#also these are not my sole blorbos but seem to be the ones that make my brain go AAAAAH the loudest

[skyjynxart]

SO I was introduced to a new thing, and it really highlighted the 3 primary ways I acquire blorbos.

[jerzwriter]

Our fandom is made up of 30 people, half of whom have the other half blocked, so I'm an idiot for even addressing this. But since this continues to be posted publicly, I'm going to set my record straight—MY RECORD. I'm not speaking for anyone else, and no one else can speak for me. None of us are mind readers, no matter how much some seem to believe they are.

Back in April, a creator posted commissions of Bryce Lahela and Keiki Lahela in which the two AAPI characters were whitewashed. I interacted with this post in two ways: I ❤️-ed and commented on it from my personal blog. Also, I was the mod of CFWC at the time and I reblogged it there as part of the Choices Fics/Art of the Week. When I realized what I had done, I posted an apology here without solicitation.

I was angry at myself for my involvement and distressed that my actions caused pain to others. I know whitewashing is wrong. It is racist. I've spoken out about it in the past. Still, I interacted. But I didn't delete my comments to try to hide my involvement as some did. See, when I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong. I apologize and will make amends when it's the appropriate thing to do. So, criticism and corrections are never a problem for me. In fact, they're welcomed because it allows for reflection and improvement.

I'm sharing information not as an excuse but solely for context. See, the world isn't as black and white (no pun intended) as some like to believe it is.

I interacted with that post at around 1:00 AM after being awake for over 18 hours after working a long day, tending to real-life responsibilities, and seeing real-life friends (something I suggest each of you attain.) I was exhausted and should have gone to sleep. Instead, I logged on to reblog and do my "CFWC-work". Something I did every day (for free...) when I was still the CFWC mod.

When I was reblogging, I noticed it was the OP's birthday post (it was mentioned in bold in the header). I interacted from my personal to be kind, and I reblogged to CFWC as I did with all submissions. Did I really "look" at the art? No, I did not. I was exhausted and working on auto-pilot. I'm sure you've all done it - ever end up home and not remember the walk/drive there? I'm sure you have.

Now, I'm sure our fandom mind readers will scream, "WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE!" and "HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE!" And have at it. In fact, that's exactly what I said to myself ... days after ... when I happened to see a post calling it out (days after THAT post was originally shared). I went back to look at the OP again, and that was the first time I truly looked at the art, and I was like, "Dude, what the fuck?" <- That was directed at me for not seeing it before because it was so obvious, and I was super upset over it.

I took action and accountability right away. I deleted the reblog from CFWC and took it off the F/AotW List. I removed my comments from the OP and really reflected. I discussed it privately with the OP - you know —like an adult. Then, I issued a public apology, and, most importantly, I learned from it.

It was a reminder to check my white privilege. Did I not see it instantly because I was exhausted and not paying attention, or was it because I am so used to seeing through the lens of privilege that I overlooked it? Truth is, it was a little of both. So now I know to be more cognizant and do better going forward. It was a reminder that no matter how much you think you've learned, there is always more to learn. Always.

It was also a reminder to be more conscious of the content I interact with. I have always tried to interact with as many creations/posts as I could so people felt appreciated. Most people in our fandom are not very supportive. They will interact with one or two of their friends at most. I know how much people put into their little blorbos, and I won't apologize for trying to make people feel appreciated. But no more. Now, I'm interacting much less and only when I have the chance/time to TRULY look everything over. (To those of you who ❤️ something to go back and look at it later, you may want to reconsider that, too.)

I also posted this, and it was especially offensive to some - though for the life of me - I'll never understand why. It's merely saying stop with the vaguing, stop with the hate anons, just talk constructively. It was not directed solely at this event - but every stupid fucking bit of drama I've seen. Everyone is so quick to assume the worst in everyone. Things would be so much better, and so much needless drama could be avoided if people communicated like the grown-ups they profess to be.

Just be a decent human being, and spare me the "it's not my job" bullshit. Because if you're screaming about it publicly, you've already made it your job. You're just not doing the job very well.

I'm not perfect. I have, do, and will make mistakes - just like every single one of you reading this will - but I'm committed to treating people fairly and learning when I make mistakes, and I will offer grace when others make mistakes and show contrition because I know no one's house is clean.

I ran CFWC for years and tried to make it as inclusive as possible and encouraged diversity. A mistake was made, and it was immediately corrected. That does not make a blog racist, and it's narrow-minded and ignorant to suggest it is. But as is often the case in this fandom, those who criticize the most are those who tend to offer the least. Always have a problem with the way things are done, but god damned if they'll do anything to benefit the fandom as a whole.

I hate seeing all the problems and division this has caused. I hate that three people have come to me and told me that they were told to "choose a side." That they want to interact with me publicly but are afraid to for fear of attack. I'm telling you right now, no one will ever hear that from me. I will never tell anyone to block anyone. In fact, I only block people I consider unsafe or who block me - because you don't get to have it both ways. In real life, if a friend tells me I have to choose between them and another friend? I will ALWAYS choose the friend who did not ask me to choose because the one who did already showed me who they are. Make your own choices, but if you feel you can only interact with me privately, I'd rather you block me and move on. I don't need "friends" like that.

It was very hurtful that someone I considered a friend didn't think enough of me to come to me privately and assumed the worst of me without so much as a word. A conversation could have done wonders. But you know what that tells me? The "friendship" wasn't as much of a friendship as I had believed. It happens, and it stung for a bit, but that's done. After all, we never lose true friends.

I totally broke my rule of not explaining myself to those who were committed to misunderstanding me, but I just had enough. Besides, I don't give a damn about them - consider it a gift to my haters. Have at it - tear it all apart - if that's what you live for and have nothing better to do - go for it. I honestly feel sad for you. I wrote this for me - to put my truth out there. And I wrote it for those who are afraid to say these things themselves, and trust, they are out there. It's really, really, really pathetic that a fandom about stupid pixelated people devolves into this.

[blubushie]

Are there some things you dislike about fans' interpretation of the other mercs?

Yeah uh. This is long so it's under the cut. Whole TF2 fandom boutta be like 2Fort on my arse.

I hate how people make Medic "evil". He's fun and goofy and likes doing experiments and he'll betray the people paying him for the sake of his long-time coworkers who he's mates with. He's not evil, he's not manipulative, outsmarting the LITERAL DEVIL doesn't make you a bad person. There is literally nothing in canon to point to Medic being evil except MAYBE stealing a bloke's spine (coulda been dark humour for all we know) and turning a criminal into a sentient pumpkin, which is something that Engie HELPED HIM DO but no one goes around calling him evil. Medic is chaotic good or chaotic neutral, he is not evil.

The amount of people who are downright racist about Demo, or the amount of people who reduce his addiction to the butt of a joke. There's a lot of shit that I notice. They act like Demo isn't fiercely loyal—look at his relationship to his mum). They act like he's lazy because he's an alcoholic—HE HAS 3 JOBS AND WANTS MORE, HE WASN'T LAZY IN THE COMICS HE WAS DEPRESSED BECAUSE HE LOST ALL HIS MATES. On the other end of the coin, you have people insisting that Demo's alcoholism isn't as bad as it actually is, as if substance abuse is a fucking moral failing and they can't have their blorbo be a bad person by just letting him be the alcoholic he's shown to be in canon.

As an intersex man: do not get me fucking started on the amount of intersex+NB headcanons I've seen of Pyro. People need to realise that like the rest of the human population, most intersex people are cis, that gender is not equivalent to sex, and that EVERY intersex character being non-binary promotes a harmful stereotype. Actually I'll be honest—I side-eye EVERY intersex Pyro headcanon what's made by a perisex person. Most the time they give off massive virtue signal vibes and I really don't like how the second you can't clearly determine someone's gender people immediately go "ah, intersex" like we're all visually androgynous. I also don't like how the person MOST OTHERED ON THE TEAM is always given the intersex headcanon. It doesn't make me feel represented, it makes me feel like everyone already seems me as an other and that's all I'll ever be.

People who act like the pronoun police and insist Pyro's pronouns are they/them. Canonically Pyro is always and consistently referred to as he/him except when he's being dehumanised by his own team and called it. It's cool if you headcanon Pyro as using they/them, just remember it ISN'T CANON and you shouldn't be getting on people's arse about non-canon pronouns. What are you a cop?

On a similar vein, the amount of people who infantilise Pyro. Pyro was literally the CEO OF A COMPANY who was responsible for RECORD PROFITS OF THAT COMPANY. Pyro is an adult. People assume that because Pyro hallucinates or enjoys "childish" things that it means Pyro's a child. Please be fucking normal about mental illness, my god.

People who make Scout transfem for the sole purpose of shipping Scout with Pauling, worse even if they outright make it so that Scout transitioned SPECIFICALLY to hook up with Pauling. You realise that you're enforcing TERF "all transfems are predatory and transition just to get chicks/transfem lesbians are just straight men" rhetoric right? Please tell me you're aware. People who make Scout transfem for reasons beside this (ie you just like transfem Scout) and still hook her up with Pauling for fun, I love you and this post is not about you. <3

People who ignore Medic's likely bisexuality in favour of writing him as a strictly gay male. Bi erasure is fucking real lads. If you have the view that Demo was talking out his arse and didn't actually shag Medic's wife cuz he's not even married, cool ok. I'm talking about the people who insist Medic's wife was his beard.

People who act like the ship police with Pauling's sexuality when her being a lesbian was something mentioned in one tweet on Twitter by Jay, not approved by Valve, and never referenced in the source material (outside of MAYBE how she stared at Zhanna while she was fighting robots, but that facial expression could also be interpreted as impressed or "so horrified she can't look away". Especially when she outright agreed to go on a second date with Scout in Expiration Date. If you headcanon her as a lesbian, cool! Just don't enforce it on other people and give them flak for shipping her with non-women characters. This applies to people aggressively enforcing Medic's sexuality as well. What are you a cop?

How the character people trans the most is the white skinny twink, white skinny otter, or white wolf. Why not Demo? Trans people of colour exist too. I can count the trans Demo headcanons I've seen on one hand. Why not Heavy? Why not Heavy? You know fat trans people exist too right?

My family is southern and half the time people don't know what the fuck goes on down south. Tell me you've never been to a cookout without telling me you've never been to a cookout. They either write him as too northern/coasty and only enforce the "stereotype" southern aspects of him, or they write him as racist/homophobic/transphobic/etc because he's southern. Luckily the latter gets a LOT of pushback on Tumblr so I haven't seen it much, but it's more prevalent on Twitter and fanfic sites.

People conveniently ignoring how Heavy's father was killed and his family was imprisoned by the USSR so they can call him a communist. Lol what. I get that you hate capitalism but you realise there's more options than just capitalism vs communism vs socialism right? That you can hate/dislike communism without also being a capitalist? Heavy would not support communism after what the USSR did to his family in the name of communism because his father was a counter-revolutionary. Also people ignoring WHY Heavy's father was killed, and how his father having different politics got his whole family, including innocent children chucked to a GULAG IN SIBERIA where they were starved and constantly abused by the guards, and how even after their escape the government continued to hunt them with the intent of killing them. He would not be a communist. He probably sees a hammer and sickle in his fucken nightmares.

Spy being evil and an arsehole. You know his schtick is the suave gentleman right? He's cool but he also has to be cringefail. And arsehole is a far cry from a gentleman.

People making Soldier a bigot. Har har I know it's funny to joke about the bloke obsessed with America being a bigot, but do you honestly think he cares enough? He's xenophobic at worst. Everyone is assumed to be American and his best mate is a black Scottish cyclops. Half the time I'm convinced you people want Soldier to be a bigot so you can write bigoted shit and not cop shit cuz it's coming out of his mouth.

Carrying on from prev, the amount of people I've seen use the time setting as an excuse to be bigoted towards the characters. This is ESPECIALLY prevalent where it seems like every story-focussed fic of Demo has a scene where someone is being racist to him and he Heroically Sticks Up For Himself or someone else sticks up for him to show How Much They Don't Care About Being Seen With A Black Man (usually it's Soldier, sometimes it's Sniper). You realise everyone knows racism is bad, right? That that's really not necessary? It wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't in EVERY FIC but it's like the author always needs to proudly claim themselves Not Racist while writing REALLY RACIST SHIT directed at the ONE CONFIRMABLE MAN OF COLOUR on the team just so they can yell "RACISM BAD but here's me jumping at the opportunity to call a man of colour a racial slur".

Well, reckon that about covers her...

[legobiwan]

1-the character everyone gets wrong for Gravity Falls and 16-you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc) for Star Wars ??

