#also now im going to tag all of the maths community so they can laugh at how terribly i did this

[asleepyteen]

Two cars are traveling north along a highway. The first drives at 40 mph, and the second, which leaves 3 hours later, travels at 60 mph. How long after the second car leaves will it take for the second car to catch the first? A. 1 hour 12 minutes B. 2 hours C. 5 hours D. 6 hours E. 6 hours 40 minutes

of all the weird asks i've ever received this has to be the most disgusting

[silverandarsenic-hcs]

Ghost BC x Bipolar Disorder

disclaimer: everyone with bipolar deals with it differently, has different symptoms, different levels, and different coping mechanisms. im just speaking from experience here cause im just not dealing with it all right now!!! wooohoo!!! ive never talked about this so if you want me to add anyone let me know. 

If hearing about mania/manic states and depressive episodes could trigger you or worsen your mental health, please don’t keep reading. all triggers in the tags as usual. also im doing it as You and not I or “their s/o” for nothing but formatting reasons and laziness. questions and concerns may be as usual directed to the confessional (ask box)

Papa II: It’s kind of difficult with him. He understands the episodes, and that sometimes you can just have regular ups and downs, and that it’s not 100% all the time. He gets depression to a certain extent too. those days you don’t want to get out of bed, don’t have the energy to cry, don’t have the energy to blink so you just let your eyes burn. and when youre up, it’s self destruction, intrusive thoughts, the screaming, the energy. Everything just feels like it’s going too fast, whether you know you’re having an episode or not. II is really good at helping you navigate your episodes. He wont push you to calm down, or tell you to “just be happy” when youre up and down. He’s good at helping things feel real. Helping you come down inside enough that you can recognize yourself in the mirror. Whether you don’t believe in medication, or went off it, or it isn’t working for you, he’ll support you no matter what and never think you’re crazy or awful or manipulating him. He knows you cant control it. 

Papa III: He tries to understand, he really does, but theres so many hard stigmas about bipolar that are hard to let go. That it’s day to day, or hour to hour moods instead of episodes that can last a few days to a few weeks. He knows it’s not his fault, but seeing you talk faster than your brain can process your words, your bursts of manic energy where you just wanna run and your bad ideas, knowing whats going on in your head, it makes him feel useless knowing theres nothing he can do to help you. All he can try to do is talk you off the ledge when you’re about to do something Not Great, and make sure to keep communication open so that if you feel an episode coming on you can try and find ways to stop it together. when you’re depressed, he tries the classic stuff to make you smile: movies, warm blankets, cuddling, forehead kisses, whatever fluff ive put in these hcs before. but it doesn’t work. it cant possibly work when you can’t stop crying and don’t even want him around. and thats a hard pill to swallow - hard to really understand its not him you don’t want around, it’s just that you don’t want anyone around. His best suggestion is to talk to a therapist because he never wants to give you any bad ideas, or bad coping mechanisms, or say something that could trigger an episode, and it’s hard for him to really understand where those lines are if theyre changing all the time (and they usually are). 

Dewdrop: he’ll vibe with you. he doesn’t really understand what you’re going through in any capacity, and why its such a bad thing when you have energy, but whatever you wanna do he’ll do it with you. if you’re manic, he’ll probably try to get on your level - and hear me out, i know this is a dangerous game and AWFUL for someone to do when you’re manic, but listen. If he tries to get on your level when you’re Up, it’s easier for him to understand what you’re thinking. If you tell him something kinda crazy you wanna do when he’s coolin, of course it’s gonna sound crazy and a bad idea and he’ll try and stop you - but that doesn’t get the Crazy out. if he’s up, he can better judge what’s a fun little reckless thing to do vs what’s actually dangerous and what to keep you away from. And he’s good at distracting. Good at steering your constantly crashing train of thought. When you’re in a depressive state, he’ll just lay there with you. he won’t try and talk it out of you, or suggest you do something fun, or tell you how everything's gonna be okay. he doesnt know that for sure and he’s not going to lie to you. but he’s figured out the more still and quiet he is when you’re down like that, the less likely you are to try and kick him out or push him away. The more he rides those waves with you the more he can understand what you’re going through, and learn about what your lines and triggers are. 

Swiss: okay i havent talked about this that much on this account (its a big part of my book haha please read it) but Swiss is Smart. like ridiculously book smart, math smart, people smart, street smart. once hes been around you for long enough, he’s sometimes better at noticing the signs of an episode before you do. He’s really perceptive when it comes to the tone of your voice, little ticks, what you’re saying, how you’re dressing. You know he’s paying attention, but he does it in a way that doesn't make you feel like you’re being watched or monitored ever. everyone knows thats fucking annoying and feels invasive as hell. When you’re manic he’s good at helping you get back to a place of center. not calm, or back to normal, but centered. grounded. it’s hard to feel like you even Exist in the same world as other people sometimes and he gets that. definitely watches how much time you spend online, cause that can make the Not Existing feeling a lot worse. When you’re low, he’s good at talking to you. he’ll direct the conversation to and from whatever you’re upset about if anything, in a way that doesn’t feel invasive or like pestering. if you dont wanna talk about whatever's wrong (and lets be honest, sometimes its Nothing) then he’ll get you to talk about something. Anything just to keep you talking. The goal isn’t to make you laugh and smile, maybe its just to make you feel less alone in the world, but if you do laugh and smile that’s just a cherry on top. 

- Kat

disclaimer part two: there are no excuses mental illness or otherwise for treating your partner poorly and putting someone who cares about you (anyone, really) through hell just because they’ll take it or because you wont seek help isnt okay.

[aedroths]

inspired by @indoril-nerevar-mora post about positivity, here's a 5 by 5 positivity tag!!

talk about 5 things about tes that you love and then about 5 of your favorite tes blogs!!

tes, in general, is a great franchise, and honestly talking to another person irl that loves it always makes me so happy and glad to have a friend to talk about it with!!! and i admit I've had my problems with this in the past, but instead of approaching everyone with anger and hatred that disagree with us on the nuances, we should be glad to have an ENTIRE community to share our oc stories, our ideas, theories and things that just make us happy about tes. obviously this doesn't go the same for vigilantly hateful people like nazis, racists, homophobes, transphobes, MAPs... basically anyone that enters this fandom to attack people bc of their identity or have a harmful intent. there is no debate about basic decency, and if you're someone negatively affects the community, shame on you!!! no one should have to tell you to be decent and kind

anyway, we as a community need to be more positive and loving. most of us use tes and tumblr as an escape (not therapy 👀) from reality - from personal home issues, from politics, from heartbreaking stories on the news. we need to be more supportive, more understanding and more kind. why escape from the harshness of life only to log onto to see dreadful disk horse and people attacking another over opinions?

