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⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ Hello ! I am Natasha/Angel. I am from The Corporate Tower; or for this blog, The Princess / Princess Natasha / Princess Angel! You dont have to call me princess though, just for funsies and the theme of the blog ! <3
I have come here to announce that I am now happy to announce I am a proud loyalty and the princess to @queenofproendos ! (we do not legitimately see the blog as our queen, just playing along with the fun and silly royalty theme between me, that blog, the knight, the jester, and other people's blogs surrounding this playful theme parody of astro's blog. almost like a roleplay!)
The gender in my profile picture is cherryblossflowic, one of my genders. (pfp post here)
Our pronouns.cc !
My strawpage ! (please view on desktop)
This is a blog that I am going to run for mainly about anything system related. For the sake of the system community, please, anti-endogenics do not interact with this blog. You have your own communities too! Stay in your lane and respect your own DNI!
Its primarily for those that are pro-endogenic, of any system origin, anti-c paraphiles, freaks, queer community, mogai community, etc.
If you want userboxes please request our userbox blog @corporateuserboxes .
If you want a MOGAI or xenogender please request our MOGAI blog @corporatecoinings .
This blog we will post moodboards and pride pixels (round and rectangle) ! But please be clear about what you want and provide images if you can ! <3
Here are some things we allow!
venting (with warning stated at the top for any triggering topics)
general talking about anything if you want
questions (we are allowed to deny anything we dont want to answer)
playful and silly "anon hate" (please use tone tags!)
literally anything within anyones system, headspace, etc.
requests for moodboards
requests for pride pixels
Things we do NOT allow !
political topics
Astro and his supporters (go away)
debate about our identities (not up for discussion ever)
harassment towards us or other people
talking to us in a shitty attitude
thats kinda it i'll update this later <3
Some things to know before you interact !
we are anti-radqueer, anti-transid, anti-contact paraphilia, and anti-proship!
we think contradictory labels are valid!
we think every system and plural origin is valid!
we are systemarchist and pluralpunk/systempunk!
we are pro-endogenic obviously!
Before any of you attack me, us, or this blog, we are a primarily traumagenic system (with additionally neurogenic and paragenic origins). We were diagnosed as a traumagenic system before we learned of our other origins as well. We fully support endogenic systems. If you dont like that, dont bother complaining about it to us; we are not listening to any of you bitch and whine to the princess.
Being pro-endogenic does not strip us of our respect and dignity. We are a system and always will be. If endogenics say they are a system, they are a system.
On this blog, we support inclusivity and positivity.
Tags !
pro endo court -> the tag for all blogs related to being loyal to queenofproendos ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ the princess of endos -> tag that goes on every post ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ the princess speaks to you! -> inboxes ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ the flowers are blossoming once again -> positive topics ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ the flowers have wilted but will return soon -> negative topics ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ the princess wishes to have a chat with you! -> me talking about stuff ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ the princess is feeling moody -> moodboards ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ the princess has found something shiny -> pride pixels
My fun silly allies :
⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @queenofproendos (the queen) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @kingofproendos (the king) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @prince-of-pro-endos (the prince) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @the-dame-of-endos (the knight) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @seroftheproendos (the other knight) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @knightofproendos (another knight!) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @jesterofproendos (the jester) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @peasantofproendos (the peasant) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @dragonofendos (the dragon) (my in-sys boyfriend's blog because he wanted to join in too) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @baroness-of-endos (the baroness) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @dukeofproendos (the duke) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @otterofproendos (an otter !) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @darkwizardofproendos (the wizard) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @deityofproendos (the deity) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @guarddogofproendos (the guard dog) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @kitsune-of-pro-endo (the kitsune) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @lapdogofproendos (the queen's lap dog) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @cryptid-of-pro-endos (the cryptid) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @housemaiden-of-pro-endos (the housemaiden) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @lady-of-endos (the lady) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @angel-of-pro-endos (woah ! hey im angel too!) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @doctor-of-proendos (the doctor) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @scientistofproendos (the scientist) ⋆. 𐙚 ˚ @marquessofendos (the Gallade)
Something silly me and Syntax made...
