#although i hate that term
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I'm not surprised that my leg is on fire from chronic pain but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.
#i went to the circus yesterday and so obviously today is going to be a bad pain day but i'm still tired of always being in pain#chronic pain means chronic fatigue#so i'm also exhausted#chronic pain#chronic fatigue#chronic illness#although i hate that term#disabled#disability#disabilties#hypermobility#hypermobility spectrum disorder#hip labral tear
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Day 6941 of pondering over Odysseus’s hair color again. Dark will forever live rent free in my head but red is gorgeous and brown is so commonly accepted and auburn as a mixture is beloved but then dark is still living rent free in my head…
Basically, depending on how you interpret the color of ξανθός (xanthos, for his hair) and κυάνεος (kyaneos, for his beard) to be
#tagamemnon#the odyssey#greek mythology#odysseus#homer’s odyssey#the iliad#homer’s iliad#Homer literally went like: Xanthos! Ok I’ll leave it to yall#textbook interpretation for xanthos is “yellow/golden” but you know how “cursed” the image of a blonde Odysseus is?#not that I hate it it’s just that it’s a spectrum covering more shades than merely “yellow”#but what would you do with a spectrum?#have his hair changing colors or smth?#his beard is easier to decide cuz kyaneos is dark indeed#but xanthos doesn’t go into the spectrum of “dark”. It’s lighter as in shade#besides his hair doesn’t necessarily have to go like his beard cuz they could have different colors according to genetics#although…could you imagine an auburn-haired Odysseus with a dark beard?#that’s probably the closest design to this description that I can imagine#but then iirc xanthos being used for auburn hair is quite late as in Romans’ times?#but then Homer is not being any useful here since xanthos is quite a broad term so accuracy doesn’t even matter in this case#why am I putting these in the tags I have no kriffing idea#Lyculī crustula
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In theory I'm down with the concept of characters romancing each other if not pursued by the player character. Less so in practice because I have historically never liked the combinations bioware makes on their own.
So I am just imagining my second playthrough seeing Neve flirt with someone she has no chemistry with
#DA Tag#I mean we'll see I guess#Don't take me too seriously#The only combination I actually liked was Jacob and Kasumi and look where that got me lmao#I guess I don't hate Vega/Ash#Mostly because I am thrilled someone in these games actually sees her as desirable as I do#and then I just straight up hate ta//ibrations I'm sorry#Maybe you can count Alistair and Anora? I do like them#But you have to orchestrate that#I hate both Hawke Siblings pair#Indifferent to Fenabela although I don't think it was meant to be long term#And I hate Josie and Blackwall#Again that was never meant to go anywhere#But if bioware had balls they would have had Blackwall crushing on Vivienne#Indifferent to Dorian and Bull#Sera and Dagna's cute but of course it's only mentioned#Ship Hate
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I feel kind of bad about doing something so petty, but each time I block a shipbrained weirdo, I feel a little lighter. And I think this will make my experience a lot better overall. I wasn’t caught up on the show until Chikhai Bardo, which is when I finally got online about it. And I’ve loved speculating about what might happen and discussing interpretations of various details and things like that, but honestly the shippers are also ruining it a little bit for me, to the point that I’m starting to feel hints of bitterness toward characters I love and relationships I’m invested in. Solely because of the dismissive, reductive, and bizarrely competitive attitudes I see shippers take toward the characters outside of their ship, and also tbh the objectification of the characters within their ship, and the horniness for the most toxic, psychologically damaging possible versions of the ship & characters. So this is the policy now. If your weird aggressive post makes me feel a streak of resentment toward a beautifully written character, well then so long, friend