ANYWAY getting to the point (i know i ramble lmao) here's five things about tes that i love:

the soundtrack. admittedly, I've only played oblivion and skyrim but their scores are so relaxing. double that with the scenery, and it's no wonder people spend HOURS on this game. it's soothing and helps a ton w anxiety (and insomnia - even my 2 month old seems to sleep better with it playing in the background).

characters and their backstories. mine, specifically are sapphire, serana, miraak, nazir, sanguine, sheo, malacath, azura, mara, and brynjolf. it would be an essay on why i love each SO

the lore. it's complex, frustrating, but so fun to read about during feeding my son (hint: breastfeeding is exhausting lol). with the exception of nearly everything written by kirkbride (and several other racist/sexist aspects...), i appreciate the thought that goes into expanding tamriel.

the fact that with nearly EVERY game, there is so much exploring to do. under every rock is something new, and you find so many breathtaking destinations unmarked. like i said, it's no wonder people spend hours on the game.

the armor, weapons, etc. it feels immersive that you really can become a badass warrior, or shadowy thief, or intelligent mage (but it really seems like by dialogue in skyrim, they have a specific build in the writing :/) it also gives you the ability to create a multitude of ocs, with a range of stories, skills, personalities,,, even to ship with favorite characters. the open world really feels immersive idk

so to also spread the positivity within the community, here's my top five favorite tes bloggers (PLEASE don't take it personally if you're not on the list!!! all of you are creative, beautiful people!!)

@airiat her ocs are adorable, her writing is beautiful and she's genuinely a great person w such a positive energy (im getting SUCH a lavender vibe from u luv). we're both into astrology and tarot, and she has an amazing talent reading BOTH. like her analysis of astrology is so accurate and reliable. she is so easy to talk to and and just SO friendly and kind. and i absolutely ADORE her ship of her oc fjoara and teldryn 😍😍 honestly anyone would be doing themselves a favor by following this angel 🕊❤

@partyatsanguines she raised to popularity seemingly quick in this fandom and she absolutely deserves it!! the thought she puts in her memes, shitposts and her amazing ocs is amazing! her jokes are hilarious and definitely have made me laugh when i was having a SHITTY day. she has such a no-nonsense attitude and I'm getting a velvet red vibe from her. she's so smart (seriously i don't understand anything with math and yet here she is!!! fucking majoring in it i am just WOW) and you can see it in her jokes too. honestly i used to envy her jokes!! like i would wish i was witty enough to come up with HALF that she does. you deserve every follower and kind message queen!! ❤

@doomedteaparty i think she was actually one of the first people who posted about tes. she's incredibly creative, artistic and just really an amazing person. i love her ocs, and the ships she has with her ocs, her screenshots are always amazing. she's insightful and knowledgeable, and hearing her opinions honestly seems to give me a spare brain cell. she has such an ocean blue vibe 🌊 babe you're doing SO great don't forget that!!! 💕💕💕

@trinimac i haven't been following her for too long, but I've seen her posts about malacath (she's definitely the reason why i love him now!!!) she seems to have such an astounding knowledge on lore, and really just funny as fuck. her posts always slap frfr. im getting a sunset orange vibe?! i don't know much else but honestly keep doing you, you have such an amazing mind ❤❤

and of course @indoril-nerevar-mora !! honestly hes an absolute angel, and a strong person!!!! with everything he's been through, he's an inspiration 💖💖. && him and his boyf are honestly SO adorable and relationship goals as fuck 💕💕 i love his ocs, their stories and honestly just how badass he made them!!! and his screenshots are just 💯💯 has on point opinions and has great insights. DEFINITELY picking up a pearl vibe 🥰

whether you're tagged or not, everyone should post their top five by fives, and spread a much needed positivity (and if you don't, no pressure!!) tag as #tesblrpositivity bc i def want to see why everyone loves tes and tesblr!!! 💕💕💕

[lysung]

Wabi-sabi (part 1)

Genre: angst, fluff (in the upcoming chapters :))

Pairing: Minsung (Jisung + Minho)

Words: 2,750

Summary: Wabi-sabi means imperfect or incomplete beauty. This is a central concept in Japanese aesthetics, which comes from Buddhist teachings on the transient nature of life. A pot with uneven edges is more beautiful than a perfectly smooth one, because it reminds us that life is not perfect.

Han Jisung and Lee Minho are two average high schoolers who have differences in common; two of them are being from the other high schoolers are being a part from the LGBT community and too thoughtful in an unhealthy way, besides many other things society would see as "flaws". After accidentally knowing each other through Twitter, they eventually became best friends but both of them still had colorless and monotone lives outside internet, until that, someday, one of them is about to get beaten up for being LGBT and the other one defends a random guy from getting beaten up by one of his best friends.

Warnings: bullying, homophobia, depressive thoughts

A/N: hello! i'm alexis and this is my first au :) i know this blog is supposed to be a fluff imagines blog, but i've been feeling like writing some ansgt lately. i hope y'all don't mind it ^^ i've worked hard on this since it's my arts homework as well, so i didn't have all the time to write this, but i did write it on my pace and, honestly, im still a bit unconfident about this one. if this gets a great reaction, i will definitely continue this asap ❤️ i hope you enjoy and please leave a heart and/or reblog, it would help me a lot and make my day 💕

=================================

Legend says that, as soon as you’re born, you get a red string tied to your finger, connecting you to someone you’re destined to meet, regardless of time, place or circumstance. The string may stretch or tangle but it will never break.

Han Jisung always found the Universe majestic but crazy at the same time. Isn’t it weird how everything happen as it wills? Or, maybe, would it be They? Who is in control of the universe, if there’s someone with such power? Would they be God? But who is God, actually? Is there someone above God? — This kind of thought dominated the teenager’s mind every once in a while and, when it did, it would always keep him up at night. The thought of living his own life but, actually, being controlled by a divine existence, would scare him sometimes.

But, the thing is: the Universe, be it "it" or "they", never did anything out of the blue. Everything happens for a reason; whether if we trip or fall, cry out of pain or laughter, fake or genuinely smile, nothing happens “just because”. And we live to grow up as individuals and learn each and every lesson “it” has to teach us, even the small and silly ones.

Laid down on his bed, Jisung, who strongly believed in such legends, turned off his phone and stared at his dark-ish room’s ceiling, slightly bright thanks to the street lights outside.

These thoughts were, once again, haunting him. All he could do was wonder 3 things: What is he supposed to learn? Why? And, specially, who is going to help him?

These thoughts were soon replaced by self depreciative ones as soon as he looked through the window and noticed the sun rising. He would soon have to be up to get ready for another monotone day of school. He turned around, his back facing the windows, closed his eyes and, one more time, tried to fall asleep. But, as time passed, his thoughts wouldn’t go away; neither his usual philosophical thoughts or the self depreciative ones. There were hundreds of voices screaming in his head – some were calling him, some sounded mad, you would be afraid if you could hear them too. And when he least expected, his alarm ranged, meaning not only it was time for him to get ready for school, but also that he lost another fight to his strong mind.

Later that morning, during class change, he noticed 3 of his seniors in the other side of the corridor. Changbin, Hyunjin and Felix were staring at him and laughing out loud; he tried to ignore them and got his material for Math class. Walking to his classroom carefully, trying his best to avoid them, but they eventually came to him and Changbin pinned him to the nearest locker.

"Where are you trying to go, you shameless fag?" Changbin, their "leader", said to his face in provocation.

