scara-brae

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I am so fucked up, I want people to see my scares. Even though I still wear long sleeves while it’s 90° outside. My mind can’t decide. Do I want to recover or get worse, more than ever before.

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I miss the feeling of running my fingers along my scars. I hate how when they heal you can feel them anymore.

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Personality dismorphia?

I don’t have body dismorphia but I feel like so many of the symptoms apply to how I see myself.

-I have no idea if the things I say and do are actually affecting people because I know that I don’t tell anyone when the shit they say fucks with me so I spend my whole life worrying I’m gonna cause the people i know to hate themselves

-I cannot understand how anyone sees me as a good person when I know I am a terrible, selfish, self centred bitch

-I feel like I have no right to be upset by the shit people say about me so internalise it and I inadvertently take it out on them, other people or myself

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The urge to self harm scares me more than doing it

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Does anyone ever stop and realise how weird it is that self harm is so normal to them. Like it is so casual even though it’s kind of a big deal?

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Selfish

Sometimes I honestly don’t know if I’m just being selfish and a bitch or if what I’m doing is actually justified. And the worst part is that even if I am being horrible I don’t know how to change it. I would rather let people around me suffer that pull my shit together and stop being such a burden.

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I wish I could cut all along my arms and legs without it scarring. I’ve kept most of my SH to my upper thighs and hips but sometimes I just get so sick of hiding it and not being able to just cut wherever I want.

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6 months ago I was eating 400-800 calories per day. Now I’m so hungry I usually have breakfast and dinner and snacks... what’s wrong with me

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Sometimes I want to hurt the people that I love by making them feel isolated and unimportant because I want them to know how they made me feel.

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How can you tell someone that those thoughts aren’t true and they shouldn’t listen to them. That they aren’t fat and worthless and this is just your brain fucking up when you don’t believe that yourself?

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ED thoughts?

I am a really shitty person because sometimes when the people around me who are skinny eat junk food I feel happy cause I think that maybe they’ll gain weight and then we’ll be the same but then I realise how fucked up that is. It’s not like I want them to be fat it’s just some disgusting competitive part of me that loves comparing myself to those around me.

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Sometimes I just want to scream

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I hate how all it takes is one comment or one stupid line from my friends or family to completely destroy me, even though they’re not trying too.

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I hate being able to see the raw pain and emotions that other people feel about themselves and not being able to do anything to help them.

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Am I not good enough if I don’t cut because I’m scared of it scaring and people seeing it and finding out about it??

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Depression

I feel like I’m fake because not all my days are bad. There are good days. I feel happy, I enjoy life.

Then I feel shit about feeling happy because what right do I fucking have. And how can I be depressed if I’m not numb all the time?

Can depression be overwhelming emotions and anxieties. Feeling that you don’t know what to do with those emotions and it makes you so mad that you want to scream and tear you skin to shreds.