more possibly coming soon !
will update this again when needed ! :)
#⋆. 𐙚 ˚ the princess of endos#actually plural#plural community#plural system#plurality#pluralpunk#plural#plural positivity#system blog#pro endo#pro endogenic#endo safe#pluralgang#endogenic safe#endo friendly#endogenic#anti endo dni#pro endo court
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Doing Snippet Sunday and WIP Wednesday every week forces me to look at what I've written over the past few days and see if any of it is ready to be seen by other people, and if not, then it forces me to edit it, and that's one of the reasons I like doing it every week.
#honestly think it makes my writing stronger even without feedback or anything#and also makes me actually write lmao#also I don't tag people because of previous fandom stuff#everything was very cliquey and intimidating#so that's why#always happy to be tagged and always happy to see other people's stuff#anyway this is why you should do wip wednesday even if it seems like nobody reads your work#YOU read it and now it's probably stronger
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Tags
#hey all#just wanted to remind you that this is a fun place to get writing ideas and i am literally just some rando on the internet#this means i am not always right and in fact am very often wrong#a lot of you are very kind and help me out when i get stuff wrong#i try to acknowledge those people and thank them for their help#however#if you choose to be rude or needlessly mean to me or a follower on a post and i see it i will block you#i have no time for negativity here (i get enough of that in my regular life)#shaming others for ignorance when they genuinely don't know something just makes you an enemy rather than a friend#no need to be judgy#this is a hobby blog by a public school teacher in some random city#not an international team of competant individuals#thank you for reading the tag rant! happy writing
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tagged by @murderballadeer to make a poll with some fun stuff in my room & have people vote for their favourite
I will tag - @grusinskayas @maudeboggins @chantalstacys @oftwodarkmoons @4harts
@filminghere @monstrousdaughter @gayworths @ritahayworrth @nitrateglow
@nataliawoods @joanleslies @glamourofyesteryear @oldhollywoodholla @jwclapton
#tag game#my stuff#my room is so cluttered with trinkets and objects#it was hard to find individual things i could get in one photo#this one is such a fun tag game though#i was happy to do it and hope to see others!#really annoys me tumblr wont let you tag more than 5 people per line now#also as always let me know if you do or don't want me to tag you in tag games!
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this tree from my new drawing looking goated afffffff 👑👑
#yes this is a nel/vas drawing get off me😂#text#i wanted everyone to see it but also since i draw on paper in total silence i think a lot about everything so i wanted to voice some -#- thoughts too's. tbh i've been veeery self indulgent lately#actually i'm happy that n*lv*s is getting actual hits out of me that i like looking at#especially on-paper stuff that i can recall being fun for me to draw. all traditional art is fun to draw#and digital has turned into an actual task for me (only sometimes tho maybe i;m lying.. mspaint we're still bffs)#i think i just don't see the joy in trying to scrap up a ''' finished ''' piece in an art program .. pencil i love you and i love the -#- feeling of it scratching along the paper....sigh............ Rabu#i don't want my blog or thoughts to turn into traditional art suck-off ventures bc ik not everyone can get into it for many possible -#- reasons but if u feel like it U can ok? do it for Pencil��️ and for me? for silusvesuius? 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚#but Lord i hope i don't also come off as one of those people that r like 'to improve in art just draw that one fictional character u -#- rly like 😂😂' bruh gtfo my face with that.#i'm noticing 'improvement' in my stuff mainly...i think... because i'm always striving to impress#not so much other people that are here just for my art but more so myself#i have a very huge ego (Mind Battle)#also it makes me sad to think about how big egos or genuine (not obnoxious) flauntiness are looked down on#and i can tell bc i used to look down on people that would express the things i'm expressing now#especially in art focused spaces. now i'd rather be in a circle of artists that love to J*rk off their own brain for it's ideas -#-and talent than be w/ very self-conscious artists that are never expressing pride about any of their work#worse if it's to the point where they actively start to fish for compliments bc of it#fishing for compliments is always OK i just wish it didn't stem from insecurity in that context if that makes sense#but maybe that's very easy for me to say and admit bc i did develop a very big ego around my art and ... Creativity? like it's a sims skill#not that i still don't seek out 'attention' or compliments from others to soothe myself but hmmmmmm i hope u feel me.#it just turns me into a very competitive person#who am i competing with? Myself#i'm always in 'you can do better Because you're YOU' mode#which is much better i believe than comparing yourself 2 other artists#i don't think a lot of people read my tag ramblings but if u do i wonder how one feels about a very pompous artist#like me .......(?)
