt, right? Especially someone who'd be his replacement. Though honestly, considering how paranoid he got by the end, he probably chose someone weak-willed in order to prevent

Oh wait hold on I just looked up how this works. Apparently, uh...

Huh. I'm not sure if the cabinet resigns if the prime minister does usually or if that's just if the house passes a vote of no confidence. But, the prime minister appoints the ministers, so if the prime minister changes then there could be an issue there, probably?

But anyway. Looks like the Diet would immediately try to vote for a different person once the prime minister seat is vacant.

Huh, I wonder who gets voted in, then. Well, we only know of 2 candidates other than Shido, and Yoshida doesn't have the funding or even (yet) the popularity to become prime minister, so Matsushida is really the only other choice unless they pick someone we haven't heard about.

Oh my GOD I hate the school. They're being such assholes to Kasumi. She got 3rd place!!! That's amazing!!! This isn't even a school specializing in gymnastics!!!!!! YOU SPECIALIZED IN VOLLEYBALL AND EVEN IF THAT WERENT THE CASE YOURE TERRIBLE

*ahem* Anyway.

You can tell that Maruki is quietly pissed and honestly? Valid. Super valid. Same, Maruki, same.

She's not gonna get that text, with how her phone is.

"we took in those sisters to improve Shujin's standing, but at this rate, we're only going to end up suffering for it." Oh??? Oh??????

"not only have we lost one of them, but the other ones not doing us any good. Talk about a waste of effort..." Hooooly shit you asshole

Wait, hold on, it's October already????!? November's just a month away!! I have less than 3 months for social linking! And I still haven't maxed knowledge or kindness! (Or guts, but whatever) I've only maxed 1 person! Although I'm close to maxing Ryuji & Ann & Yusuke. And some npcs

AHHHHH CUTSCENE CUTSCENE!!!!

So the keywords - lab, stadium, and ... Either Maruki or Kasumi for the person. OH MAN AND EITHER WAY IM ALREADY IN MY PHANTOM THIEF CLOTHES

ONE OF THEM DOESNT TRUST ME

It's probably Maruki, right? Bc of the lab... But also I thought the whole wish fulfillment thing was going to be his cogpsi project... With the help of Jose, maybe...

Speaking of Jose, Jose looks like a toy, especially with that hair and those ears. I wonder what material he's supposed to be? Based on the ears I'd say plastic, maybe, but the hair looks more ceramic to me.

Anyway, back to the relevant FUCKING PALACE WOOHOO

I haven't even sent a calling card for Okumura yet so we're not dealing with this anytime soon

Ooh, this music... <3

Oh man, I totally forgot I had Morgana in the maid costume. I gotta get him into something more serious

Why is dancewear not the p5dsn costume??

This is...really empty...

I am suddenly really scared at what the people are going to look like

There are pigeons here...

But wait, if this is Maruki's Palace, then this is bc of all his grief... He doesn't want anyone to hurt, ever again. The people will be their ideal selves, probably...

...I'd love to see a cognition of myself, tbh. That won't happen, but I'd love it.

This place is really beautiful... With the music it seems like a sad place...

Look at all these wires

That's probably the sister, right?

Unless that's the cognition of Yoshizawa when she was alive and her current self is her ideal self.

The shadow attacked the cognition???!?!

YUP this is definitely Maruki's Palace

Hmm. Interesting.

Oh, Cendrillon really is perfect for her, huh.

SHES DOING A MAGICAL GIRL TRANAFORMATION WHAY

WHAT

WHY????

IM NOT UPSET ITS JUST A LITTLE WHAT????

Does her outfit look like mine a little bit bc she's using me as a role model for her source of confidence - confidence that she is using/interpreting for her inner rebellious spirit?

Wait, lost my train of thought

Aww, I mistimed that. I was hoping to get a Kasumi finishing touch

MORGANA-SENPAI

It is definitely an unfair consequence

Oh, so that's why, narratively, her phone sucks. It's to prevent us from figuring out whose Palace it is.

Yeah, this time it's entirely on you, Morgana.

... it's because of gymnastics? And not because you disagree with us on an ideological level? ...okay. sure. Whatever.

Hoo boy. This is gonna suck when Okumura has his mental shutdown. I wonder how she'll react.

She is of the Faith arcana, whatever that means. Maybe she'll keep faith in me? I did max her half-confidant

It's cool, Kasumi. I really didn't do much. You may have a debt of gratitude or whatever but like you don't actually need to repay it. Just keep being my friend and maybe one day you'll quit keeping score

*sigh*

If only. Too bad you're probably dead.

SHOWTIME WITH HARU? SHOWTIME WITH HARU? PLEASE?

Oh, Mona-chan. I figured as much, but I was still hoping...

Anyway, Haru&Mona showtime still very good!

Man, I would kill to hear their explanations for what they're doing.

...this is incredibly violent, isn't it? I anticipate it with bated breath

Oh man, can you imagine a showtime with Kasumi? Maybe with Akechi, if Atlus isn't going to give me one

Which, fair enough, from a gameplay standpoint

Still. : (

"the Phantom Thief Basic Training"?

Oh, good, we're actually addressing cognitive people with Haru.

Oh, this is either gonna suck if they address the implications, or we're gonna see cognitive Haru. >: 3

Dream world, huh...

THE YUSUKE-HARU FRIENDSHIP IS SO UNDERSTATED AND UNDERRATED I WANT MORE CONTENT

THERE SHE IS!!! THERE SHW IS!!!!

