#always made my mom really upset
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the bad news is i spent about an hour (after already getting home late) wandering around my apartment crying because i couldn't find my computer mouse anywhere. checking every place it could be twice, three times, knowing i don't lose things because of how badly it messes me up, only finally finding it at the cusp of a very bad meltdown in a place that i had already checked once before (and only once bc i knew i hadn't seen it in there the other day). had to take meds and cbd and lay on the floor for a long time and i still don't really feel ok.
but the good news? i won $100 in a raffle through work. so that's neat.
#personal#eating and drinking will probably help a lot right now but they're kinda the last things i want to do#takes too many spoons#and my entire face hurts from crying#therapist brain is asking me what that whole computer mouse search ordeal might have felt like if i wasn't alone#and first answer is i wouldn't have let myself get so worked up bc my Being Upset and Fixated is apparently very bad#always made my mom really upset#so probably not a safe thing to express#around anyone. any. one.#i don't know that i woulda been able to really hold it in tho with how upset i got. though maybe i wouldn't have spiraled so much?#a second pair of eyes wouldve been helpful but i also can't imagine not being made to feel like an idiot about it all#i kept saying to myself that *i don't lose things*. it's *not like me* and i even cited what my shrink has said#about how much i clearly DO care about things and always act with INTENT. and i felt that all about to shatter in the face of the proof#that i wasn't. proof that i WAS careless. proof that saying i'm anything but a thoughtless careless waste#was just another lie i was telling myself (and believing it so thoroughly i didn't even know i was lying)#and then i found the mouse. in a spot that i know made sense at the time#i at least managed not to throw it at the wall and shatter it. i didn't even want to. the mouse didnt do anything wrong#i can't even imagine a possible scenario where having another person with me when that happened would have been a good thing#where i would have been safer (and not just bc i was masking and bottling it all up) and not made to be a monster#other people aren't safe#why would they be? i'm certainly not
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the way I've been raised has shown itself in a recent awful experience I had and the realization won't leave me because I'm not sure what to do about it.
I don't like feeling anger/upset and it's rare for me to feel it anyway but it's led to me being unable to tell what's worth getting upset over anymore. If my wants upset somebody, then, well, maybe I shouldn't have them? What is so serious that I need it to go completely my way...? What desires am I allowed to have. It's not that serious, it's okay if not, you can't always get what you want....
every time I feel Upset I am later wracked with guilt because it wasn't a big deal and I was just being selfish... What IS a big deal then? How can I tell? Its admittedly never a big deal... But I keep being upset. And stepped on....
#talkys#this is what led to me Staying for as long as i did#there would be issues but if I brought them up i wld then be made to feel guilty for feeling that way#but i cant reverse that bc well!! its true like is it really a big deal? life isnt that serious I dont need to get upset...#i get upset at something my parents do and in the end i feel ungrateful and selfish#i really cant tell anymore which is why i Stayed as mentioned above#in the sense of well yeah the way im being treated doesnt make me feel good but why do i need to feel good?#isnt that selfish...isnt that asking too much...isnt that making yourself out to be Better Than...#i really dont know. i get so ready to give up my position on anything because I dont want to be selfish#and because im no better than anyone else#my mom caused some drama on my birthday wrt my sister's family and it led to me not being able to go to the duck#pond on my birthday... which is the only thing i really wanted to do on an otherwise uneventful day#i was meant to feel shame abt it because well we can always go any other day!!! relax!!!#and it is true....!#we can go any other day why did i get upset? its not that serious...nothing is that serious...i feel so guilty + spoiled + selfish#i just felt humiliated for wanting to go in the first place. and for getting upset that we couldnt go. like a toddler.#*not that i actually get Toddler Level upset...but it always Feels like i did...ykwim#i just dont understand......idk if i can Repair this....
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Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.