#I recognize this post is also weird and aggressive. sorry. I’m just so tired of it and I hate that it affects my enjoyment of the show#inb4 someone thinks this is vagueposting a particular ship: no I’ve felt pissed if at plenty of both markhelly and markgemma fans#*pissed off#although when I talk about the frothing at the mouth for psychologically damaging toxicity I am thinking more of markhellys.#I think probably bc the fetishization of huge age gaps; weird crazy power dynamics; hypersexuality born of serious mental health issues etc-#-all tie in way too closely with my severe traumas of my teens/early twenties#and it’s fucked up bc I don’t think any of those things are actually significant factors in the markhelly relationship on the show!#like for one thing once you’re in your 30s a 13 year age gap is pretty meaningless#another side of this is ppl insistingggg that Gemma was really dead and only existed as a shell of herself. or was doomed in some other way#or that the relationship with mark was a failure. I’ll grant that the infertility issues put a lot of strain on the relationship. but also -#-every long term relationship goes through times of strain like that#but then on the other hand there are people who refuse to acknowledge that mark and helly’s relationship can possibly be meaningful-#important and real#reducing it to two children who like each other when the truth is it’s a deep connection and bond between adults#that’s love! they are in love#saying that imark should blindly follow omark and just walk into oblivion leaving his love behind#painting helly as catty and cruel#like have you even watched the show?#and either faction insisting that their ship is INEVITABLE and the only conclusion that makes sense for the show’s narrative arc-#when actually it’s perfectly transparent that the reason for saying so is not good faith analysis but rather ship motivated#BOTH relationships are beautiful and meaningful and important. that’s the point! that’s the tragedy!! is it so impossible to lean into and -#-explore that? I get that the tension that creates is challenging and maybe it feels psychologically easier to just pick a side and die on-#-that hill#idk I just think these guys might prefer something more like… The Twilight Saga maybe?#or just sports. pick a team and root for the team and that’s pretty much all there is to it!#r&r (ranting and raving)
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Tbh I’m convinced a lot of people would not be satisfied no matter where they live. Cities are trash, suburbs are trash, rural areas are trash. Every region and climate and state and country is trash to some people. Like what is it that people actually want in a home or community bc I hear from so many people who cannot see the good in Anywhere no matter how much privilege and resources and beauty they have in their life. To the point where they’re mad at other people finding anything to appreciate despite their own challenges. I understand there is a lot to be afraid of and complain about rn but running away will not make you feel better if you will continue to shit all over whatever life you build somewhere else
#like genuinely what do people actually wish for. does the perfect utopia in ur mind exist#would you even be happy with your own personal perfect society or would you still only find things to hate#some of us are happy just to have access to anything. having a community at all feels like utopia#acknowledge the beauty in your world or be mad forever#also maybe the problem isn’t the type of area u live in maybe the problem is systemic injustice#although a lot of these ppl are more so complaining abt ‘nothing to do’ in the most culturally vibrant imaginable locations#like can we stop acting like it’s politically incorrect to enjoy one’s surroundings or to appreciate Anything in life…#it’s all a very *ueer perspective too like if someone’s personal likes and dislikes don’t match yours they’re a bad person#personally I don’t even rly want to leave my state (other than for seasonal depression reasons)#but I’ve been shamed for not wanting to leave the country and even the PLANET (genuinely)… like come on man let us Try to tolerate life#and maybe im also just speaking as someone who has never had the privilege of settling down anywhere long term#so i can understand not wanting to be in the same place forever. but i would like to have a home and I would like to actually enjoy my home#again human differences in experience are normal and good. not everywhere and everyone is exactly the same and that’s good#anyway sry. had to do a task that requires focus in a loud environment n then saw a post shitting on someone for finding a home they liked#so I’m feeling extra bitchy atm#mine#txt#vent post
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Are Omar and Sara meant to be Hate Sinks?
That will have to be seen over time, when I update some drawings or texts.
#ask#first time I read this term “hate sink”#I justify myself by saying that I have yet to give you Sara's story#I did well creating these characters?#now this awakened my doubt#although I already showed it in the extra#And Omar has to wait for his arc.