"Leave me alone, Changbin. Mind your own busin-" The younger tried to say and break free from his strong grip, but failed and was cutted out by Changbin.

"What are you gonna do? Are you gonna run away? Huh?" The oldest said, the provocation never leaving his tone.

Jisung was speechless. The small anxious boy didn't know what to do — should he fight back? Say something mean to them? Run away? He was totally alone and lost; there was nothing he could do.

"What is going on in here?" A high-pitched voice echoed through the, now, empty corridor, and, right next to them was the school's principal, looking pissed off as usual.

"Oh, nothing, Mrs. Kang! I was just... just... asking him how he'll go back home after school, so that I would know if I should take him home or not, hehe! I love this guy, Mrs. Kang. You have no idea how much I lo-"

"Detention. The 4 of you. And, Mr Seo, I'll let you go this time but, if you ever try to lie to me again, it's detention for a whole week. No buts." Mrs. Kang said and left, cutting Changbin's excuse off and getting a sigh from each of them in response.

"Listen up." To turn back to Jisung was the first thing Changbin did as soon as Mrs. Kang left. "I will get you and teach you how to behave like a real man, annoying faggot. Wait for it." Changbin threatened again, looking deep in Jisung's eyes and left. He watched their figures get smaller as they walked through the long corridor, fear and regret as evident in his eyes than never. Changbin had something in his eyes that made Jisung even more confused and lost.

As soon as the group had finally disappeared, Jisung bursted to the school's restroom without looking back, not being able to hold back the tears. Poor boy wouldn't make it to Math today and he was very aware of it.

This was just a tiny bit of Jisung's daily life, but it always shattered his heart in a billion pieces. He wondered, how can people be this heartless? Why are people like this to people like him, who were just born "different"? What's so wrong in being different? In being yourself? In loving someone, not minding their gender identity? What did Jisung do to deserve to live in such a inhumane society?

What did people like him did for the universe to punish them like this? What did they do to deserve such pain?

Jisung eventually lost his hope on society and hated his mind even more for being so cruel to him. All these voices calling him out, calling him names and saying stupid things would never shut up. How great would it be if he had somewhere to scream freely, without fearing to be heard...

As he walked through a dark path in life, it only seemed to get darker. He tried his best to run away, but something was stronger than him, pulling him further into the endless darkness, regardless of how much he fighted back, until he couldn't fight anymore. That's when he gave up.

After two hours spent locked in the bathroom, including some time to calm down a little bit and reduce the swelling in his eyes at least a little bit, he finally left the restroom and safely got his stuff and went to his classroom, lowering his head to hide his swollen eyes.

And this is how Jisung spent the rest of his time at school: hiding himself from everyone, specially his eyes. No one should see his eyes, or else he would be bombarded with questions and feel even worse with people pretenting to be concerned.

When he was finally back home, his safe place, the first things he's done was locking himself in his room and throwing himself on his bed. It was a way too long day for Jisung and all he wanted was to sleep forever.

Hence he couldn't sleep, he unlocked his phone and tried to look for a calm and soothing song to sleep when he received a message from one of his favorite people ever: Lee Minho, a friend he knew through Twitter. They were like best friends; sending memes, using matching icons, tagging each other in random "love yourself" tweets and even writing sweet things to the other, just to remind them that they are loved and appreciated. It was the kind of friendship people either envy or ship. They would never stop talking to each other and Jisung would never find the exact words that can express all his gratitute for having such an amazing person in his life.

"hey, how was school today? did those dumbasses disturb you again?" Minho asked him in the most "Minho" way as always. Jisung's heart always skipped a beat whenever he would receive a message from him - he's one of the few people who actually worry about him and he loved this feeling.

"it actually sucked as always, but there's not much I can do about it anyways. and yeah, they did, that's why :(" Jisung replied, trying hard not to remind of what happened earlier.

"wait right there bub, i'll brb i will get some tickets to go to your city and kick some asses to mars" Jisung smiled at his reply. Ever since they talked for the first time, Minho's personality amazed Jisung. They were completely opposites, and that was the fun part - their differences made everything perfect.

Minho was, unfortunately, the only person Jisung told about Changbin and his "crew". He just couldn't gather the courage to tell anyone but him, blind by scenarios of his family's possible reactions.

"you're so weird" "i love you so much" Jisung replied and smiled as wide as he could. This kind of reply between them would be pretty common. Now, the question is: is it really a joke or not? Did they mean it, or not? They never even thought about saying this, but it obviously made both of their hearts best crazily fast.

"now that's a lie because i love you more" and tons of heart emojis and memes were shared.

They were each other's happiness, home, a safe place. It was incredible how each message would melt both their hearts. Happiness was endless whenever they would talk. "If only universe could make us live near...", Jisung said to himself. He just wanted to hold tight this bright light that had been brightening up the path Jisung was going through.

"hey, I didn't go to school today so i kept on reading about random facts and found out about a japanese legend that says that two people who are destined to meet are connected by a string tied to their hands and i thought of you" "you said you really like legends like this, so i was wondering if you knew about this one..." Jisung's cheeks began to hurt for smiling for so long. Minho makes him feel so loved, which is a feeling he's still not used to, but he wish he could feel all this in person.

"you're so adorable :( and yes i do know this one, it's one of my favorites!" "i wonder who's on the other side of my string..."

"if you're not gonna be on the other side of my red string then what's the point."

"i love you. i wish i could say this in person."

"i love you too bub and that's fine. some day this will happen, okay? we can and will make it happen. promise?"

"promise."

(...)

It was time for another monotone day at school. He would always know what was going to happen because it's been like this for a while now: he goes to school, sleeps in class, is bullyied, sometimes sleeps a bit longer and then, go back home. It's like he's stuck in a viscious loop - in the end of the day, he would always come back home with a sad expression in his face but he couldn't change this.

At school, waiting for biology class to begin, Jisung decides to try talking to someone. If he wants to stop avoiding people, he should be able to have short conversations with anyone. While talking to this girl who sits beside him about a test they would have later that day, a group of boys sat next to him and started to talk in a much higher tone. Jisung couldn't see their faces before they sat, but it was, surely, Changbin as his crew. Soon they started "talking" about gays and how they are ridiculous. Nice. What a beautiful place with sympathetic people, yay. Poor boy could barely focus in class because of all the noise they were making.

As his class ended and he was about to get his materials for his upcoming biology class, the same group of boys pinned Jisung just like the day before. He was shaking; it was happening one more time and he still didn't know what to do. Shaking under his breath, he didn't say or do anything. He wouldn't dare.

"Hello fairy, we're back." This was enough for Jisung to want to disappear. No, not these feelings again...

"H-hey... b-b-back for w-what?" Jisung asked, stuttering, in deep hopes it wasn't about what he thought.

"I told you we we would teach you how to be a real man, didn't I? And we'll do it now. You'll thank us later when you finally understand what being normal is." Changbin said, clearly trying to scare Jisung even more but, unfortunately, he couldn't get anymore scared. He could barely move or speak. He definitely gave up when he saw Changbin's fist in the air, getting ready to punch him, but another yell from the other side was calling for Changbin this time. His attention was divided between Jisung and the mysterious guy.