Oh, man, I had a lot of feelings during that fight. That time limit though

I like how they updated this fight

Although I think I'm a little underleveled, potentially. I could not destroy her before she self-destructed, and it took me a while to beat the chief directors and executive director. Oneshotted Okumura himself, though.

OH MAN I SHOULD HAVE READ THIS BILLIARDS BOOK EARLIER

I DIDNT REALIZE I COULD INCREASE MY TECHNICALS????

I already thought that technicals were beefed up from how they were - I guess this is part of that!

Wish I had another book on kindness, ugh.

SO THATS HOW THEY CHANGED POSITION HACK

Ann & Haru have such similar colors. I wish they would have darkened Haru's a little bit more

Wait I never got to see the Haru-Mona showtime

I even had both in my party : (

GOD IWAI YOU'RE SO SHADY

I forgot to start his social link until now whoops

Although I've only had my guts high enough for past ~2ish weeks so there's that at least

Guh, I have to get to Mementos and start up Shinya's...

How many part-time jobs does this have? Like, 5? Maybe 6, if you count him helping out Sojiro? The convenience store, the beef bowl place, the flower shop, Crossroads, and now the gun shop. Anything I'm missing? I feel like I'm missing one.

Desire & Hope is really pretty. The Desire underneath is kinda weirdly desaturated compared to the hope, though. Not sure if it actually works as well as Desire did by itself. Idk. They're both good, but I liked how Desire looked a bit more. I understand that D&H has personal meaning, though. Who knows, maybe in person I would feel differently

I kinda really like that Yusuke tends to go more abstract with his stuff, even if he does try out a bunch of different styles

Maxing Yusuke. And thank god for Affinity Readings. Finally got Ryuji at a point where I can max him.

Oh. I had forgotten how Kamu Susano-o looks. ...

[tumblunni]