The character everyone gets wrong (Gravity Falls)

I want to preface this answer by saying that I think there are a plethora of fantastic Gravity Falls fics, comics, and metas out there that address and explore Stanley's possible mental health issues in light of everything we've learned about his backstory, which is pretty damn bleak. And yes, I do enjoy reading this angst.

The fandom tends to focus on this particular side of Stanley and with good reason - it is absolutely fertile ground for analysis and there is no doubt he is a tortured individual.

But there is a tendency to "blorbo-ize" Stan and his sympathetic history. While he was absolutely forced into some horrendous situations and had to make decisions based solely on survival probability, this is also a man who has a rap sheet a mile long, has outstanding warrants throughout the majority of the country, and is heavily, heavily implied to have been dealing in cartel business.

You don't get that far in these circles without having a backbone of steel and the capacity to do some seriously shady - and bloody - shit. Sure, Stan eventually bailed from the more hardcore aspects of his existence. And this isn't to say he's fundamentally a bad person or even liked everything he was doing - but he is a dangerous man, whether that danger comes at the end of a gun barrel or a marked ace of spades.

And I think this aspect of his character gets underplayed in a lot of fandom. (Interestingly enough, Ford is the one who is generally allocated this role, due to his dimensional hobo life on the run. And Ford is a badass, but Stan is equal to his brother in this, albeit in a different context). Stan maybe wants to forget that part of his life (understandable), but he didn't get as far as he did being a criminal (you don't get to rack up that kind of sheet and stay mostly clear of the law without some considerable feats) without developing certain skills and he'd be dead five times over if he weren't some kind of threat. Yes, by the time we meet him in the show, those instincts may have been dulled, likely intentionally, but this is the same man who admits to having 10 firearms in his household, even if his reasoning is (seemingly) ludicrous.

Runners-up: Mabel and the Flanderization of her zaniness. (Let's not forget she put the majority of the puzzle pieces together in Not What He Seems). Ford's seemingly god-like combat skills (the man gets his ass handed to him on multiple occasions in the show and is in constant need of rescue after he comes back from the Portal. Don't get me wrong - I love a badass Ford - but he wasn't exactly batting 1.000 after returning to Gravity Falls).

16. You can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc) (Star Wars)

I fully expect to get pilloried by certain factions of the fandom for this opinion, and to be honest, it's been a long-standing thorn in my side.

The Jedi were not 100% without fault and yes, some of decisions they made fed into their ultimate demise.

Was it deserved? No. Were they evil? No.

Were they a stagnant organization led by a creature who had lived long enough to distance himself from the day-to-day concerns of the majority of mortal beings under his care? Yes. Did they have an effective strategy to combat their massive, massive PR problem - a problem which ended up with them characterized as a baby-snatching cult of superbeings that could easily usurp the will of a (corrupt) Republic government? Nooooo, not at all.

They refused to play politics. Until they had to play politics. And they lost on all sides.

There was so much emphasis on tradition and purity of said tradition in the organization - even if the highest members of the Council didn't necessarily 100% agree with this - the mythology of it was present enough in the Jedi Temple, that constant, subtle pressure to do things in a certain way, to avoid wholly the Dark Side (even if the individual teachings of the Masters went against this). The Jedi wanted to change, but at the same time, couldn't budge the 1,000 ton boulder of their past until it was too late to avoid Palpatine's machinations.

The ultimate tragedy is that the Jedi meant well, but couldn't collectively nudge their organization towards change.

And they did make some baffling decisions - Anakin being allowed to train at all being peak among them. (And then letting Obi-wan - a grieving 25-year old being held hostage by a deathbed promise - to train Anakin, as per the "will of the Force..." This was not well-thought out by anyone involed.)

Dooku had legitimate criticisms of the Order, even if he ultimately expressed his grievances by betraying everyone and everything he loved and aligning himself with an ultimate evil that not even he could overcome. Qui-gon, for all of his many fault, had some great ideas for the Order and should have been on the Council - if for not other reason, than to upset the status quo (and yes, I know he turned it down, and that's another story altogether).

It feels, that in a certain way, the Jedi were crushed by their own mythology, and by the time that leviathan breached the surface, it was far too late for change.

Discussions of the Jedi have a tendency to polarize quickly, and I'd love for there to be more space for exploration of where they did fail without consigning the whole organization to the out-of-touch and evil-by-incompetence box.

(And caveat lector: post this fully admitting I haven't meditated on Star Wars lore in quite some time, so excuse some of the broader strokes of this analysis).

Ask me a spicy fandom question

[rev-wrath]

Dropping by your inbox to ramble about my OCs (cause, the tag function lets me somewhat keep track of what I've written about them when I rb this from you) bc they're my blorbos that not many people know about.

So, as I've said before, it's a story mainly revolving around a god (Ares), a human (Genesis), and an angel (Samzaya). Basically, Gen moves to live her life as a lighthouse keeper (even though the job is mostly done by machines in modern times. but divine intervention pulled her there) and on her first night, a terrible storm brings Ares and Samzaya into her 'new' home. Somehow, neither of them can leave.

Originally, I imagined Ares to show his face from the very beginning, but looking at lore/myths, I figured it would be better if his face was hidden. By a motorbike helmet or a veil of a kind (to shove in the fact that he's not human). Samzaya's an angel who has watched humanity from afar, but never interacted or was close to them. They're a type of angel called a Watcher and those types of angels were the first to fall in love with humans and produce nephilims. They don't know shit about humans, and Gen + Ares (the most human god, as I like to call him) have to teach them how to act around humans ('don't go in all divine light ablaze, don't talk in that staticky way, etc')

Gen is... She's human. But she's also kind of not? Her mother was a Korean shaman and her father Catholic priest but before he officially became one. But she's also blessed by Diwonuso (which really shouldn't happen, and it's related to the apocalypse)

As said, the first half of the story line I have for the trio is them developing a relationship with each other, and the other half is around the mish mash of pantheons forcing hunters/exorcists/deities from different beliefs banding together to stop the angels and demons from making their own pantheon the sole one in the world.

Oh yeah, the three of them also drop into Tartarus at one point, and this results in trauma for everyone!

Have some snippets (+ some random footnotes and comments) of a WIP I was working on like three months ago.

“Not really.” Her voice sounded off to her own ears. Maybe she was dissociating a little bit. “My family’s religion is Buddhism.” “Thou dost not feel of the essence of Buddha.” She flinched at the trilling, high pitched sound coming from the incomprehensible entity’s general area as well as the sensation of their words being slammed into her mind instead of her ears. “For the love of Hades- put on a form that wouldn’t hurt the mortal’s fragile body-” the man said a word that she didn’t quite understand. But she could tell that it was an insult from the way the man’s lips curled and the way he all but spat out the last word. The incomprehensible entity seemed to turn their gaze directly to where the man was sitting. “Watch thy tongue, pagan god, lest I deem it fit to rip it from thine mouth-”

The Fates were bullshit, and Ares[1] could not care less about the children of Nyx. He hated the fact that he was all but thrown into the middle of his uncle Poseidon’s domain. He hated that he was all but fished out of the ocean by the mortal and the angel. And he hated that out of all his fellow Olympians, he was the most intimately intertwined with the mortals. Not Aphrodite. Not Hestia. Not his mother or his father. Him. Maybe Dionysus[SK1] . But his half-brother was of mortal origin, so he didn’t really count. He was Ares, God of War. He had died a thousand deaths with the soldiers on the field. He will die a thousand more. Unlike Athena, who strategized and commanded, only fighting with mortals when she deemed it needed, he had always been there. Had felt spears and arrows and bullets pierce and end the lives of soldiers. Out of all the Olympians, his ichor was the most mingled with red. The moment the angel unleashed their warning, he was shrugging off the towel- it was in Athena’s colour- and he was lunging for the mortal who had been surprisingly unperturbed in the presence of a god and a servant of ‘the Lord’. He covered the mortal’s ears with his hands, and he couldn’t help but pause momentarily when he felt how soft she was. He had forgotten how soft mortals were. Had forgotten how fragile their body and soul was. [1]Epithet to note; Ares Gynaecothoenas, the god feasted by women. The women of Tegea in Arcadia defeated the invading Spartans to defend their city, capturing the Spartan king whilst they were at it. Whilst the depiction didn’t show Ares’ involvement and seems to focus on the ability that Marpessa showed to take initiative. The women later partook in a feast that only women were invited + to honour Ares. And babe, he was literally the patron god of the Amazons.  [SK1]Do I want him to be Zagreus too? He’s also Diwonuso… A god that was once mortal is such a tasty idea, no matter how many times I’ve seen it done. Maybe Gen could mimic it to a degree? She could be the immortal cursed with mortality… Cursed to reincarnate over and over and over again?

Have I told you lately you’re cool? Because you are. I love this so much. Absolute patchwork relationship with three different beings from three different backgrounds. The absolute care Ares has for Gen? Oh, I love it. Samzaya’s a “I am so far removed from humanity, I know much and so little at the same time” which is fantastic. I love them already and look forward to hearing what the fuck their apocalypse is all about.

[soullessjack]

so one of my other problems with babyjack is that the fandom just seems to have this sort of collective cognitive dissonance about it, in almost any context or discussion. like this post as probably my only standing example (bc it’s the only one to have gotten traction), there are all these tags about how babyjack leads to bad dean criticism, or how it’s nice in aus but they want canon complex jack, and like I’m not entirely disagreeing with that, but it is so fucking frustrating that people are still ignoring the actual problem with it and either only focusing on the most surface level issues that personally affect them or their corner of the fandom, or making up some point of acceptability for it that frankly isn’t theirs to make.

it’s the autistic experience of our struggles never being seen or cared about until they become other people’s inconveniences, and our voices being used to say something else entirely. when the main takeaway of that post is how the fandom’s treatment of jack being in a way he’s explicitly shown to hate being treated directly mirrors autistic people’s struggle for autonomy in the real world, I really do not need you to make it about how it makes your golden website boy dean look like a big meanie pants, okay? that’s definitely a part of it, but it’s not at all what we are talking about, and it 100% should not be the only reason you care.

and especially when the other takeaway is how this is just a smaller scale issue that comes from autistic infantilization, the absolute last take I want to hear is that you find that infantilization acceptable as long it’s an AU or something else separated from canon. believe me, I’m beyond glad more people actually prefer canon complex jack—like, I don’t think you guys understand that that is legitimately a rarity to find here— but the thing about babyjack is that the concept itself is inherently ableist, and directly relies on his complexities (and the representation he means for us) being removed and erased so that he can even exist in the context of those AU’s. It feels very… ‘have your cake and eat it too’ to me.

I’m trying not to sound angry or accusatory, but I am also tired of having to force civility on a problem that’s pretty much just an open secret thar everyone collectively ignores and beats bushes around solely because they prioritize #domesticdestiel over all. I mean, do you guys even hear yourselves sometimes? Like half of it just boils down to “Autistic infantilization is always bad, except for this one context where it makes my ship look domestic and redeems my blorbo,” and it’s getting really fucking annoying to have to constantly explain something that is not only painfully easy to understand, but is understood and actively ignored, and still play nice so that somebody out there might listen.

So many people will say they like canon Jack and want more of him from the fandom, and I more than agree, but motherfucker you have a blog! You have the tools! Be the change you want to see! He doesn’t have to be your fav or your blog thesis blorbo, but if you want it, you are literally fully equipped to make it! Write some meta, draw some fanart, whatever. Better yet, you could even stop engaging with and perpetuating content that actively pushes down on what you want and, I must reiterate, is actively harmful and ableist. If you want domestic silliness go right ahead, but you don’t need to resort to ableism to do it.

I don’t think I’m asking too much or asking rudely, and frankly I don’t even think I owe niceties to anyone when it’s a problem that has been openly ignored for 6 years and holds plenty of bearing in the real world concerning my identity and community and shit we face constantly. Outside of our screens, we are constantly fighting for autonomy and recognition and representation, and even to be seen as people. Online spaces, especially fandom spaces, are a huge source of escapism and support that we wouldn’t get otherwise. So for the love of god, please stop bringing that fight here.

[ai-the-broccoli]

The Resignation and Resistance of Yukika Nanase, an analysis

Last Friday (September 29th, 2023) was the 15th of the Eighth Month in the lunar calendar, which is the date of the Mid-Autumn Festival/Chuseok/Tết Trung Thu/Tsukimi/Uposatha, festivals strongly associated with the autumn moon in Asian countries.