"What are you even trying to do?" The guy asked, trying to separate Jisung from them.

"N-no, it's not like that, I swear-"

"What is this supposed to be, then? I saw what I saw, and heard what I heard. So, you're gonna teach him how to 'act like a real man'? Because of what, he's gay?"

"Minho, what are you doing?" Changbin tried to reach him and grab his arms, just like how they would do when they were children, but, this time, Minho wasn't feeling like it. He completely understood what was going on and something must be done about it. He wasn't going to keep anything to himself in such moment, even if the one he's confronting is one of his best friends.

"First of all, he is a man. He's not 'less manly' than you, just because he like boys. Love is normal. Don't you even dare try to say it is not normal, or a sin, or whatever excuse you want to give." Minho kept on yelling and pushing Changbin and his other friends. It did hurt him inside, but he wouldn't stop. "You believe in God, right? Well, God wants you to respect His children as who they are. Also, stop acting as if 'gay cure' exist. You think beating a gay up will 'cure' him, huh? Well, this is not and will never be the right option, Changbin. He's done nothing wrong and there's nothing to be cured. You are the one who should learn to be a man. I thought you had finally understood me when we had that talk, maybe you really weren't paying attention at all, apparently. I can't with all this. You have absolutely 0 respect for people who aren't like you, and I won't stand this anymore. I can't do this. You will never change." At this point, there was a crowd watching Minho, their jaw dropped. He really thouched each of them deeply. Jisung could feel the pain and suffering in his voice. All he wanted to do was to hug him, if it means it would make Minho feel better, even if just for a while. He thought he is so brave for standing up for someone like Changbin because of a stupid dude he didn't even know. This is insane.

Maybe you can still have hope on this society, after all.

[gracieheartspedro]

Stuck with Me (Steve Harrington x Reader) PART 2

NOTE: IM SO HAPPY! The response on the first part had me so happy, I had to post quicker than I wanted to originally. Thank you all for the amazing comments! I don’t have a tagged thing up yet, so if you want to be tagged, please message me and I will add you. For now, I’ll just have to post and hope all of you see it. I will get a tagged list ready for Part 3!

Word count: 2348

Warnings: NONE (yet (-; muahaha)

PART 1

After school homework sessions were now me and Steve’s everyday routine. We would sit on the living room floor, eat whatever my uncle stocked up on, and help each other with our work. It was productive but also super fun. We would have breaks in between and talk about random stuff. Whether it was about school, life, anything, Steve was always up for conversation.

By Friday, his essay was ready to be turned in, and I was ready for the pop quiz we had.

The rest of my school days went well, except for the constant threat Billy would say something to me. On Wednesday, he asked me to go to the basketball game and watch him play but I said I had plans, which I did, technically, but I just wanted to avoid him. On Thursday, he stood outside my Physics class and walked me to my last period. He kept asking me when I was going to let him bring me to the movies. I told him when he turns into Tom Cruise and takes me to a movie premiere. He chuckled at my answer and told me I was “a piece of work”.

His laugh was kind of cute. His genuine laugh. I heard it once when I said something catty to him and he threw his head back. In that moment I thought I saw decency within Billy Hargrove. The feeling and realization faded when he told me I looked “hot” in my skirt as I walked into my classroom. Every time he said it, it sent a tingle up my spine. It wasn’t the adjective I was looking to be called and every time I heard his deep voice mutter it, I wanted to shrivel up into a ball and die.

Steve, on the other hand, called me “cute”. He said I was “unlike any other girl he’s hung out with” and that I made him laugh than other people in his life. He made me feel important and always complimented me, in a not-creepy-type-of-way. He smiled and laughed at my jokes, even when they were terrible. And when I sang in the car on the way home from school, he was always harmonizing with me jokingly.

We decided whatever was going on between us, needed to be taken slowly. I wanted nothing but to kiss him and hold him, and he made it pretty obvious he felt the same way, but we knew flying into things would end up making things awkward and weird. Taking it slow and being friends first was the best bet to make this thing last.

So for another week, he drove me home and we watched TV together. Sometimes we played wrestled and fought over shows we liked. He even started picking me up in the mornings, so Hop didn’t have to drop me and Jane off at school. He would bring me breakfast biscuits and we would talk about upcoming assignments in math and how we couldn’t stand Billy. As time went on, he started staying around longer. He would stay after school with me until 7, which was an hour before Hopper got home. He said he “didn’t have anything else to do” but I knew something else was going on. I could feel it as his demeanor changed when people were near us. Jane, people at school, whoever. He just shut down and got quiet. It was odd, but I decided not to question it.

He told me wanted to see some horror movie, which I gladly said we could go see together. He told me he’d hold my hand if things got too scary. I giggled and told him he could hide in my hair if things became too much for him. He didn’t laugh, just huffed and said he was fearless. We decided on Friday night and promised each other it was just a “friend date”, whatever that meant.

So when 8 rolled around and my uncle pulled up to the house, I was ready to present my case for a 9 o’clock movie with Steve Harrington. He walks in, huffing and puffing. He doesn’t notice my dressed up attire, as he headed to the fridge to grab a beer. He had one or two a night. I made sure he’d cut back, especially since Jane was around now.

“Uncle Jim, I got a question…”

“Does it involve me leaving the house?” He groans, sitting down on the couch next to Jane, who was reading a book she had for school.

“No, I’m just going out with Steve tonight and I was wondering if it was okay?” My voice started to go up in nervousness.

He chuckled, “You two dating, now? Do I have to scope him out?”

“Not dating, just hanging out.”

Jane looks up from her book, “No more homework here?”

Hopper furrows his eyebrows.

Shit.

I didn’t really tell him Steve was coming over every day. He always left before he came home, anyway. I knew he wouldn’t go for it and probably yell at me.

“You have him over without me here?” He asks, his voice guttural and demeaning. He sits forward more, his elbows on his knees.

“Uh… yeah. We’ve been doing homework here after school.” I respond, nervously. Please don’t be mad.

“And were you planning on telling me or we just going to start inviting guys over all the time? Yanno what,” His voice twists. I know he’s about to be sarcastic, “Hey Jane, why don’t you invite Mike over for a sleepover? Maybe he can even sleep in your bed!”

Jane’s face twists, “Sounds stupid.”

“And what aren’t we Jane?”

“Stupid.” She turns the page of her book, her face deep inside it, her curls the only thing visible.

Hopper looks over at me, his face steady. “Bingo.”

“It’s not like that! We honestly just do homework, and sometimes eat your cracker jack bu-”

“I knew it was going too quickly!” He yelled, sounding more angry about the cracker jack than he was about me having Steve over.

“I’m sorry, I’ll buy you more!”

“Y/N… I need you,” He stops to think and collect himself, “I need you to be honest with me okay? I just need communication. I know ever sin-”

“Don’t pull that with me,” I say, my throat getting tight. Don’t bring her up.

“Just tell me what’s going on and I won’t get mad, okay? You can go out tonight but,” He scans my outfit, “Put on pants.”