#my mom gave me a really really lonf lecture and upset me because her and my dad want me to start thinking about settling down ans getting#married. again. cos this comes up all the time. ans I reiterated that i do wanna marry and have kids. i know im 26 years old why do they'#think im also not aware of this??? like i suddenly forgot my own age and have my head in the clouds all the time. and i got so heated cos i#said they only believe in that in theory. in reality neither of them have accepted the idea od my leaving home or the idea of mw being with#a man. and they start freaking out if they even find out i talk to them so to say they want me to get married is so fucking naive#ans when i mentioned this and that they're more than ok w mt brothers talking tp women she said that if i wanted to settle down she could#talk to dad and they could “go about finding someone for me” and I've never been so pissed#i got so upset. why does everyone keep saying this to me. as if anyone my dad knows could ever be a half decent man#and the truth is they don't care if im in a happy marriage they've accepted that i won't be they only care that im gone and saving face in#front of family. that's all. it's always reputation it's always “what will people say?”#not once did love come up. not once did shw even imply that i should marryfor love#or that they hope i love someone and marry them. because they're more happy with the idea of me marrying for the sake of it than#they are at the idea of me finding genuine lovw#im not a fucking broodmare im not here to push out babies for the sake od reputation.#and then i said nor being married isn't the end of the world and she said “it's important that you settle down”#and i said im unwavering in my principles. she can call mw high maintenance like she loves doing but I'm not wavering on the#kind of man i want to be with and when i do marry him i want it to bw genuine. because be loves me and vice versa not because im ticking off#somethin from a damn checklist to appease them. and if being unwavering on my principles means staying unmarried then so be it.#my obligations are to god and myself and that's it#and y'know what??? i am in love with a boy already#and yet they don't care that i wanna be in love at all. no im just a puppet to follow a certain narrative in life live according to evergone#else has and that's it.#im done.#and then she tried to apologise by getting me a slice of cake and that somehow made me feel worse.#i dont want an apology. i want to be heard and actually listened to for once. i want someone to ask what i want. to actually give a shit#and love me cos it's me. not cos im some thing to further an agenda. or some toy or puppet that does your bidding.#is it so much??? to just want to be loved in return? to marry and live according to how i want to?? ans not want anyone to make these#decision's for me?#ruined my whole day.
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I went through my mom tag yesterday and im so upset i rlly need to talk to my parents abt things they said and didnt say to me as a kid and teen bc wtf reading this now im so upset.. she’s always been like this.. i was 14 i was 15
#always getting angry at me when i was upset#i just needed someone to listen and show compassion#they made me hide everything that upset me because i never felt like they understood me#the amount of times i made a post about being upsey abt the way my mom reacted when i was visibly upset…#never really supporting me when i got excited about my interest or hobbies#telling me i should be more realistic or that its too expensive or always some excuse#telling me i will lose interest after a month so no were not gonna do it#like shouldn’t you be happy for your kid if they’re passionate abt something?? at least tell them instead of brushing everything off#ive been talking abt theatre and dancing and music since i was 13/14#and i always got told its stupud and unrealistic#but im 10 years later im doing theatre and im doing dancing and music and i still love that more than anything so#im so mad
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almost pulled over on the way to school three times just to cry and think about how fucked everything in my life is rn
#i dont have any money and my job literally cannot schedule me more than one day a week#idk what the fuck im doing in school rn and idk if i want to change my minor or not bc i think id succeed more in creative writing#but i'd have to take a couple extra classes and my parents are already upset that im taking so long to finish school#even tho it was my mom that made me move across the country and go to a new school#so like. obviously there are different graduation requirements here#but my parents dont understand that at all and it's somehow my fault that im taking so long#when i really am not#i'm just trying the best i can while being extremely mentally ill and im just so exhausted#maybe i will take a break from school and actually get a job with a salary#a friend of mine works at a local marketing agency and i could always submit an application#bc i already have an associates in comms and that might be useful
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Y'know...i think wearing earbuds like 24/7 and playing my music and shows super loud probably isn't the best for my hearing..