Since I happened to have some ThoughtsTM and writings on Yukika Nanase (whose release event, "Otsukimi is After an Elegant Tea Party" was about, well, [O]tsukimi, and who's got a lot to do with Yukika in general), I thought this might be a really good excuse for me to finally officially begin posting on Tumblr! So...

Here is the first one out of a few (perhaps?): a little something I first wrote earlier this year, though now refined, organized, and extended by... maybe over 5 times its original length, for posting on here.

(official CG of the full moon, as it's depicted in the Yukika-narrated event Otsukimi. why exactly there is a rainbow around it is solely up to interpretation)

You may or may not be aware that Yukika Nanase is one of my favorite characters and main blorbos in Magia Record, and while I'm sure personal preference (and her being Relatable™️ for me) counts for a good part of it as it usually does, I would personally argue that she is also just an exceptionally intriguing character in general.

Typically, the fandom at large seems to view Yukika as a daredevil ojou-sama of sorts and some thrill-seeking gambler (and a character that her designer Masugitsune really likes), etc, etc. Now, it's clear where that image comes from, and by no means is it totally off either, but once you really get around to watching or reading any of her stories, you basically immediately see an entirely different side to her than what you might've assumed from her fandom reputation. almost like... the back side of the moon, so to speak

Now, in the canon story content itself, Yukika is often treated as a somewhat comedic character by the narrative, especially in stories where she's not the main protagonist. By no means is this a complaint or a criticism: Elements of comedy don't make a character any less well-written (unless said comedy is implemented in a way that's ineffective or distracting, but that's another matter entirely), and with Yukika in particular I've found that she often works with comedy excellently.

Besides, the fact she often has a comedic-ish role is largely in line with (and partly because of) Yukika's own extremely effacing perception and framing of herself—however, it also makes it quite easy for one to simply completely overlook her own emotional complexities and problems, both in-universe and among fans in the community. Which is fair, even she herself does it! ...But I do want to draw attention to it here, since it's an aspect of her that's quite interesting to me.

So today I'm going to talk about... Yukika's fatalistic mindset and her mental health.

Long informal analysis under the cut:

[cw: major spoilers for most Yukika-related stories, vague reference to Ashen Revolution's themes and motifs (nothing actually spoilery aside from AR's short very first opening section, which will be directly quoted), clinical discussion of mental health issues, mention of addiction]

A Magical Girl who has lived without ever straying from the rails laid out for her since childhood. Raised as a young lady, she is able to handle everything with ease, but her self-esteem is extremely low because of all the talented ladies who surround her. Though she was fed up with the boring life she was leading, her life has taken a sharp turn since she became a Magical Girl, and now she is constantly caught up in trouble.

Yukika's Extraordinary Everyday Life

If you're already familiar with any of her canon stories (or have read her official character description above), you must know that Yukika's "main thing" is that she's always involved in all kinds of trouble on an extremely frequent basis.

Like almost any other playable character in MR, she has her moments™️ (and, the fact that she is in constant stress and anxiety due to the passive effect of her wish; when nothing is wrong she keeps worrying something is about to go wrong in no time and she apologizes for it in advance, and when something is wrong, she blames herself for no matter what it is and tries to take responsibility at top speed), but overall Yukika seems generally surprisingly "fine" as in, we pretty much never see her get into any particularly negative emotional outbursts over anything, at all. Despite all the troublesome situations that she never stops finding herself in, she seems decently adjusted and stable (that is, "stable" on the grand scale of things, since everyday instability is her stability), at least among the MR girls we know.

But when you look into why that is the case, you'll kind of see that it's because Yukika actually has her own unique sense of a fatalistic mindset—in that, typically speaking, (there are some notable exceptions, such as when she made her wish) she completely accepts the state of herself and the state of her life as they are, even though they are by no means what she genuinely sees as ideal.

For instance:

[Though with all that said, I am, so to speak, in the role of "Villager A". - Yukika]

Yukika: (As I was one of many “Black Feathers”...) Yukika: (I didn't have any desire to advance and become a White Feather someday.) Yukika: (Because those White Feathers who manage the Black Feathers are more suited to shining...) Yukika: Yes, like the pride of Mizuna Girls Academy, Akatsuki Tsukuyo-senpai…! Yukika: Even in Mizuna Ward, where many wealthy families produce polished children, Akatsuki-senpai is a genuine charm... Yukika: ...Just like the full moon. Yukika: (While I get saddled with Student Council Officer duty almost every year because I seem "sort of" ladylike, whatever that means...) Yukika: (Akatsuki-senpai has an aura leagues above mine.)

she looks weirdly happy in the last two (pretty self-deprecatory) lines here and then goes on to talk about how her presence is so faint that Akatsuki-senpai still doesn't know she's a Magical Girl yet, whi— ANYWAY I digress

From this early part of Otsukimi, we see that Yukika has a crush on Tsukuyo (for legal reasons this is completely? a joke) a pretty set idea of what her "role" in this world is supposed to be (i.e. she has a "fixed mindset", as some may call it, as opposed to a "growth" one), and that is the role of a "Villager A"—basically meaning an NPC character, to put it in more common terms.

Yukika: (Looking for a substitute for Akatsuki-senpai and being mistaken for Akatsuki-senpai…) Yukika: (Despite her absence from beginning to end, she's got the sense of presence of a true protagonist!) Yukika: (It's getting more impossible by the second for a minor role like me to pretend to be her...)

And this attitude is very telling of her outlook on life as a whole.

Student Council President: That’s right. Will you accept? Yukika: Please leave it to me. Yukika: Our already-busy President shouldn't have to deal with this kind of hassle. Yukika: As the lowliest Student Council Officer, I think that I'm the right person for the job. Girl A: ...Oh, I’ll help you too! Student Council President: Thank you, it’ll be a huge help. Yukika: By "the lowliest Student Council Officer", I mean the Student Council Chore Officer, of which one is selected from each class. Yukika: My job is to gracefully prepare the tea in the student council room, help pour the tea for the exchange parties, and so on. Yukika: ...That's a tremendously misleading description, of course. Yukika: But in short, since it's hardly comparable to the Student Council President, who's elected by the whole school, and the Class President, who's elected from her class's honor students... Yukika: The job naturally gets foisted on me, the vaguely cultured-ish girl with no aura and hardly any presence!

From her rank in the Wing of the Magius as a "lowly Black Feather", to her duty in the student council as the "Student Council Chore Officer", Yukika views her roles and positions of insignificance as essentially predetermined things that she—as a self-perceived NPC figure—is simply matched for by nature; and she never even considers the idea of breaking out of this status quo, because, to her, it is simply a fact of life.

and you may notice this in the way Yukika presents/frames things—anything—in general, too; she's basically got an attitude of "ah well, of course, things are how they are; now let me deal with it so it doesn't trouble anyone else" toward basically everything, ever.

This brings me to my next point...

A Bunny Caught in the Tracks of Orbit

Yukika: Speaking of the moon, I used to wonder when I was a kid... Yukika: When the moon faces the Earth, it only shows the side with the rabbit and its mochi. Yukika: Why doesn’t it show the “other face” on it’s back? Yukika: According to my physics teacher, this is because the moon’s cycle of “revolution” and “rotation” is the same. Yukika: It’s apparently quite common in space. Yukika: (I don’t know what the standard of “common” is in space, but...) Yukika: Ah... I am Yukika Nanase, a first-year student at Mizuna's Girls Academy and a Magical Girl. Yukika: Yes, I am one of those who reluctantly set foot into the world of Magical Girls— Yukika: the "other side" of common sense, that most people will live their lives without ever knowing.

(excerpt from the start of Otsukimi, slightly condensed for format)

It is very clear from Yukika's Magical Girl attire that she's associated with rabbits/bunnies—partly for the casino aesthetics, partly for the Alice's Adventures in Wonderland reference, and partly because of the Moon, which is heavily associated with rabbits in Japanese culture. Namely, there is the legend of the moon rabbit, a mythical creature said to live on the moon, as Yukika herself references in the excerpt above.

Now, the next part is going to look like a bit of a stretch if taken to be actual speculation of canon, but to be clear that is not my intention; it is merely a connection I made/similarity I noticed, and I figured it would be interesting to bring up.

(...Actually that does remind me, I should probably clarify here that this entire analysis is, in fact, of my own personal interpretations of the content presented in the game itself, rather than what I theorize to be the deliberate intention of the writers.)

With that out of the way, let's look at the opening section of Ashen Revolution:

Rabi: We can never stop the never-ending movement of the starry sky. Urara: However much I practice, I can never defy the gravitational pull drawing the diabolo. Alexandra: No matter how much I raise my voice, without this atmosphere, my melody will never resonate. Asahi: Yes, we are forever under the control of the unseen. Asahi: Like this rabbit, it lost its life at the hands of my unseen self. Asahi: Everything is made by the natural order, and being at the mercy of it is a fate we must resign ourselves to...

I won't go into details about AR here since on a technical level Yukika is entirely unrelated to it, but it is an event about the struggle of Magical Girls, who help people in secret but remain completely unknown, unacknowledged, and not understood. Which...

compare Yukika's previously quoted monologue, in which she compares the world of Magical Girls, which "most people will live their lives without ever knowing", to the backside of the moon.

Coincidentally, Yukika's own character is also all about helping people in the background and never ever being acknowledged (to a higher degree than the average MR girl). Relatedly, she also notably possesses a level of figurative invisibility/unseenness similar to the AR girls, through her entire recurring "faint presence" thing.

So, as seen in the AR excerpt above, the rabbit motif is used to demonstrate their helplessness in the hands of fate—or in their specific case, "fate" as in what they perceive to be the "Will of the Universe".

Well, funnily enough…

[Yes, I believe it's all due to the Great and Terrible Will of the Universe... - Yukika]

Yukika: (Here it is, the new hassle..!) Yukika: (The schedule has returned to a blank slate…) Yukika: (Rather, things have actually gotten worse thanks to the passage of time.) Yukika: (How can I put this? It’s as if...) Yukika: (It's as if some great and terrible will of the universe is at work,) Yukika: (and is specifically targeting me and creating trouble.)

…alright, so this is 99.1% a coincidence, especially because the two terms don’t use the same word for “will of the universe” in the original Japanese text, but it’s pretty crazy nonetheless.

In any case, the themes of fate and fortune are indeed actually heavily featured in Yukika’s own character. There’s her gambling motif as seen in her story, design, and gameplay alike, and her entire “keeps getting caught up in troublesome matters” thing, which is the result of her wish.

And how does she see it?

Girl A: Wouldn’t that mean you’d have more work? Yukika: Please don’t worry. Yukika: Dealing with trouble is my fate. Girl A: …Fate? Yukika: Ah, nothing! Let’s hurry! Girl A: Yeah, got it! Yukika: (Yes, I am involved in trouble on a daily basis.) Yukika: (It’s the “fate” that has been decided for me ever since I became a Magical Girl.)

"Fate". Once again, we see a certain degree of fatalism in Yukika's worldview, especially in regard to herself. Rather than a choice she's made on her own, she sees her behavior/self-imposed duty of helping everyone out as the luck of the draw, something that is "decided for" her.

And this part is extremely significant because it offers us a particularly revealing look into her mindset:

The truth is, in spite of everything she goes out of her way to do daily in order to resolve trouble and help/save other people, without actually being forced to do any of that by anything or anyone, Yukika sees literally all of those actions as passive acts rather than something she's doing out of her own free will (and isn't actually obliged to do, really)—because, no matter what she does she only thinks of it as the predetermined consequences of her own choice, for these issues are always the fault of the wish she personally made (or so she thinks), thus the responsibility to resolve them naturally always falls on her shoulder, which is why there's really never anything to brag about about this, according to Yukika.

As for why and how she made such a wish in the first place, that is explained to us in her MSS:

Yukika: …I do think that I was blessed in many ways during my upbringing. Yukika: But one day, um… In spite of all that luxury, Yukika: when I thought of how from then on, rather than moving forward with my own strength, Yukika: I would instead be riding the train toward the future on the tracks built by my parents, Yukika: I started to feel like I wasn’t really “living” at all…

Not necessarily relevant, but for a bit of a linguistic context, the word for “tracks” (in the sense of “rails; train tracks”) and the word meaning “orbit” (as in the trajectory of a celestial body around another; the curved course of a satellite) is the same word in Japanese (and various other languages. Which makes sense, since even the English term “orbit” was derived from the Latin word “orbita” meaning “tracks; course”); hence my title for this section. anyway this ties into the motif of gravity as seen in Urara's line above

Very interestingly, the original line here too explicitly uses train and train track imagery as a metaphor for the course of life and fate, similar to how it's used to symbolize these things in Kenji Miyazawa's The Night on the Galactic Railroad, and by extension Magia Record, which takes a lot from Miyazawa's works.