I roll my eyes, “Madonna doesn’t wear pants with mini dresses, Hop.”

“You’re not Madonna.”

I return to my room to change.  

-

“Have a good night. Have her home before midnight, Harrington.”

The door closes behind us as we get into Steve’s BMW. It’s a little chilly tonight, so I was grateful I changed when I was told to. I changed into some black jeans and a simple red top, putting my jean jacket over all of it. I also touched up my lipgloss and mascara, ensuring I was a little more done up than usual.

I buckle up and glance over at Steve. He huffed after turning on the car, placing both of his hands on the wheel.

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah, just,” He stops, biting his lip, “I had to sneak out because my dad is mad at my Biology grade and we fought when I got home from school… it’s dumb don-“

“Why didn’t you tell me you needed help with Biology?”

“Because then it would’ve taken up more time with you that i’d rather spend just listening to you talk about other stuff,” I watch him curl his lips, trying to figure out what to say next. His eyebrows raise, “I mean you could talk about cheeses and I’d listen to you for hours, but..”

I blush, placing my hands in my lap, “I really like mozzarella.”

He snickers, putting the car in reverse. “Tell me more?”

“I would be I’ll have to find a cheddar time.”

We both grow silent before laughing loudly, filling the car up with our awful cheese jokes. We switch the conversation, Steve bringing up how my uncle sure went easy on him. I told him he found out about him coming over, and he shrugged.

“We didn’t do anything, anyway.”

“Yeah, but he thinks we are,” I reply, running my hand through my curls.

Steve was quiet. He seemed even more off tonight. When he came in to get me and say hello, he wouldn’t even look at Jane. He just silently muttered a hello, and continued conversation with Hop. I suspected he was hiding something from me. Maybe it was me being wary of letting people in, maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me, who knows.

“So how’s Jane doing in school?” He asks out of the blue, watching the road.

“Fine. She has problems with teachers because she’s kind of quiet.” I respond. Jane was a lot of things, but mostly to herself and silent. When I first met her less than two months ago, she wouldn’t even shake my hand. She either had something smart to say or nothing to say at all. She kept to herself, reading and watching TV. On the weekends, she got to go over to Mike’s house and hang out with her friends, but other than that she went to school and came home.

“She’s a really strong girl,” Steve says. It sounds like he’s trying to take the conversation elsewhere, but I’m not completely sure where he’s going with it. And it was a completely random statement. What are you hiding, Harrington?

“Yeah, her mom not telling my uncle about her and then watching her mother die? It’s awful. I think that’s why she’s quiet. She doesn’t really know how to take it all in. I’m just glad Hop stepped up to be a father again. I knew it was hard on him.” I say, watching Steve carefully to see if his expression changed. But it stayed steady and calculated. Like he was rehearsing the whole exchange in his head.

Steve cleared his throat, “Yeah, absolutely.”

I furrow my eyebrows, before returning my eyes to the road. “What are you thinking?”

“Huh?”

The question was not apart of his script. He was thrown off that’d I’d even ask it.

“What. Are. You. Thinking?”

He was silent for a moment, “How great you look in that jean jacket.”

I stare down at my outfit, shaking my head. “Not the answer I was going for, love.”

“What was the answer you were hoping for?” He asks, almost annoyed.

I don’t look over at him even though I know he’s glancing over at me, “Maybe how you wouldn’t even look at Jane when we were back at my place. And now you’re bringing her up in conversation. Maybe that.”

“I’m just curious?” He began to get defensive, sparking our first argument.

“Well, it just seems a little weird and off to me.”

“I don’t know why. Do you think I know something you don’t?”

“Yeah, actually I do.”

“Well, I don’t!”

I look at him, a fire in his eyes I’ve never seen before. His face scrunched his hands tightly around the steering wheel.

“Pull over.”

“What?” His voice cracks, nervous at my request.

“Pull over!”

He slams on his breaks, pulling off the main drag of town, almost driving straight into a ditch. I huff loudly, crossing my arms. We sit for what feels like hours, in complete silence.

“If you know something about her that I don’t, I need you to tell me,” I whisper, looking down at my lap, before looking over at him. He’s staring down at me, his mouth opens a little like he’s about to say something.

“There’s weird shit happening in Hawkins, that I don’t understand. I know she and her friends are involved, and that whatever we all thought was over is back. And it came back as soon as you showed up.”

His statement took me aback. My heart started racing, my mind wondering.

“What kind of weird shit?”

He leans back into his seat, “Things you’d only imagine to happen in movies.”

I almost want to laugh at how stupid he’s being, but when I break, smirking a little, his face stays the same. He doesn’t laugh, he doesn’t smile, just a stern seriousness that almost scares me.

“And all this ‘weird shit’ began again when I showed up?” I mutter, trying not to piss him off. I keep my instinctual giggles to myself.

“Yeah… I know it sounds made up and stupid, but I am genuinely afraid of Jane. She can do stuff- I-I just don’t understand. I just…” He drifts off, “I don’t want you to get hurt, that’s why I started driving you home. Because I wanted to make sure nothing happened to you. I don’t need help with English, and I am not acting weird because of my dad, I’m acting weird because when we left, Jane wouldn’t stop staring at me and I felt like she was trying to tell me something.”

“She was staring at you? Maybe it’s just because you’re extremely attractive and she’s questioning her love for Mike.” I smirk, going to grab his face.

He rolls his eyes, “I’m not fucking around, Y/N!”

His tone completely throws me off. I stop going towards him, retreating back into my corner.

“I wish I was. I wish this wasn’t happening again, but something is up. And I know you won’t understand this all from me.” Steve continued, his voice tamer.

“We are going to miss our movie.”

“That’s fine. I have a better idea.” He puts the car in drive, speeding off towards the outskirts of town.

“What are you going to murder me?” I ask, almost anticipating him to actually be an ax murderer who is completely delusion. This night couldn’t be any more of a disappointment, anyway.

“No, I’m going to bring you to someone who can explain it all, way better than me.”

[bfknj]

tags masterpost (?)

I was tagged in a few tag games over the past few days and instead of posting them all separately I decided to just put them all on one! If I tagged you feel free to do any or all of these (including people who tagged me!!) As always, don’t feel any pressure to do any, I just think these are fun and wanted to share :)

- - - - 11 questions tag - - - -

Rules: 1. Make sure to post the rules!! 2. Answer the questions given to you by the tagger. 3. Write 11 questions of your own. 4. Tag 11 people

these questions are from @moonmyun !! michaela you had me stRUGGLIN OKAY YOUR QUESTIONS WERE HARD but ily still bless you for the tag you angel :”)

1 who is your bias group? why?