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we're officially in combine week! if you're at all interested in starting your Draft Research now 🤓
#i've looked at some mocks/listened to some podcasts but frankly i think it's too early to have any Real opinions#because so much happens after the combine and pro days etc#so i can't speak to any actual players#but! in terms of what positions i'd like to see us draft...#well i think we're lucky that there are deep classes at RB TE and DL because those are ALL huuuuuuge positions of need for us#like we were lucky last year that we desperately needed OT and it was a deep OT class. snagging amarius at 18! steal!#of course this year we also need IOL and it's unfortunately not a great class for guards#so maybeeeee we take a guard R1? then R2 a good DL guy?#although i also could be persuaded to take the best possible pass rusher available at 17 and assume that any R2 guard would be an upgrade#over cappa or volson#and i knowww we gotta fix the defense but getting a reliable RB and TE could be a game changer for our offense too!#ugh only 6 picks this year. honestly i could see us trading back since it's a deeper class of what we need? i wouldn't hate that?#we'll see we'll see! these are my early draft thoughts!#i'll probably zero in on specific guys i want in march!#(last year i wanted amarius so bad and we GOT him. yay for me!)
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Anyhow happy birthday to my long departed grandfather, gramps you woulda loved the results coming out of Hyabusa 2 and OSIRIS-REx.
#He also woulda loved the Comercial Crew program which I hate#Honestly I desperately wish I could talk that one out with him#He was excited about the idea of commercial spaceflight but either he was wrong about how it would go#Or he had different priorities in terms of space exploration than I do#Either way I would really love to have gotten to the bottom of that one with him because on most other things he and I agree morally#Although there's a few other minorer points that might've come up if he were still around to discuss them#I say this with all my heart: fuck alzheimer's
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The ending of that chapter was quite angsty but Louis pretending he's not being catty by noting how inferior Anselm's dick is made me burst out laughing
I think relentlessly about how Louis felt the need to make sure Daniel knew Antoinette had a flat ass, so it just felt right, haha, although you know he'd never acknowledge it. I also actually lowkey think he would be cattier about men he knew Lestat was hooking up with than women too, funnily enough. I think they'd be harder for him to just dismiss, so he'd need to go search and destroy, haha.
#it kind of makes it interesting too in terms of the family dynamic that claudia's the one who kills antoinette not louis#although he obviously helps claudia to burn her in a way he won't lestat#i'm so curious as to how the show explores louis' opinion of nicki in s3 too#especially given he's kind of going to have two versions of him between armand's telling and lestat's#(as will daniel)#him being dead i imagine does make him a lot easier for louis to kind of file away#one of the things i'm most excited about with writing the courtesan au is being able to have him and nicki interact#(i just know they'd hate each other if they knew one another haha)#fic asks#like a dog-less bone
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i know it was just a haha funnies but mac saying "we don't want safe, charlie, we want toxic" about the glue really mirrors his relationships. he doesn't want safe (ignoring his uncle who represents the father figure he always wished for, also dismissing charlie who was there for him since childhood), he wants toxic (a mother who couldn't care less abt him, a dad who hates him except for his use, his codependent relationship with dennis which is mutually toxic but even more on dennis' side in the latter seasons). it's like he's programmed to reject love when it's just warmth.
#charmac#iasip posting#this is why macdennis works tho#bc dennis is controlling by nature (although recent seasons might suggest he is Tired of living that way)#and he has studied mac long enough to know macs twisted idea of love is only the toxic kind#so it works for the both of them lol#a symbiotic relationship#but its sad bc like macs chase for dennis sidelines his long term friendship w charlie#bc mac is so obsessed w getting acknowledged by the ppl who hate him#im glad the recent season is getting their friendship vibes back on track#as a charmac truther i would say im hoping for more (delusional)#charlie being like this is so annoying hes (donald) everything u ever wanted#if mac had a crush on charlie instead they would alr be canon#therefore in order for charmac to happen charlie needs to rival dennis' toxicity to mac thanku for listening to my ted talk
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Holy cow Gen V is like The Boys if The Boys was a show that had main characters whose motivations/stakes/development are actually interesting??!?