Man its so weird to think back and see how many signs there were that I was transgender long before I realized it. I was SO fucking oblivious, I had no clue that being nonbinary was even an option, all I knew was 'well I don't wanna be the opposite gender but I don't wanna be the one I was assigned at birth'. (Except obviously I didn't even know the correct words to describe it) And like... I bought into A LOT of horrible transphobic bullshit, cos I was raised with a biased view of what being transgender even is. 'Trans-sexual people are turned on by wearing women's clothes'. Ugh. And I was completely disgusted by it, since I'm a sex repulsed asexual and everything about foreplay or whatever disgusts me. My parents and pop culture and stuff all treated it like trans people were the equivelant of someone into BDSM wearing nipple clamps out in public or something. 'Well in theory I have nothing against them having that kink, but why do they have to show it in public?' Being trans was ALWAYS only shown as 'oo kinky I like to crossdress in the bedroom', as if it was a fucking sexuality, as if there was NO OTHER REASON why someone would wanna wear the 'wrong' clothes and use the 'wrong' pronouns. I felt viscerally disgusted at myself whenever I didn't want to wear my birth gender's cliche outfits, I denied absolutely everything cos I didn't want people to think I was a pervert. I didn't even know it was POSSIBLE to be transgender and asexual, or even that being transgender wasn't the same as being gay! I said SO MUCH fucking horrible transphobic and homophobic stuff as a kid, just parroting what I was told, and overcompensating for hating myself by making it clear I hated everyone remotely similar to me. While being in huge denial that they were similar to me! And I'm gonna carry these regrets forever and always worry that I stopped someone else from feeling comfortable about theirself and just... GAHH! And I did all the same too about parroting stereotypes of 'crazy people' and 'r*tards' before I learned that this big ol stereotype about autism was bullshit and real autistic people look EXACTLY LIKE MYSELF It just makes me think a lot about how many other people out there might be trans and not have the ability to find out because they've been buried so utterly in this false, bigoted image of what a trans person actually is. Tho also I hate the dumb stereotype that 'all homophobes are secretly gay', like seriously wtf why u wanna escape all responsibility for your actions and say the only problem is gay people systemically oppressing THEMSELVES... ANYWAY I went off on a sad train of thought there but back to the point! I'm just remembering this one part of a school trip that was like one of my most treasured memories for no logical reason until I realised I was trans. I met a new classmate and he mistook me for the opposite gender, and I was like 'HOLY SHIT WHY AM I HAPPY' until someone else 'corrected' him. I mean.. I knew I wasn't that gender either, but it felt like a weight off my shoulders to at least be misgendered the opposite way for once. I felt inexplicably happy that I was looking ambiguous enough to even be in question! And this was when I was like 11, I had no clue what word to even assign to these feelings... And I mean, it was SO DUMB that I never noticed these signs! This is what internalized transphobia does to you! Like 'hey there's probably no reason at all why I always play as a different gender ever time I buy a pokemon game, and get this self hatey feeling in my gut when both options have very stereotypically gendered costumes'. And 'wow there sure is no reason why I got inexplicably attached to this genderless character and can't stop thinking about ways to prove they aren't real'. Seriously all that debate about 'quina is really a girl/boy' with weird evidence in stat builds and equip items and stuff! I got REALLY into that transphobic bullshit cos it was something that shook up my perception of the world and I felt like if not being either gender was ACTUALLY AN OPTION then id have to address painful things about myself. If I knew I could be that, I couldn't keep lying to myself. So I went in aggressive denial mode and missed this chance to come out of the closet at like 9 years old and save myself a damn lot of trouble! And then I just went through the same bullshit at 14 with Chrona from Soul Eater, and could not explain why on earth I was so upset that the English dub assigned them a random gender instead of translating it properly... And OH MAN how fucking dysphoric I was about puberty even before I knew that dysphoria was a thing! It was like 'hey look you're growing up!' 'NO IM NOT DEAR GOD NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN'. And that led to this stupid thing of me just saying 'well I have the mental age of a seven year old LOL' to excuse whenever I acted 'weird'. My forum avatar and stuff was a doodle of myself in chibi form, etc. (Even literally wearing chest binding... I only knee at the time that it was 'a martial arts thing' tho.) Like, I'd got all these messages that not wanting sex was 'childish' and not wanting my body to change was obviously 'immature', and when I was undiagnosed with mental illness and trying yo make up excuses for how I TOTALKY didn't have a mental illness, all I could say was 'ha ha I'm totally uhh... Doing it on purpose? Cos I'm so... Quirky?' I got obsessed with overacting as a class clown, cos I mean you can also excuse cross dressing as a thing that 'the comic relief character' does... And OH MAN, like my big Special Interest throughout all of high school was Norse myth, more specifically Loki. I was FASCINATED with the idea of a shape shifter who could be either gender, and was completely unashamed about it. And, of course, I used to play it off as 'ha ha isn't it so funny he turned into a girl', when I seriously did not have any clue WHY it was funny, I just thought I had to say it. It HAD to be the reason I was so sympathetic yo this character, right? Because he's A FUNNY JOKE?? And man then I got so obsessed with researching non gendered English pronouns from the 18th century and championing how they should totally come back into modern language and EVEN THEN I was in denial! It took until I played Magical Diary to realise 'well fuck I'm trans'. It took a game outright saying that these genderless pronouns arent just 'to be inclusive of both genders' but can be used for A THIRD GENDER, A GENDERLESS GENDER, A BOTH AND/OR NEITHER GENDER!! A game saying that this gender does exist in human beings, and EVEN THEN I took ages to be sure that it was really real and not just a fantasy thing that the game made up. I mean, quina was totally only genderless cos they're a magical creature, right? (Completely ignoring the fact that the other two members of that magical creature town are both male...) And just.... AAAAAAA I feel like I'm the human personification of that 'no Patrick, put it on the lid' meme No, you're trans. No, TRANS. Trans, bunni! TRANS!! This is what societal prejudices do to people. Even LGBTQ people usually grow up within homophobic, transphobic society, absorbing all the same messages. It destroys our ability to be okay with being ourselves... Its so fucking sad that this happened to me, and it hurts even more to think of all the times I said insensitive offensive stuff to other LGBTQ people back when I thought I was cis and straight... Gahhhh... ALSO, it makes me extra sad that Summon Night: Swordcraft Story 2 never got released in Europe. There's a character there called Arno who's NB and very out about it, and the English translators didn't make a mess of it, or anything. People actually call Arno 'they', and literally their catchphrase is 'Are you a boy or a girl?' 'I'm just a child of the wind~' Like seriously NO ambiguity, character actually getting to dish out sick burns when being misgendered, absolutely NO room for the ol 'well they just don't MENTION a gender, it doesn't mean they were intended to be nonbinary' excuse. Arno outright stating 'I am not a boy, and I an not a girl'. And your protagonist respecting it! Arno is still my absolute fave best handled nonbinary character in all of games. And the summon night series is very inclusive with a lot of gay romance options! Its a shame tho that the only other game with a nonbinary character was never dubbed even in america. But apparently the protags of previous games get a cameo in the upcoming Summon Night 6 which finally will be released in Europe! I just hope they handle Corlal's pronouns respectfully, considering how they managed to do it so well a decade ago with Arno. But then again the Swordcraft Story series is a spinoff so the main games might have different translators? Anyway, let me hug my tiny enby dragon child! Also I'm sad the cellphone app trading card game never got dubbed either, cos Corlal got some cute cards for the valentine's day event. All three dragon kids just got adorable scenes making platonic family chocolate for their siblings cos they're too young to really participate. And they thankfully got super cute totally non-lolicon maid and butler outfits like SERIOUSLY THANK GOD FOR THAT! Just cute ten year olds playing dressup like normal kids. Corlal got two cards for that one! Them being nonbinary continues to be 100% canon, they got a version with both a dress and a tuxedo. AND ITS SO FUCKING CUTE MY GOD ...man I'm sorry this just went off topic into how great that series is But anyway! If I've ever said anything that offends you, please message me about it! I'm still unlearning a lot of internalized prejudice. Also if you want a quality nonbinary werewolf in a cool side scrolling GBA jrpg, look for Arno! Im on mobile rite now so I can't send links n stuff, but as soon as I finish moving my PC desk to the other room I shall spam you all with my obscure fandom's!!!

[kimboly27]

People are strange........

I’ve been meaning to get back on here and just say whats on my mind and so im going to start with the interesting world of people and us as humans. Some of this may not make any sense to anyone and thats ok but for me, i like to just talk and see what happens.

But before i get to where i am now with people,i sort of have to go back to where my thoughts on people sort of changed over the years......