BANGTAN SONYEONDAN AKA MEME SQUAD !!!!!!! honestly they just make me so beyond happy wow holly nobody ever says that about their favs ur original a LOOOT of music is centered around love these days and not to say bts doesn’t do that with a lot of their music but they also tackle a lot of societal issues and I really respect them for that. From 21st century girls w politics, spring day mv and the ferry sinking, suicide in the I need u mv and many other things I feel like they take risks for the sake of portraying what they hold true to their hearts/morals not necessarily what will sell best and I can’t name many other groups who do that as well :( also my boys cute af I love those dweebs IM SO WHIPPED HAH

2 which kpop video do you find the most aesthetically pleasing?

this is hard :(( idk my number one but I really like seventeen hip hop unit’s check in, red velvet’s one of these nights, ladies code’s galaxy, kim lip of loona’s eclipse and crush’s fall ! they don't all match my aesthetic but I feel like they match the songs really well!!! watch them okay 3/5 of them are hELLA UNDERRATED bye

3 if you could instantly learn one choreography, what would you pick?

something by either gfriend or bts?? love whisper or not today or blood sweat tears?? OOOH or red flavor by rv!! tbh though I’m really skinny so my limbs look weird af with a lot of dances rip

4 who do you look up to as a role model (in the kpop community or not)?

there’s no person in particular that really sticks out but I will say I’ve always admired jungkook, and really all trainees for that matter, who leave their families to start training really young because its a process thats hard physically, emotionally and mentally for late teen/early twenties trainees but there’s sO many kids who enter in their pre-teens and idk how they survive also I realized this doesn’t answer your question at all I'm sorry its 1:28 AM I’m just waiting for the DNA mv to drop

5 whose concert would you go to if you could and why?

DAY6 DAY6 DAY6 DAY6 !!!!! THEY INVENTED LIVE SHOWS DONT FIGHT ME ON THIS or shoot maybe dean or crush or heize?? I LOVE TOO MANY TALENTED PEOPLE also I would say bts but although there are countless amazing beautiful armys there are def some crazy scary ones that are known to be horrible at concerts so

6 if you could pick one idol to be best friends with, who would it be and why?

OK YALL IVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS A LOT IN MY DAILY LIFE SO S/H TO MICHAELA FOR ASKING ILY either boo seungkwan or ahn heeyeon!! I feel like hani would be so fun to have girl time with bc I feel like we’re really similar in some ways ?? IDK I LOVE HER bUT overall I’d say boo seungkwan because istg we are 100000000% the same person only he has a weenie ok just trust me I am boo and boo is me

7 would you want to be a part of a kpop group if you had the opportunity to be?

I’d absolutely love to be in the entertainment industry and I think the staging, costuming, group dynamics and publicity (variety shows, fan service/interations) in the kpop industry are all really cool but I honestly don't think I have the mental strength to do it lmao idols go through so much and I don’t think I could handle it regardless of how much I enjoy singing/dancing/performing etc.

8 what languages do you speak, and which do you want to learn?

english and some spanish??? I understand a lot because quite a bit of my family speaks it but my conversational skills have gone downhill recently because I haven’t had a lot of opportunities to practice :( with that said, I’d like to be fluent in spanish and - BEFORE YOU COME FOR ME READ IT ALL OK - I’d like to learn korean BECAUSE!!!!! when I was little before I moved I would go to a farmers market by my house and a lot of the older ladies there spoke korean and little holly though it sounded so pretty and I always wanted to chat w them ok THATS WHY I’m not a creepy koreaboo this has been a thing since before I even knew what a kpop was ok bye 

9 what song cheers you up when you’re sad?

fire by bts bc I get hella turnt to that song its a pROBLEM also jackpot by block b, baby/puss in boots by astro, chained up by vixx, not today/bst by bts, knock knock by twice, i think I love you by sonamoo THE LIST GOES ON I HAVE A WHOLE PLAYLIST OK

10 what things do you associate with your bias?

dimples!! pretty hands, closing one eye in selcas, ootds, happiness so cheesy ik sORRY, ryan, studying, awkward dancing, open mouth laughs, second hand embarrassment, sentimental rants

11 what’s your favourite thing to do in your free time?

cry over namjoon tbh I’m one of those people who is constantly listening to music so I’m always doing that and singing along regardless of if its free time or not HAH then I really like reading and catching up on my youtube subscriptions

my questions!

what is your dream job?

favorite book of all time?

what is your current fashion like and what is your dream fashion?

if your best friend was cloned, how would you know which one of the two was your best friend?

what song got you into kpop?

which idol do you think is most similar to you?

favorite kpop lyrics?

if given the opportunity to collaborate with any group/soloist of your choice, who would you choose and why?

what is your favorite physical and character trait of your ult?

which underrated groups/soloists do you believe deserve more recognition? any song recs?

do you read fanfics? if so, what are your favorites?

- - - - song title game - - - -

I was tagged by @kihani, your song choices were 12/10 

rules: spell you your url with kpop songs and tag ten people! (all of these happen to by song recs too so listen nd be happy friends)

mysterious - hello venus

i think i love you? - sonamoo (a fav ok listen pls)

life in color - beenzino

knock - knk 

jelly - hotshot

only u - daze

out of sorts - vixx

night rather than day - exid

she’s a baby - zico

- - - - get to know me tag! - - - -

1ST RULE: Tag 10 people you want to get to know better.

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true. tagged by @sleepysugarmoon, thank you friend!! APPEARANCE: I am 5'7" or taller I wear glasses (or contact lenses) I have at least one tattoo I have at least one piercing I have blonde hair I have brown eyes I have short hair My abs are at least somewhat defined I have or have had braces PERSONALITY: I love meeting new people  People tell me that I’m funny   Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me I enjoy physical challenges I enjoy mental challenges I’m playfully rude with people I know well I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it ABILITY: I can sing well I can play an instrument  I can do over 30 pushups without stopping I’m a fast runner I can draw well I have a good memory I’m good at doing math in my head I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch I know how to throw a proper punch HOBBIES: I enjoy playing sports I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else I have learned a new song in the past week I work out at least once a week I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months I have drawn something in the past month Fandoms are my #1 passion  I do or have done martial arts EXPERIENCES: I have had my first kiss I have had alcohol I have scored the winning goal in a sports game I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting I have been at an overnight event I have been in a taxi I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year I have beaten a video game in one day I have visited another country I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts RELATIONSHIPS: I’m in a relationship I have a crush on a celebrity I have a crush on someone I know I have been in at least 3 relationships I have never been in a relationship I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them I get crushes easily I have had a crush on someone for over a year I have been in a relationship for at least a year I have had feelings for a friend MY LIFE: I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” I live close to my school My parents are still together I have at least one sibling I live in the United States There is snow right now where I live I have hung out with a friend in the past month I have a smartphone I have at least 15 CDs I share my room with someone RANDOM SHIT: I have breakdanced I have had a teacher with the last name that’s hard to pronounce I have dyed my hair I’m listening to one song on repeat right now I have punched someone in the past week I know someone who has gone to jail I have broken a bone I have eaten a waffle today I know what I want to do with my life I speak at least 2 languages I have made a new friend in the past year

tagging some mutuals bc ily and why do you even follow me I'm a wreck tbh OK i tag: @kihani, @21jd, @lapatronakim, @94seulqi, @gayoongi, @springdqy, @medina-kim, @15minss, @je0n, @cottontae, @taebaeul, @booty-baekery, @lalisl, @babekhyun, @voidpjm and anyone else who wants to try any or all of these!! 