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Anyone else remember the little 88x31 buttons from older internet days? I've been remembering them a lot lately.
I make ffxiv ones in msp when I'm in queue or my bf is flying me around between quests.
#shoutout to anyone else who actually uses leg graze#i originally did just the two korpokkur but i made the yukinko this afternoon and its easily my favorite of the 3#and i love the moogles but they dont really fit as a button? maybe i should just make a few more stamps as a series#im not happy with the tomestone - the circuitry feels out of place to me. i want to find some other way to frame it in the button#carrots was last night because we were working on lopporit msq :3#i love the goobbue. i love goobbues ever since ffxi they're so chill#i wanna make a version of the rotting goobbue in amdapor#i love that one too#my art#88x31#idk what to tag this... its technically pixal art but i always have imposter syndrom bc i see people do INCREDIBLE pixel art illustrations#and this is just like... myspace webring hobbyist stuff#ffxiv#ill post them on twitter and bsky when i do a few more i think - right now theyre only in my carrd#and carrd makes them look really crunchy. im scared what tumblr is gonna do to them when i hit post#and i just really really really hate the sound /sweep makes - i think it should count as griefing to afk in public spaces doing it#but thats just my unpopular opinion as someone with audio sensitivity. the emote should not loop
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still haven't moved on from zane in this episode (aka I hit tag limit again and am unhappy about it)
#alek insanity#not gonna main tag this but prepare for a tiny rant#home is actually really good zane characterization and its super cool to me how it holds up to this day#s1 characterization is very specific to me because the behaviors displayed by the ninja there (mostly) isnt bc thats how they really are but#its due to societal pressure. cole originally being more 'stone faced tough guy' -> 'down to earth' -> 'really sensible easy to talk to guy'#is because hes always been a sensitive guy... but he felt he couldnt express that true version of himself. thats the whole thing behind his#true potential. jay going from s1 -> s6 -> now is less of societal pressure and more teenager figuring himself out but it still applies. ish#seeing how much the ninja have changed or grown from then to now is amazing because back then they all wore masks. they didnt know each#other all that well. but theyve gained that comfortability with each other and also have grown and matured as people#some seasons / eps characterization for certain people im not a fan of (lloyds random misogyny arc in s13) but i mean the overall trend here#and then there is zane. zane in home was pretty dead on to how he behaves now (at least... when it comes to his faults?) and i dont want to#say people skim over that but i am the sf proclaimed n1 s1e2 fan and overthink every scene. zane's early characterization is some of my fav#for him period. he also goes through a ton of traumatic stuff and a ton of bad writing bouts but why he acts so 'weird' or 'distant' has#always been a thread sewn in. he changed so much he stayed the same in a way... if that makes sense. -> ohhh the ninja get mail and he#doesnt? oh he has no family? he quite literally walks away from that situation. oh the ninja are yelling in his face and asking whats wrong#with him? he literally walks away from that situation. he says its to follow the falcon but seeing how he apologized to them by not only#baking a ton of pies (cough... the food fight is what led to him leaving at first) but he also found them a whole entire new house.#zane is unable to truly value what he does for others. insert him in s11 saying he 'tried' to fufill his goal of protecting others.#everything he has ever done still isnt good enough. then the ninja tried to apologize and he didnt really... let them.#that one post about characters putting on facades and that facade being how people really see them. even in fandom. thats zane to me#the guy who lies about being upset and avoids his problems ran away after being yelled at? and he said he wasnt really mad? that is a lie!!#him being a ~360 when it comes to his character development is neat to me because he never hid behind a mask in the same way the others did#cole wanting to seem tough vs being really soft? kai wanting approval so bad he starts being selfish? kai isnt selfish usually!