#it seems I've made my tinnitus worse#i usually don't play my music super loud#but the last few days have been really weird brain-wise#like i have a pretty good relationship with my body and food#but recently I'll get hungry and some little part of my brain is like “don't eat just yet. wait until /this/ time and you'll get skinny”#but i don't WANT to get skinny. like brain we've been over this#it's weird and bad and i don't like it#i think it's my mom again. and her mom#my grandma is very “cut out as many carbs as possible” but it's whatever bc she's super old and sugar makes her bones hurt or something#but my mom has always been super insecure and has tried every diet on the books and always tried to rope ME into it too#which gave me horrible dysmorphia and body image issues that took me like 10 years to get over#and now i am and i love my body and how I'm built in all the ways that made me upset in middle school#and NOW my subconscious decides to get an ED?#fuck outta here#tw ed#anyways.#I'm tired and my ears are ringing
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there is the agony of living in America (contributing to its global acts of cruelty simply by living and working and feeding and clothing yourself) and the agony of living in America today when it has become so clear that even if every politician making these choices on my behalf were killed, it would make no difference and they would be swiftly replaced by their ideological twin
#I can't even fantasize about politicians being murdered anymore#there was always an oh well! maybe someone will just assassinate them#you guys can ignore me but#I'm just. really fucking sad right now#sobbing in my parents kitchen while my mom made me ramen#and she kept asking oh what's wrong#are your friends upset? did something happen at work?#no. nothing has happened to me. but yes. everything is wrong#every day I go to work and ask “having a good day?” while I'm scanning their items.#or the more tragic “any fun plans this week?”#and. I know I probably seem the same#and I don't know what they look like when they go home and take their masks off#but I just.#I don't get how they seem so unconcerned#“oh sure let me buy this Israeli feta. no flags popping up in the back of my head!”#I just don't get it#I'm so tired#I don't think I remember what it was like to not be depressed#but there's a difference between depression and despair#and this is despair#I need to learn to be angry#I can choose to be sad and turn the switch and be cheerful at work#but I think if I let myself be angry I won't be able to do what I need to to maintain my own life#as if I'm doing anything a normal person would consider maintaining my own life and well-being#but I go to work#and I collect my checks#and that's all I can really ask of myself right now
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my mom: *gets mad at my dog for exhibiting dog behaviors*
#still mad abour yesterday#dotty does really bad with fireworks and my mom gets so mad about her barking and its like...#we do this every fucking year...#she barks bc shes scared why are you getting mad#and shes yelled at her before which only makes it worse and she doesnt understand that#so last night while i was at work she tried to give her some calming pills and#1. dotty was already very upset#2. my mom probably yelled at her and made it worse#3. she tried to open her mouth by grabbing the top of her muzzle (most ppl know not to do that)#and dotty snarled at her like she was gonna bite her#so now my moms not interacting with her and says shes a bad dog and is mad at me too for defending her#like that doesnt make her a bad dog right???#like she hasnt done it any other time so it was purely situational and my mom was behaving wrong#i always tell her shes the adult human and the dog literally doesnt understand the same things#and she cant expect her to behave like she wants all the time bc shes literally a dog
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I really wish my mom would just fucking. respect the fact that I have no desire to be religious and that I don't know if I ever will be because it feels like she's subtly trying to convince me to come back and idk. I just kinda wish she'd respect the fact that I don't want to have anything to do with it
#like. when i first left the church she encouraged me to go to therapy to Get Everything Worked Out and i did !!#i went to therapy. did all the work. took a look inside and went ''yep. still queer. still nonreligious''#and left a more emotionally healthy + put together guy.#and when she asked me about it and i said i still was quite sure i didnt want to go to church#she was wringing her hands like ''oh...winter youre so twisted up and confused inside...you need to get all this figured out..''#and for a while i TRIED. but eventually i put my foot down and was like. Mom. i am not confused. i am not twisted up inside.#and she looked pretty upset ans flabbergasted because HOW could HER KID possibly FALL AWAY from the church and become a HERETIC!??