[joseph-joestar-plz-twerk-4-me]

eyy i was tagged by @lancekoganee, @lovelylangst, and @fictionismynationality for the 92 truths thing so here it issss

LAST… [1] drink: dr pepper [2] phone call: uh well the last like 5 people to call me were spam numbers but the last i actually talked on was with my sister [3] text message: bff callie [4] song you listened to: just one yesterday by fall out boy [5] time you cried: a few hours ago when i remembered my characters name in the demi episode game that i played a year and a half ago was “whipe dat azz”

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: unfortunately yes [7] been cheated on: no [8] kissed someone and regretted it: no [9] lost someone special: ?? im not sure bc there’s a lot of people who used to be special but the friendship either imploded or slowly died sooo [10] been depressed: no [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: no lol i am rather pure for my age lmao

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS: [12] dark green [13] pastel pink [14] that blue that looks really good in velvet

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yeah! [16] fallen out of love: yes? im not sure if it was love to begin w sooo [17] laughed until you cried: bruh i did like 3 hours ago lol [18] found out someone was talking about you: yeah apparently im “famous” at best buy bc my coworker (who also works there) was telling his coworkers about shenanigans him and i get into  [19] met someone who changed you: yee [20] found out who your true friends are: yeah. ive cut out a lot of people but its for the better [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: not currently lol (my current bf isnt my friend on facebook lmao)

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them tbh, but i need to go through and clean out my friends list [23] do you have any pets: 3 cats and a doggo [24] do you want to change your name: nah but a nickname would be cool [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i didnt work  i saw Fantastic Beasts in the morn and had lunch w my bf, then hung out w my friends and had dinner w them and the fam, went home and played sims [26] what time did you wake up: 7-730ish am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: coming home from work/starting precal hw [28] name something you cannot wait for: obviously voltron season 3 but i also want to jsut get thru the next few weeks bc work is going to be a   n i g h t m a r e  and i want my suffering to be over asap [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 2 hours ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: honestly i would go back in time and tell little middle school me to try out for region (bc i honestly believe if i had just had a year or two more expirience auditioning, then i wouldve made the all state choir) and then go to junior yr me and say “stop being an angry ho and   c a l m   d o w n   . i wish i could go back a year from today and tell myself that the management position is not worth it. to find another job while i can. (however, i use my job as motivation to do well in school: “do well, keep up my gpa, get my degree. i dont want to be at the movie theater forever”) [31] what are you listening to right now: my klance playlist (death of a bachelor is currently playing) [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: ive talked to a tommy and someone whos last name is toms [33] something that is getting on your nerves: anything customer related/ “can an available manager come to the stand for an employee purchase” [34] most visited website: college homepage, math hw website, tumblr, gmail, netflix (recently made my friend watch voltron every MWF after out speech class lol) [35] elementary: my awkward acne/glasses/pre-braces/braces phase. also i wore training bras for 3 yrs bc i was so uncomfortable w my boobs that i couldnt tell my mom i needed an actual bra [36] high school: i can look at pictures and tell by my smile where i lost my childish innocence (halfway thru junior yr)  [37] college: community rn, but i plan on transfering to tamu and getting at least a bachelors in environmental science. i have to research into carriers to see if a masters/phd is worth it, but that is something im interested in [38] hair color: blonde when clean [39] long or short hair: the question of the century. i look good w a lob, but i also love braiding hair sooo [40] do you have a crush on someone: i mean i have a crush on my bf lance [41] what do you like about yourself: i guess im funny. i can sing the whole danny phantom theme song  [42] piercings: triples in each ear, helix and double forward helix in my right ear (planning on getting a faux snug in my left ear eventually. id like a nose ring, but work wont let me. i maybe want a belly button ring, if i decide to work out for it lol as if) [43]blood type: i dunno, but looking at it makes me queasy so [44] nickname: maycakers, big titty t, mak [45] relationship status: long term relationship (idk how many months now but its over 2 yrs so) [46] zodiac sign: scorpio [47] pronouns: she/her.  [48] fav tv show: voltron, avatar the last airbender (im laughing i typed “airbeder” at firs), the office, drake and josh [49] tattoos: never (ill stick w piercings) [50] right or left hand: right 

FIRST… [51] surgery: does having a wart dug out of my toe count [52] piercing: the standard single pair when i was 6 [53] best friend: aaliyah but once we got to middle school we didnt have classes together and i didnt see her much in highschool (i heard about her bc she broke a lot of sports records. shes gonna be an olympian in 2020 y’all. i can feel it) [54] sport: does drill team count [55] vacation: we went to the state capitol w my grandparents  [56] pair of trainers: wtf are trainers

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing bc my stomach is currently revolting [58] drinking: grape powerade [59] i’m about to: take a nap gd im tired [60] listening to: euphoria by loreen [61] waiting for: sleep to take me [62] want: my period back ache to stop [63] get married: i want to get married so bad i want to be super domestic and have a bb and that kid is gonna recycle EVERYTHING and i will love them [64] career: ecologist? environmental researcher? environmental biologist? agricultural reformer? idk i just want to do something w the environment 

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs  [66] lips or eyes: eyes are pretty [67] shorter or taller: taller bc then ur head is in their chest when u hug. or u have to get on tippy toes to kiss. yes. [68] older or younger: older older older [70] nice arms or nice stomach: yknow stomaches are nice and all but u cant see them bc shirts. u can see arms tho ohmy [71] sensitive or loud: idk im loud so  [72] hook up or relationship: relationship ftw. hook ups sound...really gross to me (my ace ass cant fathom hookups lol) [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? ew no [75] drank hard liquor? the only thing ive ever drank ever is a shot of cherry sake (i spit that back out it was gross) and a shot of goldschlager (which cleared sinuses i didnt know i had and made me reaaaalllly giggly) [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? lmao all the time [77] turned someone down: yeah  [78] sex on first date? no [79] broken someone’s heart? yes  [80] had your own heart broken? not really? i felt sad both times i broke up w my ex but i knew it was for the best [81] been arrested? no but ive had someone threaten me w calling the cops [82] cried when someone died? my granny, cat, hamster [83] fallen for a friend? i mean my bf was my friend before we dated so i guess

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? tbh i am super confident in my schoolwork and just... not at all at work [85] miracles? yeah but sometimes they fail me [86] love at first sight? no  [87] Santa Claus? rip [88] kiss on the first date? ehhh [89] angels? maybe

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: CALLIE [91] eye color: blue [92] favorite movie: oh fuq i love tangled and anastasia 

i dont know 20 people or whatever so imma tag @pierce-the-llama, @marcoandthebodts (you sent me one of these like 55245 years ago and i shall do it now lol), @connors-sweet-ass, and @justklance if y’all want to 