#he is self centered but that is a whole different thing. just wanting to fit in and breaking free of that. zane's true potential came in the#form of 'i finally know why i am not normal' instead of 'i will be my true self'. zane never pretended to not be weird#(instert book) states he literally didnt know why people got mad at him. he just existed and it was 'wrong'. the mask he hid behind was#avoidance. he was pretty open about how he actually was (most of the time). when he was upset he would audibly sigh and walk away lol#but for him saying he wasnt upset / saddened by the ninja... it felt like a moment of selflessness. if that makes sense. he blamed himself#for the monestary burning down. so he didnt deserve the apologies (ish) in the virtues of spinjitzu zane is shown as the generous one iirc#he puts the needs of others over his own. he will bear whatever burden he needs if others are happy. at that same time he doesnt allow
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It’s actually insane how fandom in general has become so scared of making weird and dark and ugly works. Like I look at myself and see how I have also subconsciously adapted this instinct to self censor and make things “marketable” and it’s making me want to crawl out of my skin. I need to get weirder and worse and more off-putting hello
#I need to write a proper Spectra&Gus meta bc it’s been cooking me how people don’t Want to see the insanity in them#argh#d0 stuff#negative#d0 smashes the keyboard#like yes#Gus’s devotion and loyalty are extreme and these feelings make him do stupid things that he is absolutely aware of being stupid#but let’s not pretend that these feelings go both ways in their relationship#Spectra (for like. the majority of the New Vestroia except the maybe last 12 eps?) sees Gus as a convenient tool#like Yeah he is like. a person and all that but Spectra doesn’t Interact with him when it doesn’t concern his business so#and also yes. he gives Gus a level of autonomy that one might not exactly expect from how usually these relationships go but#one Has to question if it’s bc of his goodwill or bc he is safe in his knowledge that Gus would never leave him#which. fun and sick and makes them sooo compelling#I would also argue that Spectra/Keith don’t even miss Gus when he ‘died’ as a person at first#but as the second pair of hands for work#like it was quite funny to see Spectra give instructions to air only to be reminded that his minion died#but it does rise the question of why hasn’t it happened before or in any other situation#(which I must say I really dig because yes. Spectra has always been centred around his ambitions so ofc this is where it would hurt first)#but yeah. sth sth Spectra only starts his journey of Actually giving a shit about Gus and acknowledging his importance to him as a person#by the end of nv#you could still argue it was partially (or maybe wholly) motivated by convenience that Gus presents but#it really was the first time Spectra has personally expressed his tie to Gus gah#all of this to say#they are sickos; each in their own way; and I think we can really make this more sinister and insane than we’ve allowed ourselves#throughout the years so far#like yeah. can I see them as a happy couple? sure! but also can I see this as a very codependent (more so from Gus’s angle) relationship#that’s being sprinkled with Tons of manipulation from Spectra? also yes#actually sorry for this wall of tags idk what got me thinking about them again#but it’s so so biting the bars day bc these guys are so fun!! we just have to let them be and maybe read canon through less good intentions#ok uhhh
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every day i come here after work and other people than me have giffed hwa and i feel stupid and useless :((
#don't get me wrong i love seeing other people's stuff and i'm always happy to be tagged#and will try to reblog everything i see#i see videos and i'm too exhausted to gif them myself#i have a very long list of things i'd like to gif but i just don't have the energy#i feel extremely burnt out#i'm not even crocheting anymore#i can't focus on anything i just feel like sleeping all the time#lu.txt
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( T_T)＼(^-^ )