November 4th 2011 and i lost my dad in one of the most horrific traffic collisions to happen in the UK. The first 3 to 4 years from that were hell and i can easily admit that. From that day my whole life was turned upside down and changed. Going through court cases,enquiries,the press hunting you down,people either being there for you or not being there at all. Something like that effects people differently. I’ve seen the best in people over the years and I've also seen the worst for whatever reasons. But my attitude to people has changed since then and continues to do so.

With all that going on as well i also went through a real shitty relationship with a right bastard. Im not sorry for saying that either as he really was. He was a narcissistic wanker who took full advantage of me going through some real shit stuff to then being his punching bag. Thankfully only mentally but the damage was done and its taken me a few years to get over such a person who treats another person like shit. When you are one minute made to feel like the most important person in the world to then the shit on the bottom of someones shoe,oh boy does it mess you up. But saying that,the best thing that asshole ever did was end it with me and F off somewhere up north. He will forever be a F up and continue to abuse people/woman because he is just pure evil and will never get help for his many many issues and will NEVER be happy and that tbh makes me happy,but of course i dont think about that waste of breath anymore,but soon it’ll be i think 5 years since he ended it and i got away from all that bs and i could not be happier. Yeah sure i had to start from scratch mentally on myself as that f***er took every bit of confidence i had in me and destroyed me, but i can now at least say i have never been happier.

With becoming happier and more confident again i see the attitudes and responses i get from people. After dealing with a narc my view on people,male or female is well lets say guarded i guess. If you know me well enough,you’ll know i’ll talk to anyone about anything,but for me it takes me a while to make sure whoever this person is,is a good person and actually will have a positive vibe for me to go with. That might sound crazy and like ‘’Wtf kim you cant judge people like that’’ but actually i can. Its a simple thing of i dont have time for bull shitters,attention seekers,time wasters,two faced assholes,backstabbers etc. Within a short space of time i make up my mind about people pretty quickly on if i want to spend more time with them or not,and its shame we live in world where people get so bloody upset by this notion. Its simple really. If i think you are an idiot or not someone i want to spend my time with then i wont and there is nothing wrong in that. Relationships will always facinate me and amuse me because my life is so different from others. Example point - Actually being someone again. I am very independent nowadays and tbh for anyone to try and break through that then bloody good luck lol But i am single by choice because i do actually really love being on my own but also i know deep down i cant commit to anyone due to being a full time carer to my mum. If anyone special came into my life they would have to deal with being second best as my family come first and foremost before anything else. If they can deal with maybe seeing me once or twice every few weeks and stuff like that then go for it. But i dont think there is many people that could deal with my lifestyle. I am use to the crazy of it but its wrong to ask others to be in my life with all that i have on. Yeah sure i’ve met some wonderful people i thought maybe it might work out with but sadly it was not meant to be and im ok with that as they are still very dear friends to me.

This may sound crazy too but i have rules,as it were,when it comes to people/social media things like that. Now yes social media to me can be a blessing and a curse. I have all sorts of pros and cons over the years of it,but normally sadly it does come down to the stupid people on the other end of it. One example of many. So i go to a lot of comic cons and have done since 2015 when i first met Matt Ryan at Wales comic con and fell in love with the Assassins Creed games. Since then i have been so lucky to meet a few of the Va’s of the games from older to newer games and continue to do so and also support them in any other work they also do. Anyway coming back to social media and at cons if there is an AC guest there i will,if i can try and get said guest(s) involved in AC cosplay meet ups and i have been SO lucky to have had the chance to work with some fantastic VA’s over the years and make it happen. Sometimes i’m not even holding the meet up myself but the VA has asked me if its ok to go along and i take them which im so so humbled by. But anyway back to the example of idiots and social media. Before the last AC game come out,i had taken a little time away from gaming all together due to home life taking a more important role to play that needed my time and attention. Now any normal human being would actually understand this and respect this but i did try and keep people posted on any cons and events the AC cast were appearing at. I was in one AC group that sadly was run by some real ego maniacs and people that cant organise a piss up in a brewery and also just very bitter and jealous people when it came to others achieving something in the AC world. Like my god the attitude some of these assholes would show, was just disgusting and it killed my passion and excitement for the new game. They would make fun of cosplayers that had worked bloody hard on their cosplays in the messenger we had set up for the FB page that i was apart of and just talk shit most of the time,and other times not even AC related. But anyone like i said last year was a bloody hard one for me mentally with things going on at home and i had no time or patience for idiots. 

Last May just as i was on my way to London MCM i found out on the bus itself,that the game shop i was working in was going to close and i was gutted. Now i had ONLY decided to go to MCM to see the lovely Victoria Atkin and Patrica Summersett who are fantastic ladies in the VA world and have been in many games over the years so having been asked by Vic herself to be there and also part of the meet up that was happening,i got myself a friday and saturday ticket. London mcm is always a manic one but ok if you know where and when you need to get done things like that. The friday was more of a chilled day con wise and time to see Victoria and meet Patricia for the very first time and she was just fantastic! (More on that later) also some other VA’s as well that i hadnt met before or had seen and wanted to catch up with. Now before Vic and Patricia were announced i wasnt actually going to attend but was basically asked to by Vic so should and Patricia could come to the meet up. Great! No problem at all i though.........