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

19/f i’ve been very sad and upset with myself lately. i’m currently in the first year of uni and even though i’ve made many friends since the start of the school year, i feel terrible for not belonging to any group, like i don’t have stable friends who i can hit up and hang out with or study with during free time. all my life until sophomore year of high school, i always belonged somewhere. it was only when i moved schools during junior year when i had trouble really belonging somewhere but it was a little better during my last two years of high school since other groups would invite me and another close friend to hang out during free time and were actually really nice to us but those groups didn’t really consider us as part of them, just close friends. many of the people from my last two years of high school are in the same uni i am in right now and many of them are taking up the same course as i am but they have all found new groups or they now have a stronger friendship i guess that i don’t feel comfortable hanging out with them alone anymore because i feel like if i would always tag along, they wouldn’t be able to talk about certain things. the only stable friend i have is my best friend of 12 years who has her own friend group (her classmates senior year of high school, i’m from another class) but i feel a little comfortable hanging out with now but only if she is with me. i still feel awkward hanging around them because i am always around when they make plans together and i know they also feel awkward making plans when i am with them because they want to hang out as senior year classmates and reunite and catch up. it’s totally fine with me and i totally understand if they make plans without me, i mean i’m not from their class anyway. i feel awkward knowing that they feel awkward talking about it. oh god im not making sense anymore but yeah. i also feel so annoying always following my best friend around like a puppy and i also feel awkward because i am always a third wheel between her and her boyfriend because we usually make plans to study together but then her bf would call in the middle of us studying and he wants to study with her. im actually pretty comfortable around her bf since he’s also my friend, i just feel like i’m always in the way between them spending quality time together and whatnot which is why i go home early sometimes to let them have study dates just the two of them. i don’t want her bf to feel bad for her rejecting his invitations most of the time to have study dates together bc we always have plans already.

another thing that’s been bothering me lately are my parents never listening to my reasoning when we argue and my discovery of my brother’s twitter account. first, my parents. it’s annoying how they never listen to me when i reason out. when i do, they would always tell me “of course you’re never wrong!” sarcastically or they’ll say that i’m being disrespectful. i admit, sometimes i am wrong for being too harsh but even when i am right, they would still insist they are right because they assume they are always right. one example was what happened two nights ago. my mom asked me to teach my brother how to solve some 7th grade algebra problems. i don’t remember how to do them anymore because I haven’t had that lesson in years and i didn’t have math subjects for 2 years now since my major doesn’t really have math subjects in its curriculum. i told her calmly i already forgot about it and i really had to prepare for a report that night that i was to present the day after but she insisted that i still knew how to, i just didn’t want to help. i told her again and again that i would help if i knew but i really didn’t and i was busy but she insisted that i was just making it up when i really really really didn’t. my dad heard us arguing and told me to shut up, basically siding with my mom. he also thought i was just lying. i continued to tell him i wasn’t then he told me i was disrespectful and threatened that if i say one more word, he would throw me out of the house. i was hurt because he said that over something very petty. he never did that to my brothers, only to me. he always did that to me even as a kid when he told be i bring bad luck to the family and that i was useless countless times. he never apologized for those words and my mom never stopped him or told him to say sorry to me or what. then my brother’s twitter account. he wouldn’t give me his username whenever i asked for it but then i stumbled upon his account yesterday and decided to read his tweets for fun. i was laughing until i saw him tweet to his friends basically describing me as a traitor and overall a bad sister. i also didn’t know how to react knowing he continues to cut classes to drink with his friends and god forbid, even smoke and do drugs without my parent’s knowledge despite them finding out once and talking to him about it. he also cursed my dad over there and told a friend he has no family. i’m very worried as he’s underage and still in junior year of high school and i also hate seeing him go through such struggles alone. i was also disappointed in myself as his older sister for not letting him feel i am there for him even though i try my hardest to comfort him whenever he gets scolded at by my parents. i felt sad knowing that he sees me as a ‘traitor’ and a bad sister. i also realized how my family’s relationship is actually not as ideal as i believed it was bc nobody knows anybody. we may not be like other families who have big fights and all but we are actually pretty empty since neither of us have close relationships with each other. i love them so much and i don’t want my parents to feel they are bad parents despite everything, no matter how much they hurt me which is why i’m very sad about this.

all those together along with me recently feeling like i am just mediocre in the things i’m passionate about and basically me just not being good enough to join extra curricular activities and having a personality as bland as a loaf of wheat bread, being a friendless loser, realizing i am not as smart as i thought i was or everyone thinks i am. i just have good memory which is why i excel academically but other than that, i am pretty dumb. my thoughts, vocabulary, and everything are very shallow and i am not good in either written or verbal outputs. i just feel so stuck and alone. i feel worse than ever. i was a pretty positive and motivated person a few years ago, i don’t know what happened. i always believed i would be successful after school and maybe a part of me still does now but i am now starting to doubt myself. i just really need to get this out of my system after keeping this to myself for soooooo long bc i don’t want to burden my high school best friends who have their own problems and i never had a super close relationship with my family either. i’m just tired of crying every night because of this and pretending i’m okay everyday. i’m very sorry for this long ass submission and thank you if you hve read this and reached this point of this submission. 💕

hi lovely <3 I’m glad you felt comfy enough to write all of this down and get it off your chest. writing out thoughts and feelings can be pretty therapeutic for you. 

about the friends situation? you’re not a friendless loser! I really do mean that :* it can take a long while to find a group of friends that you vibe with, it might be especially hard to manage at the moment when you’re used to having a fairly steady and stable group in high school? but the current situation you’re in doesn’t make you weird or a loser, promise. if you haven’t really found a core group of friends through university + study, open up the possibilities a bit :)  use websites like meetup.com to meet new people with similar passions and interests, or like hey!vina / cliq (more links here), maybe visit your local community centre and see what’s going - you could maybe sign up for a class or activity that interests you, and meet new people and friend opportunities that way too. if it’s me? I use facebook groups! I moved all the way to London without knowing anyone, a lot of people do the same so there’s a facebook group set up for support and bringing a community vibe to things. so I use some of those facebook groups to make posts reaching out for friends, say a bit about myself and what I’m interested in, and with those who respond we can organise brunch or something (Y) maybe you could try the same, join facebook groups where you share things in common with other members (whether it be a similar age age, gender, sexuality, location in the world) and make a post reaching out for friends, could be worth trying. 

with your parents, is there any room for a conversation on this? I know how difficult it can be to talk to parents and to get them to have an open-minded conversation, but it could be worth a shot. find a time when they’re not too busy (or maybe talk to just your mum if you feel the convo would go better) and say “hey can I talk to you about something” and go from there. talk about the fact that you don’t really feel respected in the house at the moment, that you don’t feel like your parents trust you?? if you say you can’t do something (eg. algebra) then you really can’t, it’s not a ploy to avoid being kind or helpful. ask them why they never listen to you or trust you, maybe talk about the lack of trust and ask what could be done to improve that. 

you’re only 19! and I mean that in the best way possible, you’ve so much time ahead of you to achieve what you want to. at the age of 19 I was failing university and struggling with a breakup and was not financially independent at all, I had a terrible relationship with my sister (and sometimes my mum), things were not good. and now? things are so great, I would never have imagined myself to be where I am now (▰˘◡˘▰) life can change, relationships can improve, you’ve got time. things might feel a little stagnant right now? but it won’t be that way forever, promise <3

- tash