#the college setting lends itself to the raunchy over-the-top tone of the boys universe much better imo#and when these characters make short sighted emotional and/or inappropriate choices its far less infuriating#a lot of my gripes with the boys is with several long term character arcs so we cant fully compare yet obvs#im not getting into my the boys rant... its very love-hate#on one hand its the best superhero franchise out there w/ its worldbuilding and take on corporate superheroism#on the other hand hughie is the worst character im meant to root for that ive ever encountered & billy's shtick has gotten super old#so im really into this show set in the same interesting universe but without the characters for whom i cannot b asked to be invested in#although i had rose colored glasses during the first season of the boys too so theres plenty of time for gen v to get dumb#am i being biased because I'm very 👀😍🤪 over Jordan? yes yes i am but its also a bias that bends towards objective truth ☝️#dani talks about tv
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#⚠️ disclaimer ⚠️ i HATE the words creators and content and shit like that#i just used that word as an ☂️ term to include musicians digital artists painters film directors and so on and so forth#and art from my favorite artists felt a bit too redundant#also imo all artists are creators but not all creators are artists#although some creators actually do make art sometimes#not all they make is art though#ok i could go on about this forever so yeah i’ll 🤐 now#art#artists
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i wouldnt go so far as to call the calling a good book necessarily, but it's so much better than the stolen throne and it's actually got an interesting plot & lore, it's very refreshing when im reading them in order
#personal#da#i love grey warden stuff it's so juicy. horrifying! especially in this book! im glad they went that route!#still not a good book! but not on the same level as the stolen throne. god.#one thing about the da books is that they do generally trend upwards in quality which makes reading them a decent experience#or at least a better experience than it would be otherwise#in terms of being a good book the one i enjoy the most is last flight (although the current day chapters are a bit empty)#but for lore the calling probably is my favourite#asunder and the masked empire are better books than these first two but the plots...... god the plots.#if he wasnt the protag of asunder i think i would feel pretty indifferent towards rhys but that book makes me *hate* him#and as for the masked empire........ well ive talked before about how i just cant bring myself to care AT ALL about orlesian politics#some of the elf bits are interesting. give me a book about felassan. but also. yeesh. they did the wlw baaaad#not that i can complain if im saying i like the calling. one of the more jarring instances of bury your gays#like hey could you maybe give us wlw relationships that arent terrible and mlm relationships where they dont DIE
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the nere fight without a sorcerer is hell on earth. that fight is always unpleasant, but without corydalis? it was so so so much worse. he can immediately kill the sergeant & nere in the very first turn. unfortunately with the way that battlefield is structured & how the enemies are dispersed, it is impossible to achieve that with a paladin. or any other class, I think.
sorcerers are just. better.
#bg3#bg3 spoilers#thoughts about media#HATE not having corydalis. you don't realise just how powerful sorcerers are until you don't have one.#for the record- this is how it took him one turn:#that level 3 lightning spell lined up over both of them (it will cover the distance) then meta magic quickened spell to do it again.#I believe this could be possible with a wizard if you used a haste potion? but I didn't want to cancel gale's potion of strength.#and he used his level 3 slots on counterspell. which was VERY necessary.#then astarion isn't high enough level in his wizard multiclass to use that spell.#like yeah paladins are strong too AND they can hit twice in one turn without using a bonus action.#in fact if you multiclass- you can stack a lot of extra hits onto a paladin.#the thing is? a sorcerer doesn't need all that. a sorcerer doesn't need to multiclass.#sorcerers are just. incredible on their own. best class in the game. hands down.#although I do think bard & paladin are right after sorcerer in terms of strength.#as soon as wyll hits level 6 in warlock. i'm multiclassing his remaining levels into sorcerer. no more suffering.