Speaking of which, that brings us to our next, largest, and final section...

A Thin Ice Between Life and Death

buckle up guys, it's got three parts

Pt. 1. The Rabbit with a Death Wish

Earlier on, I said Yukika accepts her life as-is, but really, she also fully accepts her death as-is. While her heart does desire to feel "alive", and it is for that, rather than any active desire to actually die, that she longs to be at the brink of death, it is... actually a bit worrying, how little she feels like she has to live for.

Well, let's look at the part in Otsukimi when she thought she was going to die to the powerful Witch:

Yukika: (Ah… There’s blood coming from my mouth. This is called hematemesis, right?) Yukika: (I'm... definitely a goner at this point.) Yukika: (But despite that... No, maybe because of that...?) Yukika: (My head's perfectly clear, and I'm getting tons of adrenaline.) Yukika: (Way more than when I bet all of the coins I have…) Yukika: (I feel like I’m alive!) Yukika: Hehe... Yukika: (...Wow. I must be kind of crazy.) Nanny Witch: …………!! Yukika: Kwaah…!! Yukika: Hehehe... I've got plenty where that came from! Yukika: ...Is what I'd like to boast right now. Yukika: But my battery is dead. [the image of Hotori and Rion flashes before her eyes] Yukika: (I’m going to die without being able to do anything…) Yukika: (I wonder if that unknown White Feather felt the same chagrin…) [the image of Hotori and Rion flashes before her eyes] Yukika: I’m sorry… Yukika: I won’t be seeing you two at the moon viewing party. Yukika: .............

...maybe it's just me, but it strikes me as unusual and almost alarming how little she seems to feel like she has to live for, you know? Like, Rion and Hotori are a pair of girls who she literally just met this afternoon. And they (and her not being able to defeat this threat on other people's lives) are somehow her biggest regrets.

And like, Yukika isn't just like this here. Whether you say it's for thrills or for other people's sake (it's usually initially the latter with the extra bonus of the former sometimes), she never even hesitates to put her life on the line. It's kind of sad, really.

This makes sense, though; this sort of attitude tracks perfectly with the abysmally low value she attributes to herself and her existence (again, in her eyes, she is literally just the most basic NPC ever, and who cares about what happens to a random NPC? well actually several people in this fandom do care, including me, but it's not like Yukika Nanase would know that).

In fact, let's look at the legend about the moon rabbit that I mentioned earlier. A quick online search would tell you that it's a mythical figure in East Asian and indigenous American folklore, based on pareidolic interpretations that identify the dark markings on the near side of the Moon as a hare or rabbit

As a side note, this is (accidentally?) fitting in the context of her own perceived "lowliness" (+ faint presence and all) against Tsukuyo's full moon-like brilliance... but I should probably leave that for another analysis oops (assuming I ever write one)

who (in East Asian folklore) pounds the elixir of life (according to Chinese and Vietnamese interpretations), or rice cakes such as the mochi (Japanese and Korean interpretations).

But how come the Moon Rabbit arrived on the Moon?

There's a story behind it that originates from Tale 316 of the Buddhist Jataka tales, and a derived version of it appears in the Japanese anthology, Konjaku Monogatarishū.

According to the Japanese folklore:

The rabbit, as well as the hare, have long been associated with moon deities, and may signify rebirth or resurrection. According to legend, an old man who lived on the moon decided to visit Earth. A group of animals saw what they thought was an old beggar who was starving. “Poor beggar, he looks hungry and has no food. Let us give him some food”. First, the monkey plucked some fruit from the trees. He brought the fruits and laid them in front of the old beggar. Next, the otter collected some fish and brought it to the old beggar. The jackal was too lazy to find something that the beggar could eat, so he caught the first animal he could - a lizard, and placed it in front of the old beggar, along with some water. The rabbit did not know what to get for the old beggar. He was not good at catching animals or fish, nor could he scale trees and get fruit. He only knew how to gather grass, but humans didn’t eat grass. Having nothing to offer, he sat in a corner unhappy. Suddenly he remembered that humans like to eat meat. So he got up happily, prepared a fire and jumped into it, having decided to cook himself for the unknown old man. The fire did not burn the rabbit! The old man revealed himself to be Sakra, the ruler of Gods. “You have been very kind and selfless.” he said to the rabbit. Touched by the rabbit’s selflessness and virtue, he drew the likeness of the rabbit on the moon. “Henceforth, for all ages, all those who will look at the moon, will see your shape in it and remember your kindness.

(the story of Tsuki no Usagi, from here. lightly adjusted for formatting and such)

Most versions of this myth have roughly the same story, with the identities of the rabbit's companions varying. Interestingly, the legends of Moon Rabbits among some indigenous cultures of North and Central America often tell an extremely similar story as well. For example:

According to an Aztec legend, the god Quetzalcoatl, then living on Earth as a human, started on a journey and, after walking for a long time, became hungry and tired. With no food or water around, he thought he would die. Then a rabbit grazing nearby offered herself as food to save his life. Quetzalcoatl, moved by the rabbit's noble offering, elevated her to the Moon, then lowered her back to Earth and told her, "You may be just a rabbit, but everyone will remember you; there is your image in light, for all people and for all times."

(from Wikipedia)

The Jakata version of the tale relates that this event took place on Uposatha, which is the same night as Tsukimi. And while it’s hard to say for certain that this was 100% a deliberate reference, it’s definitely not farfetched to connect this legend to what Yukika does on Tsukimi in her debut event, and in general.

Deeming herself a thoroughly unnoteworthy person with nothing special to offer, she's extremely willing to throw herself into anything from minor inconveniences to life-threatening dangers, as long as it's to help someone else. Because, as noted by Tsukasa and Mifuyu in her MSS...

Tsukasa: I mean, she says she’s "dragged into it" by the effect of her wish... Tsukasa: But really, isn’t she taking on this lost child of her own volition? Mifuyu: She’s the type of girl who could never leave someone in need alone, no matter what. Mifuyu: So, from her perspective, it’s the same as being dragged into things. Tsukasa: …What a kind girl.

...So, honestly, I have no doubt that she would have no hesitation in doing the same thing as the original Moon Rabbit did in the legend, had she been in his/its situation.

Yet the thing is, as Mifuyu analyzes above and according to Yukika's own words about "fate" prior, Yukika never sees what she does as anything exceptional because, in her eyes, she's only doing what she's naturally supposed to do, and what she probably (incorrectly) assumes to be what anyone in her circumstances would also do. Thus, she never sees any merit in those actions and she refuses to take credit for them, trying to remain in the background because she firmly believes that's just where she belongs by nature. but more on her self-effacement next time.

Now, onto the secondary reason she's eager to throw herself into danger:

Her thrill-seeking instinct.

Though it's a well-known fact about Yukika that she is quite a reckless gambler, have you ever wondered...

Why is she like this in the first place?

Pt. 2. The Psychology of an Ennuyé Bunny

in which I accidentally turned the analysis post into a psych diagnosis of a mostly unspecified mental condition I swear as a distinctly not STEM person I went out of my way to do scientific research this time, please bear with it if you don't mind

Of course, there's a canon explanation for this in Yukika's MSS, where it is discussed.

Tsukasa: …medal games? Yukika: When I abandon myself in an all-or-nothing, do-or-die game, I can forget for a moment about my boring daily life. Yukika: So… going to the arcade after school to play medal games became a hobby of mine. Yukika: I even secretly bought a casino set, and now stare at it at home every night…  Mifuyu: …Your escape from reality, I see. Yukika: Exactly. Tsukasa: If that’s the worst you can do, then you really are a true lady.

(Seen in her MSS and personal memoria, this is the casino set she secretly keeps in her closet but only ever stares at, without actually doing anything with it.)

As Mifuyu puts it, Yukika finds in small acts of gambling an escape from her boring reality, and as she said in her wish, what she wanted was "the feeling of being alive".

This is, statedly, due to her boredom* more on this later from following a predetermined life path (hence her wish being an act of defiance against fate, one which she is shown to be deeply ashamed of), but also...

...you know how substance abuse, excessive gambling, and other forms of addictions often co-occur with mental health issues?

Yeah.

In many such cases, said addiction can be the consequence as well as the cause of these issues

because for people with symptoms of depression, anxiety, executive dysfunction (and any other kind of stress or motivation issues, etc.), activities like alcohol and gambling provide them with a temporary source of ease, escape, and/or brain chemicals of the likes of catecholamines* see explanation later, any of which they might lack otherwise.

Besides, executive dysfunction (which is seen in many different mental conditions) can also mean worse inhibition control in both thoughts and behavior, which makes people with executive function issues particularly susceptible to addiction to physiological-rewarding behaviors, in more ways than one.

So... while I'm not going to pin anything particularly specific on her (okay I lied I'll say here she clearly does show symptoms of general anxiety at least, even if that's solely induced by the effects of her wish and not something originally innate to her, but that's mildly beside the point here since I'm more talking about the cause of her wish instead of the consequence), I don't think it's that much of a stretch to speculate that Yukika might have a mental condition or two that contributed to her unbearable "boredom" with her routine everyday life at that time.

Many studies have shown that executive function problems (as seen in various different conditions including neurodevelopmental disorders such as ADHD and ASD, or mood disorders such as depression and bipolar) may be caused by imbalances and deficits in certain key neurotransmitters, such as:

dopamine, and

noradrenaline (a.k.a. norepinephrine)

...both of which are among the 3 catecholamine hormones & neurotransmitters, alongside adrenaline a.k.a epinephrine.

for reference, common ADHD meds like amphetamine (Adderall, etc.) and methylphenidate (Ritalin, Concerta, etc.) are often catecholamine analogs or serve the same function, that is to say, they're used to increase the amount of dopamine and noradrenaline released by the patient's adrenal glands.

You may have realized that this isn’t exactly the first mention of adrenaline in this post. Indeed, Yukika herself brought it up in the earlier excerpt from Otsukimi where she experiences a rush of adrenaline at death’s door.

Adrenaline and noradrenaline both fall under what's considered “stress hormones”. Along with dopamine, they're a big part of what activates the fight-or-flight response (or to put it in more medical terms, the "acute stress response") in a person, as the catecholamines increase heart rate, blood pressure, breathing rate, muscle strength, mental alertness and more.

Between the two, adrenaline is released by your body when you experience acute or chronic stress, in preparation to protect itself against real or perceived danger.

On the other hand, noradrenaline is continuously released into circulation at low levels, but the amount produced also increases in response to stress and fright.

(By the way, adrenaline is made from noradrenaline, and noradrenaline is made from dopamine.)

...Right, well, all this neuroscience stuff and I still haven't made my point yet. But basically, what I mean is that there's enough canon evidence for me to believe the odds are that Yukika Nanase is not precisely a neurotypical individual, no matter what her problem(s) actually is in exact.

This is evident in her...

Chronic boredom (sometimes synonymous with "ennui") prior to making her contract, indicative of a depleted reward system

Attraction toward gambling and other risky behaviors that act as stimuli and generate the release of catecholamines in her brain

Possession of a certain level of impulsivity, and engagement in reckless & risky activities

Novelty-seeking attitude and behavior

As previously discussed, those traits above are primarily observed in Yukika's wish, the circumstances and reasons behind her wish, and her thrill-chasing attitude and behavior, including her fondness for medal games.

Like, if you read what Biser Angelov says about the connection between ADHD and boredom (the article is about ADHD specifically, but you can apply this particular section's info to other conditions with cognitive dysfunction as well):

As you can see, the screenshotted paragraphs discuss similar ideas to what I've been talking about in this subsection, and I'm sure you can see from here how the situation described indeed applies to Yukika, especially with her state before her wish.

In addition, let's examine the psychology of a thrill seeker. Yukika fits the description of what we would call an "adrenaline junkie", being particularly into thrills and dangerous situations. But what exactly makes thrilling sensations so appealing to a so-called "adrenaline junkie"?

You may or may not have heard of the Sensation Seeking Scale (SSS), originally published by psychologist Marvin Zuckerman in 1964 as a measure of sensation seeking that encompasses and evaluates an individual’s personality traits of thrill and adventure seeking, disinhibition, experience seeking, and susceptibility to boredom. A study about the brains of people with high scores on the SSS shows that under chaotic/dangerous/troublesome circumstances, these people tend to excrete less cortisol and more dopamine in response to the situations, compared to those who score low.