#vent(?) ->#ive been wearing bracelets more lately and its making me feel a bit happier#looking down on my arms and seeing cute stuff instead of sh is sort of comforting#and whenever the bracelets have words that i love on them it just makes me feel so happy. i get reminded of the things i love#im putting this in tags instead of in the actual post because i still feel sort of bad talking about this kind of thing#even though i know its okay to..#i think i recommend this if looking at your arms scare you for any reason#im very scared if my arms and hands but if theres cute stuff on it i feel a bit better i think#thats why i draw on my hands and arms too. i put smiley faces on them and i put lain on them so i can always see things that i like#i am not even that good at making bracelets but its been making me feel so happy lately#not even just for myself but for my friends too.. it seems to make them happy :3#i love happiness!!! i love smiling i want to get better. i want to get better SO much even if i dont always feel like i do#i have time to get better even if it feels like everything could end at any second. im going to try and take my time#and try to become a happy person#so i can make other people happy too. i dont know what the point of this post is#i just want somebody out there to know im trying. im sorry
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-.-
#i am reading some stuff in the agatha tags#i know not a great idea#i just thought since I've been enjoying the meta posts atleast some of them I'll just keep a lookout for it#but as usual#the bs comes through#i have not seen one person who is mad coz agathario not been the focus#so either I've blocked all the idiots#or more likely people are preemptively policing others#which i guese is bound to happen but boy does it annoy me#i really don't care about them being endgame or getting happy ending or whatever#i felt the fandom as a whole also understands that and are just enjoying the ride#it's still mcu#we can be cautiously optimistic but especially with a story like agatha's#and her and rio's relationship being actually labelled as romantic antagonists#i fail to see how people even think that it's going to end as them getting some sappy happyily ever after or something like that#seriously do people really think that's in the cards#or it's just some wishful fanon thinking#i just want to enjoy the show as a show with all these interesting women characters#maybe i am alone in it but from what I've seen atleast on tumblr it feels the same for most of us here#i dunno what happens on other social media sites and i also actually don't care#it's always been like that especially wlw queer ships so yeah it kinda irritates me#i think i need to filter better and try focusing on the artsy stuff#anyways i am wondering if they will release teaser for next epi or not#I'll prefer to go without knowing anything tbh it is kind of exciting to experience it fresh without any spoilers#lets see#in the meantime i am rewatching the show and getting evermore obsessed with agatha and to some extent rio ha ha!#i am posting too much u can tell i am very invested now ...anybody want to pull me out? no? okayyy..down the road I go...!#i am so gay dude...fml#tag ramblings#for ts
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I don’t think I’ll be on this platform anymore, at least for now, due to everything that’s happening. I’d just like to keep away from it and supporting it at all. See you later, maybe.
-heartbeat anon
i understand heartbeat!! safe travels wherever you find yourself!! thank you for sticking around <3333
#putting this in the tags so it doesnt feel like im trying 2 change your mind!#i am definitely not! but what people hafta realize is that every single internet platform is either in support of or silent on israel#on every platform posts are being suppressed. its not just here i assure you#the only way ta....not support ANY large internet platform is just ta not use the internet at all unfortunately#im surprised that so many people were surprised at the news of tumblr's ceo? all ceos suck DICK#people are treating tumblr as if its a unique case and it is definitely NOT LMAO#im happy people feel so passionate about this!! but also ppl are jumping ship 2 twitter and twitters ceo is....from what im hearing#also terrible in this situation??#im afraid almost everywhere on the internet is a similar story.#also....the only way you're really supporting tumblr is if you buy stuff from them#my blog doesnt generate them any profit im not sure where people are hearing this from-#but again. even if it did its the same situation other major platforms are in#that doesnt mean you shouldnt be upset though! continue ta put your best efforts where you can!!#spacie splains#anybeans#heartbeat anon we may never see each other again but i want u ta know that your writing has touched me as well as a lot of people <333#ill always treasure what you gifted me!!#never gonna forget you fr fr#stay safe!! have a good one :>
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it's like a weird pull of "come on, it's not that bad to indulge a little, so what if you think of obsession and how nice it'd be? after all, wouldn't it be nice?" but i know for a fact if i entertain thoughts like that i'm going to A. spiral back into obsessiveness and become a really shitty partner and qpp or B. panic over the idea of becoming that way, and then suffer because i will become convinced that i am Evil and a Really Shitty Partner And QPP