I was nervous about telling the idiots in the fb group i was with,that i was going to be bringing along special guests because my god this lot dont have make easy things more bloody difficult. So it was about maybe 3 weeks before London MCM and i dropped in the messages that even though i was being quiet i was catching up when i could and that a guest was going to join us for the meet up. Now this fb group were so bloody anal about who ran meet ups. They always had to be done by someone on the admin/mod team (which i was so against tbh. If people wanted to meet up then bloody well let them) so whilst i was with this group i did mcm birmingham and a couple of wales comic con as i was a mod. I was keeping Vic updated on things once timings and location had been sorted and also to make sure she could come along as well. The time for the meet was basically decided a few days before the meet when the mcm schedules had gone up which was fine,but before this the miserable lot didnt want many people knowing that really this meet was happening. Tbh no one in that sodding group had great social skills as all they ever did was make it more stressful then it needed to be. On the years i didnt go,so many people told me how messed up the meets were and lots of shouting ect went on and tbh i wanted none of it. It was my first (and thankfully last) meet up being in that group of last year. Back to no one wanting people to know about it. Their reasoning's were they didnt want every tom dick and harry to come along unless they were in the AC group,they didnt really want anything on social media said about it either but i was very against that as Vic was so good at letting people know when meet ups were happening on twitter and instagram so that more people could join in on the fun and rightly bloody so too! So anyway the day of the con and the admin decide to change the sodding location of the meet so they think less people will turn up from where they normally have it. Bad move as that would later unveil. So i am at the event on the saturday and im messaging Vic to say about the new details and she is sharing away as well so thats fine by me she can do what she likes. Anyway on the saturday before the meet,there was a AC panel with Vic and Patricia and it was great and really fun and right at the end Vic announces that the meet up was happening right after the panel and to come along and follow me and two of my friends. I wont lie this next bit looked amazing haha. So the girls come off the stage and then Patricia asks me if its ok to come along which of course i say yes more then welcome. We wait for security who were fantastic btw,and really enjoyed the walk to the meet up. So at the front of this parade was my two friends in their ezio and jacob frye cosplays,then me in my frye twin mash up holding my prop up so the girls could see me. Then two security guards,then the girls and their handlers and then more security. The way that people moved out of the way for us was just fantastic. It was like parting of the waves and peoples faces were like so in well surprised at what was going on but also followed along to the meet which was cool. Anyway it was a bit of a walk but we soon get to the meet up and i introduce Vic and Patricia to everyone and there was some very happy faces and really lovely people asking me how on earth i keep getting VA’s to come along lol I dont do anything special i just ask them haha. So anyway pictures are done with the girls and cosplayers and its all good fun and they were with us for about 15 mins if that and we did cosplay stuff and also admin/mod photos with the girls too which was fine and social media stuff for the girls as well which was fun. They soon leave and i feel like collapsing to the floor after tbh weeks of stress trying to sort things out and it was a huge relief things went ok for them and i thought everyone else. There was a few omg moments but not to do with me thankfully but it didnt look very well lets say professional and that was bs because the meet had moved and others didnt know so some shit kicked off but yeah that was not my problem to sort.

Anyway i go back into the venue not long after the meet to basically see some folk and also was asked by the girls to swing by again before i left the con as i was only there the friday and saturday due to money and having just lost my job i wasnt in the best of moods but they did help so much. A few days of the con pass and pictures are posted up as usual blah blah but the messages within the group about the meet up are well not great. The vibe i got was basically they werent happy with how Vic was somehow but they werent saying that exactly so i basically said in all the times i’ve met any voice actors and got to work with them there has never been any ego’s or bs just a lot of fun. They didnt really see what i was getting at as i know they didnt get my involvement with who i had worked with so far and were beyond jealous it was so damn easy to see. But yeah their slight digs at Vic pissed me off so again went back to ignoring the messages coming through as it was just all nonsense chat.

Another thing this pathetic group didnt like was other members being in other AC groups and this is what finished it for me cos it got so stupid. Now before the bs happened which i’ll explain next, i am and still in over 30 plus other ac groups or ac cosplay related groups and have done meet ups in other countries ffs so you should not be told who you can and cant do that with. Anyway what happened was a little before MCM London i got asked on twitter by the lovely AC United Kingdom page if i would like to help them out on their social media sites to which of course i said yes. This group have been so amazing to me since they asked me to join and its been a blast with people that are so supportive and love what i do to help promote stuff for VA’s and things like that. I was very honoured to be asked. Anyway the older group found out i was added and also another mod and f*** me did they kick off. When i then explained how i ended up in this group they soon shut up for a while and backed the F off. Now i know the other mod didnt like getting added and thats fine as being added to groups can be annoying so she left the new group i was now apart of as well and thats fair enough. Again i said my piece and left the chat as it was all going back to more rubbish talk.

 A few weeks went by and i had saw that the guy who added me to the new AC group i was in was blocked from the old group i was i and i asked why. Oh boy that shit storm hit hard. Because i hadnt been that involved in the group chat or on the fb page they basically started on me which was hilarious to be honest. Now they booted my friend because he was adding their members to his own fb which was a big no no. I had also added members because i asked them if they would like to be apart of it. When i said this they were quiet for a little time and then went on this pity party of ‘’Well it doesnt matter as it seems lots are jumping ship and so we are going to close the group anyway. We’ll keep it open but no more meet ups or anything blah blah blah’’ It was literally like they had a toy taken from them and they were reacting like a shitty child. With that,and watching the melt down this lot were having my last message was something like ‘’well its been nice knowing you all take care’’ and that was it. Soon enough i was booted from that chat and kicked out of the group hahahaha. I was then informed they put a post up about closing the group as people were leaving and they couldnt be bothered with it anymore and just really stupid stuff tbh but they sounded so butt hurt it was unreal. So now comes in one of my rules. The second anyone walks out of my life,that is it for them. I dont chase people or find out answers i just let them do what they got to do and i do my own thing. I then deleted and blocked all of the admin and mods but one off of my fb because i wasnt going to let them kick me out of the group for their tantrum and then think its ok to watch what i do with me life. I dont f***ing think so. The next day a good friend had sent me a pic of one of the admins trying to play the victim card and butt hurt again that they had been removed from my life. Its simple. You walk out you never get the chance to come back or watch what i do. F*** no! So yeah i easily cut stupid people off.