#or something idk#so now we've reached a sort of impasse. where im semi happily living at home w them and not having to do religious shit#and she lets me. but idk she always brings up god and church and shit in conversation#and i dont even think she's TRYING to !! its just a really big part of her life and its important to her#so she tries to use it to comfort me or whatever. but it falls flat because its not important to Me. and she just cant comprehend that.#and idk. idk#im just rambling at this point but i also feel like. i cant really be the person i am around my family#because she's pulled me aside and made me promise i wouldnt do or say anything that could Lead My Siblings Astray#so i cant really talk about queerness. or my own experiences as a queer person. or how people should be able to choose for themselves#what they believe in.#and since im living in their house when im old enough to not be im afraid that if i break the rule she'll kick me out#and i do NOT have the money for my own place rn#and throughout it all there's this underlying feeling that she doesnt want my siblings to Be Like Me#which only reinforces the feeling ive had all my life of being the family black sheep. lol#anyway. sundays are particularly shitty in this regard because theyre Church Days.#so idk. im just thinking out loud rn#winter speaks#personal
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I love my family so much, but sometimes I really just want to move out
#like everything just constantly feels so tense#i don’t think I have felt carefree in so long#my dad tries fixing something in the bathroom gets mad and now there’s a hole in the wall#and he’s always had these little man baby fits#but like it’s just so stressful to constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells#i feel like so much of my life is just trying to make sure I’m not upsetting anyone#then he gets the nerve to be mad at my sister with how she handles her emotions#(which she could be way better at) but like where did she learn how to handle them from#literally the guy that would get mad a break toy balance beams in a fit and be like#“sorry I’ll replace it I just had a fit <3”#and then proceed to never do so#he’s not always like this he’s a very kind and loving father#but just when he does things like this it really upsets me#and I feel like they are being really unfair to my sister#i know she can be difficult at times#but like my mom sided with my dad after my sister got mad about *the hole he made* during a tantrum#it’s just so exhausting#and I just want things to feel easy again#things were never simple but I wish I had the childhood whimsy and ignorance to believe they are again#meg’s incoherent thoughts#tw vent
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#death tw#my grandma passed away yesterday and im fine cause we did not have a relationship at all#but we didnt have a relationship cause she was Openly Homophobic to me#and im seeing all my cousins and relatives post these sweet posts for her#she was the best grandma she was so compassionate and accepting#who was always a phone call away and im like#damn i wish i had that grandma!#the grandma i had ostracized and ignored me once i came out#and made comments about me to my mom#so where did yall get that grandma i want one#that sounds lovely to have a nice grandparent anyone want to loan one out#cause the only type ive ever known is Bad#but anyways thats making me more upset than the actual fact that she died is#like the person yall are talking about is a complete stranger to me#how am i supposed to be sad when the person i knew i considered an incredibly distant relative#who i hadnt seen or spoke to in 5+ years#and who didnt like me#(there's a really good bakery near her tho that i do miss. hm.)#delete later#edit: i meant to put after the phone call bit that once on her birthday i tried to call her#and she let me get one question in then made an excuse and hung up on me#so it certainly wasnt for lack of me trying
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#another vent! don't read if you don't want to! it's long.#so um. my mom and i got in a small fight while out shopping. not anything extraordinary just a regular small dispute and she got#kind of annoyed. and whenever anyone annoys her she *always* says 'it's fine' or 'i'm fine/over it" and it has become noticeable to me#over time. so i told her 'i know you're annoyed with me' and she literally told me 'fine. do you want me to just start telling me that#i'm annoyed with you??' and i was like 'what? yes! why wouldn't i want you to??' but she didn't really answer it. we got into the car#and i said 'sorry i didn't mean to upset you earlier' and of course she was like 'oh it's fine' so i just said to her:#'what i wanted to say was that telling me how i annoyed you and told me what you thought would get us a lot further than just covering your#emotions with a constant 'i'm fine' and not telling me anything.'#and was just like: 'i love you madison but that's not how it works.'#like ????? girl yes it is how it works!! good communication strengthens trust in relationships!! how is this a foreign concept to you??#but something clicked when she said 'look your father hates it when people talk about their feelings or how actions and words#make them feel. if i get used to telling you how you made me feel then i'll start doing it to your father.'