Now, cortisol is also a stress hormone, but it generally generates more feelings of what we actually consider "stress" compared to dopamine (and other catecholamines), which is instead more associated with feelings of pleasure and attention. So, during those highly chaotic experiences, those with a thrill-seeking constitution are more likely to feel good and elated instead of feeling burdened by stress, and the experiences thus become exciting to them rather than suffocating.

Considering the factors analyzed above, this might be the case for Yukika as well. If her brain suffered from a deficiency of catecholamines on mundane days but could produce much of those energizing neurotransmitters and hormones under stress and fright, it would explain why she enjoys high-risk/near-death experiences (and gambling) and finds being in chaotic troublesome situations to elevate a good portion of her boredom.

Moreover, the need for higher stimulation in children with executive dysfunction is backed by scientific research, according to this article on the link between ADHD and high-risk behavior.

Other studies (Zentall and Zentall 1983 and Douglas 1983) indicate that children with attention problems need a higher level of stimulation. According to the research, children with ADHD are under-aroused by dull or repetitive tasks and will seek out high-interest or high-risk activities to compensate. Further, (Farley 1981, 1985) children that are under-aroused will search for more intense activities and will be more open to different experiences. They will prefer complex tasks to simple tasks; will seek new and novel experiences that include the need for high energy and high risk. In short, Farley found that children with hyperactivity seek high stimulation. His recommendations for children with hyperactivity included modifications to education to include more interactive and creative experiences to provide the extra stimulation needed.

Many other scientific studies, such as this one conducted in 2021, have also proven that ADHD, a major symptom of which is executive dysfunction, is "uniquely linked to a pervasive pattern of engagement in risky behaviors", spanning across various domains, including gambling.

Moving on, Yukika also has the tendency to:

Ramble a lot (in her head and otherwise) while jumping from one topic to the next, sometimes in ways that would be considered... whimsical?

Accidentally think aloud, or vocalize things that she has no intention of letting the other party hear about, without realizing it until she sees their reaction

Despite her own opinion, Yukika actually stands out to me as quite capable, intelligent, and resilient in various areas (especially when you consider how honestly difficult her everyday life is like).

That said, the way she thinks and talks does sometimes give off the impression of some sort of scatter-mindedness, and when we spend time in her head we see that Yukika kind of zones in and zones out of conversations sometimes because there’s always so much going on in her brain (partly thanks to her full awareness of her own trouble-attracting nature, but I kinda get the feeling she was probably kinda like that even before becoming a Magical Girl), causing her to blurt out to people things she doesn’t mean to tell them about at times.

There are several instances of this in Otsukimi, including the “dealing with trouble is my fate” comment she didn’t mean to let that random girl hear about in the earlier excerpt, and the Great and Terrible Will of the Universe remark (as seen in a previous screenshot) wasn’t meant for the Tea Ceremony Club’s leader’s ears either.

As for her erratic thought patterns in general, you can probably see the way her internal thoughts are always constantly racing throughout the entire event. In fact, one can just look at the very start of Otsukimi for an example. And in a different scene, we see Yukika suddenly wondering to herself, while very sincerely navigating the problems in an attempt to solve them:

Yukika: (This time, I’ll find the cause of the trouble!) Yukika: (I’ll definitely reveal it...) Yukika: (Just what the Great and Terrible Will of the Universe (Tentative Name) actually is!) Yukika: ………… Yukika: (I doubt it'd happen, but just imagine...) Yukika: (The moment I step into the old school building, everyone yells "Happy Birthday!",) Yukika: (and this mob of well-wishers swallows me whole.) Yukika: (If nothing else, please let me be spared the embarrassment of such a turn of events...) Yukika: (Ah, and maybe even Akatsuki-senpai is in the act.) Yukika: ...Yeah, I think not. Yukika: I mean, it's already past my birthday for starters...

...yeah. Doesn't particularly read like the thought process of a neurotypical kid to me, but hey, who knows, maybe that's just me.

Moreover, she also shows signs of:

Anxiety and restlessness (the former of which was either caused by her wish or marginally increased by it)

Low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and (debatably) inappropriate guilt

...etc, etc.

Overall, I believe that more than sufficient evidence is present in canon for one to see Yukika as having one or more mental conditions that come with executive dysfunction, and interpret her behavior and thinking through such an explanation.

Pt. 3. The Girl Who Wants to Live

On a note directly related to my conclusion in Pt. 2, I'm going to take a moment to compare and contrast Yukika to one of her better friends, Yuuna Kaharu.

Now, I personally believe that Yukika is quite a parallel to Yuuna in various ways, and Yuuna in The Flower that Blooms in a Hollow Heart definitely reads to me as having depression. I'd say the parallel is most obvious (to me) in like, Yukika's "I feel like I'm not really alive because all I'm doing is living the boring luxurious life to the future that my parents planned for me" (Yukika MSS, paraphrased) vs Yuuna's "I'm an empty shell blessed by the lucky life handed by me by my parents on a golden plate, only living because I'm not dead yet" (Hollow Heart, also paraphrased).

Yukika and Yuuna are also character foils, however, in that Yuuna has an arc centered on growth and she is able to advance forward because she finds herself a clear and defined goal in Mami, whom she sees as a role model that she aims to become like one day. On the other hand, Yukika establishes right at the very start of Otsukimi that she had never any desire to advance upward, whether in WoM or in school, because it was supposedly people like Tsukuyo who were suited for such better roles, and to Yukika, that's simply how it is.

There is another striking difference between them, and that is that Yuuna is unabashed in taking credit for when she's done something good, whereas Yukika times and times again brushes off any help she's offered with an "oh it's nothing special / it's already over with so let's not talk about it" kind of attitude, because that's really just how she sees it.

As examined earlier, this is largely due to her low self-worth and her perception of everything as her own natural responsibility. The unfortunate thing is that this self-effacing attitude, on top of her already faint presence and all, makes her even more unnoticed and her deeds completely unacknowledged.

And then, by further preventing most people from recognizing Yukika and her efforts, it reinforces her mindset about her lowly faint presence and further contributes to her lack of self-worth, which in turn makes her value her life even less, altogether creating a vicious feedback loop.

Yukika speaks of having friends in class, but with the way she talks about it, they don't seem all that close to her and they're definitely not people she could fully open her heart to.

see the fact that she's very concerned that her classmates and school friends mustn't hear about her visits to the arcades; she is never really seen thinking much about them on-screen, going to them for help, or worrying about any particularly important school friend when the whole school is in trouble, etc.

In canon, there are like only three named characters who consistently notice Yukika and actively try to pay attention to and care about her (Rion & Hotori, later Yuuna), and none of them even go to the same school as her.

And because Yukika has this somewhat fatalistic mindset, no defined aims or goals in life, and effectively actively discourages people from noticing her, she is likely to just... stay this way, unlike Yuuna.

Like, Yukika is just a weirdly really static character in her default state. As someone who's tried to work with her as a major character in a story, it's honestly kind of crazy how I always absolutely have to throw her into some odd situation where another character actively tells Yukika that she (and she specifically) should try to change or grow, as long as I want to make her undergo any dynamic character development. Otherwise, her usual mentality typically completely blocks any possible self-development of the introspective kind from happening.

To me, there's something rather... subtly tragic(?) about this, but...

Yeah, so, I for one do believe that Yukika still has the quality for future growth. Not sure if it could happen in the game or not, but like, I do think that can still happen to her as a person. And more than that...

In spite of everything I've been saying up till this point, Yukika's core desire is "to live".

It's in the wish she made. It's why she chases excitement the way she does. Indeed, Yukika is relatively easily self-sacrificial as a result of the "low self-worth + too kind" combo and she seeks to experience the brink of death for a wholly different reason, but truly, her overall main subconscious drive is to feel alive.

And the most paradoxical thing here is the fact that her longing to experience a brush with death stems from her desire to live, rather than a desire to die; not only thanks to the catecholamines rush, but also because it is through the fact that the chance of death exists for one that their life is so meaningful. (or so goes my personal opinion, in any case)

After all...

Yukika: Wow... Student Council President: What do you think about it? Yukika: Yes... Yukika: I'm so glad to have been born on a planet with a moon! Student Council President: You… you're that moved by it? Yukika: Yes. Yukika: I thought that I wouldn't live to see it again. Student Council President: Okay…?? [...] Yukika: The same old face of the moon as always. The same boring world as always... Yukika: Tonight, they both shine brilliantly to me.

...

Even though her everyday life is tedious, her self-esteem dreadful, her mindset somewhat fatalistic, and something's up with her brain chemicals too...

Deep down in her heart, the thing Yukika Nanase truly wants is to be alive.

And I don't know about you but... man. I find that very moving, you know?

And...

That's all, folks!

This concludes my essay. Basically, my big main point is that Yukika is certainly one of the most characters of all time and should be cherished at all costs.

Thanks for reading this (very long) propaganda analysis post to the end, and I’ll see you next time o7

[justaprismolover]

WARNING! This rant is a very subjective and hot take about Prismo [Adventure Time] & how the modern fandom treats him. This is a personal and emotionally driven rant. if that doesn’t sound good to you, please do not read this rant.

⚠️Please read the full post before you say anything. Context is very important in this post! ⚠️

hello to anyone reading this! you probably don’t know me or you don’t know much about me, but i’m justaprismolover. i’ve been obsessed with prismo for a very long time, about three years or so. he was this major interest of mine that i would constantly think about 24/7.

he was this huuuge obsession of mine that i consistently was enamored by. the phase seemed to never wear off. i drew him, animated him, wrote fanfictions about him, i had elaborate daydreams about him, i started making an album about him (which i only discontinued because all of the songs suck lol), i posted about him and ranted and raved to my friends, said his name many times every day, made AUs for him, and i even started archiving every drawing i saw of him. you see, prismo drawings back in the day were very rare, so i was constantly starving for tha goods (fanart). i would always look him up on deviantart and google to see if anyone posted art of him. i followed and subbed to anyone who showed interest in him. i had looked him up on youtube and deviantart and pinterest countless times. i started seeing the same prismo content over and over again, which is reasonable, but i, who at the time started to archive every piece of work of prismo i could find, had this crazy goal of archiving every work i could find of prismo. so i started making social media accounts for the sole purpose of archiving content containing him and dipping.

i made a tiktok account (which was banned after one day for some reason?? i didnt comment or have a trashy username or anything idk) i made a twitter account (total waste of time i couldnt find any prismo stuff) and i made a tumblr account, the only account i kept. i originally wasn’t going to at first but tumblr sorta stuck with me. there were a wee amount of prismo fans who loved him just like me! so i stuck around and started posting art just for fun.

then something interesting happened. a new fiona and cake show was coming out, and a depressed looking prismo was right there in it! i was excited to see more prismo, but i was also kind of worried. i was scared the prismo ‘fandom’ (it was literally like 5 people at the time) wouldn’t be the same after fiona and cake came out. what if prismo became a tumblr sexyman and they started humanizing him and making him act super out of character? what if he was downplayed as a “silly blorbo”? what will happen to my archive? will there be too much art to archive?

i know that it might sound selfish to be saying stuff like this, but i’m sure everyone has felt it before. that feeling when something tiny you like became popular and you just sat there thinking “i was here first!” its petty but its valid as long as you aren’t putting anyone down for getting there later than you.

so i comforted myself by telling myself that it won’t be that big of a deal and prismo probably wouldn’t play a big part. its not like there was a huge prismo craze in 2012 when he first was introduced or anything like that. there’s going to be so much new cool artwork of prismo made by so many cool people that will all put their own lil twists on him, and in a month most of the prismo likers will move on which means it’ll be me and a bunch of dedicated prismo enjoyers, but not too many, and it’ll be like one of those teeny cool fandoms. yep, that’s what i told myself. it’s not like i was fully convinced by this or anything but it kept me afloat. i just kept on doing what i usually did until the show came out, and…

boy, was i wrong.

prismo played a huge role! he CREATED fiona and cake! he had new characters to interact with! there was new art! new fanfiction! a huge brand-spanking new prismo fandom flooded into tumblr. prismo playlists! prismo cosplays! prismo crafts! i was flabbergasted. totally enamored by this wave of content. do you know how insane it feels when this character that was forgotten by everyone but you and some others suddenly gets extremely popular?! it’s like you’re dying in the sahara desert of dehydration when suddenly you trip into lake baikal. it was insane. and, it wasn’t THAT bad! yeah, there was some headcanon stuff and “sillyposting” that i didn’t like, but hey, most of the prismo stuff kept him looking the same and drew really neat looking art of him! i was ready to embrace this new prismo epidemic with open arms if it wasn’t for one teensy weensy itty bitty minor problem…