I have other rules too and another is that if i have had no contact with someone on line or on the phone in over 6 months i delete/remove/block them from all my social media and also if their number is in my phone book i delete numbers too. Now tbh this should not need explaining to anyone but here is example two of why people just f*** me off.

Now i get on with anyone and everyone as i said and blokes especially as i’ve always been a bit of a tom boy and so girly girls i dont really get on with. Now i’ve made some great friends from the netherlands the last few years who are just wonderful and mean a lot to me and i will always do my best to go see them if i am over there or if they are going to festivals things like that i will go and support them. Anyway last may something happened at an event which was just blown out of proportion it was unreal. Lets use person A and person B as i dont like to use names. Now person A is from the netherlands and person B is from the UK. I have known for a long time that person B has liked person A and thats fair enough. Person A is still a great friend of mine and person B is no more. Now then at an event last year i got a little drunk with person A and it was a good laugh. Whilst walking together i happened to trip over something and my friend caught me and then heald my hand to help me walk as i was pretty drunk. That was nice of him. Now then at the same time this happened person B saw this happen and knowing the sort of person they are (a complete and utter immature asshole btw) i then get a message from a outside person saying i was a bad friend because i know how person B likes person A and what i was playing at blah blah blah. I laughed at the message as it really was BS and replied politely the event that had happened with the falling over and also hello im gay so back the fuck off im not interested in person A. Said messenger soon backed off and that was it. Thankfully i didnt see said messenger rest of the event. But anyway there was no need for that. What happened was a laugh between two friends nothing more nothing less.

Event ends and everyone goes their own way and back home and funny enough Person B does not really talk to me much after and tbh i didnt care. Yes i get they liked person A but ffs grow up and maybe ask what happened before getting someone else to fight your battles for you. I think it took a few weeks before i heard from them and they were still in a piss when they really had no right to be and left it at that. Move on about 3 months and i knew what was coming and it was the usual messages of ‘’Oh im so sorry for being a tit back then it was so silly of me blah blah blah hope we are ok’’ i explained to person A that i had no bad will towards them at all and its all over and done with and forget it and move on.No problem at all. That was the last time i heard from person A. Going back about 8 months now.....bare that in mind......

Now last November i went to the Netherlands for a gig and to see person B and his new gf who i had got to know over the internet. They had taken me in for a few days and it was lovely before i went to amsterdam. Now when i got back to the uk i did a instagram post saying thank you to my friends for a great time. I was scrolling through fb not even an hour after my post and i saw a shitty post from person A saying ‘’Oh looks like i’ll have to take some people off of my fb as i dont want to see things like that as they hurt’’ and some other bs. I knew instantly this was aimed at me and low and behold the next day after their fb post i was taken off of their instagram. Why you ask? Well because i had had a lovely time with my friend and his new gf!!!. This was now also 6 months after the BS at the said event before as well. FFS get over person B already as its been 6 bloody months and you knew he also had a sodding mrs and no interest in you and you didnt even talk that much. I get it feelings for someone can mean so much but to be so petty against someone else because they hung out with your crush and their new gf is f***ing stupid! So there comes into my rule of if you walk away from me or out of my life in anyway you do not get to see what i am up to anymore so i blocked person A from my instagram after that immature bs and at that time also muted them on fb as i no longer wanted to see the shit they were posting. Xmas and new year comes and goes and no messages. Not a problem i had already moved on with my life.

Same event comes around this year where shit kicked off last year but this year i didnt go. I knew plenty of folk that did and are in the same clicky group and noticed person A was hardly in much pictures which i thought was amusing tbh as they are all such attention seekers. So i went onto Person A’s fb page and saw that i had been removed from their fb page. Fair enough i thought not a problem at at all since it had been 8 months since we talked and they had already walked out in one way so the trash took itself out which was perfect for me. Again i had no problem with this due to their behaviours before hand and also i had moved on so didnt care. So with that and knowing how creepy they are on social media i block them as well. Done and dusted i thought.........