#and i just fuckin. sat there. i didn't even say anything for a good minute bc i was so astonished but everything like. made sense.#this house is so full of 'i don't care' 'fuck you/off' 'i'm fine' and so many other harsh words and careless but hostile name-calling—#we don't even know how to tell each other how we feel and think. there's no healthy connection. whenever someone gets emotional by#crying or saying something about how they feel they're called 'soft' 'snowflake' 'sensitive' or sometimes worse names i won't mention#but it's all the same shit. the shaming of being human is revolting but it also shows how dysfunctional this household is. like#it seriously checks every. single. mark. i don't even tell my mom about my problems because all i ever get back is a 'just relax' or#'stop being ridiculous' and there's no sign of comfort or trying to problem-solve anything. it's just 'get over it you'll be fine.'#it made me realize that everyone in this house doesn't know how to properly communicate or work through emotions- thoughts- and conflicts.#myself included. ever since the age of 9 i had such a hard HARD time showing and receiving affection (physical and emotional) from friends#but i didn't know why! it just felt so goddamn foreign! but now it just. now i understand where my deeply rooted#emotional unavailability came from. healthy communication of affection and conflict was never shown to me and all i ever saw from#my parents were fights. lots and lots of fights. i think i thought that's all normal relationships looked like. i thought any affection or#display of healthy communication was fake and a trap of some kind so i just never even chanced a good friendship. i started having healthy#friendships just in late 2020 when i started realizing what in the fuck was going on. i'm more mature than a reserved 9 year old girl now#of course so i'm learning how to be more emotionally available but. i just need a minute. what the fuck.
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i dont even know how to feel my own emotions thanks to my parents
#being sad is so hard for me#bc everytime i was sad or crying they would hit me or yell at me bc how dare i be sad#called ungrateful overdramatic told im embarrassing them completely no regard for how I'M feeling#my feelings were never ever validated never. i could say i wanna kill myself and they would be like okay#just so many memories of being degraded and hit in front of other people. i cant believe so many people and no one said anything did anythi#my only relief from them is when shes on the phone or theres someone else in the house that she doesnt wanna be violent in front of#although i can vaguely remember times when she hit me after getting off the phone but dont remember why#thats why im so good at hearing subtle noises and spotting details#always on high alert mode incase she comes in and sees me on my phone bc god forbid#thats a death sentence lmao#she really made it seem like i was committing a heinous crime bc i was texting or on instagram or watching something#she would beat me SO MUCH AND SO BAD for USING MY PHONE#constantly. from the moment i got it at 11 until i ran away at 17#i had no privacy anywhere not in the house and not on my phone#once she found a text saying to someone that my mom fucked up my day#and she wouldnt shut up about it for months but did she ever actually think ab the text itself#like did she ever consider how she was making us feel treating us likethat#she doesnt give a shit she only does what she thinks is right and fuck everyone else#and the audacity of this woman to be upset i told her to stop texting me bitch ur lucky im not going over there and setting ur house on fir#and the AUDACITY of every relative and mysister telling me TO BE NICE TO HER#it makes me sofucking mad. be nice to her? would u be nice to a nazi ?#telling me to be nice to the woman who has been beating me and degrading me since i was 4#classic abuser behavior lmao . im gonna keep making u miserable but if u say or do anything about it youre a fucking terrible person#and i still feel bad even though i shouldnt#jsut cuz shes older now and weaker doesnt mean shit#its the same woman who did all that and never fucking apologized even#i wish they would leave my head i wish they could just stop existing and my childhood wasnt just bunch of terrible memories#she would belittle all my friends and put ideas in my head that none of them cared about me and they saw me as less#if someone gave me books shed be like oh look theyrenot even new books#🧃
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i’ve recently learning that a lot of people found Alice in Wonderland an either upsetting, disturbing, or creepy movie when they watched it as a kid, while I as a little child was absolutely enamored with it
interesting…
#kiwi shares their thoughts#several of my friends found it creepy and thus didn’t like it#my cousin said he found it disturbing#and my mom said it always upset her because the characters would never listen or follow rules and as a little kid#she just couldn’t understand and so she was just upset by it#and when i was like “i really liked it when i was a little child” she called me weird (in an affectionate way)#one of my new favorite things is my mom calling me weird#because it’s like “my mother in christ YOU raised AND made me”#she doesn’t say it judgementally mind you#in fact when she says it it’s usually with a smile or while laughing