Scarab.

ya see, scarab and prismo to this new era of prismo lovers are absolutely inseparable. you cant have one without the other. they’re treated akin to simon and betty, where if you draw one, you must draw the other. pink, yellow and blue is no longer prismo including his lil blue pupil, but now its prismo, the wall of the time room and scarab! pretty much what i’m saying is the new prismo fandom was almost ALL prismo x scarab shippers. hell, most of them joined BECAUSE they liked the pairing itself. the prismo fandom pretty much became the prohibited wish fandom, which to someone like me who doesn’t ship it… was… something. yeeep. it was totally something alright.

i know its easy to make fun of me for being sad about a ship that everyone else in the fandom ships, which i mean, fair enough, it’s pretty funny, but i hope you get my point of view as someone who doesn’t ship the ship and doesn’t really care for scarab. i’ve been so dedicated to doing my weird little prismo stuff for so long, just me and sometimes me and a few others, and suddenly, this humongous wave of people come who start drawing all sorts of ship art with this… bug dude thingy that i didn’t even care for. and its only. ship art. which made me feel so left out of all the fun. i can’t force myself to like the ship, because, well, not only is that near impossible for me but i don’t like the tropes and its a ship that’s pretty lustful and often puts the characters in sexual scenarios with one another.

you see, the ship alone isn’t the whole issue. it’s the way the ship is portrayed, and especially the way prismo is portrayed.

back in the day, prismo was characterized by most people (including me) to be this super chill yet awkward guy who was funny and cool yet lonely and kinda clingy (which was proved to be CANON cuz hes obsessed with jake in Fiona and Cake HEHEHEHH). he was a side character who was kinda mysterious which left him up in speculation. everyone had their own little prismo theories. the best part about prismo was that nobody really forced him to have a one dimensional trope (ironic).

like, there weren’t any moments in canon that made everyone think he was obsessed with something like, pickles or destroying universes or whatever. you know how so many fanon side characters are often attributed to one singular thing they like or do, and so everyone makes it as if they’re obsessed with doing it to the point where it’s more of a lifestyle than a hobby to that character? prismo didn’t get that treatment! many people who liked him UNDERSTOOD that he wasn’t some guy who sat around in his hot tub all day manically making pickles or messing around with the lich. (true ogs remember prismo x lich. RIP that ship you sucked but the art was delicious)

so many people understood that below the surface he was lonely and just needed somebody to talk to, how he could never leave the time room. we based our drawings more on the character himself, his internal struggles and external battles. and yeah, most prismo fanart… WAS JUST PRISMO! and the prisjake art was (and still is) almost ALL wholesome and cute, because, well, prismo never came off to anyone as a sexual person!

and the just prismo drawings were unique too! so many of them explored different concepts and ideas, which is something i rarely see nowadays, cuz most of the art is just him calling scarab petnames and writing fanfics.

warning: the following paragraph contains mentions of art of sexual harassment. please skip this paragraph if you are uncomfortable with this topic. please note that this is my main reason as to why i do not like the modern prismo fandom.

the biggest issue i have with the modern prismo fandom is that they portray him as a very lustful person, someone who openly talks about doin’ the deed towards scarab as soon as he sees him. so many depictions of this pairing will show prismo telling scarab he’s hot whilst scarab is trying to kill him, or saying things like, “please do” when scarab makes genuine threats to end his life, which in turn makes scarab angry and uncomfortable. other depictions include prismo GRABBING SCARAB WITHOUT HIS CONSENT! and i hate to break it to some, but that is harassment! what surprises me is how common works like these are. i constantly see them on my dashboard. people just seem to love the idea of prismo going, “now that we’re in the same dimension, i can do whatever i want to you.” i would show examples so yall can see what i mean, but that’d be really stupid of me to go showing around peoples art and giving specific examples. so, just look out for it, and you might start seeing it more. (these types of drawings have died down as the time goes on but they used to be a lot more common in the early f&c days). all i’ll say is, prismo grabbing or saying sexual stuff to scarab is not cute if scarab looks uncomfortable or is telling him to cut it out or leave him alone. this is harassment. i thought modern fandom was supposed to be more progressive than this. c’on, guys. (alsooo, prismo just. isn’t a sexual guy. like at all. when prismo and scarab meet he just seems like hes freaking the hell out the whole time and never stops to check scarab out at all. people are being gaslight by fanart or something lol okay sorry i know people can have headcanons)

if you skipped the last paragraph, you can continue here!

another lil thing grudge i have is the whole fanfiction thing. y’all, he made an action based genderbent world. he’s not writing omegaverse smut fanfiction. okay, i get if you wanna headcanon him with that, i think its funny, but like, don’t make him writing fanfiction his whole personality!!!

so yeah, all of the prohibited wish and new characterization of prismo i don’t agree with has made me feel so left out of something that i’ve partaken in for so long. all of this over time has lead me to not be able to enjoy prismo as much. yes, i still love him, and drawing him still brings me immense joy, but it just isn’t the same. i just feel so left out and it really hurts. even if it is laughable, i hope anyone reading this, if anyone at all, could at least understand that bit.

so, TL;DR:

the old prismo fandom was full of different headcanons and theories, different ships, rarepairs even, and all sorts of unique and awesome ideas and art.

the modern one is (mostly) either two things: scarab x prismo or prismo writing smut fanfiction with some other character (but its usually scarab).

and guys. please, please, please. THIS IS MY SUBJECTIVE OPINION! people can headcanon whatever they want and draw whatever they want! i have never, ever harassed anyone who drew something i don’t like. this is honestly my first time opening up about my extremely hot take. it’s not like i’m an ultra petty bully who hates every piece of prohibited wish (my likes are public and you can see that i actually have liked prohibited wish stuff, you can see i have a preference for wholesome tho) please continue to ship what you ship and do whatever you want to prismo and whatever other characters. i’m honestly so scared of getting hate and getting attacked by people. if you read all of this, first of all, thank you SO much, i’m so happy someone actually took the time to hear me out!, and second, you are likely not the problem, and i’m sure i’d love your art of prismo, even if it’s prisxscrabby. just. please, don’t attack me. (i’m aware this post probably has 2 notes or less this is just in case)

quick Q&A:

Q: are you asexual?

A: i don’t really know? im probably demisexual. i know that i’m pansexual. but i do ship characters that partake in sexual acts or are lustful towards each other. i personally don’t think that Prismo is a sexual person. i don’t think of him as ace either, i just don’t think of him as someone who often has lustful thoughts.

Q: are you neurodivergent?

A: i think i might be. i have a therapist and we’re working on getting me a diagnoses. she’s very positive that i have autism. we can’t say for sure if i do until i get my diagnoses, though. please keep in mind that my extreme obsession with prismo and my unwelcomeness for change may be the result of my potential autism. but like i said, i haven’t been officially diagnosed and i do not like the idea of self-diagnosing.

Q: will you keep posting prismo stuff?

A: hopefully. i’m a busy genderfluid, y’know? i have so much social medias to keep track of. this is just a place to dump ma prismo’s, but it gets less and less fun everyday, ya know?

if you’re reading this i love you so so much you’re literally awesome and i can’t thank you enough for it. justaprismolover is outta here bye byeee B)

[aita-blorbos]

(This post is the other side of https://www.tumblr.com/aita-blorbos/742196515586670592/hi-okay-so-my-name-is-i-wrote-my-name-but-someone?source=share )

Am I in the wrong for wishing to protect the child I was created to protect?

I have no true age, gender or name.

Roughly seven and a half years ago, I came into being. It was a dark night, I was inside of a house and all I could hear was screaming. A lady was holding a baby under water in a sink, while a man watched. Instinctively, I knew why I had been created. I needed to save this child's life. I quickly grabbed a nearby chair and killed the woman, before disposing of the man in a similar fashion.

I rescued the baby from the sink, as limp and near-lifeless as she was and I knew it was my sole purpose in life to defend this child.

I later learned that those adults were her parents, who had grown sick of having a child and weren't bothered to give her up for adoption. This was how I truly grasped how cruel this world was- so I stuck closely to the side of the child. I had learned that I was invisible to the world, no one could see or hear me, so I was free to do as I wished.

She was soon adopted and luckily suffered no lasting effects from the near death, settling in fine. However, I was constantly aware of the cruelty of everyone around her. Children would steal her things, make fun of her, exclude her from things. This was harmful to her, so I decided to do something about it.

Anytime a child attempted to do something harmful, I would shove them backwards, or perhaps trip them. One persistent bastard kept coming back, so I began beating him until he had learned his lesson. Unfortunately, this was in front of my child, who I then discovered could actually see me.

After a while, children both friendly and not stopped speaking to her, for reasons unknown to myself. I had heard people call her a "dangerous freak" behind her back, or whisper about how she injured all those around her, rumors I could not stand.

So, I told her she just try to no longer make new friends, as they always seemed to hurt her. I also suggested this as I had heard about teenagers going rogue with their friends, which could lead to her getting hurt. I want to minimise other influences on her life, so I can ensure her safety.

I will often go out for a walk during the evening, under the conditions that she cannot leave her room until I return. On one such occasion, I returned and found her missing. I had panicked, before growing angry with her, knowing she had disobeyed me.

She returned around ten minutes later and sheepishly explained that she had wanted to make friends with a girl from school, so she had snuck out to her house to play.

I was furious and worried, seeing how an outside influence was already getting her to act in dangerous ways. If this girl had gotten her to sneak out once, who's say she wouldn't get her to do it again? It was simply too dangerous, so I demanded to know where this child lived (only a few doors down, fortunately).

I then arrived at that house with my child left at home and found the girl, before beating her to death. I am slightly ashamed to admit that I returned home still covered in the girls blood, scaring my poor child.

She began panicking and hyperventilating while I attempted to soothe her. She called me a monster, before I reminded her that I just wish to protect her, and that it was for her own good. I only exist to protect her, after all.

However, I feel slightly guilty for her panic and fear, so I thought I should extend a hand to your people and see what you think. Was I unreasonable for this? Am I at fault? Would I he considered the quote unquote, asshole?

[edwinspaynes]

tell us more about cordelia! something you love, something you wish we knew more about, something you relate to, something you've discerned that we might not have seen yet, why she doesn't seem to know any neurotypicals yet might be neurotypical herself, etc. just cordelia. i think we should talk about her more

Cordelia, Cordelia, Cordelia!

She is my daughter. She delights me. She confounds me.

Despite being one of my favourite characters in TSC, I find everything she does baffling. Every time she is faced with a choice, any choice at all, she does the exact opposite thing than I would have done. For her, she makes the right choices. If I made her choices, though, I'd rip my own hair out. We are SUCH different people.

I actually really like this. A lot of my favourite characters are important to me because of the ways that I find myself mirrored in them. Matthew, Alastair, and Thomas are all great examples. Cordelia serves a different function to me as a window character. Watching her is like a huge character study in someone Very Unlike Me who's extremely complex, likeable, and ultimately lovely.

Matthew and Cordelia

The sole exception to this "Cordelia-and-I-make-different-choices" rule is when she runs off to Paris with Matthew, which I would have done. It would have been a good decision for me but was actually an awful one for her.

I'm going to be a little rambley here, but I want to talk a little bit about her relationship with my Best Blorbo Matthew. I think that she fundamentally misunderstands him, which is interesting for me to watch as someone who's so similar to Matthew. I might dissect the whole scene one day when I have time, but there's this bit where she's rejecting him where he's going on and on about all the places they can travel to. She says, "we can't always be running away." This was so interesting to me!!! Because it was so obvious to me that Matthew wasn't running away. He's planning his dream future full of unknown adventures, and he's trying to fit her in. She's too settled, she wants to be settled, and that's okay! They're just not compatible. But she so greatly misunderstands what he's trying to do, and I kind of turn my head to that scene to go "huh. That's why I don't understand her."

Daisy, My Daughter

There are so many things I love about Cordelia. I absolutely adore her bravery and her compassion, and I think she feels a lot. I think she's strong and independent.

I think that she's capable of being crafty and sneaky when she wants to be (see: the wording of the oath she has Lilith repeat to her in ChoT.) She's my daughter, my ridiculously frustrating daughter, who I know has a brain somewhere in there that she never uses.

I also will say that I really like the drive that she has to be a hero. It's refreshing to see a girl character who actively attempts to realize a goal like that rather than someone who's thrust into a world Chosen-One-Style. Both Clary and Tessa were "Chosen One" type characters, which served their genre well for the time. Cordelia, like Emma, was just an ambitious Shadowhunter, and I find her story very interesting as a result. And I like how Cordelia is in part driven by a desire for merciful, compassionate heroism (unlike Emma, who was driven by a desire for revenge). It sets her apart from all the other Emma-type Badass Warrior Girls who want to go out and kick as much ass as possible.