A few weeks ago i suddenly get messages from person A (comes up as unknown number on the app it was on but i knew who it was) asking if i had taken them off of my social media and why. I didnt reply to the message as i feel  no explanation is needed for such a thing. Life moves on and people grow apart its pretty normal tbh. So anyway another week goes by and i get another message asking the same thing but this time less jokey about it and more demanding. I ignore and delete the messages again. Another few days goes by and the third message is 1) damn creepy 2) proves my point on how crazy they are. The message basically said person A can see me on another accounts i have and so know i am online still and that they have talked to other people about things and they have said to let it go but they cant do that because they want answers. I literally lol to this message because it was just so needy and whiny but also damn creepy. Ffs who watches someone else from other accounts to see if they get a reaction or not?! Like grow up but the main thing that actually pissed me off about this was the pure nerve this person had to ask for answers when they were the first one to walk away many months back. Now did i go to them asking questions and why? No i did not as i dont care and still dont. Yet here is person A demanding to know why i have blocked them?! F*** right off. Again it comes back to you do not walk out of my life and expect to then keep an eye on me. Thats just all sorts of messed up and their messages just proves how f***ing crazy they are for checking up on me other profiles. If i could find these profiles i would block them too but tbh i dont care. I am happy and living my life. But how f***ing dare anyone demands to know anything from me when they f***ed off first. Not going to happen. I am hoping person A soon gives up and just leaves me alone but time will tell. If i get one more message i will then block them from what app they have contact me on.

You may wonder why i’ve wanted to rant about this and i’ll tell you why. The last few weeks i have got friends who have gone or going through life changing things. One has brain cancer and has maybe 2 years to live,another her ovarian cancer has come back and dont know the full scale yet and another a family member went through something horrific and its made me stop and think about life in general. I knew that life was short after i lost my dad but with all this happening and also more going on its made me think that again and gone bloody hell you never know what will happen to you. It makes you think about the important stuff and things that actually are important and not the BS of social media and things like that. I want my life to be filled with good people that are there for me and also support and love me for what id do. Not whiny pathetic people that moan about sweet f*** all when they should be more thankful for what they do have. I dont have time for people that have no positive effect on my life anymore. I wanted to be lifted up not heald back. I want to be pushed forward,not worried about other peoples opinions. 

So now i am taking time out from a things again for my well being and looking forward to the future :-D 

[exquisitelyeco]

Mirror, mirror on the wall, do I see myself at all?

Mirror mirror on the wall, Do I see myself at all? What do others, looking at me, What do they think, HOW do they see? Do I see who I really am, Or just the part of me that is a sham? Looking at others, what do I see, Is it love looking back at me? People, do they see me as I am, Or just the crap that leaves me damned? When I look at them, What do I see? Am I choosing the love, I want to look at me? This post is uncomfortable. Please only read this if you will not be offended. It is not meant to offend, as is, in part, a shade of the strand ‘An answer in part, Mr. Fry’ that I posted a while ago. Recently I was asked to do somebody a favour. They wanted me to meet some friends of theirs and spend sometime with them. I was absolutely furious. The people they asked were some who I knew had done things that made me angry. Actually, meet them? I wanted to batter them!

I was so uppity and frothing at the mouth with indignation, that I should even DARE to be asked! Now as you know, I am learning to be more honest and less people pleasing. So I am saying what I really feel, when I can. And thank God for His grace, that my church IS a safe place to practice! However….it does mean, certain poor people are in the firing line, of a missile! So I decided, how to respond. I emailed the person back, and told them, in no uncertain terms, that NOTHING would induce me to meet these people. That actually, one was, a cruel, sadistic bastard, and that if I had the opportunity, he would not get a cup of tea, but a boot up his behind. I said I would email one of the pastors of the church and ask their advice, and if, mind you IF, and I certainly did NOT believe so, they helped me to see this another way, I might be prepared to change my mind. Of course my poster emailed back. And I thank God, He had worked on my heart. Taking the crumb I offered, and that was all, that ‘if’….. Just like the wicked step mother in Cinderella……how relevant.....My pastor pointed out that we all have fallen short. And what if they treated people nastily, because they knew what they had done wrong? That if we want, we can bring Christ to people. And unbelievably, my spirit responded. Don’t get me wrong. I had to ask God. And nope, I weren’t on me knees begging! I just said, when it came into my mind, ‘You’ll have to help.’ In fact I was worse. I told God, “I’ll do it for you, not for them.” And I kept saying that. But something weird was going on. Although I had moments of not wanting too, and moments I could feel my heart harden in anger and condemnation, I felt almost joyful. Peaceful.

And God worked in me. Amazing! Truly amazing. I started to remind myself how I can be. How selfish, how sadistic and unkind. And I found myself saying sorry to God for thinking of pointing the finger. And then I’d feel the hurt of my past, threatening the visit, and I’d say, “I’ll do it for you, not for them.” But my heart wasn’t in it. Part of me wanted to be like Jesus. It was so strange. I asked my friends to pray. That I would manage well. I was so concerned I’d blow it, and hurt them, because of my froth! And when I met them, I did. Manage well, that is….not froth……In fact it was incredible! I found my self really enjoying their company, seeing God in them. Seeing who they were! And I want to see them again too! There was something really special about them. Today at church I was listening to the preach. And I remembered the words of a song: ‘I’m going to look twice at you, Until I see the Christ in you.’ How profound is that? It’s beautiful. If I had not opened my heart, even though it was just a tiny, teeny bit, God could not have filled my heart with love. And because of that, I looked twice. And I saw Christ, and it was truly beautiful. I was so glad my pastor, Susan, helped me out of my hissy fit. My mouth frothing indignation and self righteousness. And since then, I have recalled MORE horrid things I have done. And I dared point the finger at them! I truly see I nearly fell over one of my planks! (See my post ‘Planks,’if you want to know what I’m on about!)