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apologies are hard and can be embarassing
but life is too short to let your grandma go to bed sad
#it wasnt a big bad deal#but i didnt listen and projected my guilt#i wanted to be angry and annoyed#but whats the point#is it really that important to feel right when youre actually wrong#to feel mighty bc youre less emotional than another person#its hard to swallow that pride and to admit you were wrong#but you never know if this moment is the last with that person#and putting in that perspective it makes it easy to say youre sorry#i sometimes forget this#something i learned very young after fighting with my mom and upon reflection realized i was wrong the whole time#ive always had this ability since then to swallow my pride almost immediately and jump straight to fixing what i did wrong#but then long story short i lost that ability when i learned the word 'no' for myself#i stopped paying attention and focused on only me#and sometimes i forget that this is not who i want to be. i forget to work on myself#im glad that i made myself apologize and im glad that i made sure i didnt apologize weakly#none of that 'im sorry you feel that way'#but id like to work on avoiding this all together. and thats hard for me. because it requires me to be aware like i used to#which for me is PTSD related. but i dont want to be on my deathbed recalling all the pointless times i doubled down#taking up time that could have been happy#people say its easy to be kind and it is but sometimes when youre guilty it feels good to give into your frustrations and get defensive#again nothing bad happened. i just told her i wanted to do the dishes. she was currently washing some and because of guilt#of my perception of what shes able to do i doubled down on me doing them instead of her even though she assured me she was able#i thought she was lying to me and she got upset. no yelling just not allowing her to do what little shes able#and not trusting her at her word. to be fair she does lie and will admit that she has- when doing things when i feel sick#even when i tell her that id rather choose what im able to do instead of her assuming. which is exactly what i did#me being a hypocrit. so yeah. not a great feeling on multiple levels of this scenario#but truly i need to remember to focus on what matters and that is just taking someones word for it while making sure they know they can#freely tell their feelings. meaning if shes doing the dishes and she says shes fine. let it be. and make sure she absolutely knows that when#i say im fine that i too am telling the truth
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parents overstepping boundaries!! we love to see it!! im gonna cry!! im so frustrated!! im so mad!! i don’t want to do this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!
#my mom called a functional medicine place and made an appointment for me#whats funny is that she told me about this place on monday#got made at me for not calling them and making an appointment on wednesday#and has never even shared their phone number or website with me!#and today i was like oh ive got to call them mom can you give me their phone number#and two hours later she talks to me an apologetic mess saying that shes sorry but she just had to call them and that#she made an appointment for me without me asking and shes asking if i can take off work on monday so i can go to this office#that i dont even know where it is#bc she never sent me the address!!!#and i was like no. im not going why would you make an appointment for me. i cant even attend that#not even because i have work but because i have client visits scheduled and i have things to do#and shes like oh just call them and reschedule call them and reschedule and im just pissed off im pissed off im so frustrated#always on my case about my freaking physical health but never once stopping to think about my feelings#and i know she felt guilty bc she ignored me!!!!#and shes like im sorry i overstepped and i dont even wanna accept that bc you knew it was wrong the entire time and still!!!!!! did it!!!!!#like you could have just called them to talk about them and then go okay thank you#and then call or answer me and go hey daughter this place is legit here is their phone number like u asked here is their website#like you asked#and now call them and make an appointment#ITS THAT EASY#TO BE CONSIDERATE OF PEOPLES FEELINGS#BUT NOOOOOOO#GO AHEAD AND ACCUSE ME OF BEING A TERRIBLE#AFULT THAT DOESNT CARE ABOUT MYSELF THAT CANT MAKE APPOINTMENT THAT CANT DO SHIT#she was like i know you wouldnt have done it if i didnt ask and im like NO I WAS ABOUT TO DO IT I JUST DIDNT HAVE THE TOOLS TOO AND IT#CLEARLY WASNT ON THE TOP OF MY LIST FOR THINGS TO DO#im just upset IM UPSETTTTTTTTTTTTTTT LIKE REALLY THIS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IM TERRIBLE
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