She's such a delightful person and one I would be proud to call a friend IRL. And she's a great character in a lot of ways, though I think there are some narrative issues holding her back.

Cordelia and Cassandra Clare's Narrative

I feel like Cordelia is the one character that I wish I could steal from Cassie and repurpose. I generally really like what Cassie does with most of her characters, and I like a lot of the things she did with Cordelia. If I didn't, I wouldn't love her so much. But I think that with some VERY MINOR tweaking, Cordelia could have been even better.

The issue with Cordelia is that the author gives her very little agency. The narrative serves to protect her and James as the Herongraystairs kids, and I get that, but it feels like Cordelia is often just dragged along for the ride. Like, she is the main character! Why is she given almost no agency or real choices? Why is she just swept along with the narrative as a pawn in this large chess game that is TLH? I was talking with a close mutual @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer a while back who said it would have been great if Cordelia became Lilith's paladin willingly to try to take power from all the awful men who abuse it. I would have loved this! If Cordelia had been allowed to get just a little bit messy, bend the rules of morality, and make some mistakes, she would have been even more incredible than she is.

The Impact of Lacking Agency

This narrative issue manifests as my least favorite Cordelia character trait: her hyper-naivete. She is so naïve in a way that is almost unbelievable to me as a reader. Like, her response to "dad's an alcoholic who's been abusing me since I was 10" is "huh!!!! That's why I found gin bottles everywhere and he was super clunky and they stopped serving wine! Who'd have guessed?" And, she literally swore fealty to this dude who said he was Wayland the Smith because... he said so? Like ??? Girl!!! Other people, especially your brother, have paid a great price for that naïveté. That bothers me.

The thing that's annoying about this is that I've come to the conclusion that Cassie didn't intend for Cordelia to be so naïve. It was a side effect of giving her no agency. If someone is an adult, that means they necessarily have agency; if someone has agency, they lose moral purity. Ergo, Cordelia was necessarily naïve.

Alastair and Cordelia

I also feel like re: the writing, I find Alastair and Cordelia's dynamic to be simultaneously excellent and irritating. Because he sacrificed his whole life for her! It should not have taken her several months and a murder accusation to marginally stand up for him! I'm sorry!

But I also really love their relationship, especially in ChoT. It makes me so happy to see them joking around together like normal siblings, and I feel like Alastair by Beloved Blorbo gets to kind of... be a normal guy with his little sister, if only a little bit. He doesn't need to act in loco parentis anymore, and they're immediately messing around. I love it.

Again, I wish the relationship were written in a more cohesive way. Maybe it's because I don't have a sibling. But it feels like Cordelia DOES acknowledge that Alastair is the constant lifelong protector that she wants to call out to when she's scared. But she also simultaneously says that he's like quicksand unprompted and tells Matthew that he must think she's terrible to love him.

Cassie, why!?

Cordelia and her Neurodivergent BFFs

This is a funny observation you make, that she "doesn't seem to know any neurotypicals yet might be neurotypical herself." And I agree, actually! I don't really have a lot of thoughts on this besides "that's just who she naturally wound up around because of her familial and life circumstances." What do you think of it? I'm curious to know. <3

[high-dragon-bait]

The Extremely Petty Reason I Hate Sebastian

Please do not take this seriously. I'm not main-tagging this because I do not wanna die, and may delete this if people go insane, but I've been wanting to make a post about it for awhile and this blog is for talking about by feelings on my favorite game so here goes

It is SOLELY because of how he talks to Fenris

Nearly all of his dialogues with Fenris are like this

Do you see it?

Do you see it?

This is the one that really did it for me, mostly because I misinterpreted it as being directed towards the sexual abuse Fenris faced at the hands of Danarius and it disgusted me so much I had to close the game

I understand now that's probably not what Sebastian was talking about but it was too late. Even knowing he isn't referring to that this is such an over the line thing to say that I can't forgive it

Every interaction with Fenris that he has reads like a Evangelical missionary trying to convert someone in a vulnerable state to their cult faith and it's fucking gross. It's actually nauseating

Now, I actually think Fenris having faith is interesting. I was raised atheist myself, I can't understand faith like someone who was raised religious does. But I do understand having a complex relationship with the concept of faith, especially the idea of faith feeling appealing, but finding the people and ideas behind faith hostile to who you are. That's the kind of relationship with faith I like to imagine Fenris has

But god I cannot stand the way Sebastian talks to him. I can't not find it predatory, and it makes Sebastian come off as so insidious that he is the only Dragon Age character I actively hate. Usually with characters I don't like I just ignore them, but Sebastian I hate. Sebastian makes me physically angry

I say it's petty because it really is JUST this. Just how he talks to Fenris, and since Fenris is my Prime Blorbo I'm soooooooo biased it's ridiculous. Also because Anders is terrible to Fenris but I can forgive that, probably because Fenris is equally as terrible back.

Sebastian acts creepy towards my fav and the game never seems to acknowledge how creepy he's being and for that I cannot stand the sight of Sebastian. I am so sorry. I know plenty of people like Sebastian and you have my utmost respect but to me the man's vibes are so rancid I may start gagging

[trashcritter]

Writer Interview Tag!

Ngl kind of chuckled to myself when @lolliputian tagged me in this, because I hardly consider myself a writer. I’ve written two full stories, only published one of them on ao3, that doesn’t feel like it counts. BUT. The questions were intriguing and I liked filling them out and thinking about this stuff. I’m tagging @boobcratchit and @el-inle and @poetryvampire and also anyone else who wants to steal this.

When did you start writing?

I mean as a kid I thought of myself as something of a creative writer through middle school, but something changed in high school where I suddenly decided I couldn’t do it anymore (probably just being an anxious perfectionistic teenager, honestly), and I transitioned to solely academic writing. I went to law school and became strictly a legal writer—and a damn good one. But I left my last writing-heavy job in 2020 and basically didn’t write anything until a couple of months ago, where for some reason I finally was able to rip the bandaid off.

Are there any specific themes or genres that you enjoy reading other than what you write?

Sci fi, horror, and I’m also a sucker for brain candy romance novels.

Is there a writer that you want to emulate or get compared to often?

Lol almost nobody is reading anything I’m writing yet, so no one is making any comparisons. I’m really just in a fact finding and developing phase of my writing as a creative pursuit—everything I’m reading I’m trying to think of what I like about it and how those things are being accomplished. So I guess I’m trying to emulate everyone right now as I work to find my own preferences.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I’ve been doing a lot of writing on my phone of all places. For whatever reason, it’s the cheat code to bypass the “writing = SERIOUS BUSINESS” panic moment in my brain that has kept me from transitioning from legal writing to writing as a creative pursuit. Occasionally I’ll hop on my desktop computer, and that is where I do most editing.

What is your most effective way to muster up a muse?

I don’t know yet! I’m mostly a visual artist, and I know that in that realm the best thing I can do for an idea is get it down on paper or in clay ASAP. I’ve been doing the same thing with my writing. Have an idea? A few lines? Throw it down in a new note. I find the ones I keep coming back to, whether it’s a project or a story, are the ones that are ready to have something made of them.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

I’ve been really interested in grief and loss as of late. My first piece that I shared with the world earlier this summer is on its surface a really sweet happy little story, but it’s driving point for me was one of grief, and I’m not sure it reads as super bittersweet (it wasn’t intended to), but I know that it’s a very bittersweet story at least for me personally. I keep coming back to a piece lately that is more obviously about immediate loss as well as the consequences of old loss that has gone ungrieved.

Something that is less of a theme and more stylistic is I’m very interested in the flow and musicality of my words. All of my best physical art has a certain movement and musicality to it, and I feel like I’m constantly trying to bring that into my writing as well.

What is your reason for writing?

When I wrote as a large part of my career, I loved the power behind my words. I am a really good legal writer. I’m persuasive as fuck and I am excellent at evoking the emotion and the viewpoint I want my reader to have. I loved that feeling and found that I missed it once I stopped. So I write to recapture the feeling of command and control over language, for one. But also I write because it gives a voice to the words that I would say naturally if I could, but don’t really seem like they belong in every day speech. And I’m finding that I enjoy putting my blorbos in situations and seeing what they do. It’s imaginative in a way that is very different from visual art. Finally, it’s giving me a place to process things in a new way. And I really love being able to share those thoughts and feelings with others; we both discover we aren’t so alone when we connect over writing.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment that you find particularly motivating?

When people call out individual snippets of writing that they particularly thought were beautiful, that brings me such joy. But otherwise just getting encouraging notes has been great. I’m so new to this art form, I know I’m still very much a developing writer, and that things are rough around the edges. But being able to be welcomed by others and have fun with them is really wonderful.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I have no idea. Somebody called my writing very introspective, and I really felt proud of that comment. I think it *is* quite introspective, and I like that. I like taking the inner world and giving it voice.

What do you think is your greatest strength as a writer?

I have no idea what I’m doing. No really—there’s a freedom to being a beginner that you can’t get back. I don’t think my writing is always very effective yet, but I do think it’s honest and unconstrained. In time I’ll learn to build guardrails and give it more shape, but the key I think is maintaining that honesty. And that’s hard to do once you know what you’ve been doing “wrong” the whole time. I’m in no hurry to learn lol.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

Oh this is all purely self indulgent bullshit.

How do you feel about your own writing?

I’m pretty self conscious of it right now because I can tell it’s not where I want it to be. And of course it isn’t—I’ve been practicing this skill for a few months, tops? I think it’s better than average for that timeline, but it’s by no means great. I’m trying to be okay with not being great though—it’s good practice for me (or so my therapist says ;) ). I think I’ve got some good ideas, and occasionally lightning strikes and I can create a really solid few sentences. But I can’t yet do it consistently. I just don’t know enough yet. But I’m having *fun* and nobody is paying me for it, and it’s nice to just be able to let something be.

[witty--fool]

My Fallout 4 Blorbo

Art by @buttbitchsblog

She consumes my every waking thought, so here's a post about here. My blorbo, or rather, my sole survivor.

Also mentions of sexual topics so 18+

General of the Minutemen, Codename Charmer for the railroad

Short black hair with a curl on her left side that she can't ever seem to get down. Dark green eyes and freckles litter her face and body, particularly her cheeks, chin, forehead, back, and thighs.

Usually in her vault suit with armor layered over it. But with also wears her Generals uniform, especially when out on Minutemen missions, or when she knows she returning to Goodneighbor

A pentup paralegal in the pre-war world, the wasteland has opened up the more adventuerous and open minded aspects of her personality--especially sexually.

She married Nate at 19 fresh out of high school before he'd gone off to war, she crawled out of the vault at (2)29. Shaun is her biological child, so she she wasn't a virgin when she first met Hancock, but she'd never experienced an orgasm, or many, and many other sexual aspects and experiences.

Destroyed the Institute, but kept the Brotherhood and the Railroad around, she did not bring synth Shaun back with her, a decision she regrets every day. But in the moment, she was in shock and didn't know how to react, instead, she just ran right past him.

Dosen't agree with the Brotherood, but ops not to destroy them because of the potential for huge loss of life. Especially the children on board the Prydwen. She tries to foster ok relations with the BoS, as long as they don't step on Minutemen toes, than the Minutemen won't step in BoS toes.

Given her intimate relationship with Hancock, a ghoul, she not only tolerates but embraces ghouls as equals. Her personal connection with Hancock has deepened her empathy and advocacy for ghouls, leading her to oppose any discrimination they face within the Commonwealth, thus, she is fiercely protective of all ghouls that inhabit Minutemen-supported settlements.

Her approach to synths is characterized by understanding and acceptance. Mary-Anne recognizes synths as sentient beings deserving of autonomy and respect. Like her view on ghouls, her relationship with synths is heavily characterized by her strong bond with Nick Valentine.

She refuses to support any settelment that turns away ghouls or synths.

Main Character traits:

Leadership and Determination

- strong leadership qualities. She is decisive and action-oriented, consistently demonstrating her ability to lead her troops and make tough decisions in high-pressure situations.

- in addition to this, she is also extremely politically savy

Compassionate and Caring

-possesses a deep sense of compassion and empathy. She genuinely cares about the well-being of her people and is often seen working tirelessly to ensure the safety and prosperity of her community.

Strategic Thinker

- excels in planning and executing complex strategies to protect her community and outmaneuver enemies.