When I think that God loves me REGARDLESS of all my shit. And there is SO much shit! And He loves me AS I am now! How humbling. How dare I condemn. I do not like what I have heard about this person. I know they have caused somebody pain. But I also now know, that is NOT who they ARE. How I judge who people ARE by what they have done! Sure, what we do matters. James in the bible said it very well. (James 2 v15-17) That if you wish your brother well, when he is hungry, but do not feed him, you are in sin. But he meant it a different way. He meant look at YOURSELF. Are you following the Lord and acting how He would? Because if not, you are in error and need to sort it out. In my own way, I was guilty of that. I would have said I wished them well, but buggered if I was going to help in anyway! I was in error, just as James said! I was sinning because of my hardness of heart and condemnation of a person. As if I was perfect! And what does God do? He blesses me! He changed my heart. My begrudging, judgmental heart. And He helped me to grow, even though I only gave Him conditional crumbs to do it with ‘I’ll do it for you, not for them!’ How humble is our God! He could have got mad at ME! And I also saw the truth in what measure we judge others, we ourselves will be judged. And yet God softened my heart. He allowed me to measure with HIS standard. No condemnation. And what blessing it had brought me! I have new friends. Special friends, who can give me life, and who I can give life too. And if God had condemned and judged my crumbs, what a miracle would have been missed. To think that God blessed me and helped me grow. Because I chose, albeit begrudging at the start, to want to, ‘Look twice at you, until I see the Christ in you.’ At that is part of me growing up. Learning to look past a persons past and actions, and to SEE the person.

That is what Christ does with us. Even more so! He is GOD, and with no sin, and He loves ME, who has more sin than is dumped in the Atlantic, or is it the Pacific, by the USA garbage ships everyday! No condemnation there US…..well, only a TAD! The oceans a bit muddy now…………..I am nobody. Yet the God of all creation looks twice at me. And He sees the Christ in me. The very breath of God that I was created to be, before all the sin marred, scarred and deformed my being. If I was Him, I’d probably vomit……But He has to truly be God, cos He doesn’t! My hardness of heart would not just have hurt them, and that is where God was so much MORE Gracious. It would have hurt ME. I would be blind and self righteous, behind my planks. Just like the Pharisees. But God, in His mercy, used my pathetic offering and changed EVERYTHING. I have had a double blessing! Good friends and a healed heart. How Good is my God? What I also saw today, was the words, ‘I’m going to look twice at you, until I see the Christ in you,’ I also need to apply to myself! I have times I loath myself so much. I hate myself and want to hurt and punish myself. And God doesn’t want me to do that. He hurts when I do that. But for me, it’s a battle not too. I HATE thinking Im fat. So I will not eat properly. But more, I beat myself up, over and over, when I make mistakes. I judge and condemn myself. And Jesus is unhappy about that. He wants me to see me as He does. In Him. The person He created me to be. That’s a battle. Because a lot of me doesn’t want too. I want to hate me. I want to control me and MAKE myself do things. And you know what? It’s killing me. So I need to learn to love me. What blew me away was how much meeting those people meant to THEM. I could feel real love. For ME. They thought a I was special. Why? I was horrible, until my pastor helped me see my planks. It shames me to think of it. And it makes me so grateful that God softened my heart, and gave me something that I did not deserve. Love and friendship. I can never get over it when people say they love me, or I’m special. Because I so don’t see it in me.

Although my pride does. My pride is a swine. It cuts both ways, pride in what I do and pride in the fact I’m upset at have pride! I’m proud of my pride! I tell you pride SUCKS. Know wonder God hates it. It’s like a snake, totally intertwined in my being. Tying everything into it’s self. Aren’t I wonderful? No. Well aren’t I wonderful for saying I’m not wonderful? For FUCK sake! Fucking pride, damn it!!Its a blood sucking leach. Sucking out my Christ blood and replacing it with MY own! IAM! I CAN. I WILL. Nope. And not bloody lightly thanks. I understand what Paul said about the thorn in his side, to stop his pride. I wonder what that was? Interesting…….a facial tick? You know like the one in the film, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, when they meet Owen? And he honks like a pig? Or bad breath, so people nearly passed out when he spoke? What about a wind problem? Every time his head went to swell he blew off? Well, I guess the swelling pressed against his pipes! Ooooh, I do hope I don’t get one of those! Thorns I mean. But I need one! Me think this sucks☹️ but ’tis necessary for my salvation! Oh no! Well, what if it’s a nice one? I mean, I can cope with say, ummm, not a twitch. Embarrassing. Definitely NOT wind. I’d never get to heaven…….I’d have no pride, cos I wouldn’t go anywhere….., I’d hide and be windy in private! I have a feeling God doesn’t do nice thorns. I mean, that IS the object of a thorn, I suppose. But it really does suck. But in one way, it was a form of pride that I thought I was righteously able to point the finger at the people I met. And yet, Gods grace turned me around! And I didn’t feel that prick! Well, not till I thought about my own shortcomings. And that made me sorry. Maybe God can do my thorn without it being embarrassing! I do love Old God! He has so much on His plate. But He used every little spat out prideful, self righteous crumb, to help ME! And I spat the crumbs! Wow! He HAS to be God to do that. It’s mind blowing! Thanks God!

So maybe thorns are things we see in ourselves. Reminders that it is God who makes us clean and restores our being. It has to be! I’m my own bloody thorn! Maybe that IS my thorn? Or is that self hate…….ummmm…interesting. My pastor, Pete says that. The word, ‘Interesting,’ I wonder if he’d say that if I said that? I mean about me being my own thorn? It’s a thorny problem to say the least……