#➳ the fool speaks#ask to tag#i used to look at ya.n stuff but it always just made me feel lonelier and worse#i have my world. i have people i care about greatly. but i really do love them - and being overly possessive and manipulating others and#only wanting them to be Happy With You And Only You is not love. y'know? that's how i see it at least#i don't need my brain absorbing info that is like ''your beloved should ONLY!!! ever talk to YOU!!!! and should reply to every msg 2#seconds after you send it otherwise they don't love you and you need to carve their name into your chest to prove that YOU love THEM so#they don't LEAVE YOU !!!! ^_^'' . because that's basically the message on there yk. i'd like to stay uh. a (vaguely) mentally healthy perso#because it has taken a lot to unfuck my brain and pick out the specks of possessiveness that stem from my experience with abandonment lol#just. augh. do not like seeing ya.n stuff man T_T#and i get obsessive thoughts sometimes but i squash em!! i don't tell anyone bc i feel like for Me that makes them worse. i don't post em
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having one of those nights where i'm just. extremely frustrated about fatphobia's existence and the fact that whatever i do to try and change it will be a drop in the ocean and there'll always be people who think i'm just saying this because i'm lazy
#and by night i mean its 5am but shhhhh#what sucks is i was actually building my acting confidence back up quite a bit with my delirium stuff#and i still do wanna do more of that!#but i got reminded that regardless of how good an actor i am i don't meet the 'must be this skinny to have emotions' bar#so i could only ever play her over the internet where people can't see my body#which is especially dumb bc she has like 60% of a physical form at best and yet its always a skinny one#and like i love sandman but it has a fatphobia problem. and the show has not exactly rectified it#kinda wanna draw despair skinny and the other endless not to turn the whole depression = overweight thing on its head#bc hell depression also = underweight and frankly i'd rather have no fat characters at all than her be the only one#but i fear that would get misconstrued and i don't wanna bring down that kinda hate on my head#and like i know i can't change what i look like i've tried i gotta be happy with this eventually#but i see no difference between comic despair and myself in the mirror#and sometimes it makes me feel like im two minutes away from growing tusks#so whoooooo oversharing on the internet#just. i wanna punch something but the something is society so unfortunately that's not really possible#okay to rb if you want i give zero fucks about this being shared im just keeping it in the tags bc that's polite
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okay shutting up now
#except in the tags#as i usually do#omgdksbdksjfjdjfjjf#bye#alison speaks?#i need to truly shut up#but like#damn#idk idk idk idk#like sure i think they’re mostly better off as soloist (imo liam was built to be in a band)#but like… i think it’s healthy for them to interact with memories and 1d stuff in a positive way#bc it is a very big part of their career no matter what is said#but i think continously pushing that arguement isn’t great either#bc to a certain extent solo fans being upset about it#probably comes from the ever existing seniority complex within fandoms#that was VERY PREVALENT in the 1d community#like that insecurity is probably a fuel to it all#in a way that being an old directioner and them never touching a 1d track or speaking about it EVER would’ve felt in a different sense#but beyond psycho analyzing this….#all i truly hope for is them to be able to process that time#it makes me beyond happy that overall they all seem to hold that time positively#hell i was over the moon to see that zayn had even mentioned it at all#and i think yeah it took time because people are bound to ask#bc back to the other point… it’s a huge part of their careers and will probably always will be#and i get the want for them to be able to step away and continue to build themselves as soloists#but ignoring who they were in the group for the sake of solo work completely misses the point that#they are FULLY themselves when recognized for ALL their parts#X the soloist and X of one direction shouldn’t be to different people#because they’re not#(will continue in rb tags)
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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