Adventurous and Open-Minded

-Eagerness to explore new sexual fantasies with Hancock

-Acceptance of synths and ghouls (after a brief period of like a week after she crawled out of the vault when they freaked her out)

Resilient

- remains unbroken and resilient despite all that has happened to her, although she views herself as a deeply damaged and broken woman

- She has an ability to bounce back from most situatuions

Loyal

-fiercely loyal to her friends, allies, and loved ones. Drives her to make sacrifices and go to great lengths to support those she cares about.

Principled

-hold herself and others to high ethical standards

-values honesty and integrity, both in her leadership role and personal life.

Misc. Facts/traits

-soft spot for children

-soft spot for the downtrodden (similar to Hancock)

-Has developed a 'thing' for ghouls, although she doesn't have eyes for anyone but Hancock

Here is her Spotify playlist

[immortalarizona]

hi! i’m curious about how you’re characterizing buppido in your OotA game—in my experience playing and planning to DM, i’ve had trouble connecting with him and figuring out how to make his twist surprising and impactful.

also if you have any similar thoughts for shuushar, that’s another blorbo i don’t know how to make compelling lol

I'm soooooo flattered to have gotten this ask from you!!!! first off, I would like to apologize if this is largely incoherent; I have spent a solid seven (7) of the past 24 hours playing two different D&D sessions, both of them pretty brutal combats. this is gonna be a loooooong post, so my answer is under the cut :]

also, if anyone reading this post happens to be one of my players going snooping for my blog, STOP READING NOW.

okay cool

I'll start each character section with a quick description I wrote for myself on each of their personalities (or my interpretations of them, at least).

Buppido

Buppido Diirdeklin is surprisingly talkative and friendly given the situation everyone is in. In fact, he doesn’t seem to be afraid of anything, diving into even the thick of battle with his perpetual, almost uncanny cheer. He seems to be very devoted to some deity unknown to non-derro, as after every battle, he kneels over the bodies of any enemy he has slain and appears to pray in silence for a few seconds. Buppido’s faith is the only subject which he remains reticent about, but he will happily engage in discussions of almost anything else with anyone else. He claims a desire to return to his people in Gracklstugh in order to help liberate them from their lives as second-class citizens under the duergar.

basically, how I saved Buppido thus far was through a lot of guilt-tripping the player characters and using what I knew of them (only what I reasonably figured he would know at this point; he's not secretly omniscient like Jimjar so there's only so much meta knowledge I can apply) to manipulate them. the angle I'm taking is that he wants something objectively good (for the derro to not be treated like dogshit) but is going about it in The most fucked up way possible (ritual murder because he think it'll give him back his divine power, which he can then use to fucking obliterate the duergar and free his people). he is very polite and has this veneer of kindness with which he treats the people he's manipulating. he will say whatever it takes to get the person he's talking to on his side, regardless of whether he actually believes it (but I do think it's more interesting if he genuinely believes he's doing the right thing). as an example of this in action, here's a copy of the monologue he gave the rogue when she was like "hey dude, I'm getting Real Bad Vibes from you, what's up." keep in mind that she is a tiefling.

"I heard what Kzekarit said to you a few nights back--so I trust that you will understand what it means to be judged solely on the basis of your blood. The duergar"--he almost spits the name--"have given us many names, none of them fit for polite company. Even our name in Undercommon comes from their word for 'derelict.' The audacity, when it is them that have forced us to live in the streets--if they allow us to live at all!" Buppido's voice has steadily been raising in volume this entire time, and he has to take a moment to catch his breath after that. When he continues, his voice is quieter, but no less passionate. "I have lived a long time. But I am blessed beyond measure. I am the exception. I am what is known among my people as a savant--one who has manifested magical powers. We are respected, yes, but. . . magic changes you. I have seen. . . things. . . in the shadows that I can never unsee. Things much worse than intellect devourers." His grip on his staff, which he is currently using as a walking stick, trembles, and he closes his eyes. "I have to believe that it was worth it. If I don't deliver us. . . no one will." He looks up at Promise again. "Do you understand now, little thief?" he asks, but it's not a question. It's a plea.

(for context, Sarith called the rogue "demonspawn" before promising that he would not hesitate to stab her if he saw a reason to do so when she asked where his loyalties lay.)

similarly, Buppido appealed to the ranger's sense of sympathy/pity with an excuse about nightmares and not entirely being himself when he woke up from one, which is why he tried to stab the twins. this was a bit of metagaming on my part, but the ranger is haunted by nightmares despite not sleeping (drow moment). it worked, and when the ranger had a mini emotional breakdown, Buppido then appealed to his sympathies further by patting the ranger's hand and saying that he would hug him, but he is not very tall, and his poor back can only take so much strain. the ranger then kneeled down, cast cure wounds to help Buppido's back pain, and gave him a hug. Buppido thanked the ranger for giving him another chance (as he had similarly given Sarith another chance) and told the ranger that he has a "good heart" and to "never change." (what he really meant was "you're so fucking easy to manipulate and I would prefer for that to not change.")

so, y'know. a lot of Manipulate Mansplain Manslaughter, with a side of Moral Complexity. like, man's a fucking serial killer, but he also has an ultimate goal which my party at least seems to empathize with. as for the emotional impact, you really only get as much out of the reveal as your players put into the character during the lead-up. my party has a Massive found family dynamic going already (Topsy has already sarcastically called the ranger, who she accidentally bit by the way, "dad," to give you a sense of how things are going), and Buppido fits right in as a sort of grandpa figure. he will find the most emotionally vulnerable PCs, worm his nasty little way into their hearts through false displays of kindness, and try to drive a wedge between them and any other characters who see through him. (I suggest giving him expertise in Deception. it feels appropriate.)

Shuushar

Shuushar the Awakened claims to have spent a lifetime in contemplation and solitary meditation in order to overcome his people’s legacy of madness, and it shows in the aura of enlightened calm he exudes despite the horrors he has suffered during his imprisonment. Nothing seems to be able to drive him to anger, and he is utterly unafraid to die for his belief in peace and goodness. He is always happy to offer tidbits of wisdom to those who ask for them, and also to those who don’t. Shuushar hopes to return to his hometown of Sloobludop in order to share his enlightenment with his fellow kuo-toa, as well as anyone else he encounters along the way.

Shuushar,,, drives my players a little bit insane, and I definitely haven't been utilizing his full potential (the players have been mostly fixated on Sarith, the twins, and the cleric NPC I brewed up to replace Eldeth). I've mostly been using him as a vehicle for foreshadowing through what I call Shuushar Stories. he's just. the Worst Fucking Storyteller and it's delightful to write, actually. here are two of the ones I feel contribute most to his characterization:

#1: Darklake Hag

“Yeah, so when they threw me out of Sloobludop, they didn’t even give me a boat, so I had to steal one. Or I was planning to, but then my friend Bloppdagadil snuck out after me to give me her spare boat and also a bag of crawlers. They weren’t fresh, but it was still a great gesture. What a gal. . . Shame the merrows got her. Nasty surprise when the fishermen I was traveling with pulled bits of her out of the Lake in their nets. . . Anyways, yeah, so I was traveling in Bloppdagadil’s boat when suddenly, I’m stuck on a sandbar! So I get out and try to push the boat back into the water when this weird green lady appears out of nowhere and asks me if I want to make a deal with her—I think it was for infinite wisdom or something. I told her, ‘No thanks, I’m good,’ and I push the boat back into the water. Enlightenment is more about the journey than the destination, really, and it wouldn’t mean anything if I didn’t earn it. . . The boat got caught in a whirlpool a few days later. I think it was the green lady’s fault. She said goodbye very ominously.” 

the key takeaways from this one are these:

the Darklake is dangerous, and Shuushar exists in a world where it's just Normal for people to die. you accept it. you move on. it is what it is.

he believes in the journey over the destination. the end does not justify the means.

he has a strong moral code and refuses temptation at every turn (you could play with this in your own campaign depending on how well your players take to him).

he is just a Weird-Ass Guy (affectionate).

foreshadowing for the green hag in the Darklake which I'm gonna present as an option to save Sarith (but at a COST, mwahahahaha).

#2: Funny Story, I Was Exiled

“I will warn you that I didn’t leave Sloobludop on the best of terms, really. Everyone was always moving, moving, moving with the land currents, but I just wanted to stand still for a minute. Ploopploopeen didn’t like that. He didn’t like that at all. . . Oh, Ploopploopeen? He was the archpriest of the Sea Mother—had just been promoted, and his first act was to tell me to never come back. Said I was a ‘bad influence’ or something, and that his daughter would get the wrong idea, watching me. . . I’m not mad about it. Love and fear, together, are a strange thing, and either one alone can drive people to do things they know in their hearts are wrong. Tost about by unseen currents. . . I wonder if he remembers me. I want him to know that I forgave him a long time ago.”

what this monologue was meant to convey:

foreshadowing, mostly. tryna set up Ploopploopeen's motives a bit better than in the module.

Shuushar has hidden depths! he's not some dumbass stoner (though I do try to portray him like he's constantly high, because I think it's funny), he has philosophy! and compassion! and an incredible ability to forgive those who have wronged him! he's a genuinely good dude!

the delivery of these really helped his character come across, tbh. (these ones were given during the session proper, not between via text chatting.) he's just spacey and--not monotone, exactly, but very level in his tone. he's calm. he's unshakeable. maybe your players will appreciate that, or maybe they'll find him annoying and want to stuff a rag into his mouth to get him to Shut Up. (and even that in itself can become compelling; I think we've got a bit of an in-joke developing that We Don't Let Shuushar Tell Stories.)

thanks for the ask, and I really hope this helped!! it was delightful getting to ramble about my own devious machinations, and I would be happy to chat further about my takes on each of the NPCs if you so desire :D

[skullhaver]

2, 13, 14, 35, 51 for Ari

A surprise Ari ask swoops in!! Of course I will answer. Aristide Lucarno is my Antivan Crow apostate mage (Dragon Age OC with many non-canonical traits, like being visibly half-elven)

2. What was your original concept for this character? How did playing them change that concept?

Original: (slaps them on the back) This rakishly charming blorbo can fit so much traumatic backstory in them.

After roleplaying them for a year and nine months: This rakishly charming blorbo has even more depth and nuance to their traumatic backstory than I originally planned, but also they are genuinely funny, caring, and also kind of simple and stupid in an intensely lovable way.

13. What are some motifs you associate with them? Did you intentionally bring in those motifs or did it happen over time?

Intentional from the outset: illusions, masks, mirrors, gold and violet

Happened over time: foxes, wisteria

14. What keeps them up at night?

Quite literal, in their case. Ari's an apostate who has never set foot inside any Circle, but they were trained by a Crow mage who grew up in the Antivan Circle and escaped as an adult. Maestro Octavian imposes as much of Circle disciple and traditions on Ari that he can, including a sort of version of a Harrowing that Ari underwent at the end of their Crow apprenticeship. Long story short, Ari did not defeat their assigned demon but made it out of the Fade anyway. Afterword, they regularly began encountering that same demon in their dreams. Ari's solution to this is to do drugs about it (in our headcanon, elfroot functions something like weed in real life) and Ari hasn't fallen asleep sober in years to avoid dreaming and running into the demon again.

35. When did they feel loneliest?

Well you see 🥺 They got picked up by the Crows after a magical accident in which they accidentally killed their closest friends, resulting in a You Can Never Go Back Home situation. So. Those first couple weeks in the manor owned by House Lucarno were pretty fucking lonely.

51. What element of their backstory are you proudest of?

I have a story about them that I'd really like to put on AO3 maybe one day. It recounts the "burning down a building in a magical accident" incident mentioned above, only it's told from the Crow master's POV who finds them. Ari's little child gang has broken into her house by pure bad luck, trying to do some petty sneak thieving. The most fun part to me is that Ari is not the kid who distinguishes themself first - it's written to make it seem like another kid is the protagonist, an older girl who's the leader of Ari's child-gang and Ari's best friend, Luisa. This Crow master basically overlooks Ari entirely because they don't speak up and don't distinguish themself in any way until, OH, they are magical and cause a massive house fire and are the sole survivor.

[vayneoc]

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Vayne Hayes

My corpo V.

27, female, lesbian.

Stealthy, netrunning, blade carrying mercenary with intel dealing & blackmail tendencies.

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Netrunning goddess, girlboss and the sole reason for the existence of this account.

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Just know that block button go brrrr and remember: my opinion is more important to me than yours.

Try being disrespectful, lecturing and supercilious here and see where it gets you.

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