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A related tangent that I'm going to share here to spite you all for keeping this post from dying the quiet death a post I made at midnight about an email I didn't like deserves, but when I was first considering if I was autistic and doing the whole self-evaluation thing to kick things off, one of the questions was "Are you the 'eccentric professor' of your family" which, by any objective analysis of what they meant by the question and were trying to get me to think about the answer is yes 10/10 I am indeed I know a lot of shit about specific areas and am absolutely weird.
HOWEVER, my grandfather, may his memory be a blessing, was literally a professor of chemistry and was literally known for his funky eccentric shirts, so of my family, I am absolutely NOT the eccentric professor, I'm second in the rankings probably but I can't touch the first place's qualifications for the title. I answered 'very true', but was deeply annoyed about how that constituted a lie, technically, even though it was an answer to what they were asking, which is a) the sort of thing I'm trying to talk about in the first clause of this post and b) almost a better diagnostic criteria than the actual evaluation it was from.
This may just be the autism speaking, but I fucking hate when customer surveys ask me 'how likely are you to recommend this or that to a friend' because they are lying about what they're asking. I am 0% likely to recommend almost any product to any friend and especially not by brand if at all possible, but what they want to know is 'did you have a decent experience with the thing' and that's a whole other fucking question if you want that answered fucking ask that. Except if I answer the question they're asking instead of the secret question, they yell at their employees on my behalf which I never wanted either. Terrible system, would not recommend it to a friend.
#This is also why I'm so hung up on the question of what they're trying to ask here#Like some people are saying no they truly want to know are you the sort of person who recommends things#And most people are saying what they want to know is if you'd recommend it in a situation where someone asked#And these questions sound very very similar but the correct answers are miles apart on most things#And what I believe is that they want the later although I phrased it somewhat poorly in terms of 'did you enjoy'#But what I also believe is that putting anything less than a perfect score gets people yelled at#And the notes here seem to have my back on that point so I'll continue to believe it#But what one must do as a consequence of knowing that to be true is lie to the survey makers and I hate creating bad data
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Ignore
#delete later#as awful as the past couple of weeks have been in terms of intrusive thoughts and random waves of panic and intense emotions and#blankness. there have also been random patches that have been. okay. and that is how i know my medication is working#bc the times ive been like this and not medicated? there has been no reprieve#like although i feel. awful and useless and am internalising my work failures in a non helpful way that im trying to fight#i am having moments of#hey we're okay. they raised an issue in a way that was gentle bc youre a good employee usually. and honestly although you#feel terrible for fucking up. someone you care about very much died a month ago. you have been experiencing a mental health#almost crisis (i refuse to call it a full crisis bc im not self destructing really badly) and quite frankly the fact that you're functioning#at all is. pretty decent. youre trying. i am of course having moments where im convinced that they hate me and want to fire me immediately#but that has no evidence. and the fact that i know it has no evidence is a pretty insane piece of progress#shout out to my therapist from two courses ago who drilled the moral shit into my head.#she genuinly helped me a lot with this.#also was really really hoping for the usual christmas bonus this year bc my finances are tighter than usual but the company had a#lean year so no bonuses for anyone. so dont have the leeway to try out sliding scale therapy for a while. but it is what it is.#this will pass. its just been a rough four months and i havent had a break. ive also been waiting fir thr other shoe to drop at work#and it finally has so i can at least stop torturing myself over maybes. im getting my meds. i can refer myself to nhs depression#therapy. which will be mostly useless and the same as it always is but it tends to help me feel like im trying to progress which is still#helpful in some small way. it will be what it will be. one day at a time and all that jazz#this is also how these things go for me. i lose it slowly over a month or so. have a horrific couple weeks until a day of a genuine#full breakdown. i survive that day and the day after and then slowly start clawing myself up again. ive just had a few breakdown#days this time. what can ya do. is what it is. im sure I'll have another breakdown soon as i can tell im not done crying#and will almost certainly have a breakdown at my parents bc i am not good at hiding the dead eyed look and mum will#definitely clock im being weirder than usual with food and touching things. so there'll be a#anyway nevermind. ill do what i must
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